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unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do.....

(94 Posts)
lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 15:35:18

I found out yesterday that I?m pregnant, and this was totally unplanned and bad timing. I?m about 2 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure how far I am.

Background: I?ve been dating DP for 5 months. I genuinely love and care for him. He already has a 3 yr old DS to his XP and has to travel 1 hour to pick him up. I live even farther away from his son. The reason he?s living in this area is because of his son. His family lives 5 hours away. Prior to yesterday, we?ve talked about marriage and children. I already made plans to spend the Christmas holiday with his family and son. We made these plans a couple months ago. We?re very sure we want to be together. We have plans to travel, marry, etc.

When I told him yesterday that I was pregnant (via phone), his immediate response was that he would 100% support whatever choice I make. Later, when he came to my house, I asked him his preference. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He feels like our timing is completely off. He made the point about how our living situations don?t coincide right now, he has to worry about being close to his 3-year-old son, and that we don?t have family support. As I said, his family lives 5 hours away, and I was raised by my grandparents who are too elderly to watch a baby (we both hold full time jobs). He pointed out that we had plans to travel, marry, etc. I agree with all that.

DP doesn?t see anything inherently wrong with abortion being that I?m only 2 weeks. He said he sees it as a mass of cells and not a child at this point.
I agree that the timing couldn?t be more awful. I wanted to marry and make his son my stepson. I wanted to build a life together and have children later. The thought of having a child right now terrifies me.

I can?t help seeing the pregnancy as a child, though. I feel like an abortion would be wrong. I don?t know how I could ever feel like I deserve another child if I would abort this one.

I?m really struggling, though, because the last thing I want to do is bring an unwanted child into the world. I know he doesn?t want this baby at this point in our relationship. I grew up without a father. I don?t want to force him into a situation he doesn?t want to be in. Plus, our relationship is so new. I know this is legally my choice, but I feel he should have a say in this, too. He keeps telling me over and over that he will support my decision. I just don?t know what to do.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 15:48:48

You seem to be talking more of what he wants than you.

What do you want? I can tell you don't want an that the same as wanting a child? Is there a chance you want a child?

It's your body and your choice ultimately. I'm sure he's shocked right now, and while he's said some words to indicate support 'whatever', reading between the lines, it sounds like you are being put under a degree of pressure.

How old are you?

How important are these plans? Are they more important than a baby? (Because you know life happens when you're making other plans, as the chestnut goes).

look after yourself, you must be so stressed.

Dahlen Wed 03-Oct-12 15:49:14

You take him at his word. He's told you his preference but that the decision is yours to make, which makes him sound like a decent guy TBH. And it is you decision because it's your body and your life that will be primarily affected.

Sounds to me like you already know what you want to do and are just looking for reassurance that it will work out. No one can give you that, but it's a fairly safe bet that your relationship and life will suffer if you go ahead with an abortion that you don't really want.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:51:54

Don't panic is the first thing. Give yourself some time to think it through properly and balance up the practical considerations with the emotional ones. If you feel an abortion would be wrong that pretty much trumps everything else. In a similar situation as you 13 years ago I opted for motherhood because, even though everything was utterly wrong, I really couldn't have lived with the alternative. If your boyfriend says he'll support you, I'd take him at face value

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 16:00:45

I'm 30 years old. I've never been married and don't have children. I want children someday. I didn't want a child in 9 months.

I got out of an abusive 3 year relationship and was in counseling for 8 months before I tried dating again. I'm shocked that I'm pregnant after 5 months of dating DP. I wanted to have a wedding and buy a house together maybe in 9 months....not become parents.

This guy is truly good, though. Prior to the pregnancy, I was happy and at peace in my life for the first time in my dating history. He wants me to be happy. He doesn't want another child right now, but he told me that what matters most to him is me being in his life forever.

Both abortion and parenting are incredible to me at this point.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 16:02:50

I just don't want to do this to him. I don't want to put him in this situation where he's balancing a child here and a child there and a family 5 hours away. The timing is just dreadful.

itsallinmyhead Wed 03-Oct-12 16:03:11

I believe very strongly that regardless of the decision you make, you must make the decision you feel/ believe is the correct decision for you.

It's great that you want to take on board your DP's preference but you have to do what you feel is right, irrespective of his preference.

The timing might be crap but this is probably one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make so as you believe you are only a couple of weeks gone, you have time to seek specialist support to allow you to make a well informed choice that you believe is the right choice.

MillyStar Wed 03-Oct-12 16:03:30

He might say he doesn't want the baby but if he is angood dad to his other child then I'd bet my life he would adore yours aswell

I was in the same situation as you last year, bf was completely against me keeping the baby, we now have a 5 month old daughter who is the centre of our universe

As a mother a baby is a baby the second you are pregnant, I think blokes need to see/hold the baby before they realise what it means

Do what's right for YOU xx

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 16:10:58

Do you all really believe it's right for me to have this baby against the father's wishes?

Honestly, what I'm thinking is that I have to have the abortion. I don't want to put him in this situation.

I feel responsible for getting pregnant. You see, I've never been on birth control since I lost my virginity at 19. I've always used natural planning and known my body well. I must have unknowingly ovulated twice last month. He trusted me.

I also believe that I have to break up with him if I have the abortion. I know in my heart that I'll never believe that I deserve another baby.

skiesmylimit Wed 03-Oct-12 16:27:41

My partner begged and begged for an abortion, we had been together for 5 months.

