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mumsnet widower poison

(135 Posts)
jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:19:42

I have no one else to talk to about my feelings. My wife has family and friends, but she also appears to spend a lot of time on mumsnet. I feel suicidal, lonely and always blamed for the bad things that happen in life. Some of the threads on this website are so intensely vitriolic and polarised that I believe my wife is being destroyed from the beautiful kind loving person I married. Her addiction to mumsnet is really scaring me, yet I fear I cannot raise it with her as she would get angry with me. Help?

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 00:23:33

So you would rather post here, slagging MN off, instead of talking to your wife?

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 00:23:38

Have you put the rubbish out yet?

feelokaboutit Thu 11-Oct-12 00:24:15

Are you my husband grin ??

Seriously though, I am sorry you feel suicidal and lonely sad. Can you give us more details of your situation?

I think I know what you mean, but if MN had changed your wife its likely that she feels empowered rather than vitriolic.

What else is going on?

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 00:31:33

I have reported this post

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:32:52

Why have you reported it confused

missymoomoomee Thu 11-Oct-12 00:32:59

I am sorry you are feeling so low op, but I can't understand why you want advice from the very people who are apparently turning your wife into such a horrible person.

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 00:33:32

Because I believe all is not as it seems, given the OP's posts on a couple of other threads this evening.

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 00:36:29

It is very easy to get addicted to mumsnet (raises hand). Unfortunately you are not going to win many friends here by posting on her hallowed ground iyswim.

You have to raise it with her (if you haven't already by posting here, on 'her' site). LIving with someone who is addicted is a very lonely place - the body is there but no-one's in. So you have to talk to her and tell her how you feel - and listen to what she says, too. YOu may need a professional third party present to ensure you both have your say. eg who is blaming you for 'the bad things that happen in life'? What bad things, what life?

Some of the threads on MN are 'intensely vitiolic' (though it depends which board you're looking at - AIBU is often the aforementioned but best taken with a pinch of salt: we're all compelled to be 'good' the vast majority of the time, it's good to let off a bit of steam and be 'bad' - it's easy to be 'bad' from behind a screen). Otherwise there are some deeply caring threads, posts and posters on MN - I can think of so many where posters have supported someone through a very difficult time and been prepared to go the long haul. I wonder what you've been looking at to draw the 'vitriolic' and 'polarised' conclusions. Look closer - there's some fabulous stuff here.

anyway, I think the point is that you feel you've lost your wife to an internet site - you wouldn't be the first and it is very isolating to be outside in the cold if this is the case. If you are feeling suicidal, please get some professional support soonest - talk to your GP and get some good support in place.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time OP. xx

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:40:33

Sory I am so weak and pathetic I cannot talk to my wife. I am not the most articulate man, and I often say the wrong thing, especially when I try to extend an olive branch to try to get back on speaking terms with her.
Without anyone else to talk to, I have resorted to this website. BigBroomstickBIWI to quote you from the other thrad im on, how (on earth!) do the flippant comments I got in response to my post help me in my situation! I am trying to show a little tolerance of your views, and trying to show how bad I feel about the loss of my wife, and how I feel the decline in her mood and the deterioration in our relationship have run in parallel with obsession with mumsnet.
As to the chauvinist stereotype of the man putting the bins out, yes, predictably, this is my role, and the criticism and passive agression, and constant feelings of being a disappointing failure are often overwhelming, but I have no time or place to cry. I do something wrong, she gets angry, i apologise, she gets angry with herself, or me, over and over.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:43:57

Oh no sad I have nothing to say coz I'm crap at giving relationship advice, but please don't do anything daft. You need to talk, in plain terms if you can.


GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:45:02

And I understand the obsession with mumsnet thing. I had to give myself a talking to because I was being so bad tempered with DP when I'm on it.

bitbewildered Thu 11-Oct-12 00:45:48

I'm not sure a thread about domestic sexual harassment was the best place for your first post though jm8997. I can see why BIWI was a bit hmm.

monsterchild Thu 11-Oct-12 00:50:48

Op, you need RL help, not mumsnet help. Please contact someone who can really help you, a counselor or religious leader?

Or at least post in MH, because suicidal thoughts are better dealt with there, they know how to refer to you RL assistance.

it sounds like you and your DW need counselling too. again, not going to get that here.

