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What does your dh/p do for you? How does he make you feel loved?(66 Posts)
had an odd conversation with my counsellor. Get the impression she thinks I have high standards in this respect
So it would be interesting to hear others pov
he tells me he loves me, he shows me all the time. He always puts me first, makes me feel desired and cherished, supported and that im the most important thing to him. I dont know how, he just does. I do the same to him
Interesting question as it's hard to answer. A lot of it is how he treats me. He respects me, my position, my entire being as a person, a woman, a mum, a wife. He doesn't see me as exclusively one of the above, but a combination of all.
I started trying to write a list, but I think actually the things he does for me are mostly also the things I do for him. So they are not things that get done to me as a passive recipient IYSWIM.
We are kind to each other. We tell each other we love each other, and kiss/hug all the time. We try to keep each other entertained, we talk all the time about everything and work out problems together. We will pull each other out of a rut or a grump and enforce a bit of going out and socialising when it's needed - and we also leave each other alone with a big bar of chocolate/dragon-killing game when it's needed. We can deal with each other's bad traits (grumpiness in his case, anxiety in mine) without it being the end of the world. When one of us is tired or down the other one will naturally take on more of the chores - he is especially good at doing shopping when I really don't want to, it's my most hated chore.
The only thing I can think of that's a thing he does for me in isolation is that he brings me flowers from time to time for no reason - totally cliched, but I love it, I'm a simple soul!
Shows me respect. Never nags me. Tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me every day. Wants to be with me. Does little things, like buy me flowers, for no reason at all. Does his share.
And I do the same for him.
I am very lucky.
Thinking about it, even the flowers has an equal opposite because I make him cakes as a surprise from time to time. He thinks this basically makes me a wizard.
Is there a list? Can you share it op?
My dh is lovely he buys flowers, tells me everyday he loves me, works hard and all money is spent in the kids and me rest saved for family. He puts me first and is kind, listens, backs me up with mil always
He never shouts back ( I am a bt shouty) and we try to make each others live happy. I waited a long time for him to come along and I am glad I did. I gave up someone for him whom I thought I loved but I see in times of stress and pressure my dh comes out on top. Might not be as rich and living like i would have been but the support and love we have for each other outweighs that.
Plus he always thinks I look wonderful. I never miss a chance to tell him how handsome he is or what a great dad he is.
I hope nothing horrible happens to us now. I don't want to attract the attention of pride before a fall. I am not smug though. You never know what is round the corner.
Mine's just a boyfriend but I realised recently that he never contradicts me.... always supportive, whatever I do. Very devoted. The reason I realised this only recently is that he made a remark that wasn't 100% agreement ... questioned my judgement, would you believe!!!.... and I had to stop and think for a second. He happened to be right, but it was notable for being unusual.
With me, it's me making scones and cakes too, Mulled.
He treats me as a partner in our life together, he makes me a cup of tea in the morning, pulls his weight around e house, cherishes me, thinks I am beautiful (I'm not), looks after me when I am exhausted, cheers me up, talks to me. Treats me with respect I suppose, and I do the same for him (and do cakes too)
Also is a great and hands on dad. I do feel very lucky.
He's very kind, extremely thoughtful - remembers things I tell him, knows exactly what I like, thinks of others always. He puts me first, even when I don't want him to - eg little things like offering to pick me up when I could easily get the bus, says he really wants to watch certain films with me even though I know he's lying and not interested in them. He'll stand with me for ages watching birds and animals when we go out for walks, because I love them. He tells me he loves me, compliments me, surprises me with silly presents/flowers occasionally, gives me a massage whenever I ask. Treats me as an equal - does all the stuff round the house and in terms of organizing our lives that I do.
I do all those things, or similar, for him too, so it's give and take really.
That all sounds a bit smug reading it back. But you didn't ask us to list the bad bits
Brings me tea in bed, gets up in the night with our children, cooks a mean Sunday roast. Buys me flowers, and diamonds when the occasion demands it
Works hard for our family and is totally open and sharing with his earnings, which he considers our money.
Tells me I am beautiful.
Respects me, loves me and comforts me.
He was an absolute rock when I had PND.
He is a lovely Dad to our boys, despite having had a shit example from FIL.
Yes he can be a bit of a grumpy bugger at times, but then can't we all? He spends too long fiddling with gadgets, and has dreadful taste in films
Tells me he loves me every day
Takes an equal share of tasks around the house
Is generous and kind (but that's not just with me)
Makes me laugh
Puts up with my moodiness
He never bloody buys me flowers though!
