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I have developed a crush on DPs best friend

(69 Posts)
Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 12:13:38

DPs best friend is over visiting from abroad. I have met him a few times and have always thought he is attractive. We went to visit him at his parents house and had such a lovely time, then he came to ours and stayed for a few days.

I have found myself getting flustered around him. His parents were so nice and normal (something DPs family definately aren't and I struggle to be around them). He is just so different to DP. DP is all stressy and shouty and I feel like we are just friends living together.

We went out sailing and when I asked if there was anything I could do to help (when me and friend were on our own), I was told I "just have to look pretty" and when he left he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I KNOW I'm overthinking this like a giggly schoolgirl but I can't get him off my mind. He has a long term girlfriend too, who is lovely. I need to snap out of it.

akaemmafrost Wed 03-Oct-12 12:20:48

Everyone gets crushes smile.

Your DP doesn't sound like much fun. What does she shout and stress about. If he's like that a lot I am not surprised you'd be attracted to someone else.

LouMacca Wed 03-Oct-12 12:35:18

Nothing wrong with getting a crush so long as you don't act on it.

It sounds like you have problems in your relationship and you need to talk to DP. Sounds like you've fallen out of love with him and getting attention off someone else is making you feel good.

sarahseashell Wed 03-Oct-12 12:44:47

sorry but "just look pretty" hmm
sounds like a bit of a smoothie

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 12:49:30

Emma- He is just a very stressy person and it has turned me into one too. I have recently been made redundant and he has started a new job. He is working long hours but the past few days have consisted of me cleaning the entire house (it was a state so took a long time. If I dont do it, it just doesn't get done), doing all his ironing, cooking and washing up dinner. Basically all he has done is lay on the sofa asking me to fetch things. He couldn't even be bothered to put the ice cream that I had passed him away last night ffs, just left an expensive tub of ice cream to melt.

I know I don't have a job at the moment but I shouldn't be his slave, should I?

There's no chance of me acting on it as he lives many hours away and I like his girlfriend.

cozietoesie Wed 03-Oct-12 12:52:05

Well he might be, Sarah, but sometimes men relax with their BF's partner or girlfriend in a way which they don't with other women - because they see them as so absolutely out of bounds - and say the sort of things which they might say to a sister.

That relaxedness may be what you're seeing and reacting to, OP.

akaemmafrost Wed 03-Oct-12 12:52:13

No you should not be his slave because you're not working. I know well how a stressed attitude can pervade the environment and rub off.

Got any dc with him? If not I would be questioning whether I wanted to be with him.

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 12:52:19

Sarah- it really wasn't meant like that. I had been complaining about sailing ( Im happy to go out on the boat but refuse to do anything as I dont know what im doing and its dps hobby).

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 13:00:21

If he's only over for a holiday, shag him, send him home and get it out of your system smile Shouty, stressy husbands need never know!

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 13:21:14

You've got a crush on someone who tells you that your sole contribution should be to 'look pretty'?

Lord, some women's 'crush standards' are getting low these days......

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:24:25

Seriously Beth, when the boys are sailing I don't want to contribute to anything more than sitting there.

If they were doing something I liked and was told to just sit and look pretty, then I would be fuming! It wasn't derogatory. I was moaning about how I hated sailing.

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 13:25:27

Cogito, he's got a long-term GF!!
OP, it's a no-go unless he becomes single, after which all is fair is he initiates things with you, as you don't HAVE to stay with you arsey P if you don't love him. But so far it's all improbable.

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 13:26:32

agree with Beth - even though it may have been his way to compliment you, but who knows maybe it's his attitude to women generally (yuk)

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:27:50

Likeatonne- I wouldn't go there. It's more like when you're 15 and have a crush on a pop star. You lnow nothing's going to happen!

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 13:27:53

you may hate sailing, but the phrase the way he said it is 'out of he 50s' patronising. He could have put it in a different way.

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 13:28:49

Iodine - so if you aer sure you won't go there, do you just want advice how to stop the crush, or aer you just sharing the secret which is fair enough?

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 13:29:12

are

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:32:21

Likeatonne- fine. You're entitled to think that, thanks for input. Just wanted to share the secret really. Couldn't tell anyone in real life as everyone around here I know are DPs friends first.

