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Oh Mumsnet - you have got me into trouble

(64 Posts)
wandymum Sun 07-Oct-12 17:29:23

Reading a thread about DHs and porn and came across a way to see their i-phone history even if they'd deleted.

I couldn't resist looking. Not hugely bothered if DH looks at porn (they all do as far as I can tell), relationship generally good and I had no reason to feel the need to check up on him. Partly I wanted to see what turned him on to see if it would help spice things up a bit, partly I am just nosey.

Anyway, amongst the stuff on his phone was a site called Seemed to be an actual guide to how to have an affair without getting caught rather than porn so I asked him about it.

He said it was probably a pop up and is now refusing to talk to me at all because I have invaded his privacy.


usualsuspect3 Sun 07-Oct-12 17:32:25

'they all do as far as I can tell' err no they don't.

I don't think you should have looked at his phone TBH.

chipsandmushypeas Sun 07-Oct-12 17:33:37

That sounds horrible sad there's no such pop ups for that

TheDetective Sun 07-Oct-12 17:34:42

You don't get pop ups on the phone.... as far as I know.

sookiesookie Sun 07-Oct-12 17:35:56

you know that for a fact then chips.
I didn't realise that someone on here could verify every pop up there ever was.

Tbh I think looking at his phone when you (according to your op) has not real reason is a bit strange.

Tamoo Sun 07-Oct-12 17:37:19

Ah, the old 'it was just a pop up/I can't get rid of it' excuse, which now seems to be the default answer for everything web-related that's dodgy.

BonnyDay Sun 07-Oct-12 17:37:49

i just looked at it - it looks pretty home made

Conflugenglugen Sun 07-Oct-12 17:38:51

At best you've betrayed his trust; at worst, you've both betrayed each other's trust. Although perhaps you can turn it on its head and make it a starting point for some deeper communication.

suburbophobe Sun 07-Oct-12 17:39:07

I don't get porn pop ups on my computer.

And no, not all men look at porn.

"affair-guide" eh?. Tell you all you need to know really.

Can't blame you for sneaking on his phone.

usualsuspect3 Sun 07-Oct-12 17:39:32

I hope your DH doesn't check your history,BonnyDay.

BonnyDay Sun 07-Oct-12 17:42:10

he's welcome to!

sookiesookie Sun 07-Oct-12 17:43:43

Sorry OP I think there is more to this. Why look st the phone if you believed there is nothing to find.

By the way, though, I would accept his excuse for not discussing it. I would say something like I know its wrong and I am sorry I invaded his privacy, but it needs discussing and I was not willing to drop it. I would also discuss what led you to look as something doesn't add up.

RobynRidingHood Sun 07-Oct-12 17:44:32

I read all sorts of shit - usually posted by this forum.

IF DH bothered to look at my history, I've looked at earrings made out of tampons , cats sleeping position, reusable toilet paper and some strange porn site that would like me to donate to breast cancer. All of which would never have entered my head if it hadn't been linked to MN

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 07-Oct-12 18:11:18

Oh dear.

He sounds very defensive doesn't he?

If it was innocent, he would have been bewildered and would have wanted to reassure you.

chipsandmushypeas Sun 07-Oct-12 18:14:57

Yes I do actually, as detective said you don't get pop ups on iPhones. Sorry.

MsKayGee Sun 07-Oct-12 18:33:53

Chips sorry but you do get pop ups on iphones. I use one particular porn site and before I log into the site (on my iphone) I get a pop-up that opens a site called 'Live Jasmin' or something along those lines. Would you like me to pm you the name of the site so you can see for yourself? grin

chipsandmushypeas Sun 07-Oct-12 19:15:46

No ta grin I guess for porn sites you will, but that website doesn't look like it would be a pop up? I imagine most porn sites, when accessed would pop up other porn sites, like web cam etc but 'affair-guide'? Seems iffy

izzyizin Sun 07-Oct-12 19:17:14

'Pop up', my arse - or his if that's what turns him on. He's been caught bang to rights and he doesn't like it one bit. Tough for him, honey, but not for you.

Due to assorted mumsnet threads I've visited sites containing subject material that otherwise wouldn't have crossed my mind. I've also searched for sites that relate to something that has crossed by mind due to my imagination, or due to an article I've read or similar outside stimulation, as it were.