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:50:49

At the moment I just want to break and destroy things and it is making me feel weak and angry and conflicted because I know it is wrong. The vicious comments I am receiving here are making me feel resentful and angry, as these are the comment that are poisoning my wife and hurting me.

missymoomoomee Thu 11-Oct-12 00:51:00

Op having read your other posts I think you should at least see and speak to a doctor, we all go through rough patches in our relationships, some worse than others, but to feel suicidal because of it is very worrying. Maybe getting your feelings out in the open to a 'real person' will help you to articulate what you want to say to your wife.

I don't think Mumsnet is the problem but I can see how its easier for you to have something to blame.

Hope things improve for you soon op.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 00:53:31

scuse me while I dv exe spammed my mn with crap like this...this person is best ignored , he's likely hacked his wifes account.

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 00:54:22

There definitely is a code here and it takes a while to get it... and now isn't the time to learn it if you are in extremis. As GoldShip says, don't do anything daft - it destroys the people left behind (they never get over it) - are you considering suicide seriously? If so, get help immediately . You really can't let it slide. Call the Samaritans, get an appt with your GP asap, for instance.

It sounds like things have got to a serious pitch. Do you have the means to pay for a therapist? Contact BACP - the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy - look at the right side of the page to 'find a therapist' . A therapist will help you to 'find your voice' (this is important when you feel stuck and unable to speak) in a safe environment and will help you to release what you really feel and start making some sense of what is going on with you. If finances are a problem, ask the therapist if they offer reduced rates. Go with the therapist you like the sound of after you've called to talk to some on the list. There are male therapists around too if you would be more comfortable talking to a man. They've seen it all before btw so don't think you'll be saying/revealing anything new - though they do care.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:54:34

And that certainly helps! ^

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 00:54:38

I've reported it too.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:54:51

Sorry cross posted, meant the poster before

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 00:57:02

This is either real, a suicidal poster with a wife at home with whom he is unhappy, or someone who isn't. Best reported.

OliviaLMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Oct-12 00:58:04

Hello OP
Just a reiteration of the other posters to seek RL help
here is our web guide
Hope that you can get some support so that you can turn this situation around.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 00:58:20


jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:58:23

I thought that by putting messages on here, its a place where I can express my feelings, and maybe she can see the effect its having in me indirectly. In my experience tonight I have been attacked for poor etiquette and mocked, so qed perhaps I can show some of you regulars that a pc separating you and the real world can make some people quite polar in their behaviour. I do appreciate the advice I're received so far, and will try to go down the suicide route or the painful counselling route. I am sure whichever I finally choose, my wife will continue to use this website as a place to share her ideas.

happyhazydaze Thu 11-Oct-12 00:58:25

Has something happened today that makes you feel like its all too much? Part of why your wife will be using mumsnet a lot is because there is an incredible amount of support and advice on here, but there's also a lot of home truths that get told as well. So if you want to talk and be honest, go for it and I know people will try to help you. But why not ring the Samaritans and have an actual, private chat with someone too?
And please, if your wife is using mumsnet, do not use this as a means of communicating with her. Make sure you respect each other privacy on here because otherwise I guarantee you will just make a bad situation much worse.

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:58:55

I thought that by putting messages on here, its a place where I can express my feelings, and maybe she can see the effect its having in me indirectly. In my experience tonight I have been attacked for poor etiquette and mocked, so qed perhaps I can show some of you regulars that a pc separating you and the real world can make some people quite polar in their behaviour. I do appreciate the advice I're received so far, and will try to go down the suicide route or the painful counselling route. I am sure whichever I finally choose, my wife will continue to use this website as a place to share her ideas.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 00:59:37

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 01:06:10

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springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 01:06:49

It can be a rough highway on here - try to tune out the negative posts (easier said than done I know). If you really are feeling beside yourself then try posting in mental health , though it is a slower board and people may not be around. Or stick it out on here and if you are sincere, that usually wins people round.

I'm not sure why those who are reporting feel compelled to post as such. Have you thought about writing a letter to your wife? Then you get the chance to say what you feel - though try not to attack or blame, just say how you feel using the 'when you/I feel' model eg 'when you are nasty to me, I feel I can't speak', 'when you are on MN I feel left out and lonely' etc.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 01:07:39

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 01:09:00

Now that would be creative... as you have no idea what I look like...

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 01:09:39

pack it in posters. This is relationships, home of the (supposedly) supportive posts. If you can't be supportive, report it do, but bugger off.

