Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Twirling body builders, dominant alpha males and been hurt in the past-Dating thread part 29

(1000 Posts)
Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 17:42:16

Took the liberty of starting a new thread. blush

Off you go ladies and gents...

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:48:30

Oh you beat me to it - I was just about to do "Twirling body builders and giraffes in wheelchairs!!!!!! - Dating thread number 29" (the extra !!!! should really have been in the last one)

So I just had a message on OK from a guy who
a) is in Las Vegas
b) calls himself "Big Edwin"
c) told me to have a "beautiful moment" hmm

snapespeare Sat 17-Nov-12 17:48:37

Place marking with a triumphant charity shop return, m&s black dress for work £5, per una denim skirt a fiver and <whispers> boden jeans. A fiver.

This is more interesting than my sex life.

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 17:51:20

Ooh, I would temporarily give up having a sex life to get a black dress & a pair of good jeans for a tenner.

So do I have to tell the Engineer NOW or can I wait until he suggests date no 3 before I break it to him?

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 17:52:52

Yoga I'm so sorry. We can save "Giraffes in wheelchairs" for the next one. We may get shot by the PC police though! grin

Have you decided what your "beautiful moment" is going to consist of yet.

snape That is an amazing haul. I never find anything good in the charity shops in Camden. All the cool people always beat me to it. In fact, it was probably you!

hatesponge Sat 17-Nov-12 17:59:13

I never find anything in charity shops - am much more successful at bootsales on the rare occasions I manage to get up early enough

Having a bit of a meh day today. Off to do some shopping and buy chocolate, CBA with diet in my current mood!

snapespeare Sat 17-Nov-12 17:59:44

I was in the people's republic of beckenham. East Dulwich charity shops are meant to be fab, but overpriced. I saw a pair of m&s boots today, half a size too small and they wanted THIRTY FIVE QUID FOR THEM.

Oh. Someone I 'liked' ages ago on OKC 'liked' me. blush he is bald and has a beard and looks a tiny bit like add edmondson (who I've always had a huge crush on.)

snapespeare Sat 17-Nov-12 18:02:20

sponge chocolate! Excellent call! Slightly envious of your quiz triumph, I love a good pub quiz. :-)

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:05:09

Right, I'm off out with DD for the evening and have unhidden on POF again - figure it will provide some entertainment when I get home! (And if not I can always have a "beautiful moment" on my own!! grin)

mercury7 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:08:14

I have way too much stuff as it is, last thing I need is charity shop findsgrin

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 18:08:31

I am going to have pizza, curly fries and a rum and coke. Classy bird, me. In mitigation, children chose the first two items and I chose the third. Cheers m'dears!

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 18:12:12

Checking in to the new thread.

bantamrooster Sat 17-Nov-12 18:16:15

Evening all. My first foray into POF has met with weird results. I'll elaborate later. And I have a date with a police officer, no word from Venezuela though.

OneMoreGo Sat 17-Nov-12 18:18:04

Checking in and then re-lurking. God I miss London charity shops. Cornish ones are beyond awful...

Scattylatte Sat 17-Nov-12 18:19:32

Mercury. Yes I think I'll take your advice. I'll concentrate only on the physical attributes of the body builder and nothing else. I'll dump the dull one as I can't face another evening of local orientated conversation.

I was feeling good earlier but my friend has just said she can't go out tonight. I don't know why I'm feeling flat as I've got a busy week ahead and lots to do.

I keep periodically missing my ex even though I'm pretty sure I'm seeing the relationship through rose coloured specs. When I was with him I never actually felt that happy, and when I was with him and his friends I didn't feel overjoyed either.

Snape, marvellous buys. I've had some good purchase from charity shops. A russell and Bromley bag for 15 quid was one recent buy.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 18:20:52

sponge I am having a CBA day as well. This is partly down to the fact I have a grotty cold & partly due to the fact that it is coming up to a year since my ex-fiancée walked out of my life never to be seen or spoken to again. Also a small part is owing to the fact that my faith in love has been destroyed by every other man I've met since also turning out to be a using fuckmuppet.

I have ordered Deliverance takeaway. Peri Peri chicken, ratatouille and BBQ ribs. Also looking forward to drooling over Colin Morgan in Merlin a bit later on.blush

Scattylatte Sat 17-Nov-12 18:23:55

For dinner I ate a full buffet at a wedding. It wasn't an English wedding and I'm totally stuffed with noodles, meat, chicken and other stuff.
Whats everyone doing tonight?

Scattylatte Sat 17-Nov-12 18:25:01

Milk, that's awful. Did he just walk out?

lubeybooby Sat 17-Nov-12 18:25:06

Oooh new thread, hello all <marks place>

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 18:25:48

Just to add to my joy I have received an OKC message from a man stating he is "Ethically non-monogamous"hmm

I get a lot of these types mailing me. Is Polyamory on the rise or am I just VERY unlucky?

hatesponge Sat 17-Nov-12 18:27:54

This wasn't pub, but evil grammar school (which DS1 failed the exam for by 1 sodding mark, condemning him to crap school hell...4 years on and I'm not at all bitter about it...!) quiz.

I didn't win, though I answered 90% of the questions for our team blush. Most of the teams were made up of utterly unattractive men.

It was one of those nights though where I thought I'm bloody attractive, look great (last nights combo was black suede platform boots and skinny jeans), and I'm good at quizzes. Yet men either have no interest in me at all, or none that extends beyond one encounter. Can't but wonder why.

The supermarket beckons. Will return later once i have trekked the 3 mile round trip to the supermarket and I have food!

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 18:30:34

scatty No, I'm painting myself as a bit more of a poor me victim than I really amif I'm honest. I moved away to London to work, on the basis that in his words, "It will do us good to have some space." Then after 6 months of him coming down to visit me (mainly funded by me) I got the train home to try and sort everything between us as I realised I couldn't stand not being with him. he just totally, flat out refused to even see me (despite the fact it had only been 2 weeks since he had last come to London to stay with me) I haven't spoken to or seen him since! A few half arsed texts from him but that's it.

I miss him so much. I sometimes think I will never get over it tbh. It hurts just as much now as it did 12 months ago. People tell me I'm better off without him and perhaps I am. I just don't know how to stop loving him. It's pathetic.sad

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 18:33:16

scatty Tonight I had planned to go out in Shoreditch with some visiting friends. As I am ill I am staying in to feel sorry for myself instead. Hoping others have more interesting treats in store.

Any dates planned?

watchoutforthatsnail Sat 17-Nov-12 18:44:43

No dates here smile

Spent the morning at the new house- its still beautiful. Dd loved it smile

Then have taken her wooden playhouse apart. Dug up and potted 15 shrubs. Cleared and packed one room and sent the ' ginny pigs' to a holiday at mothers.
Have pencilled in move and have sort of organised it. Exdh is helping and bringing a van. Hes contributing a few 100's to the move fund as well as upping the maintance a bit so i can afford to live there. Should have a team of 7 helping me move/ unpack and clean the old house. Which is good as its going to be very close to xmas .
I feel very lucky people are helping. And over the moon that exdh and i are getting on so well that hes helping, its so good for dd.

Of xourse this all hinges on me actually getting the house which wont be confirmed until end of next week.

Sponge-i bloody love quizes. Like the sound of your outfit smile

Milk -You sound totally fed up.

Yoga- did you dump yet?

Milk polyamory is a thing on OKC
Don't worry about not being PC, we've already changed it from 'arses in wheelchairs' grin

Yoga I've PMd you

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 18:55:08

watch Wow, you've been a busy lady. Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you that everything goes smoothly with new house & move.

Nice to hear your ex is helping. It makes a pleasant change to hear of an ex not acting like a complete tosspot.

Yeah I am pretty fed up. Even starting to doubt going out with my man boy again next Thursday. He is gorgeous but also clearly a bit of a lost soul & I'm a bit sick of nurturing the needy and then having them treat me like a broken toy in return. angry

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Sat 17-Nov-12 18:56:42

Wow, thread is moving fast again!

I was supposed to have a 'Bake a Cake' date, where BF was bringing his DD have a baking afternoon with my DDs. Unfortunately DD2 went down with a bug during the night so have had a quiet day instead.

Not so bad as we did have a rather nice Coffee date yesterday wink

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 18:56:59

juliette Is that true? IS OKC the site all the polyamory people go on? I didn't know that.

Oh well, as long as it's changed from "arses in wheelchairs" then we should be totally fine & dandy. grin

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Sat 17-Nov-12 18:59:32

watch fingers crossed for the move and good to hear about all the help, particularly from XH smile

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 19:00:39

strictly Bake a cake date sounds so lovely. You must reschedule for as soon as your DD is better.

Pixiebelle123 Sat 17-Nov-12 19:00:41

watch house sounds fab, fingers tightly crossed for you!

milk you sound fed up and I'm sure most of us here can emphasise (i call it grotty ex syndrome). Chocolate and wine is the only cure I believe.

No date tonight but I'm going out to a sleazy bar with a single friend. I don't hold out much hope of meeting anyone but at least I get to dress up in my pink mini skirt smile

watchoutforthatsnail Sat 17-Nov-12 19:01:04

Oh he has been plenty of times! We had a massive 4 hr row in the summer. Met two weeks later to make a plan going forward and its been great since then. Crux was he didnt feel involved with dd so took everything i said as an attack. Which it never was. Because he was verbally abusive i retreated. And it was a vicious circle of hell. But by talking lots we seem to have resolved it.

If manboy isnt working then end it. Sounds lile you need someone that appreciates you for you....

Pixiebelle123 Sat 17-Nov-12 19:01:27

Milk I meant empathise, damn auto correct!

snapespeare Sat 17-Nov-12 19:01:34

My Saturday night consists of pizza, the new doctor who magazine and in-virusing DDs laptop, but her lovely bf is taking control of that, so all is well.

Oh and wine

Scattylatte Sat 17-Nov-12 19:06:40

Flipping heck milk that is a dreadful shock and it's utterly disrespectful for him not to give you some sort of explanation. A year isn't long and you can't make your brain speed this process up I'm afraid. Just keep reaffirming to yourself that distance and time will make you feel better at some stage. And feeling like shit is 100% normal.

Okc is strange. It's full of wordyness and mountain climbers in open relationships. I had the walking date from Okc. He said there was no chemistry. Yet I thought I was so much better turned out than him. I was irked that I didn't get the no chemistry word in before him!

watch marvellous about the house. And you will get it. Plus I feel jealous about your job.

sponge. Like the sound of the suede heels and skinnies.

Okc does have a lot of poly folk on it genuine poly as opposed to shagging about. Also bi-sexual. I met someone there who had made friends with lots of others from OKC and they were all poly and if you look through the options it does have men who like women as well as straight men only. Took me a while to work that one out.

watchoutforthatsnail Sat 17-Nov-12 19:26:35

Cheers scatty. I love my new job. Popped in ( as a customer) today, everyone i saw said hi, one gave me a small hug smile
Its bloody lovely smile
Esp coming from somewhere where noone even did the ' good weekend?' Thing on a monday morning.....

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 19:29:48

watch I'm glad you've managed to sort something that works for you. So much nicer than screaming hostility. Long may it continue!

It's not that man boy isn't working. I've only been on 1 date with him & have kept texting etc to a minimum. He seems perfectly sweet & nice company. It's just he's so cute looking that I'm sure plenty of girls would snap him up. I suspect he's merely in it for the 'older woman shag' notch on bedpost.

scatty Yes OKC does seem the place for open relationships. Having said that it's the only site I've met anybody half decent through. I tried Match and GSM & both were useless for me! Oh and nothing worse than someone you're better looking than telling you there's "no chemistry".angry

I did get an explanation of sorts from my ex. Which was mainly, "I've just got too many problems going on in my own life to cope with yours as well at the minute." He just totally refused to meet me to talk and I begged on that phone like I've never begged before in my life. My mother was in the room at the time & she actually cried on my behalf. I've never been so broken. I do try & tell myself time will heal but I'm not really convinced. I'm the sort of person that carries wounds forever. He was the love of my life. End of.sad

I've had more luck on OKC than any other site. MatchAffinity, full membership not one reasonable message. GSM put me off last time I tried it, this time plenty of nice but dull really unattractive men, OKC is the only place where I can work out if we have similar values (from the questions).

Scattylatte Sat 17-Nov-12 19:42:22

milk I got a bit of that with my ex too. Things going ok, bit of a hiccup then he would ignore me out for weeks and it was so devastating and it took my esteem away. If he ever tries to come back, be prepared, this behaviour will get repeated. In many ways I wish my would have just fucked off the first time he alienated me.

Just had a message from a married man from pof called lickmelomgtime or similar. Yuk. Yuk!!!!

I find match, gsm and Okc full of men who have a pencil wedged up their arses they feel so special. Pof is grim but you get what it's all about pretty quickly.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 19:45:18

Juliette I probably sound dim but what is the difference between being poly and shagging about? Isn't it just shagging about where both partners know?

It's one of those things I really struggle with tbh. Mainly because I have a sometime fwb in a 'poly' relationship. Yet when pressed he admits it was his gf idea and he isn't 100% happy with it. I spent months feeling like shit that he could shag me, spend time with me and yet seem to develop no real feelings for me.

I would class myself as bisexual but I can't get a date with a woman on OKC to save my life. Most of them seem a bit crazy when I look at the profiles. We moan about the men but maybe they are really up against it as well?

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 19:51:01

"I find match, gsm and Okc full of men who have a pencil wedged up their arses they feel so special" grin grin grin

That description just made my day scatty

No worries about my ex reappearing. I don't think he gives a flying fuck about me anymore to be honest. The only fortunate thing is the fact that I am too proud to go running after him. At least it spares me future humiliation if nothing else.

I'm almost tempted to give POF a go now. Nothing ventured and all that...

Apparently poly is everyone knows and its longer term relationships and shagging about is shagging about. The group I met were in serious committed relationships and also free to explore others, most often within the group as it happens. One woman was in a great relationship of 2 years with a man who also had a boyfriend of 10 years. She was looking for a woman to have a relationship with. He was always very loving towards her, never flirted with anyone else etc. model partner except for his bf. Sometimes he would be 'with' the bf and this woman would be around too but he was clearly with the guy then. Not sure if this is typical.

bantamrooster Sat 17-Nov-12 20:06:55

I got a PM on here from someone wanting me to respond to Stella's comment in the previous thread about how men see single mothers, and whether there's any hope.

I think you guys - in fact all of us with DC, are in a more difficult position. We don't have as much free time, or disposable income as single without children. We're also generally less likely in a lot of cases to be looking for a quickie - maybe FWB or more likely an LTR.

And a lot of people without kids yet will want to share having a first child together with someone - to be a first experience for both of them, and not have to share their potential partner with other people. So it is a bit more difficult for us.

I've met 8 women on dates in the last 4 months of OD - 5 of those had kids. I've seen a lot of women's profiles where they specify the man shouldn't have children, so it's not just one sided. I think if you get through that and meet someone and really hit it off then whether you have DC or not isn't a major obstacle. It is still an obstacle, however.

Personally, being someone who has his DC half the time, then I'm not sure whether I'd prefer to date someone with or without them. Someone with them will understand limitations on my time, and the fact I can't really go traveling round peru for a month at the drop of a hat. Someone without them may want them in the next couple of years (if the clock is ticking loudly for them), and I'm not sure whether I want to or not. But someone without also has more free time so scheduling a date isn't so difficult.

Pros and cons, horses for courses. There are a lot of single dads out there, and some of them will be lovely. Like I am smile

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 20:09:19

I don't mean to jump in but I am desperate from some advise and was recommended to try this thread.
Having met through GSM Ive seen the guy three times. Last weekend I had emails about how hot I was and texts that were really funny and endearing. Today, all I've had is a text this morning saying not muh more than Hi. Ive texted back and sent an email - but nothing back.
I am so pathetically paranoid. I know that hes probably tied up with stuff bt I am stuggling to surpress the stories in my head - there's someone else, he's not interested, which all stem from my ex husband cheating on me. I don't want tpo contact him again or try calling him. I am concerned that I am going to scare him off if I'm not careful and he's really lovely.
He did say that he'll call round tomorrow - I am convincing myelf that he won't!

Poppy step away from that phone. Put away the laptop and sit on your hands. He has texted you, he is coming round tomorrow. Believe it.

Now someone a bit more lovely will be along soon but meanwhile, step away from the phone.

Bantam where is your police woman? You are meant to flying the flag for all of us tonight grin

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 20:23:42

Poppy Step away from the phone and chill the f**k out. I mean that kindly. wink

This modern phenomenon of constant communication causes so many headaches. He has said he is coming round tomorrow, believe him.

Although personally after 3 dates I think he should still be taking you out and wooing you, not making himself cosy in your house. That's just my opinion though, feel free to disregard it! grin

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 20:24:03

Juliette - Thanks. I know I musn't phone. But it's really, really difficuly. I have only known him a couple of weeks and I am so poor at this 'relationship' stuff. I really fear I have been dumped. We haven't arranged any detals about tomorrow. It was quite casual. We are both 51, so mature, in theory

bantamrooster Sat 17-Nov-12 20:25:09

Poppy - the overriding thing that seems to be agreed on by everyone on this thread is not to overthink things. He could be busy. He could have disappeared, got back with an ex, be suffering from depression, be having a nightmare with an ex, be married - or he could just be busy.

Men generally, I think, don't get 'scared' off - if they are put off by over-keenness it means they're not keen on you themselves. If they are keen, then they love the attention. Okay, don't camp out on his doorstep and get his name tattooed on your forehead, but a casual text - short, casual, nothing more, is not going to scare him off. He may come round tomorrow, he may not. It's too early to say.

The most important thing is that you have to accept that sometimes things go quiet without it meaning anything bad.

Let us know if he comes round tomorrow, don't stress it. Bright and breezy in the meantime. And chocolate, apparently.

MirandaWest Sat 17-Nov-12 20:26:13

I had pizza a bit ago. DC and I are watching Horrible Histories on iplayer smile

Am tired. Last weeks work has worn me out. Next week has DSs birthday which will also wear me out lol.

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 20:27:08

Oh he's wooing too. It was just meeting here tomorrow. He is in social services and I really hoped that meant that he was a bit more honourable and honest than the last guy I met over the internet

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 20:30:44

Hi Poppy - it will get easier as time goes on and you start to relax and feel more secure. But for tonight, put your phone in a drawer or on top of your wardrobe and resist all temptation.

Or, you can say sod it, forget the "rules", text if you want to text, call if you want to call, and just follow your instinct. If he doesn't like if, then he's not right for you.

Sorry, that's probably not helped, has it? I tend to go for the second option myself and it's working fine .... Life's too short to be fanning about with who texts who first/most, it really is.

Is he nice?

KirstyWirsty Sat 17-Nov-12 20:31:49

Marking spot while in the loo (visiting my sis) will catch up later

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 20:33:46

OhWesterWind, he's lovely. Really tall, half Italian, single dad with four teenage boys, three of whom are still at home. Wicked, quirky sense of humour, very open, intellligent - can you tell it's a new relationship?

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 20:36:54

Poppy Sorry, I didn't mean to sound nasty there. I'm sure he is wooing you. It's just I've been guilty myself of letting men come round my house straight from the off. I'm convinced it does no good. As others say, try and keep calm and not over think.

Miranda Horrible Histories? Excellent grin Matt Baynton in your sitting room on a Saturday night. It doesn't get much better than that!

lulubellaboozle Sat 17-Nov-12 20:39:15

on the sofa with DC's, X Factor, pizza done, ben and jerry's done and wine doing!! Saw Mr Ex Army last night, 8 weeks into dating him.

Arrived at his flat before him, key left for me, started cooking him a meal (my treat after the £££'s he has spent wining and dining me), and dressed up in hold up's, sexy undies and a satin wrap as a suprise. Felt a little bit ridiculous and self doubting and almost considered changing ... but he arrived home (on the phone to his DD) and I actually saw his jaw drop! I can't tell you after all the shit I have been through this year how great it felt!

