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domestic violence

(85 Posts)
combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 20:34:23

I have posted before about my husband being violent towards me. Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why. The violent outbursts are not constant and things settle down in between and then boom it happens again.

At the weekend after a row he bit me hard on my back and has bruised all down my arms where he grabbed me I have had enough. I am having to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises as though it is my dirty secret. On Monday morning I walked into a police station to report this but backed out at the last minute.

I dont even know why I am typing this but I need to get it out.

hoopieghirl Wed 03-Oct-12 20:41:04

I am so sorry you are going through this. Well done for admitting u need to get out. Lots of good advice oh here. Wishing u well .

jaffacake2 Wed 03-Oct-12 20:42:34

You need to find out why you are accepting this sort of behaviour which you know is wrong. Only when you start to believe that you deserve more out of a relationship and your life will you then stop letting yourself be abused like this
Contact Refuge on line and look at the Freedom programme.
Thousands of people can give you advise but you will only make changes when you have a sense of self worth.Freedom can help you to see this.

dequoisagitil Wed 03-Oct-12 20:47:24

You could still go back to the police. Don't keep living with this.

avenueone Wed 03-Oct-12 20:48:34

jaffacake has spoken some wonderful words there. Very little I can add but didn't want to read and run. You are not to blame for anything that is happening to you, you can only make choices about what to do about it.

Wolfiefan Wed 03-Oct-12 20:50:01

You are typing this because you are a brave woman and you know you don't deserve this. No judgement from me. Just supportive thought.
It's not your dirty secret. It's his.

combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 20:53:10

I know what you are saying makes sense and trust me I am close to breaking point. I almost wanted someone at work to notice the bruises so I could confide in them.

I have a supportive family I dont know why I put up with this. I feel so angry now. Already we have returned to normal family life like its ok.

He says he feels glad because I made him so angry on Saturday he could have done much worse but he held himself back.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 20:54:21

Hey....plenty of friendlies on the abuse thread. We aren't prone to shouting or violence if you'd like to lurk or post. It's not your fault. You have to be ready. I posted under loads of name changes. Today I took my first step, it takes time. You can refer yourself to refuge or local DV support group, or see your doctor if you'd rather address it that way. It's okay xxx

I feel sick reading your post, you don't deserve this treatment.

Well done for going to the police. Even if you didnt report it, its still a step.

What stopped you reporting it? Fear of him? Fear of not being believed? Fear of causing too much drama?

combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 21:06:37

Fear of causing too much drama I suppose I'm not scared of him anymore.

Thank you for understanding, I have always posted then when the replies say leave him and I dont I just stop reading.

HansieMom Wed 03-Oct-12 21:11:50

What a fine man to have held himself back. Not.

It takes so much courage to leave. You have that courage. You just need to find it. Its a really hard thing to do.

Dont let fear of drama hold you back though. If you did report him, do you have a plan for leaving him? Would you stay in the house? Do you have your own income/know about benefits? Do you know all your rights?

It can take years for people to leave. Dont ever feel like you cant get support here because you havent left.

combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 21:59:27

I have no plans I havent thought that far.

Thank you so much for your kind words again.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 22:04:05

hello. I don't remember you, but feel sure I must have posted on your previous threads.

You know this is escalating, right

it is chilling that he "held himself back" but still managed to bite you in the area he did

biting is one of the biggest red flags of domestic violence (if it is even acceptable to "rate" them) because it infers he sees you as no more than an animal

harsh, but true

to bite someone on the back, where the skin is relatively taut and difficult to latch onto is a terrifying thought

I feel very afraid for you

please go back to the police station tomorrow and report him

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 22:30:07

You don't need a grand plan yet. just a first step. No pressure from anyone here.

Call women's aid 0808 200 247 and tell them you have a violent husband. They will be understanding.

izzyizin Wed 03-Oct-12 22:41:13

Every time you allow him to treat you as a punchbag and get away with it, what message do you think you're giving him?

Has it occurred to you that in failing to take any action and covering up the evidence of his violence, you're colluding with him and giving him permission to do it again?

Reporting him to the police will be something of anticlimax compared to the drama that occurs in your home when he physically assaults you.

