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I feel like a terrible wife...

(73 Posts)

I have a toddler & a 5 week old who was born by crash c-section. Am still quite sore around my wound area. Earlier I woke up to my husband being all loving, rubbing my back, cuddling me, kissing my neck etc, which normally would be lovely but at the moment I am horribly sleep deprived & I just wanted him to get off me. In fact I was praying our baby would wake up so I'd have an excuse to get away.

I feel bad as he was only trying to show me some affection, but he has form for being unable to just cuddle & kiss without trying to lead onto full sex, which is where I thought this was going. I just seem unable to show him any affection at the moment, I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on.

Sorry I'm waffling but I'm tired & just needed to get my thoughts out, it seems so trivial written down though. Do you think this is just a post baby hiccup or symptomatic of bigger problems?

Hyperballad Thu 25-Oct-12 05:09:53

It doesn't sound trivial to me. Have you explained to him all this? How much you hurt, how long recovery will be and that you still live and want him?

I know we like to think we shouldn't have to explain this kind of stuff to our DP's and they should just get it, but they don't, so we do.

Hyperballad Thu 25-Oct-12 05:10:37

*still love not live.

TanteRose Thu 25-Oct-12 05:27:12

Come on, any normal person would realize that purposefully waking up a sleep-deprived, post-op mother is NOT ON! Bloody hell, if my DH had done that to me, I would have gone fucking ballistic angry
He can show his love and affection for her during the day, by making sure the washing and cleaning is done, so she doesn't have to struggle.

It makes me cross that we excuse some men, because they don't "get it". Of course they bloody get it...most men are not like this, because they are halfway decent human beings

Grrrr angry

CaliforniaLeaving Thu 25-Oct-12 05:27:26

5 Weeks after a c-section I would have jumped out of bed an woke the baby myself. It took me ages to get back to being intimate after I had mine.
Maybe you do need to explain this too him, some men have no clue, I know my Dh didn't know anything.

Hyperballad Thu 25-Oct-12 05:38:12

Hang on Tante, it works both ways, there are quite a few things that I don't 'get' when it comes to my DP, and if he sits down and explains stuff to me then I can understand better and therefore react more appropriately to the situation.

treaclesoda Thu 25-Oct-12 05:38:22

you are not being a terrible wife, you are exhausted and probably in pain. As a grown man he should be able to work that out for himself. Don't doubt yourself.

TanteRose Thu 25-Oct-12 05:43:55

Like what, Hyper? An example, please, of where you could be as dense as this OP's husband is being

CalamityJones Thu 25-Oct-12 05:50:34

What was his reaction when you didn't reciprocate?

Hyperballad Thu 25-Oct-12 05:52:37

Well I have decided to make an effort to shut up moaning to him and elliviate as much pressure off him as possible. This comes from me having a moan at him the other morning about several things I was unhappy about which I realised were not all that important when he explained to me how hard it was going to be this month to pay all the bills and how he is doing his best.

So I suppose you would argue that I shouldn't have been so dense in the first place and should have just 'got' that situation before ever opening my mouth.

(sorry op, didn't mean to hijack your thread, hope you are feeling ok)

nooka Thu 25-Oct-12 05:54:50

You are not being a terrible wife, but please do talk to your dh about how you feel. Communication is incredibly important when you are both adjusting to life with a baby. It is very very easy to assume that your other half knows how you feel, but he is not telepathic and you are both in very new territory. It is I think very easy to shut down when you are exhausted (I know I did) but it can be very damaging to a relationship if it becomes the norm.

nooka Thu 25-Oct-12 05:56:24

Sorry, didn't notice until I just posted that you already have a toddler. Doesn't change my advice though - it was when I had our second that dh and I really went though a bad patch and for much the same reasons. I found having a toddler and baby (I also had a section) just exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically.

CalamityJones Thu 25-Oct-12 05:56:50

Although I hope that most men wouldn't need to be told that waking their wife up for sex at 4am five weeks after having a baby might not be the best idea..

TanteRose Thu 25-Oct-12 06:02:58

Hyper, you were not being dense in that situation - you just didn't have all the available information smile

If your DH had been working all hours for a month, and had already indicated that things were tough at work, and THEN you started moaning at him to buy a new car - now THAT would be dense grin

OP, hijack over...hope you can sort things out

Fairylea Thu 25-Oct-12 06:23:34

5 weeks after an emergency c section ans your husband is waking you up for cuddles / possibly sex..... wtf?!!!

