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when you have finally escaped an abusive relationship...

(85 Posts)
cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 18:25:55

how do you move on? how do you get past what he has said to you, the threats, the put downs followed by the begging, the sorry, I love you, i always will blah blah

How do you move on, trust again? not live in fear.

I am finally out, but feel weird as he has gone but the "threat" hasn't iyswim

anyone felt like this before?

He admitted that his ex wife and person he lived with before said EXACTLY the same as what I have and he'll probably do it again :-( psychologically F***s you up

jaffacake2 Fri 12-Oct-12 18:31:44

Breathe in,breathe out,one step at a time.
Dont rush into the next relationship,give yourself a chance to really know yourself because all that emotional abuse will have left you with a low self esteem. You need to build on that,feel good about yourself
If you have children focus on their needs,for they will have been affected too by listening to all the abuse and maybe seeing it. See if there are any positive male role models for them in your family.
It will get better,but you will always be slightly on your guard.
I speak from personnal experience and brought up my daughters from when they were little because of domestic violence from their father.

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Fri 12-Oct-12 18:35:08

Time. And being nice to yourself. And bring prepared for the bad memories to come up when you don't expect them.

I hope someone else has more practical advice, but I also have to say Bloody Well Done.

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 12-Oct-12 18:37:55

Time, and counselling. And one day you will start to feel ok again.

Meglet Fri 12-Oct-12 18:40:47

I still feel threatened 4 years on and we never see him anymore. I think he lives in the same town though.

But on the other hand I've never felt sad that he's gone, I certainly didn't cry about it, I wasn't wasting wrinkles on him!

When both kids are at school next year I will hopefully have time for some counselling as there are a few things I need to talk over and I've been pushing them down for a few years now.

And, yes, I understand from mutual friends that he's just as bloody awful to his current girlfriend.

DistressedMumHELP Fri 12-Oct-12 18:45:20

Firstly I would recommend the freedom programme. I have started two weeks ago and already understand more. I still feel threatened almost a year later and worry he will find out where I live but I have a couple of local people who look after me.

cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 19:08:46

I knew Domestic Violence was in his divorce, but he said it was a one off incident. he seemed truly sorry. But the reaction of his ex wife was to stop contact with his son, go into "hiding" be hysterical (his words)... and now that has happened to me :-( however i have no kids with him and never lived with him. He admitted today it happened with another serious relationship where they lived together. He said, all three of us have said the same.. at least he has admitted that.. he said he has "seen the light"
however hours before, he said things like , "my blood is on his hands" and he is giving me the heads up to get out before things get really "messy" :-( I felt threatened and scared.
BTW, this happened today

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Fri 12-Oct-12 19:14:36

Are you safe? You need to report this to your local police NOW. He's made a threat against you - at least make sure they know your address, and that if a phone call comes in it's to be reward seriously.

Then phone Women's Aid, or your local refuge, and talk through some basic safety measures.

Do you have a friend who could maybe come over and talk while it's all so fresh for you?

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Fri 12-Oct-12 19:15:01

Reward= taken

cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 19:22:11

he cried and cried afterwards, said he would never hurt me and it was never his intention. He left on a positive note, saying thank you for happy times etc.. it makes it very confusing. He said he did it out of frustration, he is sorry
I am in on my own, doors locked. I am wretching, have been most of the day :-(
I believe i am safe, yes

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Fri 12-Oct-12 19:41:51

Still worth phoning the police, and please do phone WA - they can talk you through some of the next steps you need to be taking.

Do you have any family you trust nearby?

cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 19:53:54

stupid thing is i feel ashamed and embarrassed. i havent told anyone in RL and would not tell family.. i do have other people i feel i could trust i just dont have the courage to say. i have no idea how i would open a conversation with WA?

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Fri 12-Oct-12 19:57:35

Just read what you've written here to them?

Kernowgal Fri 12-Oct-12 20:48:45

You take one day at a time, one hour at a time if needs be. It's still very new for you, so take care of yourself.

I'm four months out of mine, but he made it easier for me by never apologising or begging me to take him back. It was very final for us, probably because of his ridiculous arrogance and sense of entitlement pride, but I think he realised I'd seen through him and didn't want him anyone near me. He knew he'd lost me.

Definitely look into the freedom project, and get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft if you haven't already. Then come and join us on the "support for those in emotionally abusive relationships" thread.