It seems to me this is your opportunity to let him know that maybe he has given thought to having an affair or perhaps some other factor led him to that site but, be that as it may, in itself that's of no consequence.

However, should he embark on an affair he needs to be aware that will be the end of your marrriage as, should it come to your attention as inevitaby it will sooner or later, you will lose all trust in, and respect for, him.

As for searching his phone/history that's no big deal. My phones's available for use and inspection by my nearest and dearest as, no doubt, yours is too.

BlatantRedhead Sun 07-Oct-12 19:26:45

You DO get pop-ups on iPhones. Try going on and you'll see what I mean. There's pop-ups on a lot of apps as well, they come up while you're using the app. This affair guide thing sounds suspicious though.. I'd be keeping my eyes open if I were you.

Gritmonkey Sun 07-Oct-12 19:36:01

'Pop up', my arse - or his if that's what turns him on. He's been caught bang to rights and he doesn't like it one bit. Tough for him, honey, but not for you.

This is all bull Izzyizin. It has been wholly refreshing to see more and more posters who have decided to take a step back and stay sat on the fence.Unfortunately you are not one of these posters. (Though I am happy to be corrected).

To the OP,
Next time you get hold of DH's phone, take a look at the history and click to open the links, doing this may (if indeed it is a pop-up) open the pop-up again, though if it doesn't do this first time try again a good few times as they may be on a rotation.

Either way, good luck (and don't be such a nosey parker next time! wink)

skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Oct-12 20:43:14

All you can do us keep an eye on the situation. If he starts getting possessive of his phone, never letting it out of his sight etc, then he may be hiding something...

izzyizin Sun 07-Oct-12 21:18:42

As I call it as it I see it, gritmonkey, I'm in the fortunate position of reclining on a lounger rather than perching uncomfortably on a fence.

Having visited the site in question, it's clear that it's an amateur effort little more than a guide to adult no strings dating sites which possibly brings in some revenue for the owner if visitors click on any of the various links gven.

It remains to be seen whether my phone/laptop is inundated with pop-ups/emails as a result of my visit and I hereby give my word that I will report back here and eat my virtual sunhat in the unlikely event this occurs.

Until then I will entertain myself with the thought that any site which professes to help you hide your marital affair and teach you how to have an affair and not get caught and which advertises its wares by means of pop-ups which may serve to alert unsuspecting spouses/partners can only be the work of male genius grin

skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Oct-12 21:39:08

grin izzy

Until then I will entertain myself with the thought that any site which professes to help you hide your marital affair and teach you how to have an affair and not get caught and which advertises its wares by means of pop-ups which may serve to alert unsuspecting spouses/partners can only be the work of male genius

Well said!

Lueji Sun 07-Oct-12 21:53:45

is now refusing to talk to me at all because I have invaded his privacy


I'd be watching his moves like a hawk as well as his internet history TBH.

He could have been curious, but his reaction is odd.

wandymum Sun 07-Oct-12 22:33:25

I've apologised and explained it was just nosey based on to much MNetting. He says MNet is spawn of the devilhmm.

Explained if anything my motivation was to make our sex life better by trying to understand what turned him on.

He will not even look at me.

ArtVandelay Sun 07-Oct-12 23:14:12

On what planet are you not allowed to pick up your DH's phone and look at stuff on it? Photos or internet or whatever... Its not a breach of privacy surely? Don't let him make you feel bad. The not looking at you says more about his actions than yours.

skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Oct-12 23:17:41

I always used my STBXH's phone until he kept it on him all the time, slept with it by the bed and kept it in the door pocket of the car instead of the middle, so I couldn't see it.

This was all to hide the texts and emails to OW.

My dad gets pop Ups on his iPhone. Either that or he's lying to mum about a porn site.

GrumpyOldWomanToo Sun 07-Oct-12 23:32:23

I look at all kinds of stuff on the internet; any one item doesn't indicate I have an enduring interest. And even several connected items... well, last week I read several items about schoolyard mass shootings, and followed links to goth sites. Doesn't mean I'm about to go buy some black lipstick and start casing the local school.

