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Best and worst ways to end a relationship?(68 Posts)
Just curious about other people's stories of best and worst ways to end things. My boyfriend of 3.5 years appears to have decided our relationship is over. We had a few cross words 3 weeks ago, and since then, nothing. I left it a few days then texted - nothing. Have rung a few times (withholding number) - no pick up.
For the past 3.5 years he has spent 3 nights a week in my home. My DCs love him. I haven't told them yet because they will be really upset and I can't face it while I still feel upset.
I find it amazing that a man of nearly 40 can behave in this way. Do other people have similar stories or am I just unlucky?
How horrible for you. It's very immature of him - presuming he's ok. I have no clever advice but hopefully wiser heads than mine will be along to provide suggestions shortly and meanwhile I couldn't just pass by without sending you support and sympathy.
Eh?! If DH had done that whilst we were going out I would honestly have presumed he had died. What an awful thing to do. Are you sure he is actually ok?
I had a major and justifiable row with an ex and left him to stew. After a week, a mutual acquaintance stopped me in the street and told me she was sorry to hear that we had broken up. Over the next few days, I had similar conversations with 3 other people.
Eventually he turned up at my house but he denied he'd said it!
I dumped him there and then. Twat.
He is the only one of my
many exes that I blank if I happen to see him in the street.
Terrible story marriednotdead, but I respect your strength of character!
I know he is ok because a mutual acquaintance through work told me she'd see him at a work event two days ago - I haven't told anyone we've parted yet
because I haven't been told myself.
It's reached the point now where if I do have to speak to him, I want to tell him it's over anyway, because of his behaviour these past 3 weeks. But I will be upset when/if we do speak in either case because I love him and three weeks ago he was talking about moving in together(!)
I am also very angry with him. Selfish twat.
My OH of twenty years went to a party, came back and then said he wanted out. You are unlucky my love. Some men behave badly. I am so sorry this has happened. You deserve so much better....
Gosh youre a strong person. If more than 12 hours passes with no text or call from dp I go nuts with worry!
My STBXH ran off during the night when our Dc and I were in bed then when asked if he was sorry for how he had hurt us all said 'Well I could have handled it better.' Now theres a quote I have emblazened on my soul!!!
Ah....I had that quote too from my ex, redtulip. They really are stupid, aren't they! I hope that your life turned around and that you met someone who was less of a selfish coward.
Nonnus, sorry to hear you're going through this. I've had similar when an exBF went AWOL and once I'd tracked him down (2 weeks later) he said it was over. The bastard never even had the guts to tell me, just disappeared and left me to stew; it was a serious relationship too. I can handle being dumped much better than the not knowing what's happening and where I stand limbo situation. Another twat dumped me on my 21st birthday (after I asked him why he was 4 hours late picking me up to go out), an another one had one last shag then dumped me immediately afterwards (in the afterglow!), and another went AWOL after the first time we had sex (and that was on the 4th date). Sorry, I digressed, but I think you're just unlucky as in my experience it's not usual to be dumped like that.
Being a bit nosy. what were the cross words about? Not that anything excuses a three-week blanking, mind you.
Can't you go round to his and find out what the fuck is going on? Don't allow him to treat you this way!
Confront him and YOU tell HIM you want out! Prick.
I was dumped by my DH of six years by means of a note on the kitchen table and a follow-up answerphone message reminding me that someone was coming to fix the washing machine later that week... Really don't recommend that.
Best way to end it, I think, is the short, sweet approach. 'It's not working and it's over' - said in person face to face, of course. Longer relationships might deserve a little more dialogue but I can't see the point stretching it out with great long explanations. The end result is the same, the hurt is no less really. Where there are children involved and contact retained, the best way is to be fair. Similarly with marital assets. But the actual 'it's over' conversation shouldn't be dragged out.
Did your 'cross words' OP result in any kind of 'I won't be back' type sentiments? He probably thinks that was implicit.
A boyfriend told me he was going to the pub, then.... Nothing. I was actually frantic with worry. I didn't hear anything from him for a week. And then I got a letter through the post telling me he couldn't deal with the fact I was now disabled.
I'm sorry you are being treated like this, you really deserve better.
Ex Husband of over 20 years did a runner in the middle of the night without a word, wouldn't tell anyone where he was, when we did finally speak he acted like he'd just nipped out for a pint of milk, I've never had a single word of explanation since, oh he did come round to talk once early on but literally sat and watched telly and said not a word. When the divorce was finalised he just said vaguely 'oh yeah I think my solicitor said something about that'. Twat.
SirBoob what an absolute bastard.
