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17 years of another woman

(85 Posts)
Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:10:09

This is going to be long but please, please stay with me. I need to give the full history or opinions might be skewed. I want to add that I dont stay in the UK or US so dont have any form of benefits, healthcare, etc. i have carried this alone for 17 years and this is the first time I have mentioned anything to anyone. Please, if you have 10 minues to read. Please help me.

I was 16 when I fell pregnant and married my boyfriend of 2 years on my 17th birthday. I had my 1st DS 6 months later. To my horror, I fell pregnant again when DS was 6 months old. We were poor, I had no support and was living in a one bedroom flat (there is no public transport here). Ds2 was born. 18 months later, on boxing day, my then husbands Mum friend called me to tell me that her and my DH were having an affair and were in love and he wanted to leave me. Divorce went through same month as my 21st. It was a dreadful time and all I did was try keep my head above water. Literally work, home, work, home.

A year later I met my present husband. I had known him through a school friends brother when we were at school. He was (i thought, according to my limited knowledge at the time) stable, level headed and a nice guy. We moved in together and bought a house within 6 months. We got married 18 months later. He had a couple friend (the friends brother and his wife) who we had seen for lunch once from the time I met him till we got married. 1 week after we were married they came round. I was not keen on them. he seemed very pushy and quite flirtatious. She was also very flirty. 1 week later, DH asks me if I would be keen on trying swinging. I was terrified. Now here is where it gets odd. It was completely against who I am but for fear of loss, wanting to fit in, etc, I said I was worried but would try it. That night we go round to this couples house, he goes into the office with the husband, comes out and everything is a go. A quick few tequilas the husband and me are on the floor and my DH and hus wife are in the room. I just couldnt do anything and neither could her husband. It just didnt work and nothing happened. I did get to sit and listen to my DH and his wife shagging loudly for a few hours (it was a tiny flat). Words cannot describe how I felt. All I recall was the carpenters playing in the cd in the car on the way home. Next thing I remember, I was sitting on the shower floor with the water on very hot and scrubbing myself while sobbing. DH was shouting at me that I was a big girl and went into this with my eyes open. The next morning, I had the other couple on the phone telling how how immature I was being, how childish I was behaving and how all 3 of them were fine and dealt with it like mature adults. They are all older than me by 4 and 5 years and none had kids. I didnt want to be seen as the child. I didnt want to bee the odd one out. They decided the only reason I was reacting like this was because I had not had sex with the husband and that was the solution. They were coming round that night and just him and I were going to try. I dont know why I didnt stop it. No faith that I could be right and them wrong perhaps? I am giving the history because I hope someone else can see things I cant. They came round that night. Him and I spent an hour in bed and nothing happened. It just didnt work. I was awkward, sad, scared and wondering what my DH was doing with his wife in the lounge. We gave it up. They all decided the best thing was if the next time, we just fondled and had sex with our partners in the lounge together and take it from there. We try this and I hate it. I feel dirty. I make it clear to DH again that I dont like it (as if my reaction the first night wasnt clear enough nor me telling him I just cant do this). It doesnt stop. By this time we are seeing this couple ever week and they are now our best friends. I dont know why I didnt put my foot down. I was young, weak, scared, trying to fit in. I dont know. The final straw was they were there, everyone was drinking, I knew what was going to happen so I pretended to be very drunk and went to bed. The next thing the 3 of them get into our bed and start touching and carrying on. I say nooo, and pretend Im so drunk, I am sleeping. They dont stop. I was not entered as I pretended to be asleep but was used (or I feel I was). When I raised it with DH he told me I humiliated him because he had to come on the sheets.

Please understand that if you met my DH you would think he is the softest natured man. He is not. This is only aspect of our life drama.

The last time anything happened, DH's brother was included. I literally sat on a couch while DH's brother and her husband shagged the wife on my lounge floor. DH didnt have sex with her but sat and watched. She fell pregant and had to have an abortion as they didnt know who the father was. everything stopped and I was very, very grateful. A few months later DH tells me that he had fingeried her in my kitchen during one of their "none sexual" visits.

