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If your ex...

(129 Posts)
Pickles77 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:33:04

Suddenly decided to tell you he wanted to try again with your 9 week old baby after he made you leave at 24 weeks pregnant to go back to your parents, and leave your job. Whilst he spent your pregnancy in bed with someone you hate, what would you do?

Especially if you had just met someone wonderful else

With no deceleration of love or anything.

I really hope you agree with the four letter phrase with the last word ending off I just directed at him

seaofyou Sat 17-Nov-12 20:53:50

I think he is extremely jealous you are happy and just wants to mess your life up again...their is no going back after that! My ex asked me to take him back at 8 months pregnant because he had a row with the internet GF so wanted to jump back in my bed for 5 mins! I said 'you made your bed'!

I remember you Pickles when it happened and I was really worried for you and unborn baby don't let the abusive twunt have chance to do it again!
He had 25 weeks to come back to you and beg forgiveness and undying love...he hasn't done that yet...he just wants to screw you over again and you have been bitten once already...he was very cruel to you at the most vulnerable time of your life.

By the way congrats on the birth of your newborn babysmile

Whocansay Sat 17-Nov-12 20:56:24

How does the MN phrase go?

"Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more"

I think that should cover it.

All the best OP wink

LouMacca Sat 17-Nov-12 20:58:30

As above......

Pickles77 Sat 17-Nov-12 20:59:03

I used the MN phrase!! Can you believe that?!

Hello sea I remember your kind words, thank you they really helped. Thank you for posting smile

HecatePropylaea Sat 17-Nov-12 20:59:52

I'd think HA! You must be kidding, pal. Go back when you've got away from someone who treated you like shit? I think not.

Whocansay Sat 17-Nov-12 21:04:11

I bet it felt good telling him where to go!
Good for you!

I have not yet had the occasion to use the phrase, but I will... grin

seaofyou Sat 17-Nov-12 21:04:16

It's lovely to hear you have met your lovely baby now and he/she will help you heal from all this hurt by lots of MASSIVE hugs {{{{Pickles}}}}

ErikNorseman Sat 17-Nov-12 21:09:56

I'd laugh in his face grin

WildWorld2004 Sat 17-Nov-12 21:17:34

Id laugh in his face and then use the MN phrase. What a bastard he is.

SoleSource Sat 17-Nov-12 23:09:00

Block the using cunt.

xmasevebundle Sat 17-Nov-12 23:40:39

No pickles grin

Remember all the times hes use to make you feel like shit, asked when you was pregnant to try make a go at things and he blanked you...

Blank the twat back!

I really want to know what pickles dog thinks of this.... grin

Hope you and DD are okay x

Pickles77 Sun 18-Nov-12 06:26:23

Thank you everyone. smile

I thought the line 'I think we should try again for dd's sake, we could have a nice life' was the icing on the cake.

Not good enough for us for by a long way. Still hasn't bought DD anything hmm

MakeItALarge Mon 19-Nov-12 00:03:35

Ive read a few of your other threads pickles and Im SO impressed you sent the mn answer grin

What a deluded idiot he must be!

CanYouHearMe Mon 19-Nov-12 00:09:28

He might just have realised his mistake?

It is possible that he may have seen the light and wants to make a go of things. You know him best OP.

nametakenagain Mon 19-Nov-12 00:12:57

Ohhhhh, my heart goes out to you, that's rotten. But at the same time, gratifying. My unqualified advice is to be calm and patient and see how the land lies. Imagine what life will be in 5 years. What do you want for then?

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 02:53:24

I unfortunately can't forgive him. I love him dearly for giving me the most precious fb but that is not enough to heal the hurt.

My whole life had to change, I've had to rebuild from scratch. Had severe depression. Missed out on enjoying a pregnancy and he thinks that telling me he wants to 'try' is enough for me to uproot us all again. NO.

He only wants to know as i met someone else, who supports the big career change and life change I've just decided on. He is realising now what he is missing. It's been a fight for him to bond with DD.
It's a classic case of i don't think I want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either.

besides our physical relationship wasn't good enough to go back grin

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:09:56

Or could I be just fooling myself?
Deep down I do love him. He gave me DD

MakeItALarge Mon 19-Nov-12 16:20:24

If he does want to try then he should be starting by making an effort with your dd!

Im not going to say dont go back because its your mistake wink choice but you know he is only doing it out of jealousy.

If he has suddenly turned into a nice decent human being then he will understand you need time to think and that in the meantime he should be showing you he's sorry by being the best dad he can

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:21:43

Yes true!
No rolling over from me. I guess time will bring what will be around.
Thank you x

ErikNorseman Mon 19-Nov-12 16:22:59

You would be fooling yourself to give him another go. Really.

