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Might this be nice? Or is it wrong?

(83 Posts)
WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 17:04:22

Namechanged for this, as I'm not sure if I am being nice or not.

I've been single for 18mths, dated a bit, but not really clicked with anyone, well, there was one but he was not really interested in a relationship, or seeing me more than every 3 weeks for sex

But, one man, I met on the dating site 6mths ago. He's a lovely man, but I didn't feel the 'I fancy you' spark, so I friendzoned him. We still went out every couple of weeks to see a band or for a drink, he's been to my house (brought his guitar, we had the best night), and I to his lovely clean tidy but bohemian flat.

So the crux of it is, I slept with him last night. I still don't feel that mad insane lust spark, but he is such a lovely, lovely man. And it was great.

He's not conventionally attractive - and please don't flame me for being honest, this is what I am struggling with: He is short and quite overweight as am I but and all my previous partners have been footballers quite attractive.

But I like his mind, he's doing a PhD, and we can talk for hours about everything. He likes the same films, music, tv, politics, lifestyle as me, and he really really likes me.

I need to lose some weight and have decided to join a gym - he's joining with me, I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer. I feel as shallow as a fucking teaspoon.

He's supposed to be coming over for dinner on Monday (we are both busy til then)

What do I DO?? Help me wise vipers.

peppapigpants Fri 16-Nov-12 17:07:39

Enjoy his company and see what happens next...

WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 17:13:45

well, yes smile I have been so far. But I don't want to hurt him. He's very keen, and honest and sweet. Should I be honest with him? I was thinking of asking him if we can take it slow? But how does that work?

Lavenderhoney Fri 16-Nov-12 17:27:27

Why would you hurt him? Would you be using him? He sounds very nice. Do you want to sleep with him again? He might be hurt if you don't want to and I don't really see how you could be friends if you mean go out with him but not sleep with him when you already have. and you liked it.

You do sound a bit shallowsmile as if you mean you are ashamed he isnt fit, and your friends see you- but if they mock as he isnt skinny and you take their side, he is better off without you. Maybe he has had a few too many nights in with a pie as he's been single?

You know, footballers when they retire ain't so hot sometimes, always on about the match and growing a beer belly. And thinking they are attractive to under 25's in clubs. You, on the other hand would be with someone who liked you for you, not what you look like, and really, that is much bettersmile

Give him a chance, it's early days and I guess he is finding his way with you too.

ButternutSquish Fri 16-Nov-12 17:39:12

Just think about this if he were writing this about you....she's really nice but she's a bit overweight, etc etc, how would you feel?

Looks fade, friendship can last forever. You obviously feel something sexual for this man as you slept with him and you aren't saying it was a horrible mistake.

Take it slow, enjoy his company.....the best lovers are the ones that are great friends too

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 17:44:28

"I was thinking of asking him if we can take it slow? But how does that work?"

Be up front. For all you know he may be thinking exactly the same thing about you... 'not my usual type but any port in a storm'. Everyone's a grown-up.

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 17:51:07

grin @ too many nights in with a pie as he's been single

Sounds as if you've scoffed a few too many pies as well. Was the sex good? If so, a spark may ignite at some point.

WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 17:51:10

I do want to sleep with him again, as I said it was really lovely.

Ashamed of him? No, my friends are all shapes and sizes and possibly much nicer than me blush

As I said, we are joining the gym together... But this makes me feel weird. My STBEx made me go to the gym and constantly criticised my weight. Am I projecting?

And yes, the incredibly hot footballers are bloody dull and vacuous, and I don't want that ever again... I'm clear on that.

I wouldn't be surprised at anyone writing that about me, I'm fun but a bit fat. But I now he wouldn't, he says I'm beautiful confused

He's coming over to mine on Monday to watch a film. Normally it would just be a film, but now it is 'film and cuddle'. I like a cuddle and it's been ages since I had a nice one from someone who is actually interested.

Do I just go with it and make no promises?

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 17:56:10

What promises are you expected to make? You're adults meeting up by mutual consent and with mutual intent to please yourselves.