She was by this stage supposed to be my "best friend". By this stage she was my only friend. A few years later, I think its all in the past and I find logs of a message from my DH to her of a sexual nature and her response to him. Clearly there is still feelings. They also sat at my table and played footsy under the table while I was watching sad I did not want them in my life, I just could not live with the constant worry. Seeing how they were with eachother, etc. I felt betrayed by everyone and just wanted to get away from the "sickness".

With my morals and values all confused and feeling so "different" and unacceptable, I did something stupid. I Had a 3 month affair with a man from work. It was stupid and selfish and I couldnt live with myself and so told DH. He flipped (understandably) I am not going to even try and excuse what I did and feel absolutely awful about it. I lost the moral high ground and had to give up work, etc. this continues to this day.

In the meantime, he has ensured that she has stayed in our lives for the next 15 years. She was the part time bookkeeper in our company, still comes round to visit. DH knows how I feel and we have fought about her constantly. DH acknowledges that he has feelings for her but only apparently because he has known her since before even me. It has been soul destroying for me. I am not as thin, qualified, well dressed, etc as she is. I know this. I have always felt like second prize. Last year we did a share swop with another company and to my absolute relief, we got new bookkeepers in. When I tell you DH and I fought monthly about her for 17 years, I am not exagerating. It changed who I am. Because of my affair 13 years ago, he feels I am worse than him because he has not done anything behind my back but I did to him (maybe rightfully) The fingering and dirty messages dont count.. The last time he slept with her was 4 years ago when she told me that my DH was her soul mate.

Now my problem is, he is now getting quite friendly with her DH again which means after only a few short months of not having that sick feeling constantly, she will be back in my life again. Its like I am just not enough. He says he has the right to be friends with whoever he wants and Im just being a bitch. Its my worst nightmare to be house friends with them the way we were.

We are sitting today where he has told me that because I cant forgive and cant let go, he is surprised I am not riddled with cancer. Its been 17 years of feeling like I was less, not a part of the friendship group, less in general, second best. He has said he cant deal with my controlling behaviour and my permanent anger and that we should get divorced. He says I am insane and have a mental disorder because I cant just let it go. why cant he understand my pain and frustration? is it because Im being silly like he says? why cant I let it go.

Please tell me if I am being stupid or a hypocrite. Should I just give up and head for divorce.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:11:42

I have had to type in drips and drabs on ipad in case he catches me. Sorry for spelling errors

What are the reasons for staying within the marriage? I honestly could not live like this.

SilverSixpence Sat 10-Nov-12 13:20:03

I read the whole story and feel so sad for you sad none of this is your fault, your husband is a manipulative bastard who had treated you with complete disrespect. Do you want to continue in this sham of a marriage? I take it you don't have children together?

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:20:03

op, this is awful.totally totally abusive.he has always ignored your feelings and wishes and sounds like he always will. cancer comment is awful. an open marriage its where both parties are happy and fully consenting.this is not the case.your confidence and self esteem sounds totally eroded.please get away from this man, you deserve so much better.

Oh sad
Please leave. I can't give any other advice in afraid, hopefully someone else will be along very soon, but please. Please leave him.
Thinking of you OP sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:21:08

You are neither stupid nor a hypocrite. You are not a bitch or controlling. You are a victim of domestic abuse. What you describe is a very long subjection to emotional abuse & sexual abuse that you have felt pressured into participating with against your wishes and judgement. I think divorce is absolutely the right thing to do but, beyond that, I think you should urgently seek psychological help and counselling to help you understand that 'forgive and let go' is not the issue here. You are not 'insane' but I'd be amazed if you haven't been damaged by what you have had to experience and endure. You need help to come to terms with this horrible trauma that you've been subjected to. Men like your DH are dangerous, nasty and a thoroughly malevolent influence.

Can recommend you contact Womens Aid for more support. Can you get yourself away somewhere?

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:21:30

We have 2 sons together. I have 4 boys.

Abitwobblynow Sat 10-Nov-12 13:22:09

You have been completely abused. You poor, poor love.

This is NOT love. This is not intimacy. Your horrible feelings are your true self saying 'this is not right!'

If they are that into eachother, let them get on with it.

What is your H like a a person? Does he shout at you, hit you? How does he treat you when he is not waving his mighty dick about? How is your marital life?