WorkingMummyof1 Wed 03-Oct-12 13:33:13

Yes you might be reading too much into it. Until you are with this friend as you are with your DP you will never know the "strangeness" of his family or what he is really like as a DP/man. Men are often charming when they are not a DP, but once they become one, the "charmer" might change into a "shouter" as he becomes more relaxed with his DP. That might be a person's right i.e. to be themselves around their DPs or it might actually be false advertising depending on how one looks at it. However the older I get and the more I see couples "behind the scenes" the more I see how some people act in a lovely way to other people, but fail to extend that curtesy to their own DPs.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 13:35:25

<<Shrugs>> no male friend of mine would ever dare to say anything like that to me because of its sexist inference and can't imagine even being friends with someone who'd come out with that line. It wouldn't matter if I couldn't contribute skills, knowledge or experience to the task at hand either.

You've got two separate problems but I think they are actually linked to your under-reaction about that comment.

You've chosen a man who thinks that domestic tasks are 'women's work' and you might have enabled that attitude too, by doing it all. What I'm seeing though is that you're living with one overt sexist who's shouty and unattractive - and you've got a crush on another who while sexist, isn't either of those things (in company at least....)

Neither man sounds like a great catch tbh. But sort out your relationship first before getting carried away with the Smooth Sailor, whose partner really doesn't deserve that.

SPsFanjoLovesItGangnamStyle Wed 03-Oct-12 13:40:21

Jesus!

He didn't say "oi wench, bring man beer and then go scrub the deck and make an food" and then beat his chest!

I know what you mean op as I'm not a loon

Everyone gets a crush, I have one on a neighbour! Think I might be turning a bit stalkery tbh grin

SPsFanjoLovesItGangnamStyle Wed 03-Oct-12 13:41:19

It really didn't take long before "sexist" was used!

LemarchandsBox Wed 03-Oct-12 13:42:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:43:32

I am just letting my mind run away with me, I don't think it's DPs friend in particular I think I'm just desperate for some fresh air and to be around someone who doesn't think my arm is an extension of his.

We spent 5 days staying with the friends parents and I know they are lovely. DPs dad didn't even deem me to be worth a "hello" the first few times I met him and DPs mum is a loon. Someone said on here earlier in the week "marry the man, marry the family" and I hate going to see DP and his messed up family.

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:47:59

SP- I have visions of you walking past your neighbours house too much and lingering for too long wink

SnowWide Wed 03-Oct-12 13:50:23

Aargh, people, major point-missing going on. Leave the "pretty" comment alone. Its not relevant. It may just be an off-the-cuff remark and it may have made OP a bit light headed and giggly. Thats how a crush feels like. You dont necessarily check someone is a perfect gentleman before developing a crush on them. So take off your judgey pants..

And yes, agree about two separate issues. OP, anyone can develop a crush, even people in stable loving relationships. You dont have to highlight your partner's shouty attitude to explain WHY you have are attracted to another man. You just have to think long and hard, whether this will be just another fantasy, or you really like this friend or given your situation, you may prefer any other man who is relaxed and friendly and NOT shouty like current DP. If its the last, then time for that relationship talk...

SPsFanjoLovesItGangnamStyle Wed 03-Oct-12 13:53:00

Iodine ohh nothing like that. I see him taking his daughter to the park and suddenly decided that my son would love to go too!

I'm still trying to work out if single or not. I haven't him with a woman yet and doesn't look like he wears a ring.

I speak to him often but I don't think I could try it with him as he may turn out tobebe a dick and ruin it for me grin

LemarchandsBox Wed 03-Oct-12 13:54:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnowWide Wed 03-Oct-12 13:57:58

Oh really??! And you've NEVER developed a crush on a movie star or singer when all you know about them is they have lovely hair? Do you actually sit there and research their morals before deciding to dribble a bit and going dreamy -eyed?

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 13:59:22

I'll keep mine on too thanks SnowWide. I think the OP's under-reaction to it is indicative of the problem. If a man said this to me it would make me gag, whereas it seems to have made the OP swoon. If you expect men to behave like this and even find it attractive, you can hardly be surprised if they treat you like a decorous maid with very few functions in life.

