Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Might this be nice? Or is it wrong?(83 Posts)
Namechanged for this, as I'm not sure if I am being nice or not.
I've been single for 18mths, dated a bit, but not really clicked with anyone, well, there was one but he was not really interested in a relationship, or seeing me more than every 3 weeks
But, one man, I met on the dating site 6mths ago. He's a lovely man, but I didn't feel the 'I fancy you' spark, so I friendzoned him. We still went out every couple of weeks to see a band or for a drink, he's been to my house (brought his guitar, we had the best night), and I to his lovely clean tidy but bohemian flat.
So the crux of it is, I slept with him last night. I still don't feel that mad insane lust spark, but he is such a lovely, lovely man. And it was great.
He's not conventionally attractive - and please don't flame me for being honest, this is what I am struggling with: He is short and quite overweight
as am I but and all my previous partners have been footballers quite attractive.
But I like his mind, he's doing a PhD, and we can talk for hours about everything. He likes the same films, music, tv, politics, lifestyle as me, and he really really likes me.
I need to lose some weight and have decided to join a gym - he's joining with me, I can't help thinking about how much nicer it will be when he is slimmer. I feel as shallow as a fucking teaspoon.
He's supposed to be coming over for dinner on Monday (we are both busy til then)
What do I DO?? Help me wise vipers.
Enjoy his company and see what happens next...
well, yes I have been so far. But I don't want to hurt him. He's very keen, and honest and sweet. Should I be honest with him? I was thinking of asking him if we can take it slow? But how does that work?
Why would you hurt him? Would you be using him? He sounds very nice. Do you want to sleep with him again? He might be hurt if you don't want to and I don't really see how you could be friends if you mean go out with him but not sleep with him when you already have. and you liked it.
You do sound a bit shallow as if you mean you are ashamed he isnt fit, and your friends see you- but if they mock as he isnt skinny and you take their side, he is better off without you. Maybe he has had a few too many nights in with a pie as he's been single?
You know, footballers when they retire ain't so hot sometimes, always on about the match and growing a beer belly. And thinking they are attractive to under 25's in clubs. You, on the other hand would be with someone who liked you for you, not what you look like, and really, that is much better
Give him a chance, it's early days and I guess he is finding his way with you too.
Just think about this if he were writing this about you....she's really nice but she's a bit overweight, etc etc, how would you feel?
Looks fade, friendship can last forever. You obviously feel something sexual for this man as you slept with him and you aren't saying it was a horrible mistake.
Take it slow, enjoy his company.....the best lovers are the ones that are great friends too
"I was thinking of asking him if we can take it slow? But how does that work?"
Be up front. For all you know he may be thinking exactly the same thing about you... 'not my usual type but any port in a storm'. Everyone's a grown-up.
@ too many nights in with a pie as he's been single
Sounds as if you've scoffed a few too many pies as well. Was the sex good? If so, a spark may ignite at some point.
I do want to sleep with him again, as I said it was really lovely.
Ashamed of him? No, my friends are all shapes and sizes and possibly much nicer than me
As I said, we are joining the gym together... But this makes me feel weird. My STBEx made me go to the gym and constantly criticised my weight. Am I projecting?
And yes, the
incredibly hot footballers are bloody dull and vacuous, and I don't want that ever again... I'm clear on that.
I wouldn't be surprised at anyone writing that about me, I'm fun but a bit fat. But I now he wouldn't, he says I'm beautiful
He's coming over to mine on Monday to watch a film. Normally it would just be a film, but now it is 'film and cuddle'. I like a cuddle and it's been ages since I had a nice one from someone who is actually interested.
Do I just go with it and make no promises?
What promises are you expected to make? You're adults meeting up by mutual consent and with mutual intent to please yourselves.
Just stay off the pies
Oh Cogito I'm glad you are here :D But he says (ok, he had had a few, and I was sober) that he might be in love with me and he thinks I'm beautiful. And he is a good honest man. This is why I am being so cautious
well I was till I boffed him last night
He knows EVERYTHING. About every date I've had in the last 6mths, as we were/are friends (this is why I also know he is a good guy, never slagged an ex off etc) and all of my
shady relationship history
izzy Deffo been at the pies We finally bonded over a post beer kebab last night... The sex WAS good. I wanna 'nother go...
