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Dh asked me to wait up

(126 Posts)
Kingcyrolophosarus Tue 06-Nov-12 23:40:07

because he's not organised for a business trip tomorrow?!!
It's a day trip, not exactly sure how I can help?
He knows I'm feeling shit and had massive headache

I actually went to sleep with DS at 8, feel a bit better now

Kingcyrolophosarus Tue 06-Nov-12 23:41:24

And obviously he's still out
Out for a desk night out, he'll probably be pissed

AThingInYourLife Tue 06-Nov-12 23:46:04

Jesus, go to bed.

Why the fuck should you wait in for him to get in from a night out so you can organise him for a business trip.

You're not his ma.

chinley Tue 06-Nov-12 23:56:58

My DH does stuff like this all the time. He knew I had to be up at 7am this morning, yet he was purposely being disruptive in bed, standing on my pillow, making stupid noises etc., until 2:30am, I finally got to sleep at 3am.

It's sleep deprivation and fucking selfish.

Pisses me off.

He's not a baby, let him sort his own shit out. And if it was so fucking important, why is he out drinking instead of home getting prepared.

Fuck him. He's grown up enough to look after himself. You're not his mother, for goodness sake go to bed and let him deal with his own stuff.

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 01:43:23

He's just rolled in
Shouting and swearing, calling everyone and everything a cunt
Charming

Trazzletoes Wed 07-Nov-12 01:48:20

Sounds like a right charmer. I can't believe he wanted you to wait up til 1am to sort his stuff out for him so he could be off getting hammered! Echoing all the sentiments above. Sheesh... Hope you are ok, OP.

JessicaLub Wed 07-Nov-12 01:50:19

King. He sounds like a nasty drunk.
I myself am drunk; but I wouldn't shout or swear and call the whole world a cunt.
And it is abuse.
Do you feel safe ?

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 01:54:48

He's asleep now, god knows how he is going to get up for his flight. But that's not my problem
My heart was in my mouth as he went past our bedroom door

I'm in with DS
Not scared, but anxious. Didn't want a row

Can't really live like this can I?

What a tit, just go to bed! How is his business trip your problem?

And chinley your DH is disruptive in bed and stands on your pillow when he knows you need to sleep confused How old is he? If it were me I'd tell him to fuck off to the sofa

AdoraBell Wed 07-Nov-12 01:57:58

Fuck that, I don't wait up unless there is a geniune medical emergency, one not caused by alcohol. Hope you're okay, and fast asleep by now.

No you can't. If he wasn't organised he should have come home at a reasonable hour, in a reasonable state and then maybe you could have given him a hand.
But to make you stay up then come home drunk and shouting, I'd tell him to go on his business trip and not come home until he thinks about how much of a twat and how disrespectful he is

AdoraBell Wed 07-Nov-12 02:01:23

No, King you shouldn't be living like this. Can you talk to him when he's sober?

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 02:07:39

Yes, I'll talk to him when he's sober
But I know how it will go- "give me a break, I'm really stressed right now, can't I just blow off some steam"

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 02:10:23

I didn't actually wait up, I went to bed at 8 with DS, then woke up at 11.30, now wide awake. Worrying

He will more than likely sleep in and miss flight tomorrow if I don't wake him up
I think he's supposed to leave at 5/6am

I know it's his problem, but would cause all sorts of shit at work

No, King, you can't live like this.

Have you thought what you want to do?

X-Posted.

But what about all the shit that you put up with?

JessicaLub Wed 07-Nov-12 02:17:50

King. This is no life, is it ?
You need to vote with your feet; go anywhere/somewhere.

AdoraBell Wed 07-Nov-12 02:21:38

What I meant was can you have an adult conversation when he's sober? Seems not though. Have you ever told him to find another way of "blowing off steam" maybe without alcohol? My OH has a stressful job, as do a lot of people, but not everyone expects someone else to wait up and then rolls in drunk and aggressive, even if it is only verbal.

It's not blowing off steam if he's being aggressive and potentially risking his job by (more than likely) not getting up for his flight

sparkleyangel Wed 07-Nov-12 02:25:35

and you will most likely wake him up like the good little wifey so it doesn't cause all sorts of shit at work wont you? Just to keep the peace.