Just stay off the pies grin

WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 17:59:20

Oh Cogito I'm glad you are here :D But he says (ok, he had had a few, and I was sober) that he might be in love with me and he thinks I'm beautiful. And he is a good honest man. This is why I am being so cautious well I was till I boffed him last night

He knows EVERYTHING. About every date I've had in the last 6mths, as we were/are friends (this is why I also know he is a good guy, never slagged an ex off etc) and all of my shady relationship history

izzy Deffo been at the pies smile We finally bonded over a post beer kebab last night... The sex WAS good. I wanna 'nother go...

Kaluki Fri 16-Nov-12 18:05:50

Enjoy it!
Dont make any promises and be honest with him as he is with you.
You never know .....,,,

stuffitunderthebed Fri 16-Nov-12 18:11:05

Might be a slow burner for you! Just don't make any promises, go with the flow and see how it pans out. Good luck 0P.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 18:11:55

Blimey he sounds lovely. If you chuck him out, send him my way will you? Love short, furry, affectionate, musical types with a GSOH... smile I bet you're still with him in 20 years time and I bet neither of you lose an ounce...

lovesteaandcake Fri 16-Nov-12 18:29:45

My gran once said to me, "always marry a man you can have a good conversation with, because when you're old and your body has seen better days, conversation is all you have".
I wasn't instantly attracted to my DP. He is the total opposite of what I "look for" in a man, but we went on a few dates and he was so sensitive & loving, and we can talk for hours and not get bored of each other.

A man that is trustworthy, loving and loves you for you is certainly worth giving it a chance. Stay honest with each other & time will tell if it's right or not. He sounds lovely

Lavenderhoney Fri 16-Nov-12 18:31:48

He sounds lovelysmile and you didn't have beer goggles on, which is good. Take the compliments, as he clearly meant it, he might be the kind of guy who says I love you really easily which is better than some ice man who has to have a gun t his head.

What DVD are you going to watch? Or try to watch before christening the sofa? Is he bringing it, or pot luck on the telly? I bet you guys will have way to much fun together doing couple things you both like to make it to the gym ever.

WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 18:57:55

He is lovely smile

I thought you were all going to flame me for being a horrible bitch.

As it is, I can't bloody wait til Monday grin

WantSomethingNice Fri 16-Nov-12 18:59:39

LavenderHoney I've got Ted on DVD, that we meant to go and see in the cinema, but never got round to. It's not terribly romantic is it? But the TV option is The Walking Dead... Maybe we are not terribly romantic grin

Your username is Wantsomethingnice

Sounds like you have it! smile

Enjoy it for what it is. If he wants to move things on then you can talk about it.

Personally, I think 'sparks' come in a variety of ways. Maybe you didn't get the instant butterflies but it could very well be that you have something very real and long-lasting instead. Plus the sex was good so it's a win-win!

Let yourself enjoy it!

shazbean Fri 16-Nov-12 19:43:13

You can't wait til Monday...there's your answer grin
I was not bowled over by DH when we first took a year for us to get together properly!
we've been together nigh on 20 years and now I STILL get a fluttery tummy sometimes when I look at him even though it wasn't like that to start with.
Sometimes things take time to grow - but sometimes it's worth it.
Have fun and see what happens.

Lesbeadiva Fri 16-Nov-12 19:50:03

Aw op, I like the term "slow burner". He sounds lovely. My wife is my best friend. She isn't my normal "type" either. All of my ex's were very different. But "ex" is the important word here. I never married any of them! We have been together five years, have two great children and are stupidly happy. She does my head in(two women with pmt at one time can be bad) but my god she makes me laugh and feel loved every single day. Let him break the mould and see how it looks. Goodluck!

Punkatheart Fri 16-Nov-12 20:00:40

Firstly - that is lovely to hear, Les. Particular when we all hear so many sad ad awful stories on here.

He sounds intelligent, good in bed and fun. I hope it works out for you. Good men are hard to find. Good-looking men are easy to find...they are the one walking down the street gazing at themselves in shop windows.....

Mumsyblouse Fri 16-Nov-12 20:03:18

If you are looking forward to seeing him again, for whatever reason, then this is a good sign. You don't have to make life changing decisions now, just enjoy this, don't lie about anything (you are not I know) and see where it goes, I think it may have legs and that you are already starting to see him differently (and if not, you can find that out later down the line).

