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partner has left im pregnant

(73 Posts)
Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:55:25

Would love some advice im so low at the moment.
I am 31 and a mum to 5 children (3 from a previous relationship) and I am currently pregnant with number 6. The pregnancy wasnt planned, I was on the pill but had a stomach bug around time I conceived. Partner wanted me to have an abortion and to a point bullied me,I gave in and made an appointment but when I got there I couldnt do jt. Fast forward im now 21 weeks. Partner wasnt very supportive wouldnt attend scans with me always made an excuse ie work etc. I booked a private scan at a time he couldnt get out of and he came though he had no interest in being there. Once he saw the baby he mellowed and even took me looking at prams afterwards. That was 5 weeks ago. He has been picking arguments always going out to the gym called me fat and ugly on a few occasions when I have asked what the lack of affection was about. Last tuesday he picked an argument and walked out on me and the children. On thursday night I was in a lot of pain and started to bleed.. Rang and asked him to take me to hospital he refused. He wouldnt even come watch the children. A neighbour watched them for me. I had to stay in. Scan showed I suffered a partial placental abruption. I again tried to call him as did hospital he ignored us all. I had no one to mind children so against doctors advice i discharged myself. On friday my Grandma died. He hasnt asked how I was until yesterday. He the told me he wished baby had died. He said he left because i nag a lot (probably true but he does nothing in house) and that he is never coming back. I asked about children when he wanted them and that we needed financial support he refused. This is out of character he has totally changed. I have wondered if there is someone else. I feel so down and heartbroken. How can he just do all this without even trying to make things work. Any advice? sorry its so long

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 20-Nov-12 11:07:00

Good grief I don't know where to start with this 'man'.

I think you need to start to plan your future without him.

He didn't care you were in hospital
He wouldn't come see his own children
He doesn't want to contribute to his own children.
He wished your baby dead shock
He calls you names.
He does nothing to help you.

Honestly OP, I know at the moment it all feels horrendous but read the above, I think your life might be nicer & happier without him

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:16:52

I know. If it wasnt such a sudden change I would understand more. He is hard working was great with all my children and a lovely caring person. This is not like him. We have been together 6 years. Im just trying to look after myself and my children its just really difficult when im not 100 percent and feel ill constantly.Had problems all way through pregnancy. Low blood pressure and fainting still being sick every day even though im 21 weeks the placental abruption i also have spd so even walking is painful. I feel very let down by him. He see's no problem with his behaviour.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 11:20:50

How can he just do all this without even trying to make things work? As it comes very easily to some you're best advised to order your affairs to take account of his absence because it doesn't sound as if he'll be back in the near future.

What have the medics prescribed? Should you be on bedrest? Do you have relatives/friends who will rally round and help care for the dc if/when you are unable to?

How are you managing financially? Have you claimed benefits and intitiated a claim for child support through the CSA?

Is your home rented or mortgaged? Is it in joint names?

Time will reveal if he has an ow tucked away somewhere. If he has, heave a sigh of relief that this waste of space has been taken off your hands and get on with creating the best possible future for yourself and your dc.

PeppermintPasty Tue 20-Nov-12 11:24:42

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

When exactly did he change for the worse? From everything you've said about him he sounds like he's been horrible to you for a long time sad Bullying you to have an abortion 5 or so months ago? Calling you names, not caring about your health or the children. He sounds like someone you would be better off without. Have you got other support, family or friends that can help you?

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:18

The only family i have is my grandma and she is almost 70. My mum left me when I was 6 weeks old so have no mum to speak of. My great grandma died last week. The house is mine. I had it before we met. I dont really want to go down the csa route but i will if i have to. I have a friend who is doing what she can. Other than that i am alone. I called his mum but she didnt seem bothered and took the side of her son saying i must kf done something to make him behave like this. I should be on total bedrest but as I dont have the help to enable me to do that i cant. Im trying to balance the needs or my children with them of my unborn son. I am doing the bare minimum washing getting them to bed getting them to school and cooking simple quick meals and resting as much as i can inbetween. I have had to let the house work slide. The kids are helping when they can. The only thing he has called for is to ask if he can have his xbox back. He has been nasty on and off for 5 months. It wasnt constantly but spread out he seemed to flit between wanting the baby and resenting it.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:24:39

Aw, what a great shame his xbox jumped out of your hands and leapt into the lavatory. Never mind. Dry it out and wrap it up and, with luck, he'll never know smile

This is a time to muddle along as best you can without overexerting yourself. How old are your dc? Microwave meals and opportunities for a bit of mayhem while dm's resting? That'll be fun for them.

Put your feet up as much possible and get the CSA on to him sooner rather than later

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:44

My eldest son is 13 and autistic it has hit him very hard as he hates change. My daughter is 8 my son is 6 then we have 4 year old and 3 year old sons. I thought about giving him the xbox back in pieces but im trying to be the better person and give him no reason for his disgusting behaviour!

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:57:41

You are being amazingly restrained, honey - other women would have put his xbox up in a place where the sun don't shine.

