Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bum/anal sex orgasms and feminism!

(63 Posts)
KoalaCakes Thu 15-Nov-12 17:23:44

I'm new here, what a great website!

Anyways, I'm not at all au fait with all the abbreviations so bear with me and any guidance appreciated smile

Right. Bum sex. Two issues. I have a newish bf who is bringing things out in me sexually even I'm surprised at...and I'm very experienced! We have discussed anal sex which has always been a big no-no for me as due to previous health issues I sometimes have enough trouble evacuating never mind letting the workers back in the building! Howeverrrrr, he has told me in great filthy detail about his experiences with an ex who he says used to come like a demon from it without any clit work. I think the fact that he's French/Dutch and tells me in 'that' accent really helps but I got soooo aroused when he detailed exactly what he'd like to do to me and how. We tried some anal play with lots of lube and a finger while i was busy at the front door with a certain R-rabbit and the orgasm was so intense but i was still aware that it was mainly the clitoral stimulation that was guiding the orgasm, and I'm still not 100% sure about letting him literally take the plunge without further research (practical and online!)

Anyways, It got me thinking: do women who have vaginal orgasms come easily from anal compared to those of us who dont? And what sort of quality are they??

My other issue is this. I'm a feminist, and the majority of threads i've read on forums re anal sex tend to be along the lines of 'doing it for him' or 'he initiated it first time'. I'd be very interested to hear if any women initiated it for themselves or do it selfishly (god forbid!) with partners who dont favour it that much.( i'm sure these men are out there!shock).

Have you considered discussing cake or wreath making for a first post?

Tip - Friday night is bumsex night so just stick around.

FlorentinePogen Thu 15-Nov-12 17:34:24

'KoalaCakes' may be a euphemism. There might also be a trip to Center Parcs in the offing.

Tally Ho ! wink

caramelwaffle Thu 15-Nov-12 17:39:32

Thank you for the reminder!

Opening Center Parcs website.

KoalaCakes Thu 15-Nov-12 17:40:13

Hahaha....couldn't make a wreath if I tried! That Center Parcs thread had me spraying coffee all over my keyboard!

caramelwaffle Thu 15-Nov-12 17:40:45

And that is NOT a euphemism

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 17:42:43

grin at letting the workers back in.

MrsWhoGivesaShit Thu 15-Nov-12 17:45:09

I LOVE anal sex, my Dh can take it or leave it. I am always the one to initiated it. He really is not that fussed by it, and if I never mentioned it again I don't think he would either! sad

With anal I do like to have clitoris stimulation, and I orgasm very hard and fast. It is VERY intense! much quicker and more intense then vaginally.

HTH grin

QueenofNightmares Thu 15-Nov-12 17:47:03

Not really an answer to your post but bumsex is a great laxative for me blush

WakeyCakey Thu 15-Nov-12 17:57:30

Glad to have been reminded of the centre parcs thread grin.
Personally I hate anal sex and it is a big No-No in our house.

DP wanted it until I cried when we tried blush. No-one wants to see that when they are enjoying something.

He's very happy now to go without but I would say give it a go, why not, and screw the feminist idea, I don't think that its anti-feminist to enjoy your sex life and if you enjoy it then you should go for it

KoalaCakes Thu 15-Nov-12 17:59:00

Looks like it works for MrsWhoGivesaShit too! Loving that name! And thanks for the reply. Where's that FrenchDutchman...?

MrsWhoGivesaShit Thu 15-Nov-12 18:02:54

ps. i find vibrations far TOOO orgasamy when having bum sex, so have to slow it down by just using fingers on clit! have fun with your frenchdutchman!

janelikesjam Thu 15-Nov-12 18:42:37

From a female point of view, I have no particular view as to what women do.

As regards feminism, I think it depends how the man approaches it, especially if its his idea (no pun intended).

But I think men who are rather too keen to try this early on in a relationship - in my opinion have issues around women. I don't know exactly what they are, but thats the impression I get. Its like the vagina is a waste of time for them hmm, too powerful, or too "feminine" which they can't connect to, or it feels too emotional, or means too much commitment, relationship.

Or else they are more interested in the dominance/degradation aspect associated with it, I think this is the feminist aspect, and though I open to persuasion I think there is some truth in this in such men's minds.

