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So you think your DH is odd? Mine thinks I bought him an oompaloompa...

(70 Posts)
lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:29:22

I put this on my fb status the other day, because sometimes I just have to share this stuff. You couldnt make it up!

I bought a car seat for DS2 the other day, and it arrived in a massive box.

When DH got home from work, he started doing this gurning thing he does when something is on his mind. (he does that, or breathes really heavily - breathing heavily means I've upset him, gurning just means something is bothering him)
I asked him why he was pulling faces. No I'm not telling you cos it'll just confirm you think I'm wierd, he says. Yes probably, I say, but tell me anyway. I doubt I'll be surprised.

I was worrying that it has no air holes he said. Go on - I prompt.
And then it all comes out. The short version being that he thought I bought him a midget as a present. (I know thats not pc, but with DH being pc is the least of our problems)
His first instinct/thought was that
a) I bought him a midget to do the housework and
b) it wouldnt be able to breathe.

I said to him I think you just described an oopmaloompa to me. He thought about that. Yes, he said, I think thats what I thought it might be. Just not orange.

So go on, give me some odd partner behaviour. Not just annoying behaviour - but really bizarre things!

HappyGirlNow Fri 09-Nov-12 15:34:27

Erm... What???? hmm

FellatioNelson Fri 09-Nov-12 15:35:47

confusedshock

I am temporarily unable to think of anything to contribute that can even compete with that for weirdness.

Pascha Fri 09-Nov-12 15:35:54

Nooooo, I can't say I can beat being accused of trafficking dwarves...

Schlock Fri 09-Nov-12 15:36:36

Does he T-rex?

ThickCut Fri 09-Nov-12 15:37:53

Wtf? Why on earth would he think that? Did you buy him a leprechaun (sp?) For his birthday?

weegiemum Fri 09-Nov-12 15:40:32

Mine once thought I'd bought a parrot. It was a guinea-pig! (think noises).

Have never been accused of Oompa-Loompa trafficking, though!

HyvaPaiva Fri 09-Nov-12 15:41:38

hmm

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:42:09

damn. someone must have a wierder one than mine? although to be honest, I've never met another one quite like him...

no he doesnt T-rex...

what the hell?

mutny Fri 09-Nov-12 15:42:50

What did you put on FB? I couldn't work that out.

The rest of it isn't so much weird and concerning.

Coops79 Fri 09-Nov-12 15:44:08

Please tell me that this is completely true and not just made up randomness. I am currently weeping and hyperventilating in response. And no, I can not compete. Leave the bastard though, obvs. ;)

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:44:16

I dont know why he'd think that. He's not like other people. Normal rules don't apply with him. There is no logic. Or sense. Or any of those things...( this is not always a good/funny thing - you cannot argue with someone whose brain doesnt compute like 'normal' folk)

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:45:45

I put on fb that he thought I'd had him delivered an oompaloompa in a box and that he was worried it had no air holes. The folk who know him just went 'ah, yes pmsl'. The folk who know me, but not him went 'wtf???'

Merrow Fri 09-Nov-12 15:49:05

I once had a conversation with my DP about how I was jealous that the Masons (as in the Masonic lodge people) could teleport between lodges. For about five minutes I sincerely believed in what I was saying, before realising I was talking complete nonsense.

ThickCut Fri 09-Nov-12 15:50:30

Do not drip feed op grin we need to know more about him <sounds fascinating>

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:51:14

lol THATS more like it! About that level of wierdness is about right ;)

NatashaBee Fri 09-Nov-12 15:54:28

I would bloody love it if someone bought me a midget.

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:58:14

well I ususally just put this stuff on fb updates as it happens. My friends like to hear about it!! I only post the most boggling ones though. Not always stuff he thinks, but stuff he does. He did try to remove cactus spikes from his hand with his mouth a few weeks back. That didnt end well. I did offer him tweezers but his method was more effective. More effective if you want a gobfull of cactus spikes anyway.