Having him come to your home to collect the damn thing can only cause upset. I suggest you parcel it up, mark it 'fragile' and 'do not drop' and trust Royal Mail to deliver it in pieces.

It occurs to me there may be mumsnetters near you who'd be willing to lend a hand/help you out. Have you got a NEW Local for your area?

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 20-Nov-12 13:00:09

work out how much money you need from him just now then tell him he can have his xbox back at that cost. He is behaving like a child!

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:33:51

I told him he was disgusting and that he sb
should be ashamed of himself. He asked his mother to help out with his children whilst I was ill she lives 300 miles away and would want to take my 2 youngest down south where she lives. ( I dont trust her tbh) I told both of them that they was his children and he should be the one looking after them he accused me of verbally abusing him and telling him how awful he was so he would come back.

Your going through a lot :-(. I agree with Izzy, your taking thus amazingly... I would if probably smashed it for stress relief!

How irresponsible leaving like that and then not supporting you when you needed him. Especially when you have an Autisitic child! Your very brave... as for his mum taking his side, he's probably twisted things and made it out to be you, she will obviously believe him..

Hope everything turns out Ok for you, maybe you should start going to pregnancy/ mums groups? Surestart do them.. you'll meet lots of new people who can support you. X

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 23:21:34

I can understand he was worried about having another baby. . But lets be fair I didnt make it by myself. If he was scared of having it when there was two of us I think he is a coward to let me deal with it all alone. I keep feeling angry, sorry for myself, sorry for him wondering on earth im going to do this. The last baby I had he worked away so was furious he couldnt attend scans or appointments and missed out on kicks appointments etc this time he had the chance to do it all and chose to do non of it. I cant help but feel he will be sorry that he missed out. Do I try to include him in the pregnancy even if we are not together? Do I invite him to scans let him attend the birth let him with name choosing? My head is a mess with it all.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 23:48:35

From what you've said, he's been singularly uninvolved throughout and I dont see how you can include someone who's not around in what's occurring on a a daily basis.

Concentrate on yourself and the dc and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone who's in a position to take care of some of the daily chores for you.

Stressed81 Tue 20-Nov-12 23:59:58

Thanks for the input he has a habit of blaming me for everything that goes wrong. I thought by trying to involve him and at least asking that he would have nothing to use against me down the line. I know its his loss and he will regret it one day. I dont want him as a role model for my children, I might not be perfect but i will always be there for them.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 21-Nov-12 00:17:03

Oh gosh you poor love xxx
What a f*cking arse. Like you say it takes two to make a baby, I'm not anti abortion in the slightest but if there's ANY doubt its something you shouldn't go through with, and he should have respected that and supported you and the kids, not bugger off like a 12 year old. Like the others have said try and rest up as best you can. Xxxx

izzyizin Wed 21-Nov-12 00:17:09

When did you last see/speak to him?

Has he taken any of his belongings or suggested that he may come and collect them? Do you have a garage or garden shed you could put his possessions in?

lisad123 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:31:18

Is the father of your other children able to help at all?

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 08:39:53

I have asked him about getting the rest of his things... There is so much stuff a drum set huge whiskey collection that he doesnt drink just collects furniture that I never wanted just had because it was his. He also has a car on my drive that is sorn and a filing cabinet full of documents. He says he doesnt have the room for any more of his things so will get them when he is ready. If I say anything im being an unreasonabke bit*h.I have asked when he is having the children where will he have them and I get no answer he thinks he can pop in for 5 minutes here and there and i should be ok with that im not. It would hurt too much to see him acting like he has no care in the world! I do have a shed well an outhouse I have asked for box's to be dropped off so i can pack his things and they can be locked safely until he can collect. The father of my other children doesnt see his children. He was violent towards us all and a judge ruled he was a danger to them they havent seen him in over 6 years.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 12:18:42

Hi there, sorry you are having such a shit time. I always bang on about them, but do you have a Sure Start Childrens Centre near you? They have home visitors, who will come and help you with practical things. They can also provide lots of other support, like counselling and advice on benefits, tax credits etc. If you don't have one, then ask your doctor, or Health Visitor , or Midwife, if there is anybody that can help.

If the SPD is bad enough, would you qualify for any disability benefits temporarily? This might give you some money to pay a cleaner, or somebody to cook some meals or help you with the kids in the morning?

I was very sick for the first 20 odd weeks of my pregnancy and then had SPD so bad I could barely walk, so I totally understand the pain you have with that. It is agonising and people only understand it if they have been through it...

Are there any other mums at the school who you could ask for help, doing school runs, or having kids after school for tea etc? Its surprising how people will help in a time of need, even if you dont know them very well.

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 14:30:14

The spd is awful. I almost feel like one of my legs is shorter than the other. Getting out of bed in a morning is awful. I struggle to walk without the pram and the pain is so bad some days I could cry. I have a support belt but it doesnt help much.

