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New 'boyfriend' is married and has two children WWYD?

(123 Posts)
MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 09:26:38

Hello,

I broke up nearly two months ago with my fiancée (He hid the fact that he was 280k in debt etc.) and although I thought it wouldnt happen so quickly I met somebody new a few weeks ago. Everything is great, however he never wants to meet me at the weekend as he says he is busy. But he told me yesterday that he is married with two children but they are separated and only live together for the children's sake. Just to explain: he has a flat in Central London and I assumed it was his 'bachelor' pad but at the weekend he lives with his family in Surrey.

I really like this guy but I am not sure if I should believe him. I wonder if I should ask him if I can speak to his wife. I feel slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. If I was his wife I surely wouldn't want to spend the weekends with him while during the week he sleeps is with his new girlfriend.

WWYD?

Sorry for spelling but quickly tipping from iPad.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 23-Nov-12 09:27:40

I wouldn't believe him.

Pochemuchka Fri 23-Nov-12 09:28:04

Ditch him until he can prove all ties are broken.

In the meantime you might meet someone else less complicated.

mortimersraven Fri 23-Nov-12 09:29:00

Woah, WARNING BELLS

run, run!

espanol Fri 23-Nov-12 09:29:27

Walk away quickly. It won't end well sad

I think you need some time on your own to get over your last relationship before you see someone new.

Only continue seeing this new man if you're ok with being the other woman. He's telling you that, so listen to him.

LittleMidge Fri 23-Nov-12 09:30:18

Ohhhh I've been fed this line before and fell for it hook line and sinker! Turned out very, very badly!!! Run, run, run!!!!

Snusmumriken Fri 23-Nov-12 09:30:27

Run away as fast as you can!

MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 09:30:39

Yes, I wonder why it always happen to me. I am going out now but trying to reply from my phone.

ProcrastinatingPanda Fri 23-Nov-12 09:31:27

I'd dump him tbh.

scaevola Fri 23-Nov-12 09:32:05

Break off with him immediately.

He is still entangled with his family, and you should never, ever believe that someone is truly separated if they are living in the family home part of the time. I bet his wife doesn't know they are "separated" anyhow.

cloudpuff Fri 23-Nov-12 09:32:09

Run for the hills. I may be wrong but the odds are they very much still together. You should try asking to speak to his wife, if its a flat out no, or he makes lame excuses then I would ditch him tbh.

Gigondas Fri 23-Nov-12 09:32:32

Chinny reckon they are together for kids- run.

willyoulistentome Fri 23-Nov-12 09:32:45

You seriously have to ask what to do???

DUMP!

HairyGrotter Fri 23-Nov-12 09:33:31

Sounds like he's full of shit. Walk away and quickly

quietlysuggests Fri 23-Nov-12 09:33:46

Seriously?
I would have thought that only a very stupid and needy person would believe such obvious lies and walk willingly into being a mistress.
But there you go.
Good luck with asking to speak to the wife. Ha ha ha.

Run!! The weekday flat is a work pad and he goes home to his family. Spend some time by yourself and find someone who isn't attached.

BeckAndCall Fri 23-Nov-12 09:34:43

Run! Not only for your sake but for here. They're obvisouly still together and they stand no chance of working out whatever their problems are with you on the scene. Do the decent thing and step away.

Gintonic Fri 23-Nov-12 09:35:55

Sorry to say it, but sounds like a definite lie to me. And even if it's true how can you have a proper relationship if he is living a lie for the supposed benefit of his children?

willyoulistentome Fri 23-Nov-12 09:37:20

...and by the way - you won't have been the first or the last that that he will try this crap on!

feelingdizzy Fri 23-Nov-12 09:38:32

get away now,the longer you stay the harder it will be for everyone.

Pancakeflipper Fri 23-Nov-12 09:38:54

Don't even challenge him on it because he will feed you persuasive crap.
Just step away from him and move along.

You will find a debt free, single man.

Run, not just walk away.

Think you need to raise your own relationship bar a lot higher than it currently is.

He's lying through his teeth and sees you as purely an opportunity to exploit.
Do not permit your own self to be further exploited.

ThePathanKhansWitch Fri 23-Nov-12 09:39:48

Get shot OP.

catsmother Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:03

It's true these days that a number of couples remain living together, not for the "sake of the children" but because they literally can't afford to split up and still house everyone adequately. That must be a living hell but if this man has another flat in central London there's absolutely no reason why he would need to remain in the family home - and most women would tell him to sod off to the London flat if they had really split up. Untold numbers of children survive their parents splitting up - to remain (allegedly) "together" for their sake is just ridiculous, and if this were true, it'd be a very unhealthy situation for the kids anyway.

You're being spun a line.

expatinscotland Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:17

DUMP! One of the oldest lines in the book, we're separated but together, for the kids, of course.

Yeah, right.

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:24

I'm trying as hard as I can see what exactly could present anyone with a dilemma here, OP.