He has since apologised and thanked me as we have our now 3 and a half year old right infront of me splashing me whilst he's in the bath

It was hard to go against his wishes, and was hard with the arguing because of it.but now we are both so thankful I didn't. We are now married and have a DS2, 5 months old. We wer young with our first, 18. But I managed.

Do what YOU want. Not what anyone else wants. Its your body, your the one that would have to go through the procedure/birth. Your the one with prime parental responsibility.

I hope you make the decision which you feel is best for you.and one which you won't regret xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 16:29:23

If you have the baby it would not be against his wishes, it would be in favour of your wishes. And, as regards responsibility, if he'd wanted to be very sure there would be no children he could have used barrier contraception rather than just relying on your natural planning. You haven't therefore put him anywhere that he couldn't have chosen to avoid.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 17:50:58

I just feel such a range of emotions.

One minute, I can't imagine aborting this pregnancy. I imagine he would come around to the idea of it, and we would make it work regardless of the bad timing.

The next minute, I can't imagine keeping this pregnancy knowing I don't have a willing father. Abortion makes sense. I think about moving on together and believe our relationship is strong.

Another minute passes, and I want to abort the baby and break up with him. I don't think I'll ever feel good about wanting another baby with him.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 17:53:31

I just texted him what I just posted, and he responded that I would know I made the right decision in time after the abortion was over and we moved on together.

He genuinely sees this pregnancy as nothing more than a mass of cells and not a baby.

I feel angry with him for not sharing my same feelings, but I can't possible expect him to feel the way I feel. He's entitled to his opinion!

And I can't shake the idea that this is just as much his choice as mine.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 18:00:58

He's had his say but ultimately it's your call. You're already feeling very different towards that 'mass of cells' and the reason for that is that it's part of your body, and it's not part of his. He can't tell you to remove it - which is what this amounts to - any more than he could tell you to have your appendix taken out. It is wrong for him to pressure you in any way. When I discovered I was pregnant with DS his father never once uttered the word abortion. If he had, I'd have had nothing but contempt for him.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:09:05

Yes, I feel very resentful. Yet, I feel he's entitled to say his preference. I'm truly at a loss.

I don't know what to do.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:11:10

I think if you have the abortion it will be the end of your relationship anyway. As you said you could not imagine being pregnant to him again and if you want DC's in the future you will not be with him.

Put every thing aside--you have a bit of time to decide what to do. Please do NOT consider his feelings as he is NOT condisering yours when he asks you to abort.

MummysHappyPills Wed 03-Oct-12 18:12:19

I was with my dp for 3 months when I got pg. when I asked him honestly what he wanted when I told him, he said a termination. However I wanted to keep the baby, and he was delighted in the end, we are still together and he dotes on dd.

Just do what YOU want. He has already said he will stick by you no matter what. smile

hoopieghirl Wed 03-Oct-12 18:13:04

You have asked his opinion and he has given it to you.
Ultimately you have to make the choice. Follow what your heart tells you to do. You need to live with this decision for the rest of your life no matter what you choose..

MummysHappyPills Wed 03-Oct-12 18:13:52

He's entitled to be honest about his preference, but it is YOUR body, YOUR decision and you have to live with your choice, so do what YOU want.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:21:40

And if he was so so against a pregnancy at this time HE should have taken precautions---it takes 2 remember.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:23:43

I'm just so confused. My gut reaction is to keep the pregnancy. I feel awful telling him that I'm keeping it despite his feelings.

I'm going to think about it for the next couples days.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:25:43

Yes, and this has happened to him before. His 3yr old DS was conceived accidentally, as well.

I feel awful, though. He knew I wasn't on birth control, but he also trusted me.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:31:15

Well lemon if it happened to him before -trust or no trust--he was very very stupid NOT to take precautions to prevent it happening again.

Don't you dare take all the blame for this.

<< gentle slap about the head--only gentle mind>>>

SuperSlattern Wed 03-Oct-12 18:32:08

Please remember, it is easier for him to detach from the pregnancy and baby.

He won't have to go through the abortion itself.

Mollydoggerson Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:41

He knew you weren't on birth control, so what did he trust you to do????

I think you should go and speak to someone at a Well Woman Clinic asap.

You may have other choices, other than abortion. I thought there was a termination pill for up to one month after conception? (it's been many years since I've had to think about these things).

If you decide to proceed with the pregnancy, give consideration to being a single mother, things are rosie now, but it didn't work out for your partner the last time and you guys are only together a couple of months. So if you proceed, go into motherhood with your eyes wide open.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:39:48

I actually believed I was pregnant two weeks before I got a positive urine. I took 6 urine tests and one blood test in two weeks. The seventh urine came up positive. I believe this means that I somehow ovulated a second time days before my period was about to begin.

In the past two weeks that I've been believing I was pregnant, no one else believed me because of all the negative tests. I started thinking it was all psycho-somatic.

Before I got the positive, I told my DP that I would abort because I could never put him in this situation given the bad timing and our short relationship. Likewise, he told me that he would want to keep the pregnancy because he would never want me to resent him.

We have both flip-flopped now that I got a positive.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:42:04

Yes, I could take the abortion pill. That would be what I would do if I decided on abortion.

When we were talking about it, the abortion pill sounded like the way I was going to go.

Now, I'm having terrible second-thoughts.

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:43:23

I said two weeks, but I actually didn't get a positive until I was 18 days late.

Mollydoggerson Wed 03-Oct-12 18:44:37

Just as an aside and for balance, I had an abortion at 19. My situation was different, the minute I accepted I was pregnant, I knew I did not want a life long relationship with the father and I knew I didnt want a baby at that time.

