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Don't know how to handle this situation.Offended and upset MIL and DD.

(54 Posts)
alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:12:00

Saturday Dd (7) was at sleep over with Mil and Fil. Everything was fine until bedtime when DD got upset, saying she misses me and dh cos she doesn't see much of dh cos he works lots and late and she wants to go home. Mil did the comfortimg thing youll see them tommorow etc then dd said either; I like it at nans because I get to see mummy and daddy when they come home from pub.(she doesnt sleep over at my mums as no room) Or; I Want/like it better at nans because etc.
This has really upset my mil and she was nearly in tears when telling dh about it when she dropped dd off this morning, and has said she doesn't want to see dd for at least a couple of weeks.
Dh understandable was cross with dd, 'what have you been saying to gran,shes upset etc' and dd was in tears all morning.
Talking to dd over the course of the day I get the impression she was over tired. She also says she can't remember everything she said to gran but she didn't say she likes nans better.
Dh says his mum, said 'dd was crying for us two, then saying she would rather be at nans.'
Now I can understand this might hurt mils feelings. Mil and Fil don't see dd much because of work comitments on both sides and dh is not one to ring up everyother day like I do with my mum. Also we live a lot nearer my mum easy walking distance so they see more of dd than the inlaws. So inlaws might feel a bit left out.
But on the other hand dd is 7. She was overtired. (she loves going to grans and prefers to eat grans food rather than going out to eat at mcdonalds, enjoys snuggling up to watch a film, she always gets a comic and pocket money off them and mil has done up a small bedroom just for her so she is spoilt)
Mils strength of being upset is disconcerting.we are torn between thinking dd must have said something awful that she darn't admit to us and mil didn't tell dh the full story, or mil is taking the percieved slight too personaly. (She said she didn't want a phonecall off dd either knowing that we would encourage dd to phone gran and appologise.)
Is there any grans out there who can shed some light on this?
Any parents who have had a similar situation?
I really don't know how to handle it.
I know that if there is a problem I will get the blame. Other 'offences' have been comited unwittingly /taken the wrong way.
Dh is upset too as he is stuck in the middle he also re-enforced my knowing I would get the blame by saying 'you know that it will all boil down to being your fault'
Dd want to make a card to send to gran saying 'sorry I said I liked it at nans' Which sounds really petty when its said like that.
Anyway sorry its long What do I do?

DameFanny Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:33

What's your mil like generally? Would she have made it up or exaggerated it? Why does your DH recognise that his mother is likely to somehow make it your fault?

vigglewiggle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:20:20

It sounds like your DD knows exactly how to play the adults around her to get what she wants. Your MIL's reaction is child-like and ridiculous. She needs to tell your DD that what she is saying is rude and leave it at that. Getting emotional when a child is clearly manipulting you is a huge mistake.

I also think it was a mistake to draw DD into the aftermath. She now knows exactly what power her manipulations have. She has learned nothing else from this experience.

I think the grown-ups need to act like grown-ups and the children need to be told when they are being rude.

difficultpickle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:07

How old is your mil?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:22:13

You tell your MIL to grow up. End of. This is ridiculous. She's either misunderstood or vastly over reacted. Your DD is 7, she should not be shouldering the blame for this adults twattery. It doesn't sound like your DD said what your MIL thought she said anyway, but even if she did, she's 7 - they say stuff like that, she's just as likely to say to your Mum that she likes it at her other granny's more because she gives her nicer biscuits or something. The adult response to any of that is simply 'Oh do you dear, that's nice'. Yes, it can hurt a smidge sometimes, but jesus, she's 7. Your MIL is being particularly nasty not wanting to see your DD or talk to her - totally bloody pathetic.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:24:36

There is nothing in your OP that makes me think your DD was rude, nothing at all. Upset yes, but not rude. Sometimes children do just want to go home to their Mum & Dad, that's hardly rude.

chocolateorange Sun 18-Nov-12 20:25:01

She told the truth, would you rather she lie to spare mil feelings?