Bite marks and bruises don't vanish in a couple of days. They'll be visible if you report him to the police tomorrow or Friday.

If you intend to continue allowing this man to physically assault you whenever he feels so inclined, it would be extremely unfair of you to burden a colleague with your 'confidences' whether accidentally or deliberately and, more especially, as you say you have a supportive family.

Really do not agree with the jist of your post izzy.

susiedaisy Wed 03-Oct-12 22:46:55

Please please act on the advice you're given on here, the violence will escalate he's already told you that on this occasion he held back, you don't have to wait until the next lot of bruises so that you can report him, just leave ASAP!

Wolfiefan Wed 03-Oct-12 22:50:17

It is not helpful to try and push a clearly upset and traumatised person into leaving her partner. Support and understanding are called for. Perhaps make suggestions but don't instruct. The OP has already said this will drive her away.
Thinking of you OP. Support always here.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 22:50:26

so, when he doesn't bother to "hold back" what will he do ?

you are toying with the whims of a man that will bite you

he is not to be toyed with

he will kill you, eventually

I agree with Wolfie.

OP, I am hiding this thread now but if you ever need to talk to someone please PM me.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 22:52:45

OP

You are not to blame. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

You can get help.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 22:54:46

Ps no one is judging you, just worried for you.

combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 22:56:23

Any fucker yes you have replied to me before.

I posted the first time he hit me i cant even remember when this was maybe 2-3 yrs ago. people told me he would do it again and he did.

Izzy dont worry i would not burden a colleague it was just a moment where i wished someone would notice it was never going to happen.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 22:58:24

Don't apologise for wanting help, we've all been there.

combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 22:58:31

thank you anastasia and wolfie i appreciate ur support

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 23:01:11

You are always welcome, keep posting if you need and stay safe thanks

jaffacake2 Wed 03-Oct-12 23:02:08

Please think seriously about your life.
Is this what you want from a marriage ? You are worth more.He is treating you as a possession he can kick,bite,beat. You are allowing him to do this.
When will you leave him?
2 yrs when he breaks an arm
5yrs when your head is so muddled with constant beatings that you cannot see how to leave
Or maybe never and you will be old wondering why you were never properly loved and just constantly abused.
But then life has finished
Get help now.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 23:11:17

You will always find a kind word, sometimes said plainly, for you here. All respondents want what is best for you.

He is going to hurt you very badly, very soon. Do you have dc ?

catwomanlikesmeatballs Wed 03-Oct-12 23:31:50

I appreciate that it's very hard to leave him because when he's not being a violent prick I'm sure he's got many fine qualities that attracted to you him in the first place, it's hard to leave a relationship because we become so attached to the other person and even dependent on them in some ways so cutting ties is painful and complicated.

You have to realise that he is not going to change, his violent behaviour will probably escalate until he causes serious permanent harm to you. He has already proven himself capable and unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions. You have to find the strength within yourself to recognise that you must take the temporary pain, fear, loneliness that will come with leaving him to protect yourself from the future hell this man will most likely put you through.

Think about the time that he will lose it with you and won't be able to 'control' himself from doing worse. It will happen, you don't want to end up disfigured, disabled or dead, he's not worth it.

You know what you need to do. Do it.

HissyByName Wed 03-Oct-12 23:34:36

Please know that you're among friends here, we've been there, some of us have got out, and MN got us there.

This is your time now.

HissyByName Wed 03-Oct-12 23:35:44

Meant to say, NONE of us WANTED to leave, but we knew we had to.

Dryjuice25 Wed 03-Oct-12 23:38:24

Please op, only you has the power to make this pain stop.

You will find someone who will treat you better and in as much as you don't want to leave, I'm deely disturbed by the fact that he actually said that he held back, like it's something to be thankful for!!!!

I really hope one day you get that final straw and I hope it will be soon. You are not safe and i'm extremely fearful for you.

izzyizin Wed 03-Oct-12 23:44:55

Women are no longer constrained by economic dependence to stay in violent or abusive relationships, wannabe.

In this instance, as she is working and has a supportive family, it would seem the OP is not socially isolated and has the werewithal to leave without reporting to the police if she so chooses.

