Mumsnet Talk

Hello I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, aka Gerald. It's a lovely place for drinkers, non-drinkers, wobblers and thinkers...... we're a really mixed bunch who all have one thing in common, alcohol.

Whether that be past or present, it can always be our future due to the nature of the beast.

Everyone can join this thread, the support is unconditional. And it is here for anyone who wants it, now or in a little while, there's always a spare seat or three!

Why not take a look at the journeys so far at the link below, it'll take you back through the last two (plus) years, and also I've posted a link to the very first thread....... the reason that we are all on the Bus in the first place

PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

boo!

Oh blimey. Posted on the wrong bloody thread again!
Er.... Again.

Ah - Ahem. Hi all. Its me. Blanket.
Im just stopping in to doff my cap to Jesus, Mouse, Venus, Isindie, SAF and I cant believe my eyes to see MIFLAW here! We called and called for you! And you came.
You are all so brilliant to keep on keeping on.
Is SarahRT here?
Im drinking. But Im ok. Im just ok. Good ok. But ok is ok for now - right? If that makes sense.
Hi to all. Im just bagging a seat in the side car for toinght - if thats ok with you all?
Hugs.
x

Just reserving my seat

green oi! you're sitting in my seat!

Skidding through Gerald on my way somewhere, ds convinced me to get an android and I have no idea what I am doing with the swype key thing, so reverted to old methods, until he can show the old bag his dm what's up with it.

Blankie!! I wondered about you, glad you are ok, think there is a surge at the moment of black dog days though or should that be black cat with Halloween?

Recovery or stopping drinking for a while doesn't really make you a new person, just gives you the old one back that seemed have got addled ages ago. Coping with the inner child is a bit testing at times too, and yes, I have often wanted to just bugger off with someone who would scoop me up and look after me. But when I think about it, it would be great for a couple of weeks, then I would really hate it. Too headstrong and long in the tooth and I would get bored. My low boredom threshold I think got me into the booze fest in the first place, or at least was part of it. My excuses were endless really. Any road up, I have to whizz, Silver you super star!! xx

Sorry Joey, I;ll budge up - Sarah yes all so true and BOREDOM major issue I feel like shouting BORED BORED BORED BORED from the rooftops at the moment - yes my inner child, my three year old is always bored too I have ADHD which just adds into the mix - very high prevalence of alcohol and substance abuse in ADHD adults - We're impulsive, stimulant seeking, looking for a dopamine hit - big problems with self regulation - anyway we all have our excuses reasons - better to think about the reasons for NOT doing it and focus on those I think .

So green what else gives you that high? I went to a drumming workshop a couple of years ago. Bloody hell that was great - big noise, lots of concentration, physical activity, and some kind of deep pleasure. There must be other things like that that give a big endorphin / dopamine hit?

Yeah! I filled the old thread

Thanks Venus - surfing the internet is another good dopamine inducer - another of my bad and unproductive habits I have just been diagnosed and am working with a psyche to find a way forward - when I can afford it I'll get an ADHD coach to help me channel the good stuff (yes there is some, intuition, enthusiasm, creativity, empathy) and manage the bad stuff - I'm already putting some strategies in place at work but it is slow progress and I've not responded well to the meds they have given me, though I have started them again for some reason Great idea thank you I'll research dopamine inducing activities and try and pick out the healthy ones!! x

evening all.

hotch up in the sidecar ma

hope everyone is ok. i've been drinking beer for a couple of days. not vast amounts but enough to be 5 steps back from the world and myself itms.

Reserving my place. Can I sit up front please? I get bus-sick!

tinka that's my bloody trick - how dares ya

venus my lovely woman - sorry to hear the pressure is on, you will cope, and you will get through it - but who is supporting you

green - I can only tell you of my experience with the winebitch , of feeling so wretched all the fekin time and the contrasting way I feel now. i am no further on than anyone else, but my journey has been a veeeeeery long one, and I am still at the beginning of the next stage of it

thurso - you too, have been a true Babe for me.

Here's a head fuck for you all - search your own nickname on here and it will bring up everything you have posted in the past............

<thinks, they probably know that already, once again I am left trailing behind>

<lobs a lump of chedder at mouse - then ducks to avoid returning missile>

ma loves ya

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SAF walk away from the beer - you know it's that slippery slope and you also know why you are doing it to yourself.

Every day you slip further, will be double the work to get back to where you were.

And you know it, but that few beers will addle your head again.

I've been there so many times and the result is always the same.

But whatever you do - look after you and the hound and the boy x

Silva - Balls in a playful mood I just posted something controversial in AIBU - Scared now people could use all my previously outed mentalness against me!
Must name change if I post in there again!!

I've had a bad week too SAF. I've been drinking every 2 days or so. Last was on Sunday night.

It's making me feel shit, all the cravings, depression, hopelessness, all back like a slap in the gob with a wet fish.

Day 2 here & I can see how one bottle became several & how I've ended up feeling almost as bad as when I started.

And whereas I was almost ok with the concept of being a non drinker, I'm back feeling as though I don't want to give up.

So a massive backward step, a little over-confidence, thinking I was doing ok, being in control. Now I can see I'm not. But I'm not drinking today & I will try not to for the rest of the week too.

Wondered if you can relate to some of that?

(Naughty Green verrrry naughty! Poor (old) Carol!)

saf what has brought that on? You know your posts always sound so much better when you're not drinking, I think that you're one of the [people in whom it seems most obvious that being healthily sober is so, so much better for you.

new job worries? post about them
Money worries? post about them
Or call your AA pals
Please xx

Kotinka I can relate to all that you've written. I, too, have given up, got over-confident (smug, almost), thought I'd cracked it and not wanted to admit that, for me, limiting my alcohol intake is not an option. I always used to think that I could go back to moderate drinking. I can't. Every time I tried and failed, I slipped a bit further into hopelessness than the previous time. Self-loathing, depression and emotional pain caused my 'well, who the f**k cares anyway', 'what's the point', 'I'll give up tomorrow, what's one more day going to matter' and 'so what' thoughts. I was up to at least 2 bottles of wine a day and I really cannot go back there for so many reasons. I ended up scaring myself so much that, for the first time ever, I'm trying to stay off the wine for me - not for my children or my driving licence or for what other people think of my - but for me, because I deserve it.

You've done really well not drinking today. Build on that, you've done today, that's great. Don't give up giving up.

I'm not sure how I've got to day 12 but I can tell you that I will not and cannot relax my guard against alcohol. I'm not going to let the 'Smug Fairy' do for me again.

Good luck and sending emotional strength through the lines for you. x

Thanks purple (smile) I can feel it tingling through the keyboard ;-) Well done on 12 days, I did that once and I remember it felt pretty good, you start to see things like your skin improving, waking up feeling human, not licking your lips every time someone picks up a glass on tv.

I need to remember all that stuff. I'm back to spotty face & bum, lank hair & messed up sleep again.

Can you get yourself to the Doc's Kotinka?

Because I thought I'd done some damage to my heart (beating really fast, all the time!) I plucked up courage to make an appointment with the Doc for that day. She was great. I came away with Campral (works on the brain, reducing the cravings), sleeping tablets (short term for the crappy bit when you come off the booze) and another appointment for 2 weeks time (hand holding as well as blood results). Also blood test, an ECG and a referral to the Alcohol Services. I found it really difficult to go to the Doc's but felt soooo relieved once I had (blubbed for the full 20 mins!). I was treated with practicality and sympathy. For so long I avoided it because I didn't want it on my medical records but, in the end, worse could have happened and I may not have been at the Doc's voluntarily.

Know what you mean about skin looking bad etc. I'm looking much less tired now. My energy levels haven't returned totally but they have improved.

Good luck. Keep posting on here - it's really helped me.

venus thanks for filling up the last thread and making sure no-one got left behind. how are you doing now?

green i was so bored last week (my sister really watches some crap tv) i got a kindle fire - this explains why my spelling and punctuation have ggone to pot lately. its cool and i have downloaded some relaxation pocasts from the mental health foundation to listen. to.

well sainsburys was a close thing, weird it was such a strong craving earlier, and now its gone...

<<bags seat>>

hi mia, how ya doin?

Pretty shite, Joey, tbh. Thanks for asking. Glad you had a good holiday and sorry you're feeling a bit blue now you're back to the grind.

aww hun, you want to tell us about it? scuse the thpos

Hello bus babes, just taking a seat as was a bit wobbly today. Was doing some halloween shopping with my boys and the thought of rewarding myself with a drink (bottle of wine) after they've gorged themselves on sweets etc just seemed too attractive.
But I won't. I hope.
I still allow myself alcohol at the weekend but I'm actually finding the hangovers out weigh the pleasure. I no longer have my bottle and a half a day tolerance thankfully.

thanks all. yes venus i probably should post about my worries. i'm at the stage of 'if i don't think about them or talk about them then they don't exist'. in a way it's a good strategy because feeding fears doesn't tend to help me. then again if it's contributing to me drinking it's obviously not good.

will have a think and post later.

and thanks for the reminder of how much of a contrast there is in me sober/drinking. food for thought.

if i don't think about them or talk about them then they don't exist

but saf it doesn't really sound like that is quite happening because underneath your worries still are there, except maybe you're trying to deflect them by having a beer?

So where would that leave you? All the worries still there, plus all the shite stuff that comes with drinking.

I think you're better and stronger than that. Other people believe in you enough to give you a job - that doesn't happen by accident. I understand that you don't want to feed your fears, but sometimes tacking things in the clod and sober light of day helps to shine a light on them so you can see the real issue without the shadow.

Of course it should read tackling things, and cold rather than clod

ok.

for one thing i'm honestly mystified by them giving me this job. i don't know if i can do it. i don't even know where to start really. i'm going to show up on day one and do the HR stuff and have an hour or two with my line manager and then...? it's just me working out how to create something out of nothing. i knew that taking it on and it is part of the exciting/good/interesting aspects but also scary.

the other obvious thing is i haven't worked in a proper, formal job for over 5 years. as in having to be somewhere every day on time, on form, ready to deal with people and be professional. that in itself is bound to be daunting i guess as is wondering how i will cope with that and being a single mum and therefore all the other stuff that i need to stay on top of or things spiral to chaos.

on the other hand my life since getting the job feels pretty empty and i'm finding all the empty time hard to handle so i know i do need to move on and branch out and start my life rolling again so it IS good that the job is coming.

all of the worries are fairly rational and normal i think and there is not much i can do to assauge them other than get on and see iyswim. the emptiness bit is just a waiting game.

the drinking - i am noticing a pattern of it being when pms hits hard and in my own skin feels unbearable. so that too will pass when my period comes and things will be better, more manageable etc.

so really there's not a great deal i can do. i want to get my period, stop drinking, get through half term and ds back at school and then i'll have 2 weeks till i start work in which to get on top of the house as much as possible, have everything smooth running, see someone at the job centre to sort out coming off of benefits and what i'm entitled to in transition etc.

see there's nothing really is there? other than obvious self esteem stuff about working but i don't think self esteem comes from bigging ourselves up or chanting affirmations - it comes from achieving things and doing stuff so hopefully that will come.

long sorry.

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Saf - it IS a big thing, this transition. You've been out of work for a number of years now and to suddenly change from that to being needed by others, required to perform as such is daunting. Your life is about to change and you know that, you're a smart cookie and knew that this might happen I'm guessing.

The job centre should (I hope) really help you to cross over smoothly from the benefits you have now, to what you'll get once you start to work.

Have you had a look on DWP website? HERE to give you an idea of what might happen re working tax and child tax credits? Sorry if you have already

I remember being scared to death leaving DD to go into full-time work after it just being us for so long. Well, 6 years of just us. I had to make sure I'd covered all bases, breakfast and after school clubs, benefits, letting school know new contact numbers and silly little things I knew nothing about but I have to say that the job centre staff were fantastic and really did help.

I even managed to get help with the cost of buying a suit so I looked the part!

Keep posting, every time you wobble, worry, think of something else, just post. We're all here for you, it can't be easy for you and as you say, you know you'll feel better once your period arrives too. Maybe sit and make a list of all the things you're worrying about, cross them off as you deal with them?

Hope that helps a bit? xx

Morning all.

I will NOT be drinking today.

SAF - it sounds like you're having a confidence wobble. You CAN do this or you wouldn't have won the job. If there's any way I can help, maybe ideas or something, shout up.

Hi everyone, I went to my 3rd AA meeting yesterday, I cried all the way through the first two meetings and all the way home in the car,it was exhausting, was so so hard to walk through the door, but I'm so glad I did it. Hearing people talk about things that ring so true to me is heart wrenching,
I'ts early days but I've made such a big step last week, I have been thinking about going to AA for about a year, so to anyone else thinking about it, please just go x

Saf - also, are you worried about DS? Is it school hours or will he have to go into after/before school clubs/care?

I found it all so hard at first but as Koti said, they gave YOU the job because they want YOU to do it and believe that you can. It's a shit employment market out there currently, after seeing all of the applicants, YOU are the one they chose.

So what if you don't get it 100% right on your first day, or week etc..... that's the whole point of employing someone new. You're bringing YOU and YOUR ideas to the 'table' as it were.

Keep posting xx

Well, Happy Hallowe'en [hsmaile] to those celebrating. Nemo is off to a party later and I have agreed to so lots of make up for the children there, plus DD's friends, and me! I'm off to carve a pumpkin soon, and then get everything sorted for the girls.

Also, we have a 'smell'. It smells of decomposing flesh. It;s in our bedroom and we've pulled all of the furniture out but can't find a thing. It's in one corner and we only noticed it last night......

We do have a chimney breast running through our room but it's been sealed for years. The house was built in 1850 and I have no idea if the fire has actually ever been used as the wall looks super smooth.

It's awful. I feel sick when I go in so until we can source the cause, we're going to mask it with deodorising air freshener. Any ideas most welcome.

What's everyone doing this evening?

Silver - nice to see you xx

venus - thank you for re-posting the new thread on the last page, I worry that we'll lose someone! Hope you are okay lovely. xx

This is Hallowe'en Google screen made me

SAF I can't imagine how apprehensive I'd feel starting a proper job after 6 years working (in the loosest sense of the word) for myself but you CAN do it. Lots of people feels a fraud when starting a new job/ promotion - when will they find me out I'm just little old me - it's really normal hopefully your confidence will build when you've started.

Mouse have you pulled back the carpet - similar thing happened to me once and on pulling back the carpet there was a squashed flat dead mouse, had been walking on it! [Shock]

Is the chimney sealed at the top? Any chance a pigeon has got down there? Hope you find this grisley ghoul soon! X

mouse your smell is very halloween! sorry, no help...

saf you sound very self-aware, and you know these feelings are normal and wont last long. when my dh got a new job, we found stuff online about going back to work. search for 'what to do on your first day/week'. its commonsense really, but gives you sometging to focus on

ever since we got back from aberdeen i've been feeling sick and anxious. like i'm going to have a panic attack , and also a bit cut off from reality - theres a word for that, cant renember what it is. diss-something.

oh but! thinking about visiting friends and drinking this weekend, and i automatically thought i must plan to take soft drinks with me as well! hoping that has become a habit.

sorry about all the typos, is anyone bothering to read my posts any more? will try ang get on the real puter this evening

Disassociated Alias? x

joey I used to get that cut-off feeling a bit when I was depressed. Are you taking any meds, and taking them consistently? And it seems to be a day for typos (I made about 4 already today, and that's on a proper keyboard, not a phone.

saf one of the scariest jobs I ever had was when i was appointed a project manager of a new project. I basically turned up to an empty desk and I had to generate all my ideas and work. So for the first day, if you can find a book, or papers or anything on line about the subject you are working in, then take it to read. Use it jot down some headings, ideas, and questions you have. Find out other people or places who have done something similar and arrange to speak to them, get their project proposals, or go and visit them. That project management job felt very weird for about the first 4 weeks and then suddenly i seemed to be completely immersed, with barely a moment to myself.

thanks venus - sounds very similar. i do have something i can read to structure my q's around - especially as to how the wider organisation i'll be working with functions. at interview, when asked, i said i'd envisage my first week being used getting to know the institution etc so i guess it's ok if i do that! other than that: seeking out best practice, talking to people who've managed this kind of project before, visiting if possible is part of the plan so i don't find myself thinking i have to reinvent the wheel iyswim.

same as you i'm turning up to my little office which is essentially an empty little room just for me to build and run this project from.

it is a confidence crisis i guess. maybe also a bit of 'the universe is being good to me and i don't deserve it' business as well? the head honcho guy really likes me and they all thought i did great in the group interviews and discussions. my reference who is my old professor who knows me and the field it's in very well reckons i'm perfect for it intellectually and personality wise and friends who've heard what the job is have all been like 'oh that's so you'. i have all the essentials and all the desirables from the person spec yet feel ill qualified and as if i've somehow conned the universe into giving me something

anyway! i have nice clothes to wear - that's the most important thing right??

it's maybe a bit of cogitive dissonance going on - you know when you believe things about yourself and the world and how things will be and then reality behaves differently to those beliefs and expectations and you feel kind of.... jet lagged/out of synch? i always get it a bit when people believe in me and my abilities embarrassed to say this but i think it's still the little girl who grew up on criticism and gaslighting and is... muddled.

sorry - long. venus' fault for encouraging me to talk about it. just drank last beer in the house - could go and buy more but am going to make a cup of tea instead i think.

silver good to see you back!!!! are you back driving the bus for a while?
I am not in a good place. things escalating with DH and not sure how much longer I can hold out before the phrase "i want a divorce" bursts out of me.
send me strength please babes

aw ma sending you strength and courage. Do you have aget out plan?

Ma sending you strength! Hanging out the door of the bus wondering whether to fall in your side car and cosy up with you.- it's blustery out here in the dark! Pull us back in babes would ya xx

I'm working on a get out plan but it just ain't that easy.*shoves green back into bus*.
He's not here tonight thankfully so don't have to even pretend or attempt to communicate with him. He is a sullen,aggressive twat! Don't worry, I don't mean physically aggressive - just tone of voice and body language.
Just wish it was all over really.

In the sidecar & have been for a while, sorry loves.
x

Thanks Ma, hanging on in here - Ma that's so grim I don't know all the back story, believe you wanting to stay for DC ?- assume you have explored all the options so won't insult your intelligence otherwise. How long till it can be over - anything to be done in between?

<straps seat belt tightly around green in case of further wobbles>

So sorry ma, I've been there and it not a nice place. Do you have any close friends you could off-load in person to?

Was a bit worried about tonight. Lots of us went Trick Or Treating and someone suggested we pop into the pub as there was a themed night and activities for the children. I found myself fighting grumpiness and when I tried to figure out why - I realised it was because I would have to go to the pub and not have wine (for the first time). I wasn't even sure, until it was over, that I could do it - but I did. I just had a diet Coke and just gazed longingly at everyone else's wine. Still, feeling good about it all now. Next hurdle is Fireworks night which is held in the grounds of a pub and has always been a great excuse to have mulled wine and more wine!

Hang on in there Babes.

Well done purple that's really brilliant!

Thanks green and well done for hanging in there. Yeah,considered lots of options. None feasible right now so just try and blank him out as ,much as possible. DS loves him and needs stability. I'll survive. Then one day, one day.....:-)

one day... I am thinking of the scene in shawshank redemption on the beach doing up the boat - free at last.... I hope you can hold on to your dreams in the meantime, dig in and bear it.

purple yeah, diss... dissasoc.. disassoc, that's the word

I came on the real computer to be able to type properly, got side-tracked by a 35-page thread about cannibalism and now too tired to respond to anybodys posts properly.

venus its lovely to see you back, I missed you

ma no doubt you have already considered therapy, but if not how about Relate. Not to fix your marriage - its obviously gone beyond that - but some strategies to make it through until you are finally able to escape.

Not drinking but wanting :-(

Well done to everyone staying off the misery juice tonight.

xxx

Joey I lost about two hours of my life to that last night and the follow up thread, is it still going? I can't check don't want to get sucked into that again!

((*saf*))
one day at a time
Stop projecting. Plan as much as you can, but stop worrying about the outcomes.
School holidays are quite a trigger for you, I think? They certainly were for me, but in reverse. I'd doggedly not drink when the dcs were off, and then hit it when they were back.
When can you get to a meeting? I'm stranded in NY and might have to drag DD along!

Morningeveryone,

It's a beautiful one here today, I'm meeting a friend for lunch by the sea, today, so I hope it stays like it!

Kotinka, "misery juice", I'm going to keep that one in my head, it's brilliant, not heard anyone say that before, but how true!

School holidays are a trigger for me, but mostly since I've had the holidays, but no children here to do things with!! Thinking, hmm I don't have to get up. or do anything tomorrow, so maybe a shedful a glass will be nice tonight!
So, this half term, I made myself a list of things to do, and am working through it. Sounds really sad, I know, but it's keeping off the misery juice (yes, I'll be using that for quite a while ), and feeling brighter.
A day with a racking hangover, on your own, is just to horrible for words, all the anxiousness, regret, resolves, blah, blah. Not to say that I won't find myself back there sometime, but for today, I'm not. Thanks to all of you on the bus entirely, i don't think I say that often enough (mwah!!)

help how are you? Is there any chance of you getting home when you should? I've just had an email from "airbnb" and on their site, they are offering free accomodation for anyone who is stranded. Hope you're ok.

Ma my friend, I send you my love, I know how difficult it is for you, and that your children are your first thought. You are a strong and lovely lady, and you will get to that cottage one day.

Mouse I hope, hope that you are not in pain today,I can imagine you knocked yourself out helping at the party! Hope you had a lovely time, and that Nemo slept.

Saf It is very nervewracking, but they chose you, and at the moment, with so much competition for every job, you must have been phenomenal, you have your strategies for the first week, you will be great.

Venus I'm happy to see you too! I hope you taking a little bit of time to look after yourself, as well as everyone else. xxxx

Aargh, it's raining, and time for me to step away from the screen!!!!

Much love to all

P.s JWN how are you, my lady? xx

thurso thank you so much. I've been up all night trying to find a hotel. We're delayed until Sunday, already extended in current hotel and I've spent all night checking the reception here for cancellations and searching in vain. I've sent 2 requests on airbnb, and could cry with near relief and exhaustion.

green I didn't read the original thread, but spent enough time on the follow up thread to get the gist. Its probably still going now...

my moods have worsened since I swapped from seroxat to mirtazapine. I've tried changing the dose <hides from saf> but I've done it sensibly this time; researched the side-effects, and am only doing what a gp would suggest anyway; doesn't seem to have helped but am determined not to keep stopping and starting, so will give it another few days.

Anxiety is my default mode - depression seems to be an added extra. How is it possible to suffer from both at the same time?

Hi all - sorry to hear you're not too good, Mia.

I'm ok - drank too much on Tuesday night. Felt so guilty the next day Drank last night as well, but not too much. Off out tonight, there will definitely be drinking but not to excess as my friends are not complete pissheads like me moderate drinkers.

Morning all - I will not drink today. Going to a big birthday bash in town on Saturday - I'm going to drive - knowing I am not going to drink is a big weight off my mind. I will avoid; not getting last bus home and spending 30 quid on taxi, making general fool of myself, inappropriate flirting, temptation to follow some of the herd into the loos for some chemical enhancement which would send my MH problems in stratesphere I very unlikely I'd do this but is a risk, very bad hangover, guilt at non activity with little one on Sunday etc etc all in the name of having a good time! I feel so much better knowing non of that will happen

Hello everyone, excuse the interruption, but can you help me? If I'm looking for information or support on here wrt living with someone who drinks, do I start a thread on its own (as I've seen a lot of people do), or is there another perma-thread that I've missed? Any ideas?

Thanks.

7 weeks

But I think will stop counting, as planning to visit friends and drink at the weekend. Need to plan this very carefully, and if I can't manage controlled drinking then its back on the bus.

i haven't seen a permathread peppermint.

is there anything specific you want to ask? may help if you give details. by someone who drinks do you mean someone you think is an alcoholic?

still in sidecar here.

Thanks swallowedafly. Well, binge drinker really, and the negative effect on the family. I suppose I already know there's a problem, but it's getting the person in question to see and seek help. -I know there is no "getting" them to do it, and they have to do it themselves, but, erm, I don't want to rattle on and hijack.

I suspect I need to start a thread, I'm probably working up to it!! I just feel it's become a specific "issue" if you like, rather than a more general relationship thing, and I couldn't find anything on here (surprisingly). Thanks.

