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Have you ever asked anyone out?

(100 Posts)
ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 20:43:10

I am told that women do this nowadays! Don't know if I would get over the rejection if the answer was no. Am I just being sexist? Or just old...

OhEmGee24 Mon 08-Oct-12 20:44:22

No way!

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 20:45:06

Ok. For the reasons I have, or others...

riverboat Mon 08-Oct-12 20:47:46

Yes, but only after enough flirting and pointed comments from him about how nice a certain pub in the area was, that I was 100% sure that a) he wanted me to ask him out and b) I wouldn't be rejected!

TBH if I thought there was any chance of rejection I probably wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it.

BillyBollyBandy Mon 08-Oct-12 20:47:59

Yes i have. He said yes but it didn't end well, I think he thought as I had asked I was keen and read that as he could be a cocky twat.

Or maybe he was just a cocky twat.

Ohhhhh just remembered I asked a lad out when I was a teenager and that ended very well wink

suebfg Mon 08-Oct-12 20:49:08

Yes, and I married him over 12 years ago.

BillyBollyBandy Mon 08-Oct-12 20:49:12

And I asked my ex for his phone number and called him to arrange a date. I get about a bit don't I.

DH asked me though smile

hatesponge Mon 08-Oct-12 20:50:47

I have - not in a completely direct 'will you go out with me' way to a total stranger, but I have suggested drinks etc to male friends/acquaintances I was interested in (and where I hoped there was some mutual attraction). I have been entirely unsuccessful but I'm not sure that would put me off in future.

And don't be put off by my failings, I have RIDICULOUSLY bad luck when it comes to men and therefore my negative experience is unlikely to be representative smile

OhEmGee24 Mon 08-Oct-12 20:51:27

Well I've never been in a position where I've liked someone and it's just been one sided so never faced the decision of "Should I, Shouldn't I". But I doubt I would.

xEmilyJx Mon 08-Oct-12 20:52:47

I have. We were on a night out and I knew he was interested so I just asked him.

Still together 4 and a half years on smile

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 20:53:44

Billy I worry about that too! Sue why did he not ask you. Was he just shy? Ha, sponge!

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 20:54:32

xEmily was yours shy too?

purpleroses Mon 08-Oct-12 20:56:36

Nah, I've mostly chickend out for the same reasons as you. Better to flirt and see if he picks up on it. Though I did once resort to the schoolgirl type "can you get your mate to find out if X fancies me..." kind of behaviour blush

I think blokes would mostly say they'd be pleased if a woman asked them out, but most women like to feel that they were the one that the bloke was after rather than being the only one who asked him out, if that makes any sense.

xEmilyJx Mon 08-Oct-12 20:58:47

Parsley He was nervous as I am younger than him and he has said he didn't want to pressure or rush me into a relationship.

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Oct-12 20:59:45

I asked STBXH out, but I was exceedingly drunk at the time, or else I would not have had the nerve. i really fancied him, but didnt think that he liked me....

I did ask another bloke once, as he flirted terribly with me, so I asked him outright if he fancied me and he said no, he was just having a laugh with me ....

Yes, my Dh grin

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 21:03:32

River and Purple, that makes sense. I think some blokes do like to be asked out, but I have known some macho types who probably wouldn't. Not that I want one of those...

Annunziata Mon 08-Oct-12 21:04:23

No but it was me who told (now) DH, then boyfriend that I wanted us to have sex. His face was hilarious grin

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 21:05:40

monster and anyone else who is still with them. Please tell me why they didn't ask you first!

LaundryFairy Mon 08-Oct-12 21:06:15

Yes, many times (the last one being my husband of 16 years). I had some good male friends when I was a teenager and they encouraged me to be brave and ask guys out. According to my friends, men would always be grateful to have the pressure taken off them for once. And so I have asked lots of lovely men out over the years (although always someone I had met through work / uni / mutual friends etc.). Every one said yes to at least a nice drink or meal out, most didn't turn into relationships, but I'll forever be thankful that I asked DH out (and later asked him to marry me!)

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 21:09:09

Annun what sort of a face was it?!

stookiesackhouse Mon 08-Oct-12 21:12:28

Have not ever read The Rules?

Tisn't allowed grin

AnastasiaSteele Mon 08-Oct-12 21:13:38

Many times. In fact I've probably asked out more than I've asked out. I tend to get asked out by people I am not interested in, and have to ask out the people I am interested in.

