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Wife doesn't love me anymore

(268 Posts)
Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 06:36:57

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 06:40:47

I'm really sorry for you the pain in your post is really obvious.sad I think you really need to establish what it is she wants to happen though.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 06:43:33

You are correct to identify that time won't work btw. What is required is work to get the feelings back and if she doesn't want to do that work, which is totally up to her, then I think it would be kinder to leave sooner rather than later.

Cybbo Fri 19-Oct-12 06:47:38

At the moment you declaring your undying love for her will not make any difference. Ask her what she needs from you, and ask her to be completely honest. Does she give you everything you need as well?

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:00:15

Interesting responses. If you were a woman posting you would be told your DH is a cheating twunt, having a full on affair, don't listen to the crap he's serving up and kick him to the far side of fuck.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:03:38

Not by me sir sugar actually!

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:07:58

And I fail to see how that's helping, we don't know she is cheating. Although I do think the stuff she says about the texts is guff. They are not a symptom or a cause, they're part of a choice to check out of the marriage. That's why I think op needs to find out whether she is just biding time having checked out or whether she wants to actually work on things.

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:19:04

It was a generalised overview of the thread. And the response would have been very different if OP was a woman.

For example, if a DW explained that her DH had told her he doesn't love her anymore suggestions of checking phones etc would be the norm along with lots of 'sorrys' he is having an affair.

I was commenting on the differences in approach here, not giving advice. If you want my avice, she's having an affair

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:19:39

A generalised overview of two posts? Really?

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:19:51

I forgot to add the 'sorry'

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:20:35

I was one of the only two people who commented and I would never suggest checking phones and never say she was having an affair on such little info.

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:21:03

There was three actually

<pedantic>

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:24:09

Three posts, not posters - don't take it personally Offred

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:24:21

Yeah but two of them were mine. Give the handing over passwords and snooping brigade a chance. I don't think that's the point. Op needs to know what his wife feels and then make his own decision about the marriage IMHO.

SirSugar Fri 19-Oct-12 07:26:39

Ok, I will wait; it's early in the morning

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 07:27:14

Anything else is just unnecessary hurt. If she has checked out snooping isn't going to bring her back. If she doesn't want to check back in putting work into providing for her needs would be pointless and erode his self esteem.

hzgreen Fri 19-Oct-12 07:35:16

Hello OP, really sorry to hear about your situation, you wife has said some things that must have been really tough to hear. i think you need to find out more about what her feelings are - saying that she would have left already if not for the kids but is willing to give it some time sounds a bit non commital, if she doesn't want to make it work time won't help, if she does want to try to make things work then you need to start talking about what you both need.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 07:40:08

Your wife's being very cruel and also dishonest with you. Very cruel to keep you on a string waiting to find you if she loves you or not. Dishonest about the flirting. You're clearly in shock at the moment and that's why you're thinking about doing anything to keep things on track. In reality, that desperation puts you in a very weak position and you'll lose any respect both from her and for yourself if you carry on that way. She will believe - rightly at the moment - that no matter how badly she treats you, you will put up with it. I'd suggest you need time to get your head around what has happened and I think that means considering spending some time apart. Sorry you've had this happen.

I think you sound like a good man op, and it sounds like you're wife has had her head turned - easily done with two young kids...
I would tend to take a firmer line - with the aim of getting her to respect/notice you again.
I would say that you are not prepared to live in a loveless marriage and that you want to go to counselling to find out what's wrong. I would suggest that you work on relationship together, lots of talking, time together, but if she refuses to fully commit to you by say new year, then you will leave, bringing whole host of issues with that...

Abitwobblynow Fri 19-Oct-12 07:54:05

Right, I can see why...

STOP appeasing her and assuring her of your undying love. Now is the time to get FUCKING FURIOUS. How DARE she. What a fucking SELFISH, self-absorbed immature vain waste of space she is.

What did she THINK being married meant? What did she THINK making those vows meant?

Threaten to tell everyone. That she is a tarty slut who sends work colleagues messages about fucking him in the shower - whilst she has 2 beautiful children she doesn't give a sh*t about. Tell her you will contact that man, and let him know you are telling his wife - and that she can read for herself the reply about how little she means to him and how quickly she can f off.

The rules don't change for gender, my friend. If you are a soppy walkover, you get disrespected and taken for granted. Believe me on this one.

Time to get very angry. Get into counselling, and find your iron man side.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 08:14:48

I'm not really into getting someone to respect/love you again. They either do or they don't IMO. There's a grey area I accept in my own marriage choice where sometimes you need to work to get back feelings of being in love but I think if the actual love went then that'd be it for me, I couldn't be in an unequal relationship where I knew I wasn't loved or stay if I had lost the love. I'd be happier alone. I'm not into involving everybody else in behaving crappily to my spouse either no matter what he did.

Helltotheno Fri 19-Oct-12 08:38:16

If you are a soppy walkover, you get disrespected and taken for granted.

Agree with this 100%. But I also agree with cogito that you need to get control back in this situation and leave--temporarily at any rate.
Imo people like your wife should not get to sit there and fanny about while deciding what they want. The counselling is few steps after you leaving and getting her to decide what way your future is going to be (that's if you decide to come back). Start making arrangements now regarding the kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Oct-12 08:40:27

"I'm not really into getting someone to respect/love you again. They either do or they don't IMO"

This is very true and why the DW in this instance is being quite cruel. It's one thing to say you're not happy in a relationship or that it needs work or a few changes. It's quite another to pull the rug right from under someone's feet and say you don't love them any more. IMHO you only burn that particular bridge when you've decided it's finally over. Not hold it as a threat over someone.

OP.... Do you think she's telling you it's over really?

fiventhree Fri 19-Oct-12 08:45:17

Actually, I agree with Abitw. Get angry.

She is being selfish. I also suspect a change of style in this way in you may cause her to stop and think.

She has a nerve and is behaving really immaturely, and also putting her childrens happiness at risk for a selfish fling- which is what it is.

Buy yourself Shirley Glass- Not just Friends or Beyond Betrayal by Frank Pittman.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 08:53:27

I don't know what she is doing or what she's said. I think since he is coming from a position of loving her and wanting it to work he needs to know from her whether it is really that she has stopped loving him or whether she loves him but is bored/unhappy etc but wants to make it work. Sounds like the first one to me, if so i would agree to take control and ask for space, but it could still be the second, if she's been fannying around with stupid texts she's decided to divert the intimacy somewhere else but perhaps not consciously and is seeing the intimacy as coming from the workmate and not from the op without realising that has happened because she chose to divert the intimacy away from her husband.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 08:57:23

Your wife is behaving like a twat, and treating you like a mug

OneHandFlapping Fri 19-Oct-12 09:00:32

Lostdad, your wife is selfish and immature.

Yes, having kids is massive life change for her, and I dare say that she feels less confident of her attractiveness, and finds flirty messages an ego boost. But she's a married mum of two, and needs to get her act together and find excitement WITHIN the marriage, not outside.

You sound lovely, and I'm so sorry this happening to you.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 19-Oct-12 09:08:03

She is taking the piss, checking out of her marriage in this way. She is in a fantasy bubble which needs bursting - you need to bring a massive dose of hard cold reality.

senua Fri 19-Oct-12 09:08:25

Your youngest is only eight months old so I'm guessing that she has only gone back to work fairly recently. Tell us more about the decision eg was it mutual?

Careful about 'allowing her time to make a decision'. It could be a cover for 'allowing her time to plan her getaway'.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 09:11:22

More worryingly time could be about making herself fee better about ultimately leaving or enabling her to blame you - "I tried my hardest" kind of a thing. Time without anything really changing wont help.

BegoniaBigtoes Fri 19-Oct-12 09:15:10

OP I'm sorry for you. One big difficulty for men in this situation is that despite the woman presenting them with wanting to separate, or an affair, the man may still be expected to be the one who should leave and not live with his kids, which is horrible. Of course there are other solutions but I would find this really upsetting.

She owes it to you at the very least to have a serious talk. You need to ask her why exactly she doesn't feel about you as she did and what is better about the OM. Also what exactly she sees happening long term if you were to separate. Has she got some plans relating to how you can stay with your children and not be shunted out, as this isn't your fault? And you both need to listen - she needs to think about whether she's just bored and numbed by the exhausting daily routine with two small DC, which could be remedied, and you need to be aware if there is actually anything you've done to deserve her loss of feelings (not saying you have, but for example if you do no housework, go off doing fun stuff at weekends leaving her with the DC etc. as a lot of men you hear about on here do) - then her unhappiness could have built up through resentment.

I think it's possible this is a blip and she'll change her mind, but also possible it's not, but either way you need to keep talking and making sure whatever happens makes things as easy as possible for your children.

Would she consider counselling whe you could talk about all this in a controlled way?

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:21:06

Why should HE leave? He has done nothing wrong? She should go to cool her heels they can do childcare 50/50

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 19-Oct-12 09:22:44

Useful link about the prevention myth:

www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 09:23:58

Has anyone said he should leave? I thought people were saying they'd benefit from time apart rather than telling him to go.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:24:22

Of course this depends on if your wife works p/t and who has the child benefit but nevertheless I would not just assume the you go. She is being cowardly and selfish! Good luck lovely.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:25:30

Yep someone suggested he should go earlier to offer space. Well that person should really be the wife.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 09:28:03

It depends on a lot of factors, the most important being who is best placed to provide childcare and what they hope to gain from the separation.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:31:13

Yep which is what I said but if the OP wants some time to think, I really dont see why wife should automatically get to stay in the family home.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 09:32:00

I think if my husband said he didn't love me and had been flirty texting with someone from work I would want to leave him and the children for a short period to think about my feelings and thoughts clearly. If I decided that what he had said had ended the relationship I'd ask him to leave me and the home and stay with his parents because I'm a SAHM and he wouldn't be able to care for the kids and I wouldn't be able to earn what he does.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:35:14

Yes offred I understand, but that's your situation. I am merely suggesting that the OP should have a little think about what he wants and not necessarily be immediatley jumping to the conclusion that he has to go!

Opentooffers Fri 19-Oct-12 09:38:03

Reminds me of the 'big yellow taxi' lyrics. 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone'. Unbelievable, what your DW has been up to, especially with 2 young DC's and I'm sorry for what the OP is going through.
It sounds to me like a woman who is not thinking clearly, perhaps caught up by a new thrill. But she is most likely not seeing the world as it is around her, has not got to considering how a life on her own with 2 young DC's or how a life with a new person with 2 young DC's can quickly put a crimp on the honeymoon phase of a new relationship.
If you are normally very supportive, you could try withdrawing that support for a while, go away somewhere for a couple of weeks, give her the harsh reality of what life will be like without you. If she uses this time to be with OM, at least you know where you stand, more likely she may come to realise your worth and I hope for you that is the case.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 09:39:55

I know and I agree but I also think the ultimate decision over childcare and houses shouldn't have anything to do with the way the relationship ended but how you're lives are organised and what will provide most stability and security for the children. That was what I meant by my example. I think it must be extremely hard for a man in op's position and he must feel very out of control and desperate and I think she owes him better than "I've stopped loving you and am diverting my energies elsewhere but I'll stay for some kind of grace period". The only thing that'll help is not getting into a fight but getting some clarity on the position he is in and some mental space to make his own decision about what he wants.

Offred Fri 19-Oct-12 09:40:13

*your

skyebluezombie Fri 19-Oct-12 09:42:02

I am very sorry to read your story. My STBXH announced in February that he no longer loved me and walked out. We talked, he came back, walked again six weeks later.

I then discovered he was texting another woman over 100 times a day and flirting with her, so I can understand how you feel. I was given a lot of advice on here, mainly to forget about him, divorce him and move on.....

Your wife is having an affair, emotional if not physical. This doesnt have to mean that your marriage is over, but she does need to face up to what she is doing and until she does, there is no chance for your marriage to work.

You and she need to have a serious talk. You need to know how far it has gone with this man and if she is able to cut contact with him. YOU need to decide if YOU want to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is prepared to deceive you, but that is your decision and nobody elses.

A marriage doesnt have to be over , but you do need complete honesty from both of you

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:42:35

Its not just automatic the she 'will be on her own' with the kids! I worry for the OP that he will give this woman all the power because of a view that if it came to separation the woman gets to keep the house and kids! Not necessarily the case!

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:44:53

I speak from some experience- my ex had an affair, and nowwe share childcare 50/50-despite the fact that I was a SAHM when they were pre schoolers.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:47:41

Its up to you OP of course and you must be in terrible shock. When you feel up to it you might want to suggest a break for a timeperiod check out the legals before you do it tho-you dont want to leave the house only to find that it is hard to move back in again!

Helltotheno Fri 19-Oct-12 09:55:22

Yep someone suggested he should go earlier to offer space.

That was moi ike but actually I totally agree with you and begonia above... I was just focussing on the space element of it but you're perfectly right, he's not the one messing about and there's no way he should be under an obligation to leave the family home. She won't though.

The idea of the space is that it would be short-term. If you show you mean business about these things, that's the best way to change a situation. It's like with kids, there's no point in threatening punishment all the time, you have to follow through to make it effective. I guarantee that if OP told her he was moving out until she sorted her head out, and actually did it, she'd come running, having realised what she stood to lose. THEN the counselling etc can start. Nothing can change if it's all on her terms.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 09:57:34

I understand Hell, its not a big deal and I didnt want to sound pedantic-just offering up a bit of consolation for the OP and something to think about..