Well done smile

Kernowgal Fri 12-Oct-12 20:49:52

anyone near me?

ahem, anywhere. I've not even had a glass of wine yet.

susiedaisy Fri 12-Oct-12 20:55:56

One day at a time, I left my exH 22 months ago and am still recovering, life is so much better though, I have has some counselling and spent time doing little things just for myself that I couldn't do when I was with him, which I have found very liberating!

cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 21:10:09

yes i am taking it slow. I am in denial tonight. I have been physically sick i am so churned up. I hate being alone, but i would only want the "right" person here and I am not sure who that is... physically still not feeling well, so lying on settee. Im feeling like it was all a dream, feeling detached from the real world, as if i am trapped but i know logically Im not? I have Lundy Bancroft, need to dig it out, bought it regarding exH who ironically wasnt as bad as the latest ex :-(
Yeah i know it is going to take a LONG time to recover. I already have councelling in place

HissyByName Fri 12-Oct-12 22:07:08

This all ended today?

My love, you'll still be in shock for a few days yet!

Then you'll start to relax.

You are going to be ok. Call WA and tell them whar you've told us, and ask them for all the support they have to get you through the next few days/weeks.

Eventually it'd be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme, perhaps beforehand read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, and keep talking.

Most important? Understand that none of this was your fault, you didn't cause this, and couldn't have stopped this.

Keep posting, we're all here for you.

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 08:46:13

HBN, thanks for your response, it had been going on for over a year. We were never really "official" iyswim, so no-one knows what has been happening..
today, i still feel sick. My reaction to it has been to overeat (i am normally very healthy, Im not overweight) but i ate so much c**p i made myself sick :-(
ok, so really this is day 1. I am free all day, my ds is with his dad. I have lots to do, housework etc but i could also get out of here. at the moment i am in bed.. i just feel utterly miserable. I should be happy, i can start again, i can be free. i can do anything, so why do i feel as i do

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 10:04:32

Sweety, you were abused, you are a victim. It takes time to heal.

You will recover, yes it will take work, but you'll come out of this stronger than you've ever been before.

There's a brilliant thread here - the Emotional Abuse thread, number 12 now I think, they'll put you back together!

Keep posting and know that in just a few short days, you'll start to see a change. The cloud will start to lift.

Read your book, it really will help!

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 10:07:35

Why not give WA a call, talk to them about your feelings? They will understand. The only time I called them was a few months after my ex left. It's a start.

If you're in Hampshire, I know of a free DV support group, let me know if that's applicable?

deliasmithy Sat 13-Oct-12 11:05:26

Hello OP,

I hope you're doing ok today. All good advice given to you already, but wanted to add that from what you describe, this man's apologetic behaviour is also part of the abuse cycle. Sounds like he's in the making up stage. The purpose of this is to draw you back in under his control. Keep ignoring it. You're doing well smile

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Sat 13-Oct-12 11:16:19

Have a duvet day sweetie. You've been through the emotional equivalent of a car crash, and emotional abuse creates a physical response - tensed muscles, bad stomach, too much adrenaline in the system.

Give yourself time to heal.

But please do see if you can talk to a real person - it might be a bit painful to start, but it really will help.

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 14:43:09

ok, so its now the afternoon and i am taking everything as it comes. I havent spoken to anyone today, but i have been out for a drive, I had a wonder around and i felt a glimmer of feeling "free"... the horrible place seemed to lift a little and i realised the world can be good again.. I know this is only the start but it is a start yeah? Ive continued to eat rubbish today, just not me, but i dont care, i think there is more to life and i just want to feel better. I want to keep strong. I dont think he meant it (i know i am making excuses for him here) but i really dont. He has had a lot go on in his life and I can see he is, or wants to be a good person really. In terms of me though, i am not going back. I'm don't want to sound big headed here but he doesnt deserve me. My son needs a better role model, thankfully he is young. I just keep wondering, why and how? How did i let it get to that stage and why did it?
Ironically and strangely, he told me he wasnt good enough and if anyone treats me again how he has, i know what to do... very strange him giving advice? does he know what he is doing here am I just naive? He told me not to trust anyone as everyone has an agenda? I said to him there are a lot of good and nice people in the world and i dont wish to view it that way....
anyway, getting out of the house has helped.. thank you all

susiedaisy Sat 13-Oct-12 14:59:40

Thinking of you op x

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 16:02:33

You SEE? TOLD YOU! Day 2 and you have seen the glimmer! WELL BLOODY DONE LOVE!

His words prove to you sadly that he knew full well what he was doing to you and why.

