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Is he having an affair? Or am I mad? Is it normal?

(69 Posts)
applesandpies Wed 10-Oct-12 15:59:40

I have name changed for this as a few people on here know me in rl. Dh and I have been married for 6 years, 2 dc. Our sex life has been quiet but mainly due to 2 dc under 5. Dc works very long hours and gets home late when working, about midnight. It's always been like this.

Before summer I noticed he was starting to go out after work found not one home til 3-4 in the morning, 2-3 times a week. He said it was business. We went on holiday and he only slept with me twice, preffering to watch tv instead and not come to bed til I was asleep. I moaned about it and he said he fell asleep in front of the telly. He said I was mad to think he was having an affair and he was really insulted.

We have had sex once since beginning of sept and last night he sneaked offs to bed without telling me. I got in and began to cuddle him etc. he asked for a bj and I said no as he hadn't showered- he use to when he got home all the time but stopped ages ago. We started to have sex instead, but he stopped before coming and said he was too tired. He fell asleep. I feel totally humiliated- this as never happened to me or us. He asked me what was wrong today as I am too embarressed to look at him or discuss it as I feel so unwanted and ugly.

When I think of all the other things I wonder if he s having an affair. I found he had been looking at a porn site of pictures and a escort website a few weeks ago but didnt mention it as I feel so inadequate.

He says he has to work on sat, but I don't know if I believe him. It's the way he told me, kind of asking.

Advice needed please..

greeneyed Wed 10-Oct-12 16:04:02

I can't answer the first bit, I'd say it's not normal and you are definitely not mad! - something is up. I'm sure some more knowledgeable folks will come along to help you with a course of action - but i repeat you are not mad!! and you are not ugly and inadequate.

What does he say has prompted the going out 2-3 times a week? Most working people can't cope with that kind of social life.

MTBMummy Wed 10-Oct-12 16:09:57

No real advice - but here to offer hand holding

Something doesn't sound right, but that's just my opinion, I don't think you're mad (or inadequate or ugly for that matter)

KirstyWirsty Wed 10-Oct-12 16:11:16

Trust your gut .. If you feel something is wrong it probably is

MouMouCow Wed 10-Oct-12 16:23:05

Why don't you ask him and tell him at the same time how you feel? If he's out on Saturday can he come home a bit earlier on Friday and you can have that essential discussion? It's not really MN you need to open to but your DH....
I'm not surprised the sex is out the window if the communication is gone... They usually go hand in hand!

applesandpies Wed 10-Oct-12 17:06:22

Ido- it was networking to look for another job.

Monmou, I feel very low at him doing that last night, it really bothers me. Is it usual? I don't feel able to talk to him as he will laugh at me and tell me I am being stupid but I don't feel easy about having sex now.

He denied the porn but looked horrified I knew. Didn't mention the escort site.

hoopieghirl Wed 10-Oct-12 17:28:27

You do really need to sit down and have a chat something does seem slightly odd about his behaviour. Trust your instinct its probably right

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 17:55:51

Sorry to say this but on the last holiday I went on with my ex he didn't come to bed until very, very late because he was sat up in the hotel lobby, drinking scotch and telephoning his OW. confused He also liked disappearing after work but that was usually drinking with his buddies... not even he would have been out until 3 or 4am. The only place open at that hour are casinos, night-clubs etc.

Your DH is not acting normally. The no sex, the odd hours, the bizarre behaviour on holiday. Something's drawing his attention away from you and whether that's an OW, a sex chat-line, a massive gambling habit or something else, he owes you an explanation. Sit him down and have a serious chat. Don't be fobbed off. If he laughs at you or starts to get nasty, you'll know you've hit a nerve.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 18:00:42

"works very long hours and gets home late when working, about midnight"

Is his job one where staff are normally expected to work until midnight? Shift-work? Service industry? Taxi driver? Or are you saying that his type of work is more normal office hours and he just absents himself from the family for the rest of the evening?

carmenelectra Wed 10-Oct-12 19:21:55

Massive alarm bells would be ringing for me.

What kind of jobs means he works so late and goes out after!

Porn well no big deal to me alongside our sex life,but a big deal INSTEAD of.