Well done Pickles! Every time I think you can't get any more fabulous, you do something like this grin good for you, he's an arse goblin.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 19-Nov-12 16:31:14

So, this "we" who is/are going to "try again"... does that mean he is going to try really hard not to fall over onto another woman this time, with or without throwing you out of the house; and did it by any chance include the word "sorry"? As in "I cannot begin to tell you how very, very, very..."

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:33:10

It would just be a dream really, it's what I wanted but it's too late.
Although its what I always wanted

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:34:24

I just realised he didn't say sorry sad
He said he would have to try and get over the hurt that I had caused by walking out on him hmm

izzyizin Mon 19-Nov-12 16:39:18

He gave me DD Big deal. You could have got pg using a turkey baster and you're best advised to think of him as he truly is - which is nothing but a sperm donor.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:41:29

izzy! I just spat tea everywhere. That was a truely quality post! grin

Flojo1979 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:09:39

Try again with 9 wk old baby? Or try again with u?
If with u then I agree with the MN phrase but I read it as try again with the baby not u, in which case, although he's been an idiot understatement its not too late for him to come to his sense and be a good dad, and UI owe it to your baby to comply.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 19-Nov-12 17:10:51

Riiiiight. The hurt that you caused, by... not refusing to be thrown out? Not getting on with the ironing while he got on with the shagging someone else? Not joining him and other woman for a nice threesome?

Pickles, the far side of fuck is too good for him.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:15:32

He wants to try be a 'family' he has told OW & she is 'upset' hmm but they both knew I was pg

kernowgal Mon 19-Nov-12 17:23:12

It's all about him. He couldn't give a stuff about you.

I would be tempted to direct him to this:

www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi1hNWYyODM3YzJlZWI1NTli

ivykaty44 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:25:55

congrats on the birth of your baby grin

As for the ex - well they usually ask to come back at some stage, do they mean it - I doubt they do really want to try again it is just that they found out the grass is the same colour and the novelty wore off...sorry to say. I would be extremly wary

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:33:24

Thanks guys smile

Jemma1111 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:48:32

Pickles, I would say that the only reason your ex wants to 'try again' is purely because he realizes that the torch you held for him is no longer shining brightly and your attentions have now turned towards your new man. Therefore he doesn't like it and will do whatever he needs to to make you want HIM again. He just wants to win you over and that is all.

Stay well clear because I would bet that if you give him another chance he will, before long, tell you he's made a mistake or whatever and be off shagging around again. You will then be kicking yourself for fooling you twice.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:10:31

Thank you Jemma. I am glad everyone's judgement agrees with mine because we all know that when I disagree with him I get the 'I'm being unreasonable' tripe to poison my mind smile

lovemenot Mon 19-Nov-12 18:16:04

No no no no no! I got sweet-talked back in after a 5 year split and it's now going to be a much harder situation to get out of.

So no! Enjoy your wonderful new baby, enjoy your life, enjoy being yourself and leave the fucker to his "unreasonable-ness" smile

B1ueberryS0rbet Mon 19-Nov-12 18:28:25

I would not get back with him under any circumstances. He left you when you were vulnerable. That must have been very distressing. Did he show any remorse or confusion about your distress. Now he is a spanner in the works of a new relationship! I'd say he's just a spanner!

B1ueberryS0rbet Mon 19-Nov-12 18:29:37

ps, I went back with an x once too, and I didn't even want to. He had this way of making me feel like I owed it to him though. Bah!

B1ueberryS0rbet Mon 19-Nov-12 18:35:00

Just read that he is not saying sorry and is talking about his pain and hurt?!

what!?

Anniegetyourgun said it. The far side of fuck is too near for him.

Dryjuice25 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:50:01

Tell him your daughter is already attracted to new "daddy" ....... and that he is the best thing that happened to you. He is a low life. Be happy he checked out sooner than later

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:14:31

Seriously yes his pain and hurt. And he's broken it off with OW for me and she is in a 'state' confused
Just trying to play with my mind hmm ass hooooole

dancinginthemoonlight Mon 19-Nov-12 19:26:30

Sounds like he was being very cocky.. (that you would fall at his feet and say you wanted him back). So now he's left with noone? What a shame...--serves the star biscuit right--

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:31:33

Love it!