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 20:42:25

lulu I am somewhat in awe. You go girl! grin

Nomorepain Sat 17-Nov-12 20:44:07

Lulu - you have jut made me smile and realise that there is hope!

I too have had a horrific year (doesnt seem to be ending!!) and your good news story has made my night!

Poppy right, in this case you have text him and sent him an email. Just leave it now whether or not he is keen you don't want to be chasing him at this stage. Either it will be ok, or not. More texting/mails/calls are not going to make it happen if you see what I mean.

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 20:51:23

Poppy he sounds great. Have confidence in yourself and it will all be fine.

lulubellaboozle Sat 17-Nov-12 20:52:39

I was inspired by Moving with the dressing up! and a large glass of wine but I am not without my angst - analysing every text, every time gap in between texts etc etc, as my previous postings on these threads show. I feel like a neurotic teenager most of the time. But this thread is a good place to bear your soul and verbalise things that you feel you can't say to even your dearest friends in RL.

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 20:59:30

I took my phone upstairs and there was a text from him from 18:50. There's virtually no signal at home. He just said 'In Hereford'. No idea why he might be there, but like I've said I hardly know him. I replied saying Oh.and asking if he was still planning to come here tomorrow.

Trying really hard to be cool about this and I'm not cool at all. Now I am thinking oh shit, that sounded a bit blunt etc etc I am just going to try and step back. So hard when I think he's lovely

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 21:04:21

poppy Is it usual for him to send such short texts with no kisses?

Honestly I know it is hard when you like someone but please try not to get in toO much of a state. You think he's lovely and that is great and you may well be right. Just try and keep in mind that you don't really know him that well just yet and try not to invest too much, too soon.

If a guy sends me short, blunt messages I usually respond in kind. I honestly think that you should never give out more than you get back. Has he responded yet?

lulubellaboozle Sat 17-Nov-12 21:06:46

poppy if it helps, as my post just before you says, I am the QUEEN of examing the text message and I can honestly say that every time I have agonised over brevity, or lack of detail or lack of kisses, smiley faces or delays in responding - they have been without foundation! Even now, after last night, texted Mr Ex Army an hour ago and still waiting for a reply! I have to try and accept he just doesn't see it as the big deal that I do.

TBH, if he didn't want to communicate with you, why text at all? I get texts like that all the time, and actually he is just telling me where he is or what he is doing. I think you replied in exactly the right way and you will get an answer but if my experience is anything to go by - it might be tomorrow morning and only because texting isn't the big deal to them that it is to us!

Let us know what happens

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 21:10:41

Hi Milkand, yes he sometimes sends very short messages and has never sent me a kiss, although he did send me a ({}) once which I took to be a hug. No reply yet, although I am back to there being no signal here again

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 21:19:54

Thanks lulu. It's reassuring to hear that you feel the same way and, in thenocest way, despite what was obvioulsy a fab night, Mr Ex Army is still to get back to you.

You're right- he didn't need to send me anything. Bring on tomorrow morning

lulubellaboozle Sat 17-Nov-12 21:25:41

Poppy I'm sure it will be fine, I get those texts all the time, be cool, I'm sure it will be fine.

Mr Ex Army and I have spent the day texting but I am that paranoid that after a couple of hours I get the heebie jeebies if he doesn't reply. As time goes by, I do know now that he will, it's just as I said earlier, he doesn't have my insecurity but then his ex was a cheating lying bastard!!!

fingers crossed for you

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 21:28:39

Poppy Yes I think that's a hug. Well either that or a huge sharks mouth symbol! grin I'm sure all will be well. Try not to stress.

Just had a text from my man boy saying he is at home and "tearing his eyes out with boredom" I find this oddly gratifying and I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person? blush

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 21:39:23

Well at least the (1/2) Italian Stallion is out somewhere, or maybe not so bored

I am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow - he told me he may come over on his motorbike. I'll let you know

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 21:41:43

Oooooo, a motorbike? This get's better and better! <<visualises 1/2 Italian stallion dismounting in biker leathers>> Lucky you Poppy grin

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 21:56:36

I think a lot of this has to do with us having bad experiences in the past and finding it difficult to trust people. And, arguably, not trusting people after you've met them three times is fair and sensible as you don't really know them.

I was okay when I was dating (first and second dates) as I wasn't bothered about them so didn't really care if they texted or not. I had a very keen bloke I went out with who texted me once or twice every day and I would just ignore him most of the time as I really couldn't be arsed. But when I met the lovely man I'm seeing now I morphed into mad psycho text-analysing fruit loop essentially because I WAS bothered about whether I heard from him, whether he liked me etc etc.

Eventually I decided I'd text or not text as I felt like it - I'm sure he does the same and it works out pretty evenly though he's texting and phoning first a lit more at the mo. but I feel a lot more relaxed
as I'm starting very slowly to trust him, and also I think he's going to be sticking around, at least for a while.

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 21:58:28

Oh Milkand I do really hope I am lucky. Keep everything crossed. He is chunky

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 22:07:48

Trust is so important OhWestern I just want to get to a point where I can trust someone again. 1/2 Italian stallion is such a caring role and a single dad that I really hope it means that he is trust worthy

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 22:16:24

I hope so too Poppy. Just take it slowly, don't rush things and make sure you're comfortable with how it's all going. It's been very difficult for me to open up and start to let down my barriers (lots of agonising on here last week) but its having good results.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 22:23:57

Just try and take it slowly poppy it takes a long, long time to really trust someone. You are vulnerable and you need to try and protect yourself (whilst still enjoying your Italian stallions company of coursewink)

In all honesty I find judging people by their jobs/relationships with others doesn't always serve that well. I used to work in Social services and the manager of my care home was conducting several affairs behind her (adoring) husbands back. She even used to sneak them into the home when she was working night shifts alone! Also, when I was much younger I had an affair with a married man (I'm not proud of it) who was the most doting father ever.

Sorry, it sounds (again) like I'm trying to put you off and I'm honestly not. I'm sure your man is lovely and I've got everything crossed for you both working out. I just think it's best to go into everything with your eyes open and a (healthy) dose of cynicism as well.

#bitterandtwisted blush

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 22:24:58

Ohwestern there are so many barriers, you're right.

I don't know how to play things at all. I've met one chap since being separated nearly two years ago. I am pretty sure he was married and deliberately hid things from me, so I became even more suspicious and have lacked even more trust. 1/2 Italian stallion has been fairly open in contrast - maybe it's the Italian in him

Poppysquad Sat 17-Nov-12 22:28:25

No - not bitter and twisted at all Milkand just a dose of reality. I do think that I am overly cynical, if anything. There is a huge dose of mistrust

QuiteQuiet Sat 17-Nov-12 22:31:38

Oh I'm back on POF, to be met with 'muffdiver' (vomit)

Policeman I have dated twice and don't like.

Guy I dated once and thought I loved him but didn't after 1 month. He still 'likes' me but 'nothing serious' (sex). So not going there...

I'm now chit-chatting with a nice-ish guy, I think.... we are texting, he wanted to date me Friday, I got all 'nervy' and mailed him first thing Friday morning and made excuses, we are still in touch and I have no idea where/if it's going anywhere.

When they stop xxx me, I stop xxx them, then they start xxxx again... bloody games.grin

Anyway hello everyone, best of luck!

OhWesternWind Sat 17-Nov-12 22:33:10

To be honest Poppy, all I think you can do is take things steady and let the trust build naturally. It would be silly to start letting your barriers down after a couple of dates, however nice he seems, because you simply don't know him. Once you get more if a sense of who he is and what his values are, you'll know if he's a person worthy of your trust.

It's actually a really good sign that your radar was working about the last guy, and now you know your instincts are reliable. So, if IS carries on as he's started and doesn't set any alarm bells ringing, you'll start to relax into things more and that's when trust might start to grow.

Worley Sat 17-Nov-12 22:35:41

Lordy I only just marked my place in te last thread, I can't keep up with you all!!

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 23:33:30

Just checking back in after my ultra exciting night out with DD. We were at a disco/fundraising night for her swim club. There were actually 3 very handsome men at my table...and their 3 lovely wives. Oh, and I did talk to one man who looked (and smelled) quite lovely AND had no ring on his left hand, but I suspect he is one of those men who knows exactly how good he looks. Ok, this is very sad now, it sounds like the only reason I go anywhere is to look for men.

Just to comment on the whole 'single parent' thing - I've dated some men with kids and some without and I think on balance, I'd prefer to meet someone who already has children. First of all, I'm 41 and definitely not having more so I don't want someone who's still looking to have kids. Second, someone without kids is going to have a harder time really 'getting' the reality of what my life is like. And although the DCs certainly aren't my only interest, the do occupy a lot of my time and my thoughts, I do talk about them a fair bit and it just ends up feeling a bit unbalanced if I'm the only one doing that.

And no, still haven't dumped the engineer yet, but we only exchanged one brief text today as I know he was working and then I was out. So tomorrow...

Right, I'm going to see what entertainment POF has waiting for me.

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 23:34:22

Be sure to let us know Yoga wink

Yogagirl17 Sat 17-Nov-12 23:53:14

This evenings POF entertainment:

1. Man with facial piercings and a lot of pictures of his cats. Actually his profile made me laugh - "I look a bit like a fat viking and I like looking like a fat viking so if fat vikings aren't your thing.." Still not going to reply, but funny.
2. Tattoo man from last night (I replied just for fun) has now messaged me twice to say 'hows u doin here, where u from xxx?' Uh..NO.
3. "Hi there" from someone "Genuine"
4. "Hi x" from potato who doesn't want any "time wasters or shallow Hals"
5. "Eleven inches"
6. "hi howru im will u look v nice" (another potato)
7. "helo ur gorgous" (more spuds!)

Hard to believe the fat viking was the highlight and it was all downhill from there! Going back into hiding.

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 23:56:23

Oh Yoga.

I hate it when that happens.

Stolen from another thread kittens

MacAndCheese Sat 17-Nov-12 23:57:08

The kittens are to make you smile btw. They're very cute.

bantamrooster Sat 17-Nov-12 23:59:43

that really is a major difference between the online dating experience between men and women. As you know, I've had the angsty - what do I wear moments, the 'why hasn't she replied' moments, the 'oh my god I can't believe she just said that' moments. But when I go back on to the OD site I know I'll have a couple of mails from women who are 15 years older than me, or remarkably unattractive, or both. I might not even have those.

I don't even harbour the tiniest possibility that anyone decent has contacted me, because they're overwhelmed trying to deal with the dross and occasional rough diamond in their inbox. So all I can do is see if anyone new and decent has signed up.

And I wish, Oh how I wish there was a button next to the 'hide this profile' button, which said 'Don't burn my retinas with anyone similar to this ever again'

MacAndCheese Sun 18-Nov-12 00:01:10

That could be an EthicalDating exclusive Bantam

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:04:38

Mac, don't worry, like Bantam said, I wasn't harbouring the slightest hope of coming home to a message from someone decent. As much as it would be lovely to meet someone really, really nice, at the moment I'm taking the whole thing with a massive pinch of salt. So the above list is pretty much what I expected - just a bit of light entertainment!

thanks for the kittens though, they are very cute. smile

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 00:17:01

Wow, a new thread. I just can't keep up here.... Laughing at yoga's Viking being the highlight. I had one POF whose profile was fireman with pics in uniform etc, twenty years younger than me, turned out he worked in co-op..... Didnt date him just exchanged a couple messages lol.

My date is still emailing etc, can't wait til Tuesday , we both miss the contact if we can't email for any reason. Both very nervous about RL meeting as get on so well online it would be tragic if no RL spark sad

I know it would be very rare to meet a diamond so soon, but it's weird how well we have connected so far.

These threads are amazing and the support you all have for each other is great

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 00:22:00

skye - actually it's not weird how well you connect with someone. I think most of us have felt that - not to put down your experience in any way - it's just that you don't get to know the actual person until you've met them a few times. When you read messages off a screen you mentally project expressions, intonation, understanding on to the other person when it may not be actually 'real' - not that I'm saying people lie online, just that they may say something and you read it a subtly different way because you want it to mean something different - and it works both ways.

It's true, you can build up a great connection with someone then meet them and it's amazing. It's rare though, so just proceed with caution and don't be devastated if it's not the same in real life.

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:28:44

skye and sometimes you have a great connection with someone online and still feel that connection in RL and yet it still doesn't work out after a short time for whatever reason. I've had that too - which is harder than when the RL connection doesn't live up to your expections. So enjoy it...but yeah, be a bit cautious.

The viking was funny. I almost replied just to tell him that, but thought better of it.

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:32:14

Ooh, that was weird. I thought i'd hidden my profile again but just got another new message from someone who doesn't like "Protensious, lazy, moody or thick people". Do you think I should tell him he spelled pretentious wrong or would that be too...pretentious?? grin

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 00:37:15

I've had that great connection with men by text/email more times than I can remember.

It's translated into a RL connection precisely once, so I agree it is extremely rare...

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 00:45:28

Ok, I need to keep my feet on the ground, I know that, lol.

He keeps saying things like , "oh god I hope you like me, you're the first person I've met on here that I feel I could have a relationship with"

I keep thinking its just all too full on and I need to get a grip.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 00:49:49

sky I think he needs to calm down a bit to be honest.

Saying "You're the first person I've met on here I feel I could have a relationship with" before he's even actually MET you is very OTT. If he's that intense now what is he going to be like when you actually do meet?

That's the trouble with OD. Too many people build castles in the sky & then move into them before they've even shared a drink in a bar together.

It is very full on & I would advise you to proceed with caution.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 00:53:59

Yoga You should definitely tell him. I had a word spelt wrong on my OKC profile a while back & the men were bloody lining up to point out my mistake!

Because that's JUST the way to win a girl over.hmm

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:54:13

he also sounds like he's very new to online dating, he'd probably be a bit more cautious if he 'been around the block a few times'
if I come across someone like that I tend to leave them alone to find out the hard way, but not on my time grin

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 00:56:55

I have to agree with Milk.

Earlier this year, I was in contact with a bloke. Started off with emails, then texts, then phonecalls. Lots. Was meant to have a first date with him on a Tuesday, then he brought that forward to Sunday because he couldn't wait any longer to meet me.

He came out with loads of stuff about wanting to do anything for me, look after me, etc, saying I should think of him as my boyfriend. You get the picture.

So I met him on the Sunday, spent most of the day together. Due to meet him on the Tuesday as originally planned. Monday morning I got a text:

'Sorry I'm not ready for a commitment'.

Men who are OTT like this...not usually a good sign.

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 01:03:39

I think it's because we are both "normal" lol. He's had mad bints that are into weird things or materialistic. Lol

And I'm fed up with all the pervs on POF. He is a bit full on, but we both miss the contact if we are busy with work family etc and can't email.

I can totally see now how XH had "emotional" affair as it becomes all consuming waiting for that next text or email.

He also said "at worst have made a new friend, at best a new partner". He said on his profile that people need to meet face to face as keyboards lie , then to me he said we need to meet face to face to see if any chemistry.

I think it's evolved so fast because he was off sick last week and we probably had several weeks contact in one lol.

<Head screwed on, feet firmly on ground, grip applied...>

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 01:05:38

Thanks for all the advice btw, I'm new to OD and don't know the pitfalls and warning signs ...

Pixiebelle123 Sun 18-Nov-12 08:26:30

Skye I would just echo what everyone else has already said, proceed with caution. I have invested too much emotionally before with OD and it hasn't ended well for me yet. I hope he's lovely and that there's a spark between you but just be prepared incase things don't go to plan.

So did anyone have a date last night?

I went out and spent the night talking to a gorgeous man who seemed really keen on me. It was all going so well until I found out he was married hmm.

On a happier note, dishy Dr and I are still messaging each other and he wants to meet me. But he lives in London and I'm wondering whether it's worth travelling that far for a date. The trouble is there is no one actually in my area that I want to meet. What do you think ladies (and Bantam)?

lulubellaboozle Sun 18-Nov-12 08:45:12

pixie how far would it be to travel to meet dishy Dr (oh er predictive text just turned that to fishy?!) ? I suppose the thing to think about is lets just say you made an amazing connection and wanted to see him or on a regular basis would the distance make it completely impossible? if not, I would say go for it - my best first date was a Saturday lunchtime I'm London, so I'm biased!!

lulubellaboozle Sun 18-Nov-12 08:45:55

In London not I'm London, bloody phone!

OhWesternWind Sun 18-Nov-12 09:03:49

How did you find out he was married, Pixie? And how fats London in travel time? I'd say an hour max would be doable but even that might be a pain on a regular basis. But you could always meet halfway.

OhWesternWind Sun 18-Nov-12 09:04:21

How did you find out he was married, Pixie? And how far's London in travel time? I'd say an hour max would be doable but even that might be a pain on a regular basis. But you could always meet halfway.

OhWesternWind Sun 18-Nov-12 09:04:46

Sorry didn't mean to post twice.

Pixiebelle123 Sun 18-Nov-12 09:16:47

One of his friends let slip that he was married, grrr at some men!

London is 40 mins by train for me or about an hr drive depending on what part of London he's in. It's further than I'd like to travel to meet someone but he just seems so lovely!

lulubellaboozle Sun 18-Nov-12 09:32:46

pixie I would say go for it! an hour isn't too bad, it's 30 mins if you meet halfway. grin

OhWesternWind Sun 18-Nov-12 09:33:37

Well, that could be do-able if it's forty mins or so. Worth meeting up with him, anyway. He sounds promising!

Boo hiss to the shitty married man though. How can people like that live with themselves?

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 09:57:33

pixie it depends what you want. If you want a relationship where you can go to weddings with someone, spend the occasional weekend with someone, go for nice meals in the city and walks in the country, then londonman isn't too far. If you want to be able to pop round for coffee (either C or c) on a short notice Wednesday eve after work, Londons a bit far. But 40 mins isn't impossible at all.

Pixiebelle123 Sun 18-Nov-12 10:23:52

Thanks for the feedback guys, I think I'll meet him and then see what happens. I quite fancy a trip to London anyway smile

NicholasTeakozy Sun 18-Nov-12 10:34:50

I'd like to add to something Bantam said upthread re men dating women who have kids:-

In my first two LTRs, which I told you about on the last thread, both women had kids. The first had a daughter only four or five years younger than me, which was a bit weird...

The second had a two year old who I'd occasionally look after. I honestly never gave it a second thought whether a woman I would or could potentially have a relationship with had children or not.

Welcome Poppy, told you you'd get honest answers here.

skyebluesapphire Sun 18-Nov-12 10:50:15

Pixie, that doesnt sound too far. and you can go shopping too, bonus :-) Thanks for the advice. It is very easy to get carried away when its all anonymous. and GRR at the married man. When I used to go out a lot in a local town, I was always chatted up by the rugby players on a Saturday night. I used to ask a mate if they were single before Id commit to a date and 90% of them were bloody married!

Me and agreed that we would meet sooner rather than spend hours chatting, but because he was off sick last week we have ended up emailing for hours. That will ease off a bit if hes back to work on Monday, then we meet Tuesday, so I guess that will be the first decider, how we get on, and do we want to meet again. We are having a meal too, so I hope we get on, or it will be a long time, lol.

He has made it quite plain that he is paying. Refreshing after my last date let me buy him a drink, lol.

Im so new and crap at all this dating lark I just want to fall for the first guy I meet grin

I hope we all have a good weekend.

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 11:05:49

I am off to the hell that is a baby shower. Full of smug marrieds, ALL of whom are bringing their husbands with them. And who all think I'm weird because I'm incapable of getting a man. As you can probably tell, I am really looking forward to it...

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 11:28:30

sponge I promise they do not all think you are weird for not having a man. Only half of them will think that.... The other half will be wishing they were single too and will be bloody jealous (although they wld never admit it). Not saying this just to make u feel better - it is true!! Anyway hopefully you'll get some nice free food wink
(since when do husbands come to baby showers?)