Don't mean to be horrible but GET A GRIP let the sod take responsibility of his own drunken actions, might give him the kick up the arse he needs. He has no right to be treating you or your ds like this.

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 02:25:56

He is out a lot, drinks a fair bit, but this is unusual

He was wasted, incoherent, mumbling, ranting
I think he phoned a few friends in the US,rambling.

Jessica, I dont have anywhere to go.
I'm miles away from family.
And I have no funds

JessicaLub Wed 07-Nov-12 02:27:12

I'm blowing off steam, very drunk.
I wouldn't dream of abusing my family.

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 02:27:26

I'm not going to wake him tomorrow Sparkley, I swear

He was sober when he chose not to organise his business trip.
He was sober when he asked you to wait up.
And I'd presume he was sober when he made sure you had no funds.

Alcohol is not the problem here. sad

sparkleyangel Wed 07-Nov-12 02:31:18

You don't need to go anywhere, tell him to leave then claim benefits and maintenance. There's plenty of help out there for people like you if you want it.

sparkleyangel Wed 07-Nov-12 02:35:50

I was in your position ten years ago but I did it and there was a lot less help around then than there is now. Thinking of you I know what your going through.

JessicaLub Wed 07-Nov-12 02:40:03

I disagree sparkley. Kingneeds to remove herself and her Son out of the cunt calling environment.
She can sort the practicalities later.

ripsishere Wed 07-Nov-12 03:04:19

I would post in relationships IIWY OP.
I do have to say though, if my DH came home pissed and called us counts he wouldn't be my DH for much longer.
Depending on how long he is away for, I would use that time for making plans. Plans that didn't include him.
Good luck.

ripsishere Wed 07-Nov-12 03:04:57

Not that he would call us counts. This fucking computer has a swear word deleter I'm sure. Cunts.

AdoraBell Wed 07-Nov-12 03:10:40

In the short term can you start squirrelling some money away, or does he control the finances completely? Do family/friend's know about the problems at all? When you say no family near, are you within driving/train ride distance?

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 06:27:44

Well it looks like he's missed the flight

What mood is he likely to be in when he wakes up and is he likely to take it out on you?
Take ds and go somewhere for the day?

akaemmafrost Wed 07-Nov-12 06:41:04

I'd have got him up just to get rid of him on the business trip.

I'd have used the time he was away to find out about benefits etc and start getting organised. What a twat he sounds.

ENormaSnob Wed 07-Nov-12 06:41:32

Not an appropriate environment for a child living with a nasty drunk.

GeordieCherry Wed 07-Nov-12 07:05:08

If he misses the flight he gets to see the consequences of his actions. His behaviour is not your responsibility. Well done for not waking him up smile

Google Al-Anon, they're there to support those who are affected by other people's drinking. They're amazing! Good luck

ZillionChocolate Wed 07-Nov-12 07:07:51

Hope you're alright today King. I might consider going out for the morning rather than deal with a hungover and pissed off DH.

KateByChristmas Wed 07-Nov-12 07:11:07

Just read this hope you're ok - go out for a coffee this morning take no part in the fall out of this he's a big boy he can clean up the mess.

Trazzletoes Wed 07-Nov-12 07:13:25

Definitely get out this morning. Will he blame you for not getting him up? (not that this is in any way your fault...).

AllOverIt Wed 07-Nov-12 07:17:01

Hope you're okay sad

Longdistance Wed 07-Nov-12 07:18:41

Going out on a school night. Tut, tut!

His own bloody fault. Hope you're ok op, and he hasn't blamed you after his c word tirade.

Honestly, what a knob jockey!

redexpat Wed 07-Nov-12 08:11:23

Are you ok?

Are you ok?

valiumredhead Wed 07-Nov-12 08:20:07

I would take the LO out and spend the morning away from home so you aren't in the firing line.

It's HIS responsibility to sort out work arrangements, not yours - if my dh asked me to pack for him and wait up and wake him for a flight, I would laugh at him!

Hope you are ok x

whois Wed 07-Nov-12 08:22:51

Oh defo go out for the day!

Seriously he sounds like a total looser.

Why do you have no money? Can you get access to some?

Do you have any friends who can help you?