My children go to school 2 miles away as i couldnt get them in school closer when we moved here. That was the next closest. As a result non of my neighbours children go to the same school as mine.. And non of the children from their school live as far as we do. I live in a village we do have a sure start centre but they had so many funding cuts that they dont offer too much these days. Me and the children used to attend a lot.. They even cut the coffee morning. They have been quite helpful they have secured 2 year old funding for my son and got him in nursery.
The friend who has been helping out works in the sure start centre. She did some shopping for me yesterday and brought me some pregnancy vitamins. She texts each day to ask how i am.
Ex has been in contact by text but hasnt once asked how I or the baby are. Today he asked to ask me if he could have the kitchen scales! One reason I think he has met someone else is because he went on a diet started going to the gym buying himself clothes making more of an effort. He used to always call on his lunch break to see how my day was going how the children were. Then he stopped and one day he sent me a text saying "get me a ham salad cob please x" obviously meant for someone else. If he is seeing someone from work she wont know that im pregnant as he hasnt told anyone even his boss. He also hasnt told any of his friends im 21 weeks ffs!

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 14:56:42

I think you may be right to consider that there is somebody else... sadly all of his behaviour does point to somebody else being on the scene. He is being nasty because you keeping the baby is going to "ruin his life". that is the usual story....

Is there a school bus that your kids could get on to? You could contact the local council and ask them.

Are you on any medication for the SPD? I didnt like to take too much, but the doctor reassured me that Paracetamol and CoDydramol were both ok for the baby. SPD tips, keep your legs together at all times, as much as possible, getting in and out of cars etc.... Sleep with as many pillows as you can to support your body in a comfortable position. But I know how bad it is, I used to cry with pain every day nearer the end and just wanted the baby out... Can you use crutches to get around at all? Have you seen a physio? some can be really helpful with SPD.

Regarding the ex, try and stay detached from him as much as possible. Don't let him get to you, don't let him take anything, if he wants it he can buy it for himself now. Contact the tax credit office, the council tax office, tell them that you are on your own now. I am not sure whether to suggest it or not, but if you really have nobody else to help you, would social services be able to help? You will have to go into hospital at some point and you will need to know that your children are being looked after.

Your ex has a duty to maintain his children. if he wont pay you, then get the CSA involved asap.

I would also box up all his stuff and leave it outside and tell him the time and day that you are going to do so and that he is responsible for collecting it. It is not your problem if he has nowhere to store it...... He needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions.....

Please look after yourself and keep posting here, you will get good support..

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 15:07:23

Social services have been nothing short of useless in the past ( have asked for help with autistic son and they was clueless)
I know what you mean about him probably having someone else. I have no proof but it adds up. My consultant has been quite good and said that I can be induced at 38 weeks to enable me to find someone to mind children and be allowed to go home 3 hours after baby is born as long as we are both well. As im on baby 6 they say im at high risk of bleeding and because i have very quick labours 35 minutes being the longest its safer for me to be started off.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 17:42:32

sorry to hear that, racking my brains for ways to find support for you. which part of the country do you live in? a vague county area will do...

At least the hospital are being supportive and you can make arrangements there which is good

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 18:10:06

I live in the northwest. Wigan warrington manchester bolton st helens are all close by. I appreciate everyones input.

crabbyoldbat Wed 21-Nov-12 18:14:24

Although this may not be urgent right now, before handing over his 'filing cabinet full of documents' I suggest you have a good root through and take copies of anything that might have a bearing on his (any your) income - payslips, bank statements, savings details etc. Just in case you need it later.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 20:30:38

Yes, good point, I did that.

When it came to mediation and XH didn't know anything about anything I could tell him what he had ....

Stressed81 Wed 21-Nov-12 20:36:15

We didnt really have any shared bills etc. He pays some I pay the others. He seems in no rush to pick his things up or transfer the virgin tv internet phone thats in his name to mine, Or change his adress with the bank.

Personally tonight I am really struggling have spent most of the night crying. I am so angry I am in this position I feel like I have been totally abandoned. From the texts he sends he is angry with me! Im not sure what I have done to deserve it.
The baby is very active tonight and I am so upset that he is missing it, I feel sorry for the baby he didnt ask to be brought into all of this. I feel like I am to blame.
My autistic soon is struggling so bad-again I feel like its my fault.
The children keep crying for daddy! I feel guilty.
The person who should feel guilty is probably sat guilt free enjoying his life. Really is unfair sad

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 23:14:34

Hugs for you. It is hard. I still sit and cry sometimes at how bloody unfair it all is... But I'm happy most of the time...

It will come to you in time. It's such early days for you still.

LouP19 Thu 22-Nov-12 10:00:25

Stressed, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My situation is similar to yours - my H walked out in August, I since discovered I'm pregnant. So I'm also facing it alone, although I don't have any other children. I'm 22 weeks, so at a similar stage to you.

Just to reiterate what others have said - use this board as much as possible to vent and gain information. It was and has been unvaluable to me during the last few weeks and months - full of emotional reassurance and practical tips on what you can do to protect yourself and your children. So many people on here have helped me through such a difficult time, and I'm sure they will do for you.

