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Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

(226 Posts)
cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 12:46:44

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:
- £40 on blue rays
- £50 on going out
- £60 on X box games
- £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 12:51:08

nb

laptop playing games not working in the evenings

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Fri 12-Oct-12 12:54:09

He's financially abusive.

Bullying you over the tiniest thing you spend on you and the kids while he spends to excess on himself like some overgrown teenager [mad]

He sounds as if he thinks he is the master of the house and entitled to whatever he likes because 'he works'. You work too, taking care of his children so he doesn't have to deal with any of the logistics of childcare.

Could you work out a plan whereby you each get an equal amount to spend once everything else, incl a decent sum put aside for everything child-related, has been paid for? But not asking him as a favour, rather making it clear that the financial inequality in your relationship is unacceptable?

If he won't respond reasonably, you might want to talk to Women's Aid about your options. It is not OK for him to make you live like this. Not OK at all.

DowagersHump Fri 12-Oct-12 12:54:49

Your husband is a git, sorry sad

He's financially abusing you. You get £70/week to feed and clothe you and the kids which is less than he spent on himself this month.

Stop feeling shit and start getting angry.

Squitten Fri 12-Oct-12 12:55:57

Well, he sounds just lovely!

Quite obviously it's one rule for him and a different one for you. What do you get out of the relationship other than a horrible life...? You don't have to put up with it you know

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 12:58:18

I'm sorry you're being financially abused and you feel trapped. It isn't your fault at all. You haven't messed up - you've just put your faith in a man who is supposed to love you but who has turned out to be unreasonable, abusive and selfish. I'm not suprised you're feeling so depressed. BTW If he's on £44k he's bringing home about £2600/month so expecting you to make a housekeeping budget of £280/month spin out is an insult. Where does the rest of it go? It isn't right that you don't have access to accounts or have to go begging for money

People in your situaton can get a lot of good help and advice from Womens Aid. Do you get the CB paid into your account? Do you qualify for tax credits?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 12-Oct-12 12:58:20

He is an abusive shit, and you deserve better.

givemeaclue Fri 12-Oct-12 12:59:14

This is terrible I really feel for you. Agree you need proper advice . Also could you tell your mum or a friend and get some real life support?

You should have equal access to money he is controlling it all. Shame on him it I, despicable.

He is trapping you. You have not wasted your degree. You are not in anyway to blame for this.

I fear that this man will never change his attitude sad He doesnt see you as his wife or the mother of his children. To him you are the hired help.

Please stop taking this. You are worth so much more than this.

cakeandcustard Fri 12-Oct-12 12:59:50

That's not on at all, he's being entirely unreasonable. You are living in poverty and he's living the life of riley. Someone once said on here that as soon as you have kids any income becomes the families income. My DH earns the same amount as yours and he pays the bills and shopping plus an extra monthly allowance (£100) for me to spend on myself/going out with the kids or whatever I like.

Can you get him to put his earnings into a joint account from which to pay the bills and food. Also - if you know he's spent x amount on bluerays say - right I need to spend x amount on hair/clothes/whatever and then get him to justify why he can spend money on himself but you can't. If he puts up a fight calculate how much you are saving him in nursery fees - that should open his eyes.

At the moment, the way he's treating you is bordering on abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 13:00:35

It's not 'bordering' it is actual abuse....

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Fri 12-Oct-12 13:01:59

I don't think you can be a SAHM with this man as a husband. He sounds horrendously selfish at best and abusive at worst.

You would almost certainly be better off financially without him around.

I think if you want to continue in your marriage it has to be on the basis that you have equal disposable income and leisure time. He doesn't sound remotely mature or caring enough to countenance this though.

Sorry you are going through this op, it sounds crap.

stinkymice Fri 12-Oct-12 13:02:15

He is really out of order,so sorry. Joint bank account with equal access. Think about it this way, if you divorced you would be entitled to half, so why not while married?

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 13:02:46

I just feel trapped. My ds has just started at the school around the corner - ghe's settled in so well is really happy (plus found out yesterday he's in the "gifted & talented group" - gave me a lift must be doing something right!)

I do not love my husband - I'm not that crazy.
he pressurised me to end a pregnancy last year because we couldn't afford another child. I hate myself - why didn';t I leave him then??

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 12-Oct-12 13:05:51

Don't hate yourself, love.

Love yourself enough, and you will find the way out of this situation which is doing you so much harm.

Please give Women's Aid a call 0808 2000 247. They are there to listen to and advise women in your situation.

I am in the same position as you except my husband is not an arse. We share the small amount we seem to have left over from £30k, and I'm never left feeling worthless or like I'm not pulling my weight.

Don't blame yourself, he shouldn't be treating you like that.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Fri 12-Oct-12 13:07:01

You're not trapped. If you left he would have to pay maintenance and you would be eligible for various benefits. You would probably have more money than the pittance he currently gives you.

It might not be what you want long term, but it would give you the breathing space and independence to work out what you can do next.

Check out entitledto.co.uk. You should be able to find our roughly how much maintenance you can get too.

TheProvincialLady Fri 12-Oct-12 13:09:59

If you leave him, he will be forced to pay maintenance and you will be able to make choices about work etc based on how much time the children spend at his house. As he earns more, the amount of maintenance the children are entitled to will go up too.

The longer you are tied to this abusive, selfish piece of crap the worse you will feel about yourself and the fewer options you will have for work, housing etc. Get out now while you still have some self worth and fleece the git for everything you can get.

If I were you I would keep quiet for a couple of weeks while you gather photocopy evidence of ALL his financial incomings and outgoings, investments, pensions, savings, see a lawyer and get advice about housing and benefits. Then kick him out or leave.

LeChatRouge Fri 12-Oct-12 13:10:21

You need to stop crying and pull yourself together. You will instantly start to feel better if you take back some of the control over your life. You are a valuable and equal human being who deserves to spend her time being happy and living life to the full. You will never get this time back again, don't waste it.

Do you want to stay in a relationship with this man?
Can you see that you are not being treated fairly and do you want to change it?
Do you have supportive family you can talk to?
Do you have a friend that you can talk to?

You need to make a plan about changing this situation, it might go in stages, first, discussions with your husband to see if you can alert him, second, maybe he needs a wake-up call/to move out for a while, as you can't see a future for you in this scenario, third, is the relationship worth saving at all, fourth, what practical steps would you need to take to seperate?

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 13:12:22

The thing is on the whole I love my life. I love being with my children & don'tr mind living on a budget it's only when he's awful to me about money blaming me for us being broke I feel so down as I feel there is nothing I can do about it.
I enjoy looking after the home & seeing my beasutiful babies grow into lovely children.
I d struggle at weekends sometimes when he's around and barely interacts with them

I don't think I've got over last year either - I don't think I ever will.

Marzipanface Fri 12-Oct-12 13:14:20

What Le Chat Rouge said.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 12-Oct-12 13:14:39

You are not trapped. There are ways out.

It will be hard, and you will have to be determined because men like your H do not kindly to being left. But you are NOT trapped - truly.

Many of the women posting on this thread will have been where you are. We know how overwhelming and hopeless it seems. But I'm here to tell you that there is a better life out there for you and your DC.

DowagersHump Fri 12-Oct-12 13:15:21

Okay, so the only thing wrong in your life is that your husband is an abusive fuckwit. Leave him/kick him out and voila! your life is completely happy smile

luzluz Fri 12-Oct-12 13:16:54

This is terrible. It seems as though you are a really financially resourceful and happy Mum. If you were to leave you would manage brilliantly and not have the pressure of this abuse in your life anymore. You only have one life, it is so very short and not worth wasting on this manchild. you don't love him so I would get planning on how to leave. The kids will settle anywhere at this age and will benefit from being out of his way and being able to make noise whenever they want instead of tiptoeing around.

His salary does not make him a God - to put it in context I used to earn more than your partner (and my DH) before I had DCs and would never have treated my DH this way - we shared everything then and now.

amirah85 Fri 12-Oct-12 13:17:06

I think its not his money but you money,both of you.why would he give you a allowance for food shopping??should just have a joint account and everything goes out and in from there.you shouldn't be begging for money for your kids clothes or a haircut.(With measure obv,spending what u can afford...but that's for both of you!!)

cestlavielife Fri 12-Oct-12 13:17:20

you struggle when he is around.
he doesnt interact with the DC.

that says it all really.
ring womens aid and talk it through.

think practicaly about your options

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Fri 12-Oct-12 13:17:57

Ask him if you can get a joint account. If he says no, ask him why not. His answer tells you all you need to know.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 12-Oct-12 13:18:26

So you know you can live on a budget and love looking after your kids.
All this you can do without a nasty bully around.

You will be entitled to maintenance and benefits. You will maybe need to move to a smaller home, but won't the trade-off be worth it?

You can do it. When you're ready.

I'm so sorry to hear about your termination and how it is still affecting you now.

shock He's an abusive git, and I don't say that lightly. Finances should be joint. If he were to hire someone to do all the things you do for the family, he'd be skint. You should each have the same amount of disposable income. And with him earning that salary, little treats for you and the children are affordable. sad for you.

Chictactoe Fri 12-Oct-12 13:20:50

Dont hate yourself Op. He doesn't sound very pleasant. Systematically breaking down your self esteem via your financial situation is just horrible and very controlling.

I think you going to have to tackle this head on and set some new rules but I know how hard that is and not even sure if he will be open to it.

LeChat has some very good advice.

gettingeasier Fri 12-Oct-12 13:23:35

Yep I am here to second it

You are in a gilded cage and need to get out

I second keeping quiet and planning your escape route carefully

Sorry but I am giving you my first ever "Leave the bastard" sad

He blames you for being broke.

You get £70 per week to buy food.

He spends endless amounts on shit for himself.

But yes, its all your fault. hmm

OP you sound like an extremely intelligent, strong woman. And a fantastic mother. Your life would be so much happier without this abusive prick.

Im so sorry to hear about your termination. sad

searching4serenity Fri 12-Oct-12 13:26:09

He sounds bloody awful. He must be getting something out of behaving like this. If the situation were reversed - do you think be would put up with it? Can you talk to anyone - just to stop the loneliness if nothing else? Really feel for you OP; can you see a life in the future without him? ...

lubeybooby Fri 12-Oct-12 13:28:53

Remind the twat he can only work 'so hard' because you do the childcare and it's meant to be a partnership. That one half of a couple should not have to scrimp while the other splurges

Stand up for yourself, look down your nose disgusted at him, and don't give in! UGH I just hate this treatment being doled out, how dare he.

searching4serenity Fri 12-Oct-12 13:29:30

Just read the rest of the thread. I am so sorry about the termination. You must be very proud of your boy. Keep posting.

racingheart Fri 12-Oct-12 13:33:26

Show him your post. He has no idea what a knob he is being. Also make a list of how many hours you work, unpaid, for him and the family.

Alternatively, sit down with him and discuss you returning to work. Discuss that you should both pay into the childcare cover and to make it worth your while financially, you need to return full time. If he doesn't like the thought of this, spell out to him that he must start treating you as an adult and an equal, and appreciate your contributions, even though they are not currently financial.

By the way - this will make you stronger, long term. DH (and he is still my DH) was just like this with me, only he didn't even want me to work. He liked us barefoot and penniless at home, fully dependent on him. he had no idea how abusive he was being and how much respect and love for him I lost in that time.

But what goes around comes around. He got made redundant and can't find a new job anywhere. I got an amazing job and our roles reversed. Ashamed to say I do let him squirm from time to time and am nowhere near as even handed as I would have been if he hadn't kept me penniless for so long. But, generally we split things fairly now. He is a wonderful man in other ways. I wouldn't let money disagreements trash an otherwise strong marriage, but it is central to the health of a marriage (and an individual) long term.