ThickCut Fri 09-Nov-12 15:59:34

Sometimes things happen and it does make me wonder just how men's brains work. One day we went round to mum and dads for tea (curry) dad was grilling naan breads when my sister pointed out to him they should be sprinkled with water, the look on his face when he came up with what he thought was a genius idea, only a man could of thought it, he sprayed them with water, out of the fucking iron!
i didn't eat them

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 16:01:47

gringrin

SonOfAradia Fri 09-Nov-12 16:04:03

it does make me wonder just how men's brains work.

Pretty much like yours.

littleladyindoors Fri 09-Nov-12 16:07:45

seriously funny, possibly because I can see my own DH saying this!! and my Dad!!

TalesFromTheCryptoFascist Fri 09-Nov-12 16:09:11

Mine might be weird but at least he can spell WEIRD properly.

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 16:12:01

so shoot me smile

LittleBairn Fri 09-Nov-12 16:16:51

I would be seriously concerned my DH was loosing his grip on reality and insist he visit the GP if he seriously though that I would not only obtain a 'Dwarf' but have it delivered in a box with the intention of using it as a slave for domestic chores.

ilovetermtime Fri 09-Nov-12 16:21:01

That is so funny! Thank you for making me laugh out loud smile

Um, his first thought when seeing a box is that it must contain a person with a disability to use for his convenience?
That really is very odd.
Can't compete I'm afraid!

SufferingLampreys Fri 09-Nov-12 16:24:10

Does he or has he ever taken large quantities if drugs?

FobblyWoof Fri 09-Nov-12 16:24:28

My best friend lives overseas at the moment. The other night we were messaging each other about all the things we're going to do when she's home for Christmas. We used to love shopping with each other and DP knows this so I told him our plans.

Me: when BF gets back we're going to go clothes shopping!
DP: why?
Me: why not? confused
DP: well, don't they sell them over there?
Me: yes...but sometimes it's nice to go clothes shopping with a friend
DP: clothes? Oh, I though you said cloves!

Now, I understand mishearing things but surely he would have put two and two together before then. Why the fuck would we go shopping for cloves??

NervousAt20 Fri 09-Nov-12 16:24:43

grin ha that's made my day abit brighter lol. I'm sure things are never boring in your house OP

Lonelynessie Fri 09-Nov-12 16:28:21

I have nothing to add but grin

Thanks for a good laugh op!

puds11 Fri 09-Nov-12 16:28:59

grin Fobbly thats hilarious.

My ExDP didn't believe me that butter came from cows hmm

SufferingLampreys Fri 09-Nov-12 16:33:13

Puds please don't tell me he was in a well paid job. It's just depressing

puds11 Fri 09-Nov-12 16:58:55

No he isn't, but he is a very intelligent man mostly.

Convict224 Fri 09-Nov-12 17:16:38

My ex husband had a big party to celebrate him getting a new glass eye. The party was raided by the police (neighbours, darn em, complained) The policeman just shook his head and said he'd never heard that one before.

He also trained the dog to bite anyone who said "onions". Not "give me your money" or "I want to have sex with your daughter". He got his kicks from asking people to list all the vegetables they could hoping to hit paydirt.

Doesn't beat vertically challenged airless domestic help.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Fri 09-Nov-12 17:50:38

My DH now has oompaloompa envy.

nightswimmer Fri 09-Nov-12 17:57:16

that is so funny lynniep I was laughing so much and read it out to my 14 yr old dd who thought so too. He sounds like he has an interesting mind !

nightswimmer Fri 09-Nov-12 17:58:28

I also loved that he was concerned about the air holes!

bunjies Fri 09-Nov-12 18:05:17

No can't compete but this thread is hilarious.

Fobbly - that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I am snorting and the dcs think I am mad.

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 21:28:42

He's just had me cracking up again. Although I have had a bit of the old vino.
I'm having a 10- minute time out whilst he watches have I got news to you.