Give the guy a break... a few days ago I was casually perusing a site which gave directions on setting up a new identity. Hey, just a minute, I'm getting suspicious of myself! Maybe you'll be reading about me in the Daily Mail...

Heleninahandcart Sun 07-Oct-12 23:49:25

If he had been browsing innocently, started looking at random things, why not just say so then? Also wouldn't he just remember seeing a pop up when it apparently came up? Not much of a pop up if it didn't actually appear. Again, why not just say so.

Keep your eyes open OP.

Startailoforangeandgold Mon 08-Oct-12 00:18:32

If DH read my history I'd beangryangry

There's a link to a site selling condoms and all sorts of stuff in my history. Following links here and looking for images.

Image searchers are especially bad because blogs and compilation sites have all kinds of utterly unrelated crap.

If I looked at DHs he would explode,

Startailoforangeandgold Mon 08-Oct-12 00:19:19

Why because privacy aside his work is confidential.

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 01:19:57

He says MNet is spawn of the devil In the immortal words, 'he would, wouldn't he?' grin

Not being able to look you in the eye indicates that he's either exceptionally immature or exceptionally embarrassed at having been so easily caught out, particularly if he was fool enough to believe the spiel on secretaffairsrus or a similar site.

I was very much taken with KatieScarlett's response on a current thread to do with a dh's visit to a lap dancing joint in which she said:

"I would ridicule and berate him for the rest of his natural life or till I got bored

Any complaint would be met with "So what, you went to a lapdance bar you sick fucker"

He would rue the day he ever thought that was a good idea"

I suggest you adopt Katie's approach and say 'So what, you thought you'd get away with a secret affair you dumb klutz' whenever you need a laugh occasion arises.

CurrentBun Mon 08-Oct-12 01:44:35

He will not even look at me.

Says it all IMO.

Guilty as charged. grin

Strawhatpirate Mon 08-Oct-12 01:48:29

It seems a bit specific to be a pop up tbh. Most of the pop ups I've ever seen have been 'you've won an ipad' not 'do you want to commit adultry but don't know how?'. His reaction is a bit suspect as well, perhaps the dh doth protest too much?

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 02:00:27

In this case the dh doesn't appear to have protested very much at all, M'lud pirate.

As all of the evidence would appear to support currantbun's verdict of 'Guilty as charged', wandy, I suggest you put take him down grin

Strawhatpirate Mon 08-Oct-12 05:45:35

He didn't want the op to go on mumsnet anymore because its was obvious what we would all say! We might be a nest of vipers but these but unfortunately for him these vipers can smell bullshit.

FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn Mon 08-Oct-12 06:05:55

Tough one.. based a lot on MN my browsing history is very suspect.

And I have googled stuff out of curiosity that just would be totally out of character.
Nothing illegal though.

So I think checking his phone was badly out of order.

Having said that, and you having done it, his reaction is now cause for mild concern.
Maybe you should accept his annoyance initially about invading his privacy.. and THEN as a separate issue, deal with what came up.

InTheNightGarden Mon 08-Oct-12 06:33:31

wandymum .... pleaseeeee tell me how you look at iphone history once it's deleted?? please pleaseeee please smile smile smile

InTheNightGarden Mon 08-Oct-12 06:35:29

also think you need to read more into the website you found :-/ odd...deffo not a pop up!!!

stuffitunderthebed Mon 08-Oct-12 07:03:27

Inthenightgarden - someone gave advice last week at looking at i-phone history. Go to settings, safari and then advanced data search on safari I think. I did this other day when saw somebody post about it. Unhappy that I'm checking up... But happy to report very innocuous history which matches actual history - so nothing being deleted. Do you really want to go down this road though? I find no joy in checking up.

SoupDragon Mon 08-Oct-12 07:21:46

I think checking someone's internet history is rather different to just using their phone. It is an invasion of their privacy and you have to accept that.

Which doesn't excuse him from any blame if he did indeed visit that site rather than have it pop-up or something else. And yes, you do get pop-ups on an iPhone.

You both need to sit down and have a proper heart to heart. you need to apologise for apparently checking up on him and he needs to actually talk properly about the site being on his internet history and whether there are actually any problems with your marriage.

