Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

(133 Posts)
HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:23:55

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:28:42

If they cheat do they always cheat.? Never in a million years would I have done the same to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:32:25

Stick to the not seeing him again line. You've done exactly the right thing because you'll never be able to trust this man again. I can't really work out why he told you either. As if it wasn't bad enough to screw around, blabbing about it like that was an utterly selfish and stupid thing to do. What reaction was he honestly expecting?!?

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:13

So he said nothing until last night and there's another trip in the offing. Was he apologetic, contrite and remorseful about this or is it just in his mind likely to recur? After all, according to him, it meant nothing. He could as easily sleep with anyone, you were oblivious, to make it even worse it happened to be his ex?!

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:38

He told you because he feels guilty. You would never have found out, but he feels guilty and off loaded that guilt. Guilt implies he has strong feeling for you. if he didn't give a shit, he'd never have told you.

Only you can decise if it is salvageable or whether you want to end the relationship.

And no, an opportune moment does not always make a serial cheater.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:34:30

Some cheats do it again. Others don't. It's immaterial really.... what you've got here is the worst kind of cheat. i.e a really stupid one who thinks you're so easily fooled that a quick 'it meant nothing' gets him off the hook. hmm

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:36:09

Not remorseful as he keeps on saying it was nothing. I can't talk to anyone in RL everyone likes him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:36:52

"Guilt implies he has strong feeling for you"

The hell it does. It just makes him a selfish bastard He may well feel better for having spilled the beans. Bully for him!!! Doesn't give a flying focaccia how the OP feels.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:39

You can tell anyone you like in RL. I bet they don't like him half as much as you think.

Mum2Fergus Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:48

It wasnt 'nothing' ... and the fact that thats how he considers it almost makes it worse in my opinion. He's happy to throw away what you have/had together for 'nothing'. It also speaks volumes for his opinion on women in general, ex or not-he still chose to take advantage of a situation. Once a cheat, always a cheat...sorry OP.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:38:37

Robyn I would really like to believe what you are saying about the guilt.

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 18:39:03

Guilt implies he needs to make a clean breast of it. Or he wouldnt have bothered telling you.

MardyArsedMidlander Sun 14-Oct-12 18:39:30

If it was just 'nothing'- then why did he bother doing it? Saying that means he's treating two women with utter disrespect- his ex and YOU.

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 18:44:26

Doing it because the opportunity was there with someone familiar. A fuck buddy if you like. He's told you, albeit 6 months later just as he is about to bump into her again? he's terrified he's going to get into the same situation - off load the guilt onto you and he can be up front that you know and the Ex can go whistle if the same circumstances arise.

As ever, alcohol involved. I'd d suggest he stops knocking back corporate paid for beverages and keeps his wits about him.

but all of that is irrelevent. How do YOU feel? You've said you wanted to make a life with him. It's too early to tell if you can repaire the relationship or whether you are going to tell him to sling his hook for good.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:49:50

I feel numb. I don't really now how I feel to be honest. Sad, betrayed let down are feelings that spring to mind.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:09

Are you a man or something Robyn???? It is not 'too early'!!! And he's far from 'terrified' of getting into the same situation.... he's just prepping up the OP for the next time he accidentally fucks someone. He's the type that thinks they just have to say 'sorry' and bat their eyelashes to get away with blue murder. Indulgent parents perhaps? Private education? Confess to your little indiscretions, the little woman forgives you, then the next time it happens you pull the same 'it was nothing' thing and you know you're on a winner because she's already used to the idea.

Get shot of this one OP.... there's something nasty about him.

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:53

he is an arsewipe. why did he tell you now knowing he was going back to ow's country soon ?
There must be more to it than guilt as there was no way you could have found out unless he thought he was going to be rumbled. The fact it meant nothing to him is utterly disgraceful and insulting both to you and the ow.
Do you honestly think he would never do it again?
Could you be at ease everytime he was abroad? who is to say he would not have another "meaningless" shag again

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:56

"Just a one night stand after drinking too much" and his ex was the one his dick fell into. Sorry OP you must be very shocked and upset. Don't rush into a decision, take your time. It helps to offload on here but if you can think of someone in real life you can trust to take into your confidence then talk it over.