Peppermint, I have seen quite a lot of threads where people have asked for help, and have got some very helpful advice from other people who are / have been in your situation.

I think you get the best help if you can be clear in your thread title e.g. Help, my partner is a binge drinker.

You should get some good advice on helping and protecting yourself and the rest of the family who are affected. Also have a a look at al-anon website and see if there is a group local to you, or someone you can talk to (link here www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I think all of us on here know what a selfish thing this is that we do, and I really hope that your partner gets to a place where they can take responsibility, as you said already, it's not something you can do for them. Good luck.

saf you'll climb out of the sidecar soon - you've done it before and I know that you have the internal resources to do it again. Take care xx

thanks venus. i know i will. just a q of when. i'm in this limbo period at the minute and i think that's a big factor.

Thanks for the link. Good old MN, just posting a little old post on here has made me feel better. Time to do something I think

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Peppermint - hello, I agree with venus re making sure that you are clear in your thread title and opening, that way, you'll get more advice on the relationship too and advice if others have been in your shoes IYSWIM?

Joey - 7 weeks? Bloody fantastic! You rock lady, you ROCK!! xx

Greeny - planning in advance, I like it! Driving is what I used, that and my meds for a little while, as my reason for not drinking if anyone asked. Now I just say no thanks if I'm offered a glass of wine if I'm not drinking!

Well, the Hallowe'en party was great! 20+ kids all hyped up and having a blast! I did the make up for them, and DD plus 4 friends. It was hard work bending and being stuck in a chair for a while but I got through it.

Nemo loved it after the initial shock of the noise levels, the screaming from the boys was way more than the girls, and of course, a restricted space wasn't so good but eventually, he came out of his shell.

Needless to say, my morphine has had a little bump up today, I tried to take Nemo out for a walk in his wheelchair earlier but had to cut it short, my back and hips hate the cold and damp and boy is it BOTH here tonight. Plus the moon is amazing, watch out, there's a real sense of 'spiritual, misty, woo' in the air tonight.

Ma - I have nothing to make it better....... xx

Thurso - so nice to see you back! I've missed you and your posts. I so get what you mean about the 'well, I've not got to be anywhere' school of thought re the drinking.....

I hope that you're okay and manage to fight the beast xx

Hello to everyone else, sorry not to namecheck everyone. I'm totally mentally and physically knackered and this post has taken an hour to clobber together.

Anyway, enough of my waffling, keep going Brave Babes xx

Things not good. The lid came off tonight and a lot has been said. There is nothing left but admitting it is hard. Don't know where we go from here. I don't care anymore

Oh Ma thinking of you, hope you can both find a way forward to a happier life together or apart

Ma - PM me if you want to get it all out and not in open. I don't mean that in a ' you can tell me but not the others way' I mean it in a I've been by your side from the start of our journey on this Bus xx

I've got to go..... Ma - stay SAFE! Stay in the house, stay in control. Please? xx

ma maybe it needed to be said, maybe there is a way of moving forward now things are out in the open. i woul recommend mediation if you can manage it, it can help ensure a split is as amicable as possible, especially where kids are involved. dont know what else to suggest really, but am thinking of you.

Thanks mouse knowing you and all the babes are there gives me enormous strength. When I get free we are all going to have one hell of a party. I'm OK. Things are calm. We are just ignoring each other which is OK. If he tries any crap tonight I will sleep in dds room or go to mums house. But he won't. He will just sulk.

Wishing you strength and a much better day today ma.

When I was struggling with the 'it's too awful, should I stay, should I go, what will it do to the children' dilemma, a friend told me "When it's time, you will know." And, for me, she was right. It was a bit 'hairy' at the beginning but the relief of walking into my own place, away from all the rows and sulking and uncertainty was wonderful. 2 years on and things are settled and calm - and I even get on well with my ex! That's not to say I think you should leave, only you will know that, just that I know where you are now and I sympathise hugely. Thinking of you. (( ))

Morning all you brave babes. Not been here in ages as I have been drinking heavily

Apart from one g&t last night, not had a drink since Saturday and feel so much better for it

Nice (but very chilly) day here in Edinburgh and I am off to work and then a booze free weekend I hope.

Have a good day, people!

Ma I agree with Purple, things will happen when the time is right. If the lid came off, then it was due. Often blow ups like that will clear the air and release some of the tension but I get the feeling that didn't happen?

Just remember, whatever you are feeling, it's ok. All your anger, sadness, fear, confusion is ok. Try to ride it out, we are here for you and you will come out the other end eventually x

Thurso so lovely to hear from you again and you sound much more upbeat these days.

Saf not much advice to offer re the job other than what everyone else has said but I did want to tell you that although you may be shaking in your shoes, I have great and sincere admiration for you going into this, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity and you could so easily have let fear hold you back. You didn't x

Right, suppose I'd better namechange back, now halloween is over.

shaking in your new, shiny shoes...

Just checking in. Still breathing. Think DH went to work early but he could be anywhere....think its going to be a long weekend.

Just checking in, thinking of all you all even though I don't post as often as I used to. How is Nemo Mouse? See you're still doing brilliantly Joey. Hello to everyone else.

No drinking for me since my last relapse a couple of weeks back. Still on Antabuse but realise it's only a tool to help me abstain and that I have to work on so many other things, triggers and cravings in particular. But it does seem to be getting easier. I had a friend to stay all last weekend and she drank steadily (but not stupidly) throughout. The hardest part was listening to her banging on about how she couldn't possibly drink if I wasn't but I told her to shut up and get on with it!

I decided not to go to the work Xmas party and have taken a couple of days off so I can say I'm going away as an excuse. It involves a meal with live music followed by a "disco" so without booze would be an experience I can do without.
Don't get me wrong, I love music and dancing but for me, some situations are best avoided. Mentally I'm in a good place; I take 50mg Sertraline a day and have for ages and it keeps my anxiety at bay, although sometimes it does raise its ugly head and I just have to ride it out. It's scary though, to know it will always be with me. I try not to blame myself, most of my family are nutters in one way or another so it's in the blood. I know a good many of you suffer from depression/anxiety etc, do any of you have close family with similar issues? But walking an hour a day with the dog has certainly got those endorphins moving too and as for the rest, my life is quietly contented.

Ma thinking of you; having been through separation/divorce myself I know it's a hard, draining time but it can be the first positive step towards a better way of life.

ma thinking of you 'across the water'.

Exh and I split up years ago, but I can still remember the afternoon when it all came to a head, and after that it felt like things had been said that couldn't be unsaid. We had a few uncomfortable times in the house over the next few weeks but then we got some of the practical things sorted out and we separated.

My dc were young, so very different issues to face, but if there's anything I can do to help, let me know - always happy to listen. And to share my own experiences if you think it would be helpful.

Well didn't get released Wednesday, but have escaped the asylum for the weekend, have to go back Sunday to be reviewed Mondaymand hopefully discharged.

It's now been 46 days since I had a drink, but I have been in the priory so no chance of a drink, just got to keep it up at home.

Have been to a couple of AA meetings which were better than I had anticipated.

Am hoping I will be able to take part in this thread more and not just post to witter about myself.

Good luck for today all of us, one day at a time!

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Soma - I think that's a great idea, taking some time off and avoiding a situation that you know the outcome to. Why put yourself through it? The building up of 'what if I fuck up/what if I get wasted and say this, that and the other to so and so'?

There's just no point to it is there? I think you're doing great staying on the antabuse but also realising what it is, as you say, a tool to help untangle the other 'issues' that may well have led you down the path of drinking the way you used to in the first place?

I have always had anxiety issues, from being bullied at school to being in abusive relationships in one form or another. I'm on no meds for that now, I found that in actual fact, once I stopped taking the concoction of drugs, I felt better. Maybe it's a psychological way of thinking, as in if I'm not on them, I don't need them and therefore I'm not anxious? IYSWIM?

Nemo is still suffering with his cold. Last night was awful. I was up with him alot and suffering for it today. I had to do my own 'drill' before I could move. 6mg of diazepam for the spasms, 30mls of oramorph, 800mg of ibuprofen and 2 co-codamol 30/500. All just to be able to move my legs and turn over. It's not great but this is all I have for now........

Ma - a friend told me "When it's time, you will know." - Yes, you will. You will reach a point and there will be no going back. Ever. Well, that's what happened with me. Something just 'changes' and that's it. You'll be ever so calm, you'll feel almost serine about the decision afterwards...... everything will suddenly no longer matter, no more fighting, no shitting comments, no nasty, spiteful and mean jibes just to provoke a reaction, or score points.

Take good care until that time Ma, lean on us, we're here for you and if drinking is the only thing mentally blocking him out right now, (although I'm sure you can think of plenty of ways to physically 'knock' him out right now! ) then so be it. But please be careful, you're worth so much more than you realise. Your DC still need you. xx

Hello Fizzy - I hope you do manage to have a booze free weekend.

DD is off on a sleepover tonight and then we're having the same friend here tomorrow and some fireworks, a bonfire and some yummy festive food. Brownies, hot dogs, potato wedges, burgers... YUM!!

I hope it's just dry. Just to watch the fireworks, if the bonfire is a no go then fine but I love watching Nemo's little face light up when the rockets woooooooosh up

soma >> most of my family are nutters in one way or another so it's in the blood My dad was an alcoholic, I think my stepdad has a drink problem - what is the common link here? My mother. But thats unfair, my dad had issues before they ever met, and BOTH his parents were alcoholics (at least so I was told... by my mother... don't know if its actually true)

Anyway you are doing so well, and well done for avoiding the office party! My head has not felt quite right since swapping seroxat for mirtazapine, but it could be worse. Like you, I find dog-walking very therapeutic (unless he's chasing rabbits and won't come back)

ma you got anyone in real life you can talk to?

Mouse all those painkillers, just so you can turn over. I'll never moan about my bad back again.....Poor Nemo, June had a cold too last week and it always lays her really low but she's OK now. Glad you agree with me about the Xmas party - to think I believed that I really enjoyed them but it was only because I was completely wasted!

Joey my parents, despite being mad, aren't alkies, but various aunts and uncles are (on both sides) and also my brother. How long have you been on the Mirtazapine and off the Seroxat? My brother had a terrible time coming off Seroxat but seems to be finally OK - it does seem to be a particularly fiendish drug to stop. I have a major craving going on at the moment, probably because it's Friday and almost time to go home. I'm yearning for the old days when I worked in London and we all went out after work and drank loads of red wine.
I'll just have to march straight into the house and straight out again, dog in tow, and hope the fresh air restores my sanity

gorja just wanted to say well done you and good luck. the support on here is awesome, so please keep posting.

thank you all for your lovely posts. Yes, mouse I have sort of reached the serene stage now knowing that it will happen one day. It gives me a secret smile that I know that and have accepted it. Actually doing it is a different story though.
Must admit I'm not looking forward to going home but DD2 has a friend round tonight so there won't be a row while she's here and if the weekend gets grim I'll just say quietly "i dont want to be here so I am going out for a while" and go for a walk or something.

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Ma - you WILL know. Life will fall into place, life will suddenly just feel right, and you will take the steps you need to complete the process of release. On your terms.

I hope, with all of my heart that one day you'll be happy, truly happy and have no need to numb the pain you feel each day, each hour.... take care Ma xx

Soma - I hate moaning about me here (no I mean it! ), when there are so many needy Babes, so many problems here and those who have so much more than me going on, but I just have to write it down to keep it real sometimes, to keep me from fueling my own fire with vodka, wine, poison of choice.

Nemo has been hard work today, DH has been out all afternoon. I'm exhausted so it's the Mentalist and then bed for this little mouse, and a tonne of pain meds (as much as I can allow myself in a certain period of time) to snuggle up with.

Stay safe Babes, Be Brave! xx

soma dogs are the perfect antidote to drinking aren't they? A bundle of love and pleasure, needing to be walked by sober owners. How is Albert/Alfie (sorry I can't remember which name he ended up with!)

I've been okay coming off seroxat - I thought - the effects seem to be more subtle than that. Or maybe I just have to get used to living real emotions now.

Am nervous about tomorrow - going out with friends and I would like to have a drink with them. I won't be able to drink much anyway, because after 7 dry weeks my body wouldn't cope.

Luckily we are going out to a bonfire party in the early evening, so no chance of having anything too soon. Unless mulled wine or something is offered, and I WILL SAY NO.

I also have to try and enjoy the evening, not be constantly thinking about drinking too much or too little. It's sad to realise this is going to carry on for months if not years, until my brain has re-trained. In the past I have maybe stopped or cut down for a while, but always it crept back up without me being aware.

Its going to take years isn't it. Maybe the rest of my life. FFS. Even if I do drink again, I will never be able to do it in a relaxed, casual way; but always have to have one eye open. God, I have just realised this is for ever.

Sorry its so long, just cannot believe that after 7 weeks it really still is so hard all the bloody time.

Morning babes

Pulling myself back onto the bus, yesterday was day one. I had a horrible hangover yesterday after 1/2 a bottle. I was grumpy with my toddler (he' s 3 so it's not difficult to be grumpy), got bugger all done and felt rubbish. Bet i looked crap too.

So today is day 2 and i will not be drinking.

joey SEVEN WEEKS! you are awesome. Is it really as hard now as it was at the beginning? Come on I bet that loads of good things have begun to happen, little changes that you have brought about by staying off the 'misery juice'

What a beautiful morning it is in sunny Hertfordshire Some houses still have frost on their rooves (or is it roofs?) and the sky is blue blue blue, so hopefully the rain will hold off for most of the day. Mouse, that's what this place is all about; we're allowed to tell everyone how we're feeling and that's exactly why I posted yesterday after being away for a while. We care for eachother and want everyone to feel able to share their pain and worries. I've never met you, but I feel a deep affection for you (and many others) and want to hear what's going on in your life, good and not so good.

Joey what you write is so true. It does seem to be a constant struggle to abstain, although I've heard many a recovered boozer say that after a while they did stop thinking about alcohol so much and didn't miss it. I suppose everyone's different and we just have to find out own way. I'm sure some of your friends will only be having one or two and where's the fun in that for the likes of us? That really helps me, to realise that the majority only drink very moderately and by abstaining altogether you're not behaving that differently. What really sets us apart from most drinkers is the way we drink to excess and think about it all the time.

Alfie is great thanks, in his favourite place at the moment, under the duvet whilst I'm on my lap-top. DD is with her dad this weekend so today and most of tomorrow is mine. Dog walk, Sainsburys, put up shelf in DD's bedroom and try not to fuck it up , quick trip to town (I can walk because I only live five minutes from the centre) and my guilty pleasure later. XFactor that is, rooting for James Arthur, he really has got something. At about 3pm I'll start craving a drink but will go through it and come out the other side. When I've managed to do that and no longer want a drink, I'm amazed that only a few hours earlier the craving felt so strong. But when I'm in the midst of a craving, it's so hard to know that the feelings will diminish because it's all-consuming. We live and learn, even if it's very slowly.

And if anyone's made it to the end, sorry for the ramble.

Even if I do drink again, I will never be able to do it in a relaxed, casual way; but always have to have one eye open

Joey this is what I love now about drinking (or not drinking)! For me, it is always mindful and I can feel what I really get out of a glass or two (which is not much tbh).

I am much happier now about not drinking, I prefer enjoying an evening out without making an arse of myself, funnily enough . I prefer getting a good night's sleep without waking up sweating and thirsty. I prefer starting the day with a clear head and lots of energy.

Not drinking is fab. It's the best gift an alkie can ever give themselves

Morning all, beautiful & sunshiny here too.

Beautiful day here too. Keeping busy making soup and Christmas planning. Things calm.

Oh, my friends,
I FAILED! thought the external verifier was just red tape, but, she failed everyone on my course, on one assignment.
I am just so sad.2/12 years work !
It had passed by my tutor, Just so gutted!!!!!
Sorry, had to let it out
xxxxx

Oh Thurso I am so sorry

How could that happen? Those external verifiers are all over the place. They are messing up the GCSE results too. Why does it have to be so complicated and so flipping HARD!!?

It's no comfort, I know, but it's not just you, this is happening everywhere. We all know how hard you work and how much you care. Remember, whatever happens, you will have made a difference to someone. That's got to be worth something x

Thank you Faire
just feel so sad tonight!and although I would like to get shattered, not going to let it happen though, just have do my stuff again and try to get it passed.
Sorry for the me, me post, just so sad .........

I'm gutted for you Thurso, it's the worst that can happen, I suppose. But it's the system that's flawed, not you.

Those of us who work in education are under enormous pressure to get those results and the students are not all treated fairly. We all have to jump through hoops, regardless of talent, ability or intellect. It's a shambles, I really, honestly don't know how they could do this to you!

But, yes, it's one of those tests and it does not mean that hitting the bottle will resolve any of it.

It's crap. It happens. I'm so sorry that it happened to you x

The only saving grace is the peoples' lives we touch. Academic results are not everything. Sometimes we are able to show others that we care, that they matter, that goals are worth striving for. And we can also show them that, although we don't always achieve what we hoped, there is always another way. Don't give up, take it as the setback it is and move on.

There is so much more to education, as you well know, so I hope this is of some small comfort to you x

Yup,complete shambles, I think, especially as I faithfully followed the Ed Psych guidlines!
Anyway, nobody dead, just another thread in the great scheme of things (as my Dad would say!)
Prob going to bed now, can't stand any more tea!!
DH being really nice, but, don't want it, Just feel V. bad......
Thanks Faire xx

Thurso - darling lady, that it so utterly sad and gutting. After all of your hard work! How on earth can they do that? The entire course? It's diabolical. I'm so very sorry to read your post sweetheart.

I have no words that can take the pain away, you worked your backside off for this, and one person gets to decide the way it turns out? Tis shite my lovely.

{([ HUGS ])} xxxx

Oh Thurso, what a bummer. Well done u on not hitting the bottle.you will get it on the resit. External examined is a fuckwit!

thurso - this stinks, any way you can appeal? If not, demand free tuition to repeat the course since it's been a fuck up of the college?

Onwards!

Keep fighting, this isn't your failure.

Morning babes, sorry haven't read back properly, well I drove did have two halves (felt need to take edge off it was a boring night but would have been regardless of drinking or not, glad I drove home, no regrets

Thurso So sorry to hear your news . That's just crappy. Just one thought - this happened to me (many moons ago) on a software course. We ALL failed the spreadsheet module but had all passed in the other two subjects. We lodged a complaint against the tutor and it turned out he was doing it all wrong! We were given new guidelines and a bit more time to study - and 70% of us passed second time (inc. me!) As kotinka said, I don't think this is your failure at all, but your tutor's or external examiner's. If you all failed, that's too much of a coincidence. It wouldn't hurt to look into it further, you've got nothing to lose. Good luck.

On day 17 and feeling really good (but, as always, not smug or complacent!). I was at a fireworks 'do' at the local pub last night for over 2 hours and had a diet coke and a slim line tonic. I was really surprised that it didn't bother me at all not to have the usual, copious amounts of wine. I'm starting to think it's the thought of not being able to drink that's worse rather than the reality. I'm actually enjoying not drinking (ATM!)> Ex MIL was there too and I was always paranoid that she was watching and judging me. Didn't give her the satisfaction last night.

Doctors tomorrow so will learn the results of the blood tests - then on to the Alcohol Services. No idea what'll happen there. A bit nervous but also hopeful.

Faire I really liked your words. I never thought I would be able to enjoy not drinking but the lack of shame/embarrassment/sleeplessness is such a reward for not picking up that glass of wine.

ma How are things? I hope you've managed to find a little bit of peace of mind over the past few days? Thinking of you.

Guggen Hope you've managed to stay on the bus and your head is better.

7 weeks is fantastic joey, well done you! I know what you mean about being nervous about going out on a social event. I'm surprised that none of my friends seems to be making a big deal out of the fact I'm not drinking (thought everyone would be aghast and make lots of embarrassing comments - I suppose that's the paranoia surfacing.)

Anyway, I've managed to lose half a stone in weight and am starting to feel a bit more like my old self.

Good luck to all the Brave Babes today.

<waves to mouse and everyone else>

(green How's you?)

(Ooop green X post!)

How was your night out Joey? Bearable? What's everyone up to today? It's grey and raining here, so will be hibernating with DD who needs to do her homework before school starts again tomorrow. She's left it all till the last moment as usual.

Thurso I'm so sad for you failing the course but as others have said, it stinks that everyone's failed on just one assignment. Presumably you'll have a chance to catch up with your fellow students and maybe ask for this to be investigated.

purple you sound very upbeat and you're right about the 'thought' of a drink being the issue. When I was drinking I wasted so much time thinking and planning about how/when I was going to drink, or worrying about what would happen if the wine ran out after the shop was closed, or how I'd add in a sneaky extra drink when I was at a social event, or devising ways to get the of the evidence of the empty bottles. Then when I first stopped drinking, it seemed as though all that thinking/planning/plotting/worrying time transferred to thinking about NOT drinking. And it was a bit tortuous. Not thinking about drinking has been the best habit to break, and the one that has really freed me from the grip of this.

thurso and for you. Remember that you will be feeling completely shocked by this for a while, so treat yourself kindly, in the same way as you would with any other sudden and unexpected shock: cry if you feel like it, get angry if you need to, treat yourself with hot sweet tea (or something equally rewarding), and take your time to come to terms with it. Don't make any hasty or wrong decisions (like throwing in the towel). And of course remember than a bottle of wine is not a good treatment for shock - it doesn't make any of it go away, it doesn't lessen any of the pain, and it doesn't even really offer the kind of oblivion you might feel you want. I know xx

soma sunny, frosty, cold and bright here (the weather, not me)

soma You and I are in the same situation regarding DD's and homework! She (we!) have to come up with a tourist brochure for a castle by tomorrow! Only found out yesterday!

venus When I was drinking I wasted so much time thinking and planning about how/when I was going to drink, or worrying about what would happen if the wine ran out after the shop was closed, or how I'd add in a sneaky extra drink when I was at a social event, or devising ways to get rid the of the evidence of the empty bottles. That was so me - also not wanting to pick places for lunch unless they were licensed and even going to a particular zoo because they sold those little bottles of wine!! And worse still (ooh, difficult confessions) having a slug out of a friends glass while they were out of the room just so my glass didn't empty too fast and look bad! I'm getting better at not thinking about NOT drinking on everyday days but still a bit unsettled about social events. Christmas is looming. I really hope I can make this my first sober - but I've got a way to go before then.

Bloody miserable weather here in Suffolk - wet and cold. Ho hum, will think of something to do with DC later.

Hi all - Thurso, I'm so sorry to hear your news! That's awful I would definitely complain, especially if everyone failed. That doesn't seem right at all.

Ma - sorry you're going through this, it must be awful.

Mouse - smell of rotting flesh? How horrid. Just a thought - dry rot smells a bit like that, albeit more fungal. Might be worth checking it out.

As for me - well, it's been a bad few weeks. First of all, I had a virus and then my dog died. Since then, dh has been in a bad place. I know I've mentioned this recently.

What scared me the other night is, when I begged him to talk to me about his feelings (he won't) he told me that he is feeling depressed and WANTS TO DRINK. This worried me hugely, as he was a heavy binge drinker in his teens. Since I've known him, he has only drunk rarely. He says he won't drink, but that he did have the craving. His drink of choice (for getting wasted as opposed to drinking socially etc) is whiskey.

One other thing - it gave me an uncomfortable insight into what it must be like to live with someone with a drink problem.

I can't remember if I mentioned that we have a new dog. She came from a rescue society and she is lovely but only a few months old and very lively. She's been keeping us all on our toes. I'm afraid dh isn't bonding with her - he doesn't seem to enjoy her. If I'm honest, although I understand his feelings, I wish he would be a bit more positive about the situation. I know I'm being unfair

thurso sorry to hear that, after all your work... well done for not hitting the bottle

had a good evening, did not drink anything at the party. came home and we all had some mulled wine. it was quite late by then, and after 2 glasses i was dead tired, and then just had water.

i felt much more aware of having had enough - usually i would have kept going, last man standing etc. am pleased that it was controlled, but am aware that i must not get complacent. bought a roast chicken for tonight, and was tempted to get some wine but stood firm. i suppose it does get easier...