Take no notice OP. but please don't post threats of doing the deed and relishing hurting an anonymous poster. They are nothing to you, leave them there.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 01:11:26

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 01:11:53

I agree that posting threats of doing the deed and relishing hurting an anonymous poster, who has also posted for help today, is not on.

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 01:13:10

Your suggestion that I am a person who would hurt another is shocking! My pent up frustration and anger needs some form of release, and I thought I made it clear I know destruction is wrong, that is precisely why I feel so troubled.
I came here to seek help. I think it is people like you here who have bullied others and shown the darker side of humanity that have dragged participants down into the gutter.
If you are my wife, you are no longer the wonderful person i loved and married. You need to climb out of your hell and seek help to fix yourself!

happyhazydaze Thu 11-Oct-12 01:13:20

We don't know that for certain. This might actually be someone who needs support, if you don't believe it you don't really have to engage.
Op what could happen tonight that would help how you are feeling?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 11-Oct-12 01:13:23

I was with Op until he suggested that his wife would be responsible if he topped himself.

OP, only you make that decision. You can blame as many others as you like, but at least be man enough to take responsibility for your own decisions.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 01:15:19

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

bitbewildered Thu 11-Oct-12 01:16:01

Op, I really do think you need to seek RL help. GP? Samaritans?

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 01:16:02

Suicide is painful and has been known to lead to death after those who were sure it was the right choice for them changed their mind.

Counselling is considerably less painful and leads to improved quality of life for those who are prepared to change their mindset.

Maybe a little less melodrama and a little more willingness to work in partnership with your dw and others will go some way to resolving your problems?

As you are able to express yourself in writing I very much doubt that you lack the ability toarticulate your thoughts and feelings verbally but, if being open and honest with others is a problem for you, why not print off your thread(s) and use it/them as a starting point for the conversation you need to have with your dw?

akaemmafrost Thu 11-Oct-12 01:16:14

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 01:17:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

missymoomoomee Thu 11-Oct-12 01:17:45

Little I think you might be better to hide this thread before it causes you any further upset, op if you genuinely want help then you are going entirely the wrong way about it, you need to calm down and stop with the threats.

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 01:17:54

OP, get off the 'puter and call the Samaritans where you can rant and be heard - they will stay with you until you calm down. 08457 90 90 90 (UK) 1850 60 90 90 (ROI)

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 01:18:43

I think this is a very goading thread and I would ask MNHQ to close it down.

happyhazydaze Thu 11-Oct-12 01:18:47

Little blue I've seen your other thread and think you come across as a very smart and brave person, and I really wish you all the best with your situation. But I really don't understand why you are still posting on this thread, it seems like its winding you up and it's definitely not helping either you or the op.

Dryjuice25 Thu 11-Oct-12 01:18:55

Why is your wife to blame if you take your life ?

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 01:20:34

Its not upsetting me in the slightest... he hijacked a very personal and painful thread I started , took the piss , and is manipulating the kindness and support available on here...and will undoubtedly make sure his wife knows about it in spades... I have nothing more to say , as its just feeding him.

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 01:23:05

I saw your thread, Littleblue, and I know you've been here for a long time on MN.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 01:24:17

About seven years smile

jm8997 Thu 11-Oct-12 01:24:24

Ok, I've decided to leave this and end it all. The cat is downstairs with me, so I will leave the house. I hope my wife can forgive me, but I cannot face the inevitable recrminations and fighting, as to confront her on this clearly states that I think she is at fault. I don't care who is at fault, I just want it to end.

This is no solution.

Please call samaritans.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 01:31:02

Maybe your DW spends a lot of her time on here to get support with her feelings. Admirably you have taken her lead and done the same.

Maybe you should ask her out on dates, be loving and romantic to each other. Do you have DC's? Get a babysitter, have some 'us time' and take the DC's out if you have them.

I second calling the samaritans or email them if you can not face calling?

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 01:36:56

I wouldn't recommend emailing them - the reply is slow and very short. Talk to them OP. 08457 90 90 90* (UK) 1850 60 90 90* (ROI)

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 02:34:53

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SaraBellumHertz Thu 11-Oct-12 05:14:31

Izzy I'd rather not take that chance hmm

Either the OP is genuinely distressed and upset and is now contemplating suicide more deeply than he previously was


The OP is posting here to seek a reaction from his wife and posters have done a nice job in goading him into be sufficiently angry that he'll do who knows what.