Nope. Sorry. Just not seeing it.

izzyizin Fri 23-Nov-12 09:40:53

There's no way this married man is going to allow you to speak to his wife, and if an approving female voice calls you in relation to him you can be reassured it'll be an actress or some woman doing him a favour.

You're not very good at picking men, are you?

This is another one for the bin and once you've dumped him you're best advised to rethink what it is you look for in your relationshps and what makes you vulnerable to chancers and opportunists.

Given your emotional neediness, jumping into bed with men within a very short time of meeting them is NOT a good idea. Get to know them thoroughly and meet their friends/family before you embark on sexual relationships with what are effectively strangers.

pinkyredrose Fri 23-Nov-12 09:44:17

OP 'together for the childrens sake' is the oldest line in the book.

What would happen if you called him at home and his wife answered?

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 09:47:49

A few months before he left my ex suggested this sort of set up, move me and kids to France actually when he got a small place during the week close to work. I said no, he left soon after. I think a lot of men want their family and someone to shag on the side.

Cut him out.

I remember the poor Rich guy, where do you meet these men?

DowagersHump Fri 23-Nov-12 09:50:55

I would ditch him because I wouldn't want to have an affair with a married father of two which is what you're doing

Redstockingswillstopsanta Fri 23-Nov-12 09:51:14

Run away as fast as you can,you need to sort out your head from your last relationship before you can see clearly with a new relationship,you know this is going to end really badly ,don't set yourself up for more pain.

You knew your old relationship was wrong,so you know this isn't right,have you thought this might be a rebound relationship,good luck.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 23-Nov-12 09:53:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 09:55:32

If he was telling the truth, the family only live in Surrey, I can't see any reason why he wouldn't see the kids and commute?
You choose liars, time to step back and think about why this keeps happening.
I would be sincerely amazed if he's on the level sad

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Nov-12 10:00:00

I think, as an honest person yourself, and (I think, from what you said before) having a family you can trust, you perhaps don't realise just how many people simply lie through their teeth to get what they want. I remember wondering why fellow pupils in my primary school didn't believe some things I told them, and then discovering with quite a shock that it was because they said a lot of things that were just made up. It was an even bigger shock when I realised a surprising number of adults never grow out of it!

I would pretty much bet my bottom dollar that this guy has a perfectly nice, loving wife, who regrets how little she sees of her husband during the week, but accepts that he works really hard for the family and, if it takes the burden of commuting off him, that's a reasonable sacrifice. Meanwhile he is looking for a bedwarmer during the week, the word "separated" in this context meaning "too far to pop back for a shag if I feel horny in the night", with connotations of "what the wife doesn't find out won't hurt her".

Run away, run away, and get cynical!

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 10:02:09

Ask to speck to his wife just for the fun of it and see him sqiurm like the worm he is lol

Throw him back he is a bad apple and run.

alexrider Fri 23-Nov-12 10:02:52

I haven't read the whole thread but...

My 'D'H did this to me. I was living in France with the DCs and he was living in his flat in London and coming back to us at the weekends, except the weekends when he told me he had to work and was really going out with a new group of mates. He met another woman, never told me about it, until he decided that life with her was more fun that with me so dumped me with a quick phone call.

I found out later that he had been registered on internet dating sites and all sorts. He was definitely looking for extra marital fun.

I would walk away, I'm glad to see the back of my husband, he was crap in bed and a useless husband, and I'm much happier without him, but my DCs miss him and he's definitely put them on the back burner. Even if you can have a relationship with a married man and not think about his wife, then give his children a thought. Mine are beyond confused as to why daddy isn't interested anymore.

MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 10:07:00

scaevola

Thats exactly what I think.

I can't understand why you'd want to be with anyone less than two months after splitting with a fiance.

SoupDragon Fri 23-Nov-12 10:09:22

He has lied.
He is still lying.
Run for the hills!

AgathaF Fri 23-Nov-12 10:10:01

Walk away. Whilst you're at it, threaten to tell his wife if you ever hear he is doing the same thing again.

FellatioNelson Fri 23-Nov-12 10:10:28

It is entirely possible that it is true and that they have come to one of those very civilized arrangements where they agree to effectively separate and turn a blind eye to what they other does, whilst maintaining a degree of normality for appearances sake for the benefit of the children, or because to formally split would be financially disastrous.

However, it could also be complete bollocks and his poor wife might no nothing about it at all. I would try to find out a bit more if I were you.

FellatioNelson Fri 23-Nov-12 10:11:13

know, not no.

McBuckers Fri 23-Nov-12 10:11:55

I think my husband told his OW that we were separated and just living together for the children (judging by the things he says now). It was news to me!

Even if they really are separated and just living together because of the children would you be happy with just a Monday to Friday relationship?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 23-Nov-12 10:13:48

Even if it is true what on earth do you want to saddle yourself with all that for?