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 10:00:22

However I do think knowledge if power OP. Belive me, I totally understand if you dont feel you have the stomach for it at the mo, but just check out your legal position if you decide to have some time away from the family home.

ike1 Fri 19-Oct-12 10:04:43

You can still have a brill family life and not live with the mother of your kids y'know. Look at my ex-just returned from a holiday in New York with partner sees loads of the kids - nice little home...a perfect balance in some ways (wry grimace lol!)

larrygrylls Fri 19-Oct-12 10:09:18

You are being taken for a big ride and your wife is holding all the cards. Tell her to either focus on your marriage or you will start making arrangements for the divorce and go for equal custody of the children (if that is possible). In the interim, tell her that you will be sleeping in separate rooms and you will be putting the house on the market/looking to rent somewhere else. And follow through by discussing all your options with a solicitor.

She is having her cake and eating it, big time.

HoleyGhost Fri 19-Oct-12 11:41:06

There is absolutely no excuse for your wife's behaviour. I second the advice to get away for some time to yourself, to clear your head and help you come to terms with things. You should also get legal advice, find out where you stand.

I can't help wondering about how she is coping with a baby and toddler. If your wife is numb because she is depressed, her flirting with a colleague might be escapism.

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 12:20:04

Good possibility your DW is having an affair I'm afraid. I'd look out for other signs. No time to be asking her what she needs etc etc. She's got what she needs...a lovely guy at home and a bit on the side t work. ap thisr. You need to let her see its not on and make it clear you won't just put up with anything to keep her and keep her happy. If she's saying she doesn't love you, wants to leave etc...let her go. She'll either come crawling back...suspect she will or you'll be well rid.

geegee888 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:36:51

How lovely are you OP?! Your post describes a horrid thing, yet your only concern is for your DW. Her behaviour has been awful, and unfair, but moving on, you have a situation to deal with. Different things work in different situations, so theres no one rule fits all to apply. She might just be feeling in need of more male attention as she feels less attractive after having kids. Alternatively, she could have realised she has married the wrong man. If you love her, you should probably fight for her and let her know how much you love her and how upset you are, but also let her know that you won't put up with this situation indeterminably. Thats the best advice I can think of and I wish you the best of luck.

Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:40:43

Thanks for all your opinions.

I think I'm still in shock because thoughts are processing a bit slower than normal.

I know I can't let it stagnate like this for long. The uncertainty and fear for the future is crippling. I think some time away might be a good idea, but it's just arranging it so the little ones don't suffer.

I've wondered about depression or pnd, wife hadn't been herself for a little bit, and she decided to go back to work earlier than we had planned.

It just kills me that, whatever happens, I've lost my best friend for good sad

Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 12:40:51

Thanks for all your opinions.

I think I'm still in shock because thoughts are processing a bit slower than normal.

I know I can't let it stagnate like this for long. The uncertainty and fear for the future is crippling. I think some time away might be a good idea, but it's just arranging it so the little ones don't suffer.

I've wondered about depression or pnd, wife hadn't been herself for a little bit, and she decided to go back to work earlier than we had planned.

It just kills me that, whatever happens, I've lost my best friend for good sad

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 19-Oct-12 12:42:48

Your wife has been indulging in an emotional affair (at best, taken it physical at worst, but she is unlikely to admit how far it is gone). This means she has already checked out of your marriage, she is focusing her emotions on another man rather than you. This is both selfish and immature, considering you have two young children.

You should be furious with her. She is jeaopardizing her family, her childrens and your happyness, in order to behave like a cheap tart just to feel good about herself.

Do not let her think that she can just swan off with her "new man", or kick you out. If I were you, I would ask her to leave (and not take the kids) so she can give you space and find out what she wants. And also so you can work out whether you still WANT to be with her.

This is as much about what YOU want, as what she wants.

pinotnoirprincess Fri 19-Oct-12 13:21:05

LostDad31
Your wife is treating you, the Father of her children very badly and is copping out of her marriage vows. At this stage, you owe her no favours. I understand that you love her and your family and want things to work out, but right now, I think you need to think of some practicalities. I think you need to turn off the emotion for a few days and go and take some legal advice about your situation as to regards to your living arrangements and your children. I think it is very important that you do this. If you break up, then you are not in a vulnerable position and you know your rights. If you stay together, no harm done, she'll never know you sought legal advice. How do you know she is not using this thinking time to get her ducks in order? Please go do this. It may save you a lot of grief later. You have done nothing wrong, she is breaking up the family, why should you be the one to lose out.

I would also be saving any evidence and details of her texts if you can.

I cannot help you any more sorry as I cannot understand why your wife thinks the grass may be greener on the other side. You sound like a really nice, loving bloke who doesn't deserve this shit.

I agree with NotQuin about if she wants out, she can go, leave the house and leave with the clothes on her back. If she wants to break the family up, she can go. When you cheat, you wreck lives and jeopardise your kids future. LostDad31, YOU need to take control of things. She will get the shock of her life when she realises that she can no longer treat people like shit without consequences.

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 13:35:06

Yeah maybe self esteem, body image, depression etc came into it....but don't you think a more rational person would seek medical or professional help rather than seeking support via exchanging dirty pics with naked showering colleague?
Don't start taking the blame for or excusing HER bad behaviour.
Women come on here and do that all the time too!
And yes....WOULD say the same to them.

Polecat2011 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:57:41

Hi Lostdad, I do feel for you, having been in a similar position. Don't accept depression as an excuse for cheating, it would only continue. In fact, don't accept any excuse. If she wants to exit the family you cannot really prevent it. You can escalate it by appearing weak and a "push over". She will at least respect you if you are firm. Make it clear to her that you won't live in a loveless marriage. If she won't make very strenuous attempts to repair the marriage and show real and continuing shame and regret over her behaviour, then ask her to leave. You should remain in the home with the children and she should leave. She appears to have checked out of the marriage anyway. She is now using you. I think once one party has crossed the line, there is always the real risk that they will look elsewhere again and again. You could never truly trust her. She will quickly work out what she can get away with, and what level of bad behaviour you will tolerate. A weak father is not a good role model for your children. They could well grow up to disrespect you too, if that is how they see you treated by their mother. Sorry if this sounds tough. But you really do need to take control and tell her what you will tolerate.
Keep posting, Good Luck, you sound so nice, probably too nice for your own good.

DuelingFanjo Fri 19-Oct-12 14:02:33

I feel for you but I also think you can't make someone love you if they don't.
You're better off thinking about the practicalities of separating and arrangements for a custody situation that would best suit your children.

plantsitter Fri 19-Oct-12 14:04:30

Wow, do people with 3 year olds and 8 month olds AND a job really have the time/ inclination for an affair? Not in my experience.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I don't think you should sit back and take all this crap from your wife but at the same time if something is worth anything, it's worth working on. If she wants to 'give it time' you should tell her if she's not spending that time working on your marriage with you (counselling or whatever) then you don't think there's any point. I know it is painful but it will actually be much less painful for you (and, actually, your kids) in the long run.

Dryjuice25 Fri 19-Oct-12 14:14:24

In this situation the one who loves the least has got the most power and will manipulate the situation. Take back this power and don't let her disrespect you. Lovely as you sound, maybe these feelings might really about her own issues and nothing you have done/not done.

The fact she went back to work earlier suggests she's had to re-evaluate things and that might apply to wanting to overhaul all aspects of her life including your involvement in it. She might not be fulfilled somehow. Do you have financial issues? Do you think you adequately supported her especially financially during maternity leave? Is she more career driven than you? Do you still genuinely compliment her post pregnancy body etc...?

The chances are she might be unsure what she wants herself but I don't condone the emotional affair. She is a cow for it. There is no excuse and I'm devastated for you.

I agree it's time to be blunt and show her that under no circumstance will you allow her to disrespect you or manipulate you just because she can. I'm sorry but I think she has already checked out of the marriage. But I admire and commend your determination to want to make things work. DW might not know what she is looking for is right in front of her and the grass might not be as lush elsewhere. Time to give her a glimpse of what life would be like without you.

Do you think showing her this thread might help?

Helltotheno Fri 19-Oct-12 14:26:45

Don't lose heart OP, it's salvageable, it really is, BUT she has to experience the shock of losing (overnight if possible) someone she's taking for granted.
Alternatively, get a bit tough here... we all go through rough patches but in her case, she could've spoken to you about it, even if it involved admitting a change in her feelings towards you. Tell her it's clear to you that she's saying it's over and how does she want to handle access, finances etc. Trust me, it'll all be different once she sees you're not going to hang around to be walked all over til she loves you again, being a great father and husband etc. Sod that, why does she deserve it?

Lostdad31 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:16:04

I do appreciate everyones advice and it has made me realise I had to take action, for my own sanity if nothing else. So todays update:

So this morning I told DW to move out for a time (based on the fact my shift this week means I can look after the kids until thursday). I said she needed the time alone to have a proper think about what it is she really wants. I told her that I love her very much, and will do anything to make us work - but only if she is wiling to completely commit as well, and that includes counselling, which she initially completely ruled out, but is considering. I told her either she comes back and we together try everything we can to get us back, or we begin talking divorce, custody, money, house, etc. I explained to her how the current meandering along was torture for me, and she said she understood. She got upset, and was teary and admitted that it's come sooner that she thought it would. It came to this evening and she initially left to go to her sisters, while I got the little ones their tea and got them ready for bed. I then get a text saying she can't be apart from the kids and was coming back! She got back and we put the kids to bed and then we talked. She was devastated at the thought of being apart from the kids - not me. I reiterated that every uncomfortable kiss goodnight or goodbye, everytime I wanted to hug her or hold her it felt like punishment. Here is the woman I love with all my heart and she feels nothing for me, and basically recoils from me. This together with the suspicion and paranoia about the guy at work means carrying on as we are is not an option.

So I brought up counselling again. She is dead set against it. We've had conversations in the past about how we didn't rate counselling, and how it could never help (not us but friends) I basically said even allowing for that if it's got a million to one shot of working then I'd give it a go, and I didn't see what we had to loose. She answered "whats the point?" Which did make me feel sick and angry. I pointed out that us, and the kids were the point! She's considering counselling and we're gonna do some research (any clues where to start?) But I'm not deluding myself, I know you're all yelling at your computers to give up and leave, but I figure if we try counselling and it doesn't work then I've done everything I can and I walk.

To be honest I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally (a grumpy 8 month who's teething and has a cold doesn't help smile). I feel like I have a bit more power and say in things after today, and that, and my fabulous kids (i know everyone thinks it but my kids are perfect), are getting me through...for now.

I think you have been very brave. Well done.

I would pleasantly suggest to your wife that if she doesn't want to work at the relationship then that is her choice but she had better get used to not being with the dcs so much because you will want shared 50/50 arrangements.

LongTimeLurking Sat 20-Oct-12 21:29:09

Going by those texts she sounds like a total slapper who is at least having an emotional affair if not a full blown physical one. You deserve better, she is disrespecting you and showing how selfish she is by putting her own desires ahead of her kids and family.

Stop declaring your undying love and kick her out! Jeez the responses on this thread would not be so moderate if it was a woman posting about her husband, this situation is no different.

Start seeking legal advice re: 50/50 custody of kids, the house and any marital assets, before she is off out the door with her new man (playing daddy to your kids).

MmeDefarge Sat 20-Oct-12 21:41:34

You've done brilliantly. You've been really brave.

Hold your nerve now! Your wife has been selfish and you must make it clear, by what you say and do, that you will not put up with it.

Why not insist that she does spend the rest of the week away to give you some space. You need time to gather your strength before trying to repair the relationship. And it will bring it home to her that her actions could bring consequences she doesn't like.

This is about you as well now. You love her but you have to be firm that you will not hold on to a woman who cares nothing for you. She shouldn't think she has the final say on this.

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Oct-12 22:01:37

I would seek legal advice, especially if you are both working. Otherwise there's a danger for you that she is still seen as the default parents and won't accept a 50/50 childcare arrangement, you need to see where you stand.

I know you want counselling to work, but nothing your wife is saying makes me feel like a) she is genuninely sorry and really fears losing you and b) that counselling with change anything.

She's not fussed about losing you, she's fussed about being apart from the children, and also that things are moving too fast FOR HER!

You might want to wonder if these texts have been going on for a while, I think starting something from scratch having just returned to work is unlikely, it's more likely that this history of flirting is longer than you think. I would not tolerate my husband writing texts about showers to another woman, you should not tolerate this at all.

Offred Sat 20-Oct-12 22:05:10

Oh again with the "if you were a woman" thing... <rolly eyes> my advice is no different!!

Lostdad31 - agree you've been really brave and I am shouting at my computer but just a little bit because I can see where you are coming from. I hope you will be happy whatever happens in the end.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Oct-12 22:11:20

You've give her time off and you've told her you will do everything to make it work?

She needs to know that UNLESS she pulls her finger out of her backside and starts behaving like she is in a relationship with you it is all off. You.re not only showing her your cards....you're also giving her all the best ones.
Expecting her to go to counselling is the least you can expect. However, as she's not too bothered about staying with you it seems..I'm afraid it is likely she
is trying to work out other options, almost certainly with Mr SHowerman. Now whether he wants to move in with her or refers to keep things more casual with her..Who knows.
She might be about to have her heart broken by him....then lucky you...you'll get her back for a while.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Oct-12 22:19:29

Predictive text....!!

SarahBumBarer Sat 20-Oct-12 22:30:09

She's not giving much is she? I'd suggest that she goes back to her back to her parents for a few days as originally agreed. She will have to learn that if she is not prepared to put in a lot of effort then she will have to get used to not seeing her kids all the time, she won't just be able to waltz in to your home whenever she is missing them - just a fact of divorced life. Also it will help you think clearly and hopefully get that anger a bit more up front. having her around all the time is likely to make you anxious and needy which will not be helpful.