That is SO not on!

I would have gone mental. The baby should be the only thing that's waking you.

My sex drive didn't even begin to return after my section until about ten weeks afterwards and for some it's much longer.

You are not a bad wife op, but you do need to speak with your dp.
Communication is very important so he knows what you are feeling and how tired you are.
Men seem all to eager in returning to sexual intercourse, not realising how much having a new baby affects you mentally and physically. Lets be honest a man doesn't know what it's like to give birth nor does he experience most of the things associated with having a newborn hence the reason you sometimes have to drum it into them.
Speak to him op

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 07:47:01

"I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on. "

The 'but' is that he is selfish and inconsiderate. If he has a track record of assuming that any physical intimacy always leads to sex then what you may have dismissed as 'lusty enthusiasm' in the past, you probably now realise is not right. It is not being a 'bad wife' to say no to sex - and that's regardless of whether you've just had a baby or not - but the fact that you see yourself in that light is clearly what you believe. It is being a 'bad husband' however to be so inconsiderate and expect sex whether your wife wants it or not.

Talk to him, explain how you feel and judge him by his actions and words. Any hint of sulking or accusing you of being a 'bad wife'.... unacceptable

Helltotheno Thu 25-Oct-12 08:36:12

Tell him to dust off his right hand and move to the spare bedroom for as long as it takes...

Lueji Thu 25-Oct-12 09:04:28

Tbh, at the best of times, being awoken to have sex would have led to a sharp elbow and a few choice words.
To do that to a woman in pain and sleep deprived, is just selfish and thoughtless.

He needs to be told it's not on, and kicked out of bed if he persists.

FootLikeATractionEngine Thu 25-Oct-12 09:08:49

Did you talk to him a couple of weeks ago when you wrote the other thread? What did he say?

Sounds stalky, but i don't post much but did on your thread which is why I remember.

He says he wasn't after sex last night, he 'just wanted a snog then he'd go back to sleep'. I told him I didn't trust him not to try & take it further & he said he was hurt by that and that he knew I'd let him know when I was ready. To be fair to him he didn't take it further after I kissed him but to be totally honest I didn't even want to do that but did to get him to leave me alone.

I did try chatting to him after my other thread & he seemed to get the message, and he didn't try to lead it to sex last night, but isn't it normal to not feel like any sort of intimacy at 3am when you're sleep deprived?

olgaga Thu 25-Oct-12 09:59:10

It is not normal to wake up a sleep deprived woman recovering from major surgery at 3am for a "snog".

It is selfish, thoughtless and really heartless behaviour. What on earth was he thinking?

I would have been absolutely furious!

olgaga Thu 25-Oct-12 10:02:20

Frankly I can't believe you feel like "a terrible wife".

He is a terrible husband!

What's this guff about "communication"? Is he really so stupid he doesn't understand that 5 weeks after a second baby, delivered by crash c-section, things probably won't return to normal for a while?

Why should the OP have to spell this out to him?

He sounds horrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 10:03:05

You don't have to be sleep deprived not to want to be woken up at 3am - for any reason. Doesn't matter if he wants a snog or a chat about 13th Century Literature, just because he's woken up doesn't make it OK to wake up others.

Lueji Thu 25-Oct-12 10:29:57

Normal behaviour would be to snuggle up to the person and try to go back to sleep.

Lancelottie Thu 25-Oct-12 10:38:48

I well remember saying to similarly dense DH, after he'd protested that he just needed to know that I still lovedhaving sex with him', that 'I love mountain walking, but not at bloody 3 a.m. after no sleep for weeks!'

I think he tiptoed away from the crazy sleep-deprived woman before I went and got my crampons on...

needsomeperspective Thu 25-Oct-12 10:39:13

Wow. Well flay me alive because I rolled over at 345 last night after waking up and curled up round my husband, kissed his back and told him I loved him. I guess rather than turning over and giving me a kiss and a cuddle he ought to have kneed me in the crotch and told me to fuck off and let him sleep.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 25-Oct-12 10:41:46

That would be after your husband had a Caesarian section and been up all night feeding the five week old baby, right? Oh wait...

Hyperballad Thu 25-Oct-12 10:42:25

So what's the alternative olgaga, your going to tell her to leave the bastard??

Op, hopefully he means what he says about knowing that you'll tell him when your ready, so trust him on that. If he betrays your trust then this gets quite serious because then I'd question his respect for you.