OldBagWantsNewBag Wed 07-Nov-12 08:31:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay Wed 07-Nov-12 08:49:17

This is the same charmer who gets off on ruining your son's birthday year after year? He's not exactly making it up to you is he? He clearly likes to be centre of attention and keep you on your toes. Leave him to it this morning, otherwise you will be in the firing line.

Hope you're OK and find the strength to get rid of this horrible man.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Wed 07-Nov-12 08:58:42

Hope you're alright OP.

samandi Wed 07-Nov-12 09:00:28

And his redeeming features are ... ?

My DH does stuff like this all the time. He knew I had to be up at 7am this morning, yet he was purposely being disruptive in bed, standing on my pillow, making stupid noises etc., until 2:30am, I finally got to sleep at 3am.

Er, what? You do know that this is not normal behaviour for a grown adult?

Is everything ok OP?

coocoocachoo Wed 07-Nov-12 09:15:24

Hope all is OK OP, sounds like a bloody awful situation though. Does this happen often??

If you need some sort of yardstick for how other DWs/DPs might react to this sort of behaviour, I am happy to confirm that I would probably tear my DH a new one!

If this is normal behaviour, not only does it not create a loving and stable home environment but isn't very professional and may be putting his career at risk? On both counts, he is definitely being a twunt.

FWIW, if I behaved like that, DH would also have no issues pulling me up on it and telling me that this is not an appropriate way to behave.

Sounds like there may be deeper issues here than one request to stay up late because your DH has lost the plot. Really hope you get the support and help you need. This lovely lot on here will have lots of helpful advice and RL experiences as I'm sure you know - just ask.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 09:17:46

Op when I want to blow off some steam I go for a walk, go to the gym, maybe even book a Travellodge (pre-arranged with DH of course) and get pissed near work with a mate. I do not try and force someone else to pick up the slack for me and I definitely don't come home swearing.

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 09:21:16

I'm ok
He got a later plane
Will come back later

VolumeOfACone Wed 07-Nov-12 09:21:24

Hope you are Ok OP.

Cocktailsorcakes Wed 07-Nov-12 09:22:35

Another one wondering if you are ok king.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Wed 07-Nov-12 09:36:43

Glad you're alright.

It sounds like he needs some serious help. It is not normal behaviour to treat your family like that, nor to put your job at risk in that way. If he refuses to talk about it then it might be best to get yourself and your DC out of harm's way but I would be demanding that he sees his GP as soon as he's back from this trip.

CleansLate Wed 07-Nov-12 09:46:34

King

Is there any chance at all it might be drugs? My XP worked in 'the city', in finance, v highpowered stuff though he was on the periphery. He started hanging out with the sales team more and started acting terribly - drinking until he pissed himself once, aggressive and family life was too much trouble, I was so boring why would he want to come home etc.

Turns out that as well as drinking way more to 'be one of the lads' he was also sharing their drugs.

I don't know if it was the drugs or that he'd decided he was too big and important to waste his time being a decent partner/father but it's something to think about when behaviour changes etc. I would never have thought of his colleagues (40s suburban businessmen), as the type to take drugs but they were.

fluffyraggies Wed 07-Nov-12 09:49:01

Ask for this to go into Relationships OP smile

I hope you come back to your thread.

I'm glad he caught a flight. Gives you some space.

This is a big deal sad (hug)

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 10:42:07

sorry, I had to take ds to school and then take the car to the garage

so, he wakes up, realises he is too late and starts yelling that he needs me

he was definitely still drunk, doesn't remember anything about last night

had the audacity to say he wasn't that drunk

I didn't argue or speak much
I looked up later flights and told him to go to the airport

He asked me to phone in sick for him. I refused
He said if he missed this meeting his job was on the line

He got to the airport and paid for the next flight

Then he said sorry and thank you

then I told him about his behaviour the night before( he conveniently doesn't remember)

now I have told him not to text me

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 10:44:28

he had done this once before, very nearly missed a flight

he has woken up late a couple of times, ranting

every single business trip he has, he gets into a huge flap and needs my help.

he has a very big job, he's also extremely good at it. But he hates the pressure

He is about to crack up I think, but then I have been saying that for a while

chinley Wed 07-Nov-12 10:52:49

<sigh> Yes, my DH is a selfish attention seeker, but that's another thread entirely...