ErikNorseman Sun 14-Oct-12 18:53:56

If he slept with his ex I'd guess he has unfinished business with her, and you should move on sad

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:54:02

Part of me wants to dump him. The other part of me does not want to loose the best thing that has every happens to me. I thought he was the one. I will not sit here while he fucks his way around the world tho. As for the alcohol I have never seen him drunk, tipsy once or twice but never ever drunk he's not that type. Which makes his drunken excuse worse.

Doha Sun 14-Oct-12 18:56:11

And it just so happens he was uncharactoristically drunk and the ex just happened to be there, legs akimbo !!!!
How very convenient for him

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 18:56:26

If I was you, I would kick him to the kerb. Life is short, relationships are built on trust - it's such a struggle to rebuild after something like this.

You have only been together a relatively short time and no dc - you can do better than someone who takes 'opportunities'. It's no kind of life with the underlying fear of a repeat.

snooter Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:14

Strange that he's taken all this time to say anything - I wonder whether she's been pestering him & he wanted to tell you before you found out by other means. Only you can know whether trust can be rebuilt & if you choose to stay with him it will take a long time before the relationship works normally. It will never be the same again, but it might be workable - a lot of relationships survive infidelity. Best wishes & good luck with whatever you decide.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:57:33

I would have had no way of finding out. The ex could have found me through fb and told me but that would have been 6 months ago, not now. So he was off scot free until he told me himself.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:00:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 19:01:59

Are you a man or something Robyn? Oh here we go - the insults if someone doesn't come down in the 'all men are cunts' camp. I'm soooo sorry >utter sarcasm< I don't hold the same opinion as YOU

Some times it's nice to not go for a gang witch hunt in an effort to make an already down OP totally kicked in. There are other possibilities.

I do wish posters would stop projecting their own relationship posts onto other.

It's too early to tell if you can repair the relationship or whether you are going to tell him to sling his hook for good.

Yes it is too early. People dont shut off feelings immediately. They take time to process and come to terms with. The Op may decide to put the relationship on hold for the moment, next month they might have worked through issues. Or not as the case may be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 19:02:17

Exactly... so examine his real motives for telling you and you'll find they are either all about salving his conscience, which makes him supremely selfish... or they are about making you feel insecure and angry but gambling that you are such a safe bet that you won't go elsewhere, which makes him cruel.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 14-Oct-12 19:04:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 19:20:07

Roybn I like your way of thinking. We were very good together. I am really really gutted.

clam Sun 14-Oct-12 19:21:33

Well, he's clearly not the best thing that's ever happened to you. He's shown himself to be someone quite different.
Can you live with the new him? Someone you'll never be able to 100% trust again?

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 19:23:28

My ex would have done the same and this won't be the only thing he will do if you pretend to stay happy with him. It will eat you away wondering.
Don't be a mug.

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 19:27:15

It was nothing and it meant nothing?

So he shags people and attaches no importance to it?

Think about it.

I reckon the reason he told you now is that he is planning to do it again. By telling you, you have a chance to either put up and shut up (accept it) or leave.

If you dont leave, he knows you are fine with infidelity, and it is his Go ahead card for the future, whether with her or other women.

Why even meet her, if he did not plan to have a shag?

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 19:39:42

That's a good point QS makes. Why did he meet up with her? Just because he is there on business, why was there the need to meet up with his ex? It makes it seem planned ahead of time.

boodles Sun 14-Oct-12 19:49:55

Would the 'best thing that has happened to you' have sex with someone else??

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 14-Oct-12 19:57:56

"I'm so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this"

You've already explained he wasn't remorseful, as he said it was nothing and meant nothing. OP did he himself come up with ideas, how was he planning to fix you being upset and angry?

You only heard from his own lips 24 hours' ago so you are still raw, nobody here demands you make one choice or another, whatever you decide we are here for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 19:58:53

BTW... 'all men are cunts'... no. Just men like this one.

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 19:59:54

People can meet with exes without wanting to have sex.

dequoisagitil Sun 14-Oct-12 20:02:18

Yeah but doesn't seem to apply in a case where the guy met up with his ex and had sex...

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 20:06:13

I'd be more upset that it was his ex and not a stranger IYSWIM . He had to make plans to meet up with his ex, unless she was laying, legs akimbo on the tarmac and he tripped down the aeroplane steps with a hard on and his trousers round his ankles.

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 20:07:07

Obviously. But people were questioning why anyone would meet up with an ex if they didn't want sex. Not everyone is a cheat or wants to repeat past shagging.

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 20:12:47

How do you feel about his next trip OP? Not good i guess.