Gather around for a good snort ladies I'm on the Pinot I found this text from him hilarious

'you give too much chat and not enough action'

hmm right

MakeItALarge Mon 19-Nov-12 19:32:10

The poor other woman hmm

My ex left when I was 4months pregnant. I do still love him, and miss him, and remember how good things were, and think how nice it would be if he was here with me and our son. But I also know he is the kind of man who can lie, cheat and walk away from his own son. I could never be with him again because I know he can walk away without a backwards glance, I would always be insecure and scared of doing or saying the wrong thing.

Tell him to get back with his ow. They deserve each other!

MakeItALarge Mon 19-Nov-12 19:33:04

Oooh pickles txt back

Thats not what my new man says wink

cupcake78 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:38:43

Pickles please don't go back to him. He's hurt you far to much already.

I can't believe your dd is 9wks already grin

aimingtobeaperfectionist Mon 19-Nov-12 19:40:31

Congrats on DD!

Just remember, he left you to have sex with another woman whilst you were carrying his child. He knew you were pregnant and still carried on being a wanker. He let you down at your most vulnerable time.
He just wants you and the OW to be fawning all over him.
Don't show your DD it's ok to be walked all over and treated like this. When she grows up she will respect you more for having the strength to stand up for your self and tell him you deserve better.
Be her role model. Not his doormat.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:44:08

<takes a bow>
Just directed the MN mantra at him again

Thank you for your support ladies
More Pinot anyone? pretend its not Monday

Xales Mon 19-Nov-12 19:49:28

Do you have any proof he has ended it with OW because he didn't exactly end it with you before getting with her did he?

Or perhaps she has seen the light and dumped him!

Or does he fancy a bit of Pickle on the side? You would become the OW if you were mug enough to believe him?

Anniegetyourgun Mon 19-Nov-12 20:00:57

So he's still dumping women and leaving them in a state. That shows how much he's changed hmm. (Although I agree with Xales, just as likely that she dumped him, hence why he's looking for a way back to a sure thing - he thinks.)

MakeItALarge Mon 19-Nov-12 20:08:11

Have a very very big wine pickles you deserve it! You must be feeling a bit smug though at finally getting to tell him to fuck off, I would!

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:14:14

Oh so very true smile

Viviennemary Mon 19-Nov-12 20:17:15

Do you want to try again. That's the important thing. I'd forget about what he wants for the time being. You've been through a really really difficult time. Don't rush into anything. That would be my advice.

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 19-Nov-12 20:20:52

Oh my actual god!
What a fucktard.
I let ex back a few times when pg and just before DD was born. He drank so much I had to ask him to leave the house when she was 6mo and he hasn't seen her since. Turned up unnanounced on doorstep and didn't even mention her (had a weekend bag ready to stay though hmm ) and now it looks like it has gone sour with his new g.f has suddenly decided he wants pics of his DD.
Don't get into any more mess with men like this. They never make up their mind what they want and walk over everyone else in the process.

Am being polite to him but really want someone to pull his nuts off with a rusty wrench.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:31:41

In a way I do want to try again but the urge to take a axe to his bits is very very strong.
It will take a lot to make me have him back... Ever

<off to bed to dream of an axe>

Xales Mon 19-Nov-12 20:39:59

Seriously you would have to be mad.

I understand you still have feelings, they take time to disappear but...

This guy has not shown one ounce of remorse. In fact you are still in the wrong for not laying at his feet with wipe here written on you in large letters and are to blame for all his misery.

He will do this again if you go back to him.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:44:43

I know He will honestly that's why I'm not going too. We deserve more

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 19-Nov-12 20:45:55

New guy sounds much more appealing smile
Give DD a better father figure if you like this new guy. Might take a while to feel you can trust again though, in my experience!

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:48:56

Oh yes I trust no one apart from DD --then she breaks it by throwing up--grin

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 19-Nov-12 20:54:21

Hehe! I remember smile
Try to enjoy her as much as you can. Hard when your mind is whirling, but honestly you will never get this chance again, and you must relish it. I found it really difficult as hormones want you to settle and nest and show off your bundle with someone else who appreciates her. I still struggle with that as only my dad and I in our family and it is hard feeling that only us two love her to bits... But he has to earn respect back from you to see her, but tell him all convo's have to be about her or you will not respond. I got loads of horrid msgs from ex and it is always better to ignore and not reply plus it seems to wind him up if I don't rise to him and give him more fuel to be 'mental'

Well done for being so strong, you rule.
Please take it super slow with the great new guy. I rushed into a relationship when I was a new, single mum and it wasn't one of my best choices. Your hormones will still be all over the shop too.
Hope that didn't sound patronising.