OP, he sounds similar to mine in a way and it's an extremely selfish, inconsiderate, immature and just plain cruel way to treat your partner. Can you make him see that or would he just brush it off, claiming amnesia? It's not a nice way to live and I always wonder how they'd react if the roles were reversed.

chinley Wed 07-Nov-12 10:54:12

And did you ask him why he was out till 2am drinking, the night before an important flight/meeting?

OneMoreChap Wed 07-Nov-12 11:05:01

I was taught by my father that you can party as hard as you like, drink as much as you want to... but you have to be in work clear eyed, and ready to function a good 20 minutes earlier than normal.

It's your job to get to your job; not your parents, partner or kids to get you there.

End of, basically.

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 11:10:39

onemorechap- that's very much his ethos, and that's what he has been able to do.
In fact, he's gotten away with it this morning, because the client will never know

I am just teaching DS that it's up to him to remember where he put his toys, his responsibility to remember his bookbag
Why the fuck a 40 year old can't do it, I don't know

GeordieCherry Wed 07-Nov-12 11:16:12

Don't tell him what he said/ did. It gives him an 'out' of justifying "it's not that bad"

Just keep quiet & let him have that horrible feeling. He's more likely to take action to fix it if he can't say "it's not that bad"

Maybe he needs his rock bottom, maybe he needs to lose his job or you

Sorry if this sounds too harsh but I (& my sober ex P) are proof that tough love works smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 11:59:44

Don't ever phone in sick for him. If I had someone's spouse phone in sick rather than them (short of them actually being hospitalised or something) then I would not believe them. I think I've read on here that some workplaces don't allow it at all.

Glad you got a bit of an apology. I do get in a bit of a flap about travelling and packing so DH tends to take the kids out and stay out of my grumpy way whilst I pack, but I don't exacerbate it by getting blind drunk the day before!

imnotmymum Wed 07-Nov-12 12:05:19

How is your day today OP?

AThingInYourLife Wed 07-Nov-12 12:24:20

"I was taught by my father that you can party as hard as you like, drink as much as you want to... but you have to be in work clear eyed, and ready to function a good 20 minutes earlier than normal."

<eyes OneMore suspiciously>

Are you my brother?

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 12:38:33

chinley- I did think standing on your pillow was a bit much. Even my DH wouldn't be that much of an idiot!

DoctrineofSnatch- I couldn't lie for him. He did want me to say he was in hospital

cleanslate- Drugs have been banned, there has been an issue in the past

Imnotmymum- My day?
Well apart from the 3 hours sleep, DS wet the bed sad probably something to do with my tossing and turning. I walked into the chest of drawers and really banged my knee. I fell over the washing and twisted my poorly knee and bent my toe back

I had to wait in the garage for half an hour. But they have given me a lovely Audi A1 as a courtesy car
And I have just had a telephone interview, which reminded me that I am a very smart and capable woman
Fingers crossed I get 2nd interview

imnotmymum Wed 07-Nov-12 13:06:29

congratulations!! (on the interview other stuff) You do have my sympathy really you do but I did let out a little giggle at your series of unfortunate events so am sending thanks to apologise for my immature sense of humour .

tzella Wed 07-Nov-12 14:29:51

This is the chap who has ruined every single one of your DS's five birthdays?

He's not a nice man at all. He drinks far too much. Perhaps this addressing?

tzella Wed 07-Nov-12 14:30:15

*needs addressing

Floggingmolly Wed 07-Nov-12 15:01:53

Chinley. grin. Standing on your pillow making stupid noises until 2.30am shock. I laughed reading that but bloody hell, he sounds about three, how did you not kill him?

AnyFucker Wed 07-Nov-12 15:27:29

the woman whose husband "stands on her pillow"...

is your head on it at the time ?

how long before he "accidentally" stands on your head ?

why is he making an effort to climb onto the bed to actually stand on a pillow ?

I would ask "is he 3yo" but a 3yo has an excuse. Your husband simply sounds like he is once "step" away from domestic violence, and absolutely like the most sinister kind of fucker.

Does he ever block your way, step on your feet, barge past you in a doorway, "playfight" a bit too hard, drop things in your lap ?

AnyFucker Wed 07-Nov-12 15:27:53

one step

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 16:26:25

So I talked to him
I'm conscious of him being hungover so will discuss it properly again
But basically said it's not acceptable for him to behave like that, he's almost on self destruct.

