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I am pregnant

(41 Posts)
s0fedup Thu 04-Oct-12 18:03:46

Omg
As the title states i am pregnant (very early) I found out yesterday.
I have no idea how it happened as we rarely dtd.
We have had some major issues in our marraige. One of them being me wanting a 3rd child and him dead set against it, oh the irony.
I am utterly terrified of telling him, he will hit the roof...

Xales Thu 04-Oct-12 18:07:36

Not sure if to say congratulations or not.

Were you using protection? If not then he is a big boy and is as responsible as you for what has happened.

If you were then it is just one of those things and neither of you can be blamed.

You can tell him and leave the room/house if he hits the roof you do not have to stay and take it. Or could you tell him by phone while he is at work so that he has time to deal with the initial shock before you come face to face?

Good luck!

s0fedup Thu 04-Oct-12 18:17:15

thanks for replying,
I ran my pills as we were away abroad in the summer. This made me go a bit mental and I was feeling very down in general so I wanted to get rid of the chemical hormones and go back on st johns wort (this has really helped in the past) He knew I had not started my new pack.
I just cant believe it.
It is what I really wanted but now its goinh to cause so much upset.
I dont think he will forgive me

MakeItALarge Thu 04-Oct-12 18:17:19

You dont need to tell him straight away, give yourself a few days to think about what you want! Telling him on the phone might be a good idea, or, drop a few hints (feel bloated, sore breasts, late) and do a test with him. Its a bit devious but he may notfeel tricked into it if you do the test together.

Congratulations, and good luck!

s0fedup Thu 04-Oct-12 18:20:06

i was thinking the same only give it a few weeks...
If i can.
I have zero symptoms so far which is odd as I was hideously sick with the previous 2. I guess if that kicks in he might suspect

hoopieghirl Thu 04-Oct-12 18:25:16

Give yourself a few days to get your head together and feel a bit calmer hopefully. Good luck x

Opentooffers Thu 04-Oct-12 18:35:31

Reminds me of a prior thread where someone wanted a third child against DH wishes. Was that you? Not that it matters. Babies don't not happen because it would be inconvenient. If he knew you were not protected and did not do anything himself it's as much his fault as yours. Shared responsibility - I think you both know how it happens, just shocked now its real.

Opentooffers Thu 04-Oct-12 18:46:17

You only need to dtd once without protection to get pregnant, given that he didn't want another, knew you did, knew you were not using contraception, he must of just crossed his fingers as you did lol. 2 irresponsible adults, I really hope he realises that he is as responsible and changes his opinion when faced with reality of a third, otherwise it's the DC I feel sorry for

bushymcbush Thu 04-Oct-12 18:48:42

"I don't think he will forgive me"

For what? Allowing him to stick his dick inside you?

s0fedup Thu 04-Oct-12 18:52:40

Ok,
can I just remind you that people post here for support... Its ok to have a different opinion but rudeness and being crass is just not on
Sorry if my post offends you, as my mum always said, if you havnt got anything useful to add dont make a comment

s0fedup Thu 04-Oct-12 19:12:07

just bumping to see if there are any lovely mnetters out there like the ones at tbe top of this thread!!

MsHighwater Thu 04-Oct-12 19:25:48

As already said, if he knew that you were not fully protected, he has to take his share of the "blame". Maybe you should get on and tell him, though. Worrying about how he will react won't get any easier the longer you leave it.

I hope you have a good outcome.

ErikNorseman Thu 04-Oct-12 19:30:13

I think bushy is making the point that he was fully aware of the risks and you have nothing to be forgiven for. If your partner will 'never forgive you' for the avoidable consequences of his own actions then you have bigger problems than an unwanted pg.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 20:21:46

If he was aware that you had stopped taking the pill and he chose not to use condoms I can't see that he has any reason to 'hit the roof' but, from your previous posts, it's probable that he will anyway.

Your toxic marriage is inevitably having an adverse impact on your existing dc and, IMO, you should be asking yourself whether you want to bring another chid into the negative enviroment that you currently inhabit.

Regardless of whether you are intent on having a third dc, I suggest you rid your home of the most poisonous chemical therein by becoming a single parent as this will enable your present and any future dc to have the childhoods they deserve.

