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Password and phones.

(46 Posts)
WellyShark Mon 08-Oct-12 09:28:56

Here we go, I've been lurking for a while reading threads.

It seems that lots of couple share passwords for accounts, have access to mobile bills and their partners mobile.

This is not the case in my relationship. DP always has his phone on him, always takes his calls in another room and has his own passwords. He may just like privacy. Is this normal within a relationship? He has the password to my pc as he has shared files with me, but not vice versa.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 09:37:51

I don't think it's abnormal to keep things private. I will take a phone-call from my mum and disappear into another room because a) what we're talking about will bore the arse off everyone else and b) I don't like others wigging into a private conversation. Then again, I'll probably return to the room and pass on any relevant points. My boyfriend doesn't have the password to my mobile and I'd be very hmm if I found him trying to check out my call history. I often delete my message threads on my mobile as well. Not because I'm hiding anything but because I don't like the thing getting cluttered up with old texts. He sometimes uses my lap-top which means he could get into my e-mail if he wanted to. But he never would.... at least I hope he wouldn't. I'd be furious.

If your DP's behaviour is making you suspicious there has to be another reason. Ask a straight question, therefore.

WellyShark Mon 08-Oct-12 10:08:27

Maybe reading the infidelity threads has made me suspicious. I'd never thought about sharing accounts and passwords before, and I thought this was the norm. It's about trust and respecting their privacy, I have never tried to look at DP's phone or email. If someone wants to cheat they'll do it regardless.

Thanks for answering my question.

Malificence Mon 08-Oct-12 11:23:01

In this day and age of everything being online, I think it's not only advisable but essential to have access to each other's passwords etc.
Imagine if something happened to one of you and the other needed access to their emails or phone/ipad?

Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 11:32:09

"Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing. "

That's far too simplistic. People who trust each other don't necessarily feel they have to tell each other every single thing. A desire for some privacy, even within a relationship, should not be an automatic reason for suspicion.

larrygrylls Mon 08-Oct-12 11:59:43

Malificence,

"Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing."

The motto of every police state from time immemorial. You would have adored East Germany and the Stasi.

People need privacy. Just because you are married does not mean you are joined at the hip. Even the ability to plan a surprise for your partner disappears if everything is shared. In addition, some jobs require discretion and privacy, even from one's partner. And does everyone feel the need to share every personal health detail with their partner? Personally, I prefer to be two people who choose to be together than some kind of amorphous siamese blob.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 08-Oct-12 12:13:57

My DH and I don't share phone codes or passwords for anything. Neither do most of my friends with their DP's.

If my DH wanted to use my phone or use my e-mail address for any good reason then I'd give him the passwords without batting an eyelid... but I'd change them again when he'd finished.

If DH wanted all of my passwords for no apparent reason, or demanded to 'check' my e-mails/Facebook/messages or I caught him trying to access any of my personal accounts it would be game over. I'm not hiding anything, but if he doesn't trust me and can't do as Cogito says and ask a straight question, then our relationship isn't what I thought it was.

Anyway... You can have all of the passwords and access to whatever you like belonging to your DP, if they're going to get up to something they'll find a way... that secret phone or that e-mail account that you won't know about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 12:35:31

I'm glad some people agree with me. In the olden days, pre passwords, e-mail and text, when the principle means of communication were letters and a phone, that was usually anchored firmly to a wall in the hallway, it would have been considered very strange to stand over someone while they were making a phone-call or demand to know the contents of their post. My own DM is a dab hand at steaming open and resealing envelopes as I found to my cost many years ago when she intercepted a letter between me and a boyfriend she didn't like much. If e-mails and so on had been around at the time she'd have demanded my passwords because she's fundamentally the suspicious type and can't be trusted. I would assess a partner demanding the same thing of me today as similar.

Bluefrogs Mon 08-Oct-12 12:36:29

Sorry but I think it is very normal.I dont share my passwords etc with my dp,and unless its an emergency I won't be.
I like my privacy thanks,and I don't see any need to share access to my personal emails or text messages,if that makes me odd I don't care!
I have nothing to hide but I also don't want my dp reading my personal messages-even though most of them are only about work anyway!
I don't go on Facebook as I don't feel comfortable with sharing my life like that either.
Dp on the other hand appears to be surgically grafted to his bleedin iPhone and iPad and it pisses me off no end.

Bluefrogs Mon 08-Oct-12 12:41:11

Posted too soon-just wanted to add that I have no interest in who is texting or emailing my dp,if the phone goes when we are together I dont expect any explanation as to who it is texting and I would be mightily annoyed if I had to keep informing dp who I was talking to.
If I wanted to check I could,but I don't need to and tbh if he 'checked'
my phone I would have to really assess our relationship if he thought that was acceptable

JennyPiccolo Mon 08-Oct-12 13:06:39

My DP and I know each other's passwords. I always have things coded and password protected in case of theft, not to hide stuff from my partner. In any case, he's never felt the need to read my emails/messages/whatever (that I know of) and vice versa, but we both could if we wanted to.

