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Long post about sexless marriage

(65 Posts)
middleager Sat 10-Nov-12 21:27:40

Hi - I have had to change my username for this post as I have finally plucked up the courage to post. Apologies, it's long.

I've been with my husband for 8.5 years, married for 4.5 and was friends with him a few years before we got together. We have twin girls aged six and a half.

When we got together, I realised he was impotent. I was his world (we had been friends and he had wanted to go out with me) and he went to great lengths to seek treatment - Relate, hypnotherapy and viagra. His previous g/f had finished because she wondered why he never wanted sex.

Whatever we tried, sex was uncomfortable for him (and for me - nobobdy wants somebody who isn't keen on having sex - feeling like you are forcing them) even after treatments. I came to the conclusion he was A-sexual and had never had a sexual relationship really. Whereas, I was quite experienced and liked sex. I would initiate sex and he would take viagra, with limited success. In the end, by pure 'accident' we conceived on a one off event.

After the children were born I was busy, but then I practically had to beg him for sex on the night after our wedding. that was 4.5 years ago. No sex since, no cuddling, touching intimacy. when I try to cuddle he just stays cold. no kissing hand holding.

Oh, did I mention we don't get on either? Because he thinks it is normal not to have sex, won't talk or doesn't think it odd - our situation. I have become bitter, feeling rejected. He actively encourages me to go out and said he would turn a blind eye if I met somebody. He has no interest in me, yet my needs are growing stronger every day.

He is a very good father and I hate the idea of asking him to leave, but it causes so much tension. we don't seem to get on anyway and during a fallout today, he said: "No wonder I don't fancy you."

I feel very lonely and unloved and I am dying for sex and intimacy if I am honest. I just don't know where to go from here. I have stuck it out for a few years now for the kids, but as they are only 6, not sure if I can hold it together until they are 18 without feeling sad that a large part of my life has passed without cuddles and kisses - not just that - a closeness that we do not have. I know what it is to have a close physical and emotional relationship and this isn't it. He is perfectly happy to just keep plodding on to, but it is so warped, I feel. Any advice? Thanks

middleager Sat 10-Nov-12 21:29:38

sorry, I should mention, he cannot have sex without viagra - so on the night after our wedding he took this. But it is a passion killer. He goes red faced, sweaty palmed and you have to take the drug in advance so there is little spontaneity. It's not that he won't have sex - he can't. Or maybe it's both. I truly believe this is driving me insane!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 21:44:20

You really have to draw a line under this for your own sake. It's not the lack of sex especially, it's his total disregard for your feelings and the fact that you don't even get along. There are more ways of giving sexual pleasure to a partner than PIV... but if he's saying 'go meet someone else' then he's totally given up. Another 12 years of rejection and frustration? I know you say he's a good father but he's an absolutely rotten husband.

This is probably the time to have a talk, be honest about your feelings and start making arrangements to separate. If you're both mature and amicable about it, your DDs will still have their lovely Dad.. he'll just live somewhere else, that's all. No-one could accuse you of acting hastily

Darkesteyes Sat 10-Nov-12 21:44:34
janelikesjam Sat 10-Nov-12 21:44:57

Just wanted to say OP, your feelings of rejection and frustration seem entirely normal to me and it is hardly surprising you are feeling at your wits' end right now. I think its sad (and amazing tbh) that you have tolerated all this as long as this, but no doubt you had your reasons. I don't think its fair either for him to expect you to stay together in this way when he cannot meet your needs in any way physically. p.s. He could still obviously be an caring/involved father even if you went your separate ways.

Darkesteyes Sat 10-Nov-12 21:46:37

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women don’t want sex, but they struggle to come to terms with the idea that a man might not want it. This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out. What woman is going to stick her head above the parapet and say “I live in a sexless marriage” and talk about it frankly and honestly in public. Actually, I can answer that “NONE”. And so women like me who live in sexless marriages continue to suffer in silence.