SnowWide Wed 03-Oct-12 14:07:00

OP says she wants to snap out of it. Instead of talking her out of it or assuring her "this is par for the course, happens to me all the time", you are actually sitting in judgement of her for not having good enough standards when developing a crush. confused

Aboutlastnight Wed 03-Oct-12 14:07:56

Remember he doesn't know what's in your head - he may be imagining you and his best friend are blissfully happy and therefore you aware a 'safe' person to flirt with.

The 'look pretty' thing is a bit yuck though -I'd have told him to piss off, in a friendly way.

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 14:12:40

OP, if you don't like your DP and his family, and you are not married/no dc, why not consider leaving him? I mean of course take time to consider, but I don't like the fact that you've just accepted this as your life, don't sound happy - you don't have to!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 14:33:37

"Cogito, he's got a long-term GF!!"

That doesn't seem to bother him!!! Go on... snog him... watch him run a mile.... smile

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 14:35:41

Likeatonne- I think it would be for the best but I have been stupid and am trapped here.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 14:39:55

Two things here...

1) This fella sounds like a bit of a slime. You don't tell your mate's OH that they are pretty in THAT kind of a scenario, especially attached
2) This crush could well be a red herring for your lack of fulfillment with DP. If you are feeling unsupported at home and like a slave and a handsome man rocks up telling you that you are pretty, your ears are bound to prick up.

Why are you trapped though? Are there practical steps you could take to release yourself?

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 14:41:54

So what if it doesn't bother him Cogito? It would bother me and I like women too much to shit on them. Anyway, Smooth Sailor isn't after an affair, that much is obvious.

Why are you trapped OP? And why have you been stupid?

Not hard to understand really - you clearly don't feel very close to your H at the moment and are having some problems with him.

Then someone comes along who flirts with you and makes you feel attractive/special, and you like that feeling - not surprisingly.

I would try to remember that it probably isn't that you are particularly drawn to the friend, just that you would be drawn to anyone who treated you that way ATM.

So I would say try to address the problems with your H before thinking about anyone else.

Oh poop, posted too soon.

Meant to carry on by saying - your P (sorry called him H before) needs to realise that you want him to make you feel attractive and special - and he's clearly not doing that now. Can you talk to him?

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 14:49:23

he's not even an H, badtasteflump!
can you un-trap yourself, or is it all difficult financially? would still be worth it long-term even if difficult.

Sorry - I always read the opening post & jump straight to my reply blush

OP - If you're not married & don't have DC with your P surely life is too short to put up with somebody you don't want to be with - however much hassle it may be to split with them...

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 15:00:03

My life is like a prison. If I leave I leave with nothing. I have no friends left where my parents live (would have to move back) as I have been away for a few years and now all my calls and texts to them get ignored. Any friends I have from my life now are all his friends. If I leave I don't see them again ( I am under no impression that they like me for me, they like me because I am DPs girlfriend).

I have spent all my money on furnishing our flat. I can't take the furniture (he claims he bought stuff that I did so he wouldn't let me take it anyway). I have nothing to show for the past 3 years of my life.

My parents bought me a Dyson for a new home present- I know it's a stupid thing to focus on but its such an expensive gift and it would go to waste if I moved back home.

We have a life planned out. I have messed up the past 3 years of my career because I have been busying supporting him to retrain. Now he is trained and things will be easier money wise. Comfortable even in a few years. I can't bear thrllle uncertainty again of never being able to afford a house.

Iodine sad

But what you're saying is - you have no friends left where you came from, but you also have none where you are.

Everything else you would lose would be material things. They can be accumulated again. Sod the Dyson!

Cut your losses, think to yourself that yes, you've 'wasted' three years of your life, but youre not going to waste any more.

Do you want to look back in 20 years time and extend that 'wasted time' to 23?

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 15:06:44

3 years is not that much a waste if you consider that you could waste dozens of years being unhappy!
Take the Dyson with you grin (I'm sure he won't begrudge you your parents' present but if he does - tough!) and move to your parents' and start gradyually finding new friends. Lots of people aer in this situation - I just moved to a new city myself and starting to look for new friends, and maybe you can start on your job situation too.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 15:07:02

None of that's insurmountable.