I found the long list of why 'it's not me, it's you', complete with 'I do want to have children, I've realised, just not with you' and the extensive breakdown of everything I had done wrong over the past three years a little...devastating at the time. (I ended up with clinical depression after it.)
Being phoned (by a different tosser) on Christmas Eve, when I was halfway across the country visiting my sister and her new baby, to be told 'I'm going back to my soulmate, so you might want to rearrange your Boxing Day travel plans' was not fab either.
A so called friend dumped me by text. An ex lover used me while his girfriend was overseas but he dumped me to my dace in a nice wsy even though he had proved to be an evil criminal. Anothet guy dupeed me to my face but was already cheating on me.
Other friends just disappeared much to my relief but it is the cowards way out.
I had a bf once who told me he wanted "someone to look good on his arm" This did wonders for my self esteem as you can imagine.
In fairness he apologised 20 years later for being such a prick.
Wow, looks like we've all met some right wankers.
<hands around >
i think it is unwise to end a relationship face to face - if you really must do so, do it in a public space.
too many women get killed every week by partners they are trying to leave - some of whom had never been violent before.
Phone call i think i personal enough, though not risky.
Not all relationships are violent. Sorry that has been your experience Edgar.
it wasn't my experience because i have always used a phonecall - since a workmate was throttled to death by her previously non-violent OH i don't take chances.
Not all relationships are violent and ending via a phonecall is the only option.
After a quickie in the bathroom my exh says "do me a favour, don't say anything to my mates about this eh?" that's how I found out he was having a relationship elsewhere !! dickhead...
her relationship wasn't violent before that point. a minute of madness and that woman died and her OH got a 15 year sentence. similar almost happened to my mother (she blacked out instead of dying though) when leaving her first husband.
I would never advise my daughter to take a chance by dumping a bloke anyway other than distance, and if she really must, then in a public space.
Been ignored until I got it, dumped by letter in short term relationships.
In the two long term living together ones previous to my marriage I was the one to say its over. first time face to face. Sober.
Second time very very drunk. but only because they behaved so badly they made me take the responsibility for ending it and then played the victim to all our mutual friends...
Yes I had an online chatting relationship last year and this and have been ignored until I got it! Another coward.
Well since my OP, we have had some contact but it hasn't advanced things. I texted him after 10 days suggesting we meet for a drink to discuss things. He said he was too busy that day but "clearly we do need to talk". So I rang him twice and texted three times to arrange when - no response. Then I rang again and left a pissed-off message saying essentially "I realise that this is over but I would like to discuss it like adults and also I would like to know what to tell the DCs about you". He replied by text again saying yes we need to talk, so I said I would go to see him this weekend if he told me when wld be convenient - he hasn't replied! I have loads of his stuff and I don't particularly want him turning up at my house unexpectedly for it (would confuse the DCs) but I'm not turning up to his with it if he can't even be bothered to speak to me.
I am so annoyed now, I don't know what to do. This just isn't how you end things.
I'd been with my ex for twelve years when he got his mother to call me to tell me he'd got married while on a posting overseas
That was six years ago. I can almost laugh about it now.
After graduating I struggled to find a job in anything. After a month of reigning in the party lifestyle to adjust for the fact I wasn't earning, ex of 1.5y dumped me by text for "bringing him down." He was actually shagging anything that moved, I later found out.
7 years on I have a good career and a happy life, and he has convictions for criminal damage, sexual assault and drink driving.
He is a coward and I would be livid at his patheticness. Especially as your poor dc are involved. Shove all his stuff into a bin liner
with a dog turd hidden inside so it's ready to give him and there won't be any need for prolonged rummaging around your house. I do appreciate how this could be tricky without your dc wondering what's going on.
I really he hope he pulls his socks up and that you're ok!
I would text him and say
"I can't be bothered talking about it at this stage. It's clear that there is nothing left to talk about. But I have stuff belonging to you and I don't want you coming here and confusing the children. When and where will I meet you to hand it over. And bare in mind that UK not holding on to it for more than a few days".
What a feckless man. Agree with the others, there is nothing you need to talk about now, what's it going to add to the situation? Stick his stuff in a black bag, tell him he can get it between the hours of X otherwise you'll be throwing it away. He hasn't shown you much courtesy, he's lucky you haven't taken his stuff to the tip.
I had a friend who was with her DP for 8 years, engaged with mortgage together. One day she took the day off work, waited til he'd gone to work, then moved all her stuff out without any explanation. He was lovely and she was 'bored of him'. The rest was done through solicitors.
Much like your 'DP' OP, she was a coward.