Do you have your own money? Is he threatening divorce to control you, or does he really want out? How does that make you feel?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:23:06

Sorry... just read that you are not in the UK. The Womens Aid phone number is therefore not much use to you but their website could give you some advice and information that applies regardless of national boundaries.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:24:04

I am so grateful to all of you posting. I have locked myself in the bathroom and am sobbing my heart out. To hear I am not crazy.... I just have no words of appreciation

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:24:41

presumably you don't want your sons to base their values on his? cogito is right...get out and away and do not listen to anything negative he tells you about yourself, it is all his attempts at control.Bastard.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:27:35

I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. No money and no spirit anymore. He has kicked me and he calls me names all the time. But says I have made him like this with my poison. He never hit me or kicked me for the first 10 years.

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:29:01

nothing you have said hints at you being crazy, just that you have very low self belief because of this pure nasty abuse.I think you said that if any of us saw him, we would think he was soft and lovely. keep this in your head: so what!! he has been the total opposite of that to you, the person he should have cherished.no amount of nice times or public displays of niceness can ever take away from that.cry, feel relief, feel validated, then start to put a plan together for a much better life.hugs.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:29:55

I suspect he is saying to to make me give in. Every argument ends in some hint at divorce but not like this where it is an outright, I dont want to be with you anymore.

Mynewmoniker Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:11

You are wrong when you say you have nothing. You have your children and us to support you through this. When you get in touch with Women's Aid then you will have them too. X

dippyDoohdah Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:18

there is some spirit in you, buried beneath all the hurt.that is why you are posting here.if you have nothing, then leave with nothing and you can build something.a few months away from him and you will be amazed at your own possibilities.

FellatioNelson Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:24

He is telling you you are insane and mentally unstable because of all this? shock You need to get yourself some counselling. You nee to work on your self esteem. And you need to leave him. Immediately. I don't care how nice he may seem to the outside world, he has been a vile emotional and sexual bully for the whole of your married life.

amillionyears Sat 10-Nov-12 13:31:51

Yes give up and head for divorce.
I dont normally say that, I am all for looking to see if things can improve or change.

But your husband has repeatedly broken your marriage, over and over.

[yes you acknowledge you shouldnt have had your affair, and 2 wrongs do not make a right. But you stopped, plus it was a reaction to what he had done].

I suspect that you know you ought to divorce.
And I suspect you have a problem thinking and doing that, else you would have done it years earlier.

amillionyears Sat 10-Nov-12 13:32:49

Do you live in the UK?
How old are your children?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:37:25

What country are you in? Could we help you find resources for women who are the victim of domestic violence? Do you have parents or friends that you could take your children and go to stay with? Do you have any access to legal advice or could you get some?

Your story is quite harrowing and you do not deserve to be kicked, beaten, called names or expected to endure the sexual perversions and assaults of your husband and his friends.

ledkr Sat 10-Nov-12 13:38:44

Could you leave op? Do you want to? You still have time to have a happy fulfilling life. You have suffered so much and I'm afraid your husband sounds like a desperate pervert

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:40:00

I dont live in the UK and by boys are 22, 21, 16 and 11. I am in South Africa. I dont have a single soul. My Mum passed away and my sister is in New Zealand. I have no idea where I would even start looking. I could ask him to move out. I dont know if he would but I could ask.

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 10-Nov-12 13:40:15

You say you have a business- is it successful? Surely you would be entitled to some of this?

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:41:46

Scarlette, yes, I own equal shares in the company and it pays the bills. I dont actually work in it at all though.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:44:10

To be quite honest, I had not really thought about the fact that I can leave. Sounds silly but I just have not thought about life outside my marriage.

tiddleypompom Sat 10-Nov-12 13:46:09

cogito has said everything that I would want to - I have nothing to add expect my voice to the others to reassure you that this is not your fault, you are a victim of an appauling and abusive man and you need to escape from the life is has trapped you into having.
Take your sons and leave him or he will continue to destroy your self esteem, your sanity and your health. Seek help - it is out there.
Wishing you much strength - look ahead, hold your head high, know you are worth so much more.