DoIDare Mon 08-Oct-12 07:34:02

Feck it . IMO married couples are allowed to check on each other. It's only human. He has something iffy. He annot explain it satisfactorily.

If I were you op, I'd appear to accept it, protect yourself (safe sex etc) and gather financial info, just in case.

Discuss your marriage etc- maybe he is entirely innocent, maybe he was considering an affair (the shit) or maybe having one. Then at least you are in abetted position.

Good luck

sookiesookie Mon 08-Oct-12 07:38:11

Yes I do actually, as detective said you don't get pop ups on iPhones. Sorry.

Except that's not true. And you didn't say iPhones don't get pop ups. Your said there's no such pop ups for that. Which is something you actually don't know.

I think there is something going on with this man, based on refusing to look at her. But I also think the OP suspected something and is not saying.
However telling the OP something that you don't actually know isn't helpful.

sookiesookie Mon 08-Oct-12 07:50:41

There is a difference to me with general using each others phone and finding ways to get a deleted stuff.
if dh went through deleted history it would say to me 'i do not trust you'. My reaction would be hurt but want to know why and work on it. As would,i am almost 100%, would be dhs.

But yes i would be hurt that my husband did not trust ma and would want to know why.

InTheNightGarden Mon 08-Oct-12 12:27:26

lol I don't want to do it for the same reason, my dp has planned something for my dd (from a previous relationship) for a weekend while we go away however he won't tell me what she's doing, she's only 17months old!! he said I should trust him however I do not feel happy not seeing dd ALL weekend while we swan off anywhere!! thats why I want to look, he always lets me on his phone to use his apps so he won't suspect anything and I don't not me checking up on him coz I know he wouldn't do anything wrong in that respect just wanna know what my dd is doing!!! smile

clam Mon 08-Oct-12 13:15:24

Call me an old cynic if you like, but I'd lay bets on the fact that your dh is deliberately attempting to cloud the real issue here (of how to hide an affair) with feigning hurt/fury about you looking at his phone.
Which is working, because you're now running after him apologising and he feels he has the moral highground of being the wronged party.

Until you catch him out next time.

Good luck with this one.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 08-Oct-12 13:27:29

InTheNightGarden What??? confused He's going to send your DD somewhere and won't tell you where? Is that right? It's not a matter of trusting him, you've got to know where your baby is because, well, it's your baby innit?

WhoNickedMyName Mon 08-Oct-12 17:44:00

InTheNightGarden I find that really weird and hope you've told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms that you won't be going anywhere with him unless you know the exact whereabouts of your (not his) 17 month old baby and you trust implicitly the people she is with.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Oct-12 21:01:26

ITNG, are you serious ??

InTheNightGarden Wed 10-Oct-12 10:04:42

all is ok, I rang my mum thinking surely she'd know! she understood my worry and told me my dp's paid for my mum and dad to take dd and dd's cousin to Disneyland Paris for the weekend!!! why I couldn't know that I do not know and where the money's come from to pay for that and us to go away I do not know either .... I feel kinda bad as I havnt told dp I've spoken to mum and I know all the plans!!!!

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Oct-12 10:21:44

Maybe this was a roundabout way of showing that he can be trusted, and can organise things she'll love?

After all, if she was his, you probably wouldn't worry about what he was organising. Maybe he was just trying to show that you don't need to worry about him either, and that he is like her father?

It's a manly and unthoughtful way of going about it, but it could be what he was intending. Maybe he'll unveil it as a surprise just before they leave?

Ra88 Wed 10-Oct-12 10:34:00

You can turn off pop ups on the iPhone but some sites will actually appear in the advanced settings on iPhone that are linked to sites . I say that he has been on porn and a site has been "attached" to it and that's why it's appeared in the log

DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 10-Oct-12 10:34:48

I get pop ups on my iPhone when I go to nhs sites and am generally googling for pregnancy stuff - usually do I want to fill in a survey or sign up for pregnancy calendars etc. no idea about porn sites as I don't use them, I've never had a porn pop up appear through.

Looking through my Internet history, the pop ups don't appear on it unless I've actually clicked on it though and gone to the site it's advertising.