Escort sites, total dealbreaker. I would confront asap. Could it be he is shagging prossies, hence his shock at affair suggestion. Many men don't consider prostitutes as bad.

Something isn't right and there are lots of iSsues going on here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 07:42:25

"He says he has to work on sat, but I don't know if I believe him. It's the way he told me, kind of asking. "

Is this the usual way he does things? 'Announcing' rather than discussing or talking to you politely? I'm struck that, throughout your post, you sound rather cowed by any interactions with him. You think he will laugh at you and tell you you're stupid, for example. He said you were 'mad' to think something was going on. You say you feel too 'inadequate' to tackle him about discovering the escort sites. If this is the normal way you relate to each other.... him doing as he pleases, being where he pleases, not taking you into account or taking your views seriously, and you too worried to say anything.... then that would explain why you are so lacking in confidence. I think you are being bullied.

Springhasarrived Thu 11-Oct-12 08:19:57

OP this is exactly the same behaviour I put up with for 2 years. I could have written that post 2 years ago right down to the "kind of asking" bit. I tried to make excuses for it in my head - porn, work,stress, ageing etc etc. Finally I found out he was virtually leading a double life not just having an affair.

Really sorry but wanted to post this so you dont let it go on for far too long like I did. He will deny deny. It took some real digging for me to get enough proof that he couldnt deny it any longer. Be strong. I would write more but got to dash.

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 10:03:41

He works in the hotel industry and has to be there in the day and evenings, it's always been his job. I knew it would be difficult when I married him but it's always been ok apart from having to manage to dcs alone mostly. I don't have to work which has made it easier.

When I question him he gets annoyed and says he is working hard and late for the family. He has been so different over the last few months though. At one point I thought he was spending his breaks somewhere else as he said he had no break but was uncontactable. He said I was crazy but he stopped.

He normally just tells me what is happening as it comes under wrk, ie I have no say. He sometimes tells me to not wait up for him, but then I know he will be very late, or he takes his keys.

If I ask about sex he says I am always tired and I don't make an effort but I don't feel like doing it if I think he is comparing me iykwim. I had a bf years ago who had ow and it was just like this, which is why I am worried now. It's horrible really. He asked if I was ok and seems to think there was nothing wrong with stopping during sex and saying he was too tired.

Even if I looked at his phone it would tell me nothing as he gets so many calls a day, plus he never uses text.

I am going to ask tonight anyway, he said he will be home early.

aftereight Thu 11-Oct-12 10:17:38

He's too tired to finish having sex, but not too tired to stay out regularly until 3/4am?
Really sorry, but what you said about his break times makes (on top of everything else) it sound like he has an OW who could well be a colleague.
I'm so sorry, I don't have any advice, except to stop feeling bad about confronting him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 10:19:23

I think, sadly, you're right to be suspicious. He sounds evasive at best, dismissive at worst. Accusing you of not making an effort with sex is not the kind of thing any loving husband should be saying. Distant on holiday. 'Uncontactable' when working in a hotel? (Is that even possible) Defensive when challenged. Escort services and porn? As isolated incidents maybe you'd let them go but, taken as a whole, it doesn't look good at all.

I'm never a fan of snooping on partners but I think it would be quite easy to cross-reference some of this stuff with a few simple phone-calls when he's on these 'uncontactable' breaks or claiming to be working long hours, for example.

defineme Thu 11-Oct-12 10:22:05

Looking at an escort agency -that's going from fantasy(ie looking at porn) to reality. I'd be thinking very seriously about the future of this marriage.
Do you have any good times?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Oct-12 10:27:10

Sorry it does not look good at all.

Always trust your instincts and these are telling you he has checked out of the marriage and is occupied elsewhere.

Be warned that confronting him is likely to end up with him denying everything. You may need to be prepared to ask him to give you space and time to consider your marriage given the crap sex, distant behaviour, the porn and the escort agencies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 10:31:54

BTW... the instruction 'don't wait up'. Would I be right in thinking that he only ever calls you from work but doesn't like you calling him there? I know someone, you see, who works unsociable hours and is away from home but calls his DW every night at 9pm, just to see how she is and let her know he's OK .... usually from his car outside his OW's house. shock

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 10:35:03

Good times. That made me think. Not much tbh. He is too tired to take ds to footie at weekends and ds plays him up so he says it's better I do it. It all depends what I organise really, he hasnt time himself with the hours.

