Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Partner Videoing Women

(50 Posts)
NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:16:34

Im 32 my partner is 41. Been together 8 years and we have a 2 yr old daughter together.
My partner has cheated on me twice.... once when he said he needed space and I moved back to my mothers for a year. He started having a relationship with his ex... got her pregnant and took her on holiday. She had a termination and it ended...we finally got back together and tried to put it behind us.. Then when I thought everything was back on track we decided to try for a baby...which we were blessed with... a couple of weeks after the baby was born he started acting strange...I asked him if anything was wrong but he denyed it but kept acting I check his phone... He was having an emotional affair with another woman at his work and they had kissed... I blew up.... but because I had a newborn to look after she was my main priority...we worked it out. I still havent forgiven him but Im trying to work it through.

That was 2 yrs ago... he has started acting odd again... so I decided to look at his phone. I can only access his photos and videos so I took a look. (Yes I know its bad to look through his phone but he is hardly going to tell me the truth if he is up to something). Anyway... at first I found that he has started to take videos of women walking around outside of his office. He videos them walking around in their shoes... high heels only. I waited a week and I check them again...this time he has video'd up a womans skirt.
I dont know whats wrong with me, I know this is disgusting and wrong but something isnt letting me feel anything about it. I dont feel angry, I dont feel upset, I just feel irked out. Why am I feeling like this?
Also, Im currently 5 weeks pregnant. We have also suffered three pretty horrendous miscarriages this year.
Im really confused about myself and him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:22:21

"Why am I feeling like this?"...

Because, in the process of 'putting it behind you' and 'working it out', you've suppressed your real feelings for so long that you no longer react normally. You are desensitised to his infidelity and lies. You expect betrayal. You may even believe that you don't deserve any better. In that respect, he has successfully manipulated you into accepting any kind of bad behaviour he throws at you.

Even if you feel nothing, ask him to leave. He is a malevolent influence on your life and I think the only way you'll ever recover some normal feelings of self-esteem and self-worth are if you get rid.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:24:37

Easier said than done. I am currently 5 weeks pregnant with a daughter. I dont have any family or friends around me... I dont have any money as I am a housewife. I am literally in a no win situation. Im literally stuck where I am.

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 15-Nov-12 10:25:16

Oh OP what cogito says is true.

Also, he is secretly filming women, without their knowledge/permission? That's just horrendous and shows no respect, a complete lack of boundaries. This man sounds pretty toxic.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:27:05

I just dont understand. He is really intelligent, funny, very good looking, earns alot of money...and he chooses to video women???!?!?!!? The fact he tried to video up a womans skirt just sickens me.

CindySherman Thu 15-Nov-12 10:31:32

It sickens you because it is sick!
He sounds predatory and disgusting. I honestly don't know how you could get past something do horrific and quite frankly, illegal.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:31:59

I would hand his phone to the nearest police station, and how did you find out the sex of the baby at 5 weeks, they must have made some great strides lately.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:32:27

Of course it's easier said than done but it can be done. Him leaving can be a temporary measure initially. Getting him out of your home and out of your hair will give you the time and space to think properly, probably for the first time in the whole eight years. Get some advice on practical and financial matters from places like CAB or even a solicitor and you'll find you are not as reliant on him as you seem to think. A man that 'earns a lot of money' just pays 'a lot of maintenance' to the children he leaves behind... and that's all he's really good for.

Do nothing... which seems to be your answer at the moment.... and all you're doing is condoning his behaviour and keeping yourself trapped with this miserable, unfaithful, untrustworthy excuse of a human being. You may not think you deserve better than that but of course you do.

perceptionreality Thu 15-Nov-12 10:32:58

He sounds awful. The videoing sounds compulsive to me, the way you describe it. It's not normal to video random people at work. This quite apart from the fact he's a liar and a cheat.

Really, given the evidence you'll never be able to trust him fully.

hellsbells76 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:33:21

He's a misogynist and he gets a thrill from violating women's privacy and dignity in that way. Pretty sure it's illegal too. He is treating you with contempt: again because he's a misogynist. What are you getting out of this relationship? Please get rid: you will be entitled to child support and benefits and you'll manage: eventually you will look back and realise it was the best thing you ever did. Do you want your children growing up with such a vile man as their role model?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 15-Nov-12 10:33:27

Guilty I think she meant her 2 year old is a girl...

LadyMargolotta Thu 15-Nov-12 10:33:37

Guiltypleasures001 she is five weeks pregnant AND has a daughter.

Agree, hand phone to the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:34:42

"He is really intelligent, funny, very good looking, earns alot of money...and he chooses to video women???!?!?!!? "

Perverts and predators don't get issued with a dirty raincoat so that you can spot them easily, you know. They come in all shapes and sizes. Remember. You have a choice whether to keep on tolerating this rubbish or not.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:35:32

I am 5 weeks pregant and I also have a daughter.
How can I go to the police? He provides money for my daughter. He would lose his job. Im not about to jeopodise her future.

Thanks Cogito..that gave me some clarity. I think Im going to ask him to leave...I need to get some advice. Im just so sad, Ive done everything to try and make him happy but it never seems to be good enough. Infact, I know its not me...he is the one with the obvious issues.