Yoga, have PMd you

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sun 18-Nov-12 11:50:53

sponge Baby shower? Are we in bloody America? Honestly, what is it with all their traditions leaking in over here? I must be an old fashioned bugger (at grand old age of 33 grin) but it get's right on my nerves.

I'm sure they won't all be thinking that. Like yoga says, half will be looking at their husbands (husbands at a baby shower?) and wishing they were single. Also, you can look at the women who are incapable of going anywhere without their husbands and be glad you aren't so pathetic.

I understand how you feel though. It's very difficult not to feel judged sometimes. Honestly though, I do believe we are our own harshest critics. Sometimes when I'm feeling bad I will go to my friends, "I feel like you just think of me as x, y and z" and they literally have NO idea what I am even talking about.

Oh and Pixie, I think 40 minutes to an hour is totally double if you like someone. My flatmate and I are in Camden but her boyfriend lives in Bromley. It takes him an hour to get here from there and they seem to manage fine. It's a bit annoying sometimes on work nights etc as obviously he's not near enough to just pop round for a cuppa and what not. They are still very happy though!

Sponge The husbands that are surgically attached to their partners go to baby showers. The same husbands that are overenthusiastic loud dads you want to murder in the park
The same husbands whose wives say things like 'he's taught me everything I know' (short book then) hmm
I live in a nappy valley central. HTH

Secretservice Sun 18-Nov-12 12:13:37

Sorry to barge back in. Just got this message after quite a dry weekend;

"They say a good painting is worth a thousand words, i looked at your smile and the beauty that emanates from your looks and i wondered how many words it would be worth, you are so beautiful My lady even the angels would be jealous..I would love to know you"

Shame he's in San Jose grin

Will go back and catch up, with end of last thread now!

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 13:17:57

argh, the engineer just sent me another one of his weird texts - 'hey sista, what u up to?' I don't get it - he doesn't talk like that! And how do I reply to that with, "Well, I was just thinking about how to tell you that there's no chemistry between us and I don't think I want to see you again."? If he would suggest a third date it would be easier to say no and then explain why. Maybe I shouldn't reply to the text at all and send an email?

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 14:00:28

Hi. Well the I/2 Italian Stallion is not on his way here today after all. He sent me an email this morning, and I phoned him and we talked. He says that he is totally tied up with the kids and keeping things going in the home for the four of them at the moment. He was away yesterday seeing his Mum and now has to cook, wash iron etc. I offered to go round and see him, but he says that he doesn't want me to be there watching him ironing. He hasn't got time to see me next week either.
He thinks we should slow things down a bit. Although some of the initial rush was driven by him and his emails to me
He also that the distance is a bit of an issue - we live just over 30 miles apart although it is rutal and can take 45mins to drive
I do feel brushed off - pushed away.
I am worried that I have frightened him off - being too intense.
I wish I didn't think so much of him

SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 14:33:28

It's not you Poppy, it's him. Get rid and find someone else.

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 14:39:36

Easy to say Sweet not so easy to do. I thought and still think he's lovely

QuiteQuiet Sun 18-Nov-12 14:50:10

This thread is fantastic. So much help and information.

SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 14:53:05

Which I appreciate Poppy, but you've known him 2 weeks and seen him 3 TIMES. He's not very lovely if he blows hot and and cold like that, is he?

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 14:58:55

poppy as I said before, I don't think you've done anything wrong here, sometimes people do blow hot and cold. Men are not rabbits in a headlight, you'd have to be much much more full on (talking marriage, baby names, asking about his pension scheme etc) to scare someone off if he was keen on you. Maybe it's moving too fast that's possible but as you say a lot of that is down to him. Just decide whether it's possible to slow down, communicate that you're okay with that if you want and make him do all the running. All of it.

He may be lovely in lots of ways, but he's just shown himself to be a bit of a PITA in others, so try to take a step back and see if you want to keep trying

Scattylatte Sun 18-Nov-12 15:00:19

Oh god sponge that sounds like hell. Can you get drunk?

Poppy get busy, push him out of your mind. sounds like he has checked out. try not to ask him questions like 'where are we going' or anything like that. leave him to his ironing and find someone who will appreciate your loveliness

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 18-Nov-12 15:03:01

Goodness me! I just withdraw from MN to deal with some RL stufff and what happens? A new thread. Wow. I will go back and read the end of old thread and 128 messages on this one!

Slow the downgrin, I am trying to catch up!

Hope all the stuff I read is going to be good news...

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 15:12:30

Bumped into ex flatmate and his gf, so went for a pint. Discussed voldemort. General consensus being that he is a twat.

So why do I feel weepy?


snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 15:14:06

...and poppy I agree. If he wanted to make time to see you, he would. Ironing or hot date?! You're too far down his priority-list.

SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 15:18:35

Aww Snape sad

Suppose because you were talking about him, brought your emotions to the surface.

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 16:34:26

is it just me or would the phrase 'i'm feeling naughty today' make anyone cringe hmm
we've been exchanging messages and it all seemed fine till he came out with that toe curling little boy phrase hmm

KirstyWirsty Sun 18-Nov-12 16:34:49

watch fingers crossed on the house

snape it's only been a couple of weeks it's to be expected that its all still a bit raw

yoga are you going to put the engineer out of his misery?

I have a wee extra date for a couple of hours on Tuesday night with TheAuditor before our 'Big Date' (his words) on Thursday when neither of us are driving grin

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 16:35:35

Hi snape, sorry you're feeling weepy today. It's bound to happen from time to time, all those years of bottled up emotions aren't just going to disappear overnight. Still think you have been absolutely amazing to have gotten through the last 3 weeks without contacting him. Talking about him with friends and feeling weepy is still a much better outlet for those emotions than sending him texts & emails so you're still being amazing.

poppy He may be lovely. And he may genuinely like you. But just remember you've only known him a couple of weeks. You know so little about him really. Like Bantam said, it's very unlikely you've scared him off by being too intense - it sounds like it was mutual. But he may well have scared himself a bit by getting so intense so quickly. It does sound like he's taking a step back. If you don't think he's just messing you around then try and do the same and wait and see what happens. (but if you stay on this thread for any length of time you'll also realise I'm usually one for the 'lets give things the benefit of the doubt' point of view - I'm not often always right)

I know the engineer is now at work all evening so have ignored his text and thinking about sending an email. ARgh, why is this so hard?!

KirstyWirsty Sun 18-Nov-12 16:36:40

Barf!! mercury

And sponge hope the baby shower wasn't too torturous .. Have these men not got football to watch??

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 16:39:17

and yet another bloke has e-mailed me a pic where he has sunglasses on
I mean whats the fucking point soft lad...I need to see what you look like.

... even with the shades and a polo neck jumper he looks about 15 years older than the age given in his profile.
Who's is he trying to kid angryangry

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 16:40:45

yes I want to BARF!!

it could've been worse, he might've said 'norty'

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 16:41:39

Kirsty a pre-date before your date? A bit like an amouse bouche, what fun!grin

(no idea if I spelled that right and can't bothered to look it up)

No, i haven't put him out of his misery yet - he won't be home from work till 11pm so I have until then.

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 17:04:20

Sooooo.... I have made the decision to end things with BC. I shall break the news next time I see him. He's definitely gone into shutting me out mode again despite doing a really good job of keeping his promise for aaaages... sigh.

I think I might date myself... take myself out to nice places, laugh inwardly at my own amazing jokes to myself then come home and masturbate til I can't see or walk. I generally fancy myself and think I'm bloody great, I also don't care if I don't have make up on and don't shave my legs. I don't mess myself about or take ages to reply to myself. I like cats and music and mountains and science and cheetos, and so do I. I have an awful lot in common with myself really.

Fuck, I'm perfect for me! shock

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:07:42

* laugh inwardly at my own amazing jokes to myself then come home and masturbate til I can't see or walk* grin grin grin

KirstyWirsty Sun 18-Nov-12 17:16:10

I didn't know what an amuse bouche was .. An appetiser .. That sounds about right for Tuesday's date although already had a shorter date last Tuesday

I really wonder if lubey has the right idea as not sure I CBA after the initial thrill of OD hmm

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 17:22:17

Well I've got a date in a couple of hours with a policewoman in Essex , one on Wednesday with a psychologist in Hertfordshire and I've still got to schedule things with the Venezuelan. All of whom contacted me first which is a nice ego boost.

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:22:22

I guess it depends what you hope to get from it..I try and treat it as a bit of harmless fun..a lighthearted distraction, if I wanted or needed a meaningful relationship I'd have given up in despair long ago

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:23:21

lubey that's brilliant - I think you have the right idea! grin

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 17:24:13

I wish it was so easy. I have only met two men through the internet. Thanks to Sponge I improved my profile and met 1/2 Italian Stallion, but he is the only person to have responded to my emails. I was on Times Encounters and now GSM , although I have hidden my profile for a while.

I am feeling pretty rubbish at the moment. Do I need to be younger, slimmer, more attractive? Bollocks

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 17:25:26

poppy you definitely don't need bollocks. Generally they put men off.

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:25:36

the man with the sunglasses pic has now sent another 'classic' the one where you lie down on your back and take a pic of your face from about, cuz we all look 10 years younger like that dont we hmmhmm

MyLittleMiracles Sun 18-Nov-12 17:33:13

* I AM IN LOVE* with my EEYORE The only thing i need to cuddle up to in bed of a night!!!!

Still sitting on the sofa happily, but enjoying reading everyone's adventures!! I do feel your pain.

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 17:37:33

lubey. I'm going to go out with myself too! We could double-date! smile

Except I've broken worn out my rabbit, so the wanking will need to take a back burner for a bit..

Not so weepy now, just miserable. Actually said to ex flatmate 'there's this hole in my life' ...and if I don't say it out loud, then it doesn't exist, but I said it out loud... So it does. sad just need to be strong and distract myself a bit.

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 17:39:47

I have escaped baby shower hell! ActuaLly it wasn't TOO bad. Not great, but not awful. Shame about the 2 hour journey home...

poppy I'm glad you found our thread smile sorry abou this guy - being part italian myself I'd say as a genenral rule italian men should be avoided (but that's just my own prejudices!) Leaving that aside I think all you can do atm is wait and see what happens.

One thing I have realised is that there isn't a magic formula to success with OD much as I wish there were, and looks,age, financial position, intelligence, personality, none of it seems to matter, or make much difference. It really all is luck.

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:40:54

mercury I hate that! The only one that's worse is the self-portrait in the mirror, clearly showing the toilet or bathroom sink in the background!

Ok, so I kind of know what to say to the engineer - "Hi <engineer>. I've really enjoyed getting to know you a bit over the last week or so but I don't really think there's a spark there...." but what comes after that? How do I finish it?

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 17:42:07

MLM I've heard eeyore is hung like a horse wink lucky you.

I actually love my cat more than most humans. Told ds2 yesterday that my pecking order is (1) doctor who (2) cat (3) children. grin

Think I might marry my cat. Except she's a girl cat so my reluctance to dabble in sapphism (plus that tedious cross-species stuff) would put her out of bounds...

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:44:55

yoga eeeven worse than that is the erect penis, taken from above with the toilet as a backdrop.
what kind of TOOL would have their toilet in their profile pictures??
It happens alot!

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:49:30

Yoga, my (vague) suggestions fwiw
I feel that I'm not able to make the right kind of connection with you
I hope you understand but I feel it's best if we dont continue with our..
I dont feel that there is a basis for..

OhWesternWind Sun 18-Nov-12 17:53:36

Snape - better a hole than an arsehole. Chin up.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 17:55:25

yoga - what you have said is fine, i dont think it needs adding too.

sponge - baby shower? grim. american shite.

so - am still crushing smile did my hair super cool today, and everyone was like ' look at you with your sexed up hair' so i claimed it was 'sexed up sunday'
more importantly mr super cute salesman was there, we said hi and grinned over a very crowded floor smile and then got chatting and a bit of banter later on in the day. And now i know his name too. Its like being 15 and fancying someone from afar.... smile smile i was looking out for him when i arrived and quite happy when i saw he was in.
Clearly i need help.... doubt very much it will come to anything as im sure i cant be his type and am probably too old ( im guessing hes 27?) but its quite nice smile

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 17:56:48

oh and snape - weepiness is allowed, its been a few weeks.
it will pass in time. and you know what? you have done amazing to have gone just over 3 weeks. be proud of yourself!

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 17:57:39

I think it's lovely you have a workplace crush. watch. Certainly makes the day go more pleasantly!

oww. :-) yes, but he was my arsehole. 'Cept he wasn't. Ah well.

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 17:59:16

Snape what Western said!

watch thanks & glad all going so well with the house (and the sexy boy at work wink)

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:01:58

argh, ok, email has been sent

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 18:22:29

sorry yoga - it's a tough thing to have to do, but you know you had to do it. Like ripping off a plaster.

natureslaw Sun 18-Nov-12 18:25:29

yoga well done for sending it, now have a wine or a brew

Not one single man has sent me a picture of their genitals, what's wrong with me?
Although I have got a 2nd date tonight smile and a third one with the same man tomorrow smile smile

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 18:25:41

Snape I love my cats too but they can be a bit aloof for my liking. I think I'll stick with myself - and yes we should definitely double date grin

Watch grin @ sexed up sunday and your crush - you never know, and I don't reckon you're too old for a 27 yr old. He might think like me too wink

Yoga, argh good luck

Mercury there's a pic doing the round on t'interweb of a woman who did that with the loo in the background. Avec massive floater! <barf>

Yogagirl17 Sun 18-Nov-12 18:32:04

Way ahead of you on the wine

Bantam - I thought you had a date tonight? Oh, just realised it's only 6:30. Maybe should slow down on the wine blush

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 18:35:30

sponge, i read that as ' its a load of fuck' not luck as you have actaully written. although it is also a lot of fuck.

lubey - sorry, missed you off my thing. sorry about BC, tbh i think you have made the right choice, its been a bit up and down, and what with the fact its soon going to become VERY long distance, then its kind of not workable. Well done for doing something about it and saying ' no, this isnt for me' it takes balls to do that smile date yourself, i like that plan smile

And i like my crush too. Im sure he grins and everyone and mouths hi at them all too. of course he does... but,well, you know.... its nice. plus there are lots of way more attractive girls ( not plump mid 30's women) who are there for him to flirt with.....

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 18:47:16

Watch yeah, it's a shame as we've had SUCH a bloody good time and worked really well through a load of shit, but recently it all seems to have slipped backwards and I CBA to be the only one raising an issue or the only one fixing things, especially when it's going to be very long distance. Fuck it, that's enough now. Just one of those really frustrating impossible bloody things.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 18:53:09

no, i think thats a good and very healthy attitude smile You have recognised its you making most of the effort, and however much fun it has been, its not fun when its one doing all the work. I think its not anyones fault as such, just one of those things of wanting different things and being in different places...
Hope you are ok though...

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 19:04:28

Sorry MNers feeling fucking lonely tonight - and it's crap. I need to get a grip. I am just tearful after such a stupid, short relationship. I really thought he liked me...sad It has really got me down

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 19:09:05

poppy, not to sound harsh, but it was just a few dates, not really a relationship at all. Dont feel crap for too long, he doesnt sound like he was nice, so hes not worth being upset about.

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 19:14:24

I know Watchout I think it's just me at the moment

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 19:17:20

i think its more the hope of someone liking you, and not being on your own thats upsetting. but he wasnt nice so dont attribute him with the upset, and certainly dont look to yourself for blame.

Be nice to yourself for a day and then move on smile

( we have all been there, its par of the course with online dating)

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 19:18:20

It's not so much the person, though.. It's the always being alone. Trying your best, the other person being less than you expected or deserved and re hoisting the bosom and starting over. It's tiring.

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 19:19:19

X post with sympatico-twin watch smile

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 19:33:52

That's it. I feel bloodly lonely. Really, really lonely. I am a bit down

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 19:37:25

ha, thats because its true

its about that. and it being exhausting keeping having to keep trying.

Have to say though, im pretty happy on my own right now and am glad to see the back of online dating. im sure this might wear out at somepoint.

oh, and, one of my new neighbours ( IF i get the house) is a single dad that has his children at the weekends.... i am hoping hes some kind of tim minchin/ derren brown/ russel brand/ jross hybrid.


WhatDoesTheDogSay Sun 18-Nov-12 19:38:23

Sorry to hear that you're feeling sad, Poppy. I've just dropped in to place-mark, and to share my childish amusement at a typo I've just come across. (On pof of course, can't keep away from the thing, it's morbid curiosity!) A man has entered his profession as "sports analist". grin Made me giggle anyway!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 19:40:25

poppy, we know. you will be ok, you know.
sure it will all be better in the morning, but grab some cake, a blanket, a film and hunker down for the evening.

SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 19:52:39

It'll pass, Poppy, sorry you're feeling shit. Just try not to invest too much too soon, it's nothing to do with how old you are, or how attractive you are, it's that he's flaky, honestly.

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 19:58:14

Poppy, I know the crap feeling when 1) something/plan/date etc has cancelled and 2) the object of your affection wants to slow down a bit

But - look at it this way, at least he's told you whats wrong (more than I'm getting from bloody BC at the moment!) and thats fine right? it's been a couple of weeks, there's no hurry. I can get easily overloaded, a bit like he's described and it's never a relfection on the bloke, just that I'm juggling too much and I'm frazzled.

Relax and don't try to force things or angst about contact etc. Keep on keeping on with your life - as was discussed on another dating related type thread today, a bloke should fit into your life instead of you fitting your life around the bloke. Plan something nice or exciting or indulgent for yourself to take your mind off the crappiness of tonight. And definitely have cake. You'll be ok!

SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 20:04:09

Sorry about BC, Lubey sad Suppose but fwiw, I think you're doing the right thing.

SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 20:05:15

Don't know where that random 'suppose' came from hmm

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 20:20:57

I should have trusted the worst photo...

Posted from loo smile

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 20:24:58

Thanks hon (how are you btw?) Yeah, I know I am - it's ok and I'm ok don't worry. I don't know why, but I am confused probably knowing it's right helps a lot. And looking forward to the men 2013 might chuck my way probably helps even more ;) <completes new cosmic order>

<hums WeeeEEE are neverrr everr everrr.... getting back together>

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 20:31:42


SweetSeraphim Sun 18-Nov-12 20:43:45

I'm fine, treasure! Am slightly tense after giving up the fags and the weed a week ago... But I'm getting there!

I know you know you're right - I can hear it in your words!

snapespeare Sun 18-Nov-12 20:55:55

bant run for it!

Poppysquad Sun 18-Nov-12 21:00:24

Still not quite getting there. I am analysing too much. Is there any point carrying on with online dating? Are there any real alternatives? What has anyone tried?

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 18-Nov-12 21:07:52

poppy, pah, its a numbers game. some people get lucky quickly, and others of us are still giving it a go years down the line.

online dating is unlikely to find you your perfect match, what it will do is get you out there, meeting people and maybe something will happen, and maybe it wont. but you cant count on finding anything from it.

it needs to be taken with a pinch of salt and not be the main focus of your life.

quite a few of us are ' on the sofa' which is not online dating. some of us are trying to make the most of rl situations, going out, working on social lives, trying to meet men in other ways. some of us are just bimbling along and hoping at somepoint we might meet someone nice.

but to consol you, there are millions of women in the same situation we are, it says nothing about us, you dont have to be part of a couple to be a valid person.

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 21:09:32

Poppy honestly just forgoet it all for a couple of days. Don't scour any OD type sites now, it will push you over the edge when feeling like this wink

I am erring on the side of preferring being oot and aboot in RL. All my relationships that have gone anywhere beyond about date 4 have been RL based. Have a look at for your area... I'm a member of two of my local ones. The group does all sorts from walking to cinema to dinner and lots of cool culturey stuff. I don't think I'll do OD again. But, that's me.

SweetSeraphim thanks xx and you're doing SO well! Keep it up, it only gets easier from this point, as the physical habit starts to die away. The crappy moments will get fewer I promise!