Also worth remembering, not done knowledgeably can cause nasty infections (in particular if followed by vaginal sex. The vagina is a biologically v. sensitive environment and very fussy about who it associates with.)

KoalaCakes Thu 15-Nov-12 18:58:24

Thats an interesting view janelikesjam, thanks. I wonder how much of this behaviour is leakage (sorry) from pornography and the subjugation of women depicted there.

WakeyCakey, I'm not suggesting it's anti-feminist to enjoy sex, was just considering the feminst approaches to anal sex as an act of domination. I'm very much a liberal feminist but as a feminist i can't stop thinking about power dynamics in more or less everything! Dont get me wrong, power can be a massive turn-on in the bedroom on both sides, I just have a personal interest in who's doing the driving in these interactions.

Why's it so difficult to avoid saucy methaphors talking about bum sex??!!

MrsWhoGivesaShit Thu 15-Nov-12 19:04:33

i love the feeling of being dominated. that i suppose is why bumsex appeals to me!

janelikesjam Thu 15-Nov-12 19:13:21

Yes Koala, I forgot to mention strong porn connection. So it also depends where he is in relation to that, and then how you feel about that.

Anyway, if its a newish boyfriend - my suggestion is to find out more about him and if you really like him and trust him. He tells you great details about his sexual relationships with exes hmm but I am wondering what was the rest of their relationship was like, who got rid of who and why.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 15-Nov-12 19:25:53

Good evening KoalaCakes, how frightfully nice to meet you.
Welcome to mumsnet.
May I just insert a note of caution?
Having observed with interest several bumsex threads, it has been brought to my attention that anyone who has health issues in that area, particularly involving difficulty of evacuation, should proceed with extreme caution.
This activity has very rarely been known to improve matters.

OhEmGee25 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:41:02

FairPlay to you all! I'm no prude but the idea of bumsex just does not appeal in the slightest. The thought of the love of my life putting his wang in my poo exit just bleughh! Thankfully he agrees blush

joblot Thu 15-Nov-12 19:48:20

I'm more yuck at the fact he discussed his sex life with an ex with you...

That would kill passion for me. Am I normal?

joblot Thu 15-Nov-12 19:49:29

And if you go for it, make sure your bowel's empty first. Hth

OhEmGee25 Thu 15-Nov-12 20:22:41

Defo joblot. If my dp told me all the gory details of sex with his ex I would go ape!

joblot Thu 15-Nov-12 20:27:34

Thanks omg. Wondered if it was just me

kittybiscuits Thu 15-Nov-12 20:27:37

It seems like Thursday is the new Friday! Great first thread OP grin

ElectricSoftParade Thu 15-Nov-12 20:37:35

My first bumsex post! This has intrigued me after reading other threads: how on earth do you empty your bowels first? Because, if I were to do it ever, I would need to do it at approx 6.30am <very regular>. It just makes my mind confused.

I don't fancy it now and I wouldn't fancy it then.

louiswalshizzcloset Thu 15-Nov-12 20:37:43

Agree with bewitched If you have problems evacuating, bumsex is not going to help. The first time I did it I couldn't poo for three days. blush

Laquitar Thu 15-Nov-12 20:50:06

Wow! You picked up the vocaburary very quickly for someone new here!

And its not that shocking subject considering you are experienced wink

I love bumsex. You could always get a strap on and bum him too, can't get more equal than that.

NettleTea Thu 15-Nov-12 21:12:59

Oh yes AKiss I think the strap on idea is excellent and he should definately be prepared to 'surrender' first. If he aint willing to take it, he shouldnt be pushing to give it, especially as we come equipped with the perfect set up for sexual encounters.

IME men like receiving bumsex just as much as they like giving.

Punkatheart Thu 15-Nov-12 21:39:25

Suddenly I feel young and innocent.

I am neither.

Not for me. Hits a bum note.

KoalaCakes Thu 15-Nov-12 22:05:09

Oh he'd love me to bum him! Used to stick things up his own poop-shute for increased masturbatory pleasure. I've told him to buy me a strap-on (we do live in Amsterdam after all!).