OneMoreGo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:15:49

I agree he is planning to do it again and this is why he has told you now. Your lack of reaction (i.e dumping him immediately) he will take as a covert agreement that it is okay for him to continue this behaviour in the future. ONLY stay with him if you are happy with the idea of him sleeping with her (and indeed others) again and again.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:28:12

Its weird that he's not remorseful. I get that it meant nothing to him but that he doesn't understand that it definitely means something to you and how it effects you makes him sound really immature. Perhaps I've got this wrong, but it just sounds like he is surprised that you are upset about it.

How old is he?

If he is not remorseful and does not see it as a big thing, there is no stopping him doing it again.

I think, he cant possibly be that into you, if he expects you two not to be monogamous.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 20:56:51

He has a house in that country. She lives in it. She was supposed to move out but never did. He has said today that he will put it up for sale.
He is in his 50's I'm in my 40's

The best thing that has ever happened to me would not fuck around this is the reason am upset, angry and asking for advice on here.

I don't trust him and am still raking my brains as to why he told me.
Im thinking to end it. Maybe that's what he wants to go there a free man and not just have the guilty one night stand, but to get back with her.

My mind is going round and round with all kind of thoughts. I have not slept all night and have just drank a not very helpful bottle of wine.

How do you know she is his ex if she lives in his house?

More importantly: Does she know she is "an ex"?

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 21:00:39

Good point Quint

JustFabulous Sun 14-Oct-12 21:02:22

If you think he wants to get back with her then can you really stay with him?

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 21:02:51

Heartless has a point here. My ex was cheating on me with his now gf and I very much doubt told her he was still sleeping with me, if she even knew he was living here tbh. It is all about him and what he wants and feels he can get away with. There is a reason he is this age and not in a long relationship/marriage IMO.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 21:03:23

Sorry meant Quint

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 21:05:43

In all of our relationship he has only been there that one time. I have met his family and have known the family for a long time.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 21:07:53

He divorced 7 years ago.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 21:09:33

Is he a fairly successful/powerful man in his field? Persuasive? The type that tends to get his own way without much effort?

Another reason for him telling you may simply be that because he regards it as no big deal, he automatically assumed you'd be on exactly the same page. That kind of unthinking assumption is the hallmark of a someone who is used to others always agreeing with them.

How did the revelation come about in the first place?

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 21:14:09

Yes he's the top of the tree in his profession.

The talk of his trip and him staying with her came up and I asked him. Without really thinking I asked him and he admitted to it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 21:25:43

And yet he seemed surprised at the depth of your reaction. What you've got there is a very cold, very self-centred fish. To drop a bombshell like that into the conversation and expect no reaction from a woman purely because you say that 'it was nothing' is horribly arrogant and totally lacks empathy. In the context that he's planning to stay at her house again, it's even more staggering that he thought you'd be quite OK with that.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 21:30:31

I agree with most things that are being said here. I need to gather my thoughts and sleep on it, deep down I know it's the beginning of the end. Gutted is not the word, am heart broken.

HeartLess Sun 14-Oct-12 21:31:25

Thanks to everyone who replied.

doinmummy Sun 14-Oct-12 21:43:46

You poor thing.

un-mumsnetly hugs.

Take care of yourself.

BethFairbright Sun 14-Oct-12 21:56:24

If he'd told you because the guilt was eating him up and he wanted to give you the choice about whether to continue the relationship, there would be some hope.

But he only told you so that you would get used to the idea that he will shag this woman (and any others who are willing...) in the future and you'd better get used to it.

So there you have it. You now know the deal. You can stay in the fervent hope that your denial will be more powerful than your common-sense. Or you'll thank your lucky stars that you found out now that you're in a relationship with a man who's got no intention of being faithful to you and sees occasional sex with others as 'nothing'.

When someone tells you what they are, listen. You're very lucky that he did.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 14-Oct-12 22:02:04

Sorry for you. What a shit.

Dryjuice25 Mon 15-Oct-12 01:42:08

It boasts his mahoosive ego when he is doing this to you(and her). Dump him and tell him he meant nothing to you...... god I'm awful

I saw a film once, I forget the name of it, but one conversation stuck with me. The man says, "it meant nothing to me" and the woman says, "while it was happening, I meant nothing to you". That stuck with me.