My first boyfriend has to think about it. He put me out of my misery three days later, we went out for a whole month. Then I got the 'it's not you it's me' speech. Oh the pain of a teenage broken heart....

hatesponge Mon 08-Oct-12 21:13:47

Just remembered one (probably my only!) success smile

I met someone once on a night out and thought he was the most amazing man. I didn't know if he felt the same (didn't think it possible) but he was so great I literally couldn't bear to let him get away.

So at the end of the evening I pounced and kissed him blush

He later told me that he would NEVER have made the first move because he thought I was far too good to ever be interested in him. I thought the reverse.

It ended up being the best relationship I've ever had.

Purely on the basis of how lovely he was, I'd say it's worth the risk grin

Annunziata Mon 08-Oct-12 21:13:58

Well I was 15 and he was 16.

So partly OMG she said that? shock
YES she said that grin
OMG I'm going to have sex grin
SHIT I'm going to have sex shock hmm blush

All in one. It still makes me laugh.

LaundryFairy Mon 08-Oct-12 21:16:14

I think DH didn't ask first because he is a shy. Also, When we met, it wasn't a case of 'holy-moly-sparks-flying', more 'he seems really nice - I fancy getting to know him better', so it wasnt like I felt I was waiting for him to pick up on some kind of signal from me. I really think this whole business of women expecting to have to wait to be asked is fundamentally wrong. How are we meant to have equality in our relationships if we can't even ask men out?

BreakingGlass Mon 08-Oct-12 21:17:22

Yes. But if I waited for the man to ask me out, I'd waiting a long time and nothing would ever get done.

MothershipG Mon 08-Oct-12 21:24:46

DH and I were work colleagues, then we were friends, then I started to fancy him and hinted and hinted until I was practically drawing him a map, so then I jumped his bones...does that count? grin

He is ridiculous shy with the social skills of an amoeba but completely fab and now it's 16 years, 1 wedding and 2 DC later. smile

Twenty six years ago I rang up a lovely man who I worked with and asked him out. I was scared stiff as I was worried that he might reject me. But I fancied him so much and was fed up with waiting for him to ask me.

Very soon it will be our Silver Wedding Anniversary smile

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 21:33:09

fairy see I agree with you about equality, but I don't want to misinterpret(sp) a situation, and have them thinking 'eww'...!

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 08-Oct-12 21:37:40

I feel a bit...encouraged!

MushroomSoup Mon 08-Oct-12 22:06:28

Do it, do it, do it!

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 22:41:13

OP, how did you meet him, and how long ago?

I'm also thinking of asking someone out, but am also very nervous. Glad you've posted and got some encouraging stories! I'm too cowardly to ask face to face blush but I have his mobile and e-mail and probably will text him just suggesting a coffee. I'm not going to see him anytime soon, so just as well. Only met him recently so I thought I have nothing to lose. If you work with him that's very different though.

Maybe you don't have to do it face to face either, if the reaction is 'unsure' it's so cringeworthy for a woman! Mind you, men go through this all their lives, so indeed why shouldn't we.

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 22:43:14

Oh, and my guy is younger quite a bit! has anyone had a success in this situation, I wonder?

I asked every boyfriend i had out. Dh is the only one i didn't!

If you know they like you suggesting a drink is no big deal.

And i was a shy person really, so if i can do it anyone can.

PanonOlympus Mon 08-Oct-12 23:01:53

Bloke here..I've been asked out a couple of times..and it was no problem. Generally, men will take an aaaage to get round to actually do the asking (And then often after some dutch courage has been imbided..)

Just do it.

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:02:57

bringback, how did you get the courage if you were shy grin? were you sure of their attraction/have they dropped hints?

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:07:21

PanonO, patience is supposed to be a feminine virtue, but obviously not so grin.
Interesting how it went from there, in your experience, did you then take over so to speak, or did you feel laid-back and let them run the show? Personally I wouldn't like the bloke to relax too much or to be over-confident just because I've approached him.

PanonOlympus Mon 08-Oct-12 23:10:15

Well,neither - once you start chatting and getting to know each other, all of the rules apply. It's just getting the stuff actually off the ground is the big barrier.

Patience is a female virtue??? Just what sort of women have you been hanging around with?grin

WinklyFriedChicken Mon 08-Oct-12 23:11:17

Yes

Once a man from work that had been flirting outrageously with me - he said 'no my girlfriend wouldn't like it' (his girlfriend wouldn't like that he cheated on her multiple times to my knowledge either, but that's not really relevant)

Also asked out my ex-boyfriend, we dated for a while then split up because we had nothing in common whatsoever, but it was fun while it lasted and I don't regret it.