Take care of yourself, you sound very brave, and I know you will be ok. thanks

Stressed81 Thu 22-Nov-12 17:16:04

How are you getting on now lou? Does the pain ease? Is you baby's dad being supportive attending scans will he be at the birth? I dont know how I am supposed to deal with being pregnant with a baby that the father doesnt want. Its out of character for him to do what he has done and despite the fact he has really hurt me I dont want him to keep making mistakes that will affect him and my son.
He has been on a diet (even though he is quite slim) and he looks ill. His face is drawn and he has big black rings arounds his eyes. I asked him to rethink his diet and was told Im just jealous!
Im being accussed of so many things. Our youngest son was crying for his daddy so i asked him to speak to him on the phone he said that I hit him so that he would cry for him so he felt guilty and would come running back. How sad does he think I am?

captainmummy Thu 22-Nov-12 18:06:05

God, stressed - Is it out of character? I can't beleive someone would say such things to the mother of his child (or abandon his other children either) - is he on drugs? Medication? What would make him behave like this? I think you are right, there prob is another, fancy-free woman on his scene, but even so....

You do sound better off without him, even with the spd and 6 children - at least you will know what's going on and when you are settled into it, it will get better.

Sorry for your dc, crying for daddy. They are very adaptive (i know, it's trite) but if dp's gone, it's one less thing to worry about. Concentrate on yourself, your dc, your pregnancy, your life.

Stressed81 Thu 22-Nov-12 19:40:59

He gave up smoking. He had champix but as far as i am aware he isnt on that now. He isnt on drugs and he doesnt drink. He is a perfect peter. He thinks he is too good for me always has. He is from quite a well to do family and is very opinionated- all the time I have been with him he has not once said sorry-never he thinks he is always right. He has always looked at porn online to the point it affected our relationship. I would say if there was such a thing as a sex addict (i know doctors cant agree if its an addiction or not) then he is one.
Thats what first made me think he was seeing someone else as we have always had lots of sex and it dwindled down to nothing. That the gym diet smoking new clothes random text. I actually asked him straight out about 5 weeks ago which is when he said no its because you fat ugly and pregnant with a baby I dont want why would I fancy you? That really hurt.
He still hasnt picked his things up. He has said he never wants to get back together but he is acting strange.
I need a new living room door he text me this morning asking me to find one but that he wanted one with frosted glass? ?? I mean what he isnt even here-why does he care what the door is like and that he wanted a handle to match all the other door handles
Then he starts sending me links to christmas trees asking which I would like him to get.. Saying that it was a hundred pounds but we normally get a real one so it will pay for itself in 2 years! Someone explain his erratic behaviour - and he says i am mental

mummytime Thu 22-Nov-12 20:17:13

If he is going to the gym a lot it could be a) he is replacing that as his addiction and/or b) he is taking steroids (far more common than you might think.

Do take copies of all his financial details, so you can fight if he tries to not support his children.

Stressed81 Thu 22-Nov-12 20:22:02

All of his wage slips are in the filing cabinet i taken copies today. He takes home 3k a month and so far he is refusing to give me a penny. I doubt he is on steroids as he looks so frail and ill. Maybe right that he has an addictive personality

LouP19 Thu 22-Nov-12 20:25:29

Hi Stressed. I will be facing this pregnancy alone, although I have a good RL support network. He sent me a text asking for the baby to be aborted back in August. We'd been trying to conceive for 3 years, latterly attending a fertility clinic.

Re: the pain. First few weeks were horrible. But it settles. And I have to say anger has been very positive for me. I've always felt very angry with him, more than upset, simply because I can usually channel anger into something (even if it's only giving the kitchen a really good clean!). Yes, there have been down days, and if I'm honest I still walk around the house chuntering to someone imaginery about what a shit he's been ( confused ), but ultimately I'm still standing and I'm ok. Obviously, my situation is a bit different to yours, but one thing I think you'll find is that you have an inner strength that you didn't know about. There will be crap days, but there will also be good days. And you need to stay strong for your children and the baby growing inside your tummy, which I'm sure you will. smile

captainmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 13:02:24

Stressed - have you had any legal advice? he can't just leave you without anything. I agree he sounds a bit un-hinged - talking about never coming back then demanding a certain xmas tree - so I'd suggest you get some advice straight away.

Assume he is not coming back - and to be honest it sounds like you'd be better off if he didn't. Sex addiction? No, he just can't see why he shouldn't have sex. He says such awful things; I'd have chucked him out long ago if he'd called me fat and ugly. Honestly it is better to live alone that to listen to that sort of agression. You don't need to, you can do it all yourself.

One thing tho - you say he looks gaunt and ill/black circles under the eyes. Are you sure he's not on drugs? He takes home 3K a month - can you see where it all goes?

Stressed81 Fri 23-Nov-12 13:20:27

I honestly dont think he is on anything. He is very anti drugs and i dont believe he would take them. Not had legal advice as we wasnt married as far as i know csa is the only route to go down. I thought the tree n doors was a way to have a little control over me. Like he doesnt want me but still wants to tell me what i should and shouldnt be doing.

captainmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 14:40:46

You not being married is not important legally - if you were living together and he is named as the father on the dc birth certs. Honestly, get legal advice - post on the legal boards here for starters at least. He cannot just up and leave his responsibilities behind, whether he wants to or not. He has 2 (for now) children, he has to provide for them, whether he wants to or not. The fact that he wanted you to have an abortion is neither here nor there. The fac that he thinks he is too good for you and from a well-to-do family is neither here nor there.