EuroShagmore Fri 23-Nov-12 10:18:00

I think you are the OW. Sorry.

frantic51 Fri 23-Nov-12 10:18:45

In my dim and distant past when I was young and beautiful grin I found myself in a similar situation. Two months into a relationship with a, "separated" guy I found that he was still going back to his wife and children in Wales most weekends and that his wife was blissfully unaware of her, "separated" state! hmm I walked away immediately. It took him a matter of weeks to replace me with another young woman, much more gullible. He eventually did leave his wife and married my replacement and then did exactly the same thing to her eight years later! Run, OP, run!

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 10:19:07

I always think those couples on TV looking for a town and country pad, are doing so due to the husband wants to have his cake and eat it.

ToffeeCaramel Fri 23-Nov-12 10:19:48

Walk away. Don't be the mistress. Think of his wife and kids.

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:19:49

Kick him to kerb!

And then give yourself a little breathing space to recover from this and breaking up with your fiance.

I'm all for making hay while the sun shines and I appreciate that time isn't everything when it comes to meeting the right person, but no-one needs to deal with this kind of a crap on top of the breakdown of a (presumably) long term, serious relationship.

Nomorepain Fri 23-Nov-12 10:20:18

Why would you want to speak to his wife to get confirmation. She has probably been through enough and really doesn't need his new plaything trying to get some comfort from confirmation that her family has been ripped apart. Have some compassion.

Get rid of him he sounds like a rat. Also if you only split from the person you were going to marry (and presumingly spend rest of your life with?!) 2 months ago are you really in the right place mentally to pursue a serious relationship?

Sorry to be harsh but your post is scaryingly close to my situation - ad I was the pregnant wife at home looking after the children, completely unaware of my cheating stbexh's behaviour.

Don't get involved with this man it is far too complicated!!

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 10:23:06

Agree with izzy, the meta-issue here is why you have such poor judgement in this area. You've mentioned two beaux around here, both are the most abject, howling tossers and yet you aren't sure what to do. Hmm, should I marry someone who's £280k in debt at the age of 22? Hmm, should I shag a bloke who's married with two kids?

If you were buying a car, you wouldn't go "right, I need something that's easy to park, won't break down, is cheap to insure and that the labradors and my shotguns will fit into at the weekend", and then buy the first £50 old banger you see because although it meets none of your needs, it's at least a car.

But that's what you do with men. You wouldn't sort a need as trivial as a car, a garden shed, a kitchen or a takeaway meal like that, so why are you applying zero standards to your love life?

Do all your mates settle for tossers as well, or something? Do you not have some sort of a mental checklist of the minimum you're looking for in a bloke?

If not can I suggest a list?

- affable
- solvent
- gregarious
- listener
- clean
- tidy
- hardworking
- courteous to your friends and family
- allows you your space

I've put nothing in there about looks, sexual technique, cooking ability or any nice to haves. So this is not an unreasonable list and rejecting someone for not ticking these boxes is not unreasonable either.

Your current list seems to a lot shorter viz

- is male
- likes money

which, with all due respect, is not going to whittle the field down much. I'm shuddering at what mental list these blokes must have, for you to be ticking all their boxes.

Snap out of it poppet. Everybody can do, and is entitled to expect, better than the riproaring wankers you've been settling for.

Blu Fri 23-Nov-12 10:23:31

Really sorry to hear about the break up with your fiancee. It must have been devastating.

For now I would concnetrate not on what, why, how this guy is up to, but on answering the question you ask at 9.30 - "I wonder why it always happen to me".

Rushing into new relationships looking for validation and company from people who only wnat to meet their own needs might be one. The people who form the healthiest relationships don't rely on someone else to look after them, they know how to look after themselves. You've had a big shock, you are hurt and vulnerable - look after YOURSELF,build up your inner strength, independence and self belief, maybe getting some counselling if you think it might help?

If you spend any more time being this man's convenient week day entertainment your self esteem will just plummet further and you will fall for someone who will never ever out you first.

Go for it, and good luck!

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 10:24:31

If I read your Op correctly, you split up with your fiancee? two months ago, and met and got together with Mr wonderful a few weeks ago?! So how long were you single? 2 weeks?
Honestly, splitting up from someone you going to marry then moving on so quickly can never work surely?
Please give yourself some time on your own, when you are happy with yourself you will be so much more careful about who you let in.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 10:26:07

shit apocolypto and blue put it so much better!

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 10:29:14

Oh, you do know how to pick them....

My friend spent 7 years of her life like that. Never had any weekends with him, as he always spent it with wife and kids in Surrey. He "could not divorce" her as it would devastate wife. He said he would kill himself if my friend broke up with him. Then it dawned on her that she was wasting her childbearing and most beautiful years on somebody who just wanted his cake and eat it and had no real desire to be with her, other than keep his bed warm weekdays.

Dont allow yourself to be somebody's ShagPile.

MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 10:29:26

EuroShagmore

No, I'm certainly not. This isn't my first post on here.

izzyizin you are probably right, my best friend said to be many years ago that I will always struggle to find the right man. I guess she is right.

I am not serious about this relationship yet . I like him, but the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit. Spending time with him has made it a bit easier getting over my last relationship. It is still not easy.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 10:30:47

Dont fall for him as "medicine" to get over the other scumbag! It is not going to be any easier!