Get bold Explain this is short term, necessary and it's a sacrifice you are making in order to provide your family with stability while they are small. He must not penalise you for this. Explain that every time he spends money on treats for himself, when you can't even afford necessities, he is treating you as way below him in status, and that will jeopardise your marriage. Sort out what fixed outgoings you have and split the rest down the middle. £70 pw is nowhere near enough to feed and clothe three out of four family members from an income of £44k pa.

racingheart Fri 12-Oct-12 13:34:50

Alternatively, you could buy some decent clothes for you and the kids and feed him Value beans on toast with a side order of tap water. Make him see the message. or turn up all straggly and tatty at his work and comment on how he doesn't give you enough money at the moment. Shame the man.

DuelingFanjo Fri 12-Oct-12 13:36:24

Why don't you sit down with him tonight and firstly ask for an apology about the mistake he made RE the account being overdrawn. Then tell him that you are not happy being treated like this and as he can clearly see his assumptions about the account were wrong you need to have a chat about the way you feel generally about everything.

then tell him that you understood that his income would be shared jointly until your DD is in school but at the moment you do not feel like you have fair access or right to that income.

Tell him that you need a new phone and you expect that to be sorted out through the joint income.

Tell him that at the weekends you will take it in turn to have a lie-in and that also this weekend you will be going out alone without the children to buy some things you need for yourself and he will be looking after the children.

Tell him that he will be doing an on-line shop using his account which will include the things you need for the kids and yourself.

Do you do his washing? Stop. Do you do his ironing? Stop. Tell him that you will no longer be doing these things as he is an adult and youhave two dependants that need you more.

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 13:39:28

Thread title is misleading. You are not feeling trapped and pretty worthless because you are a stay at home mum. You're feeling trapped and worthless because your partner is behaving like a controlling, selfish entitled knobhead. sad

So, what are you going to do? confused

You are not trapped, you can leave. You are not financially dependent on him anyway, you have work and people will help.

zzzzz Fri 12-Oct-12 13:40:11

Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror, and pretend just for a minute, knowing all you do about the ins and outs of your marriage, that the woman looking back at you is your daughter. Tell her what you think she should do.

You sound kind and resourceful and intelligent, time to use those skills. The very first thing you must do for your children is show them the way to treat others and what is an acceptable way to be treated. This will shape their futures.

£70 a week is difficult but not impossible. £70 a week while your husband fritters away £££s is unspeakable. He is being a jerk. Only you know if he can change that.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 13:41:56

I know my confidence is so low at the moment - I worry about finding a job to support my children - then there's balancing childcare etc . I've been out of the workplace for 2 years.
My auntie offered to have my dd one morning a week so I could help out at my ds school (she used to be a teaching assistant and thinks it would be Ideal for me in the future). But I haven't been able to bring myself to do it - just taking my DS to school & walking into the classroom - can't imagine actually working there.

It terrifies me - which I know is completely ridiculous.

I've known for a long time that the situation I'm in is wrong - it's just been easier to stay.
& the children are thriving it's only now and then that the situation hits me - today is the worst I've felt for a long time

mummyonvalium Fri 12-Oct-12 13:42:40

He sounds so selfish. £70 a week for shopping and the kids is not enough. It sounds like a long chat is overdue. The thing he should be aware of, is that it is not HIS money, it is FAMILY money. Once a person gets married the notion of having money to yourself is gone and it is not you that needs to understand this but him.

I have never said this before but you have admitted that you don't love him and in the event he is not prepared to listen to you then you would be better off leaving him.

InfiniteFairylights Fri 12-Oct-12 13:43:08

He'd have to pay you double what he gives you now, just in child maintenance, if you split up... You would be so much better off, not just financially, but emotionally and mentally too. Do you really want to stay with someone who treats not only you, but his children as second class citizens? sad

InfiniteFairylights Fri 12-Oct-12 13:44:47
cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 13:46:21

The £70 is to feed my husband too - inc a packed lunch for work (he insists on Pink Lady Apples £1.89 for 6 at Aldi) - the children & I have the funsized apples

I'm getting petty now I know!!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 12-Oct-12 13:46:39

Use that feeling, OP. It is not pleasant , but it is your wake-up call.

I really understand what you mean about being terrified of testing a teachiing assistant role. When your confidence is worn down, lots of things seem terrifying, especially anything that will prove that we are worthwhile and successful human beings.

Those awful feelings will drop away the more you regain control over your life, I guarantee it.

zzzzz Fri 12-Oct-12 13:47:56

What would happen if this god didn't get his Pink Lady apple?

naturalbaby Fri 12-Oct-12 13:48:20

You need to stop letting him speak to you like he is.
If he tells you to get a job - you already have several! (child carer, cleaner, cook, chauffeur!)

I go through our bank account details once a week, and every now and then we go through everything to see where the money is going. Dh is 'allowed' to spend a certain amount of money on his hobbies and I spend a few pounds here and there for exercise classes then a night out every now and then which is a fair balance for us.
If your DH can't do something similar then you need to work out where this is going.

DuelingFanjo Fri 12-Oct-12 13:49:01

Bollox to him if he insists on certain apples, give him what you and the children get and tell him why.

Do you want to stay in this marriage? Did he always treat you like this? What do you think will happen if you call him on his bullshit?

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 13:59:56

You need to get pissed off.

Your poor bloody kids, getting the cheapest of everything whilst dad lords it over them with his blurays and brand name apples, never mind you. They're learning they're second best and dads wants are more important than anyone else's needs.

Could you talk to a friend or family member who would bolster and support you? Could you get to the gp and tell them and get some counselling? You sound so lost and ground down, please reach out for some help irl. Best wishes

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 14:03:55

I reckon you should buy the pink lady ones and the fun size ones and you and the kids have the posh ones if you're going to get into an apple war! grin

But seriously, he can't treat you like this it is eating away at your whole existence sad

On 40k i'm sure he can afford to give you a better life than this opsad
It's not being a sahm that's making you feel trapped, it's your dp constantly lording it up over you and throwing you a measly £70 a week!

Ffs if i had just £70 a week to get the entire food shop and clothes, special expensive appes HE wants would not be on the list!

You & him are partners, his money is supposed to support you & your children.
But what he says goes, you don't have any choice in what you buy-that is wrong.

Why should HE have what HE wants, when he isn't prepared to give you some financial freedom!

This is financial abuse, do not allow this to carry on. He has responsibilites, don't let him belittle you as a sahm and drag you down emotionally.

Make a stand, don't let him control you!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 12-Oct-12 14:15:01

His behaviour is shocking.

You and your children need to leave (or to kick him out), for your children's sake.

You've shown you can live on a tight budget, and you'll get help as a single parent. Obviously it's not easy, but it won't be any harder than it is now.

Lavendersbluedillydilly1969 Fri 12-Oct-12 14:32:59

His behaviour is disgusting and abusive IMO. I stopped working 12 years ago on the birth of our first dc, my DHs working hours vary enormously week to week so was not really an option to go back unless dc put in full time childcare. His salary is paid into the joint account and is family money, that's it. Everything comes out of it, we run big purchases past each other first and always are both aware of our budget and whats available. I may not earn money but I contribute hugely to the smooth happy running of our family and home, and this allows my DH to do the job he has.
I probably won't go back to work till our youngest is at school and then will be part time as DH definitely does not want to start doing 50% of housework etc however much I earn.
I'm really sorry your DH has put you in this horrible position, he doesn't deserve you.

foolonthehill Fri 12-Oct-12 14:34:08

Eventually his behaviour will stop your lovely Dcs from being happy content and high achievers because he does not think they are worth a pink lady apple!!!!! i speak from experience.

Personally I disagree with the posters who suggest showing him the thread. this might be ok with a normal and reasonable man, but I think you may need the safety and anonymity of MN for the future...hands to hold etc as you work out what you want to do.

your H is an abusive man...he is definitely financially abusive and probably emotionally abusive (see comment on "get a job"). the result is your lack of self esteem and confidence.

This may be of interest to you www.lovemoney.com/news/debt/debt/14905/why-financial-abuse-is-domestic-violence

Women's Aid definition of Domestic violence "In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour"

you are clearly a resourceful, intelligent and capable woman who is bring her children up well and successfully. I think you would be a happy, confident resourceful, intelligent and capable woman and mother who was financially and emotionally well without your "D"H.

foolonthehill Fri 12-Oct-12 14:35:39

If he won't change then you will have to for yourself and for your DCs

anonacfr Fri 12-Oct-12 14:38:30

Next time he has a go at you about being so broke, you can start by telling him that if he's able to buy himself all those little toys then he's clearly not broke.
You, however, having to budget for you and your children, are.

And stop making him packed lunches!!!! If he starts complaining tell him that you can't afford it on your budget. He can on his though.

He is a shit.

jellybeans Fri 12-Oct-12 14:47:37

That is a really sad post sad I agree it is financial abuse. He also may know he hits a nerve with those kind of comments. This type of man would not be any better if you DID work. If you did work, he would probably just spend more on himself.

Never put down SAH or feel bad. You are providing free childcare, saving the money and enabling your OH to work. Your children will probably be grateful they had a parent at home much of the time, I loved it when my mum was home with us. There are lots of positives to it. Your OH will never have to pick up ill DC etc etc. However it does put you in a vunerable position in a paid work obsessed society and he knows it.

What i would do is not put up with that kind of abuse. I would not tolerate my kids going without etc., while OH spends on himself. I am a SAHM and have joint accounts and equal access to money. I never feel guilty about SAH. I am doing an OU degree and voluntary work though because I know i might either want or need to work at some point. I think it would be a good idea to keep your hand in some way in your job or maybe do home study etc as soon as you feel you can manage. In addition he needs a wake up call. If he carries on being an arse he will lose everything. Until that point little will change. Could you stay with someone for a while or see a counsellor?

Viviennemary Fri 12-Oct-12 14:53:41

It sounds awful. I think I would seriously think about leaving. Nobody should have to put up with this selfishness. If he has had a good payrise he should be able to buy himself something but you and the children should have got something as well. And this £70 a week for food and yet he has spent more than this on himself. Really shockingly unfair.

Lueji Fri 12-Oct-12 14:55:31

I'm getting petty now I know!!

No you're not!
FFS.
He is!

Bonsoir Fri 12-Oct-12 14:55:54

You husband is exploiting you.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 12-Oct-12 14:55:57

He wouldn't like it if you worked, because you wouldn't be reliant on him.

You don't need to be reliant on him; you are quite capable of running a home and raising children without him. He can fuck off and live in a little flat with his gadgets.

Seriously, talk to Women's Aid, CAB, whoever. Find out where you stand re rights to your home, benefits, tax credits. Leave him to his Bluerays and let him buy his own sodding Pink Apples.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Fri 12-Oct-12 15:01:41

What a selfish tool. From the way you describe it, it really does sound like a terrible position. You certainly need to stick up for yourself more, or get out of there.

If you do want to stick it out (and that's a big if) at the very least you need to sit down and agree a budget with him. Don't put up with any shit from him when doing so. This is your kids welfare as much as yours. I agree with the others who say that once bills/food etc is split up, the disposable income should be shared. Savings should also be budgeted for.

autumnmum Fri 12-Oct-12 15:03:20

i'd just like to add my support as a fellow SAHM (well I've literally just gone back to work part time after 8 years as an SAHM). You have a job - it's just that you don't recieve a salary for it. I'm sorry your H is treating you so badly. You have every right to be furious and I'd want to shove his Pink Ladies where the sun doesn't shine. FFS how old is he? Xbox games sad

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 15:03:55

You can't imagine doing that job because he has browbeaten you by treating like you're no better than the shit on his shoe. He treats you like you don't even deserve aduly shampoo or a branded apple, so how on earth can you feel like you deserve a nice job? And witholding money like that is acting like a victorian father, so you probably feel utterly inadequate too.

You sound wonderful, btw. He doesn't deserve you. My heart goes out to you over the abortion. No doubt another child might've meant he'd have to forego one less bloody DVD a month to give a tiny bit extra to the insulting pittance he deigns to bestow upon you from his throne as king of the world.

