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please be honest with me- am i wrong to do this?

(112 Posts)
TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 23:32:44

i need to know. i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decisions.

i have posted loads before about exp but to date the status quo has been that we dont text or ring each other except if it's do arrange contact for dcs and it's always him contacting me as his job dictates when he can see them so there is no point me contacting him it's better if he gets in touch when he knows his dates.

last saturday he requested me as a friend on the old FB. i declined. i dont want him having that sort of access to my life and what i've been doing. deep down i dont trust him and am always expecting him to use something against me when it comes to the dcs. i think he will one day (soon?) try and take the dcs from me now he is getting married and has a house here, is leaving his job etc. i accept that i may be totally paranoid about this as i really dont think he would have any grounds to have the dcs taken from me but it is a fear that i have.

so yesterday he rang, i asked if he wanted to talk to dcs as i always do. he did for a few seconds and then back to me and we actually had a really long conversation. we haven't done that since before we split up 2.5 years ago. we just talked about the dcs and why i moved house again and how my course was going. i asked him about his wedding plans and how is job search was going. it was very strange to be having that conversation with him. but it got me thinking last night about whether i am wrong in being so 'closed' when it comes to him. i dont tell him anything about my life. i dont want him knowing anything that he could use against me (again could be paranoid).

so today he has texted asking why am i not settled down with someone because i deserve to be. i replied saying that he wouldn't know whether i had or not. he says "well i know you're not living with anyone. you'll find someone" i said again, "how do you know i haven't?" (i haven't) and he said "i mean settling down, gettimg married having more babies, you know, starting your own wee family.obviously you got your fuck buddies etc, everyone needs them" (i dont have any fuck buddies, i haven't had sex in over a year and i've been with 2 people since i split up with him, one was a shortlived boyfriend). i told him that i settled down with my family 7 years ago (when ds1 was born) and that i didn't need to be married to be a family. i asked him if he thought my (and his) dcs are just a practise set.. he replied saying he had phrased it badly and that he really just wanted me to be happy and that when he's home permanently (next march) he'll do more for me and the dcs and that he'll 'mind' the dcs so i can have a hobby or two.

i haven't replied. i'm pissed off. i dont know why. am i just being a big paranoid freak. i dont want to feel this way. i would love to be able to have a good relationship with him but i cant get past the trust issue and i cant help feeling that it is me putting all the blocks up. i know it's me. he is clearly trying to, i dont know, build bridges or something but in the back of my head i think, what if he's just snooping for info to hold against me.

please be honest with me. i need to know if this is just me because if it is i need to change and start letting people in otherwise i wont ever find someone like he says. and i very much want to.

TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 23:37:10

btw it's not just not wanting him to have stuff to use against me, it's also i dont wnt him feeling he has a say in my life or that he can push the boundaries and come further and further into it. i dont let him in my house, but on the phone yesterday he said that i could always ask him for help with things in the house because he knows i'm having a bit of trouble getting things done by the LL. but i dont want him in the house. i dont wnat it being accepted that he can just be in my house so that if i ever decide i dont want him there it will suddenly be an issue becasue it was ok before. if any of that makes sense?

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 23:37:33

Those don't sound like "bridges" he is trying to build though, they look like fishing for something to have a hold over you for

I don't blame you for not trusting him

it's ok for him to have a shiny new relationship...but you are "allowed" your "fuck buddies". Who does he think he is ?

it's not compulsory that you get pally with your ex

it doesn't actually sound like it would ease communication about your dc's at sounds like it will open up more opportunities for subtle mind fucking

keep it as it is...polite, but distant

TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 23:39:41

yes mind fucking! for example how i am now feeling after the text conversation today!

