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AIBU to expect ex to at least let me know about moving DD3 into a proper bed at his house?

(44 Posts)
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 21:08:14

Ex and I have a not great history. Been apart 6m, he's now with his 21 yr old co-worker who he swore he wasn't having an EA with. She was staying at our marital home within a few days of us officially splitting, he now stays at hers as I rightly went nuts about him having her stay in our home. I'm trying to get a sale through the courts. Lots of EA over the years, very controlling, reading lundy he's a water torturer, death by a thousand papercuts! I'm still v upset and angry at times, have had to completely detach, access done via my DM. I've said I don't want to talk to him, will discuss DC's via email or text but nothing else unless via solicitors or mediators. That way he can't 'push buttons.'
Last night I emailed him to say DS2 had an open eve at prospective senior school later in the month. Did he want to take him or should I? Thought I was being a considerate co-parent.
Tonight DC's ring me to say goodnight, his night to have them. DD2 tells me that he's moved them into a different room (not a problem), but then that he's put DD3 (2yrs 5m) into a cot bed. No discussion, no warning that he was thinking of it, even though it will affect her continuity between homes and how she sleeps here. Also she has preschool in the morning, so if she's really tired it may affect how she settles there. Been ok so far, but they do say she can be a little emotional if tired or has a cold etc.
I just think it's completely inconsiderate and his usual self absorbed self to not realise that this should be a joint parenting decision, as say properly starting potty training would be. Aaaahhhhh, talk me down please!!

ChasingSquirrels Tue 02-Oct-12 21:15:16

I think you are being unreasonable about the bed. He has to be their parent when he has them, he gets to make those choices. At 2y5m it isn't as if she isn't in the ball park for this change.
Different rules apply in different households, unfortunately children with parents who aren't together have to learn this.
I really don't think the bed they sleep in is a joint parenting decision.

McKayz Tue 02-Oct-12 21:18:47

I think you are being unreasonable. It is just a bed. My DSes have completely different sleeping arrangements here and at their Dads. It doesn't affect them at all.

Lueji Tue 02-Oct-12 21:19:07

Personally, I don't see much of a problem.

Potty training maybe, although, personally I'd have been happy for an ex or nursery to go through that. smile

Children can sleep in different beds when sleeping in different locations. It shouldn't be a big issue

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 21:23:10

Ok, thanks, but do you not think he should have at least told me what his plans were so I could do similar here to keep continuity. Our DC's have had such a rough time over the last year or so. I would have thought that would be the considerate thing to do, esp since he kicked off big time last summer about me moving DS2 to hot school dinners from packed lunches without asking him first. And it was always me that made the lunches anyway. It seems like it's one rule for him, and another for me.
I've never been a big fan of rushing to get DC's into a proper bed, or potty training. When they show signs of needing to move on I'm all for doing it, when they are ready.

adrastea Tue 02-Oct-12 21:27:36

Sorry, I also think you're being a little unreasonable over the big. I don't think it's a big deal at 2y5 and not a major parenting decision that would need prior discussion or agreement. I've got 50/50 custody with my ex (since DS was 3) and it is a big adjustment even in a completely amicable split so I have sympathy, but I do think this is one to let go. Children, even that young, are able to adapt to doing things differently at different places/homes.

adrastea Tue 02-Oct-12 21:28:23

'over the bed', sorry, not 'big' smile

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Tue 02-Oct-12 21:29:34

OP, do you think you should have to inform your ex if you make changes regarding what you do with your children in your home?

ChasingSquirrels Tue 02-Oct-12 21:31:35

I didn't tell my ex when i moved my similarly aged DS to a bed.
He didn't discuss with me the beds he had brought them for his house.
Its a bed, it really isn't a big deal.

There are obviously other things that are pissing you off, and these may be justified. But i really don't think the bed is.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Tue 02-Oct-12 21:36:20

<runs away from previous poster>

DorisIsWaiting Tue 02-Oct-12 21:44:26

the school dinners thing was just controlling on his part. You ensured they were fed whilst in your care. It is not his decision. But back away from the bed debate save your energy for bigger battles (like senior school decisions!).