Hopefully he'll 'sleep through' from now on confused

needsomeperspective Thu 25-Oct-12 11:00:28

Five weeks after my second c section in 12 months I was back at work full time and was loving being able to get back to normal sexual relations with my husband. But I appreciate that on this forum new mothers are apparently supposed to spend at least 4 months avoiding physical intimacy and making sure their husbands are sharing the baby care, night feeds and domestic chores precisely equally as well as never ever touching their wives without a written invitation or risk being deemed misogynistic abusive assholes.

He didn't grab her boob and say "about time you gave me a good shag sugartits" he kissed and cuddled his wife. What a bastard eh. I'd leave him.

olgaga Thu 25-Oct-12 11:02:12

Did I say, anywhere in my posts, "leave the bastard"? No.

OP says she feels "like a terrible wife". I am simply reassuring her that she isn't, and commenting that her husband's behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate.

olgaga Thu 25-Oct-12 11:03:25

It's the issue of being woken up at 3am for no good reason which would send me into an absolute fury.

needsomeperspective Thu 25-Oct-12 11:15:53

Well I'm glad I'm not married to you. Going into a "fury" if your husband rolls over and gives you a cuddle and kiss in the night. Nice.

I don't think the OP is a bad wife at all. Her feelings are perfectly normal. Irritation is entirely understandable. And it probably warrants a "darling I am so knackered at the moment, I know you were only being affectionate and I appreciate that, but please try not to wake me when I'm finally getting some kip." If he then says "fuck you bitch, I will wake you if I want" then yes he is an asshole. If he says "sorry sweetie, I should have thought. I just wanted to give you a cuddle because I love you very much and I'm such a lucky guy to have you and the babies" then he isn't.

Saying her husband has done something awful is just a massive overreaction. What he did was nice, loving and affectionate. He obviously just didn't think about it properly (because he was sleepy?). People can be thiughtless without being selfish assholes. And maybe if she gave him some more affection during the day he wouldn't feel the need to snuggle up to her after they've gone to sleep. It is tempting to jut shut your husband out because so much of your affection and physical intimacy is given to the baby but it can have very long standing negative repercussions to do that. And becomes a habit.

Make the time to give your husband a hug and a kiss and trust that he won't push you to have sex until you want to. From what you say he hasn't tried to jump your bones yet or has given you a reason to believe he is going to. So try to re establish affection even if you aren't ready for intimacy. You might regret it otherwise.

YesAnastasia Thu 25-Oct-12 11:20:35

I feel like a terrible wife quite often. I had the same birth situation as you & I just felt like my body was broken after having the baby, weird breasts, getting no sleep, worrying about a newborn etc. I couldn't have let my husband have sex with me for anything in the world. I just told him 'no way, so don't even try'.

Unfortunately, I'm still the same 21 months later. I throw in a pity sh*g every now & again but TBH I'd rather not. It's sleep deprivation for sure. (and the lack of alcohol in my life these days I suspect)

And anyway, being woken up for sex at 3am is for when you've only been together for 3 months. And perhaps childless people.

Dryjuice25 Thu 25-Oct-12 11:22:39

OP- I'd have been livid in your position. Snoring is banned in my bedroom let alone deliberate awakening for a "loving cuddle" at stupid o'clock. Why doesn't he have common sense to know you're already sleep deprived let alone recovering from c-section. Can't he talk about it at a reasonable and convenient time.

I have a 14 week old and i'd kill for more sleep. Give him a good talking to. C-section or not I wouldn't like to be woken up unless the house was on fire.

OneMoreGo Thu 25-Oct-12 11:23:50

I would have been wildly pissed off! So would the majority of women on this thread. Lots of blokes WOULDN'T have been this thoughtless, so there is no harm in pointing out that he is being a tad unreasonable!
Agree with Cogito that it doesn't matter why he was waking her, it the fact he was at all that is most offensive. Guilting the poster and telling her she should be more affectionate to her husband or she will 'regret it' is not super helpful, IMO.

I just want to reiterate I wasn't furious with him for waking me up, I was upset because I wanted nothing to do with him. It's difficult at the moment as my mum is staying with us so we don't have any privacy. I guess I need to trust him & let him have some affection without worrying that he's going to try for more, if he does then I guess we need to talk more seriously.

Fairylea Thu 25-Oct-12 11:26:47

Medal for the woman who was back at work full time 5 weeks after her second c section in 12 months...

Sigh.