He knew it was unacceptable and that he still thought it appropriate.

Keep this dreadful person OUT of your life for good.

Don't EVER give him another chance. PLEASE?

You are not being big headed when you say he doesn't deserve you. You are saying the absolute barest minimum of truth. You ARE too good for him.

Imagine the kind of guy that WOULD be good enough for you! THAT'S what you WILL end up with.

I'm almost 2 years down the track after a 10 year DV relationship. I've worked bloody hard to heal, but it's paying off.

I now have the most wonderful, caring, kind and considerate man I have ever met in my life as my gorgeous 6'5" boyfriend. I pinch myself regularly!

Know that all that you have gone through WILL make you stronger and you will be happier than you have ever been in your life, but that there are a few steps you need to make before you get there.

Keep this faith, keep this joy in your sights and know that it is ALL yours, but that you have to work hard and keep focussed and keep walking towards it.

Being dragged down by anyone that is anything less than 100% supportive of you, having anything to do with this ex of yours, or allowing yourself to settle for those that don't put you first and foremost is only going to delay your arrival at the Happiest Point in your life.

Remember, all bad things need negativity to fuel them. Happiness breeds itself. Remove the negative and you will rise up again. Love yourself and others will too.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sat 13-Oct-12 16:11:21

Hello lovely

It took me a couple of years away from my abusive ex to feel completely 'safe'. Counselling was incredibly helpful too.

You're doing great smile

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 21:15:39

Hissybyname, wow thanks for your post. how did you meet your new amazing man?
Im not doing too well tonight. may be the fact i have spent all day alone. i keep wondering why, why , why. why did it happen? when i am away from him, i feel i love him. when i was with him, well, i couldnt be with him :-( its so very confusing...

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 21:16:18

how could someone who loves you call you "headcase"..

jaffacake2 Sat 13-Oct-12 21:22:47

Remember it is all about power and control over you body and mind.
He calls you a headcase to minimise you,make you feel unworthy of him and insecure. By doing that he has complete control over you.
When you are stronger you will realise this relationship was not grounded in respecting you as a person who has needs but is also an independant strong woman. He wouldnt be able to cope if you showed him that you are not in his power
Move on,build yourself up,love someone who deserves you.

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 21:39:22

Darling, you have to walk before you can run!

You'll get to where I am, you really will, but there are steps you can't skip on the way. I told you where I am so you can see that that glimmer is real! It gets bigger and brighter, the glimmer becomes a glow, a shine, brilliant. There were times I was overwhelmed by how happy I felt. But there was a great deal of pain I had to let go of before then. No-one told me it'd be ok, that I'd ever heel happy, so I'm hoping me showing you that the grass this side is so luscious and green and that it's all yours, will help keep you focussed!

You will feel awful at times, you will cry, you will miss the good times. Remember though that each good time was overshadowed by the more frequent bad times.

It's so common for us to normalise everything, doing the freedom programme willhelp you see just how much un-normal stuff was reprogrammed in your life to allow him to keep abusing you.

You're starting counselling soon aren't you, that'll help.

My mantra was The truth will set you free. The truth about what he did, the truth about why (because he wanted to) and the truth that it was wrong, and that you deserve better.

You may not have any family support (I didn't, most DV victims don't) but I had MN, and it was my lifeline. Use it, and me if that helps, as much as you need to.

This time next year, I know where you'll be, and that's blissfully happy. No matter how hard the path becomes to follow in the meantime, keep focussed on the other side!

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 21:42:37

Oh.. Your question... Internet dating!

Yeah! Me!

Thing is, internet dating is a good and quick training ground... When you're ready though!

When the time comes, we'll help you through that minefield too! :D

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 22:26:54

thanks HBN
I am trying to keep strong, i dont want to feel the pain though, i just dont and i know it is there waiting to come out. I wouldnt be able to talk to my family about this, i dont want to. i met him online :-(
i feel like i am never going to get out of feeling stuck, Im feeling back to square one, following my divorce and trying to learn to trust again. At the moment, i dont think i will ever be ready :-(
I am so pleased you have got to that place. Im feeling it is going to take a lot longer than a year for me

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 22:38:49

Don't underestimate yourself!

I met my abuser in RL. If you're vulnerable, if you don't know what to look for, if you have no back up, no hgood examples to follow,how on earth are you going to know?

I want you to unnderstand that yes you will feel some pain, any end of a relationship will do that to you, but you can and will learn from it, it will pass, and life will be better. Understand that you will gain from feeling these feelings, yes, you heard me. You will gain!