Purple why do they set such daft homework? I'm sitting at the table with DD who is moaning for England about doing hers but TV/phone/laptop is banned until she does it. Thanks for posting this, it really struck a chord: And worse still (ooh, difficult confessions) having a slug out of a friends glass while they were out of the room just so my glass didn't empty too fast and look bad! But I think this could be even worse still - going to the bar to get a round in and getting an extra one for myself and downing it whilst I'm standing there
and hoping no-one will spot me. I didn't even care what the barman thought of me.

Venus you describe my favourite type of weather, not like that here today. I'm so sorry about your older dog Greyhound and what's going on with DH. Has he suffered from depression before, do you know what brought it on? Glad you enjoyed your evening Joey, wish I could drink like that ie just having a couple but I know that sooner or later it's going to catch up on me.

Evening babes

day 3 for me, I was tempted this evening but i made sure that I walked home through the park rather than past the open,wine selling shops.I am feeling better actually!

Thurso very sorry to hear that. What do the other's on your course say? (well just the repeatable bits, anyway ) I thought that purple had a good point about all making a complaint. Bum- it really isn't fair!

Greyhound sorry to hear that you lost a pet and have been having a bad time.

just wondering how goldenSeptember and rural are getting on? golden I was thinking about your decision to stay away from the white wine witch- how's it going?

Hope you all had a happy and sober halloween

grey men really dont like talking about their feelings, do they? i think they prefer practical ways of dealing with things, maybe instead of asking "do you want to talk about it?" you ask " is there anything i can do?" might get a better response. its hard when they wont open up... also they feel like its somehow weak to admit to anything

soma i was surprised that i stopped at 2 glasses but it was late. no more till next weekend and that will be hard to resist.

Had a nice walk in the sunny,frost-sparkling woods today.things OK. Thrown a cloth over the elephant in the room and put a lamp on it.

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Ma - Thrown a cloth over the elephant in the room and put a lamp on it. - Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Oh. My. Frickin. Days. Ma - that line has just made my day. You are bloody brilliant! Brilliant.

Joey - well done on stopping at 2 glasses, next weekend is a week away, stop projecting! xx

Gugg - nice to see you here, day 3 is better than day 0, do what you have to ODAAT xx

I'm okay, tired after a late night with Nemo, upset and screaming with a nightmare..... in our bed so DH turfed into his bed <waits for Ma to offer DH a nice, warm, bed >

Good day here, lots of jobs done, shopping for food done, more fireworks for next weekend, tidying a bit and lots of wood chopped to keep us warm. Our last day and then back to school on Tuesday.

HUGE dilemma with respite which I will try to go into tomorrow for more advice. I need some other views on what to do as it's upsetting me. Rather a lot actually.

But for now, bed calls. It's so cold here tonight, rural temps are 4/5 degrees lower than the bloody BBC ever say!

Just watched that documentary about the space diving guy? What a dude! And a crazy one at that! Life is so short and look what he did! Wicked.

Night night Babes xxx

Morning

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages. I rushed on here and let it out in the first fury of knowing, and feel a bit ashamed, as it's no big one,in the scheme of life. Nobody is ill, or hurt so it's just paper.

It would seem that we haven't all failed the qualification as a final thing, just that one assignment needs to be "re-worked", for the course to be passed. However seeing as my tutor isn't answering any emails, phone calls or texts from anyone in the class, I haven't got a lot more detail !!!!

Venus You know me so well, yup, "bugger blow this, I'm just not doing it" immediatly sprang to mind! The wine was calling as well, but had a really nice day with Dh yesterday, walked miles, ate loads and perspective restored (well, ish!!).

I imagine that I have completely broadcast exactly who I am with my little outburst!! What should I do?

Lots of love
T xxxxx

Purple I hope the docs goes well today.

Mouse What's going on with respite, sweet pea? It's hardly being helpful if it's making you upset and worried, not what it says on the can at all. Hope you got some sleep. xxxxx

Greyhound My Dh has had bad periods of depression, and the trouble is that he won't talk until things get very bad. I know how hard it is.

Thurso i havent a blardy clue who you are except a friend of mine. That will do.
DD2 withdrawing from college today. Thank you SAAS for no funding despite the application going in 3 months ago and endless chasing. Ironically, the govt will now pay her for being on the dole.
She is being a star, and saying its just a setback and she will apply again next year.....bless her!

Oh Ma, how awful, you must be desolate. What an absolute star your DD is. I really cannot believe that no-one could help her out with funding .
Bloody Flipping politicians with 2nd and 3rd houses, etc, etc .

ma sorry to hear about your DD especially you've worked so hard to get her onto the course, its very mature of her that she is taking it so well... gosh, you've got it tough at the moment. My thoughts are with you....

Woke up feeling very miserable again. Been feeling very down lately, which is pathetic considering I have such a good life compared to many people. I've just looked up some 'mood apps' for my new kindle; some of them look a bit pointless ie. they just track your mood, they don't actually help, but I've found one or two which appear to be CBT-based and I will have a good look at them later.

In the meantime I've just written down my negative thoughts, and then tried to see whether they are false/exaggerated. This is a technique I learned in the Feeling Good handbook (Dr David Burns) Its quite old now, but I think its still relevant. I don't feel any real desire to drink though (well it is only 10.30am!) but unless I get this mood sorted then by Friday the idea of that 'weekend drink' will be obsessive.

Hope everyones week starts off bright and sunny...

Ma that's awful. Just seems so unfair on your daughter, but what a great attitude she has

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Ma - what a pile of absolute horse shite. I am amazed at the continuing positive attitude of your DD, she is so level headed and a real credit to you, she's a wonderful young woman, she really is. I'm so sorry to read that they have done this to you.

Thurso - you didn't overreact or make yourself look out to be anything other than the strong, determined woman that you are, a positive woman who wanted to do something for herself so of course you're going to be gutted when you're told you've failed at something you've worked so God damn hard for.

It's good that you can do the parts you need to again. Glad you had a nice weekend xx

Joey - I found that writing stuff down really helped me when I hit a real low. Just to write out how I felt and see it in black and white, right there infront of me, made me realise that it was a series of small manageable things that I could deal with individually, one at a time, to then unravel the bigger cause if that makes sense?

No sleep for me again, Nemo was really unsettled but did have a huge meltdown before bed so that could be why. BUT, it's a glorious day here, so sunny and crisp so we're going to wrap up warm later, go feed the ducks and go for a walk. Just to get out. As sick as this might sound, I think we'll take a walk up to the old cemetery on the hill, it;s so serene there and I love the view. We just walk around looking at the stones, some are sad stories, others amazing and celebrations.

Anyway, I hope you are all okay Brave Babes, it's a rubbish time of year for me personally, lots of past trauma 'anniversaries' but THIS YEAR, I am not going to look for comfort at the bottom of a wine bottle or three.

THIS YEAR, I'm going to be thankful for what I have got in my life, my loving (and occasionally maddening) family, my beautiful children, supportive husband, lovely home, safety, food on the table and the knowledge that I'll never have to face those 'traumas' again.

Oh, and just to brag a bit more about my wonderful life I've lost another 4lb by cutting out the mountains of chocolate I was eating so I'm now under 10st for the first time since I got married 6 years ago!

Right, Heinz tomato soup time....... heaven xx

oh, I meant to say thanks faire for that sense you talked the other day when I was complaining that in the future drinking would have to be accompanied by thinking about it.

and you said >>

Joey this is what I love now about drinking (or not drinking)! For me, it is always mindful and I can feel what I really get out of a glass or two (which is not much tbh).

which of course makes a lot of sense really. I just find it hard to be responsible. Thanks for knocking some sense into me.

My lovely Mouse

"under 10 stone" .

You sound so much lighter than in times gone past, even with difficult anniversaries coming up, and no sleep, you still sound more upbeat. much love my friend. xxx

Gah, didn't even to make the link to your weight dropping and your mood "lightening".

I really need to think before I write .

joey interesting about your Feeling Good technique, and also interesting that you wrote this "I don't feel any real desire to drink though (well it is only 10.30am!) but unless I get this mood sorted then by Friday the idea of that 'weekend drink' will be obsessive."

When I read that, I read that you have no real desire to drink now (great!). But I also read that you have projected from a good feeling now to a bad feeling by Friday. Can you use your technique on that and think about whether there is any chance that your anxiety may be false (take each day at a time and maybe by Friday you will still have no real desire for a drink), or whether some of it might be exaggerated and you might have a few cravings rather than feeling obsessive?

venus you are probably right - as usual! - i am just projecting. actually i am already feeling better: just theidea of finding a tool to help has given me something to focus on.

hi.has anyone on here had a chlordiazepoxide detox? gp gave me 30 x 10Mg tablets and told me to take 3 a day.not sure she was very sure and I know it should be a reducing dose.any advice? asked her for antabuse for after and she seemed reluctant though said lets see later next week.coping strategies for my current situation are so poor I need some back up!

Dippy - no, sorry.

Thurso - will PM you tomorrow re respite and statement issues, can't put them here. Too public for the current situation we're in now. (Me, not the thread!) and well done on the penny dropping re the 'lighter mood'

Night all, school tomorrow xx

Thanks all. The college said she will be welcome back next year.she is being very brave but had two black mascara streaks down her cheeks when she came home tonight where she had been crying. My heart is sore for her.

ma that really isn't fair- poor girl I wish I was rich and could pay her fees.

mouse kind words as always hope life is good to you and little nemo

dippy sorry I don't know either. What are your coping strategies? What's happening now? I know that some of the babes use anatabuse (sp?)

Right, made it through tonight. I'm very glad that the bus is generous enough to accept lapsed babes back on.

night all - going before I get too slushy!

Night night babes you are all inspiring thank you. Wishing everyone well for tomorrow. Purple did ypu have your appointment with alcohol services today? - hope it went well

Hi all
How is everyone doing? Not been on bus for a week or two. Started counselling for alcohol addiction & thought if I can just give up wine I'll be fine! Started drinking vodka (again) and ended up drinking bottles of the stuff, took quite a few days of sick & cycle goes on. Feel for me it had to be no alcohol. Cancelled 4 separate sets of plans last weekend that all would of involved drinking & felt so good having an alcohol free weekend & felt fine for work yesterday for first time in a long time. Have cancelled plans for this weekend with an excuse that I can't waver from. I am so sick of alcohol/hungover cycle. My toddler is such hard work & I'm sick of being crap mum to him & teenage one. Been thinking I've spent nearly the last 20 years with alcohol being a big part of my life & ready to try & see what life is like without alcohol.
When I went to see my counsellor I spoke of how helpful this bus & all people in it are, he was really interested to hear about it & thought it sounded a really good support
Not had a chance to read over all messages so hope things kinda ok for people

Ohclutter, well done for the weekend, I am now in the mindset of cancel or drive for parties though having done this on Saturday, on Sunday I managed to convince myself I deserved two thirds of a bottle of wine and then a couple of measures . So day two for me babes, I will not drink today, will probably be back later between 7pm and 9pm to ask you all for help! Xx

It's so hard greeneyed I've tried taking the car loads of times as my deterrent then just end up leaving it where I am. Went to a wedding last summer 40 miles from our house, took the car so wouldn't drink then had one glass of wine which shut off my rational switch, ended up drinking all night & got on courtesy bus home...leaving my car at hotel!

I know, did have the conversation re leaving car in town on Saturday, would have to have been up at crack of dawn as on a meter. Fortunately we had a baby sitter to be back for and by the time I was considering this it was only an hour or so before we would have to leave so managed to hold off. 40 miles nightmare!

Morning early birds. Clutter I think it's a very wise decision to cancel social plans for the weekend - your sobriety is what comes first. I'm not going to the work Xmas party for the same reason and am quite happy at the moment to stay in most of the time and meet friends for coffee or an early supper. I was heartily sick of the alcohol/hungover cycle too, it's just long drawn-out agony, day after day after day. Being fully present for DD (12) is probably the best thing about not drinking and my relationship with her is so good now. Just try to think how you'll be able to enjoy your kids, even if they're still hard work, and you won't have to live with the guilt.

It is hard though and it's not something that changes overnight. For the last few weeks I've been getting really strong cravings, usually around 2-3pm when I'm at work, and yesterday they were so intense that I decided I was going to come off Antabuse so I could drink again. Of course once they'd gone (and they always do), I was appalled that I could think like that and was mighty glad of the medication, because without it I would have had a binge.

Have a good day Greeneyed and see you later!

morning all

really struggling at the moment, work and family. My DD is a normal 10-year-old (I think) but for some reason I feel I can't cope with her. She is not violent or swearing, just the usual backchat and attitude but I am really miserable. Thank god I'm not drinking otherwise I'd be having a bottle every night.

soma I am SO glad to hear you saw the voice or reason in the end - the cravings must have been very strong to make you consider stopping the antabuse! anything you can do for yourself the next time a craving hits? TBH the best thing for me, is literally just coming on the Bus. As soon as I 'step on board' the urge to drink just goes.

Unfortunately that urge has now been replaced by an urge to run away, just get in the car and drive away. I think I might be depressed.

Sorry you're feeling so bad Joey - it does sound like depression, would tie in with all the anxiety you've been having. How old are you?

guggen..I have worked out the reduction regime..am planning on getting antabuse after, especially as have a big city break weekend with a load of friends later this month! am so looking forward to a child free weekend... live alone with 2 and 5 yr old ds..eldest showing lots of aspergers traits and b hard work..just going through a divorce..work almost full time.totally relate to those of you that want life back and relationships and presence with dcs

koti I'm 42. old enough not to burst into tears (at work) over a news story about a gorilla.

Joey {{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}} glad your sense of humour's intact though. Pre-teen girls can be hard work, I have to be tough with mine when she back-chats but she knows I won't tolerate it. How do you respond to her when she gets like that? And you're right, it would be so much harder if you were drinking so bloody well done. Time to see the GP again about your pills maybe? I haven't been my usual grounded self for the past week or so and am beginning to wonder if my pills aren't working as well as they used to. I don't want to up the dose though if I can help it so will hope things settle back down.

Hi Dippy, looks like I might have an Antabuse buddy then? I had one before called HelpYourself but she hasn't been around - if you're lurking Help hope things are going well for you. It's been a very useful medication for me, basically I've hardly drunk since May apart from a few relapses which I shared with everyone! I'm a single mum who's been through a divorce too, it was hard at the time but apart from my battle with drink (which I feel I'm slowly winning), it was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

If I get a craving later Joey I'll try and come on here, even if I'm at work. I just can't believe how strong it was yesterday because right now I don't want a drink at all. I am on my 4th Millicano of the day though (instant/ground coffee) which is bad isn't it?

hi soba...sounds like u have done really well.did u have any problems getting your gp to prescribe it? have got 2 Weeks to sort self as have this time off work...I can't get counselling support for this problem as is too close to home in work context iyswim..so am def reserving a seat on the bus! have do much to get strong about relationships, money...but alcohol undermines it all!

Dippy yes it was a bit of a performance getting the prescription. Basically GP didn't want to or couldn't do the prescribing initially so I was referred to the D&A team and had to see a psychiatrist. She then told me my GP should do the prescribing so I burst into tears during the consultation and basically told her that someone needed to take responsibility....She reluctantly did me a prescription and my GP took it over from then and it's now on repeat for as long as I need it with regular reviews.

I hope it won't be that difficult for you but if you haven't seen your GP about it yet make very sure from the outset that you understand and are happy with, how it's going to be prescribed. And you're right, drinking too much undermines everything so all the very best of luck. Any more questions about Antabuse or anything else, ask away.

crikey soma they did put you through it! saw gp yesterday and have 10 days librium now, asked about antabuse and I could almost see her wriggling and she said "well lets see how you are next week"...I do know there is another gp at the practice who basically prescribes anything tho! can't go to local d and a team unfortunately.....did you have to change all your toiletries because of alcohol when went on antabuse and do you notice any side effects? thanks!!

Joey, if I was you, I'd go to the doctors & have your hormone levels checked. A thyroid problem or early menopause or both (!) are not unheard of at our age. And both those things can leave you feeling all over the place.

thanks koti I had loads of tests done (twice) last year and they said there was nothing wrong with me. I get fed up of going to the GP (and am sure they get fed up of seeing me)

With DD, well I try and stay calm, explain about consequences etc but after a while start to lose my temper. I seem to get wound up sooo easily. I want to enjoy having a daughter. I get frustrated, its like theres a total lack of respect. Then afterwards I feel so down, knowing I over-reacted and dreading the next argument.

Thanks for listening...

It sounds shitty :-( Having quite young kids, I haven't had to put up with this stuff yet.

I'm sure I'm making it worse than it needs to be. She seems so well-behaved with other people... my MIL implied we were just Bad Parents (god, I am on a downer today! sorry)

Hi Soba I'm very much around! I didn't go down the Antabuse route, but glad to hear I was a support!

Stil not drinking, still going to AA. I was stuck in NY for an extra 5 nights and was posting last week.

Last night, lying in bed jet lagged and shattered, I had a craving- my first for over a year. I grounded myself- sent DH a text and switched the radio on, and it passed very quickly. I don't know whether it's helpful for anyone else, but I think it was this I used to often experience it as a child and now get it when tired or ill, I used to drink to make it go away, but now just centre myself. Knowing what it is really helps.

Blimey help I can only relate that to being on LSD or magic mushrooms! Not surprised you want to do something to make it stop! Well done for your amazing strength and resolve x

That description does sound very extreme. For me it's more a feeling of not being certain I'm asleep or awake and being uncertain of what size I am. I read about it on the javelin fanjo thread quite recently and immediately recognised it, and more importantly that I'd experienced it since childhood- ie not drunk.

I sound like a complete loon .

helpyourself that does sound like a nightmare!

got home with good intentions, i will be patient with dd, will not overreact - and here i am, hiding in my bedroom.

alias what does she do that winds you up? DD, with whom I was stranded for an extra 5 nights chews gum, really noisily and looks, imho, shocking. However having snapped at her in the queue on the way into the US I looked around and noticed more than half the people around us were too. I made a conscious decision to let that one go. Can you decide what matters and what you can let go?

joey I think it is sign of being a GOOD parent that your growing child can rebel against you. At that age they like to push boundaries, it's part of how they grow up and grow confident, and learn. I think they push against their parents because that is where they feel most secure, trying out bad behaviour because there is a deep knowing that they WILL be loved. It was a tough time in our household - lots of door slamming - some of it from me (just to bust any myths that people had about the ever-calm venus )

WOW! help I used to get that as a child, often when I was dropping off to sleep - I had forgotten about it, but I can recall the feeling in an instant (and it is a little like getting drunk). I used to find it quite comforting, that strange place between awake and asleep (once I'd got over the idea that it was a punishment for masturbating )

Joey I feel exactly the same way about my pre-teen DD - I could have written your post! In fact, I've been noticing that rows with her are one of my biggest 'triggers' I feel like I must be an awful Mum - and really miss how close we were a few years ago.

Thanks for asking green, my appointments were both good and shocking at the same time.

My visit to the Dr's yesterday was eye opening. One of my liver enzymes should be about 45 but is, in fact, 200!! (bloods were done on day 5 of being sober - on day 19 now). Nothing else was too alarming and she said, with abstinence, my liver should recover well/completely. She's given me more Campral (phew!) but also some high dose thiamine (vitamin B1) and some high dose vitamin B compound - I'm hoping they help increase my energy levels. I've got to go back for further blood tests in Jan and then back to her to see if my poor liver is feeling better. Having read some of your posts about your Doc's I appreciate I've been lucky with mine.

The Alcohol Services were great. The woman was practical, humorous and mostly helpful. Lots of chat about the whole subject. She said I have to find different coping strategies for the stress the DC bring (I'm a single parent of three - ages 6,9 and 11), but no real ideas of what - nor have I?! Still, going back before the end of the month to chat more. One of the things she said shocked me. Apparently several of her other 'Mums' had been 'dobbed' in to the social services by the children's teachers after they had smelled alcohol on the mum's breath! Bloody hell, that's scary!!

Had the ECG this morning and, luckily, for a change, the ol' ticker was playing up as it has been for the past 4/5 weeks. The info was that there was something 'unusual' about the reading so I have an appointment for Thursday to see what it is and what/if anything can be done.

Feeling pretty good just now. Not had too many cravings over the past week (although I am supported in that by the Campral) and I'm not thinking about alcohol much at all. (Not smug or complacent as I know the Wine Witch can strike at any time.) Added to that - I've lost 8lbs now!

venus [grins]!

Sending you strength, green, to get through today without the 'misery juice'!!

Good luck to everyone tonight. Thanks for being there. Be strong Babes. x

Purple that's great, the weight is falling off you now - I'll hold that thought! I am in awe of single parents. I have only one child and a husband and I find parenting hard - I salute you ladies!

Blimey, you learn something new everyday on this thread! AIWS sounds both intriguing and disturbing. It makes me wonder if I had something similar as a child; basically I'd be lying in bed and then almost imperceptibly the walls would start to oscillate and appear to be moving in on me. I knew it wasn't going to stop and I had to get out of the room and find my mother. It happened several times and I definitely wasn't dreaming.

Dippy don't worry about the minute amount of alcohol in toiletries etc. Also just to say although I started off on 200mg Antabuse daily (the recommended dose), I now break the tab in half and just have 100mg. It's enough of a deterrent for me and I'm sure I'd still get pretty sick if I drank on it. Nice to know you're around Help - you sound very content. I'll remember to try and ground myself next time a craving strikes. I haven't had any today and once 5pm has been and gone I know I'm safe.

I'm in heaven.... Belvoir ginger cordial, diluted with pressed apple juice (the cloudy type) and tonic....... try it.

started to explain, but it sounds so petty! it boils down to lack of respect, and that winds me up. the cbt seems to be helping ( me, not her) i guess its like sobriety, you have to keep practising and sometimes it feels like you're getting nowhere, but you keep going and it becomes a habit.

purple now i feel guilty, i have it easy really, compared to being a single parent with 3 kids

I feel I've overshared, it's all a bit woo, but interesting that many on this thread recognise it. I mentioned it as I felt it was a trigger; and because rather than going with it I was able to identify it and make it go away.

OK, alias- lack of respect. Does she talk to other people differently? Do you think she doesn't respect you, and how does this lack of respect show?

For instance, does she show it by shouting at you, or by talking to you as if you were peers. I tolerate the latter, but not the former; ie let it wash over me if I get a text speak text although it makes my eyes bleed

It may be that you have to let some of it go- viz my gum intolerance. interestingly she became a lot less smacky lipped and I noticed when I was stressing out (we were struggling to find a hotel post Hurricane Sandy) she quietly binned the gum and was 100% thoughtful and quiet around me.

If her lack of respect actions really are intolerable but you feel she does respect you can you, not in the heat, of the moment explain how when she does x, how it makes you feel, ie 'Granny would have been very angry if I left dirty clothes on the floor when I was your age and when you do it, it makes me feel you don't respect me'.

Joey Don't feel guilty - I don't think pre-teen girls are easy for anyone - ever - whatever their situation is!

This weekend we had a massive row because, despite what I said (to her and her Dad!), she conned talked her Dad into buying her some cheap earrings for her 10 week old pierced ears. She wore them at her Dad's for 2 days and even slept in them. Then, she comes home to me in tears because her ear is painful and she can't get one of her studs in any more. The upshot is that she's now going to have to wait for between 6 weeks and 6 months for the infection to clear before she has the ear pierced again! So, now, she's moaning and being all upset because she can't wear her earrings! Sheesh! She will not listen - she knows better at 11 than I do at 50 - apparently! She drives me up the wall! No wonder I needed something to blur the edges. I just don't know what to turn to now that I can't turn to alcohol?

Green The huge difference is that when I was drinking, I craved carbohydrates the next morning - and indulged! Would often buy myself a fresh un-cut loaf and have at least half the loaf, sliced, with butter! I didn't get hangovers but did get a sore stomach lining and convinced myself that something solid would help. Sigh! Stay well. x

Pre-teen girls are hideous things. The 11_13 years were worse than the subsequent ones I think,although they could be lively too. Now the girls are 19 and 21 ( I was a child bride) they have turned back into humans. just DS to survive - he is nearly 11. Dreading it!

purple i can totally identify with that situation! no doubt she will moan about it for months too!

venus i honestly cant put my finger on it, mostly its just ignoring me or defiant or lies (but we cant prove it cause she always has an answer)

Gosh makes a three year old sound easy and glad I had a boy - I understand girls always kick back against their mums - must be really hard but one day my boy will off and marry some lady and not have a bye or leave for his mum and you ladies will be off on shopping trips with grown up daughters, grand kids in tow - I know a long way into the future but they will come back to you - something to hold onto maybe?..... Well i'm in bed, full of cold and the wine witch is downstairs and just won't leave me alone so I've come up here and shut the door!