I have never regretted my decision. Sometimes it is the right choice.

Only you can decide.

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 18:45:53

Huh well your DP says more than his prayers doesn't he ....
I really don't think he will hang about for long if you abort, it sounds like he has a lot he wants to do ie travelling etc
So ultimatly you have to decide COULD you go it alone as a single parent--do you want HIM more than a DC. Will you resent him not supporting you if you abort.

It's your body, your decision, but please take some time to consider what you want regardless of what he says

lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 18:50:42

The other thing that bothers me is that I was personally pro-life before this happened. "Personally" meaning I didn't think it was something that I would choose for myself.

However, I've always felt everyone should have a choice.

bochead Wed 03-Oct-12 19:11:10

Can you honestly cope with lone parenthood and all that it entails? My ex partner took a walk when I was 7 months pg, taking all choice out of my hands & I have to say I bitterly resent him for denying me the opportunity to make an informed choice, even now years later.

If you think you can cope with lone parenthood and ALL it entails, think again envisaging a child with SN's as not all children are perfect. Imagine NO maintenance, no contact & no emotional support from the father.

This is the worst possible scenario - if you think you can handle it then go ahead with the preganancy and don't look back. Your man will either jump on board for the journey and you'll feel blessed, or you'll raise your child with no regrets.

If after a good 7 days of thinking of the above scenario you still feel uncomfortable about aborting - then ffs don't as you'll never forgive yourself & your relationship won't survive your feelings of resentment and grief afterwards any way.

If on the other hand this is the love of your life, yet you meant it when you said you couldn't imagine being a Mum in 9 months time, then go ahead with the abortion. You'll be fine and have the time you want to bond with your potential stepchild, go travelling (not sure how you plan to do that with a 3 year old in the picture but hey ho), plan a nice wedding and rationalise your current living situation to one that suits everyone.

Neither solution is the right one - you face a tough choice. It really is a case of picking the lesser of the two evils for YOU. Luckily you know so early on in the pregnancy that you still have time to hole up for 7 days and ponder till you find what feels right for YOU.

allthefun Wed 03-Oct-12 20:12:39

I have been in a similar position. All I can add is that women have babies every single day in all sorts of circumstances, rich ,poor, war, famine etc etc. It's really easy to over think it and use other peoples words and ideas like "unwanted child". If you want it, it's wanted!

I have had a termination because that felt right and a pregnancy (in a dreadful situation) because that felt right. As others had said go with your instinct (and that's hard because all you try to do is rationalise the decision). Thirty is a great age for having a baby as well IMO.

allthefun Wed 03-Oct-12 20:21:22

Bochead has a point but actually even if that looks like being the case (being single with a baby) you absolutely can't predict the future.
My partner took a walk in the first trimester and I had nothing - no where to live, no money, nothing. It totally hasn't happened the tragic way I thought it would. I got everything I wanted after having my baby. I have a nice house, a lovely boyfriend lots of work and now Uni.
Do what you want based on you and you alone. If you decide to terminate I would also say do it and don't regret it.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Wed 03-Oct-12 23:27:44

Your partner is right that it is a mass of cells rather than a baby. In fact, if you wrote a full stop, that would be bigger than the baby. Calling it a baby is a sure sign you're not going to be able to have a termination.

Sorry to be so harsh, I don't mean to be. Only have a baby now if you're prepared to be a single mum. It's not something that most single mums would recommend.

bochead Wed 03-Oct-12 23:52:49

I'd never wanted anything in my life as badly as I wanted my child, that feeling didn't change just because my partner changed his mind at the 11th hour (& DS was planned !!!!!). 7 months is rather late to plan all the practicalities of becoming a first time single parent!

My child is THE single best thing that has ever happened to me. I do regret the end of my pregnancy/just after the birth being over shadowed by having to replan all the practicalities around going it alone, rather than as part of a couple as I'd envisaged when he was conceived.

Having a child is just so special & life changing in it's own right that every new Mum should be allowed to just wallow & indulge in the magic of their baby for those precious first few months.

I wanted to try and give the OP a balanced view though. My lifestyle now is not one that would suit everyone, and she has the choice I was denied.

differentnameforthis Thu 04-Oct-12 01:39:51

If he is so dead set against pregnancy & another child, he should have been a bit more responsible with the birth control! Everyone knows that not using BC leads to pregnancy, so he doesn't really have an excuse. But then, it really is daft that you use that method when you don't want children right now too, so you are equally to blame.

OTOH, you are so worried about HIS reaction, that I am wondering if, in some way you planned this? If I am way off base, I am sorry to accuse you of that. It is just that you are SO fixed on how he feels, I wonder if you are trying to justify your actions by asking us to dismiss his feelings, if that makes sense?

I had a termination, and will say that right away, it was never a baby to me. It was something invading my body, something that shouldn't be there (I also have 2 dds, born before the termination) . I knew straight off that it couldn't happen & I only had one road to take.

Others are right, anything could happen after the birth/termination. You need to decide if you can cope with all outcomes & base your choice on that.

Good Luck

StuntGirl Thu 04-Oct-12 02:29:32

You BOTH had a responsibility wrt contraception. By willingly using natural planning he was taking that chance and must now face the consequences and responsibilities of it not working.

I would suggest asking your GP for referral to counselling if you can. I think you need to talk your options through with someone impartial.

Miltonia Thu 04-Oct-12 02:30:40

No birth control? Good grief. You can't really say you definitely didn't want to baby if you were using the rhythm method.