Brings me coffee in bed every morning while he gets up with DS.
Always tells me how great I look.
Gets up with DS (no reason why he shouldn't, as we both work outside the home, but I am heavily pregnant and exhausted. I know that DP is knackered too, he is a light sleeper and wakes up every time I go to the loo, but he never complains).
Puts me and DS first.
(Yes we have our moments and both have plenty of faults, but for me the coffee in bed each day reminds me how much he cares )
By 'gets up with DS' I mean he always gets up with him in the night to settle him, as well as getting up when DS thinks 6am is an appropriate time to start the day.
Hard to quantify but I suppose the clincher is that just about everything he does is for me & our DC.
And he makes me feel loved by always treating me in a way that makes it obvious that he does And never acts as if he doesn't!
Oh God its hard to explain - we've been together for 20 years and I know, like really know that he would drop everything if I told him I needed him without even asking why. I know I'm the most important thing in his life, I don't know how I know but I do
We don't do flowers or anything like that but he does buy me sneaky tops from H&M and silly thing Curly Wurlys.
silly things like Curly Wurlys Curly Wurlys isn't a term of endearment!
What's a 'sneaky top'? I want one
Everything I want and need really.
Jobs round the house are done without mentioning it. I work on a rota and can come home on a Sunday late afternoon and all the bedding is washed and put back on, big shop done, uniforms washed ironed and hanging up,dinner cooked and the boys homework done.
If I am on a late I always get a brew in bed!
We go out a lot as a family for meals and have fun.
We make plans together for holidays, concerts, theatre trips etc.
He backs me up when I am having a fall out with the boys and if they are being disrespectful to me he makes sure they no they are and have to apologize.
He is incredibly generous with money and makes sure I get anything that I want.
We snuggle up everynight we are together and chat about the day.
He knows when to back off when I am feeling grumpy.
We have been together for 22 years and have had some rough years (financally) I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
This is a good exercise - I usually spend most of my time feeling down about what DH doesn't do (i.e. tell me he loves me, show any inclination towards physical intimacy, want to spend any quality time with me, show kindness and emotional support when my mental health is bad)
But he does:
back me up in parenting matters
ask and respect my opinion with regards to bringing up DD
tell me I look better now I've lost weight (I'd prefer he didn't do this with emphasis on pointing out how horrible I looked before hmm but still...)
tell other people he's proud of me (was news to me when I was told this by my sil, but it was nice to hear all the same)
Loads the dishwasher and cleans down the surfaces of a night
Does the bins
gives me the opportunity to have time to myself and pursue interests some of the time, and sometimes gives me encouragement with these things
talk to me about what is going on for him if I ask (most of the time)
give consideration to things I say to him
instigate hugs now and again (only once in a blue moon, but it's more than before)
Sure there must be other things...
Tells me he loves me (approx 3 times per day, maybe more?)
Runs me a bath if I mention I fancy a bath
Does his share of parenting
Compliments me on how I look
Is nice to my family
Works hard to earn money for our family (as do I)
Brags about/bores others about any of my personal successes
HOwever he does not buy me 'sneaky tops' - wow!
He's not very romantic, doesn't buy me flowers, hardly ever says I love you and so on. And sex is a bit hit and miss (IFYSWIM) But when our grandchildren needed to come and live with us (actually his step-grandchildren) otherwise they'd have gone into care he didn't bat an eyelid. Just said yes. It was as much for me as for the kids. And he's utterly committed to them. He's brought my son up as though he was his own. And when I need to work odd hours he takes time off if needed. And he never minds if I want to go out with friends. And he likes and gets on with my friends and their partners. And he offers to drive if I fancy a drink. And I'd trust him with my life. And he's utterly loyal and faithful
And he bought me my first ever horse of my own two years ago
badtasteflump you know something you can't really afford that month, or a different colour in a top you already have but love- or something you really don't have that much use for but is very shiny and pretty or has a reindeer on it . Can also be used in context of a sneaky bottle of wine/takeaway etc We use it a lot in our house!
Alibaba, I think we are married to same man! All you said plus he has really good taste in clothes and has bought ne some lovely stuff. Just going through a miscarriage and he has been an absolute rock.
It's SO nice reading about all these lovely, kind, generous partners. Kindness and unselfishness seems to be the thing we all appreciate most...but am also v jealous of the horse
Makes me a cup of tea every morning.
Tells me I'm beautiful - there's 5st more of me to be beautiful these days!
Cleans' the litter tray.