One of mine decided he'd rather be with a previous GF. And sent her to tell me. Lucky escape?
OP, put all of his things into a bin bag, and text him a (reasonable) time and date to collect it. If he fails to show or rearrange, put it out with the rubbish.
Worst dumping? My 57 yr old exP (living together for 5 years, but recently moved out, telling me and his family it was only temporary and would be back) changed his relationship status to single on FB, leading to me finding him in bed with someone else. I know I sound naive, but I had actually asked if we were over when he said he wanted to move out, and he insisted we weren't, he just wanted to work on our relationship from a distance!
At 5 months pregnant ( due scan in 3 days) ex said he was going home to parents for a few days he got violent night before for first time. 6 weeks later when I managed to get hold of him he said he was in love with another woman and loved her kids more than 'it' ( what he called his unborn baby) and was moving abroad I was nearly 7 months pregnant. He had connected with her 4 months earlier off Internet dating site.
It takes a while but the relief I am not with that Narcissist anymore is a blessing.
ExP of 8 years walked out on me on New Year's Eve, while I was ill in bed with gastroenteritis. Got a text hours later telling me he wanin a pub alone (yeah right), and he needed to sort his head out. There was weeks of back and forth, then an email telling me he was going to Thailand with his mate to "find himself" and we would talk when he got back. As if I didn't already know it wa all over at that point, he decided to send me an email to my work address telling me it was over the second he got back from Thailand. Cue me being sent home by the boss as I'd turned into a sobbing wreck.
Then, when I said I wanted the house and finances sorted and all his stuff removed ASAP, he started backtracking, so I had months of hell dealing with the useless twat and his "can't believe it's all over", and messing about not signing papers that he promised he would.
i did feel much better at the end of all this wrangling when he turned up uninvited and unannounced to see his cat he'd left behind, (poor little cat was v ill) and I informed him that I was seeing someone and not to contact me ever again now the legal stuff was all done. He actually had the nerve to look all hurt!
Thanks for all your stories, I am glad I am not the only one with an idiot partner.
This evening he texted to tell me he would be arriving at my house shortly. I thought "I don't think so" because the DCs are away and I knew I didn't want to be left alone late at night, upset.
So I told him I wasn't there (which at the time I wasn't). Which led to a phone conversation in which he shouted a lot about how shit I had been and I pointed out that yes, we'd had an argument but I had been the one to contact him in the end (not the other way round). Anyway he wanted to come round so I said ok, but i don't want you to come and we have an upsetting conversation and then you leave. He suggested that we had stuff to discuss so i said i could go home and he came.
When he arrived i was so happy to see him, we talked about the relationship stuff and I thought actually we could move forward. But then he said that as I hadn't contacted him for 10 days (even though in the end it was me who contacted him - I broke the silence), clearly this relationship was not working and it had to end.
I'm very humiliated to say I begged him to stay. He refused.
I feel like a failure, and love and hate him in equal measure. I know he has someone else because he just is not the sort of man to end something without the next prospect lined up.
Bleurgh. How do I feel better?
Sounds like you've had a lucky escape to be honest. What a prize arsehole.
Big hugs. xx
Please please please re-read this tomorrow. He's put you in a place of humiliation and shame.....but I kind of get the feeling you'd do anything to keep him
He is no "prize" to be won by the woman who can cook the best dinners/iron the best shirts/give the best blow jobs..... he's a waste of space who will exploit everyone and everything he comes across.
I've re-read it Fermez, but I still feel absolutely shite.
Sorry for the bluntness of my last post... he is messing you about because he recognises his position of power. How dare he pin it on you "because you haven't contacted in ten days you can't think very much of this relationship, etc etc".
I think you're right about having someone else lined up, so this is the point where you just have to accept it and switch off. And I still think a well-hidden turd among his belongings is a plan...
Hope you're feeling better this morning.
Thanks Fermez. I let him take his stuff. Turd-free.
It's funny, you'd think this stuff would get easier, having been through a few breakups before and come out the other side. But it isn't.
No, it's absolutely crap. And the shit part isn't necessarily the breaking up - most relationships come to an end at some point - it's the deceptive, cowardly, disrespectful, treat-you-like-rubbish way many men decide to go about it.
Nonnus, he is a coward like a lot of men it seems. He couldn't face telling you the truth so he turns it around and blames you for not communicating. He knows it's bull, you know it's bull, but hey same result, he wanders off free of guilt to pursue something with somebody else. I am very very sorry and whoever wrote that he isn't a 'prize' - spot on. You will come to realise it soon and you deserve better.