I share AF's opinion that the OP is at risk of seriously bodily harm or worse and it is my belief that she should take steps to secure her safety, and that of any dc who may be living with her, as soon as possible and, preferably, before she is subjected to further physcal assault.

I have no doubt that you wouldn't intentionally seek to place the onerous burden of fearing for your physical safety on a colleague, combobulated, but, when confiding matters of this nature to those who are powerless to intervene, it's expecting a great deal of them to not worry about what they've been told.

By the same token, my concern for your welfare won't cease until I learn that you are no longer in danger of becoming one of the more serious statistics of domestic violence along with many others who erroneously believed that it couldn't happen to them, or that violence was evidence of love.

To that extent, I'm not going to encourage you to do anything other than get the fuck out, or get the violent fucker out, of your home as a matter of urgency.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 23:48:10

Will you come back to this thread, love ?

Dryjuice25 Thu 04-Oct-12 00:03:56

Maybe op knows one colleague well or is her RL friend who might be an invaluable catalyst who will be prepared to hold op's hand to get things moving in the right direction ???? In that case I don't see why op can't use this avenue .....

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 00:16:49

The catalyst for Tina Nash was losing her sight. The catalyst for the OP may be the plastic surgery she'll need if he bites a chunk out of her.

If you don't wish to involve the police, combobulated, at least go to your GP and have your injuries documented so that you have evidence to support an application for an occupation Order which you can use to keep him out of your home.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 06:37:19

Indeed dryjuice

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 06:42:56

Yes we have children. Thanks for ur replies I know this isnt going to stop I know I need to leave I'm just scared of the future thats why I havent left already.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to everyone I Really appreciate it.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 06:46:31

And yes you are quite right I have some brilliant friends at work have worked there for over ten years and I suppose I thought once they knew I would have to leave so thats why I wanted to confide in them.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 06:57:18

Combobulated that's exactly what I did. I wrote a lengthy post on the EA thread but in a nutshell, I moaned about my boyfriends twatty behaviour, and after a short while, a work friend pointed out that it was more sinister. She's been hoping I would get some support. I picked up the phone to an organisation. Yesterday, I went to a session. I didn't want to go to it. I got there, I cried and wanted to go. The sole reason I stuck it out was that I couldn't face her ringing to ask how I got on and having To say id chickened out. By the end, I was glad I had stayed.

Please ring the number I posted if you can be brave it.

Thank you for coming back here. It can be overwhelming.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:16:13

I very much doubt that the OP could have chosen a better catalytic medium than this board but, given that her only other post in her present guise has to do with her choice of dress for a party, it seems that she elects to live in a state of denial.

Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why If the OP were to stick around and follow through, she may be able to come to some understanding of why she puts up with dv and the knowledge she gains may enable her to put an end to it.

As my numerous responses to various other posts will testify, I'm not given to alarmism but, when several years of being beaten with fists escalates to being beaten and bitten, it will only be a matter of time before the OP suffers serious injury or worse.

Under the circumstances the only advice that can be given to this OP, and to others like her, is to get the hell out before it's too late as too late can come a lot sooner than they may prefer to believe

susiedaisy Thu 04-Oct-12 07:38:10

Agree completely izzy

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:40:58

Due to need to fire up the java machine, I managed to xpost.

I'm glad to see that you're back, combobulated, and sincerely hope that you won't disappear this time.

It seems you think that if you confide in colleagues you'll lose face if you don't leave/stop the rot. Do you want people you work with to know about your vulnerabiity?

Wouldn't it be better to maintain the esteem they currently hold you in by making the break, or getting him out of your home, and telling them after the event, so to speak?

If you go to a police station and tell an officer about his latest attack on you, you'll be given all the help you need to bring about a future that you and your dc can move into with confidence rather than fear.

Alternatively, you can visit www.womensaid.org.uk and begin the process that will give you and your dc the life you deserve.

Please don't discount the most valuable resource that is your 'supportive family' as I have no doubt they will rally to your cause and their only concern will be to secure the safety of you and your dc.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 07:41:29

Izzy, we all do what we have to do when we're ready. Frustrating as it is to watch, but we can't make the decision for her.