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 17-Nov-12 08:47:29

Been in exactly the same dilema as you a long time ago, and I felt terrible about it too.
I subconciously changed my thinking because he was absolutely lovely - it was his mind that I loved and not his looks.
However, wasn't too long before I started to see beauty in his looks too, particularly his eyes, an expression, his lovely laugh.
I am quite tall, slim etc., he was just a smidge taller, and overweight with a terrible dress sense, but what a personality - intelligent, witty, never boring, just a lovely person. We just clicked/moulded. (Btw changed his dress sense).
He sounds absolutely lovely and I think you are a Very lucky girl.
I wish you luck but I don't think you'll need it x

Punkatheart Sat 17-Nov-12 09:27:19

Another lovely story, Keep. I was falling in love with him too from your description...

itsallinmyhead Sat 17-Nov-12 09:39:33

Be honest with him OP. Tell him you're enjoying his company but you're not sure you see the potential for a relationship.

Don't apologise for not finding him physically attractive, that may still come. You obviously find the 'man' attractive as you've slept with him.

My DP & I started off very much in the same way. I wasn't physically attracted to him but loved spending time with him (we were friends-part of a larger group) then one day bang, he was the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on...still is.

It can happen.

Just don't promise something you don't intend. Don't set out knowing you're waiting for something better because that is selfish & cruel.

CambridgeBlue Sat 17-Nov-12 10:07:41

I felt like this when I met my DH. I'd recently been dumped by an absolute bastard but one who was so gorgeous I got slightly dizzy just looking at him. DH and I were part of a group at work who used to go out together, time and time again we would be the last two left in the pub, talking all night and having such a laugh but because he's not conventionally attractive I never saw him like 'that'. But gradually I realised how much we had in common and started to be won over, particularly by his kindness which imo is a much-underated quality. One night I was extremely a bit pissed and as I lived across the other side of London he offered for me to stay at his. He could completely have taken advantage but he gave me his bed, slept on the floor and supplied tea and sympathy when I felt awful the next morning. I think that's when I started to see him in a different light (and also the day it was hot and he wore shorts - he's no Adonis but as a keen cyclist he has got the most fantastic legs!)

We took things slowly but the long and the short of it is, we've been married over 10 years and even though he does my head in at times (as I can guarantee I do his) we are very happy. The looks thing just doesn't comd into it that much (although he has actually got better as he's got older in the way men often do - or maybe I just see him differently? A subtle wardrobe makeover over the years has helped too!)

The thing is, I was at my best when I met him - he's a bit older than me. But since then I've aged, put on a LOT of weight (and lost most of it again at last - hooray!) and it's never made any difference to how he treats me. He's seen me radiant(ish) on my wedding day and swearing, bloated and tearful in childbirth and he still loves me. DH is a big Springsteen fan and the song Tougher Than The Rest sums him up for me most of the time - if you don't know it, it's worth a listen.

Didn't mean to make this all about me but your situation sounds so similar. I would advise you to go for it, enjoy spending time with this lovely man and just see how if goes - good luck smile

WantSomethingNice Sat 17-Nov-12 11:56:31

Thank you for all your lovely lovely stories - I thin that's what I was hoping for smile

This: Don't set out knowing you're waiting for something better because that is selfish & cruel. Is what is worrying me. He seems very keen on me (maybe I'm just not used to this level of niceness?) But I will be as honest as I can. I can't imagine meeting anyone more interesting or more fun to be with - so that's good right? And he was ace in bed - despite 6 pints grin

Despite all our talk of liking our independence he has text me quite a lot saying he wished he could see me every day. This makes me feel a little bit claustrophobic, even though I want to see him. Argh confused

I think you want this but you're not ready to want this IYSWIM?

There's no harm in telling him that you get a little freaked out with the intensity. If he's really as nice as he seems, he will respect your wishes to slow down a little bit.

WantSomethingNice Sat 17-Nov-12 12:31:56

That makes sense walter. I think. I didn't answer his 3am text til just now - and I asked him if he was drunk...

I'll explain on Monday. Slow is better. Just in case.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Sat 17-Nov-12 12:45:58

OP I was in the same position 10 years ago. The man I met was quite handsome but a complete and utter nerd who was surgically attached to his anorak. There was no firey lust sparks from me at all. I doubted something rotten. But then one day I realised I couldn't ever imagine him not being in my life. We've been married for 6 years now and I'm so glad I stuck with him. I know I will never meet anyone as kind, gentle or loving as this man. I love him so much.