I hope you work out what you want.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 05:41:54

Maybe I have loved him too much. He is a great guy, tought my DS how to ride a bike, he does things round the house. Should i give everything up because of one quick drunken shag.?

I've read through the relationship thread and life after affairs etc. In some coulpes it seams it can make the relationship stronger. But that is only when the guilty party feel devastated and remorseful and obviously guilty

I thought he would have phoned at bedtime, he usually does. I thought he would have called to say, having thought about it all he's truly sorry. But no I didn't get a call. Maybe he's waiting for me to calm down.? Maybe he was on the phone to OW getting her warmed up for some more action.? Maybe he's told her that he has spilled the beans. Maybe the pair of them are laughing at how I cried after the blow..? I wish I could turn the loop in my head off.

Im waiting for this phone call. The one where he tells me he will never do it again. Then I will decide if what we have is worth the struggle and my jealousy on all his future doing the business trips.

I've stopped crying and feel nothing but anger for the both of them.

It ment nothing to me... While it was happening I ment nothing to you. How very true and very sad. Does anyone know what film this line is from.?

Thanks again for all your helpful advice and lots of food for thought.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 05:48:55

dryjuice your post made me laugh out loud. I wish I had it in me to say that while kicking him to the curb.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 05:58:06

But it isn't a quick drunken shag, is it?

It is his WIFE. Someone he loved passionately once, who he made vows to, but who he just can't live with full time.

I personally don't think men ever feel nothing for their wives. Didn't Jeremy Clarkson do this? Keep in touch with his first wife? People can know that they are not good for eachother in a day to day setting, yet stay very attached.

And he is seeing her again. Why is he seeing her again? Because there is an ATTACHMENT and a passion. So your dilemma is: can you acknowledge, accept and live with this? He cares about you, and he cares about her. [The elephant in the room for all people in this situation, who do not leave].

Take care Heartless. This stuff really hurts.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 06:09:30

Sorry if i didnt make it clear. The OW is his ex girlfriend. No vows. No DC.

Him and his wife divorced 7 years ago. They have 2 grown up children. They are friends, have family dinners out for DC birthdays. I do not have a problem with his wife, yes they have an attachment but definitely no passion.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 06:16:42

Oh, OK, that does make it somewhat better.

It could be as he says (that it meant nothing). But he has to agree not to see her on this trip, and you could contact her on fb and ask her to be honest with you. I mean, it would be in her interests to split you up, so she wouldn't lie to you!

RobynRidingHood Mon 15-Oct-12 06:24:52

Your head still spinning heartless ? Did you get any sleep?

Should i give everything up because of one quick drunken shag.?

Only you can decide that sweetheart. You're as long in the tooth as I am and old enough to know there is no black and white in life, most of it is pretty much grey. Kneejerk hysteria, often exhibited on forums, isn't going to let you make a sound judgement..

FWIW, a judgement need not be made today, tomorrow or indeed next week.

As I said earlier, you need processing time to evaluate the best thing for you and your family. Just make sure you do it on your terms.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 06:38:38

i would say the same as old bag, but think about it, is anyone really worth, all this upset and pain? he off loaded because of the guilt, another trip coming up similar situation could occur etc. he might will mean it when he says it was a one off, but how many cheating partners have said that and then gone on and done it again. i feel in my heart of hearts that if it was my h i couldn't forgive and that would be it. end of, finished. cliche but you deserve so much better, like alot of negative things in life turn it to your advantage and put it done to experience move on and find someone who loves YOU, and doesn't come out with crap excuses.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 06:44:21

abit wobbly now, contact the other woman on fb, why? why would she tell the truth it doesn't matter to her if a marriage/ relationship breaks up why would she care? the sisterhood thing doesn't apply to every woman there are plenty of home wreckers out there who don't give a s''t what they do and whether kids are involved of not, i wouldn't contact her i think it would be demeaning.

Inertia Mon 15-Oct-12 06:50:00

I guess the key question is - are you willing to go through this over and over again ? He's shown no remorse, he isn't sorry - has he even attempted to promise it won't happen again while dismissing it as nothing ?

RobynRidingHood Mon 15-Oct-12 06:53:33

Contacting people on facebook is not appropriate. In fact it's quite juvenile. It isn't in anyway dignified.

The trouble with the internet is: everyone has an opinion. They give it freely, without much thought to the fact they are putting ideas and doubts in people heads. Then they wander off back to their own little RL families, without realising the carnage they mave have unleashed.