It's the small things...
50balesof hay, you certainly deserve a man like that! Bit tearful now
I would like to be brought tea in bed though. I get up first so it doesn't happen, i suppose I could take him coffee in bed though...
Sneaky top sounds lovely
At the moment he does everything ! I am stuck on sofa with broken leg for next fortnight minimum which was caused entirely by my own complacency . He has had to get me and my car back from hospital , which is quite a distance away . Has had to do all the picking up and dropping off for the 5 kids , who all have various commitments . Done all the school runs, all the cooking , organised the kids to do additional chores so I don't sit on the sofa and fret at an increasing amount of crap everywhere (for which I have previous) , fetched and carried , and not complained once . In fact , he said 'well you looked after me , now it's my turn '
Bless his heart . And the rest.
Oh and he didn't complain when we spent some of his retirement money on a new stable yard . And he too bought my big horse for my birthday . Bless .
DH has always supported me in my ambitions, regardless of how much or little they'd contribute financially to the household. He's been happy to take the full responsibility of earning for the household for the past 12 years, so I could be a sahm, focus on my PhD and pursue my interests. He's totally open with sharing money, he doesn't question any of my purchases at all (not even the lovely new iPad I treated myself to last month!). He's saved up a nest egg for DS who isn't his child, but who he treats as his own.
He knows I can't stand housework or laundry, so is happy to get a cleaner in to do it. He probably contributes more to the household in terms of organising and tidying than I do.
He's enthusiastic about attending performances and shows that I'm involved in, and treats my hobbies/voluntary work as seriously as his own work.
He's always up for sex, no matter how tired or stressed he is. He knows I don't like soppiness or flowers, so doesn't do any of that stuff. But I always get a good seeing to when I want it!
This thread makes me my dh doesnt do most of these things, and im getting a very slow realisation
He sees us as a team and never begrudges having to contribute. He doesn't think to do certain things (eg. laundry) but I had a tummy bug recently when 38 weeks pregnant and I threw up all over the bathroom. I woke him up because I couldn't handle it myself. He put the bathmat and my dressing gown in the wash, made me a sweet tea without milk, gave me a hug and held me until I fell asleep. The next day he texted regularly to check how I was doing. It would never occur to him that this was nice of him, he just sees it as doing what was needed to ensure the team was doing as best it could.
My ex would have complained, made me feel guilty then told everyone about it endlessly to prove what a good man he was. He'd then remind me of it later if I had the audacity to ruin his weekend by asking him to mow the lawn and say it was hard being with someone so ungrateful.
Gosh I really don't know where to start, he's just so giving, respectful, honest and demonstrates his love in so many ways, (we found each other this year and so do not live together). I appreciate all the little things he does, makes bread and brings it over, little gifts, listens, supportive, he's very good at communicating emotions, massages, making love/sex is fantastic (both have high drives). I could spend all the time in the world with him (and our 3 dc's from our ex's).
Everyday I give thanks that I am with such a good man.
Oh moss I was on a thread of yours a few weeks ago, have things not improved?
He still calls me the nickname he used on our first 'date'
Nothing special just Blue-eyes. Everytime he calls me this I melt a little for him.
He doesn't always put me first and is sickeningly sarcastic but he knows when all I need is a cuddle and a cuppa.
He brings me a cup of tea in the mornings, will always pick me up to save me getting the bus, helps out with housework without protest, goes out of his way to cook me gorgeous meals, really listens to me and gives good advice as opposed to just giving lip service, supports me in my hobbies and interests, phones me several times throughout the day to make sure I'm ok, works hard, looks after me when I'm ill, is secure in our relationship so is never jealous of me spending time with friends, buys and makes me thoughtful presents, tells me he loves me every day, gives me compliments, is a selfless lover, never snaps at me, is patient when I have PMT, never "expects" me to do anything for him, always shows gratitude when I do, has never taken the piss with money / other liberties, is faithful, loyal, communicates with me, let's me hog the bed!
He remembers to buy my vienetta.
alibaba I've just put a thread on OTBT if you want to join me
I was away last night on business up and up at 5am today with a full on physical day on a construction site. I left London at 4pm tonight and drove home, arriving 4 hours later.
He opened the door, got my bags and told me my mission, should I choose to accept it was to drop my bags, go upstairs and get in the bath, which was hot with little tea lights lit around it and a glass of chilled Chablis on the side and when I had relaxed, tea would be served (which was gorgeous).
I fall in love with him every time I see him.
These are making me cry.