I'm not listening to any excuses or him saying it's all because he's stressed about money. I'm just not listening or helpIng anymore
I will go back to the GP with him
We are due some funds soon, I said every penny had to be
accounted for, nothing wasted.
I need to take control of that and make sure that we have reserves so he's not panicking

I talked about the effect he is having on DS
There was a scene in Hook, where the boy(who's father ignores him) smashes his fathers watch and says "that's for not letting ne blow bubbles in my chocolate milk"
That is the type of father he is going to be if he doesn't change
He asked about us and I said I don't know. DS is more important than us

Hopefully I've given him a lot to think about
But he's still feeling sorry for himself, whilst being v apologetic

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Wed 07-Nov-12 16:28:21

That sounds very positive OP, well done for putting your foot down. I really hope he wakes up and realises how much he has to lose, and that you can work this out together.

Numberlock Wed 07-Nov-12 16:31:42

What time is he due back? Today would have been an ideal opportunity for him to come back to his stuff bagged up on the lawn and the locks changed if he'd been my partner.

Kingcyrolophosarus Wed 07-Nov-12 17:06:51

Should be back about 9

PropositionJoe Wed 07-Nov-12 17:09:48

Yes yes but "leave the bastard" isn't always the answer.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 17:12:54

Well done OP. can't believe he wanted you to lie and say he was in hospital, glad you didn't. GP sounds like a good idea.

And fingers crossed about your interview!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 17:15:21

Chinley are you OK?

chinley Wed 07-Nov-12 20:02:36

Yeah I'm fine, I'm used to it. This thread just wound me up because I could relate and that kind of selfishness really gets under my skin.

AnyFucker Wed 07-Nov-12 20:11:57

I am really sorry you are living with such a horrible man, chinley

chinley Wed 07-Nov-12 20:12:05

anyfucker, he was standing on it to try to reach something and yes my (sleeping, as far as he knew) head was on it at the time. And when that didn't work he started making stupid exclaimations like 'oh gosh!'. I didn't react because that's exactly what he wanted; attention, and no fucking way was I going to give it to him. If he's awake he likes me to be awake, even though I usually have to be up early and he gets up whenever the hell he feels like it. I don't normally get to sleep until about 2am because of this. No wonder I'm always fucking knackered.

OP sorry for derailing. I'm glad you had a talk with him and he appears to have listened. I always wonder what they would do if the roles were reversed. Can you imagine rolling home drunk in the early hours, waking him up and demanding he help you prepare for your flight??

AnyFucker Wed 07-Nov-12 20:17:10

sleep deprivation is a well-recognised form of torture sad

hildebrandisgettinghappier Wed 07-Nov-12 20:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kingcyrolophosarus Thu 08-Nov-12 18:32:37

I cannot deal with him anymore
He's just been given his bonus figure
It's good, considering the current economic climate
He's still moaning
I can't bear it
I put the phone down on him

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 08-Nov-12 18:41:07

King, sorry it's come to this. Has he always moaned abotu everyting?

Kingcyrolophosarus Thu 08-Nov-12 18:51:36

I think the moaning has increased in line with the increase in his sense of entitlement
He can't see straight
His ability to put things into perspective has gone

why stay with him if you are not happy, every relationship has good and bad times but it sounds like you are in the bad and have been for some time now. try a seperation period first - if nothing else it will prove to yourself that you can cope without him and might possibly get him to grow up if he has no-one to rely on.

Kingcyrolophosarus Thu 08-Nov-12 19:01:47

He's now crying because his fax machine isn't working

JustFabulous Thu 08-Nov-12 19:14:14

FFS he needs to really grow up, doesn't he?

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Nov-12 19:17:18

To all of you women who are putting up with this absolute shit from someone who is supposed to love you and care for you and cherish you - try living alone. It's so peaceful and you can do whatever you want.

OnwardBound Thu 08-Nov-12 20:00:43

I think he sounds depressed. And absolutely on self destruct.

That's not to excuse his behaviour at all but it maybe makes it a little more understandable? The alcohol will be making his depression worse I suspect.

That said, OP you cannot make life or the world better for him. He needs to recognise that he needs help and seek it. He needs to want to change.

