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Do you think this "relationship expert" is right on why men lose interest when we show interest?

(52 Posts)
AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:20:42

You Tube vid explaining why men come on strong in the beginning and then lose interest once we show that we like them. I was a bit hmm at first (thought it was all going to be about mind games etc) but its scarily accurate and I think he makes a lot of sense!!

What do you reckon?

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:24:43

It probably is true, but then would you want to go out with a man who only likes you because you act like someone you're not? No wonder so many people get divorced.

If someone likes you, they'll like you whether you call them at 3AM drunk telling them you love them or not. I don't get all this rule-playing and game-playing and pretending you don't like someone when you do.

I'm watching (hope this isn't going to be a waste of 14minutes)

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:32:34

The thing is, when I first started watching it he REALLY struck a chord. When my boyfriend and I first got together he was forever trying to arrange dates with me, sending me tons of texts a day etc - when I finally agreed to go on a date we did hit it off and it was great at first but I made it really obvious that I liked him A LOT and he backed right off. Realising my mistake, I cooled off too and put a bit of space between us and low and behold - he upped his game a bit. Texts became frequent again and he tried harder to see me, said stuff about the future and gave me tons of hope about us having a fture.

I fell for it again, got all soppy with him, made it obvious how much I liked him and "boom" same thing happened again - he backed off. Started saying he wanted to take things slowly. I was gutted. It took a while but I eventually cooled right off. Stopped texting him, started going out more with my mates and doing my own thing and needless to say - his texts increased, he started being "Nicer", arranging romantic things for us to do together --- but I kept it cool and didn't respond straight away and he remained all lovey dovey for ages! it was only when I started showing my true feelings again that he cooled off again!!!

I said to my friend last weekend "I'm not going to instigate ANYTHING for next week - as I want to see if he does instead". It got to the sunday night - the time when I normally ask him our plans for the week. I didn't mention it - eventually he asked if he could see me 4 times over the coming week.

This week, being the stupid cow that I am, asked him last night what our plans were for the coming week and guess what ... he didn't seem to want to discuss it!

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:34:45

I'm going to follow this guys advice I think. Had a long chat over alcohol last night with a girl friend too and she said the same thing - have a life that he slots in to - don't let him become something that your real life slots into now and again.

WitchOfEndor Sun 18-Nov-12 11:37:01

I don't think men in general are like this though. I would not be happy to play games like this in a relationship.

Bobits Sun 18-Nov-12 11:38:21

Boys do this, men do not. x

Ok, I've watched the video now. He's basically saying men like women with their own life and interests rather than women who drop everything to be with them. It's basically the same as Sherry Argov's relationship advice, nothing new really.

Your relationship sounds like a massive ball ache though, it shouldn't be that complicated.

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 11:42:18

have a life that he slots in to - don't let him become something that your real life slots into now and again

that is such excellent advice..... as a newly divorced lady (!) I need to have a life that a man slots into, not the other way round..... you need to have your own life and plans, share it with somebody else, but dont make them the be and end all, or you could end up with nothing..... I lost touch with some friends to spend time with the ex. They are still around and he isn't, so make time for yourself.

May watch that video later, have got a date who is pretty full on at the moment and Ive been warned that he may backtrack after we meet....

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:43:32

Its not about playing games though, it's about genuinely having more going on in your life than your boyfriend which is the mistake I make. I arrange my entire life around him. I've cancelled nights out with friends because it's a night I normally see him. I don't arrange anything for Friday nights because he stays here Fridays - I'm letting him rule my entire life. No wonder he loses interest, I give him my life on a plate, he doesn't need to work at it when he knows he's got me under any circumstances.

I don't want to start playing games, I just want to regain my life back and let him slot into it in a more appropriate fashion really.

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:44:56

I do think a lot of women make the mistake of dropping everything when they meet a new man. And they really shouldn't. But they shouldn't keep up their life AS A MEANS of keeping/getting a man.

A man should be a lovely addition, not the be-all and end-all. If you fill your life with a job/hobbies/friends/causes you love, then you won't even need a man.