He roars with laughter at my jokes - proper full bellied guffaws.
Tells me he loves me (the telling is important)
Holds my hand in public/strokes me when we're in company (not in a rude way!)
Cooks me such delicious food that I overlook that the kitchen resembles a bombsite afterwards.
Treats his SD with love and tenderness.
Makes me come.
wow, after a crap relationship I did not believe these kind of relationships existed!
why making you cry, op?x
He trusts me and I trust him and we give each other space.
We also have a cuddle every night and the last thing he says is I love you and the first thing he says is I love you. Not sure I always do.
He doesn't buy me flowers, he doesn't buy me presents (much), he moans a lot and complains about the state of the house, he tells me I've got fat, that I'm going round the eyes, that I'm a pain in the bum, that I'm talking rubbish, that I;ve said the same thing four times, that my children are difficult.
I tell him a lot to stop moaning but he keeps coming home, we still love each other, we know each other inside out and after 25 years if anyone wants to slag him off - *fight, fight, fight* in the words of Harry Hill.
What a lovely thread.
might email it to my DH for inspiration
He gets up with ds2 almost every morning and never complains about being made to sleep on the sofa- even if he's been kicked out of bed to do it. I have insomnia and he has always treated me (and it) with understanding (has never indulged in competitive tiredness).
And sometimes, when I'm waffling on about crap he'll just look at me like I'm the best thing since sliced bread and say 'I do love you so much, you know.'
He does lots of other things (which is why his gonads are still in place after forgetting my birthday) but these two sprang to mind immediately.
Tells me me loves me every morning and every night, tells me I am gorgeous, makes it very obvious he still fancies me (as I do him) after 25 years of being married and treats me as a complete equal. We are a real team.
oh bugger I've just realised I'm with the wrong man.
Crying because some of these are lovely, heartwarming
But also because I would like to be able to talk about my dh like this
This week, he delayed going to work to shovel up all the dog mess left by local strays at the front of my house. I offered to stay myself and do it, but he said no, it was no bother for him. And meant it.
he is always keen to talk about nothing with me. And randomly kisses me in coffee shops.
Loads of silly little things like getting me chocolate when I'm
'on' and remembering to record my favourite programmes!
The most lovely thing he has done recently though was when I was offered a one off singing lesson with a singer I had admired for a long time (a friend of a friend). I was humming and haing about if I should take up the offer or not as we didn't have much money for the train fare, I probably wouldn't be able to pick DS up from nursery and didn't know anyone else who could......... The moment I mentioned it to him he said "Just go. Don't worry about money or DS we'll sort it."
He was WONDERFUL - in the end my parents paid the train fare for me, but DH booked a day working at home so he was free to pick up DS, helped me sort out my route to get there, put up with my nerves beforehand and listened to me blathering on non stop for a week afterwards about what a great experience it was!!
And all this from an Aspie which makes it all the more special!
He left his family and his huge circle of friends on the other side of the world so that I could be close to mine.
He does all the same housework that I do and doesn't need to be nagged or asked or reminded.
He tells me he loves me.
He makes me laugh and cheers me up. Is always able to improve my mood.
He never, ever sulks and doesn't hold grudges. An ex of mine showed me how important this one was.
He loves our DC - parents them equally (was a SAHD for a while) and showers them both with kisses. He gets up in the night for them just as much as I do.
He offers to run me baths. He cooks dinner.
He has been a complete rock for me during a difficult time recently, and 100% supported my decisions, even though some of them make life (temporarily) more difficult for us.
He splits weekend lie-ins with me.
Boyfriend not partner, but...
Gets up first and makes me coffee every time I stay at his and I'm not up before him for work.
Makes me breakfast in bed, even when I say I'm not hungry he'll leave it on the side and tell me there's no pressure to eat it.
Cooks for me, goes out to veggie deli's to buy me something nice even though he isn't veggie. Recreates soups I've liked when we've been out and surprised me with it.
Buys my favourite beer.
Picks me up when I could get the bus.
Has endless patience for my very high maintenance DD and will play and draw with her for hours and makes up all kinds of games with her.
Knows I don't like bought flowers because they are a waste, they die, and I prefer them in the ground so takes photos of wild ones and sends me them instead.
Sends me photos of the sunset/wildlife/nice things all the time.
Buys me random gifts that don't make me cringe.
Is really affectionate.
Gives good advice.
Texts all the time.
Never raises his voice. When we have a rare disagreement and I start to raise mine he questions me and reminds me to discuss it. I've never experienced anything so calm and it's great for me.