Ma hideous things !

Yes, Joey, she will and - somehow - it will end up being my fault! I know the 'lies' thing too - so disappointing.

purple said: i just don't know what to turn to now that I can't turn to alcohol.

I feel the same. not finding fulfillment in family, hobbies or work! Dont know if we need to find some fascinating interests, or just accept that actually life is really boring, get used to it.

Hello.

Joey I'm sorry I didn't reply to you way upthread. It's all been a bit hectic.

Greyhound thanks for thinking of me and I'm so so sorry to hear about your dog.

Gugg I'm not sure how much of a success my giving up white wine for October was, tbh. I largely managed it, although it started to slip at the end of the month. I definitely drank more red than I would otherwise have done, but not as much extra as I would have consumed of white, iyswim. I savour the red more, whereas the chilled wine just slips down too easily.

Overall I've been drinking too much again - it's just crept steadily up again and I'm finding it harder to have two alcohol free days per week. Have had some family dramas to deal with and been feeling a bit low. I increased my AD dose, which I usually do in the autumn, and have felt much better this last week.

Joey I feel your pain with DD issues. Mine is just back from a fortnight with my parents and she's come back with a really shitty attitude. I know she finds transitions difficult, but I just won't tolerate being spoken to rudely and snappily - it really pisses me off. I can't imagine ever having spoken to my mother the way DD speaks to me sometimes, yet I'm stricter with her than my mum was with me, I think. I know what you mean about the disrespect, it's the tone of voice and the looks that press my buttons.

I feel like DD is constantly testing the boundaries and pushing against every limit she can find. Also she wants to eat crap constantly (which I won't allow, so we clash frequently), and she's put on loads of weight at my mum's. I'm a bit concerned she might be hitting puberty. She's been very tearful and snappy lately and had a massive growth spurt recently. She towers over other kids her age - she's not ten yet but could easily pass for twelve.

Lovely to hear your news Golden, hope the family issues sort themselves out. Re: drinking, that's the problem I've always had when I think I can control it. After a while it just starts creeping up again until I'm back to square one. Do you think you'll be able to cut back down? And my DD will soon be taller than me so don't worry - they just seem bigger these days and that goes for the feet as well!

Had an almighty row with DD last night with door slamming by both of us. It was all about her attitude and the way she was talking to me. She was all sweetness and light by the time she had to go to bed but it makes me feel as if I'm walking on eggshells. Does anyone else have a problem with getting them to wear a coat in the increasingly cold weather? She maintains she's warm enough but I know it's all about the image. Coat = uncool

No cravings yesterday but too much coffee, thinks it's upping my anxiety levels so will try not to overdo it today. Have a good morning everyone.

That was me by the way - I name-changed for another thread and forgot to change it back!

Golden As you may have read, my DD is very testing - the old 'black is white' sort of thing. She constantly answers back, even though I'm strict and she never gets away with it, she never gives up trying. It's a hard, relentless and for the most part, un-rewarding slog - not what I had envisaged at all! On any one day her hair can be 'disgusting', her clothes 'geeky', her homework 'rubbish' and she'll say 'Kill me now, my life is so horrible' (that last one makes me seethe!!).

One of my problems is opposite to yours - my DD often won't eat. She's very slim (even skinny. She's 11.5 and fits easily into an age 8 skirt!) but insists she's fat! I've tried the usual 'talk' and explained it all but to no avail. How do you make someone eat breakfast - or anything? Her usual 'get-out' moan is that she feels sick (Hmmmm! [sceptical]).

Can you note down your DD's worst mood periods and see if there is a pattern. My DD has definitely fallen in with my 'cycle' and, although no other signs of puberty, seems to suffer from PMT already. I try to be a bit more understanding then. Puberty is starting earlier and earlier in girls these days.

Joey It's a problem, isn't it? I've had it suggested that, in times of stress, I have a shower, buy myself a glossy mag, have a bubble bath, got for a short walk, leave the room etc. I've found none of these work and are often totally impractical. As wrong as having a glass of wine is/was it did actually (in the short term) work. Stark (sober) reality is crap sometimes. I've been a bit more grumpy over the past 20 days and I don't like that one bit. Alcohol Service woman says it's early days and that will level out. I truly hope so.

Green Hope you managed to fight off the Wine Witch last night and that your cold is better?

More stress now - car MOT this morning. Wish me luck, I'm on a tight budget and can't afford anything at all big to be wrong.

<Waves to all the Babes on the Bus and in the Sidecar>

Yes Soma definitely have the 'coat' problem too!! Good luck fighting off the cravings for today. x

Thanks purple yes - locked the wine witch in the cupboard under the stairs. Soba caffeine is definitely a trigger for anxiety, I gave it up completely when I was at my worse - chamomile tea before bed is helpful, also found it good for period pains! xx

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Well day 1 of term yesterday was okay, it was a welcome break for both Nemo and I, we had four different walls to surround us. Still no statement news so I have to chase that if I don't hear this week.

Even when/if we do get awarded full 1 - 1 support, we then have the separation issues to deal with and also the issue of ensuring his 1 - 1 who is currently a member of staff, supports him and him alone, as I do now.

I've been getting up in the night with Nemo and as a result, getting stuck in bed with him which is worse than with DH as Nemo can't help so I have to wait until Dh comes in or upstairs from letting Seth out and seeing DD off to school

We have no respite for this week again. It's time for that conversation.

Purple - Her usual 'get-out' moan is that she feels sick (Hmmmm! [sceptical]) and On any one day her hair can be 'disgusting', her clothes 'geeky', her homework 'rubbish' and she'll say 'Kill me now, my life is so horrible'

I have had this with DD from around 10yrs old. I was on my own with her until we met DH when she was six. It was just the two of us (apart from a 2.5 period where I was in a very abusive relationship, most of which she spent with my parents or her father) but it was always 'us'.

She refuses to eat breakfast, wear a coat in -10 degree conditions, etc........ all of what everyone else has said and more no doubt, or at least different!

We had and still have an incredibly strong relationship and are so similar it's scary. She is the mirror image of me, inside and out at that age and when I dare to mention her 'behaviour' to my DM, she just rolls her eyes and says that it's Karma for all of the shit I gave her.

No tips on how best to handle her, what did she try with etc? So, I sit and talk to DD. I just tell her about what I went through with my DM, how my DM made me feel.

For the most part, it works, and the rest of the time, I have learnt to hold my tongue and remember that actually, this won't last forever, same as with a tantruming toddler. Easy to say of course when it's you that's being told 'I hate you' and that 'life here is horrid'.

DD has a roof over her head, nice clothes, a mobile that's paid for by us, a few friends (issues there are slowly resolving after hours of tears and talking with her ), a loving family, most of the things that she wants, (within reason) and food on the table, again most of which is what she chooses to eat.

It's so hard not to blow up. I could swing for her at times but after taking myself back to where I used to be, I've learnt to take the cutting remarks with a tonne of salt and realise that in a day or two, the real 'reason' for the behaviour will come out.

We both find that if we give each other some space, we settle again. Her menstrual cycle is 28-30 days, mine is 57-68 so we're not in sync as such but I know when she's due to get her period!!

Hello Mouse - that all sounds very hard :-(

Not been too great at the mo, drinking approx twice a week and feeling quite depressed, I think as a result of assorted health problems as well as the drinking.

I'm still trying.

Purple did you get your old banger (sorry if it isn't) through its MOT? I'm on a tight budget too with an ancient though much-loved car (2002 Golf, I call it my old War Horse) and I dread it when the time rolls round for its MOT. Have opened a savings account so I can start putting money aside for a new car (won't buy brand new though) but want to put it off for as long as possible. Both me and DD love the Fiat 500 and since there's normally only two of us + dog, we don't need anything big. Has anyone got one?

What is it with our girls eh? But thanks as ever Mouse for sharing your wisdom and experience. DD has just come in from school, barely said hello and gone up to her room (which is tucked away in the loft) claiming she has loads of homework. Thinking I should go and check to make sure she's not on that damned phone but can't bear the thought of having to discipline her if she is. Thanks for advice about coffee Green, I only had one cup today because it made me feel so jittery yesterday. Managed to talk myself through some cravings at about 2pm - along the lines of "I know this will pass so don't give into them", they didn't get any worse and now I'm past it and know I'm OK. I need to become confident that when I'm off Antabuse I'll be able to resist the cravings and won't be dropping into Sainsburys on the way home from work to pick up a couple of bottles like I used to

Kot, all you can do is keep trying but make sure you're kind to yourself too. Quite a few of us have mentioned feeling depressed/down/anxious at the moment so maybe there's something in the air. I felt pretty bad at work earlier - quite down rather than my usual anxiety - but like the cravings it's passed and I'm looking forward to a cosy evening. How much are you drinking on the nights you do?

Thanks for sharing mouse, I do (usually) try to put some space between us, not 'sweat the small stuff' and try to re-connect with her when she's not behaving like a rattle snake with toothache! She and I are both very similar in nature/temperament too!! I know it will pass but sometimes, coping with it on my own is too hard . One of the worse things I find is to keep forgiving her (when she says sorry) over and over again - sometimes it's so hard not to bear a grudge after all the crap she throws my way. Moan over. She's actually being really nice tonight - even offered to cook the pizza for dinner!

Yes soma it passed!!!! Hoorah! The guy knew how worried I was (this close to bloody Christmas) and was on the phone when I went into the office to find out but still mouthed "It passed!" to me! Bless! It's a 05 Laguna and I do love it but if something big went wrong, I have no idea how I'd cope. For last year's MOT it needed 3 new tyres. I told the children that part of their Christmas present was a new tyre each for the car!! The savings thing is a good idea - for 'car emergencies', funnily enough, I was thinking just that today.

The bad side of the car passing the MOT was the flash craving for a bottle of wine to celebrate. Just got boring Coke instead, though.

Koti Just try to keep trying and be nice to yourself, you're going through a rough time - and keep coming on here and posting, there's always someone with some good advice.

Green DON'T GO IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS TONIGHT! x

Hope all the Babes are warm and OK. x

Soma - No more than a bottle of wine, I usually grudgingly give my husband a couple of small glasses.

Must be the weather, rain, darkness, cold, YUK.

And sodding Christmas always brings on the worries.

Glad your car's ok Purple.

Kotinka - do you think it will escalate from two nights a week? Is that a concern? Purple I'm hiding in my bedroom again - I literally cannot go downstairs or I will open the fridge - Mouse you are a tower of strength and bring sunshine and humility to my day xx

soma you're right, there must be something in the air! dd has been better today, although i did have to grit my teeth when she told me the latest developments in her Best Friends Forever (since yesterday!) drama. it wouldnt matter except she gets so upset when they fall out.

purple thinking about reality being just shit... I read this today: life is not about finding the right answers, but living the experiences or something. I tried to find the actual quote, but can't remember who wrote it. Somebody unpronouncable. It had a double 'e' in the name, thats all i can remember. Heefstadtdr, Leebhoben, something like that... sorry, this is not very helpful is it?! It made sense at the time...

Just checking in babes. Had two glasses and don't feel like any more so will go to bed soon. Re teenage girls - dd1 and I don't have the best relationship,even now that she has outgrown the teen years. Sometimes the best you can hope for is that you can keep the lines of communication open, even if it is only monosyllabic c grunting. You are the adult and sometimes you have to hold the higher
ground.

demented
That's so true about keeping the lines of communication open. Once they're teens I found that prioritising being there for them was the most important part of being their mum.

It is not easy. There are times when I have really had to bite my tongue to stop myself telling dd that she could pack a bag, and her attitude and fuck the fuck out of my house.
She's a pain in the arse but she still needs to know I will be here for her.

it's not easy, but it does get easier the more you do it. I just wish I'd learnt to see what matters and what's important years ago...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

Purple thanks for that. The thought that DD might be hitting puberty is a bit shocking to me as I didn't start my periods until I was 13. DD's always been very big for her age though and she's past my shoulders already with size 5 feet - size 6 in wellies!! Her dad is 6' 3" and I'm almost 5' 8" (would be another inch and a half at least probably if my spine weren't so crooked) so she was never going to be a small lass. I will try keeping note of her (and my!) moods.

BlissfulSoma Big hug for you lovely woman x. Yes I'll be trying to cut down again. I'm cross with myself for my lack of self-control and want to get back that elusive moderation.

mia/golden did anything happen to trigger it? is there anything you could do differently to divert the triggers?

Joey some family issues where I had to be back and forth to a family member's house a lot and giving lots of support. I could do it and dealt with the crisis, but was kind of keeping myself bouyant by drinking (and eating) a bit too much every night. I feel like I crashed a bit emotionally and physically and just want that pleasant numbness every night, particularly with DD coming back and being a bit trying as well.

It's slways been that witching hour for me between 5 and 7 pm when all the good intentions and resolve I've had all day just dissolve. If I can get through those two hours then I'm fine but the devil on my shoulder is hard to resist. i'm full of admiration for you btw - you've been so strong in resisting temptation even when you've been feeling rubbish.

Bit nervous this morning - off to the Doc's to talk about the (unusual) findings of the ECG on Tuesday. Ho hum, has to be done.

Those of you with 'challenging' DD's will be proud of me (hopefully). She decided to wear a pair of black skinny jeans to school today and not the regulation trousers. I gave it a bit of thought..they didn't look tarty, dirty or in bad repair...so, I let her wear them - with the proviso that she may well get picked up at school for a 'non-uniform' item, but I thought I'd let the school tell her, she wasn't going to listen to me, and we could avoid another argument! Result!

Golden My friends daughter is 9 (and a bit on the larger side) and has already started her periods! Yikes!

Ma I have to be so careful what I say as her Dad lives less than 4 miles away and is soft as shit butter. She'd only have to call him and he'd come and get her - in the interest of peace, you understand!

Green If/when you are feeling strong, could you consider chucking the wine down the sink? Or, if you are anything like me, leave the wine somewhere where it will get warm (white only!), I couldn't stand warm wine! Good luck.

Koti Hope you are feeling better today?

Joey Thanks for the half quote!

Today is my 3 week anniversary. In the dark, alcoholic days, I never thought I would get here. Feeling calm.

Right, of to the surgery. Hugs to everyone that needs one! (( ))

Purple good news about the car. Like a rattle snake with toothache - priceless Golden my DD's dad is 6'3" as well so she could easily end up at almost 6' wearing shoes the size of boats. Joey what is it with girls? One moment they're all loved up and then they fall out and it's always a drama. But nothing's changed, it was the same in my day.

I'm prepared for my cravings today and am going to write some phrases down on a card to repeat to myself to help get past them. Golden if you know 5-7pm is going to be the hardest time, can you plan to do something that will help take your mind off it? But it's so hard, when it strikes and you really want a drink, it just seems inconceivable not to go for it...

Kot as Greeneyed says, do you think it will escalate from two nights? I rarely drank every night but used to start off with a bottle twice a week, then it become a bottle every other night and then eventually almost two every other night. I couldn't drink every day because I was too hungover. And that's one of the best things about not drinking - I can't believe that I spent practically half my life willing for the day to end so I could climb into bed and finally sleep it off. And all for a couple of hours of feeling warm and fuzzy.

Fed up. Thinking up quitting mirtazapine.

Not drinking.

What's up Green? Anything we can help with? If you want a rant moan you can Inbox me if you like. Hope you are feeling a bit better than 2 hours ago. Hang on in there, it's nearly the weekend. x

Sorry, meant Joey (durrrr!)- It's been a lonnnnng week and it's still only Thursday.

What is the mirtazapine for Joey, if you don't mind me asking. Is it safe to just quit?

purple thanks, at first the gp said i had cfs, but another time he mentioned depression. although i wasn't depressed then, but do feel like it now...

i have a doctors appt, no idea what to say to him

Can you write it down Joey, I'm rubbish I seem to leave having not said anything I meant to - I have handed them a piece of paper before for them to read, listing all symptoms, time frames etc generally anything I want to say but will instantly forget or become incapable of doing so when I get in there. I don't know the meds you are on - could this be a side effect?

Joey I always go in with a list as I can't remember anything any more - write it down, the anxiety, being emotional, going over & over stuff plus all the rest that you may not have mentioned. Good luck xxx

Purple & Soma I'm not letting it escalate, but it's a struggle, it so easily could. I really would like to get back to once a week or none at all.

Thanks for being there :-) Very much appreciated.

Hope everyone's doing ok? Missing quite a few of our ladies, if you're lurking, pop in.

thanks you guys. Your sympathy and the kindness of the GP have made such a difference. (I always half-expect to be thrown out to make room for 'real' patients)

The GP (not the one who I saw originally saw) thought maybe my moods were all over the place because 4 months ago I stopped taking the seroxat after 10 years. And the low-dose mirtazapine didn't really do much, plus it was giving me all these side-effects.

So he suggested go back on an SSRI, but changed it to fluoxetine (prozac) instead of seroxat (not sure why, except that there is a possibility in my mind that long-term use of seroxat triggered the insomnia?)

And quit mirtazapine, which he said I could do straightaway as its not an SSRI and shouldn't have too many withdrawal problems. And hope that my brain has 're-set' the sleep patterns. Thats the only part that worries me - in case my insomnia and fatigue return....

He was pretty vague about the whole CFS/depression diagnosis. ('Nobody really knows' were his words ) He did suggest quitting everything and see what happened, but the sheer panic on my face led us to re-think that idea 'in the spring' !

And I'm not drinking.

kotinka it is a struggle, isn't it? I really find this Bus and the people on it help so much. I hope I can give something back one day.

alias you are already giving back. Every time you post on here, you help me. Whether I identify, remember, think not me yet, or remind me of what it's like to drink or bargain or be hungover, or celebrate an af day, you're helping all the BBs.

Joey I am on fluoxetine has been marvelous - had some side effects for first couple of weeks then they went, has really changed my life - amazing for not drinking well done girl xx

Quick check in. Brother has fallen off the wagon big time with major binge. He's in a bad way. Swears he'll go to AA this time,get help. Heard it all before.mother is away and he promised, PROMISED he wouldn't drink when she was away. He has already broken her heart. I am so angry with him, and so bloody sad.

Where is he Demented in relation to you, I mean- not a postcode?
Can you take him to a neeting?

oh ma you have so much else on your plate and now this! I can't help thinking that you need to focus so much on your own family, and maybe he should stop relying on you/your mum (is he quite young then?) but that sounds too harsh.

I just mean, prioritise. You, your kids, whats left of your marriage. But you first. You have to be strong for yourself first, otherwise other people suck whats left of your strength out...

Definitely, alias, and if he'd broken his leg, I wouldn't suggest you took him to the dr, but in this case, taking him to AA could be just what you need too.

He's the eldest, he's 51 and my older brother. Long history of alcohol abuse and working abroad. Lonliness is a big factor. Gave up his last job a few weeks ago - not
alcohol related for once - and back living with my mother until he finds something else. Lots and lots of other issues and baggage but basically had a big binge last week when mum was away visiting sis abroad. He broke down when she came back,admitted it, said he would get help, swore blind he was being hones this time, that he would get help, that he wouldn't blame us if we disowned him etc. This was Monday. Mum went away again Tuesday to visit an old friend and gave him his last ultimatum, not to drink when she was away. He was shaking and crying and swore blind he wouldn't. I hugged him and said I was there to help him. Today he phoned DH at lunchtime and said "help me" He was already drunk. DH has been brilliant, I have to say. my issues with him do not blind me to his qualities when it comes to helping others.If bro doesn't phone one of the help agencies tomorrow I will be so angry. I can't help him if he won't help himself.

your poor mum. and brother. alcohol is poison. I'm really starting to see that now. it just destroys families.

there was an advert on the radio last week: wine tastes better listening to music, and music sounds better with wine.

what a crock of... yes, I can understand people saying wine tastes nice. But to say music sounds better when drinking?!

demented. It's so hard, so close to home and such a distraction for you and your drinking/ not drinking.
Look after yourself- and I mean that in a robust put yourself first not in a 'have a bath with candles way'.

ma , I hope your bro gets himself to a local alcohol team as it sounds like he might need more than AA....maybe a bit of a detox and counselling? I am sorry if this has already been said. would never generalise about AS, but round where I live, quite a few people have found them a bit rigid, and found the launch into 12 steps too much, and had scared then away.that's why I was thinking local alcohol team could help with some lower level counselling/access to detox and rehab.every substance misuse team is obliged to let any client request funded detox and rehab.

AA, sorry, not AS.
I am on day 4 of detox (at home).parents been fab with helping look after my two young sons. hate the idea of not drinking again, but hate the idea of my life falling apart further even more.
hard with xmas coming up, wider family and friend just want to get everyone drunk!

yes, he definitely needs some very in depth counselling. and yes, it is close to home. oh, the irony.....will it stop me drinking?????
thanks for your support.

Glad to see you're bringing it back to you. Try and do that today, whenever you find your head spinning with DBs situation, check yourself and whether it's a 'trigger' or a 'yet' or you identify with him.

Kot glad it's not escalating, you're doing well, we're here if you wobble. Joey you are very much a "real" patient and GPs take issues like yours very seriously. I think Prozac is a good idea, my brother's just started it after being on Seroxat for 17 years. He's been trying to get off Seroxat for ages and has never quite managed it because of the horrendous withdrawal symptoms but he's managed it this time and seems a bit better. For the first time, I'm hopeful about him.

Ma what's happening with your brother touched me deeply. Not least because I have a brother (the aforementioned one) who sounds rather similar. He's 53, unemployed, single after the break-up of a significant relationship and living with my parents because he can't afford to rent, let alone buy. He's a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for two years (he used to go on horrendous benders) and has significant mental health issues. I'm very close to him and want to help him too.

Living with my parents is really bad for him, he has a toxic relationship with our controlling OCD father who has never shown him an ounce of love and mum is co-dependant and smothers him. I would not have considered this before because he was drinking but I was wondering if I should ask him to come and live with me. It's just me and DD and we have enough room, he's very considerate and we have a lot in common. I really want him to make a go of things and it just ain't going to happen whilst he's living with my parents. It's a big step and I don't want to rush into anything, but what does everyone think?

Ma you are a lovely sister and I do so hope your brother really accepts he needs help this time and does something about it. Stuff like this destroys families

ma yet I could so identify with your brother - promising himself and others that this would be it - no more drinking, "that's it I'm done" (and really, really meaning it and believing it at the time). And then finding myself in the grip of something mad, illogical, unhealthy, unwanted, yet so so compelling.

It's interesting thinking about how illogical our need for alcohol makes us. Lots been posted over recent days about teen/pre-teen dds..... and logically if they came to us and said "I'm bored / worried / anxious / fed-up /pissed off with the world in general / pleased about something etc" I doubt that a single one of us would say - oh well, never mind, the thing that I've always found works in that situation is to have a few glasses of wine - just to take the edge off, here you go pre-teen dd reward yourself / console yourself with alcohol.

That would seem crazy, in fact abusive. Yet that's what I do with my 'inner-teen' when she is bored / pissed-off etc. I still tell her that a glass of wine would make it better. Then my 'inner-straight-laced-aunt' tells reminds me that I'm not drinking, and that it would make things worse, not better. So my inner-me then feels a bit put-out, and that life's not fair, and I sulk a bit.

So what would I really like to tell myself? That I love ME - whatever. That sometimes i don't like my behaviour, but I still love me. That sometimes life is shit, but that doesn't mean my love for me has disappeared. That sometimes things really do feel a bit better in the morning (and that sometimes they don't). That actually there are moments when all the effort feels worthwhile.

Apologies for the multiple-personality posting. I'm off to treat all of us to a cup of tea and a doughnut

amazing post, Venus

venus your thought-provoking posts always make me smile "inner-teen feels put-out"

Morning, tis me Mouse

Ma - like you don't have enough to deal with? You are absolutely right in saying that if your DB won't help himself then you can't either. It HAS to be him, like it HAS to be YOU/ME/US that make the decision to get help.

Not 'thinking about the options, rolling them around our heads, mulling things through' kind of help........ real help. Professional help from people who have the resources to help him stop killing himself and destroying his life and the lives of those around him.