It's not a bloody race. I was back at work 6 weeks after having dd. 6 weeks after having ds I still felt hit by a truck.

The ops dh shouldn't be waking her up. That's the main issue. Why can't he cuddle during the day ???

Dryjuice25 Thu 25-Oct-12 11:29:06

I agree with olgaga word for word

Lueji Thu 25-Oct-12 11:34:52

Well flay me alive because I rolled over at 345 last night after waking up and curled up round my husband, kissed his back and told him I loved him. I guess rather than turning over and giving me a kiss and a cuddle he ought to have kneed me in the crotch and told me to fuck off and let him sleep.

Seriously?
Can't you see the difference?

What you didn't wouldn't have woken him up, normally, I don't think. And if he responded like that it's because he liked it.

What the OP's husband did was enough to wake her up from deeper sleep and demand a snog.

OxfordBags Thu 25-Oct-12 12:39:33

For those of us who are NOT super women like needsomeperspective (an ironic choice of name, if ever there was one), this is unacceptable. What kind of fucking twat wakes anyone up in the middle of a deep sleep for a cuddle or a snog regardless of their family situation?! Even if the couple are childless, it's a thoughtless and self-centred thing to do. What are they, toddlers who need reassurance that there's not a bogeyman in the wardrobe?!

OP, it's completely normal to not feel affection towards your partner with a baby that small. Your whole being is geared towards giving your affection primarily to that little one (then any other DC). However loving your dh professes his actions to have been, it was very selfish and rude, and he no doubt did want sex if that's his usual form. Even at best, he sounds inconsiderate and selfish; if he is used to always being pandered to, perhaps you actually asserting your own needs is making you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about - although he should - but if you recognise what I've described, then that's a dynamic you should work on.

OneMoreChap Thu 25-Oct-12 12:59:11

Lueji what you actually said was

Tbh, at the best of times, being awoken to have sex would have led to a sharp elbow and a few choice words.

which is what
needsomeperspective
Wow. Well flay me alive because I rolled over at 345 last night after waking up and curled up round my husband, kissed his back and told him I loved him. I guess rather than turning over and giving me a kiss and a cuddle he ought to have kneed me in the crotch and told me to fuck off and let him sleep.

sounds like a response to...

I think OP's man was insensitive, and as she says he has form for moving on, I think she was completely reasonable, and not a terrible wife in any way.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 25-Oct-12 13:07:20

You're not a terrible wife op.

Nobody (except a buffoon) would think it's reasonable to wake a sleeping woman, still in pain 5weeks post caesarian, for a cuddle. Sleep is precious when you have a 5wk old and a toddler - you're dh was being very thoughtless.

Megmog2005 Thu 25-Oct-12 13:12:24

Poor man, he sounds like to he was trying to be nothing more than nice. If I wake up and cuddle my DP at 3am in the morning I hope he isn't thinking 'Get off me' cos I certaintly wouldn't feel that way, whether I tired or not.

gwenniebee Thu 25-Oct-12 13:17:00

You are absolutely not a bad wife - my dd is 15 weeks and I had a normal and in no way traumatic delivery. We have dtd once, and that was because I felt under pressure. I also have the "can't quite put my finger on it" problem - I still love my dh (more than before the baby, if possible) but I just don't have any libido. I don't have anything like the excuses you do!

ClippedPhoenix Thu 25-Oct-12 13:20:38

Your not a terrible wife at all. If he didn't have "form" for this type of thing you wouldn't have reacted like you did. Nows he's sulking and turning it round on you. YUCK. He's acting like a self-entitled twunt.

Tell him again that you will let him know when you're ready and could be please leave you alone until then.

Now, if he wants to "spoil" you out of the bedroom, ie. make a lovely dinner, bring you flowers, take the baby or toddler off your hands for a while, then that would be more than acceptable and would probably move things on far better than going in for the kill at some stupid o'clock.

Smellslikecatspee Thu 25-Oct-12 13:23:31

I have no children.
No recent ops

If OH woke me at 3am for a snog, well I don't know what I'd do as he wouldn't do anything so daft!!

OneMoreChap Thu 25-Oct-12 13:34:52

*ClippedPhoenix
Now, if he wants to "spoil" you out of the bedroom, ie. make a lovely dinner, bring you flowers, take the baby or toddler off your hands for a while, then that would be more than acceptable and would probably move things on far better than going in for the kill at some stupid o'clock.

but be careful not to give him the idea he's doing this for reciprocation/entitlement.

