Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

(153 Posts)
Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 18:56:09

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

CoteDAzur Sun 11-Nov-12 19:00:03

Why don't you talk to her privately? Tell her that you would rather she talked to you and about you with respect.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:00:53

How old are you? Can she really turn all your friends against you now. Surely you have all grown up since school?

Is she the only one who sorts out your social life? Can you just not bother with the things she organises and try and cut her out of your life?

Have you ever answered her back when she has been curt with you?

I would either start to stand up for myself or just get rid of her as a friend, as she doesn't act like a friend.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:03:27

CoteDAzur I've thought about that but I don't think she'd take it very well. She is very much of the school of thought that she is never wrong.

Sissy, I know it sounds pathetic but yes she would do that now. She has done it before to another mutual friend and now I am the only one out of the group of friends that still speaks to this friend. She just spreads gossip around about them and because she is a very dominant character everyone is scared to disagree with her. She's not the only one who organises the social life, but she is generally there on group nights out with our group of mutual friends. There is no escaping her unless I ditch that group of friends totally, which to be honest I am leaning towards.

Moln Sun 11-Nov-12 19:04:02

Knock her off facebook for a start (or if you're too worried to do that block her from everything.

I would just ignore her making no effort to met her. Wouldn't stop socialising with mutal friends though, as they are your friends.. Just ignore her when you are out in the same place (or just make short polite conversation then relocate yourself to another group of friends)

Moln Sun 11-Nov-12 19:05:36

also why don't you orgnise a night out and just don't invite her?

Oh and stop refering to her as a friend. She's not.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:05:59

The problem is on group nights out she won't leave me alone. She keeps trying to talk to me all the time. Then snapping at me or making jokes out of my replies to her. And of course everyone thinks her jokes are hilarious.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:06:25

If you did ditch this bunch of friends, would you still have any friends left, and are there any friends in the group that you would actually miss?

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:06:55

If I organised a night out and didn't invite her she would kick off big time sad My name would be mud and probably one of the others would invite her along anyway and she'd then be in a bad mood with me for not inviting her and I'd get a hard time.

I think I need to move away from the whole group of friends tbh...

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:07:43

Sissy, yes I have friends outside of this group thank goodness, so I wouldn't be friend-less so to speak if I ditched the group. Yes there are a few I would miss I think.

kinkyfuckery Sun 11-Nov-12 19:08:33

She's not your friend.

I'd just pull her up about it, then it's her choice whether to stop and fix the 'friendship' or just to fuck off.

abbierhodes Sun 11-Nov-12 19:08:41

I honestly think that if your friends are so shallow that they'll ditch you on her say so, then you don't need them. Honestly, you are better off with a couple of decent friends than loads of crap ones, especially when they make you feel bad about yourself. Get rid.

She's not really a friend, is she? More like a bully who's terrorising you. I would block and ignore her - let her work out why.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:11:34

I don't think she would try to fix the friendship. Her reaction at being told she is wrong or at someone standing up to her is usually to terrorise that person. Abbierhodes, I am coming round to that way of thinking that a couple of good friends are better than loads of crap ones. AlmostaHipster, I am leaning towards doing that, and yes I totally agree she is a bully who is terrorising me.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:17:51

I'd leave them to it then. I am assuming you are all pretty young for her to be able to terrorise you all to such an extent.

Stick with people you like spending time with and get rid of the ones whose company you don't enjoy.

FreelanceMama Sun 11-Nov-12 19:19:20

That sounds rough. I've recently developed an ability to stand up for myself since having a baby, partly because I'm too damn tired to worry about consequences and partly because I want to be a good role model for my son. If you're not feeling up to tackling it head-on, try being the grown up. If you keep cool and mature and good humoured then whatever she says about you to other people won't wash.

Here's my view on your situation:
* You've outgrown this 'friend' - she has not grown up since school and surrounded herself with people who let her behave this way.
* if your daughter had a friend like this I expect you'd want her to have nothing to do with her.
* You deserve to have friends who respect you and support you,and let you know when you're being a pain.
* come up with a couple of ways to react to her verbal rudeness with good humour e.g.
"Miaow - saucer of milk for the lady in the red sweater" or "ouch - it's a good job I know you're only joking"
* don't respond to any of her rude written comments.

If you're feeling braver, next time she organises something, reply to her privately saying that when she teases you, it makes you feel like you're not welcome, so you'd rather not go.

Good luck.

PS - putting maturity aside - what a cowbag!

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:19:35

No we're not as young as it probably comes across Sissy. She is a VERY strong, dominant character. I've known women like her in their forties and fifties in the past. The thing is, I do enjoy the company of the others, and I've felt that I'd just be totally weak to back down and let her win, when I enjoy seeing the others. But as I have other friends it is silly really to keep putting myself through all this shit all the time.

FiercePanda Sun 11-Nov-12 19:20:55

It's not a friendship though. She's been bitching at you, taking the piss out of you and complaining AT you since the age of 12! When are you going to stand up for yourself and realise that she isn't worth bothering about?

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:21:46

Thank you FreelanceMama, lots of good suggestions there. In fact thank you everyone for listening to me venting! I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this in real life.

picnicbasketcase Sun 11-Nov-12 19:22:34

I think you need to be very honest and equally short back. 'Ive had enough of you speaking to me like that. As you clearly have time, affection and manners to offer everyone else and none for me, I see little point in continuing to have anything to do with each other.'

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:23:36

It's not the friendship with her I'm particularly bothered about, it's the repercussions on my friendships with others. Honestly, she really is very very dominant and can be extremely viscious and spiteful.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:24:19

Good idea, picnicbasketcase.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:26:42

Seriously, if the friends are that shallow that they will let her speak badly about you and end their friendship with you on her say so, they aren't worth keeping.

She sounds like a bag of laughs to spend time with!

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:27:15

A few weeks ago she held a get together at her house for about 20 of us. She put the event on FB. I commented that I might be a bit late as my DH worked that day. By late I meant half an hour or so. She replied on the event page 'Don't bother coming then, on time or nothing'. Shortly afterwards another friend said they would be later as they needed to put their DD to bed before coming out and her reply was along the lines of 'Don't worry my lovely, will be wonderful to see you whenever you can make it'. I actually cried after reading her reply to me, and I didn't go to the get together. I wish I'd said something in reply on the FB event now.

kinkyfuckery Sun 11-Nov-12 19:28:08

Seriously, if the friends are that shallow that they will let her speak badly about you and end their friendship with you on her say so, they aren't worth keeping.


Kundry Sun 11-Nov-12 19:28:21

Your 'friendship' with this awful woman seems to be stuck at age 12. Luckily most of us got to grow out of these, move away, lose touch or whatever. Unfortunately she (and her circle of friends) don't appear to have moved out of the playground.

However you have - and you have lovely new friends who have as well. Most of us don't have masses and masses of friends, just 2 or 3 who are real true friends.