My dd told me the other day, "I wish Lara's mummy was my mummy. She's pretty with lovely swishy hair." I shrugged and said lucky old Lara's mum and forgot all about it - she's 7.

bamboostalks Sun 18-Nov-12 20:25:41

Wow your mil sounds a bit unhinged. Doesn't want a see a 7 year old for a few weeks because she said she liked her other nanny more! obviously she would be hurt but a normal soul would swallow it and accept that 7 years olds can be unthinking and possibly a bit nasty when tired. What an over reaction. Send letter saying sorry for hurting your feelings and then ignore. Certainly take no personal responsibility for the fiasco. Your husband can drive this one.

PropositionJoe Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:16

This is ridiculous. All DD should have had in response was "ok, now snuggle down" or something similarly bland. Your MIL is in the wrong , IMO.

vigglewiggle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:29:36

I think it is rude for a 7 year old to list the reasons why she prefers the other grandma's house. I have a six year old and she knows that kind of behaviour is rude.

Having said that, I think she is only behaving like that because she knows she gets a reaction. The bigger issues are working out why she wants to get a reaction, and coaching MIL so she doesn't over-react so massively.

ajandjjmum Sun 18-Nov-12 20:29:43

It all seems a bit childish - but it's allowed from DD, because she's a child. Your MIL comes across as a drama queen. It sounds like what you DD was trying to say was that she liked staying with your Mum, because she got to sleep at home - all quite understandable at 7.

Maybe say that you're sorry DD upset her, but she didn't mean to and loves her very much.

omletta Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:05

Complete over reaction.

My MIL gets a cats bum face if one of the DC mention another grandparent, but I don't thnk she would actually say anything.

AnyaKnowIt Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:46

Your MIL needs to get a grip ASAP what an over reaction!

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:31:41

Your MIL has reacted ott about this perceived slight and saying she doesn't want to see your DD smacks of your MIL wanting to punish your DD as she must know that she enjoys seeing her.

I suggest you don't bother with her until she grows up ignore as not feeling charitable tonight.

DowagersHump Sun 18-Nov-12 20:33:54

OFGS - what a storm in a teacup!

Your DD was honest and your MIL is being stupidly oversensitive and very childish.

I'd just laugh at an adult who behaved like that

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:38:09

Mostly Mil is fine though sometimes I feela s if I am walking on egg shells so I don't say anything that might be percieved wrongly.
A few times I have done something said something that has been taken the wrong way or missunderstood. There was an incident when dd wasn't feeling very well we still went to mils adn dd was very quiet and sat with me nearly the whole time. Whilst there I told dd that some people call a cats bottom a rose bud. Dd laughed and said she wouldn't want to smell that one. Mil has cats, thought Dd was being very whispery and giggly with me, Sil over heard something about cats bottoms and they thought we were being funny about the cats. Mil of course told dh, he told dd off thinking that she had been funny about the cats and it was myfault because I'm not over fond of cats. Dd was devastated, she loves gran she likes her cats. I sent a message to mil telling her dd was really upset, explained that dd was sat with me quiet because she wanst very well and that she hadn't been mean about the cats. I got a message back with the gist being 'we'll forget about it and the less said the better.
Another occasion I had told dd not to spend a long time on the computer at the night time so dd had told gran 'mum said I can't go on it' (She could have still gone on it the next day). That was taken as Me being bossy and spoiling mils time what she chooses to do with her. She was a bit funny with me for a couple of weeks after that. a bit quiet with me.
I aslo asked my mum if she wanted to go swimming with me and mil. and mil then backed out and now I suspect it was becasue I had asked my mum without checking it was ok with her.
I also didn't let dd start having sleepovers until she was about getting on for 6 ( shes now 7 3/4) because till then she was still waking throught the night when she wet her sleep pants or just was waking and calling for me and I thought it unfair for inlaws to be disturbed through the night because of it. This was taken as me not wanting to 'let go' which was implied and hinted at.
So I know that this will also be blamed on me.

