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Do I tell my "friend" how upset and offended I am after her little dinner party or just ignore her?(75 Posts)
Ok will try not to ramble as it has been a highly emotional couple of weeks and I want to make sense.
I have known a lady, lets call her Nikki for a few years through DD nursery school. Not a heart to heart friendship more of a drinks, nights out and occasional dinners. She always seemed nice enough with a bit of an edge to her, says what she means quite bluntly but that never really bothered me. English is not her first language so I just put it down to a cultural difference. She has a great sense of humor and fun.
Anyway she invited me to drinks / buffet dinner at her place a few weeks back which I said I would go although DH could not make it. When I turned up there were just couples present, very cold, quiet people not at all warm to me and I felt oh dear may have misjudged this one will just stay for a few and leave.
That was the plan. Nikki and her DH were friendly enough but not overly so and he made me these ridiculously strong cocktails I was struggling to drink but I ended up drinking more than I wanted to as it was relaxing me in this situation.
Towards the end of the night Nikki was making really catty comments, referring to friends of mine she had met when at my place at a party I held in Summer - saying they were "mad" and "strange". They had been nothing but nice to her actually, unlike her friends to me! Her and her DH had a bit of a joke about one of my friends expense. I had the feeling I just wanted to go so I went to call a cab. By this point the room was spinning after these dreadful cocktails.
The last thing I remember about the night was one of her friends Husbands making a really personal comment about my physical appearance (one which really cuts to the bone as I know it is not my best feature), Nikki actually stifled a laugh I remember that really clearly. Then I just got up and left I don't think I said goodbye as such.
This triggered a horrific anxiety attack for me for about a week. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I was so mad at myself for drinking too much and putting myself in this position where someone could hurt me. My councillor always says move out of your comfort zone and I did and I got badly burnt. I then deleted her from my phone and the dreaded FB as I found the whole thing really triggering.
Then DD got admitted to Hospital, she suffers from a condition which flares up and it potentially very serious. I have been v worried and stressed with this as you can imagine.
DD is better and improving but the stress levels are off the scale.
Nikki text me 2 days ago. She asked if she could call me. I replied v brief that I am in hospital with DD. She then asked me to call her and wished that all was well.
I am certainly not going to call. I was a wreck after that party. But I wonder if I should send her a passing message or if she does contact me again if I should explain that I don't enjoy being invited to someone's house to be insulted. I really don't want her friendship. I can't risk it. But I am not sure if I should just let it go or what.
Thank you for reading this essay, would appreciate some advice.
Is it at all possible that the drink was clouding your judgement?
I know the right thing to do is explain that she was mean etc. but I would actually take the cowards way out and just blank her from now on.
What a cow.
On the basis of what you've written, it sounds as though you are over reacting hugely.
You and your friend seem to have have different ideas about what consitutes a good evening, but unless the dinner party guest said that you were the ugliest person they'd ever come across, I really think that your own issues are clouding your judgment.
If you don't want to rescue the friendship, I don't see any point in confronting her or explaining. Just dont call her back.
From what you have said about your anxiety I think there is at least a possibility that you have overreacted to what happened - if she was as cruel and unpleasant as this makes her sound, I am surprised it has taken years to surface.
But I has obviously caused you a lot of stress and made you unhappy so as she isn't a family member or a longstanding friend I would just let it go.
Even before you felt the effect of the drink and the comment about your appearance, sorry, but she sounds like a bitch, as do her friends. You don't need people like that in your life. I have been there, as in had 'friends' like that, and I felt so much better when I stopped seeing them.
Ditch the gucking useless bitch. Usong you to boost her own sense of self worth is not.on. Is she racist?
I dunno, this all sounds a bit wierd and I'm struggling to see what exactly your friend did wrong to be honest.
People being "not at all warm" to you, and your friend and her DH being "friendly enough but not overly so" is all about your perception. And she has texted and tried to call you since then.
But really, if it causes you that much anxiety then yes, end the friendship. I'd do it by fobbing her off and being really "busy" until she gets the message, because like I said, I really can't see what she did that was so wrong with regards to the dinner party.
I would trust your instinct and stay well clear of her. She probably feels bad and wants to make herself feel better by smoothing things over. I'm pretty sure this would not go as far as an actual apology though. Look after yourself and do whatever you need to get over this. You sound lovely and she and her friends sound awful. I hope your DD feels better soon.
Some of the posts on this thread seem a little knee-jerk if I may say so .