Have faith. It's too early for you to worry about what's next, the only subject you need to care for is you.

You can handle this, you will get through this, we've got your back. You can lean on us! We'll not let you fall!

You got through Day 2!

See? You did that!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 14-Oct-12 00:42:57

Too right people on here have an agenda!

We want you safe, we want you away from anyone who would take your body & soul apart, and we'd rather like you happy & free & knowing how to steer clear of abusive men inthe future.

I personally think its an agenda I like. And I think any decent man or woman would too. I can understand why a damaged & damaging abuser might not though?

I get cross when people like him try & alienate others from their support systems, & mumsnet in my experience (& alot of others I think also), well, mumsnet is a damn good source of support advice & fellowship.

HissyByName Sun 14-Oct-12 09:15:46

<Like>
smile

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 09:27:29

FIve years + down the line here and it is possible. It took me about 18 months to actually feel any better. Yeah the immediate threat was gone but he was still torturing me from further away. Somewhere around the three year mark I accepted the full horror of the human being that he was, and FROM that point I think it ceased to distress me. He hasn't changed. He's still the same delusional bully he always was but he is nothing to me now.

My x hated those lesbian losers on the internet.

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 09:30:15

ps, too soon for dating imo!! I left it three years before I went on a date, and it was five before I went on a date that led to another date! Even thought I had read a few dating books and knew what kind of man to avoid, I found I was still inadvertently sending signals to decent men that I wasnt worthy of being treated well. And this, after counselling, psychotherapy and reading a few self-help books. Honestly, leave the dating a while. Get back on your feet.

lubeybooby Sun 14-Oct-12 09:33:40

So if you don't have children with him then cut all contact, change your number, block anywhere he needs blocking and never, ever look back. You only string out the pain with every litle bit of contact afterwards. Be kind to yourself by not dragging it out.

Yes it will feel awful for a while but hang on in there and bit by bit it will get better

You've done the right thing x

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 10:19:42

Yes, I agree with that advice 100%. I was lucky that I could delegate handovers to my parents. I would have gone insane otherwise. I did change my number. He got it anyway and I couldn't work out how, until I realised he had read it off the label on my dd's anorak.

cheesestrung Sun 14-Oct-12 18:24:39

Hi thanks for all your replies.. I guess it is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster to begin with...
I dragged it out lubeybooby for far too long, instead of ending it while the alarm bells were ringing i carried on. It got worse.
He is gone, we have no contact, I just wish I could get him out of my head. It doesnt feel real, it doesnt feel like it is over, but it is.. i couldnt date at the moment anyway JennaLemon, i dont feel good about myself at all and realise my faults too.. I wonder why i let it go on so long? He has made me very wary of men, apparently no-one could love me like he did, i didnt realise who i had .. his words..." do you know who i am?" it just made me feel threatened...
feeling :-(

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:43

Well, take comfort from the memory that you DID see the warning signs. It's not that they were there and you didn't see them. They were there and yet you ignored them and got in deeper (or didn't end things immediately). I was the same.

That scared me that my self-esteem was so low. But actually, my judgement was not poor. I always knew he wasn't a nice kind decent person. And for some reason I didn't tell him to fuck off. I tried to make it work. ???

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:12

ps........ the reason I put up with it so long was that I think I felt self-conscious about being single (again). I felt the need to show that I was normal and could have a relationship. Whereas I see now that I should have been strong enough and confident enough to NOT CARE if people were counting how long it was since I'd had a relationship. I also realised that I had prioritised appearing happy and normal over being happy and sane. That was a shocking realisation for me. That I could have cared more what other people thought, that I could have prioritised my own happiness beneath what other people thought of me.
I read something somewhere at about the same time I discovered that... "what other people think of me is none of my business" and it struck a chord with me. I try to repeat it to myself.
you are SO recently out of this 'relationship' that at the moment just look after yourself. The epiphanies will come. Counselling sessions will be got through. Books ordered off the internet!! one step at a time and in the mean time, just enjoy the things you can do in peace without him there spoiling them, sapping all the enjoyment out of the simple things you can easily enjoy as a single person.

cheesestrung Sun 14-Oct-12 22:01:56

wow "what other people think of me is none of my business" i haven't thought of it that way before... Im just taking one day at at time.. i hope i can stay strong and just get my head and thoughts straight, I know he isnt good for me, so it is very strange how i feel drawn to him.. Loneliness and the images of the future i once had with him I guess .. was it a complete waste of time? did i really need that experience?