Pickles77 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:23:43

No it doesn't honestly in fact he's coming on a bit strong and is scaring me a lot so I think whilst it's done my confidence great I need to be alone for a while but I think he will understand.
--life's just one big drama--confused

BertieBotts Mon 19-Nov-12 21:29:20

I'm glad you're not taken in by the ex grin Keep it businesslike and polite if you can but hold on firmly to those boundaries.

Agree be vv cautious with new guy too. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or call it off for a while. Good luck!

Pickles77 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:23:48

Ended it with new guy. I asked for him
To back off a bit & woke up to a text telling me he loves me.
It's terrified me.
I feel so utterly rubbish and useless. That I have now gone and hurt someone. I do think maybe being alone is right.
So why feel awful

meditrina Tue 20-Nov-12 09:29:43

You feel awful because you know how painful a break up can be, but you have done the right thing in being honest with him and not keeping him dangling believing in a relationship that does not truly exist. This shows you still have your integrity.

It feels bad too because you are cutting yourself off from the comfort he offered you, and the times when new man can obliterate the pain. But it is better that you heal the wounds fully, then move on to the future much truer to yourself.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:40:02

I think you've done the right thing. You ask him to cool things and pretty much the first thing he does is the exact opposite. Boundaries, respect, consideration and all that. Besides, if you haven't been together all that long he stands a good chance of recovering quickly enough. It's only in a certain kind of romantic movie (which annoys the life out of me) that being pushy is a good thing and ends in the right people getting together. In real life it's quite rude and rather creepy. If it were a woman doing that to a man she'd be called a bunny boiler. Not sure what the male equivalent is, but it's not good news, whatever it's called.

(If anyone's going to pop on this thread now and tell me how their DH proposed to them on Day 1 and wouldn't stop asking until she gave in and they've now celebrated their golden wedding anniversary and it's been all bliss, I don't want to hear it, ok? And I won't believe them anyway. Even if they post photos.)

Pickles77 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:42:56

Thanks guys I deep down know I did the right thing

seaofyou Tue 20-Nov-12 09:45:35

grin @ Anniegetyourgun

ElizaBecca Tue 20-Nov-12 09:49:54

IMO he has shown his true colours at the most emotional time of what could have been your life together, ie when you were pregnant with HIS child. He blew his chances then. Big hugs x

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 13:06:16

pickles, if he were right for you then he'd have more accurately guaged that you need is space. I was seeing a nice guy and I am lovely wink and he is lovely but the dynamic or the connection between us wasn't enough and all the wisdom I've taken on board from Annie and Math over the years, I ended it and don't regret it although I miss him if that makes sense.. And, can I say that because he was a nice man, he has not tried to make me feel I did the wrong thing. He has accepted it. He occasionally sends texts but they are supportive and caring and not demanding answers or anything like that. Hth.

Pickles77 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:11:39

Oh b1ueberry that's what he is like. Lovely and supportive as a friend but in a relationship too much.
I think he may have been alone too long, and as a lone parent like me, he does have some wise words. But I feel he wants his dreams, and he wants them now:

Also calling me 'hunnybunny' constantly lacked its cuteness after a while. But we shall stay friends and I can't think him enough for the confidence boost.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 13:14:13

Hunnybunny? shock

Congratulations on a lucky escape there grin

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 13:30:02

grin

have a cup of tea - Boy George would brew

Pickles77 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:06:31

Because I asked ex a few questions about OW he's refusing to speak to me as I 'insist on dragging up the past' and he is so angry with me he can't speak to me.
Dd had her jabs today and is rather grouchy, has he asked. NO

Says it all really. He gets more and more unbelievable. If that was six months ago I'd have been apologising and begging for forgiveness by now he gets more and more unbelievable that it's funny now.

Was quite stressed due to grouchy DD but have lightened up now what with that and a choccy cake grin

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 20:42:25

So instead of acknowledging that he did wrong and that that hurt you and showing remorse, he is angry that you won't stop going on about it.

You are right, it does say it all. At least you can see how your reaction to it has changed.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Nov-12 21:15:11

You know, I read that book Watermelons a few years ago (was it Watermelons? I think so) - 'bout the woman who has just given birth when her DH comes in to tell her he's running off with a neighbour, and she's devastated and goes back to her family where she gradually recovers, finds potential love etc. At the end she goes to see him about possibly getting back together and he's all full of how very difficult she was to live with but he would consider taking her back if she behaved better. So she's thinking, wait a minute, who ran off with another woman the day his child was born, again? But he just carries on repeating that she is a bit of a nightmare but because he loves her he can cope with it, although there may have to be some changes etc. I thought that scene was unrealistic and kind of spoiled the story a bit. But then I found Mumsnet and realised that actually a lot of these buggers do exactly that!

