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Is this cheating?

(26 Posts)
unsureonline Wed 03-Oct-12 16:23:05

NC'ed and don't want to dripfeed but can't think what details to give at the moment so sorry if I do! Basically the situation is that I use a sex-based roleplaying site and have done for a few years on and off, since before I met my current DP. I've told him I've used the site, he's been on it too but hasn't actually used it but I haven't actually explicitly made it clear I'm still role-playing on it now and again, really because I'm embarrassed about most things I do online in case it looks weird or in case I have to hold back details I'd like to share anonymously (I don't talk about MN'ing to DP either).

This site involves writing fictional scenarios, not about yourself but about fictional characters, like writing part of a book and then the other person writing the next part etc, only a lot of it involves sex. I don't count this as cheating/an emotional affair as it's not about me or trying to get someone to flirt with me, it's just writing fiction. However, a close friend found out I use it and is convinced it's a form of cheating and I'm lying to DP and being unfaithful to him as it's still another man at the other end writing erotic scenarios 'to me'. Now I'm unsure, what do you think?

No of course it's not cheating.

Your friend is a loon.

fiventhree Wed 03-Oct-12 16:29:18

Really easy one to answer...are you comfortable telling him about it? If not, you shouldnt be doing it, unless it is a casual relationship you are dp are having.

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 16:30:16

I don't know how this site works, do you just exchange scenarios with the same person, back and forth?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 16:34:36

If this erotic writing thing is a relatively big part of who you are, you should be able to be up-front about it. Privacy is fine in a relationship but secrecy is not healthy. Either way, it's not an affair.

Strawhatpirate Wed 03-Oct-12 16:34:40

Is it more of a fan fiction kind of thing? It doesn't sound like cheating to me but then again I don't think playing role playing games are cheating either. The only way I think that kind of thing could be cheating is if its a kind of live action thing or if you actualy start to believe you are your character :s

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 16:39:30

another man at the other end writing erotic scenarios 'to me'

This is the bit that I'm not sure about. Is this different to sending erotic texts to someone in 'real life'?

I'm asking that question to myself as much as the people on this thread.

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 16:41:23

it's not about me or trying to get someone to flirt with me, it's just writing fiction

If it was just about writing fiction though, you could write it yourself without involving other people. That's what makes me think you're not being entirely truthful, plus this:

I haven't actually explicitly made it clear I'm still role-playing

I guess it depends on whether you are pleasing yourselves while you write to eachother?

Teeb Wed 03-Oct-12 16:53:06

Would you feel comfortable with him writing fantasy role play ideas he has with other women behind your back?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 17:00:24

It's sort of DIY porn, isn't it?

unsureonline Wed 03-Oct-12 19:22:05

Sorry about the delay, had to go out with ds. To answer the q's;

- I'm not comfortable telling DP about it but not because it's sex-related, I hate telling anyone I'm on any kind of forum or talking to people online, or writing in fact - when DP once 'caught' me on MN and asked what it was I cringed because I feel like it's somehow 'silly' talking to people online and get very embarrassed about it (probably from a lot of bullying at school about being 'geeky' and liking to make up stories - as in writing fiction, not lying). I wouldn't mind telling DP about it from a fidelity side, if I didn't feel that insecurity that I'd be laughed at. It's ridiculous because DP is quite 'geeky' too and member of loads of forums but I can't shake the feeling. It's not a casual relationship though.

- On the site you basically co-write erotic stories, so a more literate long-winded version of 'Made up charry 1 went into the bar', 'Made up charry 2 met 1 in the bar', 'They went home together', '1 put his in 2' etc. You co-write with the same person on any one story but then move on to writing another with someone else, just whoever wants to, no-one knows each other's identities (unless they chat privately and choose to get more personal, which I never do). I think it's different to sending erotic texts because you have no idea who the other person is and it doesn't matter as long as they can write half decently, it's not about an attraction to that person.

- It is very much like fanfiction, only with two people writing it instead of one. I suppose that's the other reason I feel secretive about it, because sometimes it involves film/tv characters which feels quite 'teen-ish' to me even though I know others my age do it.

- I could just write it myself but I find that quite dull and hard-going, especially as I'm so shy about sharing what I write so never get any feedback from anyone about it - this way I can write a little then someone else 'takes the strain' - it's like being able to read a book and have a hand in deciding what happens in it at the same time.