What's the worst thing that can happen if you say "Shall we go for a coffee sometime?" Actually getting the response 'no my girlfriend wouldn't like it' is probably one of the worst things grin

Worley Mon 08-Oct-12 23:12:54

I did when I was 17 and he was 19..he said no.. he came back from uni two years later and asked me out and I said no.. out of spite sad now I really regret not going out with him when he asked.. but he damaged my pride when he said no to me..
stupid pride.. my life would have taken such a different route..

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:13:49

Panon, thanks, that's good.

Did you never say 'no' when being asked out? If you didn't fancy going out, how would you phrase it? just trying to be ready for the worst case scenario before I take the plunge. OP probably too!

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:15:40

Panon - I'm the least patient of all grin, but it's a cliche, isn't it!
and from the point of view that most women still do wait to be asked out, maybe it's quite true.

perplexedpirate Mon 08-Oct-12 23:17:06

Yes, several times (different men, obvs).
Rejected maybe once, but it's not the end of the world, and I wouldn't be with DH now if one of us hadn't made a move (and as he seemed content to moon at me over a pint in silence it was always going to be me grin).

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:21:13

Winkly, I've had that one before (my WIFE wouldn't like it shock - didn't know he was married). I'd say that's fine as presumably he rejects every woman for this reason. Well, not in case of your flirt at work hmm!

I think the worst is when he doesn't have a clear reason and mumbles something in embarassment. That's why i don't ask face to face grin.

Gosh yes. And in the olden days (ie 90s wink) too.

PanonOlympus Mon 08-Oct-12 23:23:02

allchange, and OP - don't focus on the rejection possibility. If you do that you'll look silly and a bit unattractive at first sight. Do expect a man to be all flustered and nervous ( not expecting it), but stay with it. He will be all "WTF??" but will recover.

fwiw no, I didn't say no. And had no regrets.....smile

expatinscotland Mon 08-Oct-12 23:23:17

No

Brycie Mon 08-Oct-12 23:25:15

Yes, my husband. Winner.

hatesponge Mon 08-Oct-12 23:27:20

The worst one that happened to me was a friend of a friend. I'd spent a lot of time initially helping him with a claim he was making, but as time went on he used to phone/text me about other stuff too, his house, work, football etc. This went on for months and I felt we had a rapport. In the end just before his birthday I text him and said that we should go for a drink to celebrate - cant remember exactly what I said but I put it better than that anyway. And his text response?

'No, I don't want to'.

I've never heard from him since. My only small consolation is that he's still single (but then I am too, so it's a Pyrrhic victory!)

That's probably the worst outcome. Chances are it won't be anywhere NEAR as bad as that, and quite possibly a lot better smile

Startailoforangeandgold Mon 08-Oct-12 23:28:18

No, but I offered a student I liked a lift home from a conference and invited myself to stay on his sofa.

The sofa was several feet deep in books etc.wink

We've been married 22years.

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:30:38

Panon - I'm thinking of asking by text or e-mail, so at least there's no looking unconfident or him being flustered. I'm not going to see mine for ages so I have that excuse too. Nothing wrong with that, d'you think?

PanonOlympus Mon 08-Oct-12 23:36:44

No, probably best if you think he could be a startled fawn type. Any 'being asked out' would be a nice boost! Be fairly casual in the wording, is the only thing I'd suggest. But do it.

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:36:46

hatesponge shock, he probably had issues though as still single. I wonder if he could be gay as he was trying to be friends with you before that.

Yes, I think very few would be so brutal. Especially to new people! I'm pretty sure my guy is attracted to me, but he may say no for all sorts of reasons, e.g. due to age gap or having a GF (even though he acts as if he's single).

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:38:41

thanks Panon, I feel more courage now grin.
All I wanted to do is suggest a coffee/chat, not spell out that I'm attracted (even though it'd be obvious) - is this casual enough?

GockandJuice Mon 08-Oct-12 23:40:01

No! Could NEVER do it. Luckily I've never had to, I've always had plenty of attention from men (what woman doesn't i suppose) but no way, far too scared of rejection! I do feel sorry for men that they are usually expected to be the ones to do it though! Must be scary!

akaemmafrost Mon 08-Oct-12 23:42:21

Yes I have. Never been turned down wink.

hatesponge Mon 08-Oct-12 23:44:37

He's not gay, he does have major issues though. His ideal girlfriend would look like a WAG/girl from TOWIE but with a brain and a professional career. He is 37 this year and I predict will still be single and still living in the boxroom in his parents house in 10 years time. Although at the rate I'm going, I'll still be single then too!

allchange I'm sure you'll get a better outcome than me, at absolute worst it will be a polite refusal, and more likely a yes smile

crackcrackcrak Mon 08-Oct-12 23:45:14

Yes many times. Shrug

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:46:33

emmafrost, do you have a very good gut instinct though, i.e. sure that they wd be interested? or are you so stunning that they fall at your feet grin?
I can't say that my instinct is that reliable.