Trouble is, op, we can't really comment on your evening because we didn't witness at first hand what went on.
I remember for sure the man's comment, it was really what I would call bitchy and nasty she stifled a laugh and then the man looked embarrassed and went quiet. I had only been introduced to him that evening. If someone had said that to her in a reverse situation I would have felt awful tbh not laughed.
My gut feeling is she was going to apologise or something along that line as we never really just chat on the phone and both messages were "can I call you.." like she had something to say.
I don't want to speak to her I really don't.
I really think you took the wrong end of the stick, felt uncomfortable because you was the only one on your own and didn't feel particularly welcome, maybe her friends were twunts maybe they weren't. The thing is, if you were room spinningly drunk there is a good chance that they were pretty pissed too. I would let it go, give her a ring and find out what she wants - you never know, she may have picked up that you were feeling uncomfortable and wanted to apologise.
Are you on any medication for your depression? I think you are being really hard on yourself and automatically assumed that they woudllnt like you.
What did he say exactly if you don't mind me asking? Could it have been a drunk/mistimed joke?
I'm with mintyy so far
Thanks for your thoughts. I am reading and it's really helpful to see some other perspectives
Strong cocktails can often make people behave like twats - it may well be that she woke up feeling guilty and wants to make amends.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
It would totally out me if I posted what he said. I really wish I could.
To be blunt, you have two choices lovely - you either ring her and find out what she wants or ignore her but forget the friendship. This is make or breaktime for you both i think - she will either turn into a really good friend or you'll go your separate ways!
Oh sorry. Ok. Its a bit hard to judge, but if you've come away feeling rubbish then theres probably a good reason for that. Why dont you speak to the woman and tell her how you feel. Even if you decide not to see her again, it would still be closure for you.
I read it that the friend was making catty remarks and then laughed when someone else insulted the OP. Do we have to have been there to find that unnacceptable? Surely all posts have to be taken on face value.
You may have been handed strong cocktails but you didn't have to drink them and get drunk. Take responsibility for that.
You didn't enjoy the evening, you found the husband's personal comment on your appearance (and the wife's snigger) rude, which it was. Don't respond to the woman if you don't want her friendship. You don't owe her an explanation. But if you think she wants to apologise you'd be better to let her and then keep her at a distance, rather than avoiding her and it forever being a big issue between you. You can't move on by pretending it never happened and by refusing to face it.
Why not tell her how you felt? It gives her an opportunity to give her side of the story and possibly change her behaviour in the future. Plus it's good for you to be honest about your feelings. There's nothing wrong with having them.
Oh my poor you You are being horribly hard on yourself though. If she throws you off kilter and you are feeling unable to manage her and her (awful sounding) chums then avoid avoid avoid.
Ive come to the conclusion that you only get one life. Protect your wellbeing and be happy. You have a lot on your plate. Who needs to be around people who make life more complicated? I hope your dd is ok.
You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. That is the right thing to do at the moment. If you want to tell her how you feel, you can do that a later date.
I think you have been hurt and for good reason.
She insulted your friends.
She invited you to her home and didn't make you feel welcome - purely a hosts primary job.
I hope your DD Is okay.
If you don't want to be friends, then don't respond but is there a chance she wants to apologise?
I wouldn't just blank her, unless you are 13. End the friendship, but I think you need to explain to her why you are hurt.
You all had too much to drink, she was a bit rude about your friends (maybe her perception was they were mad and strange, even if you like them. One persons "mad" is another persons "sociable")
One of her freinds made a personal comment about you, and she tried to stiffle a laugh. (I take it she had been drinking, too)
Her friends were cold and quiet (she can hardly control her guests behavior), maybe they are shy?
You got up and walked out and have now deleted her from your phone and FB.
I must be missing something, becuase I can't see what has upset you so much
I am v stupid for drinking them I totally agree that. I was a bit nervous as the others there were quite formal in their approach and I was on my own they were all in couples. I misjudged that but it is no ones fault at all just different personalities. I just wanted to set the scene.
The bitchy comment about my appearance and laugh from Nikki was what really upset me and triggered my reaction.
Exactly merlot and although my post did seem knee-jerk, I was saying what I would do if someone treated me like that. I was bullied at high school and wish I had stood up to the bints and I take a zero tolerance stance to bullies now. That is how it reads to me that this woman and her friends were to the OP. I admit I am sensitive to these things though. I think on the whole you can trust your instincts when someone is well-meaning, but makes a misjudged comment, or is an out and out bitch.