Knows I hate making decisions and doesn't pressure me too but always gives me the option to.
Is super organised (opposite to me) and never complains about being left to book everything and look up timetables and alternative plans etc but is also really laid back and will go along with anything.
Is very generous. We've never counted who owes what, just whoever pays first. Didn't bat an eye lid when I was unexpectedly skint recently and he has to pay for everything, including things for my daughter for a period even though we don't live together.
Never complained about being bored even if we have a rare night in. He's just naturally positive about everything.
Will often remark on something I've mentioned in passing a while a go, that I was worried about, and he's come up with loads of solutions and ideas which shows he listens to what I said and thinks about it.
Is extremely political and opinionated but the most open minded, non judgemental person I've ever discussed anything with.
Just, everything really.
I think this kind of post is really good anti dote to all the stories of abuse that goes on (and that most of use have experienced at some point).
He sound like a keeper, Dave.
So is this shedding any light on what your counsellor said, Petershadow (if you don't mind my asking)?
He tells me every day that he loves me
More than that, he shows me.
He rubs my back when I have period pains, with a Lush bar (that I know he doesn't like the smell of) because he know it's the only thing that helps.
He makes awesome cheese on toast (with a secret ingredient!)
He understands about needing more than one handbag (and bought me the one I longed for)
He cried throughout our wedding and had to stop halfway through his speech to hug me.
He adores and understands my teenage DDs (his SDDs) and is a constant cheerleader for them.
He knows that sometimes I want to listen to songs that make me cry and he says nothing and just holds my hand and passes tissues.
He never shouts (but understands that sometimes I do).
He cares about the wider world.
He believes in me and encourages me to follow my dreams (sorry that sounds naff but he does!)
He says that nothing in the world is better than having an evening on the sofa nattering to me.
His love, respect and support made me finally realise that I'm not a crap person.
His love has made me start to believe in myself.
Mulledwine- if I wrote down all the things dh says, it might look ok. But what he actually does and how I feel is a different matter
Does she think you have unrealistic expectations in his doing rather than saying? Do you feel pacified with talk but there is no action, iykwim?
It's not all honeydew, it's mostly just the bread and butter of daily life.
Do you feel the same about your dh, do you do things so he feels cared for and loved, or are you waiting for him? It's give and take, isn't it?
Today dh had cooked and dinner was on the table for me and the dc but he also forgot totally to sort out some personal admin he said he wold take care of, so I just praised the dinner and made a mental note tomorrow we will do the admin. I could have got annoyed as it was urgent, but choose not to. We all make mistakes.
It depends really on if you want to be with them and be happy. You both have a choice to work at it til it's second nature.
He scratches my back every night before I go to sleep, and nibbles his nails so that they're extra scratchy for me.
He runs me lovely baths with candles and music if he knows I'm a bit wound up.
He can make a delicious meal out of anything, and cooks for us all regularly.
He thinks of the most amazing things for gifts, and last Christmas, he made me a treasure trail in the house with brilliant clues that took me hours to solve.
He loves me despite my many flaws, and is always telling me I'm beautiful (I'm not).
He is a genuinely decent, kind, and special man, and I've waited a long time to find him.
She didn't actually say my expectations were too high, but she said I did have high expectations, but suggesting this was bound to be the case after discussing how selfless the men in my family are and how much they do without asking or moaning
DH constantly tells me he loves me, he thanks me for everything I do for him.
But I honestly think he does it, because he is trying. because we have talked about how unappreciated I feel, and fair play, he has taken this on board.
I think he is naturally pessimistic. It doesn't come naturally to him
Does this make a difference?
He huffs and puffs and moans a lot about stuff
Sometimes he doesn't see DS during the week, but he doesn't jump up on a Sat morning and enjoy time with him
There's so much more to this, but I can't quite find the words atm!
Wish my husband was like this makes me feel really sad as I know my relationship is crap, I get no respect for what I do, I'm expected to do all the housework/childcare and work part time as a nurse so long shifts and this is still not good enough because I don't work enough hours.
Can't remember the last time I got any flowers, oh yes I do I got my car washed instead of flowers last week very romantic. Everything is split even though I work part time.
Have to nag him to give the children attention as he is more bothered going on ebay. I could go on.......
Keep hold of those men Ladies.
I think it does make a difference peters, negativity and pessimism are hard to deal with, and ime, if you're a positive person, the 'other side' is extremely challenging to live with.
I'm not bothered about flowers or presents though, being shown you're loved in other ways is far more important.
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