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 23:41:06

don't give him any more ways "in" love

TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 23:52:44

thank you this is what my head is screaming but somehow he has me questioning this making me feel like i am wrong to not want to be his friend.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 00:00:41

youn don't have to be his "friend"

you wouldn't be friends with anyone else if you didn't trust them, would you ?

you would keep them at arm's length

so do that

SweetSeraphim Tue 20-Nov-12 00:03:30

No, I think you should trust your instincts.. Why the sudden interest? Is everything okay with his relationship? It all smells a bit fishy to me too, tbh.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:03:43

i think the thing i'm questioning is whether i am justified in not trusting him or i'm paranoid. i know no-one here can aswer that. i've had a lot of stuff come up in the last month or so that has made me question my reactions/behaviour in alot of relationships. well really all relationships. i cant help wondering if i've made terrible decisions.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:05:42

i did wonder if maybe he had fallen out with his partner but i asked and he said everything is fine. i didn't push it further because i dont want to be his shoulder to cry on or his counsellor. i also dont want to be what comes between them if anything does. he used to talk to his ex when we fell out and i know how this felt i wouldn't do that to his current fiancee.

ccarpenton Tue 20-Nov-12 00:05:59

sounds like he wants more time to be able to boast about how he's moved on. he's still an arse if he says things like "fuck buddies". he's obviously either bitter or just plain sick in the head.

take the opportunity to keep it civil. but yes - don't bother opening up to him. he will likely use it against you.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 00:06:31

so what if you are over reacting a bit

personally, I think it is very healthy to keep distance from exes

I don't get all this pally stuff with people who have hurt you, and you have hurt them

it seems like hanging onto to something that no longer exists, IYSWIM

if you didn't have kids together would you want to be friends with him ?

you can co-parent without sharing the intimacy of friendship

you don't owe him anything...he has moved on, and so should you

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:08:55

yes you are all right. i know if i asked my friends they would all scream "NO you are not being paranoid. dont trust him. "

mortimersraven Tue 20-Nov-12 00:11:17

We all make bad decisions sometimes. The thing is, in a situation like this you just have to follow your instincts. On the outside, it's easy for people to say 'do this, do that' but you have to make your own choice. Your instinct seems to be telling you to keep him at arms length, so do that and don't feel bad.

In the future if you want to rely on him a little so you can expand your social life, then do. On the face of it, itsounds like a nice offer. However I can't help feeling there's also a slightly smug motivation there - he'll give you time off because he's moved on and is sorted and happy, and there's an implication that without a new man, you can't be? hmm

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 20-Nov-12 00:17:00

Do you mean you have concerns that you have made mistakes re all relationships or just all romantic relationships?

Talk to your oldest friends, the ones who have seen you in various relationships - ask them to tell you honestly what they think.

Frankly, from what you have said over time, your ex is a head fuck and I don't think it's wise to share anymore with him than is essential for the kids. He's not looking at building bridges, he's looking for bricks to throw!

Viviennemary Tue 20-Nov-12 00:17:48

It sounds strange to me too. All this interest in what you are doing and wanting to be your friend on Facebook. You did the right thing in declining. What a nerve he has! And I agree with following your instinct. Some people can stay best friends with their exes. I couldn't. Once it's over it's over. All this my ex is my best friend certainly isn't for me. But everyone is different.

mortimersraven Tue 20-Nov-12 00:19:05

I realised in my post I said other people can't tell you what to do... then I told you what to do! blush

Didn't mean to sound bossy, what I meant was, in your place, I would follow my gut

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:31:05

i mean all relationships. i'm questioning every single one of them at the minute. i cant seem to keep anyone close (i posted a thread a few weeks ago about it).

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:33:45

my first reaction when he texted asking why i wasn't settled down with someone yet was "none of your fucking business" but then i thought how rude that was if he really was just being genuine.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 20-Nov-12 00:46:34

Trust yourself. There is something that doesn't ring quite true - why would he want to be your friend?

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:51:07

because he cant accept that I put him out of my life? it wasn't on his terms? he didn't get to control it/me? this is my suspicion. but again i could be completely wrong. i just dont know anymore.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 20-Nov-12 00:55:40

I suspect you are right. All that interest in your sex life. If he truly wanted to be friendly and supportive rather than nosy and controlling then he wouldn't begin by poking his nose into your metaphorical bedroom.