In your position I would probably lay this on the line with him. That he needs to see his GP, he needs to get their support and agree to regularly see a specialist counsellor as well.

Your DH really needs to comprehend the effect his moods and drinking are having on you, the relationship and ultimately your DS as well.

His behaviour is not acceptable in any way and it needs to change.

However if he cannot or won't see this OP you may have to instigate a separation to protect your own emotional health and definitely that of your son.

Your GP may be able to refer you for some counselling support as well.
Otherwise Al-Anon are also an excellent organisation supporting family members who are affected by someone's drinking.

I hope your DH can turn things around but that is up to him and you don't deserve being treated like this sad

AnyFucker Thu 08-Nov-12 20:22:45

My father was like this inadequate twat all through my childhood

he is in his 60's now

he would still "cry" (with temper) if his fax machine wasn't working

it's pathetic behaviour in a grown man

to cal, it toddler behaviour would be to insult toddlers

Kingcyrolophosarus Thu 08-Nov-12 23:22:52

He really needs to pull himself together and grow up

I've scanned the bloody documents for him
And emailed them
Took 5 minutes

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 00:32:20

He probably won't grow up while you're behind him picking up the pieces though king, sorry to say.

AnyFucker Fri 09-Nov-12 07:30:01

Why does he need to grow up ?

You keep clearing up after all his little tantrums like a dutiful mummy

OnwardBound Fri 09-Nov-12 08:06:42

The thing is King that you also have ingrained patterns of behaviour here.

It might be very difficult for you to stop doing for your DH because you are afraid of the repurcussions to you, him and the family if you do, ie he might lose his job, you might as a family struggle financially if this happens, DH might slip further into infantile rage and depression...

But I also wonder if you are getting a payback on some level for dealing with your DHs weakness and incompetence? A boost to your own self esteem when you are shown to be the one for whom things are easy to achieve and solve? Especially as you are the one who has to sweep in and clear up DHs mess...

I am not saying this to criticise you but just to point out there may be other factors at play in your couple relationship dynamic. And that although you are saddened and frustrated by your DHs attitude and behaviour you may also get some good feelings out of being the competent sensible one. So you take control of the situation by clearing up after DH and he then doesn't ever really face the consequences of his actions... and this pattern plays out again and again...

Your DH absolutely needs to deal with his drinking and anger issues. This may require individual support via GP and/or a counsellor.

But perhaps relationship therapy might also be helpful in terms of both of you being able to disentangle old patterns of behaviour and look at how both of you can make changes in how you relate to each other. Which may ultimately benefit your couple relationship for the long term [and parenting relationship too]

But good luck OP. I know you are at your wits end with all of this and it has been a very difficult and distressing time for you sad

Please stop enabling him. You are allowing him to be like this because you take all the responsibility so he doesn't need to. It's hard to watch them fall, but maybe he needs to, in order to become stronger. I do hope you're okay OP, stay strong for yourself and your DS.

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 09:41:40

I get what you are saying about enabling him but what am I supposed to do?
In this instance there was a large amount of money at stake for us as a family
If this document hadn't have been on a certain desk there would have been massive financial implications, and we desperately need the money

He has never used the copier/scanner in our house so it was easier for me to do it
Yes, maybe there's an argument that he should know how to use it, but the way the division of labour is in our household, is these type of things are my job.
He works 80/90 hours a week, with international travel on top of that
Really all I do is make sure his shirts are dry cleaned and make his dinner.
Am I supposed to stop doing that stuff to teach him a lesson?
Or maybe I'm supposed to give him physical and emotional support

We have had relationship counselling, it was good simply because it made him realise how unreasonable he is

He has had personal counselling, most recently 5 sessions of cbt.
I don't think 5 sessions scratched the surface

He has been to the GP at my insistence(he knows it's necessary)
He has been given anti depressants, but again not scratching the surface, v low dose
He is going back next week to discuss increasing the dosage

I'm having counselling myself now

The suggestion that I am getting some sort of self esteem boost or payback is quite offensive, but I can see how it looks like that
I don't play games like that, consciously or otherwise
Yes, there's a certain satisfaction in saying "there, see how easy it is"
But it's not part of our relationship dynamic

It's really difficult to explain everything in detail on here

And please don't think that I am now defending him
I'm just addressing some questions

His behaviour is unacceptable, full stop.
There are some valid reasons for it, but a large part is down to his selfishness and generally being a cunt

The big question is where does support become enabling
How much is a wife supposed to do in the name of marriage?