He was pointing out how well he'd cleaned the dining room table, and I pointed out he'd thrown away DS1s party invite for tomorrow and this continued as to how he must have thrown away various other stuff too (like the bolts for the bed we're selling etc etc - he is denying this - but he does normally throw away anything he doesnt recognise.

He said no I don't. I didn't throw away that ladies thing for your tummy.
What ladies thing for my tummy?
You know, the thing that goes jubblywubbly over your tummy to make it flat. (he is using hand actions here to jiggle his belly about)

I have absolutely no clue what you're on about
The black thing with the special hand grippy thing that you put on your wibbly bits
OK no I really have no clue. Where did you put it?
Somewhere discreet. I didn't think the boys should see it.
Wheres that?
Next to the puddings

<off I go to look for the mysterious jubbyly wubbly tummy flattener>
(back in the living room)

Are you talking about the drill base that I was charging?
No, its a ladies thing. For tummies.
No, its the drill. The base for the drill. I was charging it. When you asked me to put holes in the plant pot the other day I had to charge the drill remember?
Oh. Well it looks like a ladies thing

<just another bizarre converstation in the p household>

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 09-Nov-12 21:56:53

grin fucking hell that's cheered me up.

Thanks OP

carlywurly Fri 09-Nov-12 22:00:31

I'm thinking I'm more drunk than I thought confused

lynniep Fri 09-Nov-12 22:06:37

he is now snoring on sofa. I would quite like a magic wubbylytummyflattener now smile

Gentleness Sat 10-Nov-12 00:17:40

By the puddings. I love that.

piprabbit Sat 10-Nov-12 00:26:14

Do we have any TV exec MNers who could commission OP's DH for his very own programme?

I'd watch it grin

rumbelina Sat 10-Nov-12 00:36:43

What the...?

TramadolJacket Sat 10-Nov-12 00:38:17

Sorry, but confused

ripsishere Sat 10-Nov-12 00:38:30

Brilliant. Perhaps you could train your oompaloompa to charge the wubblytummyflattener.

Well.. that's different... grin

poorbuthappy Sat 10-Nov-12 00:41:16

Between this and the pooby thread tonight I have laughed a lot.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 10-Nov-12 00:41:53

This is the funniest thread i have read in ages!!!

Op your description of events are so funny, im reading this & shaking with laughter... Brilliant! Your dp sounds fantastic!

djelibeybi Sat 10-Nov-12 00:45:21

I have read that dwarf throwing competitions are popular in Australia.

Does he drink watery, yellow beer?

Have any of his relatives been transported for sheep-stealing?

Does he have mutually satisfying but possibly abusive relationships with marsupials?

Does he say "G'day" or "strewth" and call you "Sheila"?

It could be that he is drifting into Antipodeanism.

sashh Sat 10-Nov-12 04:42:37

MNHQ - please put this in classics

Pdoubleumpkin Sat 10-Nov-12 04:48:04

You couldn't make it up. Really?

OlaRapaceFru Sat 10-Nov-12 07:14:48

So first he seriously thinks that you'd have a human being delivered to the house in a cardboard box and then mistakes the drill base for a Slendertone? Bloody hell, you must have some fascinating times in your house grin

Nope - absolutely can't compete with that.

Love the steam iron being used to 'water' the naan bread too wink

lynniep Sat 10-Nov-12 07:32:14

djeli - he does in fact pine for a move back to Oz (we did live there for 18 months)
This could be because they are less pc (that is of course a sweeping generalisation, but it does have the 'feel' of being a couple of decades behind - especially in his favourite place the )
The dwarf throwing is something that has been mentioned on several occasions in our household
And he thinks kangaroos 'dangly bits' are the funniest thing ever. He will be 40 in a few months.

lynniep Sat 10-Nov-12 07:38:45

I missed a word out there because I forgot what it was. Not actually a word. 'RSL'. A drinking establishment that is his ideal haven. They seem to have gone upmarket since we left, but the ones he liked were the ones similar to old style working mens clubs here, with cheap beer, large gaming areas, big screens fro the footy and large cafe areas with massive platefuls served, and colourful locals he could hold bizarre conversations with. As well as meat raffles...