You are under no obligation to him, so if you feel better with the barriers up then keep them, and don't feel guilty for it.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 00:59:45

yes it seems like he's thinking, if he cant be the one 'having me' he is trying to have a say in someone else 'having' me by giving me permission to be with someone else.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 01:00:30

I would find a text asking why I wasn't settled down with anyone yet rude from ANYONE. From an ex, it would be doubly so.

I don't know anything about your situation but if you don't want to be friends with any person, you don't have to be. You don't need a reason. You don't have to know his motivations. You can just go by what yiu want. You are being civil, that's all duty requires. Anything else is your own free choice, no obligation other than what you would like. Your friendship is your gift, not his right.

Easier said than done, but true nonetheless.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 01:03:17

i think what is niggling at the back of my head is that when the dcs are older he'll give them the whole "i tried to be friends with her, she pushed me away everytime"

ThreeTomatoes Tue 20-Nov-12 06:48:26

Flipping 'eck. It's blindingly obvious to me that yes it IS none of his business!!!
How dare he ask you those questions?? Truly, stick with how you were originally dealing with him, you owe him absolutely nothing. He is your DC's father, nothing more. Surely? That's the way I'd view it.

NorthernNobody Tue 20-Nov-12 06:57:24

My ex would like to be friends. He was abusive. Tbh he seems fine now and I find myself doing same as you and thinking maybe ... But I don't trust him.

More importantly I don't trust myself.

I was the one to end our relationship but desperately wanted it to work. Hung in there for too long and even after we split needed a big distance in order to make myself fall out of love and not fall for his crap. I can't be friends because I'm frightened of getting back into his spell.

It's ok to be civil and distant. Ex will never know the workings of my mind again.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 07:00:38

Booy, if that is the sort of thing that he will say, he will say that sort of thing regardless of your actions.

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 07:09:07

Always trust your instincts. They are your soul, your place of truth telling you how it really is, and we must learn to really hear them.

So, for instance, the endless depression and low grade anxiety I had was not me being a nutter (which is what I thought and what he thought). It was a NATURAL situational reaction to being a de facto single mother living in an isolated country house, with 3 children under the age of 6. And being treated like an inanimate domestic appliance.
My soul was telling me it wasn't fair, that I deserved more, and I just kept believing I was ecstatically married, he worked hard for all of us (not emotionally unavailable, noooooo!), and blamed myself.

Your natural reaction MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS was the truthful one. The 'that is rude' is what we do socialisation wise to shut ourselves up

My reaction to that call? He wants two families, his two possessions, and he is entitled to what he wants. Feel very sorry for the woman he is going to marry!

stuffitunderthebed Tue 20-Nov-12 07:09:22

Trust your instincts. Detatch again. You don't need an ex as a 'friend'

mummytime Tue 20-Nov-12 07:31:13

To be honest if you bring you DC to respect others and themselves in relationships, if he does come out with a "I tried to be friends " line. Then I would expect them to retort "We'll what did you expect, you split up."

The most they can hope for is that you can be civil to each other at weddings etc.

I agree with everyone else here. A friend is someone who treats you with affection and respect, who enjoys your company, makes you laugh and you can confide in. You feel better after contact with them. However 'genuine' your ex may be, if that doesn't describe him he's not your friend and it's unlikely he ever will be.

Lueji Tue 20-Nov-12 07:49:55

At best exs can be civil to eachother.

Only in rare cases can they be friends, at least in a healthy way.

In this case he's being smug or controlling.

I'd not tell him to fuck off, but I'd reply neutrally or that I'm not discussing those issues with him.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 08:49:18

thanks for all later responses. you are all right. i do know in my gut that i cant trust him. i dont know what my head was thinking by even doubting this. i know it and everyone that knows us both knows it. it is true that none of my interactions with him leave me feeling good. the less i have to talk with him the better i feel in general. that says it all.

olgaga Tue 20-Nov-12 09:01:52

I think it sounds as though he feels rather superior to you - you don't need to hear his opinions as to what you're up to in your life. If you start to be more "open" with him you'll get more and more of that.

You are right to refuse to engage in these conversations. Just say "Sorry, I've got to go". He is still your children's dad but he's no longer part of your life.