We feel that we cannot discuss the issue with anyone. We are made to feel that it is our fault. Magazine articles and books on the subject advise women to buy some sexy undies and make more effort with their appearance etc. Though it’s the man who doesn’t want sex, it is the women who are told to make more effort with their looks. If the situation is reversed and it is the woman who doesn’t want to make love, pressure is put on her (marital and societal) to go to the GP to see what is wrong

middleager Sat 10-Nov-12 22:06:00

I have stayed because I am a coward. I am scared to break up, to admit the family unit has failed. That I could 'save this' as he is a good man. That I will change the kids' childhood forever. But I know I will be happier without all this messed up stuff going on. It really screws you up after a while. We recently had a hotel break with the kids (they were asleep in the other bed). I rested my head on my husband's shoulder, but he simply remained still. I thought how nice it would have been to have that returned and to have some cheeky sex!
You are right Darkesteyes - people say to me, oh my OH has gone off it - not had it for over a week now! Or that we need to spice things up. I tried everything over the years. I became used to it. Then I realised from friends that they actually had sex and that their husbands returned hand holding etc. It's also stupid because I try to look after myself and dress nicely, look feminine, because I feel so darn unsexy because of it all. I think I have lost all self confidence. I guess, because I turn 40 next year, this is a real milestone for me and I realise that I cannot go on feeling 'starved' of love and affection. Even if I remain alone for years to come, I won't feel angry or rejected all the time.

Darkesteyes Sat 10-Nov-12 22:10:13

middle ager youve said "I could save this as he is a good man"
This reminds me of that old mysogynistic saying "its a womans job to hold a marriage together"
Which is crap. There are 2 people in a marriage. Its just as much his responsibility as it is yours.
I turn 40 next year too.

middleager Sat 10-Nov-12 22:26:00

So true. I realised that this has been on his terms. I have given up my physical needs. But they are too intense now. The desire to be close to somebody now seems to outweigh the 'security'. I guess turning 40 has made me think. I suspect he is waiting for me to force the issue and make the decisions, which makes me feel worse. But yes, I need to draw a line under it. Just easier said than done, hey?

Darkesteyes Sat 10-Nov-12 22:30:33

Would he be willing to have an open relationship middleager? As in the relationship being open on your side obvs

Cybbo Sat 10-Nov-12 22:48:17

Imagine it is a friend of yours describing her situation to you.

What would you advise? Stay in there, modelling a messed up version of a marriage for your children just to keep the status quo?

Or do the right thing for you (because guess what, you are allowed to) and start making plans to leave him and begin living .

middleager Sat 10-Nov-12 23:13:58

Darkesteyes - yes, he would be willing. He even suggested it (which made me feel even more frustrated), but I can't do it. I wish I could, but I realise it is a full break or nothing.

Cybbo - I know. Just writing it all down makes me realise how absurd it is. I would advise my friend to leave. I'm great at dishing it out but rubbish at actioning it when it comes to me.

I need to stop being a wimp.

FastLoris Sat 10-Nov-12 23:47:16

I can certainly feel your pain and don't think I could stay in a LTR with no sex or intimacy at all. But there's one thing bothering me -

He's been like this from the very beginning. There was never any reason to believe he was going to be different. So why did you settle down with him, have a child with him and marry him?

Sorry but I really don't get it when people settle into a relationship with a particular person with particular character traits, maintain that relationship on a particular basis and commit to having children within it - and then are filled with righteous indignation that the other party hasn't miraculously changed into what they really wanted them to be all along.

Darkesteyes Sat 10-Nov-12 23:56:20

He is a very good father and I hate the idea of asking him to leave, but it causes so much tension. we don't seem to get on anyway and during a fallout today, he said: "No wonder I don't fancy you."

I have copied and pasted the above from the OPs first post on the thread. He is trying to shift the blame here. Not nice.

keefman69 Sun 11-Nov-12 09:15:52

It can be a vicious cycle for men, of which I've been through myself. It required the DW to insist that I concentrated on her needs every night without me being fulfilled. That broke the cycle after 3 days and now our sex life is infrequent since our 2yo child (every 2 weeks or so) but quality is great.

But the deeper issue here is the lack of holding hands or even cuddling. To me there needs to be this intimacy on a daily basis.

I think the OP was quite clear that her husband's lack of libido wasn't his fault. So why accuse him of shifting blame when there isn't any to shift?