Quietly block her from facebook and leave her and her arrested development behind.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 11-Nov-12 19:28:25

Ugh. I don't understand why she's still in your life especially as her behaviour has not changed since schooldays. Just get rid of the friendship on Facebook and RL. If your group of friends are so shallow that you will lose them too, then so be it. Or if they are your true friends invite them out to your house. Just give it up - it's almost like an abusive relationship dynamic you've got going on here. And it's not weak to just walk away from it, btw. And if you do walk away and your mutual friends go into overdrive about what she said about you or how she reacted, then you need to stop them. Personally, I would just cut them all out of my life and move on.

picnicbasketcase Sun 11-Nov-12 19:30:33

shock at your last post. I don't think I would be able to speak to someone who treated me like that, quite honestly. Do you get anything at all out of this friendship besides hurt feelings?

MiniTheMinx Sun 11-Nov-12 19:32:24

She only behaves like it because she is allowed to. You have as much as said that. Can you not just find some witty one liners to put her back in her box. Most women like this can be managed as long as you do it in front of the others, make sure your response is measured and witty. If you can get the others to laugh and you ensure they witness first her attack and then your response, this woman will be made to feel very small. Play her at her own game.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:34:32

I've tried making a joke before back at her but she uses it against me to turn on me again and gets more and more agitated. I'll give her this, she is very very clever and very manipulative.

myBOYSareBONKERS Sun 11-Nov-12 19:37:23

Her negativity must be exhausting for you.

I have stopped seeing a couple of "friends" as I dreaded the build up to see them, didn't overly enjoy my time when out in case I said the "wrong thing" and then over analysed the evening once it was over.

Once I made the decision to stop seeing those particular individuals I felt immense relief. I do still see some of the group - more on a one to one basis or as a 3 - and it is so nice not to feel under pressure and just to enjoy their company

Wow take back the control on the basis you don't need her.

Re her facebook comment on your daughters looks it,s not too late to comment "Wow just seen your comment-did you mean to be so rude" And when she calls you on this in RL tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and you will no longer be tolerating it.

If you then find the friendship fails I would take the stance that this would be a bonus smile

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:39:27

Won't I look as bad as her though if I answer back? A thread on MN fairly recently was about something similar and a few people said there is no point answering back those types of people as it just makes you look worse than them as you look oversensitive

MrsDeVere Sun 11-Nov-12 19:39:38

She wants to keep you as a friend because you are her punchbag,
She would probably like to be rude to everyone but knows she can't so she does it to you because she can

You are in a rut. You are so used to this, it has become normal and you cannot imagine life without this 'friendship'

Walk away. How bad can it be without this nasty piece in your life?

MiniTheMinx Sun 11-Nov-12 19:40:56

The face book comment about your daughter would have been better countered with
"well it could have been worse, she could have had you for a mother"

kinkyfuckery Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:12

Her behaviour isn't so 'clever and manipulative' as you are enabling it.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:56

It's clever and manipulative the way she manages to get everyone else onside and it's clever and manipulative the way she tries to turn it back round onto me.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:43:15

And I know I'm enabling it and I feel totally shit about myself for enabling it sad

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 19:43:45

yes but you both mutually enact roles.she top dog because you let her
she gets away with sarky stuff because she can. what are you going to do
instead of focussing on her focus on don't need to be tolerating this

RaspberrySchnapps Sun 11-Nov-12 19:44:09

life is too short. ditch the bitch.

agree with other posters, your 'friendship' is stuck in a teenage loop. She behaves that way towards you because you have always let her but showing you up infront of a group of women in that way is no kind of a friendship. You don't need her in your life, next time she does it, in front of the entire group of friends stand up and say 'do you know what, I'm really bored and sick of the way you talk down at me. why don't you grow up and fuck off' and walk away head high.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:45:09

But will I look as bad as her and look oversensitive if I reply back to her?

HecatePropylaea Sun 11-Nov-12 19:45:30

She is not your friend.

She is bullying you.

Drop out of her life.

MiniTheMinx Sun 11-Nov-12 19:46:59

The chances are that once you break the cycle and stand up to her she will no longer have a place for you in her life......or her venom will be directed towards someone else in the group. Either way you will at least have stood your ground. You can't change her but you can change the way you respond to her.

MarshaBrady Sun 11-Nov-12 19:48:07

There were a few 'best' friendships like this at school. One that bullied the other completely. The one friend that got all the crap and rudeness, whilst everyone else was well treated. It lasts no matter what age as it is so engrained.

I wouldn't bother replying, just don't have anything to do with her anymore.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 19:48:53

really what's the handwringing?you're unhappy how she treats you.
what are you going to do, fret about manners and etiquette or assert self
you politely say face to face or text I'm bit busy hope don't mind if we don't see each other for while,best wshes galaxycounter

MooncupGoddess Sun 11-Nov-12 19:52:05

Ugh! Can you drift away quietly but try to keep one to one relationships with the friends from the group you do like? If they ask if something's up, just tell them you felt the dynamic between the two of you was unhealthy and you thought you'd step back for a while.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:54:28

She's organised a night out in 2 weeks' time and this sounds pathetic but I am actually dreading writing on the event page on FB that I can't (won't) go, for fear of what she's going to say. It's not healthy and this alone tells me that I shouldn't have anything further to do with her.

Marzipanface Sun 11-Nov-12 19:54:50

Fuck her! Why are you letting this happen? She is not your friend. She is a bully. You are a grown woman. Ditch her and this group of friends. You never know, there might be a mutiny amongst your mutual friends!

If I was you, I would just stop contacting her and arrange a night out with the other friends. Who made her the leader/queen?

Ignore and make/cultivate other friendships. Show her you don't need her anymore.

insprognito Sun 11-Nov-12 19:55:15

Agree with stayathome go back and comment as though you've just spotted it. I'd be livid if anyone spoke about my children like that. When she responds with her usual nasty comments put something like oh dear [cowbag] :-( frankly I find your infantile attempts to bully me amusing but think its only fair to say you're confusing me for someone who gives a shit :-) then ignore any further comments if possible. She sounds vile.

Marzipanface Sun 11-Nov-12 19:57:18

Raspberry had a good response

do you know what, I'm really bored and sick of the way you talk down at me. why don't you grow up and fuck off' and walk away head high.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:58:35

If I was to organise a night out minus her one of the others would invite her then I would get a doubly hard hard time on the night out itself. If I put a comment back to her on the FB photo comment she'll reply with something about me being oversensitive or make some dig about it was only a joke why are you getting so het up, chill out.

calypso2008 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:59:08

She sounds dreadful, you sound lovely.
Cull her.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 19:59:10

look no fancy arse putdowns,it's not you and unlikely you'll carry it off
a simple can't attend night out unfortunately,got lots on,and don't return calls/txt/fb
you simply make up a reason for not contacting her,and cease contact.

MarshaBrady Sun 11-Nov-12 20:01:39

Don't bother with it anymore. Don't do the put down thing just stop contact and drift away.

janelikesjam Sun 11-Nov-12 20:02:39

"I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'".

This alone would make me drop a friend. She sounds awful.

How to do it? It is not always straightforward or easy, especially if you are in a circle of friends. There is the slow freeze-outjust minimising personal interactions - they eventually get the message but it can be awkward. Or you can be straightforward but diplomatic - you need to distance your friendship for a while as you haven't been happy with the way things have been between you. I agree if someone is nasty and manipulative, it is in your interests to find a way to do it that protects yourself and gives you the least stress.