SkaffenAmtiskaw Sun 18-Nov-12 21:19:24

puts head round door hello guys, may I join you? smile

I've been following your threads on and off for a while and you have given me the courage to try again with OD after a year-long break. This is perhaps my 3rd or 4th go at this, this time I've gone for OKCupid. In the past I've tried GSM, Match and POF.

Previous attempts at OD didn't go very well, I got a few dates but nothing came out of them.

I'm in touch with 2 guys, one who is a single dad, frustrated writer with a good line in banter, we are getting on quite well on paper (well, you see what I mean!), we've been messaging a lot. The other is a real ale buff who seems really nice although not wildly exciting, we haven't messaged so much.

Anyway I look forward to sharing my adventures in OD with you and reading about yours! smile

MacAndCheese Sun 18-Nov-12 21:58:18

Welcome Skaffen

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 22:01:57

hey skaffen - real ale buffs in my experience tend to enjoy trainspotting and dungeons and dragons. Is he tending in that direction?

Tonights date was a 'meh' - from my direction at least. Part of me wants to know how she felt, purely for the ego boost/reality check. But not a goer for a second date. So. Psychotherapist on Wednesday. Attractive, childless, funny. We'll see how we go.

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 22:07:59

Oh I just saw a weird line in a profile..

"i have an amazing heart and am willing to show it to the right person"

that might give me nightmares.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Sun 18-Nov-12 22:34:38

Ha Bantam that is a weird line!

RealAleBuff hasn't shown any inclination towards trainspotting or D&D yet, no, but it's early days! He likes hiking though.

Thanks for the welcome Mac. I feel right at home on this thread!smile

lubeybooby Sun 18-Nov-12 22:36:34

Hello and welcome Skaffen!

QuestionTime Sun 18-Nov-12 22:38:09

Hi ladies. Well after wheelchair disaster date I was out on Friday and met the most lovely guy through a friend of a friend. We've basically spent the whole weekend together - he's just lovely and such a gentleman. So we will see where it leads - lost my enthusiasm for OD in the meantime though! Must not put all eggs in one basket repeat as mantra

Inebriatededna Sun 18-Nov-12 22:41:33

Delurking to say come on people keep your chins up
I've been through nearly every emotion Ive read on here ,awful exes ,single parenthood , money worries , the online dating rollercoaster and that feeling that things are never going to change but my kids have grown up into wonderful adults (well I thinkso ) and at 50 and far from slim Im 8 months into a relationship with a lovely man I met on POF.
Theres hope for us all !

SkaffenAmtiskaw Sun 18-Nov-12 22:47:40

Edna that is great to hear! smile

MacAndCheese Sun 18-Nov-12 22:55:57

Yay Edna!!

QT - excellent news also! smile

Bant - envy < not envy.

Lubey - know what you mean about considering not doing OD again. Far too traumatic for me at the moment cock shots burned into my retinas

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:14:10

I just had a message from an Italian man who looks like a psychotic Johnny Depp, covered in Prison tattoo's 'i love to tell u that u look great ,,your body drive me'

I should keep away..right?

MacAndCheese Sun 18-Nov-12 23:37:07

It would depend just how much he resembled Johnny Depp mercury wink

I'm kidding of course.

mylifeagain Sun 18-Nov-12 23:41:02

Hi all
Not posted for ages and was under a different name but have been keeping up with all that you've been getting upto.

Have been seeing someone I met OD for a few months now but not sure I really want to date any more, quite happy doing my own thing which seems to fit in quite well with some of your feelings at the moment too.

Anyway de-lurked because I've seen this a couple of times and honestly do not have a clue what I'm supposed to look out for....what are "prison tattoos"?

MacAndCheese Sun 18-Nov-12 23:42:25

Evening life

I have no idea either, does anyone have an explanation of sorts?

bantamrooster Sun 18-Nov-12 23:49:42

I think they're very basic tattoos, badly done, black ink only as far as I know, which are commonly given in prison. It it's a butterfly on his arm, or a celtic band, that's art. If it's 'LUV/HAT' on his knuckles, watch out

mercury7 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:56:13

ok, he looks like a combo of Johnny depp and robert de niro in cape image cape fear if you want a better idea.
Suffice to say he looks as mad a a box of frogs and has so far sent 4 messages

mylifeagain Mon 19-Nov-12 00:02:24

Ahh, get you, thanks makes more sense now!

@mercury looks like he's got the hots for you smile

mylifeagain Mon 19-Nov-12 00:07:45

So bant you made your escape? Did you climb out of the window or make a dignified exit?

MacAndCheese Mon 19-Nov-12 00:11:07

Ooh definitely got a fan there mercury

No profile link? sad

Come on bant tell us your story! grin

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 00:22:35

it was just a 'meh' date. We sat, had coffees, talked for an hour. It was plain when she turned up that I wasn't going to possibly fancy her. And she wasn't a sparkling conversationalist. It was okay. Passed a couple of hours. Could've been watching TV. Not much more to tell really. I've got to think about whether I send her a text saying 'nice to meet you, no spark though' or just leave it. I don't think she was hugely into me either, there just wasn't that spark.

So. Meh.

mylifeagain Mon 19-Nov-12 00:24:01

Sorry mac didn't say hello back... How rude! Hi smile

mylifeagain Mon 19-Nov-12 00:27:14

Ah bant I'd probably just leave it tbh unless she sends a follow up text and then do your "no sparks" line

Good luck with the rest of your dates this week

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 00:28:05

profile link:

wont work unless you're a member, although it's free for women

Mercury checked it. As a box of frogs, although looks so deranged he could be ok. Now I've had to join up, how do I hide 'profile' there?

Aghhhh too many cocks. Literally. Mercury how the hell do you work out who's ok on there?

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 00:57:09

ha ha ha yes it is a bit louche, but entertaining grin

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 01:02:47

I dont think you can hide but leave your profile empty and dont log on, you should be safe like thatgrin

Walkacrossthesand Mon 19-Nov-12 01:06:56

Hi all, mind if I join in? Last time I was here lurking you were all busy writing a 'my single friend' profile for hatesponge - did it ever get posted? I was right off OD at that stage, having had very depressing no-response experiences with & grown-up dating. But, being an old bird (52) I thought I'd try 'olderdating' (there really is something compulsive about OD isn't there - the tantalising thought that there must be someone out there...) and guess what! Some guys have messaged me - and some seem halfway decent! Cripes! No dates or anything yet, but heck - I'm reeling from the shock!

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 01:33:18

Hiya Walkacrosssmile not at all.
I agree it can be a bit compulsive, although I do have long phases of not wanting to know, usually in the winter.
Suspect that finding a site/niche that works for you is part of it, some sites I've never really got on with!

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 01:45:05

Questiontime ooh, good luck!

MacAndCheese I ditched all OD profiles etc about 13 months ago - still have totally no desire to ever set my eyes on one again!

Don't let me put anyone off though. I did about 3.5 years of it altogether and I have totally had enough, even not having been involved for all this time. But it really does seem to work for some people. Some quickly, some after a lot of potatoes, frogs, weirdos etc. I think it's worth giving a good go, but if it starts getting you really down it's time to quit and do other stuff.

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 01:47:16

Hi and welcome Walkacross good luck with that different site! Sounds good so far - keep us posted grin

Melanthe Mon 19-Nov-12 04:32:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 19-Nov-12 07:14:10

Hi Melanthe, I think you've wandered onto the wrong thread with your question - this thread is for sharing online dating experiences. I don't know what the 'fallout' was (but I suspect you have other threads about this - I vaguely recall the scenario) but the simple answer is - short relationship, he ended it - don't talk to him! Having a strong sense of 'unanswered questions that only he can answer' is part of a breakup, and has to be dealt with by deep breaths and telling yourself it's over over over, any remaining questions will become less important with time and he will not be interested in further discussion. You might not get any more responses on this thread btw because you've posted on the wrong thread but I don't think MNHQ can move a single posting, just delete it if you ask them to - you might like to re-post as a new thread.

fayster Mon 19-Nov-12 07:40:53

Melanthe, I don't think it will help you to talk, to be honest. Rejection sucks, but it happens, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you!

The relationship wasn't working for him, and that's all you really need to know. If you push him for reasons (not sure if that's why you want to speak to him, you don't say), you will be pushing him to think of what he thinks is wrong with you. You don't need to hear that, it's not relevant to your life.

As Walk says, in time it will matter less, but in the meantime, keep up a friendly, professional demeanour.

We've got a few dates and second dates, this week, haven't we? Good luck!

Watch, is it today you hear about the house for certain? Have got fingers crossed for you.

KirstyWirsty Mon 19-Nov-12 08:05:30

I've hidden my profile .. I lasted a whole fortnight although no genital portraits were received thankfully

Got a 2nd date lined up with theAuditor and have a date in a couple of weeks with theSubmariner and that will do me just now ..

Hope this wet and windy Monday finds you all well!

yoga any reply to your email?

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 19-Nov-12 08:05:36

Melanthe - I am not on online dater, only tried it for two months before I met someone in RL but have been on the this thread since it first began, last August I think smile should probably leave but...I haven't grin

Anyways, it must be hard for you, having to work with him after splitting. I can see why that would make it hard to move on, find some sort of closure. If it would help you to know the reasons why, then see if he will talk but only the once.

Wanted to ask you all something too but as this thread is for online dating I will stick it in relationships and maybe some of you will have a look, it's a lot easier talking about things with people I have been chatting to for over a year than random mumsnetters smile

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 08:07:12

Morning all.

mercury you just find all the good-uns!

bant telly was rubbish last night anyway

So the engineer replied "Nae probs only a game at this point ,good luck with your search". Quite civilised. At least he didn't call me sista or babe again.

Juliette messaged someone on GS for me but so far no reply.

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 08:27:03

Morning all

Fate I'll look out for it

Kirsty, two weeks! I think this confirms i'm doing the right thing keeping out of it. Blimey. Good luck with the chaps/dates lined up though

Yoga - phew, good reply from him

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 08:30:48

Fate, post here i say smile we all discuss things other than od.... jobs, ex's, food, xmas, houses etc.....

Cheers for asking fayster smile it wont be today sad
Have to enter the second guarantor details which cant happen till today or tomorrow ( company processing time) and it will take 4 ish days from then.....
So we are assuming it will be ok and packing in readyness.

Yoga- glad he took it well .

Mel - agree with what fayster said...

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 08:32:54

watch still keeping fingers xxx'd for your house. A friend might have a lead on a job for me. Not a brilliant job but it's local and good hours and she's going to hand in a cv and put in a good word for me before they adverstise. In the mean time I'm off to the job centre again. sad

NicholasTeakozy Mon 19-Nov-12 08:49:35

Phew Yoga, at least he took it well! Telly was not rubbish last night! Guy Martin followed by Homeland is mos' def good telly.

Poppy feeling lonely is normal if you're not used to being on your own. Chin up, tits out.

Melanthe, I wouldn't bother trying to get answers, you might not like what he has to say.

Good luck to the daters, I'm staying on the sofa.

Oh, as a real ale drinker I'm not into trainspotting or D&D. Nor do I knit my own beard hair. I did get quite animated when I saw a Vincent Black Shadow last week. wink

I'm staying on the sofa, too. I'd love to be dating and I know I'm in for another fairly lonely Xmas, but I am resisting the pull of the OD again.

watch - crossing all sorts of bits for you on the house.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 09:08:05

oh yeah, i forgot about the real ale thing... no, its cool to like real ales, bit hipster actually, or certainly is round here. bant, sometimes you are quite out on your assumptions i think. sorry your date didnt go great though.

thanks for the wishes on the house... i wish we definatley knew. I cant see why it wont go through, but until you have the 100% ok and the contract, its not confirmed. Once i get that i need to try to sweet talk my current agent to letting me go early and a very kind MNetter has penned an email for me. so im hoping it will all work out. If it does i shall be moving on the 15th dec which is going to be spectactulary shite, but there we go.
least i wont have time to have a lonely xmas.

yoga- excellent. I hope it does lead somewhere. i have everything crossed for you. It would be a great start to the new year for you smile
( and you know what, doesnt matter how ' good' a job it is. A job is a job in this climate, they are hard to come by.

FlorentinePogen Mon 19-Nov-12 09:11:57

I did get quite animated when I saw a Vincent Black Shadow last week.

Ooh, what will you be like if you ever see a Black Lightning ? wink

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 09:17:33

watch re the job - when i said it's not a 'brilliant' job I just meant it won't be the most exciting thing in the world but trust me, if i get the chance, I will JUMP at it! I won't even have to think twice. Might not know anything for a while though as there's nothing official happening yet.

skyebluesapphire Mon 19-Nov-12 09:42:26

so you guys were right...

talk about shot down in flames.... date off.... im not what he is looking for.... after a week of emailing and telling me Im exactly what he has been looking for... but he does want to carry on emailing as he loves the contact with me.....

Men aye ?! Still, need to try and see it for what it was, a week of fun chatting to somebody...

Lesson learned also, meet fairly quickly, before engaging too much....

skye - rubbish, innit? But there are women who do exactly the same, just in lesser quantities than the men! I never get the "I don't want to date you but can we carry on emailing?" which is a similar thing to "there's no spark there but I do like you and it'd be really good if we could be friends". I've already got lots of friends, thanks, I'm here to date and find a relationship, not a friendship.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 19-Nov-12 09:49:48

Nicholas and watch, that's reassuring what you're saying about real ale drinkers. smile
Good luck with the job Yoga

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 19-Nov-12 09:52:25

Skye to hear that, it's really crap. It's reminding me I should really get on with arranging a date with my frustrated writer...

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 19-Nov-12 09:53:25

What is a Vincent Black Shadow???

FlorentinePogen Mon 19-Nov-12 10:00:06

Vincent Black Shadow = Classic motorbike from the 40's/50's.

skyebluesapphire Mon 19-Nov-12 10:05:51

Its just so shit. I was honest with him, sent him full length pics of myself , told him I was overweight. (He is also overweight...), and then after we hooked up on facebook and he saw more pics, he decided that I was too big for him....

This is after loads of emails saying its the personality that counts, look at me, Im big too, blah blah blah........ now he has decided that I am too big... I was honest all the way down the line, which he admits...

So its ok for him to be short fat and bald, but not me. (not that Im bald, lol). I understand that its not for everybody, but HE was the one who kept spouting off that its the personality that counts.....

NicholasTeakozy Mon 19-Nov-12 10:08:50

Well Florentine, a mates dad has a Vincent Black Prince in his garage which he bought for about £70 in the 60s. No, you can't have his address. I would love a Black Lightning though...

Ale is cool. Not just CAMRA definitions of ale. If you go to a Brewdog pub you will be served no beer that is certified as real ale. Just bloody good beer that actually tastes of something. They're currently in Camden, Nottingham, Leeds, Edinburgh and Aberdeen.

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 10:14:19

There's a Brewdog in Glasgow as well if anyone's interested. (A date took me there, the date was meh, the beer was good!)

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 19-Nov-12 10:20:58

Skye - as it's personality that counts and his is clearly crap, sounds like no great loss for you anyways smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 10:33:49

Sky. Dont worry.. rookie error smile

Online dating is full of pitfalls and muppets.
Error 1- you believed what he said... it all needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.
Error 2- you made yourself vunerable andit sounds like you appolgised for hpw you look ... why would you even do that? Up your self esteem a bit. Dont ever appolgise for tbings like that nor what life has yhrown at you. Also dont give personnal/ life history to these people, they are strangers.
Error 3- you let him on your fb to judge you before you even met.

Its crap. But we have all made exqctly the same mistakes! You live and learn and wont make them again.... welcome to the online dating club!!! Lol.

MsCellophane Mon 19-Nov-12 10:35:01

Can't keep up so marking my place

Sorry to everyone feeling blue and happy to everyone that is having a good week

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 11:18:48

ooh how interesting. I'm going to the Brewdog in Camden on saturday night. Never heard of it before but it's on the pub-crawl list, and mentioned here. Coincidence or woo?

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 11:22:51

Definitely woo Bant wink

I lived in Boston for years (Massachusetts, not Lincolnshire) so I'm a girl who's at home in a good brew pub.

KirstyWirsty Mon 19-Nov-12 11:23:16

bant definitely fate .. Did you text your date and let her know that you won't be having a 2nd date?

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Mon 19-Nov-12 11:34:04

Skye sorry to hear that. Are you planning on keeping up the emails? I think he's got a cheek asking actually!

bant sounds woo! Is this another date?

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Mon 19-Nov-12 11:35:13

Skye Sorry to hear what's happened but please don't let it get you down. It''s pretty much part & parcel of on line dating unfortunately & watch gives some excellent advice on the subject.

This is most definitely a case of it's not you it's him. There is a 99.9% chance that he never wanted to meet in the flesh anyway. If you had looked Like Beyonce he would have cried off saying you were out of his league. You can't win either way. Sadly there are people out there who are happy to belittle others to boost their own flagging egos. There is a term commonly used to describe such people. That term is "inadequate prick". I would suggest that you don't let anybody else you may speak to become friends with you on FB. Well, not until you have met in the flesh anyway. Remember they are strangers and try and guard your privacy accordingly.

I am in a good mood today. I went to see my beloved Rufus Wainwright at the Hammersmith Apollo last night and managed to get invited up on stage. grin The downside is that it has set my recovery from the flu back about 3 days. I went into work and my boss sent me home after 90 minutes. Although said flu isn't going to stop me going out to see The Band Perry tonight! <<worlds worst employee>>

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 11:35:16

yoga the brew pubs in boston are great - I love the beer works. Although tbh New jersey ones are better smile (The Triumph in Princeton being my favourite)

and no Kirsty I didn't text her, but on the date I didn't say anything like 'I'll call you' or anything, it was kind of clear at the end of the date that it was just a nice way to spend the time, no chemistry there.

Plus she 'winked' at me on wednesday, we mailed a couple of times, texted a couple of times, no huge connection or buildup so I don't think I need to text her, do I? Just to say 'I know it's obvious but I didn't think you were that great, so here's me saying so out loud'

KirstyWirsty Mon 19-Nov-12 11:42:55

I would still text or message her through the dating site .. I didn't think there was any spark with theLecturer there was also no contact when we left not even a handshake and I messaged him to say so .. He replied that he had 'felt the opposite'!!!

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 11:45:29

No, Bantam, I don't think you need to text her. If she texts you first just a polite reply will do. And there may indeed be decent brew pubs in New Jersey. But they're in New Jersey. Boston so wins.

skyebluesapphire Mon 19-Nov-12 12:04:19

* There is a term commonly used to describe such people. That term is "inadequate prick".*

grin at Milk.....

Im such a novice at all this... I have been and updated my Match profile from full figured to big and beautiful, already described myself as overweight, but just checked....

I obviously know that most men don't go for big women, or I'd have a queue hanging out my door hmm grin, lol, BUT!! I was the one who kept mentioning my weight and he was the one who kept saying you are lovely, dont worry about it........

I wasnt going to add him to facebook until after we met, but actually Im glad I did now as he may have looked horrified when I turned up, it could have been a very embarrassing and humiliating date... although he claims to be a gentleman......

he has unfriended me on facebook and hasnt replied to my text, although I do know he has a very busy day today after a week off...... We had both agreed that if we met and didnt hit it off then it would be nice to stay friends as we get on so well by email, lol.

I just dont know what to do now. I have looked at loads of profiles on, lets see what happens all the way round. Christmas is coming, maybe I can pull somebody local lol

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 12:05:13

bant - you should text her, out of polietness. How many times have you heard us all moan about waiting to hear, and then called a man a coward when he doesnt. Its happened to you as well, when you have been waiting for the phone to go.

i dont think you need to say anything rude, but just a ' it was nice meeting you, but i dont think the spark was there, good luck'

and leave it at that, or message her something like that via the dating site.

Especially so if you are the founder of

Sky it really isn't you. As said upthread you only made the rooky mistake of believing what you saw. I used to want to really get to know them on line before meeting, now I meet asap. Even so we all slip up sometimes, I had one a few weeks ago that I let get to me, talked all the time and then he cancelled right before the date. Please don't give him any more of your head space.