Mm, chocolate cake. Hope DD is all better soon.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 20-Nov-12 21:37:41

Forget both of them. You don't need a man, although the confidence boost is no bad thing wink
If you are anything like I was you don't have the time or energy to find a decent new man. I know I wanted the support and love, but really, I spent 29 years (not quite but YKWIM) trying to find a guy like that and two years on from thinking I found one, he is certainly not. It is hard but you do need to be in the right place yourself first. I don't want a man at the mo as it is just too much drama. I need some stability and with DD on my own that is hard enough! I am going to my first WI meeting tomorrow and hoping it will give me a sense of ME back. It's a small step but these are the things we don't get time for as single mum's, but they mean so much more because we can so quickly feel ambushed and obliterated by our new lives.
I have hope for the future, with or without a man. Ex has nothing to do with me any more and I don't let myself think too deeply about what he is doing or has done as it doesn't help anything. You help yourself live the life you want first and foremost (with DD obvs!) and it will work out well in the long run.

B1ueberryS0rbet Tue 20-Nov-12 21:46:24

yeah, i read that book. i loved her last chance saloon book. my favourite of MK's for,,,,,,,,,, personal reasons!! there's a character in it who is emotionally abusive. it was a much more skillful characterisation than paddy de courcy in 'This Charming Man'.

Pickles77 Wed 21-Nov-12 05:01:25

I love that book. Yes that's what he is like. Telling me im a nightmare and difficult, I make everything a drama but he can cope with it if I try and change.
Amazing isn't it. There is nothing wrong with me. He just brings out my worst side.

Im going to go and get that book from the library today I haven't read it for years

B1ueberryS0rbet Wed 21-Nov-12 07:28:45

Ha! and we all know that that bullshit translates back into English as 'you must never complain about anything selfish or thoughtless that i do, or complain about anything fair and reasonable that I don't do. If you ever stand up to me or challenge me I will call that 'drama'. So are we on the same page now? Let's try again than shall we?

Some offer!!!

BertieBotts Wed 21-Nov-12 08:04:26

I don't think he brings any "side" out in you Pickles, I think he just thinks you're a nightmare because his idea of the perfect woman is someone who agrees with his every word, never objects to anything, is horny at the drop of a hat and loves housework so much that she never has any desire to do anything else! And because you don't fit into his (frankly, boring and impossible) mould he thinks you have a problem - normal emotional responses are "drama", normal objections/differences of opinion are you being "difficult" or "argumentative", wanting to have a sit down once in a while is being "lazy", having any interests which don't revolve around him or the children are "selfish"...

Luckily normal people are attracted to personality, rather than lack of it! And hence, he'll struggle to keep hold of any relationship for too long either (I like to think of this as karma grin)

B1ueberryS0rbet Wed 21-Nov-12 08:09:47

So true Bertie. that would have been my x's perfect woman. When I felt weary of arguing and slid into a 'put up and shut up' mode while I tried to figure out what to DO next that might work better than challenging him.... he would turn around to me with a big smile and tell me how well we were getting on. My deepest misery coincided with him being happy in the relationship.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 21-Nov-12 09:25:36

And let's not forget the parenthood model. It is the mother's job to wash and iron the children and hang them up in the cupboard until Daddy wants to play with them, then switch them off and take them away again when he gets tired/bored. Children shouldn't get dirty and noisy and have meltdowns and wake up in the night and need feeding at inconvenient hours and want to hog the TV when CBeebies is on and pull the plug out of your WII while you're playing it instead of minding them and get bored and whiny and sometimes ill and pukey. If they do, it's all the mother's fault.

Pickles77 Wed 21-Nov-12 09:34:33

Oh yes that is the life I would lead- lovely eh?
angry

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 21-Nov-12 09:36:56

Pickles - stay strong, you do not need that absolute wanker in your life, you are worth a million of him! I know it would be nice to be with your baby's Daddy and have the family you always pictured - but that would never happen with him and that's what you have to hold onto, he will always make you unhappy, full of self doubt and he will always make everything your fault, he's unable to take any responsibility for anything.

I bet he hasn't even told the OW.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 12:36:23

Why does he still have the ability
To make me feel shit??
And cause an argument with a straight talking friend?
And why is it me sat in tears yet again because I feel low & weak again. And I hadn't even let him in.

MakeItALarge Thu 22-Nov-12 12:44:12

Because you are a nice person and he is a dick! Since he decided he could try to be a family how generous of him has he made an extra effort with baby pickles?