Incidentally, what does his well-to-do mother think of him just abandoning his kids? What does she think of his appalling treatment of you?

The drugs thing - you think he is ill tho? He looks 'frail, ill' - your words. Would it be possible to talk to a doctor about depression? The stopping smoking is prob not related, it's stressful and twitch-making but it wouldn't result in such awful behaviour.

Read some of the other threads on here about DPs who just up and leave. They are sometimes depressing (and depressingly similar) but also uplifting and inspirational.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 23-Nov-12 15:11:33

Catching this thread late, what a dreadful time you've been having. So sorry about your Great Grandma too.

It takes two to make a baby, unplanned or not. His behaviour stinks. Very often the speed with which this happens makes a person left behind question whether there is some medical reason behind such "out of character" unkindness, detachment and selfish-arseyitis.

It does sound likely he has OW already or at the very least lined up. Heartless just to parachute out of the whole situation - yet as you say, he still wants to jerk your chain now and then over superficialities. Good idea from captainmummy regarding posting on Legal.

No surprise about his mother's attitude, sorry but I wouldn't put it past him to have painted a poor picture of life with you to his family and friends/colleagues. Once things descend to name calling and fault finding, there's usually a fair bit of history rewriting happening too so he puts himself in a better light (!) for walking out on you and DCs.

Glad you have a good friend locally, keep posting here the valuable advice from people who have endured similar is inspirational.

Stressed81 Fri 23-Nov-12 16:22:58

I think the him looking ill is to do with his diet he is under 11 stone and 5ft9 so he doesnt need to lose weight!
Yes he has always painted me out to be far worse than i am. His mother has lost all the respect I had for her.
Im struggling with a few issues. He has hardly seen the children in the 10 days he has been gone. He thinks he can show up for 10 minutes after work and then leave again. Our 4 year old wouldnt speak to him yesterday. He says between work and the gym he doesnt have time to have them. Where he is living isnt suitable (house share) I know I cant force him to have the children but its really upsetting them.
Then the baby I am having.. He hasnt said if he wants to attend the birth but after everything he has done I dont feel he deserves to be there... Why should I do all the hard work for him to get the nice bit at the end. The name.. We couldnt agree on one when we was together so do I let him help choose or should i pick a name i like? .
Also birth certificate and last name... At the moment I dont want the baby having his name or any parental rights... Or am I being petty because Im hurt ? One thing aftet another

captainmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 16:51:30

If you are not married then I don't think you have to put his name on the brith cert, but that might mean problems financially later. No you can't force him to see the dc; his loss. He will still have to provide for them regardless. Kids are adaptable; it's sad but they will survive, they have you. They will get used to him not being there. Again, his loss.

It's up to you if you want him at the birth. Entirely your decision. You're only 21 weeks, so plenty of time to get to that stage.

In the meantime, you need to thnk about how and where you are going to live, how much he will provide financially, what childcare you need. Assume he will do and pay the least possible.

And get to a CAB or solicitor!

Stressed81 Fri 23-Nov-12 16:59:48

The house is mine I had it before we met. At least I dont have that to worry about.
No I dont have to put his name on birth certificate our other 2 he is on there but he didnt walk out on me pregnant with them. Just will be a bit strange I guess having the 2 with his surname and this one with mine.Your right in that i have a long time to decide whats for the best.

izzyizin Fri 23-Nov-12 17:06:11

If you're not married you can't name him as father unless he attends the Registry Office with you and gives his consent to be named on the birth certificate.

Stressed81 Fri 23-Nov-12 17:09:04

Yes I know but he will want baby to have his surname despite all he has done i dont think he deserves it. As i said am i being petty because im hurt sad

xmasevebundle Fri 23-Nov-12 19:18:48

If you dont want the baby to have his surename dont

Even if you put his last name he has no rights. You can have the babys name same as yours.

He cant be put on the BC unless he attends with you.

captainmummy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:23:09

Possibly, you are hitting out at him in the only way you can. Don't worry about it too much now.

At least you don't have the problem of where you are all going to live. You and the dc will stay in your house. Now you need to know how much you will have to live on - the CSA will help there.

And personally I think you will be so much happier without the stress of him, his insults and hurtful comments, his stroppiness, his non-help.

How are you feeling about him leaving, now? Now that the initial pain and shock has worn off?

Stressed81 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:40:24

Im very up and down. I feel lonely when the children are in bed and im alone.
He was supposed to be taking children out for tea and spending some time with them. He didnt show up. Until that I have tried to be dignified and take the moral high ground. I let rip told him I was sick of his shit that he was sick for letting his children suffer,that I am pissed off with looking at his crap all over the house and that I would contact the csa.
He responds with.... You losing your temper proves me right for leaving you (and believe it or not I wish I wasnt) That he wouldnt becoming for them and it was all my fault.