Dont make any promises and be honest with him as he is with you.
You never know .....,,,
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Blimey he sounds lovely. If you chuck him out, send him my way will you? Love short, furry, affectionate, musical types with a GSOH... I bet you're still with him in 20 years time and I bet neither of you lose an ounce...
My gran once said to me, "always marry a man you can have a good conversation with, because when you're old and your body has seen better days, conversation is all you have".
I wasn't instantly attracted to my DP. He is the total opposite of what I "look for" in a man, but we went on a few dates and he was so sensitive & loving, and we can talk for hours and not get bored of each other.
A man that is trustworthy, loving and loves you for you is certainly worth giving it a chance. Stay honest with each other & time will tell if it's right or not. He sounds lovely
He sounds lovely and you didn't have beer goggles on, which is good. Take the compliments, as he clearly meant it, he might be the kind of guy who says I love you really easily which is better than some ice man who has to have a gun t his head.
What DVD are you going to watch? Or try to watch before christening the sofa? Is he bringing it, or pot luck on the telly? I bet you guys will have way to much fun together doing couple things you both like to make it to the gym ever.
He is lovely
I thought you were all going to flame me for being a horrible bitch.
As it is, I can't bloody wait til Monday
LavenderHoney I've got Ted on DVD, that we meant to go and see in the cinema, but never got round to. It's not terribly romantic is it? But the TV option is The Walking Dead... Maybe we are not terribly romantic
Your username is Wantsomethingnice
Sounds like you have it!
Enjoy it for what it is. If he wants to move things on then you can talk about it.
Personally, I think 'sparks' come in a variety of ways. Maybe you didn't get the instant butterflies but it could very well be that you have something very real and long-lasting instead. Plus the sex was good so it's a win-win!
Let yourself enjoy it!
You can't wait til Monday...there's your answer
I was not bowled over by DH when we first met.....it took a year for us to get together properly!
we've been together nigh on 20 years and now I STILL get a fluttery tummy sometimes when I look at him even though it wasn't like that to start with.
Sometimes things take time to grow - but sometimes it's worth it.
Have fun and see what happens.
Aw op, I like the term "slow burner". He sounds lovely. My wife is my best friend. She isn't my normal "type" either. All of my ex's were very different. But "ex" is the important word here. I never married any of them! We have been together five years, have two great children and are stupidly happy. She does my head in(two women with pmt at one time can be bad) but my god she makes me laugh and feel loved every single day. Let him break the mould and see how it looks. Goodluck!
Firstly - that is lovely to hear, Les. Particular when we all hear so many sad ad awful stories on here.
He sounds intelligent, good in bed and fun. I hope it works out for you. Good men are hard to find. Good-looking men are easy to find...they are the one walking down the street gazing at themselves in shop windows.....
If you are looking forward to seeing him again, for whatever reason, then this is a good sign. You don't have to make life changing decisions now, just enjoy this, don't lie about anything (you are not I know) and see where it goes, I think it may have legs and that you are already starting to see him differently (and if not, you can find that out later down the line).
Been in exactly the same dilema as you a long time ago, and I felt terrible about it too.
I subconciously changed my thinking because he was absolutely lovely - it was his mind that I loved and not his looks.
However, wasn't too long before I started to see beauty in his looks too, particularly his eyes, an expression, his lovely laugh.
I am quite tall, slim etc., he was just a smidge taller, and overweight with a terrible dress sense, but what a personality - intelligent, witty, never boring, just a lovely person. We just clicked/moulded. (Btw changed his dress sense).
He sounds absolutely lovely and I think you are a Very lucky girl.
I wish you luck but I don't think you'll need it x
Another lovely story, Keep. I was falling in love with him too from your description...
Be honest with him OP. Tell him you're enjoying his company but you're not sure you see the potential for a relationship.
Don't apologise for not finding him physically attractive, that may still come. You obviously find the 'man' attractive as you've slept with him.
My DP & I started off very much in the same way. I wasn't physically attracted to him but loved spending time with him (we were friends-part of a larger group) then one day bang, he was the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on...still is.
It can happen.
Just don't promise something you don't intend. Don't set out knowing you're waiting for something better because that is selfish & cruel.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.