You're both still parents but that is it. You are not his friend - and he is not yours.

hellsbells76 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:09:17

God, he sounds exactly like my ex. Yes it's all to do with trying to control you. I simply refuse to speak to mine about anything except arrangements for DD and the barest smalltalk on handover. Don't give him any power/info/anything that could be used against you. Follow your instincts, they're there to protect you.

bumhead Tue 20-Nov-12 09:16:57

Sounds to me that the proximity of his forthcoming wedding is making him all misty eyed over what he had with you.
He is fishing for info to see where you're at. He wants to feel he could still have you if he wants.
Weddings do funny stuff to people. My friend was like this when she was getting married and she was actually marrying the guy she was shagging behind her exes back! hmm
Maybe you 'can' be friends with your ex at some point in the future but not at the moment.

bumhead Tue 20-Nov-12 09:17:44

Actually strike that last sentence of mine. Why the fuck should you be friends with him?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:22:54

Love this from ChippingIn "He's not looking at building bridges, he's looking for bricks to throw!"

May I add the famous "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you".

Your first reaction was absolutely right, he has NO right to know what you're up to as long as it doesn't have a negative impact on the DCs (eg if you had met a fabulous Australian and were planning to emigrate, their father would have every right to know about that!). Who you see in your spare time is entirely your own business, as is who you talk to about it. I believe the mention of fuck buddies was deliberately provocative; he'd be hoping you'd snap back and try to justify yourself with details you weren't planning on telling him. (I hope you didn't.)

I have also observed, since becoming single myself, that quite a lot of people, mainly though not exclusively men, seem to feel rather threatened by a single woman not having a permanent man in her life. I think they're worried about it becoming popular. They need women to need men. Saying you're getting on fine makes them jittery. You should be desperately and pathetically looking. In the case of an ex, if you're failing that's even better. See, you're nothing without them <puffs out chest, struts>. Don't play the game!

As for why you find difficulty keeping a long-term relationship going at the moment, it will take longer than this to get over the mindfucking ex; he hasn't even stopped yet and he's marrying someone else shortly! Anyway, you probably haven't just met the right guy yet. Keeping a relationship going with the wrong one isn't a skill you should be cultivating.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 20-Nov-12 09:41:19

Don't worry about what he might say to your DCs. As they get older they will make their own mind up about him.

Moosylorris Tue 20-Nov-12 10:45:31

Carry on as you are, tell the fucker nothing!! Nothing at all!! Lol

dequoisagitil Tue 20-Nov-12 10:53:55

It is pretty normal not to be friends with your ex, I don't think your dc will think anything of it, as long as you're not at each other's throats. Civil but detached is the way to go. Friends? Nah.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 20-Nov-12 11:10:08

I agree with not sharing info.

He has shown you what he imagines your household life to be.

I find what he said worrying, but in a way it is good he said it. It is now in the open.

It almost sounds like he is making plans to portray himself in better light to care for the DCs (smug married couple in large house vs. mum of little virtue exposing DCs to latest fuck buddy). Not nice.

Well done on not giving him amunition.

Joanne1982uk Tue 20-Nov-12 11:47:04

is it just me who thinks he may be being genuine?

when my friend broke up with her DP she totally hated him but after a couple of years they tried to build bridges and ended up being good friends. Not all men are evil manipultive bastards. Maybe he really does want you to be happy and the offer to help out a genuine one if your LL isnt getting things done.

He shouldnt of said anything about fuck buddies though, i think that just might be a man thing to ask such an awful question.

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 11:52:17

I don't care if my x thinks I have not slept with a single man in 6 years. Nothing I do is any of his business and IF he feels sorry for me then I'll let him get on with that. I agree with posters that he is fishing. Be careful. In court I was asked by x's solicitor if I was living with somebody else. Be careful with what you reveal just so as not to appear that you are behind in the 'meeting somebody else' race. It's not a race. My x has had about five foolish young women half his age and he's driven them around in his porsche for a few weeks. I've only had one relationship but it was with a very nice man. I have no inclination to share that with my x just to 'trump' him though. Ykwim.