Igbore him, if youre in tears again you know youre happier without him.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 12:50:57

No he hasn't, not really. Took her to the park but it was my idea.
He screamed at me down the phone earlier that I haven't changed. I'm just a drama queen. I cause a scene out of everything. He has spent months deciding to try again and now I don't want to just to cause a drama because I haven't changed.
He's done what I wanted and now I've changed my mind just to be a cow and DD will be disapointed in my because I've fucked up again.
So I said fine try again then and he screamed leave me alone down the phone.
I said that if he was going to be abusive to me we would have to go through contact centres and he screamed at me that I'm unreasonable and unrational.

I do know it's all bollocks or I hope it is but here I am sat in tears feeling like a crap mum. I feel awful. Because I've let him do this. Again.
Or am I in the wrong?

Plomino Thu 22-Nov-12 13:05:39

Pickles my love , of course you are not in the wrong . Deep down you KNOW this , and this fucker is playing with your head .

He spent months deciding to try again ? WTAF ? That line alone shows what he thinks of you . That he can do exactly what he pleases , and what YOU want , to him is irrelevant . THAT is why he's behaving as he is , because you are not being what he wants you to be . You have done SO well so far. He had no right do this to you , and if he carries on like this , I'd be seriously considering harassment allegations .

Plomino Thu 22-Nov-12 13:08:06

And another thing . DD will NEVER be disappointed in her mum, who looked after her all her life , who gave her so much love , and showed her that she didn't have to accept a life of tears and abuse .

How dare he. How fucking dare he .

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 13:08:10

Thank you I cant believe I'm sat here crying because of him again and judging myself

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 13:18:40

He says she will be disapointed in me as I moved on with someone else and messed things up with her daddy and didn't give him a chance just to cause drama.
Funny how he knows my counselling and new relationship are finished now confused

Anniegetyourgun Thu 22-Nov-12 13:22:07

It is horrible when people think badly of you, especially someone who's supposed to love you. Really, though, it's because he's horrible, not because you are. He treated you like a piece of dirt when you were pregnant, but you're wrong and peculiar not to just forgive, forget and be humbly grateful he wants to ooze his way back into your life? I do not think so.

By the way, just in case you're wondering, screaming down the phone is not generally seen as endearing. It's not you being strangely fussy. And if you enjoyed drama you'd enjoy the yelling, which you don't. So I think we can be fairly convinced it's him who's the crap one.

Leverette Thu 22-Nov-12 13:26:55

He's punishing you for declining the enticing offer of being his fallback. He's fucked up, decided his next move and you're being entirely unreasonable for not playing the role he has cast for you.

When are these buggers going to realise that shrieking about how unstable we are and insisting that we're going to be disasters without them reveals just how poisonous they are hmm Are we expected to find it <attractive>?

Pickles you're doing great thanks

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 14:07:26

It's so sad it really is. What makes them like this?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 22-Nov-12 14:36:05

Fo you have facebook - is he a friend on there? If not, you need to look at your RL friends and see who is feeding him this information.

He makes you feel like shit because he's a shit, but you don't have to let him affect you like this. You need to build up your resistance to his crap.

You know it's bullshit.
You know he's a shit.
You know he treats you like shit.
You know he treats your DD like shit.
You know he's FULL of shit.

Do NOT judge yourself - judge HIM

Are these the actions of a man who loves you?
Are these the actions of a man who loves his DD?
Are these the actions of a man who is sorry for leaving you when you were pregnant?
Are these the actions of a man who is sorry he was fucking someone else?

Are these the options of a adult or a manchild?

Do NOT fall for his utter, utter crap about letting your DD down.

HE let her down by treating you like crap.
HE let her down by pretty much ignoring her since she was born.

HE is continuing to let her down by treating her mother like this.

The way he shouts and screams at you is wrong, so wrong. You would be an absolute fool to subject you and your DD to that.

Stay strong, dig deep - you KNOW you aren't letting your DD down, you KNOW that not being with his is the best thing for you and your DD.

Whocansay Thu 22-Nov-12 14:44:02

What Chipping said.

How dare he lay any blame at your door, when he was the one fucking someone else? And doing it at a time when you were at your most vulnerable.

He's scum. Please don't engage with him further. You cannot talk to him as he is not reasonable. Life is all about him. If he wants contact with your DD, get someone else to deal with him on your behalf. You don't have to put up with his behaviour.

Don't think of it as sad. Think how lucky you and your DD are to escape this man.