FellatioNelson Sat 10-Nov-12 13:46:25

Yes you CAN leave. It's your life. YOURS. You can do whatever the hell you want. No-one needs to give you permission. Not him, not anyone.

Mynewmoniker Sat 10-Nov-12 13:47:00

What is the domestic violence support like in NZ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 10-Nov-12 13:47:48

What a pig your husband is. No, I shall take that back, a slur against pigs.
I would not hesitate to start looking at divorce.
Are you able to tell us which country you are in?

Well done for posting though OP, that's a huge and very brave step. You are strong enough to leave if that's what you want to do.
You're still young enough to turn your life around and find happiness. We're all rooting for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 10-Nov-12 13:49:12

Sorry OP see you are in S Africa.

cece Sat 10-Nov-12 13:49:54

I am so sorry. Your husband has been abusing you for years. You must find th strength to leave. Can your sons help you? The eldest must be an adult now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:51:16

Don't ask... tell him to move out. He's the one saying that he's going to divorce you so grab the opportunity with both hands and tell him to go. If he refuses to go then you could maybe take a look at this police link "http://www.saps.gov.za/crime_prevention/women/domestic_violence.htm ZA Domestic Violence advice link]] There are some ideas on what you can do if you are being abused including applying for a protection order.

Also, get some legal advice. Find a solicitor that specialises in Family Law because, as a wife, you have certain rights over marital assets. That includes property, companies, income, pensions.... Do you have a friend you can talk to IRL? You may find although you think he comes across as a nice guy, others regard him as creepy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 13:51:36
Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 13:56:55

Thank you for the links Cogito. I will go and have a look

Selks Sat 10-Nov-12 13:58:20

In your heart of hearts you know that this is not the life you want to lead, nor has it been for a long time. Your husband is mentally and physically abusing you and this has caused you to become confused and disorientated - you are NOT crazy...what you are feeling is the clash between the part of you that knows the relationships is all wrong and the part of you that wants to deny that.

It's your life. You can lead it how ever you want. You deserve to be happy and to be able to make your own choices, and it it never too late to take that. You do not have to ask for that - you just take it....it is yours.

It can be a scary feeling, the thought of big changes such as leaving or getting him to leave. It can be hard work to achieve but it would be SO worth it - the sense of freedom, the massive weight that would be lifted off your shoulders, the space to learn about yourself and what you want out of life. You can have all that. Start making plans now...small concrete steps.

You deserve more than the life you have with this man. You can have more. Wishing you all the very best.

clam Sat 10-Nov-12 13:58:40

Jesus Christ! What a horrendous story. No, you are not stupid or a hypocrite, but you're going to need to start standing up for yourself and realising that your h is an abusive bully.

There is a better life out there for you. Start thinking and dreaming about how you would like to live it.

JustFabulous Sat 10-Nov-12 13:59:44

Pack your stuff and go to your sister.

Get a divorce.

Get out.

This is not a marriage so you don't need to stay with him.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 14:04:54

I have never been on my own. Im so scared.

foolonthehill Sat 10-Nov-12 14:06:29

www.famsa.org.za/domesticviolence.asp there is some SA information on domestic abuse on thes link.

I am going to go and do a bit of research and will be back.

I feel for you and for the first time ever (no really!) leave, just find a way and go.

back later
keep going lovely lady. There will be some help.

Selks Sat 10-Nov-12 14:07:40

Of course it's scary, it's a big step. But you need to focus on what you would gain by doing that.
There is a lot to be said for being on your own, I am, and it's really not that scary in reality once you get used to it. It's actually pretty fantastic.

something2say Sat 10-Nov-12 14:10:11

I completely agree with everyone else - it would be perfectly alright to divorce him. You will be alright because you'll have to be, and therefore you will.

What he has put you thro is completely unaccaptable and wrong. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Tell him he is a complete prick and you don't love or trust him and you don't care what he says, this life is not for you and you don't care what he thinks about that.

It may be the last thing you are thinking of, but somewhere there is a lovely gorgeous man for you and he does not want to make you have group sxe and call you names if you will not.

Its perfectly alright to leave this man. Start thinking of a way. I will be watching out for your posts. xxx

something2say Sat 10-Nov-12 14:11:02

Being on your own is great. It is not scary at all.