PanonOlympus Mon 08-Oct-12 23:47:34

Chat? CHAT?? You mean..actual face-to-face stuff?? grin Yes, but if he has any sense whatsoever and fancies you he'll come up with an event (play, cinema etc..) to impress you.
Good luck!

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:49:32

thanks hatesponge, I hope so (a yes)..
Oh well, if he has sky high expectations then he's digging himself into a hole, or he could be scared of real relationships/closeness behind all this.

allchangeplease Mon 08-Oct-12 23:52:37

thanks Panon. If it's a success I will report. we did chat away last time, but this was at his work place, so I mean a private chat grin.

OhDearSpareHeadTwo Mon 08-Oct-12 23:55:09

I once asked a man out because I was so keen on him I was too impatient to wait for him to make the first move.

7 years, 1 house, 3 cars, 5 cats, 1 daughter and 1 marriage later I still can't get rid of him wink

akaemmafrost Mon 08-Oct-12 23:55:48

A bit of both really grin. No, it's instinct. I would never ask if I didn't know a bit of background and there was the remotest chance of being turned down. I can sense whether they are receptive.

OhDearSpareHeadTwo Mon 08-Oct-12 23:57:15

monster and anyone else who is still with them. Please tell me why they didn't ask you first!

He would have done but was playing it cool for a couple of days. I don't do "playing it cool" and was keen to get hold of him before any other female could beat me to it

OhDearSpareHeadTwo Mon 08-Oct-12 23:59:29

And said asking out happened like this

"Hi, it's SpareHeadTwo, we met sitting on that mental health prisoner last night. Do you fancy going out for a beer some time ?"

Several hours later I got something like

"Sorry, been at comedy club and just got your text. What are you doing tomorrow night, meet you at the Greenhouse at 8pm"

And that, as they say, was that

allchangeplease Tue 09-Oct-12 00:10:21

OhDear grin, yes why take your chances - and what a way to meet!

emmafrost, I knew you were a looker grin. I have no way to find out his background though (i.e. is there a GF), but I definitely sensed he was receptive. It's just ime feeling attraction doesn't always mean they want to act on it. Some just like an ego boost, distraction, not single, etc. But I'll give it a go.

BertieBotts Tue 09-Oct-12 00:46:16

I've asked loads of people out! They've nearly always said yes grin

BertieBotts Tue 09-Oct-12 00:47:21

I think I might have jumped DP also when we first started going out, even though he expressed an interest first, I at first said I wasn't interested. Then changed my mind.

ParsleyTheLioness Tue 09-Oct-12 07:57:00

Thanks all, that's interesting. So, by text is the way to go. If I decide to do it. I think he is interested, a bit. Met him through normal life stuff, don't work with him. Sometimes IME blokes give off push me/pull you mixed messages. But at least it would sort that out early on!
Pan how would you say no if you didn't fancy her? Need to know this!

Yes, he was incredulous that someone like me would want to date him.

We went out for a few months

In the end, I agreed with him and dumped.

Molehillmountain Tue 09-Oct-12 10:51:14

Yes. We've been married ten years this year smile

Molehillmountain Tue 09-Oct-12 10:53:33

Why didn't they ask? He says he fancied me but was much more laid back about that stuff. We debate every so often if he would have got round to it eventually. I don't really care!

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 10-Oct-12 16:04:50

Hmmmmm....two minds about this. I could ask him, but I don't want him to think I'm desperate, and mess me about. I have no judgement about whether this is likely to happen or not!

Emandlu Wed 10-Oct-12 16:09:41

I went over and chatted up a guy in a nightclub that I liked once. We've been together 15 years now, married 13.

slug Wed 10-Oct-12 16:36:44

Yes. He has been Mr Slug for 11 years now.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 10-Oct-12 22:04:03

These stories are really lovely though!

sashh Thu 11-Oct-12 09:41:39

I have asked out (in my younger days), and on one occasion I grabbed a guy's pony tail as he was trying to leave with his friends, asked him where he thought he was going and .......... well acording to the friend I was with, she was talking to me, turned to get her drink and by the time she turned back we were playing tonsil hocky.

rach6122 Thu 11-Oct-12 10:50:59

yes, my now dh smile x

Tamoo Thu 11-Oct-12 10:55:54

I've only asked a guy out once in my entire life and he said no. I genuinely thought he'd spent weeks giving me the eye, so I dropped a letter into his work with my phone number etc. He rang and said he was already in a relationship. I couldn't hang up quick enough and would never do it again.