Conflugenglugen Sun 18-Nov-12 11:45:20

AlexAndreN - This is not a theme in all relationships; it seems to be a theme in your relationship. Look at your posts - go on, really read them. Games already? Not feeling able to say how you feel? Time to call it quits and do some work to be more sure and accepting of yourself, I think.

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:47:20

You should always be able to say how you feel in a relationship. I don't mean call him at 3AM saying you love him after the first date. But if you like him on the first date, if you can imagine a future date, then say it!

If you hold back all the time, you'll end up with the sort of man who doesn't want you to voice your true feelings and why the hell would you want that?

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:47:28

See that's another thing. He kept hinting about spending Christmas with me so I invited him Christmas day. Big deal to do that isn't it? He agreed initially. Now he's all "oh well I should spend time with my family too - it's so difficult" ffs either you want to or you don't? And then NYE - I've held off mentioning it to him because I'm hoping HE instigates spending it with me. I let this slip to my friend last night who said "give him until December to mention it - if he doesn't, make plans with other people and tell him if he complains that as he never mentioned it, you already made plans - show him that you're not just going to wait around for him to plan your life for you"

She makes so much sense, love her to bits.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 18-Nov-12 11:49:39

I think there's something in it. As a younger woman I was all enthusiasm, heart on sleeve stuff and got it mangled for my pains. As an older, independent woman who simply CBA with any of that 'he loves me, he loves me not' crap and is very much her own person, I can't get shot of men, however hard I try. smile I think, if there's any game-playing going on, it's in the traditional romantic set-up of everyone being on best behaviour, gussied up to the nines and acting the way they think people in love ought to act. That's the fakery ...

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:50:05

Alex, you need to stop the game-playing. Seriously. If you want to spend NYE with him, ask him. If he gives you a half-hearted answer, say "oh, ok, I'll make plans with someone else."

Your friend doesn't make an iota of sense. By waiting til December, you ARE putting your life on hold for him.

Get it sorted.

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:52:48

But it's always me instigating everything. He'll sometimes hint at stuff and then I'll ask but he'll never actually instigate anything.

Just this once, I want him to WANT me. I want him to put himself on the line and ask him about an important date in the calendar so that I don't ask and get a "yeah ok" response and spend the next few days feeling shit that I've seemingly had to force my boyfriend to spend the night with me.

Here's what I think you should do:
Ditch this man, work on your own self esteem. Have a fun life, filled with hobbies, friends, family and career. Then when you are truly at the point where you don't feel you need a man, maybe don't even care either way whether you have one or not, you will meet a decent guy who doesn't fuck with your head.

If you stay with this man your mind will be preoccupied with making it appear that you have a life that you won't end up having one.

I cross posted with you there. This man is not that into you. You really need to get rid as this is not good for your self esteem.

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:56:17

Alex, he won't change. My partner is a bit non-instigaty and I have learnt to live with it, but it does grate. It works for us, but if you want someone instigating stuff, look elsewhere.

People DO NOT CHANGE. Or they do, but because they want to, not cos you want them to.

AKissIsNotAContract has it right - "If you stay with this man your mind will be preoccupied with making it appear that you have a life that you won't end up having one."

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 18-Nov-12 11:56:37

"Just this once, I want him to WANT me"

And I WANT a Ferrari, but it's equally unlikely to happen. smile There's a lovely Dusty Springfield song which starts.... 'Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin' and prayin'. Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms... that won't get you into his arms'.

I'd be making plans for NYE and every other date in your calendar. Embrace independence. Stop wishing, hoping, praying, planning.... He's never going to be the person you want him to be.

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 11:56:52

It's like this week - I was stupid enough to ask him what nights he was staying over (I should have just left it and waited for him to ask me when was convenient). He initially said "err monday (he has to stay monday as we're driving miles away and won't get back until early morning) and Thursday (again, this is because he wants me to go and see a band with him) - normally he stays Sundays so I said "are you staying sunday?" and he was all like "errr no I have a bit to be getting on with on sunday, on ebay hmm (I do have internet access!)
and then I was like "tuesday?" and he reluctantly agreed on Tuesday.

I'm going to cancel Tuesday. I do come on too strong, I realise that. It's just so bloody difficult when you really like someone and you can't work out whether they're on the same page or not.

