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I don't feel the same way about him anymore!(173 Posts)
I've only been with him just over a year, but its never really been good if I'm honest, I found him very controlling and domineering from the start, though I found him very attractive and there was a connection. He just was so used to being on his own living a batchelor life, he found it hard to be in a relationship, and there was many let down and dishonesty, he has an anger problem and shouts when he doesn't get his own way, he once threatened to throw me out of the car, post intimate pictures of me on fb, generally threatening ,so much so I once called the police. He has a short fuse and its just walking on egg shells most of the time. I don't live with him thank god, but its proving really difficult to get rid of him. I have finished it so many times at least 7 and everytime he wins me back and promises to change. I used to say I loved him but now actually I don't think I do, there's been so many threats, deception my love for him has gone but he won't take no for an answer.
I thought I would try stick things out for xmas, as we have joint xmas presents for the kids, plans made over xmas, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know why as I always thought of myself as a strong person, but he has chipped away at my confidence and made me feel I cannot cope on my own as I have no family around me so I have relied on him.
The other night he was wanting sex, I tried to put him off but he kept on about it so I went along with it, but although I used to enjoy sex with him for some reason, and I generally love sex , it was just an awful experience. It didn't feel special it was all about what he wanted oral sex for him, anal sex which I don't really enjoy it was painful, during the sex he pushed my head to give him oral sex again. He wanted me to do things I didn't want to he didn't make me but I just felt awful. I told him a little how I felt the next day, he sort of comforted me but said I analyse things too much and think too much. I felt he was telling me I shouldn't feel like that and trying to control how I should feel or am I being over dramatic! He did start shouting eventually as he said I didn't listen to him. Basically I've had enough but it is soooo hard to finish it and just thinking I will keep him at a distance as much as possible till after xmas, so not to ruin it too much. I really just need to talk to someone as I am dealing with this myself and hear other peoples opinions that maybe have been in a simular situation.
It's time to end your relationship, isn't it ? Why wait until after xmas...xmas is for kids, not for excusing adults to stay in damaging situations
Is that what you are asking ?
There is certainly no other outcome that is healthy
I know what your saying anyfucker, but its not that easy or simple, its easy for you say not when your in the situation though
the sex thing sounds horrible, surely that alone says it all ie dont put yourself through that again
You don't love him, it doesn't sound like you like him, you haven't been seeing him for that long. End it, sooner rather than later IMO.
what is "not easy" ?
you have dc with him ?
you are financially dependent on him ?
you have been with him all your adult life ?
have not seen any of those boxes ticked so far
if you find it "not easy" it is because you are sabotaging yourself by putting obstacles in the way...have a think about that
yep I need out of this but like I said I am struggling :-(
yeh thanks anyfucker that helps....not!
Finish it now. It isn't a relationship. He only "won you back" because you allowed him too. Don't do it again.
I know I need out, I am asking for help not more critism it is hard when you have someone harassing you, smashing your door down, with no support you have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, I'll leave you to it
good luck x
You say you want out so get out.
People are saying you need to get out.
He is already forcing you to do things sexually you don't want and then belittling your feelings.
Don't get stroppy with posters who are trying to help just because they tell you how it is.
just one more thing
"I have no idea"
yes, I do
What do you want help with?
Call him, tell him it is over. Block his number. Get on with your life.
Its not a case of getting stroppy, I needed support not told what I already know! You might of had your own situation anyfucker but everyones is different. Ok I've obviously come to the wrong place for support but it helped by getting it out for the first time, so I won't trouble you netmums again but thanks for reading!
Yup, agree with the others - leave him. now. Yuk. He sounds horrible. Change the locks if he has keys to your house, tell him you will inform the police if he stalks you/tries to get in. Be strong. He's just an arrogant asshole. You posted on here and asked what you shoudl do...
ha yeh right justfabulous oh well I tried to get help bye
You sound about 12 now.
Good luck with your future.
op, you just said that:
You don't love him
You don't enjoy sex with him
It is proving hard to get rid of him.
You don't want to be with him any more.
You are staying with him because:
You don't want to ruin Christmas
You have bought joint presents for the dc
You don't want to upset him.
Who's that about?
This isn't about people telling you that you need to end your relationship. Only you can decide to do that.
But right now the reasons you've given for not ending it have all been to do with other people. What about you? What do you want?
Think about it for a minute, and then go out and get it. :-)
Ok so you need support.
I tihnk anyfucker was actually giving you support.
People here are agreeing with you. You need to get out.
You need to take control of your life and end it, and then people here will be here for emotional support.
There is absolutely no reason why you should stay with this man till after Xmas. It's as easy as you make it. You do not have to let him back in after you finish it. You just have to be strong.
I have been in a similar situation with such a man. It does not get better. In fact it only gets worse.
I know that it is difficult, but it is possible. I managed it, but it cost me my job and me and DS our home. The first and biggest step is to stop finding reasons to stay. The second, is to stop all contact (this is so much easier if you don't share a home or DCs). The third step is to get professional help to repair the damage done.
Marvelous, you have so few Christmases in your lifetime. Very few that you can enjoy with young DCs. Please do not waste this one with an abuser.