It is shocking financial abuse, and abuse in general. But what you have to see is how thisis affecting your Dc and will go on to affect them, worse and worse:

"We have to have second hand clothes and things, the cheapest food, Mummy never has any money to spend on trips and treats, however much other fun she provides. And poor old Mummy never has anything for herself, not even her own cheap shampoo. She looks scruffy and sad. She does everything for us and with us; Daddy isn't interested or engaged with us when he's at home, even when Mummy is doing everything whilst he sits around enjoying his hobbies or relaxing or swanning off with his friends. MEANWHILE, Daddy spends huge amounts of food on himself. He has the latest and best and goes out lots and has fun whenever he wants, with whoever he wants. He doesn't treat Mummy very nicely either and she's sad. We don't deserve nice things or being treated nicely. Mummy is nice, but Daddy is the one with the power and he says none of deserve anything nice except him. So perhaps Mummy is wrong. Perhaps girls aren't allowed anything and should be treated badly. Perhaps boys should always be the best, get whatever they want and not need to be nice to girls or children".

That's what your children are learning, trust me. They'll feel second best, unashamed, unworthy, unloveable. You cannot stay because your life is fine apart from him treating you like shit. A life cannot be fine if anyone is being treated like shit. And you are kidding yourself if your kids think life is fine too if you're all being treated this way. No amount of love and attention from you can make all the damage right that their father is doing, not only by denying them, but treating their mother badly. It is so damaging for a child to understand that their mother is being treated badly - and that she'll stay and allow it.

Dryjuice25 Fri 12-Oct-12 15:16:20

He expects 10% of his salary to be sufficient enough to look after all 4 of you including his luxury apples and packed lunches!!!!!

Basically you are on the breadline and living in poverty selfishly imposed by him.

After rent and bills, what else does he do with the family money? Does he gumble or engage in suchlike expensive vices or is he squirreling away to buy something like a house which would "sort of" justify the extent of his measly ways.

I agree kids that age don't require expensive stuff but do you think he will be there for them financially as they grow and likewise their financial needs......or is he going to reduce them to the level of disadvantage.

My dad had money but I'd honestly say my mother (and us dcs) didn't and we resented him for this. He used his money for prostitutes and we went without a lot. In his mind he was punishing my mother but we suffered collaterally.

Dryjuice25 Fri 12-Oct-12 15:28:24

Basically you are just a housekeeper who is conveniently there for all his needs.
He is abusive and poverty is one worst form of abuse and he is the cause of yours.

Lueji Fri 12-Oct-12 15:32:32

Basically you are just a housekeeper who is conveniently there for all his needs.
And not even getting a decent salary...

BR44 Fri 12-Oct-12 15:34:07

I don't normally post on this topic but I couldn't let this one go. It's really sad and actually quite shocking.

I am a SAHM. I gave up my job when my DS was born two years ago. I initially found it very difficult not having an income of my own and, despite the fact that my partner and I already had joint accounts for all our bills and housekeeping, I found it difficult asking for money for 'extras' like haircuts, the odd lunch out with friends etc. My partner never ever begrudged me this spending, but having to ask made me feel awkward and uncomfortable with the change in my circumstances.

Several conversations later we realised that we needed to hold ALL our income jointly and budget as a family. Okay, at the moment it's his job that supplies our income but that could easily change in the future and the point is it's OUR money and it pays for all of us. This is as important theoretically as it is practically. If you opt in to a partnership and a family you deal with the fact that you pool resources, be it financial, practical or emotional. I have no problem with my DP buying himself things without my knowledge because I know that he views his personal expenditure as part of the bigger picture, as do I.

I haven't really said anything here that other posters haven't said before me, but I just wanted to urge you to see this issue in terms of your whole relationship. This is not really about the money. To be honest your husband sounds controlling and unpleasant whereas you sound like a thoughtful, hard-working and thoroughly lovely Mum.

Oh, and yes my DP does work hard and he's often knackered at weekends. Same as me. But that doesn't mean he ignores the fact that our DS is his responsibility as much as mine and puts in the effort to share childcare and domestic crap at the weekends. I don't mean to make us sound perfect because actually we have our fair share of things we argue about too, but ultimately we are both working towards a SHARED life, in all senses. It sounds to me like you're the only one in your marriage who has any sense of what this means.

I hope you find the strength to do whatever you need to do. Your children are very lucky to have you.

Jax2218 Fri 12-Oct-12 15:34:09

I am a Sahm and I've been there when it comes to clothes, a year between haircuts and just the misery of little cash. But it was that way for my DH as well. Now things are better he gets cross with me if I don't ask him for extras as he sees it as the family income. You do a job and your saving him money in the long run.

I would be furious, iPads and iPhones do not come before your basic needs as a person. Selfish man

autumnmum Fri 12-Oct-12 15:52:27

I'd just like to add that having separate finances is not the problem here either, the problem is that your H is not a very nice man. I have never had a joint account with my DH and he pays me housekeeping every month but it's a fair amount of money to cover what I need for me and the kids. The big difference is from your situation my DH does the weekly shop (which he did before we had kids and has kept doing because he likes it - strange man). Also we have a joint credit card so I am never stranded without cash. I very rarely use it, but it is there if I need it. Every time my DH gets a pay rise I also get an equivalent increase in the money I get. It works for us.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 15:53:36

jellybeans you are right - when I went back to work after having my DC we (my DC & I) had to leave the house at 7.15 am & got home at 6.30pm - it was over an hour commute each way & I dropped my DS off on the way (DH left at 8 & got home at 6) yet I was told because all I did was "shuffle papers all day" I shouldn't expect any help. I still got in put my DS to bed & cooked dinner, cleaned up etc. Even when I worked up until a week before my due date for my DD he never helped - not even with loading the car the night before I went to work & through morning sickness etc. DD wasn't planned so this was his justification for not helping.

He keeps telling me that I should have a career like the fellow female accountants at his work - he wants me to earn at least £25k - I've never earned that amount even when I was full time!. He met me whilst I was at Uni so he expected more of me. But even back then (13 years ago) at the age of 19 I clearly told him I wasn't career minded all I'd ever wanted was a family of my own.

I waited until we were married to have a family. But if I'm honest he's always been this way. I suffered with depression on and off throughout my late teens early twenties and was just coming out of my last bad episode when he proposed. I thought it was what I'd always wanted - the beautiful wedding, children & home to make our own - I ignored my nagging doubts (he brought a plasma the week before our wedding for £1k even though he hadn't saved his half of the wedding money!)

I became stronger as a person after having my DC so am aware that his behavior is not right but I do feel trapped -
A little of "made my bed I should learn to lie in it" , worry about finances, shared custody (Christmas, Birthdays, holidays, weekends etc), coping on my own without his financial support, sense of failure - 'if only I could be strong enough I could cope' etc
I want so desperately to bring my children up with mum & dad together. & now and then I get glimmers of what it could be like - a family day out to the Castle last month was lovely and he is starting to take more interest in the DC as they get older.

Thank you so much everyone - I feel so much more calmer than this morning - it's silly but I feel less alone

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 15:56:46

You've even made me laugh - thank you!

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 15:59:32

& cry too X

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 16:04:16

I know you're right Oxfordbags - when I knew I was having a DD I questioned my DH's behavior more and have even asked him whether he'd be happy for her to end up in my situation

LeChatRouge Fri 12-Oct-12 16:10:07

Ok. So cannotthinkofausername what are you going to do?

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 16:11:17

What did he say, OP? Denied there was a 'situation' and made you feel wrong, guilty, stupid, hormonal, etc., etc.?

The not helping you when heavipy pregnant is just being a pure cunt. By refusing to help, he was potentially risking both your health. There's no excuse in the world for that. Yet another example of how he's making it very clear to you that you and his children are inferior to him in every way. A mum and dad together when one of them is abusive is far, far worse for children than having separated parents. I think you know that, though.

Btw, for a man so uninterested in children, looking after them, providing for them, etc., etc., he's remarkably good at not making sure he doesn't get you pg by accident, isn't he? Just another control mechanism, IMHO.

Tell him you'll get that 25K job when he stops being such a worthless wanker! Seriously - with no help or support from him, how on earth does he think you'd be able to manage it?! I bet all the childcare would be expected to come out of your wage.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 16:11:34

I should have said I suggested having "housekeeping" as when I first stopped working we had a joint account & he questioned every tiny transaction and the last straw was sanitary towels!

So I suggested being given cash to give myself some control back & he said we could only afford £70 a week. & if I'm honest most weeks that is enough - last week was tough because I took the DC swimming which my mum usually pays for but she is away at the moment so I got a little short hence no adult shampoo!

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 16:11:47

Awh op, you've answered your own question. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do you'll never be 'good enough' in his eyes.

It's interesting your depression started roughly the same time you met him I think.

One day out is not enough to make up fir everything eise. And it's 2012. You're the same age as me. You do not have to stay in an abusive marriage. You have at least 38 years before you're old enough to retire, it's plenty of time to have any or many careers that you want to do. You could walk away with dc and start again if you wanted smile

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 16:15:02

He earns 44k. You can afford swimming and shampoo.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 16:18:34

Oxfordbags -= how did you knwo that's what he said - blimey - he said I was being over emotional, exaggerating that the children are happy & don't go with out (which I agree with) and then "do u think u should go back to the docs for some pills"

As someone who has suffered with depression I know that I am not depressed - prob on the verge but not enough to affect my judgment that badly

handbagcrab - I suffered with depression before I met him - so he can't take the blame for that (that could be laid at my dads door and I know before anyone says it I'm playing out a repeating cycle with my own children - but my DH has never & would never hit me)

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 16:18:35

And it's not enough if you can't afford any new clothes or an occasional haircut. If all you had as a family was £70 then fair enough but you all have £70 a week when he has 500-1000 a month extra, just for him.

What does your mum think?

colditz Fri 12-Oct-12 16:19:07

Babe, your husband is horrible, and he's making your life horrible, and he's working against your efforts to give your children a nice life.

You would be better off on benefits. Which is sad, considering he is a high earner, but when you leave him he wihave to give touyou 20% of his take home pay, which is more than he gives you now.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 16:20:27

handbagcrab - his answer to that would be why didn't I ask him for the extra money - but I can't explain how he is when I do ask for anything extra - lots of huffing & questions even if it's for £2-3.

He even queries how I manage to spend £70 each week

He earns 44k and you can only afford £70 a week on food and days out.

DP lost his job so we are on benefits at the minute. Our weekly costs are £110 and that doesnt include days out. Thats us at the bare minimum.

OP, your husband is causing you and your DCs to live in poverty.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 16:22:01

my mum hates him - there's a bit of "I told u so" - she's hated him from day one

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 16:24:41

My mums advice was as long as he doesn't hit you, it's alright. This isn't good relationship advice smile I think from what I've read on here people might choose another abusive relationships but it's different kinds of abuse so they don't recognise it or think its as bad.

Would you consider asking your gp for counselling? It might help you clarify your thoughts

colditz Fri 12-Oct-12 16:25:07

Your children DO go without. They go without the same standard of living that their father insists upon, and they will grow up feeling like serfs.

I grew up eating mince while my father ate steak, and wearing second hand clothes while my father bought motorbikes, and I was so resentful. My friend lived like me, we were "the poor kids" at school, but her father WAS poor, and she adored him for sacrificing his small pleasures to pay for hers. I resented mine. Children do not stay oblivious to disparity.

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 16:25:38

That's not nice from your mum btw, sorry

CailinDana Fri 12-Oct-12 16:27:37

He queries how you spend £70 a week??? I think you're a bloody financial genius to manage to buy groceries for 4 people and get clothes, days out etc, from that tiny amount!

Do you want to leave the marriage OP?

fiventhree Fri 12-Oct-12 16:27:46

Oh OP, he questioned whether you were depressed?