If you are unsure how to do it still, just begin a phase out, only speaking when you have to. If she is in a group of friends and they humour her unpleasantness, doesn't say the best about them either - so maybe find some new friends while you're at it smile

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 20:03:31

given op is imposed upon by bullying pal it's pointless recommending sassy you is dis and dat you moonfaced boot
she's never spoken to her pal like that before,and unlikely op suddenly going to assert self in potty mouth rant.this is more about some if you than op

howlingcow Sun 11-Nov-12 20:05:19

There's a brilliant book called 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' (Susan Jeffers) You can get it on Amazon. Perfect for this situation-it will help you to go out of your comfort zone-it certainly helped me (never been into self-help books before). You need to truly feel that you are her equal (superior by the true sound of it!)-as you give the impression of feeling inferior to her. I've recommended this book to several friends in various situations like yours and one of them is now a headteacher and keeps it on her desk at all times!! Good luck with this!!

EvenBetter Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:01

Go with RaspberrySchnapps sentence.

I endured a 'best friends' with a scumbag like this but shook her off when I was a teenager. Have seen her a couple of times since and shake and feel like 13 again when I saw her stupid face. I would take delight in having the opportunity to tell her how vile she is.

Who are you worried about judging you for being as bad as her??!
The group of people would totally be aware of what a loser she is, and they aren't on the moral highground themselves if they provide her with an audience.

Delete her on Facebook, next time she verbally abuses you tell her to keep her pathetically shit, depressing excuse of a life away from you and find discount another victim, she can go fuck herself and continue her dreary existence with you blissfully free and gaining confidence.

The whole thing should have been sorted 2 decades ago, revert to sweary teenage insults etc since that's how she communicates and stop allowing yourself to betrayed like this, it's completely avoidable.

Yika Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:47

I wonder if she doesn't think that it's such a long-standing, established friendship that it's 'safe' to treat you this way - you've never stood up to her and you never will, so she can use you as her fall guy. Basically, she's overfamiliar with you. (she sounds like a plain old bully but I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here.)

Some great ideas up thread. I'm not sure that a public forum like Facebook is the place to start to fight back if you're not used to it. I would tell her politely in private that the way she treats you is not acceptable and then only respond to her messages or invitations if they are respectful. If there's no change I'd gradually drop her. If your other friends follow her lead they are too shallow to bother with. Getting more assertive would only increase your standing in a good friend's eyes.

EvenBetter Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:53

be treated not 'betrayed'!

plutocrap Sun 11-Nov-12 20:12:45

If you pull her up "publicly" (on FB) about that remark about your child, and she tells you to "chill out" or attacks you in some other way, she's going to look like a real shit, especislly if you follow ut up with a good public rant about saying such mean things about a chilf snf a supposed "friend". Although that may rally some people to "her side" out of fear that she will do the same to them, she may also alienate others, and just one challenge to her bitchiness makes her look less invulnerable. Two public challenges, and other people might start. feeling a bit braver.

It doesn't sound as though you're angry enough, though...

suburbophobe Sun 11-Nov-12 20:20:18

Not all friendships are forever.

If (I) you find a friend from way back who is starting to be less than you want - i.e. a 1-way street - from a friend, it's time to step back.

Some people will be your friend so you can be there for their drama. They're never there for you when you need a friend.

The sooner you get wise to it and pull back, the more you can get (clear) on with what you want in life.

ivykaty44 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:21:19

The comment on the photograph of your dd was unkind, and it certainly will be seen by other people on fb and I would wonder if I saw a comment like this

why is that person being so unkind
why is the other person putting up with such nasty treatment from this person

It would also make me very wary of unkind person

I would back away slowly, if you feel that this is your group of friends and you don't want to lose them then possibly that is all you do descreatly back away.

If you feel that you can say something to her then do so, if not keep her at bargepole distance from you and be wary of time spent in her company maybe negative.

CindySherman Sun 11-Nov-12 20:23:15

I think she will inside be totally gutted if you do drop her ( which you really must. The comment about yr DD would have me reeling tbh) as you are her punch bag and she will really, really miss that after so long.
No fancy put downs just flat out drop her and hold off from the meet- ups, you will feel like a weight has been lifted and she will feel the strain I promise you.

Agree, just drift off and don't engage. "Sorry I can't..", be slow to reply. And maybe ask one or two of your fav of the good friends for coffee etc and don't mention anything bout the issue. Head held high, and confrontation free. Its worked for me!

difficultpickle Sun 11-Nov-12 20:24:39

I wouldn't stoop to her level by replying in kind as when you ditch her it will give her ammunition for maligning you to your mutual friends. If you continue to be polite then the others will eventually see what she is like. Rest assured once you are out of her life she will have to use on of your other mutual firiends as a punch bag. You may find that that friend stands up to her and she is seen for the horror she really is.

difficultpickle Sun 11-Nov-12 20:26:27

You can block people commenting on your fb timeline without them knowing. I have some fb friends whose lives I'm not remotely interested in but would notice if I defriended them. I just ensure that I don't have to read the stuff they post.

conantg Sun 11-Nov-12 20:29:48

I can see why you don't want to tackle her. She is a vile bully and you are a good person. You are also her punchbag. You need to withdraw yourself from that role, but you understandably don't relish the thought of confrontation. So do it without confrontation. Regarding the event in two week's time just reply on FB, sorry, can't make it, have another commitment. If she challenges that, IGNORE. If she says anything else about you on FB, IGNORE AND BLOCK HER She will soon find another punchbag.
And if any of that particular group ask you why you have dropped her, say you are tired of being her punchbag and you do not want to discuss it further. And don't. Stick to your guns. Ignore, block, do not engage.

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 20:35:59

scottishmummy has the right idea - you can't change overnight into somebody forceful and put her in her place. The so-called 'friend' knows this and that's why she does it. Drift away, without drama. State you're busy on the FB event page. When she posts a cutting comment, come back here and tell us what it is. We will help you to respond in a dignified way. Life is too short to saddle yourself with people who put you down in order to make themselves look better.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 20:36:37

ignore all the sassy tell her how it is,or what a caaaaw she is
no.keep yourself safe, just drop confrontation just drop her
she matter various tactics to contact you,who can support you?dp?good luck

MrsDeVere Sun 11-Nov-12 20:48:19

I agree with keeping this simple.
It is a hell of a lot to ask someone to turn into a head wobbling street queen and start dishing the disses.

Why comment on the FB event page at all? There is no law to say you have to.

Dont go. Dont make excuses, you are a grown up and you can do what you want.

I am not convinced that she manages to manipulate all these adult women into laughing at you and think its all your fault. If they have anything about them they probably think she is a bitch and wonder why the hell you put up with it.

It sounds as if you are waiting or someone to jump in and save you, stand up for you and tell her to pack it in. This doesn't really happen and tbh they probably think you are fine with it because you don't bite back.

That doesn't make it your fault btw. But you are the one who is going to have to put a stop to it. She isn't going to change because she has no reason to.

Drop her. Drop her and walk away. Then block her, defriend her or whatever on FB.

You will feel so much better, promise.

Groovee Sun 11-Nov-12 20:57:47

Every time she takes the pee, tell her like a broken record "do you know how rude that sounds?"

