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Think its over need hand holding.

(45 Posts)
A1980 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:57:56

I can't believe I'm writing this. it's so painfully sad and ridiculous a situation.
Met a great man 9 months ago. he had his fair share if problems and I tried to be there. He got more and.more.distant. I never knew where I stood. I started going days without a phone call and I began to.get.insecure. I started getting angry and.lashing out. Ihad tried to give him space, reach out and talk and nothing worked.
We are probably going to split up and I am devastated to find out that all along we loved each other deeply but didn't say it due to hurt from past relationships.
So it's unfixable by the look of it. I want to patch it up I don't think he does. so I think tonight I will lose the only man I ever loved who also loved me but we didn't know.
Oh god how do I get over this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-Nov-12 16:35:05

Of course he didn't/doesn't love you. He's only saying it now you're breaking up because, like a UKIP manifesto, he can say what he likes and there's no chance of ever actually having to follow through Be under no illusion - he didn't mess you around, ignore you, become distant and fail to communicate due to hurt from past relationships, he messed you around because he's a messing around type of person. He didn't make you happy because he didn't want to make you happy. He chose to behave the way he did

Please don't attempt to patch this up. Learn a lesson which is 'don't take a man on that has lots of problems'. Like rescuing a bird with a broken wing, you'll put your heart and soul into the project only to watch him one day fly away. Make your next man a nice, together type that doesn't mess you about.

You'll get over it. Good luck

A1980 Mon 26-Nov-12 16:38:20

We did love each other. he said it to me 4 months ago on holiday and I wasn't sure he said it and didn't react. he backed off and never said it again. I had heard him correctly afterall. I can't believe it.

izzyizin Mon 26-Nov-12 17:28:26

tonight I will lose the only man I ever loved who also loved me but we didn't know

If there's any truth in that statement there's no reason why you should be splitting up tonight, is there?

On the other hand, if you split up you'll know that you were in love with an illusion rather than the reality of who he is.

Either way, it seems to me youre in a win-win situation.

It's what they DO not what they SAY

Men 101

A1980 Mon 26-Nov-12 17:40:08

We were in each others arms crying for hours last night. I told him I love him and he said 'I loved you' so not anymore apparently.
Parting shot this morning was we'd work it out and that sometimes bad things have to happen for good things to come out of it but I don't think it will last.
I think he May have been placating me though.
I am 33 with no money and no property and my fertility about to run out as I have pcos. No one else will want me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-Nov-12 17:43:01

Best always to take a man on face value, I find. If he said 'loved' in the past tense then don't get your hopes up. As for being washed up at 33... come on... you don't have to settle for someone riddled with problems and who can't convince you he loves you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Nov-12 17:49:00

He doesn't sound like somebody who was in love with you. Why did he go days without calling??? He made you insecure and angry- did you truly, hand on heart want a future like that?? You'll meet someone else of you truly want to. Really not wanting to be rude but he doesn't sound very nice at all- even if someone has had bad relationships they shouldn't treat a partner the way you described.

GladitsnotJustMe Mon 26-Nov-12 17:49:09

Hi - I too found my self single in my early 30s, so please don't feel like no one else will want you.

One thing that REALLY helped me, was reading the book "He's just not that into you".. I'm not one for self-help books, but this is such a brilliant wake up call. It's written by a man and woman team, the woman describes a lot of situations where we women can delude ourselves that a man must be interested because he did this, or that.. The man analyses each scenario and says, look, if he really likes you, he would make it happen. If he hasn't, then he's just not that into you.

There's another similar one called "It's called a Breakup because it's broken", which also helped. I hope they help you - and please don't give up on finding someone who really is into you smile

scaevola Mon 26-Nov-12 18:00:32

I thinking was probably doomed from when the daily phone calls ended. I'm not so sure about the book, but I do think he just wasn't that into you.

This is the time when you need to be kind to yourself; go out with good friends, pick up the hobbies you like, have a massage or other treat etc.

SoleSource Tue 27-Nov-12 00:07:51

He did not love you. He used you to feel beter about his flagging ego. Not nice. Whena man loves a woman IME boy you know about it as plain as day. No decoding his meaning, needed, whatsoever. He is a player and emotionally draining. Maybe talk to a professional and learn ti like/love you first. I am trying it too.

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 17:42:52


He first wanted a break and I wouldn't agree and issued an ultimatum so he chose to end it but he didn't sound sure.