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 10:31:25

That is a harsh breakdown there Apoca.

I think you are spot on, OP's criterea for a Man is correct.

I think the Men see in OP,

She has savings, which I can drain.
She is frugal, so won't use much of my money and gives me more of her money.
She is nice, so will want to avoid conflict.
She is nieve, so won't be on to me untill after I have shafted her.
She has low self esteem, so will put up with things others won't.

ToffeeCaramel Fri 23-Nov-12 10:34:07

"but the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit." Just a little bit?

MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 10:34:11

Acocalypto

All my friends are in happy, long-term relationships. I am jealous of that, because I thought that's why I had a couple of months ago. I hate being on my own and I feel like I fail in life because I am so rubbish at relationships.

Thanks for all your wise words and your advice. I am young and I make mistakes. Of course I think of his wife and children. Otherwise I would just continue with this relationship without asking for advice.

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:35:57

the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit

TBH if you were in the right headspace it would be putting you off a damn sight more than that.

I'm also shock at your best friend's comment, and wondering if a slight lack of judgement applies to some of your other relationships as that doesn't sound like the sort of thing a loving and supportive BF would say.

There is no reason for you to struggle to find a decent man if you allow yourself some time to get your head straight, decide what you want out of life (with or without a man) and build up your self esteem a bit.

MissNJE Fri 23-Nov-12 10:39:22

DumSpiroSpero

Just to explain in which situation she said it in. She studies Psychology and told each of our friends at the table what she thinks how their future will be. About me she said I will be successful in my career but I will always struggle with men.

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:40:48

I met my DH when I was 21 and all my friends were in LTR's.

We have had some wonderful times and have a beautiful DD together, but we have both changed radically over the years (me moreso as he is a few years older), and now have little in common, which to be completely honest makes things bloody hard work at times.

I know it can be a proper PITA when you are single and your friends aren't, but please try not to keep rushing from one dubious bloke to the next. I know how grown up 22 feels but you have such a lot of life ahead of you and growing up to do (I don't mean that to sound as patronising as it probably does but can't think of a better way to put it).

Finding a life-partner is not a race. Just because you reach the finish line first doesn't mean that you won't discover later that the shiny gold trophy is just plastic underneath.

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:42:06

Ok, so given the context she probably wasn't being wilfully unkind, but she's a psychology student, not a fortune teller, and you are in control of your own life.

Apoca's critique was crude but apposite.

I still think you should start loving your own self for a change and avoid dating till you've raised both your own relationship bar and boundaries a lot higher.

Why do you think your best friend said as she did?.

BTW what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I would appreciate an answer to that question.

You've gone from one low life chancer to yet another one in the space of just a few weeks. Your self esteem and worth has and will take a further battering at the hands of this person, why put yourself through yet more pain?. He is certainly not going to make you feel better in the long run. Do you at heart think you deserve no better?.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 23-Nov-12 10:44:09

Even if he were telling the truth (which I doubt) do you really want to put your life on hold while he gets on with his family life? You won't ever have a family life with him and are just wasting your life.

You sound totally in the rebound and this is not going to end well.

Call him on it - if he's happy for you to go down to Surrey and meet his wife I will eat my hat!

ToffeeCaramel Fri 23-Nov-12 10:45:22

Did someone say you are 22? You are so young and maybe putting too much pressure on yourself about relationships. I didn't meet the right person til i was 29 and i dated a fair few tossers before then i can tell you! grin I think it's no bad thing to find out who you are suited to by dating throughout your 20s. Don't rush into marriage and settling down. You may well find that your friends of the same age in their happy long term relationships will move on to other people later on. Think about what you really want and what would make you happy. I dated a few people who were highly strung and critical in my 20s but then realised i wanted someone who was easy going and kind and that is how i would describe my husband. Didn;t meet him til late 20s though

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 10:48:40

To be blunt, you don't need to be a psychology student to work out that someone who thinks her boyfriend's wife and kids are "a little bit" of a problem is going to have a problem with men.

It's like predicting that someone who sends their savings to a man in Nigeria is going to have problems with money.

I'm not sure I like your mates either

lalalonglegs Fri 23-Nov-12 10:55:51

Even if he is telling the truth (unlikely), his situation sounds extremely complicated and you have only just come out of a long-term relationship yourself. Give yourself some space and enjoy being single.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 11:05:44

In all honesty, if you really are keen on him, tell him to come back when his divorce is final and he has moved out and on.

You dont want this complication. He is not ready to start any relationship as long as he is already in one.

Redstockingswillstopsanta Fri 23-Nov-12 11:08:15

So is any man better than no man?

charlearose Fri 23-Nov-12 11:11:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu Fri 23-Nov-12 11:16:11

The only reason you will continue to struggle with men is if you continue to place so little value in yourself. There is NO reason to think you can't have a good helathy relationship with a good man. But step one os getting rid of the feelings that might tempt you into rushing into a relationship, any relationship.