I know a mum at school like this, I tend to steer clear of her.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:12:03

is that post intended for this thread
commenting on peeing will stop bullying
well it's unique I give you that

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 21:18:19

Think groovee meant taking the Pee one double five? P155?

Groovee Sun 11-Nov-12 21:21:40

I hate pi55 so I use Pee, what's wrong with that. Did you mean to sound so rude Scottishmummy wink

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:23:33

god save someone will recommend did you mean to be so rude
op has been imposed upon for years how is she suddenly going to be whateva sista
she needs to behave within her safe range,not some shrill shouter.

Groovee Sun 11-Nov-12 21:26:59

The other option is to walk away and possibly end up back as a teen feeling like absolute shit. I've been there sadly. I wish I had stood up to the little cow.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:29:36

you won't write pee, and I'm suppose to know p155=piss?
every time she take the pee, I literally read as you meant when she passes urine?
clearly not.I did wonder why op would be with her pal each time pal passed urine....

Milvesrus Sun 11-Nov-12 21:30:45

My aunt had a friend from child hood who did all of this for decades. In her 50s my aunt decided she'd had enough. She wrote her a frank letter, didn't receive a reply and never spoke to her again. She's not regretted it a bit.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:27

I'm v confused by all this piss,pee,pi55

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 21:39:39

I've just had a brief chat about this with DH. I have decided that I don't want to go the confrontation route as it just isn't me and I know I'll end up getting more upset. Instead I'm going to just not bother with her again as lots of you have suggested. I have come to the conclusion that although I like the others in the social group, I can manage without them in my life. And I just can't face putting myself through any meet ups with ex friend there. I'm feeling low at the moment as it is and it seems pointless to put myself through it doesn't it?

Plomino Sun 11-Nov-12 21:43:25

What a bitch .

Having a pop back , does not make you as bad as her, it just makes you someone who is thoroughly fed up of being systematically put down by a thoroughly nasty cow .

However , I also agree that it is incredibly hard to suddenly have a personality change , and be able to put her in her place with witty remarks , particularly if she has the influence you believe she does .

Honestly ? If I were you. I'd take the path of least resistance, if you like . How much can you avoid her in RL? Do you actually have to have much contact face to face ? How much do you NEED to see her , or the social circle that she frequents ? Are they the ONLY circle of friends you have ? ( which I'm sure cannot be true in any case because you certainly appear to be confident enough to stay in touch with people she has fallen out with )

If you can get by without them , then do . Avoid avoid avoid . Block on FB , rename her on your phone , as Bitch from hell , or something equally derogatory ( if you need to keep her number at all ) and if she or any of the circle invite you to stuff, say No . Don't justify , because you don't have to . Just no , is sufficient . Having fewer, but much better quality REAL friends , has to be better than being constantly put down by some horrible cow , who for some deranged reason thinks that she can .

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:43:31

v sensible,act comfortably and naturally
no point in upsetting confrontation
good luck you'll feel liberated once you've moved on

VolumeOfACone Sun 11-Nov-12 21:50:01

You have nothing to gain from any further contact with this monstrous woman.
Don't reply, don't go, just get the poison out of your life. Really, you've got into a pattern, a routine, that there is no need to remain in.

VolumeOfACone Sun 11-Nov-12 21:51:51

Good decision. I am sure you'll feel better once she is out of your life.

olgaga Sun 11-Nov-12 22:01:34

Oh dear, have just caught up with this thread. Please OP don't spend any more time on this woman or this particular group of "friends". Just withdraw, stop contact with them on FB, cultivate your real friends.

Anyone who is amused - or even tolerant - of this person's treatment of you, is not a friends. You're well rid of the lot of them.

If anyone contacts you about why you haven't been around, prepare something like "I've been so incredibly busy...haven't had a moment to myself". Just stick with that.

Can I recommend this very good book to you? It's all about being assertive with your communications. It's invaluable - home, work, social life the works. Also it's a great confidence booster:

FreelanceMama Sun 11-Nov-12 22:03:57

Been thinking about your situation some more and reading your other posts in this thread. You sound so anxious about this relationship. I bet you spend hours upset or worried about this and doing a lot of 'what if?' thinking.

I think you know that you need to stop being around this woman but are afraid of having people think badly of you as a result (because of her bad mouthing you). It sounds v familiar!

It doesn't sound like giving as good as you get is your style. And while it feels cathartic to do it at the time, it might be nice to get out without going down to her level, so you can feel good about yourself.

How about you decide that you have had enough of this bad behaviour and ignore her. Ignore her FB comments, if you see her in real life walk away when she misbehaves, politely decline any invitations to meet up. And if you're challenged on it, by her, then tell her "I just want to spend time with people who like me - and you don't seem to like me very much" and if challenged, by anyone else, the response is, "she's not been nice to me for a long time, not sure why but I'd rather hang out with people who like me".

If people think badly of you when you're being assertive, that doesn't mean you are bad. Be polite, be kind to yourself, and spend lots of time with nice people.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 22:27:04

I do spend ages thinking about it and worrying I have to admit. I need to get a grip. I think I will feel far better if I cut her out of my life. I think being in contact with her is affecting my self esteem and self worth as I feel on a downer about other things too when I am about to see her.

Thank you again guys for the support and advice on this thread.

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 22:48:18

galaxy you will be just fine. Back away slowly from the friendship. She really really isn't worth your time or all this angst. You have done your utmost to sustain this 'friendship' and the woman absolutely does not deserve you. Just detach, ignore and move on. Best of luck to you.

onemorechoccybiccy Sun 11-Nov-12 23:06:11

Good grief, grow a spine!

You don't need to confront her. Decline her invitations as 'you are busy that night'. Block her on FB, take a step back and see everyone does. You might find that she's not as popular as you think.

In the meantime, I would be focusing my efforts on meeting new people and making friends.

Life is too short for this sort of 5hit!

DoodleAlley Sun 11-Nov-12 23:19:07

Don't know if it's been mentioned but if you do end up keeping in touch a lot of these Facebook comments would seem to be well responded to be that good old mumsnet classic did you mean to be so rude

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 23:24:08

no,no smart ass fake sassy's not naturally you
and did you mean to be so rude it's wanky
drop pal,no drama,no hoo haa.protect yourself

stuffitunderthebed Mon 12-Nov-12 00:51:21

Still agreeing with scottishmummy

Galaxycounters Mon 12-Nov-12 07:12:25

I think I'm going to be extremely careful about how I approach it and go for the most minimum fuss and least obvious options for it all as she is also the kind of person who will escalate it all into a big feud if I say anything, and will send loads of insulting texts, and just go on and on and on about it to mutual friends rather than moving on from it.

EugenesAxe Mon 12-Nov-12 07:44:44

A few posters have said things I strongly agree with... bisjo, MrsDV, scottishmummy.

Definitely no acerbic, sarcastic or aggressive commentary. Say no to the upcoming event and don't comment. Back out of anything she arranges and if necessary, that she's going to attend.

If the other friends in that group contact you because they miss you, organise a one to one meet up with them. Be honest but not nasty about why you have dropped back and say you know if you brought it up she would find a way of bad mouthing you.

