Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
please be honest with me- am i wrong to do this?(112 Posts)
i need to know. i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decisions.
i have posted loads before about exp but to date the status quo has been that we dont text or ring each other except if it's do arrange contact for dcs and it's always him contacting me as his job dictates when he can see them so there is no point me contacting him it's better if he gets in touch when he knows his dates.
last saturday he requested me as a friend on the old FB. i declined. i dont want him having that sort of access to my life and what i've been doing. deep down i dont trust him and am always expecting him to use something against me when it comes to the dcs. i think he will one day (soon?) try and take the dcs from me now he is getting married and has a house here, is leaving his job etc. i accept that i may be totally paranoid about this as i really dont think he would have any grounds to have the dcs taken from me but it is a fear that i have.
so yesterday he rang, i asked if he wanted to talk to dcs as i always do. he did for a few seconds and then back to me and we actually had a really long conversation. we haven't done that since before we split up 2.5 years ago. we just talked about the dcs and why i moved house again and how my course was going. i asked him about his wedding plans and how is job search was going. it was very strange to be having that conversation with him. but it got me thinking last night about whether i am wrong in being so 'closed' when it comes to him. i dont tell him anything about my life. i dont want him knowing anything that he could use against me (again could be paranoid).
so today he has texted asking why am i not settled down with someone because i deserve to be. i replied saying that he wouldn't know whether i had or not. he says "well i know you're not living with anyone. you'll find someone" i said again, "how do you know i haven't?" (i haven't) and he said "i mean settling down, gettimg married having more babies, you know, starting your own wee family.obviously you got your fuck buddies etc, everyone needs them" (i dont have any fuck buddies, i haven't had sex in over a year and i've been with 2 people since i split up with him, one was a shortlived boyfriend). i told him that i settled down with my family 7 years ago (when ds1 was born) and that i didn't need to be married to be a family. i asked him if he thought my (and his) dcs are just a practise set.. he replied saying he had phrased it badly and that he really just wanted me to be happy and that when he's home permanently (next march) he'll do more for me and the dcs and that he'll 'mind' the dcs so i can have a hobby or two.
i haven't replied. i'm pissed off. i dont know why. am i just being a big paranoid freak. i dont want to feel this way. i would love to be able to have a good relationship with him but i cant get past the trust issue and i cant help feeling that it is me putting all the blocks up. i know it's me. he is clearly trying to, i dont know, build bridges or something but in the back of my head i think, what if he's just snooping for info to hold against me.
please be honest with me. i need to know if this is just me because if it is i need to change and start letting people in otherwise i wont ever find someone like he says. and i very much want to.
btw it's not just not wanting him to have stuff to use against me, it's also i dont wnt him feeling he has a say in my life or that he can push the boundaries and come further and further into it. i dont let him in my house, but on the phone yesterday he said that i could always ask him for help with things in the house because he knows i'm having a bit of trouble getting things done by the LL. but i dont want him in the house. i dont wnat it being accepted that he can just be in my house so that if i ever decide i dont want him there it will suddenly be an issue becasue it was ok before. if any of that makes sense?
Those don't sound like "bridges" he is trying to build though, they look like fishing for something to have a hold over you for
I don't blame you for not trusting him
it's ok for him to have a shiny new relationship...but you are "allowed" your "fuck buddies". Who does he think he is ?
it's not compulsory that you get pally with your ex
it doesn't actually sound like it would ease communication about your dc's at all...it sounds like it will open up more opportunities for subtle mind fucking
keep it as it is...polite, but distant
yes mind fucking! for example how i am now feeling after the text conversation today!
don't give him any more ways "in" love
thank you this is what my head is screaming but somehow he has me questioning this making me feel like i am wrong to not want to be his friend.
youn don't have to be his "friend"
you wouldn't be friends with anyone else if you didn't trust them, would you ?
you would keep them at arm's length
so do that
No, I think you should trust your instincts.. Why the sudden interest? Is everything okay with his relationship? It all smells a bit fishy to me too, tbh.