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 21:44:40

Sammy, he's often demanded I do! I emailed him about an open eve at senior school for DS2, I guess I wrongly expected similar consideration.
It propably will affect DD3 here, she's only just in the last few months become a good sleeper, we had 18m of sheer hell with her and her reflux. No sleep for at least 1yr without many night wakings. I just don't like to rock the boat where he routine is so settled currently.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Tue 02-Oct-12 21:51:45

His demands aside (that's just him being controlling), do YOU think you should? If you wanted to get a new bed for one or change their bedrooms do you think you should clear it with him first?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 02-Oct-12 22:05:08

If I was to move her from cot to bed, (in my view a big move) or start potty training properly, then yes I would have the consideration to email him on such issues. But then, that's just me. I hope she's not exhausted for preschool tomorrow, she normally loves it, but can get emotional when tired or poorly. After 18m of her being so poorly, I hate it when she's not a happy little poppet like she so often is nowdays.

WaitingForMe Tue 02-Oct-12 23:05:47

I hope DH and I didn't upset his ex when we moved DSS2 from a cot to a bed but it never occurred to us to tell her.

sausagesandwich34 Tue 02-Oct-12 23:11:10

why would he need to tell you?

you have no control over what he does in his time and he has no control about what you do in your time -whether he thinks he does or not

school, obviously you should communicate about but where they sleep, what food they eat etc -it's up to each parent to decide the rules in their own home

ChasingSquirrels Tue 02-Oct-12 23:21:04

duh Sammy have only just realised WHY you are running away from me - I kept reading and re-reading my post

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Tue 02-Oct-12 23:27:28

I'm sorry but I also think you're being unreasonable

Emailing him about an open evening or school related things is a bit different, but other than big joint decisions (education, medical, religion etc) then what each of you do when they're with you (barring abuse of course) is nothing to do with the other parent. If he is trying to control you then this will benefit you as much as him

You have to learn to let the small things go, it takes a while for everyone to get used to the new arrangements when people split up, if you try and control and manage every little thing you will drive yourself crazy

BackforGood Tue 02-Oct-12 23:34:27

Agree with everyone else (which, if you are a regular, you'll know doesn't happen a lot on AIBU).
YABU I'm afraid. Whatever the relationship between you, he is as much their parent as you are. What he decides appropriate at his house is his call, same as you get to make the decisions when they are with you. Children cope fine with "In this house...., in that house...."

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 00:46:57

Ok thanks. Guess I'm just very sensitive over everything still, especially continuity and routine for the little ones. Still trying to rationalise our new way of life, and yes very emotional and still a bit resentful of the situation he's pushed us into.
I suffered a bit as a child with vastly differing ways of living between my mum's and my dad's house, but guess that was when I was a bit older than DD3.

Technoviking Wed 03-Oct-12 09:03:28

Blimey, my ex didn't tell me she'd moved her new boyfriend in or had a baby. While also moaning that I didn't tell her stuff.

Count yourself lucky smile.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Wed 03-Oct-12 09:05:42

duh Sammy have only just realised WHY you are running away from me - I kept reading and re-reading my post


paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 13:41:46

My poor DD3 is currently utterly distraught at going for her nap in her cot. She's not 100% well and is so tired she's yawning and crying in temper at the same time. I just keep trying to resettle her.
Guess I'll have to get a little bed for her now, but this is exactly why I thought consideration for and communication with the other co-parent should be important. The only one suffering really is my poor DD. I'm off to cuddle her now, which although won't help our settling issues, is what she needs.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 16:33:04

Technoviking, that's appalling behaviour from your ex. Did you have children together? Why are there so many selfish people out there who won't recognise how their behaviour will impact their own children? sad

adrastea Wed 03-Oct-12 21:45:43

She's not 100% well and is so tired she's yawning and crying in temper at the same time.
Poor DD, I really hope she feels better soon. Children of that age do cry and become distraught, especially when they are tired and under the weather. That could happen whether the bed changed, whether you and ex were happily together or in any situation. She is suffering tonight because she's tired and not well, all 2.5 year olds have nights like that.

Guess I'll have to get a little bed for her now
You'd have to soonish anyway, regardless of whether ex got one or your marital status etc.

