Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ginny pigs prove the options are of limited quality - Dating thread 28

(1000 Posts)
lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 18:45:54

New one - chit chat all dating stuff here.

Off you go! grin

MirandaWest Sun 11-Nov-12 18:48:48

Hello smile <posts on thread quickly before it gets to 1000 in about 5 minutes grin

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 18:49:47

Hello Miranda grin

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 18:50:42

bant just text her, honestly. None of this 2nd/3rd day game playing bollocks. If you want to see her again, just sort it out.

Toying with a text for Sirius Minchin. He looked at my OKC profile an hour ago... He's been on and off of it this afternoon, maybe he just needs a poke push.

What does one say in these circumstances?

MirandaWest Sun 11-Nov-12 18:51:43

I am down south this week staying at my mum and dads house as I am working in London next week. Am currently procrastinating and not preparing the exam paper I am marking tomorrow hmm.

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 18:55:24

Oh. Doesn't show up in my OKC searches anymore. Guess that's a 'no' then.

<hoists bosom>

lulubellaboozle Sun 11-Nov-12 18:55:47

Bant I'm of the 'do it now' school of thought, agree with Snape forget the game playing bollocks if you like someone.

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:02:21

Oh it's not about game playing, my worry was: if you've had a nice date with someone and they text you ten minutes afterwards, can it put you off for over-keenness or is it sweet?

Heleninahandcart Sun 11-Nov-12 19:06:19

Bantamif like them, it's sweet. Go for it.

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 19:06:39

I find it sweet bant, and my minimum expectation is a text or mail the same evening/night to say they had a good time and check I got home ok, or anything along those lines...

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 19:07:36

I think it depends what the text says.

If its OMG I think you're the 'one' I must see you again immediately

I would be running for the hills.

However if it says something like 'thanks for today was lovely to meet you - can I see you again soon

That's absolutely fine. And there's no way that should frighten anyone off smile

(Good to hear all went well btw!)

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 19:07:57

It hasn't been ten minutes though has it?!

I think this evening is fine. I'm never put off by journey home messages, 'it was lovely to meet you, you're a star! Lets definately do it again sometime soon?' Either gets the response, 'you're equally awesome! Lets do it!' Or 'oh. That's sweet. No spark, sorry. Be happy. Etc'. Then everyone knows whatis going on and everyone can move forwards eithe separately or as a team.

And I'm sorry, I know it's bollocks, but the bloke does this. You need to instigate this I'm afraid. That's not to say that women can't ask blokes on dates (she clearly did!) but you have to step up now. It's your turn.

Do it!

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 19:09:54

Yes, just text her already!

and report back what she says

Movingforward123 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:12:17

bant I would also say text her. its always nice to get a text the same day saying, I had a nice time etc smile

KirstyWirsty Sun 11-Nov-12 19:14:46

Bant have you texted yet!! You know it's right smile

wolfandi Sun 11-Nov-12 19:18:27

Sooo...I poked/flirted/whatever it is that you do to contact men in a cowardly way on POF this afternoon several times. I've decided that if I only prod the men without photos then they aren't real and therefore are safe to contact. As non-real people must be safe. Obviously. Regretting asking me to stay now folks?! My profile is hidden so it's just a way to allow them to view me and decide whether to say hi.

Today has not been the best. I've got some strange longstanding problem with my hip. It seized up in M&S this afternoon and made me fall over at the front of a long queue of people. And then I promptly burst into tears with the shock and embarrassment. That really helped with the embarrassment factor..! Doh. A large dominos pizza on the way home fixed everything though. I do love calories. So much. Not sure I have room in my life for sharing my calories with anyone.

I totally agree with Snape, Bantam - don't do the playing it cool crap. Just thank her for a lovely time sooner rather than later. And Snape - give him a poke and a push. Surely none of us can go wrong with sending pleasant texts in a non harrassing and friendly way unless thats why I'm very single?!

wolfandi Sun 11-Nov-12 19:20:00

Bollocks. By the time I'd finished writing that - the entire gang had posted. Please ignore all out of date comments on my post. Will book speed typing lessons pronto!

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:21:48

Yep, what they ^^ all said. Text her to say you had a nice time. I would be wanting that. (See all the girls agree so now you have to)

mercury7 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:23:24

I'm also in favour of the 'journey home' message, it doesnt have to turn into text ping pong!

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 19:23:27

Bant bant bant bant bant bant bant bant !!!

OhWesternWind Sun 11-Nov-12 19:31:11

Wolf loads of sympathy about the m&s incident. I have dodgy balance and have been known to do similar. Why do we get so embarrassed about falling over?

Guys without photos - hmm. I always wonder why there's no photo and think it's because a) they're married/in ltr b) they're scary looking or c) both of the above. Think I'd prefer to know who I'm winking at, but it passes an hour or so quite nicely smile

Hello again all. I post every five threads or so to say I'm joining in, then the thread moves so fast I can't catch up! But I keep reading to find out what's going on - I'm rather nosy like that!

Bantam -definitely send an 'I had a lovely time text'- Snape is right, has to be the bloke instigating, I'm afraid, and if you don't get one you assume there was nothing there for them, time to move on.

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 19:32:59

Okay okay okay. I'm not even home yet and text sent.. You're bullies, the lot of you.

But thanks smile

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 19:41:53

Hoorah! <high fives thread!>

Can't contact Sirius minchin. Surely with all the above, he has to contact me. Unsure whether he has blocked me on OKC or not (surely I'm not that hideous...). He comes up in a user name search, but not in a match.

I refuse to waste time thinking about it.


SweetSeraphim Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:37

I have a good feeling about you and Surrey girl, Bantam. There is an air of inevitability about it, in a good way.

Snape, I don't understand, what happened with Sirius?

SweetSeraphim Sun 11-Nov-12 19:43:27

Oh, x post.

WTF? Weirdo. Him, not you!

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 19:44:10

wolfandi good to see you back again! Boooo to the crap day, but hurrah for calories grin

I think bearing in mind the island situation thing your prodding method is wise.

Well done bantam - glad the date was good and the spark there

Snape shock at Sirius. How entirely rude!

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 19:45:53

Well, good manners are very important.


hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 19:47:48

Snape I think that's really rude of him too. It doesn't hurt to send a 'lovely to meet you but no spark' text.

Meanie angry

Super rude to just block someone! Definitely need to set up that ethical dating website pronto...

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Sun 11-Nov-12 19:57:30

Bantam definitely right move with the text smile

snape was ready to be envy about Sirius looking like Tim Minchin, but now confused about OKC.

watch fingers crossed for the house!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 11-Nov-12 19:58:39

bant - yay, right thing to do. she will like it ( if she liked you)

snape - what? how rude. are you sure he has blocked you?

just been speaking to a very nice lady about a private rent, its slightly out of my price range by 25 a month. have managed to persuade her to let it to me and a dog even though its got new EVERYTHING and is stunning and in the right area.

is it even worth asking to lower the rent? probably not..... mind you she was very impressed with me, said so. working for who i now work for is a bit of a gem ;) she liked that alot.

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 20:03:26

No idea whether he has or not. If I click on him on 'visitors' he still shows up. Aware I can't do that too often or I look like am weird stalker.

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 20:04:04

watch oh! Yay! For house! :-).

fayster Sun 11-Nov-12 20:04:25

Watch, that's brilliant news! I'd ask, what have you got to lose? Even if you asked for the reduction for six months, say?

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:06:31

snape I"m pretty sure if he blocked you you wouldn't be able to see his profile at all anymore?

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:07:17

watch Fab!

Oh, and apparently 'prosperity is going to come my way soon.' Fortune cookie said so so it must be true.

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 11-Nov-12 20:22:27

snape - sure if you were blocked you wouldnt see him? mind you, im not sure if the history stays??? like, if i go hidden searching, noone can see, BUT, when i do unhidden searching, all those i looked at when i was hidden appear in my visited box.
so.... no clue actually.

id need the rent reduction all the time, not just for 6 months smile
but only by 25 a month, its not a huge drop. and i am lovely smile
who knows. its a back up in case i dont get the other, which id love. but think its a tall order when there are 3 other couples also wanting it.

yoga - that has to be a job, surely smile

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 20:25:06

And I just got a response from SurreyGirl saying she had a lovely time too and it would be nice to to it again. :D

Now I'm going to agonise over the word 'nice'. Or grow the hell up, possibly.

Apparently the ethical dating website is retrospectively working. I haven't even created it, but have talked about it on here, and I just got an email on Match from the Amazing Disappearing Historian, who just dropped off the radar after two dates and various enthusiastic noises about a third.

She owes me an apology, she says, but a recent ex reappeared, and while shes not with him she knows she's not in a position to fairly treat a new gentleman in her life. Sorry and good luck etc. And she thanks me for being a gentleman.

I really want to respond with 'you fuckmuppet' but maybe I'll just maintain a dignified silence.

Or I could ask for a picture of her topless? smile

KirstyWirsty Sun 11-Nov-12 20:31:21

yoga fingers crossed!! Is tomorrow your date with the engineer?? <the one direction cd is DD's btw>

watch fingers crossed for the nicer house and getting it for the cheaper price

KirstyWirsty Sun 11-Nov-12 20:33:22

bant are you being lined up to be her fail safe?? I'd just ignore .. Too little too late in my book .. Ignore!

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 20:43:31

bant. I actually think that is nice of her to do so. I'd never ever date her again, but I'd appreciate the thought/closure.

'Nice' is nice from Surrey girl. That's ok. Maybe not terribly enthusiastic, but she might be playing her card close to her chest...

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 20:45:36

watch brilliant re house! So you have a back-up if first choice falls through, that's great smile So pleased job is going well too, it will make a massive difference to your social life I'm sure of it, and at perfect time of year (people always make more of an effort to socialise at xmas, and also when in new jobs. So all good!)

bantam why couldn't Historian have told you that a few weeks ago when you text her re a 3rd date, instead of ignoring you?

Re Surreygirls use of the word nice, if she's anything like me her composition of that text will have gone as follows (disclaimer I am sure hope for your sake she is nothing like me):

So, Ill say 'it would be ______ to do it again'

Fab - no, sounds a bit girly/faux cheery....

Great - Hmm, not convinced that's right either.

Lovely - no can't say that, I've already said I had a lovely time. He'll think I have no vocabulary.

Amazing - Oh, FFS, far too enthusiastic. Next thing I'll be saying totes amaze like a TOWIE reject

Nice - yes, ok, that'll do.

<text sent>

Oh bollocks, could I not have said something better than 'nice'? hmm <slaps self with wetfish>

On an average text to a 'man' I know what I want to say within 10 secs, it then takes me another 10 mins at least to worry about the wording. I used feel and feelings in the same text recently and kicked myself for a considerable time thereafter. I very much doubt he even noticed...

EiePie Sun 11-Nov-12 20:45:44

<just marking my 'spot' on the new thread grin>

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 20:47:05

Might have just had another look at Sirius, new pic up, again, does him no justice whatsoever but seems to have the curious primordial response of wanting to lick his face. That's new.

Shall not look again. Oh no. lies

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 20:52:33

bantam that strikes me as something I would say - also trying not to look insanekeencrazylike.

Worley Sun 11-Nov-12 20:53:48

marking my place...
Bant - I have quite often used the word nice.. and meant it would be really nice.. so if I use the word nice do men take it as a not so good thing?

Pixiebelle123 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:54:03

Bantam ignore, ignore, ignore - you are worth more than being a fail safe and if you reply at all you'll only feed her ego (she says after sending fwb numerous texts since being dumped, completely emotionally unintelligent here I'm afraid!). But def text surreygirl to say what a fab time you had.

watch - good luck with the house.

snape - he sounds complicated already but seeing as you liked him I hope he gets in touch soon.

I've messaged a couple of guys on POF this eve but it generally seems like the only men who want to speak to me on there are oddballs.

smoothieooo Sun 11-Nov-12 20:54:57

First date with Cambridge man lasted 6 hours. Drinks in Liverpool Street, curry in Brick Lane, arm holding, then hand holding, then snogging.... AMAZING!!

Dates 2 and 3 already arranged. My very first Match meet up and it was fabulous. He is very nice indeed. Blimey... grin

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 11-Nov-12 20:57:39

sponge, you think that much about texts?
i am rubbish, i dont even think, i just send.... possibly its where i go wrong smile
i dont ever think how stuff sounds, its me, it just comes out, and is out there. i
yeah, am pleased about the work thing, our team is great. we have all been saying we have never worked anywhere where we have got on with everyone so well. its really lovely. Im sure the week away helped lots as it was good for bonding.

snape - i would think if you can see him you cant be blocked. then again, i think on okc you can only block people from messaging you, not from viewing.

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 20:58:51

nice one smoothie. Hmm, a man from Cambridge meeting someone from OD in liverpool street today? Seems to be a trend.

By the way everyone, before anyone thinks it, smoothieoo is not SurreyGirl, and I am not Cambridge man.

I didn't have curry today...

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:01:32

Bant she said 'nice' but she also said 'lovely'. (Also totally second what sponge said but then you'll think all of us laydeez are crazy!)

Kirsty Ok, you're off the hook on the One Direction CD. Yes, date with the engineer is tomorrow. Coffee (with a small c) at a 'nice' local place. Very excited. Did I mention he plays the guitar? And has lovely eyes? Not that I'm getting my hopes up or anything. Off to go find myself one of those wet fish you lot keep talking about...

smoothieooo Sun 11-Nov-12 21:01:49

* disclaimer. There was lots of alcohol involved.

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:03:30

Oh no, I've blocked people voldemort from seeing or messaging me. he They cease to exist, he they don't show up in matches and I can't see his their profile...

I'm not quite sure how to proceed. Monday night date guy, no contact after, I didn't like him that much, I got it was mutual, that's fine. Sirius, I do like, I think he might have liked me.. I don't want to overplay my hand. Nnnnnnn.

smoothieooo Sun 11-Nov-12 21:03:40

Plus I would never say nice Bantam!

Fabulous/amazing possibly... Oh just ignore me, I'm pissed!

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:06:17

Ok, can I ask a question on here about how to deal with a situation with XH or is that another thread entirely?

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 21:06:18

watch not all the time - just some of them. I don't think I sent a text to LC I didn't take a good 30 10 minutes to compose. I accept ENTIRELY that I am a bit odd though grin

smoothie great news smile Forgot you had a date today too. When are you seeing him next?

PFWB whatsappd me earlier, and again just now. I suspect he has split up with whichever girl he's been seeing since he was last in contact a few weeks ago and feels like trying his luck. I have ignored him both times and now turned my phone off. I never turn my phone off, this is a first!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 11-Nov-12 21:16:11

sadi dont think im going to get the house. text recieved saying most landlords dont take HB or dogs but she will do what she can.
bearing in mind the other people looking were a recently seperated woman ( who would also claim HB) and a girl who wanted to live with her friend.

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:19:21

Nnnnnn, texted him. Nnnnnnn.

'Good coffee, sliced plastinated men, the human genome, dulce et decorum est & intelligent, sparky conversation made for an ideal 1st date. Was really lovely to meet you :-)'

<saws off hands>

<does not text again>

<expects 'how old are your kids?' Text >

<retreats to new notebook>

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:21:00

watch ok, most landlords don't... But you are not 'most' tenants. Onwards! Everything's I'll work out, because I say so and I am always right about everything apart from men. Just ignore me about men

smoothieooo Sun 11-Nov-12 21:22:22

Sorry Watch and fingers crossed for the next one where HB and dog are welcome!

Sponge I think he will come to me next Sunday and I'll go to Cambridge the week after. That's the current plan but we all know that these things may go awry in the meantime!

Yoga - what's your ExH question?

MyLittleMiracles Sun 11-Nov-12 21:24:51

Just popped in to say hi! Life is hard but i am still breathing!!! NOT DATING But concentrating on other parts of my life, mainly my son, housing and getting me well!

FlorentinePogen Sun 11-Nov-12 21:25:13

Or I could ask for a picture of her topless?

Or send her a cockshot parting shot. Yours, no cheating now.

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 21:27:58

Florentine - that would just be cruel smile

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 21:28:34

Yoga - maybe start a new thread in relationships and point us to it?

Pixiebelle123 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:28:53

yoga what's the ex question? Having a nightmare ex myself I'm happy to help if I can!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 11-Nov-12 21:28:53

snape - i know. im just very very worried about ending up homeless or at my bloody mothers. its a very real possibility.

i hope he texts back.

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:30:36

He did. No spark, ahh well. :-)

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:30:43

Ok, XH question, apologies for it being a bit long.