So people aren't convinced by him? Ignore and let the post go or report. The vitriol achieves nothing but make those dishing it out look as poorly behaved as they believe him to be.

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 06:45:24

My honest view is that you are very mentally ill and need some help with this before you do anything else. From your post on the other thread you are intensely paranoid as you read into that thread about one person who happened to be a man sexually abusing his partner who happened to be a woman that MN hates men. I take your impression of MN as "intensely vitriolic" with a pinch of salt therefore.

My concern is also that you were directed to the mental health rather than relationships board (and this would have been better if your aims of getting help are genuine) and yet here you are on the relationships board saying your wife use MN and you don't like it.

MN is not pushing your wife away from you. Your behaviour is if it is anything like what it has been on here; intense paranoia, manipulative suicide threats (and that's not to say you don't feel bad but you haven't killed your self or sought help on mental health you have come here instead) and intense and inalienable self defeating victim hood with a little attempt at controlling behaviour. No-one can live like that.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 11:11:47

Well if its true and he does it, i will not feel responsible, and neither should his DW

I have tried to talk someone out of doing this before on FB, he was in another country, a lovely man, devastated by not being allowed to see his child.
He had taken an overdose and sat on the computer telling everyone, he was told to get help, call an ambulance, but didn't believe that he'd taken enough tablets to cause damage, so took himself off to bed, everyone trying to help him was going nuts, trying to find phone numbers in his country to find out where he was, trying to get someone who knew his real name as he had a made up one on his fb.

The following morning there was a message on his wall saying he had passed away in his sleep sad

I think if the OP came on to get his jollies he is a very bad person sad

Doubt he'll be back anyway, even if he DTD i would frankly be amazed as it takes a strong person, with guts, to end it, and that guts would have been better directed at fixing his relationship with DW. He'll leave the sensitive people who really are concerned, genuinely, worried about whether he's ok or not.

I'm with izzy. Manipulative people threaten suicide and then pout 'Then you'll be sowwy!'. Some of us have to deal with it regularly.

JustFabulous Thu 11-Oct-12 11:25:15

Littleblue - I think you have behaved appalingly in this thread. I understand you are pissed off because your ex attacked you on here but this poster is not your ex and clearly needs help. If you feel he isn't genuine then ignore but don't kick someone when they ask for help because you are bitter that your ex pissed you off.

OP - if you feel writing things down will help why not write to your wife privately rather than trying to reach her through MN as that rarely ends well. I advise you go to your GP as you might benefit from some individual and couples counselling.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 11:29:58

Maybe , but I remain of the opinion he's sitting there laughing up his sleeve at the genuine compassion he's generated on here... and I waded in in retaliation for his antics on my thread. simple as that....

OxfordBags Thu 11-Oct-12 11:30:58

My take on this is that if my husband had such a sexist and patronising view of me that I was a silly little woman who could have my entirely personality changed so easily by going on a website, then I'd be pissed off with him too. I think the OP is either refusing, or is unable, to take responsibility for his part in the problems in his relationship and is looking for something - anything - to blame instead for making his wife unhappy.

That he has interpreted understandably negative reactions to domestic abuse as women hating men, and that he threatens suicide if people don't tell or give him exactly what he wants, points to someone who is deeply egotistical and manipulative. I do also think you are probably very depressed and need some urgent help, OP. I would suggest that MN has opened your wife's eyes as to how unacceptable your behaviour is, as opposed to just turning her into a man-hating harpy. If she is angry and upset with you, only YOU are responsible for that, not faceless strangers on the internet.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 11:31:56

Whether of you're of that opinion or not, when someone is stating that they feel suicidal you don't come out with some of the crap that you have. In cases like that you need to give the benefit of the doubt because you 'wading in in retaliation' could do damage if the case is true.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 11:34:37

Last words on this...He abused me on my thread , a thread I started because of my own distress and severe depression , I'll say nothing else.

HecateLarpo Thu 11-Oct-12 11:39:12

I hope that you don't choose to take your own life, because that's a very desperate thing to do and the devastation it leaves is horrendous and nothing you have posted about here is an insurmountable problem, it's just very hard to see that when your judgement is clouded by depression and extreme upset.

If you are still reading this, please phone the samaritans and talk about how you are feeling.

if the DW of the OP is reading - please get out! please don't be manipulated and controlled by this extremely abnormal behaviour. don't feel responsible. if you have children please, please, please leave with them and get them somewhere healthy and sane.

rest assured the vast majority of people reading this will see him for he is. i wish you luck in moving forward in your life.