FirstTimeForEverything Sat 10-Nov-12 07:46:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moln Sat 10-Nov-12 07:59:21

Are Oompalumpas famed for doing hoousework?

RudolphUcker Sat 10-Nov-12 08:08:15

Good Lord. I am lost for words.

OlaRapaceFru Sat 10-Nov-12 08:26:43

I'd be intrigued to know what Mrlynniep does for a job - is his rather unique imagination a drawback or a benefit? shock grin

BTW, what is that green thing sweeping your patio - perhaps that's where DH got the idea that you can order Housework Oompalumpas over the internet? Or is it one of your gorgeous DC in fancy dress?

fuzzpig Sat 10-Nov-12 08:36:32

by the puddings is honestly the funniest thing I've read in ages grin

What a crazy thread!

AbigailAdams Sat 10-Nov-12 10:16:45

I wish I knew your husband OP grin. Although I can imagine living with him a little taxing!

Very funny grin

grin

Anniegetyourgun Sat 10-Nov-12 11:12:51

Good lord, I don't think even XH could compete with the oompaloompa (and would certainly have recognised part of a drill). He did once offer to construct a vibrator for me, presumably out of parts left lying around in the garage, but that was when we were splitting up so he was being extra peculiar (probably, but not certainly, on purpose). He also brought home a used pregnancy testing kit from a flat he was clearing out because, he said, I might find it useful.

lynniep Sat 10-Nov-12 13:43:56

OlaRapacefru. He's an accountant. Yes really. He saves the wacky stuff for us smile

The dragon is my youngest who will be 3 tomorrow. Like many toddlers he likes dressing up and sweeping.

Abigailadams - yes living with him can be hard work. I am used to it though and he has toned down a LOT from when I met him. He has OCD which I tend not to even notice any more, I just take it for granted. (In fact I do some of his 'things' myself because I'm used to him asking me to - like taking the third paper down from the pile in the shop)

He is very very intelligent and very very good at his job. He has never failed to get a job he has gone for interview for.
Even the one where he was late because we had to stop off at tesco to buy him longjohns (he can't wear suit trousers against his skin and we forgot to bring some)
Even the one where he wore odd shoes and had his fly undone (they did tell him this at the end of the interview and asked him not to get dressed in the dark next time)
He will not take a job where suits are mandatory - fortunately he has always found work where they let him where his beige cords with a shirt!

Not my DP, but a friends dad once answered the door to me, opened it 6 inches and quietly growled at me until his wife found him and told him off. He also recorded the cadburys advert with the gorilla so he could watch it at his convenience (he loved it) and requested that the hairdresser gave him a cut that made him look like a cross between Elvis and a silver back gorilla. A lovely family, but my god he was nutty.

JockTamsonsBairns Sat 10-Nov-12 18:16:22

Love the cloves shopping one grin. On the subject of mishearing, I had this exchange with DH recently one evening when he arrived home from work.

DH: Oh, have you got diarrhoea?
ME: um, no confused
DH: It looks like you have
ME: Eh?
DH: It's a different colour than usual, like a dark brown.
ME: Wtf confused
DH: It looks nice
ME: <scared> Oh look, can we just stop this
DH: Christ, I was only being nice.
ME: Why would I have diarrhoea though?
DH: No, I asked you if you'd dyed your hair grin
blush

OlaRapaceFru Sat 10-Nov-12 18:36:15

You know what, lynniep? I was going to say that I thought your DH was either a mad but quite brilliant professor, or maybe works in a creative industry, creating perfectly and beautifully designed something-or-others!!

Not that there's anything wrong with being an accountant, but somehow a 'wacky accountant' sounds a bit like a oxymoron wink.

As Abigail says, he sounds great fun ... albeit a little taxing to live with grin.

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