Bantam no would say no message necessary, sometimes it's just so obvious that any further confirmation is almost worse.

Yoga I am sitting on my hands trying not to check if he has been on line grin

SweetSeraphim Mon 19-Nov-12 12:09:01

Yes, I agree with watch, she might have thought the opposite. And may be waiting to hear from you. What may be obvious to you may not be obvious to her.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 12:10:02

bantam I agree with yoga and some others who said there is no need to text...

Maybe she also felt that there was no spark/chemistry, so both get out of this with head held up high and not making much fuss out of this.

If I would feel the same as you have described and then I would receive a text from my date saying something along the lines of no spark etc. I would think of him as a prick and would wonder where he has got the idea of me having liked him THAT much from?!.
I would almsot think of it as an insult actually.

So, no answer/no contact is also an answer, and should she write and suggest a second date, then a short and polite no spark reply is sufficient, me thinks smile

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 12:10:58

indeed. ive had times when i thought it was dire and thought it was obvious i didnt like them at all, only for them to call and want a second date. and then times when i thought it had gone great, only not to hear from them ever.
its just one sentance, its best to send it.

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 12:11:24

Juliette - he's been online and he's viewed my profile so guessing he's probably not going to respond.

skyebluesapphire Mon 19-Nov-12 12:12:41

thanks. I am taking onboard all comments and advice. Im glad I joined the thread.....

few extra typos from me today

Yoga well if he doesn't, meh.

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 12:21:33

The problem with asking opinions on a forum like this is that people end up giving them..

so that's 3 voting to text her as she may be sitting at home blissfully looking forward to a second date, 3 voting not to as she may be insulted.

I texted her. Polite, short, 'nice meeting you, no spark' - she replied ' me neither, nice meeting you too'.

Done. I have earned my ethical brownie points, she's okay with it (unless she's currently wailing and gnashing her teeth which I really doubt).

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 12:29:01

Ah. But you have done the best thing, you have treated her with respect and as how you would like to be treated.

If everyone did the same half the angst with od would vanish

Yoga, shit when that happens. Worst still if it was someone you looked at and thought they wetent great but ypu would give a chance to. Urgh. ( happened to me loads)

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Mon 19-Nov-12 12:33:19

Well that was painless enough bantam

I personally wouldn't be insulted if a guy didn't get in touch after a date. I would just assume that he wasn't interested and move on. I suppose everybody is different though.

I once just didn't answer somebodies follow up text. I don't feel great about it but seeming as though he had lied about everything apart from the fact he was a man AND let me buy all my own drinks* I didn't feel overly evil.

*I don't just mean buying in rounds. Which is fine & what I would expect to happen anyway. I mean actually going to the bar with me, buying his own drink & leaving me to buy mine. shock

Yoga I've PMd you

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 12:44:22

bantam sounds good smile

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 12:50:22

Hi worldcitizen

watch tis fine - he actually replied to say he's been a few dates with someone else and wants to see how that goes. He sounds nice. I'm not holding my breath. I don't feel bad.

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 12:57:39

Well done bantam, nice couple of extra ethical brownie points there.

hatesponge Mon 19-Nov-12 13:19:03

I think that should ensure some good karma for you Bantam

I prefer to get a text rather than nothing at all, seems 'tidier' that way - I suppose because my very first ever internet date almost 4 years ago now who I could not have fancied less sent me a lovely text post date thanking me for a great evening, that he felt no spark but notwithstanding really enjoyed meeting me and wished me well for the future.

which kind of set me up to expect everyone to be that polite. which sadly they're not!

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 19-Nov-12 13:39:59

I also think you were right to text her Bantam, even if it was obviously not going to work, it's only polite to do so.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 13:40:06

Hello yoga and everyone else, too.

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 13:58:00

'I personally wouldn't be insulted if a guy didn't get in touch after a date. I would just assume that he wasn't interested and move on'
same here Milk he's someone I hardly know and have no emotional attachment to..anything he says or does is water off a ducks back

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 15:08:18

I wouldn't be offended but it would save me wondering sometimes when it was a bit borderline and I wasn't sure... I think I'd prefer it to be made clear

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 15:49:03

But if you're not sure you could always message them yourself. If its only one date and not had massive build up to it before hand I don't see a problem

hmm I guess I am still stung by the times when I've should have trusted the worst photo and found out they were a total twat and then get a text from them before I've even got home to say I'm not suitable. I've had a few less than pleasant ones, maybe because they are getting it in first so I do find this even more insulting when really there was no need to do it at all.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 16:19:05

I agree, if you're not sure, then text yourself and then there might be the polite short and sweet 'no spark' feedback or maybe not.

I would feel hmm about someone texting me to let me know Thanks, but no thanks, if I was already thinking the same and if the date's atmosphere has given that away already.

Should I have felt the spark and was head over heels or at least wanting a repeat, yes I would wait to hear from him and no answer would mean to me that he felt otherwise, and should I not be able to let it go, then I would contact and ask about a second date or comment on something etc. and expect no answer, or polite short 'no spark' answer or some rubbish, which then might open a whole can of worms should I fall for it.

I think men are generally quite simple. And I don't mean this in a bad way. I truly think if a man likes me then he'll find a way to keep getting in contact and try to get to know me...and I decide for myself what I want from him and go with the flow and see where it goes as long as I like it and am happy with it.

I also would be careful about interpreting too much into what a man says or promises, I am for actions speak louder than words and that over a looooongish period of time.

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 16:26:38

this is slowly (very slowly) working through my head as another rule or two for Ethical Dating - the person who makes the first contact is obliged to contact the contactee after the first date, if there is one, to either give a polite thankyou or ask for another date. The contactee can of course send a message first.

Also, you should be able to filter your inbox so you don't receive one line messages. In my profile I said I like Family Guy, and I got one message from a girl this morning saying 'Family Guy Rox!' And nothing else

Now if she was attractive and educated and could spell 'rocks' then I might be interested enough to follow up. But she's not. I do know she's one of the 3.5 million or so people that watch Family Guy regularly. Can we build a relationship on that? Probably not.

One liners are a non starter for me. Unless they're reeeally cute.

I'm actually getting kind of excited about the psychotherapist on Wednesday. Her pictures have grown on me, and she lists one of her hobbies as 'having a nice sit down' which I laughed out loud at.

I did not LOL.

SweetSeraphim Mon 19-Nov-12 16:31:24

Family Guy does roc though.

I can't stand Family Guy. But I agree about one liners being banned and the first contactee should respond appropriately after the date, whether it be a "fancy meeting up again?" or "sorry, no spark".

hmm I guess I am still stung by the times when I've should have trusted the worst photo and found out they were a total twat and then get a text from them before I've even got home to say I'm not suitable. I've had a few less than pleasant ones, maybe because they are getting it in first so I do find this even more insulting when really there was no need to do it at all.

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 16:38:38

oh it does seraphim - Family Guy and beer got me through many a night of being newly separated. Wow, I paint a picture of myself as a true renaissance man there, don't I?

But I wouldn't mail someone on Match saying 'I like zumba too!' and expect a response. Especially as I don't

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 16:41:09

Juliette - I agree, that's shit - but I wouldn't text someone to say they weren't 'suitable' - I'd say 'thanks, I had a great time tonight, it was lovely to meet you but I wasn't feeling the spark there - good luck with everything though' - or some more personalised version of that. That can't be offensive surely?

It's the difference between saying 'there's something wrong with you' and 'the chemistry between us wasn't right' - big difference there I think

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 16:44:03

You CAN filter one liners on POF - you can set the minimum size for a first message to 50+ characters/100+/200+.

Oh go on Bant, LOL. Just once. It's not so bad - I bet once you try it you'll like it. grin

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 16:47:01

llll..., lllll...L....O..., lllooooo

no. Sorry.

KirstyWirsty Mon 19-Nov-12 16:52:49

Yes Bant it's not too bad at all .. in fact I think POF gets undeserved bad press

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 16:57:14

Yoga I did that before - the character limit.

I got messages saying

'hi yr sexi.............................'''''''''''''''........................................................


etc etc to fill in the required spaces hmm

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:11:38

Lubey Ha - hadn't thought of that!

(chicken fajitas by the way)

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 17:13:20

Sorry to hear that Juliette That is shit angry

smokinaces Mon 19-Nov-12 17:22:19

How did i not know you guys were here?! I've been unsuccessfully dating on pof for too long (too stingy to pay)

Over the years I have had halitosis guy, ten years older than photo guy, camp guy (how he wasn't gay was unreal) bad date guy (had to have a friend ring me to rescue me), con man date (wanted my money, ha) and on the dole but pretending to be a millionaire guy. And then I had the summer relationship which I thought was so good till he kept dropping me for fishing and football.

But I went on a v. Good date Saturday night (drinks 6pm till one am) and then went for lunch and coffee yesterday. So far so good. But aware this could spin on a pin!!

Wickaninnish Mon 19-Nov-12 17:50:25

Phew! At long last I have managed to catch up.

I was sent here by DD who was increasingly frustrated by the misery I was feeling over my OD experiences.

You have all really helped to restore my self confidence. I no longer feel abnormal or unloveable and can clearly see that I need to toughen up before dipping my toe back into the water.

So delurking to say a big thank you !!

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 19-Nov-12 17:53:16

And thank you for de lurking smile

Its always nice to hear we arent the only ones who dont have huge success with it.

Welcome aboard smile

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 19-Nov-12 17:54:58

Hi everyone,

Lots of things happening, or not as the choice may be. I am waiting to hear from my date (Action Man) last Thursday for the arrangements for this the meantime, well let's just say WarmFuzzy has been up to mischief of the Coffee variety wink.

Have decided to concentrate on the fella already in 'stable' if Action Man CBA to sort out the next date as agreed.

I am kinda of lurking because RL is a bit busy and by the time I have caught up on all the happenings I've forgotten who and what so can't post a reasoned responsesmile

MacAndCheese Mon 19-Nov-12 17:57:24

Fuzzy! Was it good Coffee? wink

Hello all.

Date tonight cancelled as he's supporting a friend through a tough time I smell bullshit

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 18:05:20

Fuzzy - is he called Action Man because he does lots of extreme sports, or because he has no genitals?

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:32:43

LOL! (see - not that hard) grin

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 18:36:36

Hello smokinaces blimey you've been right through the ole' dating mill! shock I don't think there's a better thread for you to be on, tbh! Welcome and good luck with your new 'good date all ok so far' bloke.

Yoga, you sould have seen my face. I was so smug, I really thought I'd cracked getting rid of the stupid one liners or even one worders... ffs. I think I packed PoF in that night for a while grin

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 18:38:17

Hello to Wickaninnish too grin

snapespeare Mon 19-Nov-12 18:44:31

<waves at thread>

Nothing dating to report, nothing voldie to report, DS1 still not back at school, hopefully tomorrow. Worn out with everything, have wine and book.

As you were.


smokinaces Mon 19-Nov-12 18:46:48

I swear I never knew so many, well weird, guys existed.

The saddest bit is I rejoined a couple of weeks back and saw a profile of a guy I went on a date with 2.5 years ago. His photo was five years old then. And he is still using it! Do they not realise how old they look now?!

This guy seems gentlemanly. He is a chatterbox but in a nice way. Been textimg on today. Shared a wee kiss last night. Not the best kiss ever, but they aren't always to begin with. And it wasn't bad don't get me wrong. Just reminded me of a teenage kiss in a way - bit fumbled, which it was as was in my car when I dropped him back.

He has his kids this weekend and not sure if I can get out this week. Now the internal debate about how soon is too soon to invite him here for a coffee one evening in week instead. He's been an open book and I've done a bit of googling so don't distrust him as such. Just not sure how this works.

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 19:28:28

Welcome smoke, Hi snape <waves back>.

I am totally bored and fed up with just about everything at the moment so this thread is pretty much the highlight of my day and now that I've admitted that I'm going to crawl away somewhere dark to hide

Eeeks, waiting for my date to turn up (I'm a bit early)...will try a loo update if I get the chance? We are wine tasting so I imagine I will need the loo!

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 19:59:10

smokin your posts are hilarious grin I cannot stop laughing, it is just so funny if it wouldn't be so sad

So yoga did you drop the engineer?

Hate this part..sneaking glances at all passersby hoping ill reccognise him when he turns up...

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:07:06

World Yes, sent him an email last night and got a very civilised reply.

smokinaces Mon 19-Nov-12 20:10:47

Oooh questions I don't like that part. The Saturday date rung me to say he was running late and walking over the bridge. So I watched the bridge walkers. Right in front of him, hiding him from view was a guy clearly with issues or drunk at least fifty and oh my god I nearly pegged it right there.

He was a v. Nice surprise after that.

And indeed looked like his pictures ;-)

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 20:12:20

This, ladies and gentlemen .. well, mostly ladies is the wonder of modern technology. We've walked on the moon, cured diseases which were hitherto the scourge of humanity. We can talk in real time to people on the other side of the world, and find the sum of human knowledge at our fingertips.

And yet right now, there are a dozen or so - maybe twenty - people waiting for a woman they have never met to go to the toilet in a pub in london so we find out what her date is like.

Strange world we live in.

fayster Mon 19-Nov-12 20:18:01

Hello all, just stopping by to mark my place. Welcome to everyone new to the thread and everyone new to dating!

Watch, will uncross my fingers for now then, and cross them again in a few days.

Yoga, will be crossing them for your job, too.

Watching University Challenge after finishing off pasta with tomato and marscapone sauce with leeks and mushrooms added.

GreenEyedGirlxxx Mon 19-Nov-12 20:29:54

I actually keep hitting refresh on my phone just to see if question has gone to the loo and posted yet! It's keeping my Monday night interesting...

Well I'm messaging a couple of guys on POF but not really blown away. But maybe that's a good thing - low expectations.

So far ive just replied to people who have messaged me. Question for you - when you message a guy, what sort of things do you usually say? I've seen a couple of people I like the look of but have no idea what to say...

Also bantam - or anyone really - any tips as to what sort of things I should have in my profile and how long it should be. Obviously I don't want it so brief it says nothing - but I'm assuming an essay's not great either? Do men really read the profiles?!

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 20:33:03

yoga That sounds good.

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 20:38:17

Hi Green - I can't speak for all men. I read the profiles. Generally I'll look at the main picture, go straight to the profile and read that, if it's interesting I'll look for what they're looking for in a bloke - am I too old, is the fact that I have kids or I smoke (or the fact that I'm only 5'10 - I mean seriously there was a girl I saw who was 5'3 and insisted her date must be 6' plus. Too picky) Then I'll take a look at the other photos and if she looks okay I'll either mail her straightaway or add her to favourites so I can mail her later when I've got more time.

if you want to PM me I can take a look at your profile and suggest changes, I've done it for a few others, although generally haven't been able to make a huge number of suggestions as they've already been generally pretty good.

2 or 3 paragraphs is fine, not too many cliches (like to go out and stay in with dvd/wine, I love my friends and family) - that's just filler. Try and start with a funny line.

You're going to attract the weirdos no matter what, even if you have an empty profile, but if its good it will attract the type of guy you want to attract.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 20:48:47

That sounds very reasonable. I sort of go about it that way too when looking at men's profiles.

snapespeare Mon 19-Nov-12 20:53:30

I had 27 visitors on OKC today. No messages. Not even a 'hi babez'

Pixiebelle123 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:00:12

Oh no, Dishy Dr is making me swoon more than is healthy before meeting someone. He is gorgeous, witty and clever but lives too far away from me. He doesn't have any DCs and we haven't mentioned mine at all in our messages so far. So stupid old me has suggested meeting up the weekend after next. Eeek.

Here's something that's bugging me lots about OD - I messaged a guy a few days ago but he hasn't replied. Fair enough you may think, he's just not interested. But he has viewed my profile everyday since the message - is he just enjoying torturing me?!

<waves back at Snape>

LOLs at Yoga and Bantam

Questions look forward to your update - hope you recognised him!

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 21:16:14

Pixie - the mentioning the kids thing is a difficult decision, but I think you should be up front with him. - Are they mentioned in your profile at all? If not, if you mention it on the date, he's taken by surprise and it's not going to go well.

I'd bring it up casually in some way if you could - if he loses interest then it wouldn't have worked anyway.

the other guy who you messaged, maybe he's dating someone else, not yet at the exclusive stage but doesn't feel right about replying but is intrigued? Or maybe he's married. Or maybe he doesn't know how to type?

You just can't know about these things, and it's probably best to try and put it out of your head.

come on Question your bladder can't be that strong..

QuiteQuiet Mon 19-Nov-12 21:18:02

POF is terrible., some guy just said 'hi quiet' and attached a picture of his arse!!


Has anyone came across the guy dressed as a lady yet?

Or the overly over weight guy who wants a date at MacDonalds? If you email him he will buy you some loubuotons (sp), he works for a gas company and produces his own gas hmm Yeah I bet he does....

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 21:29:40

Quiet - well the arse picture may have been weird, but it's probably the best side of him.

what are loubuotons? Is that like Louis Vuitton?

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 21:32:39

Louboutins are shoes

pixie have you mentioned your kids on your profile somewhere?

smokinaces Mon 19-Nov-12 21:33:44

Aaaaw I feel almost sad I've had no penis or arse photos sent.

I have been mailed and propositioned by a woman though. Which was odd.

hatesponge Mon 19-Nov-12 21:35:14

All this reminds me why I am bloody glad not to be OD anymore! I don't miss the awful messages in the slightest.

I am rather bored though without the entertainment value it provides, especially as work is mind-numbingly dull. I have 4 days left in my current job and literally no work to do. I know it's utterly churlish of me to complain btw, so please feel free to ignore me smile

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:39:44

Louboutins are not just any shoes, they are French Designer Shoes and he's probably got some creepy fetish.

Pixie I always mention kids up front in my profile - no point in meeting someone who can't cope with the fact that they are a big part of my life. They're not babies, and they do spend time with their dad giving me time to myself, but they still occupy a lot of my time & energy.

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:41:20

Hi sponge - lovely to hear from you! smile Do you start new job straight away?

Scattylatte Mon 19-Nov-12 21:46:03

Ok, so I've taken the advice of Yoga and or Milk and entertained myself with the twirling body builders chat in the vague hope the sex will be outstanding if his genital haven't shrunk due to steroids.
He phones me every night. Tonights conversation has consisted of him telling me he is pulling a tractor up a hill for 2 charities, that he is consuming the correct amount of carbohydrates and amino acids. That tractor pulling will be hard work. That I sound tired (you bet). He did ask where I went to college and replied with 'interesting' when I told him. Then continued to talk about how loyal he is, that he has had a very good upbringing, he has a great job, great boss who pays for his Lycra.
He then told me how much he likes talking to me. To be honest the effort required is so minimal it's almost refreshing. I feel like a listening service.

Another one, more negative has emailed to say he has had a very boring weekend. I'm not drawn to him.

Quite, POF is crazy. I got pictures of all sorts, and very strange messages. My profile is hidden as it is a bit too sleazy at times for me.

QuiteQuiet Mon 19-Nov-12 21:47:05

I get arses and penises often ?? Maybe I attract weirdos grin

I spoke to a guy who I thought was lovely for 2 weeks, then he asked me if I wanted to see him on his cam (first time on site) I said 'yes that would be lovely' he was dressed up in stocking and suspenders, looked better than me.

Then I had another 'nice guy' who was very interested in my children, I thought 'how nice' then he asked if they fought, they do, then he asked if they kicked each other in the nuts, they do, turned out he had a fetish, he liked getting kicked in the nuts, I googled him to see who was abnormal, I think its me, it's named 'ball-busting'! I am so naive!!

I even met a guy who lived quite close, it turned out too close, 3 streets away and he was erm... not attractive, he leaned in for a kiss I moved and he kissed my car window. Then started driving up/down my street, thankfully I moved. I re-joined 3 days ago and he was there 'oh I see you have moved'...'fancy another date' I said 'no' he said 'ypou hate me don't you?' I said 'no I don't find you attractive@ he said 'well fu@k off you ugly bitch'.... thank you. grin

I also have a policeman, I dated twice, (giving him a second chance) he collects teddy bears, he is 36!! hmm He left his number again.