Great post by venus and oh so true. The more someone says that you can't r shouldn't have something, the more we want it..... we're all guilty of that whether it be alcohol, drugs, chocolate or cheese

An addict is a dangerous person..... they lie about so many things and put themselves into harms way all of the time. False promises, false hopes for those who want the addict to stop, please, please just STOP.

It's so hard for you Ma, you have so much of your own shit to deal with. I'm really pleased to read that your DH has helped, I really am. As you very rightly said, this is not your relationship issues, this is separate, this is outside of the two of you. I'm pleased he's stepped up

Sorry for the quick post but it's school time now, will check back later. I just wanted to put a few words down. Thinking of you ma xxxx

just had the most hilarious confused conversation with my dm. She is elderly and quite confused by things anyway, and I'd been chatting on the phone to her a few days ago about a tradesman who was coming to my house to give me an estimate.

This morning dm is asking me all kinds of odd questions about how the tradesman managed to do his job. Much ?? ?? from me. She wanted to know if he had a dog. Much ?? ?? from me. How did he get there? err in his van... With a driver? err no.... ??

At last I realised! We're getting blinds fitted. And dm thought there was a blind man coming to the house.

Ma
There's a joke about a nun in the bath and the blind man knocks...

Hope all is going well with all the BBs today. Any weekend plans that need sabotaging? I'm struggling with a whole stack of post hurricane and new job admin. Stuff that was a trigger in the past, but now I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. Boring grown up stuff, but it works.

helpyourself thats one thing the Bus has taught me, is that Real Life can be boring, so what, just get on with it.

Actually being drunk does not alleviate boredom, it just gives you something else to focus on, like not falling over or throwing up.

I think I had a boing earlier, although it may have been Gerald going over a pothole. Just the realisation that I have I'm managing it (just)

alias award yourself that boing. You deserve it!
AA talks about the only emotions we feel when drinking are depression excitement and boredom; that was certainly true for me. I now feel mainly satisfaction and contentment. And that's really exciting!

at Gerald going over a pothole. who the heck is driving these days anyway?
soma your brother and mine sound alike. I think if you want to have him at your home, have room and he is not a danger to you or DD, then getting him away from a negative relationship with parents might be a big help
mouse thank you for the kind words as always. What I have to deal with is a fraction of what you cope with, so shu - uuuuuuuuuuuup!
venus wise words as always my friend.

soma I can't remember where you are in your 'sobriety journey'. If its early days or you're on and off the bus or in the sidecar, it might be hard for you both. Could he perhaps come and stay for a while, without moving out of you parents' house? You could support each other without being trapped.

soma thats a tricky one, what do your parents think of the idea?

Joey haven't said anything to my parents yet - don't want to get my dad's hopes up too much, he'd be overjoyed if my bro moved out! Help that might be the sensible thing to do, have him to stay for a bit as it's still quite early days for me. It does do him so much good to stay with me and he's so appreciative, we'll see....

Any developments with your brother Ma? What's everyone doing tonight?

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Ma - you're in my thoughts no matter how much shit I have, that's what friends are for, virtual or otherwise xx

Testing day today with a little boy who knows his boundaries are wide open right now and is pushing every last one of them to the absolute limit...... He did have the decency to say sorry eventually for hitting another child, said child then hugged him and I cried.

New car for DH for Monday, old company car goes, friends here tomorrow, my folks and my darling bro's new GF who I have yet to meet, are coming over Sunday so a busy weekend and week to follow.

I have been advised by a very dear and close friend that the best course of action with the lack of Nemo's Statement for preschool is to contact the Director of Education. So, that's my next step.

WRT respite, we have a new carer coming on Wednesday along with the manager who I have been in contact with. I'm hoping that we will get along well, and that Nemo will like her too.

It's all so bloody much. But I'm sober and I know that if I wasn't, I'd not be able to fight his corner and he needs me to more than ever right now.

Sorry for the 'me' post, just thought I'd update. Hope everyone is kicking the Wine Witch in the crotch tonight........ don't waste your weekend, do something different, new, or just relax. Have a PJ day, shop, go to visit a friend last minute...... test yourself. See if you can have a sober night, a sober few hours.

Be Brave xx

Hey all. Bro downed a bottle of wine this morning in less than half an hour. On the plus side, he has registered with gp and contacted an alcohol abuse agency. He seems to be in an odd place where he is now open about his drinking yet not stopping it. Is this progress? He told dh that he did buy another bottle yesterday afternoon after DH left, but that he emptied half of it out. Don't know if he's telling the truth or not, but if he did it would be progress as he is usually unable to stop once he starts. Dh is doing a sterling job I have to say.

I'm glad DH is stepping up ma. Your DBs behaviour sounds very like mine at the end of my drinking. I knew I was an alcoholic and couldn't drink normally and so stopped even trying. There was about 6 weeks between it being out in the open and my last drink. The only thing you can do now is keep him safe. Does he drive? Can DH take his car keys? It sounds like he knows his drinking days are numbered, just help him accept the help he needs.

helpyourself ah yes, the knowing that your drinking days are numbered stage, but not ready to do anything about it. not that I was quite as bad as mas brother, but I do remember that feeling of "can't help myself, may as well drink".

If I remember right, the next stage is believing you can do controlled drinking. and failing. your bro has at least made the first step, but it could take a while. I hope you get lots of help and support ma

he has hahalf a bottle today and put the rest in the bin as he said he didnt want mum coming home to evidence of his binge.
I went in with mum when I dropped her off as I wasn't sure what she would find but he is clear-eyed and positive. he had made a pot of tea and put bisdcuits out on a plate - it was quite sad - like small child seeking approval,
However he was very open, said that there could be no more hiding etc. He is going to AA tomorrow afternoon and has an appointment on November 23rd with the regional alcohol abuse service for counselling. he had phoned them himself to arrange this.
We shall see, bu in his support tonight I will not be drinking.

Checking in
love to everyone, no time to read back yet.
Still here. Still in the sidecar.
Catch you later

I'm trying the roofrack tonight - it's a bit scary up here. My main aim will just be to relax and enjoy it, not get anxious when the end of the bottle draws near, and not feel resentful when its finished. Not sure if it will be worth it!

And of course NOT let it be the start of the slippery slope. It's like a love/hate relationship.

watching capercaillie on tv. ma well done on your efforts to support your brother.

actually, I tried to find some low-alcohol wine, but admit I didn't look very hard. I did notice that m&s had increased their range of smaller size bottles.

Just had a hot chocolate tonight.battled the wine witch hard earlier on and she seems to have fucked off now. Go steady Alias

only got a small bottle (500 ml) its all I allow myself. and after it's finished, thats it til next weekend.

Mixed feelings; its nice while it lasts, but I've been obsessing about it all day and quite anxious in the couple of hours before opening it.

plus my typing has gone to pot and i have to re-write everything.

are you going for nothing at all during the week alias?
I am wondering if now is the time to really go for total abstinence, but just dont feel in my gut its the way for me. Given what my bro is going through I am ashamed that I'm not making more of an effort, hence the Day 1 yesterday.
incidentally, WTF do I have the mother of all hangover headaches this morning?
That hot chocolate is dangerous stuff!!!

Ma, sounds hopeful about your brother. AA worked for my bro, he got a sponsor and took it very seriously for quite a while but doesn't seem to have the need to go now. Joey are you at the stage where you're trying controlled drinking? Do you feel it will work? I'm having friends for dinner next weekend and want to do beouf bourguignon and always like to use almost a bottle of burgundy in it. Will I react to the alcohol as I'm on antabuse? Half of me wants to stop taking it because the thought of not being able to eat one of my favourite dishes just seems absurd. I don't want to drink but I do want to be able to eat what I like....

Me and DD spent quite a trying day at my 80-something parent's house yesterday. Dad has got OCD and is depressed and taciturn apart from when he's ordering people about, mum fusses endlessly about feeding everyone and moans about dad and the English (she's German), my brother who lives with them behaves like a spoilt child and blames my dad for absolutely everything, including the fact that he's living there....It's as if there's a heavy grey cloud of negativity hanging over the place and it makes me feel very disloyal but it's such a relief to leave. Sadly DD feels the same and she's their only grandchild. I used to drink to cope with the visits and without the pleasant haze of booze it seems even more toxic.

can't believe I wrote last night I was only having 500ml - who was I trying to justify it to? ma? the Bus? myself??

yes i think i could manage controlled drinking - but not sure its even worth it. it did my head in yesterday planning it, waiting, anticipating... and then resenting it when I'd finished. I almost feel relieved that its over and i don't have to think about it for another week.

even after i'd finished I stayed up too late surfing, which is what I always do when drinking. And I got acid reflux in the night - nasty.

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Joey - I'm trying the roofrack tonight - it's a bit scary up here. My main aim will just be to relax and enjoy it, not get anxious when the end of the bottle draws near, and not feel resentful when its finished. Not sure if it will be worth it!

actually, I tried to find some low-alcohol wine, but admit I didn't look very hard. I did notice that m&s had increased their range of smaller size bottles.

Mixed feelings; its nice while it lasts, but I've been obsessing about it all day and quite anxious in the couple of hours before opening it.

plus my typing has gone to pot and i have to re-write everything.

Reading those few lines makes me feel that at first you seemed okay with the initial thought of climbing up onto the roof rack, but then you seemed really deflated at the end of the wine, and you knew you would too IYSWIM?

I wonder how many of us look (or have looked) at the back of the wine label to see what the alcohol % is and if it was 8%, put it right back, almost in utter horror at the thought of drinking something so weak?

You said Joey about a smaller bottle too, for me, I would have bought two bottles, telling myself I'd just have the one, saving the other for the next night or having it there 'just in case'

I know I've not been keeping up with where everyone wants to be with their drinking but what is it you are aiming for today?

Massive X post, sorry Joey

Soma - families? Yuk! Small doses in my experience works just great for me, mine are arriving later today. We're meeting my brother's new GF. He too has only just left the family home at 26. TBF he's left before but had to go back but now he's got his own place and a nice new lady friend [eye roll at my mother] so I'm looking forward to seeing them, but very aware that in days gone by, family = two/three shots of vodka before the arrival of my mother..........

Ma - I am wondering if now is the time to really go for total abstinence, but just don't feel in my gut its the way for me. Given what my bro is going through I am ashamed that I'm not making more of an effort, hence the Day 1 yesterday.

I think you have to be really honest here and ask yourself if you actually want to stop. Your bro should be enough to scare you off drink for life and for some, that would be enough wouldn't it? For those who have never used drink to numb the pain, soften the blow, blur the edges.

Or watching a loved one slowly killing themselves again would be enough to make you/other never touch another drop..........

Honestly, I don't think it's that easy for you to do. If you could take all of the other shit that's going on out of the equation, and it just be about your brother, then maybe yes, you could do it in a heartbeat?

I'm not saying that you're a failure, or you can't do it, just that you need to shut everything else out and do it for you, because of YOU.

You know how this Bus works, we're all here for support, we're here because we all need to let shit out and ask for support and advice and tell each other about the way alcohol affects us, our families, lives, work, money...... everything!

If you really want to abstain, then go for it Ma! Bloody well go for it! I'll be right by your side for one, and I know that I won't be alone. Do it Ma, do it today, do it because you can. xxx

<hopes that emotional waffle isn't too OTT>

Hi, I'm new here and I think I need to stop drinking.

I've just poured away all of the alcohol in my house, and I've looked up local AA meetings. Tomorrow I'll go and see my Gp. I drink too often, too much, can't stop once I start. My life is falling apart around me, I'm falling apart. I've lost friends. I'm a single parent with no family for support and I need to sort myself out NOW for the sake of my children. I'm all they have and they need me to be better than this.

WorryDoll - you've made a huge step forward getting to this point. Well done! It's hard but it makes a bit difference, to your ability to be a mum, to your body, to your wallet.

Let us know how you're finding it. Lots of good tips here, just ask if you need ideas :-)

worry welcome to the bus, I'm sure you will find loads of support and advice here - I definitly have.

mouse it was all a bit deflating, and the reflux was awful. But I did catch myself having a stupid thought and manage to stop it! I started to think "I've worked hard today, I deserve this". Actually even before I finished thinking it, I realised what a lie that was. Can't use that as justification for drinking! The Bus has taught me well.

soma can't you do it without the wine? it will taste different but it wont taste awful, will it?

Thank you

I have found a local AA meeting that I will go to on Tuesday evening.

I'm a bit scared, embarrassed, ashamed of the way I've behaved over the last few months. Feeling quite lost, and alone. Today I'm cleaning the house up a bit, I have had a shower. that's more than I have managed all week.

I think that's kind of normal, I felt like that too when I realised that my bit of fun had become a full blown problem.

But you're not alone, and you're doing something about the problem, so this shows your strength.

I'm quite ashamed of myself for letting everything get so bad before I decided to do anything about it, but I suppose that's not really helpful and all I can really do now is try and make things better.

I have a friend who had a similar problem years ago and has stopped drinking. i am going to call her for a chat this evening when the kids are in bed i think.

Sounds a good idea, but try not to lean on your friend too much for support initially. Some people find it hard to revisit all those emotions & stuff once they've got past it. Play it by ear & you'll know if she's happy to talk to you about it.

But there's always someone on here if you need a vent :-)

I won't, I'm not very good at leaning on people at all. I never ask for help when I should, that's probably why I'm in this mess now. I was just going to talk to her about the AA meeting and what to expect really.

I can't stop crying today, I feel like such an idiot.

aww worry don't be afraid to let it all out, at least here it is anonymous. you might feel some really strong emotions come to the surface, and want to drown them out with alcohol... we have to find new ways of dealing with those emotions.

hi koti how are you doing?

You're at a point of change - looking back with regret, looking forward at a scary journey you probably don't even feel you want to do, but you know you should.

It's hard & emotional, having a bit of a cry might help :-)

I've got too much to get sorted out to sit around crying. I have benefits issues, housing problems, health problems and I'm just trying so hard to not let my children see any of it. They're 12 and 13 though, they're not stupid, they know things aren't right.

Worry I wrote almost exactly the same as you have a few weeks ago. I'm a single parent with no family help either. Like you, I'm really rubbish at asking for help when I need it - I feel like I should be able to cope by myself. The shame and guilt you feel is just how I felt and I couldn't understand how I could do that to my 3 DC.

My break was getting my courage together (because I was in a very bad place, crying, drinking, crying, drinking some more), going to the Docs and telling her the whole truth - not half the story like I had done before. I was treated with sympathy, kindness but also a lot of reality. The difference for me this time was having to admit to myself that I just can't drink anything. I cannot be a social drinker - much sadness reaching this decision but it's a fact. Not everyone is the same, though.

I'm on day 24 of not drinking now and if someone had told me that 25 days ago, I would not have believed them. I'm not going to feel complacent - because that's what I did the last time, and it didn't work. You know the old saying "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same result" (Or something like that!) Christmas is looming and, although we are suppose to take one day at a time, it's on my mind more than I'd like. I'll need to stay strong.

I wish you lots of luck and hope you get a really good, proactive doctor. Keep posting here, it really helps, we know where you 'are' just now, we've been there. Best of luck.

<Waves to all the Babes on the Bus and scratches chin wondering if Green is OK?>

That's pretty much the size of it. I should be able to do everything, because there's nobody else to do it, other people manage it so why can't I? I feel a massive failure, I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now. This year has been absolutely hideous, and I can't keep going on at my friends, I don't have very many of them as it is and I know I'm pissing them off.

I can't drink at all, I have realised that now, once I start I just cannot stop. I know I have to stop entirely. all of my very minimal social life revolves around drinking, so that'll be out of the window too now. I'm so fed up of being on my own all the time. All day while the kids are at school, all evening when they're in bed. i can't remember the last time I spoke to an actual adult human being. Actually yes I can, I saw a friend for an hour on Tuesdaym previous to that it was about a month.

24 days is brilliant, I don't think I've gone 24 days without a drink in years. Christmas won't be too much of an issue, I'm not working so no work Christmas stuff to deal with, my few friends will be busy with their family stuff so it'll just be me and the kids.

My doctor is really good, I'm just hoping I can get in to see him and not a locum, I don't think I can tell all this to a locum. I have found an AA meeting tomorrow lunchtime after a bit more looking online, I think I'm going to go.

Hey Worry, more similarities! I have all day whilst they are at school with no-one to talk to and my evenings are the same as yours. This weekend the DC have been with the ex so I haven't spoken to anyone in person since Friday at about 6pm . I made myself get up, have a bath and go out to town today, even though I didn't need anything, just so as I didn't stay in bed.

I'm feeling much better but still don't have the energy I was hoping for. Still, I'm trying to be kind to myself and just as long as I don't drink, I'm doing OK. You need to be kind to yourself too, it's f**king difficult, looking after children on your own and it's no wonder you turned to something to 'help' except, our 'sensible' brain knows it doesn't help at all.

You mention your social life revolving around drinking - I've found it's the thought of not drinking when I go out is worse than actually not drinking when I'm out. Don't know if that makes any sense but I've managed 2 trips to the pub (couldn't get out of it) and it was only when I got home I realised that I'd had a good time just drinking tonic water.

You are not a massive failure - you've recognised that you need to try and change and you are making efforts to that end, that says loads of good things about you. Don't hate yourself, it won't help, please try to be a little easier on yourself.

Fingers crossed that you get your GP and good luck with the AA meeting. Have you been before? Let us know how it all goes.

Hugs!

My kids don't see their dad, so it's just us all of the time. I don't think I need to be too concerned about going to the pub, I have only been out twice this year, socially.

I think I'm depressed, I know I am, and I need to address that too when I speak to the doctor.

I can't help feeling that am a massive failure though. I'm pretty sure we're going to be evicted soon (well it's a bit more complicated than that, but it's long and boring and either way we're ending up homeless), I won't get rehoused by the council because I have an old rent debt from my ex, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my children because I will have nowhere for us to live and no way of getting a deposit for a place, or getting a landlord to let us live in their house, my benefits have just been stopped because I didn't attend an ATOS medical that I hadn't received the letter about, but they've decided that's not a good enough reason and my house is an absolute tip.

I will try and be a bit easier on myself, I just need to stop being such an idiot and get out there and ask for some help now, because I really do need it. I just don't know where to start any more.

No, sorry, I have not been to an AA meeting before. I have never even thought about quitting drinking before tbh.

Worry Perhaps a visit to the Citizen's Advice Bureau might help (but if you get a doddery old posh bird with short term memory problems (like I did) have the strength to go back and ask for someone else). They can sit down and work out benefits and housing problems. It might not be as hopeless as you think. Please say you'll try them - as well as the Docs and AA, obviously??

You've already started! - by making an appointment with the Doc and planning a visit to AA. As Koti said - you are at your point of change.

Keep going and keep posting. x

worry you are NOT a failure, stop labelling yourself that. You have a lot on your mind, stress about money, housing etc. And yet you still cope (just about!) with 2 kids.

Now you are trying to overcome a physical addiction, that's bloody hard and you should give yourself credit for even thinking about it. If one of your kids came to you with a problem, would you tell them that they were a failure?! No, you'd say 'You need help, we'll sort this out together.'

Yes, I will go to the CAB this week too, I need to make a list of all the things I need to do. I've just been hiding from it all and ignoring it and now I think it's too late to fix any of it.

worry, just a thought, try calling shelter..they support people with housing problems.also, consumer credit counselling service will give you good support.apologies if have tried these already, but if you have not, please try.also, if you access your local alcohol service and get a key worker, they should be able to help you out

Don't give up Worry! Drinking alcohol makes us depressed, unable to deal with 'real life' efficiently and costs us money that could be put to much better use. The short relief we get from drinking isn't worth the shit it causes to our mental, emotional and physical well being. It disables us. It's never too late to try and make what you have better. You've made some really positive steps already, well done for that!

List making is a great idea, it will give you a focus. If you can hold off drinking, just for tonight, tomorrow you will feel that little bit stronger, a little bit more in control. Take it a step at a time, thinking too far ahead may overwhelm you.

Sending you virtual strength down the internet!

I'm scared that if I get referred to the alcohol/CMHT people they'll take my children, it's all going so wrong. I'm having a bit of a panic. I'm ok, I am not going to drink, but I think I need to go and have a bath and try and calm myself down a bit.

Hi Worry - I was concerned about that too & that's why I made the decision to go it alone. It's hard but possible. The extra support is useful but I'm not the kind of person who wants social services etc asking how I am.

The bus has been my support. While I'm not doing as well as I think I could be, I'm down to less than 2 bottles of wine a week. If you want to do this without the GP & social services, you can. AA will help.

I think I'm going to have to ask for Social Services help with the housing mess though, it's all so complicated. I'll concentrate on tomorrow for now, and going to the meeting, making some phonecalls and see what happens.

Best of luck, sleep well.

Morning Worry Hope you had a good sleep and are feeling a little better today.

I worried, too, about the SS getting involved and the possibility of losing the DC but, the way I was going, it may well have have happened anyway and by me going to the Drs under my own steam (not referred), it showed I wanted to get better and that would have gone in my favour. (My Clinical Alcohol nurse told me teachers were contacting SS after smelling alcohol on Mum's breath.) SS try very hard, were safe, to leave the DC with the parent and support the family rather than split them up.

I totally agree with Koti. The Bus has been a huge help, such lovely people on here! I told my CAN and she thought it was a very positive help.

Good luck today, fingers crossed at the Docs for you. I hope you feel a sense of achievement as you go down your list. Let us know how today goes. Will be thinking of you.

Morning babes

Just checking in.

purple 25 days !!!! WOW! Do you feel brilliant?

worry my heart really goes out to you, you seem to be ready to move on and doing your best to quit. I can see that it's hard for you, so well done for coming here, contacting AA, going to the DRs. I guess that you might be the kind of person who really gets shifting when you need to. I can't say that I've done all that well but one thing that helps me, is to remember that there is only one thing I REALLY have to do today and that is to stay away from the bottle. If I do that then the rest starts to become easier to think through. I do realise that you are in a hard place at the moment though.

Hi babes. I'm studying hard but realising that I don't know how to write the essays [deadline looming] needed for this course. [thicko emoticon]. I stay af some days and hang out in the sidecar on others. it will only ever be ODAAT for me, but today I will not be drinking.

Have a good day babes

Mouse it's small doses of family from now on, good idea. Worry try not to be too concerned about SS getting involved. It happened to me but only after I was arrested (it involved drink of course) and they came round to interview me. But they were reassured after that because I was getting help/remorseful/could see that DD was well cared-for and I didn't hear anything else. Don't let it put you off going to GP/CMHT - they certainly won't involve SS unless they have reason to be concerned.

Kot it's great you're under two bottles - are you hoping to become abstinent or just to control? Joey are you OK today? When are you planning to have your next 500ml?

croak morning all. I ended up in A & E last night unable to swallow and with searing pain in jaw,head and ear. I have the delightfully named Quinsy, or a peritonsillar abscess. Jeez it hurts and the medicine is VILE! Stopped me drinking though so day 3 begins here
worry you are in the right place here. Tackle the housing problem today - shelter is a good idea.one step at a time, one day at a time.

Ma, hope the icky medicine works! Get well soon.

Soma - I waver between wanting to control it & wanting to quit altogether. I'm still over my target. I'd like to get down from 2 to one bottle a week for now, then see if I can stop. How's it going for you?

Joey & Mouse, Morning!

Thurso - did you get that grade problem sorted out?

soma said >> when are you having your next 500ml? - when you put it like that, it sounds quite awful!

It would be next weekend, but I felt it was more trouble than it was worth so not sure...

worry hope you got a good nights sleep and have some plans for today

<climbs on board Gerald sober and on day 3>
<Gently takes keys off Silver and apologises for leaving the bus for weeks and letting her do all the driving>
<Directs healing fairies towards Scotland and sore throats>
<Sets up magic snot-suction device to clear tubes from Nemo her DTs, herself and any other lurgy-afflicted Babes>
<Programmes said snot-suction device to dump it's contents when full directly onto the idiots who fucked up all Thurso's hard work and long hours of study>

<slopes off the make 3-day-tea for herself and Ma and anyone else who wants one>

good morning isinde where have you been? off globe-trotting?

ma quinsy?! I thought that was some mediaval disease like the plague and the pox! I hope you feel better very soon...

feel like shit this morning, slept very badly - I keep getting this bizarre feeling that as I'm dropping off I suddenly awake with a shock. That happened about 10 times last night. I also get night terrors - wake up screaming convinced there is Something in the room (nearly gives DH a heart attack!)