Equally he has an unplanned baby already so he wasn't the brightest bunny in the burrow letting you fob him off with an "I know my body" story.

Either way I suspect your relationship is going to do well to survive this. If you abort it sounds like you won't be happy. If you have the baby and the two of you head straight into parenthood/reduced finances without the fun bits first, it is going to be a slog.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 02:31:51

I definitely didn't do this on purpose. I feel awful and regret It now. I never got pregnant using this method in the past 11 years. I'm shocked that I'm pregnant. Being that it didn't show up until 18 days past my missed period, I'm fairly confident that I got pregnant two days before my missed period because that was when I allowed him to......tmi, I know. But my point is that I'm shocked. I didn't think it was possible for someone as regular as me to ovulate so late in her cycle. I've never miscalculated before. I'm beyond sorry and regretful....

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 02:37:30

I realize how ridiculous I sound. I can't undo what's done now though. I appreciate all of your responses. Sincerely. I'm going to log off from this site though....

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 03:01:31

You haven't said what 'natural' method you've been using to avoid conception, but I suspect it must have something to with 'charmed life syndrome' because the only shock you should be experiencing is that you haven't got pg before.

Women's right to choose has been hard won on the back of pro-lifers and misogynists who believe that women should be kept barefoot and pregant preferably in the kitchen or the bedroom according to their whim.

Now that you've fucked up royally with whatever method you've misguidedly placed your faith in, you've got a decision to make and I would suggest you take the guillible twit him out of the equation and make your decision based on what is best for you at this time in your life.

In the scales are 'emotion' and 'expediency' and it's up to you to weigh them. Do you want a 'baybee' so badly that you're prepared to be a single parent with all that entails? Or do you want to continue your life as is by taking a couple of pills and thereafter taking some more, or having a copper coil fitted to ensure that this experience won't happen to you again until you're ready for it/want it to happen?

As I see it, it is that simple. And as for knowing in your heart that you'll 'never believe' that you 'deserve' another baby, I suggest you look into your head to discover why you are locked into such a negative mindset.

differentnameforthis Thu 04-Oct-12 03:05:49

I take it back then. I don't want to add to your pain.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 03:32:22

There's nothing for you to take back, dnft. If the OP wasn't of a mind to receive differing views and opinions from the broad church that is mumsnet, she wouldn't have posted here.

As it is, in common with all of us, only she has the power to shape, create, and otherwise determine, her life in the here and now and in the future.

differentnameforthis Thu 04-Oct-12 06:01:16

I understand what you are saying, Izzy. I felt a bit rotten accusing her of doing this on purpose. Kind of posted & wished I hadn't. But she seemed to take it on the chin smile

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 06:37:03

Second guessing is par for the course on t'internet boards such as this, dfnt grin

Accident, intent, divine intervention? You pays your money and you takes your pick.

I hope the OP makes the right choice for her regardless of habit, convention, emotion, and all of those other transient considerations that can plague an otherwise steadfastly logical mind.

kalidasa Thu 04-Oct-12 06:59:32

Some posters are perhaps a bit ignorant about the possible efficacy of natural family planning, and what that really means. The 'fertility awareness method' is very reliable if done correctly. Though I'm not sure OP if you were using fertility awareness (i.e. taking your temperature every day, charting your cervical fluid and cervical position) or whether you were relying on a 'calendar' method (counting days) which is I'm afraid much riskier because however regular you have been in the past this month can always be different. It is not possible to ovulate a second time more than 24 hours after the first, but it is possible that you ovulated very late in this particular cycle.

That's a bit irrelevant now but I just wanted to point out that relying on a natural method (used correctly) is not necessarily any more foolish than relying on, say, condoms. Any method can fail.

Re: the practicalities, what are the maternity leave pay/terms like in your current job? That's worth thinking about.

I would also say that although you have to make this decision now, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy you then have 9 months - the best part of a year - to sort things out. Probably not time to get married, move house and travel! But if he is really serious about the commitment, it's long enough to do some of those things, or make concrete plans for them. If he means what he says about planning to do those things anyway, then you could get going on them now.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 12:34:12

I was hurt last night when I read some of your responses.

I realize that when I'm hurt, that there's a reason for it, however. There's a nerve it, etc.

I'd like more thoughts on something izzy has said....

"I hope the OP makes the right choice for her regardless of habit, convention, emotion, and all of those other transient considerations that can plague an otherwise steadfastly logical mind."

So, in other words, you believe abortion is a good, logical option?

If I'm being completely honest, I do not want to go through with this pregnancy right now.

I'm struggling with that choice, though, because I'm not sure how I view abortion. My DP sees an abortion this early on in a pregnancy as an "extreme form of birth control." My DP is looking at this from a logical point of view.

There are times when I can sit back and view the pregnancy exactly as my DP views it. Then there are times I see it as a shameful, unforgivable act. Is this what I really feel, though? Or, is this society/church's thoughts?

You see, I've struggled with how I felt about abortion before this situation.....

You mentioned my negative mindset, izzy. Is there something to that? Or is this my heart? I can't decide....

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 12:41:06

My DP and I have brought up the point about how oral contraceptive will work as an abortifacient by preventing the implantation of a fertilized egg.

So, if I consider abortion wrong, then I should also consider oral birth control wrong.....