So give it time and see what develops.

I knew DH for about 18 months before he asked me out. I almost said no, because I didn't find him physically attractive at all and I didn't want to waste his time, because I knew he was a lovely bloke. But I said yes, because he was a lovely bloke and I was sick of dating utter bastards. We had a wonderful date and when he kissed me I melted.

We have our problems of course, but now when I look at him I see his beautiful eyes and soft skin and am so pleased I gave someone likeable and nice a fair chance.

WantSomethingNice Sat 17-Nov-12 13:05:30

Argh - you are all convincing me to just go for it and it might be (nearly) perfect. Also he is being v funny via text now... But I have been firm I cannot see him this weekend because my DDs are about.

awhistlingwoman Sat 17-Nov-12 13:12:23

cambridge now I'm in my kitchen cooking lunch, listening to 'Tougher Than The Rest' (never heard it before) and crying into the kids's fishfingers! Your DH sounds like diamond.

awhistlingwoman Sat 17-Nov-12 13:13:57

Oh and WantSomethingNice he sounds great and, like many of the previous posters have said, people's looks may fade but a kind heart and a witty brain are not to be underestimated and last longer. Good luck, have a nice time on Monday wink

riskit4abiskit Sat 17-Nov-12 19:51:38

I love this thread, the OP is like Bridget Jones!

I'm another one who didn't feel a spark at first but we have been together over a decade! Go for it, he sounds lovely, anyman that likes cuddles is a keeper

ccarpenton Sat 17-Nov-12 21:50:21

He has to "do it for you". He just has to. If you want anything long term with someone then they have to do it for you.

Or else, some halfwit will come along, spark your engine and you'll be left breaking the heart of someone you adore.

"Friendzone" this guy and have accidental sex with him occasionally to tide you over until the right balance of brains and "yes!" comes along. ;)

WantSomethingNice Sat 17-Nov-12 22:20:52

Laughing at Bridget Jones grin

I had NOT shaved my legs and I had Massive Pants on. With a HOLE in them. He didn't seem to notice...

Argh ccarpenton I'd already friendzoned him... but now it's a bit late what with the shagging confused

Punkatheart Sat 17-Nov-12 22:33:47

I think whatever advice you get here, only you will know. Once upon a time I believed in that instant attraction, huge spark, lust. I had it with my ex but also I found him kind and gentle. Not the best-looking man and overweight - but I loved him very very deeply. He changed and has become the sort of man that, when I tell him his daughter is ill, chooses to ignore me.

So I would love a kind sweet man to restore my faith in men, in humanity. If someone has a soul, it is worth a lot more than a footballer's body. Yes I can admire beautiful men but all the cliches are true for a really is deep within.

I don't feel that I will meet anyone again. Too hurt. Too cynical in some ways. But I truly wish that whatever happens, this man makes you happy. Even if it is for now. I love seeing good news on here and my heart hurts when I see all the pain and betrayal. Enjoy my love. Trust me you are lucky to meet someone who seems to be worth knowing, on whatever level...

TheWheelies Sun 18-Nov-12 09:37:05

"He's not conventionally attractive - and please don't flame me for being honest, this is what I am struggling with: He is short and quite overweight as am I but and all my previous partners have been footballers quite attractive.


I need to lose some weight and have decided to join a gym - he's joining with me, I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer. I feel as shallow as a fucking teaspoon."

If a man had written this I can just imagine the outcry. And I wonder if he would still like you as much if he were to read it.

britishbakeoff Sun 18-Nov-12 10:03:26

It sounds excellent. I was going out with a handsome, rich barrister. Then I met DH: short and very fat. And kind and funny and intelligent and interesting and empathetic, and I fell in love. That was 23 years ago and we are still extremely happy. Good luck, whatever you decide.

SarahBumBarer Sun 18-Nov-12 10:36:03

I wouldn't say he'd never do it for you OP. A lot of great relationships are growers. People can start to look more attractive as you find them as a person attractive just as you can no longer see what attracted you to someone once you get to know them and they irritate you.

"growers" never happen though were there is pressure. So if you feel even a little bit of a wish to see if this CAN go somewhere OP you really do need to have a talk with him so that he takes the pressure and intensity off and you have a chance to see if it can grow.