Guilty, she means she has a daughter and is also five weeks pregnant.
Oh dear op. the police sounds a good idea and make plans to leave. This is not going to be a happy relationship.

tethersend Thu 15-Nov-12 10:36:26

Guilty, she means that she also has a daughter, not that her unborn child is a girl.

NoVictim1 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:37:18

Also this is a new thing. He has NEVER mentioned anything about having a feet fetish... in the 8 yrs I have known him. I know he looks at porn but npw he just looks a feet sites. This is a brand new thing... I just find it so odd.

hellsbells76 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:42:34

Good for you: but don't ask him to leave: tell him he's leaving. It's up to you whether to go to the police and I understand your worries about him being able to provide for his daughter, but I think I would struggle with knowing someone is violating their colleagues like that and would have to say something. Men who do that kind of thing often progress to flashing and sexual abuse/rape too. Women aren't people to them, just things - there for their gratification. You're worried he'll lose his job: he should lose his job and should also be prosecuted. He's a menace. Could you move back in with your mum for a bit? Then you wouldn't need his money so much.

DragonMamma Thu 15-Nov-12 10:42:42

I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach too, because it's sick, dirty and wrong. How you've managed to sit on it already is beyond my comprehension. He would be out on his arse the minute I'd found these complete violations of people's rights.

Sod the money, get yourself down the bank and empty the account of spare cash, leave enough to cover the DD's in there and ask them to freeze it. If you're a SAHM then you don't need to worry about childcare so you can live pretty cheaply with your DD.

Where there's a will, there's a way. I couldn't condone such dreadful behaviour

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 10:43:13

Men like your DH are never happy. They are thrill-seekers and risk-takers. They enjoy thinking that they are getting one over on you and that you don't know what's going on. They are completely untrustworthy because they get their jollies out of secretive, unsavoury behaviour. Furtively videoing women without their knowledge is part and parcel of someone that doesn't actually like having an honest and open relationship with women.... just enjoys getting their rocks off in private, whatever that takes. Look how he treated his ex and how he treats you. Pick up and put down when it suits.

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:45:26

Has it occurred to you that you may be jeopardising your dd's future by not handing his phone in to the police?

Think about it... is it preferable for all concerned that he gets a warning or a caution now or a prison sentence at a later date when his unchecked peversions escalate to more serious sexual offences?

And are you going to feel entirely happy about sharing care of your dd with a man who videos 'up a woman's skirts'?

CindySherman Thu 15-Nov-12 10:46:08

The foot fetish is the least of the issues here

What a disgusting pervert.

strumpetpumpkin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:47:46

he sounds like a creep. I dont care about peoples fetishes, but the objects of the fetishes should at least be aware and consenting, otherwise its gross and abusive

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:51:15

Foot fetish, Cindy? The man's upped his camera game in more ways than one and, if unchecked, he'll continue to do so.

BookFairy Thu 15-Nov-12 10:57:23

I'm very sad for you. I think you perhaps need to separate your marriage from the fact that your H has committed an offence. Imagine how those women would feel if they knew he'd filmed up their skirts? What if his behaviour escalates?

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:58:53

Yep apologies op, would still hand the ohone to the police, because if he gets caught and it all comes out in the papers which it might, it will effect you even more if he is still in the house, yet alone your little girl.

I think its time to close ranks, and get him out.

joblot Thu 15-Nov-12 13:05:51

I would be seriously unhappy if a man at work took vids of me. So wrong and illegal. Sorry op but he sounds like a vile human being

CindySherman Thu 15-Nov-12 17:17:46

Is he using his phone for this disgusting perversion?

JollyGolightly Thu 15-Nov-12 18:58:39

He's been an awful partner to you, and now he's a sex offender too. You and the kids deserve much better.

janelikesjam Thu 15-Nov-12 19:00:25

"Men like your DH are never happy. They are thrill-seekers and risk-takers. They enjoy thinking that they are getting one over on you and that you don't know what's going on. They are completely untrustworthy because they get their jollies out of secretive, unsavoury behaviour. Furtively videoing women without their knowledge is part and parcel of someone that doesn't actually like having an honest and open relationship with women.... "

^ Yes, this.

AThingInYourLife Thu 15-Nov-12 19:09:23

Don't make your daughter grow up living with a sex offender.

ObscuredByClouds Thu 15-Nov-12 21:38:14

What he's doing (filming women without their consent) is wrong. You know it is wrong. I'm really sorry but this is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

Call the tax credit helpline and check out www. entitled to find out how to finance your next step.

Sorry this is happening to you.

ashesgirl Thu 15-Nov-12 21:43:59

God, he sounds very creepy and disturbing. At the least, can you tell his work what he's doing?

I feel so bad for you - you must be in turmoil right now.

BelleDameSousMistletoe Thu 15-Nov-12 21:48:48

Erm, you don't want to tell your partner's work in case they sack him and it jeopardises your income? He's violating the privacy of those women. Would you like it if some pervert was getting off on secret films he had of you? Taken without your consent?