LittleBairn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:39:35

While your DD may have been rude your MIL is being manipulative and a bully to say she doesn't want to see or speak to her a couple of weeks. Your DD is being punished for being honest that she wanted to be at home many 7 year olds aren't ready to stay overnight with others regardless of their family connections.
It could have been avoided if your MIL respected your DDs feelings and called you or brought her home notepad she ignored your DDs wishes upsetting her further only then to come home and be verbally abused by her own father for upsetting his mummy. They both owe your DD a massive apology.

LittleBairn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:41:33

Cross posts Your MIL sounds controlling and hard work and your Husband seems to back her bailout no wonder your DD is uncomfortable at her house!

Pinkforever Sun 18-Nov-12 20:42:00

Your mil and dh both sound like twats. Tell them to get the fuck over it.

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 20:44:27

vigglewiggle hmm. You think the OP's 7 year old dd was being manipulative? I actually found your overuse of that word with regards to an upset child really odd. Is that your first point of call for all emotions displayed by children? My dd is 6 and I would be quite sad if she had been upset like that, manipulation would not even have crossed my mind.

OP agree with poster who says MIL needs to grow up. Dd is A CHILD! I am afraid I would tell her quite categorically to get a grip. I'd be embarrassed for her actually. Honestly do NOT buy into this, it's pathetic.

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 20:46:37

Oh and if she said she wouldn't see her for however many weeks because of it, then she would be told very bluntly what a tit she was being and that dd will see her when she (MIL) has stopped sulking!

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:48:54

Gosh thanks for all your replys. I type so slowly by the time I had finished responding to first comment all those had come in! Our D.d is very polite, we always remind her before she goes anywhere to remember her manners don't ask for anything or expect acertain thing because it has been done/given before etc.. We are really proud of her how she behaves normally (sometimes we have to give her a gentle reminder like 'p' if she has just being given something and then she will remember and say 'please' or she might talk about biscuits at someeones house hoping to be given one and we'll give her a look or just say her name and she'll realise or if not later we will remind her or tell her depending on the situation that she is not to do that it is bad manners etc..
She isn't manipulative either she doesn't ever play me or dh off against each other or anything like that.
A few times at home when she has been particularly tired she has cried and said to me I want daddy, And I've just given her an extra hug and told her that when he gets home dh will come and see her and that shell be asleep by then..

I think the letter and then forgetting about it is a good idea. I think we'll do that.

SingingSands Sun 18-Nov-12 20:52:27

I think your MIL has overreacted. And now made things worse with her "I'll not see her for a few weeks" response. How does that make things better? How will your DD understand that?

She sounds like a right piece of work - HARD work. Is your DD the only grandchild I wonder? It sounds as though your MIL is being rather possessive of her affections.

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:54:47

And yes Littlebairn I wondered why she couldnt have rang us and told us dd was upset, we could have talked to her said goodnight and told her sweet dreams we'll see you in the morning.

HellothisisJoanie Sun 18-Nov-12 20:56:10

why are you on this topic?

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:56:58

Singingsands dd is the inlaws only grandchild. After reading thes in moring I am going to give lots of extra love to dd, let her write a little note to post to gran and see what happens next. Thanks for your support. I shall also tell dh I think his mum is over reacting!

vigglewiggle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:57:08

It depends akaemmafrost - if you are interpreting my posts as me blaming the child, then I haven't expressed myself clearly. What I was trying to say was that because the adults around her (particularlly MIL who I described as childish and ridiculous) are allowing her to see that her behaviour creates such extreme reactions, they are encouraging her to behave in this way. The adults need to change in order for the child to adapt better to difficult circumstances. Children will manipulate and provoke reactions if they know they can get something out of it. To believe otherwise is naive.

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:58:49

hellothisisJoanie. I thought this was the right place to post this?

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 21:13:51

"Children will manipulate and provoke reactions if they know they can get something out of it. To believe otherwise is naive."

Mine don't. Dd, is 6, if she's scared she's scared, she has no front whatsoever. What you see is what you get. My ds has ASD and is incapable of any kind of subterfuge.

In spite of your most recent post, your first one still makes me feel uncomfortable and I think it's quite strange to prioritise that as the reason for a 7 year olds behaviour.