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 22:26:01

you didn't NEED it, but you've learnt from it, you've survived it, you'll trust your judgement the next time,,,,,,,,, and your empathy for others' various different dilemmas may be increased.

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 22:27:15

althgouh, don't be worrying about others right now!!! I just meant, I used to hear people whining about this and that adn I'd think 'eh get over it, move on!'. Im much more sympathetic to people's pain now. Hopefully not too much 0_o

janelikesjam Mon 15-Oct-12 00:24:00

I had to be very, very caring to myself.

Sometimes I learned to stand up for myself in dififcult situations, with wisdom, foresight and strength if necessary.

But always, take care of myself in the way no-one else had done before.

cheesestrung Mon 15-Oct-12 09:45:50

ok, so it is now day 3 with no contact. I know it is going to take a while to sink in. The hell of the last year, getting over what he has said to me. I seem to have gone into overdrive mode, i know this can be common. Perhaps trying to escape how i feel. I dont want to feel the pain.
I know what you mean JLJ i need to take care of myself more, at the moment, i dont seem to have a lot of motivation.. I feel like i have been there and done with with my ex husband. Just feel back to square one. :-(
i dont feel like i can keep up with my own life, does that make sense? As a single parent, I feel like i am trying to juggle loads of balls and if i am not in tip top shape they one by one seem to fall down. Deep breathes, i need to get a grip... the emotional changes are difficult to deal with..

JennaLemon Mon 15-Oct-12 20:40:22

I know exactly what you mean. I don't work, and a working (but married) friend raised eyebrows recently when I said I felt I had too many balls in the air. blush But I have two kids and I often feel overwhelmed by the rubbish,cleaning, tidying, washing & hanging out and putting away clothes!, recycling, shopping , Making lunches, paying bills, keeping up with MY own health care, smears , dentist etc... argh,. and people say to me 'so!! have you got a job yet??'. I feel like I'm struggling with the job of being me! well, I'm managing but I certainly can't take on any more. So,,,, not sure that helps you but I understand. I think some people do what they need to do on auto pilot but it takes it out of me. I write everything down and live in fear of forgetting something!

HissyByName Mon 15-Oct-12 21:02:57

Well done love, another day down! I know it's hard, but this time next week it'll be easier.

Think about stuff from day to day, as the adrenaline leaves your system, you'll be able to look further ahead.

cheesestrung Mon 15-Oct-12 21:28:13

thanks so much. this support is invaluable. I think, what would it be like if we all met in a room lol... let it all out!
Im NOT giving up, i will get through this.. It is bl**dy hard, however.. there are people in worse situations, so really i should count my blessings, despite the crap. I have my health.. my physical health, not mental health at the moment, but that can be worked on....
Im keeping going and i am holding on to the glimmers of happiness i have felt.. the adrenaline is still there.. however it is calming down... life is too short. I have learnt and i am still learning...

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 15-Oct-12 21:37:20

Welll done lovely, you're doing brilliantly xxx

crackcrackcrak Mon 15-Oct-12 22:29:34

Hi op and everyone else. I left my abusive husband in April. The first few weeks were hard and I had either total insomnia or vivid nightmares. After a few weeks dd1 started to settle down and seem much happier and this perked me up and made me feel stronger.
I put a lot of effort in to getting finances etc under control and it made me feel like I was coping - because I was!

Exh is still a total nightmare and worse than ever though. I got an injunction to keep him at bay. God knows what he'd have done by now if I didn't. His 1st wife cut off contact, warned him about contacting her through solicitors and forbade him to contact her son. This makes total sense now. I dread to think what he will do to future partners. He has hot progressively worse in the 3 major relationships he has had now. Because I stood up to him I dread to think how even more abusive and misogynist he will be now [sad. That said I hope for my sake he gets a GF soon or anything that keeps him occupied a bit more sad

JennaLemon Mon 15-Oct-12 23:13:29

I wondered if my x would treat a future partner better, but he said to my mother recently 'I did nothing wrong'. I only feel a tiny bit angry hearing that. Mostly I just feel shock, that a person can have so little self-awareness, and have learnt so little.

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 07:45:09

Genuinely, who gives a flying foccacia if the Ex has the capability of treating a future partner better?*

The fact is that OUR future partner will be everything our last was NOT. We focus on ourselves now, the importance of love, respect, kindness and honesty.

We do the work on US now, we learn to care for US, to respect ourselves, to set OUR boundaries and everyone else around us.