I knw he will say its all rubbish, but he will then go to the gym, come back and sit in front of the tv til he falls asleep. If I say come to bed what if he says no?

Not sure how to find anything out anyway . He goes to see suppliers etc so has so many excuses for not being there. All I can do is tell him what I suspect and see what he says. He made me apologise last time I asked if he up to anything though. He was so angry I even thought that, but he used to want it all t time. I am a lot bigger now, and I do complain a lot as he doesn't help with the dc's it's like having a lodger around tbh.

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 10:37:06

He only calls on mobile and I only call his mobile. He is never at his desk, always somewhere in the hotel.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Oct-12 10:39:09

The angry defensiveness is very telling.

As I have said, you do not have to put up with being married to this man - you do not need "evidence".

Seth Thu 11-Oct-12 10:41:50

Hi

Sorry to say everything you describe that is happening to you is word for word what happened to me before my then H left.

It was all of that behaviour that prompted me to start checking his phone.I found a text saved in drafts that had a mans name but clearly not meant for a man. I confronted him and yes, like others got the fob offs 'your paranoia is going to break this marriage up in the end' etc so make sure you are prepared for this, and denials. You don't mention his phone but his sudden protective nature of his was one of the just telling signs-has this changed?

Sorry you are going through this.The angst and stomach churning that you may be going through is awful.I hope you get to the bottom of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 10:45:28

Mobiles can be deceptive because, like the person I know, they can say they are in one place and be somewhere entirely different. Try a landline call to his office... easy to fudge a 'sorry, his mobile must be out of range, do you know where I could find him?' type story. Then see if what they say tallies with what he tells you when you speak on the mobile.

Rather than telling him 'what you suspect' in the meantime just set out the things you're not happy with. The preference for gyms over interacting with the children, the 3am things, falling asleep in front of the TV, the escort service/porn sites.... the emotional distance. Those are all legitimate problems that need discussing whatever else is going on.

KirstyWirsty Thu 11-Oct-12 12:45:25

Yes Cogito My STBXH was supposed to be on training in the Sottish Borders but was actually on a mini break in Perthshire ..

Apples I needed to get proof but it sounds like you are not happy with a lot of things - quite often people on here have advised making out you know what is going on and then let them fill the gaps - perhaps you could try that?

Sorry you are going through this - it is horrible but you will come out the other side a happier person .. about 13 stone lighter as well smile

KirstyWirsty Thu 11-Oct-12 12:47:09

And honin .. my STBXH's favourite contact on his phone was 'John Smith' - a colleague's name from work.. I wish I'd looked into it in more detail at the time as it would have spared me another 6 months of anguish

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 17:34:35

Well I just called him to see when he would be home and he his phones off. So I called the hotel and no one could find him. I not know who was more embarressed, me or reception. Hope he gets home soon, am quite fired up.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 11-Oct-12 21:36:38

Did you talk ti him OP?

SorryMyLollipop Thu 11-Oct-12 21:59:38

It all sounds very dodgy to me, especially the defensiveness. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

ChristmasKate Thu 11-Oct-12 22:07:17

Doesn't sound good but could his battery have died? When you say he will become early is that before midnight?

Iwouldratherbemuckingout Thu 11-Oct-12 22:12:06

Cogito - eek! That could be my DH, always calls me at 9 pm works away from home .... Not Derby is it?

And have actually passed the 12 month mark since we last had sex, which makes me useless at answering OP.

But OP as others have said trust your instinct, as any DH worth his salt would want to reassure you surely .... So would rather you said what was wrong. God luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 23:04:45

Not Derby, Alderley Edge.... Outwardly he's such a responsible family guy, salt-of-the-earth, dull as ditch-water type that I think that's how he gets away with it.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 11-Oct-12 23:23:47

Dp admitted to having various women saved as men on his iPhone! one of them was a John, bloody original aren't they!

Op so sorry you're going through this uncertainty. Do you have a friend you can confide in? How far away is his work from you? Is it possible to check that his car is there on a night he says he's working?