Those 3 years haven't been wasted either. It's given you a valuable insight into what you don't want in a man and a relationship. It's taught you never to sacrifice your financial independence, career and friendships for a relationship.

Staying for more years though, would be a tremendous waste. You haven't got children yet, but if you did you would be even more trapped with a man who would be even lazier, shoutier and meaner than now.

Be brave. This is your life.

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 15:10:26

Flump- The Dyson was just the catalyst really. It was a lot of money to my parents and they bought it for me thinking that my life is all rosy and I want to stay with DP.

I can't explain really, it's a bloody hoover fgs.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 15:10:40

Oh Iodine you sound so defeated. You really don't have to be.

Property ownership, yeah it's nice, but you know some might say it's a Thatcherite ideal that brings you security...but responsibility to repair the damn thing when it drops apart. Rented accommodation can be nice too. Your home is YOU, not the bricks and mortar, and honey, if you feel trapped in a prison, it's not a home...it is in fact...a prison.

You have plenty to show for three years. Success isn't measured by lampshades and a full set of Le Creuset. I'm sorry you've spent all your money on the flat and feel like this. I have spent an unthinkable amount on my financially abusive boyfriend, it's awful, and when I think of the nice things I could have got myself it makes me feel ill. But I have got something to show for it because I will learn and although I may have nothing to show for the last three years if I get out...three years is better than six years etc etc etc

You can build your own social network up. Friends who like you for you and not your role. That will be worth it.

You can't have messed up your career in three years by putting it on the back burner. You still have skills. Do you know how you actually mess up a career? You have to be a teacher having an inappropriate relationship with a pupil. That's messing up your career (not to mention everything else...).

Finally, a Dyson is not a reason to stay. It's a vacuum cleaner.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 15:11:34

Cross posts with everyone.

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 15:13:11

Beth spot-on as usual! the 'wasted' years should be seen as a learning curve, everyone has to sign off some things they did, and the time, as mistakes, tough lessons but valuable. You know what you want now - to be more self-reliant and then finding a calm balanced partner who supports you as much as you support him, and so on.

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 15:26:21

I don't know where to get the strength from to leave.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 15:31:39

It's okay Iodine, it's overwhelming at first - especially as you are isolated and seem bound by your perceptions of other people's expectations. You can build it up, very slowly and then leave eventually if you wish.

Maybe your first task could be to try a bit of socialising. Extend an olive branch to an old friend (eg through Facebook) or have coffee with someone where you live. Do you study at the moment? Use forums like this? Are you job hunting? Is there someone that would have an Earl Grey and a hunk of cake with you?

likeatonneofbricks Wed 03-Oct-12 15:45:00

OP, well the strength can be from knowing that your life can be different and happy if you makethis effort. Also you have nice supportive parents and can stay with them - it could have been worse!
Agree with making effforts to meet people, also maybe take up some exercise as itdoes give mental strengh as well as physical.

AgathaFusty Wed 03-Oct-12 15:46:26

If you are unhappy in your relationship and can't see that it is going to change, you should leave. Really, what are you staying for? A partner who appears to treat you with no respect and you don't appear to like very much, friends who aren't really friends, a few items of furniture, a 3 year history. Can you see yourself being happy with him in the years to come, or do you see those years ahead being much the same as they are now? Do you have receipts for the stuff you have bought, or credit card statements?

You could even take the Dyson with you when you go..

Viviennemary Wed 03-Oct-12 15:48:53

I think you should ride of with him into the sunset. If he is in agreement.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 16:22:35

I think you and your Dyson should go off together into the sunset, tbh

OP, please read back what you have written again. There are some justifications for staying in a shit relationship that are understandable. But yours ? Nope.

Iodine Wed 03-Oct-12 17:00:59

I shouldn't have mentioned the Dyson because it sounds so stupid. I just feel stupid for accepting a gift off my parents that cost so much when I didn't want to stay with this man in this house.

Every time I try to tell DP that I want to leave it's like I've flipped a switch on him. He stops shouting and arguing and sits down and tells me to not be so silly, why would I want to throw this away?