Pattern since we split has been, we try to be civilised for a while then I say something he misinterprets or that just doesn't suit him and he turns into a bully. He attacks me or just flat out ignores me for days or even weeks. Followed by profuse apologies. Over and over again.

Last straw was over a month ago. DD has a big event coming up in March that I really would have liked to plan together. In fact he sent the first message to me saying 'we really must work together on this.' But once he realised I was on board he changed his tune - rebuffed all my requests to discuss it, agreed to a meeting then cancelled it at the last minute. Said he was going to handle it all and there was nothing to discuss. I finally decided, for my own sanity, and for DD's sake, not to fight with him and just let him do it. I even handed over all the research & ideas I already had. It just wasn't worth the fight.

So today, over a month after we last talked about it, he sent me an email saying please can we discuss it!!!! (He's either realised it's too much hard work or doesn't want to look bad by excluding me). I've been really good at not engaging in any battles with him for a while now but feel this is maybe too big to ignore so have drafted this:

“No, I really don't think we can discuss it. As has happened every single other time we've tried to discuss anything it will be fine at first. Until it's not. I do not trust you to behave rationally and respectfully towards me for any length of time. As soon as I say something you don't like or you misinterpret it will all go wrong. It's happened too many times now and the way you responded to my phone calls and emails about the <event> really was the last straw. It’s been almost exactly a year since this all started and I have had enough heartache in the last 12 months to last me a life time. I don't need anymore. So feel free to use the information I gave you if you want it. Or don't. I'm sure you and <DD> will figure it out. Good luck”


hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 21:32:02

Snape was going to suggest you text him. If he doesn't reply, he is a fool. And you don't want to date a fool smile

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:33:20

Snape glad you texted him and got a reply. Shame not the one you wanted but better to know.

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:19

Yoga I would do a new thread for as broad a spectrum of replies as possible... and point us to it. Not that you can't ask here, it's just when it comes to twatty exes, the nest of vipers general mn'ers as well as us are what ya need!

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:24

yoga, i think thats fine and reasonable to send, its straight to be the point and not inflamatory. its good.

snape- sorry sad

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:35:47

Ooh, sorry, posted before I saw suggestions of a separate thread. Just a few yays or nays will do.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 21:37:08

I'm baaaack... smile

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 21:39:41

yoga in your position, I would reply simply with 'No'. Don't elaborate, don't explain.

Anything more and you give him too much power. He will thrive on knowing the effect he has on you by behaving as he does, therefore engage with him as little as possible.

Snape sorry. But he's still a fool. Albeit one with some manners.

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 21:40:31

Mac how was it?? Spill!

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:42:19

Slightly fucked off to be honest. From the point of view that no one I have ever liked has ever liked me. Didn't fancy DCs dad when we met, had ONS that got a bit...complicated (...) i grew to love him, but anyone I have ever thought 'oh! Wow!' at has never reciprocated that 'wow', which sucks a bit.

Good to know re Sirius before owt actually happened, but it sucks. It sucks to have that tiny wee new flame extinguished. Again. Hey ho. All will be well etc. at least I didn't hope too much.

smoothieooo Sun 11-Nov-12 21:44:12

Yoga it's concise, dignified, to the point and reasonable. Although given his previous form, it might be too much to ask for a satisfactory response.

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 21:44:47

Oh cross posted with loads!

Snape, ah well. Sounds like a nice day out was had though <hug or manly arm punch depending what you fancy>

Yoga, still think another thread would be a good idea - but I agree with the others saying don't engage on that kind of level with him, but I think a simple no will be interpreted as you being difficult

I would say "No, because going on your past form, I do not trust you to behave rationally and respectfully towards me for any length of time"

Then he knows it's him, but you haven't got emotional about it.

lubeybooby Sun 11-Nov-12 21:46:11

Argh, cross posted again.

Snape - a definite hug!

Scattylatte Sun 11-Nov-12 21:46:39

Hello MLM. So pleased you are ok.

Snape. I won't hear from my walking date. Not bothered. But part of me things, hang on how could you not like me. But that's my ego.

Mac and cheese. Spill

Sponge any LC developments?

Scattylatte Sun 11-Nov-12 21:47:54

It sucks Snape. Definitely.

MyLittleMiracles Sun 11-Nov-12 21:50:41

We are all gorgeous amazing intelligent women granted in my case none of those are true so any one who doesnt want a second date is obviously a stupid arse incompatible

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 21:51:07

Well, we had a few drinks. Was a bit hmm as he was late but that's because I'm always early

He's nice. Not particularly chatty, but nice enough company - we have a few things in common. and he's bloody gorgeous

He just texted me to say it was nice chatting to me and that he hoped I enjoyed it. confused

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 21:51:46

Snape - yes, a bit crap. But, at least you heard back and know where you stand. And you didn't seem that keen on him immediately afterwards - or it didn't come across that way. Onwards and upwards, eh?

Mac - I second Latte. Spill.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 21:51:53

Oh Snape. Most definitely his loss. (Hug)

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:51:55

Meh. Deleted his number. Not quite sure why he felt the need to check my ok profile twice after saying goodbye (what, just to make sure there was no spark...?) but <shrugs> i'm clearly used to rejection. Honestly no biggie. :-)

snapespeare Sun 11-Nov-12 21:52:35

MLM!!! Hello! smile

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 21:53:59

Ah. You spilled. Want to do a second date with him? Sounds like he wants one.

MLM - I'll grant you I'm gorgeous amazing and intelligent (and I'm blushing here) but I call you on your last point. And your strikethroughs

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:55:35

Mac could be wrong but you don't sound overly enthused?

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 21:55:55

I like Lubeys suggestion smile

Snape sad about today but I'm not sure I've ever had the 'wow' moment really, maybe I did with the lovely Ex, but not other than that. My general thoughts about men who've liked me in the past have been 'he'll do' blush Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of...

I did once meet someone who literally made me weak at the knees the first time I saw him, but to say he was uninterested in me despite me spending hours on the phone with him and giving him a tonne of free legal advice would be an understatement.

Scatty I always do the 'how could you not like me' thing too. I just tell myself there are a lot of very stupid men out there smile

MLM good to see you back. Hope all is well with you!

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 21:57:07

No don't get me wrong, I'd like to see him again. But I couldn't read him, it was most perturbing for me. I'm used to being able to read people to a certain extent.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 21:58:40

Do you think bantam? I mean he could just be downplaying it, he did find me funny what can I say, I'm hilarious after a few drinks but I'm the body language person.

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 22:00:33

Mac I hate not being able to read people. Happened to me with TheBarbour. Couldn't tell at all if he was interested during the date, or really from his texts after, not even when he asked to see me again (not that I ever did)

when a few weeks later he sent me a pic of his bath followed by a cock shot it became more clear where his interest lay hmm.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:04:03

Sounds like such a catch sponge hmm

I mean I think he's interested, but you never can tell.

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:04:38

Mac hmm, don't know what to make of that.

Snape sorry that really is sad. I'm half expecting something similar tomorrow (is this a good time for the wet fish?)

And sorry for attempted thread hijack. Thanks for replies. Am going to go with a much more abbreviated response along the lines of what lubey said.

mercury7 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:08:01


bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 22:08:19

Mac - him saying 'hope you enjoyed it' is ambiguous, but it could mean he's not going to put himself out there and be vulnerable, say he loved it and ask for a second date only to get shot down - instead he's saying 'I enjoyed myself, please tell me you did too, then maybe I'll feel confident enough to ask you out again - or ideally you'll suggest it'

So, you have a few choices - what do you want - a second date with him but not risk getting turned down by asking him for one?

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:20:43

Bantam - if he didn't like me, do you think he'd text me 10 minutes after I left? confused

I need to think. I think I'm so used to men being overtly interested that I'm not sure how to handle someone who comes across as neutral anymore. That's the thing with OD - if you're in contact with someone, you know beforehand if they're interested. <huge generalisation there, but I hope my point is somewhat understandable.

He was a bit so so when it came to actually planning something as well, so this isn't entirely out of character.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:23:08

^ I sound like such a teenage there hmm blush

let's ignore the fact that I technically still am

Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:33:38

Mac I think the fact that he's being a bit "so so" at this stage is probably not a great sign.

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 22:33:58

Mac - ok, he wants to see you again, you want to see him again. If your concern is that you can't read him, that's not a bad thing, surely? I think half of the fun is the mystery of working out new people

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:37:04

bantam that's a valid point. It's not always such a good thing to be able to tell when someone you barely know is lying to you..

But yoga I understand your point too!

Hmmm. I'll text him I think. Nothing to lose I guess.

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 22:39:16

Mac let us choose the wording. Pleeeeease smile

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:41:01

<sigh> I suppose so...


I was thinking

"Hey, yeah it was good talking to you too - a bit cheeky as you would say! :P hope you enjoyed yourself x"

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 22:43:32

that has a certain finality to it I think - 'hope you enjoyed yourself' in response implies 'cos you're not going to get any more'. If you can tag a question on the end then it keeps it open to him responding and asking to do it again.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:45:53

Oh crap, I liked it so I sent it blush I figured it was good because he'd said that he hoped I enjoyed it. Like mirroring body language.


Yogagirl17 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:53:43

Doesn't matter, you've sent it now so now point worrying. Just wait and see what happens.

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 22:58:02

Ooh hello, we've got a reply.

grin the suggestion of dinner in the week is good yes?

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 23:00:26

well that depends if you like eating. Do you?

mercury7 Sun 11-Nov-12 23:01:26

after a first date, assuming I liked the bloke I usually text something like 'really enjoyed chatting with you, would love to get together again if you're up for it'

Then the ball is in his court and I leave it there, if he doesnt pick it up and run with it I'll just file him in the 'water under the bridge' section grin

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 23:02:26

bantam - does a duck like water?! Food is very important to me.

Good strategy mercury <thumbs up>

hatesponge Sun 11-Nov-12 23:08:13

mac grin I think thats great!

Unless you're me of course with my weird phobia about eating in front of men I'm interested in...

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 23:12:05

I used to be a little hmm about eating in front of people I don't know. Then I started dating. Lunch dates are a big thing ar

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 23:12:33

around here.

I've just name changed. I had changed it quickly recently to get my profile checked out and will make this my dating name until I have to do it again due to some sort of indiscretion.

This has to be a sort of super Sunday for dating. Pleased for all of you who got it going on today smile

MacAndCheese Sun 11-Nov-12 23:22:32

Welcome back Juliette!! smile

bantamrooster Sun 11-Nov-12 23:24:29

Hi Juliette. Are you new to the thread or do you know everything there is going on?

Yes, Super sunday indeed. Mostly london based, but with Cambridge men involved too. Not a bad day really

Secretservice Mon 12-Nov-12 00:11:46

Back again! Lots of positive woo tonight!

I would just like to share this POF message, from someone I quite liked the look of. This is just a tiny snippet, - a response to my profile saying I'd like to meet someone who can remind me life is supposed to be fun

'That is when to have someone you trust (and that you feel is your truly best friend) by your side get into the game lightening up the situation and showing that you are just about to open a new a Chinese saying goes "to cure your bones you need to cut your skin"...if this make sense to you. To me it does. A lot.'

So the question is: am I just to shallow to understand something too deep or is he just completely bonkers?

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 00:18:45

To me it sounds like he may want to kill you and eat you. You don't need to cut skin to cure bones. That's what plaster casts are for.

Sounds like this guy has no medical training at all. And he's possibly on some kind of drugs.

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 00:23:45

Bonkers. Absolutely. Unless it has some deep symbolic meaning hmm

Secretservice Mon 12-Nov-12 00:25:54

Phew! It's not just being thick then!

He goes on and on about Billie Holiday's Gloomy Monday and offers to explain why it's known as the suicide song. And ths is to show me he can bring fun into my life!!

I probably should just ignore, but if any of you has a suitable response ...

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 00:31:51

Tell him you like ernie's rubber ducky when you're in a philosophical mood

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Mon 12-Nov-12 00:35:17

Secret bonkers indeed!

It's also been a Super Sunday in the west country too (and there was no scrumoy involved!) wink

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 00:57:28

Strictly is that a euphemism I see? wink

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 01:08:02

can't sleep sad

mac yay, that's great!

Aw I luurrrve rubber ducky!

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 01:11:10

Thank you Yoga I can't sleep either hmm

Anything in particular keeping you awake?

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 01:16:24

First just cause I was thinking about tomorrow's date. Felt a bit nervous. But nice. Then because i got a reply from fuckmuppet XH. Was just thinking of starting a new thread on it. Fucking wanker twat. angry

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 01:18:38

Eek for tomorrow's date! What have you got planned?

WRT exH, it may be therapeutic for you to start a thread and just pour it out? I'm not sure about the number of replies you'd get this time of night, but just getting it out of your system might help you get some sleep. smile

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 01:20:02

Coffee date at a lovely little place nearby.

What about you - what's keeping you up?

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 01:26:21

Ooh. Will there be cake?

I don't know what's keeping me up tonight. confused it's most disconcerting.

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 01:29:53

Ooh, cake. I hadn't thought about cake. Mostly I was wondering if there might be kissing? blush But cake woudl be good too.

I used to have the worst insomnia. I didn't sleep well for YEARS when I was married. And ever since the fucker left I've slept brilliantly. Except for the odd night like this. But how's a girl to look good for her date without sleep? sad

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 01:37:14

New thread here if anyone's interested TWAT

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 01:42:39

Kissing is good too Yoga. I'm food focussed at the moment.

Hmm, interesting correlation between exH and sleeping patterns. Tosspot. (Him obviously)

"How's a girl to look good for her date without sleep?" - concealer grin

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Mon 12-Nov-12 07:41:31

Hmmm, just spotted a typo in my late night post! *scrumpy obviously...

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 07:59:57

Yoga good luck with todays date smile

Start of my second to last week in my current job. To say I am looking forward to leaving is an understatement! But not long to go now...also think I might take a look at the dukan following your recommendation Snape. Am feeling v fat and bloated atm so hopefully it will help with that...

Scattylatte Mon 12-Nov-12 08:00:24

Feeling a bit gloomy today, not sure why. Got a message from someone on Okc who said he liked my cheerfulness and he likes his women a bit chubby. Most of his pictures are off religious icons and cows. Then of course my lack lustre date from yesterday who wasn't 5ft11 is slightly annoying me because he a) lied about his height and b) didn't even send the no spark text which I think is respectful as I was the one who drove 30mims not him!!

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 08:36:15

so come on strictly - details on the scrumpiless dating?
yoga - good luck with the coffee
Scatty - annoying when there's no text, maybe he was embarrassed about getting caught obviously lying? I think the 'no spark' text is polite but not essential when it's obvious or in response - just the act of not following up with a request for a second date is enough to send a message, although cowardly

Ah, I've got to work out these rules for ethical dating. And do I reward Nectar points for good behaviour?

bantam - I don't approve of the Nectar points idea. It's like frequent flyer miles and favours those who go on lots of dates which discriminates against those of us in rural areas who have far fewer opportunities.

natureslaw Mon 12-Nov-12 09:08:01

I've been lurking for a while, I'm completely new to OD and terrified!
Can I join in?

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 09:15:44

Hi Nature - of course you can. The first rule about the dating forum is - you do not talk about the dating forum...

how are you doing so far?

OhWesternWind Mon 12-Nov-12 09:16:30

Hi Nature - course you can! Pull up a chair and fire away . . . (PS It's not scary really, honest)

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 09:30:01

I was joking about the Nectar points voice and I get your point about those in rural areas. The point of ethical dating though, at least as far as I've got this fuzzy idea in the back of my mind, is that it is aimed at making OD a less confusing and potentially unpleasant process for all involved.

There would be a membership fee, although not as much as This would give people the ability to contact a certain number of people on the site. Winking would be free, probably.

The fee pays for a certain number of points each month which are used to contact people - this is like Zoosk where you can buy additional points to contact users (if I remember correctly) The difference is that behaving badly - e.g. standing someone up, disappearing off the scene with no reason, sending cockshots or requesting nude pictures etc reduces your points so people shouldn't do it, or at least would be penalised, and would have their profile marked as such : The black mark of shame. That way users can see people who are unreliable, who have turned out to be rude or arrogant on dates, who have dropped off the radar. People can also earn more points by doing things like sending the no spark text. Okay it's not nice to get but it gives closure at least.

So, you know more about what you're getting into and you can earn more points by generally being nice to people.