Don't know if its the prozac I've started taking, or the mirtazapine which I am tapering off. All I want is a decent nights sleep.

I know! I love the name of it,if not the symptoms. Modern term is peritonsillar abscess but quinsy makes me feel all plague ridden and leprous. * holds out palsied hand for 3 day old flagon of brew from indie*
And just where the bloody hell have you been anyway?

Oh poor you Ma that sounds horrible!

Although Quinsey does sound like one of those words they used to dredge up for "Call My Bluff" (anyone remember that or am I the only ancient old fart on the bus today?)
Quinsey...is it
a) A medieval drink made from Quince juice and honey distilled in clay pots and believed to have been introduced by the Crusaders returning from Palestine in the 1200s
b) An arcane form of needlepoint used by the ladies of the court of Elizabeth the first to sew undergarments of such complicated fastening that over-amourous husbands gave up and went to sleep
c) A nasty abcess which makes you have a very sore throat and jaw and generally feel like shite (You have to imagine Robert Robinson reading that last bit..)


I have a very sore throat and all my lymph glands are up and I think I am running a temperature....however, no bloody sympathy in this house!
I have been drinking pretty much every night for the last 2 weeks. Normally only a bottle but it's crept all back again and I am back on the bus...
...so when i told her about my throat and general feeling-like-shite-even-after-3-days-sober DP dryly informs me that alcohol is of course an immuno-suppressant and it is still my turn to take the bins out.. So much for the poor me attempt!
Hello Joey really sorry you are not sleeping well my lovely. Hope you have a better day and night tonight.

at indie. Can I have a pair of those wonderful undergarment s please?
I loved call my bluff!

Thanks Gugg, I do feel so much better - I've lost 11lbs and saved an estimated £250 - £350 (feel very disgraced that I squandered so much money on alcohol previously ). Still not sleeping all that well and don't have enough energy to get some of the 'big' stuff done but Chrys (Alcohol Services) has told me to take it easy for now. I am really worried about avoiding alcohol on Christmas day. My favourite tipple has been reduced to £5.00 a bottle in Tescos (I even caught myself stroking the bottle this morning in the store!!!). My ex is coming round for the day (we get on well, have no 'other halves' and the children love it) and the thought of the whole day without a glass of something is very alien! It's still 5 weeks off. Ho hum.

How is the written work coming on? I know how you feel, I went back to college a few years ago and getting back into studying/writing/concentrating was a struggle. I always found that, if I couldn't find the words to start with, I started where ever I did have some ideas and slowly, like a jigsaw, put it all together eventually. Good luck.

Poor ma, isinde and joey. Wishing you all better soon.

Kot me too (I waver between thinking I should stop completely and wanting to control it). Not drinking right now but I never know how long it's going to last. Well done for reducing and keep us posted. Joey I didn't mean it like that (about the ickle bottle of wine) and sorry if I spoke out of turn I know how awful not sleeping is too; am waking up several times a night and just feel knackered. I can understand it being hard to fall asleep in the first place (racing thoughts etc) but once you're asleep, what keeps waking you up? My room is pitch dark and there's no noise so it's all very frustrating.

Worry don't be too concerned about SS if you see your GP etc. They came to see me once, after I was arrested for a drink-related incident during a horrible divorce but after they interviewed me and could see how keen I was to do something about my drinkingI and that DD was well cared for, they didn't bother me again. There's no reason why your GP/CMHT would want them involved just because you're trying to do something about your drinking.

Joey - that's the prozac, you'll notice quite vivid dreams, sometimes good, sometimes bad. It gets easier to put up with. I used to think there was a ghost at the bottom of my bed when I was on those (it was friendly though)

God I was as mad as a bottle of crisps! ;-)

soma no you weren't speaking out of turn, it just made me laugh thinking how my week revolves around such a ridiculous thing.

The night terrors I've had for a few years, I think they're worse recently. The weird sudden waking (almost like the brain-shocks I've heard about?) seems to only be since I started the mirtazapine. But I'm now tapering that, so don't know why it would happen last night. Do I continue the prozac? Do I just quit the mirtazapine cold turkey? Is it some combination of the two?

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Welcome Worry - this in particular stood out for me - I should be able to do everything, because there's nobody else to do it, other people manage it so why can't I? I feel a massive failure, I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now. This year has been absolutely hideous, and I can't keep going on at my friends, I don't have very many of them as it is and I know I'm pissing them off.

Being a single parent is hard work! Being a parent is hard work too! You have to be all things to your DC and at all times, it's just too much isn't it? And then there's the added pressures of 'outside' like the things that everyone else wants.

I agree with those who have said to you that the GP is a great place to start, mine was. And as Soma says, don't worry about SS, they only get involved if they feel they absolutely have to IME.

It's good to have you here, I hope that today is going better for you and that you'll soon find the support and help you want.

Ma - sorry you are poorly, please try to rest xx

Purple - I am really worried about avoiding alcohol on Christmas day. My favourite tipple has been reduced to £5.00 a bottle in Tescos (I even caught myself stroking the bottle this morning in the store!!!). My ex is coming round for the day (we get on well, have no 'other halves' and the children love it) and the thought of the whole day without a glass of something is very alien! It's still 5 weeks off. Ho hum.

STOP PROJECTING!!!!

Christmas is 5 looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong weeks away. Tomorrow is hours away. Worry about now please. In 5 weeks' time, you'll be a whole different version of you again won't you? Look at how far you've gotten. Look at the weight you've lost, the money saved...... your posts are boingy. You type with smiles in your words.

Don't worry about the traditional Christmas Day tipple. Plan Christmas Day drinking on Christmas Day. You'll drive yourself absolutely nuts between now and then with the shall I shan't I drink bollocks.

I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like the person that my mother has become. and very, very .

She picks at EVERYTHING and even DD asked DH why 'Grandma kept having a go at mum' last night. <sigh>

On a hpaay note, DH's new company car has arrived and it's lovely and he's happy with it after months of researce, so we are too. Not bad for a Monday xx

JOEY!!!!

CALL YOUR GP NOW AND ASK FOR A CALL BACK

DON'T just stop taking either, you're being tapered for a reason and trust me when I tell you that stopping anything cold turkey is shite! If you call, explain to reception the situation, and could you please have someone call you back ASAP, they should get a GP back to you IME.

It could be the two, it could be stress, it could be alcohol and the two. It could be anything so get it checked rather than just stop. Be safe, be sure xx

Hello babes - sorry bit behind, purple thanks for asking after me- I have been in the side car for the weekend coughing and spluttering, few glasses of wine over the weekend - I feel so dreadful with sinusitis, I am just drinking and overeating - not the best remedy for health - really struggling to find motivation and enthusiasm for anything at the moment! Joey do ring the docs - how long have you been on teh prozac for now, I had side effects including disturbed sleep for first two or three weeks then fine, hopefully it will settle down - what dosage are you on? poor Ma as if you haven't got enough to cope with!

Purple - it helps me to remember that christmas is just a sunday roast with a bit more noise. I think we build it up too much, laying on the pressure & worries.

Just to add re side effects of meds..... when I first started to take the slow release morphine, I used the have the most amazing dreams. I could touch, taste, smell, hear every single colour, everything was magnified, all my senses were so acute!

I'd even hallucinate at times during the day, which is not great looking back, but some of the stuff I saw was brilliant.

It takes time for things to settle when entering and also leaving your system. I was really surprised at just how comparable meds are in terms of how long they stay in your system for!

Some of the stuff I took I had to stop straight away because of the reactions I was having but others have been reduced by 5mgs per six weeks.

Greeny - sorry to read that you're not feeling so great with sinusitis, I think Saf suffers from sinus nastiness too . Do you find anything helps? I'm guessing that sleep must be difficult too. My cold has been here for oh, erm, about two bloomin' months now!!

Ma - how are things today? You're in my thoughts xx

Silver - Give us a wave if you're around and any other Babes out there we've not seen for a while....

Obrigada - where are you up to now? Still doing okay? xx

4 weeks of a cold here too, pretty fucked off with it, so all the bus lurgy babes have my sympathy.

mouse actually my gp said I could quit cold turkey without too many problems; it was me who decided to taper because I was worried about my sleep.

green 20mg since friday. the doc did wonder about stopping everything as we have no idea where I'm at in
terms of mood, side-effects etc. maybe he had a point...

really I can't keep going back and chop, change, must give it a few weeks. sorry.

mouse is your mum elderly or depressed. I found my mother turned into a right cow a few years ago for no reason. never found out why ( shes back to normal now!) but I suspect she was unhappy about her own life...

Thank you mouse - on the plus side I have not smoked for a week as that would truly kill my sinuses! - Sorry for all the other snotty babes - Is there anywhere we can put a bowl of steaming hot vicks on this bus? - I do need to not drink as I am so dehydrated which makes it worse but I am already thinking about the quarter bottle of red wine I have left at home and the fact I'll need to open a bottle of white for the salmon I'm cooking for dinner

Thanks mouse and koti, I know it's a long way off and I promise to stop projecting <looks at the floor and shuffles feet!>. To think of it as just another Sunday roast is a good idea. Maybe it's the fact I've been doing well that I'm thinking it's too good to be true. I have to say that the mood swings have calmed right down and I'm on much more of a level now. Much calmer with the children and stressy moments. Even managed to get on the floor and play fight with the DC without having to be 'merry' first.

Green hugs for you, I didn't realise how painful sinusitis was - until I got it! Hope you feel better soon.

PS 'Boingy is good, right mouse?

purple its normal to be thinking ahead to christmas, weddings, birthdays... those are usually big drinking occasions even for normally sober people... on the other hand by the time those events come round you may be feeling even stronger than you are now; more weeks of practice, more habits formed.

you cannot compare how you feel now, with how you might feel in 6 weeks!

Alias and it's why successful, ie sober, alcoholics take it one day at a time...

Joey - sorry, did I miss that bit? About the GP saying you could just stop? I guess it depends on dose and the actual meds.

The shit I was on would have near killed me to just stop, I think I might have panicked for you!

Purple - Boingy is Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!! Really, it is. It's that feeling you get when you suddenly wonder why on earth did you ever chase that problem solver, pain killer, soul soother, head fucker all the way down to the bottom of the bottle and realised that actually, you really don't need it to make life 'okay'.

'Okay' is liveable right? Well, from where I'm lying it is (pain is bad so sideways is best) and to be fair.... 'okay' is bearable for most things or so I've found.

It's 'okay' to be pissed off at my mother because of who she has become due to her illnesses (some real, some martyr material only Joey, lots of 'oh at least I won't have to shit) and it won;t make it better by getting tw@ted.

So, boingy is great, and until you get to boingy, 'okay' is just grand lovely Babes xx

Hey Help - long time, no speak..... how are you? I seem to miss lots here these days.

Tomorrow is another school day for me and Nemo, STILL no news on the statement and this is the week that I need to start making lots and lots of noise.

<sigh>

Purple - It's also absolutely natural to worry about things coming up. Of course it is, you really don't want to f@ck up do you, not after all of your hard work. Maybe, just maybe you'll surprise yourself and kick the pants off every single hurdle you face each and every time you do?

Why the hell not huh? You've done so well, getting past day 1 is great in itself, never mind as far as you have. So, stop feet shuffling and forget about the pressure you're putting yourself under for an event that hasn't happened yet, and is a bit further down the line and enjoy the fact that tomorrow is a whole new day, but toyou made your DCs laugh by playing on the floor with them without the aid of wine. Brave!

Aaaaw, Mouse I'm taking being 'boingy' as a compliment! You are right, I'm feeling a lot more 'up' and able to cope with stuff - which, in itself, leads to a calmer, more organised life. The Christmas 'thing' has been brought about by me doing my Christmas food shop today (see! Organised!!) and this will be the first year in about 25 that copious amounts of booze hasn't been on the list. Just felt odd, is all. I'm pretty good at taking it ODAAT Help, just one small trip-up today, a brief look back at the past that caused a slight peek into the unknown future. Feeling better already this evening.

"Feeling even stronger in 6 weeks" Alias is a great thought to hang on to. Ta, everso! I wish you a peaceful, uneventful nights sleep tonight.

So sorry to hear about your pain and your problems with your Mum Mouse, with everything you have on your plate you certainly don't need anything else. Is it possible to have a little distance from her, just for a while until you feel physically stronger?

(Cross post, Mouse! Thanks for the support and kind words x)

mouse one of my many therapists once told me that 'coping with mother' was what kept her in business

I think I'll carry on with the prozac, and quit the mirtazapine, which apart from giving me blissful sleep for the first 2 weeks, has been nothing but trouble. Reminds me of alcohol actually: it appears to help at first, so you carry on drinking and 10 years later can't even remember why you started... mind you, I see alcoholic analogies everywhere...

Right, Mr Hammond is on the TV, (I know but he is a bit dishy and can fit in my pocket for easy transport) so I shall bid thee all a goodnight.

Be Brave Babes xx

Ooh I think he is dishy too but just a tad to teeny for me. Cute though

he only looks teeny next to those great galumphs on top gear. He's still taller than me!

one of my many therapists once told me that 'coping with mother' was what kept her in business Joey I hope our children don't feel the need for therapy one day for that particular reason! How did you sleep? Don't remember waking up at all last night but took ages to drop off.

Purple you're scaring me. Christmas food shop done already Good luck with the statement Mouse, I think exH is trying to get one for June. Off to phone the tax credits helpline now, for some reason this month's payment is about 60% lower than usual so we might not be eating this week

soma slept very badly, called in sick, feel guilty and anxious.

DH at docs with bad mouth ulcers, told its stress. DD woke up covered in bites again, still no idea what that is, cannot see any bedbugs, dermatology appt. in 2 weeks.

we're all just a mess! but not drinking, thank god. going to sleep now, dog curled up beside me. how are you doing?

BOING!!! anyone miss me? i wont bore you all with my tales of woe, suffering and too much much work, but honestly, if anyone would care to ask i could be nearly persuaded to write for for several hours!

just had a quick look at the thread, lovely to see all the wonderful 'old' names, makes me feel all warm inside!

btw, just a thought about Christmas, i have had a couple of sober christmas days now, guess what?, im still here, it didnt kill me! in fact, staying sober can really help you cope with the bloody performances that you can encounter from other people, let them get pissed, be a prat, be boring, snore all afternoon.....whatever, you will wake up boxing day with a huge sense of well being!!

see you later lovely babes!!

L XXXXX

Joey you're under the weather and absolutely allowed to be off. No feeling guilty or anxious you hear? I'm hopeless when I'm off work too, even if I'm dying. Talk about taking the work ethic to extremes....Hope your dear ones feel better soon. It's very strange about your DD, just an idea, have you taken any photos just in case the bites wear off before you have the appointment? I'm good thanks, although I did have a twinge of the old anxiety earlier, but after a dog walk it went away. Our animals are so good for us, aren't they?

Lovely to hear from you JWN and to know how boingy you are. Write as much as you like, we all love to hear it

Hello there mouse, JWN and all the BBs.
Distract me with your busyness please- I'm in bed having had a tooth out less than an hour ago- feeling extremely sorry for myself, it's one behind the one behind my canine and will show.

Afternoon help. You have my total sympathy! I had the same tooth taken out a few years ago and was really depressed about the fact that the gap could be seen if I laughed. . Implants are currently costing £2200 - each! Was offered a bridge but that sounded waaaaay too much like 'dentures'!

Soba, everyone is shocked at my early Christmas shopping . I've very much been a last minute sort of person in the past but I seem to have the time, inclination and money for the first time in, well, forever! I kinda like this organised feeling!

Joey You do have such a lot on your plate. Do you know why you are feeling guilty and anxious - you're not drining, after all? You are doing an amazing job not drinking with all the crap you are coping with. Hope you had a good nap with the dog and that everyone is better soon. x

JWN Thanks for the uplifting words about Christmas. For the first time in years, I'm really looking forward to the festivities - and that's mostly down to the way I feel because I haven't been drinking. Just got to keep at it.

Worry How are things? You OK?

I just feel guilty for having time off, not sleeping is not an illness, and its probably my fault anyway for letting myself get stressed, DH thinks I should quit prozac

Thanks for the idea about taking a photo of the bites, poor kid has been suffering with this for 3 months.

soma what are you worrying about?

Joey, don't be too hard on yourself. Are you going in tomorrow? I wasn't worrying about anything in particular, I suffer from general anxiety which is a complete pain in the arse and very hard for other people to understand. The drugs control it pretty well most of the time though.

How's everyone coping with the approach of wine o'clock?

I do know what you mean, I have anxiety issues too and its a vicious circle worrying about not sleeping keeps me awake! I bet alfie is great therapy for you though?!

I was doing so well, but really craving some wine to take away the anxiety for a few hours. I still have some of that phenergan left over from the half-term flight from scotland...

I did have quite a bit of a 'wobble' when I was in the Co-Op shop - the wine was right next to where you had to queue for the tills and, as there was quite a few people to be served, I had to stand there for about 5 mins! But, I'm feeling safe now that I'm home. I won't go out again this evening. Good luck Babes. x

Well done purple not well soma didn't even get to my usual danger zone between 7 and 9 before I'd cracked, thinkiing about drinking all afternoon and buying cigarettes and have also ordered a takeaway-inner child\teenager reckons deserve all this and has teamed up with fuck it voice to make it happen - I am useless at the moment.

Well done purple not well soma didn't even get to my usual danger zone between 7 and 9 before I'd cracked, thinkiing about drinking all afternoon and buying cigarettes and have also ordered a takeaway-inner child\teenager reckons deserve all this and has teamed up with fuck it voice to make it happen - I am useless at the moment.

So sorry you are struggling today Green. You're not useless - you're just feeling really low right now. Maybe just let your inner-child have tonight - but only tonight? Tomorrow is a brand new day and could be a fresh start. Maybe try to put today's 'fuck it' notion to bed tonight and start again, afresh, tomorrow morning. Will be thinking of you. It ain't easy, that's for sure. Not even sure I've written the right things? Wishing you a good nights sleep. x

Yes Alfie is a real tonic Joey as I'm sure your doggie is to you. And sure wine relaxes you for a while but try to think beyond that. Are you OK Greeneyed? I know what you mean by the "fuck it" voice, it's so hard to ignore. I made myself a little pot of tea for one earlier and used a china cup and had a blueberry muffin It felt better than a glass of wine. Honest. Danger time is past now and I'm safe. Hope you're having a cosy evening Purple.

Too cosy Soma! Snuck into bed early (DC at their Dad's so no responsibilities) but then struggled not to fall asleep before 8pm!

I know, very well, the 'fuck it' moment and the 'danger' time. By accident I told the corner shop owner I had given up wine (his sales must have plummeted!). I didn't mean to as I don't want to make a big deal about it. He was trying to sell me two bottles for £10 (again) and I told him "Just Coke again tonight". He said "Oh, have you given up then?" and because I hadn't expected it and wasn't prepared with my usual answer of 'oh, just don't feel like it tonight', I said "Yes"! The upshot is that, even if I do have a 'fuck it' moment and I go back in there now I'm going to look like a right numpty. So, I'm lucky in that as long as I'm out of town before 3pm (my danger time), which I have to be for school pick up 4 days a week, I can't get any alcohol. Added to that I've been putting my jim jams on as soon as I get in so I'm not tempted to nip out 'cos I can't be bothered to get dressed again. I cannot (and do not) have alcohol in the house because I would just drink it - I just wouldn't have the will power to leave it alone.

I have a soppy dog too . Libby (the black Giant Schnauzer) listens to everything I say and puts her head on my knee as if to give support. Love 'em! What 'make' of dog does everyone else have?

poodle with an 'au natural' haircut - no pom-poms! see photo on my page.

I love schnauzers, especially the beards and eyebrows.

poodle with an 'au natural' haircut - no pom-poms! see photo on my page.

I love schnauzers, especially the beards and eyebrows.

dont know why that posted twice, sorry

Will post a photo tomorrow - hope the beard and eyebrows make you smile, joey . Night all. x

Purple, so jealous of your black giant schnauzer, I love those dogs! Thanks Soma, I'm okay, cross with self, need to get well so I can find some zest for life, sinusitis floors me. At risk of outing myself I have a big smelly beligerent golden retriever _ who I adore.

Loving the dog theme. Mine's a Jack Russell who looks like he's been crossed with a bat because he has huge pointy ears. His name is Alfie and I love him beyond reason Purple I quite enjoy the nights when DD's with her dad too. There's something so decadent about getting into PJs before it's even dark! Funny, 3pm is my danger time too...

Sleep well everyone, tomorrow is another day Green.

at JRT crossed with a bat

Incredibly neurotic cocker spaniel here. Even more demanding and velcro-like since a recent bout of pancreatitis. Now she wants to be in physical contact with you at all times unless running hell for leather through the woods, following her nose.

I can hear frogs croaking in my garden pond!

I love frogs Golden!

at goldensummer's 'in physical contact at all time' cocker. I have a pointy hound who's lovely. She sleeps in a basket overnight which is great. Except when she doesn't.
Then she comes and looks at me, then whimpers in my face, then gently nudges me, then barks.
I encourage her to get onto the bed when I get into it now.
Off to the dentist again as my sinus is exposed. Taking the maximum otc pain relief carefully, and grateful that I'm not dealing with anything less straightforward than a tooth.

I am dying Egypt, dying....

Can a woman get man-flu I wonder?

Ah, hope you feel better soon Isinde x

Happy Hump Day babes

Hi all- can I come back on board and lurk for a bit? Dh is away working at the moment, last night I broke the no weeknight drinking rule (out at organised drinks so not too dreadful), and I want to avoid going back down the slippery slope of white wine in the evenings.....

<goes back to start of thread to try and work out who else is on board and what is going on>

helpyourself your sinus is exposed? what?! that sounds horrible, whatever it is...

another sleepless night, despite taking a phenrrgan. told my work i have a stomach bug because i was too embarrassed to say the real reason. am going to have to quit prozac.

helpyourself your sinus is exposed? what?! that sounds horrible, whatever it is...

another sleepless night, despite taking a phenrrgan. told my work i have a stomach bug because i was too embarrassed to say the real reason. am going to have to quit prozac.

Morning legalalien, course you can jump back on.

Joey, you have to give it time to work, you've only been on it a few days haven't you?

Help yourself I can empathise, I had the tooth behind the one you're talking about, taken out last year. I had the post of an implant put in last week (most recent step in a process involving a sinus lift and a "grow a bit more bone" procedure, so eating on one side and feeling sorry for myself. I expect the remedy for sinus exposure is similar to the bone growing thing?

koti I know its only been a few days, but it seems like the worst drug to give someone whose main issue is sleep problems...

legalalien morning and welcome

Welcome legal and sympathies from a fellow tooth sufferer.
I'm feeling pretty grotty with pain, antibiotics and general 'woe is me' from the whole saga.
I am also extremely grateful that I didn't add a bottle of chilled white wine to the mix last night or an anaesthetising glass of whiskey this morning.
ma how is your brother? And your throat?

Hi All - Joey - speak to your doc first please - Feeling a little more upbeat here I have been to see my psyche to discuss my ADHD diagnosis - we have agreed I had an adverse reaction to the drugs so I'm to start on something new in a couple of weeks - behave similarly to an Antidepressent and will probably have a few weeks of side effects to contend with including sleep problems so I'll probably be joining you on here in the middle of the night Joey He is writing to my GP to see if they will prescribe as too expensive privately - hope GP agrees and I have more luck with these or that's probably the end of the line for me with meds (for ADHD anyway) Hope all have a good day today and not too much toothache sounds awful), will try and stay away from the fridge tonight - I am not going to buy alcohol with the shop anymore as I can't seem to not drink when it's in the fridge. xx

greeneyed, I'm the same, I still can't have it in the house & ignore it.

Kotinka - my plan tonight will be straight to bed after my son has gone to bed - I can read or work on my laptop - I'm usually okay if I'm not downstairs - nice warm drink and PJs - might even go in the nice decorated spare bedroom to make myself feel better! Docs this afternoon to discuss some "embarrassing" problems and my sinusitus - it's all going on! Oh where has my young body and mind gone to and why didn't I appreciate it at the time.. It's true what they say - youth is wasted on the young

Oh where has my young body and mind gone to and why didn't I appreciate it at the time.. It's true what they say - youth is wasted on the young

Oh yes! I can identify with that one, I've got hairs growing out of my face, the menopause starting at 42 & sodding arthritis!