I would've been knocking back those cocktails too in that situation. You were nervous and they were unkind.
Thank you for the supportive messages. DD is on the mend
ok I think if she calls again I will speak to her. What should I say if she does apologise? What if she just calls to say hi? I really don't want a friendship with her anymore but you can't really say that to someone without sounding a bit odd.
I would let it go and stop replying to her texts. You both know what happened and you clearly weren't particularly close before this party.
If she rings you, well you can either screen the call or see what she has to say. However, even of she was really drunk too and full of apologies, I really wouldn't want to see someone whose first reaction was to laugh at you, even if she then stifles the laugh.
Sounds like you got too drunk and then they all started bullying you like a bunch of schoolchildren. Ok it's not that socially cool to get wankered that quickly but hey, we're all human. And those of us with anxiety/depression/social phobia do tend to do this more often than most. Which is a pity as we then 'self-loathe' for ages afterwards. Life is too short - try to train your brain to think about other things and forget about her as an acquaintaince. No point agonising about it and analysing exactly what happened.
I'm really surprised that some posters don't see that your friend has behaved rudely towards you. You made it quite clear in your OP that she made catty comments about your friends, and laughed when one of her guests insulted you. Seems pretty clear cut tbh. I would guess that she knows perfectly well she has upset you and wants to make amends, for whatever reason. I'd be inclined, personally, to just ignore her - I don't think it's necessary to have it out with her as its not as if she doesn't already know that she behaved badly. Let her stew, and focus your energies on taking good care of yourself and your dd. I do hope she is on the mend now. And perhaps have a word with your doctor, as I know from personal experience that stress levels can shift and alter rapidly, and your medication may need updating. Best of luck.
"I really wouldn't want to see someone whose first reaction was to laugh at you, even if she then stifles the laugh."
yes, this exactly!
if she says sorry and sounds like she means it, could you not maybe just chalk it up to everyone being a bit pissed and awkward, and try and forgive her, assuming it's a one off?
hard, I know
hope dd is better- I remember your other thread!
She insulted your friends, her friends are rude, and she sniggered when someone made a horrible comment about you in your presence? They sound like a bunch of playground bullies.
I'd drop her like a hot brick. No one needs friends like that. And I'm bloody glad I don't know some of you in RL if that's what you think is acceptable behaviour to a friend and guest.
if she apologises - just say "thank for for apologising - i did find the evening very uncomfortable" then let the friendship drift into the kerb
"I remember for sure the man's comment, it was really what I would call bitchy and nasty she stifled a laugh and then the man looked embarrassed and went quiet."
Why would he look embarrassed and go quiet if she had laughed at his comment? Are you sure it was not a gasp of outrage or a stifled "shut the fuckup" she let out? Twats like him would normally be encouraged by a stifled laugh, not silenced.
I'd stay away from her as much as poss if it was me
I don't know Balloon that puzzled me too...overstepped the mark maybe?actually the whole thing is
Thank you for the suggestions and advice. Kew I think that is perfect.
When I read the op I was totally cringing for you - I know that feeling of being a social thing where no one is clicking with you and it just feels wrong, and also of kicking myself because I was nervous and drank too much. Horrible. I think what went on here was that it was an odd atmosphere with people you didnt click with, everyone drank too much, and some unpleasantt behaviour resulted - the insults and sniggering. IMO you are NOT overreacting, even though she probably didn't set out to upset you. She was rude, unsupportive and made you miserable.
I would just stay calm and keep her at arm's length. It's no good asking you to call, that's pathetic. If she emailed a genuine-sounding apology I'd forgive her, but still remain polite at best and not see her much. Otherwise don't bother.
Really sorry about your worries. I think people who can handle social situations easily or haven't experienced anxiety can sometimes just not see why it can be such a strain.
Balloonslayer is right - maybe the stifled laugh was embarrased laughter due to the guy's comment making her uncomfortable, remember she would be pissed too. Benefit of the doubt if you like the woman, if not, move on and don't let it upset you.
Aargh I meant "at a social thing"!
I dont think you are over reacting at all!
You are invited to a dinner party. Your hosts did not make you feel welcome, but were impolite and bad mannered on several accounts:
1. Serving Strong cocktails is not really on. Most hosts take care that alcohol is measured out in either normal or low dosages to avoid drunkenness.