I then agreed to a break so he can get himself sorted as he has been under enormous pressure: ill health, family bereavement, and lost his job. He is in turmoil. We then both became much happier on the phone and talked about how we'd manage it and what we'd tell family. We ended by saying and then afterwards texting that we loved each other.

He needs time to recover physically from his illness and to get another job. oh well. its a leap of faith. lets see how it goes.

SundaysGirl Thu 29-Nov-12 18:04:41

But what happens next time he has a problem? Another break?

He's already tried to break up with you when you said you didn't want a break. Then you agreed to one?

Sorry but it sounds like he is trying to break it off but not wanting to make the final push, you both crying in each others arms all night and then him sayng he wants a break? Total headfuck and you are only 9 months in? Is this really what you want from a relationship?

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 18:22:52

He was fine until he lost his job. I noticed the change in him: beside himself with worry. he said none of the problems with him Would've happened if he hadn't lost his job and had a long illness.

It is a headfuck. but I have to ask myself how fucked up I'd be if all of the stresses he's had happened to me.

GrumpyCynicalBastard Thu 29-Nov-12 18:25:42

Sorry, agree with everyone else. He's not that into you - you're grasping at VERY thin fragile straws. You mustn't allow yourself to believe someone loves you on the basis of the odd word here and there. Words that could mean something else entirely. I can see you're trying to talk yourself into believing what you so desperately want to believe. You'd do better to listen to the words of wisdom spoken to you here by so many others.

Fuckitthatlldo Thu 29-Nov-12 18:27:25

Oh op I'm so sorry, but this is like car crash telly. I'm cringing on your behalf.

We women do like to hang on for dear life don't we?

Why don't you do yourself a favour, gather together the last of your self respect, and dump him.

This particular love story just aint going to have the ending you were hoping for. Sorry.

LemonDrizzled Thu 29-Nov-12 18:29:32

You sounds like you both love to have drama in your life. How exhausting!

Why don't you give him lots of space to recover and sort himself out while you get on with your life and move on? If it is meant to be he will come and find you and win you back. If not you will have moved on. Like Izzy said it's a win/win!

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 18:43:30

I know, I know. I am totally aware how this sounds and am going through the grieiving process on the basis that we wont get back together.

I would assume he wasn't into me but we were fine together in person but only when apart the calls had dropped off. I literally did not know the extent of the strain he was under and becasue I didn't know I let rip at him last week for nothing and may have caused the end myself. Oh well.

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:03:11

So you've agreed an open ended break? ok. It's something of a headfuck ride ahead. Also ok if you can cope with it - and i think that's what you've chosen for now, right?

Stuff happens and it does sound like this chap's had a plateful to deal with but you have posted so you're the focus.

I'd recommend you re-acquaint your self with experiences, hobbies, people you know beyond this relationship while you try and support this man emotionally. T see no reason why you shouldn't give this a go (for now) but it's essential that you also remind yourself that you are totally engaged in your own life. He is, it seems to me, part of your life for now. He should in no way be regarded as all of it. Nor should he be regarded as someone you can in any way lean on for anything. If you are a giving sort, which it seems you are, then this is a giving time. Until you decide it isn't. If the situation becomes one in which the giving drains or overwhelms you, demands more and more and more so that you lose the plot, then is a time to re-assess.

There must be inner t's and c's to your giving is what i'm saying. This relationship is probably going to be fairly one-sided for a while and it's up to you how long that's do-able. If it goes on too long you'll know because you'll be worn out, drama-ridden and dependent on its negativity.

If you need to know where you stand with anyone then you should look to yourself and your world for that confirmation.

Have you got it in you to support him almost as a friend would? Can you suspend your needs relationship-wise for a time? If not then re-assess your commitment now. Preferably without the "only man i ever loved" romanticism? nothing wrong with romance i might add but sometimes it needs to be tempered, fine tuned ...

An amount of detachment is required if you're going to try and support someone close through a hard time, especially on the basis of a potential future. Sometimes because of it.

"he said none of the problems with him Would've happened if he hadn't lost his job and had a long illness." Is this true in your opinion? How well do you really really know anyone after a few months?

9mths really isn't that long a time. Invest in yourself as much as this situation, if for no other reason than to keep a clear head to balance your heart.

My first post here after a year of lurking. Couldn't find how to do italics and just hope my comments are of some use OP

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:03:53

*doh .. just seen the italics code ... sorry *sigh

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 19:11:01

Yes. Tipsy He is the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I ever met. I saw the cange in him when he got sick and lost his job. I was powerless to help and may have made it worse.