The fact that 2 women a week are killed before they find that strength, i would hope, makes the OP listen to you, and the others, to ask questions, and ask for help.

Op, its just one single step in the end.

The hardest step, but as soon as the step is made, i promise you, the second is easier, after the third, let the momentum and the sound of all of us cheering you on carry you to freedom and safety.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 07:50:00

You're scared of the future, if you leave?

That's the biggest myth.to bust, you get to live wih no violence, no punches, kicks, bites. No name calling, derision, belittlement.

Your dc are learning from him, they could end up under his power and take over where he leaves off, abusing you.

That happens to many of us that leave it too late.

Its now, your time is now, you have to save your dc, you have to save yourself.

The support is here, your work will help, and hopefully your family.

There's many of us, many to support you, and there's him. A biting bully that will kill you, or perhaps the dc, just.to get to you. There seems to be a recent spate of it.

Save your family, get it away.from him.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:52:01

Looking back, do you think that if you'd been physically abused you'd have got out from under quicker, Hissy?

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 07:56:46

Xposting is us smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 08:45:08

If you wish someone would notice, replace the long sleeves with short ones. That's all you have to do. Make his shame public rather than hiding the truth. The rest will naturally follow

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 09:25:32

That has spawned 'fell down the stairs', 'bumped into the door', when enquiry is made, Cog.

It can take a while before light dawns that a self-professed accident prone colleague is a victim of dv, and by then it may be too late.

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 10:12:16

it is like op wants a colleague to do her stuff for her - take on a mothering role and tell her what to do. so i get what izzyiain is saying -- yo cant tjust wait for someone to notice...they might notice but jsut whisper by the water fountain oh ahve you seen Combobulated terrible eh? and they will do nothing unlesss they actually have knowledge or experience...

but op you cant expect them to do take you by th hand and lead you..unless you ASK one of them - and tell them please could you com iwth me to police, my h beat me up.

unless one of them has personal expereince they wont know what to do, they will say oh dear poor thing and that is it...op his is crunch time, you need to take charge not wait for someone else to hold your hand and tell you.

go to GP, tell all. ASK for the help and support that is available from local services.
go to police again and walk in an ask for dv officer. tell them you need him removed, today and charged. tell you colleagues boss that you need time out because you need to charge h with assault...

take it from there.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 04-Oct-12 10:26:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 10:28:06

I just think it would be a positive and symbolic start in admitting to others that the relationship is violent for the OP to leave the long sleeves off. Others cannot resolve this but the OP is so far away from walking into a refuge or asking a GP that any movement in the right direction and which rejects shame and secrecy is a step forward.

Lueji Thu 04-Oct-12 10:49:04

FWIW, there's no point in confiding in people.
Unless you want them to help you with your exit.

You have to tell them, tell everyone and the police.

First, though, make sure you do have an exit strategy. I left too much in a hurry and it was a bit harder.

But the point is that you have to leave or make him leave.

The "good" times are just so that you feel that it's not too bad. And he is trying to make you feel guilty, as if it was your fault that he hit you because you made him angry. And he is a saint because he didn't hit you harder? FFS!

Remember that whatever happens after you leave cannot possibly be worse than living like this.
And it won't be long until he starts hitting the children as well, unless you shield them, and then you get it, possibly also in front of the children.
Is that the life you want?
To be living in fear in your own home?

olgaga Thu 04-Oct-12 11:06:23

OP, he won't change, and it will escalate. You are not alone in your reluctance - the police and CPS are very much aware that women experience an average of 35 incidents of domestic violence before reporting an incident to the police.

Please, at least talk to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
www.womensaid.org.uk/

You might also try the police non-emergency number 101 as a first step. They will encourage you to report it, but they will put you in touch with the domestic violence unit - rather than walking into a station and talking to a random desk sergeant.

ChooChooLaverne Thu 04-Oct-12 11:07:50

combobulated FWIW if you were a friend/colleague of mine and you confided in me at work I would do everything I could to help you. If you have someone at work who you think you could tell, even if it's just to admit out loud to someone you know, then do. Sometimes just admitting it to someone who knows you can help you on the road to getting out.