They dynamics of somone elses relationship is not the same as the dynamics within yours.

People shouldnt give solutions to problems, they should offer the tools for the person with the problem to make their own, impartial judgement, minus all the influence.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 07:05:29

abit I think that it makes it worse not better. He doesnt have the lifelong bond with her that DC bring. He didn't make vows with this OW.

I thought about messaging her, but that would mean that she would know that I now know. She would also know that my relationship with him is on rocky ground and that would give her the green card to jump back into bed with him. She could also think that by him telling me would give her some sort of importance, thus throwing them more together.

I also don't want her bloody bitch to know how much that the pair of them have hurt me.

So I will not lower myself by messaging her.

Hi Robyn I've slept very little and the sleep I did have was troubled. I've taken your advice on board about giving myself the time to make my decision. I will not contact him or see him before his trip and while he's away he can decide if he can live without me. I think only if he came back begging for forgiveness and declaring undying love for me would I even consider taking him back. Even if that were to happen I'm not holding my breath there would be many many conditions.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 08:12:03

He just doesn't seem sorry at all does he sad

Mrsterry. I love that line!

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 08:45:16

there were a couple of threads posted on here this morning including mine, someone has been abit cheeky and removed them! one refered [about 6am ish] that maybe you should contact this woman on facebook and ask her what happened, she'd be bound to tell the truth. i responded that it wasn't worth the bother as she has nothing to lose, if a marriage/relationship breaks up why would she care?

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 08:46:38

fuck no he's not at all sorry. Still no call, text or email. My sadness has turned to anger. I'm so fucking angry he threw away everything i thought we had on a meaningless shag.

Me too mrsterry I love the line and will bloody well use it on him when I get the opportunity. I want to hurt him, not physically, but emotionally I want him to feel some of this pain that I feel right now. I know that this feeling is spiteful and wrong but I can't shake it off. I don't normally have a bad side honest. I've only ever heard of the a woman scorned line never actually felt it.

Does anyone know what film the line came from..? I need to see this movie.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 08:48:48

sorry about last post, cringe, was on the wrong page!!!! well it is monday morning and i've only had two cups of coffee.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 08:55:27

I agree mrsfuzzy she wouldn't give a flying fuck. I will not be making any contact with her. If she had any morals about he she would not have got into bed with him in the first place. Her opinion means nothing to me

A big thank you to you all for your help and advice.

I'm on my second packet of fags in two days. I don't even smoke, gave up last year as BF soon to be EX BF by the looks of things hates smoking. I need to stop when this packet is finished. Also I will try not to drink wine today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Oct-12 09:05:32

"The trouble with the internet is: everyone has an opinion. They give it freely, without much thought to the fact they are putting ideas and doubts in people heads. "

I guarantee that if the OP sat down with some good friends and told them what she had told us, she would get exactly the same broad brush of opinions and reactions. Ridiculous and rather patronising to suggest that 'the internet' is putting ideas in her head. I'm sure the OP is not so easily influenced.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 09:12:03

Thanks cogito I appreciate everyone's advice on here. I will take from what suits my situation. But all messages welcome. I have read it through and through. It helps to get a varied response, so I can see it for what it is and from all different angles.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 09:19:46

Yes, sorry I suggested that. I mean, I am suggesting you do something I have never done! (but the urge to contact OW never quite gets beat, it is a topic of some threads).

Yes HeartLess, you are reading this very, very well. You are now in a power play. He is telling you clearly he doesn't care, is not remorseful and you have to accept the status quo.

IF you give in you have handed serious power in the relationship to him. I so hope you don't.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 09:26:30

Thanks abitw I will not be giving him that power to hurt me again.

I don't want to be anybody's nothing, witch is was I was at the time of the dirty dead.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 09:44:13

welldone heartless, but like anything else you need to work through the pain and anger in your own time, it will get better and you'll realise that you did the right thing, you can do so much better in life, there is someone out there who is deserving of your love ,.good luck for the future

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 09:55:55

Thank you mrsfuzzy for your kind words.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 10:07:21

"it meant nothing"

For that you should dump him

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 10:08:39

The film referred to upthread is "love actually"

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 10:12:54

I knew he would see her she lives in his holiday home there. She had told him time and time again that she would move out but never did. So they were in the same house. The house has more than one bedroom.

He said yesterday that he will put the house on the market.