In any event, it sounds like a throwaway remark made in a bout of bad temper and perhaps therefore best left aside.

kittybiscuits Sun 11-Nov-12 09:47:52

What an awful position to be in OP. I do know the impact of being ignored as a woman over many years, but the lack of any physical contact - even a hug or a squeeze of your hand - it's very cruel. His attempt to shift the blame to you is pathetic - what a prick.
Your physical needs and acknowledgement as a woman are fundamentally important. Please don't ignore them, just because he is x

Geordieminx Sun 11-Nov-12 09:50:07

I have been where you have.

It eats you up, destroys every single shred of self confidence that you have. I felt unloved, unwanted and totally worthless.

Dh was, and still is a good man in a lot if ways, but that good wasn't enough to make up for the lack of physical contact and also emotion in our marriage. Like you we didn't kiss or hold hands... I used to read threads on here, women complaining about their dh's groping them in the kitchen and wish that Dh would do that to me.

I turn 30 this year (Dh is a lot older than me) and like you realized that I couldn't just accept that this was "my lot" forever. And being alone with my ds who is 5, would be better than living my life like this. We split up at the beginning of the year, and it's been difficult at times, but hand on heart it's a decision I have never regretted. He is still an amazing dad to ds, Infact probably better as he devotes all of his time to him. We get on well, probably not "friends" but much better than we ever did because neither of us has any expectations of the other, and that huge elephant in the corner of the room that we didn't talk about is gone.

I have recently met someone else, closer to my own age, and the difference is like night and day. It actually took some getting used to, in that someone actually wanted me, and wanted to have sex 4 or 5 times a night a lot. I really underestimated the difference it would make to my whole outlook on life.

Please don't waste your life, you only get one. You don't want to wake up in 10 years time, your girls grown up and realise that you have wasted the best years of your life with someone who doesn't want you. You are worth more than that.

Offred Sun 11-Nov-12 09:57:40

Darkest eyes has given great advice on here. The main thing I'd add is I agree he is trying to make this all about you and force you to take action over it. I think you need to consider your needs and your children's, the lack of intimacy and the falling out will be especially bad things for them to see. There are more problems here than just sexlessness, be brave and leave as an open relationship, aside from it being something you don't want, isn't likely to improve things in this situation I think given there are additional problems.

WaitingForMe Sun 11-Nov-12 10:01:36

Unless you've been there FastLois it doesn't make sense but trying to fix them, to rescue them can be very powerful. I loved my then boyfriend and he didn't want to be that way. I assumed all relationships took work and there was mine. We stayed together 6 years going on to get married.

Looking back he was always abusive and sex was a part of it as it kept me dependent and insecure. As someone happily remarried I can barely get my head around it but it must be true because I didn't dream up those six years.

Helltotheno Sun 11-Nov-12 10:13:28

So what's keeping you OP? He's offered you an out, so effectively he's acknowledged the problem, but you've decided that's not for you. You married him knowing there were issues in this regard which you decided to ignore (why? Did you just want kids more?). He's taken Viagra, which had a worrying physical effect on him (would you have known what to do if he had a heart attack?). Are you going to spend much longer railing against a situation that was, let's face it, never going to be any different, or are you going to grab the bull by the horns as it were, and just finish it? What's stopping you?

Darkesteyes Sun 11-Nov-12 16:07:09

Toad in the hole a comment like "No wonder i dont fancy you" is more than a throwaway comment in this instance.
it IS blame shifting which proves the point i made in my post on 10th Nov at 21.46.
It is because of blame shifting like this that women who are getting no affection in their relationships (note i say affection so i dont mean just sex) usually keep quiet about it.
Ive actually discussed this with someone from Womens Aid and she called it a reverse form of sexual abuse (her words not mine) I did see an article recently which proves the blame shifting point. i will see if i can find it.

Darkesteyes Sun 11-Nov-12 16:18:42
Darkesteyes Sun 11-Nov-12 16:21:21

Comment from underneath the article.

This is already well researched: usually a woman is keen on hanky panky up until the wedding ring is on her finger, then turns frosty in the bedroom, and shun her husband's advances. By the time she hits her early 30s, her looks have gone, her belly is sagging, her boobs are pancakes, and her husbands stops making moves at all. Then the woman panics, realises she doesn't have any goods to withhold, and starts making the move herself. By then, of course, the husband is sick of her headgames, and repulsed by her hideous body, and has started thinking about that 20 year old stunner at the office who laughs at his jokes and wears short skirts.