*He doesn't btw. It may 'look' as if he is, for a while, she may even say so, but we know that she is in as much danger as we were. She may be better at 'taking it' than us, but that is nothing to crow about. The problem is with HIM, his insecurities, his need for power. Until he loses that addiction to control, he'll always be like that. With partners, and when they are old enough to have an opinion, with any of his DC too.

Jenna why is your Ex talking to your mother, or why is your mother talking to your ex? Moreover what on flaming earth was she thinking reporting back to you? If she is giving him any quarter at all, you need to consider distancing yourself from HER too. You wouldn't be the first to have your own family support the abusive ex. Anyone that was abusive to my child would not get a second of y time, I'd tear them limb from limb. My own mother said to me that she was worried as I was so angry towards my ex... with a tone that said I wasn't entitled to be so.

I AM, and what's more, a proper mother would have been angry at him too. Not dismissing MY anger. angry

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 10:34:09

HBN, i totally agree. I havent told my mother about what has happened as i would be wary she would turn it back around onto me. It wasnt my fault he threatened me and refused to leave my house. I asked him calmly to leave and he wouldnt. OK, so Day 4... my head feels a little clearer however it is going in phases where i feel ok and forget about it to it hitting me and not feeling real.. I just have to go with it dont i? what else can I do? im going to docs this morning, to get help in terms of anxiety for a short while alongside going to look after myself a lot more and take it a day at a time.. deep breathes...

JennaLemon Tue 16-Oct-12 10:43:13

Odd that he is making veiled threats about somebody else treating you badly in the future!? as though he were going to be your knight in shining armour now?! having treated you badly himself. He sees you as his chattel. "Mine to treat badly." He'll get annoyed if somebody else treats you badly. WEll, those words would have a bit more weight if he'd treated you well himself. It cuts NO ice with me and don't let it soften your resolve not to see him again.

Don't be too hard on youreslf analysing your part in allowing all of this to happen to you. YES reflection is useful, and the self awareness to understand HOW you ended up in this situation will free you from the risk of it happening again, but for now, don't berate yourself. AT this stage it'd be hard to think about how you ended up tolerating it all without berating yourself I think.

I'm repeating myself here, but be good to yourself, eat well, reconnect with friends, do exercise! do the things he used to sulk when you did! value your freedom. treat yourself to things he would have considered a waste of money!

your son has you as a role model!! man around or no man around. My son said to me a few years ago 'mum you are the only mum who can assemble a wardrobe'. and I was so touched, that that impressed him!

plenty of time for thinking about your lack of self-esteem/confidence and analysing what led you to this relationship. I know the whys and the why mes and the how could hes go round and round in your head though.

JennaLemon Tue 16-Oct-12 10:44:14

be honest with the doctor. tell her you feel threatened and anxious. i'm a firm believer in having this stuff on record.

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 12:10:19

thanks JL, yes i am going to try to get back to the place before i met him, exercise etc and just learn to relax again.. went to the doc who described this as a potential abusive relationship and said at least i have got out now rather than 5 years down the line... Im sure i will reflect a lot, that is the type of person I am which probably doesnt help if you are prone to depression/anxiety but to be honest i think it is natural after something that has happened that feels quite traumatic to you, even if to others it wouldnt iyswim?
I need to be back to that strong mother i was for my son, not someone who is so stressed and under pressure that i cant give my full attention to him and "be" there... in mind ...
yes the why why why is still there,, i'm hoping in time it was all unravel and i will have a logical explanation... if you dont mind I'll keep posting as it really helps, especially in those low, isolating moments

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 14:05:01

Remember, it's OK to 'feel', grief and sadness are normal, if you need a voice, call WA, the Samaritans etc, Respect even.
You have done everything right, you are not alone, and you will get back to you.

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 14:47:28

thank you, i am beginning to feel... and it is getting overwhelming.. a sharp pain my my chest. I have never called a helpline before...im trying to just distract myself.. I'll come to terms with it eventually, i hope it doesnt take as long as i feel it will

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 14:56:44

Keep posting, it's essential! It's good practice for re-entering normal life.

Check out the Emotional Abuse support thread on here too, the support there is awesome, and everyone just 'gets' it.

You're doing really well love, you'll be fine. Stick with it (and us)!

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 15:00:53

Use whatever support works. No limits! You need lots of real help, but none of that is your fault. I'm not liking the sharp pain in the chest, indeed talk to the Dr, it's probably just stress, but make sure. You'll be OK, everyone wants to help you!