You've had some very good advice and support on here so far. Maybe re-read what everyone has said.
It is as easy as telling him it is over, changing the locks, and deleting his number. You are not tied to this man. It is up to you to get him out of your life.
I know I am just very sensitive as I've been told how stupid I am for so long I felt some of the posters were saying that, wereas deep down I know I am for staying a minute longer but if I'm honest I'm scared I guess, scared of him, scared of not being able to cope. He won't leave me alone, its hard but I know somehow I have to do it I need to make a plan I think I'm scared of dealing with the aftermath on my own, maybe doing it after xmas is stupid I don't know I'm just confused and not being me. I will go away and make a plan thanks again for reading
He sounds scary. Please get some help eg from Women's Aid to support you through this
it is hard when you have someone harassing you, smashing your door down
When someone is smashing your door down how hard is it to call 999 and have them arrested for criminal damage?
The police will refer you to their dv unit where you'll get all the rl support you need unless, of course, you've become an adrenaline junkie and prefer to stay with the handwringing
pretence drama of the helpless female who is powerless to prevent herself being used and abused by a twunt.
The fact that this entirely preventable scenario is being played out in front of your dc fills me with despair. Do you think that 'joint Christmas presents' will go anyway to redress the damage that has been, and continue to be, done to them?
Btw, I woudn't be seen dead on netmums and I suspect that if you go there to have your hand held while you
wallow in self-pity procrastinate you'll run the risk of becoming yet another dv mortality statistic.
Wake up, smell the java, and dump the twunt without further ado, honey. If not for yourself, do it for for your dc.
Don't go away. People want to help. You need to do it now, you know you need to do it now, and people will offer advice to help you along the way.
Oh marvellous, I don't get why you think you have to endure any more of this just because of joint presents and plans. Xmas is just another day. Imagine if your dcs said they were putting up with this so as not to ruin Xmas. What would you say to them?
If you feel scared then that is even more reason to finish things and having "shared" Christmas won't change that.
You could text him right now and say it is finished. If he starts threatening you then you call the police. If you can't do either of those things then there isn't anything anybody on here can help you with.
I don't know maybe I'm making excuses not to deal with the aftermath and think it would be easier after xmas, but thats not the reality is it. Ok how do I tell him, go round, by text, by phone in a public place I don't know :-( it may seem simple but the simple things for some reason seem like a mountain
I guess thats true Justfabulous ok I will take that on board I can only help myself I guess
Think of it logically.
You are staying with a man who as near as dammit raped you so that your children can have a nice Christmas?
You have already had to call the police on this man. He has threatened to put intimate photos of you on Facebook? He performed sexual acts on you without your consent? He tells you that you think too much when you complain?
OP, you have no choice if you want to save your own life and your sanity. Please just get rid of him now. He's really awful and the last thing you need is him there at a happy time like Christmas.
the thing is, love, even when you rail against the advice here, there is always someone to listen
but what you have to understand is...no-one here will hold your hand while you make excuses to stay with such a man, that is not the nature of MN
if that is all you need, there are better places for you
netmums is thattaway
Call women's aid for advice
If I were you I would text/email him then delete and block. If he turns up then ignore. If he gets aggro call the police.
It is as simple as that.
And in future (and I mean this kindly) if a man appears horrible and controlling right from the start then just run! No relationship is 100xbetter than an abusive one.
Ok, so you need a plan. Does he have a key to your place? If so, how about step 1 is to change the locks. That might make you feel safer when you tell him it's over.
right! Yes ninja he does have a key, I tried to get it off him once and he lied, I think I would prefer to do that first yes, and then I will tell him AGAIN, I wish I could then go away for a bit though
you could do that, go away
take his key and then disappear for a while, go off sick from work and get some distance from him
change your locks, ring Women's Aid and report to the police any attempts to harass you
there are lots of things you can do...if you want to
Could you get some leave from work? Or do you have a friend who could stay over for a few nights?
I'm self employed I have my own business but I am quiet at the moment and could change things around, there are places I can go yes, I would have to take children out of school though. I will have a think, maybe a long weekend or something
Please don't go away marvelousM. I've been getting help on here for the last few days and I can't tell you the difference it makes. Please trust that people here want what's best for you. It sounds like you need empathy and advice, which people here have in buckets, sometimes in the form of hard truths, which in my case was precious and necessary, sometimes softer encouragement, whatever, it's the support that counts right? I'm sending you loads of that now.
I can't advise you, that's why I've got my own thread but i can definitely empathise with the indecision. I'm terrified of what you call the aftermath too (perfect word). I'm really sad for you that you feel scared of him. I can also understand you giving yourself until after Christmas, you're maybe feeling guilty about spoiling it for your DCs? I'm sure in the long run they would prefer a happy mum, and one disrupted Christmas might not be so bad if its drowned out by loads of great ones. Doesn't sound like you have RL support, or could you tell someone? I greatly doubt that anyone here thinks you're stupid. I'm sure you'll work it out.
Take care x
Thank you aefondkisses, I'm thinking of you too. I know I'm being pathetic, butthat really isn't me, I don't know were I've gone tbh there is the freedom programme on down the road I've just found out maybe that will help me stay strong too !