Yes, people in the city who go on more dates and behave well would earn more points, but also they make dating a bit of a less potentially unpleasant experience for the people they date. Those who go on lots of dates in the city and act badly end up with the mark of shame and lose points to contact people.

bantam - um, you really didn't think I was being serious, did you???? Oh dear...

bantam - additional (non jokey) thought. how do you ensure people are being honest with their 'black marks'? Let's say person A goes on a date with person B. Then on a second date. Person A REALLY likes person B but B doesn't feel the same. Person B declines third date. Person A feels mortally wounded and gives them a black mark.

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 09:43:58

Morning. Hi nature - welcome.

Bantam - Can we do "liking" instead of "winking" (winking always strikes me as slightly sleazy)? Also, has anyone noticed on POF there is a way to write a "testimonial"? Problem is by the time you have something negative to say about someone they've probably blocked you! Not sure how to get around that.

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 12-Nov-12 09:47:36

You crazy dating people can sure talk!

Watch - congratulations on the house. Course the rent will stay discounted what with your loveliness and good tenantness. (can hear my communications teacher groaning now grin)

Bant - glad the date with surreygirl went well! I wouldn't stress over the nice though nice is not one of my favourite words she wants to see you again, win win.

I am like watch with texting, can't be bothered over analysing stuff and just work on the theory of 'hey, this is me. This is how I am. If you don't like it, ah well' smile

Snape - never mind Sirius Michelin, you know half of mumsnet have a crush on you after the notebook, his loss.

Moving - mismatched sex drives would be a deal breaker for me. Been there in my marriage and wouldn't do it again in the future. Look at the bloke and think to yourself, would I be happy in a years time with him falling asleep on the couch? As long as realistically you aren't expecting too much, like rampant sex after he has worked a twelve hour shift or something, then I wouldn't waste my time to be honest.

Hello to everyone else smile

I have had a nice weekend, unexpected childfree one as my mother wanted the kids so wasted it reading books and pretending Christmas is still months and months away smile NL stayed the last two nights, all good. Putting my wee wobble thing down to excess female hormones. grin

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 09:57:31

I think the black mark thing might end up like negative feedback on Ebay, with potential to be unfairly used by the unscrupulous to destroy someone's otherwise 100% positive rating grin

Might require more work....

watch - any more house news?? still keeping fingers crossed all works out!

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 09:59:15

This is all just ideas floating around my head - all input welcome. Not sure if anything will come of it, although by now one of the lurkers may have gone off and started the business already (hint hint)

I think 'smiling' instead of winking - or even liking. It's nice when someone smiles at you in a bar, at a party, whatever. Makes you feel weird when they wink, and you can't really like someone till you've met them can you?

Voice - yes I did think you were serious - that's the problem with chat forums, the dripping sarcasm doesn't quite come across when you just read words on a screen..

Oh and people don't give each other black marks, they are just able to choose from a list of 'offences' - didn't show up, did a disappearing act etc all of which are appealable, - and those who report the faux pas can get a history of being overly critical of other users. If you complain a lot about other users, that shows up on your profile too - not just once or twice though

All this, as I said, is just musings. Would be nice though.

snapespeare Mon 12-Nov-12 10:01:40

I've just woken up really sad. Sirius, bless him was very kind but said there was a lack of 'chemistry' and he saw me as a 'cool friend' rather than anything romantic. So woke up thinking about that, how I always seem to be relegated to 'cool-hot-friend' with anyone I might be remotely interested in a romantic relationship with… which of course leads straight to thinking about Voldie. Then remembered I'd dreamed about Voldie - and it was sad and lovely. sad

Having a terrible time with DS2, he's still not back at school after being attacked last monday. I am at my wits end. Under usual circumstances I could have told my best friend about this and had some soothing. Unfortuantely, he turned out to be a selfish cunt.

Deleting profiles later, back to the sofa, budge up! I need to use the reamining amount of strength I have on fighting the stupid work decision and on my wonderful darling DCs, not fannying around on OKC.

Am never sure about the whole 'winking' type of thing. People wink and then you mail them and they never reply. It's like Favourites on POF. You discover someone has listed you as a favourite, so you send them a message, and they never reply. Leaves you a bit "WTF?"

I think all those sort of things are just gimmicky and really not much use. Are people REALLY too shy just to send a simple, brief message they can only wink? I tend to think if so, then OD probably isn't going to be for them, as you need a thicker skin to cope with it.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 10:32:23

voice - yes I think people are too shy, in some cases. Generally I get winked at by women who are either scammers - obviously so, or I just don't fancy them. Too old, too far, too unattractive, too obviously mad.

I've received a few emails out of the blue from people I liked, and have had a couple of dates from that, but generally OD is very old fashioned. The men do the 'winking' and hope, usually in vain, that their wink is soooo much better than the other winks the woman in question is getting that she'll be intrigued enough to look at his profile and either wink back or message him first.

Generally, although not always, women wait to receive a decent mail from someone she likes. The different sites make people act differently, however, and the amount of dross on POF makes some women hide their profile and just approach men they like - otherwise they're drowning in the sparkling wit of 'hey, howz u? U look purdy'

Winks and smiles and favourites have their place. I don't bother winking, if I like someone I mail them. And sometimes they respond. I use 'favourites' on Match to store the profile of someone I've seen when I really didn't have the time to send an email, or I'm already mailing 2 or 3 women, some of which may lead to dates and really don't want to try and have 4 or 5 conversations going on simultaneously. Then when all of those 2 or 3 crash and burn, I can mail the favourites. I don't expect them to respond to that though, they probably have enough guys favoriting, winking and 'hey babe'-ing them.

How are you doing on the OD scene by the way, voice? Active?

smoothieooo Mon 12-Nov-12 10:46:21

Morning all.

Dreadful hangover. But have had a text already this morning which made me grin Cambridge man (not Bantam but the other one) is still smiling apparently.

Sorry... just had to share.

natureslaw Mon 12-Nov-12 10:47:04

I looked on Match for the first time a week or so ago.
Although I'm wondering whether I should be less picky?

QuestionTime Mon 12-Nov-12 10:52:10

Hi ladies. Can I join you please? My first foray into the world of online dating and my goodness it's taking some getting used to! Meeting someone for a drink tomorrow - any tips / etiquette I should know about?!

Pixiebelle123 Mon 12-Nov-12 10:53:06

Good morning all, wow this thread moves so fast.

Snape so sorry the date didn't work out and your poor DS, I hope he's ok soon. I hope the little gits who attacked him fall down a big hole.

I'm feeling quite disillusioned with the whole OD world at the moment and thinking I might need a break from it (there are only so many times I can be winked at by old, creepy men before my soul dies!) I'm trying to work out which I hate more; being alone or online dating.

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 10:58:26

Bantamthe site I use has a live 'bar' at the bottom of the page where you see the name age and pic of people as they come online ( it must be only people local to you)
It'll say bert came online, bert winked at you, bert looked at your profile, bert sent you a message.
If someone winks or looks at my profile I usually look at theirs, they tend then to send a message.
I've never winked or sent any first messages

Pixie I just treat it as a bit of light entertainment, log on and chat to people if I'm in the mood.
I dont really have any expectations

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 11:02:57

snape you won't always be cool-hot-friend I promise. One day very soon a man much less stupid than Voldie and Sirius will see exactly what we see, which is how absolutely wonderful you are, and how lucky they would be for you even to consider dating them. It will happen, I am certain of it.

whats the latest with work? Has useless manager reviewed her decision yet - if not is there a timescale for all of it? I can't imagine what a worry it must be having that hanging over you. Are the school being any help re DS? Is there anyone he can walk to and from school with or is it more a not wanting to go full stop?

You have my company on the sofa for as long as you want it smile

pixie it is the lesser of 2 evils I think...I veer between thinking which is which depending on my mood.

I think it's hard to to have any expectations of it if you're looking for a relationship. It sets you up to expect to meet someone decent and then makes you feel a failure when you don't (well that's the effect it has on me!)

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 11:05:39

Question - the general etiquette for a first date is - show up, be nice, don't expect thunderbolts and lightning (unless you're going to a Queen concert) - don't drink too much alcohol. And if there isn't a spark, be polite and honest in a text later on so they know where they stand.

Pixie - just ignore the winkers and focus on the emails, or hide your profile (you're on Match? Not sure how doable that is I haven't tried it) and just contact the ones you like. We're not all crap - in fact you've seen my profile and know I'm awesome smile

Nature - depends how picky you're being. There are a lot of crappy profiles out there, and unattractive, arrogant or rude people, some married or in LTR looking to cheat. It's like any nightclub, bar, pub or supermarket you go into in real life. The point is that some of them are good for you, many not. Look at a few profiles of people who are relatively close to you, only include the dealbreakers in your search options (does it matter if they like opera? Do they really have to have blue eyes and short hair?) You don't have to settle for someone you don't want, but be open with who you might like in the first place.

What's your experience so far?

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 11:09:10

question* yes, jump in.

Re first date, my only tips are: basic safety/practical - make sure someone knows where you are. Meet in a public place. If you feel uncomfortable at any point, just make your excuses and leave. Don't feel you have to stay for hours just to be polite smile

Not everyone online is as they seem - he may be shorter or fatter than claimed, have less hair, or be using 10 year old photos. The first date is really no more than an initial checking someone out, if you get on then great, if not, its an hour or so of your time and hopefully some half decent conversation. Good luck!

natureslaw Mon 12-Nov-12 11:17:31

I went onto Match saw one man I liked the look of, yes only the one out of loads! We went for a quick Sunday afternoon drink which turned into hours and dinner. I think I really like him.

bantam - Interestingly, the only two women I ever had dates with via OD both messaged me. I never got a date with anyone I messaged, although admittedly not a huge number. I have given up now after 18 months of trying Match, POF, MSF and OKC.

I did wonder if perhaps I was hideously unattractive, had an appalling profile or was sending crap messages, so I got some female friends who had done OD and who are as blunt as can be and they said all was good. However, I can’t have kids, so I am honest about that from the get-go so that immediately puts me at the back of the list as most single mums round here still seem to want more!

Interestingly, I think a lot of it is down to the area we are in, which is semi-rural, as I know some lovely, interesting, attractive women who have barely had more than a handful of dates while doing OD on and off for 4 years. We don’t seem to find many single people in real life either. Obviously just a crap area for single people in their 30s.

I know huge swathes of people who have tried OD but only know two people for whom it has worked in the sense of getting an actual relationship out of it (ie, longer than a few dates).

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 11:20:11

Question not sure what others think about this, but I always try and chat to them on the phone first before arranging a first date, just to hear their voice and see if there is any connection. I have decided not to go ahead and meet a few people after having a chat to them, just because I could tell they weren't on my wavelength (I put a high value on humour and banter, and if it's not there to start with, I find it a bit off putting) but the ones I did meet after a phone call were all good and I have only had enjoyable first dates.

If you are worried you can ask for their phone number and then call them and block your own number until you have checked them out (if they have a problem with this, then it's fine for you to have a problem with them!). Most normal guys understand that you want to stay safe, especially if you explain you have only just started OD.

Hope this helps smile

Secretservice Mon 12-Nov-12 11:28:47

Oh, dear I think I've upset mushroom man who you may remember was my first-ever OD meet and raised all my expectations, by spending the whole two hours telling me how lovely I am (which is obviously hard to deny)

Anyway he 'caught' me on POF on Saturday and called straight away, with a whipped puppy dog voice, to reiterate how much he liked me. I reassured him that yes I was still meeting him for the date we arranged for this coming thurs, he tried again to make it earlier, but not possible for me. Now he's not answering texts, but has rung twice over the weekend a couple of mins just to tell me in, that puppy voice that he's thinking of me!!

Bearing in mind I had already said I would meet him for a second date, time, place, everything and I only knew he existed 9 days ago, am I right in thinking this may not work out!

snapespeare Mon 12-Nov-12 11:37:51

sponge I just see it as utterly futile…I think I need my mourning period as regards Voldemort and arguably jumped back in the saddle a bit too quick on the basis of distraction. The possibility of even more rejection is chipping away at my usual resilience and I honestly don’t have the strength just now to weather that particular storm.

work related bollocks is bollocks. they have NO idea what they are doing and have another ten dasy or so to come back to me - which I suspect they are using to try and find me a job back in Scotland. Obviously Scottish MNers are desperate to have me back over the border wink but the job opportunities are so limited that it would be difficult to sustain and would bring a different kind of stress. And it costs them a lot of money to have me there with regard to travel, training etc thatit just looks surly.

School attendance officer has just phoned. Joy. Think I need to pop off for a cleansing weep.

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:37:54

Voice I can relate to this:
'I think a lot of it is down to the area we are in'
I'm on the coast which feels a bit out in the sticks, I get alot of messages from men I like the look of who are in the London area.
I'm sometimes tempted but always end up saying sorry it's just too far for there to be the potential for anything regular

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:41:02

lulu ' I always try and chat to them on the phone' good idea, I like a video call but I think we all develop our own ways of finding out if the other person is on our wavelength

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 11:44:05

Secret - I think you're probably right. Of course all of us want someone we've had a good first date with to only be thinking of us, not checking the sites, but we have no right to expect it. I had a great date yesterday, I'm not going to set up any more dates for a while with anyone else, and I'm glad that Surreygirl hasn't been online since we first contacted each other, as her subscription lapsed - but if she was online I'd be a bit disappointed. Puppy dog calls, though, imply a demanding personality who's trying to guilt trip you.

If you have a strong feeling things won't work out after a first date and strange behaviour, it is very very unlikely that things will work out after all.

Also, why 'mushroom man'? I didn't get the reference

I told Surreygirl she was really quite lovely indeed. Once. She smiled and looked pleased. I wouldn't spend two hours doing it because that's just ridiculous.

mercury - I hear you. Some friends have tried to persuade me to cast the net wider and try something long distance but it just isn’t for me. I realise some people it’s fine for, but I find it impossible to build something unless you are able to see someone with some degree of regularity and if it’s long distance it tends to be weekends only – where’s the exciting spontaneity of ringing someone up and saying “do you fancy doing X tomorrow night?” Dating – or even early days of an actual relationship – should be fun rather than planned to the nth degree. And not to mention the cost of petrol these days!

I was looking at people within a 50-mile radius as it was and even that is too far really.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 11:52:51

Voice - the unable to have kids thing is obviously an issue, as is location.

I don't know. I'm a very strong proponent of being honest on the profile, height, build, age etc. But that's something which may put people off straightaway even though they may not want children. Is this something you should not put on your profile but bring up on a date instead - running the risk of disappointing them but actually they would rather have you as a husband than a 4th child or whatever?

It's not like saying you're 5'11 and when the date turns up you're only 5'2 - that's just an obvious lie and creates mistrust. There isn't a tick box for 'Can you father a child?'

Bit of a moral dilemma there. Don't know what I'd do.

NicholasTeakozy Mon 12-Nov-12 11:56:14

Yuck Secret, Mushroom sounds like he'll be terrible. Get rid, there are flags there flapping in a howling gale.

Secretservice Mon 12-Nov-12 11:57:06

Just realised, bantam mushroom man, was moniker bestowed by RL friend! It was all I got out of him about his job, he's in charge of mushrooms, somewhere. I think he may have been about to tell me, but got distracted by the 'beauty of my eyes'

I'm being mean now, I know. He did seem nice and I was looking forward to seeing him a second time, in the hope he might have calmed down a bit.

I get what you mean about logging in again, but i just wanted to reply to a couple of ongoing chats, that started before we 'found' each other. Seemed a bit odd I should drop all that after just one date. Wouldn't that make me a disappearer?

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 12:02:46

I am the same, if the bloke I'm seeing is logging in often, it pains me confused
This is irrational blush
I log in alot, I often have more than one ongoing arrangement, and the bloke in question has told me a few times (appropos of nothing) that he only logs in for a bit of entertainment.
I have offered no explanation for my continued use of the site and there is no expectation of exclusivity

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 12:03:04

Morning everyone (just!)

Secret - I agree with Bantam re the guilt trip - he's already thinking you're 'his'. I'd be wary about him.

Snape - what did the school attendance person say? Can he be accompanied to school? I think its very understandable that he should be worried now - I had a very similar situation with my DS2 a year or so ago - his self-esteem was really badly hit. You don't need the work grief on top of that as well, do you?

Bantam - Surreygirl - sounds like this could be a luurrve thing... (just saying)

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 12:03:31

Dammit - must type faster and stop thinking so much ...

Good morning all, yep Bantam I've been around and you've even had a look at my particulars OD profile.

