Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do you think this "relationship expert" is right on why men lose interest when we show interest?(52 Posts)
You Tube vid explaining why men come on strong in the beginning and then lose interest once we show that we like them. I was a bit at first (thought it was all going to be about mind games etc) but its scarily accurate and I think he makes a lot of sense!!
What do you reckon?
It probably is true, but then would you want to go out with a man who only likes you because you act like someone you're not? No wonder so many people get divorced.
If someone likes you, they'll like you whether you call them at 3AM drunk telling them you love them or not. I don't get all this rule-playing and game-playing and pretending you don't like someone when you do.
I'm watching (hope this isn't going to be a waste of 14minutes)
The thing is, when I first started watching it he REALLY struck a chord. When my boyfriend and I first got together he was forever trying to arrange dates with me, sending me tons of texts a day etc - when I finally agreed to go on a date we did hit it off and it was great at first but I made it really obvious that I liked him A LOT and he backed right off. Realising my mistake, I cooled off too and put a bit of space between us and low and behold - he upped his game a bit. Texts became frequent again and he tried harder to see me, said stuff about the future and gave me tons of hope about us having a fture.
I fell for it again, got all soppy with him, made it obvious how much I liked him and "boom" same thing happened again - he backed off. Started saying he wanted to take things slowly. I was gutted. It took a while but I eventually cooled right off. Stopped texting him, started going out more with my mates and doing my own thing and needless to say - his texts increased, he started being "Nicer", arranging romantic things for us to do together --- but I kept it cool and didn't respond straight away and he remained all lovey dovey for ages! it was only when I started showing my true feelings again that he cooled off again!!!
I said to my friend last weekend "I'm not going to instigate ANYTHING for next week - as I want to see if he does instead". It got to the sunday night - the time when I normally ask him our plans for the week. I didn't mention it - eventually he asked if he could see me 4 times over the coming week.
This week, being the stupid cow that I am, asked him last night what our plans were for the coming week and guess what ... he didn't seem to want to discuss it!
I'm going to follow this guys advice I think. Had a long chat over alcohol last night with a girl friend too and she said the same thing - have a life that he slots in to - don't let him become something that your real life slots into now and again.
I don't think men in general are like this though. I would not be happy to play games like this in a relationship.
Ok, I've watched the video now. He's basically saying men like women with their own life and interests rather than women who drop everything to be with them. It's basically the same as Sherry Argov's relationship advice, nothing new really.
Your relationship sounds like a massive ball ache though, it shouldn't be that complicated.
have a life that he slots in to - don't let him become something that your real life slots into now and again
that is such excellent advice..... as a newly divorced lady (!) I need to have a life that a man slots into, not the other way round..... you need to have your own life and plans, share it with somebody else, but dont make them the be and end all, or you could end up with nothing..... I lost touch with some friends to spend time with the ex. They are still around and he isn't, so make time for yourself.
May watch that video later, have got a date who is pretty full on at the moment and Ive been warned that he may backtrack after we meet....
Its not about playing games though, it's about genuinely having more going on in your life than your boyfriend which is the mistake I make. I arrange my entire life around him. I've cancelled nights out with friends because it's a night I normally see him. I don't arrange anything for Friday nights because he stays here Fridays - I'm letting him rule my entire life. No wonder he loses interest, I give him my life on a plate, he doesn't need to work at it when he knows he's got me under any circumstances.
I don't want to start playing games, I just want to regain my life back and let him slot into it in a more appropriate fashion really.
I do think a lot of women make the mistake of dropping everything when they meet a new man. And they really shouldn't. But they shouldn't keep up their life AS A MEANS of keeping/getting a man.
A man should be a lovely addition, not the be-all and end-all. If you fill your life with a job/hobbies/friends/causes you love, then you won't even need a man.
AlexAndreN - This is not a theme in all relationships; it seems to be a theme in your relationship. Look at your posts - go on, really read them. Games already? Not feeling able to say how you feel? Time to call it quits and do some work to be more sure and accepting of yourself, I think.
You should always be able to say how you feel in a relationship. I don't mean call him at 3AM saying you love him after the first date. But if you like him on the first date, if you can imagine a future date, then say it!
If you hold back all the time, you'll end up with the sort of man who doesn't want you to voice your true feelings and why the hell would you want that?