The absence of abuse and presence of simple love are amazing and you will soon be feeling a lot better and completely seeing the wood for the trees x

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 10-Nov-12 14:12:59

please believe in yourself! You are not silly or mad or uptight or immature.

Your husband is a dick

Rindercella Sat 10-Nov-12 14:18:55

I am so pleased you have taken the hugely brave step of posting on here. You will get so much help, support and advice.

It would seem that he abuses you in every and any way he chooses: emotionally, financially, physically and sexually.

I really feel for you and I hope this thread helps give you the strength to end your marriage to this awful, abusive man.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 14:19:16

Thank you foolon and everyone. I am going to speak to him when he gets back and tell him I agree with him on the divorce. I have no doubt he will laugh it off and do his normal ignore me until I just pretend everything is fine and carry on. He can go without speaking to me for weeks until I relent and pretend nothing happened when I cant take the silence anymore.

I will get a number for an attorney and see if one of my boys can take me up.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 14:20:45

I am so worried that I have a weak moment. I am going to avoid him until Monday.

Rindercella Sat 10-Nov-12 14:23:19

Any time you have a weak moment, post on here. It helps, I promise you smile

I just want to give you a massive hug. You have had 17 years of hell with this man. I think you probably need lots of tlc.

It can, and will, get better.

something2say Sat 10-Nov-12 14:23:53

Good, do that, but why not also ask him to pack a bag and go, at least for a while?

I really don't like the insinuation that you will be on the back foot here. Fuck him sneering at you.

If he won't leave, can you afford a night somewhere in a b&b? Sit alone and think. You can now create the woman you want to be, and bring out YOUR standards, like loyalty and decency and all the dormant things you would like to do and be in life. Doesn't matter that you're X years old, women start anew many times in their lives xxx Fuck him.

something2say Sat 10-Nov-12 14:24:58

What would happen in a weak moment?

If one happens, so what. The thoughts are there in your mind. You are not wrong, fact, and you never have been.

I feel quite annoyed for you. I should like to help you pack your bags from this man.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 14:25:16

"I have never been on my own. Im so scared."

You've been on your own for 20-odd years, love. The men in your life have let you be alone, acting neither as companion nor protector, preferring instead to damage and insult you in every conceivable way.

You are a remarkable woman however. Many living in the conditions you describe would have gone under. They'd be alcoholics or addicted to pills or dead and buried, even. You're still here, by contrast, and you've raised four boys in spite of it all. You're in a bad place right now because you're faced with a challenging decision, but you're still kicking and where there's life there's hope. So you are a survivor of the highest order and please, whatever you decide to do next, recognise that in yourself.

something2say Sat 10-Nov-12 14:25:50

Yes well said.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 14:28:47

Thank you Cogito. I am going to read and re read your words.

Selks Sat 10-Nov-12 14:29:10

well said Cogito

Rindercella Sat 10-Nov-12 14:30:49

Applauds Cogito.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 10-Nov-12 14:35:35

Absolutely agree.

And at least when he is gone you will also be free

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 14:38:25

Well... I absolutely hate people like your STBXH OP. They are cowardly, pathetic bullies, inadequate to their rotten, miserable cores, and I just know that you'll have had 17 straight years of being told your 'faults' at every opportunity. Aside from the horrendous, criminal stuff you've described, I'd bet my last £ that nothing you ever do is good enough in his eyes because that's how these shitty 'men' keep their victims subdued. If you were a prisoner rather than a wife, Amnesty would be campaigning for your release on the grounds that you were being systematically tortured.

So I want you to hear something else positive for a change. And, if it gives you the courage to get out of the door, that will be worth it.

AuntieMaggie Sat 10-Nov-12 14:47:40

If the only reason youcan summon the courage to leave is to show your boys that it is not right to treat a woman like this then please do it. I have no doubt that the oldest two may have an idea of things that have gone on over the years.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 15:35:56

Im so angry, sad, lost. He said he doesnt want to be married to me and doesnt care. He doesnt have to listen to me as we are getting divorced. I have lived a sham sad at any point had I not made the effort, this is what would have happened. Please help me. I feel like I want to beg him to love me and care that he has hurt me.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 15:37:05

How can a human being be so uncaring and flippant about their spouse?