Most people who bully are insecure; you are as others have said, her perfect punchbag. She insults you because she cannot ever envisage the worm turning, or has strategies if you do. These others whom she gushes over are probably people that she feels wouldn't give an inch if she tried to do battle with them, or who have influence over the group themselves. If she can turn the group against you with spiteful words it doesn't (sorry) sound as though the others feel as if they have much to lose in fighting her on it. The whole gang sound rotten.

If you are keen for a bit of retaliation then silence or 'Well you see, this is my point exactly' if she starts up with her vitriol, followed by 'No stop - I really don't care enough to hear you out' would probably torture her most. She would probably hate the loss of control.

ashesgirl Mon 12-Nov-12 09:46:43

God, what a cow.

Standing up for yourself is in no way being mean back.

fantagrape Mon 12-Nov-12 10:59:20

If she makes a bitchy remark again, laugh right in her face retort something...anything! So much the better if others hear. Just don't look all wounded, that's what matters.

Also, I'm not sure why you're stressing about declining an invitation on Facebook. You're not attending, so ignore her invitation.

Galaxycounters Mon 12-Nov-12 11:10:40

I think that's the problem, my fear/unease with the situation visibly shows when she does things like that to me. I need to chill the heck out.

ashesgirl Mon 12-Nov-12 13:08:52

Just withdraw from her - the beauty of this approach is that you don't actually have to do anything or confront her etc.

You are clearly a lovely person who cares about the effect of your behaviour (unlike your friend)

Galaxycounters Mon 12-Nov-12 14:08:05

From now on I'm having nothing more to do with her. I'm going to ignore texts and FB messages. I have a feeling she will after a while when she realises I'm ignoring her, throw her toys out of her pram and delete me from FB anyway. Then the bad mouthing will start.

I think I am probably best if I just move on from the whole group of friends. I was actually thinking that really if they sit around and put up with her crap and manner of speaking to people then really they're not much better than her anyway. I think, without a doubt, that they will all side with her if she starts bad mouthing me anyway, as she is definitely the alpha female of the group.

As someone has pointed out, I am stuck in an abusive cycle with this woman, and I think I need to break out of it otherwise it's going to continue affecting the way I feel about myself overall. I feel like my confidence is very low at the moment and I think it's this that is getting me down.

Galaxy, honestly, if this circle of so-called "friends" of yours are happy to let her boss them around and dominate them and to see you being insulted and are too weak to challenge her behaviour, you are much better off without them. It sounds like a very unhealthy and totally messed up dynamic to me. Friendship groups just don't work like this normally!

And if she starts sending you nasty and abusive texts at some point in the future - then forward them to your other friends saying "What on earth is wrong with SuperBitch?? Is she insane? Does she really believe this is normal behaviour? This is why I can't hang out with you any more!"

CanonFodder Mon 12-Nov-12 15:37:57

Galaxy, I think it's good that you are going to leave this particular group, ESP if they are killing your confidence...but if you are cutting your losses anyway. Then why not TELL her that you are actually completely fed up with her lack of respect and the manner of her communication with you and that you respect yourself too much to be treated like that anymore and are therefore cutting all contact? It would make you feel SO much better!

Wingedharpy Mon 12-Nov-12 15:42:40

If your confidence is low Galaxy then you most certainly can do without this toxic woman in your life.
She's no friend to you and neither are her cronies (though, often the "gang" in these situations stands by and watches and says nothing because secretly they're just glad it's not them coming in for the verbal abuse etc).
I know nothing of FB but if there is any way that you can avoid even having to look at anything she's posted then just do that.
If she can tell that you've done that, well so be it. There's a message right there for her.
As you say - ignore the texts completely.
If she bad mouths you, it won't matter because you won't hear it.
Cutting her out of your life is a very positive thing to do and is a step in the right direction in regaining control and begining to re-build your confidence.
You sound far to lovely to belong to her gang of witches anyway.

Why can't you delte her from facebook first? Then whatever she does in response, well you wont know about it. Block her mobile no, email address etc.

DontmindifIdo Mon 12-Nov-12 15:56:43

I think quietly moving away is a good idea. You are just busy - don't give a reason, a cheery "sorry I can't make it, hope you all have a great time!" on the invites for group things should do it. Slowly when she loses her punchbag she'll turn on others, you might find she starts losing friends once you step away.

I'd also suggest if there are only one or two in the group you'd miss, arrange something personal just with them, could you invite them over to dinner at yours or for a coffee? That's therefore not a big thing they could invite everyone too, and they get to see you away from the group.

FellatioNelson Mon 12-Nov-12 15:59:59

Look, it's really simple. If being around her makes you unhappy then just stop. You owe her nothing. Don't worry about her turning mutual friends against you - if they will do that then they are her friends, but not really yours.

You don't need to have a big showdown - just distance yourself from her. If she asks you to do something as part of a group say No. if others ask you out as part of the same group, say yes. She'll soon get the message. From the sounds of things she keeps you around as a sort of historical obligation rather than because she still loves your company, so perhaps she will let you slip away quietly without noticing and making a fuss. Work on building a new set of friends who are not in her thrall. She sounds like an arse.

Oblomov Mon 12-Nov-12 16:11:44

I too agree with SM and all the others. Your nice personality prevents you from caustic remarks. Totally not necessary, anyway. Just drift away. No drama. This will work out very well for you, right everyone? I know thats hard to beleive, but beleive us, it will. truely.

FellatioNelson Mon 12-Nov-12 16:16:23

Like lots of men who routinely humiliate and put down their female partners, this 'friend' seems to need to have someone to hold in contempt in order to feel good about herself. Don't be her emotional punchbag. And personally I would not give her the pleasure of knowing that you care so much - just find other things/people to be busy with and drop her.

flippinada Mon 12-Nov-12 16:29:47

I've dealt with people like this in the past.

The best thing you can do for yourself is cut them out. No need to explain why or have some sort of confrontation (unless you want to), just ignore. Block from Facebook, ignore emails, texts and phone calls.

You will feel guilty for about five minutes, then utter relief, and you will be wondering why you didn't do it sooner. Good luck.