He does not sound like the kind of guy you can friendzone and use for sex while you wait for something better. Please don't do that unless you have been honest with him about this.

WantSomethingNice Sun 18-Nov-12 16:23:33

TheWheelies I know - I'm not happy about how I thought, which is why I am discussing it only anonymously with strangers. And he knows me very well, I have said worse things to him about other dates. But I do take your point.

bakeoff That's so lovely smile and thank you.

Sarah I really really DON'T want to hurt his feelings, he too nice a man, this is why I'm conflicted, but I think I'll just see how it goes. I now we will have a lovely evening tomorrow - we always do, and I've been having a think, the last man I properly fell for, as opposed to just fancied, is not a conventionally handsome man (this was quite the realisation) I thought he was gorgeous, but none of my friends did. But I was head over heels because he was interesting and made me laugh.

This talking to random strangers is so very helpful for putting my head straight, thank you all.

LessMissAbs Sun 18-Nov-12 20:08:13

I thought that as well The Wheelies.

I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer

I need to lose some weight

I've been single for 18mths

I'm confused by your post. You've been dating this man for 6 months and have slept with him, but are unsure whether you find him attractive or not. If he was a grower, he would surely be growing on you by now!

But then again, if you yourself need to lose weight, why does the same thing make him unattractive? And what do footballers have to do with anything? Plenty of good looking men are not footballers; ugly men play football?


WantSomethingNice Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:42

I am a bit overweight, he is very.

I have been single for 18mths, with the odd date here and there, honest, nothing too confusing there.

We have been friends for 6mths, not dating, had no intention of dating him at all, as there was no spark. And I think he has grown on me, that is the point of my post. I am trying to work out if that is it and if I should encourage myself to keep seeing him, and asking opinions and seeing if other people have been in similar positions, as you can see from up there, lots have.

The footballer thing was lighthearted and other people seemed to get it. and I only dated very good looking ones anyway


WantSomethingNice Mon 19-Nov-12 18:51:05

He'll be here in 10 minutes.

I've shaved my legs grin

Oh you did, did you?! grin

Enjoy your date and don't over think it!!!

SorryMyLollipop Thu 22-Nov-12 19:45:07

So how was the date?

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 21:51:21

He sounds absolutely wonderful. Being married to a handsome selfish empty slim vain peacock can I have him if you aren't interested?

Wow, we women overlook kind caring gems right under our noses as we stupidly chase the smouldering complicated arseholes

I would do anything for a short, fat snaggle toothed kind caring man right now! I wish you well and hope you have a lovely time OP.

Abitwobblynow Thu 22-Nov-12 21:53:54

And, apparently that is how you are supposed to develop relationships: get to know them slowly! Well that was me being a muggins then. Brought it on myself.

"I was going out with a handsome, rich barrister. Then I met DH: short and very fat. And kind and funny and intelligent and interesting and empathetic, and I fell in love. That was 23 years ago and we are still extremely happy. Good luck, whatever you decide."

Soooo jealous, Bakeoff! You lucky girl smile

venusandmars Thu 22-Nov-12 22:27:04

I met and married exh who was intelligent, good looking, high profile job, and who also turned out to be a controlling bastard (hence the ex). In the aftermath of the split there was an eyes-across-a-crowed-room moment (one that stunned my friend who was there and saw it happening). It was all sparks and knee trembling (of the best sort), and lasted for about 18 months but he was terrible with money and as a consequence was an awful liar and not to be trusted.

Meanwhile I knew a man a work. Didn't fancy him - not my type at all, and no ambition. But we were quite friendly. Definitely no flirting (because I didn't fancy him, and because I don't think he knows how to flirt). Then after a dreadful work party I was drunk, and I kissed him blush, damn near slept with him blush blush I was mortified, and he was so nice that he assumed it all meant something. I agreed to go on a proper date (planning to let him down gently) but I had flu and he spend 4 days looking after me instead. Somehow we never spent another night apart. I don't think he ever lit the spark but he is the kindest, most honest, trustworthy, genuine person I have ever met. He's been willing to try out my interests, I've been willing to try his, and we both accept that we have different preferences. We are equals in all the ways that matter. We share the same core values, we share the same sense of humour, we are true companions, he enables me to grow and change as I want, and the sex is damn good (and considerate and lovely) - and still is after 16 years together.

