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Well purse my fanjo, giraffes in wheelchairs and submariners going dowwwnnnn - the dating thread hits 30!

(1000 Posts)

Off we go...

lubeybooby Sat 24-Nov-12 14:32:59

woohoo new thread!

snapespeare Sat 24-Nov-12 14:37:42

sad old friend drank too much last night and has cancelled on me for tonight. Friend I was meant to going to the theatre with last night cancelled on me too. Am snapey-no-mates. sad

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 24-Nov-12 14:42:26

Oh Snape I hate it when that happens.

Although on the plus side it's so horrible out today that maybe staying in with a slanket won't feel so bad. I feel like snuggling up inside and not going out on a date, but I have to leave in 10 minutes. And my hair will look horrible the minute I step out of the door even though I've spent ages straightening it. Aagh.

lubeybooby Sat 24-Nov-12 14:44:31

Oh no snape sad

snapespeare Sat 24-Nov-12 14:47:04

It is VILE outside, this is true. Going to pop to Waities and buy whiskey & a rotisserie chicken...and rifle through charity shops for a £2 zombie film. My ideal date night! Wonderful company, Laphroaig & gore! I know I'll end up buying Bridget sodding jones

Woke up this morning holding my own hand. <sigh> very not good.

KirstyWirsty Sat 24-Nov-12 14:48:31

Marking my spot

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 15:17:23

Helloooo number thirty! This is going to be a brilliant thread: all crapness will dissipate and fade away like the morning dew and all manner of things will be well.

Hello all...I'm sitting in the car with a sleeping DS outside soft play centre. It's horrible outside!

Still have to wash and dry my hair and generally make myself presentable by 7 whilst keeping DS entertained.

lubey hope it's not thursday!

bant that's quite a line up you have, I'd be worried I'd get them confused meeting 2 new dates within hours of each other

snape mmm, whiskey and chicken sounds yum

libby that happens with my hair too! I have a massive umbrella but still the moisture screws it all up. Enjoy your date!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 24-Nov-12 15:31:14

Thanks, questions. On train now and hair sticking out in most bizarre way. Who else has a date tonight?

AndLibbyMakesThree Sat 24-Nov-12 15:33:44

OWW, hope you're right. It's about time everyone on this thread had some good luck.

bantamrooster Sat 24-Nov-12 16:07:17

Found the thread.. no mention of giraffes in wheelchairs?

I think I may cancel the Venezuelan tomorrow. It's an hours drive in miserable weather to a place I don't know for coffee with someone I haven't had much interaction with via mail, and now I look at the pictures again she's not that cute.

I'd rather just spend the afternoon chilling and tidying. Oh joy. Then early evening date with the Artist, which I won't get too excited about but at least it's in my town. Same place, in fact, where I met the Amazing Vanishing Historian a few months back.

Not sure if thats good woo or bad woo.

So far, the artist has said she believes in horoscopes, has sent me a couple of LOLs and an OMG, and she's a couple of years older than me, when I'd kind of prefer someone younger. But it hasn't put me off, strangely.

Yogagirl17 Sat 24-Nov-12 16:13:18

Sorry my fault about the lack of giraffes - I was way more entertained by the gymnastic dentist and tis all about my own personal entertainment at the moment

Marking my place from the hell that is the bowling alley/arcade on a cold saturday afternoon.

You realise if you cancel the venezuelan though, I'd expect that would be it, especially as you said it had taken you a while to fix things up to meet. I just mean you'd come across as flakey to her and she'd (I would anyway!) write you off. So if you're ok with that then do what you're comfortable with. Same place is definitely good woo!

Oh and no mention of avocados either!! But I still like the thread name.

kirsty did you get a response from theauditor?

libby sticky-out hair is sexy! That's what I tell myself anyway wink

bantamrooster Sat 24-Nov-12 16:23:22

well I might possibly be meeting with Milk & Snape tonight, at a pub crawl. Not exactly a date, but could be fun smile

mercury7 Sat 24-Nov-12 16:25:12

another one already!
I dont have any new dates lined up but fingers crossed should get to see both fwb's next week (separately)

Some low key online chatting with a few other guys but they all seem mysteriously shy when I make it clear I'm not prepared to meet without a prior video call hmm

LOL mercury @ separately...

SoleSource Sat 24-Nov-12 16:32:31


I am too fat for dating. I've given up.

But tbete is a guy I could sexy time with.

Any tips for flirting?

KirstyWirsty Sat 24-Nov-12 16:33:41

question yes he replied.. But no further chat .. That's ok though

bant did you cancel then?

I wouldn't mind a gymnastic dentist. The one I saw on Thursday wasn't the least bit athletic. She did give me some fabulous drugs, however, for galloping toothache (turned out to be some infection which promptly went to my ear). Stuck inside since then feeling very sorry for myself - can't remember last time I wasn't out on either a Friday or Saturday night. Least weather is awful, which helps.

bant how old is The Artist? I do think there is an age threshold for the use of OMG. LOL is a touch more acceptable, I think.

Bantam I have asked for said giraffes in wheelchairs to re appear.

Voice I used omg yesterday blush Is the threshold a minimum or maximum?


Yoga bugger, I just saw your dentist preference, got the rest of your suggestions in and I'm sure the dentist will still be around by the next thread

I've just got home and its horrible out. my DS is going to be out so perfect night of films and being cosy lined up.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 24-Nov-12 18:13:58

Place-marking. My groan-makingly persistent texter seems to have taken the hint for now. But he has inexplicably posted some idiotic drunken photos on his profile hmm. So he's still irritating me indirectly and don't know if I cba meeting him at all... Wondering if IABU?

Am enjoying chatting (through PoF currently) with an exceptionally good-looking, and also rather attractively droll, man smile. Other than that, all quiet on OD front. Ignoring, that is, my non-meeter from last week, who is still texting off and on wtaf.

Hope everyone with plans has a good evening, and all the sofa-stayers (like me) too!

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 18:25:50

Houston we have communication. He started it, not me, and he phoned so I've not lost the bet - I hope

All is well (as I remember saying earlier). Am a bit pissed but it's still all good. Am slightly jealous of dating thread meet-ups - who's in the north west to show these southerners how it's done??

SkaffenAmtiskaw Sat 24-Nov-12 18:28:22

Hi all, new thread already?

I have underwhelming news: first meeting with frustrated writer didn't happen. His car broke down. First reaction: yeah right. But then I spoke to him on the phone and he seemed really upset about it and was very apologetic. So I think I'll give him a second chance, but that means it's going to be a while before we can meet.

Argh. I was looking forward to it too, it was quite promising. Roll on monday and the real ale buff!

Yogagirl17 Sat 24-Nov-12 18:30:00

Aha - I have the answer!!!

Got messaged by a guy with a photo of himself holding a very large fish so I asked him - "What's the deal with pictures of men with fish?" And he told me....who wants to know the answer? winkwink

Western, I know I'm jealous too. I reckon I'm just a bit too far north for you though.

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 18:32:18

yoga spill!!

snapespeare Sat 24-Nov-12 18:32:57

oww yes you've lost the bet. Forfeit! Forfeit! grin

I'm glad he phoned. smile <throws phone across room, whilst acknowledging it's been a month, ain't gonna happen>

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 18:35:19

No way Snape he phoned me and I've still not texted!!

Well, I have, actually and in latin so you can tell I'm pissed. And he didn't get it sad. Will have to chuck him.

snapespeare Sat 24-Nov-12 18:38:40

Leave the bastard!!!


Yogagirl17 Sat 24-Nov-12 18:43:08

Ha ha, I thank you all for continuing to entertain me. I have to confess I am playing with some of the poor boys on POF tonight as well...really must get a proper hobby.

So fish man said the reason you get so many pics of men with fish is because it's one of the few times they like getting their photos taken.

Snape Are you going out with Milk & Bantam tonight?

snapespeare Sat 24-Nov-12 18:50:26

No, I'm feeling a bit fragile, really missing voldemort today, it's cold out and I want to spend some time with Ds1 while he's in a non suicidal better mood. But I'm def signed up for next outing. smile

MirandaWest Sat 24-Nov-12 18:52:15

Hello smile

Have been making birthday cake for DS. And having stupid stresses about broken down car (battery I think) and getting DS to a different birthday party but luckily Mr Nice was able to be knight and shining armour and take us to it. And then take DD and me to XHs house so I could steal borrow his car as I luckily have a spare key for it. XH currently up more north seeing his GF but he will be back later on as party tomorrow is at his house. Car still dead but as I am going away working again straight after party this is not major issue.

I have to pack for going away. Gah. And be in XHs house tomorrow for ages with 8 and 9 year old boys and XH. DD and I are going to hide in her room and play with dolls and ponies and things grin.

natureslaw Sat 24-Nov-12 18:54:20

It's one of the few times they like having their photos taken?
That's a dull answer when you consider the world of alternatives.

natureslaw Sat 24-Nov-12 18:55:45

I preferred the phallic theory or the pun on fish.

onwardsupwards Sat 24-Nov-12 19:05:22

Hi all

May I join in?

I've just joined eHarmony this week.

I met my last chap on Guardian lasted for three years but he was a horrendous commitmentphobe (that saga documented at length elsewhere) and I finally (with mucho support from Mumsnet) put a full stop to it.

Hence new name.....onwards and upwards! (Original, I know......)

Am now shocked that an attractive (ACTUALLY attractive) man who can spell and in no way resembles a potato has emailed me.

This is not a stealth boast, promise - I am so jaded now, I'm almost suspicious and in 'it feels too good to be true' / 'did he mean to email someone else' territory.

Self-esteem not what is was after the commitment-phobe, y'see....

Anyway - would love to share your 'journeys' as it were, and hope I can join in! smile

antonym Sat 24-Nov-12 19:11:26

Dic nobis, OWW, verba Latina quae non intellexit ut tibi indicamus utrum haec eius ignorantia excusabilis sit, necne.

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 19:17:17

Antonym you're the man for me! It was really basic first year stuff which is around my limit. Maybe I'll let him off, depends on how things go tonight...

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 24-Nov-12 19:24:09

Western, glad your man called smile.

allchangeplease Sat 24-Nov-12 19:39:10

Hi all! smile

This was probably discussed to death already, but i haven't read these threads before
I have a simple question about internet dating (I'm on more of
a 'relationships' site than casual) - what to do if you don't want to jump into bed quickly, but want to get to know him properly first?

It seems that people are thrust in the dating situations, and either it peters out very quickly due to the woman stalling regarding sex or at least kissing (and I mean just after a couple of dates), or people just genuinely don't know how to go on dating without sex as we don't always have same interests. How many drink or dinner dates can you have - it's expensive and doesn't let you know the person iykwim, only possibly whether you fancy them, or whether you can enjoy a chat, but not KNOW his qualities.

Men seem to be spoilt by others who slept with then quickly, and they get upset and decide you dont fancy them if you dont have sex after a few dates. Is the whole thing not for me at all, if I want to have at least 10 dates doing normal 'activities' like you would with a friend. And how to explain this to a man without him concluding you don't fancy him?

sorry for rambling!

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 19:46:52

Thanks Dog but I'm swapping horses mid-race and hoping Antonym will run away with me

Onwards - have faith, in yourself and in other people (within reason for the latter). There are decent men out there, so there's no reason on earth why one of them won't take a liking to you.

Allchange - to be honest, ten dates is going to be two or three months, if one or both of you have family or work commitments. Most people would want a bit of light petting at least to make sure the chemistry's there otherwise it's a lot of time/money/missed opportunities. No harm at all in taking things slowly overall, though ie not rushing into bed.

hatesponge Sat 24-Nov-12 19:52:15

allchange there are lots of men who use dating sites purely for sex. Those men will hope to get sex on a first, second or third date, they won't be much interested in waiting beyond that and will probably disappear if sex doesn't happen.

Having said that, those same men would also disappear as soon as sex happened anyway. TBH they really are no loss.

The sort of man who is looking for a relationship won't mind if he has to wait 3 dates or 30 dates for sex, provided of course there is a mutual attraction there, and there's a bit more than a peck on the cheek or a chaste hug so you both know there is chemistry.

onwardsupwards Sat 24-Nov-12 19:54:01

Thanks OWW smile

Will try to focus on that!

FlorentinePogen Sat 24-Nov-12 19:55:22

I just had to de-lurk to say how deeply, deeply disappointed I was to see that the phrase 'My Lovely Horse' did not make it into the title of this thread.

Ho hum.

Alittlestranger Sat 24-Nov-12 20:00:47

Allchange, IMHO ten dates is a long time, especially if you're ruling out kissing. If you want to wait that long I think you possibly need to fill your dates in on this and explain your reasons (not justifying yourself, but setting out your rationale). Personally I would be very wary about dating someone for that long without much going on physically, but that's just me. It puts too much pressure on the grand reveal shag and I'd also suspect that they were more interested in a relationship in general than one with me, and were trying to force themselves to develop feelings for me.

The problem/point of OD is you just can't really expect to replicate those organic relationships that grow out of friendship in real life.

onwardsupwards Sat 24-Nov-12 20:01:20

All change

How many drink or dinner dates can you have - it's expensive and doesn't let you know the person iykwim, only possibly whether you fancy them, or whether you can enjoy a chat, but not KNOW his qualities.

- I so know what you mean by this.

Last time I tried internet dating, I saw a man for three dates, but stretched out over a looong time. (We lived an hour apart, and both had logistical issues.)

The problem was that by the third date I still thought he was pleasant / nice / interesting, but I hadn't reached the 'I fancy you' stage yet.

So I wasn't going to make the move on him or allow that sort of situation to happen. So what then?

More dates of strolling round the park / lunch / dinner / pub? After three dates, it kind of felt like we'd done all that. I suppose the next stop is dinner at either his or mine, but because I didn't want anything physical yet, I stalled on that.

I just didn't know where to take it from there, and thought if neither of us is going to / wants to lunge, then it isn't going to happen.

In the end I told him I thought I was too old for him (five year gap - nothing really, I know).

It wasn't that I disliked him, at all. It just felt like I didn't know where to take it from there without that feeling of fancying him loads to propel things forward. Shame in way. He was a nice enough bloke. So hard without that chemistry though, and I worried I was fircing myself to fancy him. But with time.....who knows what would've happened....

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 24-Nov-12 21:13:08

I have just seen a cock shot as a profile pic. PoF reaches new lows. Yuck.

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 21:37:32

Totally agree with every single word hatesponge smile

Yogagirl17 Sat 24-Nov-12 21:41:21

Dog I'm pretty sure you can report that. I'm giving up on POF. And OKC. It's all total rubbish. I am just going to have to trust fate or the universe or woo or something.

Western - I'm glad he phoned. smile

Snape - a night in is good too. I'm sorry you're missing him. Just remember, what you have done is make space in your life for something or someone better. Would have been cool to meet Milk & Bantam though. x

WarmFuzzyFun Sat 24-Nov-12 21:47:25

Hey. Will go back up and read all the news and happenings. As is the dating thread motto 'stuff happens and fast'.

I am having a <whispers> very good time . Don't want to jinx it, as very early days. (WarmFuzzy taps side of nose and nods sagely, whilst looking left and right)

I've caught me a live one!grin

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 21:52:49

That's great Fuzzy

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:01:56

bantam is there slight hostility towards Venezuelan?confused

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 24-Nov-12 22:04:39

Yoga can't even bear to go back online to report it! The site was teeming with picture-less profiles (many belonging to openly married men) tonight, all looking for intimate encounters. I'm sure I was on last Saturday night at some point, and it wasn't like that. Depressing doesn't even begin to describe it hmm.

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 22:07:31

Dog I'm sure you can block out IE seekers. But ewwww - as a profile pic?????

smokinaces Sat 24-Nov-12 22:11:30

Evening all!!

Not liking the fish explanation got to be a better reason. I might email ten users with big fish just to ask.

Mr Knox is still going. Date Thursday included some snogging. And second base ;-)

4th date tomorrow evening. And arranging cinema for Friday night. Still not sure on the sex thing, maybe Friday. Maybe ill stick with acting like a teen a while longer.

natureslaw Sat 24-Nov-12 22:13:07

fuzzy just a few details wouldn't jinx it, surely? grin

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:13:53

I'd say the fish thing has to do with showing off being a hunter, a warrior hmm and something to do with willies wink

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:15:27

Yay fuzzy!

Evening all, checking in to the new thread smile

With regards to "how many dinner dates can you go on?"

I have shared this before and resolved it with the help of the lovely people on this thread.