Then he really is a pig. Because he was using your past depression against you, and as ammunition in your argument with him about the way you live together. It is a really snidey and gaslighty way of ensuring that you see your unhappiness as a product of your own past depression and not a a result of his selfish behaviour.

Personally, and I NEVER say this, I would get rid. My sister eventally many years on did this to her horrible h, and found that she was much better off financially- as you would be.

You could cope without him- you do anyway.

You could have alot of fun with the maintenance money, too!

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 16:28:17

handbagcrab my mum has never said if he doesn't hit you it's alright - I think that's my own twisted mindset!
She has said for a long time that his behavior is controlling - that he has always put me at the bottom of his list of priorities.

Sorry must go offline for a while - need to org dinner etc!

Pinkforever Fri 12-Oct-12 16:30:37

I am in a very similiar situation with regards to the financial circumstances of your marriage.

Like you I am a university graduate but I also made it clear to dh from pretty much our first date that being a sahm was very important to me.

I understand how hard it is to have to ask someone for money-I get given £20 max and I always get asked what I need it forangry

I have had some very good advice on here and am slowly but surely starting to take some control back.

Keep posting and keep listening....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 16:30:44

Do you know the rest of the household budget? Do you see bank statements, credit card bills, insurance policies, utility bills? Do you know how much you have in savings as a family or what pension provisions are in place? Who gets the Child Benefit or Child Tax Credits?

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 16:32:12

Sorry, I meant that was my mums relationship advice to me. And seeing as she was and is in an abusive relationship it wasn't very good but it's something I think people tell themselves.

Enjoy dinner smile

givemeaclue Fri 12-Oct-12 16:32:57

Could you suggest relationship help?

charlottehere Fri 12-Oct-12 16:33:29

What a bastard your H is. shock How dare he treat you like this. Get a job and leave the the basard. I'm angry on your behalf.

fiventhree Fri 12-Oct-12 16:35:32

Ah the huffing and puffing...yes, a real controller.

Many years ago (over 20!) my exh was a bit controlling with money, but nothing like as bad as yours. I earned more than him, yet he managed to look 'disappointed' or say he was disappointed if I spent money on things he regarded as fripperies. His whole family had issues about money, as if it was currency for something other than consumer goods.

He is just trying to control you, and if he does it woithout words then he thinks he cant be called on it. Or he cant find the words, or god knows what else.

Either way, he isnt reasonable.

FWIW, even if my now adult daughter married a man I hated and then came back home saying she had made a mistake, I would far rather give her a hug than remind her of my prior knowledge about him.

ResponsibleAdult Fri 12-Oct-12 16:37:37

This a a very sorry state of affairs. He has taken advantage of a change in circumstances, you leaving work, to belittle you. You will teach your children to share and share alike, you will teach them to care for each other, you will teach them to take it in turns. That is not the behaviour the are witnessing at home.

You have supportive family, aunts and parents, you should take their support to make you strong enough to stand up to him at home. Job promotion doesn't equal wife demotion in status. It is not up to him to tell you that you have underachieved for choosing to be a SAHM.

You were married for richer and poorer. The income is joint. You are entitled to it. He would pay more through the Child Support Agency. A good exercise in being a SAHM would be to calculate the professional cost of cleaners, £10 per hour, laundry and shirts £7 for five, packed lunches, £4 per day, childcare £depends where you live. It would cost substantially more than £70 per week. He is paying you, and treating you like an au pair.

Get the bank statements, calculate his spend vs your spend and the cost of professional support instead of you being SAHM. Tell him you are looking for work ASAP and will then need additional support in the home, at a cost of £70pw. If he cannot see that you are supposed to be in this together then you need to ask hard questions of both of you.

Finally, STOP giving him the posh apples, you are reinforcing his bad behaviour.

fiventhree Fri 12-Oct-12 16:58:45

I think we all get t a stage once, at least, of finally realising that we have enabled someone's bad behaviour.

I think if I were you I would draw up some boundaries and prepare for a discussion. And dont give in, at all. If you think he is worth it.

maleview70 Fri 12-Oct-12 17:11:16

Personally I don't know how any woman can be with a a supposed grown man who still plays computer games. How old is he?

Mayisout Fri 12-Oct-12 17:26:33

I would find out what he would pay in maintenance if you split. Am sure it will be more than he gives you now. So in theory it might be an idea to start considering going it alone.

My worry would be that as he is such a selfish man that he wouldn't willingly pay maintenance and might go to lengths to avoid it.

If your eldest DCs are only 4!!! you have decades of time to sort out a career. So I would give some serious thought to your career once the DCs are in school and make plans and start putting things in progress for then and you can leave the miserable git at the same time

maleview70 Fri 12-Oct-12 17:28:17

He would pay around £520 in maintainance.

alistron1 Fri 12-Oct-12 17:29:31

I think you should see a solicitor and find out what financial settlement you'd be entitled to in the event of a divorce.

I reckon it'd be a lot more than 70 quid a week, and you might find the knowledge empowering. You really don't have to live like this.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 12-Oct-12 17:31:55

Your children would be a hundred times better off being raised by you alone.

Having two parents is brilliant, but only if neither is an intolerable tosser.

ThePieWhoLovedMe Fri 12-Oct-12 17:52:21

Your 'DP' is a cunt. The way HE is treating you is making you feel low/worthless. Leave now - before the impact on the children is irreversible.

You will cope alone and your 'DP' will FINALLY be forced to provide for his children.

racingheart Fri 12-Oct-12 18:36:36

I disapprove of every single thing your DP has done and said to you so far, but I really wouldn't do anything rash yet, like walking out. So maybe you would get £520 in maintenance (if he paid it at all - you might be begging for it) but you'd have to pay every bill too. You'd be in more poverty (though maybe freer.)

I'd definitely do what fiventhree suggested and try to sort it out first.

Some men are really genuinely unpleasant control freaks, but some (mnany) are vile because they're allowed to get away with it/ DH had loads of symptoms of being a controlling git. I stand up to every one of them and have trained him to behave. All his good qualities (hilariously funny, loyal, romantic) have stayed but the twattery has been beaten out of him.

Be really strong. Decide what you expect from him in terms of equality and respect, demand it and stick to it. He's your husband, not your prison officer. If he loves you or cares for his family he will after a lot of huffing and puffing, listen and make amends. If he doesn't then you know it won't be a mistake to leave the marriage.

Get yourself back on your feet first though. Accept your auntie's offer. Go into that school. If you need some incentive, order Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway from the library and read it right through. That'll give you your groove back!

SoldierKatnissEverdeen Fri 12-Oct-12 18:55:17

Racing heart "but the twattery has been beaten out of him".

Hardly appropriate on a da thread! hmm

Op some good advice on here, have you any idea what you are going to do?

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 18:56:51

All too predictably on threads like this, the Op's mother says things along the lines of "you've made your bed, now lie in it", etc., but at least your mother, for whatever other faults she may or may not have, is on your side, OP. don't stay with him just because you can't bear to give her a reason to say I Told You So! Seriously though, think about that. Everything she says is right. She loves you, just like you love your children. Imagine if your DD's future husband was treating her like this - how would you react? If you'd be maddened, sad and desperate to et her free, then you need to apply that to yourself. Why aren't YOU worth saving from this shithead?!

I knew what he'd say cos these twunts seem to operate from a bloody manual. I see he went for the classic combo of shaming and "You're mental". The you're mental one is a true classic; women have been kept in their place and treated like shit for centuries through being told they are hysterical or whatever. It's all LIES. If you are depressed, it's no wonder dealing with him, but HE is the one with the mental issues, behaving like this.

I wanted to add smething important to really think about: if you were on benefits, you'd receive £71-something a week as a single person. That's before you got child benefit, your rent paid and council tax. £71 is what experts say is the absolute minimum a single adult should have to subsist on before it's technically poverty. Think on this. Your husband pays you LESS than what the government deem the minimum amount an adult can get before it's poverty.

Do you get the child benefit paid to you?i have a feeling you don't, do you? Is it because he handles all the oer finances, leave it to him, blahblah?

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 19:01:47

Sorry for use of 'husband pays you', but it's a bit like that.

suburbophobe Fri 12-Oct-12 19:02:21

You need to take back your power, it's not an overnight thing.

He has slowly and subtly undermined you.

Start with getting back your equality, money issues etc.

You can do it, you may need an outside person - counsellor? - to help you get there.

You owe your DCs and yourself so much better!

Lueji Fri 12-Oct-12 19:02:30

The important issue here is that you married, so you have effectively entered a financial partnership in equal terms. As will happen on division of assets if you split.
He doesn't have "his" salary, but salary that is for the partnership.
He has the same right of questioning your spending as you do his.

I would demand that the salary goes into a joint account and, if you want less supervision, that a set amount is divided equally into separate accounts.

JsOtherHalf Fri 12-Oct-12 19:02:37

He pressured you into ending a pregnancy last year. :-(.

anonacfr Fri 12-Oct-12 19:13:21

That is all so sad. STOP BUYING FOOD FOR HIM!!!

He is an abusive bully sad

I think you will probably find you will be much better off on your own financially. Could you go for a few days to your mum's? In the meantime if you really don't love him and don't want to be with him tell him it's Over.

My dh earns a fraction of what your husband earns, i don't earn a great deal myself (parttime and also with a degree i feel i've wasted) but we have far more money than you for food per week and i have my hair done every three months.

Get out. You can do it.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 19:38:17

Thank you everyone - I'm absolutely exhausted - glad he won't be home until late tonight (he's at Wembley watching the England match!).

A huge part of me wants to act rashly - chuck his stuff out - out him on facebook with some home truths (if you looked at his fb profile u'd think he was a family man!) but I know I need to be calm.

I need to speak to him calmly - which can be difficult as I always end up more confused after we "talk" plus he does this really frustrating thing of not looking at me when I try to talk to him about anything serious (he says that he finds it difficult) so will play on his phone etc which makes me feel pretty worthless. Plus he can't handle it if I cry - it actually makes him more horrible to me?! So I think I'm going to try and write a list of key points and come up with some possible solutions - although my brain feels ready to explode at the moment?!
I'm going to try & talk to him tomorrow evening once the DC are in bed.

I am scared of the financial repercussions of leaving & feel for the sake of my DC I should try to make this work. As I said before on the whole I love my life with the children and do catch glimmers now and then of how things could be as a family.

It has been so reassuring to hear from so many SAHMs - I often feel like a freak as we don't know any others - people are always shocked when I tell them (which I think adds fuel to my DH)

It's reassured me that just because I don't finacially contribute to the household my contribution is as valid as his.

I am so proud of our DC - they are gorgeous, intelligent, confident and happy - what more could he possibly want??
We may not live in his dream house or drive a flash car but we have so much - he just doesn't seem to be able to see it.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 19:42:14

& on a completely different note: day 2 of potty training my DD & no accidents - I don't even remind her she just goes by herself. The little things lift me!

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 20:04:20

You can't make it work and the more you try the more you'll hurt them. Leaving is much easier the smaller they are for everyone involved and men who do the things your h does, as the children grow, often try to manipulate the children to take sides against you and then you really might lose them.

Money is really not as important, yes it is important but not at important as this and on his salary you will be entitled to a good amount of child support.

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 20:06:27

And if course you contribute to the household and to him personally. If you died tomorrow what would he do with the children? He'd have to do all your work and his or pay someone else to do it for him. He couldn't have the life he has now without you.

ponygirlcurtis Fri 12-Oct-12 20:32:14

cannotthink - firstly, well done to DD on her pottyness! It's absolutely the little things, that's the wonder of kids is how much pleasure you get from such small things.

Secondly: have you had a look at how much you would get as a single mum? entitledto.com should be able to tell you roughly, if you fill it in as if you were single. Plus, you can factor in maintenance from your husband, which, if he's earning £44k/year is (an really rough estimate) about £350-400/month. Plus possibly housing benefit. You might be surprised to find that you'd be ok - and in fact may be slightly better off than you currently are with your weekly 'allowance' hmm - you'll still have to budget but can buy whatever apples you like!