Going away for a short time is unlikely to be any kind of solution as he won't have gone anywhere and any break you take will be marred by the thought of returning home and most probably having to face him.
You're best advised to change your entry door lock(s) - if it's a Yale lock it's a 10 minute job that only needs a hacksaw and a screwdriver to replace the barrel - and then tell him it's over by phone or face to face in a public place such as a restaurant or coffee shop.
If he gets arsey, tell him you won't hesitate to involve the police if he doesn't respect your decision - and mean it... and don't hesitate to call them if he attempts to harass you.
Locate your nearest Women's Aid offices here www.womensaid.org.uk and keep posting on this thread for virtual support 24/7.
I honestly found it scary reading your original post, OP. But you don't sound scared . From what you have said about his actions I would go to the ends of the earth to escape this man, let alone worry about xmas presents. I think you need to actually think about seriously protecting yourself from this man.
I would not let a man like that anywhere near my children, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Christ.
well, that's what I thought, jane
but Op backed off like crazy, and started blaming respondents for her predicament which seemed kinda self-defeating
self-defeating in the most scary and damaging way of all
no I didn't blame respondents for my predicament anyfucker, I take full responsibility for allowing myself getting in the situation I'm in, I was just a bit shocked about the lack of empathy I was getting, but can we please get over that. Of course I'm scared, otherwise I would of ended it no problem do you not get that? Please stop this now, I'm trying to make a plan and stick with it I don't want to defend myself anymore please!!!!!
Thing is, M, there is no easy way out of this. Only you can end this relationship: by knowing what you want, knowing that you are entitled to it, stating it, and then standing firm. Disappearing for a while won't make the problem go away.
He won't make it easy for you. You say you split up with him 7 times already, and he persuaded you to backtrack on your decision all those times. He will try all the same tricks again this time, and just dial them up if you show more resistance than before.
So you are going to have to gird yourself for confrontation, even though it is something you clearly hate.
BUT: just because this is going to be hard, doesn't mean that it isn't eminently worth doing.
Your OP is very frightening indeed. Please realise that you deserve better, and that you are perfectly allowed to make this nasty man cross if it means saving yourself, and your child.
yes I agree. I need to stand firm with him I NEED to be free of this person and I know its only me who can do it noone can do it for me I know that. That doesn't mean I'm not petrified and stressed by the whole thing, I feel I need to provide myself with some form of support be it here, womans aid , the freedom programme, counselling.I am gonna sort this I just need to work it out in my head, as he has talked me around so many times! I can't let it happen again!
I said exactyl the same thing once Jane :-(
the thing is, OP, if you have had several opportunities to end this before and you haven't followed through...why is that, in the absence of dc's and financial insecurity?
don't get me wrong, I've stayed with some dicks that would make your toes curl
I have even railed against those who tried to counsel me otherwise..do you think I really don't get it ?
think whose side you are taking when you dismiss my input
who does it advantage...you ?
or the bloke that is working very hard to diminish you ?
All I can say is he just convinced me, you can judge me all u like for that perhaps I deserve it but I just don't feel like I want to explain myself any more, I'm in the situation and now its time to get out. anyfucker its not dismissing your input I'm sure you mean well. I just don't want to defend myself anymore I just want to get out, and I'm trying to think of ways to keep strong and not be weak and go back because if I'm not ready for whats coming I may well do that and be moaning on here in another month, I'm trying to recognise my weaknesses and do something about it!
Why do you think he was able to talk you round the previous times you tried to end it?
What are you getting out of this relationship that a part of you feels is worth the abuse?
(I am asking this seriously, M, in case this helps you sort issues out in your mind and feel less panicky; I'm not having a go at you.)
if you see judgement all around you...you will fail in your attempts to detach from him
ok I'm trying to think........
He is just VERY convincing, I've NEVER known anyone like him, he even convinced my friend I was over reacting and being over sensitive, over analysing etc etc. She very nearly turned against me until she realised herself what he had done. I started to believe it in the end too. He told me I needed help as I was soooo sensitive. He also said the things I wanted to hear such as he wants to be a family unit, he wants whats best for us and be there for the children. Also he would apologise for making me feel the way he did, he didn't do it intentionally etc. I wanted to believe him I guess.
I am getting nothing out of the relationship other than someone to call upon when there is trouble, someone to rely on however he hasn't been reliable and has been a complete arsehole when I have needed him. There's only so much a person can take. I'm trying to think what good things there have been, there must of been something to make me want to musn't there????? confused myself :-(
this is what they do it is very convincing
they can draw in all your friends and family
You might find some of the support you are looking for on The EA Support thread
There are a friendly bunch there who are all somewhere on the path out of an abusive relationship to life on the other side.
They will understand the spaghetti head that these twisty bastards can induce and how that stops you from thinking clearly.
Also the links are very helpful in knowing your enemy.
All good wishes to you OP
And in time you will see that AFs advice is worth 10 times the rest even if it is strong medicine to swallow
Thank you Lemon I will take a look x
please contact Womens Aid, they will help you to deal with this and to escape from it as well.
You know that everyone is talking sense, you really cant stay there any longer than necessary
One thing you learn by reading these boards is that all these bastards work to a script. So there are lots of women on here who've successfully got out of of relationships with men just like him. He's not as clever or unique as he thinks he is!