He wants us to settle down and have a family. I am much younger than him. I tell him that it's not fair to ask me to settle down so young just because he has left it later than he had planned. When he was my age he would have been busy smoking pot and having fun, not having babies and a wedding.

Viviennemary Wed 03-Oct-12 17:10:13

OP I didn't mean to be flippant. Also I hadn't read the Dyson reference. You will have to have a good think about what you want in life. And if you are genuinely not happy in your current relationship things probably won't get better and you can't settle down and have a family with this man whilst you feel like this. The Dyson and the crush I think are red herrings. It's your relationship you need to think about.

AgathaFusty Wed 03-Oct-12 17:13:07

Please don't bring a child into this dysfunctional relationship. It won't help things, you will be more trapped, he will probably become worse, and most importantly, it would not be a good atmosphere for a child to grow up in.

Typically abusive behaviour though, becoming loving and caring when you threaten to leave. I would suggest contacting Women's Aid for advice, but keep that from him.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 17:13:17

Let me just remind you, of something called free will

Gone are days of the cavemen who clubbed a woman around the head and imprisoned her in his cave

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 17:53:28

What's the age difference Iodine and how did you get together?

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 19:15:39

OP, you don't have to stay with him

You don't have to choose him to be the father of your children

In fact, I hope you realise this and get shut before you do either of these things

the father of your children is a huge choice to make, because you are tied to them for evermore

Think very, very carefully about whether if you had the choice, this man would pass muster

then, remember, you do have the choice, you are not in prison

there will be short term pain, for long term gain, believe me

MadBanners Wed 03-Oct-12 19:46:55

I developed a crush on my Dh Best Man!! It was all very teenager.....mind you, Dh knew, I used to joke to him that if he left me, then his friend would come round, to make sure I am ok, as he was nice like that and then he would stay forever!! All very romantic I am sure. Dh thought it was hilarious, and I never hid it from dh and it turned into a light-hearted joke between us about my ridiculous made up "fantasy". Lasted about a year, and now, tbh I think his best man is a bit of an immature twat and generally wet.

Anyway, crushes within a loving relationship are quite normal and generally mean nothing.

However this "My life is like a prison." suggests you need to have a serious think about your relationship. Agree with AF above. You have a choice.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 19:51:09

I have read one of ypur other threads, love

This man will stop you achieving your dreams (medicine). Believe me. Should you let him ? Please make sure your contraception is locked up to the hilt.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 19:57:02

Iodine, I had been wondering if my abusive alarm was going off. I thought I was being sensitive because I'm in that boat. I think maybe now you are in that boat. If he is trying to coerce you into big life decisions, that's worrying. You might not be ready to hear it and that's fine. I think Agatha and Any Fucker are making sense.

How old are you?

LemonDrizzled Wed 03-Oct-12 20:12:07

Iodine you are still young enough to walk away (pulling the Dyson along behind you grin ) and start afresh making a fulfilling life full of friends and laughter with someone who shares the load.

Material things mean nothing when you are miserable. Having DC with a lazyarse will be awful. Please don't do it! Go home to your lovely kind parents and look for a job/flat/new life

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Wed 03-Oct-12 20:13:16

Iodine I stayed with my older man, had a wedding and kids, and 16 years on want out v badly. and finally have strength to leave - we've had the talk but it'll still be a few months before we don't live together etc. if i could turn back time and break up pre kids i would i would i would. get out if you want to, the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

ratbagcatbag Wed 03-Oct-12 20:26:00

My DH is19 years older than me, I have a14 yo DSS and am now pregnant with a much wanted planned baby, my DH cooks, cleans and irons, he doesn't dust, but I can manage that. Just because he's older doesn't give him an excuse to a lazy arse and push you into stuff he wants to do, like kids etc. my DH will be 49 when sproglet arrives, tough, I didn't want kids too early so we had to compromise. My DH doesn't shout either.
Get out before it really is too late

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 21:04:08

Yup, nothing intrinsically wrong with a large age-gap relationship

there is something badly wrong with a bloke who wants to diminish you, though

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 20:02:02

Hope you are okay today iodine

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