I think I've done as much as can be expected, and this is the end of the line.
No more chances

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 09-Nov-12 10:25:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 10:48:10

Hilde- I said it's not part of our relationship dynamic
I sorted a problem for him, I dont do everything for him
I didn't wake him up do he wouldn't miss his flight

And what, I contrive these situations so I can feel good?!
Bollocks

I can and have raised all of these issues 'in a healthy way' over the last couple of days
He accepts everything I say, and will do everything I have asked

But I can't help him with how stressed he gets in the moment
When he's crying on the phone because he cant find a fax machine, what can I do?
I put the phone down on him

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 09-Nov-12 10:57:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My first thought was "stop rescuing him..." but if your whole family's security is tied into his job at the moment then it is hard not to step in just to keep everything afloat.

My thoughts would be
1) Get the finances sorted so you can see how much of a cushion you have and how much you need.

2) Keep working on get a job yourself so there is an alternative source of income and additionally so he can't always expect you to be available to pick up the pieces.

3) When the family is less reliant on him a sole earner then see if you can get him to take his foot off the gas a bit because he sounds like he could be working himself into a nervous breakdown.

4) If he won't calm down out of choice then "stop rescuing him..."

OnwardBound Fri 09-Nov-12 11:09:33

No, you don't contrive these situations but rather that something keeps you doing what you're doing...

Obviously you care about your DH and you want to help him, you also don't want him to lose his job or put the family in financial difficulty.

But what we are saying is that you may also need to look at the certain satisfaction you feel when you can show DH just how easy something is...
It may be a little piece of the puzzle that explains what also keeps you in this particular situation/dynamic?

But I accept what do we know, we are all just anonymous strangers on the internet and we don't know you or your personal circumstances.

But perhaps the feeling of satisfaction you could explore with your therapist instead?

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 11:12:48

Hilde- sorry for getting arsey, I'm very frustrated!

I think I'm objecting to the idea that he is this way because I do everything for him, or I am there to pick up the pieces

It's not that, there is way more to this situation that him relying on me.
Trust me, I am not getting a positive from doing the things that he can't do right now. I would much rather he was capable himself

I know what if feels like when you are faced with something that you just don't feel that you can cope with. That's where he is at now.

KateByChristmas Fri 09-Nov-12 11:17:03

OP I really think your DH behaviour is out of order and obviously needs addressing, but some of the things you have mentioned i think could be down to stress, it's real and can be very destructive (I'm not condoning his behaviour, just saying this could be at the root?).

He seems to rely on you a lot, maybe he needs a PA? Like I say not sticking up for him but it just jumps out at me that he seems to have too much on his plate and its being taken out on you - so as family is a priority over work he needs to recognise this and make changes to ease the pressure on himself and then on turn hopefully the crappy way you are being treated.

I say find some calm time when you can both sit down - maybe away from the house like in a coffee shop where you can't shout at each other, and talk through the problems and find a solution.

Do you feel deep down appreciated by him?

Hope that makes sense hmm

KateByChristmas Fri 09-Nov-12 11:19:27

Just read your 11:12 post .... I really think he is suffering from stress and he needs to act on it - have an un MN hug smile

pictish Fri 09-Nov-12 11:20:19

No. No - I'm not having that the OP contrives anything. She does not read like a co-dependent to me at ALL.

This has come about through habit and avoidance.

OP - I'm with you. This has got to stop. It's no good at all. He has behaved abysmally yet rather than being genuinely contrite, he turns it all around to focus on how sad he is, and how much he needs your help. I'm so glad you see through it. You are right.

And no - I'm not going to wag my finger at you stepping in there. It is evident from your tone that you see right through him and are unimpressed to say the least.
Your actions were because you are a practical, capable person who is compelled to avert disaster. You're not enabling him, but make sure it's the last time you ever have to step in. It's not your job.

It's amazing when you get that clarity. I've been there. You are right. Now - let him know the game is well and truly up.

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 11:21:43

no, onwardbound, sorry, that's not it.