In response to earlier themes in this thread, his love of giving anal did come from watching porn videos when he was growing up in the 80s. He says it was a direct influence, he wouldn't have even considered going for the chocolate starfish otherwise.

ethelb Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:57

French/Dutch. Is he just Belgian.

AgathaF Thu 15-Nov-12 22:36:07

Interesting first post hmm

I'm glad I read this thread - I was feeling a little nauseous before but I think if I run I'll just make it to the dunny in ti......................

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 15-Nov-12 22:54:14

Re the feminist thing... I have a male friend (not a euphemism, it IS a male friend I have known for years) and I know he likes it and I asked why, this is what he said:

'Because it's naughty, dirty and gives me a feeling of power. Plus it's tight and my cock looks great going in and out'.

Yuck, at the sentiments if not the act.

And it's become much more mainstream because of porn.

FastLoris Thu 15-Nov-12 23:02:05

Aside from the warnings about health issues in that respect, which you either have or don't - isn't the obvious answer to your question to try it and see?

It's not like you're signing up to a lifetime contract or anything. If you try it and it's not your cup of hot chocolate, you stop and don't do it again.

Although I have to say it sounds like he's well and truly got your number with the continental sexy talk.

MrsWhoGivesaShit Thu 15-Nov-12 23:59:43

ohh! my dh wont let me do him with a strap on! sad

I love looking at pics of my dhs cock in my arse, it does look great!

Punkatheart Fri 16-Nov-12 00:20:43

But you are called BadgersBottom...does that it can't possibly.

Please don't spell it out in black and white.

Why does this thread make me feel all silly and schoolgirlish?

cronullansw Fri 16-Nov-12 21:33:58

I don't think it has become mainstream solely because of porn......

The Greeks were using it as the primary contraception method over 2,000 years ago apparently. In British brothels during the Victorian ear it was known as 'Greek', and the girls charged extra because it was so popular.

A pal who used to visit Germany for work in the 60's used to tell me how sex hungry the German girls were, (his words not mine) and 'they all want it in their arse, all of 'em'.

So yeah, blame porn, definitely.

Whatnowffs Fri 16-Nov-12 21:43:37

I really like it, it does make my orgasm more intense althouh i can't come without clitoral stimulation. My DP likes it too (a finger up the bum)

Whatnowffs Fri 16-Nov-12 21:45:03

could we posssibly do without all the crudeness though confused

Whatnowffs Fri 16-Nov-12 21:51:36

I like bumsex because it feels bloody great, however i do like the "slutty" feeling of it too. I like porn but i actually don't like porn with bumsex in it, nothing against it just doesn't do it for me.

Is it a feminist issue? not for me it isn't because it isn't something i would do outside of a loving relationship and i'd only ever do it if I wanted to. That counts for pretty much anything sexual though.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 16-Nov-12 22:09:36

OK some feminists think that anything goes, sexually and some feminists think that a Proper Feminist wouldn't have any kind of sex with men at all. So you can like bumsex as a recipient and not have to give up your career, or the right to vote/drive/go out unaccompanied. Etc.

The truths about bumsex are,
The pleasure is physical, if you like it, if you are on the recieving end, completely irrespective of whether you are male or female....
If you are on the administering end, the pleasure is psychological and physical if you are male, and much more psychological than physical if you're female.

Not everyone likes bumsex. Some people like it more from one end than from the other, some are repulsed by the idea and some are happy whichever end of the pole they are on.

I personally like administering, but have never fancied being the pillowbiter.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 16-Nov-12 22:13:27

OH, and also: Having seen something in porn and been turned on by it enough to want to try it out doesn't make a man a woman-hating arsehole. Asking a partner, politely, if s/he would like to participate in a particular act, is not wicked, as long as a refusal is accepted with good grace and, if it's something that might be uncomfortable or complicated, as 'yes' is treated with respect and the act engaged in with care and attention. PIV, oral sex, even kissing, can be unpleasant and abusive acts if they are done maliciously by unpleasant people. Bumsex and BDSM can be thoroughly enjoyable, if they work for you and if you are doing them with someone who is a decent human being who turns you on.

rhondajean Fri 16-Nov-12 22:42:15

Hear hear sgb.