Just be aware that they might not know what to do if they have no experience of DV. But, telling them might help you get rid of some of the shame - it's not your fault, it's his.

Don't stop posting - everyone on here wants the best for you.

Lueji Thu 04-Oct-12 11:36:56

women experience an average of 35 incidents of domestic violence before reporting an incident to the police.

The sad thing is that many women will be above that, being an average.

I got out after the 2nd episode, and was one too many that I put up with.
It really makes me feel sad that women put up with this behaviour for many more episodes than that and can't even imagine what it feels like to live like this for months and months.

The problem is that the longer you "allow" it, the harder it is to find the strength to do it, IMO, and the more "normal" it feels and the more he feels entitled to behave like this.

And, yes, you are allowing it to happen, because you haven't left yet.
It's not your fault, but your life (and your children's) is in your hands, and you must act on it. Do not be passive and hope for the best.
He won't change, only for the worst. sad
And don't be afraid of the future without, you should be afraid of the future with him.

BTW, a friend was hit by her husband and she told me in front of him. A few weeks later he grabbed her throat. No marks this time. He didn't stop did he? He's not likely to stop and she is more likely not to challenge his selfish behaviour again. sad

Only by distancing yourself can you possibly be safe from men like this.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 12:24:03

Please consider contacting Women's Aid. They are experienced and they will help you.

Is there anyone you can tell in real life? Literally anyone, just to get the ball rolling. You will feel so relieved. We're a start - but I understand why the police seems like such a big step. I mean - clearly, I wish you would - but more than anything I'd like to see you safe.

Could you send your mother / a friend an email saying "DH has attacked me, I have been suffering from domestic violence for 3 years. I can't bring myself to tell you this face to face but I need your help"?

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 16:24:34

Just catching up with all your replies really busy today with work.

Reading through really struck a chord, made a promise to myself today to take positive steps, things have settled down at home now so kind of hard to pack up and leave right now but I do understand that this is not how a marriage should be and I dont have to put up with it. I dont even want to try and reason with him he always makes me feel as though its my fault this is happening and I'm not going there.

What really made me think was the 35 accounts of domestic violence statistic i have not kept count but would say it has happened around 20 times.

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 16:25:47

just remember the cycle of abuse. of course it seettles down in between
that is why/how you keep staying.

www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 16:26:38

resolve that the next time any of this happens you will go straight to police no messing about dial 999 .

make practical plans just in case

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 16:32:26

I will I actually cant handle anymore. I Have been checking my finances today have managed to save some money this year to give me a headstart should I need it

I heard a colleague say something once that really chilled me to the bone-

"A lot of women stay in abusive relationships, but those who leave, leave in two ways: they walk out the door - or they're carried out."

It does sound like his violent treatment of you is getting worse. Do you want to find out how much worse, or do you want to walk out one day and not be hurt any more?"

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 16:54:07

A little running away fund is a very practical step that will help you. That's a real achievement.

Have you thought about the next step you might take?

Cover your tracks please. Internet history, that kind of thing. (some posters on here and more importantly support organisations will be able to advise). Take care of yourself.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 17:15:40

yes anastasia i WILL call womens aid. I dont know if I will get the words out but I need to do something.

Wolfiefan Thu 04-Oct-12 17:28:05

Just calling is a huge step. If you can't speak you can always call back. Remember privacy. (Here and when you call.)
You should be proud of the steps you are taking.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 17:36:46

im on my phone on here which is locked he doesnt know the code so he cant view my internet history.

I will call womensaid later when im at home and remove the number

lolaflores Thu 04-Oct-12 17:45:46

combo just imagine if you will, a chorus of women, just like on here, cheering you on with nothing but love and hope for you. you are not on your own. even if it feels like it sometimes. if you go into the policestation/women's aid/a hostel. whatever. all of us here are holding you hand and telling you you are doing 100% the right thing and the best thing for yourself and your kids.

susiedaisy Thu 04-Oct-12 17:54:24

Thinking of you op x

struwelpeter Thu 04-Oct-12 18:58:21

Dear OP, see if there are some support groups in your area or a Freedom Programme. You don't have to be "out" to go, but what is important is that you will be among people who understand your confused feelings and you may very well get the strength to leave. Any fears, confusion about who gets abused and why, their reactions, their tears over a relationship that has fallen apart and the very fact that you'll get all sorts of people in a group - there is no such thing as "typical" people, just typical abuse and that typical cycle of normal, tension followed by abuse followed by make up and promises that are broken. It is his cycle not yours.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 19:39:03

That you have the intention of doing it, that it is on your radar is a huge step. If you can press the buttons, thats ideal, but just thinking about it shows how far you have come already.