DameFanny Mon 19-Nov-12 19:40:24

Don't write the letter to apologise - just a nice thank you for the sleepover.

Your mil sounds like hard work, and a child should not have to watch what they say for fear of mortally offending an adult - common politeness yes, but not have to deny their own feelings.

treedelivery Mon 19-Nov-12 19:47:21

Blimey! I thought dd was going to be 15 or something!

I'd hope to control myself if a 7yo said this to me. In fact, my 8 year old can stab me straight in the heart a couple of times a day.

If adults are not perfect it seems crazy to expect a 7yo to be.

ANd what is ParentPort?

PiedWagtail Mon 19-Nov-12 19:50:42

Dear lord. Your MIL is being insane and overreacting completely - what is she teaching your dd if she doesn't want to hear from her/see her? That adults sulk like Year 2 girls!!! Great. doesn't sound like your dd misbehaved or was rude at all. And your dh needs to grow a pair - how could this be miscontrued as YOUR fault??

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 16:54:35

Well I sent an email asking her to tell me what was so terrible that she doesnt want to see her etc because me thinks that there is more to this than is being said.
I got a suprising reply in that its Not DDs fault, dont question her about it, didn't say two weeks just 'some time' to get over the upsetment.
She doesn't want an appology from dd as there is nothing to apologise for.
The phrase 'out of the mouths of babes' was used and 'leave it now I will see you when I'm ready.
I showed Dh the reply And He Was Totally Confused. He had definatly got the impression that it was Dds fault and that was why he was so upset. We sent another message saying that DH had got that impression etc and what has been said!?!

No reply as yet.

I have told DD that we have had a message off gran to say she isn't cross with her and she doesn't have to say sorry for anything and DD is now much happier.
I think the ball is in her court now and if anything alse is said we need to all sit down and discuss it like Grownups!

NatashaBee Tue 20-Nov-12 17:07:59

your MIL sounds utterly childish. Personally I would reply back to the email letting her know that and asking her again to explain what the hell was said rather than resorting to the ridiculous hand-wringing dramatics. Your DD must be very confused and hurt, even if she did say something it probably wasn't intended maliciously, and your MIL is being very cruel.

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 17:12:15

Your mil sounds very petty and silly.
She doesn't want to see or speak to your dd for a while?
Don't send a letter.
Don't do anything.
It will blow over.

akaemmafrost Tue 20-Nov-12 17:13:01

I can't believe that a 7 year old has been guilt tripped about this to be honest. Dd feels much better now? There was nothing to feel bad about in the first place. Sorry but I would be telling Granny to get a grip pronto!

BlueberryHill Tue 20-Nov-12 17:27:27

Just a suggestion but your MIL may think that you don't want your DD to have sleepovers with them and you have said so in your DD presence, hence DD repeating what you have said.

I may be reading it wrong but because you posted previously that DD didn't stay over until she was older and it was perceived as you not letting go. Out of the mouths of babes etc.

I think it is shocking of your MIL to be behaving like a spoilt child / drama queen (take your pick) over this, refusing to explain, not your seeing your DD for weeks until the pain has gone..... It just makes everyone walk on eggshells around her in an attempt not to offend. I speak from experience on this one.

BlueberryHill Tue 20-Nov-12 17:35:58

Oh, do you really need to apologise. A similar situation happened to a friend of mine, the PIL in question were upset about it, but instead of punishing their GC looked at ways of making his time with them more exciting. Exactly how GPs should behave, like mature adults.

I think that your MIL will have to rachet up the pain that it has caused, all of her own making, to justify the fuss that she is making about nothing.

MikeOxard Tue 20-Nov-12 18:05:37

Sounds like your MIL overreacted massively to nothing. Dd was not rude, just upset. Your Dh was very wrong to tell dd off for upsetting his mum when he didn't even know what was said and she has form for overreacting previously. He really upset your dd for nothing, she shouldn't have been told off for that. Before speaking to dd about anything, it should have been clarified with MIL what was actually said, and then MIL should have been told to get a bloody grip. Poor dd, I'm not surprised she likes it better at the other grandparents' house.