TheCraicDealer Thu 04-Oct-12 12:55:37

Do you think part of you feels guilty because you "miscalculated", making it your fault? Please don't go down that road- if you have an abortion do it because you believe that's the right thing for you, not out of some misguided loyalty to your DP. He's a big boy who knows that the rhythm method isn't the most reliable, and he could've worn a condom if he was that fussed about preventing a pregnancy.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:00:05

Yes, I feel guilty about miscalculating, and I feel loyalty toward my DP's preference. I know I'll regret any decision I don't make for myself, though.

I'm sure I don't want to be a mother right now. I do, however, want to be a mother in the future.

I'm struggling because I don't know how I truly feel about abortion.

Cabrinha Thu 04-Oct-12 13:09:36

With all due respect OP, trying to get clever or logical about what the pill does, when you don't take it, is a red herring.
Though incidentally you're wrong - or rather, not completely right. The combined pill does act to reduce chance of a fertilized egg implanting - but primarily it seeks to prevent ovulation in the first place. It also changes your cervical mucous to make it less hospitable to sperm too - preventing fertilization.

Stop thinking about the pill, and think about what you want. You HAVE to make your decision based on potentially doing it alone. I made my decision on that, despite being married and having IVF. Ideally Inez's partner will be there - but it's never guaranteed.

If you don't want a baby now, you don't have to have one. I suggest you see a counsellor though, as you sound like you're likely to blame yourself whatever you do. Be careful choosing a counseling service / some are fronts for awful hard line pro lifers (or rather, women's choice deniers)

Once you' know your decision, PLEASE at the right time - get your GP's advice on contraception. You need to understand it better than you do to make good choices.

Good luck.

mouldyironingboard Thu 04-Oct-12 13:16:54

Do you have anyone in real life you could talk to? Perhaps your GP can put you in contact with someone who can discuss everything with you properly.

My question to you is what if this is your only chance to ever have a child? A termination is a huge step to take if you aren't 100% sure about it. This is your body and ultimately your decision to make. If your partner says he will support your decision, that is a good sign that he will help you out both financially and practically if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

itsallinmyhead Thu 04-Oct-12 13:18:45

Here here Cabrinha You won't hear anything more 'right' in regards to balanced, unbiased support OP.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:19:51

I already know I don't want a baby right now-- single or not.

How do I decide how I feel about abortion, though?

Cabrinha Thu 04-Oct-12 13:23:20

Can I just add, there is NO shame in changing your position on something. You could have been a fervent marching placard carrying pro lifer. Doesn't matter. This is your choice now, and it's a hard one - but if you choose not to continue with the pregnancy, it simply doesn't matter if that means you now question your beliefs. It's very emotive, no-one truly knows til they're faced with it. But we all live and learn and grow - doing something that is not what you previously believed, doesn't make you a bad person.

nowwearefour Thu 04-Oct-12 13:26:54

the thing that strikes me is within the period you think you might want children, how is it going to be 'good timing' with your dp having a 3 yr old in another place? i think you cant wait 15 yrs for his 3yr old ds to grow up? os you will work out the options but you cant have a relationship with someone you will grow to resent more and more. you should just do what YOU want and if he is decent (which he sounds) then he will stand by you. dont abort just because of the timing and him. do what is best for you.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:27:51

Yes. I understand that fully now and wish I didn't.

I'm genuinely struggling right now, though. I don't know how I feel or think. I'm not masking an obvious shift from "pro-life" to "pro-choice."

I truly don't know how I feel, and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:28:40

I'm going to be gone for a couple hours. Thank you for your responses.

Cabrinha Thu 04-Oct-12 13:31:34

You also don't need to have a set position on abortion - except the position that it should be every person's individual choice.
I'm 37, I've had a miscarriage, and been through IVF - I still couldn't tell you how I feel about abortion,
Before my miscarriage, I was waiting for my scan, and the sonography asked the standard question about markers for Down's, and did we want to know? I said yes, believing I'd probably terminate. 10 minutes later and I knew the pregnancy was over already. I kicked myself thinking "why did you even think about abortion, you'd have ANY baby back right now". 2 years later... You know what, we asked for tests again.
My opinion changed - I was back to thinking it could make a difference to my decision.
Sorry to go on about me - I just want to show, that views change. I'm not a weak person, or a hypocrite. I'm human.
If you continue the pregnancy, very likely you'll be glad you did - but with some sadness perhaps at timing, especially if your relationship is under stress.
If you don't continue, again very likely you'll be glad you did. But I expect it will take longer to feel that way.
Please though, PLEASE - an abortion now doesn't take away your right to have a baby in the future. It really doesn't.

itsallinmyhead Thu 04-Oct-12 13:31:51

You speak to an abortion counselling service. If you're in the UK, the NHS website would be the best place to start.

Just a thought. Abortion must be one of the hardest decisions and actions a woman might ever make....the alternative is to potentially bring an unwanted life into the world & resent it?

I'm not in your shoes, but I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my second child. My daughter is 14 & I believed I never wanted another.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked & scared but I knew I wanted my baby...regardless of what my DP preferred.

That was the right choice for me & I'm lucky my DP felt the same but my decision wasn't going to be changed if he didn't.

You need to make the best choice for you & if you are saying you don't want this baby. Go seek specialist support to guide you through your options.