- Honest Anthony, Not Sheffield, 31/10/2012

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2225256/Half-British-wives-say-want-sex-husbands.html#ixzz2BvpPbDN7
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Darkesteyes Sun 11-Nov-12 16:23:57

When my wife was young and pretty she never wanted sex, now she is a fat trout she is insatiable. Maybe these women in the survey need to spruce themselves up a bit in order to get their hubbies attention?

- dobbyfenton, Chesterfield, United Kingdom, 30/10/2012 19:32

Read more: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2225256/Half-British-wives-say-want-sex-husbands.html#ixzz2BvqBDTiz
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Darkesteyes Sun 11-Nov-12 16:26:53

Note the mysogynistic comments underneath the article which completely reinforce beyond all doubt what ive been saying.

No wonder women dont speak out. Which is why we get the stereotype that its mainly women who go off sex.

Because women are too scared to speak out when its the man who goes off it because then they get accused of "neglecting their appearance" etc.

And then they have to put up with the nasty comments like the ones underneath this article.

Which suits the patriarchy just fine. Men dont want the stereotype that "they are always up for it " challenged. That is why when affection starved women do speak out, they have to put up with comments like the ones underneath the article above.

OneMoreChap Sun 11-Nov-12 17:19:47

Mmm.

Or when men are starved of sex or affection, they are victim blamed.
"What have you done?"

When these women are starved of sex or affection, I'd like to see a bit more of "Why, what have you done?"

Darkesteyes Sun 11-Nov-12 17:49:15

Oh believe me "One More Chap. i got plenty of "Why what have you done" off my own DM when she found out. I got blamed. And then got blamed again when i had an affair after seven years of rejection.
To give you some idea of my parents attitudes theyve been defending Saviles actions.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 11-Nov-12 18:00:40

He's been like this from the very beginning. There was never any reason to believe he was going to be different. So why did you settle down with him, have a child with him and marry him?

Sorry but I really don't get it when people settle into a relationship with a particular person with particular character traits, maintain that relationship on a particular basis and commit to having children within it - and then are filled with righteous indignation that the other party hasn't miraculously changed into what they really wanted them to be all along.

Slowloris, get real. People change, people grow apart. No-one gets married thinking they will end up splitting up. It is devastating. It's not as simply as marrying the wrong person, stupidly.

OP, I feel your pain. The indecision is the worst bit, the worst time. I had years of it and it was torture. I think age comes into it, too. 40 feels like the fulcrum on which life tilts, the midpoint, the last chance for change.

I am 41 and three weeks ago I moved out, after years of misery and indecision and months of agony living under the same roof after we reached the point of no return and splitting was agreed (well not really agreed, but seen as inevitable).

It's not easy at all. In many ways it is a lot harder than if there is someone else involved, to share the guilt and the social opprobrium and to provide some love and emotional sustenance.

Maybe you will meet someone else and leave 'with' them. Maybe you will have an affair first. I think this is a bit cowardly, but totally understandable.

It's a horrible situation to be in, the 'should I stay or should I go?'

It's easier once you have taken a decision. I can't see you staying, it's far too grim and unfulfilling. But you won't leave until you are ready and can't bear it any more. I have started more than one thread like yours in the last two or three years.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 11-Nov-12 18:01:54

To give you some idea of my parents attitudes theyve been defending Saviles actions.

Holy fuck.

Helltotheno Sun 11-Nov-12 18:59:58

Slowloris, get real.

Why get real? Slowis has made a very good point. The OP went in to a situation knowing it was the way it was, and suddenly her DH is everything from an abuser to an emotional manipulator. Sorry but I'm not seeing it. He offered her an out that she didn't take. He took viagra for her which obviously physically didn't suit him. She's been free to leave at any time and has chosen not to. All the indicators were there from the start that Hollywood sex wasn't on the cards. Why is it all his fault?