I cant believe the games he is playing. Its almost like he wants me to beg him to come back that i will do as im told from now on and feel im lucky to have him. Starting to wonder if the doors and tree also played a part. . Ie he had what he wanted incase he decided to come back. He obviously thinks the ball is in his court and he can do what he wants. Not this time.
I dont think I need to worry about him being involved with baby.. He hasnt told work im pregnant and only has 3 weeks left to book paternity leave (i think he is seeing ow at work and she would find out) He told me earlier he isnt bothering booking any so he obviously doesnt want to be a part of it.

I have decided to cut contact for now.

Mobly Fri 23-Nov-12 19:48:57

Please contact the CSA asap, they don't backdate payments and you will regret it later if you don't.

Mobly Fri 23-Nov-12 19:50:58

Then, as hard as it is, just focus on your children & yourself to get you through this pregnancy.

captainmummy Sat 24-Nov-12 10:54:36

Cut contact sounds good, stressed - in fact you seem to be dealing with it remarkably well! Don't be lonely - post on here in the evenings!

You're right, he's playing 'the game'. 'It's all your fault' - well, he's following the script. He wants to have an 'excuse' for leaving his you and dc, so has to find fault somewhere, anywhere. You can't force him to see the dc. You can't force them to want to see him.

Honestly - read some of the threads of other women, left with dc, left pregnant, left in debt. The bastard DPs in all of those follow the same pattern. Blame the missus, dump the kids, live the high old life. They have no idea what they are chucking away.

Karma normally bites them in the bum, soon enough.

My favourite comment from one such 'scorned' wife - 'I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold!'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Nov-12 11:30:54

Someone who posted on Relationships often remarked that her ex who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery and then accused her of being bossy, would resist any attempt on her part to put in place reasonable arrangements when sorting out access and parenting of their DC by calling her "pathetic and ridiculous".

It's like they are holding up a mirror, calling you names that apply to themselves. Easy for me sitting here to say, don't rise to the bait. You are holding the family together, ignore his efforts to belittle you, stick to the practicalities.

PS Go through a baby name book and pick one you like, why would he get any say in a baby's name when he wanted you to abort?

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 11:33:50

I agree that he is making excuses for walking out. I also feel like he is trying to teach me a lesson and wants things his way even now incase he ever decides he wants to come back.
I have been up all night with my 4 year old with a high temp and screaming in pain with earache I am exhausted. I just feel its so unfair. I have no idea how he sleeps at night sad
I am 22 weeks now and weigh 8kg less than I did at 7 weeks booking appointment. ( im big anyway) but I find it worrying. I am still suffering with morning sickness ( he says i do it on purpose despite the fact he has seen me be sick just because of a smell) and with everything thats happened i have zero appetite.( again its my fault). Im doing the best I can in the circumstance I am in.

RalphGnu Sat 24-Nov-12 11:41:14

Completely shock on your behalf.

Don't really have any advice to give you, but do have a hug. (( ))

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Nov-12 11:47:17

angry Remember this moment next time he strolls round to see his children for 10 minutes however pale or underweight (baggy clothes? late nights shagging?) he may look.

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 11:58:57

I feel like going mad every time i see him..(which thankfully isnt often) That would just play into his hands though. I need to get myself sorted and stop moping ... I keep thinking tomorrow i will wake up stronger and not be bothered but its like ground hog day sad

captainmummy Sat 24-Nov-12 12:11:26

Stressed- you are so strong, you know it. You are there for your children, you are growing a tiny baby, - it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! He is a arse.

Im doing the best I can in the circumstance I am in. - you are doing more than that. Remember that too when he 'decides he wants to move back in'! angry I hope you can see, well before he decides that, that you do not need him, his insults, or his abuse!

Sorry that you are still feeling rough and sick. Takje care of yourself (asmuch as you can, with 6 dc to care for)

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 24-Nov-12 12:13:29

jesus christ.

What a pathetic excuse for a human being he is. As hard as it is i think you really need to protect yourself mentally, from this "man". I would get legal advice asap, benefits advice, talk to your doctor/midwife about the lack of support and having no family to help, and enlist absolutely every shred of help and support there is out there, while fixing in your own mind that this man does not deserve you, your children, your home, your unborn baby, or anything else that could make him happy. Do not give him any option of coming back - he is acting like a spoilt child and i think the moment you stand up to him, the moment you find the mental and emotional strength to effectively tell him to fuck off, you will be so much happier.
He has treated you so badly.

Contact your local Homestart group too - they can really help you with the practicalities and the kids, shopping, any thing really.

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 14:13:56

Thanks for the support. I dont think he has any intentions of coming back, we have split up before but this time its different. I need to except i am on my own now and start building a life for the children and I. He is acting like a spoilt child your so right.I just need to keep strong and stop letting him get to me. Even after all the hurt that he caused I tried to protect him from himself because I know down the line he will have regrets. I now realise its not my place and he will have to find out for himself only so much you can do. Im making my self desperate in the process. Things like this make you realise just who you can rely on and who you cant im learning fast.

captainmummy Sat 24-Nov-12 20:04:33

vicar is so right - he is a pathetic excuse for a DP! You do need to accept you are on your own(and so much better for it) = please get any help you can.