The flip side of that is once you are out for God's sake don't hook up with the same type again.
Op I agree with any fucker. Didn't see anything wrong with her post tbh, hit the nail on the head IMO.
Any fucker don't be put off giving advice xxx
He is only convincing because you let him be.
Just because he is doesn't mean you have to stay.
No one is going to empathise about you staying with a twat when you should be thinking of your children.
If you said I am seeing a man, I need to leave him but don't know how too then people will help. Making excuses and minimising things is going to get you nowhere.
You managed to "just" find a freedom programme so maybe you could manage to just change your locks to start with. You could do it today, it wouldn't cost very much and it would go a long way to keeping him out of your home. Get a chain fitted too and a bolt.
I think now's the time to talk to real life friends, you've mentioned one who knows what he's like. It's hard but talk to her and get support. Remember this is a forum- you will get people telling you their opinions just as you would in real life. Sift through and use what helps for you at this point
Thanks everyone for your advice, some of you have helped more than you know to spur me on. Some comments have made me very emotional, ashamed and not had a good effect but I appreciate what people are trying to do I really do. However I'd rather be left alone now to deal with it or I will find support somewhere else, as some comments I just find too much so maybe mumsnet isn't for me like someone said but I will look around at the various threads and see what I find. Thanks again x
Nooooooo!!! MarvellousM this fills me with horror - I really hope that you get out of this shortly with minimal damage.
Please do though. You take care. Come back!
It's great you don't live with him. A good start.
Can you, as has been suggested, change the locks on YOUR home, and text/say to him I have come to the end of the road with this relationship now, it's over.
It has only been about a year and so there's no need to rake over the whole business. Just say it's over and that's it.
The message is hard to hear. It is overwhelming to have one's world rocked like this. I understand it makes you emotional, and that you want to resist what you are reading here.
Yes, it's hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially one that you have normalised and grown to depend on. Yes, it means admitting that you are in an abusive situation, and accepting that only you can get yourself out of it: he won't stop abusing you just because it's the right and good thing to do; there is no magical solution to make him be a better person, and there is no magical way to make the splitting up painless. And you will have to face the frightening prospect of doing all of this on your own, and then being on your own with no lover and partner afterward, at least for a while. It is very, very frightening stuff to face up to.
But these things are far less damaging to you than remaining with such a man. And you CAN do it. And you deserve a better life than the one you are living now.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well I've told him its over. I don't love him anymore etc. The shouting and vile texts have begun :-( not from me I hasten to add!
You've been marvellous, marvelous
I know it's hard, love. But this is not a good man, truly. Try and stay strong x
And tell him if he keeps harassing you, you'll call the police. And mean it.
No-one called you stupid. You are the only one who used that word, or indeed that sentiment. There are lots of women on this board who thought they wouldn't cope, but did. Ok every situation is slightly different...but there are similarlities. That's why it helps to test out ideas and get support from other posters on this board.
Your DP sounds awful and I agree...why wait til Christmas when you can do it now. Do it whenever it suits you. The Christmas presents are not a reason for not taking action you need and want to take..they might be an excuse.
I split from my husband about this time last year. I thought about waiting until after Xmas too. I didn't though and was pleased I didn't. Xmas was emotional but ended up being really enjoyable. Kids were fine. He is their Dad. We both saw them but at different times. If in your case he's not their dad then you can decide whether or not he would see them at Xmas at all.
Well done Marvelous
Have you got anyone in RL who can support you? Could you ask a friend to come and stay with you for a few days perhaps?
"And tell him if he keeps harassing you, you'll call the police. And mean it."
Yes, absolutely. If he makes you feel scared, call the police, that's what they're there for.
If he turns up at your door, don't let him in.
If he won't go away, call the police.
Stay strong M, you've done the hard bit. Can you get real life support over next few days - you deserve a good Christmas too.
Agree re police.
Well done Marvelous.
How are you doing now?
Are you safe?
I'm ok emotional, but that what I've turned into lately an emotonal wreck, but the times I have stuck at being away from him even if was just a couple of days I felt better. This time I CAN'T let him talk me back.....so far 10 missed calls and 6 messages. He'll be round soon I know he will. I'm taking the kids out for tea !
Can you change your SIM card and e-mail address, marvelous ?
It will help give you space and calm to not even see the incoming messages.
I can't really, because I have my own business and advertise that number but I have switched it off for now!
If he comes to the door, don't engage in conversation, don't let him in, and call the police if he persists.
If you ever do bump into him face to face, here's a great phrase to use: "I'm not interested."
It's not aggressive, not confrontational, perfectly truthful, engages only yourself (no castigation of him), and doesn't open any space for dialogue. Say it with no emotion and repeat it like a broken record until you can be physically free of him (head for crowded public spaces) or he gives up. "I'm not interested" can be said in response to anything he says to you:
I'm not interested
I just want to talk
I'm not interested
You owe me at least this much
I'm not interested
Can we go somewhere to talk?
I'm not interested
This isn't over
I'm not interested
I love you so much
I'm not interested
Fuck you then, you stupid bitch
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
well done switching comms off for now.