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 16:03:50

I called WA, to give me the strength to call to book onto the Freedom Programme. Otherwise I had lots of MNers to call on. Typing about stuff is one thing, opening your mouth is another. It was for me anyway.

cheesestrung Wed 17-Oct-12 14:30:22

hello. day 5 and i'm feeling better, its slow but im feeling with each day that goes by, im feeling a little bit more like me and my mind is becoming clearer,does that make sense? has anyone ever felt they have "woken up" and actually looked around what is going on around you? I feel like i was trapped with him ..
The pain in chest is anxiety, ive had it many times before, but its gone today.
Im wondering what he is doing, thinking of the nice times, but i know i cant be with him.I feel im getting more courage to be able to "speak" about it iyswim in real life.. so hopefully i will get the courage perhaps to call a support line.. thanks for being there

HissyByName Wed 17-Oct-12 16:46:05

With the exeception of the chest pains, I can tell you that I felt EXACTLY as you did.

Locking the front door, putting the chain on knowing he was thousands of miles away really helped too!

The Fog, the clearing mind, everything is what I remember feeling. I STILL feel like I'm waking up... But now from the best recurring dream ever, cos every day gets better!

Well done!

cheesestrung Wed 17-Oct-12 22:52:27

thanks HBN.. you still feel like you are waking up now... how much further on are you than me? I know this was a relatively short relationship, however i thinks the effects will last. My confidence is low. No-one knows what happened. For some reason today at work i felt a sense of embarrassment i wonder where that has come from ? maybe because i know what kind of a state i got to? perhaps im being a little paranoid. is this a confidence issue? I do feel like i am returning. i cannot imagine having spent years with this man and feeling trapped there like some do.. i let it go on FAR too long. I was thinking to myself, what if he knocked at my door? and i think my reaction would be to let him in... so strange.. yet i know i NEED to keep away from him

HissyByName Thu 18-Oct-12 07:45:25

My awakening.is all the good stuff.denied to me by him, by my family, and shown to me by my friends and boyfriend.

I feel like a toddler sometimes, marvelling at the beauty and wonder of normal life, with normal people in it.

I pinch myself a lot!

All this will be yours too love!

Your feelings are the same as those of us who spent years with our abusers.

We all feel embarrassment, but its misplaced. We did nothing to be ashamed of.

Stay strong, you're on the right track!

cheesestrung Thu 18-Oct-12 19:35:35

HBN
yes i feel like i need my "escape" aswell it is about time. i live close to mother who does not have a positive effect..
Ive had a "slump" tonight.. feel low.. just sometimes cannot see a way out, im going through the motions of life.. make sense? Im thinking about ex but not so much the good things, its getting me down. i was getting to such a good place before i met him and it is like he has ruined it. i know this is a state of mind, i just cant seem to pull myself out of it :-(

itsthequietones Thu 18-Oct-12 20:11:16

You'll get there Cheese, it's still early days. As other posters have said, do things that make you happy, put on a tv program that will make you laugh, read a funny book, look through the mumsnet classic threads (always works for me).

It's been 15 years or more since I got out of an abusive relationship. I still remember what it felt like though. The best advice I can give is to seek help that will help you to heal now, through Women's Aid, counselling, anything that will support you and give you the tools to work through this.

Don't do what I did and minimise what your ex has done. After years of pushing it all aside I've started counselling and it is frightening how much it has affected my life over the years.

cheesestrung Thu 18-Oct-12 21:08:26

isqt
thanks, i think at some point i will pick up the phone and speak to WA, i keep going into denial. im looking at pictures of him and thinking did that really happen? he is smiling and to an outsider you would never think... so confused, when i look at pics i think i love him... when i dont and i am going about my everyday life i dont. strange?

HissyByName Thu 18-Oct-12 21:40:39

Lovely, not that you need to worry about it now, but when you are ready, you will deal with it, and you will learn, you will be ok.

As quietones says, it has to be dealt with, it won't just go away by itself. Your mum is instrumental in this too. You have a long journey ahead, but one that you must take, and one that you really will feel bloody awesome on the other side.

I know of women going into group therapy over 20 years after they got out, because the issues were still there, she'd never dealt with them.

Remember that no matter how hard things get, it IS something you will get through, you have to get through, and by god you'll feel just bloody awesome when you're on the other side!