I dated (I use the term loosely) a lovely man for approximately 3 months. 3 months = 12 weeks. I saw him roughly twice a week, sometimes more. 12 x 2 = 24 dates. We would go for dinner, people watching, I met his friends, his parents knew about me. Reader, there was hugging and sleeping in the same bed. There was no kissing or PDAs thank God, hate PDAs

It got to the point where I regarded him as a friend and I didn't know what he wanted from me. hmm although who buys their friend a £100 bottle of perfume for no reason and tells their parents about a "friend"

Dinner dates are good if you like company and food.

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:16:15

Oh God I'm so tired, sorry if my post doesn't make sense or add anything to the conversation.


MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:17:24

Dog you can block IE people from contacting you. Think it's under settings.

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:17:32

There was hugging and sleeping in the same bed and no kissing??? That sounds odd.

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 22:20:58

I've said this before on this thread, but although I can see the willie = sports car/ power tool/ baguette I am really not sure that a fish cuts it as a phallic symbol. Fish, well, they always struck me as a bit feminine. Yes, they're powerful but they're sinuous, sleek, mysterious, unknown and misunderstood. And a large percentage of the population thinks they don't feel pain ... I rest my case m'lud.

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:21:05

I know world. hmm

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:23:15

Western grin I like that fish explaination.

I don't get the car photo.

Well I do. It's a status symbol "look at my shiny metal box on wheels investment, I can provide for you.

I couldn't give a shit about your car. A photo of your face would be nice.

Scattylatte Sat 24-Nov-12 22:23:22

Evening. Just had goats cheese, chips and mushroom in a pub. Home early.

So, bodybuilder was.....very good company. Don't fancy him at all. Although pretty flash he was in fact very good humoured, intelligent and thoughtful.
Half way through the date he asked me if I thought his shirt was too big. I said I couldn't tell to which he replied 'hang on...let me give you a twirl!.....

snape Id love a night out drinking, music and fun. My friends all want to eat and chat. All the time. I've got limited opportunity for pure fun.

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:25:25

I think it's more about the effort as in having patience etc. which makes fishing such an achievement and you also can eat it, so possibly having to do with this provider stuff, and it has to do with outdoor stuff and all that.

I have been around the world quite a bit, and I swear no matter where I was, regardless of nationality, culture, religion, age you name it ALL MEN seemed to like to barbecue, so what's all that about???

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:27:34

Oh mac yep the car thing, that's amazing how many do that. I also do not give a flying f... about the car he is driving.

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:28:11

Scatty arf at "I'll give you a twirl"

I know what you mean. Why's everyone so food focussed? ignores plans for the next week that all revolve around food

world I wish I knew.

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:29:29

And also the bloody stupid "on a motorbike wearing a helmet photo" by all means have a photo of you on your bike. But as your profile picture? Noooo.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 24-Nov-12 22:30:16

Western, yes, his actual cock as his profile pic. In his hand, with a few pubes visible too. Boak.

Mac, thanks, my account is set up so that IE seekers can't contact me. They were just all over the site tonight. Quite weird, there's not even a full moon!

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:30:43

Only say food and pleasure substitute...grin

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:33:04

Eww Dog thanks for that description. envy < that is not envy.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Sat 24-Nov-12 22:41:12

Sorry, mac, realised it was tmi after I'd posted! Going to try and sleep now. Tomorrow's another day and all that grin.

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 22:42:54

Dog they're getting desperate coming up to Christmas. Don't want to spend the festive season alone with only a cock on hand to provide festive cheer Have heard it's s strange night from my cousin in Wales who's on PoF too!

The food thing is from a couple of threads ago when someone suggested that any man, anywhere, will talk on the subject of what have you had/are having fit breakfast/dinner/tea or lunch/dinner depending on whereabouts in the uk you come from. It leads to some nice,cosy,domestic chat. I love it!!

Antonym where are you? Im standing by my front door withy bags packed ...

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 22:43:46

Excuse typos: pissed, but you can get the gist.

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:49:02

People love to talk food. confused I got to hear all about my friends breakfast the other day - she'd made French toast - but still hmm

I prefer eating it.

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:54

mac you're funny grin

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 22:54:36

Are you drunk too world? wink

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 22:55:48

Sort of

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:02:27

No serioulsy, I am extremely happy as I have received a promotion and am just so chuffed about it.
And I am so over the moon about a guy I fancy so much, and I only will have a chance to see him this coming Wednesday at his workplace, and due to this promotion which also means moving to a different department, I won't be able to go there on Wednesdays, and am not sure, if I will see him again and I am now trying to figure out how to make a move or if I should even make one?!

Never really made a first move blush And he is younger, I assume much younger, maybe 10-12 years, so never ever fancied someone younger than myself, and am a little surprised and insecure as well.
I am getting all the glnaces, smiles and staring and all that, but well...all rambling.

Ok this is my first loo update!

Location: west london
Alcohol consumed: .75 of a bottle?
Likelihood to kiss: already happened wink

No seriously, he's still cute. He even admitted he went on a date last night because he'd already arranged it. I don't have a problem with that, I'm not sure if I'd admit to it though! Thoughts, anyone?

MacAndCheese Sat 24-Nov-12 23:09:12

world why not just ask him if he'd like to go for a coffee sometime?

Ooh look at you questions wink is the conversation flowing? Are you having fun?

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:16:45

Can you believe it, I am so tongue-tied when I fancy someone, I get so shy and nervous and hate when that happens, but it does.

I cannot think about anything else anymore, cause I really fancy him and I got the feeling he would be interested and now I need to figure out a way to sort of find out if he really only works on Wednesdays there and then I am thinking about droping that as of next week there is no way that I can show up there (in the library) on that day or any other day during the week for that matter as I will be in a different area, so won't make it there on time.

Maybe then there wil be a reason to express something along the lines how sad it would be not see him again and maybe meet elsewhere, like for a coffee, yes that's a good idea, if I wouldn't be too nervous.

He is so much younger, and I think he has mistaken my real age or maybe not, he is still a uni studentblush

allchangeplease Sat 24-Nov-12 23:32:18

thanks for all the replies! I probably didn't explain too well, but for me the point of longer dating is not really to know whether I fancy the guy (though a scenario described by onwards happened to me too, when the guy is decent but no instanjtj chemisrty - thanks onwards - I think if your guy was proactive he should have come up with more ideas for dates).
What often happens that I do quite fancy the guy after one or two meetings but I'm not looking for just sex, so I want to know him as a person - and that inevitably takes time. I've made enough mistakes in real life situations where I jumped into relationships based on sexual attarction and than only found out how unsuitable he was - huge waste of months, sometimes years! attarction blinds you to other things, and then it's harder to leave as it's a bond of sorts. I wouldn't date anyone 10 times (dates) if I didn't find him attractive.
Also I didn't mean no holding hands/hugs etc, maybe kissing after three-four dates but not too heavy so that you don't feel like now you must sleep with him at a next meeting. So i take on board what many posters said about some tactile element. It's just how to come up with so many things to do iykwim? can anyone suggest things apart from coffee/drinks/meals where a guy could be seen as a personality more, how he responds to things. Is it impossibly with internet dating - in which case how do the success stories happen? <mind boggles>... do they just take a gamble and get involved regardless, just on their impression of the guy few times?

OhWesternWind Sat 24-Nov-12 23:37:35

Hi All Change - well, to be honest, you need to see internet dating as just the means by which you are introduced. It's no different to meeting someone at a party or via a friend - you suddenly find yourselves on a date and there you are, starting off a relationship maybe and how you met is really immaterial. The only thing different, sometimes, is that you've not had chance to observe the guy beforehand - sometimes that happens non-ID and sometimes it doesn't. So I wouldn't get hung up on that aspect of it.

The way to get to know someone is to spend time with them and talk to them, preferably in different situations. So it doesn't really matter what you do. You coudl spend time in bars, restaurants, parks, fields, houses, wherever - so long as the two of you are together and communicating you will be getting to know each other. And even if you feel you aren't, that will tell you something in itself. Maybe you're overthinking the whole thing a little? Just go with what happens, do what the two of you feel like doing and it will all work out one way or the other.

allchangeplease Sat 24-Nov-12 23:41:55

world has he got any of your contact details, so could ask you out?
I asked out a younger guy recently - sadly nothing great to report. Also was getting stares and smiles, and he did , it seems, jumped at the chance when i asked him, no hesitation, arranged the time/day at once, but when it came to the date ot was really odd - I didn't directly suggest a date, just to go and see an exhibition that he mentioned, and i met him at his place of work originally - I thought he'd me flirty etc but when we met up he behaved still quiye formal. I don't get it, as he is not that naive I'm sur as to think I was JUST after any company, but although he was nice and the chat flowed, he didn't even offered to have drinks after that. I decided that I've done my bit - and he said I should tell him when I'm next at an X place so we could go there togehter, I said that I already know when, given hin a choice of dates - but he never contacted again, and I wasn't going to chase. Ime young guys can be very fickle, and don't always know what they want, some like to be led mothered all the time and if you ask hom out he may expect initiative from you later. I just don't get excited if the guy doesn't take initiative soon.

'Course, yours may be a gem! just don't expect a lot, better to be surprised the other way round.

allchangeplease Sat 24-Nov-12 23:46:27

OhWestren, I know what you aer saying, but I find the whole situation odd if you only ever meet the two of you as if in a bubble, and you don't see what he's like with people etc - this can be very deceptive as if a man fancies you he could be on his best behaviour. That's exactlyt what doesn't happen in real life dating unless you randomly met in a bar. Also there is no intrique kind of, you have to come with answers soon and ime men from online always ask directly quite soon where it's going. I know it sounds like overthinking but I've tried the dating a few times and always come up against this! dunno, maybe some women aer great jundges of character and that way don't need to get to know him much.

worldcitizen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:47:38

Thanks allchange, that sounds uplifting and is helpful. maybe I should just try and sort of say to myself i have nothing to lose. I know I would be bothered and beat myself up afterwards if I won't take the chance. then it would be all these 'What if's?' going round in my head.

No, he has no contact details. So, did you simply ask for a date?

allchangeplease Sun 25-Nov-12 00:39:45

world, as i say i didn't directly ask for a date, but after he mentioned that thing being on, I e-mailed him and playfully said that I'm going there on his suggestion but would be nicer to go with someone knowledgeable (it's his fiekd), and was sure he'll make excuses (and didn't know if he has a GF) but he agreed and suggested the time/date. Not sure why you see my story as uplifting in hte sense that it didn't lead anywhere - but it's true that even it that's he case it's not hard to get over! if hte guy doesn't reciprocate you';; automatically cool down towards him, I'm sure , as I did - the important thing is to act quickly before you get to fantasise too much and build up some emotion towards him. I think i'm going back to older men, getting dates from dating sites now - older men are more consistent I find, and not scared to initiate/get rejected.

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 25-Nov-12 00:40:18

Aagh, am so frustrated. Great evening - film, meal, cocktails. But just a quick kiss on lips before I had to jump on train. Think we both like each other though s
o maybe there'll be another time with a proper snog?

allchangeplease Sun 25-Nov-12 00:42:14

sorry for mistakes, falling asleep now blush - 'even if that's the case..', 'you'll' not you';;!

AndLibbyMakesThree Sun 25-Nov-12 00:46:10

questions sounds like you had good date too.
allchange I can identify with a lot of what you say. I like to get to know someone before getting too physical, but in OD it often feels like you have to make up your mind in a few dates at most.

worldcitizen Sun 25-Nov-12 00:46:46

...but it's true that even it that's he case it's not hard to get over! if hte guy doesn't reciprocate you';; automatically cool down towards him...

yep, ^^^^^^^ exactly that's why it's uplifting

Poppysquad Sun 25-Nov-12 01:39:29

Half Italian stallion delivered. Although it was 9:30 last night before he got back from dropping the kids off. I went over to his place. He cooked some food, we drank wine and enjoyed each others company (?) until about 3:30 this afternoon, when I had to get back home. Sigh.
Date 5, but he can't say when he'll be free again. He does seem really tied up with work and family. I do hope he's not stringing me on.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 25-Nov-12 08:00:13

Hi all. Update from the old lady on 'older dating'! I've had a couple of email conversations (woo hoo!) and may even meet someone for coffee today - but can someone tell me, what's with the guys who repeatedly wink, but don't send a proper personal message? In fact none of them start things going with a message with any personal (ie my profile mentioned) content at all - it's just a generic 'hi, [remarks about chemistry etc], get in touch if you like'. There's one guy who, from his profile, is unlikely to be for me - I might respond if he sent a message, but he's winked at me 3 or 4 times now! I'm thinking 'just write me a proper message you lazy sod, don't leave it up to me!' AIBU?!

48howdidthathappen Sun 25-Nov-12 09:22:49

poppy pleased you got to see your chap. I really make the time for the first few dates with someone, but then RL just gets in the way and have to slow it down. It isn't that I have gone off them, just hard to fit everything in.

Alittlestranger Sun 25-Nov-12 09:44:24

Walk you're being a little bit unreasonable, and a little bit of a lazy sod for not writing a message wink. OD is all about being proactive, if you like the look of someone you need to mark your place.

Allchange I get what you're saying but I think you might be overthinking a little. It sounds like you want to set up an assault course of dates to test various aspects of their personality. I actually think you can tell a lot from conversation and you get the "best behaviour" check from how someone interacts with bar staff etc.

What about signing up to activities where there will be other people, e.g. you could do a one day cookery or sporting course? Plus inviting him to social occassions with your friends present would be a good check but at that point you have to accept that you're giving the impression of moving beyond dating.

Ultimately you've described why some relationships peter out. You start seeing someone and then something emerges and you both know it won't work... That's just how it works, and it sounds like you're trying to put too many artificial barriers up. I think you have to except that you need quite a high level of security from a relationship and that is something you're just going to have to communicate, e.g. explaining that you won't sleep with someone outside of a serious relationship.

KirstyWirsty Sun 25-Nov-12 09:52:21

Morning all!!

Well I have date number 4 with TheAuditor on Thursday .. We are going to Body Attack and then for dinner .. It's a bit different!!

Morning all..have a bit of a hangover..

libby its frustrating when you don't get a proper kiss and you want it! Hopefully when you do get round to it it'll be amazing

poppy glad he came through, sounds like you had a good time

kirsty that is different, and brave!

Walkacrossthesand Sun 25-Nov-12 10:56:50

<rushes to clarify> oh, I do send message to someone I like the look of, littlestranger - I just wonder what's going on inside the head of a guy who doesn't do the same, just winks. Repeatedly. Oh well.

Poppysquad Sun 25-Nov-12 10:56:57

Thanks questions yes I had a great times thanks. He is good fun and makes me laugh and is really sexy but has got his hands full with family stuff. I just want to be able to relax and let things take their course, instead of which I am constantly analysing things.
I am paranoid about there being other women. Isn't it ridiculous? it's all based on ExH and is activities.
He seems so open about a lot of things. I think that's the Italian in him to some extent. And he does appears to struggle to make time to see me, but has managed it. I am desperate to believe that there can't be time for others. This bloody paranoia. I

lubeybooby Sun 25-Nov-12 11:19:31

Morning all!

BC update! He's managed to sort us out a whole night and most of the following day, the day before he goes shock So Thursday evening, night, and Friday daytime into evening. So that fits nicely with my un-get-out-of-able plans for Thurs too.

I don't know what we're doing yet, but it's going to be damned good that's for sure grin

legs it to start tidying the fuck out of my house in a panic

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 25-Nov-12 12:05:50

Goodness me! I have at last caught up with all the happenings. I need to really make notes as I go, so that I can make those witty comments you all are dying for me to make!

Welcome to: allchange, walksacross, questions, 48, Alittlestranger, WhattheDog, AndLibby I hope I haven't missed anyone, apologies.

Details: He is gorgegous, I like him and he likes me, very much grin

I must take it slowly, 'there is many a slip between cup and lip'

(Would be great to do a meet up...perhaps North vs South? Just putting it out there)

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 25-Nov-12 12:06:51

Oh and he LOVES my dresseswink

NicholasTeakozy Sun 25-Nov-12 12:23:47

Bloody heck you lot move quick! Regarding the fish holding, what would you think of a profile pic of a man holding a battered fillet of cod?

MsArseBiscuit Sun 25-Nov-12 12:42:37

Nicholas, I would propose to a man holding a battered cod fillet.

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 13:14:55

Ok there's a plan. Got to get a mate to take a picture for my profile, hunkered down on the waters edge holding a box of waitrose cod in parsley sauce

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 13:17:46

I want a picture of a man in the kitchen, cooking the damn fish - now that would appeal to me.