I know the trust is gone sad

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 10:14:26

Thanks happy I have that film. Will watch it today.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 10:17:28

If you watch it today, prepare to cry lots more

But maybe that is ok

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 10:38:33

His ex has continued to live in his holiday home thus affording him the opportunity of mixing business with pleasure while saving on hotel bills.

I very much doubt he had a one night stand with his ex and suspect this was more of a case of him picking up with her where he left off, albeit only for the duration of his stay.

I also suspect that history will repeat itself not only on his forthcoming trip but until his holiday home is sold after which, depending on his ex's availability, he's likely to engage in one night stands with her should he have occasion to visit her town/country.

It goes without saying that I may be wrong but you won't know whether I'm right unless you accompany him on his business trips, and when/if he visits the country for the purpose of selling his holiday home, and are able to account for his time.

Overall, it very much sounds as if he's aspiring to emulate the late Jimmy Goldsmith. For some this wouldn't be a big deal, but if fidelity is important to you you've picked the wrong man.

I'm so sorry sad

I have a theory, which you probably won't like, but I have known at least two male friends who cheated on their girlfriends and later told them as an (incredibly stupid and immature) way of getting out of the relationship. Basically they would rather be known as stupid eejits who cheated on their partners and got dumped, rather than stupid eejits who broke up with really amazing women for no good reason.

The fact that he is not grovelling and remorseful and begging you to forgive him says it all. I'm sorry but he can't really care about you enough if this is how he treats you.

And no, whatever good times you have, they are not worth all the mistrust and worry you will have to endure going forward for years. Given that he cheated despite everything in your relationship going well, and you never would have known if he hadn't told you, I don't see how you can ever trust him again. I would personally rather be alone than with someone I had to worry about all the time. That kind of anxiety is really bad for you long-term.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 15-Oct-12 11:05:02

I think perhaps you should look at it as a lucky escape. He is a strange cold man!

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 11:09:49

izzy and dreaming yes that could all possibly be true. I don't know, but what I do know is that he has still not been in touch so it's blatantly obvious that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him.

I now think that he did want out of our relationship. Spilling the beans and being racked with guilt is one thing but to try and justify it as nothing but a meaningless drunken shag is another matter altogether sad

He just sounds awful. I know you're heartbroken but perhaps really you're best rid of him. Who would do this to someone???

Be kind to yourself. Get some RL support, you need it -- who cares if they like him?? They're your friends, they will support you.

musicismylife Mon 15-Oct-12 12:17:01

I haven't read the whole thread and I don't know whether anyone else has mentioned it but is there a possibility that the other woman is pregnant?

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 12:26:33

When dealing with deceivers all things are possible, music, and that thought crossed my mind too.

However, on the subject of what others may or may not have mentioned, you're best advised to get yourself tested for stis asap, Heartless, and if he should come grovelling I hope you'll live up to your name.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 12:45:18

No chance of her being pregnant, shes in her early 50's.

If I had a STD would I have had a sign would things be different down there..? Or could I have one without knowing..? How awful please advise.

NotDavidTennant Mon 15-Oct-12 12:46:38

Sorry, I'm not convinced that this woman is his ex. I think she might be his mistress and "I had one off drunken, meaningless sex with her" might be his way of trying to start softening you up to accept her existence.

I'm sorry but yes you should be tested for STDs. Not all of them have symptoms (like chlamydia).

There has actually been a huge increase in STDs among people in their 40s and 50s, because it's the age when people stop worrying about contraception and so are less likely to use condoms.

I would assume if he had unplanned drunken sex with an ex he probably did not use protection and you should definitely get tested.

But try not to worry! The chances of having anything are really small. Just to be safe though...

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 13:02:42

Op,, in this woman's eyes, you may well be the ow

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 13:15:56

The OW knows about me. I have met all his family. In 18 months, he has only been that one time to the country she lives in.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 13:19:56

Has she visited here in that time ? Would you know if she had?

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 13:23:50

As many stis don't manifest obvious symptoms, you are best advised to pay a visit to a gum clinic in the near future and it would be irresponsible not to do so before you have sex again.

He may have only been to the holiday home which houses his ex one time in 18 months, but now he's going again and only a fool brave woman would bet that he won't be shagging shacking up with her while he's there.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 13:28:57

No she has not visited here and yes I would know through a member of his family who happens to be a close friend of mine and has been for a few years now. It was through my friend that we got together.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 14:55:44

Izzy I'm never having sex again. He was the most wonderful partner I have ever had and it turns out he is a lying shit. I could never have another relationship. I have reread through all his emails sent to me from his trip, many I love and miss you's. No signs, no clues.