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 15:38:22

I feel like I am worth nothing and this is just not worth it

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 15:39:22

I have given everything I have sad and its worthless.

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 15:40:03

He has waved me away like a dog sad

Selks Sat 10-Nov-12 15:42:29

I'm so sorry for your hurt and pain.

Notafoodbabyanymore Sat 10-Nov-12 15:43:45

Do your older boys know anything about how unhappy you are? Can they help you in any way to get out of this situation?

Really feel for you, please contact those links provided upthread. NOBODY deserves to be treated the way you have, you poor love. Be strong, you can walk away. (And I would normally be all for trying to make things work, but this marriage is a joke, due to your other half's attitude and treatment of you.)

Notafoodbabyanymore Sat 10-Nov-12 15:48:27

Sorry, too slow, cross posted with heaps of people.

He is a shithead and will never realise how much he's hurt you. Please don't beg him, please don't expect a change of heart.

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!

discrete Sat 10-Nov-12 15:49:12

He has never loved you, my dear. Sorry to have to say this.

You need to forget about him now, and work on yourself so you can get away from his poison.

Notafoodbabyanymore Sat 10-Nov-12 15:50:14

My heart is breaking for you, but things can only get better from here if you can summon up the courage to walk away

Lifeissweet Sat 10-Nov-12 15:50:15

This is just quite the most heartbreaking thing I've read on her for a long, long time. Please, please know that this is nothing to do with you not being good enough. No one is good enough for a bully and abuser like this. He wants you feeling worthless and helpless so that is why you feel this way. It doesn't matter who you are or what amazing qualities you have - he would make you feel this way regardless.

You are articulate, decent, moral, loving, caring, giving and strong. All of this I can tell by your posts - even when you are at rock bottom and feeling worthless. At your best you must be one hell of a woman. I look forward to hearing posts from that woman in the future when she's happy and moving forwards.

You have a lot if recovering to do and it will take time. I just want to get a plane and bring you to safety to begin a new, happier life.

Keep posting. Keep posting. Let us help you through this.

PoppyField Sat 10-Nov-12 15:54:20

My heart goes out to you Cantsee - you are being subjected to the most abominable abuse. You must feel like a prisoner and the person who is supposed to love you the most is your chief abuser. What a disgusting person he is. Well done for telling your story for the first time. It takes guts to tell it but I hope you gain strength from being able to write it down and read it back to yourself. I don't have any practical suggestions apart from the obvious fact that it is time to take action, no matter what has gone before and no matter how long it has taken you to get round to this. This is your moment, do not berate yourself for the number of years you have been in this prison. It is not your fault. None of this despicable treatment is your fault. You can take charge of your life and it will be better for you and your children, I have no doubt. I really really wish you well. You are strong enough. He may threaten divorce to scare you, but just wait till you start divorcing his sorry arse - that would be worth it. You know he will be nasty - but nothing could be nastier than living with this monster.

Good luck

SarryB Sat 10-Nov-12 15:57:04

I really don't know what to write to make you feel better. But listen to the previous posters - they have some brilliant advice.

You have the courage to do this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-Nov-12 15:58:18

"How can a human being be so uncaring and flippant about their spouse?"

Because they are inadequate creatures that care only about themselves and value nothing but their own selfish requirements. They have no concept of the word 'love', they can only 'control'. Your 'dog' analogy isn't quite correct .... I bet he gets on really well with dogs because they will never question or challenge him, they'll always do his bidding, and will always come back for more, however much punishment he dishes out.

You are worth a huge amount and the sooner you get away from his malevolent influence the quicker you'll appreciate that. Right now the only frame of reference you have is what he has told you about yourself.... I can tell that by the words you're using. When you call yourself 'worthless' that's him speaking, not you. You will not erase 17+ years of that kind of abuse overnight... the dependency, the cage he has created for you will be very tough to break out of... but I think you're half-way there. Just have to take that next step.

MichelleObarmy Sat 10-Nov-12 16:02:17

God, I feel for you. What a disgusting man...disgusting people. You have been badky abused and I am not surprised you feel totally ground down. You must summon up some strength from somewhere to contact a womens organisation and get advice and support - and you must leave, by any means necessary.