"I hate being on my own and I feel like I fail in life because I am so rubbish at relationships." It's a self-perpetuating circle - you hate being alone, so you take the first up-for-it tosser of a man, the relationship fails, you feel even more alone and dejected and fall for an even worse tosser, and so it goes on.

The relationships are failing because of THEM, not because of YOU. If you didn't fall for these men before you know enough abot them, you wouldn't be in failing relationships and you wouldn't feel so desparate to get into anpother one.

The key to breaking the pattern is not being afraid of being alone.

Set yourself a target - you will refuse to have any relationship (including a date) with a man until you have had a great time getting to know one new girl friend, taken up one new activity that you enjoy, and been away for a day out or a weekend away with girlfriends and enjoyed your self, and achieved one thing that you feel really proud of yourself for.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 23-Nov-12 11:22:18

OP - you are 22. Anything said to you 'many years ago' was simply teenage hypothesising.

I would go away and do some growing up, and then worry about a relationship.

Also, I cannot believe that this hasn't got you running a mile, WTF is wrong with you? Where is your self respect or your moral compass??

purplecrayon Fri 23-Nov-12 11:22:20

MissNJE

I am sorry to say that this man sounds very deceitful. My DH used to work in London with a man who did exactly this - spent the weekends in Surrey with wife and kids and spent week nights in London. He was having sex with women in London during the week but his wife thought that he was working hard etc and staying in London to avoid the commute. They were most certainly not separated and a younger woman in DH's team got involved with this man and was very upset about it. Don't let this happen to you anymore.

What your best friend said to you about struggling to find the right man is extremely unhelpful. Thinking like this will not help at all, it is much better to be positive and see yourself as a lovely and successful person who is a great catch. Don't waste yourself on a liar with a tonne of baggage. If he ends up marrying you, whilst you are at home looking after his baby, he will be out shagging in London as usual sad. Don't get caught in this trap. These men never change, infact the only reason they stop taking a mistress is because they get too old to bother, in which case, the latest young wife is stuck with them.

Charbon Fri 23-Nov-12 12:38:39

This man has been testing you out.

Probably because he is practised at this, he was waiting to see how long it would take you to wonder why he was unavailable at the weekends. He knows that most emotionally healthy women would have worked this out or would have made absolutely sure he was single before getting involved with him.

He therefore thinks your lack of curiosity is either naivety or not wanting to know, because you liked him so much. So he said nothing and got you hooked, knowing that you are so vulnerable that you'd find it hard to walk away once the truth was out - even after a few weeks.

This man has played you and should be dumped forthwith, obviously. A man who cared about you would have been honest right from the start.

But what you really need help with is to understand yourself and to work on those aspects of yourself that make you a magnet for unscrupulous and unethical men, who can spot their next victim a mile off.

Lavenderhoney Fri 23-Nov-12 12:59:47

Op, well done for taking the decision to break from from your fiancé, I think I remember your thread.
This chap is having you on. He has a crash pad in London and he has a family home outside. Not sure he needs a crash pad as many commute from Surrey, but clearly he has found a use for it. His wife has no idea, and I woud bet a lo of money it's a surprise to her he is only there for the dc. And are you going to wait 10-20 years for the dc to grow up, sitting alone in your flat whilst your friends have families, waiting for him to call? Or will he get bored with your nagging to leave her as you want a family and dump you for a younger model? He is being an arse even asking you to do that. If he gave a monkeys about you he wouldn't have slept with you and he would not spend time with you to allow you to find someone else. Please don't do that to yourself.

I also don't like the sound of your mates. A bf wouldn't say that imo. Have you known them long? Are they bf because of habit? Tbh, if they are all in settled relationships you need other single friends to go out with and do stuff with at weekends and holidays.

Could you expand your social circle by joining a club ( tennis?) or taking up Zumba or something? Or learning to skate or anything that takes you away from the places you go where these men I are- I suspect high end bars and clubs full of these types of men. You need the gastro pubs packed of singles in fulham or something ( I think you are in London?) Plus your own age and single fun status?

Text him, say you are busy and think when he has left his wife, sorted his divorce and had a year or freedom you might rethink.maybe. Unlikely, as he will be skint as she will have ( hopefully, the arse) all his money.

mummytime Fri 23-Nov-12 12:59:53

Your friend is studying psychology, not a soothsayer. She isn't your counsellor and has a lot of her own hang ups, do not rely on her judgement.

Get some proper counselling from some one with qualifications. Get out there and enjoy your life. Don't look for men or be desperate and you have far more chance of meeting a nice one.

ToffeeCaramel Fri 23-Nov-12 13:00:13

Yes if his story was bona fide and he had nothing to hide, he would have mentioned it on the first date. He has waited til you were hooked and suddenly you have discovered you are some bloke with a wife and kids' mistress!