'It's just so bloody difficult when you really like someone and you can't work out whether they're on the same page or not.'

I'll make it simple for you, sorry to be blunt but he's not. You are worth so much more than all this game playing bullshit, you just need to see it.

How do I know this: because I used to be where you are.

Fairenuff Sun 18-Nov-12 12:00:15

A word of warning though. If he plays these games early in the relationship, he is probably not in it for the long haul. That's fine if that's what you both want but if you have real feelings for him, you are likely to get hurt.

There's a name for people who behave like this - player. And they are not looking for anything serious.

HappyGirlNow Sun 18-Nov-12 12:00:54

I do agree with the video.. It's just common sense that if you have a full and productive life you'll be more attractive..

but OP, your relationship seems like a nightmare. By this time you should both be equally enthusiastic - I couldn't be as with the over-thinking and game playing. Do your own thing and if that has the effect of making him more like of want him to be then good. If it doesn't, it'll give you the opportunity to meet someone else whom values you more and makes you feel secure.

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 12:01:43

Ok I'm just venting now and rattling on but I am taking on board everything everyone is saying.

I'm starting to wonder if he see's me as an entertainment buddy with added sex. A few times he's said stuff about "Course I want to be with you, we do loads of cool stuff together" and about us going on holiday next year "course I want to go! I've not been away for ages"

It's never "Course I want this/that/whatever ... because I love you"

It's always about the stuff we do. Not me.

If we split up I can imagine him thinking he misses the times we had, but not me. Funnily enough, the same thing he once said about his ex wife.

Dahlen Sun 18-Nov-12 12:02:31

TBH, I don't think it's you needing to re-prioritise your life (though putting your own interests/friends/hobbies before a BF is definitely a good move) as much as it is that your BF is a twat. hmm

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 12:05:46

Alex I have to agree with Esme that by waiting until December you ARE putting your life on hold. It sounds to me like he is throwing relationship Frisbee's and seeing how high you will jump to catch them. He 'hinted' at Christmas and then as soon as you said you wanted to spend it together he started backing off. Not particularly nice behaviour on his part really.

If you want to spend NYE with him ask him straight out. Then if he fannies around with an answer don't waste your time trying to persuade him. Just go and make alternative plans. You can be sure as S**t that he will whine about it then. In response all you have to say is "Well you didn't seem sure and I needed to know what my arrangements were" It will give him the shock of his life hopefully.

Cancelling plans with friends to see a boyfriend is not good behaviour. Frankly your friends deserve better and you are just not that much of a doormat surely? Arranging your life around a man will not show him him how devoted you are. It will just make him think "Hmmm, this girl is really into me, how far can I push it? Not very nice I know but that seems to be how it goes most of the time. It's time to metaphorically grow a pair lady! grin

Oh and I would also suggest making arrangements to do something else one of these Friday nights of his very, VERY soon. It isn't 'game playing' as such. More showing him that you do have a life apart from him.

Oh and I've been to a Matthew Hussey seminar and I didn't rate him. His advice basically consists of chucking yourself at every man you see until one sticks. They also spend the entire 2 hours trying to get you to sign up to his weekend course which costs nearly £700!

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 12:05:57

AKiss I used to be exactly the same too. Worrying and hoping and taking up hobbies in the hope of meeting someone or filling my life until HE called.

Alex I don't think you need this man in your life. An entertainment buddy with sex sounds about the extent of his feelings. That's absolutely not a reflection on you - you just need to get rid of him and be on your own or find someone who IS on the same page.

Partners should love you and want to be with you without any game playing.

OwedToAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 12:07:09

This is the way this man is. He will be like it in 20 years. He is very unlikely to change. Do you want to be playing these games for the next 20 years and more?

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 12:09:30

Sorry OP but having read your further posts I have to agree with the ladies above. This man sounds like a player and a total nightmare. You really shouldn't be feeling like this so early on.

Take a step well away and think about what it is YOU want. I'm afraid from the sounds of it this man is neither capable of or willing to have a real relationship with you.