That's for you too quietones smile you're doing the right thing, and you will so see that it's worth every penny/second!

cheesestrung Fri 19-Oct-12 09:55:45

Ive got through the 1st week, dont really think it has hit me properly yet. This time last week was horrendous, so much emotion, crying from him etc i felt threatened. HBN you are right.. did you have to move away from your parents to find this happiness? I have had glimmers of the happiness, so it is there and in me :-) its more circumstances holding me back... I know ive done the right thing, very hard detaching though

sodthis Fri 19-Oct-12 15:00:23

hey cheesestrung its a week since I called the police on my now ex partner. I feel better away from him, no more crying, yes I miss him well the good part of him but I still feel I don't want him anywhere near me or my kids. I started the freedom programme this week and its really helped to realise actually I wasn't being over sensitive, or over emotional, he was wrong to treat me the way he did , he's the one with the problem. Have you got things planned for the weekend, I find keeping busy really helps me xx

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 19:58:46

My mum lives a couple of villages over, I see her less and less frequently. Her house is on the market, so she's moving hours away. My sister's already moved down there.

I cut my sister out of my life about 6m ago, same for my dad. Just getting rid of them has transformed my life. The only fly in the ointment is Mother, but I know at some point she will go.

She has my son sometimes, so it suits me for now, but when that changes, I'll make no effort to keep in touch.

Mentally neutralising them all in my head has given me so much power. Yes I'm furious still, with them all, but when the last link is broken, I know I'll be alone, but free.

I've met a wonderful man, with similar family issues, and it's great cos he truly understands my situation and supports me in the way I feel. That is worth its weight in gold, let me tell you!

The support on MN is awesome, the FB friends I have as a result are my day to day lifeline.

I'm re-writing my life, the way I want it! :D

cheesestrung Sat 20-Oct-12 16:30:56

Hi HBN
I feel like i want to escape too, sounds like you are finally free. My mum lives close so it feels wrong, like i have a sense of duty to see her, even though she doesnt add anything to my life, she has the opposite effect, apart from the occasional childcare. I feel a pressure on me when i know she is home and cant relax in my own house...
im day 8, and am thinking about HIM, feeling puzzled as to why he would be so awful, why he would put me under so much pressure? i lost my sense of self :-(
no contact though so done well there.. the adrenaline is dying down.. no idea how to get my confidence back though..

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 10:55:07

When you realise that you're safe, your confidence will return, bit by bit.

Don't worry about ehy he did what he did, that way madness lies! smile you'll never know, and even if you ask him, he'll either lie, or most likely he won't ever know himself. That is HIS problem now.

By ending it, you only need focus on yourself.

Have you read 'why does he do that'?

If not, pleaser read it ASAP, then you'll see what I'm talking about! smile

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 10:56:54

Everything you are feeling is what we ALL felt btw. Remember that? We all got through this, and so will you!

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sun 21-Oct-12 12:59:42

Hi cheese, I agree with what Hissy said. You will get through this smile

cheesestrung Sun 21-Oct-12 20:51:31

thank you. struggling with something different on top of escaping abusive relationship. my exh has a new partner.. everything seems too much sometimes :-(

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 21:20:51

Which tells you that life goes on!

Do the work on you, get yourself match fit, and you too will get there.

Your time will come love, have faith!

cheesestrung Sun 21-Oct-12 21:25:13

my son told me he loves her more than me.. he has met her twice... i just feel out of control of my life..
i dont have faith, the only way i feel i will have my time is if i move away, from the family home, from my family and from exh and exp

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 22:49:36

If that is what you need to do, you'll be able to do it. But no sudden moves now, eh?

You know your son's words are untrue, she's not his mummy. Seek out the real truth here. Stop. Think. Work this out in your mind.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 22-Oct-12 11:44:21

Big hugs, cheese. It sounds like your son is testing you and the timing is bloody awful! She's new and shiny and a bit 'Disney' at the moment, it will pass.

susiedaisy Mon 22-Oct-12 15:02:48

Cheese don't worry about your son saying things like that, they all do it, why I don't know but they do, maybe fear insecurity anger boredom alsorts of emotions, my youngest dc keeps telling me that no one likes me and I'm sad, this usually happens after he has come back from visiting his dad and new girlfriend, I realise its just his way of dealing with things and to a child it may look like his dad has landed on his feet, new GF, new house, fancy holidays etc etc but I don't let it bother me anymore although to begin with it hurt like buggary! I usually respond with 'that's ok if you feel like that but I still love you' and of course leave the way open for little chats whenever dc need to. We have good days and shit days but overall life's alot better! HTH

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