cakehappy Mon 12-Nov-12 16:37:31


I can really relate to your post!! I had an incredibly similar friend in my then circle of friends of a few years back who was, to be honest, totally toxic. She was very friendly and nice to everyone except for me for years and years and years. I tolerated her behaviour, made lots of effort, but she still was her same rude and bitchy self to me. I put up with it as I knew to keep my friends I had to tolerate her and I genuinely did want to make the effort to be closer to her. Eventully though, we fell out ( I am not one to take things lying down forever if you catch my drift). I finally challanged her when she did something that hurt me quite a bit, which I couldnt let go without finding out why she had done what she did. And when I say fell out, I mean fell out in the most spectacular way... she FREAKED out when I dared confront her. I did it in a calm and dignified way but she couldn't handle it and went nuts. She immediately called all our mutual friends and with lies and more lies turned everyone against me, bar one friend who she had been similarly rude to through the years and who could see through her. It was an incredibly difficult time for me as I lost overnight my group of very close female friendships I had cultivated carefully throughout the years as I am not native to the UK. This was 2 years ago and I can honestly say that it took me a year of sadness and tears and anger, before I finally accepted the demise of all those friendships. Although one of them is slowly filtering back, I wont see most of them ever again as far as I know.
Now, I wish I could say that I was glad I confronted her, but I am not. Not really. I paid a very high price and was stupid in thinking that I could " talk to her" about it. In retrospect I wish I had done things differently. I should have just completely emotionally detatched from her and anything she said and when I saw her, was just cool and polite yet distant. Basically eradicating her ability to affect and hurt me, I would have stopped making any effort to be anything to her and only interacting with her as little as possible. What I wish I had realised that I see now, is that she didnt like me AT ALL and never did and never would have either. I also suspect your " friend" doesnt like you either. This is obvious in the way she treats you. The quicker you realise and accpet that, the better off you are. You know the difference between a real friendship( warmth, laughter, affection,always happy to see/hear from you)and your friendship with her.
I would only cut her off if you are ready to lose the entire circle of friends. Only you know if its worth it. If you can emotionally detatch from her then I would do that before you comprimise your circle of friends. If you cant detatch from her and she continues to hurt and taunt you then I would seriously consider cutting her out and risk losing the whole group. It may be a sacrifice you have to make to get her out of your life. Its hard to believe that she would do everything she could to ruin your other friendships and probably your reputation with your mutual friends but trust me, these types of women have the ability and desire to manipulate and lie and twist things and turn people against each other in ways that I dont think you and I could or would want tosad This is just my story, sorry about the essay. Hope it helps.

FellatioNelson Mon 12-Nov-12 16:40:21

TBH I would not even bother blocking and blanking. If she notices then it will look a bit sulky and attention seeking on your part, and if she doesn't you will feel even worse. Just leave everything as it is, but don't comment on anything on her fb page, and if she texts you, reply, BUT NOT IMMEDIATELY, and say 'sorry can't do - busy that day' and just keep on until the habit of having her in your life is broken.

I promise you if you do something that provokes a show-down or a heart to heart with her, she will patronize you and make you feel like a needy hanger-on who is making a fuss over nothing and you will come away feeling worse about yourself.

Wrongbow Mon 12-Nov-12 17:15:53

If there are a few select friends in the group that you will be sad to lose, could you have a quiet word with them first? Warn them that she is likely to start spreading nasty untrue rumours about you? I guess it depends if you trust them enough not to go and tell her about it.

FarrowAndBollock Mon 12-Nov-12 17:39:55

Well done for recognising this OP.

I'd say keep it light and friendly if you see her. If you come across her, be brief and find an excuse to dash (dentist/phone call etc - find out how to make your phone ring without anyone calling you, or pretend you had it on vibrate in your pocket use that as an excuse to leave). Blame busyness/tiredness/cold/bad back for not being in touch.
I wouldn't bad mouth her to the rest as they sound as bad. Just say 'have't seen her for ages/keep missing her calls/you know how busy it is with children etc. Be distant and a bit vague. You may eventually feel a bit better and could even have some fun watching them wonder how you have turned into this wonderfully friendly but slightly aloof person who seems to have found better things to do with her time than put up with this rubbish. If it is any consolation, I do not believe your friend is happy or she would not behave like this (and yes, I agree she ma be jealous)

FarrowAndBollock Mon 12-Nov-12 17:42:15

PS: do post and let us know how it goes so we can support you and enjoy you getting the upper hand of this nasty little person

Can't you block people without them knowing? I assumed you could, could be wrong

drizzlecake Mon 12-Nov-12 18:21:14

Gosh, reading the OP brought back memories of school reunion I went to a couple of years ago. The primary school school-bully (who I have seen say 4 times in 50 years (yes 50 years) came up to me and made a snidey remark, then laughed loudly AT me, and afterwards I thought OMG she is still bitching! Unbelievable. I was always brighter than her at school, and I didn't have a broad local accent as my parents were from outside the area but apart from that I don't know what her problem was/is.
But it still brings up the horrid hurt/ angry feelings when someone belittles you like that.

I feel sorry for her to be honest and will just do well, nothing if I see her again. Perhaps laugh at her because I am so bemused that she can still harbour feelings against me! (though it was others that she bulliied).

The best thing you can do OP is make it look as if you are totally unconcerned, not angry, not hurt, then hopefully the 'friend' will soon get bored and move on (to some other poor victim).

flippinada Mon 12-Nov-12 18:35:35

Fellatio I get where you're coming from, but turn it around.

Why should Galaxy care how she comes across to people she doesn't like and don't matter to her?

Their opinion isn't important and tbh I'd place bets that worrying about being seen as nasty/unkind or whatever has contributed to this situation developing.

flippinada Mon 12-Nov-12 18:37:28

In conclusion, life really is too short to spend it worrying what people you don't like and don't care about think of you.

sonofzod Tue 13-Nov-12 05:17:57

life is too short to have people in your life that have a negative impact, she sounds like a friend for the deleted bin to be honest..

FellatioNelson Tue 13-Nov-12 05:43:38

Yes, but that's just it - I think she does 'like' her and it does 'matter' to her. Maybe for all the wrong reasons, like when a woman convinces herself that she really 'loves' a total arse of a bloke, even though rationally she can acknowledge that he treats her appallingly. It becomes a matter of deep insecurity, and about having the ability to 'make' someone love you back.

I don't think it will be especially cathartic for the OP to stand up and tell this friend exactly what she thinks of her, because for that to work the friend has to actually care if Galaxy no longer wants contact with her. I'm not sure she does, to be honest. I don't think it will get Galaxy the response she would be hopping for.

I think if Galaxy has self-esteem issues surrounding this friend then anything other than the friend being devastated, and apologising and promising to mend her ways (which I doubt will happen) will probably hurt Galaxy more than it punishes the friend iyswim.

If this friend is the dominating Alpha-female Queen Bee type Galaxy will probably get a very PA, half-arsed apology along the lines of 'Oh, well I'm sorry you think I do that, but you have always been a bit needy and over-sensitive, I should know that by now so I suppose I am at fault, sort of' and then she will probably start to blank Galaxy altogether on fb etc, phase her out of the group etc, and if Galaxy asks why it will be 'oh, well you seem to take offence at everything I say so I thought it would be better to give you some space for a while.' thereby absolving herself of the blame for the breakdown in the relationship. hmm

I think for Galaxy be truly free of the cycle of over-analysing this very unbalanced friendship and how she is completely taken for granted in it, she would be best just to make the decision to back off all by herself; she doesn't need to explain it, even if asked. The friend will get the message in the end. It's easy enough to drop friends who are past their sell-by date without having to have a big showdown/heart to heart over it. I should know - I've dropped loads. It's practically my specialist subject.grin

If she tells the friend how she feels it becomes a tennis match with Galaxy's feelings as the ball and my hunch is that the friend would win in straight sets. Even if the outcome was that the relationship was severed, I don't think Galaxy would come out feeling especially victorious. I suppose it is really down to her, and depends on how fragile she really feels over this.

