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we are over - mil related (very long so no drip feeding)(50 Posts)
I have posted about problems with mil several times but so as not to drip feed I will give the whole story here...
Dp and I have been together 2 years. I have ds 7 and dd 4, he has dsd also 4. He and her mum had been seperated for 2 years when I met him. We now have ds 12 weeks.
Dp and dsd would often stay over at mine on a weekend, dsd and dd would top and tail a bit like a sleepover, they were both 3 so plenty of room in a single bed.
The first issue I had was when mil offered me a lift to work and when we were alone she said - you shouldn't treat all of the children the same, if dsd is naughty you can't tell her off because she doesn't live with you. even if she is doing the same as your children. she also said, she needs her own bed at your house because everything there is dd's. I told dp about this and we agreed about the bed thing but he wouldn't talk to her about the treating the kids differently because "he wasn't there and didn't hear her say it."
DP moved in, we got the girls bunk beds and things were fine. christmas came and went we spent exactly the same on the kids and dsd stayed over christmas eve. we treated the kids equally as we always try to.
dp's ex asked for more help so they arranged for a 50:50 custody. MIL has dsd a LOT and seeing that would change if we had dsd half the time she put a stop to it. telling Dp's ex that dsd didnt like it here, we didn't treat her specially and that it wasn't fair for her to be treated equally. DP didn't do anything about it.
In may this year mil rings dp drunk, (she has a drink problem and gets drunk every night but still holds down a job etc) saying how he should pick up dsd first because she is his daughter not those other kids, over and over. DP just hung up and wasn't going to mention it again. The next morning when she had sobered up I text her and said we treat the kids fairly, i know you think dsd should get specialy treatment but we treat them all the same and you will have to get used to it. MIL didn't like it, called me a hard faced bitch and to get fucked. DP said he was keeping out of it because it was my fault for texting her.
July comes and we have ds, the day we come home from hospital mil comes to visit and completely ignores me. When he was 2 weeks old dp took ds round there even though he is breast fed and i wasn't welcome. I wasn't happy about it but he went again the next week. she then didn't see ds for 5 weeks, then dp took ds there again, she didn't see him for weeks and then dp went there again. I told dp that she can come round any time, i have no problem with it.
Since ds has been born dp broke his phone so his family text my phone to contact him. if he is not in I always relpy to mil that he's not there but i will pass the message on and get him to call when he comes back. she never replies to these messages.
yesterday - I wake up and dp says my mum wants to come round and see the baby so can you go out please or she won't come. I said no but i will have a shower dry my hair etc and stay out of the way he ince agreed but said i have to stay upstairs.
When she had gone I said, I have done it this time but I won't be staying upstairs everytime she comes round, this is ridiculous and we need to sort it out. I have tried being polite and civil when she texts and get ignored what do you want me to do. DP kicked off saying how it is all my fault, I am evil and trying to keep ds away from his mum. I am just a sweat (nice) and generally giving me grief over it. I told him to leave and he has.
Sorry this is soooo long but is there anything more I could have done or could do or does he need to stand up to his mother (which he refuses to do incase it causes a row).
Didn't want to read and run. I don't have much to say, but I would be very very upset if I had to hide upstairs in my own home so that my DH could have someone round! I wouldn't put up with it, but I don't have children so I don't know how much that would change your perspective.
I hope someone is around to offer you some good advice soon.
He needs to stand up to her, and she cant rule two houses yours and hers at the same time. if he doesnt like it, then he can stay there and she can run his life as per normal I suspect. Sorry op its nowt to do with you and I am surprised you put up with it for this long, its not like you hav'nt tried is it?
You've done the right thing.
He treats you appallingly.
Well I have seen some of your other posts. I said I thought your real problem was with your DP, not your MIL.
I doubt there is anything you could have done differently, except maybe run a mile from this man and his alcoholic mother long before you had a child with him.
It looks like you're going to have a tough few years ahead of you unless he's prepared to move on and leave you alone.
I feel sorry for all the children, who have no choice but to be involved in this awful situation.
He should have stood up to his mother long before now. The fact that he lets his horrible mother treat you this way and then blames you for it says volumes about him. Time to get him and his witch of a mother of your life IMO.
Thanks for relpying all of you. you are all right in what you have said.
Olgaga You were right all along about it being dp, I just needed to open my eyes to it. I feel terrible about dragging the children through this whole mess too but hind sight is a wonderful thing and now that ds is here I wouldn't do it differently if I could. I guess I just have to tough it out and keep things as amicable as I can in regards to contact etc.
spineless partner seriously needs to grow a back bone.
Sounds like my ex mil, and is precisely why I ended up being so thankful I never had kids with xh.
I wonder if your mil was the reason he split with the ex too.
he made you wait upstairs in your own house!? Christ. Run like the wind!
