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I feel sick, im so worn down!

(60 Posts)
mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:06:04

Many of you will know ive had issues with dh.
I felt that all was good because he didnt beat me, fuck other women and worked hard.
Being on here lots of people felt i was selling myself short.
Im increasingly unhappy, cant talk to dh about anything, he either sulks in a mood, or shouts. He makes me think im being dramatic or too demanding.
Weve just got home from rugby and he upset ds1, nothing serious but just general winding up and ds1 ended up in tears, and i ave to say i know how he feels. Sometimes i just want to cry too.
So now dh has stormed out, making it all about him, as usual. He came back and said hes sick of walking on egg shells and i said maybe he could think about how his behaviour affects us all. Hes gone out again now sad

dont know how to feel or what to think, but im sure i cant go on living like this

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:30:43

Hello?

Doneinagain Sun 18-Nov-12 14:33:55

Hello Mosschops not read any of your threads before but didn't want you to go on unanswered.
Well he sounds like a real chore to be honest. On balance what good things do you get out of the relationship? What does your DS enjoy from his dad....are there more good times than bad? If not what do YOU want to happen next?

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:41:04

Im not sure what i get out of it atm tbh! Its easy because life isnt much of a struggle financially and we have some nice friends, although we dont share any interests at all.
Ds1 says he feels a bit bullied atm by dh and i can see what he means, sometimes i feel a bit like that but at least im older and stronger to deal with it. Ds1 is just crying sad
dont get me wrong he loves the dcs but i dont always agree with his parenting, however im far from perfect and am known to have a good shout and scream, dont want to paint myself as the perfect wife and mother cos deffo am not

Doneinagain Sun 18-Nov-12 14:44:26

Hmm could he be suffering from depression? Are you also a little down? How are you both sleeping etc and how hard is your DH working?
Whenever I feel undervalued and in appreciated I try very hard to make some one on one time with my DH even if that's a meal or a movie. If you are not struggling financially and the DC's are old enough cld you go away for a weekend just you and him?

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 14:51:52

We could go away but right now i dont like him enough to do that.
He works a normal week 6-6 but two hours of that is driving. Im working full time but sort dcs in morning, and pick up from various places, am also doing a masters (fannying about in Uni according to dh).
Im tired, he does no housework, i cook every night except saturday, he baths and beds the dcs.
He shows little respect for me, this week i went on a really interesting course and we sat down to dinner and i said 'the course today was really interesting ', he replied sarcastically 'ammaaaazzzing' so i shut up, he then said 'so are you going to tell me about it' and i said 'no not now'. To which he thinks im being touchy!

Numberlock Sun 18-Nov-12 15:03:06

I remember your other thread. Perhaps someone could link to it.

My advice hasn't changed and I'm not surprised to see you back on here.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 15:36:47
mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:49:57

He's home and sulking, says no point in him being there if no one likes him hmm that he can't change and is what he is!

Right you are then angry

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:28:15

Hi Moss

I would take the opportunity to help him out the door with such a helpful comment as that one. If someone was upsetting my child to the point where they feel bullied, then I think thats the deal breaker for me.

I appreciate it is different for everyone, but to be honest it doesnt seem like there is a lot keeping you together other than the kids, and even they have a negative outlook on this.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:47:12

I'm just scared of actually saying it, although I think we would both be happier.
Has anyone ever regretted taking that step?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 18-Nov-12 18:50:32

Moss I can't believe he's upsetting DS like that, what a fucking vile arsehole.

I am so angry and sad for you, because you are obviously a good woman who works hard for her family.