MakeItALarge Thu 04-Oct-12 20:42:19

I havent read any of your previous posts sorry, and agree it takes two to create a child but ime it is very easy for a man to lay all the blame on a woman, and to then walk away from the pregnancy and child feeling they have absolved themselves from blame. Also, if you have discussed having a third dc previously he may feel you have engineered this or somehow trapped him, which is why I think dropping hints and discover the pregnancy rather than having you announce it may help! Would you consider termination, or do you think he may want that?

ringodingo Thu 04-Oct-12 20:48:32

sofed follow your heart in what you want to do. he may not be happy but you are aware of this reaction so you will be prepared for it.some comments on here are a tad harsh and unhelpful. hugs and support out to you.

s0fedup Thu 04-Oct-12 20:59:50

thankyou so much make it large and ringo. It all feels so unreal. But it also feels like i am lying. My bf in rl knowd and agrees I should not say anything yet. Its still so early anything could happen

I would not consider a termination. I am strongly pro-choice but we are married with jobs so even though it will cost more I have no good reason to end a life.
My marraige has been very strained but I think he is trying. I really have been very distant and he knows how close we were to separating. I dont think he wants that but knows that it will take time for me to be back to the old me. sorry I dont know if that made sense!!

Thanks again, it helps being annonymous and just writing it all down.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 21:10:02

I can't see anything harsh or unhelpul about any comments here.

Having a dc, or another dc as the case may be, is a life-changing event and it occurs to me that this is an opportune time for you to take stock of the quality of your life at present and to do whatever is necessary to improve it for yourself, for your existing dc, and for any future dc you may have.

This may involve counselling or separation/divorce but, if you're not proactive in bringing about any desired change(s) yourself, nothing will change for the better of its own accord.

ringodingo Thu 04-Oct-12 21:23:37

op does,nt need a biology lesson or being told of any dick sticking and dc feeling sorry for. yes they both dtd, but she is now stuck between a rock and a hard place being terrified of telling him. this is the issue she needs support with and unhelpful comments are not support.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 21:43:41

You've been given some helpful suggestions as to the way in which you break the news, but the issue is why you are 'utterly terrified' of telling your h that nature has taken its course and you are pg.

You've referred to him having been 'dead set' against having a 3rd dc, in which case he could have opted for a vasectomy or using condoms thus ensuring there will be no further addition to your family.

As he hasn't chosen to avoid you becoming pg, it surely won't come as a great surprise to him unless, of course, there is something you haven't revealed here.

Instead of second guessing his reaction, albeit that I suspect you're right about how he will react, I would suggest you tell him sooner rather than later as it's probable that undue delay will serve to exascerbate what is likely to be an unpleasant 5 minutes for you.l

dondon33 Thu 04-Oct-12 21:47:14

I remember some of your other threads S0fedup,
Has your DH illness/behaviour towards you and the DC improved (sorry don't have time to search)
I remember you really struggling along.
I hope your news is accepted with joy S0 I really do, but if your determined to have this baby and he doesn't accept it what are your plans? Go it alone?

s0fedup Fri 05-Oct-12 07:39:06

Good morning,
in answer to you questions...
Yes things have improved somewhat. He is really trying more with the dcs.And with me to a certain extent. I think I am still being quite distant though.
His health has dramatically improved and that has made a massive difference. It was all completly stress related and work settled down so has his body.
If he cannot accept this baby, or me (for getting pregnant) then I am prepared to do it alone. One area I have complete confidence in is my skills to mother. Dont worry I am under no illusion it would be easy but I could cope.
I am going to wait a bit longer as I still dont 'feel' pregnant so theres a bit of me that thinks its all just a mistake...

bushymcbush Fri 05-Oct-12 07:51:28

Heartfelt apologies for any offence I caused with my somewhat direct comment. It's quite out of character for me actually, but believe me when I say it came from outrage on your behalf sofedup, not against you.

As someone else said (far more delicately than me) you have nothing to be forgiven for.