Sending you strength.

Xenia Sat 10-Nov-12 16:04:51

Do the older children see their father - your first husband?
Do you work?
If you split up with your husband would the 2 boys you have with him live with you or their father?

Might be worth speaking to a South African lawyer. Also if you own shares in the company your husband runs make sure you have copies of share certificates, all the accounts, his tax filings and details of all bank accounts and credit cards you and he have and debts. Ensure you have copies of your marriage certificate and the birth certificates of all 4 children.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 10-Nov-12 16:09:59

Cantsee

I very rarely post on relationship threads there are so many wonderful and wise people on here who say what i would want to far better than i feel able.

Your thread has moved me to tears though, none of this is your fault, you do not deserve to be treated this way.

Please be brave and stand up for yourself, you only have one life, yours should not be lived like that.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sat 10-Nov-12 16:10:17

Cantsee, I am so sad for you. You deserve so much more than this man. He has abused you horribly, and it's no wonder you are feeling so down.

Another one here sending you strength and hugs xxx

BlingLoving Sat 10-Nov-12 16:21:04

This sounds horrible! Where in south Africa? Certainly the bigger cities would have women's refuges that you (we) can research for you. On paper, the South African constitution is one of the most fair and forward thinking and you should be protected in terms of finances etc when you leave. Definitely find a lawyer. I am from South Africa and know a few lawyers - if you are in Cape Town I can send their details or perhaps you can contact them
To ask for lawyers elsewhere.

Are your older sons aware if any of this?i think children often know more than you think. Perhaps they can also help on a practical level - taking you to lawyer etc.

MyLittleFireBird Sat 10-Nov-12 16:57:28

This is one of the most heartbreaking threads I've ever read on MN. You have been so horribly abused sadsadsad I hope this is the first step of many for you.

Abitwobblynow Sat 10-Nov-12 17:08:05

Wena, kunjane? (and what would you reply back to me) - Sapele.

Yes. Sapele. YOU ARE ALIVE. You are alive, you aren't dead.

Waar woon jy now?

Listen - don't try and talk to him. Now is not the time. Now is the time to talk to us, and we will try and help you to sort out the wood for the trees.

OK, first things first: do you work? Or do you stay at home?

Second: who does the shopping? How do the groceries get paid? How do your bank accounts work?

Third: are you a co-sharer in the business?

Take a deep breath, know you are not alone, know that the nightmare is going to end and you are going to be free.

Can I ask: are you in the muslim community? Are you Afrikaans? I am looking for where we can support you.

Keep talking to us, don't worry about the dog now. He can wave you away all he likes, but the time of tyranny is coming to an end!

ajourneyofgiraffes Sat 10-Nov-12 17:18:17
Ra88 Sat 10-Nov-12 17:29:17

sad I feel so sorry for you . You sound like you feel trapped with him ? .. You only get 1 life , let it be a happy one !

You cheated on him .. And admitted it , he has been sleeping with someone else too it is no different in my eyes .

Leave him and be with someone who deserves you

foolonthehill Sat 10-Nov-12 21:18:16

www.services.gov.za/services/content/Home/ServicesForPeople/Relationships/domesticviolence/shelterhomesforvictims/en_ZA

this is the government link detailing shelters and legal details of injunction orders etc.

there appears to be a big push to raise awareness of DV in SA.
I hope that it has been matched by investment in the means to deal with it.

Dear OP _you will never be as alone out of this relationship as you are in it_

Cantseewood4trees Sat 10-Nov-12 22:23:22

My older sons father passed away two years ago so they would be with me. They hear him but dont know what happened with the swinging. I would die if they knew what I did. They are both still studying. I have not worked in about 12 years now. He does all the shopping. The bank account, house, bills are all in my name but I dont know any of the account numbers or pin codes for the cards.

Thank you all so so much for responding. It feels like I have an elephant on my chest.

amillionyears Sat 10-Nov-12 22:28:18

Sending you hugs.

If you were to do a first step, do you know what your first step should be?
I am a believer in doing baby steps, if the whole thing is too hard in one go.
Baby steps still get you where you want to be.

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