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 12:09:57

Ok so - say I do stop making plans, stop texting him, stop everything -

If he wants to stick around and still wants to be with me, what then? Does it mean anything?

Do I just cool it right off and get on with my life and see where we are 6 months from now and re-evaluate or just cut him loose completely? I won't like, that would be very hard for me to do because I love the git sad

Cut him loose completely. Ask yourself why you love someone who doesn't love you. Work on yourself and your own life. Look back on this in a few years when you have a great life and think 'WTF was I thinking?'. Then pass on what you've learnt to the next woman who faces this problem (like Esme and I are doing for you!)

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 12:12:46

What advice would you be giving someone in your position, OP?

Think about the fact that we can see this completely objectively since we know neither of you.

How old are the pair of you?

NotDavidTennant Sun 18-Nov-12 12:16:26

Why do you love someone who's being such a dick towards you? Don't you think you deserve any better?

Schlock Sun 18-Nov-12 12:19:58

A certain kind of man likes the chase. He's probably not worth bothering with because of the cooling period and the fact that he'll be chasing elsewhere before long. I've watched a very good friend do this cycle over and over again. She stays aloof and enjoys the chase, the moment she relaxes and shows interest they back off. Or on occasion they wait until they've done the whole moving in together thing and then have an affair.

They're not all like that.

AlexAndreN Sun 18-Nov-12 12:22:01

I'm 31, he's 41.

I suppose he just has the gift of the gab. I can be feeling like this, all empowered and knowing that I don't NEED him and he doesn't really deserve me but when I see him, I self implode and go back to being the stupid underdog that he obviously sees me as.

Don't see him then, ditch him over the phone.

strumpetpumpkin Sun 18-Nov-12 12:33:08

i think hes right for fuckbuddy situations, but not for long term stuff. Sounds exhausting if you have to constantly play it cool and make a man work for your attention.

Its not really been like that for my guy. Hes happiest when im being lovey dovey.

TheCrackFox Sun 18-Nov-12 12:40:33

I couldn't be arsed watching the video, sorry.

However, your "boyfriend" sounds like a complete bellend. I wouldn't tolerate his petty games (he acts like he is 14) and would drop him like a hot potato and wouldn't give him a second chance.

Conflugenglugen Sun 18-Nov-12 12:41:48

<bangs head on table. repeatedly. gives up>

Alex - you're not listening. I don't think you will. You have posted here numerous times, vacillating ridiculously from being head over heels in love to bemoaning the fact that he is game-playing.

Just. STOP. Get counselling. Work on your self-esteem. And stop using this discussion board as another 'fix'.

<walks away>

PeachTown Sun 18-Nov-12 12:46:23

Alex I'm sorry but I don't think he likes you half as much as you like him.

Playing it cool might gear him up for chasing you now and again but it doesn't last does it?

I never have to act a certain way to make DH like me more and I never did before we were married. We just like each other and want to be together in our spare time.

Being needy is off putting, yes. But asking your boyfriend when he's coming over or what he's doing for Christmas/new year is not remotely 'coming on too strong'. What you're doing sounds exhausting and pointless.

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 12:46:50

Not sure it makes someone a twat to be not as interested in you as you are in them.

I think you sound a bit pushy alex and like you're not letting the relationship find its own pace something I have been excessively guilty of in the past. I'd just back right off and try not to force things.

Alternatively dump him because there will be someone who wants to go at your pace out there which might make you happier. He maybe just isn't right for you but it's hard to see that when strong feelings are involved.

dequoisagitil Sun 18-Nov-12 12:49:21

He isn't that into you, I'm afraid.

Make your own arrangements for Xmas and NYE, don't wait around for him. He can always tag along if you're still together.

But you'd be better off with someone who doesn't play games and go hot-and-cold on you. He doesn't do it because of any deep meaning, he does it because he can and he doesn't give a crap how it makes you feel.

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 18-Nov-12 12:53:19

Look, this is all about self esteem. Both yours and his.

From his point of view he only wants someone who seems not to want him. As soon as someone shows any real interest, he doesn't want them any more. Can't you see what this means? He thinks there's something wrong with anyone who likes him and that only people who don't like him are worth having. This has nothing to do with the woman he happens to be involved with and everything to do with how he feels about himself.