SweetSeraphim Sun 25-Nov-12 13:30:44

Please, please do that Bantam. That would make me LOL.

Waitrose? now there's class.

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 14:48:46

Well I wouldn't show tesco value, juliette, I'm meant to be showing off my ability to provide after all smile

MacAndCheese Sun 25-Nov-12 14:59:25

Sounds like a plan to - wait for it - reel the ladies in bant

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 15:18:14

If all goes well with the pic, a new woman could win a.....plaice in your heart.....

MacAndCheese Sun 25-Nov-12 15:18:42

Oh Snape



lulubellaboozle Sun 25-Nov-12 15:23:43

I'm sure she will just say when she's haddock enough of the fishy stuff!

MacAndCheese Sun 25-Nov-12 15:25:18

grin lulu

FlorentinePogen Sun 25-Nov-12 15:51:16

There is a skill to using fish puns well. Anyone can add a ruffe and ready fish pun to conversation, and have a halibut time. But experts will enjoy more subtle attempts to weaver fish pun into discourse without tang-ling themselves up.

You may be settling into salmon chanted evening with a dear friend (fishnets look better with eels incidentally) and are angling to impress by becoming a dab hand with your fishy puns. No need to clam up, you don't need to be a brain sturgeon to catch them hook line and sinker, but it is important not to skate around a few important points before trying to reel them in.

Firstly you need to be in-tuna with your ordnance. Your puns must be in the right plaice or your humour will be left floundering in the shallows with no sole.
For a successful net result you must catch people's attention.
Fish puns are welcome any day of the week, barramundi.
People will consider your humour a load of pollacks if you use too many puns.
To really get them pouting, you must be subtle and creative with your whiting.

For some, the fish pun may be an acquired taste. Take for example the case of cunning ling-uist Miss Crabby Patty the fishmongers daughter. She was a Lemon Soul who hated winkles, and cockles, preferring kippers or the whiff of bearded clam. Often she would present her slab and ask ladies to fillet. Despite the fact that she smelt funny many mussel bound seaman tried to dock their tackle, but were never allowed anywhere near her crustacean. She also liked to discus music, her favorite song being the classic Italian folk tune that went, When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's a moray.

NicholasTeakozy Sun 25-Nov-12 15:51:56

See, if I ever go back to online dating it's what my profile photo would be, for no reason other than it amuses me.

FlorentinePogen Sun 25-Nov-12 15:54:04

Err....that was nicked from elsewhere.....blush
And here I was on the 'Recipes' forum looking for a salmon dish when I just decided to pop in here......

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 16:04:06

florentine grin

(Simmer a pint of single cream, Grate the peel of a lemon into it, add black pepper to taste, stir in pre-cooked pasta and flaked salmon. Squeeze in the Juice of the grated lemon. It's fab)

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 16:48:14

off out to meet the artist. Will give an update assuming she doesn't lol me into submission.

I'll avoid the fish

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 17:28:32

In desperation, I have refined my OKC profile and expanded my age range. Still not wanting to date short guys though.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 17:28:57

Evening all, New thread already? My we are fast!

bant Good luck for the date. Apologies I couldn't make it last night. I got tied up (not literally) as I am about to explain.

So man boy came round, we watched DVD's, ate, got naked. It was all jolly good fun. The only thing is (apologies in advance for offering TMI) I was having trouble getting him to cum. A problem that I solved this morning with the aid of my best BJ skillsblush. I swear though that as soon as that happened there was just this odd change in atmosphere. He was still being nice to me, kissing me etc but I could just feel it. Then he left as I had to go to work for a few hours and now I just feel like shite. I think I've been had (quite literally) in a very similar style to the last guy I was seeing. Only this time it's taken even less time for him to get sick of me. I've given it up too easily (again) I never bloody learn and I feel a right old fool.

I've only got myself to blame though which makes it even worse.

Milk when did you notice something different with him, right after he came or some other time? Sorry you're feeling shit, I think it's also the Sunday thing sad

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 17:42:15

Like almost immediately afterwards Juliette It wasn't that he started behaving dreadfully towards me or anything but I could just sense something had gone wrong somewhere. I can't even put my finger on it. It wasn't embarrassment I din't think, well not on my part anyway as I don't embarrass easily. It sounds silly but I immediately felt like he was thinking "OK, ticked that one off the list-NEXT" Which I shouldn't really be shocked at given his age or the fact that I jumped straight into the sack with him. I just feel like an idiot now & have a strong feeling I will never hear from him again.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 17:43:10



The type of man that judges a woman on when and how she makes him cum is not the type of man we should really be all that bothered about. All this tosh about 'saving' yourself is crap. If you want to shag someone and he wants to shag you, then all well and good. I've held out til the 4th date with a bloke, never heard from him again. DCs dad was technically a one night stand that got a bit complicated... We were together for 7 years (& I still can't quite get rid of him hmm )

Some of this might be your preconception of what happens when you sleep with someone, you might be right, you might not. At the moment, I advise a wait and see attitude.

And if it is worse case scenario, you don't only have yourself to blame, because you have nothing to blame yourself for. You've had sex, it was nice. If he doesn't call, for whatever reason, then that is his problem.

Incidentally, the prof has been on OKC recently...and I don't like Very slim pickings on the atheists of a certain height within a 20 mile radius who don't make me sicky-burp.

Sorry I've just noticed you said right after. The thing is, it's not sure what it's meant to be with him. You seem to see him as non bf material but it also doesn't seem that he is a fwb as you haven't got the friend bit. It's so hard to have someone as a sex buddy if you are feeling at all vulnerable and you were already feeling unsure with him. Not sure what I'm trying to say except that maybe the casual thing isn't for you at the moment?

48howdidthathappen Sun 25-Nov-12 18:02:33

milk sorry you are feeling a bit low.

I slept with my ex the first night we met, we were together 25 years, still would be if it was up to him. He was a grown up about sex.

Mr fuck and run is back to texting daily. Going to see him again. Don't know if he is a grown up about sex yet, hardly know the man.

If not, his loss grin

Crossed posts with you and Snape. If he really has an attitude of 'crossing off' then he really has an attitude problem. None of this is anything to do with you btw, it is entirely his problem. Do not excuse anything because of his age. I had a very loviing relationship which started out what I thought was a ons and he was 24 years younger than me. At no time did I feel I was part of his checklist, he made me feel special.

Agree this is a wait and see, life is too short not to have sex with if you both want it and if he views it as a one off it really is his loss and he'll never get a blow job like than again

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 18:07:59

snape My rational mind agrees with you 110%. It is ridiculous that any man should judge you on how soon you sleep with him. I know people who have shagged on the first date & in the same vain as your Mr 4th date I've known other guys who've vanished as soon as they got their rocks off. Even if it's taken them weeks/months to get it.

Also I totally agree that the type of man who judges you like that isn't worth bothering with. I still can't help feeling really sad about it though. It seems like every sexual interaction I've had with a man since my ex broke contact with me has left me feeling nothing but used. I seem to pick terrible men deliberately, knowing that it can only end in disaster. I'm not over my ex, that is the top and bottom of it.

I totally agree with you about Match. I tried it and couldn't get along with it at all. I much prefer OKC. Sorry the prof has been on there recently. If you keep trawling it you might find a polyamorous relationship to be the 3rd wheel in. I might join you. It's got to be less painful than all of this crap!

48howdidthathappen Sun 25-Nov-12 18:08:21

Agree age shouldn't come into. My ex was 18 when we met, 3 years younger than me.

Oh my fucksie, there is a man on gsm who has 'liked' me that I could actually fancy, sounds lovely and is my age. First one on gsm ever. (there have been a few that I liked the look of who weren't intrested in me).

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 18:16:24

milk I know...and the rationalism doesn't over ride the general shitiness sometimes does it. <sigh>oh, the polys. I don't want to be a third wheel. I'm not a sideline or an after thought.

Right. Don't shout at me. Sent voldie a friend request on fb last night (feel very lonely and although a bit of me recognises he doesnt deserve me, i just needed some familiarity...). with a message, 'this is ridiculous. Can we try to be friends?'

No response. Guess that tells me. No we can't.


Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 18:25:07

snape What an utter fuckwit! He doesn't deserve to have you on his sodding friends list anyway. You've made the gesture though and at least you can know that you've tried and he's the one that's acted like a wanker.

As you say, onwards! I think perhaps onwards to the sofa to eat ice cream and feel sorry for ourselves though. We are allowed 1 day of self pity after all!

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 18:32:59

I honestly can't believe it. I've, yet again, been the grown up and to not even get the dignity of a response. So annoying when you are proved to be a poor judge of character. sad

If I were to attempt to analyse, he's angry, because he's scared, so he's angry at himself, but that externalises at anger at me.... Because I wasn't willing to continually be the ego soothe with very little back. So things change and that's..uncomfortable. When we had 'the' conversation, I made it clear I wasn't asking anything of him, just expressing how I felt.

It's a mess. I've done the best I can.

Yes, onwards. Think I'll be concentrating on work and kids for a bit.

Oh Snape there is something in the air at the moment, not shouting at you, you've done so well and he so does not deserve you.

For all of us feeling a bit shit, lets put it down to the wind, the rain, the full(ish) moon. I almost called someone a cunt in Tesco this afternoon because I was missing my lovely-but-bonkers ex. I have to remind myself every day that yes he was lovely, also totally impossible to be with. I'm not in love with him any more, I just want those good times again and be with someone who is good for me.

btw Snape, you really don't need Voldo sitting there like a bad smell in the corner of your fb pages at the moment. The temptation to peak at his profile, see his pics and what he is doing would not serve you well. It's your fb for your friends.

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 18:41:13

I've had two beers and she's becoming lovely...

OhWesternWind Sun 25-Nov-12 18:42:34

(((((((Hugs))))))) for you all.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 18:47:26

Yeah, there's a stalky bit of me that wants to know that he's ok what he's up to. But things have changed. I acknowledge his behaviour has been less than kind. He knows I've had financial problems because of work don't worry snape! we'll see it through! and so, so worried about Ds1 of course I'll talk to him, I know what it's like .health worries about DD.. I'll come for the next MRI & hold your hand but now it's all about him & how he feels.

So he doesn't deserve me. I know this. still miss him though [wetfish] to self.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 18:47:59

delurking and getting off my sick bed ( thank you DD) to say this:
snape, noones going to shout at you. its been a rough few weeks and its only human to seek out the comfort of someone, especially from someone you thought you knew so well.
Im sorry he didnt reply
BUT - it does show how much of an arse he was, and now it really was one sided and that he actually doesnt care.

harsh to take, harsh to realise. he cant comfort you, because he is too selfish to see past his own needs.

But i know it doesnt help at all. Not when you are reaching out for a friend and for love.

I also suspect the okc thing is a for a confidence boost and trying to feel attractive and not be lonely.


you know, we have all been there, and its shit. But i think this is part of the healing process too, you know. It takes a while, you knew him a long time, its not cured in 30 days.

Forget anyone else for the momment and plough all your energy into yourself and your Dc's.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 18:48:49

bant that's the beer talking [wet cod in batter]

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 18:50:28

I don't think it's that you're a poor judge of character snape more that he's a bloody idiot.

Sadly as well I think a lot of men just read "Let's be friends" as "Shag me, shag me" It's really frustrating but I believe there's more than a little truth in it.

A guy I work with actually told me in all seriousness that any time a woman even smiles at him or is nice to him he automatically thinks "She want's me"shock

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 18:53:59

snape - i dont think you miss him.. i do think you miss thinking someone has got your back. that someone cares. that you dont need to shoulder everything yourself.

You know ive had a shit time the last 6 months too. total life changing stuff. Ive been really suprised by how, if i ask for help, people do help. How its not a sign of me failing or being week having to ask for help or just offloading to someone.

Though its all shit i do feel a bit sorrounded by love right now.
Just a thought that maybe it might help to disperse all the support you sought from him?

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 18:56:28

oh my god, my spelling. gah. havient eaten for 2 days so blaming that.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 19:12:36

Sorry you've got the bug watch ... smile

Well it's a bit of both. The first time we met, we finished each others sentences. There was always one of those things where we're both a bit odd, he's aspergic and depressed, I'm naturally introverted but have learned to compensate. We just seemed to fit. Guess not.

I do miss that someone cares, but he obviously didn't. So I continue to shoulder everything myself. Hey ho.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 19:19:29

i dont think you are a bit odd. I dont think anyone here thinks you are a bit odd.
i think maybe you feel odd... but you arent, you are spectacular.
i feel like i dont fit in a lot, truth is i dont, not in a shy way but just i AM different to most people, i think in a different way. But ive accepted it. but i do understand how its easy to relate and find common ground with somone else who also doesnt fit.
BUT - lots of that was because it suited him.

that sounds so horrible.
im sorry
i hate to see you sad or beating yourself up about this, when its not you.

Its a heavy road shouldering everything yourself, sometimes it gets a bit much for all of us. You dont have to be infaliable.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 19:40:39

It did suit him, but I got drawn in by the good bits. I got drawn in by him crying when i told him that I had to drive myself to the hospital (25 miles) sitting on a towel when my waters broke with DS2 because XP was too drunk to drive. I got drawn in by measuring our hands against each other sitting on 'our' sofa in 'our' local. I just got drawn in, because I'm tall and strong and not at all girlsy, I'm (sorry) smarter than most folk, I don't do generics. And I thought. I thought that someone got that.

And now I'm back to trawling ageing potatoes on OKC. <sigh> I think I give up. I think it's beaten me. Resigned to books and cats, which isn't so bad.

<sorry, I know I'm whiny tonight>

MacAndCheese Sun 25-Nov-12 19:50:09

You're allowed to "whine" Snape


bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 19:51:44

Yeah I'm just grinning now. Update shortly

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 19:52:22

Hi snape, watch, milk - been off feeling sorry for myself but it seems this is the place to be after all. Hugs all round. Snape I know it feels shit but watch is right, this is all part of the healing process. If you walk away from something like that without feeling a bit shit then there is something wrong with you. So it is shit, but it's not a mess. It was a mess before because you were stuck. Now you are moving forward and this is just part of it.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 19:53:22

Oh yes wine done that, but job applications to pop In tomorrow, so no more..

bant. Come on! Details!!

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 19:54:29

Thank you yoga.


KirstyWirsty Sun 25-Nov-12 19:54:53

snape don't beat yourself up

milk hmmm ...

bant glad it's going well

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 19:57:21

Does "whine" go with fish?

MacAndCheese Sun 25-Nov-12 19:58:41

A nice white one is very nice ;)

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 19:58:46

Bant come on, we are all sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves - please provide some light relief!

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 20:01:10

Snape good luck with the new job app. Would it be selfish to ask that all the woo temporarily go to helping folks sort out job & money worries for a while?

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 20:03:54

The woo goes where it feels it needs to go.... smile

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 20:04:23

i know snape.
but you know, if he cared he would be here now. and hes not.

he took what he needed and then ran when he found out he couldnt keep doing that.

You know, giving up for a short while is allowed. its not defeat.
Aging potatoes dont boost self esteem, aging potatoes dont make you feel great. Hens teeth, ginger mullets and scaffolders are not worthy and we all deserve better.

Take a break. cats/ books/ dc's/ cake and rum will serve you well. Its xmas, its cold, its time for hunkering down and spending time with those that love you for who you are. Who give back.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 20:04:24

Yes come on Bant let us live our lives though you tonight.

Well man boy just text to ask how I'm feeling and to thank me for a lovely time. So perhaps not THAT much of a fuck muppet/arse badger/twat face. We shall wait and see...

hatesponge Sun 25-Nov-12 20:06:22

watch hope you feel better soon, those bugs are not nice.

snape it is shit. I'm sorry. But as yoga says, it is part of the process, it will get better, I do believe that.

And honestly I get the stuff about not fitting in, I don't, never have, different reasons but same result. Only one man has ever got me, or known how to deal with me, and loved me just as I was. I have a tiny flicker hope that one day I might find that again with someone else, however unlikely it seems most of the time!

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 20:11:02

Yes, I get that. If he gave a flying fuck. He'd do something about this. But he doesn't. So he won't.

Arguably, best to find out and not get further embroiled by things.

On the vaguely plus side, just messaged stunning man on OKC who is the spit of tim minchin and I would gladly show him the time of his life, ruin him for all other women & then walk away. or elope?