You are strong. Of course you can do this - there is no alternative. You have dc, they will reward you.

Don't try to protect him from from himself. He is an idiot. Let him find that out himself. Not your problem. You have enough to worry about. He is an arse.

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 20:55:37

I know captain. I think I am too nice for my own good. I always have been I have a lot of work to do on myself. People see me as an easy target and use me until. I am easily taken in by peoples sob stories and will help anyone but no one ever helps me. He came for the boys today and my 4 year old refused to go with him. He said I had been telling him not to go I would never do that.

skyebluesapphire Sat 24-Nov-12 21:41:22

Stressed - can you get some counselling? I think that it would do you good. Ive been having counselling since XH walked out and my counsellor identified that I always end up "rescuing" people..... It sounds like you could be the same and maybe if you talked to somebody about whats going on, it may help...

As Donkey quotes above (and I think she may just be talking about me... lol), my XH resisted my attempts to sort contact by email saying that I was dictating to him, he did indeed call me ridiculous and pathetic, etc, then as soon as we got into mediation, he agreed to all I had suggested.....

my DD is 4 and if she said she didn't want to go with XH, I would text him and tell him and say to come and get her but be forewarned that she is saying that she doesnt want to go. (I did this 2 weeks ago when she had a bad earache) and on the day she did choose to go with him.

Regarding the sickness, I was sick right up to 22 weeks and gone. i am a big person too and when I gave birth I was 10kg lighter than when I got pregnant! My appetite went when pregnant and also disappeared again when XH left... so tell your X that it is quite normal in times of stress......

I too tried to "save my ex from himself". i was sure that he was going through some sort of crisis or breakdown and tried to overlook everything as it was all so out of character......

sadly, it is a well known pattern.... the only way that they can leave their children is to demonise the wife, so that in their mind you become so bad that they cant live with you any longer.....

You are doing very well and thinking very clearly. well done

Stressed81 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:34:39

My son has actually been up all night and he has an ear infection (just been at out of hours docs for 3 hours) Maybe thats why he was off with him. He was crying for his dad in the night when he didnt feel well and obviously he isnt here so maybe he was feeling a little bit angry with him. The three year old has always been a real handful since he left he has been a changed child. I cant believe the difference in 11 days. Ex asked when he started to be good I honestly replied the day you left- he was furious. Im not saying it will last but we will see.
Yes I cant save him from himself he is going to have to learn the hard way. At first I wanted him back but I miss him less each day he is gone and every nasty thing he says.
As for losing weight glad Im not the only one he had me questioning myself for a while. I think its a case of he cant be the reason im losing weight so it must be something im doing.. Again no blame on his part.

Any tips on surviving christmas lol? I Think I will find it hard. I dont like christmas as it is and find it mega stressful so this might push me over the edge.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 00:25:11

Hope your DS is feeling better and you are getting the rest you need.

You are doing remarkably well given what you have had/have to cope with. I know that you probably don't think you are, but reading your posts, there's a definite change in you. I'm sure you feel all wobbly still and you will have many wobbles to come, but it will pass.

My best friend, pregnant and with a small child, had a husband who walked out on her. She had a breakdown in the middle of the street and she sat in the middle of a high street and could not stop crying. A stranger stopped and basically said to her that whatever she was going through (my friend wasn't asked) it would pass. She told her to take it one second at a time, one minute at a time. See, she said, you have survived with it for a minute. She went on to say, yes, look its been five minutes and you've survived for that long. You can do this. This kind stranger stayed with for over half an hour. My friend was able to cope with the crisis

I think maybe you can approach your life like this. One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Think about what's best for you, your DC and your unborn baby, don't worry about him, he's a grown man. Whatever, emotional/verbal abuse he throws at you, you can survive it and you can move on. Stay strong.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 00:27:50

Christmas:do you have any family or friends you can visit? Do you have any money (sorry I can't remember)? If so, can you go away somewhere and have someone else take care of the dinner/meet Santa etc?

captainmummy Sun 25-Nov-12 10:40:08

Popmusic - what a sad story! Glad your friend is ok, but so sad for her being in that situation. Stressed - she is right though, it will pass. Every minute you are away from him, the stronger you become.

Why did your 3yo's behaviour change when he went? Was he abusive to the dc too? Even if it isn't directly aimed at them, the dc will have picked it up. You are all better off now.

Christmas - I dislike it too, but I've come to terms with it now. I don't do the big thing. I throw some decorations around, put up the old plastic tree. The dc get a few presents, including stuff like socks and pants, and a stocking with chocs in. I do a turkey, but it's no more hassle than a sunday dinner; I don't do starters or puddings; no-one likes xmas pudding or mince pies anyway. The best bit is having the dc around, playing board games or their new computer games. I have the MIL and my ex (We get on well) for the meal, that's it. Not too much pressure, just family; no competing to have the best dressed tree, the outfit, the home-cooked biscuits.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 25-Nov-12 18:05:34

Yes, it IS a sad story, but the point was she got through it by using the philosophy of one second, one minute etc. She went through hell because her husband was a complete tosser to her and she was on AD whilst pregnant (after this incidence) but she got coped, she survived and eventually she began to thrive. Her's is a courageous tale, although at the time she did not feel courageous at all - far from it.