I could not live like that though, I just couldn't.

ll31 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:52:19

Would you go counselling together?

ll31 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:53:04

you both seemed in other thread to want to stay together

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:54:30

smile don't be fooled I'm not a good woman, I scream at my dcs, and last week I made Ds cry (not on purpose) and Dh had the nerve to say 'have you hurt him' hmm
So am not perfect but sometimes I cringe at the way Dh is with ds1 sad

I don't know what to do

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:55:57

Oh and I did apologise to ds1, which is something Dh is incapable of.
I really think I would be less irritable if I was just relying on myself

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:57:10

We went to relate years ago, complete waste of time, he took none of it on board and refused to keep going after 3 sessions

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 18:58:26

Your son is saying he feels bullied by his father and you ...erm, remind me what you are doing about that ? You "identify" with it ? Oh, that's ok then.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:01:29

I have said it before. I have always felt you were strong and am very sad to see you posting such an unhappy thread again. Your husband is cruel.

I really feel - and obviously ignore me if I am talking bollocks - that if you are unhappy then get out. It is enough. You don't have to specify XYZ. You feel it therefore it is fact.

If he truly loved you and the famnily he would want to change.

I know once DH said something hurtful to me about how I was with the kids and it hurt because he was right. I have tried hard to be better but find motherhood the hardest thing I have ever done and still fuck up most of the time but I am trying. Is he?

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:03:11

Any fucker what are you talking about

Chooster Sun 18-Nov-12 19:04:17

Oh Mosschops this is exactly where I am... I was considering starting a thread on it as I've not broached this with real life friends. My DH sounds quite like yours in many ways - he sulks and everything is about him and how he feels, he mocks me and the kids and is a bit of a bully - especially to DS1 (I have 3 DS's) who is quite sensitive. My 2 eldest DS's often end up in tears when DH is involved in getting them out and ready for school as he is just too heavy handed and everything has to happen the instance he asks. This sentence sums him up - If I can ever not hear something he has said then I'm 'deaf', if he doesn't hear me then I've mumbled. Its never him.....

He does have many good points but this side of him is grinding me down. We've had a huge row last week and only just coming back to talking terms. He thinks we should do some fun stuff just me and him but inside I'm crying out "its too late - I dont want to!".

I guess I'm just sympathising - I have not answers. I can't see growing old wiht this kind of stress - relationshiops shouldn't be that hard.

Which makes you happier - imagining a family night in with him or without him? For me the idea of a family night in is more fun without him there nagging the kids, but I've not made that mental leap to what that means for our relationship.

cheesesarnie Sun 18-Nov-12 19:06:03

What do you want from life op?

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:07:57

Moss the bottom line sometimes is that the moment anyone goes for your kid just because your an adult and can take it, he is a kid so thats a grab dp lovingly by the throat moment and telling him to back the fuck off.

Your child is letting you know he needs your back up, and that might mean getting his Dad out the door for some much needed breathing space, for all concerned.

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:12:50

What am I talking about, moss ?

I am responding to your thread.

You need to protect your son. Why are you not ?

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:15:06

Chooster do you want to come and live with me grin
For me life is easier when he's not here because I'm just doing it all myself rather than resenting him for not doing it IYKWIM

I'm too old for this shit

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:15:55

Anyfucker please don't be mean, Dh could say the same about me I suppose sad

Numberlock Sun 18-Nov-12 19:19:03

... even more reason to separate then if you're both making your son suffer

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:19:27

I am not being mean, love, I promise

I was your little boy, growing up. I detest my father, but I reserve a special sort of contempt for my mother who knew how she, and her children, were being damaged by a selfish and inadequate man, but found reasons to stay with him anyway.

She is still with him. He still treats her like shit, except now there are very few people to witness it as they have all drifted away over the years (including her children...)

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:23:51

Thanks anyfucker smile that's a real eye opening post, I'm sorry you had to go through that

Chooster Sun 18-Nov-12 19:24:48

Yes please mosschops! how old is your DS1? Mine is 8 and I struggle so much with thinking what the hell is the best thing to do for them. Sometimes DH is great with them, playing lego etc, bit of rough and tumble play... other times he's just awful. Neither of my elder DS's wants to do anything with him. They always ask for me to do breaskfast / take them to school etc - they always want to sit with me in the car... I always get up with them every day now as I dont like the stress and shouting that goes with him being up. As an example, we've recently had a new kitchen put in and he tells them off if they open the cupboard doors too roughly! hmm

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:32:47

Dh is usually great with the dcs, it's just sometimes I don't agree with the way he is.