I have absolutely nothing going on in terms of possibilities. Thinking maybe I should do a campaign of messaging them. Thinking about it this is how I met the only last two I met more than once.

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 12:08:51

Re frequent logging in - I tried to avoid logging in at all when GM and I got together, then each time I looked, he'd just been online. I phoned him and got upset (pathetic woman, bang goes the cool, calm facade) and he said he really wasn't bothered about being on there at all, just chatting to people he'd chatted to long term and we both disabled our accounts.

I don't think its reasonable to expect someone to stop logging in at all after one date tho'. I tended to send messages to people just saying I've met someone so won't be on here for a while, that type of thing.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 12:10:00

Secret - maybe, depends how far along the chats were - if you'd talked about meeting up with someone but hadn't got as far as arranging a time/place yet then yes. If you'd just said 'yes I like Harry Potter too' then no. Chats just stop, no explanation given or needed, usually.

There is an expectation that meeting up with someone for a date will lead to a second, third, marriage, kids etc - it's rare. First dates are to see whether you want to spend more time with someone to get to know them better. That is all. Second dates are to see whether you actually like them or not, whether they pick their nose when they think you're not looking, whether they are hideously racist or actually believe they ARE harry potter. Third dates.. well I haven't got to a third date in the 3 months I've been doing it. Offers, yes smile

If they make you feel uncomfortable during the chatting, or during or between any of the dates, it's unlikely to work - as Teakozy says, there are red flags flying in the kingdom of the mushroom people.

Maybe it'll work with one of the other guys you're chatting to, maybe not. There are, as they say, plenty more fish in the sea.

Yoga just seen you have a date today. Good luck and remember it's cake before coffee wink

Secret I would be very vary of someone acting like that. The over doing it on the compliments and the puppy dog stuff. I would meet him as arranged and take a good look at what he is really like.

Voice imo no need to put anything about fathering children on your profile and if I saw this I would think it a little full on. If you meet someone and really like them, you can then bring it up.

bantam - Having had a partner leave you after 3 years when it’s discovered you can’t have kids means you don’t really want to go through that again. And if you’re a female in your 30s and you want kids, you don’t want to waste time with someone who can’t. So I am totally upfront.

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 12:33:32

The being online thing - I got 'dumped' after one date by someone who saw me online late at night 2 days later. To be fair, although he had suggested a second date it hadnt been arranged, and as at that point I was 3.5 years into OD and had never had a second date, I was simply keeping my options open. He was on reflection, far too OTT, a bit weird and was quite rough with me (and we were only kissing). I class it as a lucky escape.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 12:40:56

Voice - I get your point, I just think there's such a thing as being too upfront too soon. People looking at online profiles are paralysed by the number of them - some good, mostly bad. And they will automatically start trying to pare down their options for who to communicate with/respond to:

Too short. Nose too big. Too tall. Is an accountant. Used the word 'lol' in his profile...

None of which are really deal breakers if you meet someone in real life and they're witty and charming and there is a spark.

Of course you may want to choose who not to contact if they say they want kids. I'm just saying that that is something you can bring up on the first or second dates if things go okay - but you're cutting down the number of dates you'll get - even with those who may not want kids, by the fact that you're discussing potentially having them or not having them in your profile.

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 12:52:51

Sponge, sounds like a definite lucky escape, but isn't the funny thing about being caught out discovered online, is that they have to be online themselves to find out ....... so what was he doing?!

I think when you get emails telling you that you have had a message or a wink or a view then it is human nature to want to have a quick look - or is that just me confused!!

I guess it depends how you look at it Bantam If you just want to go on a few dates, yes. But if you actually want to try and find a relationship, not so sure. I know someone else (female) who can’t have kids but was getting no dates from saying “no” in the “wants kids” box. So she changed it to ‘undecided’. Got dates. One guy went ballistic when, after date 4, she brought the subject up, as he would never have dated her if he’d known she couldn’t have kids. Another guy she really liked got a bit further and then dumped her for the same reason. I used to have ‘undecided’ and got chatting to a woman. We’d exchange some messages and chatted on the phone and were about to arrange a meeting when she brought up the kids question (mid-30s, do I hear the biological clock). “Why are you undecided? Does it mean you would if you met the right woman?” I couldn’t lie, so told the truth. I’ve never been sworn at so appallingly down the phone for having wasted her time.

I never had it in my profile, but I think you can see why I put ‘no’ in the wants kids box. It makes life simpler.

Voice that must have been a horrible situation but not all single parents want more children. I have met men who are in their 40s and don't have children precisely because they have been in relationships with women who had already done it and didn't want more.

If you are really concerned about getting it out there some sites have an option of want children/don't want children, the Guardian site has this (although I think it might be hopeless unless in a big city) and okc has questions that include 'are you looking for someone to have children with', which give a bit of a hint.

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:00:20

I suppose saying 'undecided' does appear to leave the door open. I was going to say that I thought that that discussion could be left for a while, but obviously for many women in their 30's its a big issue. Still not something to be abusive about tho'.

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:05:10

Sponge, sometimes the reaction is enough to sort out the possibles from the unlikelys ... GM said to me that he was very flattered that I was getting upset about something that was completely unimportant to him - I wish I was better at talking about this stuff tho.

Juliette - yes, I know. Unfortunately, the percentage of women doing OD who don't want kids is very, very small. I expected that, which is why I sent so few messages over the time I was OD.

What did surprise me was how many women already with kids still seem to want more with a potential new partner. Really surprising. I chatted to women who were undecided on the kids thing and found it fascinating that many wouldn't even consider dating me because it meant I was closing their door on future kids. They may not actually want more, but they want it to be their decision once in a stable relationship. They don't get the option with me, so they don't bother, no matter what else I could bring to the table.

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 13:09:07

voice, I'm on Match, and you can choose the option on there, I think it is nicely put as "children - no way, maybe, not sure". I'm a definite no way, 2 kids already and no desire for anymore and too old as well.

for me, I actively look for dates who stipulate "no way" to kids! Now seeing Mr EA (ex-Army) and we both have kids already and no desire to go there again. I think stating it upfront is the best thing.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 13:09:54

Okay I can see why someone got angry - although I think it's a shit thing to happen. Saying you're undecided means you're being dishonest when you just can't have children, and people will get very upset about that.

Checking a box saying 'doesn't want children' rather than 'not sure' may reduce the number of dates. Stating that you can't have them in your profile, if thats what you're doing, is giving people a reason to discard you - not because you can't have them, necessarily, but because you state it so boldly and people will pass by your profile for someone else who may be in the same position.

It's a fine line to tread between being honest, being too honest, and not being honest enough.

Bantam, as I said earlier, I never put that phrase in a profile, just selected ‘no’ if there’s a box about wanting kids. I tried the ‘undecided’ thing for a while in the hope of at least getting a few dates to boost the self-esteem a little. And you can see the result wasn’t worth it and why I went back to being ‘no kids’.

Which left me with only looking at women who don’t have and don’t want kids (barely more than the number of fingers on two hands despite Bristol, Oxford, Hereford, Worcester, Gloucester, Cheltenham, Coventry all within 50 miles). So then look for women who have them but so ‘no’ to any more. They outnumber the former category but not by huge numbers and you still have to find them either interesting or attractive.

Hence why I gave up after 18 months, opted for a life of singledom until/unless someone randomly falls into my path and I live my life through you guys on here!! smile

So... enough about me!!

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 13:29:23

Voice - my misunderstanding, sorry. Forget everything I said. Most people do smile

Voice just a thought but maybe some women think if you've put 'no' to want kids that also means you wouldn't want their existing kids around? Not sure how you'd get around that one. I'm not sure what your prospective age range is but would it be worth going for a woman mid 40s upwards? By that time most know if they really would want more kids or not.

ah crossed posts Voice, ignore me too.

natureslaw Mon 12-Nov-12 13:40:56

voice I think it might be a case of age?
I don't want more children (nearly 40 sad) but I might have done a few years ago.

Juliette - therein lies another difficulty with OD. You can only get around by saying something in the profile, which for some people is going too far and being TOO upfront. I think, if you aren't 'the majority' or, as I was once told 'normal', OD is probably not for you. My previous ex (the one who didn't leave me because I couldn't have kids) was eleven years older than me (I'm 38) and the age gap became a major issue. I know you can't lump people together, but it does put you off going there again. Although oddly enough, the two people I did see briefly via OD were 3 or 4 years older than me. But all my good, close friends are mid-30s and that just seems to be where I "am" if that makes sense. But then what does in the world of relationships?

Bantam - sorry, did you say something then? smile

Oh yes, just remembered another OD story. I had one message not long after I joined POF (with the wants kids box as 'no') from a woman whose profile I hadn't even glanced at. It said this:

"Piss off you fucking player. All women in their 30s want kids. You're obviously just here to fuck around and get laid."

Which was nice.

Voice what a lucky escape. I wonder where she is now, the poor man she's with wondering how it all came to this... grin

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 14:06:27

voice I would have responded.
Firstly, not all women in their 30s want kids. Some can't have them, some had them in their 20s and don't want more, some just don't want any
Secondly, POF has lots of people on it wanting to get laid. I'm not one of them.
Thirdly, I'd advise seeing a mental health professional about your anger issues.

Then block.

Lueji Mon 12-Nov-12 14:17:33

What an idiot woman.

Lots of people are in relationships and don't want children. Including women.

The children issue is complicated.
Not being able to have children is not the same as not wanting, as the couple could have IVF or adopt a child.

Not wanting children may not mean not wanting children from a previous relationship.

Maybe best to leave blank?

Lots of people don't discover they can't have children until they are in a relationship.
And it wouldn't be the first thing people ask when first meeting someone.

I might introduce the conversation after a few messages, and ask about their views on how essential more children would be.
I really don't know about other women, but I have always wanted to adopt a child, have had one DS and I'm not too bothered about other children. (also getting older and lazier)
I'm sure there will be other women out there.

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 14:24:08

Voice, it's tricky (not that I'm telling you anything you don't know...and that certainly doesnt excuse the appallingly rude response you got)

Honestly as Juliette said, if I saw a bloke had on his profile that he had no children AND didn't want any, I'd be thinking well he clearly is only looking for a woman without children.

In terms of wanting children, I'm 40, I have 2 children, I would have liked a 3rd but it's probably too late for me now. I'd actually feel in some ways more comfortable dating someone who couldn't have children because it would remove the worry of what if we went from 'not sure' to deciding to try for a child and due to my age it didn't happen.

Thing is, there are loads of people who can't have children they just don't know it yet. I've a friend who is my age, with a similar aged DP. They met through OD. both want children, and would only date people without children. They actually have no idea if either of them CAN have children, they simply assume this to be the case (don't even get me started on how naive this is, but I can't believe they are the only ones who think that way....)

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 14:31:01

Crap, I've tried to catch up since this morning but it's all moving too fast! Apologies if I've missed anything.

Bantam - smiling is definitely preferable to winking

Snape - Well yes, us Scottish MNers would be beside ourselves to have you back up here (and i know lots of good places for cake)...but I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that for you. I've been thinking about your whole 'hot-cool-friend' thing as well. It makes no fucking sense. I mean what exactly do these men want? They want you as their hot, cool, really interesting friend who they have loads in common with and can talk to for hours and who would have them begging for mercy in the bedroom if they gave you half a chance but would actually prefer to shag some pretty, vapid little cunt? I don't get it, I really don't.

hey sponge - so many naive people out there. wonder if either of your friends would do what my other half did and walk out on the other if they couldn't have kids? adoption is so much harder these days too. i do think Bantam's ethical dating could have its place if we can insist all those joining up have to pass intelligence and common sense tests grin

Oh, and just in case people wonder why I frequent this site (not just this thread) as I am neither parent nor stepparent, I am a godparent, and having not had the experience myself it's a useful perspective

lubeybooby Mon 12-Nov-12 14:37:25

Straying off the point a bit but I'm 32 and undecided about more kids. It's a real tough one - my biological clock bugs me every effing day about it, but my head says 'no way am I starting all over again, shut UP bio clock!'

But, if I met someone completely brilliant, in a couple of years time when I'm maybe considering something more permanent/stable etc then maybe... if they really wanted kids and would clearly be brilliant with them. That might swing it. But then again I will have just got to the point where I will have an adult daughter and I can see me really wanting to enjoy it still, travel, work and go out with no ties like I do now, and not start again. It's a headfuck thought!

So bearing all that in mind I didn't ever know wtf to put on those profile forms, wants more or undecided or doesn't want more - christ I just don't know.

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 14:40:47

Voice I rather suspect that if one of them was found to be infertile, the other one would leave them sad Hence the fact they are planning to get married before finding out worries me slightly...

I have intelligence but no common sense and absolutely no spatial awareness - I fear I may not make it through the ethical dating selection procedure grin

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 14:42:27

So, have you ever picked up a glass that you thought contained, say, apple juice, and it turned out to be iced tea? And even if you like both apple juice and iced tea you're going to have that moment where you go, 'ooh, what was that?' hmm

Well my date was a bit like that. Another peril of OD. I think because of the RAF thing I was expecting someone much more alpha-male/testosteroney/love my sports and going to the gym kind of guy. And actually, he is so NOT that guy. He's a bit of a geek actually. He likes to talk about airplane engines and classical music! Which is no bad thing, just not what I expected, even based on the emails and messages we've exchanged. He's very nice - and probably more my type than if he was all alpha-male. But it did take me a bit of time to adjust.

We went to a "nice" place for coffee and cake (I was late but I texted to say I was running late). We were both a bit nervous. We both talked a lot! Two hours flew by. His voice is a bit nasal but his eyes are lovely. Still waiting for the post-coffee text to say he had a "nice" time! And if he suggests a second date will definitely go for it but am a bit undecided at the moment.

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 14:43:54

lubey I can see how that's a tricky one. I put undecided/not sure, because I genuinley am - AND because Nature may already have decided for me in view of my age!

Being quite a bit younger than me I can see how you're in a more difficult position.

sponge I am sure I read somewhere that Bantam was going to give all MNers a free membership grin But he's probably forgotten that!

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 14:55:36

i was certain from mymid 20's that i didnt want more children, tubes tied when i was 30, never regretted it.
Maternal instincts ran out pretty quick grin

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 14:58:51

No Voice I was going to give all MNers two free 'smiles'

smile smile there you go

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:16:54

Wow this thread is galloping along!

Hello everyone. <WarmFuzzy waves>

Voiceofreason How you doing? wink (I don't want anymore kids....)

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:17:56

Only playing Voice.

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:18:27


MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 15:19:46

Yoga I love the "Iced tea/apple juice" analogy. Good that you had fun. More importantly, what cake did you have? grin

No deal Bantam we should get heavily discounted memberships as we're your sounding board during early development.

Scattylatte Mon 12-Nov-12 15:22:17

yoga grin at "pretty vapid little cunt"

When I had my lack lustre date yesterday I was disappointed by his voice. It wasnt nasal, it was urgent. There was nothing soothing about it. The voice is important to me.

Snape - hope school issue works out. You still are v resilient but I can totally understand where you are coming from. The constant rejection (even by those who are less well endowed in the attractiveness department) is crushing to the esteem.

Sponge: I dont think you should ever give free legal advice to anyone! make em pay.

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 15:23:29

Carrot cake mac...but no post-coffee text yet. Sometimes I wonder if they've paid, if it would be good etiquette for me text first to say thanks?

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 15:31:50

Mm, carrot cake. With cream cheese frosting?

I don't know Yoga presumably you thank them at the time, so I see no reason to text thanking them. How long has it been?

Warm - that's it, lead me on why don't you? smile

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:33:27

Use it as an excuse to contact him Yoga. That's what I do

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:34:15

I am a shameless flirt..wink I think I live too far though

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:35:18

Voice no being able to have kids is a plus point IMHO.

lubeybooby Mon 12-Nov-12 15:35:39

Sponge yeah it's a bastard thing that's for sure - thing is, I'm not sure if I AM undecided, if that makes sense... every time I think about it, I come back to - 'nope, not starting again... no way...' so maybe I actually have my mind made up and it's just the bio clock going a bit mental.

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 15:36:39

erm...2 hours? A fuck it, I'll just text.

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 15:37:32

'not' even. See Voice I can't type is that a dealbreaker?

Warm - hmmm, as an ex-writer, it's borderline. I can see beyond the typing and grammar, potentially. It's use of apostophes that is a dealbreaker.

Yoga - yes, just text him. Last time I managed a date, the woman in question sent me a text within 10 mins of leaving the venue before she'd even reached home. Made my night and took pressure off. It didn't get beyond date 2, but didn't matter. There's too much "should I send a text? how long should I wait?" stuff going on (not sure texting has helped dating, actually - we all overthink too much as a result somehow).