Being honest, if it is true as you say and she actually recoils from contact with you, that is going to be very hard to come back from. If your reaction to this situation is in character with the usual dynamics of your relationship with your wife then it seems likely to me that she has probably learned that she can take you for granted and accordingly has allowed familiarity to breed contempt.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 20-Oct-12 22:47:52

so she stayed away for a couple of hours, now she is back and nothing has essentially changed

< head >

< wall >

apply

You can't actually force her to leave the family home immediately. No one can be forced to leave his/her family home unless s/he is violent to other family members. You can ask her to go/tell her to go, but if she says 'No' and stays, there is nothing you can do in the short term.

Your best move is probably to consult a solicitor on Monday (most give a free half-hour initial consultation) and find out exactly what would happen if you were to end the marriage ie whether the house would be sold or one of you buy the other out, what would happen about custody etc. It will depend on things like who does the most childcare, your respective incomes, who paid or pays what towards the mortgage, etc. Get this information before you make any further decisions: when a relationship is in trouble it is a really good idea to have an accurate picture of where you would stand if the relationship ends.

Once you have this information, you can then tell her that she either agrees to work with you on repairing the marriage, or you will file for divorce. Or (depending on the specific facts of your position) you can consider whether you could live together as co-parents but no longer a couple. But don't put yourself in the position of scurrying round trying to prove how much you love her so she doesn't leave you and waiting for her to decide whether or not the marriage continues. You do have a say in what happens next.

pinotnoirprincess Sun 21-Oct-12 01:39:01

I agree with solidgoldbrass and the others that you need to seek legal advice ASAP. I know that will be really hard for you and make it seem like it is definitely ending but please, please do it. It could make a massive difference a bit further down the line if things go tits up.

I'm sorry to say that your wife has decided that she wants out. I am thinking about when I have had tough times with my DH and I can honestly say that we have come close to divorce, but I have never felt as detached as she does.

Do you think that it is possible that she went to her sisters and was told by her family that it would look really bad on her if she has left young kids for a while to go off on her own? Could they have advised her to get her arse back home in case it looked like abandonment and would look very bad against her later down the line? That was my initial thought.

pinotnoirprincess Sun 21-Oct-12 01:43:11

I would also start arranging your shifts so that you spend a lot of time with your children when they are both home (not sure about eldest age) so that you can prove you can do 50/50 joint custody.

StuntGirl Sun 21-Oct-12 02:30:39

Sgb gave some really good advice there, please think about doing as she says.

Your wife has treated you awfully, you need to try and wrestle some control back, for your own sanity. I think she'd better get used to being away from the kids too, since splitting will (hopefully) give you shared custody. She's being selfish and cruel and you need to put yours and the kids needs first right now; lord knows she isn't.

Seeing a solicitor is vital, and should be your first priority.

Charbon Sun 21-Oct-12 03:10:09

Try to get inside your DW's head right now. Do a bit of reading too about the effect an affair has on an individual and then in turn, their relationship.

Your wife is having an affair with another man. It doesn't matter whether she's had sex with him yet or not; she wants to. When this started, she entered into a headspace that is as close to insanity as it comes. She is addicted to not just this man, but the fact that he finds her desirable and worthwhile. She is as addicted to the affair itself and the thrills it gives her as she is to him.

But she's been socialised all her life to believe that women don't have affairs unless there's something drastically wrong in their relationships and that women don't have affairs just because they fancy a sexual adventure with someone else. Maybe even that women can't have sex without love or strong feelings for a man.

Now none of that's true at all, but because that social discourse is so relentless, as soon as she started to enjoy this flirtation and took it further, she probably convinced herself that it must mean she was secretly unhappy with you and that she has stronger feelings for her work colleague than mere lust.

So instead of realising this is just a crush brought on by returning to work and feeling like a woman in her own right for the first time in ages, wearing clothes not covered in baby sick, she has talked herself into thinking your marriage is doomed and that the most ethical thing to do is to end things with you. Oh, and that she must be deeply in love with the OM......hmm

No amount of pleading and counselling is going to alter the course she is on right now. She doesn't want to be talked out of this second relationship.

The only strategy that has ever been known to work in this situation (for both parties) is loss.

So you tell her that you've got too much self-respect to stay with a woman who doesn't love you and who is lusting after someone else. That you want a clean break and to agree on living separately from now on - sharing residence with the children. That you'll be going to see a solicitor because you've found out that an emotional affair constitutes ample grounds for divorce (it does, incidentally).

And then you withdraw completely. You take back control of the situation and show her what life will be without you in it. You also tell everyone you've parted and why.

In private, with friends and family and on this thread, cry as much as you need to and speak about your sadness. But don't do that with her.

Only if she thinks she's lost you for good, will she stop this course she's set on. Even then, she might not alter that course straightaway. But I promise you, she will never stop what she is doing as long as she thinks she's got a fall-back position and that you'll be waiting for her when this all goes belly-up, as of course it will.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 21-Oct-12 08:57:15

Please listen to Charbon - the only way to burst the bubble she is in is LOSS and a hard cold dose of reality. As it is, what you have offered her will not work and the torture will continue....

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 11:05:29

Listen to charbon

colditz Sun 21-Oct-12 11:42:12

Don't leave. Y have done nothing wrong. I would seriously go for 50/50 residency of the children, and make it clear you will not be helping her move, you are not going to let her swan out and leave you with the children every Saturday night, only to come back on Sunday and take them away for fun time. If she wants to go, fine. She lives without her children for a week at a time and she lives without them full stop unless she finds somewhere reasonable to live. A new mans house is not reasonable.

She's being cruel, and I'm not suggesting you do that, but stop being KIND

colditz Sun 21-Oct-12 11:43:31

I would strongly suggest you reduce your hours at work if at all possible, in order to give the children the best of you that you can.

MmeDefarge Sun 21-Oct-12 11:44:10

Charon has nailed it.

Also agree with MumsyBlouse that this Mr Showerman sexting is unlikely to have just suddenly started when she went back to work after mat leave. There must have been the germ of something between them before then.

MaBaya Sun 21-Oct-12 12:29:02

I actually think there is an incredible cruelty and nastiness from many posters on this thread. It is quite depressing. The nails are out. Whoever said upthread that women are softer on other women was so very wrng!

OP, you sound lovely. I really feel for you. i hope you can find the right path through this whole mess. Counselling CAN work, but your wife would need t be as committed to it as you are. Otherwise, as you have correctly identified, it might be time to start talking about separation.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 12:34:59

< shrug > it makes a change from people complaining that MN'ers always take the woman's side

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 21-Oct-12 12:35:39

Mabaya - we are speaking from experience.

If you are lost in your fantasy fuelled affair bubble, addicted to ego boosting texts and attention from OM/OW, dragging you to counselling will not work - just ask all the posters on here who have tried this tactic.

MaBaya Sun 21-Oct-12 12:41:01

I have had plenty of experience of this, too, unhappily.

I try not to let it turn me in to a vicious, bitter person, though.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 12:43:28

The Op has been advised to take practical steps to protect himself emotionally, practically and financially and to stop making excuses for the way he is being treated

I am not sure how that is construed as "vicious and bitter"

CanAnybodyMakeSenseofThis Sun 21-Oct-12 12:48:53

Having done pretty much what your wife did (many years ago - and I'm still bitterly ashamed of my behavior) I have to say that Charbon speaks total sense. Take control of the situation, focus on your children.

I'm also the child of divorced parents. The pain of a relationship break up will pass - the pyschological damage a badly handled divorce can do to children, does not.

OneMoreGo Sun 21-Oct-12 14:13:22

What marvellous posts from both Charbon and solidgoldbrass. Do heed them both, for they speak sense.

It's also true that sometimes relationships have simply run their course, and the only thing to do is make the separation as civil as possible. It's not nice to be left by a partner, but it is survivable.

Charbon Sun 21-Oct-12 15:18:01

Agree that some relationships have a shelf-life and if they've run their course for one or both partners, the kindest thing to do is to split as amicably as possible, especially if children are shared.

But I think that is unlikely to have happened in this relationship. Their wedding was only 2 years ago and they had another child only 8 months ago. The OP had also been under the impression that the marriage was secure and happy, until his wife spoke of changed feelings and simultaneously, the OP discovered her relationship with another man.

The OP has got to deal with what is in the open domain though and accept what his wife is now telling him - that her love for him flew out of the window before she got involved with someone else, but for some reason failed to tell him that and instead gave the impression that she was still happy with him. The OP's entitled to feel aggrieved about that of course and his focus should now be on protecting himself and his children.

mumincov Sun 21-Oct-12 15:26:16

With an 8 month old baby, are you sure she might not be suffering from PND (even if only mild)?

skyebluezombie Sun 21-Oct-12 15:26:47

Exactly the same story as me, he didn't announce he was unhappy until he got involved with OW.

They aren't unhappy until they fall for someone else

MaBaya Sun 21-Oct-12 15:32:55

I think keeping things civil and seeking to deal with feelngs of pain and anger and bitterness in constructive ways (perhaps through therapy) is the best way forward. Behaving in a cold heared or undignified way wont help anyone in the ong run.

Good luck, OP.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 21-Oct-12 17:16:26

You let her come back? confused

So that whole exercise just so that she got to miss the kids?
You should have told her to stay away and smell the coffee, lie in the bed she made, etc.

Telling her you love her and will do everything you can to make it work, is giving her ALL the control in the relationship. Who cares that you love her, when she is playing away?

I dont see what you have achieved, aside from reassuring your wife that SHE is calling the shots still.

YOU cannot make it work. That is her job. SHE is the one who has allowed herself to fall in love with a colleague, not you.

OneMoreChap Sun 21-Oct-12 17:24:05

File for divorce.

Helltotheno Sun 21-Oct-12 21:32:47

MaBaya my advice would be the same for a woman OP in the same situation, in fact the Relationships board is full of just this advice to women whose DHs are behaving the same way.

The OP sounds very dignified to me.

Don't confuse 'cold-hearted' with 'detached for your own emotional protection'. I don't see any cold-heartedness from the OP but in order to force the situation forward decisively, he definitely needs to detach for the moment.

Lostdad31 Mon 22-Oct-12 09:46:49

Wife's birthday today. Struggling.

Offred Mon 22-Oct-12 09:47:49

sad x

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 22-Oct-12 14:41:49

Are you ok, lostdad ?

Is today (W's birthday) worse than other any day when you must feel you are living like some kind of second class citizen ?

I'm sorry things are so tough for you now Lostdad.

Please take action to protect yourself. I would suggest as many others have, a trip to the solicitors. This is no way to live.

notanotherstatistic Mon 22-Oct-12 16:43:39

Lostdad, I don't have much to add to the advice that previous posters have given you; most of it is right on the money. I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through, because the same happened to me. I am now separated from my wife and am so much happier.

About four years ago I found out that she'd been having an affair for three years. She told me that she was in love with the OM, that she thought of me more as a friend and "loved me, but wasn't "in love"" with me. Pronouncements that I realised later were all part of the script followed by people having affairs.

Your DW's behaviour sounds very much like my STBX's and she sounds entitled in much the same way. Anyway, I wanted to encourage you to be strong and protect yourself emotionally. I prevaricated about what to do and essentially let her make all the decisions (she didn't give up the OM, but didn't leave, either). I convinced myself that I was letting her decide rather than forcing her into the arms of the OM, and thus doing the right thing. It temporarily destroyed my self-esteem.

I also want you to know that the end of a marriage isn't the end of the world. Far from it. I am now single and we amicably co-parent our children, but I realise that I had made some awful compromises to try and hold on to my relationship. From the perspective of three years distance I have no idea why I did so.

Stay strong and maintain your dignity. Regardless of the outcome you won't regret doing so. I wish I had known about Mumsnet back then.

Lostdad31 Mon 22-Oct-12 21:45:14

Today has been tough! It's DW's birthday, as I said, and our eldest has been so involved helping me pick the cake, candles, cards, presents etc, she was so looking forward to today. So for her sake we tried for a normal a day as possible, went to the aquarium and out for a meal. I hope our little mite enjoyed herself, but I know for wife and me it was just awkward and painful.

Feeling pretty low right now. I appreciate all the words of encouragement for the future. But it all seems so far in the future, and such a difficult path to negotiate first

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 22-Oct-12 21:51:13

sad

skyebluezombie Mon 22-Oct-12 21:53:36

Great post above from notanotherstatistic.

Lostdad, sorry it's been a difficult day, it has been for me too, it should have been my 7th anniversary today.... Anyway.... You really do need to decide what you want, never mind what your wife wants. I know that you don't want to lose your children but you can't stay in this state for too long.

Your wife may be genuinely confused but you also need to know what you want as well

Stay strong ..

ike1 Tue 23-Oct-12 11:25:06

notanotherstatistic that's a great post. Its true LostDad, it really is possible to be ok after this sort of event. Feel for you though. X

ike1 Tue 23-Oct-12 11:27:50

Small steps though lovely. I remember the first gut wrenching trip to the solicitors, but it had to be done, you have to know your rights in order to start getting back some personal boundaries and control.

mrkidd85 Sat 27-Oct-12 17:46:03

What Wobbly said. I don't see how anyone can help low enough self respect to stay with someone after hearing this.