I am currently a single mum - again, after being one (DS1) then marrying and having DS2. NSDH was/is financially abusive (amongst other things). I had very little monthly money of my own, he'd sometimes slip me £20 to 'go and treat myself' and I'd put it down my bra to indicate to him how his gesture made me feel but he didn't get it. We had/have so much - nice house, four gorgeous kids between us - and glimpsing the dream every so often kept me with him longer than it should. Is yours just a dream, or ever likely to happen? What would need to be done for it to match your version of the dream? Do you think it's possible?

charlearose Fri 12-Oct-12 20:42:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlearose Fri 12-Oct-12 20:44:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 20:52:44

The reason why he is more horrible when you cry is because he is a CUNT. He knows how badly he treats you and he doesn't want to have to face it, or, more importantly, do anything about it. His life is peachy keen, why should he do anything to lessen that, even if it's at the expense of his wife and kids.

As for seeing what a lovely family you have and life you could have, he never will do. Flogging a dead horse, mate. If he was capable of seeing it, he would've have done so by now and responded accordingly. You and the DC are always going to be second best, inferior, an annoyance. The fact that his FB status is Me Family Man is no surprise: he wants all the status, comfort, benefits and reputation of being a good husband and father BUT he doesn't want to do anything real towards that.

My Mum has always said that you look at what revenue each partner brings in, and money is only one form of revenue. Revenue can be positive and negative. Emotional revenue is worth far more, because if the family members are supported, loved, respected, happy, equal, etc., then nothing can work and there's no point in the other revenues coming in. Thinkof the revenue you bring in: being a loving and supporting wife, being a wonderful, adoring mother who is truly active and involved in her children's lives, running the home, creating a harmonious, pleasant, respectful environment for everyone. All massive positives. He donates in an offensively tiny amount of monetary revenue and a whole shedload of negative revenue. You contribute far more to the family and home than he does.

Don't worry about money if (when, please!) you leave him - even on benefits, you will get far more than you do now, plus he will have to give you maintenance and any proceeds from the sale of the marital home, etc. Plus, you will be free and not treated like some subhuman skivvy whose presence is to be merely tolerated and your precious DC as irritants who don't even deserve apples as nice as their father's.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 20:53:13

My phones just started working again (thank god!) just recieved a barrage of messages he's sent through the day - tomorrow is going to be awful. He's basically saying that he's sold loads of stuff & traded things in to pay fro the things he has brought. That the Iphone 5 is on contract, the laptop he is paying off each month, that he has sold games to pay for the new ones etc - I wouldn't have a clue of this as there isn't a apaper trail.

Plus am I being unreasonable to think that they are not just his belongings to sell and then spend money on himself. I mean he owns an awful lot of stuff - expensive cameras - cupboards full of blue rays and games. |Xbox, Playstation, Vita thing (which I know was expensive), Ipad - I'm a complete techno phobe so don't understand about half the stuff that gets delivered.

I on the other hand own nothing of value except my phone which I think he brought me out of guilt - I didn't ask for it - it's a Samsung Galaxy & my lifeline to the outside world and boy does he know that!

What I'm trying to say is shouldn't any money he makes be ours - the families???? There shouldn't be the contiunal his bonus, his things. Especially when the children and I don't have anything of value we can sell.

(I do sell the childrens old clothes and toys on fb to then buy new ones secondhand off fb) but it's hardly the same thing.

I can tell by the texts that he's angry

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 20:55:06

Plus he has also said that he has cancelled paper statements as he's "not enduring my baseless accusations each month" - I'm not an idiot that doesn't make sense at all!!

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 20:56:32

Plus he has also said that he is cancelling the trips via his work to see the fireworks next month with the children and to see Father Christmas in December as "our marriage is obviously dead" so he is "going to withdraw from me completely"

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 20:58:18

Oxfordbags you make me cry sad because I know what your saying is true

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 21:06:19

& all this whilst he happuily posts pics on FB of being in the front row at Wembley.

Whilst I've been in a mess all day.

& I know what will happen when he's back tomorrow. He'll blank me, ignore me, refuse to talk to me (may be a few snide comments) it will last for days - because usually after a few days I give in - offer him a cup of tea or something & it's all just forgotten.

I know thats an insane way to live. But that's all I've ever known - he was my first boyfriend.

cashmere Fri 12-Oct-12 21:07:59

What an awful man. I'd use the next hour to gather evidence. Access bills you can now and take photos of them on your phone (assume you can't photocopy them). Also email yourselves summaries of his spending over the last few months so he can't confuse you/twist it later.

I'd view your relationship as one YOU are starting to end. You deserve much better than him.

DowagersHump Fri 12-Oct-12 21:08:20

Oh darling sad He is being so cruel, not just to you but to your beloved children. They deserve so much better and so do you. I am so sad reading your posts and absolutely furious on your behalf.

OxfordBags' post is brilliant. He is an utter cunt and he doesn't deserve to even lick your shoes. Your children sound absolutely brilliant and that's down to you. They're doing well because you're protecting them from him. But you're a person, not a flak jacket and if you don't get out, then eventually there won't be much left of you to protect them.

Please, please pick up the phone to WA as soon as you have time to do so: 0808 2000 247. You can escape from this and give you and your children the happy lives you so richly deserve.

There is loads of advice on here about prepping to leave. If you decide you want to, you will get a whole load of support.

Sending you a massive hug x

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 21:10:23

Surely if I stick to the facts tomorrow he can't confuse me:
- I'm given £70 a week
- he spends an extrodinary amount of money on himself when compared the the children and I. It doesn't matter that they are too young to need expensive gadgets etc but that money could go on days out or put away for their future, help pay off the mortgage which he always moans about??

It cannot be fair that approx (I have to be approx as I don't have access to online accounts just know what the children & I spend) 90% of our disposable income is spent on him????

ponygirlcurtis Fri 12-Oct-12 21:10:28

cannotthink - you do know he's being like this because you've hit the nail on the head, not because he's got a legitimate reason to be irritated at what you're saying and asking for, don't you? If he was interested in have a normal discussion that's what would be happening, not all these threats to make your life worse.

You can either go along with what you usually do, and end up with the same outcome, or you can do something different. I know that seems terrifying and alien right now, but think about it. We're here to help you through it.

DixieD Fri 12-Oct-12 21:12:03

Look love he is a dick. You've challenged him and he is coming at you hard because he knows he is in the wrong. He is trying to make you STFU and get back in your box. He is hitting you were it hurts by punishing the kids for you having the audacity to question him. He knows the kids are your priority and is hoping this will make you back off.
You can back down and nothing will change except he will hold you in even more contempt than he does now. Or you can stand up for yourself. Tell him that his threats to punish the kids show him for what he is. That you know you are entitled to and deserve more than what you are getting. That you want a serious conversation and not bully boy tactics or you will be seeking professional advice on your situation. Tell him you've already been advised that he'd have to pay twice what he does now in maintenance so you'd be better off financially kicking him out.
I would contact Woman's Aid anyway tbh, it's hard to see the wood for the trees and they will be able to tell you what you are entitled to.
I am an accountant and let me tell you, to a man the male accountants I know lie to view themselves as upstanding pillars of society. Threatening to expose his behaviour may well bring him to his senses.

Dozer Fri 12-Oct-12 21:12:23

Am so sorry you're in this situation.

Rather than confronting him immediately and having to deal with his (unjustified) anger, could you placate things until you can get advice from Women's Aid, benefits people or other organisations that can advise you? Do stuff on the quiet, gather strength, make plans.

He sounds horrible and unlikely to change sad angry.

DixieD Fri 12-Oct-12 21:14:17

Like not lie

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 21:14:26

I'm going to list everything I know he has brought over past couple of months & google the cost

Shagmundfreud Fri 12-Oct-12 21:16:32

OP - is your Child Benefit paid to your or your DH?

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 21:17:35

Cry, Cannotthink, let yourself feel the injustice and the unfairness and awfulness of it all. Stop denying it and justifying it and let yourself feel it. You cannot truly act and do what's best and right until you feel it and acknowledge it, however hard it feels <throws arms around OP>

You can tell he's angry. I can tell he is shitting himself. Look at him, the big baby, throwing his toys out of the pram because you have the audacity to rewuest to be treated as an equal, like a normal wife and partner. He knows something has changed in you and you are not going to tolerate his shit for much longer and he is running scared. Don't let him shut you up with his shaming language, it is the language of the bully who is scared and on the back foot because he's been caught out.

Is he trying to day that he can onoy afford these ancy things because he sells other, older fancy things to pay for them? Because the logical question is, why then, buy the fancy things in the first place? Why not limit himself to £70 a week too (in fact less, as he doesn't shop for you or the Dc out of the cash he keeps for himself)? And the other obvious thing to point out is that whilst he's whining about selling expensive gadgets to buy other gadgets, you have to sell your Dc's secondhand clothes to buy them bigger secondhand clothes, that is fucked-up. He's trying to sound like he's some big martyr by selling this stuff, but all it shows that is so immature, egotistical and convinced of his superiority and right to have bigger and better than others, even his own DC, that he thinks this sounds like the actions of a nice man. It does not, it sounds like whining, teenage lies to get Mum off his back. I bet it's all lies about selling stuff anyway!

As for saying he's not going to do those treats with the kids because of your relationship, well, he's showing his true colours, isn't he? Pathetic, uncaring, weak, immature, trying to blackmail you into saying sorry, etc. He knows how much you'll sacrifice for your kids - because he forces you to! - and is banking on you crumbling at the idea of them going without and giving in so you can sacrifice for them once more. What sort of cunt would do that to his own kids?! Call his bluff and say fine, we won't go. There are plenty of free events to go to, and their lives won't end if they go to slightly less glam events, or indeed, none at all for one year.

He's showing who he truly is. Let the scales fall off your eyes and see him and keep seeing him. Not nice, is he? Not deserving of you and your DC, is he?

I wish I could really give you a big hug. You sound amazing. Well done on the potty training.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 21:19:37

Sorry for the typos, am fuming on your behalf!

colditz Fri 12-Oct-12 21:22:42

This is not fair, you have tried harder than is reasonable to make this marriage work, and its not working because your husband does not treat you the way a husband should treat his wife, and this is simply because he doesn't want to. No more, no less. He treats you and the children badly because he can, and because it suits him. Your feelings are not as important to him as his wants are, your needs come second to his wish to have shiny things, and if he loved your children he would want them to have more than poverty.

I suspect he's going to call you mercenary .... But you're not.

I just had a conversation with my dp about this thread. He doesn't live with me and never has. But I asked him if he had several grand in the bank and I needed shampoo, would he buy me some shampoo? He looked at me like I had gone mental, because it really wouldn't occur to him to make me miserable by leaving me to go without. And he is not even financially responsible for me or my children!

But this is quite normal. If I ask him if I can have some change, he hands me some change, he doesn't ask why, or what for, he just asks if its enough. It's reciprocal, he can do the same to me.

That is love. What you have is an unpaid housekeeping arrangement. You'd be better off as an au pair.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 21:23:22

ok I need to calm down again!
He's staying out tonight so I won't see him until the morning plus the children are around - so I'll take them out in the morning (looks like sunshine tomorrow!).

I can't talk to him until their in bed tomorrow evening so I've got time to gather my thoughts (yeah right!)

Does someone have a crystal ball please to help me make a decision????
I'm going to go to bed (house is a mess but I'll tackle it in the morning) & try to sleep.

Thank you everyone - I was always a bit cynical about message boards - but you've really helped me today

I would confide in friends & family but most hate him so much that before I've barely opened my mouth they'll be a barrage of negativity - that's why I've really valued your outside opinion

colditz Fri 12-Oct-12 21:25:11

And please go and visit your mum with the children for a few days. Don't hover round the house trying to placate this horrible selfish man.

DixieD Fri 12-Oct-12 21:26:45

I have a crystal ball. It says you should kick the fucker out!