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 15:56:22

voice texting is great for dating, so long as you are getting the texts, when you want, from who you want, saying what you want!

but for those who remember, what would be the alternative? the landline phone in the hall, where you keep picking it up to check there is a dial tone and worry if you move too far away you won't hear it ring ....... ah and then I remember in the mid 90's getting a caller display unit, you could check who had phoned your landline when you were out, even if they didn't leave an ansaphone message .... hours spent checking it, trying to identify numbers and wonder why they hadn't left a message!

those were the days (quavery voice)!

OhWesternWind Mon 12-Nov-12 16:07:36

Hello everyone - such a lot going on here at the moment. And hello to everyone new. Another man too - whoop!!!

Right, I could do with some advice/thoughts from you wise people. Have been doing some thinking over the weekend and have spoken to some friends about this - situation is, as some of you know, I was in a horrible abusive (in several ways) relationship for nearly eighteen years and have now been free of that for coming up to two years. I waited eighteen months before starting dating, which I am really glad about as I recovered a lot in terms of my self-confidence etc. But, I've been left with a bit of a legacy from my ex in that I am finding it really hard to let down my defences with my new man. He has been incredibly open and honest with me about a lot of things and I take this as a real compliment that he trusts me with stuff he's not told a lot of people, I really do. And I want to be the same with him but I have this hard shell that I am finding it very hard to get rid of. I know it's a good idea to be a bit wary but I really want to move beyond this and open up but I just can't. I muck around and make silly jokes and flippant comments and if I were he then I would be getting really fed up with me. It is far too one-way.

I am seeing him on Wednesday and I thought I might just explain a bit about how I am and why, not as a really long and heavy conversation, but just because I want to and I want him to understand what's going on and hopefully go with it for a bit, rather than thinking I don't care and don't want to move forward with things? Do you think this is a good idea? And if so, how should I broach this and what should I say? Don't want him to think I am an oddball either, btw . . .

QuestionTime Mon 12-Nov-12 16:21:46

Thanks so much for all the advice - really appreciated.
Quick question - the guy I was supposed to be meeting tomorrow sent me his mobile no but has now deleted his profile?!! This is ringing alarm bells for me for some reason - but am too new to this to know if they are justified. Any thoughts? Thanks

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 16:31:23

OWW - tell him what you just told us, a piece at a time and judging whether he wants to hear more. He probably wants you to open up but is giving you time and space to do it, but if you peel the layers carefully, not all in one big go, it'll be easier to judge when to stop revealing more info if you think he's not ready to cope with more yet. If he cares about you he'll get angry at your ex, so take it slowly.

Question - sounds a bit odd to me. You could send him a text to say 'just went to look at your picture again to make sure I recognise you and your profile is gone?'

simple enough to ask that. It could be he's married, it could be he's fallen madly in love with you and no one else can ever match up. Neither of those is good, really. Or there could be some innocent explanation, but I'm stumped if I can think of one

NicholasTeakozy Mon 12-Nov-12 16:43:25

Western, just explain that you're not long out of an abusive relationship, and your way of dealing with things is to joke about them. It's how I deal with them too, so know how you feel.

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 12-Nov-12 16:59:09

Watch - just saw your stat on fb sad sorry things didn't work out with the house. Must be a better one out there waiting for you wink (ever the optimist)

On the issue of having more kids, I have been at logger heads with my much loved but stubborn gp for the last year or so, trying to be sterilised but she won't have it because I am under 30 hmm despite having had four and dead set on not having any more!

Voice - keep the faith. I know of a few women that don't have and don't want kids, they are out there. I have had one ended relationship and one current one where the fact I have four young children wasn't/isn't an issue, I am sure it can and does happen the other way round too.

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 12-Nov-12 17:01:35

Western, agree with Nicholas, explain you make light of things because that's how you cope with things. I do exactly the same smile

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 17:23:04

Western just to say back up what others have. You don't have to go into great detail but tell him you find it hard to open up because of your past relationship but that you do care about him and it may just take time.

Texted the Engineer to say thanks for coffee, I really enjoyed meeting him. He replied to say he had a lovely time and would love to meet again and we will arrange something. So yay, it's all good. smile

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 17:31:35

Yay for Yoga!!

snapespeare Mon 12-Nov-12 17:55:17

God, the thought of more children makes me want to claw out my ovaries with my bare hands....

FateLovesTheFearless Mon 12-Nov-12 18:05:09

grin Snape, I know the feeling. Went to see my mates gorgeous wee newborn the other day...the snuggles were great, as was returning her and knowing my days of broken nights are over! I did go through a phase where I thought I might have considered one more with the right guy but that was one of my insanity moments, all that step siblings etc isn't for me. Never mind the fact I can't financially support the ones I have at the moment (hence college and decent job at the end of it that I WILL get) smile

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 12-Nov-12 18:09:30

Snape grin

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 18:42:23

Nicely put Snape! And Fate - totally agree. I luurrve cuddles with newborns. As long as they belong to someone else.

I would rather sing karaoke naked in front of XH's OW than have to toilet train another child. Thankfully I can't have any more of my own and think the possibility of meeting a man of my own age who still has tiny babies is unlikely.

snapespeare Mon 12-Nov-12 18:47:29

I actually don't like very many children. Clearly all of yours are... tolerable wink but I only really like my own...and that's pushing it sometimes. grin my ovaries are old and tired and wizened and I cannot wait until all this reproductive nonsense heads for the hills.

And none of them need think I'll be looking after eventual grandchildren either. When I retire I'm breeding pugs...after a convenient period of travelling abroad when my kids are reproducing.

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 19:04:43

Am I expecting too much? STBXH has just informed me that there has been an offer on the maritial home, where I am still living (he moved out about 3 months ago and refuses to tell me where he is living now).

To cut a long story short, I have told him that I won't be signing any sale papers until our finances are sorted out and I know what I can afford to move to a small rabbit hutch with 2 kids and a dog seems likely. We are supposed to be going to Mediation but he has backed out of actually attending for close on 3 months now by cancelling appointments and not making new ones when he says he will.

Anyway obviously a bit of shock that it is all coming to a head, so sent a text to Mr Ex Army, who I met through Match a couple of months ago, seen lots of each other, all very full-on and I really like him but sometimes wonder if emotionally he can be there for me in the way that I need, in terms of a ear to listen me and a sounding board. My text said "fuckety fuck, an offer on the house, bit low, but who knows? panic mode has set in :-(" and I got this reply

oh boy. new chapter. xxxx

and that was nearly 2 hours ago ... no follow up. Am I being unfair to think its not very supportive. I would say its fairly typical of him and I will probably chat to him on the phone tonight and tell him more, but it just seems a bit dismissive and a reply just for the sake of it?

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 19:15:05

I dont actually dislike children, I mean it's not their fault and I was one once, they are just inherently stressful (I find)

alot of hard work sanxiety and sacrifice for not much return really, not that I expect anything from them, I just hope they dont expect too much more from me, cuz I am done with self sacrifice and am devoting the rest of my life to my own selfish gratification! grin

lulu maybe he just cant think of anything supportive to say?
4 kisses feels supportive ?

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 19:31:04

Mercury I suppose so, its just he knows the full story, the abusive ex, the game playing and control that went on and I said to him the other day that 90% of the time I am optimistic about the future and trying to look and move forward, even though my world got torn apart, but I do have the 10% wobble time where the whole question of where will we go and where will we live? really frightens me.

This is one of those 10% moments and I just needed a "don't panic, it will be okay, do you want to chat? I'm here if you need me to listen" sort of text or at least an "are you okay?" follow up to the first one he sent.

He would probably say, he's not a mind reader and if I needed to chat to him then I should say so ........... hmm

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 19:32:55

lulu not sure if you were after advice re ex or just Mr Ex Army but have to agree the Mr Ex Army's reply wouldn't be enough for me. Then again, if he knows you will talk later, maybe he does better talking than by text? Total sympathy re STBXH - it's a total headfuck, isn't it? x

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 19:44:19

Yoga just after advice about whether how I feel about his response to my text is reasonable or not?

with regard to STBXH, he is a complete and utter Twunt and the sooner I cut all ties with him the better.

I sent the text to Mr EA because I wanted some moral support a bit of, chin up love, don't worry, it will be okay and when I got that, I felt a bit deflated.

He will listen on the phone and may offer a few suggestions but I have a feeling he struggles to talk about emotions. Infact I know that, as I have tried to establish how he feels about me/us and he finds it really hard. Although the reality is that he has reorganised his childcare arrangements to fit with mine so we can see each regularly and is moving nearer to me in the New Year for the same reason. He even said to me at the weekend when I pressed him again, what about the actions? I am changing my whole life because I have met you. which he is, (new job in there too). So I suppose that is why I think am I being unfair expecting more, maybe actions and not words are just his way of communicating?

Movingforward123 Mon 12-Nov-12 20:01:42

lulu sorry to hear your upset!!! But looking at the text you sent it doesn't scream I'm upset comfort me now!! (i never send those and would also write something along the lines of what you wrote which actually means I'm gutted) so maybe he didn't get how you felt?

And a lot I the time men are better in person at being comforting then on the phone or by text!!

lubeybooby Mon 12-Nov-12 20:06:36

lulu is he just not great with texting? BC is brilliant to talk to face to face but if I sent a text like that he would get all stumped and feel awkward and not really know what to say. As Movingforward said really, up there ^

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 12-Nov-12 20:10:08

hello ;)

snape, yeah. i know how that is. Has happened maybe once. i was 19. that was a long time ago..... i think leaving it all for a while might be a good idea, you have other things on. PLus you have purple shorts, franky they are better than any man.
hope the school help with DS

just quickly, was feeling awful thiis morning, lost out on the house as expected due to some dodgy dealigns by arse of agency.
Viewed somewhere perfect just after work. begged for cheaper rent, have been accepted and have paid the credit check fee. I have SHITE credit rating, but do havea guarantor, so am hoping its all going to come through ok... does anyone know?

Its in the best school catchment area. and is just beautiful. All new everything. kitchen, bathroom, underfloor heating. summer house, carpets, new skimmed and fresh painted walls etc... etc...
just lovely.
if i get it , i will cry.
if i dont get it i will be distraught and will have wasted money on the credit checks.....

i dont have time to date right now, what with work, which is still going great, and now moving, in possibly 2 weeks, then i just dont have the time...

lulubellaboozle Mon 12-Nov-12 20:19:38

Moving, I know my text doesn't say that, but that is how I word things, I don't like asking for support directly, I don't want to appear needy, he knows that too!

I suppose what lies beneath all of this is, I really like him, he makes me laugh a lot, I enjoy his company a lot, we have great, amazing sex, I get a little thrill everytime I see him and he is a reliable dependable nice guy BUT he struggles to do the emotional support and touchy feely stuff and I need that, maybe now more than ever given the shitty time STBXH has inflicted on me.

So, do you list the pro's and con's and say actually just accept him as he is because he has so much going for him or is the emotional stuff just a red flag for the future?

Apologies to all for taking so long to get to the real crux of it, I think I only discovered it, typing away here!

lubeybooby Mon 12-Nov-12 20:28:02

watch did you say that you have guarantor to the agent/LL? you might need to pay again to get your guarantor credit checked, that happened to me before i was lucky enough to get the place I'm in now, and whats worse is my guarantor failed the bastard check too despite insisting he would be fine with it. But anyway they really should have cut out the check on you and gone straight for checking the guarantor really.

Place I have now which was private rent direct with landlord, from the tinest ever ad in a local paper - showed me around himself and was happy with my deposit, employment ref, and the fact that I 'looked ok' - god i could have kissed him. No credit checks or guarantor.

Anyway - gone off on a tangent again. Good luck and I hope all goes smoothly, it could well be fine, i don't have masses of experience with it all

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 12-Nov-12 20:31:28

no, thats helpful. i did say i have bad credit, blamed forces and lots of moving, which is part of it, but not all of it.... ( mostly due to shite situation ex husband left me in)

she knows about guarantor.thats all fine...

i just hope it goes through.
guarantor is mum, she was guarantor for this place, and is fine smile

Watcch catchment area and underfloor heating? Everything crossed for you here including legs but that's not much of a sacrifice right now

OhWesternWind Mon 12-Nov-12 21:03:28

Thanks all for the advice, sound as always! I am going to spend a little time tomorrow planning what I might say.

Those of you that do the same thing - Nicholas, Fate - has it caused you problems with your relationships at all, or do people tend to understand or not mind?

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 21:17:54

So I'm really thinking of replying to the apology mail I got last night from Amazing Disappearing Girl - something like.


I really wasn't expecting to hear back from you. Understood about the ex and your current situation. I hope you get yourself sorted out in future so you can enjoy the wonderful company of people like me smile

and apology accepted. It is a bit of a shitty thing to do to someone though


Just so I don't appear to be all huffy and sulky, which to be honest I kind of am. And so I get to stick the knife in just a tiny little bit.


lubeybooby Mon 12-Nov-12 21:32:17

bantam I'd leave out the last line - the rest of the message sticks the knife in because you're being nice but making it clear you won't be seeing her again...

watch oooh ok that sounds very good!

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:33:50

lulu I don't know...this is a difficult one for me to answer because XH was a lot like that so I'm answering from a very, very personal point of view. For years I convinced myself I could live without the emotional support because we were good at other stuff. It was my "compromise" for being with someone who was smart and reliable and sexy and treated me to lovely holidays and made me laugh. But it meant I could never turn to him with a problem (unless I wanted it solved - he was good at problem solving, shit at being a shoulder to cry on) and he would never EVER open up to me about what was eating him. It's only now, in hindsight, I can see how much I really needed that and missed out on all these years - how lonely I actually was with him. But I don't know you or your Ex Army Man. He may be nothing like my XH - he may actually worship the ground you walk on and just not know how to express that. The best advice I can offer is, if it's bothering you - pay some attention to it.

watch good luck good luck good luck good luck good luck good luck !!!!

KirstyWirsty Mon 12-Nov-12 21:39:14

Date with the extremely fit and lovely MrAuditor tomorrow .. He messaged me today to check that I was still up for it and to say that he was looking forward to meeting me!! God I hope his photos are recent .. !! Phoarrr smile

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 21:39:55

Bantam sounds good to me. Although I would question whether given how long it took her to respond to you, and the manner in which she did so, whether such a response won't just go straight over the top of her head? smile

Meanwhile, what would you do about this?

A few weeks ago I went on a decidedly average coffee date. Nice enough bloke, bit dull and I could not have fancied him less. Anyway, after about 50 mins in his company (he left in a rush saying his money had run out on the meter...hmm) he text me to say oh hope we can do it again. He caught me on the hop, and I stupidly replied and said OK and that I'd get back to him. He said Fine, let me know when you're free.

I meant to text him again, and say on reflection nice time but no spark, but due to meeting LC I completely forgot, and then assumed he had too.

After not hearing from him for 2 weeks he text me on Saturday saying 'great its the weekend', yesterday saying 'helllooooooo' and today saying 'oi' hmm. I'd deleted hos number so I've only just worked out who it is. Should I just ignore him now (frankly the oi was just rude!) or respond?...

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 21:42:07

Bantam don't do it, or if you do send it, don't keep the end paragraph.

Sponge ignore him. Seriously, he sounds bloody annoying.

Hello all smile

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 21:42:42

sponge tell him you met someone else in the meantime, sorry

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:44:16

bloke with no face pic offered to e-mail me one, he sends me a pic of him in sunglasses...might as well wear a mask!
his profile says he is 38 but his e-mail address is
fallen at the first hurdle

hatesponge Mon 12-Nov-12 21:45:18

He was annoying enough in person...something about only putting an hours worth of money in the meter irritated me slightly (but that might just be me!)

Mac have you sorted out when/where you're going for dinner yet? grin

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 21:46:09

Mac - the end paragraph being the 'apology accepted. and the 'shitty thing' or just the 'shitty thing'?

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Mon 12-Nov-12 21:49:39

Mercury7 . . . delurking to say that my email address ends in a random date; nothing to do with my date of birth. 3 dates in with my now lovely dp he gently/jokingly questioned whether I was 40 odd and looking good for my age . . . I had to point out I was distinctly average looking for my age but with a random email address.

Ask for one without sunglasses?