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 20:13:26

Hi sponge <waves>

snape ah, the woo goes where the woo needs to go. Got it. smile

milk glad he's been in touch. I know you say you weren't embarrassed but he may well have been embarrassed about not being able to cum last night. Hopefully he will get the fuck over it.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 20:13:51

yoga - any news on your job front?
happy to send good thoughts you way too.
and if i can be selfiosh and ask for some my way. packing sucks. moving 10 days before xmas sucks

sponge - and snap with me too.

As a side ive vagely agreed to hang out with ywk for some photography lessons in the new year once im sorted. just on the basis that, gah. i dont know. on the basis of history, shared stuff, old times.

oh and on a unrelated note, i have lost weight!!!
this is something of a miracle.
I cant lose weight, last year i calorie counted for 5 months, logging on my fitness pal, exercising, eating 1000cals - 12000 a day, and lost a measley 10lbs.

ive been doing dukan about 80% of the time and have lost 8lbs in 2.5 weeks.

something of a revelation!!

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 20:14:24

Okay. Firstly sorry I realised my grinning comment in the middle of a bit of a downer moment on the thread looked inappropriate, but I didn't have the chance to read through when I was just going to the loo.

When I turned up she looked a bit like her pictures, it's kind of tough to judge wowness while making introductions, but definitely nice looking. She's quite different from what I was expecting, strangely when she drinks she gets posher. I like posh. We talked for 3 hours, a few drinks each and she's funny, we made each other laugh, took the piss out of each other a little bit, she slapped me on the arm at one point then kissed me to make up for it. I said I wouldn't ask her out again during the first date in case of the awkwardness when she said no and she said well I'm going to say yes, let's do it again, so a bit more kissing, then taxis home (separately)

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 20:15:43

oops, added extra ooo's there.
1000 to 1200.
if i was eating 12000 i can understand why no weight came off!

MacAndCheese Sun 25-Nov-12 20:15:53

Ooh yay for bantam!!

48howdidthathappen Sun 25-Nov-12 20:16:39

snape thats how it was with my lovely RL guy who has gone to OZ.
We both felt from the moment we met as if we has known each other all our lives. I loved being with him. Told him stuff I never told anyone and he never made me feel bad about it. My soul mate, which before meeting him I thought was a load of tosh.

I know if I had asked him to stay he would of, but he is younger than me, no kids yet.

I cared enough to let him go sad

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 20:20:07

Right now I'm home and not trying to read the thread while on a date (which kind of ruins the point of the date really)

Milk not to be too defensive on man-boy but to be honest, when men finish, half of our brain shuts down, we want to sleep, and that's pretty much all. Cuddling is normally the most we can manage. Any perceived change might not be what you worry that it is, give him time to follow up and judge him on what he does next, not on whether things felt strange at that moment. Yes he may be a dick but it's a very vulnerable moment for us, strangely, letting our guard down like that.

snapespeare Sun 25-Nov-12 20:21:21

bant. Ooooooooh! Yay! smile

watch. Dukan, brill. I'm back on it for first two weeks of December I think, pre Xmas hunkering down...I anticipated fuck-ton of cheese. smile

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 20:24:48

Watch well done on the weight loss, that's great! And the house stuff is stressful but it will be sorted soon and then all will be well. smile

Bantam Sounds great! Obviously not too many LOLs then. So why is she the Artist?

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 25-Nov-12 20:28:18

cheese soothes all wounds. or just covers them in a protective layer of fat smile

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 20:31:34

yoga because she's an artist? Well, lecturer with a gallery

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 20:38:26

All right, no need for sarcasm. wink Couldn't remember if you said what she did.

I prefer chocolate to cheese, although cheese does go better with wine.

Scattylatte Sun 25-Nov-12 20:46:27

Hi to everyone who is feeling less than chipper today.
snape, I hope the feelings.start to ebb soon. I know that feeling of emptiness, traum and depression and its horrible.

watch. hope you.feel better soon.

bant. glad your date.was.good..

No dating for me today. spent a load on lqmpshades I can.ill afford

hatesponge Sun 25-Nov-12 20:47:18

cheese soothes all wounds. or just covers them in a protective layer of fat


substitute chocolate/crisps for cheese and there's the story of my overweight life!

bantam sounds like it went well smile

So, you get a reply to a text which says that it's lovely to hear from you, that's not just being polite is it? Or is it?!

hatesponge Sun 25-Nov-12 20:48:03

sorry that should say 'If you get a reply'...

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 25-Nov-12 20:59:09

Watch Well done on the weight loss!

Bant Glad the date went well. Sounds like you could be on to something here. Thank you for your male perspective on my man boy situation. I think perhaps as a ahem older woman of the world I am pretty blasé about sexy times. I forget that for some people it's a big deal. Especially a 21 year old. Although having said that I don't think he was exactly a virgin before I got my grubby paws on him.wink

MyLittleFireBird Sun 25-Nov-12 21:15:38

Lots of sympathy snape I know how you feel and it's just so shitty sad
bantam That sounds like a really good date smile

I had my date with Mr Going Away last night and it was a bit of a disaster. He was nice and we got on really well, but I didn't fancy him. I really wanted to, and through the evening there were moments I found him attractive and I hoped some kind of spark would kick in. We were still enjoying chatting when the pub closed so I invited him here but made it quite clear nothing was going to happen. We stayed up chatting and it was fine and that was pretty cool, but there was also a lot of pressure in a 'But I'm not pressuring you, see how understanding I am' way and he tried to kiss me and it was just awful sad I very recently ended a relationship with someone of about 18 months on/off due to it just being impossible to make work (long distance) and it's crap because we still love each other, and I'm so desperate to move on and get some fun back in my life and find a companion who's actually around. I think kissing this guy, all 10 seconds in which I was utterly frozen, felt so totally wrong because it wasn't ex but I just didn't really fancy him like that regardless sigh

Mr Shy asked me for coffee and when I said yes suggested we actually make it drinks, so that's on Wednesday. We haven't spoken a lot, but there's something I really like about what little I know. Think I am going to cancel on the other two I'm vaguely chatting to, or those will just be disasters too. I can tell.

MyLittleMiracles Sun 25-Nov-12 21:37:21

Still going steady with trusty old eeyore!!! And quite enjoying being single and lonely in a long relationship with fun and freedom tries looking on the bright side sorely missing a good friend cos i NEED a decent cuddle and they know exactly how to hug me! but i get to see them tuesday and we text most days, which is great! Decided dont needa man my life is too complicated at the moment and will be for a long time to come!!!

However a couple of good nights out would be nice!!! <NOT dates though*

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 22:09:21

sponge - it's difficult to tell without the context. If it's a reply from Tesco customer service, it's probably just being polite. If it's from someone you dated, it depends on the circumstances..

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 22:17:14

sponge is that from LC?

I've just been watching American Beauty. Very dark. It suits my mood.

hatesponge Sun 25-Nov-12 22:24:36

Yoga it is indeed smile

Bantam context...well, I've not contacted him for about a week after our last exchange of texts, but thought I'd send a quick one today, nothing heavy, just hope he was ok, bit of stuff about my weekend, etc.

bantamrooster Sun 25-Nov-12 22:29:18

was that all it said? 'lovely to hear from you' is somewhat neutral when it's someone you've had several dates with.

hatesponge Sun 25-Nov-12 22:34:00

Sorry, no, it said some other stuff as well in response to my text, that was just the start of it. I was just quite smile as I can't remember the last time anyone said it was lovely to hear from me am clearly just easily pleased

Yogagirl17 Sun 25-Nov-12 22:40:50

sponge Well then I would believe that he was pleased to hear from you. He could have ignored you or just sent a polite reply and he didn't do either. But I don't know that I would take that as an indication that he's necessarily in place to want to do more than chat. It's nice that he doesn't appear to be a complete tool but I would be wary of investing too much or waiting for him to want more.

hatesponge Sun 25-Nov-12 23:05:10

Yoga you're right, I don't think he is ready yet, but the tone of his texts (as much as it is possible to tell from a few lines of writing) seems a little brighter than over the last couple of weeks. We'll see what happens...

mercury7 Sun 25-Nov-12 23:07:59

I think 'lovely to hear from you' is very good, and genuine, I'd be pleased if someone said it to me, and it's the sort of thing I'd say if I really meant itsmile

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 08:29:10

Help! I've heard nothing from my half Italian since a brief text after I saw him on Saturday saying he was going to pick up his mum. Is it a case of wham bam thank you mam? I've sent him a couple of friendly texts and emails. Nothing back. He normally mails me in the morning as he starts work at home . Not this morning.

I shouldn't panic yet should I? It was only Saturday afternoon that he texted. He normally is quite a regular emailer though. That paranoia again.

lubeybooby Mon 26-Nov-12 09:17:08

Poppy I dunno... that would piss me off. I've thought his reasons for stalling with meeting etc due to potential probs with childcare etc genuine enough, but it's not really on to completely ignore friendly texts.

Poppy - I'm with lubey. The 'joy' of text is that you can send someone a "look, sorry, flat out at the moment, will be in touch soon as, hope you're OK" in at most 30 seconds. Sometimes it's not always possible if you're at work or if some really serious stuff is going down to reply for a couple of hours, possibly all day even, or if you're out and about. But if I sent someone a text on a Sunday morning and I hadn't heard from them this morning, I'd not panic, but I'd be a bit pissed off.

OhWesternWind Mon 26-Nov-12 10:07:16

Feeling low, low, low today. Just seems too much like hard work in all directions at the moment.

LM texted yesterday to say he'd had to go back to the hospital as he'd got an infection. So I phoned to see if he was ok, was all a bit stilted. He is up and doing, had had one of his dc over for the weekend, got the other two over tonight so not at deaths door or anything. So I asked him what were his plans for the rest of the week as it would be good to meet up - awkward silence, then some talk about not knowing when he'll have his dcs, left it with no plans to meet or anything. I hate this. Don't want to be chasing him and would rather we just called it off if that's how he feels but he hasn't, asked if he was ok and he was saying he didn't feel good but nothing else was wrong. Help!!!

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Mon 26-Nov-12 10:59:21

oww I'm sorry he is upsetting you like this. I know it's really hard but I honestly wouldn't text or call him again. Even if you have to tie your hands together to stop yourself. Why should you have to be the one chasing, asking to see him etc? If a man want't to see you he will ask, if he doesn't then that's his own stupid fault for being an idiot who doesn't know what's good for him.

The same goes for your guy poppy I agree with lubey and unreason It's time to stop feeling in a panic and more to start feeling royally pissed off at his total lack of regard for you. There is NO excuse for not answering texts. Not unless you are actually in a coma or dead. Please don't text or email him again. We should all make a pact today that when it comes to men we send one text or email only and then silence until they get back to us. Even if they never do then at least we've kept our dignity.

Urgh, who the fuck do these men think they are? Very angry for you both today.

OhWesternWind Mon 26-Nov-12 11:13:41

Thanks Milk - yes, had decided I'm not going to contact him but I am really feeling low about this. Up to him going in hospital things all seemed like they were going so well and now a total change. I just don't understand what has suddenly gone wrong.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Mon 26-Nov-12 11:18:27

I know it feels utterly shitty OWW We've all been there and bugger all anybody says can make you feel better. Whatever is the matter could well be nothing to do with you. Try not to drive yourself mad thinking about it, as hard as that is. There's a strong chance he will get in touch once he realises you aren't bothering with him. Utterly bloody juvenile of course but that seems to be the way it goes a lot of the time.

Why men can't be just honest with us I will never know. Why do they think the cold shoulder is somehow easier that the (possibly cold) truth? So bloody infuriating.

JoylessFucker Mon 26-Nov-12 11:41:06

OWW I'm going to suggest looking at it from a very different perspective. If I've read this right, LM has had surgery and is awaiting the results. He may have cancer, it may be terminal (or not), it may require a delibitating treatment schedule (or not), he may be lucky and the operation is all he required (or not). What I'm trying to say is that whilst you have all that type of shit running around your head, dating ... seems wrong. You have no idea whether you have anything to offer that other person, whether you even have a future to share with them.

You really need to allow him to get his results, to know what he has to deal with before you can decide if a) you are in it for the long haul or b) its all too much. If its a), you can then be firmly re-assuring of your feelings and commitment, if its b), you'll be grateful he's been smart enough not to make assumptions.

Really & truly, this is not about you. He has some potentially serious shit going on here. Don't push it, unless you are 100% confident you are in it for the long haul even if it results in the worst of outcomes. Express your concern & affection, check when he will be seeing his consultant for follow-up/results, but make no demands on him.

BTW, I say this from the perspective of someone who has been where LM is now ... and I'm also sending un-MN hugs to you, its a tough time, but don't expect him to be thinking normally or clearly in the circumstances. The man I'd started seeing shortly before my diagnosis was resolute that he was in it for the long haul so when the relationship ended after my treatment, I fell apart in a big way. LM has to bear that possibility in mind on top of everything else ... its a really hard time for him (and not easy for you).

lubeybooby Mon 26-Nov-12 11:55:58

OWW he really isn't going to be up to meeting up hon. Not this week, with infection and everything else he's been through. I'm not surprised you got stilted convo and silence etc - he probably doesn't want to upset you by stating factually just how ill he is and how dreadful he must be feeling and doesn't want to risk sounding pissed off or snapping at you.

Poppy further to the text thing - if you hadn't text him and just hadn't heard from him then that would be fine, it's the ignoring texts bit that's really annoying. I agree with the others it's a complete lack of regard.

OhWesternWind Mon 26-Nov-12 12:00:08

Joyless - thank you and so sorry to hear you have been there too. Hope things are looking up for you. Yes, you've got it pretty much straight although I think/hope that following on from the operation it's not terminal as things seemed to go very well during the op and I don't think it has spread. I am not quite clear though as some of it's a bit confused/confusing and I don't want to push him about it especially when we're not face-to-face. But he was sounding quite positive about how it went.

I was really hoping I guess that I could be a help to him and support him through this, practically or emotionally or whatever, working on the assumption that that's what I'd want if the shoe were on the other foot. But, yes, you're right, he is probably feeling and thinking all those shit things at the moment and of course he wants his dc round him, most important thing and I've no trouble with that at all.

I'm sorry, it sounds like I have no empathy for him at all whittling on all the time about how he's communicating/not communicating. That's not the case at all but I guess this coming on top of all the trouble with the ex is bringing out the worst in me self-confidence wise. I haven't said any of this to him at all, just tried to keep in touch and be supportive however I can. I will take on board what you've said, JF and thanks for being so honest with me.

He has also texted to say sorry for being vague yesterday, bad mix of medication. So I think I really need to just have a bit of faith.

Sorry for being on here all the time at the moment whittling. I feel so stupid and obsessed with nonsense. I am just knocked for six anyway by all the other stuff going on and not able to deal with stuff I'd normally take in my stride.

JoylessFucker Mon 26-Nov-12 12:16:52

OWW you don't sound like that at all. You sound like you're having a really rubbish time and - quite frankly - could do with a lovely man to give you a hug and listen to your woes, instead of which you are having to make do with us.

I just thought it might help if I wrote about the mental aspects of this, as the focus had been mostly around his physical recovery. I can't tell you what a bloody nightmare I was then ... luckily I had a good friend who took the piss out of me quite regularly, thereby keeping my feet on the ground. I did shove the man away a lot though ... whilst wanting very much to lean on him and be made to feel safe.

Just keep yourself focused on your own challenges and don't worry about him. Remember that "this too shall pass". You will get there - lean on us here, on people in RL and the time will come when you'll look back and think 'that was crap, but I got through it' ... because you will.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 26-Nov-12 12:25:48

OWW - second what joyless has just said. Hes got major stuff going on right now. That will be his priority, and rightly so. Hes not an arse. Hes a man in the middle of a trauma and he doesnt know whats going to happen.
I think you need to take a step back here. Send him the occassional text every few days to let him know you are thinking of him and wishing him well. but leave it at that. I cant imagine for one second that dating is on his radar right now. Thats not a reflection of you or anything having gone wrong. But just of an unfortunate situation that needs to be dealt with.

OhWesternWind Mon 26-Nov-12 12:35:17

Thanks JF and Watch - you're right. I'd thought we were a little bit beyond just dating by now, had hoped I could be helpful/supportive to him whilst all this is going on so maybe I'm feeling a bit pushed aside. Wasn't thinking of seeing him in terms being wined and dined, rather me going over to see how he is, having a bit of a chat, but I understand where he's coming from. Will exercise patience and understanding.

I am so grateful for the support from everyone on here, you don't know what a difference it can make sometimes.

Bugger, I wrote a long reply to you Western saying listen to JoylessFucker. She is wise. He is going through hell right now, this also means he will want to see his DC at every opportunity - as their Dad he will be terrified for them growing up without him. Think about this, it is huge.