There were red flags here from the very start. Is personal choice/responsibility ever going to count for anything?

toysintheattic Sun 11-Nov-12 19:39:23

I have been where you are, OP, and I sympathise. In my case things were normal-ish until 6 months after we got married. One night when we were in bed I looked at him and he just looked like he was somewhere else. So I stopped and asked him what he wrong, he said 'I'm not that interested in sex and never will be'. I stayed for another 6 years and one child. Why? God knows, though I wouldn't change having had my son. What became intolerable for me was not really the lack of sex itself but the lack of closeness and intimacy. It was like he couldn't cuddle or kiss me in case that somehow led automatically to sex, he couldn't separate the two. It was soul-destroying. I only realised how much after we separated. It has not been easy, I still get angry about the whole situation and how he treated me but I am happier and I know that I have done the right thing for my son. He will grow up hopefully realising that being true to yourself is important. I lost myself for a long time.

I agree with many of the other posters that this is a subject that really can't be talked about. I have not told my family or best friends why we split up and I likely never will. Even writing this out I am blaming myself for not being 'good enough'. My advice? One of three things:
1. If he is very willing to save your marriage then sex therapy/Relate ( I think sex therapy with an accredited therapist probably better than Relate but only if he is fully on board with this.) Expensive yes but think of it as an investment if it keeps you together.
2. An open marriage though I, like you, could never have seen myself able to do this.
3. Ending the marriage, which is what we did. I would have preferred the 1st option but by the time we separated things were too toxic to consider counselling.

Hope that helps, is sometimes a bit therapeutic just to get things out!

middleager Mon 12-Nov-12 13:37:18

Apologies for the delay in replying. Thanks for all your responses. I was feeling too sad yesterday to look. I stayed with him when I knew from the onset what the problem was. At first, I hoped we could sort it out with counselling, hypnotherapy and finally, pills. Then by the miracle of discovering we had twins on the way, we stuck together and hoped that sex wouldn't matter in the long run. However, I didn't realise the extent to which the intimacy matters (more than anything) too. That's what hurts the most. I've had a nice personal message (which I need to reply to) and all the comments here are helpful. I am especially inspired by Geordieminx. I'm going to try to have a sensible talk tonight. The problem is, that after years of living like this, as Geordieminx said, it becomes soul destroying and your sense of worth just dies. I'm only agonising because of the children and that is the only thing stopping me. I've been too scared to put them through a broken home. I had thought could we make it work in same house, split up, but I think that only makes a warped situation worse. In a strange twist of fate, my own parents stayed together for the kids - until I reached 18. Do you know what? I don't thank my Mom for it - I told her she should not have stayed for us. Both parents were unfaithful (for years). I only know that now. I just need some courage and some of the stories on here and kind words are helping, so thanks. I either plod on until the next time or make some changes. Easier said than done x

middleager Mon 12-Nov-12 13:42:00

Oh Toysintheattic, your post is inspirational too. We did go to sex therapy with Relate, but unfortunately it hasn't solved anything. But I did know before kids/marriage whereas you did not, which must have been awful. Your reasons for staying sound the same as mine! At first, I also used the excuse of having small twins for keeping it together - but now they are older and it is getting easier. Thanks to everybody else. I think for those of you who have been there, you realise it is more than sex. It drives you insane and leaves you questioning yourself x

PosieParker Mon 12-Nov-12 13:46:07

Is your husband turned on by anything? Himself? Men?

If sex is required as part of your relationship and you don't get it then I think you should move on.

Take care of yourself.

AboutToSelfDestruct Mon 12-Nov-12 13:52:35

"I have stayed because I am a coward. I am scared to break up, to admit the family unit has failed. That I could 'save this' as he is a good man. That I will change the kids' childhood forever. But I know I will be happier without all this messed up stuff going on. It really screws you up after a while"

Sounds like me a year ago, but for me there was a shed load of emotional coldness but the willingness to then flip into somehow having the closeness of dtd every now and then...and by that I mean once every 6 months.

I have just posted now as have had my heart taken and am feeling passion for someone else like i just can't beleive. It will never turn into a physical affair but is fast slipping into an emotional one. I now wish I had left 9 months ago when I was feeling like you are now, as now, if I go its just so messy sad

I still love Dh dearly and the thought of hurting him breaks my heart and the consequences for the children...but the children are suffering now, sensing my emotions, and are also growing up with a warped idea of adult relationships (ie, Mummy and Daddy having separate bedrooms is what they think is normal) I really hope you can find some peace with this one.

Helltotheno Mon 12-Nov-12 14:11:48

Mummy and Daddy having separate bedrooms is what they think is normal

Eh... it is normal for many who have perfectly fine relationships... just sayin' smile
It'll be your bad interaction the kids are picking up, not your sleeping arrangements!