Ha hotdamn thats exactly the sort of thing he says in that order lol! ok I have that phrase in my head, and we're staying at a friends tomorrow her dp is away so perfect timing :-)
They all follow the same script, marvelous
Good plan to be with a friend. I hope she has a good listening ear.
Have you changed your locks, marvelous? Please don't go and stay elsewhere without attending to that task first - even if this untrustworthy twunt returns your key(s) I'd advise you to put safety/security before all other considerations and make it impossible for him to gain access without having to break in.
I was thinking about having a go at it myself tomorrow, it looks quite simple and if it does go wrong I can always ask the man next door he looks after my cats sometimes. I've also planned things for every weekend up to xmas, so I won't be on my own, thinking, being vunerable! I am trying I promise
Wow, well done, you're very brave
If you think he's gonna come round, please make sure your windows and doors are locked, and for the doors he has a key to, do have a deadlock/chain?
You did the hard part.
Tomorrow you will wake up and feel free, light and happy.
Changing Yale and most mortice locks is simple - if it's a first for you take your time and write down where the various screws go as you remove them.
For tonight make sure any entry doors are bolted and don't hesitate to dial 999 if he tries to get in or kicks off on your doorstep.
You are very brave. Ignore all communications do not engage at all
If he turns up at your door, bolt it do not let him in under any circumstances and tellhim if he doesn't desist you are calling the police. And follow through if you need to
Now is the really hard part (as you have found previously). You must not listen to any wheedling, whining, promises, threats to do himself in etc. Stay strong and do not be tempted to just "let him talk to you".
Sending love - post on here if you feel overwhelmed by him. You are doing the right thing.
flippin heck I get back from macdonalds he's there on my drive, I carried on driving to my friends, posting from there now. Switched my phone on, messages on answering phone, texts saying 'so your out, didn't take long to get over me did it?' 'please talk to me please x' 'were are you' 'don't ignore me!!' I really want to go home!
Ignore him, he will get bored after a while as long as you don't pay him any attention
If he really does stage a sit-in on your drive, call the police to remove him. There are new laws against stalking...they will take you seriously
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
yep, call the police 100%.
If he carries on I believe its a fairly straightforward thing to take an injunction.
and the Freedom programme you mentioned would be fabulous.
If he threatens to post pics of you on the internet, I am pretty sure this is illegal, but you can ask the police when you inevitably have to call them. If you know what/where they are you could ask for them to be taken/deleted by police.
also bear in mind that he promised/said tons of stuff before to get you to go back.
None of it is true.
And even if he was the most perfect man in the universe, if you dont want to be with him for no reason whatsoever, thats OK.
He's continuing to follow the script.
A visit from the police to remove him from your driveway is the only language he will understand (anything you say has no value, since you are a plaything under his control, in his eyes.) But he will be charming and reasonable with the police.
ok he's gone for the time being, he text me to say he would leave me alone if thats what I want.....hmmm we'll see! I need to make a list of all the things he's done to me or some of them so I can look at it everytime I feel vunerable, or slightly tempted to go back. Don't feel you have to read this is just for me.
said he wasn't on any dating sites anymore, I checked and there he was and actually tried to talk to me not realising it was me
chatted up at least 3 women on facebook, asking for a dirty picture, saying he wanted to poke one for real.
told me to wind my neck in when I told a shop assistant I didn't want to open a store card
when I changed my mind about what pasty I wanted once he shouted 'what the fucking hell did you do that for'
shouting at me for burning a pizza 'can't you read instructions, can you do anything right, how do you survive'
critising my cooking,what I wear, how I run my business, me as a mother, how I keep my house, the colour of my nail varnish, the colour of my clothes.
critising how I did things on valentines day
having a woman friend who could do no wrong, letting her buy him unappropiate gifts, belittling my feelings about it saying it was wrong to feel the way I did. Telling me how much better she was at doing things than me.
Having a fit for sitting too close to him when he's trying to eat.
Loosing his temper over anything
mood swings, snappiness, being argumentative but always my fault
Loosing his job due to his boss not been able to work with him due to his attitude.
Making comments during sex such as 'for someone who does zumba your fucking shit at moving your hips'
Getting cross with me in bed because I wasn't doing it right.
wanting me to be with another woman so he could watch. Put me on a site for this sort of thing got cross with me when I wouldn't chat other women up, or had a go at me for saying the wrong thing.
Always wanting me to perform sexual acts on him, but I got no affection.
I should be the one that initiates sex, affection, holding hands, cuddles, hugs etc. Its a woman thing.
Making threats when I've ended it
Ruined my Birthday by loosing his temper when me and the kids were in the car, told me I was pathetic for crying and acting the victim.
Lost his temper another time in the car, I tried to ignore him to try and diffuse the situation, but he threatened to throw me out the car and slammed his foot on the brake. I had no idea were I was.
Told me my outfit for going out was not very flattering, then getting in a mood because I was upset, which resulted in him loosing his temper smashing stuff up which resulted in me calling the police.