He said his family issues were nearly resolved now he just needs to recover from his illness and get a new job. A month maybe. But we haven't discussed how it's going to work out and if we are gonig to talk at all during the break as it was really late at night. I can support him as a friend as that is what i was trying to do. His parting shot was saying he loved me on text.

I hope I can cope too: have seen my GP for support.

Should I stay in contact with him and how often?

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:31:01

ohhh A1980 - you've seen your GP for support? How come?

It's up to you how often/if you maintain contact. What would a friend do? It sounds weird but i'm thinking that maybe treating this more as a close friendship might be a better guide than the lovers' version - but i'm no expert, just thinking aloud based on intuition. You are your own best guide and, in a way his witness, from what you say. You noted the change in him and believe it to be genuinely based on events in his life.

All i'm suggesting is that you need to be strong, you clearly have the will. I've been supported by love from friends and vice versa. Taught me a lot about my own limits/capabilities and what to do about them ... this situation may do the same for you.

I've also learned not to sacrifice myself for others too, nor can anyone be "saved" who doesn't choose it (and believe me some don't) but maybe that's a discussion/thought for later on?

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 19:36:15

Becasue i've fallen apart. I've broken up with people before I was fine and i kept going. With him, I've never felt pain like it as I truly love him and I in a way caused it.

I cannot eat, sleep or function properly. i have lost 9lbs in weight since last week. My Gp has had to medicate me and sign me off work.

We were absolutely fine as we agreed the break on the phone and started laughing and joking again as we always did. We had some mutual events to go to next week and after but i don't think we're going now.

Isn't a break just that: a break?! Would you advise contact.

Doha Thu 29-Nov-12 19:42:08

Break = break just what it says,

No contact AT ALL otherwise it is not a break

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 19:45:15

Or just a break from seeing each other?

There's no right or wrong answer surely? I don't know.

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:53:54

ah, i assumed from what you've said already that contact in all forms had been negotiated ... now i realise that it sounds like a) you're already suffering badly b) terms were not defined clearly at all.

Maybe you need to take steps to know ... starting with yourself? What do you want to do about contact? What did you have in mind when you (sort of) signed up for the break (which i think was his choice in the face of your ultimatum?)

Doha has a strong point, how do you feel about that?

Doha Thu 29-Nov-12 20:01:59

A1980 come on listen yo yourself. You are coming across as desperate.

The guy asks for a break A BREAK meaning. To bring or come to an end

Give him the space he has asked for

If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you they are yours, if not it was never meant to be.

You need to be strong OP and look after yourself.

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 20:03:03

I don't know what i want to do about contact.

I think that as communicating was the trouble in the first place, breaking it completely only makes it worse.

But I don't know what to do as we didn't define it.

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 20:05:23

The difficulty is I don't think he knows how he feels. I asked him how he felt when he looked at me and he said wonderful and said breaking up could be the bigest mistake he ever makes......

I think he's so in turmoil that he needs space. he said he will feel so much better when he knows where he is going job wise etc.

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 20:10:37

I know Doha, I am desperate and that is the problem.

I don't see the problem in admitting (to you guys and family) that I am desperate. Sometimes this be strong be strong stuff is too much. I am hurting and acknowledging it. I don't really know what to do, so I'll leave well alone for now

Fuckitthatlldo Fri 30-Nov-12 08:51:12

Op you need to start owning your own stuff.

You need to realise that what you're feeling has nothing much to do with this man.

The desperation, the inability to function, the obsessing, these are all your feelings. This man has simply provided a hook to hang them on.

With respect, no matter what he says, this man doesn't want you. Think about how you feel when you want someone. You want to be with them right? No matter your personal circumstances. You don't want a 'break' or to end the relationship, you want to be with them as much as possible. The same goes for him. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He has tried to break up with you, you are hanging on, he doesn't want to hurt you too badly, so he is being a coward and not making a clean break. You need to provide yourself with that closure.

Love doesn't send you running to the GP op. Please act in your own best interests. Take care.

A1980 Fri 30-Nov-12 10:38:45

There are so many variables though:

He was 34 when he had his first girlfriend and at 8 months I am the longest relationship he has ever had. he doesn't know what he is doing and doesn't understand that people fight, it shouldn't send you running for the hills.