2. They insulted your friends, talking about them behind their backs.
3. Sniggered when another party guest was rude about your appearance.
She sounds awful. Friends are optional - bin her.
Poor you and many sympathies - some people can't behave when they're pissed, and he didn't mean it or anything, but bugger that for social behaviour. Lucky escape now if you ask me.
Perhaps it was a nervous laugh. Sometimes I laugh in stressful situations, I had to make a 999 call once and they thought it was a crank call because I was giggling nervously down the phone.
It sounds like an awful evening but it is possible that your judgement was clouded by a mixture of anxiety and alcohol. I would speak to her to hear what she has to say.
Oh god -that sounds a nightmare. No wonder you don't want to talk to her. You are not overreacting at all.
But just to look at it another way...
I am your friend (not really except in internet land, promise). I invite you to a party. Everyone gets horribly drunk on my ridiculously strong cocktails. One of my other friend's dh is an arse. He makes an unforgivably rude comment because he's drunk and an arse and trying to be funny.
What would I do?
Laugh . I'm ashamed to say I think I would.
Not because I found it funny. Not because I wanted to hurt you. But because I was incredibly embarrassed and as the hostess would want to cover up for an incredibly uncomfortable social gaff and the only way I would know how to do this would be cover with a nervous giggle.
Not big, not clever or correct. But perhaps your friend knows this and knows she owes an apology. I'd give friend a second chance if you like her enough. But not her arse of a friend.
I agree with Slambang.
The other thing is, that if you only have a vague memory of the evening, how can you be 100% sure that any comments and coldness weren't kind of deserved?! If I went to a party and there was one person who was noticeably more drunk than every other person, I'd probably be avoiding them.
You need to decide if you want to be friends.
Either way though the adult thing would be to hear it from her point of view, because I imagine it is very different to yours. You were all drunk and things can be taken out of context or completely inaccurate.
As for being told to go outside your comfort zone, I don't really think this is what your Councillor had in mind.
Its also possible that when you do speak to her, you may have forgot some parts of your behavior that were less than nice.
If you can't face the discussion then don't. Your well being comes first. but be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear/ have forgotten.
Benefit of the doubt if you like the woman, if not, move on
This is really the only sensible approach. I agree the stifled laugh was really more of a "wtf?!" as that explains the man's subsequent embarrassment. If the sum total of your friendship outweighs a crap evening, accept her apology (even if you have to ask for one). Otherwise, play polite and let things drift.
One of my closest friends had a party that I found absolutely appalling - I'm pathetically easy-going but this was light years out of my comfort zone! I muddled through with the best grace I could muster, but we've never been at all close since then. I just hadn't realised she had this side to her character and I didn't like it. I told her how uncomfortable I'd been and she didn't get it - so, to me, wasn't the friend I'd thought. Sad, but it happens. I wouldn't have ditched her before finding out if there was enough empathy left to build on, though.
Thanks again. I didn't do anything offensive to anyone there though. I tried to make conversation with the others at the very beginning before any drinking got underway but they kind of stared at me blankly, - they all knew each other quite well and are from the same native country though.
I know I said something like "We had a good night when you came over in summer" Then Nikki and her DH started poking fun at the others there (my good friends) "that Woman was strange.." I was just pretty quiet after that then waiting for my cab.
The only thing I did which may be considered rude was leaving v quickly and no grand goodbye, but under the circs I think that was justified tbh.
I do think if the comment/ laugh wasn't made I would have just thought oh not a great night but no huge deal.
Hmm, well it does look like the two of you might get on with each other better than with each other's friends! You each find the other's friends 'strange', yes? Assuming you can smooth things over satisfactorily, it might be best to recognise there is a limit to how well you fit into each other's lives.
But you were drunk OP. I am not saying when you arrived your were rude, but as the evening wore on and you got drunker, there may be stuff you have forgotten.
I am just saying that you should be prepared for anything if you discuss with her.
garlic is right. you don't have to like each others friends. but you could still be friend with the understanding you don't slag each others friends off.
100% agree with Gwendoline
OP, I feel for you, for a situation that has left you feeling so anxious on top of your DD being ill.
To be more or less ignored, have your friends openly ridiculed and have nasty remarks made about your personal appearence is totally unacceptable.
I say ignore her for now, should you bump in to her just tell her you are busy with your daughter, you are an adult and need not explain yourself to anyone else.
The only thing I am really struggling to understand is why others on here think you are overreacting/poor judgement?