Eagleriderdirk I'm not sure why they split, MIL and dp's ex get on really well and still spend time together now. Largly because dsd spends a lot of time with mil, often for weeks at a time. it suits both ex and mil.
Naatashabee I wasn't best pleased but thought I would compromise since he actually tried to send me out. First thing he says to me when I wake up on a sunday morning!!
whatever else you do Rachog-don't take him back.
Oh Rachog, I hope I didn't sound harsh - I do feel so sad for you. I know that you have tried your level best with this. I'm not quite sure what to advise, but IMO if you are breastfeeding, your baby son is far too young to spend very long without you, at that age even a couple of hours is a very long time.
I think I'd want to keep him and his mother out of your home - especially if she has alcohol problems.
Has he actually left, and taken his stuff?
I didn't think you were harsh at all Olgaga you said what I would have thought, if it wasn't my own ds, if that makes any sense?
He left yesterday, he has yet to take his stuff. The funny thing is, he refuses to go back to his mums, (which is where he lived before he moved in with me) because he doesn't want to (and I quote) "give her the satisfaction". I assume he is at a mates.
Thanks Doha, I will.
Sounds like you are well rid. I bet he runs back to mummy when his mate gets sick of him. Don't go back to this spineless toad. And congrats on your baby!
thanks glastocat he is a lovely baby, shame about the dad. I am all for being close to your mum but seriously if she crosses the line she needs to be pulled up on it.
The fact he has gone seemingly so easily is the saddest thing here I think....u poor thing.
He needs to grow up and support u with your mil, he needs to think about his new baby and the consequences of this.
Pack his stuff and put it outside for him to collect. He's a prick and she's a bitch.
Figgygal he will think he is giving me a day or two to calm down and that he can just walk straight back in. He is in for a suprise, I have well and truly had enough!
I wish he would grow up and support me but she is his mum, apparently that means she is exempt from norml civil behviour.
He seriously needs to grow a pair . What a spineless excuse for a human being ! Ordering you out of your own home to allow that abusive , manipulative bitch to see her grandchild ? WTAF ?
Get rid . Get rid now while its still relatively simple . You could end up with years of misery dealing with that witch otherwise .
And if not , tell him to get his own goddamn phone . Maybe mummykins would like to pay for it to speak to her darling boysie woysie .
Words fucking fail me . Almost.
he will think he is giving me a day or two to calm down and that he can just walk straight back in
Well you'd better get the message across loud and clear that that's not gonna happen. You're better of nipping this MIL stuff in the bud now because it'll just get worse.
plomino it will only get more difficult if it is allowed to drag on won't it. At least ds won't know any different if he goes now. It will be harder for my own ds and dd but they have their own dad and will get over it with a lot of love.
so glad you all agree that getting rid now is the right thing to do. Wasn't sure if I should have been putting up and shutting up. My own mum died when I was a kid so have never had to deal with her interfering or anything, I wasn't sure how much leway they get!
Gather his stuff in black plastic bags and either put it outside and tell him he has 24 hours to collect it or you will arrange for it to be picked up by a charity van..
send it round to his mums/mates in a taxi-paid for by the recipient
I like your style doha I think I might Di just that while the kids are at school tomorrow.
I so want to blame his mum but while age is a bitter old witch it is dp that should be sticking up for us.
OP, I haven't seen any of your previous threads, but your MIL sounds deranged and interfering, your DP sounds totally under her thumb.
Yes, he is creating problems in that he won't stand up to her, but without knowing the whole history, or your DP, it can be incredibly difficult for children of abusive parents to stand up to them.
That said, his behaviour in expecting you to leave your home to accommodate his mother is appalling.
Only you know whether this relationship is worth fighting for, and whether he has good qualities. The name calling and blaming you doesn't t bode well.
I think it is ultimatum time. You or her. Except don't put the ball in his court - it's your decision on whether you will accept him back into your life IF he decides to stand up to his mother.
In the meantime - DON'T under any circumstances engage with MIL. No message taking, no texting, no answering the phone to her. DP needs to sort his own phone. I think it is a mistake for you to have texted her, no matter how rightly annoyed you are - it just gives her ammo and an opportunity to play victim.
Yes I agree you should chuck his stuff into bin bags and arrange for him to come and collect it, or get a mate with a car to take it to his mum's or wherever he's staying.
He has really shown his true colours - he has insulted you, disrespected you and blamed you for this situation. You've just had a baby! Honestly, his behaviour is just shocking and would be final nail in the coffin for most people. How dare he and his mum dictate to you in your own home like that.
He sounds little more than a child himself. By the sound of it he walked out on his DD just after she was born, so he has never been more than a part-time dad (and a full-time son).
I think you'll all be better off without him - and her.
Don't be bullied by either of them. You and your children deserve better, and for now, being on your own would be better than putting up with this.