Doha Fri 30-Nov-12 11:12:38

He's just not that into you and l am sorry but until you start to see that you are going to continue going round in circles trying to explain and rationalize his actions.

IF he wanted to be with you -no matter what he is feeling about work etc -he would want you by his side. He has asked for a break and to be honest you have not respected his wishes.

Work on your self OP try and see why you are so desperate for this sort lived relationship to work when he so clearly doesn't

GrumpyCynicalBastard Fri 30-Nov-12 11:14:53

You want to save this guy don't you? And so you need to realise that the very great majority of people who need 'saving' don't actually want to be saved. And you cannot save him to make him love you - you do know that right? Your thinking on this whole thing seems to me to be a bit unhealthy.

Goodadvice1980 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:57:59

OP you should be running away from this loser so fast you'd give Usian Bolt a run for his money.

This guy has project written all over him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 30-Nov-12 19:09:38

OP... this will hurt and I'm sorry but:

How will you feel when this man meets somebody that he truly does have deep feelings for? All of these things you say that are confusing him and stopping him moving forward with you aren't true and you're sad because, deep down, you know that they aren't.

As soon as he meets somebody he really wants to be with, he will run to them and leave you in his dust. That's the reality. He doesn't want to be with you - if he did, you'd know about it.

You can post here safely and people will commiserate with you but hopefully, as you've seen from the posts already, they will not encourage you to carry on damaging your self esteem by running after this man.

Stop and think - and take some time to look at this from an outsider's perspective. What would be your advice?

A1980 Fri 30-Nov-12 21:47:33

I know.

I held out on the no contact and he just texted me calling me by his special loving nickname for me telling me how he is and asking how I am. WTF

I haven't replied.

Goodadvice1980 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:07:56

Oh OP, I know it must be so painful, but he sounds like an emotional vampire who will only serve to bring your self esteem down.

Don't reply to the text, you are worth so much more than this.

He isn't the man/partner you want him to be or need him to be.

A1980 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:15:59

So i shouldn't take it as any kind of sign he's serious it's just a break?

Goodadvice1980 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:27:35

OP, from the voice of bitter experience <shudder> don't read the meagre crumbs that he throws at you as any sign that he cares. Don't analyse his texts, you will make yourself so ill.

Let him go, cut him free. You will feel like a weight has been lifted once you do.

:-( I know this isn't what you what to hear, but by letting go now you will save yoursef so much heartache xx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 30-Nov-12 22:34:45

Aww A1980, how many more signals do you need? Will you listen to any of them? He's not serious. He pushed you into a corner, you didn't want the break at all - he does. You've been manoeuvred into it and you know that. You're trying to justify it to yourself as something that was 'mutual' when it wasn't. You deserve better than what you're dishing out to yourself.

This man will hurt you for as long as you give him the power to do that. You don't have a relationship with him because one person cannot keep a couple going. I think you might regret prostrating yourself with grief over somebody unworthy of you when you eventually wake up to yourself.

I don't know how you're going to get there at the moment, not without an intervention. This thread is almost bad for you as it's keeping it alive and painful as it is, it's better than being ignored, right? What you feel is at least being acknowledged here, by strangers, when the person who is supposed to be close to you refuses to acknowledge you at all.

I really feel for you. I had a boyfriend who behaved like this. I was strung out for a couple of years whilst I was with him and it was a horrible time. The best times (very few) couldn't hold a candle to the sheer desperation and darkness I felt at being 'puppeteered' by him. Your 'boyfriend' is doing the same to you. Please don't let him.

The best thing you could do right now is to walk away, refuse anymore contact - tell him a 'break means a break' and YOU need one. No more contact. See if he comes running in six months... he won't - and he won't give you the time you've asked for either, he can't because then he wouldn't be able to manipulate you and that's his 'thing'.

If you have a friend that you trust in RL, tell them what's going on and let them advise you. This man deserves not a minute more of your time, not a single second even.

A1980 Sun 02-Dec-12 16:17:10

Should I go back on another dating site.

LittleEdie Sun 02-Dec-12 16:52:51

No. Sort yourself out first.

A1980 Sun 02-Dec-12 20:27:16

I answered the text.... why not I'm desperate.

Sorting myself out with valium to get through the day and sleeping tablets to get to sleep at nihgt.

A1980 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:36:17

I got another text from him yesterday calling me gorgeous and updating me on his health, again...... Still talking to me as if I am his girlfriend. What on earth is going on?

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