If you find yourself lost for words, you have your first post or you can 'just' say, 'my husband is violent', they will work with you to help you tell the story. They will be used to snivelling wrecks, people who can't get the words out. They will have seen and heard it all. Those few words. I know they are big words, but you've managed to type it. The next step is saying it.

We really are rooting for you.

struwelpeter mentioned the freedom programme, if it's as good as the book, that will be a useful resource as well.

Leaving is a process and you have set the ball rolling.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 20:03:15

"Looking back, do you think that if you'd been physically abused you'd have got out from under quicker, Hissy?"

Izzy I was physically abused. But only occasionally at the beginning of our relationship, and again when I was PG and out of work, extremely vulnerable.

Later, when he really went for it again, I was thousands of miles away, 4 storeys up in a building with no lift and a 2 yo. I'd never have made it down to the ground floor with luggage AND the child, so what to leave behind the first time I go?

Even assuming I had got downstairs with luggage and DS, i'd have to find a cab, 99 times out of 100, I'd have been sexually abused, ripped off or both. I'd have to have fleed to a hotel as airport over 300km away.The sexual harassment would be extremely likely in any hotel, even 4 star, it's the culture dontya know. hmm

So no, I didn't get out then. I had to stay put, and wait for the time to come when I could come home.

I came home a few months later, 8m after he followed, I thought he deserved a chance in a normal country to be a more normal human being. I was wrong, but at least I know. I tried. sad

He never hit me again, because in the 8m I had on my own in the UK, before he came back, I'd found MN and knew the score. I didn't have the strength to leave, but I had the strength to resist and to stand my ground. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to admit defeat, but I should done, I wasted precious time in my life. I just built on that slowly, asking questions, putting 2 and 2 together.

Half of me accepted the blame for him hitting/kicking me. Physical abuse in my story was better than the WEEKS of verbal tearing to shreds my Ex did. At least a kick was over and done with quicker.

the guy that our OP is dealing with is a WHOLE other kettle of fish, he is extremely violent, he is escalating and he sees he is entitled to do whatever he likes.

My dear love OP, you are in danger, I know you don't want to believe it, you don't want it to be so, but please know that we none of us want to believe it, we none of us want to see these men for the monsters that they are. He WILL kill you.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US would wave the magic wand, even now, years on, to wipe all that nasty away, to make him normal. We can't make him normal. He's not normal.

Have you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT? By Lundy Bancroft. I didn't for months, but eventually did, after he had left. It took away all the pain I had, all the guilt and the self criticism that was going on the time, i realised that none of it was my fault, that he CHOSE to be the way he was and that he could choose to be nice, but he didn't want to.

Please forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong, in fact you gave someone a chance, that's never a wrong way to think. He abused you, your trust, and your family, he will not stop, he will only get worse.

he's already being extremely violent towards you, you don't have much time.

Please call WA, you are precisely the woman they need to hear from, you are not making a mountain out of a mole hill, rather the opposite. We've all done that, but you will have the rest of your life to come to terms and heal.

Please don't be a victim, another statistic. Please don't let him do this to you, please save your children, save yourself.

Lueji Fri 05-Oct-12 01:21:51

Just sending a hug and hoping that all works out.
Stay strong and don't over think it.
You know what you need to do.
Don't feel sorry for him, don't be afraid.

When I decided I had had too much, I just waited for an excuse and left with DS. No packing even.
Our safety was much more important.

Good luck with WA.

Natmu Fri 05-Oct-12 01:39:12

I cannot imagine what this must be like for you OP. You are so brave to have got this far. Please keep posting and we will stand by you. Holding your hand....