You are not obliged to be his friend! You're not contractually obliged to be his friend. It's no failure on your part not to be his friend. Sorry if I sound like I'm standing up and shouting this at you here!!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:03:44

Sorry, Joanne, think it's just you! Of course it depends why someone became an ex, to what extent you can trust them afterwards. Some people do make better friends than partners. I don't think the OP's ex is in this category though, otherwise she'd be trusting rather than paranoid as a default position. Anyway, even if he were her best buddy that's no particular reason to tell him everything about her life. Real friends don't demand this.

Just because someone has built a bridge does not mean you are contractually obliged to walk across it.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:51

Joanne, it's just you.

have you been in an abusive relationship and had to dig very very deep to dig yourself out of it ? I suggest not, or you would not be seeing his side and saying it's "just a man thing"

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:14:53

Sorry B1ueberry, nicked your phrase there. It was such a good one!

Joanne1982uk Tue 20-Nov-12 12:16:21

I dont know the OP's history but does it say she was in an abusive relationship?

All i'm saying is sometimes people change for the better and grow up. Maybe he wants to build bridges as its best for the DC. She even says she would like a good relationship with him. I would just say dont instantly dismiss something like this as it could make all there lives better, especillay the DC's

ThreeTomatoes Tue 20-Nov-12 12:17:30

Joanne IMO a decent, genuine non-manipulative man wouldn't ask those sorts of questions.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 12:17:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 12:24:18

Anniegetyourgun, I learnt what I now know from you and mathanxiety!

I agree about the bridge. It's your prerogative to have no interest with a relationship with a person. You can be civil and leave it there. That's acceptable, that's normal. That reflects your true feelings.

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 12:26:16

ThreeTomatoes, I agree with you. Asking your xw if she has fuck-buddies!? what's that ? concern?! I don't think so.

Joanne1982uk Tue 20-Nov-12 12:31:20

OP dont rush into anything and instantly dismiss it. It seems like most people are just offended by the fuck buddies thing but im sure most of us have heard worse from men while on a night out.

Im not making excuses for him and i do advise caution but keep civil and see how it goes and see if a friendship can form. It will do your DC's wonders seeing there mum and dad being civil and getting on well.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 12:34:47

Joanne she is being civil.

WizardofOs Tue 20-Nov-12 12:34:49

I thought it sounded if he was feeling guilty. He has moved on and thinks you should to because it would ease his guilt and make drawing a line under you and he and his perceived obligation to you. Maybe he is worried (or hoping) you still hold a light for him.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:34:50

again thank you all.

wrt to the abusive question. i dont know if he ever intended to be abusive but i certainly felt abused both physically and mentally/emotionally. i have posted loads before about him and dont want to go through it all again but there is a history of him crossing boundaries. he climbed through my living room window the day after i asked him to leave. i was in bed and i heard footsteps on the stairs. not sure where he was intending to go but he wasn't welcome. he also punctured all my condoms whilst he was babysitting the dcs for me when he found out about the boyfriend i had very briefly. when i asked him about it he blamed our then 5 year old. i haven't had him in my house since i found out.

no i didn't tell him anything about my relationship status at all. he said "i know you aren't living with anyone" and i said that i didn't want to live with anyone as i didn't feel it was good for the dcs to have too many changes in their lives (we moved twice in the last year).

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 12:34:54

Joanne, everyone has said that "civil" is good. "Friendly" however, in the face of him being somewhat of a dickwad is not

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 12:35:14

not for her, anyway (and by extension, her kids)

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 12:38:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:38:59

i really am being civil joanne. the only time it wasn't was when i confronted him about the condoms and told him he wasn't welcome in the house but the dcs weren't there so didn't see any of that. i made a mistake yesterday by letting him talk so long on the phone. i know he'll expect to be able to do it more now but i'll jsut go back to what i was doing before and offering the dcs to speak to him.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:41:15

or sunday rather, it was the texting yesterday.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 20-Nov-12 12:42:41

Ha! I suspect you'll change your view after the OP's last post, Joanne?!

and btw "im sure most of us have heard worse from men while on a night out." - Doesn't make it ok even under those circumstances! But anyway, we're not talking about them are we , this is an ex the father of her DC. He's basically being disrespectful, condescending, patronising and nosey, trying to make the OP feel shit about her situation and herself. i've re-read the OP -yuck. i can't believe anyone would think otherwise about this?