WellyShark Mon 08-Oct-12 13:39:50

I was beginning to wonder if my relationship was normal! I like my privacy and I'm definitely not having an emotional or physical affair. People seem to think that partners having their own passwords and never letting their phone out of their site could be a sign of an affair.

If I didn't have a bit of privacy I think I would feel very smothered and claustrophobic. DP would probably feel the same way too.

QuietTiger Mon 08-Oct-12 13:59:40

I think that you have to differentiate between secrecy and privacy.

DH & have privacy from each other, in that we don't look at each others phones, texts, etc, and we keep mail etc, private. But we are not secretive about it. If he asks me about something or looks at my email account for what ever reason (usually to check details for something or other) or likewise, me checking his accounts, etc, we ask first, because we respect each others privacy, but it's not a drama, because it's not "secret", IYSWIM?

When it becomes "secret" then it's a problem. Privacy is normal.

independentfriend Mon 08-Oct-12 15:54:27

For me (and I am not other people), interfering with my correspondence (post/phones/email/browsing history) would be a dealbreaker. End of story.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Mon 08-Oct-12 15:57:32

I always have completely separate email accounts and private passwords for email and phone. If someone made it a condition of the relationship that I share them then they could jog on. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you must give up all your basic social rights.

If he said 'can I use your phone/laptop quickly?' then of course that would be fine.

OneMoreChap Mon 08-Oct-12 17:16:03

CogitoErgoSometimes
^ I'd be very if I found him trying to check out my call history. I often delete my message threads on my mobile as well. Not because I'm hiding anything but because I don't like the thing getting cluttered up with old texts^

grin
Obviously suspicious, and if you were a bloke, you'd obviously be at it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 17:18:14

Obviously...

Mum2Fergus Mon 08-Oct-12 17:56:17

DP and I know each others passwords, email, phone, banking, etc...no issues with that, but I often read on here about folk being suspicious re browsing, call history etc...if lack of them is proof of unfaithfulness then Im in trouble lol emails get deleted when Ive dealt with them, as do call histories and texts, if Ive no need to keep it, I dont.

bubalou Mon 08-Oct-12 18:01:08

I can only chip in with my personal situation.

Me & DH both actually have the same password on our 2 iPhones. His mobile is a work one so I don't see paper bills but I wouldn't want to. Mine come to the house so he can look if he really wanted to but doesn't.

He uses his phone ALOT but I use mine a lot too & we both have quite high pressure jobs that cause us to occasionally run out of dinner to take a call.

However - my husband is free to use my phone any time he wants - and vice versa, I can say 'let's play angry birds' and he will always happily hand me his phone.

I honestly think that if a man is ever odd about something as simple as this - he is hiding something.

This is exactly how I knew my ex was cheating. Phone on silent alot, never leaving it even to go to the shower or toilet etc (unless its a poo in which case most men like to have their phone) grin

Opentooffers Mon 08-Oct-12 18:13:20

I view my phone like I would if it was my diary, so no I would not give my password to anyone, but would be ok with sharing stuff that I wanted to. I have had it snooped on twice by ex-p and an exBF, it achieved nothing except they could not resist asking me about innocent details, so had to own up about looking and strangely thought that this was ok. To my mind, unless there is other evidence and need, there is no justification for random snooping and one should be ready to eat major humble pie if wrong -it's private, though I don't hide it and let my DS play games on it as I have nothing to hide anyway.

OhEmGee24 Mon 08-Oct-12 18:24:15

No passwords on phones here, we both always leave our phones around, nothing to hide even though we never look at each others phones. Generic password for the computer, don't know each others email password but I've never even contemplated asking! hmm. Same pincode on joint bank account, but don't know each others separate account.

Malificence Mon 08-Oct-12 18:49:39

Me and DH do have privacy ( if we want it) , just not as much as many of you obviously hmm
We have each others passwords etc. but we don't sit going through each others phones/emails every night, ( for one thing DH never deletes anything and has thousands of bloody emails whereas I delete everything non-essential ) my laptop is always logged into my emails and facebook, the ipad is logged into his emails and facebook.

I don't have the password for his work mobile , I have no need for it and no reason to look at it.

I don't get this possessive attitude over things like post or phones, I open all DH's post, always have, always will.