I've seen other posters say they know when DP wants sex, "because he'll start being nice"

I think you just need frank communication. A conversation that reassures him you love him find him attractive, assuming that is how it is, but that sex is just very far away from what you need a the moment.

I htink you need to talk about affection without always leading to sex and that you want to be able to trust him to kiss, cuddle etc without always leading to sex. Becuase it seems such a shame to miss out on that bonding and lvoely stuff becuase you don;t trust to not further.

I would be pissed off to be woken and def make it known this will not earn him affection. I think if he is randy you should also chat about masturbation if that isnl;t already a done thing. I spoke to my DH when pregnant and we chatted, in a jokey way but we were also quite serious that perhaps his libido may have to be satisfied by himself while my body was purely working on producing and giving birth etc. I was strange though, i guess, as I couldn;t keep my hands off DH even the night before Iw as induced and from 2 weeks after C section. We found that after the 3 o clock feed was a lovely time to snuggle as long as sex wasn;t automatically expected from each other.

Ramblings - I'm not well at the moment

I should add though that I take lots of meds for chronic pain and have many no libido times. It is not being a bad wife at all. A sex life is surely much more than do you want to do it or not. I found that DH felt more emotionally rejected than not getting his end in and that lots of cuddles [even if that led to natural reactions... that don;t have to be fulfilled] and frank talking has helped.

P.S, DD was about 10 weeks old before I felt anywhere near 'normal' again. And she was around 3 when we got good sleep....

You are a great wife as you care enough to post.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 25-Oct-12 13:45:45

I don't get what you're on about OMC? Do you have to disect every tiny little thing? Being horrible surely isn't going to work now is it?

Not all men are nice to their wives for sex.

Mine is nice so he gets fed well.... grin

And becuase he loves me more than anyone else in the world

maybenow Thu 25-Oct-12 13:48:02

My husband suffers badly from insomnia - if i wake up and he's still sleeping deeply and it's the middle of the night i would NEVER wake him up, or even snuggle into him in a way that might wake him up. That's because I am thoughtful and considerate.

In the evenings before we're asleep or after 6am if i wake and he's not awake i can snuggle as much as I like. NOT in the middle of the night when i know he needs his sleep.

OneMoreChap Thu 25-Oct-12 13:59:12

ClippedPhoenix
I don't get what you're on about OMC?

Which bit? The bit that some men get the idea be nice, get sex? I've seen that said on Relationships before, usually around entitlement discussions...

Do you have to disect every tiny little thing?

No, why do you think that?

Being horrible surely isn't going to work now is it?

Isn't that part of the issue? Expecting something to "work" rather than wait for the OP to want to dtd with DH?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 25-Oct-12 14:06:17

With respect OMC even the way you post gives me the pip. So I just have to ignore you.

OneMoreChap Thu 25-Oct-12 14:20:12

ClippedPhoenix Thu 25-Oct-12 14:06:17
With respect OMC even the way you post gives me the pip. So I just have to ignore you.

<boggles>

WTF is I don't get what you're on about OMC? then?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 25-Oct-12 14:26:38

Grrrrr.

Because you "referenced" me like you tend to do, then do, and do and do and so on and so forth.

I thought maybe I could answer you but then you did the "reference" italic thing/goading thing and I,ve had to hold my hands up and say I can't!

OneMoreChap Thu 25-Oct-12 14:32:02

Sorry. sad long time newsgrouper so context is all, and showing what I'm answering or asking for details for. Probably best you just ignore me if it's upsetting.

Dahlen Thu 25-Oct-12 15:09:50

What's your DH like otherwise? Is he helping with feeds/nappy changes/looking after the baby? Has his life changed much since the arrival of your DC or has it been yours mainly? Who does most of the housework? And if it's you because you work outside the home less or not at all, has he still upped what he does since having the new baby in order to take the pressure off you?

MooncupGoddess Thu 25-Oct-12 15:15:53

HelsBels - there is something about the way in which you post, and the fact you feel guilty for being cross with his (selfish and irritating) behaviour, that suggests maybe you feel at one level that your husband's needs and feelings are more important than your own...?

birdofthenorth Thu 25-Oct-12 15:19:41

He should feel like a terrible husband instead of you feeling like a terrible wife! Waking you up - not on. Instigating sexual activity when you're in pain- not on. Not realising sex goes on hold for many weeks after a baby and you just have to deal with it - not on.

ledkr Thu 25-Oct-12 15:28:43

After my section there would only be one thing he could wake me for and that would be a bastard house fire and even then he could carry me out. In fact dh knows never to wake me up unless he wants me to singe of his hair with my fiery breath

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 25-Oct-12 15:42:45

Hello OP
I can absolutely sympathise that you are in pain and feeling shattered.