I was supposed to go on a date on Fri/Sat whatever day I joined but felt rushed, sure enough via text the next night 'do you ever get so stressed you fancy a good f@cking session'.... OMG. sex sex sex. I would he was a little bit 'too keen'.

Are there any normal men on there? PLEASE grin

Bantam I wasn't having a pop at you, my post was a reflection of my own feelings and experiences, nothing more. I know you wouldn't be rude like that.

I've ever had anyone say 'no spark', quite the opposite and have made it clear they fancy me. I've worked out it's a race thing. Yes, there really are people around like that. They've usually given themselves away by then but it's usually the ones in their fifties, wealthy who are miffed because my knickers I didn't fall at their feet with gratitude. Of course I wouldn't want them if they looked like George Clooney but jeez, no need for the sour grapes texts trying to put me back in my place.

In case anyone doesn't believe this, I actually had one email spelling it out, how about "I have thought long and hard about this, and I'm surprised to realised I don't see black Juliette, but just Juliette and try as I might I just can't see us being anything other than friends." Then was also the man who asked me right before we were due to meet if I had a British passport (as if I was then going to turn up). Oh and lets not forget several men who, on learning my last serious relationship was with a Muslim guy have said "You are Christian, right?" Felt like saying well I've had a couple of Catholics since then, does that purse my fanjo? hmm.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 21:49:01

Hello sponge have been following your dating adventures and was wondering about you.
Well, would like to ask so much, but am not sure about being too personal here.

Have you decided to take a break or are you too heart-broken (this is OTT) because of the last one, the one with posh name?

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 21:53:09

Quiet - sorry for all the shit you've been through. Hopefully it's a little cathartic writing it out for our amusement education. You've definitely had a worse time than me. I didn't even know what ball busting was.

No one has ever asked to skype me wearing stockings and suspenders. Which is a bit depressing really.

There are normal men, I promise, they just take some digging out. And lots and lots of screening.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 19-Nov-12 21:53:24

Evening all, another one here waiting for the dispatch from the loo!

hatesponge Mon 19-Nov-12 21:54:51

Yoga yes, finish this one Friday, start new one (about 500m from where I work now!) on Monday. I wish they would let me go earlier, but it's all v inter office politics hmm so won't happen, and I just have to sit doing nothing in the meantime!

Good luck to you on the job front btw, really hope something comes up for you soon smile

surprised to realise that although I don't see black Juliette

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 19-Nov-12 22:00:28

Juliette that is dreadful, I'm sorry you've had to deal with that sort of crap.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 22:05:57

juliette this is awful shock

lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 22:07:14

Another one here now hoping for a loo update and not finding one so I'll be hitting f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 an awful lot!

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 22:08:28

Juliette - I hope you don't take offence at this.
Please please please can we use the line 'purse my fanjo' in the next thread title? I think it's brilliant.

Along with giraffes in wheelchairs and updates from the loo

hatesponge Mon 19-Nov-12 22:08:31

Scatty your account of the bodybuilder's conversation is grin. You might be onto something with the listening service...I was going to say at least he's not talking about anything dodgy, but frankly that might even be preferable to tales of tractor pulling (unless that's some sort of euphemism...?)

Juliette that is awful. I find many men who OD are horribly judgmental and superficial.

World ask away! I'm taking a break from OD just because I think I need one, I've finally got my second date so can afford to rest on my laurels for a bit smile LC (the poshname boy) may come good, he may not, that remains to be seen. I can't really be bothered to look online at the mo though, I may well change my mind come the new year, but in the meantime I have a new job to start, and social stuff every weekend from now to Xmas. I intend to spend the next few weeks going out, fluttering my false eyelashes, and if I meet anyone then great, if not I will have a good time anyway smile

QuiteQuiet Mon 19-Nov-12 22:08:56

Oh I forgot one, the polish man.....

We set up Skype, he said 'you be here tomorrow at 8pm'

Me: Yeah why not....

Next evening I had a bath,put DS in the bath, put him to bed, wandered downstairs, possibly 9pmish, logged onto POF to see my message.

'you rude rude bitch, I have been waiting since 8pm on you' shock grin

Okay... sorry.

'that is not funny you should not say a time then not be here, I wait for hours'


I did actually meet one nice guy, no chemistry there though. Met another one, same again, he thought we should get married hmm Spoke to another onefor 8 months, moved onto texting/calling, went to see him, stayed over... was nice, he was back on site the next day, yeah slapper alert... it had been 22 months though, I felt used, he suggested we be FWBenefits what did I say 'yeah why not'...shock then had an over-think and sent him a message saying 'look stop texting me, I am not here to be used liar goodbye' He actually started boring me so much, he was sexting me... I was reading a magazine and sexting him lines out of Sylvia Days 'Bared by You'... I think he was impressed.

Didn't hear from him again until Friday, he is STILL there saying 'hi, hows you' Its just not cute anymore and I didn't really like him that much it was just a build up, of talking for 8 months and I morphed him into some sex god, he isn't.

Oh the American guy who wanted to 'hang out' he passed out drunk I took the £50 he gave me for parking in a disabled space and getting caught, ran away, jumped in my car, he phoned and phoned and phoned, I leant over to turn phone off, and yes I wrote my car off.

Hence taking a break from February until Friday. grin

I have 124 meet me's.... don't like one of them... I mean with a name like MUFFDIVER or a HEADLINE : I WANT SUM FUN ....meh!

I'm gong to Tesco's to find someone. grin


lubeybooby Mon 19-Nov-12 22:09:14

Just read back - oh dear god Juliette that is horrid shock

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:11:06

Oh well sponge just enjoy a quiet week then - since you're not OD, can you bring a good book to work? grin

Juliette maybe i'm naive but that's really shocking. And quite revolting. Why couldn't he have simply said, "I can't see us being anything other than friends."? There are lots of reasons why we don't fancy other people, some of them physical, but to specifically say it's because of your colour or religion is just....ugh. I'm sorry. I have to admit sometimes I little wary of telling men I meet that I'm Jewish. I'd be shocked if encountered any outright anti-semitism (although right at the moment maybe not so shocking) but I still worry that people will be put off or just not know what to make of it. I hate having to explain myself.

Scatty did I really advise you to enjoy the narcistic body builder? If I did, you should ignore me. He sounds dreadful.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 22:15:52

Awww hatesponge that actually sounds very positive. Don't want to jinx it, but seriously you might end up just meeting someone cause you're just out having a good time and you're not bothered, everytime I had that attitude all of the sudden men left and right were interested hmm

But the thing was, I really wasn't interested, wanted my peace and spend time with friends and somehow that then gives me a certain allure men can't resist, but when I'm looking and am on the hunt myself then it somehow doesn't work out sad, I think I am rubbish when it comes to that, which is why now I am thinking it either happens or it won't [shrugs]

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 22:19:25

I would find it very difficult not to take offence at what juliette had to deal with.

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:25:38

Quite You do seem to attract some real nobs interesting ones!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Nov-12 22:36:38

Hello all.

Been reading since the beginning and finally delurking to ask if anyone knows any free dating websites for the over 40's.

POF has scared the living daylights out of me - i've had nothing but liars and sex maniacs

I even met a man who listed himself as caucasion and was black when I turned up to meet him angry - it was the sheer dishonesty that infuriated me about him.

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 22:40:24

NotSuch - did you not see any pictures? That's pretty much a prerequisite before I'd even think of meeting someone. I've never heard of anyone trying to pull such a fast one though. Weight, yes. Height, yes - but race? That's just kind of ridiculous.

There are a bunch of niche sites for older daters, but most of the free ones have filters so you can only be contacted by people within your preferred age range I think

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Nov-12 22:45:28

bantam he did have pictures up - he was standing quite far away in the picture and could have just been suntanned.

also, he still lived with his ex-wife, sent texts after our date saying "i'm soaking darling" and spent the whole of the date moaning about the 02 network going down.

I could have fucking kicked him straight in the bollocks I really could.

Scattylatte Mon 19-Nov-12 22:47:06

He's a salesmanship (director, whatever that means. I've no interest in fancy job titles). I think he tries so hard to be super successful that he comes across a twit quite frankly. I've got 2 friends like that and one isn't that bad in RL which is why I'll probably meet twirler.

I do want an FWB so someone like that might be perfect as he won't notice much being so inward looking.
Knowing my luck he will spend the afternoon with me, talking about himself then tell me 'no spark'.
It really irks me when I get the no spark shite. Too much upper handedness. Walking date for instance: poor teeth, poor clothes (not fitting), didn't look like he made much effort. Me- good teeth, good effort, looking ok. He sent me 'no spark'. Ffs.

Juliette- I've come across so many men who are still watching Mind your language circa 1980 if anyone remembes it on here. Narrow minded twats.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 22:47:21

"i'm soaking darling" hmm. What did he mean by that?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Nov-12 22:51:27

i think he meant he was feeling horny after meeting me sad

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 22:54:06

ewww, so sort of wet in his pants grin

I think saying something like this suits a woman more, if there was lots of chemistry and all that going on blush

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 22:54:34

really? That's a strange way to put it.

Yogagirl17 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:57:05

NotSuch there was a guy I had a bit of a fling with a while back who used to say that. I found it a very strange thing for a man to say and found it really offputting! shockblush

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 22:59:13

Yep, offputting it is.

bantamrooster Mon 19-Nov-12 23:06:58

but 'I'm soaking darling' doesn't imply he's horny. It implies he suffers from premature ejaculation.

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 23:11:14

bantam grin

I am actually still trying to figure out how I would react to meeting someone who deliberately made false statements about his ethnicity race

Notsuch how did you react to this?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Nov-12 23:11:27

LOL at premature ejaculation! I wasn't gonna stick around to find out!

I've just been looking at a few over 40's websites and although they are free to join you have to pay to message people and i didn't want to do that.

The only ones getting anything from OD are the website owners.

Also, a lot of the men say they are looking for a relationship, but they don't actually put in the effort a relationship takes. they just have date after date after date! I think they expect the woman to do all the work and of course there are women around who will, just so that they can have a man in their lives.

Wickaninnish Mon 19-Nov-12 23:12:36

You might have touched on this subject before I started lurking but do any of you know anyone who has met their LT partner through OD?

My experiences have been dire and it appears that they are matched by many on this thread. So I keep asking myself why are we all doing this?

Are their good sites I just don't know about? Is it all a total waste of time or just a numbers game? How many frogs will it actually take?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Nov-12 23:16:10

Honestly the race thing was such a shock! It goes without saying of course that i'm not a racist, it was just the sheer cheek and dishonesty of a black man listing himself as caucasion - did he think i wouldn't notice when I met him.

Come to think of it, also went to meet a man in the bullring who said he was italian and was CLEARLY north african - right down to the fact that he came to meet me on the date having come straight from one of those "hooker" cafes - you know where they inhale that stuff coming out of funny pipes. I kept saying again and again "your middle eastern aren't you, not italian" and he kept denying it EVEN AS HE WAS SERVING ME LAMB WITH APRICOTS AND RICE WITH A CRUST (it was very nice)

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 23:17:14

I know someone who met a long term partner on a dating site for people who were into motor bikes..perhaps niche is the way to go for serious relationships?

Wickaninnish Mon 19-Nov-12 23:17:43

smile PE. I reckon OD has all of the 40% over 40 !!

mercury7 Mon 19-Nov-12 23:18:09

you mean hookah not hooker grin

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Nov-12 23:22:10

yeah hookah thats it grin - shame really as he was freakin cute! just can't cope with that level of dishonestly

worldcitizen Mon 19-Nov-12 23:24:02

Notsuch you have all the right to be pissed off. I mean what are these men thinking. Serioulsy, that is infuriating.
By the way, someone who is North African is NOT middle eastern, but that is beside the point, but had to get that one in grin

I still am gutted. I do know lots of men who try to pretend they are some nationality or ethnicity, but they are not. Some women get it and some don't. But unfortunately for some this seems to be a numbers game also.
Hoping for the woman to feel sorry for them...maybe something along those lines of well, it's hard for me to have women respond due to lots of prejudice etc.

Only men, who are dodgy would do something like that, I'd say.

And notsuch I would never think of someone as racist because she is livid about this behaviour. I think you have all the right in the world to be. I know I would.

purse my fanjo was meant to be purge my fanjo. Bantam by all means use it either way grin

Yoga You shouldn't have to explain yourself, it's also no one else's business. It wasn't my religion, worse it was an assumption that despite stating I was 'Christian but not serious about it' on the profile, because had a Muslim bf in the past I was likely to be Muslim too. Yes judging by colour, certainly not by culture angry

Notsuch how can you mistake black for suntanned. Just how suntanned was he? Light skinned black, mixed race, black black? There is no excuse for lying about it but maybe he got sick of people judging him by his colour hmm

As for the North African, there are lots of Italians of north african descent. They are still Italian just as black British or people are still British.

SweetSeraphim Mon 19-Nov-12 23:59:18

I met my dp on POF a couple of years ago. He is the kindest, sweetest, most gorgeous man you could ever hope to meet. If that cheers you up - more to the point, he's normal grin

Had to meet a fair few complete fuckwits first though!

Poppysquad Tue 20-Nov-12 00:12:49

Hi all. Update on 1/2 Italion Stallion. He's mailed and texted. Although I must admit that I started the dialogue. Slightly flirty - but saying he hopes that the kids will be at his wife's at the weekend so he might have more time and hinted that we might be able to meet up. The usual in depth analysis from me again.

Is he just keeping me dangling?

Poppysquad Tue 20-Nov-12 00:14:17

Wife? I meant exwife

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 00:17:38

Poppy - it's a tough call, we don't know him. The problem is that people tend to stay in their usual patterns - so if he's hot and cold now, if things continue with him then he'll be hot and cold later on.

Trying to juggle dating with having kids is difficult, we all know that, but 'hinting' that you might be able to meet up sounds like he's throwing a dog a bone. And you're not a dog. If you plan to do something else at the weekend because he hasn't made any invitations or offers, then suddenly he'll get very keen and act hurt that he's going to all this effort to make time for you.

And that means he'll continue to be a dick for ever.

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 00:27:58

I agree juliette, but whatever the reason, what does this say about him.
Also, Italy and Spain share a lot of history with North Africa and many North Africans look exactly like Sicilians and Andalucians and vice versa, there are also so many cultural similarities and lots more.
Also Tunisians for example have a rich history and are a mixture of various Mediterranean cultures...
BUT, in this poilitical climate full of prejudice and ignorance, I can see some men trying to go this route to "bag a woman" and again, I believe it doesn't say much in a positive way about them.

I also agree with you bantam about people tending to stay in their patterns.

But now I am off to bed, was nice to de-lurk for a day smile Good night all.

lubeybooby Tue 20-Nov-12 00:49:09

If his ex wife is unreliable then he might not have a choice but to keep you dangling Poppy

When my DD was younger I would often have to arrange dates on speculation about whether DD would be going to her dads or nans or neither, and had to let people down sometimes and/or drive them a bit mad being unable to nail down anything firmly til the day or before.

I go out for the evening and you guys skip ahead by about 3 pages...I think you're all having much more fun than me!

Erm, it was nice, very nice, lots of wine was drunk some level of nakedness may have been achieved I did try to post from the loo, but I took my bag and then realised my fone was in my coat pocket. Doh!

Currently on my way home in a taxi...he asked a few times when he could see me again, so we shall see!

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 07:23:40

Questions, nakedness???!! Must have been a good date then!

I know two people married with kids that met online. It can be done.

Saturday man is coming here for coffee Thursday. Eight pm. I'm taking this one slow (last guy I saw for four months we ripped each others clothes off on the first date) and he seems happy with that so no nakedness will occur here. But the third date is the important one to me - the one after work, where he sees my manic life (though kids will be asleep) etc.

Fingers crossed.

And poppy, know im new but I've read posts and tbh to quote someone else, he's not that into you. He likes the attention and the idea of a fuck. But he is not into you enough for anything more, or he would find a way.

Wickan - I know so many people who have done OD but only know of one marriage and one long-term long distance relationship. Aside from that, I know of no one who got beyond 5 or 6 dates (male or female) with one person. In most cases it is 1 or 2.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:05:46

Catching up, but did not make notes to make witty, insightful, or even mundane comment.

My Coffee was very good, the best Coffee IMO has a lot affection, chat (I am a chatty bint) and cuddles. Current FWB is pretty fab, good natured, kind, amusing and light hearted. It is cathartic and restorative and most importantly, lots of fun smile.

Action Man has been in touch, but just a one line message 'I haven't forgotten you at all'. Not much to go on. Don't think this will go anywhere, but who knows eh? (his nickname is due to profile being full of photos of him skiing, jumping out of planes, playing sport etc, although I am a very easy going girl, if he has no genitals (like the toy of the same name) it would be a deal breaker unfortunately grin)

On the plus side, in my RL I have a few parties, get togethers etc where men (available men) will be present. Time to roll out the FM (F**k Me) dress collection perhaps?

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:10:20

Morning - haven't caught up from last night yet but just a quick post to say lots of cute men in Starbucks this morning smile

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:20:00

Hi World Citizen smile I watched 'Patagonia', it was really lovely. Made me cry at the end, reminded me of my mum <bittersweet smile>.

Oh and lubey the looks like my kind of thing, I may give it a go in the new year. Thank you for mentioning it, it looks like a good way to expand social circle and create opportunities.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:23:09

Hey Yoga, you okay? ( Is that all Starbucks worldwide, or just your local Starbucks smile?)

I have my fingers crossed (daren't send any of my dodgy woo blush) for a job that will delight you winging it's way to you.

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:30:19

Damn, I dont think I have a fuck-me dress. Or FM shoes for that matter - is that where I'm going wrong? grin

WFF Coffee sounds fab u lucky girl envy

Poppy - cant remember, have u actually met in person yet? I'm not going to tell u not to see him but I do think it wld be good if u could be a bit more in control of the situation cause at the moment it sounds like he thinks he can just keep u dangling until he makes up his mind.

Juliette - it's not so much that people I meet expect me to explain myself, it's more that there's a lot of just plain ignorance around Judaism in the UK. Coming from NY, even after 14 years I sometimes find that hard to deal with. It's the blank stares when I say I don't celebrate Christmas - like I'd just said I didn't find puppies cute. hmm

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:35:28

Hi WFF - x posted! I'm ok I guess. Actually, no not really. The job thing is seriously getting me down. I feel like crying every time I go to the job centre.

As for Starbucks - I was referring to my local this morning. Not one of them paying me the slightest bit of attention but nice to look at. life is very sad!!

Yoga - I had a very good friend die on Xmas Eve many years ago when I was 18. As you can imagine, it was a lousy Christmas and for the next few years I didn't 'celebrate' at all but went through the motions for my parents on the day. People thought it most strange that I didn't want to celebrate Christmas. Not quite the same as you, but I can relate to the blank stares.

Incidentally, what is the male equivalent of fuck-me shoes???

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 09:42:42

A tux I suppose. Looks a bit out of place in Starbucks though smile

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:46:26

Voice - I'm so sorry about your friend. I think youll find a lot of people actually put on a brave face over the holidays for similar reasons.

For me, I certainly dont actively dislike Christmas, I think it's lovely. But the day itself is just kind of a non-day for me. We used to go to the cinema or out for Chinese food!

Let's see, male equivalent of FM shoes? G-star jeans? Superdry jacket? I don't know really just going by what 40yo XH suddenly started wearing when he was f***ing his little tart not that I'm still bitter or anything

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:48:17

Bant - can I politely suggest u seem to have a bit of a penguin fettish? You might want to speak to someone about that!

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:49:18

i dont think there is a male equivalent..these matters are not symetrical

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:52:51

or are there any male items of attire which cause an equivalent level of discomfort?

lulubellaboozle Tue 20-Nov-12 09:53:13

I have 2 friends who both met their husbands on and are both very happily married and know of one other friend of friend in a LTR through Match. From what they have said, they also met their fair share of fuckmuppets beforehand though. promise I don't work for Match!