I find not sharing everything weird to be honest, I know pretty much every detail of his working day, right down to how many cups of tea he's had and how many times he's been to the loo, pretty normal for us.
And LarryG - the Stasi has nothing on me, I'm able to stalk DH with the "find my friends" app ( and he me of course) . wink

Bluefrogs Mon 08-Oct-12 19:03:06

Malificence-if that works for you by sharing all that info and opening post that's great,but some people aren't comfortable with that.
For me my privacy absolutely includes the knowledge that my phone,post or email are private,not accessible to anyone at anytime including my dp.obviously if he needed to check an email etc he could if he wanted to.
I don't know his passwords because I have never asked,I don't need to!
There is nothing weird about that,neither myself or my dp are hiding anything,it just isn't an issue,tbh it's only reading things on mn that make me think that maybe we are in the minority!
As for knowing how many cups of bleedin coffee he's drunk at work and the number of dumps hes done,sorry I have far more important/interesting things to talk about with my dp!

Bluefrogs Mon 08-Oct-12 19:04:48

And can you imagine the uproar on here should a man say he opens his wifes post-always has and always will!
'

Malificence Mon 08-Oct-12 19:24:44

Actually, I do let him open his Top Gear magazine subscription ( if he's been good) so he's really quite spoilt. grin It's like Christmas for him once a month.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Mon 08-Oct-12 21:15:51

If Mal's husband doesn't mind then it's not a problem. I would hate it if my partner was like that. Malificence - we can never be together. I hope you aren't too devastated.

Malificence Mon 08-Oct-12 21:21:58

I think I'll survive. smile

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Mon 08-Oct-12 21:28:57

<weeps>

OneMoreChap Tue 09-Oct-12 10:45:12

Bluefrogs
And can you imagine the uproar on here should a man say he opens his wifes post-always has and always will!

grin from the usual suspects, and be rapidly followed by "Leave the Bastard" I would imagine.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 10:53:02

Always opening post or..... <people of a nervous disposition should look away now>..... delving in your handbag!!!!

ItsAFuckingVase Tue 09-Oct-12 11:30:56

I don't understand why people think that being in a relationship with somebody requires you to abandon any sense of self, and instead the two of you become one entity??

I would be livid with my DH if he tried to access any of my accounts, emails, phone or opened my post. I wouldn't dream of trying to access any of his or open his post either. I quite like my husband having his own life. I don't want to know every mundane detail of his day. I find the fact that he knows his own mind, is independent and interesting very attractive in him. That would be very less so if I controlled his bloody life.

Malificence Tue 09-Oct-12 12:10:54

Anyone would think I was opening his post behind his back and that he had no say in the matter hmm
If he didn't want me to , then I wouldn't bloody do it!
If he's expecting a book from amazon or stuff from ebay, then I leave it for him, I'm talking about bills and day to day stuff, there is no reason on earth why either of us wouldn't open it, no matter who it's addressed to.
If you think that equates to him not knowing his own mind/ not being independent and me controlling his life, then more fool you.

ItsAFuckingVase Tue 09-Oct-12 12:19:18

Right ok. Our post has just been. Mr ItsAFuckingVase has 3 letters. One is a credit card bill, I know this as it has the name of the company on the envelope. One is a bank statement. I know this because it is from the same bank as mine. The other is in a handwritten envelope. I have no idea what it is. I have taken all 3 letters and put them on the side for him to open when he gets home, because they are addressed to him to be opened by him. My involvement in dealing with his post is over. I have picked the letters up off the mat, sorted them from my own and put them down for him to pick up. We won't have a conversation about his post unless for some reason he tells me something about it - like he has an appointment at the hospital, or some tickets he's ordered have arrived. I don't need to know the content of his post, and whatsmore, I don't want to know. I afford my husband with enough brainspace to deal with his own affairs.

We don't share passwords etc as a matter of course - there is no need to & I agree with above re each person needing a little privacy. DP is more secretive/private person by nature, whereas I tend to be too open. We live in a small flat and he will often take a call in another room - out of consideration. I don't want to listen to him talk for 60 minutes with his boss/brother whatever.

It has come up from time to time that we have needed to know each others password/PIN for whatever reason, and it's really no big deal. I know he has a memory like sieve anyway. He used my debit card to collect groceries over the weekend and had to call me for the PIN, even though he has used it 50 times before. I on the other hand will NEVER forget his PIN smile

Just because you do or don't share this kind of information isn't necessarily telling. It could be an open free exchange, or it could be indicative of controlling behaviour. I wouldn't want DP reading my emails, because they are MY emails, not his. There is nothing wrong with some degree of personal privacy.