I think 'spark' is over-rated.

bootsycollins Thu 22-Nov-12 22:46:27

Just have to say you both sound gorgeous, he sounds just like one of my best ever boy mates who is recently single and ready to find a new GF. Enjoy yourself he sounds like a keeper!

Apocalypto Fri 23-Nov-12 09:50:48

If you were a man and you fucked a woman once then lost interest in her, because having got your rocks off after a bit of dry patch you had decided after all that her tits were a bit small and her bush the wrong shape / colour, that would be fine, and nobody would question him.

So it must be fine for you to do the same. Just say something like "Although I'm dumpy and plain myself, I imagine I deserve better than someone similar, so let's just be friends."

Simples, no?

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Fri 23-Nov-12 15:24:22

^^ hmm

Bit harsh, Apocalypto.

WantSomethingNice Sun 02-Dec-12 23:42:21

Ooh, that was harsh Apocalypto grin But I see your point.

Thought you would like an update: Think I'm in love blush He is wonderful and I can't get enough of him and we are planning our holiday next year.

Thank you for your lovely encouragement and advice x

(we have not been anywhere near a gym either grin )

Ohh, I do love a happy ending! Yay for you both xx

SweetSeraphim Sun 02-Dec-12 23:46:39

Oh fabulous! That's warmed my heart, that has thanks

WinklyVersusTheZombies Sun 02-Dec-12 23:49:25

Squeeeeeeeal! So pleased grin

SweetSeraphim Sun 02-Dec-12 23:49:26

I think the intense thing is overrated, and rarely ends well. I've always gone for that, but when I met my dp, I didn't get the fluttery thing straight away, and thought it was never going to come. But he is easily the nicest, kindest, most wonderful man I've ever had a relationship with, and I'm so glad I stuck with it, I'm very lucky. Good luck to you both!

AlfalfaMum Mon 03-Dec-12 00:22:15

Aw, he sounds ace.
Lookit, when I first met my DH I thought he wasn't my type (stupid notion this whole 'type' thing - and my type was apparently vain, immature baby-men who wanted me to mother them hmm), but I gradually realised how lovely he was/is and when I eventually pulled him it was fucking amazing smile

DaveMccave Mon 03-Dec-12 01:24:03

Good to hear it's going well.

I was in a very similar situation to you a year a go. They guy was 15 years older than me, bit of a beer belly, curly hair, completely grey. The night I met him I didn't fancy him in the slightest and only took his number so he could let me know about gigs coming up. Ended up texting him casually occasionally and discovered he had radical political opinions I admired, that he was very intelligent and a really nice bloke. Next time I saw him at a gig I was really really drunk and ended up kissing him. I agreed to meet him a couple of weeks later and arranged to stay at his as it was too difficult to get home... and one thing lead to another.

I decided as I had such a good time in bed, it wouldn't do any harm trying it out a few more times times, casually of course...and here I am a year later and very much in love smile . Apart from finding the sex great, I didn't really fancy him in the same way as other blokes, but I did have strong feelings that have grown slowly. Definitely a slow burner but feel so much more real than my previous relationships. I was paranoid in the early days my feelings wouldn't grow but they did.

In my experience, if you really don't fancy someones looks, but you still fancy them enough to have sex with them and kiss them then you've struck gold. I've e had the strong early butterflies with exes and it masked all their hideous flaws, plus you don't really consider their looks once you've been with them for a while, once they fart in front of you and tell you about their bowel movements etc I was a tiny bit paranoid about what people might think I'll be honest, but all anyone ever said was 'Oh, he's SUCH a nice guy..I'm so pleased your together'.

One thing I will say though, is I did take it very slowly. Apart from the sex I mean, we had LOTS of sex at first (and still do wink ) but I didn't introduce him to my DD for a long time, and I always stayed at his and didn't let invite him to my house for a long time because of personal hang ups and I didn't tell him I loved him for 8 months even though I knew it before then. I think he just sensed that, and never pushed me. He sounds like a great guy, and if you tell him you want to take it slow I'm sure he'll be very accommodating. Enjoy!