RooneyMara Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:06

OP I've only read the first bit, but if my ex was saying stuff like that to me I'd feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable.

I can't say whether his motives are good or not but whatever they might be, he's making you feel weird and unsettled and I'd suggest not having any more conversations with him and making some very clear boundaries around that.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 12:43:12

I would never be friends with someone who punctured my condoms and climbed into my window. In fact, if I found out one of my friends had done this to someone else, I wouldn't want to be his friend any more.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 12:46:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RooneyMara Tue 20-Nov-12 12:47:00

Btw I'm down to 'civil and polite' with ex myself, these days, because I don't get anything out of the contact we were having, which frankly was slipping into affair territory - he was asking to kiss me, saying he wanted to sleep with me etc.
I valued the closeness and the conversations but tbh fucking around like that when I know I mean very little to him is not on, and horrible, and seedy, and I won't get involved.
We text to arrange contact for ds, I don't call if he asks me to, I don't answer when he calls.
He isn't like your ex, his style is different, but he does get drunk and think I can't tell from his voice, then talks shite at me (not unfriendly - just pointless), so now I just don't answer.
You don't have to
You really don't
Have some confidence, some self-esteem, look down your nose at him a bit (in your head) and don't let him mess you about or patronise you like this.

RooneyMara Tue 20-Nov-12 12:48:51

Oh my Good lord he did WHAT?

abusive, manipulative liar then - yes that is abuse, that puts his words into SHARP perspective.

Don't trust him an INCH x

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 12:49:34

and definitely do not not consign his verbal disrespect of you as "it's just what men do and you would hear worse in a nightclub"

Joanne, I think you need to mix with some better men

PeppermintPasty Tue 20-Nov-12 12:49:37

Superior and controlling. That's what he sounds like to me. Don't know your back story but your last couple of posts are shocking. Puncturing condoms, breaking in?

You are right to trust your instincts. Be careful of him, he sounds loopy I mean dangerous but don't want to alarm

Doinmummy Tue 20-Nov-12 12:51:07

Remain civil but tell him nothing. Once you've told him about something it can't be unsaid . I fell into the trap with my ex, we had a phase of getting on well. I opened up to him about a chap I was seeing and he has used it against me ever since.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:58:32

yes he has called me when drunk since we have split up. i actually pulled him about it infront of his fiancee as i'm sure she didn't know but whether she reacted or not i dont know, she didn't infront of me anyway.

RooneyMara Tue 20-Nov-12 12:59:28

Yes absolutely, tell him nothing. Nothing at all about yourself.

Do you think he might have a personality disorder? He sounds very odd.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:01:25

what sort of personality disorder?

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 13:04:46

I think it very likely he has "entitled twat" disorder smile

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 13:09:57

in layman's terms yes! or, a narcissistic personality disorder where he has no comprehension that other people are entitled to 'draw a line'. He is a taker and you are the giver and he will push that as far as he can. Not only will he never be grateful but the moment you stop giving he will think you are a cold hard bitch. He will not have the self awareness to analyse his own behaviour that he's been taking and you've been giving for however many years...

ClippedPhoenix Tue 20-Nov-12 13:10:58

Be glad he's your ex OP and don't get sucked in. My ex tried to do this, I started laughing and told him to mind his own bloody business.

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:19:42

that sounds very much like him blueberry. AF's description also sounds accurate grin

i'm very glad he's my ex, i have never regretted ending the relationship. it's just that somehow he managed to get me to question my behaviour towards him since then and whether i was unjustified in being so closed towards him. talking through all this has reminded me of exactly why i have been so closed.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 13:26:45

I bet he told the fiancée you were lying to stir up trouble between them, he'd never done anything of the sort etc. More fool her if she believes it.