KoalaCakes Fri 16-Nov-12 22:58:34

All this bumsex talk has got me going. I'd like to say the Frenchdutchman's getting the lot tonight but the fuckers given me a water infection with his over amorous front door slamming so it looks like I'll just have to punish him with a blow job. I'll keep y'all updated on any bumsex progression but at the moment my undercarriage needs a complete rest! Cycling all over this pretty city doent help...

KoalaCakes Fri 16-Nov-12 23:00:14

Just occurred to me that not eveyone might want that. I bet MrsWhoGivesAShit there's a woman in charge of her sexuality!

usualsuspect3 Fri 16-Nov-12 23:00:30


Whatnowffs Sat 17-Nov-12 10:50:56

what publication do you usually write for OP? as entertaining as it is (without the crudness) you do not come across as a niave newbie - i hope you had a fun night though.

Punkatheart Sat 17-Nov-12 13:46:01

You are spot on, What. This is either a teenager getting his kicks or a journalist.

GrimAndHumourless Sat 17-Nov-12 14:51:18

oh dear

I am sorry your euphemisms are not flourishing, sadface

Gay40 Sat 17-Nov-12 15:21:24

The feminist issues with anal sex never really occurred to me. Maybe because I only have sex with women.
And bloody marvellous it is too, whichever role you find yourself in.

Monkeytrewsers Sat 17-Nov-12 15:27:05

A colleague of mine did his PhD thesis about the female orgasm. Many mumsnetters contributed!

strumpetpumpkin Sat 17-Nov-12 15:29:28

love bumsex, its probably my favourite type of sex of all, but discussing the details of his sex with an ex in an attempt to get me to try something new, really wouldnt work for me.

Not everyone likes it. If you want to try it, then do, but dont feel pressurised into it because his ex did it. Thats really insensitive of him imo

strumpetpumpkin Sat 17-Nov-12 15:30:45

and certainly dont make up your sex rules by what you think feminists would like.

Feminists like as much kinky shit as anyone else im sure

MrsWhoGivesaShit Sat 17-Nov-12 19:48:45

i did indeed KoalaCakes! rest your pounded undercarriage, and when you are ready dont forget to come back and tell us me all about it!

CindySherman Sat 17-Nov-12 19:50:48

grin @ OP Who said romance was dead!

KoalaCakes Wed 21-Nov-12 22:12:57

Ok. some points to clarfiy!

1. I'm very liberal sexually and done in the right context hearing about my lovers previous sex experiences can be very erotic for me! He's certainly not pressurising me.

2. I am neither a teenager or a journalist. And whereas I am a 'newbie' I am most certainly not niave (and am a little confused as to why niavity should be presumed because I'm new to the site!). I'm a 44 yr old woman with a Masters in Gender & Sexuality and hence find all aspects of this fascinating perhaps on levels that most people may not. I'm just grateful for places like this where I can talk to other women about something thats becoming a consideration for my own sex life. As a feminist I look at things through that lens, it has never restricted my practices. Huge differences between liberal and radical feminism..rads dont do much for women at all!

Thanks to all for your positive comments on this thread. Sorry if it got a bit racy for some (am I?), but look around...its lame by some standards!

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 21-Nov-12 22:32:33

COming back to this thread (er, so to speak) I don't get why mentioning that a previous sexual partner liked something, or did something particularly good, is such a bad idea. Unless you are a couple of virgins, you know the other person's had sex with people before you, and what's wrong with that?

KoalaCakes Wed 21-Nov-12 22:38:19

Indeed SolidGold. Some folk just get alittle freaky about that. It's not like he's comparing me or using ex's to pressure me. And I LOVE hearing him talk about it in his filthy European accent! Believe me, if I didnt have the health problrm it'd be 'job done' by now ('scuse the pun!)

HappyGirlNow Thu 22-Nov-12 17:43:19

Koala are you actually Sid James? grin

KoalaCakes Thu 22-Nov-12 19:49:58

HappyGirlNow, I was raised on a healthy diet of Carry-On and regretfully Benny Hill (hated it!), and Kenny Everett was definatly a bad influence!wink

HappyGirlNow Thu 22-Nov-12 22:38:02

grin I thought as much! grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now