Geordieminx Mon 12-Nov-12 15:56:00

It got to a stage with me that even if DH had come home one night, suddenly "cured" and wanting to bounce around the bedroom all night I couldn't have. Once someone has (even unintentionally) destroyed that part of you, made you feel completely unattractive and sexually dead you can't just turn it back on (pardon the pun). It's probably nigh on impossible to go from here, to having a "normal" sex life because you will always wonder, every single time you do it, whether he actually wants you, or whether its just to appease you, to keep you from nagging at him this week. And that's not a nice thought to be having at any time, never mind mid sex sad

Darkesteyes Mon 12-Nov-12 16:31:17

What Geordieminx said. Geordie im glad your happier now Im carernotasaint. i name changed about 3 months ago.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 12-Nov-12 16:39:42

I think it's likely that thing will get a lot better when you end the relationship with him. He sounds spineless and selfish but not malevolent (a really ethical man with no libido would either have left you, as kindly and fairly as possible, when he realised that a sexless marriage was making you miserable, or he wouldn't have married you in the first place) so he will probably be a great co-parent. Remember that a good co-parent is someone who can look after the kids when you go out on the pull wink.

autumnfrost Mon 12-Nov-12 16:48:48

I am in the same situation although dh is not impotent I think he is A sexual.Hehas never said anything cruel to me about the way I look etc. and we do get on mostly but I know he does not love me and won`t even sit beside me in case he touches me well that is what it feels like to me..We agreed to stay together becase ds2 19 has sn and we both know because of his problems 1 of us could not look after him and we both love him SO MUCH WE ALSO HAVE ANOTHER NT SON 21 tHIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT 16 YEARS AND i FEEL YOUR PAIN.sorry caps

autumnfrost Mon 12-Nov-12 16:51:25

I forgot to add I still love him

middleager Mon 12-Nov-12 17:16:30

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a decent, hardworking man who would always stand by his family. Me asking him to leave - and how awful it would be for him - is one of the reasons I am finding this hard. It will hurt him, to begin with. He loves the house. I have offered to go before, but I think he realises that our house is close to the school etc. and that we don't have anywhere to go (he could move back to his parents for a while. Plus, he rents out the house he owned before we met and he could move back there). I'm not going into this lightly and I don't want to pretend I am the victim. Everybody will hurt at the start and it feels so sad to break it all up. Going to see if we can talk later about practicalities. It's easy for me to say this, but I think he (and I) will both be happier in the long run if we go our separate ways - after the initial turmoil. I'm not sure I could be any more unhappy and that thought of a future - without all this upset - is what drives me. What most of you understand is that it isn't just the sex. It's the cold fish, no emotion, no tenderness that is the toughest part. The constant rejection.

middleager Mon 12-Nov-12 17:18:44

Gosh autumnfrost. I'm sorry that you have had this for so long. Would you have gone if it had not been for ds2's sn?

Geordieminx Mon 12-Nov-12 18:11:49

Middleager please feel free to PM me if you feel it would help.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 12-Nov-12 20:46:55

Don't be misled into thinking that you're the bad person and he's the innocent victim. He has not been fair to you and it is selfish to want to maintain a marriage because you are content while your partner is miserable.

riverboat Mon 12-Nov-12 21:00:27

I don't think it's a question of whose the victim, who should be blamed. Your husband has always been this way, and has been clear about that. You yourself thought first that you could change him, then when that failed, that you could live with it anyway. You have found out you can't live like that - and I absolutely don't think it's fair to level "what did you expect?" comments, we often don't know what we can and can't live with until we try it.

But it does seem that there is no reason to stay in this marriage beyond fear of the initial push you're going to have to make, and the hurt that will cause your children and your husband. Of course it will hurt in the short term, but there is no reason that you won't all in time get over this hurt and find happier lives. The alternative is you yourself smothering your desires and your wish to be happy and fulfilled shouldering all this hurt yourself in the long term, and it will inevitably spill over to everyone else anyway. I think you know what you have to do, and I honestly wish you good luck.