Various other shouting, put down moments. I'm not a real woman because I don't bake all day, his cooking is better blah blah blah!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
...a real Prince Among Men
police will remove him get a injuction order. you are doing the right thing men like this never change they always get worse. he broke promises to you before he will do it again. stay strong. i know its not easy i was in an abusive relationship myself i left it was no where near easy but it had to be done. phone womans aid talk to them i did they offerd to change my locks and put cctv up. i didnt want to go in a refudge but they kept my house safe. if he comes to you door dont even answer it he will try and win you over.
Writing out a list like that at this stage is a brilliant idea.
You are sounding so much stronger than only yesterday! Keep going.
what a nasty human being you have taken the steps it does get easier. the list is a good idea. i am so sorry you are going through this my heart goes out to you.
Oh and missed a few
When I was burgled and needed his support, he shouted got angry with me, because I din't know straight away what was taken as I should know were everything was.
And after a leak in my bathroom I had an asthma attack, he was an arsehole and spoke to me like a piece of shit ' have you taken the fucking inhaler or what' 'how come you suddenly had an asthma attack just cos you see damp' I ended up in tears then too, I just couldn't believe his lack of empathy, I couldn't breath infront of him. Of course he was all sorry the next day!!!!
Yuck, that list made my stomach turn. What a monster. HUGE well done for getting rid. Now just stay strong and don't let him back into your life.
You will have a very happy Christmas without this fuckwit around.
well done on finding the strength.... if you waver, just reread that list...
stay strong and you can and will do this and get through it.
dont hesitate to call the police if you feel in any danger
What kind of threats has he made when you've ended it in the past, marvelous ?
And he was like this in a YEAR??
Fucking hell, he's a complete cunt. PLEASE don't have him back, will you?
things such as he was going to end his life he couldn't function without me.
If I threatened to call the police he would do something to make it worth while me calling the police.
Posting embarrassing images of me on facebook.
He would make my life a misery.
I tried to leave his house once when he became confrontational he told me to sit down or he would make me.....and I bloody did grrrr!
Came round to my house smashed my door down stomping towards me till I was cowering in the corner, shouting in my face how selfish I was.
Wanted stuff back that he ever bought me, threatened to rip the tv he bought me off the wall, to find a necklace he bought that I lost and he was going to stand over me till I found it. That was the time I called the police while he was distracted! Then he was going councelling as he realised he had a problem he's still waiting!!!
Apparently though I'm over sensitive and over analyse things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know sweet, it has really helped to have it written down in black and white. It would of got worse wouldn't it? He would of hit me, or worse the kids or even kill me and then cry and say he didn't mean to and I'm over sensitive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, he would definitely have got worse. The Women's Aid website is very clear about that - and there are some really chilling statistics on there. I was looking for the one about how many times it takes a woman on average to try to leave the relationship before she finally gets away and stays away, but didn't find it - but I have in my mind it's something like 7 times, so you're exactly on the average so far! Make this the one that counts!
Please don't feel stupid or weak for letting him get away with it up till now. Many, many strong, intelligent, independent women have found themselves in the same situation. Sometimes they take a few months to realise what's going on and put a stop to it, others take over 30 years. If abusers weren't good at sucking their victims in, they'd have no-one to abuse because every woman they dated would walk out within 5 minutes and warn all her friends. They are extremely good at being charming, picking up clues about your personality and knowing exactly which buttons to press. They use not only your weaknesses but your strengths against you. If only they used these abilities for good, and were smart enough, they could be international statesmen instead of domestic pests.
Its amazing when I read that list I don't know why and how the hell I stayed with him for as long as I did, but yeh he can be sooo charming, persuasive, convincing, everyone who's not seen that side of him loves him, he'll do anything for anyone type person. My own dad said oh he seems a smashing guy, I get along well with him. Obviously he doesn't know anything, but well he sort of got the smashing bit right. It was actually a friend that introduced us as she couldn't understand why he was single 'he's such a gentleman she said' he was for about 2 weeks!
You got to this stage in just a year: you can be proud of yourself. You could be proud of yourself however long it took you. It takes strength to accept we are mired in an abusive situation, work against our conditioning, and take the steps to leave. Well done: you're in control of your own life now.
How are things this morning ?
Well he got a bit threatening this morning, wanting this that and the other back. I better find it etc etc. then I get a text saying lets go to relate.....what????? I did actually try going councelling with him a while back, but like everything else it didn't change anything for more than a day or two. Today I woke up a little scared of what the day will bring, what he might do, but also a sence of relief that I don't have to please him anymore. My dd is off school today with a tummy upset, but hopefully she will feel a little better later so I can sort ou this lock. I'm ok but nervous I guess !
stay strong, love
re. the couselling. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in the relationship (as you found out)
You sure picked yourself a twunt of the first water to get embroiled with.
Never mind, he's out of your life now and if he persists simply get the police on to him... a new law that has made stalking a criminal offence came into force yesterday and police authorities up and down the land are vying to be the first to test drive it
Seriously, don't provide this twunt with the oxygen of your attention. Ignore, ignore, ignore and call the police if he doesn't take the hint that he's flogging a dead horse.
yes izzy that is what I have to stay strong and do, thats what I haven't done before, he knows I've always given in so I HAVE to make this time different!
This time will be different because you're not going to give in, are you?