Yogagirl17 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:49:48

sponge either don't reply or just say what bantam said

bantam I would just reply with "Thanks" or "Ok" - Not overtly rude but curt enough to imply you're not impressed

Kirsty what are plans for tom?

mercury7 Mon 12-Nov-12 21:56:10

Thinky you could be right, but I suspect judging from the pic that he is 48 not 38
I dont think I can be arsed to reply, I have a clear face pic in my profile and I'm honest about my age, I dont want to chat with someone who can see me but conceals his own face and knocks off a decade!

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 22:00:41

I just saw possibly the best profile headline I've ever seen on Match (just while keeping up with current events, you know, not actually mailing anyone)

"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese"....

Now that I've got your attention...

Loved it.

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 22:07:34

"Apology accepted. It was a bit of a shitty thing to do to someone"

It implies you're affected by her being a total Tito disappearing act. And you're not. You're faaar too busy dating other people to have even given her a thought. wink

Do what Yoga said.

Sponge no confirmed date just yet.

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 22:08:14

bant the first bit is to you.

Tito? hmm tit.

Bantam I would ignore or send with the last line about apologies etc you do not actually accept her apology...

or put "Good luck with that" ambiguous and pa

Sponge ignore, not even worth the headspace

Kirsty Is this the Mr Auditor who had the list? 'm keen to know how you get on with him as I would have been put of by the list but am thinking maybe I dismiss too many possibilities.

OhWesternWind Mon 12-Nov-12 22:15:42

Titto is what I call my ex, El Titto for Sundays grin

MacAndCheese Mon 12-Nov-12 22:16:49

Quite appropriate then western grin

AndLibbyMakesThree Mon 12-Nov-12 22:19:50

Bantam, I think you should either ignore the message or send the reply without the last bit. Personally I think she was trying to do the right thing by contacting you - she didn't need to - and if you put the 'shitty' bit in, it's almost like punishing her for getting in touch again and explaining the situation. Yes, I know she should have got in touch a long time ago, but ... well, that's my take on it anyway.

fayster Mon 12-Nov-12 22:38:39

Bant, everyone is right, the grown up thing to do is send the friendly part, but if it will make you feel better, and you never expect to see her again, I see no harm in being a teensy bit childish.

Voice, welcome. I have a similar but different issue with the children thing, being 42 and not having them, but not through my choice. I'd love them, but am realistic about it. I would actually consider dating a guy who couldn't, because he might understand how I feel about it, whereas I now avoid profiles of men who say they don't want them. I'm not sure how much everyone even reads that part though, I've been asked on dates by men who say they didn't notice it, when I've pointed out that they don't want children and I do. And one man, who I pointed it out to, said that he'd put that he didn't want them because he wasn't looking specifically to have more, but wasn't averse to the idea if he met someone who did want them. You really can't win.

Sorry to hear so many people are feeling a bit lacklustre today. I was a bit like that this morning, mainly brought on by the fact that the above makes me practically undatable. Let's hope tomorrow brings brighter moods.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 22:53:45

Ok, the shorter version of a response sent to ADG. No knife twisting. She works at a place I may take the kids to at some point, so might as well avoid potential awkwardness.

And the Venezuelan just mailed to ask when I want to go for that coffee. And SurreyGirl isn't responding to my text.

Ho hum. Onwards, upwards, where's that bottle of wine.

faster and Voice take heart, I had someone ask if I was pregnant from my profile pic a few months ago hmm. That went well. It's the fabric on the dress, honest...

Yes! my first gsm perv. Excellent.

Must admit I didn't see that one coming, no pun intended. Not a cock pic but trying to talk dirty, it is the Guardian after all.

bantamrooster Mon 12-Nov-12 23:49:28

Wow. A liberal pervert. You should get a prize for finding him.

KirstyWirsty Tue 13-Nov-12 00:06:38

yoga and juliette going to a fairly well known Glasgow pub .. Meeting at 8 so I am going to go to the gym first and then drive back into the city. He has to pick his daughter up at 10 (meeting at 8) so I assume he will be driving too

Yes he was the one with the list of questions .. I quite liked that .. Cuts to the chase and I answered honestly not caring whether they were his 'right' answers - my attitude was if he didnt like my responses then we wouldnt get on - and got him to answer them back before I'd agree to meet him... so it wasn't just that he decided that I was 'acceptable'

I've just woken up and can't get back to sleep (too excited!) I wasn't bothered one way or t'other for last week's dates

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 00:31:33

mr 1964 admitted that he's 10 years shock older than his profile says, he says he made a mistake filling in his profile..he's a tool and is now offering to send me pictures of his tool blueghh

so top signs that he (or she) is (majorly) lying about age:
pics in shades only
face pics that have been heavily photo edited, made to look like a painting etc
refusal to come on skype

does the team have any more...?

Dated hairstyles
Slip up on the musical likes
Going on about how everyone says they look young for their age
Stating they are in good working order

Bantam yes I have inspired a whole new level of perv
Kirsty good call of the making him answer his own list. I shall be more list open from now on.

Looking like the pub landlord's Dad already. My prospects specialise in this.

MadameOvary Tue 13-Nov-12 03:08:32

Western tell him tell him tell him. I told DP on second date
Watch fingers crossed for lovely house
Snape meh to SB. Send me those details please lovey. Hope your DS is ok.
Sorry to everyone else I've missed but must get some sleep!

Some of us genuinely DO look young for our ages though, so I wouldn't necessarily treat that one as suspicious. In my case it's a family thing (hurrah) as my dad turned 60 last year and looks a good 10 years younger and no one ever believes him when he says he has a son nearing 39. And nearly everyone on meeting me usually assume/think I am around 32.

fayster Tue 13-Nov-12 08:07:02

Good morning, Daters!

Watch, hope you hear about the house, it sounds perfect.

Kirsty, have fun, glad you're so excited about your date.

Juliette, that is not a good chat up line!

Why why why with the lying about their age? Or saying they want a relationship when they're only after a quick shag or dirty phone call? Why can't they just be honest? What? There aren't hoards of women queueing up to be wank fodder for dirty old men? Who'd have thought it....


Has anyone else noticed more traffic on the sites recently? Is it a seasonal effect?

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Tue 13-Nov-12 08:08:23

This thread moves so fast - 24 hours busy in RL and loads to catch up with.

Yoga glad yesterday went well.

Kirsty good luck with today's date!

Bantam my super Sunday included a nice afternoon of massage smile and then the DC returned from XH and my BF stayed for Sunday dinner and it was all relaxed and lovely.

SweetSeraphim Tue 13-Nov-12 08:10:37

Anything from SurreyGirl Bant? She might have been asleep in bed you know!

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 08:23:07

fayster when I was dating it would happen every year - I reckon it's folk trying to find someone, anyone to be with to get them an xmas present grin

Always the time of year I would find myself getting more annoyed than ever and then make a swift exit until after valentines day...

MacAndCheese Tue 13-Nov-12 08:32:21

mercury - yeuch. That's shock < me.

Haha lubey could be that, could also be that everyone is moaning about the cold and needing a cuddle buddy. I've had several offers hmm I'm thinking of making up an application form.

Bant - don't sweat it. Breathe. She could just be busy.

Fingers crossed today Kirsty

Was supposed to have a training day today with my new job. Got a call yesterday saying that it's their mega week so training is cancelled, would I still be able to come in? hmm great. Can't actually do anything so I'll just be wafting around like an oversized bat until 5pm. Get me.

I shall return later!

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 09:36:51

voice I know some people look good for their age, but once past mid 40's certain lines form in the face, and you can usually tell a persons age, incidentally this guy didnt look young, I could see from his skin in the photo that he was nearly 50, not nearly 40.

I've read that woman tend to be better than men at guessing a persons true age from their appearance?

Pretty common, men who try and trick me into meeting them before I've seen enough to get a good idea of whether I'm likely to find them attractive.
It's creepy, makes me feel like he's trying to 'groom' me...he's gotta be a bit naive if he thinks I'm that naive hmm

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 09:45:53

Thanks Mme - hope things are still going well for you. I did actually bite the bullet and tell him the bare bones about ex a while ago as he was asking when the children were at their dad's and I had to say, erm, well they don't see him, and it followed on from there. So he does know some of it but not all by a long chalk, and I'm not sure if he realises how it's affected/affecting me. It's difficult if you've not been there yourself, isn't it?

I am absolutely determined that twatty ex will not spoil things for me with this new relationship. He's just not going to. I know there is no guarantee that things will work out in the long run, but if they don't it's not going to be because I'm scared to open up and make myself a bit vulnerable. I am more scared about cocking things up because of this, so I'm going to use this to conquer the other fear if that makes sense!

I'm really hoping that he will understand and it will set his mind at rest a bit. I do think he thinks I'm not that bothered about him, and I have given him that impression and said some things that I'd find hurtful if someone said them to me. So, it's all going to stop as of now. I'm not going to go overboard, though - that would be just as bad! It's finding the balance, isn't i

mercury - possibly. two years ago, a mate and I were out for a drink and happened to meet up with someone we knew slightly and his female friend. at some point 'guess the age' came up. she looked at me and said 28 (when I was 37) and then looked at my mate and said 37 (which he was). He still goes on about it....

bantam - any news yet?

hatesponge Tue 13-Nov-12 10:00:08

I definitely think there is a seasonal effect on sites and not a good one...hence I am steering well clear until 2013 grin

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 10:09:29

Voice some people have faces that are 'childlike' big eyes, cute little nose, etc in a man especially that can make you look younger than you are?

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 10:39:46

Nothing yet. Focus on work. Focus. Focus.

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 13-Nov-12 10:40:30

Western, are you actually comfortable opening up to him yet? I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. The relationship is really new and add in his upcoming op plus feeling you need to change the way you are behaving with him, it all sounds like a lot of work to be honest.

It took me about six months to realise/accept I wasn't letting my last partner in, emotionally. Looking back though, I always felt something wasn't right between us and I do wish I had listened to my instincts then for his sake and mine. Having got together with NL I am finally seeing what people mean by the first few months being easy and fun. I haven't told NL about my life horror stories or talked much about my ex husband etc, there is plenty of time for all that in the future should we get that far along. I guess what I am trying to say is just be careful and take things/do things at a pace you feel comfortable with.

Morning all smile on the age discussion I am regularly met with shocked face when i say I am 28. Most people put me at 21 - 23 and I still get iDed all over the place hmm considering I am a relatively heavy smoker and can drink like a fish should the opportunity prevent itself, not to mention having had four kids, I count myself very lucky. Sure that will change in the next couple of years when I start resembling whistlers mum smile I actually have a fair bit of grey hair too confused however it tends to be underneath my hair as opposed to the top of it. I suppose I don't really act my age a fair bit of the time too, I generally act like an idiot most of the time, but in my defence I was in a very miserable and depressing marriage for eight years!

Bant - hope you hear from surreygirl soon, try not to stress.

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 10:45:39

Aw Bantam, when was the last time you heard from her? Was it Sunday?

mercury - I think with men, hair also makes a difference. I reckon a man in his late 40s who still has a full head of hair could easily shave 5 years or so off without being called out on it if the rest of him is in ok shape (was just thinking the engineer is 49 but def looks nearer 44/45).

Kirsty have fun tonight - hope he doesn't bring another checklist with him!

Juliette - actually, come to think of it, both my GSM men liked to talk dirty! However, they were also the only two so far I've ended up seeing more than once. At least they are literate pervs. grin

I'm not at all surprised the sites are busier this time of year - a lot of people don't want to be alone at Christmas.

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 10:54:50

a literate perv doesn't send cockshots, he sends genital portraits.

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:03:47

LOL Bantam - I have decided, on balance, I am extremely grateful to have never received a "genital portrait"!!

hatesponge Tue 13-Nov-12 11:05:56

I think I'd rather be alone than with the wrong worst ever Xmas was the last one with the Evil Ex, when he screamed and shouted at me on Xmas Day and made me cry, all because I got a text from a (male) friend who he was jealous of hmm

Bantam grin

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:08:29

sponge couldn't agree more. Last xmas & new year was the worst ever, would far rather be on my own. But there are a lot of very lonely, unhappy people out there who just want to be with anyone rather than be on their own.

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 11:08:57

Ok feck it I mailed her. We seemed to have settled into this pattern of emailing each other every few days anyway, after agreeing we just lived waaaay too far away from each other for things to work, no matter how gorgeous and funny and generally amazing we both are. So I'd send her witty charming emails about my day, and she would reply, and it was nice.

Then I sent her one about Erica the Gymnastic Dentist and apparently she read it several times and thought 'screw it' and asked to meet. Because I'm witty and stunningly attractive and why not.

So, now we've met, and she was even better in person than I'd thought, but the distance thing is still there, we're both relatively fresh out of LTR so slowly.. slowly is the way to go I think. So I sent her a vaguely amusing casual email and asked her about something going on in her life.

I'm not going to sit on my hands and wait for a reply. I will not. I will not. <checks phone>

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 11:15:04

God, I wish I looked ten years younger! Too many wrinkles and bags for any chance of that - though someone did tell me they thought I was still in my 30s a couple of weeks ago - but she's a lot older and probably at the stage where everyone under 55 looks like a spring chicken.

WRT the "opening up" thing - well, this is something that's been on my mind for some time, not just in this relationship. I know I do put up barriers a lot, with family, friends, everyone really apart from my children and it really limits things. It is NOT good. It's something I want to do for myself and not just in this relationship but in lots of areas - just posting about the stuff with him on here with it being the dating thread, and I think that being in a new relationship has cast a clear light on how I tend to behave.

It does sound like I am having a lot of angst about this relationship, but overall I don't feel that I am. I feel calm and happy about things most of the time (apart from this bloody op stuff), I've relaxed a lot more and really enjoy spending time with him. I text him when I feel like it, he texts me when he feels like it and I don't get stressed about it. I am really surprised (in a good way) how well we get on and how great the sex is. I don't tend to post on here though about the good stuff, not sure why, but I think it would come across a bit as showing off or something, and also it's not very interesting. But yes, things are good, long may they continue smile

Posting from my fone means by the time I post it's about 3 pages out of date!

Going back to the point about who contacts who first, I've never thought of it as the guy's job to do so. I've done my fair share of winking/messaging first. Ended up spending a lot of yesterday evening messaging one particular gentleman who possibly has the best job ever (can't say as it's a bit random). I messaged him first. Technically have a date for friday, but you never know with these things...

kirsty you sound excited! [Grin]

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 13-Nov-12 11:19:21

I will likely be spending Xmas alone this year, ex husbands turn to have the kids. I have been invited out with family for Christmas and have friends I could go to as well but I think I will just get tipsy smashed on home made mulled wine and enjoy my own company warble along to Mudd's lonely this Christmas my fave Christmas song grin

I do agree though, that lots of people find Christmas a lonely time so it doesn't surprise me the dating sites are busier.

hatesponge Tue 13-Nov-12 11:20:12

bantam it's quite enlightening to realise that men do the whole waiting for a reply and checking phone thing too smile

I am sure she'll reply. Patience even though I'm the most impatient person in the world, so more a case of do as I say, not as I do

Yoga am sure whatever happens your Xmas this year will be infinitely better than last years smile

Movingforward123 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:21:30

Hi I've just come to have a moan sorry!!

I'm still thinking about the argument with mr workaholic even though we made up! But what I'm thinking about more is his low sex drive and my high sex drive!! It's driving me insane!

I even got into a slightly sexual conversation with dds dad two nights ago and I know I can't go there again! But he would do anything to please me sexually and would never say no to sex sadsadsadsad

Sorry just feeling sad about lack of sex!

LaxiDaisy Tue 13-Nov-12 11:22:13

Genital portraits

It was a rather odd attempt at talking dirty, he stated by talking about his model giraffe. Then it the grooming thing where they try to lure you into it by asking 'harmless' questions which then progress. I can well understand how young girls get tricked. Said he was a leg man then said he liked legs, nipples and tongues and what did I like in men. Kept on and on about it, trying to get me to say the obvious until I pulled the plug.

I always lie about my age, I can't begin to imagine the level of pull I'd get if I told the truth but know I can get away with it for now. It seems to be a common belief that women of a certain age go off sex but this is only from older men so I think it might be from their own experience confused

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:26:53

sponge Amen to that smile

lulubellaboozle Tue 13-Nov-12 11:29:32

feeling a bit blue this morning, shitty XH and doubting Mr Ex Army, even had a little peek on Match to see who was about .....

cheered up considerably reading about genital portraits hehe and model giraffe's, the mind boggles! It takes allsorts!