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:39:09

i feel for both of you in this situation i feel for you because the lack of intimancy feeling like your not loved or sexy enougth can ruin your selfestem, i feel for him because it,s a situation he can,t help he has gone great lengths to get it sorted but should he put his health at risk taking viagra? maybe he feels if he show,s affection it will lead to sex and he can,t perform. i don,t believe he should have shifted the blame on you saying no wonder i don,t fancy you. on the other hand you new he was impotent so you must have known what was coming the question is can you live without sex maybe you should stay friends and move on. are you moving on just because you want sex or has he got more to offer there,s more than just sex all the time too.

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:46:33

just looking back at the thread and realised if he,s not hugging kissing or a touch that,s not too much to ask for that,s pretty cold then no op you should leave.

nightcat Tue 13-Nov-12 20:08:58

autumnfrost, tried to pm you as we are in the same boat sad have you changed your nn? Can't send it for some reason.

Darkesteyes Fri 16-Nov-12 01:45:06

been reminiscing to myself a bit tonight thinking of what i had with my ex OM.
Lots of affection and cuddles and then lovemaking on a dark winter afternoon/evening. And then holding each other afterwards. I was seeing him for 4 and a half years. It ended nearly 5 years ago.
Most of the time im ok but then it gets to this time of year and i sometimes get a bit weepy and depressed.
My feelings about the situation are very up and down and sort of come over me intermittently. Ive probably not explained that very well.

Damash12 Fri 16-Nov-12 04:35:05

Goodness me, what an awful situation for you. Firstly, I can somewhat relate to it as when I met my husband he had some issues with erection problems even when he wanted to have sex so slightly different but I understand how frustrating and undermining it can be. If you where writing that he cared for you immensely and wanted to get better or showed affection in every other way I would be saying I hope you work it out. However, it sounds like he has just given up and is being unfair to you. What relationship can survive without support, affection, intimacy? This doesn't even have to be sexual but enough to make you feel loved, wanted and cherished. I'm not getting along with my husband at the moment and often say" I get all my affection and love from our 4 year old". his cuddles and " i love you's" are magical and make me feel on top of the world but that kind of feeling should come from my husband too. I am amazed you have lasted with this situation for so long and his not fancying you comment would tip me over the edge. I totally understand the family unit thing and not wanting to break up the home but you are still young (just turned 41 myself). You could still have a life and like you said even if noone came along for a few years you would still feel happier. Imagine in 20 years time 1 of your daughters came to you and said "mum, what do I do? My husband ......." And she told you your story? Would you tell her to stay in a sexless, loveless marriage?" Or would you say "get out, live the one life you are gonna get, and do what will make you happy"
You never know taking action may make your husband sit up and take notice but from what you have said I think you would be happier going it alone with your girls. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

nightcat Fri 16-Nov-12 17:53:29

hello Darkest smile sad if only the topic was a bit better..

Darkesteyes Fri 16-Nov-12 23:36:30

hi nightcat thanks

middleager Sun 18-Nov-12 21:38:49

Hello again and apologies for the long break. I've had a few off days but am always overwhelmed by the mass of support on here, so thanks again.
Just to clarify, if it were just about sex (or lack of it) I would stay if there was affection, intimacy or kisses and cuddles but unfortunately there is nothing to cling on to. Darkesteyes, I feel your sadness too. I sometimes recall days when I had some closeness too.
Last Monday I told him that I couldn't live this way and he said he would go. It was a very brief conversation and he didn't really want to talk. We haven't really talked about it since but I feel relieved and strangely positive (although very sad, too).
He visited his parents today. Not sure what was said as I don't want to feel like I am simply pushing him out ASAP.
The comments on MN and my own soul searching have turned on some lightbulbs in my mind and I know I can'tcarry on like this, sadly.
So although the situation is very sad, given that this is nobody's 'fault' I feel at some peace. It will be a long road and I am not sure what happens next and how we move from the current situation to a new one, but now that I have woken up to the reality I feel ready to move on. So thanks again to everybody for their words.
I will keep you posted x

ccarpenton Tue 20-Nov-12 03:15:38

Sorry, but isn't it medically impossible for a man to be asexual as long as there isn't a medical condition? Working testicles produce the hormones needed, I thought. And if he isn't getting erections during the night, then that also shows something is very, very wrong.