Seth Fri 12-Oct-12 00:18:58

Bloody hell ...we all know they have the script but mine also had her name saved as John.thick twats!

applesandpies Fri 12-Oct-12 03:40:50

Woke up and can't sleep. This is a bit long now, sorry

Looking good, , I havent anyone I can talk to really. Dh used to be my best friend. We are new to the area and moved twice in the last 2 years as dh was promoted. Big enough moves to live miles from friends and have to make new ones which takes time. Family are useless tbh. It's only my dm and she is very old and sick. I can't go and check as it woud mean getting the dc into the car and anyway he could be out with another manager plus it's a hotel! If it's someone at work the bedrooms are easy to find!

I called him about 10.30 and hs phone was still off. Called hotel again and there was a vague panic- I could HEAR it when I insisted someone find him as he had to call me ASAP.
He came back about 11 -about 10mins after i called-and said hs phone battery had died. I said I had called the hotel and he didn't react just asked who I spoke to.

Yes we did talk. So confused as its all so plausible and not sure at all.

Porn - its just stuff on the Internet and he said he should be allowed to look at what he likes.

Escort agency- said same as above. I pressed him and he sad he was just interested in what they charged as a one of the waitresses had told him what she could earn if she went that route. He said he was curious. I got upset at this and asked if he had called them for business - he said I was crazy and he was stressed from work to come home to ths.

Holidays- tried to say its because we spent a part of the holiday with his parents and he felt uncomfortable. Total bollocks as never affected him before.

Sex as in what happened the other night. Tried to tell me he had come once and t was the second time. Can believe he thought I was that stupid.

Sex in general. Too tired, I don't make an effort. I am not affectionate enough. Plus I say no a lot - well, he gets in very late and if have gone to bed I don't like being woken up. I am not adventurous enough. All true nowadays but don't feel like it with all this behaviour and I am uncomfortable with performing which is how I feel it would be iykwim . He then wanted sex and I found it all really awful. Just wished I was somewhere else. He says he loves me and I must be crazy to thnk all this.

I didn't get to him spending more time with the dc. It was too late. I asked if he woud take ds to football tomorrow morning and he said no and laughed it was too early. I now take dd as well as he just puts the tv on and goes back to bed. She is only 3 and I feel she coud get in all srs of trouble left like that. I also feel embarressed at football. I am the only mum alone there. All the other dads make it which reallly annoys me.

What do you think, I am very confused and exhausted. I don't want to be like ths. We used to be happysad

kiwigirl42 Fri 12-Oct-12 03:50:06

He is treating your house like a hotel and is up to something, hence the evasiveness when you ring the hotel. I think you know he is lying through his teeth. You and the kids deserve a lot better. I am so sorry you are in this position ((hugs))

Longdistance Fri 12-Oct-12 04:03:18

He's talking bullshit IMO. Keep pressing, and getting answers.

He's only giving you a pack of lies. It doesn't add up to me.

dondon33 Fri 12-Oct-12 04:44:53

So sorry Apples but it does look like he's up to no good. At the very least he's checked himself out of your family.

Can I ask what would have happened if there was an emergency tonight, say one of the DC's bumped their head badly enough for a visit to A & E or you took a tumble on the stairs? How the hell were you meant to inform him if - A) his battery died and B) none of the staff actually knew where the fuck he was???
I don't find that acceptable at all, especially when you have children.

Porn - He's an arse! If it's affecting his relationship with his wife then he should not be "doing as he likes" His time would be better spent trying with you, his wife, to sort out the issues that are present instead of pointing the blame in your direction and lying about faked orgasms.

Escort Agency - What an utter crock of shite! why would someone feel the need to verify something like that, that they were told by a co-worker???
Honestly Apples if the history is still there or you remember the name I'd now turn detective - get the web page up, write down the telephone number for future reference (check his mobile & bills to see if it's on there) While on the site - try to log in with any Email accounts you are aware of but you'll need access to them for the next stage - still on the site, after putting Email, click the forgot password link and it will send a new one to his account - you can then log in (if he's registered, of course)

Also - who the hell has business meetings until 3/4 in the morning after a hard days work? People I know in the Restaurant/Hotel business go in early if there's a lengthy meeting going on not stay behind after.