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:38:46

Hey lulu, sorry your feeling down. Shitty XH are really shitty. x

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:40:02

yuk! Trying to lure you into a sexual conversation to provide him with wank fodder
just makes me wanna say 'heard it all before fu(k off'

lulubellaboozle Tue 13-Nov-12 11:47:19

thanks Yoga, they are aren't they?

What I hate most is that before he lied, cheated and betrayed me and threw me across the room in front of my 12 year old daughter I was a very trusting person who always saw the best in people, full of confidence and strong. I still show all of this on the outside but inside I think it has made me a shadow of the person I was and that's the hardest thing to forgive also makes new relationships a minefield too.

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 11:59:16

Lulu - it's hard, isn't it? I'm in a similar place myself hence all the posts about this over the last day or so. I am finding it incredibly helpful to post on here just to get my thoughts straight in my own head and hope you are too. You are resilient, though, we all are, and your old self will start to come back. It may be a slow process, but we'll get there in the end. How long have you been apart? Chin up.

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 12:05:31

Bant - I don't think it matters that you've e-mailed her, in fact I think it's good. Really, just do what you feel like (so long as it's not twenty texts in twenty minutes). If she likes you, it won't put her off, and if she doesn't, it won't matter anyway. Actually, I think she'll be glad to hear from you and she was probably waiting for you to get in touch.

Moving - sounds like the sex drive issue is really bothering you. Don't have any helpful suggestions really apart from to say that, yes, it is really important and you're not being unreasonable to be having a lot of thoughts about it. Just DON'T do anything with your ex!

lulubellaboozle Tue 13-Nov-12 12:25:13

Yoga, its all quite recent, I first knew for sure there was something wrong in June and then it all disintegrated in a couple of weeks.

He actually moved out in August, the last time I saw him was on the 17th August when he was arrested for assaulting me, prior to that I had spent 2 months with him first denying there was someone else and telling me I was mad, paranoid and suspicious and then when I found out the truth he carried on living with me and the kids but spending his evenings and weekends with her and acting as if I should be fine with it. I was tempted to dig up the patio and bury him under it many a time.

Hardly surprising I find it difficult to trust my judgement now I'm OD, I know its quick, the idea was to just have some fun and I deliberately only met targeted men who live quite a distance away so it could never become a LTR and then of course I met someone I really liked ........ queue angst and self doubt!!

LaxiDaisy Tue 13-Nov-12 12:27:16

Giraffe man also sent me a pic of his model eagle. They both have names (the Giraffe and the Eagle). Unfortunately I let my usual format of not giving my number slip and he has my mobile phone number, so it is entirely possible I will get a cock pic later. <curious face>

lulubellaboozle Tue 13-Nov-12 12:31:32

Laxi Giraffe, Eagle, Cock, sounds like a natural progression?!

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 12:32:04

Ugh I always hated those bits of a conversation where they try and lead it into a email/text wank territory. It's always so bloody obvious!

I actually love all that but only when I'm in a relationship with someone, I know them and their body and likes and what I'm actually talking about and they know me! It can be really exciting then. But not before.

Moving it really is bothering you a lot so i think you need to address the problem and talk to your chap. I know you wanted to try but it's not working is it? it's just driving you mad

Fate things sound lovely with NL grin on a completely seperate not though, do what you can now to preserve your youthful look! I was doing well for a smoker and mistaken for younger etc etc exactly the same til I hit 30 and then everything started crinkling and crepeing and greying and being generally VERY displeasing. If I could go back I'd stop sunbathing and wear factor 30 on my face in all weather, wear night cream and pack up the fags. It's too late for me... but <dramatic, plaintive tone> save yoursellllffff! <indiana jones style cave collapses around me and my outstretched hand while Fate makes a clean getaway>

Pixiebelle123 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:39:08

There seems to be a lot of idiot ex's around, don't even get me started on mine!

Bantam, patience is a virtue and all that!

I'm either extremely fussy or there are no decent single men in my area who are willing to go out with someone with kids. History teacher keeps texting me but there just isn't a spark and I don't want to settle for anything. Big sigh!

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 13:02:20

lulu sounds very similar to what happened to me, only I didn't have the assualt to cope with as well. I started to think something wasn't right last November, by December i knew for sure and by Jan he was out but in the mean time accused me of being paranoid, unsupportive, suspicious, nagging, etc etc. (it's just a script, they all say the same and then are mortified when they realise what a laughable cliche they are). I'm a good few months further down the line and it does get better. Look at it this way - trusting your own judgement is exactly what you should be doing. You knew something wasn't right despite his denials and your lack of proof. You tried to ignore what your gut was telling you because you wanted to trust him - but actually your judgement was spot on. Don't forget that.

KirstyWirsty Tue 13-Nov-12 13:18:21

I was the same yoga my gut feeling was bang on

Just have to learn not to ignore it :-) x

LaxiDaisy Tue 13-Nov-12 13:41:04

oh ffs I've outed myself from what was to be my other mn name.

As you were.

Oh look Juliette is back blush

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 13:51:11

Exactly Kirsty

Movingforward123 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:07:37

western I'm not going to do anything with the ex. But honestly feel that no one else will be able to do the same for me as he did!

lubey yes it is actually driving me mad already!! I am going to have to talk to him about it!!

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 14:12:19

Moving I had an ex I felt like that about in that umm... department. Then I met BC wink

Definitely have a talk. I think this is a dealbreaker for you. It is for me too!

FateLovesTheFearless Tue 13-Nov-12 14:17:31

Lubey - I know I should, but I really can't be bothered with all the creams and jazz, I barely bother with makeup most of the time. Every so often I go through phases of beauty stuff but it never lasts. I will just be old and wrinkly and alone. smile

WhatDoesTheDogSay Tue 13-Nov-12 14:31:40

Hi all smile, place-marking on new (but already a third-of-the-way-through) thread. Loads going on for everyone! I've had an almost-date, but he was 'called into work' yeah, right. I was of the same mindset as questions upthread, that "you never know with these things...", but it was still irritating hmm.

Onwards and upwards!

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 14:50:25

So that's an intersting one. What's the worst mid-date get out excuse you've heard? Or used?

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 15:36:23

Bantam - are you referring to Dog's post or did you just have someone ditch you halfway through coffee??

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 16:02:26

Dogs post, and the traffic meter thing earlier, which probably wasn't invented if he turned out keen but is still a bit crap. I was in the middle of a date I thought was okay ish and we'd joked about bad excuses people made before 'oh my child is sick' being one. Then she got a call that her child was sick and she had to go. And never replied to my texts afterwards, so I got the feeling it was an excuse.

Anyone ever had 'my house is on fire' or something?

WhatDoesTheDogSay Tue 13-Nov-12 16:06:05

Just to clarify, bantam, my almost-date didn't happen at all. The called-into-work thing didn't happen during grin! That would be mortifying!

I've never ditched anyone mid-date either, but did once make up an excuse about complications with an ex to avoid a second date. Why I couldn't just tell him the truth, that he was the most boring man alive there was no spark, I don't know. Chickened out I suppose!

Scattylatte Tue 13-Nov-12 16:26:32

Luckily I have never been excused mid date. Although I dont even get a date so thats not suprising.
So, one more addition to the "im on a dating site yet dont want to meet" gang. This one messaged me first. No immediate issues, not edging towards filth. He only lives in the next town so not far either.
So talking about POF in general he then says "I do a lot of messaging but I rarely meet people. Maybe I shouldnt chat to women that I will probably never meet - but then Im only trying to be polite/nice"
So, there we go...another non meeter. FFS
A vanisher reappeared saying his mother is very ill and his sister is very ill. Yeah..
Snape/Sponge. How are you today?
Watch - when do you move in?

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 16:26:52

closest I came to bailing was, after about an hour chatting in a pub I stood up, said, I'm going to catch my train now, and left

hatesponge Tue 13-Nov-12 16:41:45

The parking meter one was mine grin I might've been more offended had I actually liked him!

Not one that happened to me but the guy I mentioned upthread who 'dumped' me first date for being online late at night (and called me a player hmm) told me he had once gone to a pub to meet a date. He didn't spot her as she looked nothing like her photo, and she had to come over and introduce herself to him. At which point he said 'I'm sorry you look much older than expected, I'm not interested' and left shock. Given his subsequent behaviour to me I strongly suspect he actually was that rude.

Scatty I cannot understand all the men who just want to chat, tis v v weird. I suspect actually a lot are married/in relationships. Or possibly just scared of women. I'm very good thanks, calmness and serenity (well ok maybe not the latter!) all restored...for the time being anyway smile

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 16:52:23

Sponge I remember that bloke and from what you said he was a bit psycho, but this:
'I'm sorry you look much older than expected, I'm not interested'
is a line that I'd feel justified in using if someone had mislead me with their photo's

No bail mid date, I just know now that "I'll call you tomorrow" means I'm never going to hear from them again.

Also had the you look nothing like your photo (I do). The last one said I just wasn't photogenic hmm I'm sure it was to put me off balance as he turned out to have a history of control issues. Yes, I got all this on the first date.

MadameOvary Tue 13-Nov-12 17:05:56

DP actually looks 10 years younger in RL, and his photos do too. Just sayin'.
Moving You may not have what you had with the ex, but you can have something new and better with someone else which is completely different. Give someone else a chance to get to know you, and you may be surprised.

Ex was the love of my life at the time, which made sex awesome, but coming to terms with what he was - controlling abusive and emotionally immature - really extinguished that spark [shudder] I had a wee snoop on FB as he friended someone I know and he's still surrounded by grinning pretty young things. It mystifies me that they can't see through his mask. But then again, neither could I once when I was deluded and mentally ill and it's no longer my problem.
<does happy dance>

WhatDoesTheDogSay Tue 13-Nov-12 17:07:24

Scatty, i suspect my almost-date was a non-meeter too! V friendly, charming etc in messages (and pretty hot), and really keen to meet. Then was a bit crap about making arrangements, but still pretended to be seemed enthusiastic about meeting. It was just going to be a coffee, nothing stressful, but he bailed a few hours before. Had a feeling it was heading that way, but why on earth go so far as to arrange a meet-up if you've no intention of going? confused

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 17:13:38

maybe alot of these guys are just looking for the ego boost, to see if they can still pull?

MacAndCheese Tue 13-Nov-12 17:45:13

Evening all Sponge your parking meter tosser date sounds delightful why didn't you snap him up?! grin

Hmm mercury that's a point actually.

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:05:42

if I'm honest thats what I use if for alot of the time, bit of an ego boost, actually meeting someone seems like a bit too much hard work, especially if I have to go anywhere thats over 15 minutes walk away

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:08:52

So, get this. The Engineer briefly (and many years ago obviously!) went to the same school my children used to go to. His sisters went to the same school my children go to now. As many of my own friends went to one or both of these schools we may well know some of the same people.

So far the only downside is he works weird shifts. We have another daytime date planned for Friday but I was hoping for an evening. Much harder to initiate any kissing in the cold light of day! blush

Oh, the other problem is, he keeps suggesting places to meet that my ex-MIL and all her friends are likely to frequent. I don't want him to think I'm hiding him or embarrassed to be seen or anything...but it would be awkward, especially at this stage when we don't know each other very well yet. I already changed the venue for our first date for this reason. Help.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 18:18:05

This happened a little while ago, and is my worse date ever...

Went on a date with a guy who looked lovely in his photos, very Bohemian, long hair , olive skin, great smile.
Went to a lot of trouble getting to venue where we decided to meet up – wine bar on the wrong side of Oxford.
Anyway he turns up about 2 stone heavier than his photo and his trousers were too short, displaying white socks. He sits down and in his ‘outside’ voice proceeds to ask me ‘So what sort of things do you like in bed?’ The place went quiet, I took a swallow of wine, and said ‘ So, difficult journey?’ He had a very loud voice and keep asking the wrong kind of questions even though I tried to steer the conversation onto more neutral topics. After 20 mins I said ‘ Sorry but I need to go’

He rang me later to ask if I would meet him again as he thought I didn’t give him sufficient opportuntiy!shock

I was glad that I would never visit that wine bar ever again <shamed>smile

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 18:23:10

I have a date tomorrow...just coffee with Action Man, you know the type lots of photos enjoying sports etc on profile.

Although I have had to explain a couple of my jokes blush so don't know how well things will go. (Subtext, he might be a bit thick)

Hello my dating comrades, we will fight on!

(Voice, wink I look very young for my age, I got ID'd a short while back...)

lulubellaboozle Tue 13-Nov-12 18:32:49

hmmm when you are trying to move on with life and have your new man, his sisters and his mother as your new FB friends, it isn't terribly helpful when a well meaning friend posts her "I'm trying to get over my failed marriage" blog on your wall, with the message, "I posted this today and thought of you, hope you find this relevant and interesting" and the title linked to a post entitled "Runaway husbands and the wives they leave behind".

Makes me look sooo together and over everything ......hmm

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 18:40:37

shock lulubella sometimes you don't need friends like that eh? WTF..

Movingforward123 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:56:10

lubey I think it could be a deal breaker! I now need more action then ever before!

Today I was at work and was told to go to the bank, and drop something off at the post office on the way! So I got on the bus, went to the post office waited in the que! I then went to sainsburys and bought myself a drink and waited at the bus stop to go back to work!

Three hours later I looked in my bag and saw the money for the bank hmmhmm

I then realised I didn't even go to the bank, and I think the reason is because I can't concentrate because I am f**king frustrate!!!! confusedconfusedconfused

Movingforward123 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:03:27

madame the problem is mr workaholic isn't a new man! We started seeing each other two years ago and have been very on and off since then! Alot off this year, but finally we seem to both be making an effort right now!

He knows I have a massively high sex drive! And since we have been together this time we spent two whole nights together as in sleeping in the same bed and not me sending him home because dd was home as usual!

And on both occasions we had sex only once! That's including the evening we spent together and the next morning!

Both times I tried to kiss him and initiate sex, but it didn't happen! But he was very cuddly and affectionate! But not SEX!!!!! Twice

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:07:36

moving I think you should get a small team of men, they can have a rotagrin

MadameOvary Tue 13-Nov-12 19:08:18

lulubella - I'd swiftly "lose" that post I think!
Moving Oh dear! It does seem like a sign that something has to change!

snapespeare Tue 13-Nov-12 19:14:28

madame I will, but I can't find it. <cryptic>

Had a date once when lovely man I still remember fondly said he might need to leave early as he had some Belgians staying. That's as the best he could do for a get-out-clause. :-) aft a few beers he admitted it was a get-out & we stayed until after-last-orders and stumbled back to the bus stop. Sadly he had a girlfriend. Twat. wink

Text from the ex ' I need your advice re online dating...' Trying to find out what site he is on so I can share his profile and we can laugh warn you all off... Transpires a woman drove to Scotland from Winchester to have sex stay with him, 'great sex, obviously nothing comparable to you and I and I mean that xxx'


Response: ha. Oh fuck off. I've had better

Cheeky fucker. Why didn't you keep your dick in your pants then? Tsk.

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:16:43

4 messages in a row from this bloke:
him-Hey sexy how are you today ? your so fit yummy hot hot well no no your not hot to be honest ,,, your hell it self I think anything come close to you it'll melt , wish I was Ice man to get the chance to come close without being scared of melting rawwwwwww what you up to gorgeous ? Xxx can we swap some pictures please, or we can meet now go for coffee or something . x

me-Hi thanks for your messages, I like your profile but you're probably a bit far away x

him-Hey princess thanks for the replay and no your not far darling your about 45 minute driving and for a lady like your self I don't mind driving there every day mmmmmm and by the way if you read my profile I do travel a lot for my business as I buy and sell cars , and buy used and stock clothing and ship them out side the country x and I would like to take you out at lease for coffee or dinner and see how it goes xxx am inviting you miss yummy x what you up to ? Tonight or tomorrow night ? X

him-Ive just check now where you live it's 30 minute driving with the way I drive smile cos it says 50 mile from here princess xxx so of you like we can have dinner tonight ;) xxx

him-<his mobile number> please text me or missed call me and I'll call you back and if we click on the phone then we can meet if not I won't be bothering you ever again x if you can't trust me with your mobile number then you can call me withheld for 5 or 10 minute and if you felt comfortable then you give yours so I call you and you save your minutes xxx

manic..ever so slightlygrin confused

snapespeare Tue 13-Nov-12 19:17:37

Oh! And something non dating related, but lovely happened today.., someone I was a bit kind to a few years ago messaged me on fb today, saying he'd heard of a job I should apply for, met him for a coffee, his wife works at my place and he was picking up some stuff for her and he talked me through the job and then set up a coffee with someone in the owning vacancy area...I could do the job standing on my head, so things might look a bit better financially if I get it. Love the job I'm doing just now, but desperately need the cash, it's mat leave cover and would sparkle on my CV.