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 18:08:34

I just wish she would get it out in the open what I have done to offend her.It must be me if DD isn't to blame.
I want a list so I can see and than answer to 'my crimes'!
BLUEBERRYHILL, Is your experience any better now? Or are you still really carefull?
I do feel that if I just say 'sorry for offending you/have said something to hurt you' that it will be a bit of an empty sorry because I don't know what it is that has 'done it'
Thanks for all your support/ideas everyone. thanks

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 18:10:28

Stop worrying.
It's not your fault or your Dds.
Your mil is silly and hugely over reacted.
She it'll realise that in time.
Let it go.

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 18:17:04

MikeOxard Now dh has seen the reply he is ok again. I think it was the shock of seing his mum in tears and getting the impression that it was his own daughter that had done that.
He too is wondering if it is a build up of stuff that mil has been bottling up. But she needs to tell us!

alwaysworriedtoo Tue 20-Nov-12 18:18:11

Thanks Badvocsanta!

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 18:35:51

I am old and wise.
Trust me
<nods sagely >

Badvocsanta Tue 20-Nov-12 18:40:33

....well...I'm old sad

akaemmafrost Tue 20-Nov-12 19:00:05

Sorry but BOTH MIL and your DH sound like complete drama queens.

schobe Tue 20-Nov-12 19:11:11

Your DH was spot on when he said it will all turn out to be your fault. Her email translates as:
it's not DD's fault = it's YOURS
Don't question her = stop stirring, looking for trouble and trying to twist things
there is nothing to apologise for = she's an innocent child whereas YOU should apologise daily
out of the mouths of babes = she's repeating what you've told her about it being so much nicer at your mum's house, turning her against her gran

There's obviously a huge undercurrent here about you and she not getting along (in her mind at least). Obviously we've only had your side of the story and from that she sounds loopy.

The only thing I would wonder about was why you invited both grandmother's swimming - and without telling your mil that was the plan. You must know there is this tension there and she is insecure about not being favourite granny?

BlueberryHill Tue 20-Nov-12 19:17:27

always, it is still the same but its my DM. I just try (and usually fail) to not let it bother me. I never know what it is I have done, I've said something wrong and apparently offended by mother. Both my parents then give me the silent treatment to make me feel bad. I don't think they articulate their feelings like that, but that is the result. In the end, a couple of weeks pass, nothing is explained or discussed and it is as though nothing has happened. The rest of the time we have a good relationship and they are great with the GC, there is just a blow up every 9 / 12 months and its a price I pay. I'm trying to deal with it objectively but it hurts.

Anyway, I hope this is sorted out but adults shouldn't use children as pawns. Your DD has done nothing wrong.

KeepYerTitsIn Tue 20-Nov-12 19:22:23

Your MIL, as I'm sure you realise, is behaving like a child and being manipulative. Your DH is enabling her and being unfair to DD. And vigglewiggle sounds like a rather nasty person. Ignore all the childish behaviour and tell DH he needs to stand up for you and his DD.

helpyourself Tue 20-Nov-12 19:27:40

Meh, MIL's a drama queen, but really don't engage. Poor Dd.

alwaysworriedtoo Wed 21-Nov-12 15:07:42

schobe, I mentioned the swimming to my mum because she had been asking when we are going again and I thought she might like to come, she was really keen. I was going to tell mil on the Sunday when they came round. But it just happened that my mum and dad came round too and my mum got there first. Thinking of this I know with hidsite I could have handled it a little differently but I just thought 'Oh, great we could all go together!' I even asked my sis in law (DH sis)if she was going to go too(she wasn't).I thought it might have been fun. Maybe not as mil backed out so quick.sad

ethelb Wed 21-Nov-12 15:11:10

my sister told my mum repeatedly that she wished our auntie was her mother at abotu the same age.

Children don't get it and don't mean to offend.

alwaysworriedtoo Wed 21-Nov-12 16:08:02

Couldn't remember the word I was thinking of eirlier and had to rush off. Bonding. I thought it might be good bonding time.
All us girls together, having a giggle before, during and after...

SandyMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 29-Nov-12 10:40:34

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