Aside from that, if you're not going to do anything about it then he'll know he can just do it again. And again.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Thu 15-Nov-12 21:50:26

How the hell has he videoed up someone's skirt?

Voyeurism is illegal op.

I think you should contact citizens advice maybe to see what help and support there is available if you leave.

How can you stay with him? He is betraying and deceiving you. Where do you draw a line at this behaviour?

How do you think he'll react if you confront him?

AnyFucker Thu 15-Nov-12 21:53:07

As long as he keeps buying your handbags, you could overlook this

Right ?

yeah, go for it

cees Thu 15-Nov-12 21:53:47

What a bloody weirdo. One day someone could do the same to your adult daughter but hey ho it's security your after so who cares.

MakeItALarge Thu 15-Nov-12 21:59:49

Cees, that is exactly what I thought when I read it.

Op how would you feel if in twenty years your dd came home from work crying because some creep had been videoing up her skirt? Would you want the sex offender to keep his job then?

This is far beyond, and imo far worse, than him being unfaithful.

amoamasg Thu 15-Nov-12 22:07:52

Boys didnt your husband betray you and decieve you ? I seem to recall your threads,nine months ago I believe old is your baby ?

OP pregnant or not, housewife or not, do you really want to be the type of woman who will accept this because he's paying for you?

There are benefits you could live on. There are ways to survive. He's a criminal and a sexual predator not to mention a misogynistic, disrespectful cheat.

Why are you even contemplating putting up with this??

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 22:15:11

The harsh reality is that the dd may come crying to the OP because her df has committed a more serious sexual offence with or without his camera than that described here. MAIL.

While you may believe you are not a victim, OP, you are condoning other women being victim to his perversions and are placing your dd at risk of abuse from him.

You've been warned and I sincerely hope these thoughts play on your conscience until you do the right thing for your dd as well as for others.

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 22:18:00

Pregnant? I missed that. That changes everything. It'll be 2 dc at risk from a pervert.

<apologies, Large - should have typed MIAL not MAIL>

AnyFucker Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:08

of course. A man with fucked up boundaries like this wouldn't stop at having a go at his daughter, surely ?

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 23:01:34

When minor offences committed by a sex offender begin to escalate into more serious cirimes, all bets are off as to where or whether will draw a draw a line.

In addition, once certain boundaries have been crossed it's probable they'll see no need or reason and/or have no desire to curtail their activities and may develop certain compulsions to offend.

Research appears to indicate that while certain offenders such as thieves, con-artists, scammers and even murderers, can be successfully rehabilitiated, it's a case of 'once a sex offender, always a sex offender' unless, of course, society redefines or revises its laws relating to sexual offences.

izzyizin Thu 15-Nov-12 23:03:06

amendment to end of first sentence (above): 'where or whether the offender will draw a line'.

BOFingSanta Thu 15-Nov-12 23:13:46

Just what would be morally repugnant enough for you to leave, OP? Child porn? Fraud? Racial assault? Rape? Murder?

Where is the line past which you will no longer hold onto your financial security to support actions which you find revolting? At some point, you have an ethical choice of your own to make. And you are your daughter's main role model.

worklifedifficult Thu 15-Nov-12 23:18:15

I can't add anything of value that hasn't been said above other than it is criminal to video up skirts a man was recently sentenced here in London for doing just that on Tube Escalators.

I did have a mate who confessed to doing the same... he had a fairly disturbed personality... highly intelligent, full of blustering arrogance and a confused sexuality. When he confessed it to me in a pub, I was all for going to the cops about it, I was caught between a rock and a hard place, grassing on a mate versus an abusive behaviour. It's bloody difficult. I never saw the actual video's but I did tell him I was very seriously considering the police. A couple of years later he did thank me for giving him a wake up call to change some of his behaviours, not all of them but some of them.

Sorry I can't help further - I wish you everything for the day you have this sorted and its over and done with.

FastLoris Thu 15-Nov-12 23:25:02

Urghh. I don't have a problem with whatever floats anyone's boat sexually, but that's just a disgusting invasion of privacy.

NettleTea Thu 15-Nov-12 23:25:38

My ex used to video and photograph women's tits and crotches on the local beach. His then GF found the pics and disposed of them. He then beat her up. He runs prostitutes in clubs. He thinks women are pieces of dirty meat. He is a disgusting pervert who thinks its OK to show porn to 10 year old boys. his children are possessions, and both of them are protected from him by court orders. when he was with me I caught him working for a madam collecting money from girls locked in rooms all over north london. Another time he was beaten up because of a 'misunderstanding' in a club in soho.
These sorts of guys have no line to draw. They believe their filthy wants come above everything else, and they dont have any care about laws or morality or anyone elses feelings or rights. Its all about them and getting their nasty rocks off.
I wouldnt let my DD go to the end of the road with a man like that, and the older she gets the greater the risk IMO. I wouldnt want any girl to be exposed to filty scum like that, who has so little respect for women - even if he tries to hide it, it will rub off on her and have an impact upon her future relationships. He treats you with disrespect by his actions and the best you can do for your daughter is walk proudly out the door and show her that you, and she, are worth far far more than that.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now