i think the thing i'm questioning is whether i am justified in not trusting him or i'm paranoid. i know no-one here can aswer that. i've had a lot of stuff come up in the last month or so that has made me question my reactions/behaviour in alot of relationships. well really all relationships. i cant help wondering if i've made terrible decisions.
i did wonder if maybe he had fallen out with his partner but i asked and he said everything is fine. i didn't push it further because i dont want to be his shoulder to cry on or his counsellor. i also dont want to be what comes between them if anything does. he used to talk to his ex when we fell out and i know how this felt i wouldn't do that to his current fiancee.
sounds like he wants more time to be able to boast about how he's moved on. he's still an arse if he says things like "fuck buddies". he's obviously either bitter or just plain sick in the head.
take the opportunity to keep it civil. but yes - don't bother opening up to him. he will likely use it against you.
so what if you are over reacting a bit
personally, I think it is very healthy to keep distance from exes
I don't get all this pally stuff with people who have hurt you, and you have hurt them
it seems like hanging onto to something that no longer exists, IYSWIM
if you didn't have kids together would you want to be friends with him ?
you can co-parent without sharing the intimacy of friendship
you don't owe him anything...he has moved on, and so should you
yes you are all right. i know if i asked my friends they would all scream "NO you are not being paranoid. dont trust him. "
We all make bad decisions sometimes. The thing is, in a situation like this you just have to follow your instincts. On the outside, it's easy for people to say 'do this, do that' but you have to make your own choice. Your instinct seems to be telling you to keep him at arms length, so do that and don't feel bad.
In the future if you want to rely on him a little so you can expand your social life, then do. On the face of it, itsounds like a nice offer. However I can't help feeling there's also a slightly smug motivation there - he'll give you time off because he's moved on and is sorted and happy, and there's an implication that without a new man, you can't be?
Do you mean you have concerns that you have made mistakes re all relationships or just all romantic relationships?
Talk to your oldest friends, the ones who have seen you in various relationships - ask them to tell you honestly what they think.
Frankly, from what you have said over time, your ex is a head fuck and I don't think it's wise to share anymore with him than is essential for the kids. He's not looking at building bridges, he's looking for bricks to throw!
It sounds strange to me too. All this interest in what you are doing and wanting to be your friend on Facebook. You did the right thing in declining. What a nerve he has! And I agree with following your instinct. Some people can stay best friends with their exes. I couldn't. Once it's over it's over. All this my ex is my best friend certainly isn't for me. But everyone is different.
I realised in my post I said other people can't tell you what to do... then I told you what to do!
Didn't mean to sound bossy, what I meant was, in your place, I would follow my gut
i mean all relationships. i'm questioning every single one of them at the minute. i cant seem to keep anyone close (i posted a thread a few weeks ago about it).
my first reaction when he texted asking why i wasn't settled down with someone yet was "none of your fucking business" but then i thought how rude that was if he really was just being genuine.
Trust yourself. There is something that doesn't ring quite true - why would he want to be your friend?
because he cant accept that I put him out of my life? it wasn't on his terms? he didn't get to control it/me? this is my suspicion. but again i could be completely wrong. i just dont know anymore.
I suspect you are right. All that interest in your sex life. If he truly wanted to be friendly and supportive rather than nosy and controlling then he wouldn't begin by poking his nose into your metaphorical bedroom.
You are under no obligation to him, so if you feel better with the barriers up then keep them, and don't feel guilty for it.
yes it seems like he's thinking, if he cant be the one 'having me' he is trying to have a say in someone else 'having' me by giving me permission to be with someone else.
I would find a text asking why I wasn't settled down with anyone yet rude from ANYONE. From an ex, it would be doubly so.
I don't know anything about your situation but if you don't want to be friends with any person, you don't have to be. You don't need a reason. You don't have to know his motivations. You can just go by what yiu want. You are being civil, that's all duty requires. Anything else is your own free choice, no obligation other than what you would like. Your friendship is your gift, not his right.
Easier said than done, but true nonetheless.
i think what is niggling at the back of my head is that when the dcs are older he'll give them the whole "i tried to be friends with her, she pushed me away everytime"
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.