Poppy he is treating you like an option. He doesn't act like he cares, doesn't answer texts yet calls you at 9.30 pm and you go over to him? Cooking and wine is not a substitute for caring and consideration. No more texts, he doesn't deserve your body, heart or mind.

JoylessFucker Mon 26-Nov-12 12:53:07

OWW you almost certainly are 'a little bit beyond just dating by now' which is why I said please don't expect him to be thinking clearly or normally. He feels he's too much, that his shit is too much to put upon you. Sadly, he really has absolutely no idea how much you are wanting to be there to allow him to lean on you. He will let you in, just give him time.

Till then, look after yourself. If you would find a chat informative, drop me a PM, I'd be happy to call.

Scattylatte Mon 26-Nov-12 13:13:34

Poppy. that man sounds like hard work. and its you always waiting for him. I think he has revealed himself to you.

OWW. Tough times. Waiting for results is horrendous. I was in that position with a new relationship. To be honest I ddint want to speak to anyone as my life had shrunk to existing from hour to hour. just even communicating on the most basic level was impossible. You feel like you are sinking. just get busy Oww. he will appreciate that you are there for him even if he is doing nothing about it.
when he gets his results then review this situation. its a shit time.

JoylessFucker Mon 26-Nov-12 13:54:03

You've described it more fluently than I Scatty. I hope you're well on the way to full recovery too ...

Poppy I agree with others about the Half-Italian Stallion. He doesn't sound properly available, whether reason be that practical, lack of organisation, emotional, mental, whatever ...

If you want to stay with it, it sounds like you need to prepare yourself for a constant & real roller-coaster of emotions. Maybe stop & think about how attractive he appears with your life being like this day-in and day-out, week upon week, month upon month, maybe even year upon year. Not nice to do, but it may save you future mental/emotional agony.

Sorry if I was abrupt in previous post, in summarising it does come over rather harsh to both Western and Poppy, it wasn't meant to be blush

lubeybooby Mon 26-Nov-12 14:06:52

OWW no you're not coming across an unempathetic or anything like that, and yes you're definitely a bit beyond dating - if you want to help and support him - tell him so... offer to go round and just kiss his forehead and do the washing up or something... but I wouldn't expect a reply or a yes to that, I would offer though rather than asking to meet up, if that makes sense.

Scattylatte Mon 26-Nov-12 14:10:26

Juliete. I don't think you were harsh. the same principles apply as always. don't put up with rubbish.

I'm 100% well thanks. I had all my treatment 7 years ago and not a single problem since, I'm an example of cancer treatment being very successful.

no dating news from me. Talking to a couple. still tthink about ex too much.

OhWesternWind Mon 26-Nov-12 15:47:53

Thank you all, every one of you. Am going to take a couple of steps back for the meantime, plenty of other stuff to concentrate on at home, catching up with some sleep, decorating etc. I hope he knows I'm there for him, though, and will keep up the contact but without a lot of expectations for the time being.

Twatto ex still hasn't signed the contracts for the house sale. Major, major stress.

I always find Christmas a really difficult time and miss the big family Christmasses we used to have. It always seems a bit sparse, me and the dcs and possibly my mum rattling about . . . So many things have happened at Christmas and new year recently that I feel a bit jinxed about it - the run down of the last five years has been year 1 ex stole money and tried to commit suicide, year 2 I found him out in an affair, year 3 he totalled my car which he had "borrowed", year 4 we split up. Then I had a quiet but very sad Christmas last year so I'm not really looking forward to this one. I miss having a relationship at Christmas time more than anything - and I'm not sure how things will be with LM in a month or so. We can only see.

Scattylatte Mon 26-Nov-12 16:14:58

OWW wow that is a run of xmas time crap!! No wonder this time of year is not so good for you. I think, man aside, you could really look after yourself. Do nice things, eat your favourite food, be lazy if you want to be. You are having a lot of stress and that will eat away at you.

Any dates this week? Bantam have you had a follow through with the Artist?

Watch: How is the work based crush going?

Sponge: How are you? Any more texts?

Snape: did you communicate with OKC man?

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 16:23:57

I do think (hope!!) it's his family commitments and lack of organisation that means he's not available. If I felt more secure I don't think it would be so much of an issue. The problem is I am insecure and uncertain. Joyless you are right, this is probably what it's going to be like, certainly for a while.

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 16:25:00

scatty - yep, we ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours or so after we'd got back from the date. We're on for a second date on Wednesday, she even suggested she'd cook for me.. smile

I'm still hunting for a job in my spare time, and have the DC half the time so things are fairly busy.

I am slightly worried that the Artist is 41 and childless, and if she does want children is going to want them sooner rather than later - I really don't want to start rushing into parenthood all over again without getting to know someone extremely well first but..too early to assume stuff I guess.

OhWesternWind Mon 26-Nov-12 16:29:36

Scatty - you're right, too much stress at the moment but a lot of it's short (ish) term, fingers crossed.

Poppy - I can sympathise with you so, so much, being a worrier and over-analyser of the first order at the moment. I'm not usually like this (or didn't used to be) so I'm hoping I will be able to calm it down when life is less stressful and I feel a bit more secure (if we get to that stage . . .)

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 17:14:01

I feel anything but calm. I am so wound up by it - so tense. I had one brief text at around 9:20 this morning when I texted him asking if everything was OK as I hadn't hear from him. He just said 'Busy. Will email later' , he does send these more terse messages sometimes, but then I've heard nothing from him since. I suppose I've just got to take him at his word and wait......

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 17:42:15

Poppy - there's always a power balance in any relationship. I think the healthiest ones don't have too wide a difference at any one time, and it fluctuates - sometimes one partner is more dependent, other times they're more in control.

It seems like he's been calling the shots since day one, and you're always waiting, hoping, worrying that he'll try and find some time for you. If that's so, and you want the relationship to have any kind of future, you're going to have to not be his doormat. Don't just wait around for him to call, try and put him out of your mind, do something else. I hate the 'game' that couples fall into in the early stages to try and get the advantage, but maybe he's playing it - unconsciously maybe - by being so terse and uncommunicative and making you always wait on him. I don't know if there's any way to strike a balance here without game playing back and letting him know you're too good to be walked over like this.

Sorry if this is harsh, you just seem like a nice person who's not being treated nicely.

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 17:54:43

I agree with bant poppy .. If he knows you are always there on call then why bother .. You'll be there when he feels like it.. Go and do something for yourself and leave the phone elsewhere for a few hours

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Mon 26-Nov-12 18:07:10

Poppy I'm with Bant & Kirsty on this one. He has all the power here and he knows it! Put your phone away & go and do something else.

I've said it already but I will say it again. It only needs ONE text, email, carrier pigeon message, whatever...until that is responded to you do NOT get in touch with them again. If he isn't making the time for you then don't make the time for him! Think about how he is making you feel. Tense, nervous and insecure. You shouldn't be feeling like this at the start of a relationship & anybody who would carelessly allow you to feel this way simply isn't good enough.

I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just you sound like such a lovely person and this man is treating you in a far from ideal manner. You deserve much better, but you won't get it while you're allowing Mr I'm just so busy & special take up so much of your precious time.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Mon 26-Nov-12 18:09:41

Oh and Bant a second date lined up already? Nice one.grin

I think it's a little early to leap to conclusions about the Artist just yet though. She may not even want children, not every woman does. I'm 33 and childless. If I'm still childless in 8 years I will probably have given the whole idea up as a bad one anyway.wink

NicholasTeakozy Mon 26-Nov-12 18:16:46

I agree with Bantam and Kirsty, you're there when he wants an ego boost/shag. If you're happy to do that then fair enough, but he should at least be honest about it.

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 19:16:31

I haven't heard from TheAuditor at all today .. I am not texting him .. If he wants to get in touch that is fine and if he doesn't that it fine too.. We've got a date organised for Thuraday .. I am sure he is pretty keen

He has invited me to go to his for dinner for the last two dates but I have suggested eating out instead .. As I am currently staying with my mum I'd have to tell her that I am going to be dessert (that's what going for dinner means right??) plus I feel as though I hardly know him and it just wouldn't feel quite right hmm

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 19:19:08

Still nothing from him OMG I can't stand this

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 19:22:26

Poppy step away from the phone!!!!

48howdidthathappen Mon 26-Nov-12 19:32:02

poppy echo everyone else.

Take back control. You can do it smile

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 19:32:03

Poppy. Turn the phone off. Accept he's probably not going to phone tonight, or email. If he does, and you're not available, it will make him keener next time. You jumping to answer when he does is just going to make him even less keen to get in touch next time.

Kirsty - I'm trying to work out the dinner/Coffee/dessert relationship at the moment. I've arranged a second date for Wednesday, drinks in her village, and then Sunday night she wants to cook for me at hers...

Which would be dinner on a third date.

I haven't done the dating thing in such a long time I don't know if they changed it..

48howdidthathappen Mon 26-Nov-12 19:38:41

Bantam I haven't done the dating thing in over 25 years.

I have dessert if I fancy it grin somethings never change. Well for me.

snapespeare Mon 26-Nov-12 19:42:25

poppy [wetfish] go and have a bath or a shower or a wank or something that will take at least half an hour and leave your phone far, far away. I agree with bant and Kirsty.

bant 2nd date?! Yay!

scatty. Yes, no response, ahh well. But someone pretty interesting gave me stars on OKC, I found this out when I gave him stars, so I've sent him a message. smile

Text from the prof today, he'd noticed I'd had a nosey at his OKC. Been nice having a conversation, he's good. The gf is on/off apparently. This is fine.

New Message on my fb. My heart leaps as I click, which is daft as voldemort is clearly nowhere near who I thought he was, I just don't like having anything end badly, without resolution and want us both to be at peace. Was bloke I went out with briefly when I was 17, who moved away, saying I hadn't changed a bit (oh, I have...)

And finally, heard at work today that I'd lost my grievance against decision to stop paying my rent, so I'll need to appeal. Slapped in two applications today for jobs that would pay the rent and I'd have cash over (between a £14-£19k hike) so I'm hopeful. Hope is important.

Feel a bit teary tho. It's a lot to cope with. DS1 still not back at school. It's an increasing effort to get up in the mornings, although I'm a ball-breaking feminazi, oh! To have someone look after me... Just for a bit.

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 19:46:38

Poppy, I agree with everyone else. It seems that at best he's very disorganised and not thinking about you. But I understand where you're coming from - it's easy to give advice to someone else, but I'd probably feel the same in your position. I hate not hearing from someone and not knowing what's going on in their head and why they haven't contacted me. But having said that, I still agree that you should step away from the phone/computer and try to be less available to him. This isn't making you happy at the moment, is it?

OWW, it's such a terribly hard time for you. Having recently been through a house move, that alone was enough to make me stressed out, let alone everything else you're having to deal with. I agree with all the advice you've been given by the others, who have put it much better than I could.

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 19:52:14

Snape, it seems so many of us are having tough times at the moment. And it's never just one thing at a time - we seem to be hit from all sides. So sorry to hear about the grievance, and good luck with the appeal. Good luck too with the job applications. Everyone on here can see how great you are, so let's hope whoever receives the applications can too...

Does it look as if DS1 might return to school soon? How is he?

And lastly ... I'm a feminist, and used to doing everything myself. But I totally get you - just occasionally, when things are really tough, it would be nice to have someone to look after and support me.

hatesponge Mon 26-Nov-12 19:54:46

Snape -I'd love to have someone to look after me, I don't have anyone to help me in any way. I get so envious of friends who have siblings, partners, parents, whilst I have no-one. And I don't have half as much stuff on my plate as you do.

Great first day in new job. Everyone loves me blush and am away with the team overnight on weds just have to sort out the small matter of who will have the dc. And LC text me first thing to wish me lots of luck smile

snapespeare Mon 26-Nov-12 20:02:32

Yay sponge! Glad it went well, I totally forgot you were starting today (what with one thing and another...).

libby at the moment school have agreed he goes in at morning break and sits in student support to do his work and will acclimatise to mainstay lessons as he sees for, starting with his favourites. Over the weekend he promised three days this week, including Monday, but he didn't sleep last night, I knew it wasn't going to happen when he brought me coffee at half six this morning. So I think we're going for two days this week, three next week etc.

Bantam I think you have underestimated Dinner. Dinner may well be followed by Coffee . Regardless its the third date, get your best pants on wink

Snape half an hour for a wank? I'm impressed.

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 20:06:05

Bant this will be our 4th date .. I'm not sure of the expectations either .. And he doesnt stay that close to jump in a taxi if i decide to leave (£35 taxi) He's been fine when I've said no though ..

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 26-Nov-12 20:11:19

snape. crap crap crap. I was talking about this with someone friday. how it always seems to be everything going wrong at once. and badly wrong at that. and im convinced its something to do with it all falling down to one person. so something big is usually shared, people get through it together, it being tough , but they do it. with us lot, something happens, there is noone to help or share it and the consquences are far reaching and it takes ages and ages to recover from.
sorry about it all, nothing i can say to make it better.

sponge - glad it went well. any nice eye candy?

poppy - as the others have said.

so - guess what? landlord no longer wants to evict me, something has come up and they want me to stay another 6 months or so. Ive said no. They arent sure about the thing thats come up and its subject to change, so could all change in a day, leaving me with a new eviction note. Plus im half packed. plus ive spent money on all the checks for the new house. PLUS they havent dont any maintance for 4 years and all the work they promised to do was so bad in JUNE, that the house wasnt rentable then. So, ill move out, the house is a state, they cant rent it as it is... and wont be able to rent it for such a short let anyway. Essentially i believe this to be karma. i dont believe in karma, but maybe..... just maybe

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 20:23:51

Watch, can't believe the cheek of your landlord, evicting you just before Christmas, putting you through all that stress and then changing their mind and expecting you to stay. Glad you said no. Defintely sounds like karma to me...

Sponge, so glad your first day went so well. And it was really sweet of LC to text.

Snape, hope DS1 manages his two days this week. The situation must be so difficult for both him and you.

Bantam I see you didn't underestimate Dinner at all, a bit slow here Chez Julliette this evening blush

Kirsty unless you think Coffee is expected, would you feel comfortable staying over at his although I've many a past relationship that started because it was cheaper than a cab home

watch it is so good to know that after all that hassle, you are moving on to your lovely new house.

Yogagirl17 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:36:51

Evening all. Can I join in the crap-fest? It's just all crap here, I can't even be bothered to go into all the details. It's just all very, very...crappy.

Snape I'm sorry. No advice. Just empathy.

Sponge Yay for new job and nice text from LC smile

Bantam Dinner at hers on the 3rd date could well lead to Dessert (and by dessert I clearly mean Coffee). How are you feeling about that sweet trolley? wink

Kirsty Well, having just said that dinner could well lead to Dessert, it doesn't have to if you don't want it to. I love getting to see the other person's home and watch them cook for me - it has a completely different feel from being out. You could go to his for dinner but make it clear beforehand that you still want to take things slow?

Pixiebelle123 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:44:27

Good evening all, I'm sorry I disappeared for a few days but I've been feeling a bit low and needed a bit of a break from the online dating world. This is a crappy time of year to be miserable and single, everywhere I look I seem to spot sickeningly happy couples. To make matters even worse, I have a 'couples Christmas dinner and disco' to go to this Sat with the yummy mummy brigade from school where I will be the only singleton. My survival plan for the night is to look smoking hot and get extremely drunk.

Sponge yay for a successful first day at work and another yay for LC's text!

Snape have a virtual hug from me.

Watch 3 cheers for karma! I hope it takes your ex landlord ages to find another good tenant!

I'm going on a date with the dishy doc on Friday eve. I know he's not looking for anything serious so hopefully if I can keep this in mind I'll just be able to enjoy a nice evening with a seriously gorgeous man. I just found it impossible to refuse a date with a man I find so attractive <shakes head at self for being so shallow>

snapespeare Mon 26-Nov-12 20:59:19

Oh. I just got a text from the prof that made me cry. ' I only ever think of you with enormous affection, a dose of admiration and a pinch of wistfulness.'

We're arranging dinner. He has a girlfriend now. I think that fact alone allows him to take me back to the ivy. & pay for it and for me to wear the lowest cut top I own would not do owt, but lines of demarcation and regret have to be drawn

snapespeare Mon 26-Nov-12 21:01:13

juliette half an hour. Twelve times, minimum. I don't get that much time to myself, I have to hot-house. wink

snapespeare Mon 26-Nov-12 21:16:54

Update. Dinner Thursday. Have promised to wear a polo neck.

