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It has taken less than an hour to dismantle my life.

(34 Posts)

P came home and told me that he was moving in with his mum and dad because he said that he can longer cope. He is ill and he said that his mum is going to help him, when I asked why I can't help him he said that I work and his mum is there all the time.

We had a lot of problems over summer but I thought that we were back on track. Obviously not.

He has taken the dogs with him, and most of his stuff.

I at the moment feel numb. Not sure what to do. Thankfully no dc's involved.

ImperialBlether Sun 25-Nov-12 18:18:34

What's the matter with him? If he really is ill and needs help, I can see his point. Is he talking about moving out completely or just until he's better?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 25-Nov-12 18:20:19

<<HUGS>>

No longer cope how exactly?

Is he physically ill or mentally ill?

Do you think this is the real reason?

Is this short term or long term?

Does he still love you/want to be in a relationship with you?

Sorry - more questions than answers! It just sounds very sudden and strange sad

Its a lot of problems, both mental and physical. And I know what he is doing does make sense. But I still feel numb, he said that it would be until he is better and we will still see each other and the dogs. I think I just need to rationalise this in my head.

I asked if we were breaking up and he said no it was just that he needs to get better.

CailinDana Sun 25-Nov-12 18:29:19

Could this be a positive thing? I know it doesn't seem that way but if he is genuinely ill and does really need help then it seems like a good thing that he's willing to take control and do something about it. Or is he just doing it to punish you in some way?

amillionyears Sun 25-Nov-12 18:32:10

I think it may be a good thing, unless his parents are the source of some of his problems, or you have problems in your relationship with him spending too much time with them already.

I don't think he is punishing me. He has taken the dogs because they will not settle with me, he is their master iyswim?

I suppose it is a positive, he is genuinely ill and I wish I could help him but I can't. I think the only thing I can do is be here for him and support him from afar.

CailinDana Sun 25-Nov-12 18:41:00

That's incredibly tough for you but I think you have to look at it as being the best thing in a bad circumstance. Rather than sitting around wallowing your DP has decided what is most likely to help him get better and done it. With any luck in time he will recover and you can move back in together and start afresh. Do you think that'll happen?

Possibly yes it could happen, we have been together for nearly four years and from the moment I met him, I knew he was right for me.

I know deep down in my heart he is doing the right thing, I knew about his medical problems when I met him. I think the hardest thing for me is that I know there is nothing apart from being here, that I can do to help him.

ImperialBlether Sun 25-Nov-12 18:53:22

I think he's doing the right thing. He needs someone to be with him and his mum will be there. It sounds to me as though he's trying to tackle his problems and that can only be good.

I know he is doing the right thing. I need to just put it into perspective. I know I probably sound selfish but I just wish he was OK, and I wish I could help him. It's also weird not having the doggies here and a 50 kg lab sat on me like a lapdog. They will help him get better I know.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 25-Nov-12 19:32:01

Is it possible he's doing a kind thing?

It's hard for a lover to become a carer and it can be soul destroying for the person needing the care. I'm willing to stereotype that it could be particularly difficult for a man who's of the mindset that he should be the alpha male protector and provider.

Looking for a silver lining, having his mum look after his medical needs might allow you both to get back into the swing of a romantic relationship. Has he mentioned any plans to spend weekends or overnight with you when he feels well enough?

Iamsparklyknickers I think you have just hit the nail on the head. He has always wanted to be my protector and thinking about it he does not feel comfortable me looking after him even though I have told him time and time again that I do not mind.

Hopefully it will be a good thing. He can better then we can get better.

lunar1 Sun 25-Nov-12 19:48:44

Going against the grain here, I think what he has done is unfair and cruel. If he wanted to break up then he has that right. He doesn't though, he wants you to live on his terms. He should have discussed the options not just fuck off and take your pets.

I say this as someone who had a very sick first husband who died when we were young. I cared for him, I also worked. We had to make tough choices at times but we made them together right till the end.

You can't live your life when it is dictated in this way, so sorry you are going through this.

Lunar what you have said is the little voice in the back of my head. The what if's.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 25-Nov-12 20:21:20

I agree with Lunar.

You have been together 4 years, not 5 minutes. He has made a unilateral decision about your relationship & is expecting you to just fall in with it. No matter how sick he is - he owed it to you to discuss the options with you and to at least try make a joint decision about what was best and if you couldn't, then to say 'I can't live with that, I need to do my own thing'.

Secondly, unless there are extenuating circumstances, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who thought I couldn't help him in this situation. A relationship, to me, is about weathering all things that happen - not just the 'good' times. I would feel I wasn't good enough/wasn't enough for him and that wouldn't do us any good.

It might be best for him to be at his parents if they are home 24/7 and if he needs that kind of care and if it's a decision you come to together.

amillionyears Sun 25-Nov-12 20:25:21

ok. Some questions.
Could you have looked after him adequately do you think?
Did he discuss the situation with you at all?
Did he give you any warning that he was leaving?
Do you mind that he took the dogs, and did he even ask?
Do you think that he thinks you are still on track?
How far away as he gone.Can you still see him regularly and often?

So reality has just hit, I am a blubbering mess.

amillionyears Sun 25-Nov-12 20:55:57

Did he leave today?
Has he contacted you yet?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 25-Nov-12 20:56:59

<<big hugs>>

Today, I thought I was strong. I'm not. I know he is ill but it doesn't stop it hurting me.

We have sent each other texts, we are still contacting each other.

No I couldn't give him the care his mum can. She is retired and I work full time, I can't give up my job, as there would be no money coming in.

I'm on my way to work and I just feel shitty. Today is going to be long.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 26-Nov-12 12:59:26

What he has done is hurtful - that is why it hurts sad

Being ill is not a right of passage to do as you please and treat those around you badly. Its just not.

The point isn't whether you could have given him the care his Mum can, the point is he didn't discuss it with you. He didn't show you any thought or consideration at all. You should have made a joint decision about what needed to be done and how.

Could you live there too? On a practical level it would reduce the care burden on his presumably not young mother, and you could continue your relationship?

I fear he is being a martyr and is testing you.

Wingedharpy Mon 26-Nov-12 15:47:06

Can I ask what's wrong with him? What illness does he have?
Feel free to ignore if you would prefer not to say.

He is absolutely a martyr, he hates the fact that he is unable to do things, and will carry on doing them even though they are detrimental to his health. Things like heavy lifting. I try to understand his frustrations but it's hard to when he isn't doing anything to help himself.

I know how to pick em.

I didn't mean that. I meant "She feels like she has to be with me because I'm SO ILL, so I'll give her a chance to leave me and she will, just you wait."

So the question is, will you?

No i'm in it for the long haul. I love this man with all my heart. I knew when I met him that he had medical problems and it really does not matter to me. It may be cheesy but he is my best friend, he makes me laugh, and all I want in the whole wide world is for him to get better.

rubyrubyruby Mon 26-Nov-12 22:15:21

I suspect he made this decision in desperation.
Do you get on well with his Mother? Are they local?

I know it's tough but give him time xxx

Yes I think he reached his last rope as it were. I am angry that he did not discuss it with me however at the same time I understand his decision.

I do get on with his parents, they have moved recently it is about a 10 min walk.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 26-Nov-12 23:47:51

If it's only a 10 minute walk, why does he need to live there for his mum to be able to help him?

Well there you go. You are going to pass the test if it is indeed one...

Could you move in and share the care? How would that suggestion go down?

Well we need to talk about him moving first without discussing it with me. I really didn't say much on Sunday night as I was numb with shock.

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