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 02:00:20

What a lovely update WantSomethingNice. grin I'd rather be with someone I can be happy spending all my time with and look forward to seeing all the time, than a pretty face who's hot in the sack.

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Mon 03-Dec-12 02:52:56


I think it can be hard, after going out with an utter knob end, to take the change of pace and complete difference in approach that a good man brings to the table.

I had a bastard and was pretty much weaned on the high drama and 'intensity' diet by the parents. It's all bullshit.

I met my DH and he was quite stand offish and reserved - I had to work with him for a day- and he was kind and funny and good with everyone but me. I had a little huff to myself and we went our separate ways. 2 weeks later he phoned to tell me he couldn't stop thinking about me, I'd quite literally striken him speechless and would I please go on a date with him, please, thank you. It was surprising and I did go but it took a while for me to realise that I had butterflies in my tummy and what that meant instead of the great intense highs and angst ridden lows that mark the courtship of a beautiful bastard. He was honest about what he felt, I didn't know how to feel about that - I was used to cat and mouse and being played with. It felt a bit much actually because he wasn't trying to catch me just laid out his stall and left it up to me to choose.

He is the most amazing man, I think he is the most beautiful person in the world. Even now I can wake up and see him there and catch myself getting all doe eyed. But to everyone else we're an odd couple, I'm a foot and a bit taller than him, he's short, hairy, scruffy and not at all pretty. But he has a depth and wit that is staggering, he is kind and respectful and adores me (and I him). He's funny and strong and his weaknesses are far outweighed by his good points. He's the best father I've ever seen (biased much!).

I could have walked away. I'm so glad I didn't. I hope you will feel the same, it's a good place to be.

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Mon 03-Dec-12 02:57:57

Oh, it's been just over 10 years btw.

Lavenderhoney Mon 03-Dec-12 03:30:30

Wnatsomethingnice, that's lovely newssmile

Haven't been near a gym smile. Tbh I woud never go to a gym with a partner- too sweatysmile

FellatioNelson Mon 03-Dec-12 03:47:43

I am struggling to see what the problem is. You say he's short and fat but then so are you, and you are not a body fascist. You say the sex was great and lovely and you want to do it again. You say he's kind and sweet and intelligent and interesting. You really enjoy his company. But you still don't think you can have relationship with him? confused

What is it you want exactly?

I think you've become so accustomed to thinking that the perfect man must be an unobtainable one who is slightly out of your league that you don't know how to behave in a fledging relationship where you can call the shots and you are not left always wondering 'will he phone?' and 'does he like me or am I just a plaything?'

Either there is a meeting of minds but the sex is crap, or the sex is smoking but he's an arse. Neither applies here. confused

If there really was no spark and no potential then you would not have had a great time in bed. Just relax and see what happens.

I was relentlessly pursued by someone I did not find physically attractive (at first) once. By the time I'd been brainwashed caved into his quite considerable charms I thought he was George Fucking Clooney.

Read the update nelson

WantSomethingNice Mon 03-Dec-12 11:27:12

I think you've become so accustomed to thinking that the perfect man must be an unobtainable one who is slightly out of your league that you don't know how to behave in a fledging relationship where you can call the shots and you are not left always wondering 'will he phone?' and 'does he like me or am I just a plaything?'

You are right fellatio. My marriage was to a pretty vain peacock as described above, who kept me on a string as to whether I was pleasing him or not, and had at least 2 enormous earth shattering dramas a year. This is easy, and there is no angst, so I thought there was something missing. There isn't, is there smile

I am enjoying reading all of your lovely stories, and it's helped me realise that THIS is the normal, not the angsty/drama.

And ABitWobblyNow - yes, I think this is much more the way to do it, but it is quite baffling if you've never had it before confused

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 11:33:35

It's a tough one........... I don't know if a man I am significantly attracted to will ever in the future find me sufficiently attractive to want a relationship with me. Obviously loads of people will chime in here and tell me I'm shallow/looks obsessed/negative/will find love around the corner..........

but realistically I am quite short, although not overweight I am average looking in an average way ........

I don't know. What is the answer here???? the men I find handsome, both physically and for their confidence and personality, I don't think they would see me in that way.