Although on my history it says I've been on adult friend finder!! I haven't ever, So no idea where that's come from.

Yes, to the insecure and guilty we are a nest of vipers.

Oh well.... <shrugs, polishes nails>

Lueji Wed 10-Oct-12 11:50:53

You mean fangs, surely? wink

Only when it's a full moon Lu


ZigZagWanderer Wed 10-Oct-12 12:01:21

If I found this on my DP's phone I would go fucking mental. (Regardless of the how I found them).

ZigZagWanderer Wed 10-Oct-12 12:03:20

I tried to link that but it hasn't done it.

This is the text on that page, (I'm a bit crap at this).

Finding someone to have sex with really isn’t that difficult. I know some pretty nerdy dudes that have pulled in some serious tail. The difficult part of cheating is getting away with it. Women can’t help themselves. They don’t trust anyone. Even though they might tell you they trust you, they don’t. Every move you make, they’re paying attention. Every penny you spend, they know about it. So you have to be incredibly cautious to avoid her from finding out about your secret life.

4 Most Common Mistakes Cheaters Make
1.Failing to hide their browser history (sites you visit online) and passwords on the family computers.
2.Careless use of text messaging and phone call logs.
3.Paying for a hotel, online dating site, and other activities with a shared credit card or shared bank card.
4.Forgetting to delete IM logs.

The main reason men make these mistakes is carelessness. They think they’re invincible and don’t realize just how much their wife is paying attention to what they do. I can teach you how to find a sex partner, but if you don’t know how to avoid making the above mistakes, you may as well just tell your wife you’ve been having an affair.

How to Avoid Making Careless Mistakes

If you’re generally a careless individual, it’s time you change your habits. Attention to detail is the #1 key to cheating and getting away with it. You must have a solid system for cheating. That system should be strategically planned out and executed completely. Don’t even bother trying to meet women until you’re 100% certain you’re prepared. And read these tips on how to avoid making common mistakes men make.

Web Browser History

I figured this part was common sense, so I never even brought it up. That was until I had quite a few guys emailing me to tell me they were caught by their spouse because they failed to hide their online moves. So this is your fair warning. It really doesn’t matter if the computer is a shared computer or your own computer, you need to USE PRIVATE BROWSING if you’re dating off of cheating websites so your wife doesn’t find out what naughty websites you’ve been visiting.

I’m going to stop you before you say, “my wife has never touched my laptop”. She might someday. What happens if you’re careless and completely forget about the sites you’ve been visiting and allow her to use it? She might type in a website and see a site suggestion for one of the adult sites you’ve been visiting. She will immediately begin to question why you’ve been visiting that site. Cover all of your tracks.

Get in the habit of USING PRIVATE BROWSING every time you do anything online related to having an affair. Using “Privacy Mode” on your browsers is a great idea, and the one guys forget the most. This will greatly help eliminate her chances of finding out what you’ve been doing.

Passwords also need to be deleted. On most browsers (i.e. Firefox and Google Chrome), you can delete your browser history without removing the paper trail left behind from stored passwords, email addresses, and user names. Remove everything related to having an affair after every time you use your computer.

For complete instructions on how to hide what you’ve been doing online, check out the this wiki article.

ZigZagWanderer Wed 10-Oct-12 12:04:51

I didn't know this stuff exsisted and to be honest, makes me want to snoop too.

izzyizin Wed 10-Oct-12 12:07:10

I've taken the liberty of adapting one of your impressive responses on another thread for the OP's use, Katie. I have, of course, credited you and hope it will be in order to refer to it again should occasion arise.

<combs snakes writhing on own head into a fetching fringe>

Oh, feel free Izzy

All converts to the coven are welcome.

<Have you tried the MN Viper haircut, BTW? >


izzyizin Wed 10-Oct-12 12:22:28

I cut their heads off some time ago, Katie, but they grew back and now writhe trail below my shoulders.

I intend to raise the corpse of invoke Vidal Sassoon on the 31st in the hope that he can style them into a more manageable 'do', as it were grin

<attempts to plait the buggers>

InTheNightGarden Wed 10-Oct-12 14:52:41

caja think you've absolutely hit the nail on the head smile damm I feel bad now!

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