And other than text/tell him that if he persists you'll report him to the police for harassment, you won't be engaging with him, will you?
You can do this and, what's more, you can see him off forever with one hand tied behind your back.
Well done M, you sound much more resolved and clear.
The stat you were looking for is 6-8 times, Annie.
To reiterate: where dv is an issue couples counselling is not recommend and care should be taken when sourcing individual counselling as counsellors who don't understand the dynamics of dv may perceive victims as being co-dependent or depressed/hysterical.
It should also be noted that pepetrator intervention programmes such as those run by Respect and other agencies DO NOT have a high success rate.
When abusers seek/complete treament the danger is that victims may develop a false and entirely misplaced sense of security
The way only to ensure that you won't fall victim to this man again, marvelous, is to stop engaging with him and don't hestate to use the law to keep him away from your person, from your dc, and from your home.
From what you've said about him, it's probable that only the police will be able talk to him in a language he'll understand.
ok Izzy, I feel alot stronger this time, I know he won't give up thats the way he is, but I like the 'I'm not interested' phrase someone came up with here.
I really hope he does change, I don't mean for me, too much water under the bridge now for me to EVER trust or feel comfortable. But I think its sad to think these people will never change he's 45 now so the chances are he won't. He had a bad childhood, were he was beaten , his mother was beaten it sounded horrendous and its obviously effected him and he's repeating the behaviour he learnt. The only good thing is he has got no children of his own so at least they won't follow, so less abusers in the world. I just wish they could be cured, as I'm so nervous about ever getting into a relationship again, but I think what I have learnt is to trust my instincts!
Any luck with changing the lock?
He is a shit cunt. Well done for staying strong.
Well done. Are you off to stay with your friend?
glad your lock is changed. I hope you're thrilled at how many great steps you've taken.
abusive twunt man isn't going to be changing any time soon, marvelous, but although he doesn't have have dc of his own he's got a considerable number of years ahead of him to change his status in that respect.
However, my immediate concern is that with regard to his reaction to you dumping him, he hasn't got into his stride yet.
When he cranks it up PLEASE don't attempt to deal with him yourself or engage with him in any way as this will only serve to empower him and convince him that you'll 'see sense' and resume your relationship if he persists.
It beggars belief that you've put up with a year of his crap and until you've overhauled your
twat radar instincts to a point where they're trustworthy and you're not coming from a place of emotional need, you're best advised to stay well away from romantic entanglements with the opposite sex.
Keep reading this board and take note of red flag/alarm bells/run for the hills behaviour in the male of the species, and locate your nearest Women's Aid offices here www.womensaid.org.uk to ask whether they're running the Freedom Programme at a venue near you.
You deserve so much more than lowlife like him, honey, and your dc needs you to be a positive role model so that her future relationships won't mirror your bad ones.
Hiya and thanks for not forgetting me, I'm home from my friends as I just felt I needed some time on my own, I feel tired and almost fed up of talking about it, but I want to try and look forward to xmas with my children. I'm feeling free and relieved, but also a sense of failure, and I guess I did see the red flags but didn't act on my instincts he always left me perplexed!
He has started the begging but nothing I haven't heard before, but at least when he is like that he is not likely to be threatening or violent! No I don't feel like caving in!
DO NOT engage with the begging as this will lead to threats and he'll turn up on your doorstep and/or instigate other stalker-ish behaviour.
Make it clear to him that he's history and that if he continues to make contact with you, you will involve the police - and please do it sooner rather than later because nipping his usual modus operandi in the bud is the only way to stop him pestering you ad infinitum.
You've done well M, keep it up!
Blimey he left this huge bear for me outside, its awful nearly as scary as him!!!!
Oh gawd, that's terrible!
Throw it out, and continue not reacting at all to his texts.
What do you think of his behaviour so far?
It may be needed in evidence - keep it; stuff it in a bin bag and store it in a loft/garage or under the stairs where it's not in your face which, unfortunately, it what he's going to be in the very near future.
So far, so predictable. He's doing the nice guy act but this isn't going to last very long, honey, and it's probable he'll undergo a dramatic transformation into the nightmare personality he truly is by the end of the weekend if not sooner.
PLEASE get tough now. Send him ONE final text saying that if he leaves any more items on your doorstep, or makes any further attempt to contact you, you will report him to the police for harassment - and DO IT.
As you've had cause to call the police before in relation to his antics it's to be hoped that he'll back off but, unlike elephants, these twunts have short memories and it's highly likely the message that you don't want anything more to do with him will need to be reinforced by the police.
Steel yourself - it's times like these that the tough
need a back up plan get going and you're going to prove to him that you are one tough cookie who's more than capable of raining on his parade.
Its fukin so big it won't fit in the bin, its life size and scary. I think its because in the early days I used to refer to him as a bear, thinking he was a gentle one. This thing just gives me the creeps its bloody awful. It wouldn't win anyone round I don't think!!!!!!!!!
izzy do you recommend the one final text in order for M to make it clear to police/courts that this was harassment if she can prove that she stated that all contact was unwanted? If so then it is good advice. otherwise, I would say that any kind of contact, even "back off or else" will be seen by this guy as a reaction and thus as an invitation to continue harassing her with renewed vigour.