DixieD Fri 12-Oct-12 21:27:37

Listen to your family and friends. They are right.

Dozer Fri 12-Oct-12 21:30:13

Your friends and family are negative and dislike him for good reasons, maybe they can help.

Hope you can get some rest.

LeChatRouge Fri 12-Oct-12 21:31:26

Can you get out and go and stay with family this weekend? Why should you be treated like that tomorrow? If I were you, I'd put my babies in the car and go now. Not as a lesson/warning to him, but a head space for you to think about practical solutions over the next few months. You already know he is going to be moody and behave appallingly this weekend, why let yourself be there and your children witness this behaviour?

I repeat my question from earlier as I haven't noticed a clear thought process from you....what are you going to do next? You seem to be thinking about gathering evidence, having futile discussions will NOT change him, this weekend, next week or ever. The only thing you can change about this situation is how you react to the patterns of behaviour, it's time to break the cycle. Be strong, be brave. You do have the strength to do this.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 21:31:38

Oxfordbags can I become you for tomorrow - you just make sense - whereas I always end up going around in circles & confused - I need you on my shoulder reminding me of things!

see that sentance didn't make sense! I'm tired need sleep sad
DC will be up at 6!

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 21:34:28

LeChatRouge I know you are right - I suppose I'm not letting myself think that far ahead - when I know I should.

I still have the doubts, still want the family life so desperately still tell myself I just need to be stronger to make it work. Or get through to him some how - if only he could see etc etc

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 21:37:12

I don't need a crystal ball to tell you this: all your family and friends think he is a bastard. Every single poster on here thinks he is a bastard. Deep down, you know he is a bastard. Only you can make a decision, but do it knowing you have a huge wealth of support, here and, more importantly, in RL. Many women who are treated this way don't have anyone to turn to. Don't be proud, let them love you and support you. After being with this wanker for so long, that might even feel odd, but let them. As he's your first ever love, I bet he's been shaping with this subtle abuse all your time together. Did you know that you're more likely to be abused in a relationship with your fist ever boyfriend than at any other time? Part of that is because he will have been young and selfish and immature, etc., and isn't ready to be an equal partner. But that's no excuse now - and the bigger part of that above reason will be because he is a nasty cunt who doesn't deserve you.

ponygirlcurtis Fri 12-Oct-12 21:38:06

I don't have a crystal ball (if only...). But I do know that, for you, this cannot go on as it is now that you've taken this step and admitted that you're unhappy with the financial status quo.

Go to bed and rest, I can imagine that your head is whirling right now. And in the morning, come back and read all your posts (and the others) again - because you may be tempted to minimise and say no, I'm just over-reacting. You aren't.

So he went to watch the football and now he's staying out all night? Turn off your phone.

I would pack a few bits and go and stay with a friend or family tomorrow for a few days. Don't allow this man to bully you for one moment longer. I know it must be very hard as he is the only man you have known but i think not being ar ound to be his emotional punchbag might actually do some good. I don't think he will be any place to listen to you because it's all about him. When was the last time he treated you or the children? Made you feel good about yourself? With his gadgets and his staying out he's behaving like a young single man.
You separating from him for a while might make him start realising what he stands to lose and it might also give you the strength and confidence to realise you really don't need a man who is supposed to be your own husband treating you with such disrespect and contempt.

I can't believe a father would deprive his own kids of seeing Father Christmas just to spite you because you've spoken out.

LeChatRouge Fri 12-Oct-12 21:38:45

He will NEVER change. He is never going to wake up and think differently. The way he behaves is how he is. The way he treats you is what you get with this individual. Nothing you do or say or show him or tell him will make him change. Never. Ever.

If you stay, this is the life you get with him. If you leave, you get a new path to follow. The choice is yours to make.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 21:43:07

You don't want to become me, trust me! The only reason I can make sense is cos I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship (with some mild financial abuse too), so I speak from experience. These arseholes follow such a typical pattern that you can laugh about it after a while (bitterly and hollowly!). Luckily I didn't have Dc with him. My DH now is wonderful, the opposite of everything that git did and was. Life can and will get better and better when you get free of abuse.

You have done more than most women would be willing or capable to do to make things work and I am awed by your strength. The work that needs to be done is all on his side and you know, you surely know he will never do it. Well, no doubt he'll promise if and when you tell him to slig his hook. If he thought you and the Dc were worth it, he'd have done it already.

Sleep and feel better and clearer in the morning. I will be here to remind you he's a twat! grin

Hope tomorrow goes well for you, everyone deserves respect and to be happy in a relationship. Be proud that you're a good parent, it's the most important job in the world (and well done on the potty training, we start on Sunday).

Mayisout Fri 12-Oct-12 21:55:08

Can I just say that I don't think there is any point in having this 'conversation' with him. You sound anxious about it. So I would not even speak to him. Instead do as advised above and collect all evidence of how much money there is, bank statments etc, contact the help advised above and start preparing for separation.

He sounds v cruel and trying to reason with him or explain why you are leaving or anything is pointless and will cause you stress and give him an opportunity to be nasty.

JessePinkman Fri 12-Oct-12 22:03:45

I have read the whole thread and been thinking about it all day.

I do agree with all the above posters, he sounds worse than awful.

What was he like when he earnt 22k and you 7k? Just for my interest.

I do agree with the above that if you left you would be better off. My mind boggles at how a man could be so mean to his family. Best wishes to you and your lovely dcs.

cashmere Fri 12-Oct-12 22:04:13

I also have an abusive ex and current DH who is the opposite. That's what makes reading your posts so upsetting. There is a better life out there for you (with or without a better man).

To put into perspective- I'm very pregnant and tired. DH has been at work today (out of house 7.30-6.00).
Since he has got in he has- done some drawing with us at the kitchen table, got changed out of work clothes, taken 2yr old to supermarket to get a few essentials (checking if I want anything), returned with a magazine for me (not asked for), put DS to bed, theb collected a takeaway.

Tomorrow he is taking DS for a long walk so I can rest. He offered to do this I didn't have to ask.
We're a team so whilst I'm pregnant and struggling with OUR child so he picks up the slack.
Can hear him now scraping plates in the kitchen!

You on the otherhand are treated like the domestic help. I don't think he'll change either. By all means go away for a weekend but do it for yourself not with the hope if getting through to him. I did this about 4 times- it made NO difference to his behaviour but was time for me in a healthier environment.

Well done on potty training too- I'm starting in a couple weeks too.

Flumpyflumps Fri 12-Oct-12 22:07:08

OP please please update in a.m so we know you got some rest.

Agree take kids to mums or similar for weekend, just go first thing and don't even tell him.

Calm and quietly gather as much as you can.

Galaxy a good phone to snap pics of bank statements.

Good luck, I'm so fucking angry on your behalf.

KNOW this is NOT about an iPad or Xbox. This is about him thinking he is king of the fucking world. And he is not.

Xxxx

nametakenagain Fri 12-Oct-12 22:16:30

Talk to him, it sounds as if he may not not have cottoned on to the implications of his behaviour. He's had a big jump in income recently and it doesn't sound as if he 's adjusted to that, practically or emotionally.

I think he may need to be reminded of how much shopping costs. And definitely get a joint account!

He hasnt cottoned on?

Hes an accountant fgs. Ofcourse he has cottoned on.

And money has nothing to do with not spending time with your kids or forcing your wife to have a termination.

nametakenagain Fri 12-Oct-12 22:20:01

Talk to him, it sounds as if he may not not have cottoned on to the implications of his behaviour. He's had a big jump in income recently and it doesn't sound as if he 's adjusted to that, practically or emotionally.

I think he may need to be reminded of how much shopping costs. definitely get a joint account. You should also get a lie-in one dayof the weekend. You could be kind and let him pick which day he prefers.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 22:20:22

None of that excuses his behaviour, nametaken. Your post reads like he's a great guy who is just being a little bit tight without realising. And it really is not like that. If only this was just about getting a joint account!

cashmere Fri 12-Oct-12 22:21:04

I think OP has broached this with him... he took it out on his kids and cancelled trip to see Santa FFS

nametakenagain Fri 12-Oct-12 22:34:42

Am reading between the lines, of course, and am not excusing the selfishness or the drama, or nastiness. But my feeling is that the dh is being demonised which is not helpful for the op.

Couldn't if this particular individual has potential to turn this around, op is the better judge.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 23:03:29

ok - can't sleep!
I didn;t reply to angry texts - but now the apology texts have started - and him asking me to reassure him about our future - my only response has been to point out that am I only worthy of a text - not a phone call or face to face conv? Does he expect to make it all better via a couple of texts so that he can act like its all ok tomorrow?
His response - he wants to talk & sort this out tomorrow.

i grew up in an abusive environment - physical & emotional. Am I, have I, put these issues into this relationship? Seen things in a squewed way? Maybe nametaken is right??
Am I "playing the role of a victim" the role I grew up with which has caused these problems.
I'm not naturally someone who demands more. I always put others before myself but then I reach breaking point and snap like today. have I played the martytr??
Is this my fault?
Excuse the classic victim statment "is this my fault"

I'm so confused so messed up.

Just to clarrify a few things
when he was on £22k & I on £7k there were similar issues but I had my own income. he would pay mortgage, car loan etc. I would pay council tax, water bills and food shopping

He didn't force me to have a termination. he didnt drag me there - I walked in on my own accord. He did say we couldn't afford the baby and for the sake of our family I couldn't keep the baby. I did say i wanted to keep the baby but I wasn't forceful enough - I know I should have argued my corner more - pushed questions about finances etc.

It's so difficult to explain it all on here. This has always been an unhappy relationship - from the very start - but I was only 19 - not long out of my family situation and dealing with my own issues. I have to take some resposnibility for the pattern this relationship has taken.
I so desperatley wanted to be loved would have done anything for him - it is probably a less destructive relationship now than it was then - it was pretty awful - I definatley changed when had DC particularly DD.

Oh jesus - now I feel guilty for dragging everyone in to this mess - when I can't even fully explain the situation

ThePieWhoLovedMe Fri 12-Oct-12 23:04:35

I think you already know what to do.

DowagersHump Fri 12-Oct-12 23:17:02

Don't feel guilty! People on here care about you because you sound lovely but you don't owe us a thing smile

I think you know what to do too. You have gone straight from an abusive family into an abusive marriage. But you're recognising that this isn't okay and that's bloody brilliant because it means you're healing.

Picture your life without him in it. Don't think about the finances, just imagine what your life could be like without all this stress. You don't need him. He's freaking out because he's realising you've realised that. You're taking good steps, keep on going.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 23:18:08

but then I'm not imagining the financial situation- & I have queried the money situation numerous times over the past year & how he leads a different life to us - its not a new revelation to him just the first time I've had paper proof

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 23:21:44

Stop panicking. The only thing you said that matters right now is that you have never been happy. Everything else, all the rest just let it melt away. It does not matter, the analysis can wait. You have never been happy. This is your fear of ending the "devil" you know situation, that's all. 6 years on, 4 years married to lovely dh I still have ridiculous self doubt like this. You are right to say it is because of being abused. You are wrong to say that this means you have to take some responsibility.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 23:24:03

sorry rambling again

cannotthinkofausername Fri 12-Oct-12 23:28:35

wrote that before I read your message offred - thank you

DowagersHump Fri 12-Oct-12 23:33:48

I meant that if it is lack of money that is making you worry about leaving, I don't think you should worry about that. You can cope brilliantly with fuck all. You are being given less to live on than I did when I was on income support with only one child.

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 23:34:49

You aren't imagining it, it is hard to see objectively from inside. How things are is not right. You don't need to think through the whys yet. You could get some support from women's aid, that would be a good plan, but thinking through things too much now is just tying yourself in knots. It isn't right and you are not happy and you want to be away from him but you are understandably afraid of what else is out there.

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 23:38:13

Love even if you were the most horrible, nasty wife in the whole world, why punish the children? How could they have a victim complex or be a martyr or have brought it on themselves?