Lovingfreedom Fri 23-Nov-12 13:08:49

They say there are only seven original plots in stories...and...surprise surprise...there are only seven bullshit plots that married men use to explain their relationships with their wives:

- We never have sex - she is frigid/ugly/in labour/not as sexy as you
- I couldn't leave her...she's too ill (good one this cos it makes you sound available and caring at the same time)
- We stay together for sake of the children (again, nice guy really then!)
- My wife doesn't understand me
- We have an open relationship - she's fine with it
- It doesn't make sense financially to get divorced
- What wife? I'm single...honestly

Anyone entering a relationship with a married man should expect to hear one of these or a variant thereof.

prettybird Fri 23-Nov-12 13:11:36

I had a friend who had an affair with someone at work. He was "separated but still living in the marital home for the sake of the youngest child who was about to go to secondary school" hmm

She even had a child by him, who he was actively involved in bringing up. I think her daughter was 12 before she finally accepted that she should stop waiting for him to leave his wife and make a commitment to her (and their daughter).

Run.

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 13:16:59

There is a name for this type of dysfunctional triangle, it is called the three legged stool, the OW are often codependant women who grew up with poor Father relationships if at all, at least OP you don't fit the OW profile of Spider Woman, now they are proper bitches.

startlife Fri 23-Nov-12 13:29:41

Look don't take your friend's comment as something that a solid statement, everyone changes, it's just requires insight and the will to change.

You are very young and seem to have a view about what success in life looks like. If you spend time on these boards you know that people in relationships can be very unhappy that certainly isn't a 'success'. Also your earlier 20's are a very different time to your late 20's. I really believe that adult group up after 27 or so.

If your friends are 'successful' now it won't always be that way.That's the benefit of being older we have that experience.

I get that you are lonely - work on that..don't use a man to fulfill that need.

PS Well done on breaking up with Mr Big Debt, that was a very sensible decision.

BrainSurgeon Fri 23-Nov-12 13:30:19

I agree with Fell on this one and I think OP is getting a bit of a harsh time here (I know, I know, tough love and all that...)

To me the simplest thing to do is to 'have a break' in your relationship until he sorts his family situation out. See where that takes you.

Oh and I do agree it never hurts to work on your self esteem wink

ArtfulAardvark Fri 23-Nov-12 13:37:46

I agree he is probably feeding you a line, his life is definately complex, do you need a man with all that baggage at your age?

Go out, join a club, get some girlfriends and stop looking for a man - you are 22 if you live till 85-90 thats a bloody long time to be with the same man grin

I didnt settle down until my 30s and my mum told my best friend (unhelpfully) that I was "desperate to meet someone" she couldnt have been more wrong - being on my own had its downs but also its ups - I was keen to meet the right person, there were a hell of a lot of men I rejected along the way for one reason or another.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 13:40:38

OP - dump him, he might be telling you the truth, but if he is, then it means he's a bit of an emotional fuckwit - they are already running two houses and he's not there in the week, so if he really is staying 'for the children' it really means "even though we've separated our finances, I'm not there in the week, we've done the emotional separation as a couple, but are just too scared to tell the children and our families the decisions we as two adults have taken."

So the best case senario - he's emotionally a bit of a child and you will always be second place to him saving face amongst his friends and family.

More likely, this "we are only staying for the children" would be news to his wife who just thinks she's married to a man who has to stay in London during the week for work, but comes home every weekend and they are very much still together.

If it was me, I'd say you need a few months alone completely, turn down invites for dates, don't just start looking for another long term relationship because that's what you think you need now, what you need is to get over your last boyfriend.

mirry2 Fri 23-Nov-12 13:42:01

If you continue with this man you will still be jealous of your friends successful relationships because yours will be going nowhere.

Seeing a man who goes home to wifey every weekend will end in tears for you.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 23-Nov-12 13:49:27

"the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit".........

A LITTLE BIT?!?!? Are you for real????!!!!!!!

One day you'll be on a relationship with children....you better hope your man is more decent than this one and that he doesn't meet a woman like you.

Do you really need advice to see what is going on???

Please do the decent thing and walk (no, make that run) away.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 13:49:59

OP - is your friend who anaylsed you the same age? 22, you said she studied psycology, not working in it? I would hazard a guess she's that most dangerous thing, someone who's studied a bit and thinks they now know it all!

You can not look at someone at your age (or younger if it wasn't recent she said that) and know how they will do career wise or romantically. Some of the people who seemed the most 'together' romantically when we graduated are now divorced, those who'd had a succession of doomed romances and dating traumas through uni, are in their 30s and happily settled.

prettybird Fri 23-Nov-12 14:21:28

BTW - as a bit of anecdotal evidence - I met my (now) dh when I was 31.

That was the year that I finally stopped looking for and being worried about the lack of a boyfriend.

I had broken up with a serious boyfriend the year before and was then worried about whether I'd ever have a serious boyfriend .

Interestingly, once I stopped worrying and started being comfortable with being on my own and having fun with friends, I then had about three "expressions of interest" within a period of about a month - none of them that I was interested in following up on I was having too much fun wink

It was a few months later that I met (now) dh and got to know him as a friend first, before he became my boyfriend smile

pictish Fri 23-Nov-12 14:26:20

I like him, but the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit.