As other people have said here, please don't think you are a terrible wife. You are still healing and I'm guessing consciously or not the idea of accidentally conceiving again is not something you want to contemplate right now.

I just seem unable to show him any affection at the moment, I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on.

When you say "any affection", were you both not usually very demonstrative (spontaneous kisses, impulse hugs, strokes etc) before your children, do you now feel pressured into affection = sex so automatically freeze thinking oh no, touching him will make him get the wrong idea?

shouldkeepquiet Thu 25-Oct-12 21:14:54

My wife had a crash C section also after a home birth went wrong - midwife was way too slow to recognise there were serious issues - another story!
Apart from the pain for 3-4 weeks after i think she also suffered some sort of traumtic stress disorder condition and would get very upset / panic attacks even going to the dentist ect.
Not saying this is the same for you but looking back now ( 6years ago) i think she should have had some support / counselling as it tookher a couple of years to come to terms with what nearly happened.

Offred Thu 25-Oct-12 21:34:09

Whilst I agree in theory with some of what needsomeperspective says I also think it is different her described situation in that her husband was not caring for a 5 week old baby having just had major abdominal surgery in an emergency operation and what the op's husband did was deliberately wake her up to force her to show affection. I think that is worrying especially when she says she is not giving him any affection at the moment, it is like he has perhaps deliberately chosen to pick on her while she is sleeping and vulnerable in order to make her give him affection. Why is he even wanting either of them to be awake for a snog at 3am when the 5 week old baby is asleep? He's likely to be sleep deprived himself and surely even if he did wake up at 3am he'd be more motivated to try and get back to sleep as quickly or stay as sleepy as possible himself instead of groping at his wife (who is not currently showing him affectionate therefore he knows unlikely to want to be groped) until she actually wakes up and then expecting a snog in order to be allowed to go back to sleep. This doesn't sound nice at all, I do think you need to talk, I don't think you are being a terrible wife, if you can't cope with physical affection just now forcing it will not help and you need to talk.

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 25-Oct-12 21:50:47

It's the second time OP has posted and she says she tried talking to her OH after her first thread so it's not like she hasn't put her point across to him. If the only time he does cuddle up and kiss is when they're in bed let alone wake her at 3 am it doesn't sound like he's doing it purely to be nice does it.

Sorry I've not been back, been trying to make sense of what I'm feeling.

Part of the reason I think I've been withholding affection is because I can't even give him a hug without being groped, he's now aware of this problem, he will try & behave better & I will try to trust him...which will hopefully have a positive result.

I told him not to wake me up tonight & he basically said he thought I was already awake last night hence his behaviour & has said he won't do it again...again hopefully a positive.

To the poster who asked if I felt his needs were more important than my own, yes I do struggle with putting myself first, and I see addressing my needs as being selfish. There is a whole back story about desire to please etc from my upbringing which I don't want to go into now.

And to the poster who suggested counselling, I have already made contact with the local 'birth stories' group to try & come to terms with what happened during the birth.

Thanks everyone for posting on here.

Offred Thu 25-Oct-12 22:09:28

He thought you were asleep?! Bollocks he did and why's he lying?

Offred Thu 25-Oct-12 22:09:51

Were awake I mean!!!

Lueji Fri 26-Oct-12 17:55:39

Onemorechap

I know that was a response to my post.
But, like I said, cuddling up to, giving a kiss and saying I love you doesn't necessarily wake up many people.
It's not waking up for sex, nor demanding a snog.

If I had that, I'd just smile, say I love you back and go back to sleep. fine. Or more if I wasn't sleepy...
If I was forced to actually turn around and snog or have sex, then there would be elbows and other words.

Lueji Fri 26-Oct-12 17:58:59

I hope it does work helsbels.

Unfortunately ex was the same, he was more than aware and it didn't get better...

Mayisout Fri 26-Oct-12 18:11:44

In the end you will both be happier if you address your needs equally with his.

Though it is hard to do if you are programmed to be, what you think is, 'caring and loving' when in fact what that really means is always giving him everything that you think he wants, even though deep down you feel put upon.

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