Would a good man splurge on a vita (which is a very new gadget) and England tickets when his children never have new clothes or uncheap food to eat? Would a good man threaten to cancel christmas because his wife pointed out that 10% of the family's income is not enough to feed and clothe 75% of the family?

You could say that your childhood has conditioned you to take abuse so you put up with more abuse and for a longer time than others because that's what you know. But that's just sad and angry making on your behalf, not because of you and how you are.

I think some posters try to play 'devils advocate' and they do it in such a clumsy and obvious way it's laughable to people outside the situation. But when you are in an abusive situation or you have been conditioned to be abused you constantly question yourself and you think other people's thoughts, opinions and feelings carry more weight than your own.

If you want to have it out with him you need to be assertive and you need to know what you want. Being a bit more generous sometimes is not a killer bargain. You could say you want 75% of family income after bills for you and two dc. If he wants you to continue buying his lunches then you'll need more to cover his food bill too. I think this is reasonable considering you are a family unit.

OP it feels a bit like you are doubting yourself because he has apologised and wants to sort it tomorrow.

Please dont fall into thinking he has finally got it and will change. Hes just trying to sweeten you up again to stop you questioning.

You are the only one who knows your husband. So if you think talking to him and addressing the inequality head on will help, do it.

But go into the conversation with the firm belief that you are not making this up and you are not to blame. Dont let him twist your words or turn it onto you. Stay strong!

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 23:38:42

If it helps whatever is out there cannot be as bad as this. There are opportunities outside this miserable life for you and your children most people aren't abusers. You can be and deserve to be happy and you might need some support to unpick negative patterns but I think you'd be surprised how much easier things are if you did leave.

Offred Fri 12-Oct-12 23:41:09

And if you choose to stay women's aid would help support that too but whatever you do make sure it is a choice and not just a fear reaction.

Also, if you do choose to stay, dont ever feel like you cant come on here asking for more support and advice. I know a lot of people feel like that.

The support is here no matter what choice you make. We will not blame you for staying.

gingerpig Fri 12-Oct-12 23:50:35

please don't back down now. his nasty 'I will hurt you' texts followed by 'please don't leave me' texts (when he got no response to the nasty) are all part of the cycle. you must be strong and start looking forward towards a different future.

doing what you've been doing for the past X years hasn't changed him into a decent man. time to start doing something different, for yourself and your children.

Lueji Sat 13-Oct-12 01:02:11

In fact, he should be worried about you leaving, because he will have less money at his disposal, and nobody to take care of the home for him, nor the children with whom he'll actually be expected to spend time with.

To be fair, it might not be 90% for him, personally, as he's probably paying mortgage, domestic bills, etc.
But, CB and tax credits will be with him too, right?

autumnmum Sat 13-Oct-12 08:58:19

Morning OP - hope you had a good nights sleep and your head feels a bit clearer this morning. I've just re-read your opening post and it's made me wonder if there is debt you don't know about? The fact your H gives you cash and has bank stuff sent to work reminds me very much of a friend who is in a similar situation. It turned out her H had run up a big overdraft on a bank account she didn't know about. Do you have access to enough financial info to work out how much your bills are each month? From that you should be able to work out how much disposable income there should be.

Good luck - remember you are doing a very valuable job raising your kids, especially given the circumstances you are having to do it in. The vast majority of people recognise the importance of what you are doing, it's a pity your H isn't one of them.

DixieD Sat 13-Oct-12 10:24:12

Ok he's being conciliatory now because the bullying didn't work. Well done on ignoring by the way. Now he is going for damage limitation. He will probably offer you some sop now. An increase of your 'allowance' to maybe £100 a week and expect you to shut up and get one with things.
Don't fall for this. Be clear that the imbalance in your relationship has to end. Anything less them equal access to and say I how money is spent is unacceptable. Don't bother getting in to the detail of what he has spent, he will just bog you down in the individual purchases. What is relevant is he has control of all the finances. You have access to 70 a week and he has all the rest. This is unfair.
TBH I very much doubt that he will agree to joint arrangements. You need to be prepared to accept there may only be a slight improvement and that it will probably be temporary. Your problems are also greater that the money. His lack of interest in the kids and respect for you is a huge cause for concern. Equality needs to spread into his contribution to childcare and housework as well. His attitude is that he is the most important person on your house. And I don't know if that will ever change. I know you want to give him a chance to change so try of you must but you should be clear to him that his options or change or its over. You need to consider alternatives and that you all would be better off without him

racingheart Sat 13-Oct-12 11:22:59

soldierkatnisseverdeen - in reply to your comment upthread: so sorry. You are quite right. That was a lousy word, and I even tried to find another one. I didn't mean it physically at all. I meant it light heartedly - not nagged, but sort of jollied out of him. In my defense I have a stinking cold and wasn't thinking clearly, but you're right. Bad use of wrong word. Sorry.

ATourchOfInsanity Sat 13-Oct-12 11:35:34

As a single mum myself - OP it sounds as though you are too, already. You do everything around the house and DIY. He gives you an allowance, to do everything include feed him and the kids? Honestly? This is not what a married life should be about. It sounds more like my life living on CSA payments, only I don't have to tiptoe about some lazy man getting a lie in after spending every evening gaming and watching footy probably making a mess at the same time for you to tidy up

I would get out and do it alone, reducing your workload and stress by half. You don't sound like you would be loosing anything that way, but gaining freedom and probably more money per week.

Lovely - you could have your talk and see where it gets you. You could ask him why he bullies you financially and emotionally and why he thinks it's fine to cancel a trip for his kids but spend hundreds on speakers?
But i really think the termination would be making me want some time apart. I think you need to do that, away from him.

You say the relationship has never been much good, you were very young when you met and you had come straight out of an abusive family. I think that means you have probably put up with all this for longer than you had to, a fact he is using to his advantage. You are not a victim. Your mum will be there to support you i hope, ignore the 'i told you so's', i'm sure she has made mistakes in the past and will probably be glad you are away from him. When your family and the people you know are all united in their dislike of your partner it's usually because they know he's not worthy of you.

I'm not demonising him. But i do think some time apart is a good thing. You have a lot of thinking to do. Being on your own will not be as scary as you think.

charlearose Sat 13-Oct-12 14:57:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rascal79 Sat 13-Oct-12 17:17:29

Hope everything is OK OP. Have you talked to him?

Phineyj Sat 13-Oct-12 17:29:52

Oh dear autumnmum now I am worrying there might be a debt in this picture too. Your comments reminded me of the ex of a neighbour - he was very secretive about money and statements and so on - she discovered he had remortgaged the house to pay gambling debts without her knowledge. Needless to say, they divorced and she is now happily married to someone else (whom her DS from the gambling ex adores).

Ladylou83 Sat 13-Oct-12 20:59:44

Just read the whole thread. You are clearly a wonderful person and mum. I really hope if you did talk with him tonight that the outcome is right for you and your dc

GeekLove Sat 13-Oct-12 21:58:47

would I be right in assuming he was brought up to believe that the man is the leader of the household as that is what he looks like. He does not see you as a full human being more a childcare and maintence droid with sex receptacles. You planning on leaving means his maintenance droid will go offline!
He is being nice because he cannot stand the horror of dirty pants, dishes and DIY jobs to do.

BadLad Sun 14-Oct-12 04:24:21

If you stay with him, don't accept the offer of an increase in your allowance. I would insist on the idea of an allowance being kicked into touch completely.

Marriages need a financial system that both partners think is fair. My advice is to work out what your outgoings are. Bills, food, swimming, essentials (it's awful that you can't buy shampoo) and savings, if possible.

Then deduct that from what he brings in, and the rest is divided 50/50.

It might need another bank account or two to be opened.

Even if he is trading in his old games for new ones, if your financial position is precarious enough to be skimping on shampoo and relying on your mother to pay for swimming, then he should be selling them off, rather than trading them in.

Mayisout Sun 14-Oct-12 06:47:34

he wants to talk & sort this out tomorrow
,
If he thinks he can sort it out with one discussion and if he doesn't acknowledge that you are very unhappy I think a physical break (which others have recommended on other threads to posters in similar positions) ie move to your mum's or something, is the initial answer. Then you can think straight away from the stress he causes and you will speak to him in a week or so or when you are feeling more up to it. (and don't read his texts)

I was a SAHM and we had joint accounts, credit cards everything. And I had the hardest job by a long shot.

feelingafailure Sun 14-Oct-12 07:09:41

please think of yourself.He sounds like a selfish pratt.I expect he likes the house tidy and clean clothes all the time.He sounds like a bully and control freak.Its emotional abuse as well.Poor kiddies they wont be kiddies for long.One of my favorite sayings is treat people how you would like to be treated.NOT A SELFISH PIG.hE NEEDS TO BE PUT IN HIS PLACE.

Fizzylemonade Sun 14-Oct-12 07:34:11

De-lurking to post and I hope that you are okay.

You have been given some amazing advice already so I'll just tell you my situation. I became a SAHM 8 years ago when Ds1 was 16 months old. We relocated with Dh's job and after a couple of months of unpacking the house and getting Christmas out of the way we realised that on Dh's increased salary we were doing fine.

We have a joint bank account and I have a credit card in Dh's name that I use to buy everything on, food, clothes, petrol, whatever I need. That gets paid off as an automatic payment every month from the joint account.

My child benefit gets paid into my own account and I withdraw that as cash and that is used to pay for the window cleaner, takeaway once every couple of weeks and any coffees out I have in the day. It is used by both of us, he just takes it from my bag and tells me he has done it. It is just part of our money.

Both my children are in school, Ds2 is 6, I am still not working and because of this Dh has progressed his career and his salary has massively increased. I do not feel like his personal servant, yes I do all the housework apart from clear down the kitchen at night but then I don't have children with me in the day. I don't feel put upon, or miserable or unappreciated.

My phone is also a Samsung Galaxy ii and is on contract in my name. So any problems, I can deal with it. It doesn't matter that I don't have a salary, I have had contract phones for about 5 years.

You shouldn't be "given" housekeeping money, this isn't the 1950's you should have access to the money wherever that may be and he should understand that you are an adult and can limit your spending. Any large purchases get discussed beforehand just so you don't both do it and your account goes overdrawn. I am never given an amount to stick to.

I truly hope that you can get your life the way you want it to be, whatever that may be.

gettingeasier Sun 14-Oct-12 08:17:16

What badlad said.

Although I do think its much more than being about the money and unlike racing I dont think there is any point trying to re educate your DH into being a good man.

I am a single mum OP and its just so much nicer than being in a horrible marriage

Astelia Sun 14-Oct-12 08:44:50

Also de-lurking to say this is an awful situation, and needs sorting out. I hope you find the strength to take action.

Your mum sounds a forthright type- could she help you fight this battle to get joint finances?

rhondajean Sun 14-Oct-12 09:23:47

Hi op I hope you are ok.

I don't think anyone has posted figures yet.

44k a year is £2,676.40 in your hand per month. Assuming no pension contributions.

Which leaves him just under £2400 per month after he gives you your money.

If you have had access to bank statements, you will have a rough idea how much mortgage, council tax, loans etc are and what is left over.

Even if the entire lot was going on bills (which it blatantly isn't in this case) the ATTITUDE he has is awful, just awful. I hope you are feeling strong. X

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 06:06:48

everyone was right. I was the mug who tried to make it work - took the higher allowance & promises. then found out tonight there is another woman/girl - I've heard him beg & apologise all night. his argument that its only flirting he hasn't actually cheated. we slept together last night then today he told this girl how much he wanted to sleep with her 'that he wished he had tried harder last time" , told her he was booking a restaurant for Dec 28th. was leaving me in the ny as his mother-in-law had given us a house it(lies).
feel so sick.

oh well& in the middle of this testing conversation called me yo check by had fixed our internet!