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:53:17

Yoga, you are doing everything right (I know, that you know that), just keep doing it a little bit longer.

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:54:45

i dont do xmas either..just because it's a pain in the a$$

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:57:12

My dresses are very comfortable, the idea is to produce a level of discomfort for the man/men looking at me wink. Hahaha!

Nothing too extreme, to pique interest, just creating opportunities.

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 09:58:34


Oh and I know an absolutely lovely couple who met on line and recently married (only I'm not supposed to know that's how they met!). They've both had a rough time in the past and are two if the nicest people I've ever met

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 09:59:11

Morning mercury

I usually try and to out to work at somepoint on Xmas day. Can't bear the eating and sitting around. Otherwise a big walk in local woods.

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:43

Awww warmfuzzy you remembered my pm. That's lovely. Glad you liked the film. I also cried at the end.

Oh yoga you*re from NYsmile. I've spent quite some time in Ann Arbor, MI. Am a Wolverine myself grin

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:15:04

Wff I was thinking of shoes (in terms of discomfort) rather than dresses.
The problem is that sexually alluring dresses only really look right with painful shoes, and although I think those shoes look good I just cant bear to wear them.

Re xmas, I just dont do it, dont mark it in any way, the hole shebang just gets on my t!ts..I think the gym is closed so I'll prob make it a rest day and just do some yoga

OhWesternWind Tue 20-Nov-12 10:16:32

I think I need to invest in a couple of dresses!

Hello everyone. I'm not doing very well at keeping up with everything so sorry for not replying. It's all moving very quickly at the moment . . . Hope things are looking up on the job front for those of you that need it (*Bant, Yoga, Snape*) and your house stuff works out (*Watch*). Fingers crossed for you all.

Well it's the Big Op tomorrow - feeling really nervous on his behalf. Went over to see him last night and ended up just talking - again. I am putting this down to a) stress about the operation and b) having his dcs over (which they have been the last two times) - they do wake up and wander around so I've ended up "meeting" them after a fashion, so I can understand how it's a bit off-putting and tbh I wouldn't be doing anything with children liable to appear in the doorway - but it's getting a little frustrating especially as he's now going to be out of action for a while post-hospital. Oh well. Don't think he's going off me or anything, lots of talk again about things we're going to do in the future, so I'm hoping it will all sort out in a couple of weeks. Or am I being a bit naive here?

Poppy - I don't think that making tentative arrangements is too much of a problem if there are potentially childcare issues - but aren't his children teenagers and so able to be left for a couple of hours? Or is his point that if he has the children at his then he wants to spend time with them and so isn't available? I'm not sure what to advise here at all, but I think if I were you then I might rein things in a little, leave the ball in his court and see what happens. And maybe get yourself online to find a couple of back-up options just in case . . .

Collective chins up, chests out and face the world with a smile.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 10:30:50

mercury, I never wear uncomfortable shoes. Flats or boots aka 'the kids cast offs'

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:35:58

same here Wff wink
but is it not the case that only vertiginously high heels qualify as 'fuck-me' shoes?

I guess a fuck-me dress is going to be some combo of short, tight, revealing but it'll not really work unless combined with the fm shoes?

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 10:50:36

I have a slightly chuffed smile on my face this morning. I got winked at by a faceless person on match yesterday, and sent a fairly pro-forma email saying 'hi, thanks for the wink, always flattering but I don't know what you look like'

I only do that for profiles which sound interesting, nearby, my age range and they've actually been bothered to fill in the headline and profile text - if they just leave it blank then they're obviously not bothered.

Of course men generally get a lot fewer winks than women, we're meant to do the chasing on these sites, which is very old fashioned but is the way of things.

Then this morning she put up some pictures and she looks lovely. A cute intelligent girl fancies me. Aww. I'm all happy.

Of course it will come to nothing, but it's better than the other woman who's winked at me 3 times in the last 24 hours, who is really quite remarkably unattractive.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 10:52:49

I can't walk in high heels.

I wear (bodycon, hourglass 40s/50s inspired) dresses which are fine with flats. Or boots.

I am relatively tall so don't really need the extra height that heels give. Also as a big walker I have worn one of my FM dresses and walking boots (mad Fuzzy) on a date. He was chuffed, we didn't walk very farwink

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 10:54:50

Morning Bantsmile How are you?

She sounds promising. Keep us posted.

Any news on job situation?

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 11:00:21

Why of course? bantam Does she live too far away?

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:02:18

hmm, i still think heels are required for the full femme fatale?

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 11:05:49

mercury No one has complained yetgrin

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 11:13:01

I'd say any shoe or heel you would have a beautiful foot in and you could walk very well with...

Personally, I cannot stand plateau heels, I find them sooooooo ugly and not femme fatale at all. Now shoot me grin

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Tue 20-Nov-12 11:19:56

OWW Have to ask as I'm not sure of finer details. How long have you be seeing your guy and have you actually already slept together? Just from what I have read you sound very invested. I don't think you are being naive and I appreciate he is having a dreadful time. I think you may need to be careful you don't end up fretting and worrying constantly over this man though. Remember talking about the future means bugger all really. You have to judge someone's behaviour on how they are acting towards you in the here and now. Talks cheap after all. I hope the op goes well though. Fingers crossed for you.

Bant That sounds promising. Send her a nice message.grin

I feel very meh today. last night I went to a gig with some friends, including my friend who 2 months ago I bit the bullet with and told him that I had feelings for him. His response was to tell me he had been secretly seeing a girl for a couple of months <<kills self>> Anyway, last night he came round my flat before we went to meet the others and announced after about 10 minutes that he 'thinks' it's all over between them. I've never struggled more to keep a straight face as I GENUINELY wasn't expecting to hear it. I managed very well though and told him I was sorry to hear that (yeah, right!) He then tried to start telling me about how 'Schizophrenic' she is. So I just told him this is what happens when you rush into things with people you don't know and then I changed the subject.

Now I don't know how to feel. Is he being a bit of a twat here? He knows how I feel about him because I couldn't hide my devastation when I found out about the other girl in the first place. I've been working really hard on putting my feelings behind me and now he pops round and tells me that! Surely I'm the last person he should be telling in the circumstances? If it was me I wouldn't say anything, especially not so quickly. I would be really wary if further hurting the feelings of someone whose feelings I'd already (inadvertently) hurt.

Sorry for the ramble. I just don't know what to think. It's a bit of a headfuck to be honest.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 11:20:47

world we are cut from the same cloth.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 11:23:56

milk hi, you have nailed it he is a 'headfuck'. Why tell you? What does he want from you?

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 11:31:18

Remember talking about the future means bugger all really. You have to judge someone's behaviour on how they are acting towards you in the here and now. Talks cheap after all.

Milk I would totally agree with this, and I would try not to see it as much as cheap and rather let the man have his sweet talk as much as he likes, but it's up to me what I make of it, while I'm enjoying ha ha grin

And yes, I think it is not just a bit of a headfuck. It's a big one, to be honest.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Tue 20-Nov-12 11:33:34

warm I honestly, literally have no idea why he told me. It was one of the first bits of information out of his mouth ( I haven't seen him since my oh so dignified confession) Perhaps he was expecting me to drop to one knee and get a diamond ring out of my pocket in gratitude? Or maybe he just thinks that 'mates' tell each other these things? Which yes, they do, normally. Under the circumstances though a bit more sensitivity to my feelings is surely not too much to ask? It's barely 3 days since he was posting on FB about how in love he was and now she's crazy? I think he's just in love with the idea of love tbh. I expect to hear their engagement announced within the fortnight! I'm not getting dragged into some ridiculous mind game scenario. Which is what he's basically doing, inadvertently or not. It's just not acceptable behaviour! angry

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 11:42:38

citizen - no she actually lives nearby, is intelligent, attractive and describes herself as funny - although that has yet to be proven. It's just that of the hundred or so women I've mailed over the course of 4 months of OD, each one individually written, I've chatted to a small proportion of them, lets say one third. Of those, I've met with one third. Of those I've had a second date with one third again.

That's three second dates, no third dates, from mailing one hundred women. The statistics do not look good for me smile So I'm not getting overly optimistic, we'll just see how we go. The fact she winked at me first is a good sign

Milk - it seems like a bit of a shitty thing for him to do, tell you things are breaking down with his current gf when you've told him you like him. But maybe he didn't get it, maybe he's too self absorbed. One thing I read somewhere was slagging off other women and exes is a red flag, so calling her schizophrenic may not be a good sign. It looks like he wants a convenient shoulder to cry on

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:50:04

milk he's prob just trying to stay in control and put himself in a position to pull the strings

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Tue 20-Nov-12 11:51:51

I still think you should mail her bant Yes the odds are always stacked against us but we should always persevere. Who knows, she could be the lady to break the pattern? grin

Yes he is self-absorbed but at the same time he is usually quite sensitive to peoples feelings. Also a very private person so it's really out of character for him. I was quite taken aback to hear him describe her the way he did. He normally looks for the good in everyone, even when they are total twats.

But yeah, all that "She's crazy" stuff always grinds my gears. That is why I changed to subject asap. He can go dampen somebody else's shoulder. Mine is strictly off limits!

SkaffenAmtiskaw Tue 20-Nov-12 11:51:52

Milk, forgive my cynicism, but I think he's hoping to be able to take advantage of your feelings and get you into bed. I might be wrong but that's the first thing I though on reading what happened. sad

As for me I have a lunchtime date arranged for Monday with Mr RealAle. It would have been earlier if I didn't have a dreadful cold. I hope I am better by Monday: sneezing and a red, dripping nose are not exactly attractive!

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 11:52:17

I see bantam. Just go with the flow and not having too much expectation is generally a good thing, I think.

I belive that there are not many out there who truly match/fit for a LTR/marriage kind of relationship, so when it fits I'd count my blessings.

But on the other hand, lots of folks out there I have chemistry and spark with, at least plenty to have ONS or FWB or some other sort of romantic fling, also enjoy as long it is possible grin

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 11:57:58

Oh and now I looked in a bit more detail, she winked at me yesterday and I sent her the 'can I see a photo' mail, she put a photo up this morning and I sent her a 'hello' email.

But she hasn't looked at my profile. She's winked without reading my profile at all - so it means nothing apart from that I wasn't obviously ugly in my main picture. She may not have read my mail, I can't tell (got to pay extra for that) and she could have just winked at every picture of every guy in a 20 mile radius, then she'll look through the mails that she gets. Dunno.

Ah well, not holding my breath. Date with the psychotherapist tomorrow.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 12:00:01

'But on the other hand, lots of folks out there I have chemistry and spark with, at least plenty to have ONS or FWB or some other sort of romantic fling, also enjoy as long it is possible' world you know how it

Pixiebelle123 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:04:53

Western keeping everything crossed op goes well tomorrow. He's probably quite stressed about it all so I would give it a couple of days and then try talking to him.

Milk sounds to me he is after an ego boost by confiding in you, be careful.

Bantam perseverance is key my friend and we all know how you feel.

As for me, I'm meeting dishy doc in London next Friday for dinner and drinks, I'm so excited! It does show on my profile that I have children but I haven't written about it in the about me section. I'm just hoping he's read my profile properly.

I'm knackered today, had a blazing 2 hr row on the phone with ex last night and couldn't sleep afterwards.

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 12:16:18

warm grin

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 12:17:49

Pixie if it's on your profile, I think it's sufficient. I for one cannot stand too much talk about children on their.

worldcitizen Tue 20-Nov-12 12:28:44

on there (the profile) I meant to write... can't you tell I am not a native speaker blush

smoothieooo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:31:28

Hi all - it's taken bloody ages to catch up with where everyone is at!

I had date 2 on Sunday - lots of hand-holdy walking in Shoreditch, some wine (although was a little more abstemious then last week) and lots of snogging (had a bit of chin rash from his stubble and was told to get a room by a passer by) blush

So. Date 3 arranged for this weekend where he is going to drive down to N. London from Cambridge, pick me up and whisk me back there (kids will be with ex-SIL). A certain other Cambridge-based man (cheers Bantam ) has given me a list of potential places to go but I'm not sure I'll get to any of them. I'm thinking Coffee and lots of it <3rd date slut>

The last time I had Coffee with a new man was 17 years ago.

OhWesternWind Tue 20-Nov-12 12:33:41

Thanks Pixie and Milk - yes, he's very stressed, problem is if the "lump" has spread iyswim which will find out shortly when he has the op. So potentially really serious stuff hence being a bit worried about it.

Milk - I've been seeing him a couple of months now so still early days although I've seen quite a lot of him over this time, basically whenever children/other commitments permit. We have had wonderful Coffee but this has been limited due to opportunity ie finding a child-free house to be able to do it in. I have my children 24/7 and he has his 50:50 - we wanted to see each other and I knew he would have the children, which is fine, it's not just about sex, but damn it gets frustrating!! Don't really want to make an issue of it at the moment so it's probably going to be a see-what-happens thing when we next get the opportunity. I do like the cuddling and talking stuff too, don't get me wrong, it feels very comfortable and natural. But I want a damn good seeing to

Ho hum.

WRT the one breaking up with his gf, I don't think it's right for him to be saying stuff like that to you when he knows how you feel/felt. Is he trying to line you up? And if he is, how do you feel about it?

Bant - I wouldn't worry about it really. If you get chatting and get on okay, it doesn't really matter.

smoothieooo Tue 20-Nov-12 12:46:15

Sorry Western and I do hope everything will be alright with the op. I read everyone's posts then just posted my stuff in a very me-me-me way. And while I'm at it, Yoga - I hope things improve on the job front, Watch - I hope things come through with the house, Milk - good news but tread carefully? Bantam - good luck with your pyscho(therapist) date and Pixie - I hope your doctor date goes well. Apologies to anyone I missed (just wanted to let you all know that I'm not completely self-absorbed)!! grin

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 12:57:47

smoothie Date no3 sounds promising!

Western Really hoping for good news for you. xx

Wonder if Kirsty has had her "pre-date" before the date yet?

KirstyWirsty Tue 20-Nov-12 13:13:43

Hi yoga the pre date before the 'big date on Thursday ' with theAuditor is tonight .. Just popped out at lunchtime and bought a pair of jeans (size 10 .. Thanks to the divorce diet grin ) and top to wear

Also texting lovely submariner .. Can't see him till 5/12 though which is a real pity .. Hope I am not building him up to much in my head .. He comes across as funny, considerate and eloquent by text ..

Just lost a big post for the second time which went something like

Western good luck to him for tomorrow, he will be having all sorts of emotions which don't necessarily work with Coffee

Poppy if a man wants to see you, he will find a way

Bantam your statistics really bring it home how random OD is for all of us

Milk total headfuck, yes keep your shoulders dry!

and I have the date with the older doctor who seems full of himself Thursday evening. I'm hoping he was just nervous on the phone, we'll see. I wanted to keep it to coffee but as it's in the evening and he is coming from a distance it makes it more difficult to leave if necessary.

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 13:42:15

Juliette - if you need to leave, just leave. If you've arranged to meet for coffee then you decide whether to have a second or third or tenth cup of the stuff and keep the conversation going. You don't have to feel obligated to hang around and prolong the agony if it goes badly simply because he traveled to see you.

You've arranged to meet for coffee for an hour or whatever, when the hour is up, you say lovely meeting you, have to go, even if you don't. No guilt.

OhWesternWind Tue 20-Nov-12 13:44:55

Good luck Kirsty and Juliette with your dates/pre-dates. Hope the doctor's okay and not too much like hard work. How much older is he?

Bantam I shall have your words echoing in my ears. He is new to OD so is still at the stage where he thinks meeting is a date, date. I have told when we spoke that rather than have a lot of mailing, I usually meet someone for coffee soonish, to see if we would like to go out on a date. I think he has not listened so have a sense of foreboding or maybe this is because the last time I had an actual meet up the guy who was a similar age decided to take rejection badly and basically assaulted me (forced his mouth on mine and held on so I couldn't push him off). It really disturbed me. Oh fuck.

OhWesternWind Tue 20-Nov-12 14:48:09

Juliette, if you're having misgivings like this about meeting him, then please don't go. Just make an excuse and then block him. Really - you don't owe him anything at all and if you are not comfortable with meeting up, you really shouldn't.

Western he is only 6 years older but I've never had a relationship with anyone who was older than me and at my age this counts . I've gradually closed the gap over a few years but the closest I've got to my age was my last bf who was only 3 years younger than me and the most recent man I saw for a couple of months with who was 10 years younger.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 14:52:01

Juliette that is a horrible thing to happen to you.

I would be very clear with this chap you are potentially meeting exactly how long you have decided to spend meeting him. Or if you don't want to, as OWW said don't go.

A little bit of communication now can avoid problems later.

Crossed posts Western. I think I've been thrown by the last date incident, not sure how much is that and how much is my radar telling me. My radar was spot on with the last one. He even let slip he had control issues with his previous partners and he knew I'd sussed him and that's why he did it.

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 14:59:21

Juliet - I agree, if you have misgivings about this guy then cancel. And also I'd say smile nicely at the end of the date, shake hands and don't reject them until you're on the way home or later. No one likes to be told that you don't like them in person (although forcing a kiss on you makes him a lower form of life IMO) so just be apologetic 'oh is that the time, I've really got to rush off, my very large brother is expecting me home, sorry it's been lovely, I'll text you?' and offer a handshake

That way he's not going to force the issue to get a kiss rather than nothing, hopefully, he'll hope he's impressed you enough to get a second date. And when you're out of there, then you dump him remotely. Politely, but remotely.

Also if you're in a public place and you get a bad feeling, then tell a waitress or waiter - ask if there's a back door if needs be. Just be safe, okay?

You don't owe the man anything. Nothing. If you want to leave early then leave. If he buys your drink you owe him nothing. If he buys you a meal you owe him nothing. If he drives across the country to see you, you owe him nothing. Politeness, yes, but if you need to go, then go.

WarmFuzzy yes he was an arse.

I was also thinking along the lines of re stating my intentions, and it would make me more comfortable and put me back in control. Anyone got a suggested text script? This is where I come unstuck.

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 15:19:30

How about something like 'Just checking you're still able to make tonight - As I said I'll only be able to meet for an hour or so though as I've got a slight family situation - hopefully that should be long enough for us to get to know each other a bit'

You don't have to elaborate on the family situation. You could change it to 'babysitter' situation assuming he knows you have kids (you do have DC I presume?)

But the most important thing here is cancel if you need to cancel. Make sure someone is set to call you 15 mins or so after the date starts, or set an alarm on your phone which sounds like a text message. Send a safety text to someone. If you feel uncomfortable tell a member of staff.

Oh look at me getting all mother-hennish.

Bantam you are right of course. Good point about not giving the impression I don't like him, it was tricky with the last one though as he kept trying to hold my hand and I would avoid it and then he kept telling me stuff and ask for validation. It was clear I wasn't into him and I made the mistake of not condoning some things. I did the 'lovely to meet you, must go now' when he insisted on walking me to the station. It was in the actual tube station, in full glare of the concourse that he did it. He was a defence lawyer for very serious cases so I think he knew what he was doing and reckoned on me not reacting.

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 15:29:05

What a tosser. Hopefully the bloke tonight (?) will be lovely though

Bantam that's a very good script, I will send that, thank you. My DC is now an older teen but family stuff comes up just as often. I'm also going to consider cancelling. I don't have concerns for my physical safety as meeting in Covent Garden and will wear flat boots, its more of an uneasiness that I can't express. Mother-hennish isuits you grin

It's Thursday night so I have time to sort myself out

That sounded a bit Carry On Dating rude blush.

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 15:37:43

now you mention it, it did smile

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 15:45:11

Oh for those of you who remember my romantic liaison with Erica the obvious scammer - the gymnastic dentist - she actually did respond to my gibberish email to

highlights of the message from her were:

"I the brown-haired woman! You like such hair colour?
Colour of eyes green. At me very mysterious and an inviting look. I hope you it will see =)...My growth makes 170 centimetres and weight of 58 kg. And what your parametres?