OP - your wife is a woman: an adult female human being with her own mind, feelings, experience and opinions. to suggest she is such a weak, stupid little creature that her whole personality can be changed by chatting to some women on the internet is insulting, ridiculous and an act of jaw dropping denial and transference.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 12:05:22

If the OP hadn't said that they were married and had a cat i would have thought he was mine grin i'm constantly on MN

CinnabarRed Thu 11-Oct-12 12:23:08

I have no idea whether the OP is genuine or not, and I'm not going to speculate.

I do, however, want to say that suicide threats can be genuine. My DF committed suicide when I was 16. I didn't take him seriously, but in fact he was deadly serious.

Of course suicide threats can be manipulative. But I always take them at face value because I wish I'd done exactly that 21 years ago.

AnEerieAirOfHorror Thu 11-Oct-12 12:23:10

This is the most icky thing.i have read on mn so far in two years.

DreadingWhatComesNext Thu 11-Oct-12 12:28:52

Like littleblue, I'm wary here reading this.... My x put a key logger on pc, and this is why I name change a lot. SO paranoid (still).

If the op has the savvy to post here, he can email the samaritans. I think it is. There is a mental health board here. Look for support. Don't start off with blame and hate.

There is no vitriol here, not towards good men. There was a time when bad husbands could get away with beating cheating slapping and abusing their wives more easily, and yes, the internet has brought women toghether in a 'back slapping brigade' as my x would call it. Is that a bad thing? A good man would not think it was a bad thing.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 12:30:54

Sorry to hear of your loss Cinnebar .. i know from my brothers who lost their DF to suicide (he was a horrible person but it was still sad and a shock) how hard it is to pick up the pieces afterwards.

DreadingWhatComesNext Thu 11-Oct-12 12:32:14

@ OP, strangers on the internet only gave me the confidence to draw a line. I always KNEW where the line was, even before I had the confidence to mark it.

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 12:52:02

The thing that makes me really uncomfortable is that he's coming on here because he's trying to get at the place his wife goes for support. On littleblue's thread he was directed and linked to the mental health board yet he still managed to start a new thread here, where his wife is, rather than in there where he would get support. Suicide threats aside because plenty of people who manipulatively threaten do kill themselves, this shows the motives behind the post. He's here to get to his wife not get support otherwise why post here against the MNHQ advice and link?

ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn Thu 11-Oct-12 12:59:31

JM - for someone who claims not to be very articulate, you have a very flowery way of writing prose.

If there are problems with your relationship, then there are problems with your relationship and blaming a website isn't going to help you or your wife. Have you considered that maybe she escapes onto the web as she's disatisfied with your relationship too?

You need to talk to your wife and work on your relationship not come on line and make seemingly grandiose threats to commit suicide.

Oh, and a word to the wise - maybe you want to make your twitter feed match up with what you are posting here eh?

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 13:07:08

Or just protect your tweets from the public eh? So still reading then...

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Thu 11-Oct-12 13:10:01

Plainly there's more to this than meets the eye!

Op - I spend plenty of time on mumsnet but also have a functioning relationship. There are lots of posters like that. If you feel mumsnet is the problem, sorry but you're wrong.

Twitter, eh? hmm

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 13:13:01

Twitter a/c is now locked ...

ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn Thu 11-Oct-12 13:15:04

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90.

They are much better for giving help than anonymous posters.

GobTheGoblin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:15:59

Ha ha he's just made his tweets private. Knob.

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:19:04

Deleted? Moi? For stating the bleeding obvious? Jeez, to the best of my knowledge I wasn't harsh or rude or insulting as my earlier response, if it's still extant,, will testify.

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 13:20:28

Hmm hmm I wonder who reported that, izzy?

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:35:22

It seems to me we can safely assume that the OP has elected to live to report another day, Broom hmm

bitbewildered Thu 11-Oct-12 13:37:37

I went to bed last night very grateful that my DH is not the OP who seemed determined to ignore everyone's offered help, and only to attack, mainly, Littleblue. If he's your DH run far away!

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:38:08

A site where twits can go private? It figures...

GobTheGoblin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:38:25

He must think we're all 'suckers'. wink

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 13:51:19

Out of interest, did his tweets give any indication that he is genuine, or here as part of an invasion?

There are a couple of very odd posters at the moment that are making me wonder if F4J walk amongst us again...