What a lovely bloke, to think of me. smile

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:18:16

Transpires a woman drove to Scotland from Winchester to have sex stay with him
nah, I dont believe it, we all know how easy it is for women to get a shag, who would go all that way for sex??

snapespeare Tue 13-Nov-12 19:20:15

I went to Chicago for a shag... well, several Mind you that wasn't my ex. I wouldn't cross the road for him.

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:21:48

c'mon, women dont have to travel to get sex!

MadameOvary Tue 13-Nov-12 19:36:13

mercury and everyone else- is it just me who would run a mile from the first message, let alone the rest???!!
Snape Ok cryptic lady grin Great news on the job front. I am a great believer that when you ditch freeloaders (including the emotional ones) then it frees up space for good stuff to come into your life <nods sagely>

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 19:37:06

I'll go back to lurking then sad

As you were...

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 19:40:48

Oh ffs. BC is driving me quite mad at the moment. So quiet, but insists he is fine, just busy and frazzled. He had better pull his socks up because I adore his penis & can't be arsed to write a dating profile it would be a shame to throw away everything we've managed to work through.

Rant over - as you were.

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 19:42:18

Whats up WarmFuzzyFun? confused

Movingforward123 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:46:25

mercury a small team might be the way to go grin although I would rather not feel like I'm sleeping around so would limit myself to 3 grin

I was actually thinking about it today and thinking about contacting fwb! I know if we went out to get dunk, we would go back to mine and spend a good few hours having sex! Then I might possibly calm down!

But he is a arse and since I told him I won't be sleeping with him he hasn't really spoke to me, even tho he claims our friendship comes before the benefits but hmmhmm lying toad!! Lol

Movingforward123 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:46:55

lubey how long have you been with bc?

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 19:54:58

All fine moving and very good even up til about about the last week or so - trying to sort out meeting up etc and it's like talking to a brick wall. I know what it's like myself when it's a very busy time and things are up in the air and it's hard to nail down a definite date (distance not helping there either) but arrrgghh he's just so distracted and I'm starting to run out of patience. And half wondering if I'm about to get another dumping, although he has promised me he will talk if there's a problem or anything and has kept that promise beautifully after our last wobble...

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 19:55:42

Doh! I read your question wrong - errr... dating since march, 'together' since april

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 20:12:00

yes clearly a nutter MadameO, not bad looking and 10 years younger than me, but still a nuttergrin

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 20:31:00

mercury holy shit, I would have blocked him after the first one!

snape Oh god, as much as I really want date 2 with the Engineer to go well, I'm just dying to have an excuse to use the phrase "Sorry but I have some Belgians staying"! grin Cool about the job thing. Oh, and you definitely owe it to us Scottish MNers to identify and out your ex pls!

Wonder how Kirsty is getting on with Mr Checklist (aka the Auditor)

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 20:31:53

WarmFuzzy what's happened?

FlorentinePogen Tue 13-Nov-12 20:45:26

Mercury, pishing myself at your posts from mad mental car dealer
He sounds like Harry Enfield's ex-alter ego Stavros.....hmm

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 20:56:38

he's calmed down a little:
'What do you think princess !?? X'

I'll hafta block him!

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 21:08:28

Mercury - so do you just block him without a word, or give him some feedback, then block him?

like 'sorry, you come across as really intense and a bit odd, try just chatting like a normal person next time, and get the message after the 4th time I didn't reply'


might make him less of a tit to other people

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:13:33

bant don't know about mercury, but I would have blocked without comment after "your so fit yummy hot hot" !!

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 21:22:42

yeah I've been getting on my high horse a bit. As I'm waiting to see if things work out with Surrey Girl I'm not doing my usual thing of just jumping back on the OD site to mail people and be witty and charming again - kind of bored of it now.

Instead I saw someone with the most arrogant profile I'd seen, I think. I DON'T Like X, I HATE y, if you do z you're an arsehole

which may sound okayish, but x was bald people, y was short people, z was smokers. I've heard about short men considering suicide because everyone literally and figuratively looks down on them, so starting off an online profile, which is meant to be attractive, she's just doing it wrong while potentially upsetting lots of people.

Plus, I get that she may not want to meet a short bald smoker, but just starting off your profile with a rant puts anyone off, including tall hairy non smokers.

So I mailed her and told her she looked really attractive, and articulate, and lived near me, but her hate-filled profile was just offensive. I haven't heard back

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 21:33:29

Sorry Yoga and Lubey,

I am fine, popped offline for awhile, kids etc. Didn't mean to post and run.

I feel I don't have as much going on as the rest of you guys, (I am to blame for not telling you all very much about me and my situation, so it makes it difficult to connect with me and my happenings I guess).

Perhaps lurking is the way to go. I have felt that I am 'in the way' as my posts tended to be overlooked.

WarmFuzzy is signing off to lurk...wish me luck on my date tomorrow. I sent him a text to check he would turn up, and he called me to reassure me that he wouldsmile. I think I like him...

bant sounds like you're on a mission!

mercury I cringed when I saw replay instead of reply, that just hurts my eyes.

I'm trying to let down a guy who can't speak english very well, but he's just spent half an hour seranading me in another language. I feel mean just saying no now. Help!

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:36:55

LOL, yeah maybe need to just take a step down Bantam. smile I mean, you were right, her profile was totally offensive, but basically you emailed her just have a go at her. So while you're here, can you tell me why men (almost without exception) always want to know what I'm having for my dinner? I figure a)testing me to see if I can cook, b)men just think about food a lot, c)they have limited imaginations and can't think of anything more intersting to say..?

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 21:38:41

lubey don't know a lot of the history, but sorry to hear things are making you feel a bit on edge. Has he actually said or done anything off, or is it more of a gut feeling that things are a little awry? I would be a bit miffed myself though if someone couldn't make firm plans - being busy is fine, it happens to us all - had to turn down meeting up with the optician tonight cos I had stuff on - but there's no reason not to sort something out for another time, even if it's a week on Tuesday! How far away is he? Hope you get it sorted.

WFF - you ok?

Yogagirl ime it's b). I used to work in an entire office full of men, food was the number one topic from breakfast, through the scoutiing out of lunch through to that evenings meal. Not women, not sport, food.

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:41:33

BantamI think I'll just say sorry he's a bit full on for mesmile
I dont usually block people unless they are actively offensive that fella just seems alarmingly keen!!

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:41:52

WFF good luck on your date tomorrow - please tell us how you get on.

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 21:44:17

WFF sorry cross posted. I am so slow typing on my phone! Don't go back to lurking (unless you really really want to). It's so easy for posts to get overlooked sometimes as things move so fast on here and people dip in and out so might be a good few hours/days behind but will still post a reply albeit a bit late. I do, anyway!

Hope it all goes well tomorrow and make sure you report back with an update!

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:44:39

there ya go, I was nice, I said ' thanks but really I think you're just a bit too much for me!! '

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 21:44:57

Oh god, three exclamation marks in last post. Somebody just shoot me now.

lubeybooby Tue 13-Nov-12 21:48:52

WFF don't be daft hon mine get overlooked too really often - tis the way things go on a thread like this, it really means nothing honestly. It's just very easy to miss a post when scrolling. Don't lurk! And good luck on your date grin

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:49:35

a bloke who so far seemed quite nice has given me his skype name it's dudeNiceButRude
(I changed it slightly)
I dont think I wanna skype him anymoreconfused

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 21:52:09

mercury you realise he's going to take that the wrong way..

Fuzzy - you don't have to just lurk if you haven't got as much going on. To be honest all of us could kind of use your input on our ridiculous questions. And would be happy to give our ridiculous advice on yours smile

Yoga yeah, I know I mailed her to have a go, but I did it nicely, honest. It was just such a lot of hate filled drivel - but then turned into - 'so I like rabbits and kittens and curling up on the sofa' - I wasn't sure if it was a windup at first but then realised she meant it seriously. So I ended the mail by saying that it puts people off, take that stuff about bald short guys out - they don't need insulting, just ignore them if you don't want to date them. I seem to have picked up a habit of critiquing profiles from somewhere...

ike1 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:52:18

Bant. I can assure you there are soooo many offensive blokes out there here's an example ' I dont want any orange oompa luumpas, swinging monkeys or nagging hens'.....this from a reasonably good looking guy.... I simply had to e-mail him with....' Try to entertain me........yawn...'

WFF don't feel everyone else has loads going on and you don't. People tend to post a lot more when things are going on so it seems like anyone else is billy no dates.

I otoh am Billimena no dates. My near genital portrait experience (see? I can't even get a proper cock pic) is the most lively thing to happen to me all week.

Yogagirl, I find I talk about food a lot with platonic males at work, etc. And it makes me laugh if anyone is on the phone to their partners, you can pretty much guarantee they will say at some point 'Have you had dinner? What did you have?'. Thrilling conversations indeed.

Second date for me tomorrow, but with a guy I was seeing, then FWB with a couple of years ago. He has had a serious relationship and a baby (very early on in the relationship), split up with her in July. Nice guy, not sure if there's still a spark there yet, but I remember who well matched we were in bed so I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt!

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 21:58:26

Ha ha, ok then so they just like to talk about food. That's ok. smile

antonym Tue 13-Nov-12 22:06:30

As a male lurker I have to ask: what is the form with these cock pics of which you speak? Is the organ typically couchant or rampant, iyswim? And is it usual to include a pound coin, or similar, to indicate scale?

FlorentinePogen Tue 13-Nov-12 22:07:42

Ha ha, ok then so they just like to talk about food. That's ok.

You just never know, the guys who make comments about food to their other halves may be going home to re-enact the fridge scene from '9 1/2 Weeks' shock

hatesponge Tue 13-Nov-12 22:08:51

I've never been asked about food...I feel I've missed out! Talking about my dinner would definitely be preferable to some of the questionable photos I tend to receive reminds self why leaving POF profile hidden is a good idea

There are lots of rude profiles out there - male and female, I had (mistakenly) assumed the worst offenders would be on free sites but perhaps not? I do remember seeing a few horrors on POF, mainly from men who were not exactly displaying a model physique themselves referring to 'no porkers/fat bloaters, nothing over a size 12' hmm, or stuff of that sort. I think it's fine to say you prefer a woman with a certain figure but no need to be rude about it. Similarly things like smoking - I don't smoke, never have, but I'm always a bit shock at people who put these lengthy anti-smoking diatribes in their profiles...why?!

WFF please stay, we need to hear about your date smile Those of us who have given the whole dating thing up for the foreseeable have to live vicariously through others!

now I'm at it with the !!! too... grin

hatesponge Tue 13-Nov-12 22:11:44

antonym am grin at couchant or rampant.

IME, usually the latter. Sometimes it's a little shy, just nudging over the top of boxers, or through a fly I kid you not. Others like to send a series, at various states of arousal. If you're really unlucky, you get a video (yes, why did I open that, I still don't know...)

Does anyone else have OD lurkers, you know the ones who visit at least once a day, never ever score or contact you? are these the lookers, one step down the evolutionary scale from the no meeters?

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 22:13:03

I am going to see if I can get a good food conversation going tomorrow - how long should I aim for bearing in mind I also intend to fit drinking and shagging into a three and a half hour "date"?

lulubellaboozle Tue 13-Nov-12 22:15:24

Yep they all talk about food! I get texts from Mr Ex Army saying "what's for dinner?" as in, what are you having for dinner tonight .... I thought at first he was angling for an invite, or playing "house" with me.

Unfortunately the reality was normally a kitkat chunky, a pot noodle or a ham sandwich, so had to invent some pretty exotic sounding meals and hoped the kids wouldn't give me away at a later date!!!grin

FlorentinePogen Tue 13-Nov-12 22:15:35

OWW, multi-tasking women should be able to chat, drink and shag simultaneously.

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 22:22:25

Florentine just be careful of choking

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 22:23:04

I had a sloppy guiseppe pizza for dinner tonight. Just so you know

Never had a cock shot, jealous of a cock video! Don't know how I avoided it in my area to be honest, where I live they're just as likely to get it out in the street for you, not a place to live if you're sensitive grin

antonym Tue 13-Nov-12 22:23:49

sponge thank you, had been wondering for some time.

Happily the site I use doesn't provide for photos in messages.

Sounds good Bant. We're off for a frankie and bennys tomorrow- classy, I know smile. But at least I'll get a good cheeseburger out of it.

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:25:39

you wanna join the site I'm on anto it's like an overstocked butcher shop shock

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 22:26:25

Florentine would I get bonus points for a food/sex double whammy if I uttered the immortal phrase about the sausage seeing the roll?

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:26:26

oops! sorry, that should've been addressed to Breakout

OWW here's your openers, all questions I heard daily for years

What did you have for lunch/dinner
What are you having for lunch/dinner
What's that you got there
Got any chilli sauce
What's the chill sauce like
Subway's got an offer on
I've got a coupon for Wetherspoons/All Bar One/Guinness
I've photocopied the coupon for Wetherspoons/All bar One/Guiness


FlorentinePogen Tue 13-Nov-12 22:33:20

OWW, something along these lines for foreplay ?

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 22:35:36

Okay so purely in the interests of research, everyone going on a date or chatting online this week has to ask at least one of Juliette's questions and see where it takes them. Prize of (you guessed it - got them on my brain now) a lovely hot sausage roll for the best answer.

I work in a very blokey office in a place with over ten cafes, bars, gregfs etc on site and no one talks about food. Alcohol, yes, food, no.

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:43:13

Western - do I have to play seeing as I've already had this conversation and I'm not a fan of um....sausage rolls? grin

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:43:48

mr enthusiastic is now begging me (his yummy princess) to phone him.

another bloke e-mailed me a face pic, in the mail he said ' I've had a rough deal lately through no fault of my own, '
I enquired and he told me 'my tough times extend from the breakdown of my marriage....found out my wife had been having a lesbian affair with a workmate'

Over-sharing or what
so let me get this right turned your wife gay and you want me to be your sex therapist..
I mean I feel sorry for the guy but he's not a good prospect for lighthearted fun

pixwix Tue 13-Nov-12 22:44:28

Can I just say? Ah fuck - ah fuckety fuck! what did I get meself into?

Yogagirl17 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:45:37

mercury you sure it's not just an opening for you to ask about the lesbian relationship?

pix what's up?

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 22:45:42

we don't know, pixie, what did you get yourself into?

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 22:46:38

sorry, misread - pixwix not pixie

mercury7 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:52:11

grooming me for a threesome kinda thing...hmm, dont think I really want to find out

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 22:52:29

I already say (and do) all the wrong things on dates, believe me I don't need anymore help to get it wrong. Although I am not looking for a LTR just yet, so my faux pas' doesn't seem to have affected my popularity yet...

Although Action Man, has gotten under my skin a little. I am in a tizz about what to wear. Jeans and a top? A dress with boots? hmm

(Ok, thank you for reasurring me, I won't lurk, just develop a shouty/whiny voice, so you can't ignore me grin)

OhWesternWind Tue 13-Nov-12 22:54:51

Where are you going for your date wff?

bantamrooster Tue 13-Nov-12 22:55:21

where's the date WFF? far be it for me to advise what to wear, as I generally don't notice unless the woman is wearing sack cloth. I think it's whatever makes you feel confident

gettingitrightnow Tue 13-Nov-12 22:56:40

De-lurking again to say how much I love this thread ,I pop in constantlytwice a day to catch up .Only been OD a few weeks and ,after the initial excitement/anxieties ,am going on 2nd date with man from GS this Saturday.

OKC has only ever produced endless ,tedious message,or chancers after sex-chat.Could be my area (sw) or age (44) !

Without this thread,I would have been spinning with anxiety over the whole uncertainty and hit and miss stuff,but it is massively reassuring and encouraging to find my experiences are "normal" based on everyone else's accounts!

Thanks everyone...I will try to post more and not lurk so much even if -you ignore me

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 13-Nov-12 22:58:04

Hey OWW, How are you?

Just for coffee (small c smile ) Nice cake shop mid way between our homes, about 20mins each.

A little overexcited, let's hope there is chemistry.

JoylessFucker Tue 13-Nov-12 23:01:35

OWW I did use the immortal "let the sausage see the roll" line in a counselling class this week when tasked with listing a complete set of terms for sexual intercourse. It gained me many a hmm and confused but no-one thinks I'm a stereotypically naice, posh, old lady from Surrey anymore.

I think I'm pleased ...