You're already living like a single parent Apples, obviously not financially etc.. but emotionally, physically and psychologically. I agree with Kiwi above - he is treating your house as his personal Hotel, but also treating you as the cook, cleaner, childcare provider.

Try to take care of yourself Apples, try to eat and sleep as best you can.
You're NOT crazy, I think you know that yourself, don't let him fob you off if your instincts tell you there's something wrong - unfortunately they're usually right. How wrong? only he has the answer to that.

ballstoit Fri 12-Oct-12 05:12:29

apples - if your gut reaction is that there is something wrong, then there is something wrong. Whether he's having an affair, using prostitutes, or what is not the issue in my view. You are not happy, and he doesn't care.

I spent too long with my ex trying to get proof of what was going on. Eventually (with help from friends), I realised that proving it wasn't necessary. The only thing I needed to know was that I didn't trust him, didn't like the way he treated me and our family life, and he wasn't prepared to make any effort to change things.

Ex-H reacted in a similar way to your H whenever I raised the subject, laughing at me and telling me I was paranoid. That isn't the reaction of a loving husband who cares about his wife's feelings.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 07:49:57

I agree with the above about not beating yourself up looking for proof. Stripping away all the flim-flam about phones with dead batteries and checking escort sites what you've got is a man that pays you very little attention, doesn't seem to care very much about your feelings or want to engage in family life & is mostly concerned that you should roll over and have sex when he fancies it.

What makes me feel most sorry for you was that he heard all your concerns, dismissed them as ridiculous, insulted your intelligence and then seemed to think that what would really cheer you up was a fuck..... says it all really.

Donkeysdontridebicycles Fri 12-Oct-12 11:53:33

Sorry OP this doesn't look good I am not surprised you are unsettled and anxious. Your DH hasn't allayed your fears has he?

I don't have any useful suggestions I'm afraid other than do you have a joint account together, do you have access to money, not saying he is going to flit but please get a handle on money and if you are renting or have bought a place, please consider whether your name is on anything, how secure is your home etc.

He will have a roof over his head if he does walk and is already shirking dad duty whether or not he is already unfaithful. He has swatted off your concern like an irritating mosquito. Please don't react by trying to become Superwife to win him round.

applesandpies Sat 13-Oct-12 13:19:28

We don't have a property, we get accommodation with work. I have access to all the banking, more than him really as he leaves it all to me. He doesn't know the online banking passwords for instance. All accounts are joint.

Mobiles are awful. I once overheard a man at green park in London tell the caller he was still in Madrid love, be back at the weekend. And the bf told me he stayed in a co workers house in London as he worked there during the week. At a company barbecue the co worker looked amazed as he didn't have a house in London. He dropped bf right in it, then asked me out for dinner. He was married as well. And no , I told him to get stuffed.

But dh- he has promised from now on to come to football which is a start. However today he had to pop to work for an hour and just called to say they are short staffed and won't be home til later but will take the dc swimming and cook dinner.

He has stopped drinking at home and work,but now complains bitterly should I have a G&t as its unfair
I can't work his phone to see what messages he has sent, but did find an incoming text which just said hi.... I wrote the number down as there was no name.

When he is here we find it hard to function as a family as he is away so much. The dc go wild and he buys the presents and doesnt get involved in disciple as he wants them to enjoy the time he can be with them. In his business so many people are divorced because of this. I asked him to come to counselling but he flat refused as he said he wasn't paying good money to listen to me bitching .

What next ? I Have no money of my own and it's a pretty miserable prospect for the dc otherwise. I have to decide whether to put up with it or move on I guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 13-Oct-12 13:36:24

"he wasn't paying good money to listen to me bitching "

Oh dear. confused When someone treats your genuine concerns as 'bitching', there's not a lot of scope. Put up or move on is about the size of the choice in front of you. You already know what 'put up with it' looks like so I'd recommend you research the reality of moving on with people like CAB, solicitors etc.

dondon33 Sat 13-Oct-12 15:28:19

So he's made a few promises today and already back tracked on them angry
Would his work not have called him earlier if he was needed to cover staff?

he wasn't paying good money to listen to me bitching shock
What a guy!!! His wife is actively trying to sort out the problems and that's his reaction. Says it all really.