Seriously not going to happen.

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 21:35:45

juliette and yoga not sure if Coffee or Dessert have been expected tbh

He didn't attempt to snog me at all on the first date and after he kissed me on the 2nd date (at the very end) and I said that I thought he was never going to kiss me he said something about gentlemen not just diving in for a kiss .. However he has sent a couple of flirty/saucy texts which makes me think Coffee is definitely on the cards

On Thursday we were supposed to be going to body attack and then dinner but I'd forgotten I am going to cinema with pals to see twilight early so i am just meeting him for dinner after that .. Body attack next week has been arranged though!!! smile

MacAndCheese Mon 26-Nov-12 21:37:45

Ooh Kirsty yay!

And Snape! smile

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 21:38:32

I can't do this dating stuff. I really can't. How can someone go from being so keen to just not bothering to contact me unless he really doesn't give a shit and now that we've slept together he's off

Scattylatte Mon 26-Nov-12 21:49:00

snape that was a lovely prof text. I can see why he sent it. I feel somewhat like that myself and I've never met you! I really hope things get better soon, especially with your Ds. dinner will at least be a tiny bit of distraction.

watch karma rules ok. Sounds like you'll love your new house.

poppy it's hard not to fret. The only way I find it works is if I don't really fancy the man or if I have 3 or 4 on the go. But that's hard to get off the ground. Finding a good FWB is one of the hardest things. However keep away from that phone. Let it run out of power.

sponge. Great news about your first day.

I might be going out with date from last week on Thursday. He said he would pick me up so I can drink but I'll decline as drinking makes me see everything in a new light and before I know it I'll be on dessert and coffee.

Not heard from body builder after asking me out again at end of date and me saying in 2 weeks.

Very nice fireman who o thought was someone else has been in contact but not sure when we can meet as he lives miles away.

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 22:02:35

poppy maybe he doesn't give a shit and got what he wanted .. You getting in touch by text or email is not going to change his mind .. Lovingfreedom recommended 'why men love bitches' to me.. It is quite an entertaining read but it is full if common sense. Don't put your life on hold for a man is basically the message .. Fit them in around your life not the other way round

snape I somehow think the polo neck isn't going to work .. Soon there will be toes in places where they don't normally go!! wink

KirstyWirsty Mon 26-Nov-12 22:04:50

watch karma indeed .. Great news about the house

sponge glad the job went well today.. Didn't realise you were still in touch with LC .. What's happening there??

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 22:06:20

I've checked. I've sent him four emails or so, around four texts and left him a couple of messages on his phone over the last three days. And heard virtually nothing from him. I've screwed it up haven't I? I've messed it up.

MacAndCheese Mon 26-Nov-12 22:11:48

Poppy you haven't screwed up. It is his issue not yours.

MacAndCheese Mon 26-Nov-12 22:13:58

Please don't overanalyse it. I've been there. I'm there now. Get on with your life, do things that make you happy. He will either a) come to his senses or b) drop off the face of the earth.

If it's the latter then he was a prat anyway and you wouldn't want to be involved with a prat. You're better than that.

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 22:18:34

Oh Poppy, you sound so sad. You haven't screwed it up. We don't know what's going on with him, but whatever it is, it's not something you've done. It sounds like you got on great on Saturday, so how could you have done anything wrong since then?

I know you really like him, but even if he gets in touch, I don't feel he's right for you. It seems like you'll never know where you are with him, always be waiting to see if he can fit you in ... and that's no way to be. You deserve someone who's going to be considerate of your feelings and will put you first. You don't want to be feeling uncertain and paranoid like this.

Pixiebelle123 Mon 26-Nov-12 22:20:58

Poppy you haven't messed things up, he's just being a git. Sadly there are a lot of them around. Online dating is so hard on the emotions, so exciting when you find someone you like and then a kick in the teeth when it all goes wrong. I'm feeling quite disillusioned with it all myself at the moment. You deserve to be treated far better than that.

48howdidthathappen Mon 26-Nov-12 22:24:27

poppythink of when you were 18 and thought you could rule the world....hold that thought. Fuck him.

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 22:26:24

Do you think that he is maybe involved with other women too? It is torturing me. WHY wouldn't he get back in touch? I am just an easy lay? I thought he really liked me. It's doing my head in

hatesponge Mon 26-Nov-12 22:28:41

Poppy, Mac is right. If you don't hear from him it really is his issue, not yours.

I'm sorry. This dating stuff is hard and you have to be incredibly thick skinned sometimes in order to deal with it.

Kirsty re LC honestly, I don't know. I hope I'll see him again, but I've no idea when that will be. His texts definitely seem brighter, but I don't know if I can suggest another date as I'm not sure if he's ready, I kind of feel it has to come from him. In the meantime I have my new job and an overnight trip (and I love staying in hotels!) to keep me busy smile

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 22:31:54

Pixie, I agree. I can only do OD for a short while at a time because I find it so tough emotionally. Like you say, there's that excitement when you find someone you like, but it usually (in my experience) then goes wrong ... you meet up and they don't like you, or they aren't what they seem to be, or they disappear, or whatever. It's also so disheartening when you send messages to people and don't get a reply, and it can be hard to keep your sense of self-esteem.

I think you're really brave going to the couples Christmas dinner, by the way - I'd probably invent an illness and stay at home watching X Factor! Hope you enjoy your date with the dishy doc.

MacAndCheese Mon 26-Nov-12 22:32:10

Poppy whether you're "easy" or not is a non issue. He may have done this regardless of if you'd had sex or not. It's his issue. Ignore it, you're giving him more headspace than he deserves.

48howdidthathappen Mon 26-Nov-12 22:32:47

poppy you do have to be tough for OD or at least pretend to be.

MacAndCheese Mon 26-Nov-12 22:32:57

Yay for sponge and libby!


hatesponge Mon 26-Nov-12 22:36:00

Poppy if he was just after sex (and I'm really not certain that's the case, so it is only an IF), then that was all he was ever after. Whether he'd got it on the first date, or the 10th, nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say would have made the slightest difference. Some men - and women too - are really only looking for a conquest. Once they have it, they move onto the next.

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 22:36:46

Poppy, please don't worry about being "easy". There's no right or wrong time to sleep with someone - well, the right time is when you want to, whether that's the first date or months down the line. If he's really the sort of man who doesn't contact a woman once he's slept with her, then he's an arse and not the kind of man you'd want to be with anyway.

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 22:37:39

Poppy - you've screwed nothing up. What you're doing here is waiting to see how badly he has screwed up. At some point, you have to decide he's screwed up too badly for you to forgive him for his behaviour.

Maybe he can recover this by being incredibly attentive in future, maybe he can't. But you've done nothing wrong.

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 22:46:27

So - I've had no time to look at the sweet trolley.. Was on the phone with the Artist for two hours this evening, 2 hours last night, after meeting her early evening yesterday. Wow she can talk smile

It all seems very intense, she's going into this all guns blazing. I'm her first date from OD - although she's done it before a few years ago.

She's really quite different from girlfriends in the past, but I'm going into it somewhat guardedly but willing to see what happens. She wants to cook for me next week. I've told her I'm going to be unemployed as of next Monday, although with interviews and a bit of savings to get by on, and she was not only unfazed by it, she was saying she has lots of time free in December due to end of term.

Seems weird she's planning not only the third date, but also the next few weeks. I kind of like it, but it seems overly optimistic maybe - or a little naive - or hopeful. Hope is a good thing, I like hope, but after my previous experiences of vanishers, mad africans, Ex-ishoos and stuff, it's kind of very full on very quickly.

So. We'll see how we go.

Alittlestranger Mon 26-Nov-12 22:46:57

Can I ask for some advice?

Sorry, I know I keep barging in without properly introducing myself, but that is because I know a prolific Mumsnet lurker in real life and I don't want to out myself.

But I had a date about 1.5 weeks ago. Wasn't amazing but was good and the first OD date where I've had good conversation and at least an interest in something physical. But then ziltch. We ended the evening and he said he'd like to do it again, I said "hmm, I'll email you", and then didn't. He hasn't been in touch so he can't be mega keen, I didn't make any contact. But I'm now thinking that this was silly and it's worth a second shot. So my question is, has too much time gone past for me to email and say I had fun, a re-run would be nice etc?

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 22:51:37

Bant, she does sound pretty keen and intense. But maybe that's good? Time will tell, I guess.

Sponge, I love hotels too. Is it a posh one? You'll have to report back and tell us about it.

Right, off to bed now as DS is currently waking at 5.30. Take care of yourself, Poppy - and I agree with what Bant says too.

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 22:52:03

stranger - barge in whenever you want smile

1 and a half weeks is quite a long time after a first date, but it's not waaay too long. As long as you have a good excuse (abducted by aliens, slight work crisis) then maybe it's okay.

However, if you'd said you were going to email him and didn't then he will probably have assumed you weren't interested, and he wasn't so overwhelmingly keen he'd throw ego to the wind to contact you. There's a lot of vulnerability involved in mailing/calling someone who has said they'd be in touch and then never does.

As long as you have a decent reason why it's taken so long, then go ahead, and if he was keen then a second date may be doable. However he may have also had dates with other people since then, not having heard from you.

go for it. What have you got to lose? If he says no or doesn't respond, you're no worse off.

antonym Mon 26-Nov-12 22:54:34

Alittlestranger email him. Just do it.

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 26-Nov-12 22:55:00

Alittlestranger, personally I'd send him a message. He may have thought you didn't sound very keen by your response. And as you said you'd e-mail him and didn't, he may have assumed you didn't want to see him again.

If you e-mail him and he doesn't reply, then you know he's not interested - but at least you gave it a go. And if he does reply and wants to meet up, then great, you can see how date 2 goes.

Alittlestranger Mon 26-Nov-12 22:57:52

Bantam that's my thinking, re nothing too lose. I know he had at least one date lined up and I had two so it's possible he's becoming the world's seventh OD success story with someone else, but then maybe not. But I can claim to have been ill, which is actually true. Although I have worked out we have a mutual friend so it's not quite a case that egos can be put out there and dashed secretly.

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 23:13:10

A big admission here. I am so ashamed. SORRY A surge of emotion rushed through me. You're going to think I am a complete loser. I did call round at his house. His car was there but one of sons said he was out and he didn't know where he was or when he would be back.

So now I have tired everything pretty much to try and contact him. He knows I want to speak with him and he is deliberately avoiding me.

bantamrooster Mon 26-Nov-12 23:26:57

Poppy - you don't need to apologise - really, all of us have been there, you really don't need to feel ashamed about it.

So - it seems he doesn't want to talk to you, he's being non communicative, terse, and is too much of a coward to talk to you. He's not worth your time, really he's not. It's horrible I know, people do this (men and women) and you feel like you have a connection then suddenly they go cold.

It's a shitty situation to be in, I'm sorry sweetie, but you did nothing wrong here. Sometimes we have to realise that people aren't who we thought they are, and it hurts to go through it. But you've done nothing wrong here. You'll be feeling shitty but don't' beat yourself up about the fact you choose to hope for the best, it makes you a better person than him.

ahh poppy don't be ashamed, you're not a loser. he obviously doesn't have the balls to face you/speak to you, whatever it is he has to say. ignoring seems to be the easy way out when you hardly know the other person which is probably why it happens so much with OD. i'm sorry you're feeling so bad about it but I don't blame you for turning up, you just wanted an answer.

Poppysquad Mon 26-Nov-12 23:31:06

Thanks bantam Tears tonight I am afraid. I appreciate your note and those from the rest of you too.

Poppy don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. He is showing who he really was and it really has nothing to do with you or anything you've done. Whatever happened would have happened anyway, this is him. Of course it hurts, just be kind to yourself, we'll all be here x

fayster Tue 27-Nov-12 00:41:35

Poppy, what they said above. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, and nothing to make him behave like this. How could you have? This is his problem, sweetie. I do hope you're asleep now, and will wake up feeling better and ready to face the world with a smile.

Sponge, new job sounds brilliant. New start for you all round?

Watch, Tis karma. Indeed.

Snape, chin up, chicken. Sorry, spent the day with a friend on Saturday who calls everyone 'chicken', and it takes me a while to get it out of my system.

Bant, I can't tell whether you actually like the Artist or not? You seem to enjoy her company enough, but are you holding back or just not that keen?

OWW, sorry things are tough. I've not been in your situation, but I've watched a lot of people go through what LM is going through, and it's impossible to predict how anyone will respond in his situation. I'm afraid you will just have to ride it out, but he'll know you were there.

Right, bed time for me. Got back from a non-date with a guy who I've been chatting to on pof for ages, and we're aware we're after different things but thought we might as well meet anyway. I think I might have made a new friend though smile

MacAndCheese Tue 27-Nov-12 00:44:16

Poppy don't be ashamed. It's totally natural to want answers.

What a tool.

MacAndCheese Tue 27-Nov-12 00:46:26

Yay for friends fayster

I have a leaky ceiling hmm

russianreubles Tue 27-Nov-12 04:12:55

Hello one and all - new poster here! I have just come out of a relationship with a man I met on match over a year ago and am now in the position of having to return, or choose another site. I had thought he was "the one" but, as you will have deduced, he turned out not to be (he had been in a semi-professional porn film during his time at uni -"just for the experience" - how do you explain that one to your future kids?!. There was also an incident involving him smashing up a hotel room). And the thing is that he was STILL the most suitable man I have come across!!!(out of about 90 that I met over the course of 2.5 years).

I am now wondering if it will take another 3 years to find the next guy who I'm compatible with only to find out that he has some fatal flaw. Will my eggs have run out by that time?! :-( I am 30, by the way. So hello! Looking forward to sharing new adventures (and maybe some of my past ones - I don't have any friends doing the online thing so I never get the pleasure of sharing my experiences.

48howdidthathappen Tue 27-Nov-12 07:04:16

poppy hold your head up high. You are a good and decent

Scattylatte Tue 27-Nov-12 07:55:34

Welcome Russian. Sounds like you are well rid! You share our pain when it comes to OD.
I ungodly my pof profile last night. 5 messages. All over 60. I might as well be on that site specifically for older people.

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 08:11:20

mac did you get your roof fixed??

Welcome russian

What a lovely morning!! :-D

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 27-Nov-12 08:23:29

Poppy - I agree with everyone else regarding this bloke. And there is nothing easy about you. He does sound like a player to me though and I think you need to try detach yourself as much as possible.

I had one guy chase me for weeks when I was still married. I never took him on but he was relentless, full of charming words etc. When I split from stbxh he ramped it right up and eventually I did sleep with him thinking he really liked me. He mucked me about for weeks afterward hmm

Good thing was I learned a lot from that little experience. Like you can do from this one poppy. If a bloke is going to keep you hanging around, be vague about arrangements and blunt texts...ignore the hell out of him and get on with your own life. This one chap isn't the be all and end all. Pull up your dignity pants and make yourself happy wink

Hello everyone else, no idea where you are all at, dating wise! Will read back and see shortly smile

I still keep having little niggles of doubt about NL but I know myself enough to know I am doing my usual...start getting feelings and immediately try run away hmm I think I am just a bit broken grin

Feeling a bit apprehensive about December too. It's never a great month for me, this year it will be ten years since I lost my brother five days before Xmas then he was buried on the 30th, it was a long tome ago but it still makes me sad. The kids are also going to their dads after Christmas morning for a few days and I will be all drunk alone because I don't really want to spend it with happy unbroken families bitter I am incredibly proud too hmm and don't want sympathy invites which I have already had grin

Off to catch up on you all. I think the OD thread would make a great tv series grin

natureslaw Tue 27-Nov-12 08:47:58

Hi Russian you're 30? You have plenty of time.
Others are better placed to give you website tips but Match did it for me.
If I was nearer a city I would try Guardian Soulmates or even mysinglefriend.

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 09:52:08

Well TheAuditor and I are out this Thursday for date 4 (dinner out) and have 5 (drinks) ,6 (body attack) and 7 arranged for next week .. I have suggested Lunch at his on Sunday 9th for no 7 while DD is at the panto with her grandparents grin

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 09:56:52

Morning all. Kirsty you sound happy!

Poppy How are you this morning? However disappointed or let down you may be feeling, please don't blame yourself.

Bantam Wondering the same as fayster - are you not quite sure about the artist or just wary of getting ahead of yourself? It can be hard not to get caught up in things really quickly if there's a mutual spark (especially if it's been a while since you've had dessert!! grin)

Hi Russian, welcome.