Best wishes

MouMouCow Thu 04-Oct-12 13:36:19

Lemon, I also had an unwanted pregnancy and DP absolutely freaked out at the news. We were in our late 30s that's about the only difference with your case. I wasn't too sure what to do and my GP recommended counselling. I didn't take her up on the offer, but gave myself time to sleep on it and think it through. I eventually decided to keep the baby and go through with it, despite the lack of family support close by.
DP fell in love with DS the moment he saw him, he actually fainted in the delivery room. Up until that point he thought we had done a terrible mistake. After holding DS though I could see that he had no regrets.
DS is now 18 months old and is adored by both his mummy and his daddy. it is hard working full time and looking after a baby, it is expensive and the lack of help means we don't get a break, not even for an hour on week ends. But then I don't see DS all day during the week as I'm at work so I wouldn't want to also not see him in the evening or during the little time we have together during week ends.
Don't rush into things, you may very well change your mind a few times, it is an overwhelming news and you are clever enough to know your life as you know it will be dramatically changed. But I've never loved like this before and I knew when I carried him that his life deserved a chance (I was 38 though so had less of a chance of conceiving again). It has also helped DP learn to love. He comes from a very toxic family and I can see how DS is reconciling him with himself (funnily enough). Anyway, this is my story... A long winded way to say, take your time. You are only two weeks pregnant, you have about 2 months to decide. Men tend to freak out at the prospect and yes, your travel plans might have to be delayed for a while. But ultimately, if you decide to go through it you will fnd a way to lead the life you want. Good luck in whatever you decide.

tabbycat15 Sat 06-Oct-12 17:11:53

Just wondering how you are. I had a surprise pregnancy & we considered termination. I was still very ill with PND & I was just getting stable on the right combination of anti depressants. My psychiatrist was very worried & for a few weeks we couldn't decide. Dh was all for the termination at the beginning. I was going to go through with it as I thought that was what he wanted & for our situation at the time. We had the 12 week scan & when we saw the heartbeat I started to cry & Dh whispered to me we are keeping it. We don't regret having her at all.

Could you have some counselling to see if that would help?

lemoncookie Mon 08-Oct-12 13:42:49

I feel very depressed. I had an appointment a few days ago to confirm everything and to see how far along I was. I had another urine but the line was very faint. My doctor did an ultrasound and an internal exam and couldn't find the pregnancy.

She feels it's either a miscarriage in the works or an ectopic pregnancy.

They've been monitoring my blood, and I have another appointment tomorrow for an additional ultrasound and internal exam.

Personally, I feel like it's just taken this long for the pregnancy to take hold. I feel very strongly that I ovulated late in my cycle and that even though I'm supposed to be a little over 6 weeks along (from the date of my last period), I feel that I'm only a little over two weeks along. I don't feel that there's anything wrong with the pregnancy and that I'm still going to have to make a decision.

I'm hoping my doctor is right, but I know in my heart that there's nothing wrong, and I'm still going to be faced with this decision.

I'm on the brink of tears every minute.

I've already investigated taking the abortion pill and have that scheduled for the upcoming weekend.

I don't know if I can go through with it. I also know I don't want to be a parent.

tabbycat15 Mon 08-Oct-12 14:18:03

Thanks for updating. I've been thinking if you & wondered how you were.
How has your partner been since you have been to the Dr?
You must be all over the place with everything are you close with your mum? Do you have a friend that you can talk to about things?
I know when we were thinking about a termination that even though I thought it was what Dh wanted I just had a nagging feeling that I couldn't go through with it. Our Dr saw us a few times & said most people come in & say that's what they want but he could see we were dithering so gave us more time. I think if you are dithering then you really don't want a termination deep down.

I know it's a hard decision & it feels that whatever way you choose us wrong but just go with your heart what you really want to do.

Brodicea Mon 08-Oct-12 14:52:19

Oh Lemon what a dilemma.
Take each day as it comes - see if there is anything wrong first and then, as everyone else has said, take time to think this through.

Everyone has such different experiences to offer, but I had a termination when I was 17 and while I felt it was the right thing at the time (and still do in my rational mind) I still mourned for the baby, and have never forgotten to count the age of the imaginary child; and now, many moons later, I am trying to have a baby, I still feel like I don't 'deserve' to have a healthy baby. I had no idea that abortion would not just erase my mistake, it would be a source of continuing sadness in my heart, although my head knows it was right.
Now for my one story, you will get many more where abortion was the right choice and no regrets at all - it sounds though like your heart may well want this baby, and you will find the strength to keep it if you choose to. Not to sound too cheesy, but you need to go with your gut instinct.

runningforme Mon 08-Oct-12 14:54:08

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your confusion and distress. I just want to share a potted version of my situation. I was at uni when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't abort, so went ahead with the pregnancy and my fiancée and I went on to marry when DS was 3 months old. We were broke and had to scrape together to survive. But we did. Dh finished uni, we both got jobs. All this despite finding out, when DS was 6 months, that I was pregnant again. I was devastated but knew that, again, I couldn't abort. So we worked hard and rode out the ups and (many) downs. We both had dreams of travel and careers,and you know what? We have travelled plenty. It took saving and creativity and sacrifice,but we have travelled both with and without the kids. 3 years ago I got pregnant again - finally a planned pregnancy! When dd2 was 6 months Dh was offered a job abroad. So we upped sticks, gave up everything we had and moved halfway round the world with the 3 kids and started from scratch. It was the perfect combo of career and travel.
I'm writing all this to say that kids do not have to mean the end of dreams and plans. It takes sacrifice and a little creativity, but things are still possible.

Just take your time to really soul search. Your dp could walk away regardless of your decision, so this has to be about YOU and what you can live with. Best of luck x

lemoncookie Mon 08-Oct-12 15:51:52

I broke down on the way to my appointment a few days ago and told my DP that I felt an enormous amount of pressure from him to abort. He told me he still holds to his preference of abortion but that it is entirely my choice and that he will support me if I choose to have this baby.