Pack his stuff and put it outside for him to collect. He's a prick and she's a bitch.
olgaga he split with his ex when dsd was a couple if weeks old, I should have seen that as a warning but believed him when he said his ex was so terrible. Here is history repeating itself though.
Must go out tomorrow and stock up on black bags. My dbro can drop his stuff off at Mil's and then he's not my problem anymore.
Op history repeating itself indeed what a Shame he hasn't been more honest seemingly!!
I'm glad you're gonna give him a sharp kick up the butt. Definitely send his stuff to mummy's, especially as he hasn't cut the cord yet it would seem. Good luck with it all.
Very minor point - however long was he planning to go without sorting out a new phone? Or did he think the mobile phone fairy was going to come along and sort it out for him?
What a pathetic manbaby! Enjoy your lovely dcs and be thankful you don't have to deal with his horrible hag of mother anymore x
Thank you all, I actually feel relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore.
haha at the mobile fairy, I assume he was waiting for me or his mum to sort it.
Who the actual fuck does he think he is ordering you out of your own home just because his mummy demands!
Rachog get a really good night's sleep, pleased to hear you have a DBro who can help you with this. He should be helping you, supporting you - you've just had his child! What a twat. Don't lose heart, you're doing the right thing.
Thanks for all the support last night. Quick update, he came round today to see ds, said he has spoken to his mum and told her that she is going to have to get along with me for ds sake. I don't know if he did or is lying.
He left without a fuss and said he will be back to take ds for his injections on Thursday.
He told her she has to get along with you? If that's his way of sorting things out its quite frankly pathetic
He's basically saying that she's in the right and you're the one in the wrong but she should put up with it (poor her) for the baby
I think you've had a lucky escape with this ridiculous excuse for a man. If he genuinely wanted to make things right he would have told his mum that what she was doing was complelety out of order and she would have to pack it in or she wouldn't be welcome in your little family
He should also man up and be a proper father to his eldest child rather than letting him mum dictate what he can do with her and when
I think you'd be mad to consider reconciling with him until he has proved himself as a responsible adult and father rather than a little boy tied to his mothers apron strings
I wonder if he did speak to his mum. Did he say what her response was? I suspect he's getting a little tired of his mate's couch.
Well done you, keeping it together.
I meant to add, at least you won't see him until Thursday - which leaves you loads of time to pack his stuff!
I thought the same olgaga he said she didn't say much after all what could she say. I don't believe that he has spoken to her at all.
It wasn't easy to keep my cool but for ds's sake we have to make the effort. He has taken a few bits today but I can get the rest together tomorrow. He is staying at his sisters.
maytheodds I totally agree that I have had a lucky escape. I have sounded like a broken record the whole time I have known him saying that its not his mums place to dictate when he sees his Dd it is pathetic.
Well I'm doubtful too. It would be very out of character for her to have nothing to say !
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That was exactly what I thought olgaga, I said if it was that easy why has it taken this long for you to stand up for us.
Charlearose I actually lol'd at that comment. I think they would be very miserable really but its no more than they deserve.
Well i'm not going to spend any more brain space on it until Thursday.
Thanks again to everyone who posted.
Let us know how you get on. You have so much on your plate at the moment, well done to you.
Yes I totally agree with olgaga, you are doing brilliantly rach
Don't forget you can take as much time as you like to decide where you want to go from here. If you don't want to decide right now that it's over for good then you can ask him to make the changes he needs to and then go from there, even if he says he will change,you can step back give it weeks/months until you're sure you're happy with the decision. Don't let him rush you or try to make you feel guilty
Your side sounds reasonable. Your MIL sounds rough, I'm not surprised your dh has turned out the way he has. I'm not one to jump straight to ' leave the bastard' but do you think this man is going to change? It is easier for him to attack you rather than deal with his mum. He doesn't sound like someone you should be with. As for your MIL issue I'd say to ignore her and outright refuse to have her in your home. Tell your dh that you won't be passing on texts from his family any more and then block them on your phone.
Your partner sounds like a dick and it would be a cold day in hell before I would leave my own house because someone didn't want to see me. Your MIL sounds like a right treat. Poor you OP - don't let them walk all over you.
He's thrown away a chance at being a proper family for BOTH his children & it's the second time, so I'm assuming he is 21.
I have to be honest and say it's your DSD I feel most sorry for, simply because her mother is letting a witch like this influence her upbringing. Your 3 kids will be hurt for a while, but ultimately OK, cos their Mama has a backbone & will make things emotionally stable and a happy home for them. I'm also sorry that you'll be a single parent to a newborn, as that's never an easy road.
He still has options - he can apologise to you unreservedly, and set proper boundaries, as right now his are completely mixed up. So mixed up in fact that I think in your shoes he have to attend proper prof' councilling to clarify the difference in his own mind between the terms Gran, Mum, Partner, Father etc before I could consider any kind of reconcilliation. The man don't know which way is up ffs!
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