Lostdad31 Tue 30-Oct-12 14:12:20

Well, my wife has told me she wants to separate. Part of me is relieved to not be hanging on, part of me is angry she got to make the decision but most of me is just devastated. Our financial situation and childcare arrangements mean, basically, in the short term, not alot changes. I can't afford a place of my own at the minute (i wouldn't want to stay in the 'family' home) plus the childcare is probably 60/40 at the minute. So for now we're alternating on the sofa and trying to avoid each other wherever possible. Hence I'm sat in costa's typing this!

I think in many ways it would be easier if I just hated her, and could cut her out of my life, but obviously for the sake of the little ones that is not an option. That's the main problem I now face, I still see her day in day out as we come and go, but all my feelings are still there, together with the constant wondering of who she's texting/calling/meeting. It's basically like an open wound. I hold it together at work, I hold it together in front of the kids but it's constantly there. I made the mistake earlier of reading some of the old birthday, xmas and valentine cards - a mistake I know, but I've got too be excused some moments of self pity haven't I? The last one of which was just 6 months old, and from the things she wrote I just cannot believe her feelings have disappeared like they have. Which just makes me question everything. I couldn't hold it together then!

I think thats one of the things I'm angriest about. That by her actions and words she has made me question the last 5 years of my life, which for me were the happiest and most wonderful that I could imagine, yet was it the same for her? That somehow makes me feel cheated, and the past devalued. The other thing is that DW ruled out counselling, said she couldn't cut contact with man she was texting - didn't want to loose him as a friend!! - yet in speaking to mutual friends she spoke about staying so she could say 'she tried everything', well that went well. If in 15 years our eldest comes to me and says, did mum and you try everything to make our family work, I've got to turn round and tell her, actually, no, we didn't actually try anything - your mum didn't want to. Again it devalues our marriage and our vows.

I know all the previous advice stands, I'm not expecting any grand revelations, but in loosing my wife and my best friend, I am desperately lonely right now. I just wanted to try and articulate some of the many, many, things going on in my brain right now.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 30-Oct-12 14:22:28

I am very sorry to hear this, lostdad

Could you get a break away somewhere, just for a couple of days

Take sick leave from work and go and stay with friends well away from your wife while you get your head together a little bit

BethFairbright Tue 30-Oct-12 14:50:52

You poor man.

Please don't think your whole marriage was a lie. The affair is the lie. It's just a fantasy that your very foolish wife has let get out of control.

The truth was on that card from 6 months ago. Please don't believe this crap about her affair being a symptom of her unhappiness, because you know from your own memory that she's rewriting history to fit the circumstances.

I think she'll regret this but when she does, I hope you'll have moved on and won't take her back.

fluffyraggies England Tue 30-Oct-12 15:06:15

sad

It must be hellish living in the same space as her with all this going on. In fact i know it is. You poor thing.

How long are you expecting to have to go like this? Are you going to sell the property? Have you family or a friend nearby you can spend a little time with per week?

Tell us which Costa you're in and you'll have a dozen MNers all squeezing in to keep you company. Not being flippant, just trying to raise a smile.

I would second the idea that you shouldn't torture yourself with the idea that the whole xx no. of years has been a lie.

moonfacebaby Tue 30-Oct-12 15:10:57

Lost - I know how you are feeling.

My H had an affair earlier this year, we tried to make it work (well, his effort was pathetic tbh) & we are now separating.

He is blathering on about how unhappy he was - yet I have a christmas card where he wrote that he was more in love with me than ever. 6 weeks later, he was rolling around in a hotel room with a 26 year old, who didn't mind his wedding ring or the 3 month old baby. She had only been in the country for 5 weeks & had a boyfriend too.

He's not with her anymore (as far as I know), but I don't think he has let go of the feelings he had for her.

I am devastated & really angry. Right now, I hate him & that just isn't the kind of person i am. Like you, it has made me feel like I've been living a lie & he's either a complete knob, or he tells people things that he thinks they want to here.

We have 2 DD's - a 7 year old & a 1 year old. I am so worried about the older one & how she'll deal with this. I feel angry with him for tainting the last 6 months of my baby's life - it should have been a happy time & it's been hard & it's going to get harder.

I don't wish him happiness. I have lost my husband & best friend too. I am bitter, but I'm hoping that won't last forever.

He has turned my world upside down.

I suppose we have to believe that we will look back on this one day & that we will realise that we are happier than ever & that life is good again.

Take care - you sound like a lovely man & I'm sorry that you are having such s tough time.

BurtNo Tue 30-Oct-12 16:06:44

OP you are obviously a very fair, decent and dignified person - you really don't deserve this

i suggest you find an outlet for your wholly justified anger and grief, something that is invisble to the children - maybe sport? go to the gym? evenings with close family? if you put yourself first for a bit you can be better able to help the kids in the longer run

skyebluezombie Tue 30-Oct-12 17:29:06

Lostdad - sorry it has come to this. I do know exactly how you are feeling. My STBXH walked out in Feb saying he no longer felt the same, yet I have lovely cards for anniversary (last Oct) and Christmas, saying all the usual lovely words. A beautiful necklace that he gave me for Christmas. In December he said he could never ever leave his daughter, when the neighbours split up. Then in Feb he said he had been unhappy for several months, had not loved me for several months.

I persuaded him to talk to me, he came back for 6 weeks and walked out again with no warning. When I asked him how he could come back and be so loving and affectionate to me if he didnt love me, he just said that he was trying hard. When I said to him that normal people dont just walk out, they try everything to fix their marriage, he said I did........ I said no, staying for 6 weeks while texting another woman all day every day, 100 times a day, 8am til midnight, emailing her, facebooking her all behind my back was not "trying hard". He also refused to give up the contact with OW.

so like your wife, he tells everybody that he came back and tried everything, but in truth he didnt and like you when DD is old enough I will tell her the truth. Are you sure that there is nowhere you can go? Friends, or family? It will be hell for you to live there with her and it will not be good for the children in the long term as you will not be able to keep up a happy facade for long.

Im not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to explain that my story is a lot like yours in some way and that what you are feeling is totally normal. I really do think that you need to get legal and professional advice, see if you can get some counselling for yourself if you want to talk everything through. Also, you could call the Samaritans, they are there for everybody, just have a look at their website.

Life does go on, I was devastated when STBXH walked out for the second time at Easter, devastated again when he led me on with a lovely date and then wrote a nasty letter. At that point, I took control, ALL thanks to advice on here and divorced him. My Absolute is due any day now.

6 months on, I am feeling a lot stronger and happier than I have for a long time. Just take one day at a time, is all I can say. If you get very down, then go to the doctors for some help and advice. make sure you know where you stand regarding access for the children and maintenance etc and make sure you get plenty of help and advice from friends in real life. Please feel free to PM me if you want somebody to talk to.

Take Care

DuelingFanjo Tue 30-Oct-12 18:33:36

In my experience of this kind of thing the sooner you sort out the split the better. Give yourself some time out and then be pro-active about sorting out the house/finances/custody in a wat that is fair to your kids. When I decided to end a long relationship we both spent far too long living together but separately but as soon as w got the hous onto the marke things moved forward nd we could both move on too.

Mayisout Tue 30-Oct-12 19:11:13

You are dwelling, very understandably, on the present and the sad situation you and your family are in. Can you look ahead, all the wonderful times you will have as your DCs grow up with a great, loving father, you won't be with your wife but you will still have the pleasure of seeing you little ones grow up, starting school, watching the football matches, helping with homework, special days out. There is so much to look forward to.

elastamum Tue 30-Oct-12 20:21:01

Poor you sad I have been there too and it is horrible.

If your wife doesnt want to make any effort with your relationship, there isnt much you can do. BUT you can start to take control of the rest of your life.

Time to man up lost dad. Consult a solicitor, ask her to move out of the family home (dont assume you should be the one moving out), and go for 50% residency. And let yourself get angry, you have every right to be and it can be a useful force to drive you forwards. It can really help to get a counsellor so you have a safe space to talk and work through your emotions.

Your past life is not a lie. If you want some insight into what is happening to you, there is a thread on relationships called 'the script' which pretty much covers what to expect when your partner starts cheating on you.

.

MmeDefarge Tue 30-Oct-12 20:29:31

That is very sad to hear. What a shame that your wife was not able to treat you and your family life together with the same respect that you have shown.

Being lied to is very unnerving. You are questioning a lot of your previous life now. Because your wife has lied you no longer know if the family life you had together was really as you experienced it. you feel you have lost your past in some way.

Look after yourself. If possible spend time with people who you have known for a long time, people you trust. Maybe that will help you to feel more grounded again.

Look after yourself. That is the most important thing right now.

skyebluezombie Tue 30-Oct-12 20:32:15

I questioned my life in the same way, how long had I been living a lie? How could he make love to me if he dudn't love me? All natural feelings . If you don't want to be parted from your kids then you need good legal advice and fast.

Concentrate on the children and what is best for them and look after yourself too.

Daddelion Tue 30-Oct-12 20:44:24

As a dad to a dad can I advise you not to move out unless its unbearable?

Otherwise you could find yourself in bedsit land, seeing your children every-other-weekend, and with the new man sitting in your armchair.

It will get better and Keep doing your share of the child-care and stay strong for your children.

BethFairbright Tue 30-Oct-12 20:46:57

I don't think these people who re-write history have any grasp of how cruel they are being. Just because they can't admit that they are motivated by lust and the lure of a new relationship, they invent prior unhappiness that just didn't exist. Bad enough to take away someone's future, but everyone's got the right to leave a relationship. Criminally selfish to try to take away someone's past instead of admitting the truth. Don't let her do that. Your head is in a more reliable place than your wife's OP and you know the truth, even if she won't admit it.

skyebluezombie Tue 30-Oct-12 22:13:26

I told my STBXH that after 10 years together, married for 6, that I deserved a little more respect than "Im not happy, Im out of here"...... at the time I made all sorts of excuses for him, that he was depressed, that he was sensitive, that he was deep..... All of it out of shock and desperation. When the shock wears off, you realise that you are actually worth a lot more than the way that you have been treated and that you demean yourself by begging them to stay.......

Unfairdismissal Tue 30-Oct-12 22:26:18

So sad for you lostdad, stay strong for you and the children. X

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 31-Oct-12 18:18:22

how you doing, lostdad ?

Lostdad31 Wed 31-Oct-12 19:22:12

As well as can be expected, thanks HHMF. DW is on long hours at work today and tomorrow so I can busy myself entertaining the little ones. Think keeping busy is key. I'm trying to fill up calender as much as I can, to distract myself, and also to try and give other half a dose of reality of how much I do with the kids and around the house. Didn't sleep at all well last night so I'm hoping for better tonight! One day at a time, right?

MmeDefarge Wed 31-Oct-12 19:58:38

One day at a time sounds like a plan.

Good that you are keeping busy for now.

Hope you do get some sleep. Make yourself a warm milky drink and all of that stuff, it might help you get a bit more shut eye and you probably need as much as you can get just now. The trouble is that the mind has a way of waking you up if it has a lot of troubles to work through.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Wed 31-Oct-12 20:08:23

Yup, one day at a time

But don't stagnate. Keep working on detaching yourself, physically and emotionally

Make sure you are not simply waiting it out until she changes her mind. Because she might not do, and even if she does you might not want her by then (which would be the best outcome, IMO)

skyebluezombie Wed 31-Oct-12 22:02:59

just like I said, one day at a time, its the only way to keep going. I used to think way too far ahead and advice on here and from my counsellor, one day at a time, worry about the future when you get there..

just keep on keeping on, its all you can do for now..

Lostdad31 Sat 24-Nov-12 23:38:53

So time goes on and I'm surviving. Good days and bad but getting through.

Had a talk with DW today, first proper talk for a while, where she attempting to explain what had caused her to decide we weren't meant to be together. I think that was probably the worst thing, having no idea what I had done, or what had gone wrong. Well, first I must explain that wife and I are quite different in that she was always very outgoing while I was the more sensitive one. Which, I always thought was perfect, she brought me out of myself and I tapped into her sensitive side, and it made it interesting. Well turns out over time wife has been worrying about this difference, and feels I'm too sensitive! Sometimes, apparently, I told her I loved her too often. And she felt pressured into writing loads in birthday and christmas cards to match what I wrote. Generally I think she felt smothered, although that's the last thing I ever wanted her to feel.

I think what hurts is that she never mentioned these issues until now. By the time I realised there was a problem she had already given up - and she admits this.

So there you have it, in the future I'm gonna have to be less sensitive. So I'm off to get a beer, buy a copy of nuts and watch all the fast and furious films! Sorry humour is one of my coping mechanisms.

Still sleeping on the sofa because we don't have the money for one of us to move out, which is definitely not good. It's still torture because I love her so. But I know I have to come to terms with it, I just don't know how to!

Punkatheart Sun 25-Nov-12 00:47:37

Don't change, my dear man. You sound lovely as you are. Good God, she really doesn't know what she has.....

Keep talking and I hope that things come out well for you....

ike1 Sun 25-Nov-12 00:53:03

Lostdad31 there are many of us ladies who would really appreciate your sensitivity..I promise.x

moonfacebaby Sun 25-Nov-12 07:38:15

Op - don't feel like you have to change, you sound lovely & there are plenty of women out there who would appreciate you for who you are. You sound like a wonderful husband who treated your wife very well.

The rewriting history is incredibly cruel - i've had this too & I find myself doubting what I know - its such a scripted thing to do & it seems to help them to assuage their guilt. Yes, every marriage has issues, but that's life & it doesn't excuse looking elsewhere, or thinking that the grass is greener. Lust & the excitement of infatuation skew people's thinking.

Lostdad please don't change, most women would be thrilled to have a sensitive caring partner who expressed their feelings.