His family told me at a family do this summer that they had never seen him so happy. Me too I have never felt such happiness.

It's 7 years since I split with my DH, we are friends and share childcare. My DC adore DP and the only BF they have known me to have. I feel broken.. Totally sad and broken. Sad for my DC.

Still not heard from him. But I did tell him that it was over and that I hated him. That I couldn't believe what he'd done, yadda yadda yadda. I made him leave my house. He did ask if there was anything he could do to stop me hating him. I said no. He hugged me tight and left.

Maybe he was drunk. Maybe she tried it on with him. Maybe the familiarity of her made the mistake more do able. Maybe it was just the once and he regretted it. Maybe to him it was nothing. I know he wants me to believe that it was nothing as that word was thrown around a lot. Maybe as he needs to sell the house she's threatening to tell me herself. Maybe I should fb her and find out the truth. All these maybe's are running through my head.

No sleep or food to speak of the past 2 days. Maybe it is a lucky escape I don't yet think so but am not thinking straight.

I know it's hard, but try to eat and rest. Even if you don't feel like it, your body needs nourishment.

I think the only way I could even begin to comprehend staying with my DH, if he cheated, were if we were going through a terrible patch and things were really awful and he thought we were breaking up anyway, etc. (even then, I don't think I could really stay with him).

If we were totally happy, no problems, and he still cheated? No way. I don't see how I could ever trust him again.

Not all men are like this. But you don't even need to think about future relationships just now. Take care of yourself.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 15:33:06

Thank you dreaming but eating is the last thing I want to do. The lump in my throat is huge.

We were totally happy at the time. Like I said reading all his email from the trip there is no clue, apart from no contact one day. But the county is in a much different time zone.

I just want bedtime to come so I don't have to pretend that all is well in this unpredictable world.

Does anyone have any experience of talking to the OW.? I'm getting tempted to message her. It's wrong I know. But should I do it anyway.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 15-Oct-12 15:43:17

Unfortunately OP by him not contacting you he's showing his true colours isn't he.

None of us are perfect but if he wanted your forgiveness I'd have thought he'd be banging your door down to speak to you.

Good ridance to bad rubbish sweetheart.

It's not inherently wrong. What would you want to say?

You might shake loose a bit more information that would be helpful.

If it's just to swear and cuss her out for ruining your relationship, well, it might feel good now but make you wince later.

I would also be worried about giving her that ammunition. What sort of person refuses to move out of someone else's house? If she's a bit crazy, you don't necessarily want to get involved with her directly.

HeartLess Mon 15-Oct-12 16:43:40

clipped I made him leave told him not to contact me ever again.

dreaming I would not cuss her, but SOME information about what happened would determine the outcome. .?

I thank you both for your time to reply.

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 17:05:56

What would be the point of contacting his ex? The outcome has already been determined by his cheating and she has no vested interest in telling you the truth of what took place between them.

FGS have some self-resepct and keep your dignity.

Opentooffers Mon 15-Oct-12 17:20:04

It's the trying to understand why that can do your head in. If the reason determines the outcome then perhaps you are already looking for reasons to forgive his actions.
Actions speak louder than words though. His act was thoughtless, his telling you was cruel and achieved nothing but heartache for you.
Either he wanted to end the relationship and this was his nasty way of doing it or he wanted you to know and accept it so he would be ok to repeat the experience. Whatever the reason, ask yourself if this is the kind of person that you would want to be with.
His evil deeds are done, surely there would only be a glimmer of hope if he were to spend the future showing true remorse and fighting back for you in some way. Sadly, he seems to have checked out or prefers to wait for you to let him off, and still let him go on this business trip - what a nob!

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 17:25:28

HeartLess I fight the urge to contact OW all the time! So I know the urges.

And 'could I do anything ... hate me less?' is still ALL about him isn't it.

Abitwobblynow Mon 15-Oct-12 17:33:33

PS don't contact. The issue is between you and him, not in the triangle. Offers makes some great points.