Are you having a laugh? Seriously...are you?

OP, I was in a similar situation to you when I was 18, it doesn't end well. I'm 26 now and I still struggle with what I did to that shitbags wife and children. It's left me paranoid and although I am now married with two children, having a fling with a married man really fucks you up.

There's nice men out there but take time to find who you are. And to love YOURSELF. When you do that, you will find it easier to find someone who truly loves you, not someone who wants a cheap and quick fuck. You're worth more than that.

quietlysuggests Fri 23-Nov-12 15:31:18

the whole wife and kids thing... I mean otherwise hes perfect right?
the whole wife and kids thing... just an inconvenience right, I mean it couldn't be a stupid selfish bitch shagging a married man? Oh no, this is different.

expatinscotland Fri 23-Nov-12 16:01:08

Gees, when I was 22 I'd have run a mile from any man who had two kids, much less was married.

OP, please, please give yourself some space and start having an affair with yourself! You're worth more than tossers.

He's not seperated. He's still married in every sense of the word. Or has that been pointed out to you now?

Sorry - guilt of heinous sin of not reading whole thread.

pausingforbreath Fri 23-Nov-12 16:15:40

If he is married in any context ( ie: a happy marriage or a unhappy one) - he is someone else's husband, not your 'boyfriend'. That makes you not his 'girlfriend' but at best his 'mistress' or 'other woman'.
If that description sits comfortably with you and all the implications, baggage and stress that goes with it only you know.

If you want to be in a relationship with a man who is open and honest with you from the word go- he isn't it.' I'm married with 2 kids ' should of been clear up front. Ego made him think he would make you fall for him a bit, then when he told you, the lies / deceit ( towards his family)would matter as little to you as they do him.

He's kidding himself as well as you, if he didn't realise that was a big omission. His poor wife won't have a clue how he describes their relationship to others either.

I would run , run, run before I allowed myself to be undervalued by myself and your 'boyfriend' .....

MrsjREwing Fri 23-Nov-12 16:22:47

Expatinscotland has a point, have an affair with yourself, love yourself, enjoy your company, go out of your way to do nice things for you.

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 16:34:35

Incidentally, if all your mates are also in their early 20s and all think that because they've got a boyfriend now their relationship life is now sorted forever, I've got news for them.

homeofhelp Fri 23-Nov-12 16:37:53

he has a flat which he uses but at the weekend he is in surrey? they are together for the sake of the children? it doesn't make scenes to me i would run a mile to be honest. also staying together for the children is not healthy at all. but i think they are still together and he uses his flat for other woman so he isn't lonely in the week then at the weekend goes to his family who think he is perfect and probably tells his wife how much he has missed her and loves her and takes her presents.

you will probably not be able to talk to the wife. "oh you don't want to do that." "she is busy tonight." "she doesn't answer her phone after a certain time." "lets go out or do something else" you get the idea. why would they be together for the sake of the children when he has a flat? maybe his wife doesn't know about the flat.

I hate to be defined by having a man in my life. I love independence. I have never understood Velcro couples, and i do have a good friend like that. I remember being frustrated that being in a couple seemed to just stop her from still being her, on her own. If i was constantly with someone all the time it would send me mad, i like breathing space. Hopefully you can sort out nights out with your friends and they can spend time with you, days out etc

Enjoy your freedom now. Take up new interests and meet new people. Do not go rushing headlong into another disaster. He is with his wife and family at the weekends, make no mistake. And she probably knows nothing about you.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 23-Nov-12 16:45:14

Do you want to be a step mum at 22? How much older are you than his children?

You are nieve - grow up and fast.

RabidCarrot Fri 23-Nov-12 16:54:07

run

LittleMissStroppy Fri 23-Nov-12 21:52:37

Hey

I was in your position years ago. Met a man, told me he was seperated from his wife but not divorced because it didnt make "business sense". He said if they got divorced, she would want 20mill and he would have to sell his business to afford to pay her that. He didnt want to lose the business because he built it up from when he was 19 years old. We even lived together for a year in London while I did my masters....head fuck or what???? Early this year, his supposedly seperated wife found out we have a 3 yo son and went ballistic, filed for divorce and I'm stuck in a shitty court case now.

Think.....if they were really seperated....why would she go ballistic and file for divorce just because she discovered we have a child?

Unless he is DIVORCED, has a DECREE NISI or whatever - tread with caution.

Good Luck.

DorsetKnob Fri 23-Nov-12 21:54:41

You should be getting very fit with all this running you are doing.

LittleMissStroppy Fri 23-Nov-12 22:00:36

...Decree Absolute, I meant.....

WildWorld2004 Fri 23-Nov-12 22:25:19

The only thing i can say is at least you found out about his wife (not ex wife) and children a few weeks into it rather than years down the line when you are pregnant with his child & wondering why you cant have family time at the weekends.

SundaysGirl Fri 23-Nov-12 23:11:36

Oh for gods sake. You are TWO months out of a relationship with someone you planned to MARRY.