I would have a man like that over a leering at nuts magazine man any day.

moonfacebaby Sun 25-Nov-12 07:44:55

As for the not mentioning theses issues until now - seems to be the done thing when someone gets their head turned. My very recent ex-H appears to have held onto issues for years - but were they really issues? Or just something that helped him to justify being unfaithful?

There may be grains of truth in what she tells you - but it will all be exaggerated to make her feel better for what she's done.

Listen to her but believe about 50% of what she tells you.
Once someone has that mindset, I think it's very difficult to convince them otherwise - hold onto your self-esteem & remember, that even though you love her, you shouldn't change yourself.

HecatePropylaea Sun 25-Nov-12 07:59:53

She will say whatever she has to say in order to convince herself she's not the bad guy here.

People do that. Come up with all sorts of reasons why the other person is to blame for the shitty thing they've done to them.

Otherwise, they'd have to look in the mirror and know they've been a shit.

Sorry you're going through this.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 25-Nov-12 08:20:26

Blimey, she's scraping the bottom of the barrel if that is all she can come up with as justification for her treatment of you hmm

Her real reasons are her personal issues that she isn't willing to look at - she chose ego boosting strokes from OM as a way of overcoming these - how dare she say it is all because you are sensitive?!

Helltotheno Sun 25-Nov-12 09:07:24

I agree that all of that talk is just a red herring OP...ok, any romantic gushing on cards would be boaksome to me cos I'm not the type but it's easily dealt with and to use that as justification for an affair is an insult.
If you can't move out, your need to detach from her and just be polite but distant. Also, get a social life going...take up something that gives you a break and allows you to meet new people.

skyebluesapphire Sun 25-Nov-12 14:33:19

moonface - my XH did the same, quoted stuff going back years as a reason to go, despite having been happy all that time.... rewriting like you say...

lostdad - my XH also did the same as your W - decided it was over before talking to me about it. He said Im unhappy and walked out the same day, first I knew about his "unhappiness"....

sadly, once their head has been turned, they do rewrite history, to justify being able to end the marriage

Your wife does seem to be making excuses.... Most women would love to have the things that you describe, as others have said

Lostdad31 Sun 09-Dec-12 22:16:09

Struggling. Am so lonely and lost

Adversecalendar Sun 09-Dec-12 22:23:11

Just read through some of your thread, sorry your having such a bad time. I don't think I can offer any amazing advice but wanted to send best wishes and bump your thread.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sun 09-Dec-12 22:34:23

talk to us, what's happening with you at the moment?

sorry you are struggling, I know how difficult it is....

VenusRising Sun 09-Dec-12 22:37:38

You have an 8 month old and a 2 and a half year old - how much sleep is everyone getting?

Do you snore - are you sleeping in the same room - are you co sleeping with the baby?

Be kind and tell her to be kind.

Be confident that you will sort this out for everyones' benefit.

Lostdad31 Sun 09-Dec-12 22:49:29

There is no sorting it out. Wife leaving me, doesn't love me anymore.

She's so much further on in the process as she's known for so long she wanted out, but I had no idea. So she's sorting out the logistics of finances and moving on, and I'm still trying (unsuccessfully) to come to terms with the fact my best friend, my strength and the love of my life doesn't want to share her life with me. And I don't really know why.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sun 09-Dec-12 22:58:03

lostdad - you are the male version of me...... as I said before my XH did exactly the same to me.... he decided on his own that the marriage was over and I didnt even know that he was unhappy.....

therefore, he was much further down the line as he knew what was going on, but I didnt...... The bit of text below, I have copied from a website and it is something that my counsellor gave to me and it describes me and XH exactly... maybe you could show it to your wife, so she can try and understand how you feel and what you are going through....

The Leaver and the Left

When the decision is finally reached that you are to separate, it is not unusual for couples to be in very different places emotionally and psychologically. Although people go through similar stages of adjustment, couples often go through them at different times and with different degrees of intensity. Understanding how this affects you will help you to avoid some of the common misunderstandings that arise during this difficult stage.

The ‘Leaver’

The leaver is likely to have been unhappy in the relationship for a long time before the actual date of separation. During this time they will typically have gone through stages of dissatisfaction, sadness and worry. Increasingly they will detach themselves emotionally from the relationship. By the time that separation happens they will have worked through much of the emotional loss of the relationship and be ready to move on. They may experience great guilt and sadness but also relief. Significantly, they are several miles down the road of adjusting to this major change in their lives.

The ‘Left’

The person who has not initiated the separation, the ‘left’, may have had no idea that the relationship was in such difficulty. They might accept that the relationship was not great but perhaps thought it was a just stage that most couples experience from time to time. Their reaction is shock, disbelief, hope for reconciliation and anger. Their life has been turned upside down and the process of adjusting psychologically and emotionally to the separation is only just beginning. Significantly, they are at the start of the road that they may not even want to walk down.

What this all means

The leaver, who is psychologically prepared to move on, may not understand why the other is so emotional. He or she may be disappointed that their offer of friendship is being rejected. They may complain that their ex is not accepting the reality and getting on with things. He or she will become frustrated and impatient for decisions to start being made about the future.

For the left however, this emotional stage is more intense and lasts longer. The left may feel that their ex is cold and unfeeling and that their distress is not being understood. They may have lots of questions to ask about why the relationship has ended which they are not getting answers to. Their feelings of rejection are intensified by their ex seeming to want to move on as quickly as possible. They may feel that they are being forced into thinking about issues that they are not ready to deal with yet. It’s too painful for them to be friends, what they need right now is to be left alone.

Not understanding your different emotional states can create problems in communicating which adds further complications to an already difficult and stressful situation.

theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/the-leaver-and-the-left

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Sun 09-Dec-12 23:00:44

the link is to the website where you can find it and there is also some other stuff on there as well.

It is so hard to be in this situation - you want answers, you want to know why, you want to know exactly when they stopped loving you, why they didn't talk to you, why they just want out.....

Your wife probably can't pinpoint things, it just happened over a period of time.... thats what my XH said.... it doesn't help though when you want to know exactly what is going on

AndrewMyrrh Sun 09-Dec-12 23:20:52

Lostdad, sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm afraid it does sound like your wife has been (is) having an affair. I think it is doubly cruel that she is still living in the same house.

She needs to move out. It's not really your responsibility to budget for her accommodation requirements. She needs to sort it out, even if it means moving in with parents, and give you some space to come to terms with this. With the present situation, she is having her cake and eating it.

I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person.

So sorry, OP. Is there anyone you can talk to? Can you have some counselling, by yourself?

You sound so dignified and strong, even if you don't feel it.

porridgelover Mon 10-Dec-12 10:28:24

Lostdad, I've just read through your thread You have had some great advice.

In my experience, there are 2 strands to separating that need to happen simultaneously. It is difficult to keep the 2 balls in the air at the same time, but it can be done.

1) Did you get some legal advice? If not, I would urge you to do so asap. You need to protect yourself. Do not rely on the word of your STBX partner. She will/should be getting her own advice and as she is emotionally detached, she will find it easier to be business like about insisting on her 'rights'.

2) The emotions....Wow. I understand that it feels as if your world has imploded. You may not be sleeping/eating properly.
Get exercise everyday. Call on and lean on family and friends. (you will find out who are your true friends as some will surprise you when they step up and others when they step away). Consider getting counselling to get you through the stages of grief (this is a bit cheesy but true to life).
Detach, detach, detach from your STBXW ...treat her as you would one of your DC 's teachers...polite, business like.
If you can at all, make some physical space between you. Is there another room that can become yours? Can you make it into a bedsit?

Best wishes, this is horrible. But you will come through it a wiser and happier person.

Not read it all but whatever you do, do NOT move out the house. If she wants out then let her go.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 18:02:29

How are you today?

Lostdad31 Mon 10-Dec-12 20:30:46

Pretty numb.

Thanks for that link. It's funny but that article exactly described my own and DW's positions. It could have been written about us. Which I guess is the point, I'm not the first person this has happened to and I won't be the last. I am going to show wife it because I feel sometimes she resents me so much for not recovering quicker, and maybe it will make her understand a little bit. Got to be worth a try!

Thanks again

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 21:01:18

it describes me and XH perfectly. thats why the counsellor gave it to me, because XH was really cold towards me, yet wanting us to be friends, whilst I was no way in that position....

I tried to sit it out for a while with my XH as I thought that he was going through some sort of crisis and would come through it, but sadly he was adament that it was over.....

I think that your wife sounds very similar to my XH in that her head has been turned by this colleague, may not have been entirely happy for a while, but once the head is turned, they find as many excuses as they can as to why the marriage is bad, has been for a long time and is now over.....

I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I do know exactly how you are feeling. It is a desperate horrible time and you are expected to deal with it, whilst knowing that it is not what you want....

alicetrefusis Tue 11-Dec-12 10:09:40

Lostdad

I keep thinking about your very sad situation and wishing you strength. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this yet? A friend, or a caring professional? As others have said, I really do think that might help. You need to take care of yourself - your emotional well being is very important. Don't let your wife's negative reactions about couple's counselling or that off putting experience with Relate deter you from getting some support for yourself.

You sound a lovely man. Your children are very fortunate to have a father who loves them as you do. But you must now focus on building a network of support for yourself, so that you are best-placed to take the right actions and decisions in the times ahead for all of you. It doesn't need to be more than one or two people - but if they are the right people, they will make a huge difference, I promise.

Wishing you all the very best.

madeiracake Tue 11-Dec-12 11:32:25

just wanted to agree with what everyone's saying - you sound lovely, your wife sounds like a um.. thoughtless person.

also why are you sleeping on the sofa not her? just jumped out at me as a detail. I think you'd feel much better if you had some space - have you tried asking her to move out and what did she say?

I too would ask her to move out, let her go to this other person. Dont you go anywhere and she should be on the sofa as already said. This is not of your making.

Lostdad31 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:56:42

I'm sleeping on the sofa because, to be honest, I didn't want to sleep in "our" bed. For the same reason I don't want to stay in the house long term. It will always be our family home in my head, and I think I'll be better able to move on in a new home. As of april my rosters at work will change so that I'm able to have little ones 2 nights a week, wife 3 nights and alternative weekends. At least I will have good time with the kids.

I have arranged to speak to someone, my works occ health can't fit me in till mid january but I'm seeing someone from relate on thursday. I'm pretty nervous to be honest. I'm not too good at talking about my feelings, and know I'm gonna get upset, but I guess that's the point.

I'm trying to take steps to move forward, telling more people at work, arranging this counselling and even updating my status on facebook - silly I know, but it took a while for me to do that!

I just feel scared of the future. My wife has been my strength for so long now, I feel weak, exposed and lonely.

Am currently drinking a glass of wine writing xmas cards from just me and the kids - it's very surreal!

Thanks for all your kind words and support

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 22:12:23

The counselling will help. Be totally open and honest about how you feel and cry if you need to, that's what it's all about...

It's not easy but you will get through it. It's just step by step, one day at a time. Christmas won't be easy for you but New Year and new start. If it is really over then you do need to think about finding your own place to live, for your own sake.

You also need legal advice to sort out the finances, maintenance, access, mortgage etc. all these things will help you to move on. The more you can agree with your wife the easier and cheaper it will be in the long run.

But that's just practical stuff and not about your emotions , so that's where the counselling will help. I've found counselling brilliant as it helps you to try and make sense of it all, although I am still struggling at times...

The harshness of the situation for you, was the same for me, that a decision to end the marriage was made but with no consultation!

unobtanium Wed 12-Dec-12 11:28:24

Hi lostdad, what a sad thread. I very rarely jump in, but wanted you to know how sorry I am. You deserve much better than this. I am hoping, with every fibre, for the best possible outcome for you and the kids in this terribly unfair situation.

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 12-Dec-12 14:06:21

You are having a horrible time of it.

Is there any way at all that you could move out? It really can't be helping with your recovery process to still be living there.

arequipa Wed 12-Dec-12 15:51:03

Give her one chance to work at the relationship with you. Suggest practical communication /counselling methods you can both research and try. If she is not motivated , do not prolong the agony. Go to a solicitor, work out a settlement proposal re: children and finances.. If you don't act assertively, she will take your love for granted and keep you hanging on as long as it suits her (until another romance comes along). She knows herself well enough to know she doesn't love you any more, so give her credit for that honesty. She will be feeling guilty which often makes people behave worse, so her actions may be unpredictable and contradictory. Protect your interests and stick to decisions you make.

alicetrefusis Wed 12-Dec-12 23:59:46

Dear Lostdad

You are taking all the right steps - and they are huge giant strides from where you were to start with.

The mark of a good counsellor/therapist is that you don't feel worse after the session than before you went in. S/he may make you think - that's fine - but not to the stage of leaving you feeling angry, empty or alone.

If it's not right you MUST gird your loins and find someone else. It may feel unbearable - a slammed door to add to all the other feelings of despair and rejection - but persisting will pay off. I guarantee.

Emotions can be wild and unruly - that's their beauty and their poison really, but nothing at all to be scared of. The counselling is there to support you, lovely.

I continue to admire your grace and fortitude, along with many others who read or contribute to you thread.

Alice

Lostdad31 Fri 14-Dec-12 22:54:54

Went to see someone from relate on thursday. It was just an introductory meeting, so it was basically me spending an hour talking about what had happened. It was pretty exhausting though, felt completely drained for the rest of the day. Have to wait now for an appointment proper. Not sure if it's for me, or if it will help, but got to give it a go.