Just a quick update from me for newbies or anyone who hasn't had time to catch up. Having used POF, OKC and GS with varying degrees of success I'm not lining up any new dates at the moment. It just all feels like too much hard work for so little in return. And things with job hunting, money & FMXH are all a bit shit and draining my resources. So I will be watching from the sofa for a while.

MacAndCheese Tue 27-Nov-12 10:17:38

Welcome russian

Roof is being fixed this afternoon. Hooray!

Ooh er Kirsty wink

Hello everyone else. smile brew

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 10:47:45

Yoga and fayster - it's a combination of both. I wasn't as blown away by the Artist as I was by either SurreyGirl or the AmazingVanishingHistorian, but then both of them went silent due to issues with their exes - arguments or temporarily getting back together with them, respectively.

Artist is nice, attractive, there's chemistry. We're similar in some ways and very different in others. There wasn't the thunderbolts and lightning that I felt when I met the Historian, but look how that turned out?

So - I could see how things go with Artist, take it carefully, and see if things feel right, or I could stop things while holding out for the thunderbolts which I may only ever feel with people who are actually subconsciously screwed up. 2 people isn't enough to make a pattern, but it's enough to make me think about it at least. I've only gone 'wow' at two girls out of 11 dates, and both of them had Ex-Ishoos. There were 3 or 4 who wanted to see me again and I didn't really feel it (including Safrican) and 3 or 4 where there was just no mutual spark. I could put a spreadsheet together but that kind of ruins the romance smile

There hasn't been anyone yet where I really fancied them and they didn't fancy me back, luckily.

The Artist - well we've only spent 3 hours together in person, exchanged 3 or 4 emails and spent 4 or 5 hours on the phone.

It doesn't feel perfect, but it feels nice enough. definitely worth a second date to see how we get on again, not ready to plan christmas with her yet.. although she seems to be thinking that way, or at least talking about what she's doing over the holidays. As I said, she's new to OD and everyone goes into it very excitedly, thinking 'ooh is he/she the One' - I did, and other people on here have done too. It's weird to be wanting to calm her down and say 'actually I may not be, let's just take it slowly'

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 11:05:41

Hi to Russian by the way. As far as your ex goes, I'd be more concerned about the smashing up the hotel room than the porn video, to be honest - everyone experiments in college, as they say. And why do you need to explain it to your kids? You don't need to bring out the DVD at christmas, they'd never find it. The hotel room incident is a bit weird though. I've been bored in hotel rooms, yes - and I've stayed in a lot of them. And one time I broke the shower rail by accident. But smashing it up implies someone who loses control or damages stuff for the hell of it, which isn't exactly a decent thing to do.

And as nature said, 30 is plenty of time. You're old enough to be thinking seriously about kids but way too young to be worrying.

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 11:08:40

I could put a spreadsheet together but that kind of ruins the romance

I don't know, I quite like a good pivot table myself. smile

No, seriously, while I think it's unlikely that thunderbolts=ex issues it seems we've all learned that thunderbolts don't necessarily mean happily ever after either...for whatever reason. Sigh, thunderbolts are nice though. And sometimes it can feel like awfully hard work to actually take the time to get to know someone (but maybe that's just me at the moment).

So 2nd, possibly even 3rd date sounds good. Especially as you and Kirsty seem to be the only ones having much luck at the moment!

MadameOvary Tue 27-Nov-12 11:16:28

Hi everyone <waves> Just caught up now but will have to write proper mahoosive post later.
Poppy - been there. Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes you have to get to that point before it becomes clear you are wasting your time.
Snape - no finger-wagging from me over Vol-Au-Twat. You will look back at laugh though as he languishes in lonely misery later on.
Watch Hope things get better sweetie. Wish we could all visit your ex and have a quiet word with a cattle prod.
Western How were comms between you before all this? Sorry if you've said. Was he the type to talk about feelings?
On some of the stuff I've read here recently. It's interesting doing the dating thing completely sober. I met DP for breakfast at my gym, on a Sunday. There were no fireworks, but I'd been there, done that so I wasn't looking for them.
I also told him that, having been in an abusive relationship I wanted to take my time. I was at the point where I just thought "This is what I want and need, so if you don't like it, tough" He was fine with it. I think he appreciated knowing what was going on.
I didn't kiss him till date 6 and by then I was ready to go for it. I just happened to have the whole night
Things are going pretty well, have met his friends, he has invited DD and I for Xmas and is now talking about keys, which was a surprise but a nice one.

I dunno, It seems like I broke all the rules. I did know what I wanted though, as well as what I didn't. And hoping I am not coming across as smug, I have had my moments thinking it was all going to go to shit, It takes a while to relax and am still not quite there yet.

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 11:18:09

I am not counting any chickens Yoga .. He may disappear after Lunch.. I may not enjoy Lunch chezAudit .. We'll just have to see

If it doesn't work out then there are plenty more fish on POF and the other sites

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 11:23:35

Good morning everyone! Feeling better today although contracts still not signed sad. I am consciously trying not to get stressed about this though - after all, what can I do? Nothing. The only thing that worrying and fretting is doing is making me feel bad. I'm trying to apply this more generally to my life . . .

Bantam - the Artist sounds promising so far, and you never know, you/she might be "The One". A bit of calm and steadiness is good, though - I get a bit nervous about too much excitement . . .

Poppy - so sorry to hear things aren't going well. Please don't beat yourself up. Like other people have said, you've not done the slightest thing wrong. It's so hard, I know, to keep your chin up after something like this, but take a while to recover and be kind to yourself.

Sponge - how's the new job going today? So glad life's looking up.

Kirsty - wow!! Things are moving on with the auditor pretty quickly! Glad things are going so well for you.

Snape - enjoy the prof, should perk you up a little . . .

Well, after yesterday's agonising about LM, got home to find a missed call from him, called back and he was doing bathtime so didn't speak until later on. Had a good hour chatting on the phone, which is unusual for me as I'm not all that good with phones (I know that sounds strange but I much prefer to talk face-to-face or else message/text), and it was nice chatting, funny, friendly stuff. He seems to be feeling quite well! Is back at the hospital later this week. We're meeting up on Thursday and I'm very much looking forward to it.

I am going to try and keep to my resolution about not worrying and over-analysing, not just with men but with all sorts of things. I need to get back to my old self, and it will come. I know I have a lot of strength inside and all I need to do is clear away this awful cobwebby layer of worry and stress. Thanks to everyone for putting up with my whittling!

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 11:26:25

That's great your mind has been put at rest OWW

Hopefully your ex will get his finger out soon xx

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 11:34:32

I am consciously not looking at the sweet trolley. But it keeps winking at me..

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 11:39:38

I was very good bant I got a message from a cop who lives about 2 streets away who I'd been chatting to before but I told him I have met someone I like and am going to are how that goes

I listened to what you'd said about what you would do if it was RL dating instead of OD ..

I have a question, mr wine who I saw sat and sun eve (2nd and 3rd date) dropped into conversation that he's actually 38 not 34 as stated on his profile. Now I don't mind the age (makes him 10 yrs older than me) but it's the issue of not being straight. He claimed he did it because ppl tend to search within brackets, 30-35, etc. But I'm still a bit hmmm. What do you think?

He's waiting for me to say yes to fri depending on babysitting, but he hasn't texted since I texted him after getting home on sun, so I thought that was a bit weird too.

kirsty isn't it nice to have things planned? Sounds like you're getting on welll

poppy hope you're feeling better todayh

oww ahh glad LM has come through, at least you can relax a bit now, and fingers crossed papers get signed!

bant I'm also like that with OD newbies now, I actually groan inwardly when I learn they are new to it, because it is easy to get carried away with the excitement in the beginning. But I think my coolness can sometimes be perceived as lack of interest. It's a tricky one to balance.

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 11:48:25

You mean like this Bantam winking ?

Good morning all.

Kirsty grin

Bantam The Artist does sound very keen, I wouldn't worry about not being blown away (no pun intended), that has almost never happened to me although I have certainly had a good feeling about someone which develops.

natureslaw Tue 27-Nov-12 12:12:27

My thing with ironman is going well too! We've had 8 <ahem> dates in 11 days.

Ooh natureslaw that must be a record!!

natureslaw Tue 27-Nov-12 12:28:39

Well I'm not sure we're dating anymore smile
I've been reading with interest bant's theories of OD, ironman and I got together in slightly unusual circumstances and I wonder whether that helped somehow.
Certainly, there would still have been a spark and I think we would have liked each other but the outcome may have been different.

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 12:33:08

questions I've dropped 2 years on my OKC - initially to go along with the honey-trappiness of it all, but also to be a little bit nearer 40. I used to be very condemnatory of folk who fib about their age. I told the prof as soon as I met him (I'd also said I was 2 inches shorter..) and we laughed because he'd shaved off two years as well. 10 years older than you is a bit of a gap - i wouldn't be happy with that..

nice texting with the prof last night - dinner on thursday confirmed. good fun as nothing can happen because he has what is described as an on/off gf, but he is delightful company and i feel it's only fair that he has an indication of what he is missing. blush it's not like they live together or have been going out for years or anything seriously serious. it's only dinner. i'm going so that I can be this seldom happens these days. [huff] I feel I'm justifying it to myself, but it's really friends who had fab-sex twice having a nice dinner.

Also, can't remember if i said, but my grievance wasn't upheld, so I have to appeal - so wrote that this morning. have applied for three jobs with much improved pay. DS1 still not great - he's off school so far this week, we're aiming at two days this week - three next week etc. I'm waiting to hear from CAMHS.

<waves at all>

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 13:03:21

Snape - sorry things are still dlifficult with ds1. In my experience, CAHMS have been great and also move quickly - probably worth a chasing phone call or two (first of all to your GP or whoever made the referral, as they tend not to move as quickly). Fingers crossed things sort out soon, and with your appeal and job applications too. I know it must seem a bit bleak at the moment, but there's potential for a lot of positive stuff to happen here . . .

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:12:17

snape no need to justify, it's just dinner and you deserve something nice, if just for a few hours. Good luck with the appeal and the job apps, I am beginning to completely despair of ever finding work. sad

Secretservice Tue 27-Nov-12 13:13:29

Afternoon all!
Hope it's not too rude to keep dipping in and out, but I do catch up with you all ever day smile I also have to admit to developing a bit of a girl crush on Juliet blush

Wondering if you could your collective wisdom to this conundrum: why does my profile only seem to attract men with, ahem, a smattering of education! I have had four dates with three men in the past month. All have claimed to have some sort of job, if not a profession, but turns out they haven't really.

It's not the lack of jobs that bothers me, I know it's hard out there, but they have never done anything really, drifted from job to job til they dried up, in all three cases.

In two of the cases, you may remember mushroom man, and there's another I saw twice last week, they have been good company, but have never heard of the books, films music I enjoy sad

So where am I going wrong? I have not one reply from a book-reading, gallery visiting professional, yet my profile states that I am all those.

What's wrong with me <wailing and gnashing of teeth>

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 13:15:00

nature - please don't take my theories of OD as anything more meaningful than the confused ramblings of a bloke who's trying to work it all out by writing it down. And sometimes I may have had a glass of wine or three

It's different for everyone, but a lot of us have had similar experiences. I get fewer cockshots though smile

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 13:20:31

service - which site are you on again?

I have a profile on POF (or it should be called POPOF - Plenty Of Pictures Of Fish..) and it always irritates me I can't search by education level - or at least I haven't worked out how to. Match allows me to, I think a few others do but not POF - and most of the people on there are high school only. I want to date someone who at least started university.

Otherwise we really don't have a huge amount in common, even if they love the same music as me - their friends are unlikely to get on with mine, they're not likely to read for pleasure, and they'll think Opera is a middle aged american chat show host.

I'm being snobby here, aren't I?

So I've kind of given up on POF because I see someone attractive, scroll down and see 'high school' and just think - nah. Graduates are few and far between

mercury7 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:29:58

hold on ..i didnt go to university and i am a dyed in the wool bibliophile!!
What about autodidacts??

mercury7 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:31:38

also lisiten to radio 4 and detest reality TV

Secretservice Tue 27-Nov-12 13:31:56

I'm on POF and okc, Bantam. I have been able to find a few who fit the bill, but not one has responded to my charming, witty messages. maybe I just don't look the part. It's my northern working class roots showing through ;)

It's not snobby though, is it? I'm happy to spend time with blokes like my dates, in fact seeing not-actually-a-chef again on Friday as despite the differences there is a spark, and i could easily partake of Dessert, but what then?

Also, and this does sound very immodest, but there's a sense of them not being able to believe their luck, in 'I've pulled a posh bird' way, which is nice for a couple of hours, but ...

Ah snape hope your applications go well, as oww said potential for crappy situation to turn into a better one. Fingers crossed. And you deserve some fun, so don't justify!

I'm not too bothered about the 10 yrs gap, that's prob my upper limit though. I've always tended towards older guys in the hope they are more mature as I'm quite an "old" 28 year old in that I don't do crazy clubbing nights out, don't want to drink til I'm sick etc etc much prefer a random film and an interesting restaurant.

Well I've just texted him that fri eve is on if he's still up for it, now the wait begins.

secret mr wine is the first guy I've gone out with who doesn't have a degree, and I always assumed I wouldn't have much in common with someone who hadn't had some higher education but he comes across as intelligent and conversation flows easily so I'm willing to see how it goes. I think you need to be on a site where the majority of ppl do have some sort of a profession to up your chances of finding someone you likes what you like, perhaps? I doubt it's to do with your profile?

Secretservice Tue 27-Nov-12 13:38:37

Oh I know that mercury. It's not the degree, at all. I have one and will happily watch reality TV! It's the lack of curiosity that audifidacics obviously have in bucket loads. And it's why I do meet these dates, just in case, there's more to them than first appears

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 13:39:23

You can search on PoF for education level on advanced search - this is what I did and ended up with LM (only PhD wanting a relationship in the entire area!!). Not that qualifications necessarily mean anything in terms of personality, shared interests etc, but it's a starting point to try and sift through the hundreds of profiles.

Secretservice Tue 27-Nov-12 13:40:57

Just remembered also wasted money subscribing to gsm four weeks ago, not a single response to maybe 10 messages ;(

*who likes...

mercury7 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:42:24

...on the other hand Sponge is a high court judge and she likes 'TOWIE' (whatever that is confused)
you are stereotyping with the university thing Bant
I find I get a pretty good idea of intellectual level from reading someones profile..a little messaging soon tells me if we are on the same wavelength on that score

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 13:47:01

Big reason why I get on with LM is that we are both very northern working class in background (and accent), both now (too?) educated with good professional jobs, similar lifestyles etc. But the "roots" thing definitely helps, we know where we're both coming from there. Not sure I would be as comfortable with a bloke who'd had it easy his entire life and was a bit out of touch with most people's reality.

It's all so difficult to tell who's on the right wavelength, however we try to sift and sort and message and second guess, until we actually meet, and maybe not even then . . .

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 13:54:16

mercury - I wasn't saying that all people who didn't go to Uni can't read, or don't read for pleasure - it's just less likely than someone who did - in the same way that being a graduate doesn't mean they're not going to watch reality TV and that they've traveled the world. But there are so many profiles to look at, you choose what's important to you - age, education, facial hair, smoker - whatever, to whittle it down. Personally I have a thing about accents, the Artist sounds a bit Essex-y to me, which I'm not a big fan of, but I'm trying not to let it put me off.

I've got mates who didn't go to college and while I love them dearly, there are some conversations we don't have, they tend to be less widely traveled, don't like films with subtitles and we don't lend each other books. If someone who went to high school had a really funny, well written profile, I'd think about getting in touch, but quite often dey iz all like dis.

So you draw your lines, slot people into boxes and avoid some of the boxes. While I know that someone being a couple of years outside my age range isn't a showstopper, I know I'm not likely to want to date a woman 10 years older than me (or the 30 years older who winked at me a few weeks ago) . And for me education level is just one of those things that gives me an idea of whether it's worth approaching her, let alone dating her.

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:54:59

I know what you mean about the drive/ambition thing - the engineer (aircraft engineer, used to be in RAF) had a good job and was obviously reasonably intelligent but when I asked why he joined the RAF he said he didn't know what else to do with his life and he happened to be hanging out with some friends when they went to sign up.

I think I've said before also, I can be a bit of a geek sometimes and being with someone who is educated/has a good job makes me feel less self-conscious about that. I can just be more comfortable being myself.

Anyway, I have DELETED my POF profile.

natureslaw Tue 27-Nov-12 13:57:02

bants I have not been sent a single cock shot, not even a torso. As my subscription still has a while to run & I'm no longer looking I thought I might specifically advertise for body parts only -think this could work?