I should have been wilder in my youth, I didn't realise it'd be over so soon ;-)

That's tough Kotinka, more minor irritations here today, piles and stress incontinence - oh the glamour I should buy shares in tena lady - Sorry babes - Too much information!!

haha, that'll be fun fun fun at the doc's then ;-)

Don't worry, we all love a bit of TMI!

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Just quickly - Purple Is it possible to have a little distance from her, just for a while until you feel physically stronger?

there is a 1.5hr drive between us as it is! Seriously, she has nothing better to do than help and need to be needed by me because I am nothing like the sister who lives 15 mins away and still almost lives at my parent's house with her brood of children.....

I'm contemplating a trip to the moon for a while, just til after the Santa Swap in early December when we all meet at 'mothers' to swap gifts.......

I'm filled with dread already. Thank Jeff for diazepam!

Sorry not to catch up, crazy day, week actually! xx

where has my young body gone? I reckon our kids stole it...

managed to get 2 hours sleep this morning after taking some mirtaz, confirms my thoughts i need to go back on that instead of prozac, if i have to wait another 2 days before i can see a gp i will go potty.

mirtaz is only a temporary solution, its got too many side effects i think but i dont want to keep wasting the docs time, back and forth. I have about 2 weeks supply of that left, time to do some research on a better alternative - did someone say cetirizine? saf ?

where is saf by the way, i hope hasnt gone off in a panicky bender, her job starts next week

With prozac, it takes 2 weeks for it to be in your system and working properly. The lack of sleep could be down to you cutting down on other stuff.

Joey, I mean this in the nicest way, stop messing with your meds, take them as the doc prescribed and give them a chance to work. You'll know in a month if Prozac's no good for you.

koti thanks for your concern, I haven't made the decision lightly. my gp actually suggested quitting all drugs, so be obviously didn't think I desperatly need antidepressants. I do need sleep urgently though - if I keep calling in sick I will lose my job...

Don't know if you were here 6 months ago when this started, but the reason I went to the docs in the first place was fatigue and poor sleep, thus the mirtazapine. I don't want to end up in the same place! I will try and stick to the mirtaz, despite side-effects, and make an appt asap.

sorry for going on about it....

Saf is off on another thread arguing with Xenia about child benefit. Arguing with Xenia requires singularity of purpose, I suspect

<goes back to halfheartedly supervising dinner and wonders why she generously agreed to host a mid week play date>

Loved hearing about your dogs - thanks! Have posted 2 pics of Libby in My Photos (should anyone be interested). I love the quote: "The more I know about people, the better I like my dog" - Mark Twain.

Had another 'wobble' today when I drove passed a quaint looking pub and, in my mind's eye, I could see myself sitting in a pub having a yummy lunch and an enormous glass of chilled white wine! Drove passed the pub but was surprised by the sudden urge. Home safe, jim jams on. Phew.

Hugs to everyone who is struggling. Seems to be a difficult week for lots of us. Still, onward and upwards Babes! x

Evening all. Can I join the sleep-deprived club please? I had to have an afternoon nap earlier when I came home from work because I was knackered (again). And beginning to worry about going to bed Joey and that as we know, makes it worse. Is there any point in going to the GP? I know you've had mixed results with mirtazapine but do you think it might be worth giving it a go?

Wish you lot would stop talking about young bodies because you're spring chickens compared to me. I'm not too bad clothed but when everything comes off it's a different matter. Not overly bothered though as am a very happy spinster Wine o'clock has come and gone and I'm safe. Once I've eaten all desire for a drink disappears. Spent ages preparing a meal for me and DD which we've had loads of times and she's always professed to like. This time she was pushing her food around the plate declaring she wasn't that hungry. Eventually she owned up to "not liking it anymore". Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Purple do you have a profile? Wanted to look at your doggy but nothing happened when I hovered over your username...

Think I've sorted it now Soba. Can you let me know if it still doesn't work please?

Yes working now Purple. Libby is gorgeous and looks a real character. I'd be in my jim-jams too but have to walk DD to Guides. Well done for beating the cravings.

I have the same with my DD Soma. Yesterday I made meatballs and pasta with a mascapone (sp?) sauce. She whined said it was too spicy for her and wouldn't eat it. It was exactly the same sauce she wolfed down last week with mince beef and pasta! Arrrrgh!

(Thanks! Yes, she is a real character!)

Just checking in. Throat a bit better but still a lot of pain in face and neck. Doc says its neuralgia caused by the throat infection. Feel a bit crap

purple libby is gorgeous! schnauzers have very expressive faces i think.

soma sorry to hear you're also having trouble sleeping. I'm giving the mirtaz another go, I didn't like the side-effects, but will put up with them for the sake of sleep. and make another appt, god they must be sick of me.

I have found some podcasts which have helped a bit if you want to try those? They are on the Mental Health foundation website, there are a couple of sleep ones, and they're free.

oh ma poor you. I hope you're taking the painkillers and getting some rest. I bought some chewable aspirin because my dh has got bad mouth ulcers and i figure those would get right to the pain - wonder if these would help you?

Talking of dog photo's, here's a link to mine. She's more tongue than dog ;-)

Hope this works, I'm very bad at facebook! So can someone test it for me?

tongue with added dog

yes i see her, and her tongue! she looks very cheeky...

hehe, thanks, yes she is a proper rascal, first time I've had a JRT, they're quite odd.

How's your evening going? No booze here, yay!

ummm actually i'm in the sidecar... I guess I was tired/fed up dunno no good excuse at all. at least I only bought 2 mini bottles 18.5ml each.

just wanted to let go of all the effing worry for a while...

why are they odd?!

Lots of personality, a little bit sneaky because they're clever, so lots of naughtiness if she thinks she'll get off with it. But she was quite easy to train.

Well I hope you sleep better tonight, new day, new start. Hugs.

Kot JRTs are lovely aren't they? She looks a lot like mine, except that both his ears stick straight up. What fun it would be to all meet up for a dog walk - the Brave Babes and their Trusty Muts

Joey don't beat yourself up about the two little bottles. How did you sleep?

Had half a mirtaz and no prozac, and slept like a log! I almost feel normal this morning. I will need strength not to continue down that slippery slope after last night... my defences were weak through lack of sleep, I will be back on the Bus tonight <determined>

hey babes

Day 1 again. I'm just so fricking fed up with myself. I'm not drinking much but it's a deeply entrenched behaviour, that i am not making progress with.
Had a little look at the aa website and might try to make a meeting nxt week.

Or maybe I can persuade all the local shops to stop selling wine,forever. I might give that a go ffs.

Think I'll get beck into the habit of posting / lurking here every day. When I know I'm going to drink i don't look at the bus. Can someone come round and give me a slap aka 1950's stylee?

slaps guggs <helpful>

Ditto all of that guggenheim ~(except aa bit) - someone slap me too. Joey, Glad you go some sleep honey, the world is a much better place when we are not tired - tiredness is a big trigger for me drinking -

Ta love! joey

green hi, tough isn't it?

I was bit put off by some aspects of the aa website, some of the stories were a bit extreme. But I think I need some rl help now too. I know that if I could get clear and stay clear for a few weeks then I could manage. Most of my drinking is a stupid habit, so it's not so much the quantity (per night) as the frequency of drinking. If that makes sense- it's left me very dependent and it's the dependency I need to deal with.

I am a bit scared of going to aa because I'm a wuss is it really confidential? What if I saw people I know from work? Also can I just show up and sit at the back? Not worried at all by the spiritual malarky but v. worried about being recognised.

will stop being selfish in a bit and say hi to everyone

Gugg am in sidecar too. How much are you drinking? Antabuse obviously isn't the answer for me, I take it for a few months, convince myself I'm cured and stop taking it and hey presto! Back in the land where necking a bottle of wine in a couple of hours before DD gets home from school is normal

Trouble is, it makes me feel as if I've rejoined the land of the living, I hate the feeling that I can't drink (rebellious pre-teen emoticon). Shall we all slap eachother? How do doing Purple, in your jim-jams yet?

soma did you stop taking the antabuse again? why?

hiya soma Yay, team slap for the win!!!!!
Do you think the slapping will help?

I've thought about antabuse following on from your posts, but I really don't want my GP or school to know that I have a problem with drink. I think that it must give your liver a good chance to recover even if you have a drink
occasionally, but I'll try aa first and see how I go.
Would you recommend antabuse? Any side effects? I guess it would work for me - I hate being ill or queasy. What do you think about it?

I drink about 1-2 small glasses a night, it goes up to 1/2 a bottle and pre bus days it would get to 2/3 bottle. I have 2 or 3 af days a week. it's over the unit limit for the week and makes me feel sucky. I just want the sobriety fairy to show up and do all the hard work for me.
How is the land of the living, would I like it?

purple I am WELL jealous of anyone who can climb into their jim jams & head to bed early. Sounds so calm.

Joey I suppose I stopped the antabuse cos I wanted to drink. Gugg you aren't drinking much but obviously you don't feel great about it. Sadly I have to decide that antaubse hasn't worked for me. The moment I stop taking it I'm toast again.

Purple how's your evening going?

Evening all! Just popping in before D&D :-)

Just checking in. Blazing row with Mr wonderful who seems to think all the Christmas presents in the house have been delivered by elves and didn't actually have to be paid for! So having ranted about all the "missing" money , he has now ordered take away for himself. Think he's trying to probe some sort of point.he is such a twat!

Really late getting the jim jams on tonight - not until 7.30pm!! (DC have swimming on Thurs). DD is on duty showing prospective pupils/parents round her school tonight. Ex is bring her home but it means I have to stay up awake until at least 8.30! Purgatory!

Today, again, I had pretty bad cravings. Even heard the 'Evil Voice' telling me that just one bottle wouldn't hurt. Bollocks to that notion! I don't understand why, after all this time, I'm having problems. I wonder if the Campral isn't working any more? It's day 28 tomorrow. I can clearly see all the good stuff that has been the result of giving up the wine but......fucking thing still keeps whispering in my ear. I find it so difficult to get over the 'well, I've done (fill in the blank) today and I deserve a treat. This schizophrenic 'evil brain'/'good brain' drives me insane.

The 'necking a bottle of wine...before DD gets home from school' sounds very familiar to me Soma. When they all get home, it's like being hit with a tidal wave of sound and energy. I love them to bits, obviously, but it's really 'full on' when they get home. Trouble for me is that if I do that, I then have to walk up to the school (about 15 mins) and I'm scared to death that someone will notice it on my breath or my change in behaviour (I tend to be a bit funnier but still fully functioning). I yo-yoed (sp) the same way you are and I can't say it's not going to happen again. I hope you have a better evening/night.

Gugg I have the same reservations as you about AA. So much so that I travelled 15 miles away and tried to go in but, I have to be honest, there were lots of....errrr....undesirable types hanging round outside the door. I don't even know if they were there for an AA meeting but they scared me off unless I was looking for an 'out' that is Unlike you, I find the 'higher power' bit off putting but I think it depends on which meeting you go to, they're all different apparently. Ha, jealous of my evening attire, huh!? It's my safety net - won't get dressed and 'nip' to the corner shop if I've already settled in for the night .

Hi to Joey and Green Hope you are doing OK?

<Slaps all Babes who need it round the chops, just to be helpful you understand?>

<PS All my slapping is to be done with a wet fish!>

Hey Purple it is bloody hard and it's two steps forward one step back but that's progress isn't it? Well done for being so strong tonight, I wasn't and I'm disappointed in myself. At least I stopped after one bottle and cuddled up now with dog and DD now and I'm a Celebrity.

I really wonder if I'll ever give up booze completely. I just seem to veer from sobriety to a sudden binge and then back again. Groundhog day. Again. You OK Joey?

Evening, tis me, Mouse

We've got a date for Nemo's cleft op........ next Wednesday. I feel sick, and worried and scared and happy that it's almost over.

Sorry to butt in and just 'blah' it out. I'm needing to let it out wherever I can so here I am. I'm scared to death that they will f@ck up again and we'll me

Will be back tomorrow. Hope you are all safe and sound.

Stay Brave Babes. xx

mouse it must be scary waiting for nemos op, but good to finally get it over with?

was looking forward to my weekly drink on saturday, but now found we are going to in-laws... and I made a rule about not drinking there as it always ends up messy. oh well, its becoming a habit, I'm getting used to it. really not easy putting up with mil when sober though!

still tired, worried, anxious... need another early night

Oh mouse how terrifying for you.but how wonderful. Try and focus on the difference this will make to his
life. His eating,breathing,sleeping, talking will all be so much better. This is a gift you are giving him and we will all be here holding your hand all the way through.
On another note, don't suppose Mrmouse is free for a shag, by any chance? hopeful

ma how is your head and throat today? dh said the chewable aspirin did help his pain, but made him fart. not that I wanted to know...

sobasoma hi, I see you have stopped antabuse.I just got prescribed it by gp today.am on last day of librium detox..10 days alcohol free now, and start antabuse 2moro. did you find that all your beauty products had to be alcohol free out you would get rash etc or were you ok?
I just came to the conclusion that, taking antabuse,I know I will not be able to drink as I will be very ill..and this gives me time to build better coping and relaxation strategies. I had been putting away at least a bottle of wine a night and convinced myself that the odd sweat I broke out in on my face each day was due to increased weight..funnily enough, had no sweats since stopped drinking with help of librium. stating to see alcohol more and more for the poison it is.
ladies, if AA is too daunting, get some 1:1 support at local alcohol service

Oh mouse! How terrifying and exciting!

Well tonight's game was an utter disaster, we all got killed & had to reroll :-(

Mouse That's fabulous news, I'm really pleased for you. I can imagine you're very scared too, so my heart goes out to you. I know recovery won't be a bundle of fun but it'll be worth it for him when it's over. All the best, keep us up to date if you have the time.

Kotinka - when I read your post yesterday I thought - d&d - drunk and disorderly? Surely that's a bit cavalier? Penny has just dropped (an so it should, I spent most of my late teens in imaginary cave complexes. and I still have not forgiven those bastards for leaving ofta the dwarf behind when he was turned to stone by medusa

Mouse have everything crossed for you for Nemo's op. Dippy you don't need to worry about the amount of alcohol in toiletries etc - it's minute and has never affected me. It's great news about your detox and I'm sure antabuse will help you. As you say, the key thing is it "gives me time to build better coping and relaxation strategies". This, unfortunately, is what I've failed to do whilst on it, because the minute I come off it, I drink. I'll probably go back on it though and try again, because drinking a bottle of wine on my own at 3pm is not what I want to be doing Have you thought about what you're going to be working on? Will you try AA?

Morning, tis me, Mouse

I'm scared to death that they will f@ck up again and we'll me - hmm..... that was supposed to read, "will f@ck it up again and that will destroy me"

Thanks for all of the kind words xx

good luck, mouse
soba..I have got some great parenting books to read, and some fab meditation CDs and books, and some religion.also need to get out and see other adults instead of sit in and drink..so that's my plan! I can't go to AA as too many of my clients would be there!

Just to quickly say - Oh, Mouse, how exciting and scary - in equal measures! Will be thinking of you and wishing for the best ever outcome <and holding your virtual hand, too!> . Be brave! x

legalalien, sounds like you had a killer DM, ours has given us chance after chance but the dice hated us last night :-(

So you don't play any more?

No, although I might well be tempted once ds gets a bit older. My uncle, who looks like sarf london's answer to vandals, still plays regularly.

I saw this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchkin_(card_game) in a shop last week and was quite tempted. I bought risk instead and ds is hooked.

Having a couple of glasses of wine tonight as it's the weekend, but that's all as it's all there is in the house, apart from anything else. Watching sky news about Hamas /Israel conflict - I have a really bad feeling about it...

That would be gandalf, not vandals - autocorrect at work. Although he would probably make a good Vandal.

Munchkin's good but it can go on forever if you have competitive players.

Have a nice peaceful evening :-) Nice to meet a fellow nerd gamer ;-)

Shopping done, house cleaned, washing done, new jim jams for DS's bought (and fit!), children fed (and watered), dog fed (with left-over pizza and garlic bread! Lol!), washing up done, plants watered (and brown leaves removed - needed doing for about 2 months!), home 'safe' and jim jams on!! The unexpected, and long absent, surge of energy was very welcome today and was put to good use!

Sending warm hugs to all Brave Babes on this very cold evening. (( ))

Oh, and forgot, pile of children's clothes selected and in a neat, ironed pile ready for photographing and listing on e-bay tomorrow!

Go Purple!!!

Koti, just hoping the Energy Fairy decides to visit and smack me with her wand again tomorrow! You OK tonight?

yeah, catching up on coursework :-(

I need 10 more hours a day please.

purple I know what you mean about feeling you deserve a treat, its even worse if you want alcohol as a reward for not drinking I have been eating a lot of chocolate and toffee mousses lately...

lots of choc here too, just made half a galaxy simply "disappear"!

I have a tin of Christmas Quality Street (calling my name as I type!) in the kitchen but, since I've been through a whole tin already - and the DC found me out, the seal is checked regularly!! Sheesh. And yup, Joey ironic but true - I often think my reward for abstinence should be wine! . Well, to be honest, I think that should be my reward for everything. Deep, deep sigh!

Yum! If anyone would like to save quality street wrappers I''d be extremely grateful to have them, here's a sculpture i made last year using them.

punk meets medieval

just surfing and reading that thread about whether to turn up to a dinner party on time or late... and all the replies 'get there early with some bubbly, and have a chat'... 'arrive late with half a bottle of baileys' ' tequila!' etc

the hardest part is 'gossip over a glass of wine' I really crave this image?? although I dont have any friends who would do this anyway?!

I know what you mean Joey. I'm not under-confident but a glass or two of wine sure seems to help with relaxing in someone's company - and having fun and the flow of the chat! Trouble is, I have, in the past, ripped the arse out of it and ended up not remembering what was said for half the night! That awful feeling when I woke up and realise I'd made some sort of follow on arrangement with whoever but I couldn't remember when it was or where! Then, I would try and phone them to 'confirm' what we'd sorted out without them realising that I was pie-eyed and had very little recollection because of the booze! Also the embarrassment when I said something in conversation that I had already told them but had forgotten.

I have a 'first date' next Friday evening. If I manage not to drink, it'll be my first sober date in about 20 years . Not sure it'll matter as I'll probably excuse myself at about 8pm in order to put my jim jams on and go to bed - alone!

PS Like the punk likes medieval Koti.

well it is partly confidence, but also its all those magazine images of women (young, slim, gorgeous) chatting and gossiping over a bottle, its all advertising I know

Koti - love the sculpture.
Am feeling a bit better. If the head pain will go away I'll be ok

(Durrr - I like the 'punk meets medieval!)

thanks chaps :-) so if anyone wants to save quality street wrappers (they're great, no text & ironable between tea towels!), pm me & I'll send you an address.

You are now patrons of the arts ;-)

Will do Koti - you can consider them your 'post-Christmas present' from me and mine! And now, when I'm scoffing them, I can use the excuse that it is all in the interest of art!!

Well, I got through day 28 OK and have now lost a whole stone in weight! A few more pounds and I'll be able to fit into my 'old' clothes. I've been basically wearing the same few things for ages as I really couldn't afford (and didn't want to) buy anything bigger. I'm quite excited, I've got some lovely items that make me feel good about myself, I'm looking forward to it.

Happy weekend Babes, hope you all have a good un'. x

(PS I really hope no-one minds me posting my more positive stuff (there's been loads of negative stuff, too) but you guys are the only ones who know about my fight with alcohol and also my losing weight. I really don't want to appear smug - I'm sure to hit snags again at some point. Thanks for being there and listening to my waffling. xx)

The positive stuff is a boost to me when I'm finding it hard, I think it helps, it's nice to be inspired by other people's success.

I'm down to once a week drinking this week, and I'm pleased I've stayed the same weight for a month, even though I've been scoffing nibbling the odd chocky bar. I really need to lose more though.

Well done Purple, that's a big achievement!

How's the head Ma?

How's everyone else doing today?

Morning all

Kotinka love the art! PM me the address and I'll send any wrappers we might have. I wasn't planning on getting quality street but if I do, I'll get collecting. Or I'll use the 'patron of the arts' excuse to buy myself a tin

Purple I've just caught up with the thread and am enjoying your positive outlook. Please do keep it coming, it's lovely to hear people discovering new ways to enjoy life without booze

Am thinking of buying that Munchkins game for ds for Christmas. It's £18 on amazon, any ideas of similar decent games that are cheaper, or is it worth paying that much?

Mouse oooo how scary xxx My ds had to have his arm manipulated under anaesthetic and I was a complete wreck just for that!! Hose had to go down to theatre with him as was too distressed . But, as ma says, it will be wonderful for Nemo and change his life for the better. Kids heal really quickly and I'm sure he will charm all the nurses and doctors too. Will be thinking of you. Much love xxxxx

Hi babes

kotinka loved the art, you are clever

purple keep posting the positive stuff, the more details the better. You have achieved some major goals there and it definitely helps me to think about having more energy/ losing weight. I've never managed 28 days.

mouse GOOD LUCK! will have everything crossed for you but I'm confident it will go well.

Purple how exciting, a first date! How did you meet him? Will you go in your jim-jams? That's a stunning art-work Kot, what else do you do and how do you find the time? I have creative spurts but find it hard to maintain. I've just bought DD a parka - I can't believe they're back in fashion but thoroughly approve. Warm, practical and still trendy! Didn't cost the earth either, it's from New Look but good quality.

Was invited to a party tonight (line-dancing would you believe) but have decided not to go. I find socialising without booze really painful so will be in PJs by 8pm no doubt. I don't know what this says about me, that I need alcohol to have a good time but I can't see it ever changing. I very much enjoy outings/coffee/early dinners with friends though and like having family over so perhaps I just need to accept that I'll never go to a party again I used to have a major reputation as a party animal, if my friends could see me now....

I've got the bug now! Just ordered Carcasonne for my brother & his family for Christmas. I didn't realise these board games were still so popular but we all like them so that's them sorted!

Now, I'm picking your brains again babes. I'm thinking of getting dd a kindle but would really like her to be able to download books in french and spanish as she's probably going to go on to do them at A level. Anyone know anything about it? Is it possible. I know nothing at all about them so am on a fact finding mission this morning.

Soma I want to get my dcs one of those coats because they might actually wear it! At the moment, they don't want to take coats to school because it's not cold enough, but they are still getting wet from the rain. I might buy them today and put them back for Christmas. They will just have to make do with what they've got already for the last four weeks of school. What colour did you get? I quite like the burgundy.

Hi all,

Just continuing the games theme, there are some good ideas here

www.compendia.co.uk (this is one of the few shops I actually make the effort to go to rather than shopping online - there's more stuff on the site than there is in the online shop).

Home alone and feeling sorry for myself as have caught the dreaded sore throat/cough lurgy that is going around. At least it means I'm mostly craving hot Ribena!

I love dancing, but line dancing with a bunch of people who are drinking.... I think the pjs are def the way to go.

Is carcass one a good game? Thought about buying it. This head pain is dreadful- doc says neuralgia so I googled it and it sounds spot on. Occipital neuralgia. Anyone know how long it lasts and any tips for managing it.

carcassone is bloody fabulous!

Ticket to ride's very good too.

ew, neuralgia, I had it a couple of times, it's very painful. I had some codeine, it helped a bit but not much :-( Poor you.

Here you go Faire parka She might actually wear this to school - refuses to wear her nice winter coat, not cool apparently! I got DD a kindle a while back, she uses it a lot and yes you can download foreign language stuff off Amazon. They're very easy to use and I borrow it sometimes, although I do love the feel of a book.

purple well done on the weight loss!

we are off to the in-laws tonight, any tips on how to survive a boring evening? i think basically I'm just antisocial

have got some wine for tomorrow night... i think my goal is not necessarily to drink less, but just to be less of an idiot. especially around my mil. I dont think i could manage to control it so I'd better stay sober tonight. dont know if this is making sense to anyone else...

Evening, tis me, Mouse

I'm not coping well.