MyLastDuchess Thu 22-Nov-12 14:58:12

He screamed at me down the phone earlier that I haven't changed. I'm just a drama queen. I cause a scene out of everything. He has spent months deciding to try again and now I don't want to just to cause a drama because I haven't changed.

This just made me laugh - not in a a "funny ha ha" kind of way but more of a gasping, stunned "I can't believe how self-deluding some people are" kind of way.

Because you are still emotionally involved with him (this is not a criticism BTW, just a natural thing considering all that has happened and how recently it has all been), it makes you really doubt yourself and it's very upsetting. For someone who is not emotionally involved it is obvious that he has serious problems which have nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to do with you.

Trying to use projections of how your DD might view the situation in the future (which are nonsense anyway; she will grow up to make up her own mind about all of this and TBH the details are not her business anyway) is just another example of how delusional he is.

I agree with Leverette that he thinks you're being entirely unreasonable for not playing the role he has cast for you.

I really think you need to stop answering his calls, and if things need to go through a contact centre for the time being then fine. He is being completely irrational, ridiculous and emotionally abusive. You cannot ARGUE someone into a relationship with you. And anyway he's just getting huffy because you won't do what he wants you to - treating you like a toy that doesn't work. Bad luck Mr Ex, Pickles has a backbone and if you don't like it, it's your problem!

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 15:12:13

Thank you ladies, you remind me I'm not mental!
Im not sure who is telling him about my life to be honest.
Nice walk cleared my head. I just hope he doesn't treat DD this way when she is older.
Yes I think because I was stronger he tried it on again. Small blip from me but I can move forward again smile

HRH008 Thu 22-Nov-12 15:21:26

He has spent months deciding to try again

Has he? Oh how very fucking marvellous of him.

Wanker.

These will be the same months that you spent being pregnant, giving birth and looking after your newborn, alone, yes?

Please disengage with this manchild, you have a real baby to deal with, he can go and find a dummy and suck on it.

5hounds Thu 22-Nov-12 15:29:03

Id tell him to fuck the fuck off!

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 15:37:39

I have done already and that caused this confused

Anniegetyourgun Thu 22-Nov-12 15:41:15

That's because you forgot to tell him to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he got there to fuck off some more. Not to come back again and complain about it.

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 15:58:52

It's all about what he wants, what he's decided and what he feels.

HRH008 Thu 22-Nov-12 16:01:17

Errm, sorry, no Pickles77 it was HIM thinking he could butt back into your life that caused all this.

Infact, it was him butting the hell OUT of your life in the first place that caused all this.

You`re doing great. You will continue to thrive. Keep going. x

Leverette Thu 22-Nov-12 16:45:37

No Pickles you didn't cause this. He's probably tried to make you feel to blame for his shitty behaviour - do you pull strings and have your hand up his arse to make his mouth move? No, didn't think so.

He caused it because he is responsible for his own behaviour and is a WANKER who cannot interact with a female partner in a normal, healthy, respectful, constructive way.

He is a three year old in a grown mans body. And a WANKER grin

Whilst you are lovely, normal, kind and STRONG.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 17:09:20

I'm trying to be strong.
I'm also still trying to understand him but I don't think I ever will hmm

Xales Thu 22-Nov-12 17:22:11

Exactly what HRH008 says

PLUS at the time he was lying flat on his back with his dick deep inside the OW before deciding she wasn't as much a door mat as you.

He fucked around behind your back when you were pregnant.

He brought another woman into your bed when you were pregnant.

He dumped you for the exciting new woman when you were pregnant.

You owe him fuck all.

You are not all these vile things. He is using them because he knows you to hurt you as much as he can. A fine example of how much he loves and cares for you.

Stop communicating with him apart from about the little one.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 17:31:02

You lot are the most amazing support network. My mum just chatted to me about it and I'm now looking at it in a humorous way x

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 17:57:28

These selfish entitled wankers have a knack for tapping into the fact that part of your identity probably (?) revolves around being 'nice'. That being a 'nice' person is something you identify with. Being a people pleaser in other words. They know this and the second you stop bending over backwards to 100% accommodate them at your own expense then they will tell you that you're cold, or selfish, or that you owe them another chance. As Xales says, you owe this guy nothing! And nice people can draw a line too.

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:00:51

Yes that's something I always get told 'I'm too nice' to everyone.
The second I put my foot down with him the abuse gets hurtled at me. Selfish, horrible, unreasonable. hmm I'm the least selfish person ever!

mummylouise Thu 22-Nov-12 18:05:20

Pickles my ex did this when i was 3 mnths preg and had a 1 year. It was the worst time of my life. He wanted to get back together after baby was born - i didnt and it was the best decision i ever made. Ten years on i am with someonelse and much happier than i ever was with him. And he has asked me back lots of times - dont think he has ever truly been happy.