- I can't speak for anyone else but I'm not pleasing myself when on there. I very occasionally get offered a picture or asked if I want to chat by webcam but don't want or accept any of those requests.

- I'd feel comfortable with DP doing exactly the same as me, not knowing the people involved and not having any private chat about himself/his life so it wasn't getting personal. I never reveal anything about myself, no 'what are you wearing' or 'where do you live/what do you like in bed' etc.

- I've tried involving DP in a roundabout way before, we bought a couple of erotic books with a view of reading to each other but then he went off the idea so we never did. I also suggested once writing together (not specifically erotic) and again he said yes but has always been very lukewarm about carrying out the idea, so I suppose it's filling a void for me.

Thanks to everyone who's said it's not cheating, that's how I always felt before but it seems to be a mixed response (on here and friend's different view) so now I'm not sure.

unsureonline Wed 03-Oct-12 19:24:08

Sorry, my asterisking didn't work, that should have read

'1 put his c**k into 2' and

"offered a c**k picture"

chipsandmushypeas Wed 03-Oct-12 19:25:45

I personally wouldn't like my DP doing that with other women, especially without telling me. I would find it unfaithful, it's basically cyber sex.

zippey Wed 03-Oct-12 19:33:09

You have to make up your own mind about this. If you are happy in the knowledge that its not cheating, then see it as that.

Personally I do not think it is cheating.

It sounds odd. Do you know the gender ofthe other writer? If you're not deriving sexual pleasure from it, or seeking another emotional bond with someone else then I suppose its not cheating, its sort of a hobby.

If it were dp doing it though, I know I would feel hurt and betrayed. Sex and fantasy is something I share with him and i would not be comfortable with his sharing those things with others.

Strawhatpirate Wed 03-Oct-12 19:49:31

After reading the update I think your friend was very wrong about making you feel guilty for doing something you enjoy. If you like it you should carry on and nevermind if other people don't like it or think it geeky! Never feel guilty about being yourself :D

unsureonline Wed 03-Oct-12 20:03:29

Male 'players' seem to play male roles and vice versa but no, I don't actually have any idea of the gender of any writers and don't seek to find out, it's not important to me.

I do agree that, for me, it's not cheating, but I'm realising that I would prefer to share this with DP rather than a random stranger, just have to find a way of broaching it with him, getting past the embarrassment.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 09:24:20

You're aware that, even if you're not 'pleasing yourself' when you're writing this stuff, you're basically acting as a free sex chat-line for the guy on the other end? Does that bother you?

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 04-Oct-12 09:42:48

As a ahem avid reader of slash fiction, particularly involving a Certain TV show- I don't see how this is 'cheating'. Any more than writing anything that people may find erotic and get off on.
Blimey- how many women find their nethers thrumming watching the divine Mr Cumberbatch on Sherlock? Is that cheating as wel????

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 09:48:14

It's one thing to write erotic fiction. It's another doing it 'live' for some grubby bloke who is presumably at the other end, desperately trying to keep typing with one hand! Not cheating, just a bit ... eww...

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 04-Oct-12 09:56:24

It is probably more likely a female at the other end- since it seems the slash fiction communities are full of female writers. And - Gross Generalisation alert- the female writers are much much better at being erotic. blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 09:58:22

Even tackier!

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 04-Oct-12 10:00:45

Well- or even more erotic, depending on one's viewpoint....

Dahlen Thu 04-Oct-12 10:58:58

While I can't see the appeal TBH I don't think this is cheating. The main danger would be the blurring of lines between fantasy and reality, role-play character and your own innate desires. As long as you can maintain boundaries and not allow the thrill you get from this to detract from your relationship with your DP, I don't see the problem.

riverboat Thu 04-Oct-12 11:16:53

I wouldn't class it as cheating, and I don't think its particularly weird or 'ew' either, compared to what some get turned on by.

Your DP knows that this interests you - if he has never asked you if you still do it, for all we know he assumed you continued or at least doesnt care much one way or the other?

l do think you should broach it with him though, because you do have another sexual 'life' albeit an unusual and IMO innocuous one outside your relationship. It doesnt seem right to keep that from him, even indirectly. Ypu have to take his feelings and reactions into account.

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