I just asked him something about the fridge, he said 'ur big enough to figure it out' and I said 'please don't talk to me like that', he replied 'well you shouldn't have opened ur big mouth this afternoon, you won't have to listen to it for much longer'

Think it's the final nail in the coffin for me sadangry

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:34:05

My father was sometimes "good" with me. When I was very young, I craved his attention and when he gave it I was so happy and grateful and silly and excited.

Then he would do or say something to my mum, or he would have a bad day and take it out on us, or he would embarass me in front of my friends/neighbours. That is a terrible thing for a small child.

As I grew up, I stopped "forgiving" him every time. I stopped playing along with the "nice/nasty" cycle. I wouldn't be "nice" when he wanted me to, because of course it was all on his terms, and he made me pay for that. He didn't like it one bit, and that was when slowly but surely I grew to know him properly. I matured, he never did.

My mother would say she "understood" how I felt, and agree how unfair he was being. I learned quite young that actions not words are what is important.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:39:29

He sounds vile.

Sorry for you all mosschops.

Mosschops,

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; think carefully about what both you and your DH are teaching your child. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to this young person.

You do not really know yourself what you get out of this relationship but something keeps you within it; what is it?.

I think it is only when you are free of your H will you exactly realise how cruel this man actually is and will perhaps also wonder to yourself why you put up with him for so long.

AF is bang on here. Actions indeed speak louder than words.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:46:32

God he is vile, vile, vile we have basically admitted we don't want this anymore and I said we'll we need to have a talk!
He said he's not going to talk and 'don't expect me to be nice' angry

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:48:01

angry sad

I would be making a 30 minute appt with a Solicitor first thing tomorrow morning.

You cannot go on like this and your children will certainly not thank you for remaining with such an individual if you were to choose to. You have a choice re your H Mosschops, your children do not. This is not the legacy of childhood you want to be leaving them.

Your H only loves his own self; everyone else is an inconvenience to him.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:51:14

Oh just tell him to go. He is being a total pig.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 19:52:06

I'd be temped to say you weren't expecting him to be nice as he hasn't been for ages but then that would be as bad as him.

Talking with him anyway is a waste of time; he did not talk at Relate either. There's a surprise, not. Such men never ever admit wrongdoing nor accept any real responsibility for their actions.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 19:54:33

Moss follow up his comment with, you know where the suit cases are and dont let the door hit your arse when you leave.

Do not let this man damage your own relationship with your children. I write that because if you were to stay and put up with him, your children when adults could realise that you actually put him before them and despise you for doing so. They will see you as weak and will also despise you for not putting them first.

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 19:58:58

Attilla, that is precisely the relationship I have with my own mother now.

Can there be anything worse than losing the relationship you should have had with your adult children ?

Can he do worse than that to you, moss?

Imagine this. You and he together in your old age. You are still managin ghis moods and ducking out from under his bad moods and selfishness. Your children are out there somewhere, perhaps even living relatively close by. They pay you the odd duty visit and see you at Xmas, because they have to and they feel sorry for you still stuck with him.

And that's it.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:01:51

Apparently if I don't 'take a firm hand' with ds1 he will 'walk all over me' in a few years!
I said no, if he learns from you he will walk over every woman he meets for the rest of his life'
'No he won't says Dh
Damn right he won't says mossy grin

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:06:54

I agree. My mother chose numerous boyfriends over me. Never ever forgive her.