DebK2012 Sun 25-Nov-12 18:28:41

I'm in Wigan. Whereabouts is your village? smile

Just posting because I've read your comments and feel for you! I hope you are OK. It must be difficult coping alone with your dcs and being pregnant!

With regards to Christmas, try and keep it simple. A lot of stress comes from somehow thinking you have to do everything to make it mega-wonderful. You don't! The mega-wonderful all amazing Christmas sold to us in adverts is just fantasy to try and get us to buy more stuff.

Shop within your budget. Some of your dc's may be old enough to understand that there's not too much money about and that you won't be able to buy lots of Christmas things. Explain it to them and say you won't be able to buy many things but you are hoping you can still have some fun together as a family in ways that don't cost much money. They may have some suggestions of things they'd like to do. The littler ones won't understand the value of money properly anyway and will probably enjoy it just as much unwrapping inexpensive things like a small bar of chocolate or a fun item from the pound shop. Look in charity shops for toys especially for your younger ones. If they still get to unwrap it, they will be happy and probably won't realise it is second hand!

Your children will actually value your time and attention as much as anything. Try and plan simple things to do together. A walk/visit to park or playing a family game of frizbee/football in the park (if not too muddy and wet!), working on a jigsaw together (there are often lots in charity shops). Buy a Radio/TV times for the Christmas period and work out what good films/programmes you would like to watch together (you can make it a bit of a "family movie" session if you serve a bit a bit of popcorn or crisps or something). What about baking a basic sponge cake together and covering with white icing to be a "christmas" cake? - It doesn't have to be the trad fruit cake. Would your dc's enjoy attending a child-friendly local church carol service? A way to be festive without any cost! Try and plan something for most days over the holiday. Even if it is just watching a particular film on tv or going for a walk. By planning a few things your dc's may be less likely to get "cabin fever" and start scraps and arguments.

PS - just re-read my post and realised it sounds like a lot to do when you are also suffering so much with your health. Maybe try and decide what your top priorities are and just try and do those.

Other things I'm thinking - if you could possibly get to a Citizen's Advice Centre, they should be able to advise you on the legal side of things and whether you are entitled to any benefits ( does your 13 year old autistic son get DLA - he may be entitled to it?). I'd see if you can phone them first as they usually do an initial interview and then book you in for a proper appointment with an advisor at another time. Given your health problems, they night be able to book you a proper appointment over the phone?

You might also want to consider phoning your children's schools and asking to speak to the head teacher or head of year and let them know what has happened. This will mean they can look out specially for your dc's and help them if they seem to be upset or understand if they show any behavioural changes.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 27-Nov-12 14:15:39

How are you, Stressed81? So much encouragement here, hope your poorly son is better but hope you are keeping yourself as well as you can, take care.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 23:19:42

Read half of thread only but felt angry so need to post! Sorry if I repeat someone else though.

Call CSA. Get them onto him sooner rather than later. This way you get back payment as of now.
Tell him you will start freecycling his things next week, so he had better hurry up and sort himself out if he isn't living under your roof or supporting you with his kids.

Figure out the birth nearer the time. My ex did this to me, first pg though so nothing like your stress of other kids, and I felt changeable towards him all the way through. My hormones were all over the place and I really struggled to be clear headed in my thought process. I half felt he could fuck of to the far side of fuck (etc) but half that he would bond with the baby and realise what a tit he had been given half the chance. In my case I should have stuck with the first option, but my ex is indeed a total fucktard. Yours may just be having a midlife fucktardis, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. You need more support than this. If he can't give it, you need to chop him off and focus on your nesting and your babies to stay strong enough.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 23:33:27

OK, just caught up with more recent posts.
The 'it's all your fault' thing NEVER goes away. My ex has been saying this since he left me at 16wks He is currently pretending we never had a relationship at all (despite not denying DD is his) and taking us to tribunal to avoid CSA.

He hasn't asked after DD for 11months (missed her 1st and only 2 weeks ago asked for a pic, nothing else.

Now he tells me he has just lost his job. Despite me not seeing him for 11 months and him being the one taking us to Court, this is apparently MY FAULT as he is so stressed about the CSA chasing him. He regularly texts me nasty messages and emails about other issues I have caused him since he left:
It is also my fault he is 6k in debt apparently for legal advice for tribunal.
It is also my fault he recently lost his g.f
It is also my fault that he had to move a few months ago.
It is also my fault his ex and her family won't talk to him

And as his life goes on, more and more will be attributed to me I am sure.
This man ruined my pregnancy and first few months of my DD's life for me. I urge you to really cut what you can and have as little contact with this man as possible. Only talk about the kids. Anything else he will use as ammunition against you to make himself feel justified.

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