He told me the most important thing to him is me, and I believe him.

MummysHappyPills Mon 08-Oct-12 17:11:35

I also agree that a baby is not a barrier to travel or a career. I took a year out if med school to have dd, after being with dp 3 months. I am just starting my second year back, and going to India on my elective next year with dp and dd in tow, he is just taking his al in one big chunk.

MummysHappyPills Mon 08-Oct-12 17:12:50

I'm so sorry, I didn't read you earlier update. sad Hope things work out.

pushchairbore Mon 08-Oct-12 17:14:39

If they think it may be ectopic they really shouldn't have sent you home. That can turn serious very very quickly

lemoncookie Mon 08-Oct-12 18:33:26

My doctor just called, and the pregnancy is normal. My levels are doubling. I knew it was normal.... I seriously ovulated two days before my missed period-- i know it. This is just unbelievable to me.

tabbycat15 Tue 09-Oct-12 05:51:11

How are you feeling about things now the Dr has called with the results?

lemoncookie Wed 10-Oct-12 13:52:20

I went in for a second ultrasound and internal exam yesterday. I went to the hospital since my doctor said the equipment there is more advanced. The conclusion is that I'm 3 weeks pregnant (gestational).

That would mean that I'm 5 weeks if you count the 2 weeks before I was actually pregnant.

That confirms that I got pregnant 2 days before my missed period.

The pregnancy isn't showing a baby yet, though. From what I read, it's probably too early for it to show up. There's a sac, but they were unable to identify anything inside the sac.

I'm scheduled for another exam next week.

I'm just beside myself on what to do.

Yesterday my boyfriend laid down next to me and told me that there's no reason we can't have the baby. He said he's thought about it, and he is certain that he wants to marry me and have children with me. He mentioned that I have excellent medical coverage, and that we both have good paying jobs. He said the timing is awful but that no one is ever really ready for a baby. He told me we can give it a horrible name and raise it and let his older son beat the hell out of it. (He said the last part to make me laugh).

I have never felt more loved in all my life. I know he meant every word and that it was sincerely said and meant because he was watching me struggle.

Prior, I felt that he was only telling me it was my choice because he knew that was the right thing to say. Now, I know that he has 100% given me permission to have this baby. And I am 100% certain now that he is the man I will marry. No one has ever loved me so selflessly. This baby will complicate everything in our lives right now, and he doesn't care.

I feel freed to make my own choice. However, I'm still struggling. If I'm being 100% honest, I don't want to have this baby. I'm not ready to be a mother. I want to get rid of it before I see a baby or hear a heartbeat.

Then, I get emotional and remember that I'd be destroying a potential life that my DP and I created. I remember that I want to be a mother someday. I question whether abortion is right and moral.

I don't know how to make this decision on my own, but I have to make it on my own.

tabbycat15 Wed 10-Oct-12 15:08:17

Thanks for updating. It seems that your dp has come round to the idea now but I can see that you are still confused. Could you ask at the hospital if they have any counselling? Talking to someone may help you work things out.

MTBMummy Wed 10-Oct-12 16:27:28

Lemon - I had an abortion many years ago (I was 22) the baby would have been born on my birthday, I had an abortion for a number of reasons, no partner, no job stability, minor drug issues - I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday after that, because all I could think was that I should have been sharing it with a beautiful little girl

I then had 2 miscarriages, I will never know what really caused them, but I will always blame the abortion

Luckily 3 years ago I had my amazing DD, again an accident, at 31, since she arrived a lot of my guilt has finally been released, the timing wasn't great, I had a job but I hated it with crap maternity benefits, I was in rented accomodation, had no close support network and was suffering with depression.

Unless you are extremely lucky, there will always be a reason not to have a baby, but may I suggest you speak to someone at Marie Stopes about their councling service, they really are good, and I wish I had used them sooner.

lemoncookie I had a miscarriage at about your stage nearly 3 years ago now. It was a long, heavy, painful period. I was very sad because I wanted to be pregnant, and it didn't work. But I don't blame my body for destroying or rejecting a potential life that DH and I had created - it was just one of those things that happened. Personally, I don't think it's a 'baby' at this stage. It's a potential baby. And sometimes your body rejects that potential, and sometimes your mind does. And both are sad, but both are absolutely okay. You're not a bad person if your body rejects a pregnancy, nor are you a bad person if your mind does.

I think the best gift I can give my children is to want them, to plan them, to be ready for them. Motherhood was such terrifying upheaval anyway, going into it in two minds, or with any resentment or anxiety about the process would have made me very unhappy. I'm glad I had the time to work out my life with DH a little, to travel a little, and to establish myself in my career a little. Whether you decide to stay pregnant or terminate the pregnancy, you're not a bad person. You can have an abortion and still not be sure 'how you feel about abortion' - what matters is how you feel about your life, and how you feel about being a mother in under a year.

Incidentally, I've got a 2 year old now and am pg again. I don't believe that I did anything 'wrong' and so was punished with a miscarriage, nor do I think if I'd had an abortion that I wouldn't deserve to be pregnant again later. I love being a mother, but it is a very intense state of being. I wouldn't wish it on someone who wasn't sure they wanted it.

lemoncookie Wed 10-Oct-12 18:00:38

In all my torment of back and forth.....I've never thought about it the way you described it, blackcurrents. I've never thought about it as your body could reject the pregnancy the same as the mind can. It's an interesting perspective.

Thank you for that.