No amount of game playing or life changing or bending over backwards on your part is going to make any difference to how he feels about himself, and therefore no difference to his behaviour.

HOWEVER, you're showing exactly the same behavioural traits as him! He pulls away, rejects you, and makes you feel terrible, and your response is to fall in love with him! Why is that? I'd bet my life savings that if someone came along who showed consistent, loving interest, you'd be inclined to back off yourself.

That Matthew bloke is just a chancer who has come to the very lucrative conclusion that he can make lots of money out of demoralised women with self esteem issues. Nice.

Oh god, just bin him.

I have been where you are and I'm sorry to be harsh but he's just not that into you. If you want some self-help go get THAT book, it's so liberating.

I know you are hoping he will suddenly change into this man who loves you madly but it has been long enough to know that's not going to happen. How many times do you want to be fooled by him?

Do you realise that somewhere out there is a man who is just as great as this guy, but who will actually love you and want to be with you all the time? But you're never going to find him if you're wasting all your time with this guy.

And why? I agree you should get some counseling and figure out why you are willing to be treated like this -- actually, why you love someone who treats you like this.

Please believe me, the story you are telling never has a happy ending. So don't drag it out any longer. Dump him now and then you can really enjoy your holidays without worrying about his nonsense.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Sun 18-Nov-12 12:55:11

I think you're addicted to the chase and the rules and the drama and the games-playing yourself TBH. You don't remotely "come on too strong" by making suggestions for how you and your alleged boyfriend can spend time together. That is normal. He is not normal.

It's your choice - either spend the next ten years chasing fuckwit men who can't have functional relationships with other adults, or wise up to yourself and stop rationalising to yourself that you can't help it that they overpower you with their tremendous charm or whatever. Nobody can make you do anything if you decide it's a bad idea.

Glimmerberry Sun 18-Nov-12 12:57:17

Yep, not that into you and also not into being alone. Does enough to keep ypu interested when he's concerned you might have cooled...when he's got you where he wants to cools off just incase he's expected to commit. Won't bring up NYE cos he's waiting for a better offer.

Honestly, this is not how men who are seriously interested in you behave. This is how Players, cheats and men who think she'll-do-for-now behave.

All this game playing seems to make some sort of strange sense when you're dating all the wrong men. When you meet the right one it's unnecessary.

Walk away from this one.

dequoisagitil Sun 18-Nov-12 13:03:16

I think fuckitthatlldo is on the money.

Not watching the link because while there are arseholes out there, there are also lots of decent guys out there. To suggest that ALL men behave in the same way is ridiculous. Similarly, there are women who play games too.

Just because a "relationship expert" (what a stupid phrase) says X doesn't make it so because it can take no account into an individual's own personality traits. Surely there is only one rule - if you don't like the way you are being treated, you either tell them and see if they change or fuck off?

Sometimes I wonder if the reason my DH married me was that I was possibly the only girl he'd asked out who wasn't interested. He was one of those guys who always had a girlfriend, and they always pestered him for marriage, but he wouldn't be tied down. I was friends with him for years before we started dating, and even then it took him 2 years to persuade me to go out with him. The thing was I had him firmly in the 'friend's box', it just didn't occur to me to fancy him. I only relented when I did something a bit unkind to him, and he just forgave me. It was like the penny dropped and I saw who he really was - I decent bloke, not a player. Once we did start dating I kept my own flat, never answered my phone, and nearly broke up with him when he dared leave a toothbrush at mine. I wasn't game playing, that's just who I am - independent and wary about being becoming involved.

To cut a long story short we were engaged within 6 months, and married after a year. We are still together 13 years later.

Perhaps there is something in it. Perhaps men do like women who are their own person and don't latch on to them. I know I prefer independent men. Nothing worse than a cling-on.

Bilbobagginstummy Sun 18-Nov-12 13:30:30

You're 31??? You're behaving like you're 15.

He's 41??????? He's behaving like he's a toddler.

I agree with everyone who says the problem is that he's just not that into you. Good grief - just get your life back and get rid.

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