I have to be very, very firm with XH about boundaries (for which read: full-on shrieking harridan mode) otherwise he takes liberties. I don't think even he would break into my house and carry out criminal damage, though. (The only time he did let himself in without permission he left me a handful of envelopes. Milk Tray Man it wasn't.)

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 13:35:13

he couldn't do that because he agreed with me infront of her that it was out of order and that he shouldn't be doing it.

why did he leave you envelopes? confused

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 13:52:31

He said he thought I might find them useful. They were unused, but so old the glue had dried.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 13:56:20

Are we talking about condoms or envelopes now ? grin

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 14:02:21

Envelopes, of course grin but he did once bring home a used pregnancy testing kit when we still shared a house. He said I might find that useful too. Always helpful, XH.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:06:38


Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 14:19:25

One day he'll get a thread all to himself, I promise. I doubt many people would believe most of it, though.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:23:38

Bloody hell, Annie. Be sure to tip me the wink if you do it. I will join you with a few "you'll never believe what this twat did too" jolly anecdotes smile

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 17:38:07

Why do you a shit about your "relationship" with your ex? Bollocks to him.

As the song says

"Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

TiredBooyhoo Tue 20-Nov-12 17:38:11

i'm noticing an envelope theme here. when EXP and i first split up years ago he was a postie and got placed on my route so he was delivering my mail. i didn't know this until my mail started arriving with his signature on it. but it was always accompanied by a post code or some other number codes i didn't understand so at first i just thought it was something they do in the sorting office and then i realised that i had never in my life received an envelope where someone other than the sender had written on it, neither had my parents. so i called the sorting office and asked them. they said it shouldn;t have happened. i explained that it was actually my ex and they came out and took a statement and photographed the envelopes. he was disciplined for it. the more i think about it the more convinced i am that he's just a fucking weirdo. what the hell i ever saw in him i'll never know.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 20:09:22

Why did he do that ? I don't understand what the purpose was.

PattyPenguin Tue 20-Nov-12 20:24:11

AF, could it be territory marking? Come to think of it, I suspect he believes the OP is still part of his territory.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 20:27:15

By writing on a fucking envelope ? It doesn't make sense.

Apocalypto Tue 20-Nov-12 20:30:16

Actually AF it is pretty hilarious in a weird way. Bloke thinks "hmm, what can I do to really mess with the ex's head? I know - I'll go round there and leave some envelopes. She will fucking freak!!"

I mean FGS!! What is going on in this bloke's tiny mind!

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 20:32:02

confused grin

PattyPenguin Tue 20-Nov-12 20:33:46

Not any old envelope, though. His signature, his name, his mark, on the OP's envelope, with the OP's name and address on it. Virtually writing "This is mine".

(I bet the postcodes and so on were just attempted camouflage in case someone called him on it - not that it worked.)

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 20:37:40

I still don't get it. Perhaps I never will smile

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 20:38:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 20:40:24

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "going postal".

hildebrandisgettinghappier Tue 20-Nov-12 20:40:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PattyPenguin Tue 20-Nov-12 20:41:19

Perhaps he thinks he's sophisticated. Still a loon, though.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 20:46:25

hilde, I would understand it better if he had pissed on them smile

financialwizard Tue 20-Nov-12 20:57:47

From just this post I would say that I am the same as you without the paranoia. I know my exh would like to control my life, thankfully our DS is old enough to talk to him himself and can make his own arrangements.

It took me nearly 10 years to get to the stage where I could tell my exh to fuck off to the other side of fuck and then fuck off some more, but I have managed it and he now doesn't speak to me at all. BLISS!

Now for my mother....

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 20-Nov-12 21:09:11

He is trying to change the boundaries to unsettle you. Maybe he feels unsettled himself and is reflecting it to you to make you feel as bad? My ex is narcissistic too and is currently having fun playing games with me over DD's CSA.

Two weeks ago he told me "you have a hole in your soul and filled it with a baby - how ingenious!" and went on about how my private education had counted for nothing as I hadn't 'done' anything with my life which meant I was "unimaginative or, at worst, plain lazy."