Agree with Cogito about the researching. It won't hurt to be get clued up.

applesandpies Sun 14-Oct-12 17:38:56

I have thought quite hard about this and have decided to get myself in a better position without doing anything rash. I am going to ensure I know all the money movements and where cash is going, bank accounts and so forth. I am going to complete my degree and sort myself out by losing weight and having some projects- just for me, stuff needs doing anyway. It means I will raise my self esteem and be in better position to start working when dc start school in a years time. I also think we should buy a property in an area we would like to live as a bolt hole in case we need it, we can rent it out for now.

Dh says he will start to get more involved and juggle work better, so we are going to keep a calendar of his hours and try to arrange babysitters to get time together and he can see why I am so fed up. I am also going to try to make friends and get them over as a couple so he can talk to other dads. Phew. At least I have a workable plan that has an aim which works if we split eventually or stay together! I hopesmile

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 18:15:55

I'm pleased you feel you're making progress but do remember that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. You may have frightened him into toeing the line for the time being but be careful he doesn't give it a few days for the fuss to die down and then go back to his old ways. Keep the pressure on and keep checking he's where he says he is....

dondon33 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:59:19

> What cogito said.
Good luck Apples x

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 15:49:12

I feel such an idiot. He went out a few nights ago for a suppliers dinner. He got back after 3am really drunk. Today I went to iron the shirt he wearing tht night and all the buttons were off it. It's in perfect condition otherwise. I asked him about it and he said he wondered when I would notice that, and he had got into a fight, and also lost the chain round his neck, which I hadn't noticed. I was furious and saidi didn't want to hear about this kind of crap. I then said I didn't believe him and I expect he left it at someone's house. Or as a keepsake. He said oh that again you're mad. I said that was a standard response from men cheating. He shut up and was a bit quiet then left for evening shift.

I have a vision of him being in such a hurry to get undressed he popped all the buttons off. The top button and the bottom button are still there. And there is no mark on his neck should his chain be torn off.

I'm a mug aren't I sad sad

ballstoit Tue 16-Oct-12 17:49:28

Oh Apples sad. You're not a mug, you're just trying to keep your family together.

It's not getting better though is it?

MaBaya Tue 16-Oct-12 18:19:49

He is taking the utter piss.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 18:22:12

I think you are having the proverbial piss taken out of you, yes. Sorry. This man is a liar. You know, he knows it. Why are you still with him ?

ZenNudist Tue 16-Oct-12 18:27:07

Sorry apples, sounds like the worst situ. If you kicked him out bet he'd soon hole up with OW. Then you'd know. Be smart. Dont confront him yet. Get some legal advice, sort your finances. Don't worry about college courses or weight loss. That's just an excuse to put off the inevitable. You need to escalate this situation.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Oct-12 19:11:45

That didn't take long angry

You deserve so much better than this piss taking twat.

Actions speak so much louder than words sad and his actions are NOT backing up his words.

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 16-Oct-12 19:25:39

Think the suggestion to seek legal advice is sound. I honestly don't think it's fair on you to try and sit tight and put up with so little respect. I'm not saying doing anything rash just find out how you stand.

dondon33 Tue 16-Oct-12 19:47:45

You're not a mug Apples, just someone who wanted to believe her H meant what he said.
I find your explanation of events to be more believable/likely than his - Sorry angry
You deserve so much better and so do your DC.

Mayisout Tue 16-Oct-12 20:11:56

Is he worried you might get pregnant so stopped midway through sex.

Whatever is going on you are not in a happy position just now in your relationship with him.

I would look at what the situation would be if he did leave or you both decided to separate for a while. Check on the financial situation, who owns the house, what benefits you might be entitiled to etc etc

There is a legal section on here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters where someone might be able to help. It might be premature but if you know what the worst scenario might be it will stop going round and round in your head and perhaps you can decide how you want to go forward with the present problems and might not feel so helpless (as he appears to be controlling the situation to suit him at present).

carmenelectra Tue 16-Oct-12 20:25:13

OP he is taking the raving piss. Affair or not, he is being a complete and utter aresole.
The whole job thing doesn't add up to me. He's got got kids and still prefers to spend long late hours socialising or doing work related stuff(appaerently). I for one, would not want to be in a relationship with a man who had to attend functions etc as its nearly always dodgy in my opinion.