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:36:47

Combob - remember that although things are 'back to normal' after the weekend biting/thumping session your h won't have forgotten about it really either. He will be feeling very guilty and ashamed. He will hate himself. And he will then start to feel angry about that - those feelings of shame and guilt are all YOUR fault in his mind. He will resent you and feel angry and probably much sooner than in the past, he will take his anger out on you again.

35 incidents of violence on average before a woman leaves - and the ones who leave it too late? They are the 2 who are murdered every week - who leave their families grieving and traumatized and their children motherless with only a violent father.

Really Combob I think you should be making plans to get out asap. You are NOT safe there.

Don't forget you can ring 999 at the first sign of aggression such as a raised voice or threat.

Markingthehours Fri 05-Oct-12 03:39:37

Meant to say at the outset - I hope you are not feeling too sore from the bite and that you are healing. Spend as much time away from him as you can and try to get some time to relax. Thinking of you.

combobulated Fri 05-Oct-12 12:39:31

Thank you for your concern its not too sore now its just badly bruised. It hurt a lot sunday night but it was mostly my arm where he had grabbed me I think it was quite swollen.

I didnt get to call wa last night but did check their website. He is working nights so I dont see much of him for the next week or so which is a relief. I have made a promise that if anything kicks off between now and when I get out I will leave and call police

AnastasiaSteele Fri 05-Oct-12 13:07:32

I'm glad you have a bit of space.

Was there anything useful on the wa site?

We will hold you to that promise to call the police xx

garlicbutty Fri 05-Oct-12 13:17:53

I'm glad you posted, Combobulated, and are talking to the excellent women here.

When you get through to Womens Aid, it will surprise you how they know what he did & said next. Even if you do nothing else right now, talking out loud will help you see your predicament from an 'outside yourself' perspective. It de-normalises the violence to some extent, and I can see you know you need this.

What he said about wanting to hurt you worse (but holding back) is quite frightening. Whether he meant it that way or not, it was a warning. I think it would be a good idea to go to the police while your injuries still show. And keep calling Womens Aid! Wishing you lots of luck and a following wind smile

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 14:30:24

hi. it's a year since I got him to leave (yes you heard right) life is better, children are better.

you could leave just because of what he does to you, but if it's hard to justify that to yourself do it for your children.

It seems like a mountain, but you only have to do one step at a time. We can help with the practicalities, so can WA, so can the police.

You don't have to leave in a hurry next time he flips, you can plan an exit and stay safe.

combobulated Fri 05-Oct-12 16:12:34

The wa site was good if only to see the definition of domestic abuse as sometimes I feel a fraud as its not constant.

I know i dont have to wait to leave but I am just trying to get myself together. I feel so much more positive since even starting this thread even though its just a small step my mindset us different thanks to ur lovely ladies support.

foolon I would like to stay in my house really but I cant ever see him agreeing to leave.

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 16:35:33

he doesn't have to agree: if you want to you can get an occupation order www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2012/06/01/domestic-violence-how-to-apply-for-an-occupation-order-by-nastassia-burton/ to secure your residency either in order to make him leave and not you, or to return to your home after you have left and a non-molestation order www.esteemmen.co.uk/images/Non-Molestation%20Orders.pdf to protect yourself, your children and your possessions.

really you can sort this out once and for all. Not that there won't be challenges along the way, but nothing you can't cope with. One year ago I was feeling and probably thinking the same way but I have done it, he is out and the DC and I are safe.

If you decide to make a plan and escape there is lots of practical advice and help to be had, and I for one would give you any info you want if it is safe for you to receive by pm, email or post......

you've reached out for help....it's a good first couple of steps you have taken.....keep going.

PS it is safe to PM me if you want to

foolonthehill Fri 05-Oct-12 16:38:03

the abuse is never constant...even the most obliging of us wouldn't stay for that, it's usually just under what we can emotionally cope with...damaging but not incapacitating...that's why it's so dangerous, we are like frogs in water that has been gradually heated up...we don't realise what is happening and we don't jump out before damage has occurred.

AnastasiaSteele Sat 06-Oct-12 23:32:44

hope you are ok today and getting some peace

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