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 11:36:31

Just read the update and i'm delighted for you

Gay40 Mon 03-Dec-12 13:55:45

Not me, but a friend had two dates with two men: one younger, gorgeous, confident, gym bunny; one older, slight guy how she found physically a bit :::::
I said date them both. Well, Mr Younger was self-obsessed and completely dull. Mr Not Very Attractive had travelled the world and wanted to see more of it, liked art and books and most importantly, wanted to know what she liked.
Needless to say she now finds him the most attractive man on earth and they have a baby. (They are very well suited.)
Spark manifests itself in different ways.

FellatioNelson Mon 03-Dec-12 14:41:35

Oh I see. It was an old thread updated. I should have read it all shouldn't I? grin

So happy that it's working out for you. He sounds lovely.

jen127 Mon 03-Dec-12 16:18:45

Been there too! married and divorced and newly single. My friend was meeting someone she had met off the net and I went along in case he was dodgy! ( he was! ) he brought his pal who was 9 years older than me ( I was a young 29 ).
He had a DD, he was way too old and a little bit plump. There was nothing attractive about him at all!
We spent the weekend hanging around together but there was no romance whatsoever.
Roll forward 10 months later and the friend met up with Mr dodgy once again ( they continued to date) and I went along as she was bring her DD's.
I spent the weekend with Dh , ended up in bed together, moved in together 6 months later ( which meant me moving 8 hours drive from home), married within the year and DS was born the following year. That was 12 years ago.

AlfalfaMum Mon 03-Dec-12 18:58:48

So we're all agreed that very good looking men are rubbish, then wink grin

Ok, that was tongue in cheek, but there is a bit of a theme no? I wonder what it is, do they get all conceited from lots of girls fancying them, and decide they must be gods gift to womankind, and never need to actually make an effort?

DD1's dad thought he was amazing, he actually used to look in the mirror and say "I'm a fucking Adonis" hmm. He was a crap partner, and had an affair when she was a newborn then left.

WantSomethingNice Tue 04-Dec-12 13:46:57

Thank you Mu1berries smile I'm sure you will find someone lovey eventually, they do seem to actually exist! I'm as shock about this as anyone!

AlfalfaMum Sorry your 'Adonis' was crap too sad I saw my ex in our bathroom on our honeymoon 'admiring' himself before coming to bed, because of the bedroom/bathroom mirror situation. The bit of me that didn't think it was hysterical died slightly.

"good looking men are rubbish" <-- grin

Gay40 Tue 04-Dec-12 13:54:08

On the flip side I've found that quite a lot of very good looking and know it women are crap in bed.
The most attractive people I find are those who are good looking and don't know it, and those who don't really care whether other people find them good looking or not.

Gay40 Tue 04-Dec-12 13:55:13

I am still laughing at the thought of someone having the wrong shaped bush (WTF)

WantSomethingNice Tue 04-Dec-12 21:50:21

Wrong shaped bush? confused Oh my grin

Ok, one thing I do have to deal with is the SNORING. Oh my. He did say that he snored, and I brushed it off as it can't be that bad and it doesn't matter as I sleep like I'm dead.

It IS that bad.

Would earplugs be terribly rude? I'm knackered...

lookingfoxy Tue 04-Dec-12 22:25:45

No and get him to get some of those strips for his nose as well, my dp currently been in the spare room for months due to snoring, lack of sleep is the quickest route to resentment (and wanting to stove their skull in while their snoring) or is that just me grin

ClippedPhoenix Tue 04-Dec-12 22:32:52

Ugly men are ok for a while grin

lookingfoxy Tue 04-Dec-12 22:35:42

Oh and all my 'crushes' have grown as i've got to know someone and how great they are, not on the way they look.
My friends will always tell you I go for personality, NOT looks, but to me they're blooming gorgeous.
Current dp (mr snorey) is a good few inches shorter than me, rapidly balding, grey, 13 years older and bit of a belly.
Im 3 months pregnant and ecstatic to be with such great guy.
Oh and my bush is always the wrong shape lol.

OP - listen to me carefully.

Earplugs. Have. Saved. My. Marriage.

That is all. As you were.

TheSecondComing Tue 04-Dec-12 22:48:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piprabbit Tue 04-Dec-12 22:53:42

Tubbiness is not a reason to push someone into losing weight unless they really want to.

Snoring caused by tubbiness is a very good reason to lose a bit of weight.

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