FellatioNelson Tue 13-Nov-12 05:44:12

Blimey, that was long, and er... deep. I may be over-thinking this a tad. confused

ClareMarriott Tue 13-Nov-12 07:55:39

Dear Galaxy You only posted a couple of days ago but in that time you have received 121 messages from people who are basically saying the same thing - to extricate yourself from this unhealthy friendship that does'nt seem to have done YOU any good for many years. Personally, I am not a FB'er and will never be , but I can't see any reason why you simply don't reply to any invitation she posts on FB . I think it has probably got to the stage ( and you will only know this ) that you DO need to do something . Do you really want to stay as unhappy as you are for much longer ? You have a new circle of friends whose company you enjoy and however much it might feel unpleasant, I would suggest you leave your other "friend " to continue on her own sweet way.

Galaxycounters Tue 13-Nov-12 08:31:02

Thanks for the replies all, this reply has to be quick as I'm off to the school run but Fellatio, you have summed up exactly what she would say if tackled. She would never accept any responsibility or blame and would instead twist it onto me, and project that to our group of friends who would also see what a terrible person I am. She used to do it to me at school. I remember one incident, something very minor, where I wouldn't do as she said and when I arrived at school the next day half of our year weren't talking to me. Over time things did improve, once I toed the line and did as she said, and people did say to me that she had been telling them I'd said things that I hadn't. But no one ever tackled her on the lies once I said they were lies, and people were still as friendly as ever to her, so she totally got away with that one.

MarshaBrady Tue 13-Nov-12 09:24:31

I agree with Fellatio. She is already being hideous and you haven't done anything wrong. I imagine she will be fairly viscous and more painful if you say anything. So just distance yourself quietly.

The good thing is you have a lot more to gain than she does by simply getting rid of her from your life. You'll feel happier I'm sure.

janelikesjam Tue 13-Nov-12 09:44:11

So agree Galaxy with FellatioNelson and Farrow. I think they give great advice.

She also agree she sounds very vindictive, so I doubt anything would come of a showdown or heart-to-heart.

Being distant, elusive sounds a good idea to me and saves on your energy! As they said you don't owe her an explanation.

They had some great tactics for distancing yourself when you meet or whatever. Can I suggest writing them down?!

It may be a bit unclear to her for a while, but in a year or two she will have got the message smile

DontmindifIdo Tue 13-Nov-12 09:53:27

Galaxy - the reason she gets away with it is that everyone else, even if they do like her, are also scared of her. They will hear the bitchy comments you put up with and see she's nasty to them and they aren't quite brave enough to call her on it, because they know it'll be turned round onto them. Noone wants to be the next punchbag.

At school this is more pronounced, she's got to be more subtle now, but still she'll give an air of someone you don't want to mess with, so they don't. It could well be that once she no longer has you to be rude too, others will start getting it. It could well be when you're not there already she has a second victim. People like this need someone to put down, ideally suitably nice who won't call them on it (people like this are good at spotting who will shout back at them and dont mess with them).

Step away, but arrange personal things with the ones you like, don't slate horrible friend to them, just step away.

FarrowAndBollock Tue 13-Nov-12 11:32:13

Oooh, I'm getting quite cross on your behalf reading the last few posts since I posted yesterday, Galaxy.

I can assure you, you will feel better when you have dumped her. Make it your little game. Do not reply to the Facebook request ... if questioned, have a legitimate night out with a NICE friend planned that night (book it in now! just a glass of wine or two with someone who makes you feel like the lovely person you are). Avoid e-mails. Say you have been busy - or get a few remarks up your sleeve for when you don't want to explain something. My favourites for people like this are 'well I won't bore you with the details', or, if they continue to ask questions I don't want to answer 'gosh, so many questions' [with a shocked face].

I realised many years ago, that there are some people in life I can't answer back or beat, because they are willing to stoop to levels I won't (and can come up with snide replies quicker than me). So now I avoid those people and watch them wonder why.

I have dropped a couple of people recently and it feels lovely. Neither of these were people who were consistently nice to me and I was always in a state of wondering about our friendship. It is so empowering to be the one to decide that you deserve better. If you are feeling low, you need to be surrounded by people who make you feel good.

So that you don’t fall into another friendship like this, it might be worth examining why you let her treat you like this in the first place … why you didn’t feel you were worth more as a child. Very often this type of things comes from our place within the family and how they treat us.

Also, as Don'tmindifIdo says, the others are scared of her. Think how great you will feel to be the one person who has managed to break away from the bitch her.

FarrowAndBollock Tue 13-Nov-12 11:37:51

Oh yes ... and just hide her posts of Facebook so that she can't annoy you. To do this, hover the cursor just above one of her messages and to right top hand corner of her post. A little arrow will appear. Click on 'hide' and then click on 'hide all messages from [super bitch]'. This will be more subtle than deleting her.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 13-Nov-12 11:44:17

Is there anyway you can arrange to meet for a coffee privately with just ONE from the group that you really like and get on with, and confide in her?

Tell her you dont want to create a feud, you dont want a fight or a fuss, you just want to leave the group behind as you feel bullied by Dreadful Friend, and it is too upsetting to you. Tell her what has been going on, the jokes and the facebook comments, and that you cannot take any more. You know the back biting, the rumour spreading, and you know this will happen, but you just wanted to explain to a few of your friends (not the dreadful one) why you wont be coming to any more events and not think that you are snubbing them, you just cant take any more of Dreadful friends behaviour towards you. But ask that this is kept confident and not used to fan any flames that you know will come.

This way, the others will know, and perhaps not join in with the gossiping?

To be honest, they all seem pretty dreadful if nobody has pulled her up on her behaviour and all have stood by her so far.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 13-Nov-12 11:49:47

Just read Fellatios insightful post. Ignore what I posted.

DontmindifIdo Tue 13-Nov-12 13:07:25

Another question, has anyone else left that friendship group, or drifted away over the last few years? If anyone else just dropped off the radar it could be she was doing the same to them. it might help to look them up again.

Galaxycounters Tue 13-Nov-12 14:22:31

Thanks guys for all the advice!

I think I am really bad at picking up on signals to be honest and am far too trusting of people and also I put up with far too much and allow people to become a friend when they really shouldn't be. I think that's the difference between me and lots of people tbh. I do attract a fair few people that have no other friends or that others aren't keen on. With hindsight I really should have told my friend to get lost at school, or refused to be friends with her again after she turned everyone against me. I was a very weak person at school and my confidence was absolutely rock bottom. I am stronger now and more confident but not confident enough to cut bad people out of my life and I need to get better at that.

Dontmind, there is one person that got a bit ostracised from the group a while back, maybe I will contact her and see what happened there? There are also a handful of people that don't come out on the meet ups very often so maybe they keep her at arm's length too?

DontmindifIdo Tue 13-Nov-12 14:25:02

Galaxy - I bet those people would be glad to meet up if it was a clear just you and them meet up, not the whole group.

She is not your friend.

If she can turn an entire group of people away from being your friends, they are not your friends either.

Galaxycounters Tue 13-Nov-12 16:13:00

Ok, I've hidden her status updates on FB so I never have to see anything of hers, and I've limited what she can see on mine, so she will be able to see occasional general statuses but none of the everyday ones.

I've not had any texts from her or any messages so I shall just carry on as if she doesn't exist and if she sends any messages I will either not reply or be too busy to go/do whatever she is suggesting and send a to-the-point but polite message in reply.