I've been on the receiving end of "I've been talking out of my cock. I can't see you because I feel guilty" And when I've asked what do you feel guilty about - wham bang disappear of planet earth. Let them do that. You're free now to take some time to yourself and family and reallise that you can do better than him.
exhusband. --- had moved country to set up hom,e for his return. about month n half later his sister told me via myspace that we where getting a divorce.
ex boybrifiend. you know i love you and your the best t hing ever to happen to me.. i want to break up.
funnly enough the second hurt the most!
Some of these stories are dreadful.
My previous boyfriend - another 3 year relationship - told me at the airport on the way home from a 2 week holiday with my DCs (during which he'd been very frisky) that I should not bother attending the party at his house that all our friends were coming to two days later, as his new partner was moving in with him the next day. Then the flight home was delayed for six hours .
I have to say, I am wondering now if it is me.
nonnus.... i dont get where they get off . how very dare he and they and all the bastered men do this?
dont start thinking it is you. you didnt put these mental crazy ideas into their head on how to act! they are cowards.
have you got any rl friends who you can go to. maybe arrange a nigh tout, or better yet a night in with wine chocolate and just good old fashioned giggles.?
I am going to my best friend's house for lunch today, just need to find the energy to get out of bed first and try and
disguise the red eyes and puffy face make myself look presentable.
Hi Nonnus - it can't be you because so many other people have similar stories and it has happened several times to a number of people.
I hope you don't mind me saying that 10 days of silence between the two of you with you now pointing out to him that you were the one to finally make contact sounds very unhealthy. It was clearly a stand off in which neither one of you wanted to back down. It seems like you felt that you did back down in the end and now that things have gone wrong are turning that into a virtue and suggesting that you did make the effort by being the one to contact him. I'm honestly not criticising you and I do think that he has behaved like a tool but the dynamics of your relationship sound unhealthy and negative to me and I think you are well out of it.
With regard to his stuff, unless he has things belonging to you also that you want I would tell him that it will be left in a box open to the elements and dumped on your front doorstep at a time convenient to you when you do not have to see him and your DC do not have to see him. Taking back some control is the only thing that will make you feel even a little better for a little while. And good friends which I am glad to see you have.
Wanderingsoul stating the bleeding obvious but it is not just men who do this. My DH has a terrible story of arriving home early after working away for a few weeks to find his house empty and his gf just about to walk out the door. After sending him for a pint of milk so that they could talk over a coffee she then called the police and told him that he had threatened her and had a gun. He was pulled over by the police and since he did have a gun(rifle - legitimately) he spent the night in the police cells. Fortunately her brother managed to get him released, had her retract her story and provided a few explanations to the police regarding the effect of her upbringing on her way of dealing with life.
On the other side when I first met DH he had an ex GF who simply would not take "no" for an answer. In the end the only way to deal with her was to ignore her completely, change e-mail address etc and eventually have his mother contact her to let he know he had emigrated (not quite as cringey as it sounds but nearly and entirely truthful).
SarahBB, the 10 days' silence was a first. Till then we have spoken almost every day. But when we had The Argument, he said some very nasty things to me, including that he did not want to be in this relationship. We had had one previous major argument a long time ago, after which I kept contacting him and as he was still angry, the argument kept continuing whenever I did. We have different styles - I like to resolve things quickly and clear the air, he doesn't. So after that he had told me that if he ever really lost his rag then rather than keep contacting him I should leave him to calm down. So this time that is what I thought I would do, especially as he had (to my mind) expressed serious reservations about the whole thing.
Last night he accused me of "ignoring" him for 10 days. I explained the above and then pointed out that it was silly to get angry about me not contacting him for 10 days when, when I had contacted him after that, he wouldn't take my calls. He wouldn't have it.
He is a. Knob. You are well rid. Really. It's not what he is saying, it's what he is doing.
You will look back on this with amazement in a few years.
Ok, so: start of a new week, and the start of my single life. I am trying to keep remembering that I will feel better about this soon, and just need to keep on going till then.
BUT I keep having that thing where I think of him and the things we were going to do together and having that "Oh, but we're not, now" moment. I feel so upset by how he has made the break up all about my failings as a partner. I miss him. I'm not looking forward to telling the DCs but will have to.
So my question is, what do I do to feel better, feel more positive about the fact that if it had to end, better now than later? How do you pick yourself up and look to a different future after a break up?
You need to think about what you like doing, enjoy, what makes you happy? Then do it. Keep busy for. Few months. Plan to meet up with friends, see films etc. leave no room for doubt.
Tell your dc.
It wasn't you. It was him.
You will feel better once you plan your life for You.