I watch the figure. I do not eat that superfluous and a lot of high-calorie, but I love it is tasty and nourishingly to eat =)...Especially I like to walk simply! =)
I like to go on the nature, to fry a barbecue.
My favourite colour red....

for me it is unacceptable and intolerant if someone asks naked photos! I cease to communicate at once with such people!
For me low even to talk about it! I hope that you have understood me and will not play with me asking naked photos!
I search serious relations and love!"

I really CBA to send a multi-translated reply back. Maybe I'll get round to it. But the fact that she took my 'multiplication is much better than the beatings!..Yours with infinite passion and a credit card!' email seriously just leads me to think it's a waste of time.

humph. Scammers these days. They don't even try.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 16:11:56

grin nowadays bant even the Scammers sare half arsed as my daughter says

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 20-Nov-12 16:12:43

ahemblush are

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 16:48:08

Juliette last date sounds awful, I hope Thursdays is respectful even if he turns out to be a dud! Sounds like Bantam's given you some good advice.

And Bantam, Erica sounds such fun, are you not tempted to reply one more time? Especially if you really went to all the trouble of setting up that email address! How funny. (I'd say ask her if she'll send you a photo of just one boob but she might and then I'd feel bad for encouraging such behaviour!)

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 17:00:25

I always avoid telling the bloke during the date that I dont want to do it again, if he's pushy or tries to put me on the spot I'll just agree and then cancel by text later.
I've found that offering me a lift home is very common, I always refuse even if I think I'll want to see him again I need a bit of time to think it over and process things.
I sometimes think these guys recon I'll be overcome with lust if I could only be persuaded to GET IN THE CAR
has he sprayed some sort of hormone in there?? confused

Dominobasset Tue 20-Nov-12 17:26:11

...Can I join the party? I have been following the threads whizzing by for a few weeks, whilst dipping my toe in OD. Thanks to the many words of wisdom on these threads I have not been surprised by any of the inbox so far -but no cock pics to date- where could I be going wrongwink??.
This morning’s mildly entertaining exchange went as follows:
Him: Hi, what are you seeking ? (this was sent a few weeks ago when I was lurking unsubscribed on Match..have just bitten the bullet and paid up so can now access the messages)
Me: Belatedly responding to messages received before I subscribed (hey, what’s 7 weeks..)- you’ve probably forgotten you messaged me, but I thought it was only polite to reply. Don’t know if my profile answers your question from the dim and distant past?
Him: Lol. I don’t think it does but thankyou anyway. I am more direct- seeking a passionate lover- is that something you would consider?
Me: Direct is fine. Starting a message with “lol” is most definitely a dealbreaker for me
Him: I am sorry to hear that. Is that game over?
Me: Yep
Him: Don’t you mean yes? Isn’t yep a made up word also?
Me: Yep is emphatic
Him: Phew. Heartache avoided.
How could I resist that delightful direct approach...confused grin

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 17:36:43

This thread is making me laugh but also making me dread OD...

I live in such a small town the chances if meeting anyone are remote and I have 4yo DD so thought give OD a go, but it's so depressing.

Match man who rejected me due to size looked st my profile yesterday and today. Why, if I'm not for him :-/?

I did amend my profile a bit to say I don't judge a book by its cover.....

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 17:38:51

Domino, that's what I love about od tbh, the banter on mails like that - you wouldn't know someone lols if you met them in a bar!!

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 17:42:37

Lol always puts me off people, but you're right. If you met someone funny and interesting and attractive in real life you wouldn't know or possibly care if they lolled or not until you were mailing and texting at which point it wouldn't put you off the fact you'd seen that twinkle in their eye, or nice grin, or whatever.

We're all sooo shallow. Lol.

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 17:48:34

I can't stand lol. I could not date someone who lolled me. Ever. Lol is a dealbreaker all round!!

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 17:56:37

i'm fine with lol..i mean i've come across so much worse than lol grin

KirstyWirsty Tue 20-Nov-12 18:08:43

I don't mind lol .. However one of my friends regularly uses gorjis and that makes me want to delete her number and never speak to her again !!

lulubellaboozle Tue 20-Nov-12 18:10:21

I went on a couple of dates with a guy who kept saying or texting 'for sure' instead of plain 'yes' and referred to himself as 'this boy' as in 'this boy is tired out and off to bed' instead of I'm. It grated the first time and every time after!! it was doomed!!

lulubellaboozle Tue 20-Nov-12 18:12:46

Mind you he was the guy who took his profile off Match after one date declared himself to have found the one! and after the second date told me there was no chemistry!

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 18:18:14

Oh dear, I use lol all the time. Does this mean that I will never pull?

It's the only one I use...

LMFAO grin

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 18:43:03

I like IJSML. It has a certain honesty.

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 18:59:50

Oh LOL, haven't heard that one but guessing what it means.....,

Ok, question for you seasoned dusters. If somebody looks at my profile but doesn't get in touch, I would presume that they weren't interested and I wouldn't contact them. ??, because you don't know what they are looking for until you read their profile, and you get told everyone who looks at your profile...

I've not contacted anybody yet, I wait for them to contact me (lack if confidence)...

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 19:00:22

Daters not dusters..... Stupid iPhone..,.

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:14:39

Ha! Caught you Bantam. Knew you could do it. wink

Kirsty how was your amuse bouche?

I have no dates lined up at the moment and can't be bothered looking. No doubt by the weekend i will be bored again.

hatesponge Tue 20-Nov-12 19:23:07

I don't bother contacting men who look at my profile but don't send a message - I assume either they have read something they didn't like, or had a better look at my photos and had second thoughts!

Skye are you on Match? (sorry I can't remember which sites people are on blush) I found that easier, I used to just wink at loads a few I liked the look of, and see what happened - some would then send a message, others would wink, which I would take as a green light blush and send a message myself. On occasion I did send the first message myself, I was worried I might get a horrible reply but tbh I never did, even when sending the first msg on POF.

(I did get lots of nasty messages on POF, but never when I made first contact)

I'd send a few messages if I were you, or at least a few winks. See what happens, you may be pleasantly surprised smile

hatesponge Tue 20-Nov-12 19:26:55

and to stick my 2p's worth in:

lol is perfectly acceptable. As are emoticons smile

I wince at yep and hiya, can't abide LMAO/LMFAO, and stuff like hunnie and gawjus make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork.

A v v senior manager at work who is also a complete knob signs his emails 'cheerz' .


With a z.


antonym Tue 20-Nov-12 19:39:39

Dominobasset I think you both come out of that exchange very well for literacy, good manners and sense of humour. Are you sure one lol condemns him for ever? It's not in the same league as a cockshot, surely ...

MyLittleMiracles Tue 20-Nov-12 19:45:46

I use LOL occasionally....... ok more than occassionally, but text talk is fine for me, like brb, but not bbe, if you want to call me babe, call me babe not bbe?

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 19:54:00

I only really use LOL, nothing else and I always type words in full. I think I use lol a lot because I'm quite sarcastic, so want friends to know that I really am joking! Lol. But its definitely overused.

Yes it's Match that I am on , and POF, but Match mainly.

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:58:24

I use textspeak to some degree but only when texting or posting from my phone because the typing can be a pain (especially when posting to MN from my phone because the MN app doesn't let you flip the keyboard sideways).

I have decided that the phrase "I take pride in my appearance" in a profile translates as "I'm vain, go to the gym a lot, expect you to admire my 6-pack and will only date someone equally toned and tanned --and vapid--".

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:05:32

oops, strikethrough fail. Gingerbread boy has reappeared. CRBA.

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 20:26:46

third person references are a bit annoying, I've had 'and how's mercury today'
also men younger than me calling me 'young lady' (I'm mid 40's)
couple of younger guys addressing me as 'hello trouble'
wtf??? confused

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 20:29:10

mercury I got addressed as "miss" the other day.


I like LOL. It's better than "haha" which just sounds forced.

Embrace it bantam

lulubellaboozle Tue 20-Nov-12 20:32:39

My friend who met her husband on Match, saw that he had viewed her profile but hadn't contacted her. She says that she got very little approaches on Match so she always contacted people who had viewed her profile who she liked the look of. It turned out that she had said she preferred a minimum height of 5ft 11 and as he was 5ft 10 he hadn't bothered to wink or message. Once they established that one inch wasn't a deal breaker (!) they met up and the rest is history!

Altogether now .... aahhhhhh smile

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 20:34:49

I do 'ha' and 'heh' , that's enough surely. Ha means a short bark of laughter. Heh is an amused small chuckle. Ha! means I thought it was very funny indeed.

hatesponge Tue 20-Nov-12 20:45:19

I do haha. I have a friend who writes heh heh in texts which annoys me for some reason!

PFWB likes to call me Miss. Which rather amuses me as he is several 17 years my junior grin

bantamrooster Tue 20-Nov-12 20:46:28

But the point is. I don't mind lol in a chat so much, or an email. If I'm being funny then it's nice to know I'm amusing the person, although I'd prefer to see a smiley face over a lol. But it's when people put it in their profile. They're writing something about themselves which is just so unexpectedly witty they make themselves laugh out loud.

And if I see 'my name is Karen. I love going out with my mates. Lol!' I immediately think 'giggling moron' and move on.

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 20:46:33

lulu aw. Cute. sickeningly happy and cute couples envy

Oh I see. So what is "meh" then? A sort of non committal noise?

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 20:49:33

Maybe she's laughing at the cliché? everyone does that I used to

Never put lol in my profile though. I get twitchy reading the cringey lines people have as headlines. And I hate people with lists of requirements. Eg

"Must be tall, dark, 125lbs, green eyes, Taurus, and love Nandos"


mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:03:17

I try and adjust a bit to peoples messaging styles, but sometimes you just feel there is no middle ground!

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 21:03:30

I use he he. So cant really moan about lol. But its an ongoing joke with my FB friends that I hate LOL.

So think Saturday date is ringing me tonight - hes currently playing football - after texting last couple of days. Had to apologise earlier after my not so witty jokey banter text was taken the wrong way - but guessing its just as you get used to each others humour? And wasnt anything serious.

I do like this guy, just not sure about it. I think last one raised my hopes a little - it was shit in the end, but the beginning was one of those few weeks of hitting it off from moment 1. Saturday date obviously went well too (not many people I can sit in a pub for 7 hours with when just drinking coke) but cant help but look for holes in it all? I'm being picky I think, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the guy - think Im just bracing myself for it all going wrong. Ive been honest with him though and told him I want to take it slow etc and hes been very accepting of that - only put his arm round me in the cold and kissed my cheek Saturday and asked before he kissed me Sunday.

and he is good looking. if you squint he is a mix of guy from jackass mixed with guy from take that

lulubellaboozle Tue 20-Nov-12 21:04:48

I like meh!! It's one of those words that sounds like their meaning like woof or pop - onomatopoeia confused I think?!

Love a lol and a hehe too, but context is everything, fine in a witty exchange, not in a profile! Oh what a fussy lot!

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 21:05:12

I used to be picky about height. said nothing under 5ft 10 (im 5ft 4 and have always always dated guys over 6ft)

however last two guys have been 5ft 7. and ok.

guy who reckoned he was 5ft 8 but barely taller than me I dated once clearly had been lying to himself. wonder if he lied about inches elsewhere too.......

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 21:07:11

and joining in with gawjus making me want to scratch out my eyeballs. That and using "dat" instead of that.

hatesponge Tue 20-Nov-12 21:15:05

I prefer men over 5' 10. Mainly because I am 5' 6 and wear very high heels, so any less than that and I will be taller than them, which I prefer not to be.

Also all the men I have dated who've been less than 5' 10 have all been complete tossers.

Mind you come to that, the majority of those over 5' 10 have been as well...!

lubeybooby Tue 20-Nov-12 21:17:23

BC just rang me. He's accepted the HK job ... and is leaving December 1st. sad Had a big talk and yet again I was right, there was something wrong, it was that he'd made the choice that he knows is the definite end of us, knew it was much sooner than we'd orginally though and going so far away, and didn't know how to tell me. I asked when will he learn that I'm not daft? and know when something is wrong? And that I'd guessed this is what it was anyway...


We are going to meet up one last time and have a more fitting goodbye than a hug outside starbucks which was last time I saw him! So glad about that at least anyway...

Then on with the plan I had the other day of just dating myself wink

mercury7 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:18:25

I'm no so fussed about height but I dont like slight, he needs to be able to beat me in an arm wrestlegrin

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:21:21

Aw lubey I'm sorry, but sounds like you knew where things were heading anyway. You've got good instincts. And a good plan lined up as well!

hatesponge Tue 20-Nov-12 21:22:13

Oh Lubey that's really sad I hate it when men do that thing of just clamming up and saying nothing when if they just came out with it, it would be so much easier all round. Glad that you get to say goodbye one last time though smile

I did see your previous post about dating yourself though and (to use DS2's favourite word) I thought it was an awesome idea grin

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 21:22:16

Lubey I stuff my face with many more biscuits and I will be dating myself. Nerves. Darn them.

sorry to hear about BC sad

I cant do slight or skinny either. But equally I cant do chubby. Averagey.

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:23:53

Hmm, I'll date someone my own height (5'10") but am generally partial to a guy 5 inches so I can wear huge heels a little taller.

I have dated a guy shorter than me he was a tosser and it's kindof put me off.

Aah just broke and did a POF search. Cute guy in my area. 75% chance he'll know the other guy I'm dating. Brilliant. hmm

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:24:35

Lubey I'm sorry. Are you in need of emergency chocolate?

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:25:53

I just received a message that says "I notice you looked at my profile but didn't send a message. Is it because I'm tall and muscly and that scares you?"

His profile says "No offence to any one but if you arent looking after yourself please dont bother to contact me,I know you might be a nice person but I am Shallow."

So I'm tempted to reply "No, tall and muscly doesn't scare me, it's vain, arrogant and shallow that puts me off!"

Should I?

domesticgodless Tue 20-Nov-12 21:26:35

May I join please v late in the thread?

Newly single (very.... horrible ex just dropped me like a hot, er, cake) but things had been on/off for a while and I'd been dabbling on the free sites.

I'd been on PoF before but can't face it again :/

I've got a date sort of lined up for next week with a film studies professor from OKC (anyone been out with him yet??) who is at least interesting. A lot of it is I just want to meet people and chat cos I am lonely, sad eh smile

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:29:47

Oh I would Yoga grin

Welcome domestic

domesticgodless Tue 20-Nov-12 21:30:06

classy set of messages for my first day... man with blurry pic of one eye (= married obv)... no.

From man with sideburns posing on sports car: 'Not sure if you're my type but it would be nice having a drink with you.' oh cheers!! nope.

Gawd I forgot how funny/depressing it is!!

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:31:29

Or something quite scathing.

His profile is _rude_!

So something like "no, I just prefer to avoid men who advertise their arrogance. And shallow = unattractive."

having a bad day of sorts

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Tue 20-Nov-12 21:33:21

lubey I think your idea for dating yourself is an excellent one. Perhaps we could also have 'platonic dating' where those who wish to can meet up for a few hours, boost each others egos, have a drink and then depart? No need for an afterwards "No spark" text because we all know we are amazing.grin

I have just finalised my plans for 2nd date with man boy on Thursday. He is taking me to the cinema which I find rather sweet. It's better than the usual take me to the pub & try to get me drunk then laid approach that most of them go for. angry

At least it will take my mind off the "I've nearly spilt up with my girlfriend" headfuck my friend I am besotted with landed on me last night. Man boy is at least 60% hotter as well. I might just bring him home and screw his brains out actually. The Milk&Wine boudoir has seen no action for a good few months now. A sad state of affairs.

lubeybooby Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:35

Thanks all! Yep I bloody knew something was up again, I bloody bloody buggering well knew! and I knew that it must be baaaaad news, really baaad bad bad awful for him to go against his promise of being more open and all that - so therefore i'd guessed that it was the dreaded HK. Damn and blast.

But anyway I'm very much looking forward to making the most of our last love-in and I had kind of accepted it was all over anyway.

I've also already started dating myself, by treating myself to a massive horde of lovely new things (dresses, boots, shoes, bag, perfume, make up, kinkyfuckery items, a new PC, new undies... the list goes on)

Damn I'm good to myself, I bloody love me already shame the bank will hate me

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:35

I like that idea milk smile

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:34:54

Mac I sent it - will see how he replies. No doubt with something suggesting I am an uptight, frigid cunt lady. Why you having a bad day?

domestic - Welcome. You have to just laugh at it. I just got offered a roll in the hay (first message)! Let me think about that, no.

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:35:19

lubey you must link to items!

domesticgodless Tue 20-Nov-12 21:36:02

oh I am up for some platonic dates def.

i wonder if I had more RL friends if I'd bother with men....hmm.

Good luck milk I could handle a man boy atm. x

OhWesternWind Tue 20-Nov-12 21:36:18

Lubey really sorry to hear that. Why oh why couldn't he just have been straight with you especially as it was obvious something was going on?

Godless - great attitude! If you go out just expecting a drink and a bit of a chat, then anything else will be a lively bonus. Plus it will take a lot if pressure off. I know, I was much the same myself and in one way or another enjoyed all my dates apart from the awful one with Mr Bitumen. (I can manage two minutes on the subject if bitumen, if pushed. He managed two hours and could probably have doubled that if he'd had the chance).

Yoga - yes!!!

lubeybooby Tue 20-Nov-12 21:38:12

Milk I just nearly spluttered my drink everywhere at 'at least 60% hotter' grin I like your platonic dating idea as well!

hope your boudoir sees excellent action v soon

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:38:35

Oh, that would be his insecurity talking then Yoga wink

I don't know. It's just a bit blah. confused I'm looking forward to tomorrow though. How are you these days?

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Tue 20-Nov-12 21:38:37

I think we could be onto something here ladies. The platonic Mumsnet dating group is a goer! grin

domestic I will pass my man boy along to you when I am finished. He is as cute as apple pie. Also probably too young to not do EVERYTHING you tell him to.

In other words, the ideal man! wink

smokinaces Tue 20-Nov-12 21:40:27

Milk, sorry about friend with headfuck. It could be any number of reasons he did it - but do the right thing and go on that date with manboy, and get a shag too if you want one - I always find I have a clearer mind if Im not climbing the walls for sex for weeks wink

thankfully Ive only been a month or 6 weeks or so. this means I find it easier to not jump into bed with this one after just 2 dates. I can build things.

though is it shallow to want to know now if he has a) a decent penis and b) knows how to use it and his hands?!?

He has 2 kids, he's had previous relationships so I keep telling myself he cant be utter shit in bed......

God I hate the build up to that part.

lubeybooby Tue 20-Nov-12 21:40:42

Mac oh lordy - I am all shopped out now but I'll try and find links in a bit grin which could lead to more shopping, help!

hatesponge Tue 20-Nov-12 21:42:29

Hordes of lovely new things sounds fab smile

I think I may date myself for the rest of the year cos lets face it no other bastard wants to date me and buy myself lots of lovely Xmas presents!

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:43:44

Excellent work lubey grin

Ah, payday in 10 days, first one since June. Lovely. <daydreams>

MacAndCheese Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:24

And you know you'll like the things you buy sponge

Double whammy grin

Yogagirl17 Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:56

I would date myself but I can't afford to take myself anywhere. sad

Bugger, replied to Gingerbread man out of pure boredom.

lubeybooby Tue 20-Nov-12 21:45:37

oh and OWW I have wondered the same thing. It only became final today so at least he's said now, but not having to guess in the run up to this would have been nice.

I think he'd have said sooner if we had seen each other since he knew but we haven't... him having his issues about wanting to say things face to face and all that. He did do really well keeping me informed for a while but it all slipped when he chose HK over USA it seems... Oh well anyway no point dwelling on it now. At least i know with some notice and haven't just dumped him like i was going to and THEN find out or something, which would have been