I'm doing all I can to try and move forward. I'm trying to keep an emotional distance from DW, just being quite business like with her at home. It really isn't that easy, but I figure it's a way of protecting myself long term. She's out on her office xmas do tonight. I'm trying not to think about it.

I've instead spent the night wrapping little ones xmas presents. They're my priority. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wrap a scooter?! smile

lighted Sat 15-Dec-12 07:31:44

Imdreaming that is a good extract you have given to lostdad31. I think it sums up how those of us who didn't want to give up/end a relationship struggle to come to terms with it.

Lostdad31 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:44:37

Been offered a counselling appointment in a couple of weeks, with a man. Didn't think much of it at the time, making the appointment, but ever since it's been bugging me. I'm not sure I'll be able to properly open up in front of another bloke. I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but it's worrying me. Would it be crazy to rearrange to get a female counsellor?

alicetrefusis Wed 19-Dec-12 15:55:15

Have you spoken to him on the phone? IME, it's more about the connection you can build, not a gender thing. But maybe they thought that your wife's behaviour may well have dented (for now) your ability to trust another female sufficiently?

Why not have one session and see how it goes - you can always ask to change if it doesn't work. I had a few intro sessions before I found the right person.

My DH felt the same - even with drs too...I think it would be fine to enquire if a woman is avaliable soon. If not though, perhaps you could try the fella - items see how it goes.
I hope your doing ok lost dad, these are painful times for you, but it will not always be like this and you will be happy again.

SanctuaryMoon Wed 19-Dec-12 17:14:10

Thinking of you x

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 19-Dec-12 18:13:12

Give him a go and see what happens.

I didnt like my first session with my counsellor because I was there to deal with the end of my marriage and she was telling me it could still be fixed! I went back the next week and made it clear to her that my XH was adamant it was over and that I needed help to get through it and after that she was brilliant.

You can always change if you don't get a good feeling for him.

Lostdad31 Tue 25-Dec-12 21:42:44

It does get easier right?! Watching the little ones opening their presents today was fantastic but the whole day I've just felt so very empty. This feeling just makes me angry with STBXW, for going on as if nothings wrong. Which in turn makes me annoyed for A) getting angry and B) not being able to move on.

It's the same old feeling of loneliness that really gets me. At times I just feel like there is no one I can talk openly with, then I see my wife and she's never off her phone texting one person or another. I sit here on a night and I've never felt more alone!

arequipa Tue 25-Dec-12 22:29:24

I think it's harder for men when a relationship ends because they often don't have the same networks of friends the woman has. It's often all about work, DP and children for men. Or the friends they do have they don't like to open up to. I'm sure you will have a new DP in future but this period of time could be an opportunity as well ...to make better connections with other people, maybe find a male friend or two over time that you can trust and confide in, not just reserving it for the woman in your life. The male counsellor could be useful in this respect. I think your children are lucky to have a dad who loves them so much. A lot of men would have got fedup with the situation and withdrawn from the kids in self-pity by now.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 25-Dec-12 22:40:27

I agree that your children are lucky to have a dad who lives them so much. XH walked away from a 4yo and today I have wondered how on earth he could do that and miss all this with her.

If you don't have much real life support then please keep posting on here. We have all been through it sadly.

You can't carry on indefinitely the way you are, pretending that all is ok, it's not good for your health. I know that men are t good at talking about their feelings, from bitter experience, but you can only move forward if you talk about this.

bestsonever Wed 26-Dec-12 00:47:34

Stupid woman, caught in the glow of a new flame, except, once a parent, you would hope that there would be more maturity shown. She will come down to earth with a bang one day, the enthusiasm from OM will falter as there will be 2 children to cramp their style. My thoughts are. that until you move out, she will not realise the enormity of what she is doing. The sooner you are able to move out the better, either by being able to move on or having her realise a few things and appreciate your worth.

alicetrefusis Wed 26-Dec-12 11:22:49

LostDad

How are you doing today? Do you have any plans for just you and the little ones? A walk in the park or the countryside, perhaps?

Thinking of you.

GoldenFrankincenseAndMyrrh Wed 26-Dec-12 12:28:36

Lostdad I've just read your whole thread. What a rotten bitch your wife has been. angry I hope that you are able to move out and move on as soon as possible so that you aren't having to share a house with her much longer and can start to heal from this awful pain.

Things will get better, I promise x

Lostdad31 Wed 26-Dec-12 20:50:38

Managed to enjoy a day with just the little ones today. Took them to see my folks, about an hour and a half away. Good to spend time away from the W, but a bit of a double edged sword. I just spend the time wondering what's she up to.

I've never been a jealous or suspicious person. I never thought, for a second, I had need to be. But since all this has happened I feel myself meeting eaten alive by suspicion.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 26-Dec-12 20:57:27

Please please don't change who you are. Do not listen to her rubbish about you being too sensitive etc, she doesn't deserve you. And do not move out! Start getting tough and look out for yourself. Start getting angry and be strong, she has ruined this marriage, not you. You deserve so much more and one day you will find a lovely woman who deserves you and I bet one day your wife will regret her actions.

Lostdad31 Wed 26-Dec-12 21:03:23

I know it's over and I want to move on but everytime she's on the phone or out I wonder where she is and who she's with. I know we're separating and it's none of my business what she's up to but sometimes it feels so bad I think I'm losing it sad Over christmas it's been worse, normally when she's texting I console myself by thinking she's texting her mum or sister, but xmas day we were in a room with them and she was still on phone all afternoon (including when our eldest was trying to get her attention, which really gets on my nerves). I imagine these text conversations "wish I was with you...", "this time next year..." Etc. And it digs away at me

I know I need to move on and move out to try and get over her but we're financially stuck at the minute. I can't afford anything and I don't want a hovel for my kids to come to.

I just hope I can hold it together. Writing this I probably sound like there is no chance of that!

fluffyraggies England Wed 26-Dec-12 21:11:39

Lost do you mean hold it together as in your relationship? Or hold it together as in your own mental state?

You've been so strong and dignified. What an awful time for you sad

All things change. Remember this.

Lostdad31 Wed 26-Dec-12 21:49:29

The relationship is over. I know this. But I'm still in a grieving process for 'my wife' and our family. It is mental state I'm concerned about, it's just relentless and exhausting sad

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 26-Dec-12 22:05:07

Why do you need to move out?! Why can't she move out? You need to get tough and think about your children. She sounds like she isn't thinking of them much at all if she is ignoring them too.

Lostdad31 Wed 26-Dec-12 22:10:44

I want to move out, I don't think I can move on in 'our' family home. Plus it's the kids home, and due to the childcare split W should stay here. Despite all I've said here, and all she's done, she is still a good mother

mrslaughan Wed 26-Dec-12 22:20:01

Really sorry - I haven't read all this thread, but you don't deserve to be treated this way - it is showing a co plate lack of respect for you, and you as her husband, and father of her children - deserve respect.
Is there someone who can look after the kids for some time? You need to be able to sit down and talk to her without destructions - really the reasons why it has happened are irrelevant - the important thing , is where too now.
Marriage takes work - they all have rough patches, but is she prepared to work at it? That's what you need to know . Only you can answer if you can get past her indescretions - I wouldn't , I couldn't forgive that, it would eat me up, BUT don't think you are weak for forgiving her if you can - I think that takes a very special person. But if you can forgive her, she has to be prepared to work at the marriage.
The being not in love - maybe she does, maybe she doesn't , but she has had her head turned with the flirting and who doesn't remember how intoxicating that flirting can be, but it is not appropriate, and it has to stop.
She has to be prepared to least try to work at saving your marriage - if she isn't prepared to do that , you need to put your emotional energy into the grieving you will need to do, and to rebuild your life.
Can you afford counseling?

ProphetOfDoom Wed 26-Dec-12 22:22:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrslaughan Wed 26-Dec-12 22:28:36

Sorry just read the rest of your posts - its such a shame you don't feel you could stay in the house..... Could you ask her to move out? Until you sort something out ?
She is being a bitch, to make you feel bad about yourself. To make herself feel better about her bad behaviour.
Are you sure you couldn't kick her out until you sort something out for yourself - it is just so hard for you living with her poor behaviour right under your nose.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Wed 26-Dec-12 23:37:23

In order to detach you do need to be in your own space.

My XH wanted to remain friends on Facebook but that's just not possible because I could see everything he was up to and vice versa....

If you aren't around your W then you won't see her texting. It takes a little time but I no longer think about what XH is doing on a daily basis and haven't for some time.

You are grieving for the loss of your wife, your marriage, and life as you knew it. That is something that only time can sort out, but life will get better when you get used to a new routine

Astelia Thu 27-Dec-12 03:51:41

Another one thinking of you Lostdad sad.

Lostdad31 Thu 27-Dec-12 21:27:57

Thank you all for your advice and support x

Lostdad31 Fri 28-Dec-12 20:56:21

Bad day today, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because work wasn't too busy I had more time to think about things. Need to keep busy.

Also wife told me the other day that she's going back to her maiden name at work after the new year. We work for the same department, but at different offices, so everyone that I haven't told is going to know in the next few days sad Part of me wants to send out an email explaining exactly what she's done.

I pulled over on the way home and broke down a little. Felt so stupid, but I'd rather do it then than risk doing it at home in front of the little ones, or the wife.

I feel like I should be coming to terms with everything by now. I feel like I'm boring myself let alone all of you. But when I even begin to think I'm doing ok something else hits me sad

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Fri 28-Dec-12 21:54:39

Lost dad, you are still in shock. I'm still in shock and its nine months later and I'm divorced! Don't underestimate what you are going through.

Please don't ever feel like you are boring anyone! We are all here to support you. It's a bit quiet because if Christmas no doubt but there are people here for you.

That is a bit harsh of your wife changing her name already., as you are not divorced yet. I'm only just returning to my maiden name now.

My counsellor told me that crying is good, that it is a release valve. And you did a good thing by doing it before going home. You need to be strong for your kids.

It does get easier but it's going to be hard while you are still there. It's an old cliche, but time is the only thing that can help in a situation like this.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 28-Dec-12 22:41:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yanchep14 Sat 29-Dec-12 01:12:09

Lostdad - my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar position to you when my ex-wife had an affair with a co-worker...and then left. At the time I discovered her affair my DD was 19 days old and like you, I was devastated and was given all the same crap talk as you were given.

But, what I want to reassure you with......life does get better. Its a long road and right now I totally understand how you will be feeling. You will feel lost, you will maybe blame yourself and then later will come anger and resentment.

But the old cliche is true....time is a healer. It will take many months at least but you will slowly start to feel more positive. Concentrate on your children and try not to be bitter. I know from experience that its easy to fall into the bitternes trap a little further down the line, but its a very negative emotion that will not help you at all.

Im sure you are still at the stage where you have really crap days, gradually you'll have more good days than bad until eventually the bad days disappear. Try not to beat yourself up too much when you have a bad day and accept that they will happen.

I am a few years down the line from you and I have a fantastic relationship with my DD because I always insisted on as much contact with her as possible, though its not 50/50 for logistical reasons. I also have a very civil relationship with the ex-wife (through gritted teeth at times!) because thats whats best for my DD.

So I'm sending you some man hugs :-) try to stay strong for your kids and eventually you will come out of this a stronger and better person with your dignity intact. You will always be able to hold your head up high and know that you did your best to save the marriage.

And dont let the BS from your wife destroy your self esteem and confidence - you sound like a very genuine and sincere guy that deserves far better treatment than you have had.

Take care of yourself and the kids.

Jux Sat 29-Dec-12 02:19:28

Lostdad, you are a lovely person, and you deserve better. You are being very strong and dignified.

Please don't make decisions about the future before seeing a solicitor. You really, really need to do that.

By the way, a wonderful mother doesn't have affairs, just as a wonderful father doesn't have affairs. She is not a great mum; she has put her whole family second to a passing fancy.

gimmecakeandcandy Sat 29-Dec-12 23:22:12

Agree with jux - please look after you and your children's interests op.

joanofarchitrave Sat 29-Dec-12 23:46:24

Please, please don't rush to move out. This part is intensely painful but that's why big decisions that affect your whole future are best made with a lot of thought, not in a rush, and definitely with legal advice. Your family situation may be changing but your home is still your home. For your children's sake, please hang on - if she is ignoring them to text the OM, I really don't think she is likely to make the best decisions for them at the moment sad

If I were you I would talk to the solicitor about reducing your hours at work so that the childcare split is equal, and also so that you are carrying less of a burden at this incredibly tough time.

LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants Sun 30-Dec-12 00:27:55

I'm very sorry you are going through this shite, LostDad. You have done really well and had some excellent advice on this thread.

Your STBXW may once have been a good wife and mother but I think you need to take a good look at her current behaviour. Brace yourself.....

As Jux has just said, a good parent does not throw their marriage out of the window because they are thinking with their cunt and fancy an ego stroking or a fuck with someone else. A complete bastard/immature, entitled fuckwit does that.

A good parent/decent human being doesn't just decide things were 'wrong' and check out of a marriage without having the courtesy to inform their partner before embarking on an emotional/physical affair beforehand - and they don't then rewrite history to justify their own selfish actions.

A decent human being would certainly not have been texting away as you said in your post of 26th Dec 21:03.

This woman is not your friend. In fact she's not even a decent person given her current behaviour. Would you like your children to grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat another person? How would you advise your son if he were to be treated like this in future?

Time to see her for what she really is and get very angry. You do deserve so much better. Get legal advice - your kids need you to do this if you don't feel comfortable doing it for yourself.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sun 30-Dec-12 01:19:06

Lets Face - A good parent/decent human being doesn't just decide things were 'wrong' and check out of a marriage without having the courtesy to inform their partner before embarking on an emotional/physical affair beforehand - and they don't then rewrite history to justify their own selfish actions.