You've never mentioned any medical condition though? Just that he's been prescribed viagra? "Impotent" doesn't really tell us much. Medically impotent? Mentally impotent? Or normal sex impotent?

If there is no medical condition, then he's getting his stimulus elsewhere, surely? Is he very private over his computer usage by any chance?

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 19:59:27

Hi

He can get a stiffy during a hand job. In order to enter he needs a hand job first.

The trouble is, once inside, he immediately goes soft. Not just me, previous gfs by all accounts. So technically, I guess he's not impotent. He doesn't really go on the computer much. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure when he is alone in the shower.... but when it comes to sex, it's just a no go.

I'm having a difficult time today. He went to his parents on Sunday and I know he told them about the impending break up, but we haven't really talked about it.

This limbo is horrible. We are just in separate rooms alot and he seems very happy just playing video games. I guess it will be better when it is finalised. It's just all weird, that's all. Not sure if anyone has any words of wisdom about this limbo. when you have decided to make the break but are still co-habiting. we are being friendly and talking about kids stuff etc. It's just surreal.

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:17:15

Working ovaries produce the hormones needed for a woman too. Yet society doesnt seem to have any trouble believing that a woman can be asexual #everydaysexism.

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 20:19:44

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women don’t want sex, but they struggle to come to terms with the idea that a man might not want it. This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out. What woman is going to stick her head above the parapet and say “I live in a sexless marriage” and talk about it frankly and honestly in public. Actually, I can answer that “NONE”. And so women like me who live in sexless marriages continue to suffer in silence.

We feel that we cannot discuss the issue with anyone. We are made to feel that it is our fault. Magazine articles and books on the subject advise women to buy some sexy undies and make more effort with their appearance etc. Though it’s the man who doesn’t want sex, it is the women who are told to make more effort with their looks. If the situation is reversed and it is the woman who doesn’t want to make love, pressure is put on her (marital and societal) to go to the GP to see what is wrong

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 20:35:54

Darkesteyes,

Because this is a taboo subject, I have told only closest friends and cannot post here under my normal user name.
I feel if people knew about the problem, that when we split, they would be more empathetic.
My Dad always reminds me how reliable my DH is, and I just want to tell him the truth, but I can't. Plus I don't think - unless you have been there - it's not an easy one to understand.
I don't know what the problem is. In some ways I feel more hurt that he can get an erection on his own, but it won't sustain when he is inside. I try not to take it 'personally' as I know he has been like that with everybody. But it is so difficult to not take it personally.

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 21:01:22

Sorry middleager My latest posts were aimed at ccarpenton because what she wrote was too simplistic as well as stereotypical.
Middleager i know how you feel. i tried talking to my family years ago and the attitude was "well you dont need sex do you" Women dont like it anyway" Which is why these sexist stereotypes are so harmful.
Middle ager please dont take his erection problems personally. Believe me it is NOT you. thanks

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 21:09:38

Darkesteyes - I realised you didn't mean me, as you know exactly how I feel. It's hard to explain, but he just doesn't enjoy sex. I don't know which happened first, the not liking or the not being able, and I have spent years trying to discect this, when quite frankly, he does not care. So I gave up too. I forgot what it was to have any sexual encounters.

I dusted off my pink rabbit but that made me feel worse. I cried afterwards everytime at what my desperation had been reduced to. when I was single and used the object, it was fun and for joy. These days it just feels sad and reminds me what I am missing. Minus the kisses and cuddles that I used to associate with the bedroom, too.

I've always tried to (excuse the pun) rise above my ego in this and understand that it isn't me. But my self esteem is shot. I can change this, I know, I just need to lift myself out of the fog of the depression of it all.

Darkesteyes Tue 20-Nov-12 21:21:38

Oh Middle ager i had EXACTLY the same feelings when i used a vibe too. It cant hold you afterwards either.

nightcat Tue 20-Nov-12 21:44:00

i so sympathise, same here sad

fizzfiend Fri 23-Nov-12 02:13:16

Cogito hit the nail on the head. My DH refused to address the matter of no sex except when I begged for it...romantic huh? It wasn't so much the infrequency of sex, rather that he refused to listen to me, hear that I wasn't happy, give a damn about my feelings.

On my own now...it is better than being with someone who doesn't want you...every day. Not for everyone though so listen to all advice. So sorry you are going through this...it is hell.

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