I'll remove my size 9's from your thread rather than upset you again, so wish you the very best of luck.

zippey Fri 05-Oct-12 08:01:50

If OP thinks some of the comments have been unhelpful izzyizin, then they have been unhelpful, doesnt matter what we think. I agree with her though.

Congratulations! He may be annoyed or angry at first but if he was a good father to your other children then he may grow to accept things and it may be a great way to closen the bond in your relationship too.

Hope all works out for you.

s0fedup Fri 05-Oct-12 08:23:06

thanks for appology bushy.
I know you are all right, I didnt do it to myself! so what will be will be...

izzyizin Fri 05-Oct-12 08:33:22

I don't dispute that, zippey. It goes without saying that it's entirely up to the OP to decide whether she find responses to her thread helpful, or not as the case may be.

However, although you may agree with her opinion on this occasion I don't and, FWIW, I'd find it disturbing if any dw professed herself to be 'utterly terrified' of telling her dh that she was pregnant.

I hope your h reacts in civilised manner when you tell him the news, sOfedup, but, if not, joint counselling may be the way forward to improve your relationship to the extent that your dc are not caught in the crossfire, so to speak.

flyoverthegoldenhill Fri 05-Oct-12 08:45:18

sOfed as you have said alot of things have changed. Break it gently, I don't agree with dropping hints (but thats because my dp would never pickup on hints) and really try to make it a proper conversation. Prepare yourself. Can you get out for a long walk, and go over the conversation in your head. He may actually feel differently now. Good luck thanks

s0fedup Fri 05-Oct-12 10:42:56

thanks for appology bushy.
I know you are all right, I didnt do it to myself! so what will be will be...

s0fedup Fri 05-Oct-12 10:44:43

i dont know why last post appeared again?? sorry!!

izzyizin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:00:41

Good luck - I hope you'll come back and let us know how it went.

s0fedup Fri 05-Oct-12 11:04:29

i will definitely be back. I am hoping with happy news x

dondon33 Sat 06-Oct-12 16:25:27

Good to hear of the improvements S0
I do agree with some others too- whatever his reaction he is equally responsible in planting the seed, so to speak, He willingly had sex knowing you weren't protected.
When do you plan on telling him?
Good luck x

s0fedup Sat 06-Oct-12 16:33:17

hi, To be honest it all feels so unreal. I dont 'feel' or look pregnant at all and I know this sounds terrible but i could tell him now and the pregnancy might not progress naturally (its still very early) then we would have had a potentially huge conversation over nothing...

M0naLisa Sat 06-Oct-12 18:34:00

But if you mc then won't you want his support???
Tell him

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 19:10:56

Hardly a 'huge' conversation, honey... you've stopped taking the pill and he doesn't use condoms and it seems to me that a chat about him being snipped is long overdue.

What are you going to do if nature doesn't intervene? Blame any weight gain on krispy kremes and wait until you're about to deliver before telling him dc3 is on the way?

Would your reluctance to tell him, and fear of his reaction, have anything to do with you not having spelled out in clear terms what not starting your new pack of pills could mean if he didn't assume responsibility for contraception?

s0fedup Sat 06-Oct-12 19:29:27

yes izzy, you are right in a way.
He will 100% say that I didnt tell him, but the reality is he probably didnt listen. He is not really interested and I know when I told him he was like 'oh'

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 20:16:22

Wear body armour and a hard hat because chances are one whole heap of totally unfair blame is going to come raining down on you when you break the news.

s0fedup Sat 06-Oct-12 20:26:26

thats why i am so worried. It makes me so bloody angry though. He never listens to me, actually thats not true he does.
He listens but its not a converstaion, he is just waiting for me to finish what i am saying...

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 21:06:17

Finish what you're saying and duck leave the room. Or write it out on a post-it note and stick it up his arse on his shaving mirror.

It's not going to be pretty but if you don't tell him sooner rather than later, that'll be another weapon you're handing him.

s0fedup Sat 06-Oct-12 21:30:13

your right i know. I just keeping hoping my boobs will suddenly blow up or some other obvious sign manifests itself so he 'discovers' it!! shock

M0naLisa Sat 06-Oct-12 21:55:53

Just sit him down and tell him
It takes two to tango or did he miss that sex education lesson at school angry

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