That is exactly what my XH did to me. Announce out of nowhere that it was over, rewrite history to decide that he had been unhappy for a long time.

It is very hard to come to terms with that happening to you. The grief and shock is immense and it takes a long time to come to terms with things.

You have another excellent point - How would you advise your son if he were to be treated like this in future...... i said the same to XH. How would he feel if somebody did this to DD in the future and walked out leaving her with a small child. Would he think it acceptable then?

The people who behave like this are completely selfish. They make a snap decision, then make out like its been coming for a long time, they just didnt tell you about it....

Lostdad - I hope that you do get some legal advice asap. I understand that for the sake of your own sanity you don't feel like you can remain there much longer, but it will be hard to make that step and leave.

I hope you are doing ok.

Lostdad31 Mon 31-Dec-12 21:46:36

Happy new year everyone. Here's to a better 2013! x

ProphetOfDoom Mon 31-Dec-12 21:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Mon 31-Dec-12 22:28:21

Evening in. Kids upstairs, wife out. Just me and a bottle of rioja!

ProphetOfDoom Mon 31-Dec-12 22:59:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:35:11

New year, new beginning and all that. Taken my wedding ring off. A small step I know, but an important one. Happy new year wine

ThePathanKhansWitch Tue 01-Jan-13 00:42:32

Happy New year to you. I,ve lurked on this thread, glad to hear you sound in a better place.

Maybe a namechange? LostandFoundDad?
Happy New Year.

nothruroad Tue 01-Jan-13 00:58:18

I hope this is a good year for you Lostdad. You sound like a lovely man and I really wish you strength for the months ahead. A big step tonight taking the ring off - well done. All the best.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Tue 01-Jan-13 03:10:46

Lostdad - all the best to you. Keep posting here for support, we are all with you xx

Lostdad31 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:50:51

Well, a progress report. I'm doing ok...i think. New year brought with it some optimism and some positive steps, like removing my ring. I also had a couple of epiphanies that helped. One of the main things that bothered me was 'why?', it real gnawed at me. But following new year it became clear to me that, at this moment, it doesn't matter. What had happened - that my wife thought there were problems in our marriage, rather than telling me about them and talking to me she sought comfort in a guy at work, by the time I knew there was a problem it was too late - was all I needed to know. Why wasn't important. The other thing that became clearer for me was that she doesn't deserve me! She obviously wasn't the person I thought she was, I deserve better than someone that deceitful and untrustworthy. These two realisations combined made me feel in a much better position to move forward, and I truely want to.

However the thing that keeps dragging me down is simple jealousy. And I feel so stupid, because part of me its saying, she doesn't deserve me, but part of me is crying at the thought of her with someone else. And small things really get to me. Since we've seperated she spends longer putting her makeup on before going out, she's keeping her legs shaved (she always use to borrow my electric razor when they got to long, whereas now there is always a razor and cream out), she's buying lacey pants, her finger and toe nails are always painted. I realise all classic signs that if she's not already seeing him, she's got major plans to. And I hate it! And I also can't help thinking why she didn't make those efforts for me!! Is that a stupid thing to fixate on??

So as you can probably tell I feel like I've taken a couple of steps forward only to take some back. I know I just need to distance myself, to that end I've lined up a nice 2 bed flat, so a room for the kids. I know a lot of you think I shouldn't move out but I can't stay in this house. I'm hoping that if I don't have to see her every day then I can make more positive steps forward, without the steps back.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 09-Jan-13 21:15:59

Hi there, glad you are do reasonably ok. As I have said before, your story is identical to mine, I could have written above exactly what you have said... The "why" eats away at me too, why didnt he talk to me, why did he turn to her, why why why.

But like you say, why is irrelevant. The important thing is that they betrayed us. Its a chicken and egg story. Did they turn to OW/OM because they were unhappy in the marriage, or did they become unhappy in the marriage because they met OW/OM.....

We will never know the truth, there is no point in torturing ourselves over it.

My XH moved out, changed his aftershave, bought a whole new wardrobe of clothes, starting trimming his nose and ear hair! (whenever I suggested it, he said there was no point...). But of course OW 17 years younger than him, suggested all these things to smarten him up and he jumped at it...

I think that your W now sees herself as a single person, and therefore she is making that extra effort that a single person does. I know myself, that I have changed my hairstyle, waxed my eyebrows, etc, since XH left....

I know that people have advised you not to move out, but if you feel that you need to do that in order to move on, then it is probably best for you to do that. Only you know how you feel.

Just make sure that you set up a routine for access to the children as soon as you are settled, so that they know asap when they will see you. Get them involved in choosing things for their bedroom and let them keep toys and clothes there, to help them feel at home

I think that you are doing really well. you still have a way to go, but you are doing well.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 09-Jan-13 21:37:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Wed 09-Jan-13 21:57:47

The kids don't know. Youngest is only 10 months so obviously not an issue. Will try and explain it to our eldest, she's 2 and a half, going on 15 smile I like the idea of her picking curtains/mat etc for their room. To make her feel involved and make it feel like her second home.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 09-Jan-13 22:17:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Wed 09-Jan-13 22:23:37

I think it'll be closer to 60/40

Skyebluesapphire Wed 09-Jan-13 23:32:14

My XH got OW to decorate his house and pick out stuff for DD, so that was a bit sad but her room there is very pretty as XH sent me a picture of it. Then I went through her toys and books with her and she chose things to take and leave there.

I also gave him a supply of socks, pants and vests to keep there, along with wellies, trainers, coat. So the essentials are always there, along with toothbrush, hairbrush etc. It helps her feel at home and obviously saves swapping it backwards and forwards all the time.

He took her shopping and bought her some pyjamas for her to keep there too, and a dressing gown.

She is 4yo and still asks when Daddy is going to come and live back home again with us, so she doesnt understand the bigger picture, but she understands that we live apart and she seems happy when she is with him.

Your two are so young, it will be difficult for them to understand to start with and you may not have them overnight initially, depends on what you and your W agree obviously, but you are obviously a loving father.

Jux Thu 10-Jan-13 01:29:38

Well done, you are moving forward in the most important ways. Jealousy will sort itself out and is subject to time, though you'll find it easier once you're no longer living there and witnessing it everyday.

Please do consult a solicitor before you do actually move out. It won't stop you, but just check out your position. There may be some things you need to establish before you go, or something. Just cover your back, please?

alias71 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:40:00

Lostdad31, my situation is almost identical to yours (albeit mine is a tad more complicated) so I certainly empathise with your predicament.

It goes to show how consistent human behaviour is.

I wish you all the best and keep us in touch with how you are feeling. I may struggle, because of my situation, to offer you comfort or good advice but there are plenty of people here who will and can.

LostDad glad to hear you're feeling a bit stronger and more positive now. You are absolutely right of course - the key thing is not 'why?', but that she didn't address any of these issues with you and try to work on the relationship.

It's a daily torture to be sharing a roof with her and seeing her do all these things you mention. The sooner you are in your own space, the better for your mental health, I think. I agree with taking legal advice before doing so though.

Good luck. Keep posting.

Lostdad31 Sat 19-Jan-13 14:54:59

Feeling a bit rubbish this week, can't really put my finger on why. Had my first proper counsellor session thursday, went ok, I'm not expecting any great revelations, it's just somewhere to offload I think. Found out wife is on the pill again, which she hasn't been since before our first little one. So yet more confirmation she's seeing this guy. It's amazing how she spends the night at her female friends house and suddenly lacy underwear ends up in the wash. It's as if she thinks I'm stupid, I just wish she would be honest, I think it would make it easier if I knew for sure (even though I think I do). But then I get annoyed for even being bothered by it!

Should be moving into the flat the start of february, cannot wait now - which makes me feel guilty as I won't be with the kids all the time. I've also got an appointment next week with solicitors, just to get some advice.

Been pretty lonely this week, and found myself registering on an online dating website. I don't really know why, I never have before. I'm not ready for anything obviously, but maybe just as an ego boost. I guess it would be nice if people showed an interest. Is that a bit crazy?

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:24

It would be a bit crazy to sign yourself up to the vagaries of OD at this point in time.

Get yourself established in your new flat and set about building a rl social network before you give any consideration to meeting women off t'internet.

When you're coming from a place of emotional need it's all too easy to fall victim to those who aren't what they initially appear to be and to beat yourself up if you appear to fall short of the expectations of others.

Instead of looking to others to give you an ego boost, set to work strengthening your self-esteem and sense of self-worth through counselling and self-help books/guides, and read this board regularly so that you can gain some perspective on your own situation.

If you feel your social life is not all it could be in say, a month or so's time, join this long-going, ongoing, thread - the title of which changes according to the whim of whoever elects to continue it but it's never far from the top of this board - and ask for advice on creating a profile that will attract keepers rather than pond life losers.

It may be a good idea for you to lurk for a while or read some of the back numbers - you'll learn a lot!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1656774-its-a-new-dawn-its-a-new-day-it-dating-thread-36

TheFallenNinja Sat 19-Jan-13 15:25:06

Brother, once it's gone it ain't coming back. No amount of time/effort will help. Suck it up, protect yourself and get on.

Reference: been there, tried it, failed miserably. She just didn't want me anymore.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 15:30:29

Hi there. Sorry you've been feeling down but sadly all part of the emotional roller coaster sad

Counselling will help, like you say, it's somewhere to offload, to try and understand what's happening. Sadly like you DO know what is happening. Your wife's head has been turned by somebody else. You are doing the right thing in moving out although I know of course you will miss your children, but she is rubbing your nose in it while you stay there.

Just try and remain dignified, and do not let her take you for an idiot.

Joining online dating seems to be par for the course, but don't go on any dates until you are ready to move on. I joined one but am not actively looking for anybody. I went on one date and just felt sad because he wasnt XH and bizarrely I felt like I was cheating on XH.....

Stay strong. You are doing really well.

Daddelion Sat 19-Jan-13 15:32:12

Personally I wouldn't move out, until the finances and contact are sorted properly.

I've seen fathers end up as the peripheral parent, every other weekend and very little involvement.

Lostdad31 Sat 19-Jan-13 15:39:10

That won't be me. Our rosters at work are sorted. Little ones will be at mine at least 2 nights during the week, and every other weekend.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 15:56:22

Lost dad, your devotion to your children is evident and I truly hope it stays that wAy. My XH didnt think he could have kids and worshipped DD but still walked out on her.

Now he puts OW first, went on holiday with her and her H instead of having his DD for extra days in the summer holidays. We have just gone EOW and he won't commit to seeing her in the week so will not see her for two weeks at a time.

Your children will love and appreciate you as they grow up as long as they see you regularly and you don't let them down. My XH thinks that taking DD to soft play is spending quality time with her....

Just do the best that you can for your kids and you will all be ok.

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 17:29:41

Online dating is a distraction you can do without atm, but each to his own.

It's natural to feel rather down after counselling. Talking about something traumatic and upsetting in rl is another nail in the coffin. Also, once counselling is under way, it is likely that there will be other things coming out that you'd rather not face, but in the end it makes you a better, stronger person and is worth it.

You're doing very well, Lostdad, and your children will benefit in the end, possibly even more than you will.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 19-Jan-13 19:12:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cerealqueen Tue 22-Jan-13 21:21:06

Just wanted to add my support to you.

Your wife sounds very selfish and a little bit cruel, there is no need for her to change her name so quickly, that really is turning the knife. Still, if she does do that and people ask, you can say she is having an affair. Let her deal with the fallout. Plus all the grooming for him, again, taking the piss being so blatant.

Maybe she has been a god mother but it sounds like she has been putting a lot of her energies into this OM, even when her baby was very young. That doesn't sound too devoted to me.

Good wives and mothers talk through problems, not have affairs. She made vows 'for better for worse'. All relationships go through bad patches, they have to be worked at. She didn't even try.

It is likely Om may be the complete opposite of you, a bit of a cad maybe, keeping her guessing, playing games. One day, who knows when, she will regret breaking up her family.

You must start to detach, even if in the inside you are crying. Be cold and unavailable to her. Deal with her in a businesslike way, only on what has to be discussed.

Buy some new clothes, aftershave, haircut, whatever and get yourself out, even if it to the cinema. These are all external things but it will help. I am glad for you that you will have hands-on involvement with your DDs.

Lostdad31 Sun 27-Jan-13 00:01:39

Feeling really sorry for myself this evening. Worse than I have for ages. Just feel like if the woman I've given everything to for the past 5 plus years doesn't want who else will ever want me. Hate feeling like this, hate self pity, but just a shit day sad

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 00:12:11

Lostdad i know how you feel. Been feeling the same way for the past two months.

How are your children doing Lost ? Are they with you this weekend?

It's still very early days don't forget.

Spero Sun 27-Jan-13 00:36:04

sorry you are feeling so down. Just remember that grief doesn't get better in a steadily upward line. You dip up and down and some days are better than others. But it will get better. The fact that she didn't want you is her issue. I don't think it can be the definitive judgment on who you are and who else will love you.

Remember the only way out is through and you will get there in the end.

Lostdad31 Sun 27-Jan-13 00:36:16

I've got the kids this weekend, they seem to be doing fine. Eldest was very happy when I asked her to pick curtains and a rug for her room in 'daddy's house'.