I think this "feeling of satisfaction" has been blown out of proportion a bit.
It really doesn't happen that often!

I desperately want a husband that is capable. One of the things I was first attracted to was his strength and confidence.
I desperately want a husband that can have fun with his son
My role should not be to make him into this person, or to show him how easy it is for me. Or to take satisfaction from showing him I can do it.

I do agree that there are things that I need to look at with my counsellor.
And from one session, I think that's the way things will go.
There is definitely an unexplained reason/need for me to stay. I should have left a long time ago

Chazs- yes, I think that's the general plan
However, it's not going to change overnight, and I have to be able to get through the next few inevitable hiccups

thanks all for talking this through with me

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 11:23:22

few x-posts there

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 11:34:04

A PA would be a good plan, unfortunately there are other politics going on at work with head count

No, I don't feel appreciated Kate.
I have told him that. He tries. Actually he has taken that on board, and does try to do some stuff, but sighing and muttering when the bin bag is full and then taking it out, is not quite the same as taking it out without complaint.
Anyway, it's not the practical things, it's really that he doesn't consider me as much as I would like.
E.g, he forgets to ask how my migraine was, or forgets to ask how I got on at the doctors.
But then he is very occupied with work.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 09-Nov-12 11:34:30

King I can see why you did what you did. I'm glad you are going to talk to counsellor and that he is going back to the GP. Has he been on ADs before this course?

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 11:40:03

This is first time for ADs.
He was so scared about taking them, that gp said he would give a really low dose, and I think it's a bit too low

OnwardBound Fri 09-Nov-12 11:42:35

Please don't feel I was trying to get at you by saying what I said King. I really didn't mean it to sound as if I thought you were contriving or manipulating the situation.

Rather was just pointing out that we need to take an honest look at ourselves and our own feelings as well as our partner and try to understand our part in the relationship dilemma [I know, I've been there and worn the t-shirt!].

But I appreciate I overthought your comment about feeling satisfaction.

I wish you all the best King and I really do get how frustrating and upsetting all this is for you.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 09-Nov-12 11:45:06

I'm no way condoning his behaviour but if I had to work 80 hours a week I'd probably be crying at the fax machine.

Is there no way he could cut back on hours? Change jobs?

Sounds like he's about to crack.

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 12:01:45

no worries, Onwardbound
I know there's something I'm missing wrt my own feelings and why I'm still here.
But maybe that's the whole thing, I should stop trying to understand it.

Clippedphoenix- a lot of the hours are because he is a perfectionist, some is the pressure of a bonus, some is because he has a new boss and has to prove himself. There are also thousands out there waiting to walk into his job.
A lot is pressure because he is the main earner, but we have discussed this over and over. We have financial problems because he has a huge tax bill, which obviously worries him. He is dealing with a lot, that's undeniable

I have been looking for a job for a long time

He needs to look for another job, but there is something to be said for "better the devil you know"

ClippedPhoenix Fri 09-Nov-12 12:18:59

I don't understand OP to be honest.

You seem to be going round in circles and "better the devil you know" is obviously a main issue.

Why does he have such a huge tax bill?

CinnabarRed Fri 09-Nov-12 12:28:43

Most employees don't have huge tax bills because the vast majority of their tax is accounted for via PAYE. (Sweeping generalisation and of course your DH might not be an employee at all, but a partner or a self-employed contractor, etc.)

His tax position may be more manageable than he thinks, depending on how the tax bill arose. (And I don't mean by entering into tax avoidance or anything like that. I mean by getting proper advice from a qualified tax adviser).

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 12:29:17

There's a lot to be said for being the expert on your desk rather than a new fish in a big pond, especially in a 'last in, first out' environment

He hadnt completed a self assessment tax return, tax code all wrong, paye all wrong.

CinnabarRed Fri 09-Nov-12 12:30:18

Then HMRC may be at least partially to blame and willing to negotiate.

CinnabarRed Fri 09-Nov-12 12:31:03

I do have some experience of this, BTW. I'm not just talking out of my arse!

Kingcyrolophosarus Fri 09-Nov-12 12:31:06

He has an accountant sorting it out now

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 09-Nov-12 18:38:29

Hallo We are moving this thread to relationships
Thanks
MNHQ

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