I would seriously also like to know why staff are lying for him! Its making me mad on your behalf. Agree with poster who said what if any of u were seriously ill? I would ring work next time he is in and ask for him. If the person on the phone flaps then I'd ask for their name. I'd march up there and ask them why they are lying. Mioght nake me look mental but don't care.

Also how big is this fucking hotel and how important is he? Doesn't he have a work mobile or some kind of radio on the shop floor so he's contactable?

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 20:26:39

No, we would both love more dcssmile but maybe he just says that. We don't own a house, we get one with work. All our accounts are joint and I control the money- he hates all that, he doesn't even carry a card or cash really.

Talked to him again tonight but he had lots of plausible excuses plus he was just like he used to be. I am boring myself with my problems and no answers. I can't talk to friends, since we move so much I have lost the intimacy. I did mention to a good friend in August we might be having problems and she was so horrified I gave up and backtracked.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 20:32:13

for christ sake, don't bring more dc's into this

I don't get the smile either. He was "just like he used to be" to get you to STFU then back to business as usual, for both of you sad

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 20:33:02

why have you name changed mid-thread, OP ?

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 16-Oct-12 20:33:13

Earlier you said he's been your best friend sad Best friends don't treat each other like this.

VBisme Tue 16-Oct-12 20:54:23

Not only is he very likely to be having an affair, but she wants you to know about it.
You don't rip buttons off unless you're doing it for a reason (it doesn't take that long to undo them).
Get yourself out of the situation, it sucks, and he isn't doing anything for your self esteem.

Hmm...seems dodgy to me. Id do some serious investigating.

I hope for the sake of you and DC he isnt messing around but it sounds to me like he is sad

If I ironed one of DPs shirts and figured they had no buttons I would hit the roof and have him straight out.

If it was just a fight - why didnt he tell you sooner hmm

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 21:19:34

Happyhalloween I havent named changed in this thread- I name changed for this thread as people in rl know me, I think that's ok by mnhq? Not sure why you think I namechanged midway?

I am still with him as he can give the dc a far better life than I can alone. I have no money and having looked into it, we will be worse off if I up and leave with no proof or concrete reason.

I don't think his staff are lying they just don't know where he is. It's a big place- very deluxe expensive etc so he has a good relationship with people who come there, he has to, it's needed for his job. This is normal for his profession.

Agree ripping shirt is a way of telling me, but why didn't he just put the shirt in the hotel laundry like he normally does? That answers my own question I guess, he wants me to know or he is telling the truth and just chucked it in the laundry room as its unwearable unless I replace the buttons.

Zen, I like your advice, however we have had an offer accepted on a house we liked and its still for sale, and will be receiving the papers soon to sign and go ahead. I like the idea of having somewhere to go, I have nowhere to go. And ds is in school etc. it's eay to say leave but practically it's really not going to work.
We are not even living in the uk right now, we were relocated abroad with the company.
I am feeling defensive on this thread now which I am sure is case of head in sand.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 21:23:05

You have namechanged mid thread, you no longer have the small "a"

Applesandpies Tue 16-Oct-12 21:30:40

Happyhalloween, I have no idea what you mean aand it looks the same on my ipad when I page down. As I say, I have namechanged for this particular thread, I am on others as my normal mn name. This is the least of my worries tbh, please. I havent namechanged midway and I resent you fussing about it. I need advice and an ear for my relationship issues not this fandango.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 16-Oct-12 21:32:37

I assumed it was a mistake, or a way to stop him finding your thread. Which is fair enough.

JustFabulous Tue 16-Oct-12 21:38:48

You say you are in charge of the money.

You say you money of your own.

The money belongs to both of you.

Sandinmyshoes Wed 17-Oct-12 13:11:07

She means that at the start of the thread you were applesandpies and now you are Applesandpies... (just clarifiying)

I hope you're OK today. It sounds like a horrible situation, especially when you are overseas. Regardless of whether or not he's playing away he's not treating you respectfully at all. This needs to change for your kids sake. You two are their example of what to expect from a marriage. If you are staying for their sake, change it for their sake. Most kids would take less money and happier parents over the situation you describe any day.

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