I know it's early days, it's just thrown me a bit because I thought I was beyond this

Spero Sun 27-Jan-13 00:38:06

you've been through a massive trauma. one of the most upsetting things that can happen to anyone. you have lost your dreams of a future and your memories of the past have been spoiled. you are not going to get over this in a matter of months. So don't beat yourself up about it.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 00:42:04

Lostdad just because she doesnt want a relationship with you anymore doesnt mean that no one else will. You sound like a nice bloke and you are still young (im guessing 31 is your age) It hasnt been very long and im guessing it was nice to see your eldest smile as she was picking things out for her new room.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:18:51

So, tonight is my first night in the new flat. And I can honestly say it's the lonliest I have ever felt. Don't get me wrong, I know it's better for me to be out from under the same roof as wife, but leaving tonight (after bathing and putting the kids down) was torture. I'm sat here now on the floor (sofa arrives tomorrow) with a glass of wine and I'd give anything just to look in on the kids. The flat and their room is taking shape but I just want it perfect for when they first stay over. I've got eldest the horse from tangled (her favourite film at the minute, she sings and dances to it constantly) and I've left him on her bed for when she first visits, which will be tomorrow. My nightmare is that the kids ever dread coming to daddy's, because it's not 'home'. Tough night.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 01-Feb-13 23:02:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea Fri 01-Feb-13 23:26:24

just want to say that you sound like a lovely bloke, and that you really care about your kids.
Its really hard when relationships break up, and even though she was rubbing it in your face, moving house and being all alone must be incredibly hard. But you know its the best thing. As others said, she isnt comiing back. And by the time the reality of mr.workmate wears off, you probably will have grown in yourself and wont want her back. She is a silly woman. Reading these boards and the awful things that so so many men seem to be putting their partners through, its not long before the glitzy looks wear off, the high life isnt all its cracked up to be, and the little frisson of excitement of a new man dulls into just Mr. Same as everyone else really, except you know they have no integrity cos they were prepared to split up a marriage. We grow up, and we are wishing for someone who treats us well, who is kind, who is honest, who loves us even with our 10 day leg stubble. But by then all the good ones have been snapped up.........
best of wishes to you Lostdad, the wheel of the year is turning, and not wishing to be all woo on you, this is the time for your new life to start emerging.

NettleTea Fri 01-Feb-13 23:27:51

and your babies will always love coming to dad's, because if we can feel your love for them coming through our screens, I am sure they will feel it in their home with you.

Stick with it LostDad, and you'll settle in to your new home and you will move on from this nasty woman and the way she's treated you. Your children will love spending time with you and it will be their home the same way as their mother's house is. The most important thing is that you are in it - that's what makes it home. smile

I bet there are plenty of women on here who would snap you up, and I'm sure that once the pain of this has faded you will find someone who deserves the love of a decent guy like you.

amamini Fri 01-Feb-13 23:54:30

hello lostdad..i am alone in a fabulous house my husband and I made together..until he walked away from everything without any discussion after 28 years together..two amazing teenage boys..we have had all our dreams shattered for selfishness. It is insane and pointless, and I am sure your self centered ex wife will, at her leisure realise this. My sons will have nothing to do with their father, as he is not the man they thought him to be, so at least I don't have to ever experiance handing over my children to some new partner my husband feels himself now in love with. Your children will take you through this, as will friends and family, good luck.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 01:10:12

((Hugs)) for you Lostdad. I know this is not what you wanted, but well done on the first steps to your new life. It sounds like you have done your best to make it a lovely welcoming place for your children and they will love coming there to spend time with you.

All you can do is provide a stable home for your children and they will thank you for it in future.

You found like a lovely man and I'm sure that you will meet someone that will appreciate you in the future.

Lostdad31 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:50:19

Well kids are asleep in their beds in the new flat. Not ideal as I had to wait in all day for a sofa delivery (that didn't turn up) so they got a little stir crazy. On the plus side maximus went down well and youngest seems to like being able to crawl the whole flat on one level! So fingers crossed for a good night - it's the first time they've ever slept in the same room. First night out of the way, onwards and upwards. I'll let you know the date of the housewarming smile

Well done dad31, you've come so far. I bet the kids are delighted to be sharing a room and under the same roof as you. Before long it will be their new normal.
Wishing you lots of luck in your new home.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 21:26:53

well done lostdad. You really ought to name change to something more positive you know! I'm sure that you will provide a lovely home for your kids to come to and that they will be very happy there. The main thing is to make sure that they have some of their things around them. (although if DD takes many more bags of toys to XH she won't have any left here grin.

Make sure you have toys, spare clothes, their favourite cereals and snacks and you can't go too far wrong.

From a mum's point of view, I think that a dad needs to spend quality time with his kids. XH takes DD to softplay where she runs around while he plays with his phone, not really quality time.... I would rather that he took her home and gave her some tea and talked to her and read her a story. even going to the park is better because then he interacts with her...

I am sure that you will provide a stable second home for your kids because you sound like a really nice guy.

yes, and let us know when the housewarming is wine

Lostandfounddad Sat 02-Feb-13 22:06:05

New start, new name smile

That's more like it grin

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Feb-13 22:12:49

well done !

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 02:22:05

Love the new name.

Second Skye's advice re activities. Your children need to spend time with you, soft play's fine from time to time, but the most important thing is being together. Make the most of it, as I have no doubt you will.

Love the new name! smile

I know that what my DD values most about time with her dad is having his undivided attention. She doesn't often get that from me because I'm always trying to juggle other stuff too. But because he sees DD less frequntly, he makes sure it's high quality time, iyswim. DD really values that and feels very loved. Also, as she's got older she has more autonomy over how she contacts her dad - she rings him whenever she wants, she skypes him, emails him etc. I don't think you have to make all the time they have with you 'exciting', certainly, it's just about being present with them. smile

fluffyraggies England Sun 03-Feb-13 14:54:14

Loving the new name smile

Following your thread and can't add much more than what's being said, but i want to wish you happiness and healing in your new home. You so deserve it. Laughter and good times with your children will soon make the place feel good and special to you.

You have remained dignified and will always be able to hold your head up and be proud of the way you have handled yourself. If you have any belief in karma you know you have wonderful times ahead of you smile
x

JessieMcJessie Sun 03-Feb-13 18:45:34

OP, what a sad story. I am more than a little flabbergasted at your wife essentially using you for child care while she spent the night with her lover, and changing her name back so soon in your mutual workplace. Insensitive doesn't begin to cover it. At least you are in your own place now and not at her beck and call.

This must be unbelievably tough for you but you sound like a great guy and you can always hold your head high and when your kids are older they will be proud of how you behaved. As for your STBXW she sounds like a piece of work and you're well shot of her. If your old username was based on your age, you still have a lot of time on your side to meet a woman who does deserve you and build a long and happy relationship once you have had enough time to recover from your marriage. Best of luck.

calmlychaotic Mon 04-Feb-13 00:10:16

great new name and you sound like you are coping so well with it all now. kids will love staying at daddys I used to.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-Feb-13 08:33:54

Hi Lost how you doing?

The first few weeks alone are tough. My Ex left in september, and it was the first time I had ever lived alone. Took some getting used to, but now i like it. I most certainly lost my cool for a good few months, looking back I realise how bad I was, but a few months on I am feeling great.

If you feel crappy now, don't worry too much, it will pass smile

Lostandfounddad Thu 07-Feb-13 20:18:24

New roster at work hasn't kicked in yet so childcare is still a little disjointed. I had the kids yesterday but they were staying at their mum's last night. So I gave them tea, then took them to STBXW's house to bath them and put them to bed, as she didn't get home from work until after 7. After I read Ella, my eldest, her bedtime story she said something so sweet it broke my heart. She asked me where I was going to sleep tonight. I told her I was going back to daddy's house to go to bed. She then said "you can sleep here daddy, this is my house". So lush it just got me (held it together until after I tucked her in). I suppose that's the thing, the little things are always going to get you no matter how well you think you're doing.

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Feb-13 20:35:41

hey, it will be hard for a while. I was shopping in a local town, when DD said to my mum, Nana, do you know that Daddy went to live somewhere else? I miss Daddy and Mummy misses him too, but he won't come home :-(

I just cried and cried in the middle of the street! This was very early days at the time.....

Now nearly twelve months on, her comments don't usually get to me....

The poor children don't understand, thats the trouble. All you can do is give them a secure loving life when they are with you and they will remember that as they grow up

fluffyraggies England Thu 07-Feb-13 21:26:56

Ah bless.
This is a lovely thing for her to have said in a way as it shows she has no notion of the trouble between you and your STBXW. That she feels it would be fine for you to have sleep-over basically! smile

I think you are doing the very best for them, and you should be proud. Hopefully the new work rosta will get you all into a routine. That will be reassuring for the children too.

Lostandfounddad Wed 27-Feb-13 00:13:45

Time moves on and I'm doing ok. That is until yesterday. I'm away on a course at the minute, Monday to Friday for 2 weeks. It's horrible being away from the kids for so long. I was speaking to eldest on phone yesterday, she's a proper chatterbox, I hardly got a word in for 10 minutes smile But during the conversation she dropped in that Dave had been round - Dave is STBXW's other bloke. I didn't know that the kids had met him, turns out yesterday was the second time. I'm so disappointed in STBXW, that she could invite this guy into our kids life and not even tell me, I had to hear from our 2 and a half year old. It is ok to be angry?

kittybiscuits Wed 27-Feb-13 00:19:03

It's very ok to be angry. So sorry you heard it like this.

middleeasternpromise Wed 27-Feb-13 00:23:36

Oh dear get ready this is worrying - you need advice and you should google divorce sites so you know all your options. Of course you are hoping for a different outcome but actually if you want her to see shes made a mistake dont take this type of behaviour lying down but say OK thats how you feel well you will make your own decisions I on the other hand wont be putting up with any nonsense. I would like you to stay but if youre not then youre the one leaving and I will arrange what contact you have with the children. Let me know when youve found alternative accomodation. By the way Ive seen your phone so dont try the 'its not you its me' I know you like someone else - yes it hurts like hell but if thats they way you think I deserve to be treated after all we have been through together then youre not the person I thought you were. I hope you can live with your behaviour but thats not my call.

PS youre in the lounge - (chuck ropey duvet in her direction after fitting nice new lock on master bedroom)

CappaFrappaChino Wed 27-Feb-13 00:49:41

I can't believe that none of you ladies remember how tiring having children is. The woman is most likely depressed, with 2 pre-schoolers and having babies in a short space of time. Perhaps she's flirting because she needs to feel like a woman again. Perhaps hubby doesn't give her a break, let her catch up on much needed sleep occasionally. Perhaps the idyllic life that he sees is not the one the wife has because she's too tired - cleaning cooking looking after kids looking after hubby. Take stock husband. Be honest. If you want to keep her, you've got to be honest- have you looked after her?

middleeasternpromise Wed 27-Feb-13 01:08:11

I think Cappa its too late for that if you accessed only half the thread as I could only get tonight (online glitch me thinks)- his updates are clear shes moved on and has someone else and despite his efforts shes off and running - could well be depression but shes doing it with a serious focus on elsewhere ..

Still think you need to stay in the house OP and not make it easy for her to take it all and run.

fortyplus Wed 27-Feb-13 02:09:19

Lostandfounddad you're bound to feel angry and upset about what's happened. Movce on - you deserve better. I left my husband about 6 months ago - together 27 years, married 19, two boys 17 and 19. We've grown apart over the years. My attitude is that we had many happy years and should celebrate what was good about our relationship, but he hasn't spoken to me since before Christmas. I hear via a friend that he's totally paranoid about me and what I'm up to - the truth is I'm usually either paddling a boat, riding a horse or with our sons, my mum or my brother and his wife.

This is probably TMI but shortly before I left he even noticed that I had trimmed my pubic hair and was convinced that this meant I was having an affair. The truth is that my paddling activities mean communal changing rooms so I didn't want stray ones showing!

He has told friends that I only stayed with him because I wanted a financially-sound father to make babies!! Honestly - we were together 8 years before we had kids and I wasn't even that bothered about it - he was the one more keen to start a family.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal for you to be a little obsessive about her actions but maybe you're reading too much into it. You're understandably angry and upset about her relationship with Dave and frankly she's behaved very badly. But she probably was very happy with you for ages - please don't think that your whole marriage was a sham. That's what my stbxh thinks and he's got it so wrong xx

fluffyraggies England Wed 27-Feb-13 08:56:32

It's very natural for you to feel hurt and angry. It's bad that you had to hear it from your DC. She should have told you, warned you.

I would say that you have a right to calmly ask your STBX a little about Dave as he is going to be socialising with your children.

I'm struggling to say this and keep starting again! But the best way i can put it is that this introduction with Dave was inevitable. Once again STBX has gone about things very badly. I'm sorry.

This is a particularly bad time to deal with it as you are away from the kids and must feel very frustrated. Hope the time passed quickly now - and you will be back to be reunited with your children very soon.

She has behaved really badly, and you know that.

I don't think there is anything you can do about this latest thing. I would just carry on being lovely with the children, and being calm and reasonable in your dealings with her. In the long-run, calm and reasonable is the best way. I know it must hurt, especially as the children are so small. But you are always Dad, and nothing will ever change that.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 27-Feb-13 10:45:50

It is normal to feel hurt and angry, but this man will never replace you. I get upset when DD comes home and says she has been swimming with XH and OW, but she will never replace me, even if they end up together properly.

Your STBXW has handled this badly but again it is all par for the course and their selfish behaviour.

As for the odd comments above, ignore them too as they obviously haven't read the whole thread as they do not seem to realise that you have already moved out!

lolat5656565 Wed 28-May-14 14:46:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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