I mean, he's clearly going to keep it up a while longer anyway. Any contact at all just fans the flames anew.
By which I mean: I wouldn't threaten to contact the police. Just actually do it.
I just can't believe how big it is I wish I could post a picture on here. I don't wnt it in my house or anywhere near me its really freaked me out. He sent me a text saying he hopes I like it, he sent it to give me a hug as he can't he loves me so much he doesn't know what else to do. I've not replied he trie phoning I ignored, he text do I like it, what do I do?
I've suggested the 'one final text' to lay the groundwork for a potential harassment case, Hot, but it occurs to me that the OP hasn't given any indication as to whether she has been engaging with him despite advice to the contrary.
Can you please clarify, marvelous? Have you been ignoring his communications or have you been replying to every missive he sends or responding occasionally? When was the last time you were in contact with him and what was the content of your message/conversation?
IMO regardless of whether marvelous has made, or makes, it clear he's history, this guy is going to push the boundaries every which way. As I said above, he's not got into his stride but he'll crank it up as soon as he realises that marvelous may not be a pushover this time round.
I've constantly urged you to involve the police, marvelous, and I'll continue to do so until you get them on the case. .
When was the last time you spoke/texted him, marvelous? And what did you/the message say?
I haven't anwered his texts or phonecalls, but I did just send one saying please leave me alone, he replied please talk to me, I haven't replied......so do I get the police involved or will I just look stupid, is this harassment, has he broken the law?
ok he's just turned up as i sit here typing, ok police it is, he's doing the tears thing! I will ne picking my children up from school soon I don't want any of this when they're back. I'm off now to call the police willl let you know what happens later. Thanks guys x
Police it is <heaves sigh of relief> It's the right and only thing to do, marvelous, because this guy is unlikely to stop pestering/harassing you of his own accord.
You've told him to leave you alone and, instead of complying with your reasonable request, he has embarked on a campaign of harassment against you.
Hopefully, involving the police will nip his unwelcome behaviour in the bud but I suspect you'll see him on periphery of your vision, as it were, for a while to come - by which I mean he'll make himself visible but will keep his distance so he can claim to the police he's 'accidentally' in the same location as yourself.
If I've 'read' him right, he's going to be a persistent fucker - let's hope I'm wrong and that the police are able to convince him to wind his neck in.
If it's any comfort, it's from the moment that the police turned up to escort my ex away from my front door, where he was hanging on the doorbell, that all his pleading and bluster stopped. I hope you get a similarly effective result.
good luck with the Police
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well done. Hope this has done the trick.
Well the police were great! They came while he was still here begging through the letter box to open the door. They removed him, have spoken to him and given him a warning and took a statement off me. The woman police officer is helping me with a harrasment report, and I am to record everything dates times of phonecalls, texts etc, if he comes round again I am to phone them and they have my number marked so they will respond quicker. Its scary stuff but it has to be done now I've never got this far before and I think although he is very upset he is begining to realise I am serious. However I stilll don't think he will give up just yet. He has admitted everything to the police though all the abuse etc, says he wants to stop he hates being the person he is, but the police said not to listen if he changes great but for my and the kids safety it needs to end, which of course I'm in total agreement. I am in touch with womans aid too now so I feel I have support and I'm going away with my sister for xmas.
I've got to go and sort out kids tea who are thankfully oblivious to all thats happened and I will check in later, but you guys have given me some of this strength I so badly needed so thank you x
You are an absolute inspiration and are indeed marvellous, M
Yy. You have been absolutely marvellous, M.
Well done. What a twat he is.
Snivelling into the letterbox and having to be removed by the police ... how pathetic.
You must be feeling 10 feet tall. Well done!
that is fantastic news.
well done the police
well done Womensaid
But most of all, well done you
and just to add, how fantastic for YOU that he has admitted all the abuse to the police, and they will have recorded it. So if you do need to call again, its not your word against his.
really wrong footed himself there, thinking the sob story and 'openess' with the police would win you round. They must have been laughing all the way back to the station
what a twunt
bloody well done, marvelous!
I am amazed by just how strong you have been Marvelous. Keep going. Hoping for a lovely peaceful, christmas now for you and your children.
got the most terrible migraine today today :-(. not sleeping too well, he did text me in the night because he couldn't sleep, saying how sorry he is, he loves me etc
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He's sorry for himself, not for you. Keep ignoring these texts.
Could you start phasing in a new phone number for your work contacts?
I'm not surprised you're feeling rough. It's been a tumultuous few days. Try and rest and think about your better future. xx
Well done you, onwards and upwards!
Erm, what has happened to the bear???
Delayed reaction to anxiety, perfectly normal and will wear off soon.
Now you need to try to relax, not easy but if you can have a duvet day or two it will do you the world of good
well I had a lovely day today, just me and my daughter, my son been playing at a friends. Went to costa for a hot chocolate, bought some xmas clothes and went home did each others hair lovely, tonight all snug with some baileys and a duvet day tomorrow :-)......and not heard from HIM :-) !!!
That's great news OP, sounds like a lovely day!
Let's hope he's finally got the message!
Happy for you M. Some much deserved peace!
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