Mayisout Tue 13-Nov-12 16:32:52

I don't know how big the town is that you live in but surely you can start exploring other avenues for new friendships. Is there a gym on the other side of town, running clubs, film clubs you could try.

Then the issue of not replying to texts and ignoring don't arise, you are just too busy with you new hobbies/ new friends etc. And there is no risk of responding to a confrontation with her or anyone else from the group because you are busy doing whatever (and happy and enjoying life) and just don't have time for the old stuff. No criticism of anyone, no avoiding.

The best snub to her is that you are happy in yourself and have no interest in her or her socialising.

Of course, it does take quite a bit of courage to join new clubs and groups but that in itself would take your mind away from this nasty individual.

Galaxycounters Tue 13-Nov-12 16:34:23

I've got other friends, but tbh I've never been into having a big social life as I'm a bit of a homebody and like my own and DH's company a lot of the time.

I think finding a new hobby might be a good idea though, I am planning on joining a gym with another friend and going to lots of classes so that will be one way to ensure I'm busy each evening.

IsSpringSprangedYet Tue 13-Nov-12 16:46:13

The friend that's been booted out that no one else speaks to, but you still do... how do they feel now? Liberated? Or left out and really upset about it all? Would it be such a bad thing if you just got on with your own friends, and left her and her cronies to it? As someone has said already, if they'll ditch you on her say so, they aren't worth keeping.

Sounds a bit like a cheesy high school flick to me. Like Mean Girls or something.

ChasedByBees Tue 13-Nov-12 19:54:18

Good plan OP. you could always meet some of the friends on a one-to-one basis for a coffee perhaps - I have a group of friends and whilst we often meet together there are times when just one or two of us will catch up. I was wondering if your other friends would definitely cut you off or if you just think they might because your confidence is low and if happened when you were younger. only you know for sure though and if there's a chance she'll be vicious as a result, your plan of going cool on all of them will be best. Think about it though.

FarrowAndBollock Wed 14-Nov-12 23:18:25

How is it going Galaxy? Have you heard from her?

Galaxycounters Thu 15-Nov-12 00:04:10

Hi Farrow! I haven't heard from her yet luckily. I feel loads better than I did the other day, almost as if a weight's been lifted from me now I've made the decision to cut her off. I don't even know now if I'm actually that bothered about mutual friends too, and feel a bit more relaxed about it all. I think I'll do what's best for me and let her reveal her true self to them all in time.

Thanks for asking smile

SomersetONeil Thu 15-Nov-12 03:35:26

You know what I think is the best possible tack in handling this? It's not to confront, or bite back with 'witty retorts', or even to completely withdraw from her.

It is - simply - to no longer care.

Easier said than done thought, right? So, you just need to fake it until you get to that point.

Pretend you've got a bit of a private joke going with yourself when she makes a cutting remark. A tiny little smirk of a laugh. An infinitesimal eye-roll accompanied by a Mona Lisa smile. A little chuckle to yourself when she does something daft. Even if you're not a 'LOL' type person - when she writes something toxic on your FB page - respond with LOL.

It will drive her crazy. grin

Passive agression at its absolutely best. smile You won't be doing anything that she can pin-point, or call you on. You will constantly be getting one over on her and subtley undermining her. She won't quite be able to see where or when the transfer of power is happening, but she'll know that it is - and she won't be able to do anything about it.

The reason she has all this power over you right now is because you care way too much. Even though you know you shouldn't, you do - and I don't blame you. She's an insidious witch who's had a massive hold over you for years. But it's time to start turning the tables now.

Seriously. If you are going to find yourself in situations with her in the future, this is so the tack to take. Good luck.

Galaxycounters Thu 15-Nov-12 10:00:03

I like those ideas Somerset! In fact they're really made me smile, and are something I'll try to pull off if she tackles me at any point or I bump into her and she starts.

You're right, I do care way too much. I think I am oversensitive as I seem to care too much about what people think of me.

FarrowAndBollock Thu 15-Nov-12 10:41:10

Somerset 'The reason she has all this power over you right now is because you care way too much. Even though you know you shouldn't, you do - and I don't blame you'- so, so true.

I'm glad you are feeling better Galaxy. It would also be quite cool if she stumbled across this on Mumsnet and saw your 144 posts of support, and none in her favour.

You probably will get ups and downs with her as I doubt she will relinquish the person she off-loads all her rubbish on to that easily - but hold your nerve if she kicks back - smile sweetly, look at your watch or pretend to get that phone call and make your excuses to go (and then come on here so we can cheer you on!).

EldritchCleavage Thu 15-Nov-12 12:46:51

Your friend is what is now known on MN as a 'Wendy'.

I cut off the Wendy I was 'friends' with at uni. Once we graduated I realised I no longer wanted her nastiness in my life. I never confronted her, just dropped contact, though when mutual friends asked me why I wasn't seeing her I said quite directly that I could not be bothered with the unpleasantness any more, but please not to say anything to her. They' d all noticed it, and accepted it.

Fast forward a couple of years and one friend told me that Wendy often asked them why I was no longer in touch. Apparently it drove her mad not knowing why I'd stopped bothering with her. Which is amazing really-5 minutes thought ought to have reminded her she'd been crapping on me for years. Anyway, there were no real repercussions and it was quite satisfying to hear I had done her head in for a change.

Food for thought?

Galaxycounters Thu 15-Nov-12 17:38:54

I really hope she does stumble upon this thread Farrow! That would be funny.

Eldritch, I have a feeling this friend won't have a clue either as to why I don't bother with her. She thinks she is in the right all the time.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 15-Nov-12 17:48:36

i had a wendy. in fifth year i told her to fuck off. i surprised myself, i must have snapped.

she did. it was fab.

FarrowAndBollock Sun 18-Nov-12 19:30:20

Is it working OP?

stuffitunderthebed Sun 18-Nov-12 23:04:19

So OP what's occurring?

madeiracake Mon 19-Nov-12 16:10:44

could you try talking to some of the other friends in the group about it? - not bitchily but just say that she's always putting you down [she sounds a total cow btw] and you don't understand why. Then next time she does it roll your eyes at them and hopefully you will find the dynamic has shifted and they will back you up. If they are basically nice people at any rate. If you do that and they still go along with her, then I agree you're best off getting out.

GoldenAutumn Mon 19-Nov-12 17:26:41

Some really good advice for you on this thread OP - I agree that the best thing for you to do is just not engage (and I'm quite a confrontational person!). Have you heard from anyone else in the group?

WinkyWinkola Tue 20-Nov-12 10:03:13

I wouldn't say a word to any of your mutual friends about it either. Anything you do say could be taken and warped.

Just fade from view with no fuss or drama.

If anybody does ask, just be totally neutral and say you've been busy. If you don't say anything bad about her or anyone then you will always keep moral high ground.

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:08

Agree with lots on here, with the addendum that FB is something that lots o fpeople dip into on a weekly basis or even less often, so if she does start up then you can always say 'oh I haven't been looking at FB for a while, I might check in later' in a vague sort of way. Totally non-confrontational.
Have you got the setting similar for the wider group of her friends? (The ones who don't see the nastiness.)

A year down the line you are bound to find out that loads of people from that circle of friends feel the same about her smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now