Thanks Autumnmum. I have a strong urge to text him. Maybe he is having second thoughts, etc. This is pathetic, I know. I miss him though.
One ex (long distance relationship for 2.5 years) told me it was over literally 30 seconds before taxi came to pick him up from my house to take him to the train station. No time for me to respond...
I had too much pride to phone him - 5 days later he phoned me and asked what time I was coming down that weekend as if nothing had happened! I said I wasn't coming down - we needed some space to have a long hard think about whether we couldn't work or not and then a have a proper discussion about it. He promised he'd phone me in a week...
...one month later I'd heard nothing, so I finally phoned him. He acted completely shocked like of course we'd broken up, there was nothing more to say. He'd had a month to come to terms with it while I'd' been in limbo. Too much of a coward to give me closure because he couldn't stand the hassle of giving me a valid explanation or admitting the truth: he had it too easy living with his mummy and couldn't be bothered to relocate to live with me!
Nonnus stay strong.
if he won't treat you well he is not worth another thought. Really.
The reason why I keep my relationships separate from my life with my DS. (as much as I can).
It's just not worth it.
DS is always nr. 1, if the man can't deal with it, says it all.
Wow, I thought my ExP was an a-hole! You ladies have seriously been with some prized w4nkers haha! My ExP was caught cheating on me by a 'friend'. I confronted him, he carried on playing his stupid Xbox game so I unplugged the damn thing and asked him again. Made out I was crazy. Two weeks passed, I was home visiting my mum and he calls to tell me he doesn't want to sort things out (I.e admit he was a cheating you know what) and that was it. I was physically sick. He then paraded his new gf round in front of me, and when I eventually became 'close friends with benefits' with another guy he had the audacity to challenge him in a bar! He is now married to one of the girls he cheated on me with. He took a few of my 'friends' for a test ride first though.....never get with a squaddie hey! Now happily married with a two year old. Life goes on. I was hurting for a long time after splitting with the a-hole, but he was just there to make me appreciate my DH I think you will get there, use your friends for support and keep yourself busy.
Nonnus, how horrible for you. Don't text or contact him though, because you need to have some pride that you don't deserve to be have been treated so badly. He has used the time to move on, which is very selfish. Have you got a nice gf who can drop over or chat on the phone? And leave your phone downstairs, on silent. Try not to have wine and text/ call him. Be your own best friend- twee, but it does work.
Re your dc, you can just say he treated you badly, and in relationships it's not acceptable to put up with that, so although it makes you sad, it's over and lets o out and have some fun. Can you look on it as a way to teach them about relationships and how to cope?
Oh, and get rid of his stuff. Bin liners, outside the door, if it's not gone by morning, straight to oxfam. Don't hang onto it.
What an arse. You are well rid, and if you have bought him a present, take it back and get yourself something fabulous.
I was dumped over instant messenger. We were moving in together, planning to get married when he went to see his parents on the other side of the country, and while he was there im'ed me saying it was over, and he wasn't coming back
You're well rid. Cry as much as you need, and delete his number. You don't need it any more.
I think you need togather your strength and confront him - in public or private, but away from your children. Sending you mental strength now....
My ex husband played with my mind for nearly a year saying he did nt feel right, etc etc but denying there was anyone else. Well as it turned out there was someone else - considerably younger, and he had taken her on a "clearing his head" trip to China too.
You are worth more than thi girl.
I haven't read the entire thread yet so apologies if I've missed anything. I was going to say there isn't really any good way to end a relationship, if it isn't mutual there isn't much that can soften the blow for the other person. But I'm thinking in terms of when things have been bad for a while anyway so you're expecting it.
What he has done is horrendous and I'm really sorry for you. It seems really cowardly and I think I would want that conversation.
Just read your updates. I'm really sorry, I certainly don't have any wise words but I really hope you're feeling better soon.
My current probably soon to be ex ended it once. He said he wanted to move in with me and we'd give it a trial after we came back off holiday. He appeared to have moved in, he didn't go home for two weeks. Then one morning I got up to find he'd taken all his things and left while I was still asleep. He wanted to get back together after a few days saying he couldn't live there as the travel to work was too much but he didn't know how to tell me. Fool that I am I took him back. He's also ended it by text many times, or often says he needs space which then turns into weeks, then often says he's made a mistake and can't live without me after all.
When I left my ex I took all of my stuff while he was at work and my family came and helped. I had no other option though as I was heavily pregnant and he could be violent. That wasn't a nice thing to do but I felt I had no choice as I'm sure if I'd gone while he was there I'd have had to leave with nothing and possibly put myself at risk.
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