See that's another thing. He kept hinting about spending Christmas with me so I invited him Christmas day. Big deal to do that isn't it? He agreed initially. Now he's all "oh well I should spend time with my family too - it's so difficult" ffs either you want to or you don't? And then NYE - I've held off mentioning it to him because I'm hoping HE instigates spending it with me. I let this slip to my friend last night who said "give him until December to mention it - if he doesn't, make plans with other people and tell him if he complains that as he never mentioned it, you already made plans - show him that you're not just going to wait around for him to plan your life for you"
She makes so much sense, love her to bits.
I think there's something in it. As a younger woman I was all enthusiasm, heart on sleeve stuff and got it mangled for my pains. As an older, independent woman who simply CBA with any of that 'he loves me, he loves me not' crap and is very much her own person, I can't get shot of men, however hard I try. I think, if there's any game-playing going on, it's in the traditional romantic set-up of everyone being on best behaviour, gussied up to the nines and acting the way they think people in love ought to act. That's the fakery ...
Alex, you need to stop the game-playing. Seriously. If you want to spend NYE with him, ask him. If he gives you a half-hearted answer, say "oh, ok, I'll make plans with someone else."
Your friend doesn't make an iota of sense. By waiting til December, you ARE putting your life on hold for him.
Get it sorted.
But it's always me instigating everything. He'll sometimes hint at stuff and then I'll ask but he'll never actually instigate anything.
Just this once, I want him to WANT me. I want him to put himself on the line and ask him about an important date in the calendar so that I don't ask and get a "yeah ok" response and spend the next few days feeling shit that I've seemingly had to force my boyfriend to spend the night with me.
Here's what I think you should do:
Ditch this man, work on your own self esteem. Have a fun life, filled with hobbies, friends, family and career. Then when you are truly at the point where you don't feel you need a man, maybe don't even care either way whether you have one or not, you will meet a decent guy who doesn't fuck with your head.
If you stay with this man your mind will be preoccupied with making it appear that you have a life that you won't end up having one.
I cross posted with you there. This man is not that into you. You really need to get rid as this is not good for your self esteem.
Alex, he won't change. My partner is a bit non-instigaty and I have learnt to live with it, but it does grate. It works for us, but if you want someone instigating stuff, look elsewhere.
People DO NOT CHANGE. Or they do, but because they want to, not cos you want them to.
AKissIsNotAContract has it right - "If you stay with this man your mind will be preoccupied with making it appear that you have a life that you won't end up having one."
"Just this once, I want him to WANT me"
And I WANT a Ferrari, but it's equally unlikely to happen. There's a lovely Dusty Springfield song which starts.... 'Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin' and prayin'. Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms... that won't get you into his arms'.
I'd be making plans for NYE and every other date in your calendar. Embrace independence. Stop wishing, hoping, praying, planning.... He's never going to be the person you want him to be.
It's like this week - I was stupid enough to ask him what nights he was staying over (I should have just left it and waited for him to ask me when was convenient). He initially said "err monday (he has to stay monday as we're driving miles away and won't get back until early morning) and Thursday (again, this is because he wants me to go and see a band with him) - normally he stays Sundays so I said "are you staying sunday?" and he was all like "errr no I have a bit to be getting on with on sunday, on ebay (I do have internet access!)
and then I was like "tuesday?" and he reluctantly agreed on Tuesday.
I'm going to cancel Tuesday. I do come on too strong, I realise that. It's just so bloody difficult when you really like someone and you can't work out whether they're on the same page or not.
'It's just so bloody difficult when you really like someone and you can't work out whether they're on the same page or not.'
I'll make it simple for you, sorry to be blunt but he's not. You are worth so much more than all this game playing bullshit, you just need to see it.
How do I know this: because I used to be where you are.
A word of warning though. If he plays these games early in the relationship, he is probably not in it for the long haul. That's fine if that's what you both want but if you have real feelings for him, you are likely to get hurt.
There's a name for people who behave like this - player. And they are not looking for anything serious.
I do agree with the video.. It's just common sense that if you have a full and productive life you'll be more attractive..
but OP, your relationship seems like a nightmare. By this time you should both be equally enthusiastic - I couldn't be as with the over-thinking and game playing. Do your own thing and if that has the effect of making him more like of want him to be then good. If it doesn't, it'll give you the opportunity to meet someone else whom values you more and makes you feel secure.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.