And thank you, tabby, for checking up on me. It means more than you know.

Wishing you lots of power, lemon - (no way I could write that without it coming out as hippy drivel!) it's an unenviable position to be in. People say the BPAS councilling is unbiased and very good.
Treat yourself with compassion, whatever you decide you are going to have to be very brave. I am sure you will be.

tabbycat15 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:32:37

How ate you today?

tabbycat15 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:35:05


lemoncookie Thu 11-Oct-12 13:54:15

I feel distressed and confused, honestly. I can't decide what the best decision for me is.

I know that I don't want to be a mother. I'm not ready for it. I also know that termination is a choice I don't feel prepared to make.

Doha Thu 11-Oct-12 13:59:57

Could you go through with the pregnancy anad give the baby up for adoption?

runningforme Thu 11-Oct-12 14:09:02

Hi Lemon If you are not prepared to terminate, then I think that you should go ahead with your pregnancy. I don't know of a single mother who has gone on to regret their child/ren. However hard and however much the upheaval of having a child is, it is worth it all and then some. <hugs>

I haven't read the whole thread sorry but something you said early on struck me. About him getting a say too about the future of your pregnancy. I got pregnant at 17 after 3 days of being with my XH. We were using contraception. I knew I personally couldn't have an abortion but I couldn't reconcile that feeling with forcing him to bring up a baby if he didn't want it. I felt he had as much right to decide on his future as I did on mine. I told him I would not be aborting, but if he choose to walk away then (at 6weeks pregnant, after only a month together) I would respect his decision and bring up the baby alone, never ask him for money/time. Never tell anyone I knew who the father was. And he would never have to see me or the baby again. He made the decision to stay.

I think what I'm withering on about is the fact that your decision has to be based on what is best for you. But if you feel like I did about your partners feelings/future etc there are other ways around it.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. An unexpected pregnancy is hard going.

Lemoncookie access some counselling. Get some ubiased help with this. There's lots out there: BPAS, Marie Stopes - these people are professionals for a reason, which is because this is really hard. You deserve help.

Apocalypto Thu 11-Oct-12 19:40:33

I don't know of a single mother who has gone on to regret their child/ren.

+1 for this. Could not agree more. I don't think anyone ever looks at their baby, their 2 year old, their 6 year old asleep in her bed, etc, and thinks "I wish I'd aborted you and got on with my brilliant career (or whatever)". Never happens.

I have two, the first conceived 5 weeks into the "relationship". Somehow we survived this and we both love them both to bits. Even though we are skint all the time...

On balance, you will meet more people glad they kept their unplanned kids than people glad they didn't.

chrissieagogo Thu 11-Oct-12 19:56:49

Without wanting to derail... I've known two women (one a family member, the other my best friend) who wouldn't ever admit out loud that, well they "regret" their children... it's not the right word... but perhaps they'd have made different choices.

My aunt because of some medical history that I don't particularly want to go into, and my BF - from childhood and to now - because of her personality, mental reasons rather than anything else; she's a very impatient, impulsive person and she's struggled with how... well all consuming motherhood can be. I don't think she was prepared for it, and although I thought maybe she had some PND, her son's 12 years old now and the last time we had a genuine heart to heart on this stuff a couple of years ago there was that old tinge of "what if i'd chosen to remain childless".

I don't think it's particularly helpful to reassure posters with "I don't know of a single mother who has gone on to regret their child/ren", because whilst that might be true, it's not true across the board.

runningforme Thu 11-Oct-12 20:39:28

chrissie as the OP has moral issues with abortion, and actually does want to be a mother (just doesn't feel that NOW is the 'right time') I think it is a fair thing to point out. Of course we all sometimes wonder 'what if?' But personally, I would rather wonder that about supposed lost opportunities than about a baby you will never forget....

DixieD Thu 11-Oct-12 20:39:40

I know people who regret having children. I also know people who regret having abortions. What other people feel is not relevant to the OP, it's what she can live with that is important.

differentnameforthis Fri 12-Oct-12 01:45:10


I agree! Women certainly DO regret having children. I was my mothers 3rd. I was unwanted, but she was talked into having me by her family & my dad.

I left home at 18. 20yrs on, we have no relationship. She just couldn't hide the fact that I was her burden. She told me at 16 that she didn't want me. And it has affected lots of my relationships since.

differentnameforthis Fri 12-Oct-12 01:49:17

Never happens

You can't say that it never happens. because it does. My mother tried to abort me using various DIY methods. I knew that I was different to my siblings, because I never felt a warmth with her. She never told me she loves me & part from doing what was necessary to raise me, she didn't show it either.

bumhead Fri 12-Oct-12 07:34:20

I have only read the first page of this thread but wanted to tell you that I was in this situation Op many years ago.
I had the termination and resented my then BF for the remainder of our relationship.
Your OH would only see it as a mass of cells, my BF saw it as like a 'tooth that needed to come out'.
After all, they didn't need to have the final say in the termination or live with the fall out after did they?
Decide what you and only you want to do.
You are 30, and there is never a 'right time' for a baby, they kind of just come along when they do.
I don't get the thing about his family being 5 hours away though, presumably he is around your age and has grown up sufficiently.
Anyway if he sorts himself out, this baby will be living with you both?
Apologies if this thread has moved way beyond my post, I just wanted to say that you have to decide for YOU because you are the most important factor in this, not your fella.

tabbycat15 Sun 14-Oct-12 11:06:02

I have been thinking about you. Just wondering how you were & if you had come to a decision.

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