I wanted to C&P this as this is what happened to Nemo except for the fact that they finally listened to me and rushed him to PICU and after hours of them working on him, trying to get fluids into him, they had to put needles into his bones to get fluids into his system, he lived even though I was told to call DH to get him to say goodbye to our son. It was November 2009. He was only six months old. Every op has lead to his life hanging in the balance. Every bloody one and I'm absolutely scared to death Babes

PLEASE DON'T READ IT IF YOU'LL GET UPSET AS IT'S NOT A NICE STORY, IT'S UTTERLY HORRIFIC WHAT HAPPENED TO HER AND HER FAMILY, BUT I'M POSTING IT TO UPDATE THOSE WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH IN THE PAST

Tragic death at BCH

I'm sorry for being no help or support right now. DH and I are bickering, I want to hold Nemo all of the time. He woke screaming last night and I held him for hours...... I think he understands, we've touched on it briefly.

Sorry Babes. xx

I hope you're all okay, I'm sorry to bring the thread down but I need to let it out or I'll drink myself through it and I'm not letting that happen. He needs me sober.

mouse i havent read the link, but know how scared you must be. Its totally understandable. Have you talked to the consultant about your feelings? They can help to reassure you. Before i had surgery, I told the anaesthetist about an incident that happened to my grandfather, and he was so good at explaining things to me... big hugs my lovely

Hey Joey

Thanks, yes, they know all about what happened in Birmingham.... and the continued battle we had to be listened to, to be heard, to be believed as well.

I'm glad you spoke up about your fears. xx

I know that this is a new hospital, new staff, new team.... I'm just so bloody pathetically scared. A grown woman who knows how CBT works, the percentages of such and such happening again, the chances are etc.....

DH is not happy with me. He keeps giving me 'it's only flipping Saturday' looks as if to say what will you be like by Wednesday....

Nemo's on the PM list for the surgery on Weds. We're driving up on Tuesday and staying overnight in a hotel near to the hospital.

But right now? I'm going to go and watch some comedy and eat a huge bag of maltesers.

Thank you for letting me get it out here, don't read the link if you don't want to, please. It;s for those who have no idea really of what happened and means I don't post it openly here.

Night Babes. xx

Oh mouse you aren't bringing the thread down.you need us and we are here. You have had a rough ride with nemo over the years, and having almost lost him, after the loss of the triplets, it is understandable that you fear for him. You must be shitting terrified. But he needs you to be strong and to do this for him. It will change his life and give him a much better chance at so many things. Be strong, mouse for your little fighter and for DH who must be equally terrified. We will all be here for you.

Mouse {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}} Nemo is going to be alright. He's going in to have his cleft palate repaired, is that right? Isn't that's a pretty straightforward procedure or are you concerned about him having a general?
June had a sleep study done this week because the doctors want to assess how she'd be under a general anesthetic (she may have an op to try and realign her hips, very complex and no guarantee of success) and her dad (my ex) said it was a really upsetting experience.

I saw her today and played with her, what a little ray of sunshine she is despite everything that doesn't work properly and then they left and I watched her walking to the car in her funny little bent-legged way and I just wanted to howl...I can't imagine what you're going through but please please don't drink (I know you won't) and keep on talking to us. xx

I'm not sure how I'd cope if one of mine had to go in for an op. It must be terrifying. You have to keep going for him though, you're doing a great job, just a few more days worrying. We're all hoping it's a big success & changes little nemo's life for the better.

Love & hugs.

Hello, I have never posted here before and feel v conscious of crashing your thread. But there are lots of firsts happening for me at the moment and I have been kindly invited to post on here having started a thread in general health about the fact I have reached breaking point about my drinking. But I am very very scared about all that it is going to open up for me. Anyway, hers is my post...I have posted a bit after this but not sure how to copy the whole thread? But I look forward to joining you, and on a night when I am not quite so absorbed in the fact I am for the first time in my life describing myself as an alcoholic I will read the thread! I am sorry to seem so self-absorbed...I feel a bit lost

It has taken me about a year to write this post. I have now for a long long time from reading these boards accepted that I have a problem. I want to be normal, want to have a drink or two now and again, but I can't. And I don't want to carry on like this.

I can't spend too long thinking about all there is to say that has brought me to this point, otherwise I will never ever click the button and finally finally finally say it out loud, even if just on the Internet.

On the outside, I am totally functional, 3 DC, lovely marriage, happy home, part time work....but I am haunted by by inability to control my drinking. Recently I have been able to control it more - nights off, no drinking in the week, but I still give in when I don't want to. And I drink fast, and I generally am always the one that drinks the most. And I had a night recently whe I drunk 1.5 bottles of wine on my own, and know that is pretty awful. My DH is lovely, but doesn't get how bad it is (generally unobservant plus I lie about my alcohol consumption).

I am having CBT for anxiety, but I have had this moment of clarity today that my anxiety is so much a mental health problem cause by my drinking. Bt I am so scared of going next session and telling my therapist that it is alcohol that is the real problem in my life, and anxiety is secondary. But I know I probably should?

Also, should I not even thinking about 'moderation' in getting on top of my alcohol issues? Should I be thinking only of abstinence? When I was pregnant and followed very strictly the '1 or 2 units once or twice a week' ( as it was then) I was in my ideal world - I learnt that actually a small glass of wine when iut for dinner was all I wanted (I would then get full and tired and that kne glass had fully satisfied me), one small glass of champagne at a wedding, and then having coherent conversations and waking uo hangover and GUILT FREE made my world a very very happy place. And it was am awakening, I drunk, and could look forward to a glass of wine, but in complete moderation with no consequences (I know some dispute re drinking in pg but I w sticking to the guidelines at the time, and don't want to have a conversation about that now)..so how have I let myself get back here?

I used ti be a very heavy smoker and I ave managed to stop entirely. I believe I can conquer my problems with alcohol, because I have done it with smoking (I don't underestimate how bloody awful it will be, I say this because I tell myself this to feel hopeful rather than 'can't do anything about it so may as well keep drinking).

My mum was/is an alcoholic but she has not drunk for 10 years or so. I admire her, but yet there were some awful awful times when I was younger which I still feel very very angry about. The one thing in the whole world that k want is to not do the same to my kids.

I a not sure the point of my post, I just know I have got to the point that I can say all this. I never thought I would even get this far. I know I have a problem - it has taken me a long time to accept this but I am now finally there. It is what to do now. I have read so many posts that say AA...but the thought of that terrifies me so much, that I think it would prevent me from tackling my problem. Is it not the case that there are all different kinds of treatment methods, including CBT? Should I start with my current therapist? Should I go back to the GP?

I am waffling, this is long and I am about to chicken out and delete and carry in drinking wine and watching the xfactor. I feel pathetic, but please be kind, I am very very very scared. And j have also (I hope) namechanged.
I guess I really want some advice on where to go next....

Thank you.

Hello Something and welcome to the bus. You are in a safe place here, no one will be unkind.

Well done for making that first post. You will get lots of support and tons of advice. The best thing for now is just to take it one day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow or next week or Christmas or any other time. Just stay in there here and now.

This would be a good place to start. It's the very first thread and follows one amazing lady's journey to sobriety.

Mouse well done for getting it all out. Keep posting, we are all here for you. I know you are worried sick and there is nothing really anyone can say to ease that pain. But keep talking anyway x

Somethinggottagive you're definitely right, alcohol contributes in a big way to anxiety and depression. Plus, when you quit, the withdrawal makes anxiety & depression a bit worse for a few weeks till you're not so chemically dependent.

If you want to take this in babysteps, that's ok, pick an achievable target and work at that.

For you, how about not drinking Sunday to Thursday initially? You have 3 kids & in a couple of weeks you'll see an improvement in how you feel about yourself as a mum & as a person. Lots of the ladies here have noticed improvements in energy, weight loss, mood, confidence, self belief.

You can make changes, it's up to you if you go to the AA or to your doctor, but you don't have to. All you have to do is find something else for your fingers to do when you're itching to open that next bottle. (It may sound easy, it isn't.)

Keep in touch & best of luck :-)

Something a big welcome to you and thank you for such an interesting and well-written post. You're adding something to the thread, not crashing it, and newcomers are what keeps it fresh.

The similarities between us are many, even down to watching the XFactor (isn't James amazing?) It was scary for me too when I first owned up to the severity of my problem but in doing so, not only was I taking the first step in addressing my alcohol issues but entering a whole new world where I wasn't alone and struggling. I feel I've made friends here and I'm sure you will too.

I've been sober for about 6 months with a few relapses which I'm not beating myself up about; they're all part of trying to get on top of it. It's still hard; yesterday I battled a wine craving for about 6 hours but with a few tools I've developed I got the better of it. The result is that I've woken up this morning with a light heart and my self-esteem intact. It makes me shudder to think how I'd feel if I'd given in...Do come back and post later, what plans do you have for today?

something well done for coming over and joining the bus. It has been, and continues to be, my lifeline. No one will judge, everyone will understand although slaps with wet fish are meeted out when needed.<stares pointedly at purple.
Our bus driver is usually silver when she is around, there is a sidecar for those who have fallen temporarily off the bus, and even a roof rack where the controlled drinkers sun themselves and take in the view. mouse usually provides the bacon rolls, but she is a little caught up with things in real life just now so on Wednesday the bus will be parked in the hospital carpark while her son undergoes surgery. She will know we are there.
Sorry if this makes us sound a bit bonkers but it is how we get through.

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Soma - he has Pierre Robin sequence which is a small lower jaw, narrow airway, tiny mouth and shallow neck which means he is a grade 4 intubation, 5 is the most difficult and virtually impossible.

That's what the terror is. That and him bleeding out again for over an hour like last time because of post op care not being up to scratch.

In my head I know that it's all a different hospital, staff, ward, surgeon etc..... but in my heart I'm scared it will be the same all over again. People keep saying it won't happen again, the emergency admission to PICU but they said that they first time, and the second and the third.......

I'm not going to get wasted, I need my wits about me and Nemo needs me more than ever over these next few days. I actually don;t want to drink, I want to sleep and wake up and it all be done and fine.

DH is worried about my own disability and how I'll cope, as only one parent can stay overnight and of course there's no room in the parent accommodation as per. There never is! Every time they say for us to book in, it's full. Luckily, he's staying with friends of ours who live close to the hospital.

Soma - Nemo has had two sleep studies now, they are scary and not very nice but I'm glad they are checking how June would cope with anaesthesia before just going for it. Give her a big squidge for me next time you see her xx

Anyway, thank you all your support, it means the world to us, it really does.

Welcome to Something - You are in the right place and I'm glad you were pointed in our direction

As Ma said, we're not here to judge, just to support one another through life, love and laundry!! Find a seat and get comfy, I've made beef casserole and DH has freshly baked a farmhouse loaf to go with it for later when it gets cold and dark.

Right, Nemo needs some mummy time as DH is out with the wolf, DD is due back and I am busy writing lists about lists to remind me where I put my lists!

I shall be thinking of you and Nemo dear Mouse.

Alcohol Awareness week so going to be full on up here in Yorkshire, we have lots planned. The de-stigmatization process with my middle aged Mums dying for a drink is coming on, very difficult taboo to break, but nothing worth doing is easy.

Soma often think of you and Alfie, it's sarah by the way, got a nc for Christmas! I have a couple of pics of my dogs and chickens that are public. The Limpet is very old, a little blind and a lot deaf, he is quite irreplaceable though, so will not be getting another jack russell.

Glad you found the BB thread Something, it's full of love and empathy. xx

Hello Sarah (of old), it's so good to hear from you. I love your pictures - can I come and join you reading under the tree? I hope Alcohol Awareness week goes well, I think it would be such a good idea if they did something like that in schools but DD (12) hasn't had any "education" on the subject yet. Maybe they leave it till they're a bit older. It might stop her from being a middle-aged mum dying for a drink.

Mouse thank you for explaining about Nemo. June has very narrow airways too (is still being tube-fed because she can't swallow), as well as having hearing and talking problems. Keep strong, it will be fine. xx

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Although I am aware of friends around me who drink too much I have always felt alone - that not single one of them is like me...and 'god if they only knew' eg we go to the cinema - they go home to bed, I go home and drink 3 glasses of wine and then go to bed.

Today I feel scared but relieved! It really, marvellously feels a big first step! Sunday is a roast day and that often means not only wine with the meal, but a glass (or two) while cooking and another couple watching TV after the kids. "don't worry! Everyone has wine with roasts on a sunday" but I need to say to myself, but not like this they don't.

And that is what I have said to myself and I know I will stick with it. I have bought biscuits to look forward to watching TV after (from one demon to another but I think I just have to manage what I can).

I have also turned down an invitation for a roast at friends today which I would not have done this time last week - I would have jumped at the chance for a reason to drink even more! And I have contacted the friend I am seeing for dinner out this week and arranged to meet at a place where I will drive to. So I am feeling motivated and positive. I have also had a brief chat with my DH and told him I am taking action to change my drinking habits - I have told him I do not want to eg go to our school Christmas do so fearful of how much I will drink, what I will say and what I will do. I won't do anything that others don't see as 'brilliant fun' or 'on such great form' but I just want to be the boring one for a while.

On the other hand, I have had two separate exchanges with 2 friends today suggesting social occasions. Both feel a threat to what I want to do regarding my drinking, and my mind spun through panic to 'oh god I'll just get pissed' back back to panic. I think maybe I just need to get them in the diary for new year and then not worry about them for now.

Since posting last night I have felt obsessed with all the social engagements in my diary and how I will manage them. At home I can manage - I can and do do it (I know my triggers eg getting kids to bed and I know if I can battle that first hour, once I had eaten, the craving goes. I often drink a becks blue at those times which remarkably can hit the spot well). But it is the social engagements that feel almost impossible. The disappointment I feel I am giving to people (after all, that's how I feel) when I show up and announce I am not drinking. I feel I am letting people down.

So, I am more determined than ever. But I am still not clear on my goals and that's where I need to keep thinking and would welcome advice. Abstinence sun - thurs and then moderation fri and sat? Would that be a good starting point? Or am I kidding myself. The abstinence sun - thurs feels doable, the moderation is the bit that feels more of a challenge.

Thank you thank you for welcoming me. It has taken a big gulp to refresh this thread today. It is also hard as I can only really look on my phone - I have logged out of my username on the iPad as I am not ready for DH to see (chances are he wouldn't). As you kindly said - baby steps.

Thank you too for an explanation of who goes where. I like the sound of it all. To feel I am brave, not a pisshead or a f@ck up, if I can really let myself believe it sounds a very good start too.

Thank you thank you. (have read back and realise I sound rather serious in all this, not how o usually right, but think it is a result of me trying to be factual (no more lies, not even to myself) and objective about my drinking.

something don't worry about the biscuits, some clever person on here said 'Deal with your issues in the order in which they will kill you' - biscuits are waaaay down on the list!

well I managed to get through last night at the in-laws, and it really wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. The first part of the evening was a struggle - I only did it by telling myself I could have some wine tonight not the best incentive. But it got easier, I ended up losing spectacularly at a game of cluedo - by forgetting which cards I had in my own hand - which everyone thought was hilarious because I was sober!

For some reason I slept badly again, and had reflux - have to keep reminding myself I'm doing this for psychological reasons, as I don't feel any better physically!

I think it is getting easier, thats the 3rd time I've survived an evening sober listening to mil babbling on... roll on xmas, I can do this.

So, I am more determined than ever. But I am still not clear on my goals and that's where I need to keep thinking and would welcome advice. Abstinence sun - thurs and then moderation fri and sat? Would that be a good starting point? Or am I kidding myself. The abstinence sun - thurs feels doable, the moderation is the bit that feels more of a challenge.

Something - don't worry too much about setting yourself a permanent goal just yet. Just get into the swing of cutting back. You'll see some benefits in a few weeks & also see how you're coping. This will help you work out what you want. It saves you worrying too much at the start.

Like you, I always equated social occasions with drinking and non-drinkers as boring. It's taken a few tries, but I'm getting better at being the funny, outrageous me without the aid of wine. The more you do it, the more natural & easy it feels.

saf if you're around - just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow, I hope everything goes okay! will be thinking of you. what are you wearing (i like to know little details like this!)

my dh has started 2 new jobs in the last 9 months - I know how nervewracking it can be! just remember most people will be too busy getting on with their own work to worry about you, just be yourself xxx

something . I agree, don't over think it. As long as you are cutting back in some way,that is a start. We all do it different ways on here - MIFLAW ( our boy babe) is an advocate of tough love and AA and has been dry now for years, JWN took the bull by the horns and turned her life around,faire is a controlled drinker, isindie and I struggle to stay out of the sidecar, and everyone else is somewhere in between.
We are all surrogate aunties to the beautiful nemo
Stay with us - this bus could do with some intelligent passengers instead of this lot of old soaks

ma how's the head/throat/everything from the neck up...?

Hey alias throat ok, still having major problems with neuralgia in head though. Think might try acupuncture if it doesn't shift soon

Ma - sorry that you are still suffering, neuralgia SUCKS! Acupuncture may well be the way forward..... is it worth going back to the GP?

Saf - if you are reading this, I hope you're having a nice celebratory weekend, and that tomorrow goes well for your first day in your new job. xx

I've cut Nemo's hair and my God it's fecking tragic. I'm going to have to wait until he is asleep and have another go. He refused to sit still after the first side so one side is okay, the other not so. I wanted to tidy him up a bit....... NOTE TO SELF > Stop trying to make everything 'okay'. What will be will be and we'll deal with life as it happens. Hair cut or no hair cut, he's still uber gorgeous in his turtle PJs, teddies all around him having his tube feed watching Shaun the Sheep on DVD.

Something - how are you holding up? I hope that you know you can post about anything here........ we all do, well, maybe just me but alcohol is a part of all of our lives, whether it's past, present or potentially in the future again.

It's always great to have new Babes aboard.

Hello Sarah, love the NC xx

Something until you are sure you want to go out socialising, it might be better to cancel some outings. If your friends will be disappointed that you're not drinking, they may not be the good friends you think they are. You have to do what's best for you and your real friends will accept that and support you.

So, not drinking when out - some excuses you can use are that you're driving (as you've done already), you're on a diet, you're on antibiotics, you've got a headache and alcohol will dehydrate you, you've got to be up early in the morning, you're detoxing for health. Any of these will usually be accepted without question.

Saf hope it all goes well for you tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly it's come round to Day 1. How exciting! x

Hello Faire - long time no speak.... I feel really out of touch here at the moment. How are you?

Something - great suggestions up there as to why you can't/aren't/don't want to drink but something I did at the start of stopping, was drink cranberry juice on it's own as my favourite tipple was vodka and cranberry so everyone assumed that I was still having the same.

I never got into rounds saying that money was tight or I was only having one or two drinks etc......... if you plan your night, it will come to fruition, in time.

Just catching up babes - weekend well and truly in the sidecar - Mouse the fact you are dealing without this without a drink is amazing - Nemo has the best mum in the world - thinking of you - Purple Please keep posting the positive stuff it is nudging me in the right direction thank you - well done girl

Thank you everyone. I feel as if I have come crashing into a group of established friends talking about your important issues and big things in your lives...I have literally interrupted the conversation and you have done nothing but welcome me. I am extremely grateful. I know, as I suppose all you do, these steps are so very very tentative that it doesn't take much to think 'oh forget it then' - this thread is already making it quite difficult for me to do that!

I have been reading the first ever thread this evening as well. Very powerful. Particularly the poster who struggled with AA because other people's stories made her feel 'actually I am Ok because I am not that bad'. I have done a lot of 'I don't drink spirits and I don't drink in the mornings therefore I am Ok'. The key I am beginning to realise, is that I don't always (often/usually) have control therefore I am not Ok. I read in that thread (or maybe this, I have been reading this too) that alcoholism is a train just with people having got off at different stops. Bt it is the same train. (as I type this I have had a lightbulb moment that this is perhaps the point of the bus analogy!?).

Some extremely helpful thoughts, thank you. I think perhaps cancelling social engagements for the time being is the right thing to do. Particularly those billed as 'piss-ups' where there will nit be many people. It is not really the coming up with excuses - my friends all know I have young DC who sleep badly, I have been trying to do weight watchers for many months, plus many know about my anxiety - all good reasons for them (and me, FFS) to not question my non-drinking. It is more about how I face it, prepare for it and manage it while I am there. Pregnancy did make me realise I could have fun with booze, but I found it extremely hard to never ever escape myself. It was that escape that I longed for and know I will miss.

So, a few steps at a time. No drinking today and it has been relatively easy, despite the roast. I have eaten a lot (but I love the 'worry about it in the order it will kill you' advice!). Until about 6 months ago I couldn't not tell you the last day I had not had at least one drink, bar being pregnant. In, if I am honest, the last 15 years. Bt I have made significant progress in breaking that cycle - but a) that as been slowly creeping back (until today it has been 2 weeks of drinking every day, even a small amount but nevertheless every day) and b) I have been bingeing to the same extent - out with friends but also alone. So I have made some progress, but I nevertheless am not able to control it.

I categorically know my life without alcohol will be happier than my life with. The guilt I have with my drinking is awful and the effects in my mental health are becoming quite debilitating. I loathe myself as a person, but most of all as a mother (a direct result, no doubt of my own mother's alcoholism) with the level of drinking I have now. I feel it is for me to break the cycle and set my children free of the grip that alcohol can have on life and happiness.

So. On and up. I have to acknowledge these feelings are relatively new. When I s pregnant with DC1 I was desperate to get boozing again. I remember saying to a friend how bloody glad I was that i was only pregnant, and not someone who had to give up for life. Now, I desperately want to be that person. I also remember only 6 months or so ago that I said to someone I know at some point much further down the line that I would probably give up alcohol for good. Somehow that much further down the line has become 'now" in quite a short space of time. So all this is good. But I also hear your very sound advice not to worry about the goals I should be aiming for. I am impatient (very much so) and part of me thinks but I am ready! I will quite for good right this second! But I also accept that it is a process, and I mustnt f@ck it uo with my impatience, which in turns leads me to an 'all or nothing' reaction.

dH hovering for bed s I must go. But thank you thank you thank you.

welcome something sounds like you have reached a turning point and have some good insight - I'm note even in the bus at the moment and don't have wise word except - One Day at a Time that seems to be the key - just commit to not drinking today and don't think about tomorrow, next week, Christmas, forever etc - they will take care of themselves just don't drink for today - your drinking and feelings about it sounds quite similar to mine wish you all the luck in the world and really interested to hear how you go on.x

wow, I passed on some advice and someone said it was useful! I feel absurbdly proud that I 'helped', if only I could help myself... ha, ha

something you haven't crashed a group of friends, you have joined us.some of us are newbies too, and others have been here forever
I remember well my first post and feeling awkward about joining an established group but its really not like that. People come and people go and people give what they can and take what they need.we are all in them same boat bus.

Thank you Greeny xx

Something - yes, we're a group of 'friends' I suppose who all get together every day or other day, or week, month etc and have a good old moan about life!

But the one thing that keeps us coming back, however often or not is alcohol. Life is shit. Life is hard, sober or not it really can be shit, so having this Bus is my way of waffling on about how scared I am for my son, worried about my own pain levels over the next few days..... knowing that I may lose my son due to complications as before, knowing that I may have to 'make that call' when asked...... knowing that I may not.

Giving consent to another human being to take care of my precious boy is hard BUT I have to do this for him to move forward.

A man I have met twice is going to try to fix him. And I, as a mother, have to put all of my faith, my heart and my soul into this man's hands and let him at least try to give our son a better quality of life.

And now, I am going to STFU as you guys MUST be sick of me by now and it's only Sunday!!!

Thank you all for your kind words, the next day or so will drive you mad so please feel free to ignore me..... it's just how I get it out in black and white so that DH and I don't go mad.

Last night he actually had a go at me for having the wrong TV channel on even though he wasn't in the room!?

Strange how fear can release a part of you that you didn't know you had inside you.

Stay strong Babes, I'm going to take my laptop with me so I can log on if that's okay and update you all?

I love this Bus. I love that we can dip in and out and always be welcome. Everyone can be on this Bus, well, unless you're Dave Cameron, then you can fuck the fuck off quite frankly.

Night all.

Something - take your time, find your path, find what suits you lovely xx

Thurso - are you out there? Obrigada? Silver? Saf? IsinDe? and venus? xx

don't forget Rural, hope you're ok.

Something - well done on getting through your first day!

Ticking off those days now, mouse - how are you feeling? Got everything you need ready for Wednesday?