Thats barely enough time to get your head around that, let alone start something new.

Stop getting all your validation out of being with someone, you'll only end up with dickheads (because, erm, non dicks tend to like people with a healthy sense of self-worth) like this married twat and feel even worse about yourself.

Also it's really pathetic.

Go to counselling if you feel you need a man to feel good about yourself.

Bloody hell.

Abitwobblynow Sat 24-Nov-12 11:37:53

Little Miss Stroppy - I'm intreagued! How did he react when you said you were pregnant? Was he thrilled? Was he there at the birth? Was he living with you as a partner? What is/was he like as a father?

How did the wife find out? How did he react when his wife found out?

I mean, how did he managed the two lives? Was he a very clever liar? Or did you close your eyes to certain things?

ladymariner Sat 24-Nov-12 15:28:52

What a load of crap.....he's got a flat, he doesn't need to live with his wife. And how convenient that its at the weekend when, presumably, he isn't at work...run and don't look back op!

Alittlestranger Sat 24-Nov-12 15:46:20

Pull yourself together, seriously. Stop comparing yourself to your friends, you do realise don't you that most of these apparently happy couples will not last the distance? People rarely settle down in their early 20s now thank god.

You've -accidentally-- become a mistress. And just a few weeks after breaking up with your fiancee. If your friends were actually supportive they'd ditch the Rosie Lee crap and point out what everyone on this thread is saying.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 24-Nov-12 16:02:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissStroppy Sat 24-Nov-12 19:31:30

Abitwobblynow,

We shouldnt hijack this thread but quick response - he was happy, happier than me infact and convinced me to give up work saying he would take care of both of the baby and I. He was at the birth...I had a CS and he was there all the way through. We were practically living together and he was - still is- a great Dad to our son. We broke up because he wouldnt commit and I wanted "normalcy" for my son. The wife/ex/whatever found out via Facebook - apparently I had "liked" his company page - she checked out my profile and saw pics of my son with his Dad...and all hell broke loose. How did he react? He slashed our maintenance / child support, told her he wasnt supporting us and I had to involve solicitors.

Did I close my eyes to certain things? I dont think I did. I believed him when he said he was seperated, had been for 5 years, didnt want a divorce because he couldnt afford to pay his wife half the company's worth bla bla bla. I'd been to his house in the country for weekends and there was no sign of a woman and he stayed with us in London for long stretches - only travelling to check up on the factory. I'd met all his friends and their spouses - no one mentioned the wife as ex or current.

I'd give anything to find out why he didnt tell his wife/ex about me or our son.

Apologies for hijacking this thread.

MrsjREwing Sat 24-Nov-12 19:54:16

He had selfserving friends, fancy socialising with the wife and mistress of your mate and thinking it was ok shock

StuntGirl Sat 24-Nov-12 20:21:12

Good god woman what is wrong with you?

"the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit"

It should be making you run screaming for the hills because you have morals and self esteem...oh wait.

Run OP. Run.

Viviennemary Sat 24-Nov-12 20:32:48

Good heavens. I can't believe men are still spinning those tales and women are still believing them. In this day and age. Sorry to be harsh but really!!!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:23

"he was - still is- a great Dad to our son".
"He slashed our maintenance / child support, told her he wasnt supporting us and I had to involve solicitors"

hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 24-Nov-12 23:11:05

LittleMiss - I'm sorry but you are delusional. He cannot possibly be a great Dad when he setting such a dreadful example of deceit and utterly selfish behaviour - and look how he reacted to being found out.
He didn't 'mention' you to his wife, because they were not separated. He lied to you, because you were just his mistress, his extra, and not to be respected.

LittleMissStroppy Sun 25-Nov-12 02:40:10

Last 2 posters^

This isnt my thread. I started a thread but didnt get any response so I wont elaborate on my issue here. But FWIW, I meant great Dad in terms of providing for his son financially even if it is now court imposed, and seeing him everyforthnight. AND 2006 - 2008, we were together 24-7 in an apartment in London, as a couple. He admitted upfront he was NOT divorced, but seperated and I believed him. IF he was indeed married for all those periods, then he was/is just a master decietful head fucker and I was extremely gullible. Tiny question, what wife would allow her DH to go awol for 2 years? 48 whole months? That's what I keep asking myself.

rosiesmartypants Sun 25-Nov-12 02:47:37

Sounds like a big, fat liar to me....wants to have his cake and eat it, and what a fabulous way to manage that having 2 properties on the go, to keep his 2 seperate lives apart....

....run fast OP, and find someone that deserves you!

ToffeeCaramel Sun 25-Nov-12 10:58:29

Seeing a child every fortnight and paying what the court makes him pay doesn't make someone a great dad.

Viviennemary Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:48

Can't believe that anybody would think just paying towards maintenance makes somebody a great Dad. If you think that you simply have no idea of the meaning of the word Dad.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Sun 25-Nov-12 12:00:31

Maybe he said he was working aborad for two years with his own company?

Have you asked his wife - your son's stepmother what he told her?

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