imtheonlyone Sun 18-Nov-12 20:07:49

You sound very unhappy OP - I was in a similar situation - H was a bully, had no time for family but wanted one to 'show off' when required, was controlling and abusive towards me (never physical abuse but he used to threaten it!) and generally an arse! This alone is wrong doing - there doesn't have to be lies or fucking of anyone else outside the marriage - but only you can make the decision. Although to me you are half way there as you have acknowledged that things can't continue the way they are. Well done on admitting this (its not easy) and trying to find a solution which is the right thing to do - for all of you. I had 18 months of relate counselling which got me through and have me the strength to do it. I felt like I was the one tearing the family apart ad she made me see that he had done that not me. But I had to be sure - I had I know that when I laid my head on my pillow at night I had done everything I could to make my marriage work. And I do feel like that now. I did, he just took no notice and thought he had such power over me that I would never have the strength to leave him. He was distraught - on the night I told him and after that he hated me again! It had gone so far and so badly wrong that there was no way to repair the damage. It does sound like your situation is similar.
But you both have to want to make it work and actively do things (counselling) to prove it. There is no shame in leaving a bully - I was gobsmacked at how many people told me how brave I was! I didn't feel at all brave. But I do know that I made the right decision. I'm happy now - I used to shout at my DCs - normally when XH was due home because I was so tense about his imminent arrival! I don't regret a thing. A soon as I moved out with my boys I felt free, I felt amazing. A weight had been lifted - I could be me again. A lot of your frustrations and lack of patience with DCs could well just be because you are so unhappy - I was just like that. The boys have never been happier - they get the best of both their parents now and they don't have to put up with our petty arguments anymore and the hostile environment that we had created in the family home.
I wish you loads of luck. Try to make lists of what you would like your life to be like and how you can achieve that. You deserve it - take care x

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:14:39

Thank you for that great post.

I just want a peaceful life with the dcs, I have a new job which I love, and I would just love to come home have dinner, relax, watch what I want on tv, not be nagged into sex and drink the odd glass of wine

TwinkleReturns Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:11

Moss my childhood was similar to AFs. I have no contact with my mother because I cannot forgive her for standing by and doing nothing when my Stepdad began excluding me from the family. He successfully isolated me and at the worst point hadnt spoken a single word to me for 7 years. He was all love and light with my young brother and mum but I was driven out through silence and neglect. My mother repeatedly told me she had "tried" to talk to him, that it hurt her that we couldnt get along. I was so full of hate by the time I hit my late teens that i couldnt be in the same room as her. I despised her for what she had put me through. It had huge effects on me. I was underweight, had stunted puberty and painful irregular periods that could last 2 weeks at a time. I was violently sick every morning, cried myself to sleep every night.

Please dont think that the good outweighs the bad. Please dont make that stupid STUPID mistake of thinking that a Dad is better than a LP family. If you fail to act now your DS will remember this. He will remember coming to you and telling you how unhappy he was and you doing nothing. Just like I remember begging my mother to do something, sobbing and sobbing that I hated my life, that I didnt understand what i had done wrong, why I was being punished. She muttered empty words and did nothing.

Ive gone so far now as to move very far away from her and prevent her having contact with my DC. That's how much Ive been burnt by her inaction.

I know its hard. Ive had to leave (in a scary grah a bag and run out the door way) an abusive relationship twice in the past year (because i went back). The turning point for me both times was seeing the threat to my DD and I didnt hesitate. There is no way in hell, knowing the effect it had on me, that I will ever allow anyone to upset, hurt or harm my children. Hell will freeze over first.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:55

God this thread has unearthed so much, I'm not sure Dh is on a par with some of this. He's a decent bloke most of the time but I just think we are making each other unhappy now and it's no good

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:24

You are having sex with this horrible man? Stop. It. Please.

TwinkleReturns Sun 18-Nov-12 20:41:25

Moss my SDad was a decent bloke some of the time. So was AFs Dad, so was my sexually and emotionally abusive ex. That doesnt mean that you blindly ignore everything else just because sometimes he is decent. Decent wont be what's standing out to your DS and it certainly isnt standing out to me.

mosschops30 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:43:01

Am I destined to a life of knitting a cardigan out of my own hair grin

AnyFucker Sun 18-Nov-12 20:44:32

It is under your control, moss. Laughs aside.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:05:10

I know some of the stories the ladies have to tell on here are in the extreme, but I can vouch for the fact that stuff we as adults think is by the by actually has a massive effect on kids, I see this every week, and despair of the sort of stuff we as parents allow our kids to see and experience.