Good luck OP, by the way! wink

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 11-Oct-12 20:35:53

Of course, he might say No! But logic says that The Menz have risked this for many years...

Couragedoesntroar Thu 11-Oct-12 21:29:53

Life is short. The way I see it is, if he's nice, the worst possible outcome is that you have given someone a delightful compliment. How often do any of us get given such a compliment? That is a rewarding thing to have offered. And just maybe he'll be single and interested...

I have male and female friends that I love dearly. We genders are not so different from each other in most ways.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 11-Oct-12 21:39:13

He is single Courage he made a point of telling me...

Wigeon Thu 11-Oct-12 21:43:59

I asked my now-DH out - we were both 20 at the time. The romantic occasion was while he ate a samosa whilst sitting on a churchyard wall by a road. I'm pretty sure he would never have actually asked me out - he's just a bit rubbish like that. But he likes to say that we are even because he proposed!

Got married 4 years after getting together and still married 9 years later.

Ask him out!!

Wigeon Thu 11-Oct-12 21:44:42

Oh, I should have added that DH said "yes" to the asking out!!

FunnysInLaJardin Thu 11-Oct-12 21:46:01

yes, DH 24 years ago. It seemed to work

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 21:46:43

I have never been asked out. I prefer to do the choosing. It hasn't always worked out well. Sometimes have done flirting and making moves and sometimes just completely coldly sent a message asking for a date. Have had abusive twunt ex and one straight up rejection (still my friend). Think rejection is character building! Nothing to be afraid of! Have also ended up with brilliant dh but that did involve a lot of chasing and convincing (not that he should like me but that I liked him).

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 11-Oct-12 21:50:57

Might just do it...

Wigeon Thu 11-Oct-12 21:52:01

Oooh, it's like a live birth thread!

You have to do it now, and then post his reply / replies!

TeaBrick Thu 11-Oct-12 21:52:03

Yes I once screwed up my courage and phoned to ask someone out. He told me to call back in a couple of days and he would think about it shock.
Needless to say I never did call back.

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 21:52:20

The way I see it is either someone's a twunt or they aren't and you only find that out after a while anyway. Someone who thinks you are desperate because you asked them out is a twunt and no loss so dump. It isn't hurtful if you are rejected it simply means one person doesn't fancy going out with you, it says nothing about your worth as a person and could be for a variety of reasons. I think if you fancy going out with someone you have very little to lose from asking them out and much to gain.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 11-Oct-12 21:55:47

I've never asked anyone out but many moons ago I have asked men to dance. Never been refused either - I think they're so flattered that they don't have to do the asking.

<realises she sounds like she old enough to have lived in Jane Austin times>

I'm only in my 40's.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 11-Oct-12 21:58:47

wigeon live birth thread but without kittens! Offred yes, you are right of course. Might as well sort the Menz from the Boyz earlier on, rather than later. I'm not trying to keep you dangling, you lovely peeps, honest!

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 22:01:15

Don't do it just because MN says so. If you aren't ready to do it on your own it could hit you in your self-esteem. Remember each of us that has/does do it has come to it in our own ways and time!

Wigeon Thu 11-Oct-12 22:03:16

Oh, Offred, you are such a killjoy although obviously that's very sensible advice and the OP should clearly listen to you rather than me

Flicktheswitch Thu 11-Oct-12 22:12:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyebluesapphire Thu 11-Oct-12 22:18:08

I just offered a bloke to come round for coffee and a chat any time. He is a man I have known for years, but never that closely. He is also going through a bad divorce.

I like him but am not ready for a relationship. But extending the hand of friendship is a good start to me :-)

It will either happen or it won't but at least I asked..

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 22:41:41

winkgrin wigeon!

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 12-Oct-12 09:07:57

Developments...I have not texted Man, but in a wine fuelled optimistic mood I joined a dating site the other night. A paid one, cos I think you get a better class of the Menz, that are more likely to be serious. Everyone (almost) wants a photo, but the site won't let me upload, or the computer is playing up, and the Not much helpline hasn't got back to me yet. A man has started chatting to me, and he looks and seems ok (not that you ever know) and I have sent him a photo via email. I may never hear from him again!

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