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 13:57:06

So what is your preference re facial hair in a date Bantam?

yoga does that mean you're signing up elsewhere?

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 14:01:59

that's it secret - it's the curiosity. I want someone who wants to discover new things, new countries, new authors, whatever, not someone who sits on the sofa and waits for the next series of I'm a Celeb. It's an outlook on life thing - and someone having gone to college (not necessarily uni) is an indicator of that but not a guarantee.

I'm a bit of a geek myself and don't want to feel like I can't talk about the stuff that interests me because I get blank looks. They don't need to be a geek, they don't need to have a degree or PhD, but they do need to have some curiosity about life. There's no tickbox for that. Although maybe I should explore POF advanced searching a bit more

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 14:03:01

yoga I generally prefer them to have less than me. I'm ticklish.

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 15:09:08

Big step yoga

I met TheAuditor on POF and he has a masters degree .. I only have a BSc .. Also a bit of a geek as my degree is software engineering

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:12:37


questions I've got profiles on OKC and Guardian Soulmates (GS) as well but not actively looking on either one at the moment. OKC I've found quite a few people to chat to and I've had a couple of first dates through it - but they've all just been sooooo dull (queue blank stares...). I've had the best luck on GS - actually met two men through it that I really liked got on with (sparks, dessert, etc) but the membership is so small that the chances of finding anyone new dwindle significantly after the first couple of months.

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:13:18

(sorry the Ha was for Bantam, not Kirsty)

Secretservice Tue 27-Nov-12 15:32:18

So it's you who's taken all the gsm men yoga. I have nothing from there, apart from two men, one in late 60s and one without a pic, who even went as far as putting me in their 'like you' queue.

Did think of complaining that the system couldn't possibly working properly, after all who could possibly fail to fall for my charms!

Scattylatte Tue 27-Nov-12 15:45:16

Ive been out with a couple of engineers who were very successful in business but they knew very little about any other stuff. So loads of money yet i introduced them to sushi!

Yoga: when you are on the sofa do you have an FWB? Being on the sofa would be less lumpy if I had something simmering in the background. But I dont.

Got a message from a fireman who contacted me. I sent him a couple of pictures which werent at all advant garde. Now he has messaged back saying he is punching above his weight. WTF. I dont get many messages on OD so I am definitely not floating in the wind when it comes to natural beauty. I cant win.

KirstyWirsty Tue 27-Nov-12 15:54:12

scatty I'd message him back and say why don't we chat or meet up and see?

Scattylatte Tue 27-Nov-12 16:02:51

Kirsty: As per your advice. Ive done exactly that. Will let you all know!

Scattylatte Tue 27-Nov-12 16:07:20

secret When I joined OD I envisaged being bombarded with messages, especially after a friend told me she couldnt keep up with the amount she received. I was very disappointed to see that I would get very few, weed out the spuds and the over 70's and the under 24's and slim pickings would be an understatement.
Im not sure why. Maybe its the candy shop mentality of "she's ok but hey, she's slightly better...she is nearer...etc".
Now I try to take it all with a hefty pinch of salt

Hows the job going sponge?

So what are you going to wear to your dinner date Snape?

Secret I get driven, successful, up themselves, patronising men who are looking for a little woman. I also never thought I'd have to mentally have a note of whether a man would know what an avocado is as it's unlikely we'd be suited. Nothing in my profile suggests I would suit either. If you would like someone to have a look at your profile, PM me and I'll take a look.

Bantam I don't think it's unreasonable to want someone with similar values and approaches to life. I'm sure there are lots of lovely potential men out there who are not educated or curious about life but although I don't want to sit around discussion philosophy I do want to be with someone who passes my avocado test. Avocado man was a high match from eharmony.

I don't care if someone has been to university or not but intelligence and wit are non negotiable. I like okc for this as it forces people to say a bit more about themselves and the questions are useful for seeing what someone's core values are.

MirandaWest Tue 27-Nov-12 18:36:44

I thought that someone having gone to university was important to me but turns out it wasn't. Although someone with an interest in life and a desire to find out more about things is important. And that's what I have in Mr Nice smile
He is also a geek which is a Good Thing

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 18:43:38

bant a university education does not necessarily mean smart though. I didn't go to uni as I was a teenager carer for an aunt with Alzheimer's, so screwed up my A levels... I'm on one of the top 10 'graduate' training schemes in the UK. I don't lie about my education on dating sites...because I only lie about my age wink

Finally a response from Voldemort re fb friend request, paraphrasing here, 'let's give it more time and see how we both feel, because I'll be posting about newgirl and I don't want to cause you more upset'

Lololololololololol. And that's from someone who doesn't lol-much.

Response along the lines of 'actually, with the benefit of space and retrospect, I don't seem to care that much have a problem with it you self aggrandising idiot by all means add me when you feel comfortable with it. In the meantime hope you're ok and wish you well.'

scatty chunky-heels, sheer black stockings, black low cut knee length dress. Hair down. Red lipstick.

I am going to be unfair and share the following exchange I had today from someone I had viewed on a paid site. It's not me, it's them isn't it. Isn't it?

Hi - notice you spotted me recently. Don't be scared to write if you're even half-interested: I reckon the paper sift can rule out a few obvious clashes.... And I certainly don't see any MAJOR clashes in your profile: gorgeous photos; interesting script; irreverant humour with a hint of, er, innuendo. ;)

OK. So you don't say whereabouts in London you are and, if I'm honest, my residual parental commitments mean I probably don't yet have the time to make a relationship work if you're the opposite side of town from me. And nor, I suspect, do you - not only from a childcare perspective (how many? how old?), but also from your description of your employment as "senior exec" (who with?).

And yes, there is a fair bit of prog rock on my iPod. But I'm quite used - from throughout my marriage - to containing that for headphones when I'm on my own, and my musical tastes are MUCH more eclectic than that. I don't think that would become a barrier if we got on otherwise.

... Though I'd probably draw the line at scuba: I was told, when I put myself down for a lesson once, that it could make my slight tinnitus much worse.

What do you reckon?

This, boys and girls, is the level of pull I am getting.

MadameOvary Tue 27-Nov-12 18:54:21

Snape - lol indeed. As we say in Scotland "Whit a big fat fannybaws"
If you were in the place to do so it would be brilliant to be added as you we could point and laugh as we all know the more you gush about your partner esp on FB, the more insecure you are. Mwahahahaha.

MadameOvary Tue 27-Nov-12 18:56:22

Well Juliette I don't know about you but "residual parenting commitments" defo swung it for me. Wotta catch!

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 19:03:15

madameO basically I'm terribly nosey, know he isn't the type to share very personal stuff on fb and I am absolutely certain it will never last. Plus I'm fabulous and terribly amusing, my fb is fabulous and terribly amusing and I strongly believe in bystanders occasionally thinking 'fuck. I made a dreadful mistake'


I am actually in the place to be added. I accept he wasn't the person I thought he was or hoped he could be. We won't be back in the casual intimacy place again, but I don't like this childish ignoring of the others existence. It's ridiculous. I'm being grown up and actively seeking a conclusion to what was. He's faffing around and avoiding the issue. He's lucky I want to resolve this, because in so man ways he does not deserve to be in my life.

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:04:39

Snape I think that was a far nicer reply than the twat he deserved. You are officially the Queen of "Rising Above It" - if I had a crown I would hand it to you on bended knee.

Juliette Just too depressing for words. Sounds like he's trying to sort out/justify and and all potential problems before you've even had a conversation much less met!!

MirandA geeks can indeed be Good. Things. There was this guy I went out with when I was at Uni. He was such a geek - tall, lanky used to trip over his own feet. I think he's a doctor now. But he wasn't entirely bad looking and he had a very sharp & wicked sense of humour. He was a year older and we dated very briefly my freshman year. It didn't really work out but we stayed really close friends over the next couple of years and always exchanged a bit of banter and just kept the sexual tension at a slow simmer. Anyway the night before he graduated (exams were over, lots of people had already gone home, there was that, oh no I might never see you again type thing) there was, well, all manner of Good. Things. there was definitely whipped cream involve and I don't recall any cake to put it on but thats probably TMI

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 19:11:40

I am actually 'queen of psychological torture' the extent that the kids dad is now an unemployed alcoholic with severe mental health difficulties. I'm not saying I did that. I'm saying that moving on quickly and strongly after a period of resilience building contributed to his eventual acceptance that he had made a terrible mistake.

My crown is the crown of self pity and whining, remember? or something broadly similar wink I don't seem to have two heads or I would need to alternate the crown of 'rising above it' with the crown of 'self pity and whining'' whilst continuing to brandish the sceptre of psychological torture. I can't multi-task to this extent while trying to plan Thursdays dinner outfit.

All is well and all is well and all manner of things will be well.

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 19:14:00

Oh geeks are wonderful. Give me a geek any day over a conventionally good looking, boring, clone man.

I think I'm a bit of a geek myself though so maybe I have to like 'em.

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 19:15:18

I have a geek-thing too. Bear in mind I believe doctor who to be real.

mercury7 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:16:06

it seems rather detailed for a first message Juliette!

I've suddenly gone RIGHT OFF the girls date for free site, seems like 99% of the people using it are just revolting morons (thats the men as well as the women)

I may do a bit of work on my OKC profile, but I'm not sure I can be arsed with actual dating unless my preferred fwb resigns his post

Poppysquad Tue 27-Nov-12 19:17:32

I mailed him in the end this morning. It probably sounded a bit OTT. Saying he was being unkind not getting back on touch and I was finding it difficult dealing with the void. He wrote back saying that he didn't understand why I had become this needy person it had only been two days. Now he's texted saying that he doesn't need this level of emotional involvement and basically it's over.

Yogagirl17 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:18:37

The problem is, the geek has to have something else going for him beyond just being a geek - he can't just sit there and drone in a nasal voice about airplane engines cause that's never going to get my knickers off create any sparks!

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 19:29:10

poppy. Sorry to hear that.

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 19:42:53

Poppy - really sorry to hear that. I know it won't help, but he obviously wasn't right for you.

What I'm going to say now is from the position of being very occasionally prone to worrying and paranoia. What I do is come on here and bend my friends' ears about he's not been in touch, what did he mean by saying this, that and the other until I'm sure everyone's fed up - but it gives me a safe outlet so I can, at least outwardly, stay calm and a little bit detached. I'd always be happy to listen/support if doing something like that would help at any point. (((hugs)))

bantamrooster Tue 27-Nov-12 19:44:12

Juliette - just mail him back and say "you had me at 'residual parenting commitments"


Actually that was one of the best headlines I saw on POF - "you had me at 'prefer not to say'". Loved it.

And yes, I don't need someone with a ridiculous IQ or lots of letters after their name - my STBXW was a PhD, the only other girlfriend I was with that long scraped through uni with a pass, but she was witty, loved poetry and art, loved a good debate.

So I won't rule out people who went to High School just on that alone, it's just that there are so many of them on POF compared to Match, or GSM (I presume)

It would be kind of nice if you could turn off what profile bits you wanted to see - so when you looked through it would just show you photo, profile text and distance - not all the other stuff (their likes and dislikes etc) - if you choose not to look at it. But it's there, so you look at it, and all those comparisons of desserts on the trolley, comparing flavours of jams comes into it, and you're suddenly nitpicking over irrelevant things..

They don't need to have a degree, they just need to make me laugh.

And go like the privy door when the plagues in town.

watchoutforthatsnail Tue 27-Nov-12 19:47:40

gah- dragged out of lurkdom.....

poppy, sorry to hear that. it is shit, and its not nice of him, but it does happen ALL THE TIME in online dating. And im sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but goodness woman, you need to let it go and you have been a bit bunny boilerish about it. You text and email lots of times with no reply, then turn up on his doorstep, then mail again. You just cant do that. Dating is not a relationship. Dating is dating, until you have a conversation that says otherwise. Until then no one owes anyone anything. i know its hard but thats how it is now and it would be easier for you if you detached a lot and remembered that. I dont want this to sound horrible, i think we have all been there ( though maybe not been quite as persistant as you, and its not in doubt that hes not been nice.....)

and bant- goodness, thats nearly as bad as when you first joined the thread and stated that women that slept with men quickly were easy and needed to throw the bone a bit further to keep you interested. Damn, You dont half work to a lot of stereotypes. While i understand wanting to find someone with similar backgrounds and interests, dont be so naieve to think this can come from filtering if someone has been to uni or not.

i know plently of people with mickey mouse degrees that have no common sense and not an ounce of interest in anything other than beer/ tv/ the sun newspaper. and i know plently of people like me, and snape and various others, that didnt go to uni due to family cirumstances that love reading and culture etc etc. A degree does not make the person.
i do wonder, are you a daily mail reader?

( and im sorry for the rant, but come on, its like we have slipped back to 1954 or something)

snape - prof sounds good. voldie doesnt.

yoga - yes, join us on the sofa

madame - not me with the ex problems

oww - good, sounds a bit better. did the house get signed over today?

further house update is they are now begging me to stay and arent coming back at all. Howwver, since their position has changed 3 times in as many weeks and having something stable is important, along with the fact i cant trust them at all.... then im still moving. keys in 14 days!

NicholasTeakozy Tue 27-Nov-12 19:47:57

Sorry to hear that Poppy. I thought that would happen tbh. Still, he's a shit for fucking and running.

Going back to the education thing, I didn't go to university, but went out to work.

I read when I can, and am currently discussing The Salmon Of Doubt with some Alabamans I've somehow befriended on Facebook. The conversation has covered HHGTTG, Douglas' writing, Earl grey vs English Breakfast, chips, mushy peas and chip shop curry sauce. Who knows where it will go next.

OhWesternWind Tue 27-Nov-12 19:57:30

Well Nicholas there's only one place to go after curry sauce ...

No, Mr Twat hasn't signed the contracts. However, I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing loudly in an attempt to ignore this fact, and also that if we don't complete by Friday that'll be another mortgage payment due and as he's not paid anything for two months I'm going to have to pay the lot to save my credit rating.

Feeling much better generally, though.

watchoutforthatsnail Tue 27-Nov-12 19:59:50

i didnt go - family situation made it difficult, would have been very selfish of me to do so. So i deffered and i funded a trip to the states to become an au pair. I didnt like children but thought it might be a cheap way to see the states, earning while i worked and funding weekend trips. I flew to new york for training and from there was allocated fucking kentucky.
Unfortunatley what the au pair agency failed to mention was that the family i was working for were going to lock me in my bedroom when i wasnt working. When i did escape and manage to use the phone i was prompty dumped by the agency for having the audicaity to be annoyed by this act.
Stranded in the middle of rual kentucky with no phone, money nor transport and 45 mins from the next building ( being an antiques shop) i ' borrowed' the family car i had been allowed to use, leaving a note as to where it was to be left. drove across the state to find a girl i have briefly met in new york. She drove me to the airport, where i waited, with my cases and nothing else, for a flight, that i had to call several people in the uk to fund......

coming back to the uk i had to work to pay those back who funded my emergency return trip.

and so, no uni for me.

Life has a funny way sometimes. im still smarter than the adverage bear....

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 20:02:10


I come from a working class background, my mother was a bit perplexed by my intellect. I occasionally theorise that my mother didn't really know how to mother (her mum died when she was 6 months old and she was passed to spinster paternal aunts) and as an only child I was pretty much left alone. We didn't have a lot of money, she was a working single parent in the 1970s with no qualifications to speak of. We didn't have a car or holidays, i didn't have after school activities (excepting swimming lessons) but we did have plenty to eat. What I did have was a library ticket. I read the children's library by the age of 12. All of it, because during school holidays I would be waiting outside the library when it opened, to return the six books I had borrowed the day before.

And that widened my world. By the age of thirteen I was taking myself around London museums & galleries during the school holidays. Teachers loved me, because I was desperate to learn. I would fall asleep listening to news radio.

I fluffed my A-levels, but I also had to bring in an income...and you'll find that bright students from lower socio-economic backgrounds won't go to uni these days and get in debt because they need to supplement the household income.... And the libraries are closing...

And we wonder why I'm single when I trot out all this! ^^

I should stick Shoes or soap operas and not worry my pretty little head about such matters... wink

And yes poppy he's a shit for fucking and running, but sit on your hands a bit lovely. You've given him an excuse to dump. That said i think he would have found one no matter what you did and you have the opportunity of closure, you have your response, which is a good thing. You know where you are, which is way better than not knowing, trust me.

snapespeare Tue 27-Nov-12 20:03:56

watch that is incredible although absolutely terrifying you have my absolute respect.

You'd make a fab film, you. [kiss]