By the Sat afternoon I just want to scoop them up and take them home, but I cant all I can do is try to give them the skills to get through and deal with their issues and give them some hope for their future.

JustFabulous Mon 19-Nov-12 07:39:23

mosscops30, how are you today?

Also, there is someone posting as mosschopz on another thread and I asked if they were mosschops.

joblot Mon 19-Nov-12 08:07:56

He sounds horrible and as if he does not like or respect you. Unbearable. Good luck getting rid

TwinkleReturns Mon 19-Nov-12 12:08:35

When i was living with my ex and trying to decide if he was abusive or not I used to go on and on about context. Its all very black and white when you write posts out; my situation with my parents reads as very extreme compared to your situation but at the time it never feels that extreme.

With my mum and SDad, things shifted slowly over time so that I didnt really notice that he stopped paying me any attention as I was busy with after school clubs, homework, exams, being out with friends etc. It slowly dawned on me that he had started to be "off" but put it down to all sorts as did my mum. For years I accepted the argument that he found it difficult to relate to a teenage girl, felt awkward around me when I was hormonal and having teen strops, didnt like to see me and mum arguing and so "withdrew". As an adult I can see that he just didnt give a toss, resented my presence as soon as mum became pregnant, slowly phased me out of his new little family.

When I now post about the situation its with the hindsight of knowledge - knowing that I can condense it all into a few paragraphs and knowing that the problems I had were due to that situation.
I didnt wake up one morning and say to my mum "I am underweight, have stunted puberty, am being sick all the time, hate my SDad and want you to do something" because life doesnt happen like that. I had lots of little conversations just like your DS had with you where I said that I wasnt happy. I was 14, I didnt understand that being sick all the time and weird periods was related to the stress I was under so i wasnt able to connect them. My mother was and chose not to. She watched me progressively getting worse and becoming more and more unhappy and isolated over a period of years and refused to join up the dots. Even when it had got to a point where it was staring her in the face she still couldnt add it all up.

She should have listened before the damage was done. If a child is unhappy at school we listen and we consider going to talk to their teacher/ head of year etc. We work out how we can fix this. So why should home be any different? You dont need to wait until your child is damaged to the point that they are ill, you dont need to read extreme ppsts on MN and think "well its not that bad and I wont let it get that bad" before you act. Damage control is far worse than prevention. The effect of my childhood on me is long term. I have no boundaries or understanding of red flags (without reading up and reteaching myself). I sought male approval throughout my late teens. I was sexually assaulted, I was raped and I waltzed into a highly abusive relationship. One of the first things I said to my ex when he tested the waters with EA was "No matter what you throw at me or however much you lash out I will not walk away from you, I will not give up on you" Which translated to him as "hello I am a human punchbag, please abuse me".

The damage that is done to DC just by allowing them to witness dysfunctional and EA relationships shapes their own boundaries, what they will and will not accept/how they will treat others. Girls are more likely to be abused, boys are more likely to have abusive traits. I watched my ex go from a damaged teenage boy to a cold, manipulative, controlling man. He had been witness to abuse and had been beaten and sexually abused as a young adult.

The information is all out there for you to take in at whatever pace you want to. Its hard to accept, believe me I know. But its harder still for my mother to understand how Ive turned out the way I have because she cannot accept what she allowed to happen. She will lie to herself until she dies because she cannot cope with the fact that she failed me as a mother time and time again.

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 12:11:53

I am so sorry, twinkle x

mosschops30 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:13:50

It's been an odd day, normally I would send him a text or call after a row, but last night I had some wine, got dinner for me and the dcs, ignored him completely. Today he couldn't bloody wait to talk to me, all we need to work it out for the dcs.

I told him this is not over and I will not sweep issues under the carpet this time I want things dealt with or else x

AnyFucker Mon 19-Nov-12 23:55:32

Push/pull

It's all a game, ain't it

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