Malificence Tue 09-Oct-12 12:37:31

Well as all our bills are joint ones, as is all our banking / household bills etc. and I deal with it all as he's out of the house for 12 hours a day ( and for the first 15 years of our marriage was in the forces so away quite often) , then I do need to know the contents of pretty much everything addressed to him, (if that's ok with you) and if I hadn't opened a hospital letter for him last year when he was away on a course for 3 days, then he would have had his surgery put back.
I didn't realise that relationships had turned into AIBU. hmm

ItsAFuckingVase Tue 09-Oct-12 12:39:26

Re the phonecalls thing - if my phone rings I will always leave the room to answer it. My DH does the same. I find it incredibly rude of somebody to answer their phone and subject everybody else to their conversation. If I am watching TV I want to hear what is on the TV, not one side of my DH's phonecall.

Bluefrogs Tue 09-Oct-12 12:58:01

Malificence-this whole thread is about what is normal in a relationship in terms of privacy,some people have no issue with unlimited free access to phones,emails,post etc but others,myself included,find that exceptionally intrusive and unnecessary within our relationships.
We have joint accounts,and still I would not open anything addressed to my dp unless he phoned and asked me to.
You made a comment,and a hmm face when talking about other peoples level of privacy
You also said 'i don't get this possessive attitude over post or phones,I open dhs post,always have always will'
There is no AIBU about this thread just differing opinions,your level of what is ok is not mine,that doesn't make me weird.
I agree with the poster about not becoming one entity in a relationship,me and dp have been together for a long long time,have kids,split all our money equally,enjoy time separately and have our own money as well ad the family money.but I still expect some respect in terms of privacy and boundaries,and for me that is not having to leave my bloody phone out for him to see,for not having to share all my passwords so he can read my emails or check my browsing history,and not coming home from work to find my post addressed to ME opened regardless of how mundane it is!
That may sound completely alien to you or others,but for us it's not.

DD(4y) wanted to open DP's post the other day.

I explained to her that post should only be opened by the person to whom it is addressed and if it wasn't her post then no, she couldn't open it. I sounded just like my Mum. grin

WildWorld2004 Tue 09-Oct-12 15:49:41

I always have my phone on me, i have a password on my phone & i go into another room to take/make a phonecall. And i am single. I do it coz of my dd. If i did have a partner my behaviour wouldnt change & why should it.

MTBMummy Tue 09-Oct-12 15:51:06

I'm the techy in our house so all gadgets are set up by me, I know the passwords DP uses as I set them up for him, that said he also knows mine.

We both have our emails delivered to the same iPad, so if we really wanted to we could go into each others accounts, but I don't really see the need to read his emails, and I believe he feels the same way.

although I will say I'm funny about actual post (and so is he) we'd never open each others unless asked to do so.

AnnaLingus Tue 09-Oct-12 16:00:56

Interesting thread.

We're much more like Malificence and her husband - sharing each others' passwords and gadgets etc. Having read all the comments, however, I can't see how insisting on privacy could necessarily be construed as suspicious in and of itself. In answer to the OP, therefore, unless you have any other concerns I don't think that you have anything to be worried about.

OneMoreChap Tue 09-Oct-12 16:03:28

I run all the household IT, including email servers in the cloud etc.
I could do pretty much anything I wanted, but it wouldn't occur to me to:

read DW's email
open her post
go into her handbag

I've done all of them if asked.

Heleninahandcart Tue 09-Oct-12 16:53:49

I would be furious if anyone expected to be able to access my phone messages, emails or texts Same goes for my handbag. Similarly I wouldn't dream of going through a partner's phone, email etc. Being married or living with someone does not give them access to my private conversations and thoughts.

Household/school/admin issues are different though but I wouldn't have those run via my private email addresses.

IShallCallYouSquishy Tue 09-Oct-12 17:03:49

My DH knows the code to my phone and iPad, he doesn't have a code for his phone. I know his online banking password and he sometimes has to ask me what his card pin is! He knows my passwords. I do all the filing of bills and bank statements and he just hands me the unopened envelope to open and file, both of ours are easily accessible to the other person. Both our emails/texts etc can be seen by the other person behind backs if we really wanted to, but I've never seen the need and as far as I know neither has he.

I would be annoyed if he read through a conversation with one of my friends without me knowing, but would have no problem showing him myself if that makes sense?

I think you need to be able to trust one another and respect one another's privacy but still show that you have nothing to hide.

cronullansw Tue 09-Oct-12 20:36:06

If he checked my phone / email ''I'd be furious// it would be game over''

Hmm, lots of double standards here.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 09-Oct-12 23:29:49

I find not sharing everything weird to be honest, I know pretty much every detail of his working day, right down to how many cups of tea he's had and how many times he's been to the loo, pretty normal for us.

Ugh!! No space. But that's only my opinion. Different strokes and all that.

This is not AIBU. Someone is asking what 'is normal in relationships'. Your claustrophobic set-up may be normal for you, but you are in the minority here. Does that shock you? If it's fine for you, why do you protest so much and feel the need to defend it? You are happy with your relationship - good!

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