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 18:09:43

Pickles, you have to remind yourself that it's not selfish to put your needs before his needs. He is putting his needs before your needs! so in that relationship there were two people putting his needs first?! That's certainly how it was with my x. And funnily enough the second I tried to get out of the relationship which was what I needed to do to put myself first and meet my own needs then I was labelled selfish and mad and ......... I won't make the screen turn blue typing the other stuff!

Pickles77 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:12:56

Hahaa the song predictable by delta goodrem reminds me a lot of him hmm

HRH008 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:13:18

You know what? I used to get accused of being "nice".

I stopped.

I´m MUCH happier now. Also, I find that when I cut out people who didn`t like the "selfish, horrible and unreasonable" me I found my life got much better.

Please, stop talking to him, stop engaging with him, stop trying to understand him. Stop giving him space in your head.

B1ueberryS0rbet Thu 22-Nov-12 18:15:15

Yeah,me too, I march to the beat of my own drum now. I do nice things for people who are important to me, but I am not putting their needs before mine.

BertieBotts Fri 23-Nov-12 09:37:16

You can't understand someone like this, they're just wired weirdly IME! Don't spend your precious time and invest your emotional energy into anything to do with him as people like this are almost like a vacuum for that stuff, and it's an enormous waste when you have things which would benefit you and your DD that you could invest that time and energy in, and would make you feel happier too smile

However this might help, I found it helpful when I was having to deal with XP day to day (thankfully he has fucked off to the far side of fuck now grin) - I'm not saying that your XP has NPD or any other diagnosis, but if he's behaving in these ways then these ways of blocking/coping with it might be helpful to you smile

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 09:42:15

Thank you smile I do think he does have NPD I have quite a good book on it. Surviving and thriving when dealing with a NPD smile

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Nov-12 13:44:14

That's the way. Save your niceness for people who are willing (and able) to be nice back.

We should write the Narc's Dictionary, what d'you think? I'm afraid, though, it would get a bit monotonous as all the definitions would be similar.

Selfish (adj): Engaging in any activity that does not directly benefit the Narc
Horrible (adj): Refusing to carry out an activity that would directly benefit the Narc
Unreasonable (adj): Failing to agree with the Narc
Mad (adj): Having an opinion that does not align with that of the Narc
Delusional (adj): State of mind that unaccountably fails to acknowledge the Narc as the centre of the universe

etc.

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:04:30

Oh my goodness Annie that has just made my day. I hold you responsible for the snort that just escaped waking DD from
Her nap grin

Nutcase- Trying to maintain independence whilst in a relationship with a Narc
Paranoid- asking a simple question about said Narcs day.
Lazy- looking after said Narcs child.
Unambitious/loser- holding your own dreams and aspirations that are important to you and are not as big and grand as Narcs

smile

Annie, Pickles, you guys are on to something. I look forward to reading your book when it's published!! grin

Pickles honey I am so pleased for you that you are being so strong. Being able to look at a crappy situation with humour is so empowering.

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 14:16:46

Hearts, I think that's the only way to look at it now. I have nothing to loose when I look at it clearly. It's DD that's sat on my lap smiling at picklesdog.
It's not me missing out grin

BertieBotts Fri 23-Nov-12 16:11:48

Hahaha grin

Difficult - straying from the role that the narc has painted you in (probably because you had no idea they had)
Mean/boring - refusing to enable the narc's latest flight of fancy or project
Frigid - not having a sex drive that is constantly tuned to the narc's
Nymphomaniac freak - not having a sex drive that is constantly tuned to the narc's grin

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 17:06:48

I agree with all of your definitions and can add to it

Lazy - being tired when the narc is not tired
Greedy - being hungry at a time when the narc is not actually hungry himself

B1ueberries Fri 23-Nov-12 17:08:33

dramatic - caring about something the narc doesn't care about

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 17:10:46

Sensitive- taking offence to an outrageous comment by the narc

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:00

The fact he hasn't contacted anyone to ask how DD is says it all really doesn't it.

Next bloody drama will me being unreasonable selfish and horrible about Christmas <rolls eyes> wink

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Nov-12 21:04:41

I hope you're looking forward to it, Pickles!

Pickles77 Fri 23-Nov-12 21:06:19

I cant wait because I can assure you I will be whatever he would like to call me as we are going knowhere!!!

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