Just because OP struggles with anxiety/MHI does not make her nutty or unreliable?
and bubble ! I will move on from her, I have some great advice here.
It sounds a bit as if you're blaming her for inducing your anxiety. If she makes you feel uncomfortable then there's nothing wrong with ending the friendship (although tbh I would let it slide rather than get all confrontational as I don't think that will help).
Agree with what ProvincialLady said on page 1
Were the others all friends? Those sorts of dinner parties never work that well. I've been invited to one (with dh) before to make up numbers after a last minute cancellation and we were total odd ones out. I was driving so had to stay sober. Even my friend apologised for inviting us afterwards
'1. Serving Strong cocktails is not really on. Most hosts take care that alcohol is measured out in either normal or low dosages to avoid drunkenness. '
This sounds v odd to me. Surely, as adults, the guests are able to decide whether or not, or indeed how much, they wish to drink? Blaming hosts for providing drinks seems most strange.
OP - I am sorry about your dd but your friend didn't cause that and she has wished you well re dd. It seems a bit churlish to refuse even to speak to her. If everybody had a lot to drink, then stupid comments might well have been made - but I'm sure it doesn't mean that everybody was picking on you. I understand that you felt a bit uncomfortable as the only non-coupled person there, but it does sound a bit of six of one and half a dozen of another, and if you like her, it does seem rather a storm in a teacup and not worth a massive falling out over imho.
Just because OP struggles with anxiety/MHI does not make her nutty or unreliable?
I actually find that offensive. No one has suggested the op is 'nutty' but have questioned how accurate her recollection might be because she was drunk. Not because she has mental health issues.
and to suggest such is really offensive.
I'm confused. One of the people at the dinner party said something rude about you (which you won't tell us) but when the hostess stifled a laugh (you think), he looked very embarrassed? That's odd and makes me think he didn't mean it.
Did you just get up and leave without saying anything at all? That's a bit rude. How drunk were you?
No I don't think she stifled a laugh she did.
I have explained the scenario in quite a lot of detail over my posts.
Thanks for all the helpful comments I am in a good place to move forward with this.
The only thing I am really struggling to understand is why others on here think you are overreacting/poor judgement?
Baffles me too - OP doesn't seem to have been falling over/comatose drunk.
I have been very drunk on occasion (when I was younger and much more foolish) and have never forgotten anything (much though I tried).
Whatever the underlying cause the OP had a very uncomfortable evening - she didn't imagine that. It isn't the mark of a good friend if they don't go out of their way to put a guest who is a) on their own b) the only non-Turkish/albanian/Australian person there c) knows no-one else at their ease.
I have drifted apart from a "good" friend who treated me very similarly at a party. I don't need friends who make me feel like shit - I'm not quite sure what purpose they serve
Thank you Kew you have it spot on.
I thin it would help you if you spoke to her, just to lay the incident to rest.
I agree with Willa
She may be trying to call you to apologise in which case you have two choices;
1) Maintain the friendship on a once every so often coffee and catch up
2) Tell her that whilst you accept her apology, you don't feel the friendship can continue as you have enough stresses in your life
If she is just calling to brush things under the carpet then just tell her that you were very upset by the party and don't feel you can continue with the friendship
Personally, I would nip it in the bud rather than let it die a slow lingering death as it is stressing you out at a time when you don't need it
Best wishes to your DD too
Letting things linger always fuels my anxiety. Just because you answer her call doesn't mean you have to continue the friendship.
I am a bit confused. If this was a one off, I would just put it down to 'dinner party gone wrong', it's slightly embarrassing for everyone concerned, but not enough (usually) to end a friendship over. But if there's other stuff and it's the final nail etc etc that's different.
yes, ditch her, but i think you will get over this more quickly and thoroughly if you let her speak to you and maybe apologise to you, and you finish up with the great comment from one of the earlier posts, something like, thank you for apologising, it was a very uncomfortable evening for me. then just brush her of and dont mix with her again. given your anxiety and mh issues, i think it might be easier or you to move on if you have some closure
You are going to be stuck in limbo without speaking to her. You are going to have to get yourself out of the midset of her being a bleep and carrying on as before or ditching her completely, or you give her a chance and then make a decision on carrying on with the "friendship."
I'm rather surprised at how many of you would dump a friend after one less than perfect evening, tbh.
Sometimes different sets of friends just don't mix well ... I don't think that's really the host's fault is it?
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