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 14:00:00

I was completely impervious , despite being told I was behaving badly , I felt justified in taking the piss out of what was obviously a Troll....I had a couple of private messages asking if I was ok after being the main target of his abuse which was lovely... this man got alot of genuine support from all the kindness and compassion readily available from the mumsnet community..., and his stupidity in exposing his actual identity by using the same name as his twitter proves my point regarding his manipulative and trolling behaviour... I hate to sound smug but rests her case smile

MouMouCow Thu 11-Oct-12 14:00:29

I feel sorry for the poor chap.
As for obsessed MNters, a few spring to mind ( I don't undertsand how they can have a life outside and manage to look after child and husband with the amount of time spent on this site) and the comments made about other DHs are sometimes quite harsh and prejudiced.

No insults please, disagreeing with you lot is no justification for getting abused....

is 'you lot' everyone on mn except you?

just trying to work out who you're addressing.

bitbewildered Thu 11-Oct-12 14:03:46

My DH doesn't need to be looked after. hmm

ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn Thu 11-Oct-12 14:06:09

Everyone is entitled to an opinion.

I personally think that using a NN that his wife will recognise on a site he knows she uses to post about how awful she is and to threaten suicide, could be considered as manipulative and possibly even "not in the spirit of mumsnet".

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 14:06:26

'manage to look after ... husband' grin

I think the purpose of the thread was to goad someone on here to suggest something horrible to a supposedly suicidal man, so that this could be used to attack and denigrate MN as a whole.

edam Thu 11-Oct-12 14:07:27

I think you've got it the wrong way round moumou - read the post immediately before yours.

AnEerieAirOfHorror Thu 11-Oct-12 14:08:46

Maybe womeb can do two things at one i think its called mulititasking lol

GobTheGoblin Thu 11-Oct-12 14:10:02

Mou you do realise the op is a troll?

Lueji Thu 11-Oct-12 14:13:20

The OP sounded like my ex when I left. hmm

He didn't kill himself.

BrainSurgeon Thu 11-Oct-12 14:22:05


LottieJenkins Thu 11-Oct-12 14:33:06

I may be over-reacting but as a widower i am offend by the thread title!!!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 14:40:06

MouMou a lot of people have, what are they called.. iphones.. with the app for MN installed hmm

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 14:40:34

Meaning they don't have to physically be in front of a pc all day

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 15:09:18

Why do people post 'reported' on a thread. Reporting something you think is very offensive or suspicious I get, but why the need to smugly state it on the thread?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 15:22:12

Now you're just being pedantic grin

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 15:23:03

Done it myself tbh its like the feeling you get from saying 'I'm TELLING mooooooom'

Knobbers like this never do actually manage to kill themselves. Unfortunately.

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 15:24:57

I suppose to respond to people saying, Well why don't you just report it, then? And to act as a heads-up to others.

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 15:29:22

But if the poster is real then they may get scared away with all the 'reported' comments when they need help. If you're reporting it and mnhq looks and decides its not real then they'd usually post and then delete the thread anyway, but you could stop someone giving out valuable advice, or someone else benefiting from it. Even if it's a troll on a thread, there's always a chance that someone else could be reading the thread and benefit from the positive advice that's been given, even if it isn't the OP.

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 15:33:17

I think on this particular thread it was relevant to be clear that MNHQ was aware of the claim being made on the thread. But I do take your point that in the vast majority of cases reporting should be done behind the scenes.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 15:44:09

MNHQ is sensible about this stuff.. I know one of my threads got reported left right and centre and its still intact <phew after it took forever to type out>

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 15:46:28

things, but if posters were posting 'reported' all over your thread it might have discouraged others to post up valuable advice, or discourage other from starting their own thread about similar incase they receive the same treatment.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 15:49:46

People were also posting that we felt he was clearly disingenuous and manipulative... what's the alternative ??, humour trolls and get the honesty that is mumsnet tainted by whackjobs? thats not going to encourage anyone in need to bare their soul either... is it?

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 15:55:51

You're always going to get trolls whether you announce you're reporting it or not, but what if someone really was at the end of their tether and thought about ending it, they came on and seen 'reported' everywhere and didn't ask for help incase they were accused of making it up? If it was a choice between giving someone advice and help when they needed it but risking a troll rubbing their hands together pleased they were convincing people, and unnecessarily posting 'reporting' on a thread running the risk of preventing someone from speaking out just so I can prove to a troll that I didn't believe them, I know what one I'd chose.