This week "I thought enough water had passed under the bridge for us to be civil again"

These men use whatever tools they see lying around. No remorse, no understanding of what they have put you through. So don't expect him to be grateful of any chit chat - you may think you are being friendly but they can turn it on/off in a nanosecond. Ex is currently trying to convince tribunal we never had a relationship hmm despite living with me... They really cannot see it, honestly!

IAmSoFuckingRock Wed 21-Nov-12 01:15:12

WRT the signed envelopes i honestly think he was making sure i knew he was still there. i was always at work when the post came and i'm pretty sure he engineered it so he was doing my route on purpose (hoping to see me regularly) so when he realised i didn't know it was him at my house everyday i think he wanted to let me know "i'm still in your life"

(i NC'd BTW)

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 11:10:18

Insanity, what made you leave your ex? What did you gradually become aware of, and what was the final straw?

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 12:19:47

Atouchofinsanity! that sounds familiar, my x's solicitor stood up in court and said 'my client would like to point out that he did not marry ms Blueberry'. I thought, hello, did anybody say we were married? this is about maintenance. Wish I cuold have said 'does your client think that means the children aren't his?'. It was all about dismissing me even in court. His solicitor also asked me if I was living with somebody. I know my x really wanted that. I was asked about my means and his solicitor put emphasis on the words 'benefits' and 'rented' and really tried very hard to make me look like a slutty scrounger. Pity I had my pearl earrings on and hair in a smart pony tail. I think my x made me out to be like something from jeremy kyle to his solicitor. I honestly think my x's solicitor must have got a shock when he saw me.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 22-Nov-12 12:42:01

When we were doing the bit before the financial hearing where you sit in separate rooms and the solicitors shuttle back and forth with offers, XH's solicitor came in, did a bit of a double take and said "So you're the woman who's had 200 lovers?"

TisILeclerc Thu 22-Nov-12 13:14:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 22-Nov-12 13:37:24

You'd laugh even more if you saw me, Leclerc. If there's such a thing as anti-sex-appeal, I exude it. I don't mean I'm hideously repulsive, I just go around with a big imaginary "not interested" sign above my head in virtual neon. XH is the only man I ever dated, let alone shagged. After we split up I did flirt with some guys over the internet, but never actually met them. XH said that was adultery because we were still technically married, and that adultery was illegal. hmm

Happy days.

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 16:18:39

Annie, that's it in a nutshell. They just don't see 'us' how other people would see us. My x had obviously made out to his solicitor that I was a chaotic, dramatic, worthless, lazy, slutty piece of trash and then I turned up in pearl earrings and a belted grey coat and neat hair, very little make up and an simple leather bag. when the solicitor asked me if I was living with another man I could see even he thought 'this is not the correct line of questioning here but it's what i have prepared'. I heard my own voice say 'no' and I sounded like my Mother. I thought 'ha'.

Lovingfreedom Thu 22-Nov-12 17:19:38

Atouchofinsanity...One week it's 'don't come the mother crap with me' and something about 'if you weren't so bloody stubborn'...'don't start the bimbo act' (this is laughable tbh!)...etc etc...few days later it's 'I thought by now we could be more openly friendly' and 'I'd like us to be friends again' ... hah...away you go!

OP - none of your ex's damned business what hobbies you have, who you go out with or anything to do with your sex life. Don't friend on FB, don't friend in RL. He sounds awful.

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 18:12:37

Next time he suggests being friends tell him that you think a civilised relationship is more appropriate. Tell him that you can be civilised.............. !!

IAmSoFuckingRock Thu 22-Nov-12 19:51:19

he's also requested me to be connected to him on linked in confused i dont understand what that means as i joined years ago and dont check it but i git an email notifying me of the request.

anyway i have just this evening filled in my application form for csa to contact him about the payments. maybe this will send out the message that we are not and cant ever be friends.

thank you all for being my brain this last few days. i dont know what happend to mine, it seemed to abandon me for a bit there. back to normal now, i can see him for what he really is.

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