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 15-Oct-12 17:40:51

Re: the OW. I can understand the temptation but am not sure it would do any good. You will get more info to brood on. You know he cheated - what more do you need?
Unless you wanted to let her know he was still sleeping with you at the time (how many men say the the OW they aren't getting it at home?) and should get checked for STD's (could be an evil way to get the willies up her) but you should definitely voice it as concern and wish her good luck with or without him.
Up to you, but if you do then prepare yourself for the worst, as you say she clearly has no morals (assuming she knew you were together at the time) and therefore could come back with some nasty responses.

ATourchOfInsanity Mon 15-Oct-12 17:41:31

'Scuse pun about the willies blush !

Doha Mon 15-Oct-12 18:45:38

Little old cynic me thinks you won't hear from him till he comes back from his visit. having given you a chance to cool of and think about it. Meantime as a free agent he will have free reign to shag ow to his hearts content, knowing he is not in a relationship.

HissyByName Mon 15-Oct-12 19:54:39

I'm with doha, he's giving himself the 'we were on a break' get out clause.

What a sad and sorry fucker.

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 19:56:55

Cynic, vous, Doha? Never! Realist, maybe grin

Even if you intend to enter a nunnery, Heartless, get yourself checked for stis as there are some nasties around that you may not be aware you've contracted until they've compromised your health.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Oct-12 21:53:52

My ex used to say to me, "But she meant nothing" and it made it worse, to be honest. To throw away a really good relationship for the sake of a quick shag with someone who means nothing... it's unthinkable, isn't it?

I'd get rid. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain; I know exactly how it feels and it's awful.

Morning OP, I hope you got some rest.

Having read what others have said, I agree it's maybe not the best idea to contact the OW. I think really you have all the information you need to make a decision, and it's not like you can believe anything she will tell you anyway.

Probably the best thing to do is to start reaching out to your RL friends so they can support you through this. Focus on you and what you need to get through this, try not to think about him or the OW or anyone else.

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 13:50:18

Thanks dreaming and everyone else.

I had some fantastic news re work yesterday. It booked me up. I got outta bed, eat a little and had a hair cut.

Driving down my street today. Off to a meeting all scrubbed up, I hade been in the same clothes since Saturday. My DC think I had the flu. Anyhow OH has no reason to drive down my street apart from me and there he was. On his way to my house bringing something my DS need for a school project. Neither one of us got out, he handed me DS stuff through the car window. Asked how I was and told me he loved me, I thanked him for the stuff and replied with am in a hurry off to a meeting and I drove off.

Thank God I wasn't sat home crying.. Yeah fuck you for hurting me..!! I did feel I was having a heart attack on the inside tho. But he couldn't have chosen a better time. We have not spoke since the night he told me an he probably thought me being such a safe bet as someone said up post. That I would be just sat waiting.

I still have not decided which way to go yet.? I really do love him...

MyDonkeysAZombie Wed 17-Oct-12 14:12:31

Glad you had some good news yesterday and are feeling better. How lucky you saw him when you were looking great and bustling off somewhere. Like people have said, focus on you and what you want. It's up to him to make the running now and up to you what you decide to do.

mrsfuzzy Wed 17-Oct-12 14:15:37

you might well do but that is part of the process hon, you have done so well don't give up now, it's going to feel sad and loely for awhile but you are already starting to see daylight, you got your hair cut for a start that,s positive, keep yourrself busy, the work thing should help too, be sad, be angry don't bottle it up, but don't step backwards you may regret it, move on in your own time you need to heal, and remeber on mumsnet there are countless people to listen to your woes and celebrate the positives.

alarkaspree Wed 17-Oct-12 14:26:12

I was thinking the film was 'The Tall Guy'. Maybe Emma Thompson has used the line twice.

Really sorry for your situation Heartless.

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 14:39:22

Mumsnet is fantastic. Many a time I've shared something funny with him from here or he has found me pissing myself at the pc and he says oh your on mumsnet again. Thinking that I may need my own confidential advice one day I've always said it's not mumsnet it's NETMUMS grin

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 14:43:49

Thanks alark I will check out that movie.

A big thank you to all of you for helping me through the past few days.

I feel ten feet tall today and bulletproof with you all behind me.

Doha Wed 17-Oct-12 15:46:30

yep Heartless ren feet taller and 14 stone lighter.......

HeartLess Wed 17-Oct-12 15:51:39

Hahhaha grin maybe.

ATourchOfInsanity Wed 17-Oct-12 19:06:00

Go you! Bet he is wondering whether it is too soon to call/msg you!
Well done! Plus good inspiration to keep looking tip top wink

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now