ScreamingManAndGoryOn Thu 11-Oct-12 15:58:30

Well, Pedantic Panda, you could always report the comments saying "I've reported" and ask for them to be deleted if you like.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 16:01:17

PP , he got the reaction he did for many reasons , not least of which was his hijack and abuse on my thread , and his choice to stalk relationship threads instead of going over to mental health as mnhq rapidly suggested... go look at the mental health boards , see how many people are asking for support , and clearly getting it with no hint of suspicion as to their motives or agenda... this was an isolated case (hopefully)

JustinBoobie Thu 11-Oct-12 16:03:07

well, lets just hope that we don't hear from the 'wife' soon then shall we?

MN can be ARSE sometimes.

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 16:04:47

This isn't the only time I've read 'reported' on a thread confused, it gets posted quite a lot, it certainly isn't an isolated case.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 16:14:33

Thats not what I meant... but never mind..

Look, when it's obvious that the poster in question is a manipulative, abusive whanger then it's fine for people to point this out and kick his MRA-loving head in.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 16:23:26

I do love you SGB grin

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 16:28:29

But what about the other times when it's not obvious they are a 'manipulative, abusive whanger', but people still announce they are reporting as they think it might be a troll?

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 16:35:41

"What if what if"... goodness !! rarely do post get visibly reported unless another poster feels it timely to flag up publically that they feel (with good reason) that someone needs to wind their bloody neck in !!

missymoomoomee Thu 11-Oct-12 16:39:00

Pedantic Did you read the posts he wrote that were deleted. They were absolutely vile and directed at Little he wasn't asking for help he was being really really nasty

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 16:50:06

... and it didn't achieve its desired effect... I didn't give a rats ass grin

HoneyDragon Thu 11-Oct-12 16:52:14

This is relationships.
It should be supportive, but it doesn't HAVE to be. It just is.
Mumsnet is not counselling, nor is it a support group for suicidal people, people with relationship problems or anything else.
But it is a supportive community, but you can't turn up and demand or expect these things from it.

Mumsnet is basically an internet forum, and has plenty of disclaimers to say so. The ops behaviour was vile. People reacted to direct attacks against them. Which is understandable.

PedanticPanda Thu 11-Oct-12 17:01:22

I'm not demanding anything, I'm making a point that those particular comments are unnecessary and explained why. You can't claim that it is a supportive community and then not listen when someone puts the point across that posting 'reported' could be detrimental and could prevent people from receiving support.

HoneyDragon Thu 11-Oct-12 17:03:37

I didn't say you were demanding anything. But the op did.

Littleblue Thu 11-Oct-12 17:05:31

Listening's a two way street pp....

Lueji Thu 11-Oct-12 17:08:00

Actually, it's just one way.
One talks the other listens.

Having a conversation on the other hand...

HoneyDragon Thu 11-Oct-12 17:08:36

Lots of comments can be detrimental because mos posts are not from a point of expertise but from subjectivity.

Saying I have reported your post can be taken in many ways.

From a purely subjective point of view I would expect someone new to the site who had written genuinely from the heart and desperate for help to want to know why it had been reported.

But thats just me.

Lueji Thu 11-Oct-12 17:14:37

My gut feeling is that this OP was not from the heart, but very manipulative.

My impression, in fact, was that this man is actually abusive to his wife.

If he wanted to let her know about his feelings, without being face to face, he could have written to her.
No need for such show on MN.

It really felt like my ex's dramatics.
Not a cry for help.

And I have been in both situations. With a person who committed suicide a few days later and let out hints that not all was well, but not enough clues.
And with twat ex who didn't kill himself but sounded like bad Shakespearean acting.

usualsuspect3 Thu 11-Oct-12 17:21:46

Typical Trolling behaviour

usualsuspect3 Thu 11-Oct-12 17:24:15

In fact why is this thread still here?

AnEerieAirOfHorror Thu 11-Oct-12 17:26:08

Whatever the reason the op was offencive to a poster and ignored the talk guild lines.

Also it is an internet chat site the op was directed to where he could get help but he chose not to.

The op has mh issues weather he is an abuser or not and needs professional help and he would never get that from mn as its not full of experts or mh workers.

I think the post 'reported' is only used on threads where it is knowen to be goading or trolling.

On the subject of trolling this week a men of 20 was taken to court for it and prosacuted.

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