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 06:24:30

texting conversation called me to check whether bt had fixed the internet today

BookieMonster Fri 14-Dec-12 06:27:33

Kick him out and thank your stars for the escape.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 06:28:37

my entire adult life a lie a joke.

BookieMonster Fri 14-Dec-12 06:31:20

Your life is not a joke. You just happen to be married to a dickhead and that can be remedied .

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 06:34:09

had tge classic "its him not me" but still begging to stay??

I think he's just scared that I could blow away his "nice guy family image" with actual written proof - somethibg he can't put down to "being in my head" coz you know I am "a bit nutty". actual proof that he could talk to his wife in the middle of such a conversation. what kind of man have I wasted my life on.

it really does feel as though nice people finish last. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I've honestly spent my life putting others first & for what???

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 06:50:05

accountant Neill (I supported him through 9 years of study & no money - he didn't even drive when we met), teeth now whitened by annual hygenist (I found dentist & registered him - can't afford to have mine checked), straight eyes (again due to enquiries & apt I made - he had a squint never bothered me but was upsetting him), two gorgeous intelligent children (need I say more??) who comes out tge best in this relationship? slim, pretty, intelligent19 year old uni student now frumpy mother of two with no money or assets in her name & no career prospects?! nearly 14 years later

HoHoHoHum Fri 14-Dec-12 07:00:09

Sweetheart, you will come out the best... Because you will come out yourself, with your two gorgeous children.

He'll be a dickhead for the rest of his life.

SamsGoldilocks Fri 14-Dec-12 07:22:06

This man is a financial bully, he has another woman, he wants to leave.

You don't have nothing, you have your beautiful children, and when he's gone you will have your own budget to manage as you like.

I'm guessing you don't feel strong enough for it, but I imagine it would be quite satisfying to bag up his stuff and leave it outside.

Be brave, and you will get through this. X

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 07:28:36

he's still begging to stay - saying it was an ego boost even mentioned midlife crisis

SamsGoldilocks Fri 14-Dec-12 08:26:44

He's a joke, let him leave.

SamsGoldilocks Fri 14-Dec-12 08:28:32

Be true to yourself, think about what you really want. It is your choice.

You also don't need to make a decision today, let him sweat.

clairebzippy Fri 14-Dec-12 08:40:08

Hello there- I do hope you see this post amongst the hundreds of lovely responses and I hope I can help a little bit.

Firstly, let me tell you a bit about me and then you'll understand why your post has made me respond.

I am a single mum to a 12 week old boy. I left my partner when I was 15 weeks pregnant because he was controlling and emotionally abusive. It took me a long time to recognise and admit that this is what he was because he never hit me or anything like that and at times, our relationship was good. I felt like a fraud and a liar (which he still says I am!) and it took a very long time to accept that I'd been a victim of abuse. I am an intelligent and educated woman and felt so stupid for finding myself in that position.

Reading your original post felt so familiar to me and I wanted to say well done for seeking some advice. Reading your subsequent posts suggests to me that you are where I was- starting to recognise the problem but not fully ready or able to admit to it.

I think it's there at the back of your mind- it's appalling to make you terminate a pregnancy, not support you through your grief, belittle you for staying at home and treating you like a poor relation. I was kept cold for not contributing to heating bills and made to feel small if he paid for anything.

You sound like an intelligent woman and you have gone some way to acknowledging the problem. Please remember that all a abusers are not 'on' all the time. It's still abuse if your relationship is nice sometimes.

I really hope this helps you in some way
Xxx

clairebzippy Fri 14-Dec-12 09:29:27

Sorry I've just read some of your further posts-
I grew up in an abusive environment too, I think that's why I found it so hard to admit I was in an abusive relationship- I felt as though I ought to have known better.

I think you know that the discussion with him is designed to wrong foot and confuse you further- it's dangerous territory because he is skilled at manipulating you.

My mum got out of her abusive relationship when I was a teen and I had so much admiration for her strength. It hasn't kept me safe from an abusive relationship but taught me the skills and gave me the strength to recognise it and walk away. As hard as being a single mum is, I wasn't going to raise my son in that environment.

You have a little girl, yes? Teach her how to be strong, like her mummy. And show her that she is worth more than abuse, as are you. You can break the cycle and you are so nearly there xxx

HullyEastergully Fri 14-Dec-12 09:31:40

I have only read the op and would like to say:

HE IS A TOTAL AND UTTER CUNT

RoomForASmallOne Fri 14-Dec-12 10:21:06

What Hully said.

Crumpetlover Fri 14-Dec-12 10:25:19

I feel so sad for you OP, I hope you find the strength to leave him

bananainmyhair Fri 14-Dec-12 10:51:54

I haven't read everyone else's replies so apologies if this is already been asked. but, are you married? Are you both on the mortgage? I would take him for all he is worth money wise and run like the wind. You are an intelligent and lovely sounding woman who deserves (and can get) so much better.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 10:55:48

he's only just left for work. managed to take my ds ti school tgis morning pretending everything is ok - if nothing else my childhood has given me that 'skill'. he's only just left for work - has been begging me to give him another chance.

I have told him, begged him to go away & seriously think about what he is asking of me? that ok I concede if you reread their conversation nothing physical has happened yet (& "people get over actual affairs") but he has emotionally cheated on me. he knows me better than anyone & knows without doubt for me there is very little or no difference.

I have told him out of respect for me and his children he really needs to tgink about what has happened before he rushes to beg to keep us together out of guilt/ family image etc.
yes its hard to be told someone no longer loves you at least you can move on feeling an ounce of respect. especially if thst person gives you an amicable break up.

the lies - I just can't stand the lies & trying to entangled them & conversations with him.

sorry rambling, tired, didn't sleep last night.

NettleTea Fri 14-Dec-12 11:09:27

I would suggest that he goes NOW. Gives you the space and the control to decide what you think you should do.
You are not an idiot. Better people have and will continue to have the wool pulled over their eyes by abusers who feed them with lies, ad all because they have a dream of what they want, but a warped sense of how to achieve it from previous abuse (usually set down and absorbed in childhood)
With that in mind you will be saving your children from following your example, and offering them a chance of future happiness even if in the short term the changes cause a bit of natural unhappiness.
You need to speak to a councillor. You need to get to the root of the poor self esteem and get some good solid thinking in place, so that you will never accept anything less than love and equality from a partner in the future. Womens aid (may seem OTT to you, but stick with me here) can give you good advice, and recommend a programme such as 'The Freedom Programme' which you can do in person or online.
While he is gone you can apply for tax credits/child credits and income support, as well as housing benefit if thats relevent. You can look at how much maintanance he needs to pay, and to be honest I would by pass the emotional minefield that is a private negotiation and go straight to the CSA if you decide that you dont want him back.
You are alot stronger than you think. You have dealt with daily abuse, an unwanted termination, depression and budgeting on a pittance, and yet you are still here. You have 2 beautiful children, one who has been recognised as G&T. You have clothed, fed and nurtured them, now its time to be strong and set them an example as to how to stand up for yourself, and demand respect. Your aunt recommended you work as a classroom assistant - she must see potential in that. That may seem like madness right now, but as a single parent you would be able to access help for retraining that your husband would probably object to providing. You could start as a classroom assistant, schools often help with attaining TA status, and your degree could be a step to a PGCE (is that right??) once you are stronger and have more time. Is that a future you would like?? Do you think you could achieve that with your husband?? You sound like a really kind and nurturing person (those who have suffered abuse often seem to be the most caring) and absolutely wonderful for work in early years education. And WTC will also help with childcare costs if you want any other work.
Its like ripping off a plaster - initially this might be hard and painful, but in the long run it really gives you and your children the chance for a happy future where you are all able to be happy and fullfilled.

akaemmafrost Fri 14-Dec-12 12:24:26

I can't add to the great advice given. I had one like this though I have to say he was way more generous with the weekly allowance. He was a high earner and gave me around a third of it, though this was only after I threw him out for insisting on taking me shopping each week. He didn't really query what was spent because he likes good food and wine but I never had a penny in my pocket between times. I too then suggested a weekly allowance so I wouldn't have to run everything by him.

He used to tell me to get a well paid job and then I had to "make things happen for yourself Emma", this with a three year old with SN and a new born. He spent the rest of his income on clothes and his social life, I had no clue whatsoever about family finances.

angry it's a disgusting way to treat someone, no better than a child or family pet. I think you need to leave this awful man. Benefits aren't great but it's way more than you are getting now I promise you that. If you are showing him this thread tell him this from me:-

"OP's H you are a disgusting, bullying abusive man and you should be ashamed of yourself with your ridiculous apples while your dc and wife eat low quality food, hundreds of people on here are absolutely disgusted by you and I wholeheartedly recommend that your wife leaves you and takes your dc as you do not deserve them, you pathetic excuse for a person".

akaemmafrost Fri 14-Dec-12 12:38:52

Sorry just caught up sad. Tbh I thought this must be going on from the OP but didn't want to throw it into the mix.

Get rid OP, just get rid. He is so like my ex and they NEVER change, just get worse and worse till they've taken everything from you.

conantg Fri 14-Dec-12 13:38:52

Please, please get rid of him. In a very short time afterwards you will feel better off in every possible way.

HoHoHoHum Fri 14-Dec-12 14:59:19

One way to help you decide what it is you want to do is to ask him to leave for a few weeks. Tell him that if he loves you and wants the relationship to work, then he'll give you the space that you need to decide what you want to happen going forward.

If he agrees, then great, you get some space and can start figuring out how you feel & what you want going forward.

If he refuses, then you know that all his patter about being ever so sorry & how he'll do anything to prove how much he loves you etc is just that... Patter.

I think you're better off without him, myself.

NettleTea Fri 14-Dec-12 15:03:45

yes, and given space and left to your own devices, you may well find that you are much much happier and you dont want him back.
He probably knows this which is why he wont respect you and do as you ask. Even if he does go he will keep bombarding you with texts/visits on any pretext. Being all sorrowfull, then loving, then nasty and threatening. Thats the usual pattern.
and guilt, I forgot about trying to get you with the guilt about how you could do this to him, and how you are preventing him seeing his kids/breaking up the family.

FWIW I think he probably had the fling as he felt entitled to because of having to give you more money. If you were getting extra, then he deserved it too

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 19:08:58

hw's alreafy started with the guilt - his life is over woe is me etc etc.

I dint know what to do but I know this time is different to any other time I've hit breaking point before.

all those times before I've just wanted to see him, for him to put his arms around me etc& tell me he loves me everything is going to be ok.

I'm expecting him home any minute & I feel sick just thinking about seeing him again. when I think of what he has done I cant stop crying. I feel sick at the thought orchids being anywhere near me - let alone touching me.

cannotthinkofausername Fri 14-Dec-12 19:10:05

of him

NettleTea Fri 14-Dec-12 22:40:24

It sounds as if your feelings have switched, and often that is the time when everything changes and the boot will be on the other foot, because you are in control and you are no longer desperate to hang onto him at any cost. This enables you to look at him through new eyes, even though you are upset and worried about the future. I don't believe you can go back once you reach that point, and you are able to see all his promises as hollow.
Is there somewhere he can go - a friends house, the other woman, his parents. Please find someone in real life to confide in and be honest about what's been going on and why he is out before he gets the chance to lie about it and paint you as the bad guy, which he will do once he realises that his words aren't having the effect he wants. As you say, his image to the outside world is very important to him.
Get as much financial info as possible and see if you can speak to a solicitor ASAP - you can get free advice initially and may qualify for legal aid. Knowledge is power. Find out exactly where you will stand,it will give you strength to know things won't be as bad financially as you have probably be living on already.
Xxx

NettleTea Fri 14-Dec-12 22:42:45

Oh, and if he is really going heavy on the woe is me stuff and threatens to top himself, call the police and report it - they will contact emergency services. It's not up to you if he does that, if he is serious he needs psychiatric help, and if he is bluffing the police involvement means he won't do that again. Similarly call the police if he gets scary or threatening

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