If she's upset over the cot/bed issue, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be in a cot anymore, not that there's a continuity issue. Sorry if I sound like I'm being a cow, but you will feel better if you're able to feel more OK about these things. is a really good book, by the way with loads of tips and ideas for communication.

peppapigpants Wed 03-Oct-12 23:11:42

My DSD, aged 3, started at school nursery a few weeks back. DP only found out when he had weekend contact. Despite having parental responsibility, he has had no opportunity to take any part in making decisions about her schooling.

Fair enough that it's her mum who has to deal with the day to day impact of which school she attends, but it would have been nice if she could at least let the child's father know. However, she tells him nothing at all about anything (including a holiday outside the UK) and contact had to be sorted out in court.

If you can email and text your ex, be grateful for that.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Wed 03-Oct-12 23:27:20

adrastea, this was afternoon nap time, and she has never before protested about being in her cot. After her horrendous reflux issues, I really took my time making the transition from bedside bassinet to cot, she was never distressed by the slow and steady changes I made. After a year of a distressed and in pain high needs baby, there is no way I would put her through any more.
My issue is that ex didn't give me a chance to make the transitional changes at the same time as him, thus ensuring continuity.
I have spent the evening carrying in and making up a toddler bed for her, I should have been studying for an interview tomorrow. Hey ho, late night swotting methinks.
Even with a bed guard she has fallen out once tonight, over the bedguard. She was perfectly happy in her cot, but change must happen I know, it's just a shame she had to suffer because ex as usual did his own thing not caring about the consequences.
grin by the way, at chasing squirels and sammy!

NeDeLaMer Wed 03-Oct-12 23:35:56

The cot/bed is a minor inconvenience really, it has clearly just triggered the part of you that thinks 'selfish fucking bastard, what has he done to us? sad' which at this stage of things is understandable, but it's something you are going to have to deal with if you don't want your blood pressure at boiling point until the kids have left home.

NeDeLaMer Wed 03-Oct-12 23:37:07


If he wasn't such a self absorbd twat you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! <wry grin>

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Thu 04-Oct-12 00:12:47

NeDeLaMer, you are quite right. <Wry grin back>
I've resolved the bed issue, although I hate it, just found her with her legs hanging off the end, precariously balanced. I won't sleep a wink tonight, lol.

NeDeLaMer Thu 04-Oct-12 00:20:58

Just put something on the floor (like her cot mattress), she'll be fine. She'll sort if out in a night or two. It's a shame as she was happy/settled in her cot and if you are anything like me you'll feel it's a 'baby stage' he's taken away early (twat) but really, you just have to save your energy for the inevitable Big Stuff. Bastard.

Death by a shovel over his head and a quick shove in a deep hole sounds quicker than by papercuts

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Thu 04-Oct-12 00:34:48

Thank you ne. You understand where I'm coming from.
Yes my baby stage has been taken from me, before she was really ready too, or me. Luckily she still lives cuddles in mummys bed and the gruffalo read to her at night.
Personally I'm hoping he'll have a heart attack ( not death, just a shock mind you) from his excessive Viagra and 21yr old usage. grin

sookiesookie Thu 04-Oct-12 07:25:43

Yes my baby stage has been taken from me, before she was really ready too, or me

Op is th nicest way, you are being dramatic. The baby stage has not been taken away. I get he is a twat but, this is really an non issue imo.

I can see why he wanted to know about school meals as it would have effected him as he gets them ready for school. He didn't have to be consulted, but made aware of the changes. Yes he should know about open evenings.

But really, what bed your child sleeps in is his decision as is his house.
Fwiw ds has been in a bed since 13 months. His cot broke and we didn't want to buy another for the short period.
we put cushions on the floor I case he fell out. He was fine.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Thu 04-Oct-12 11:17:00

Skokie, I was replying to nedelamers comment. I know it was almost time to move her on, just a bit sad about it. But my main issue, was and always had been how we couldn't time these things together for the good of DD.
And ex never did packed lunches either, even on the nights he has them, they'd come back to me and I'd have their lunches ready. He'd have filled their packups with chocolate biscuits if he'd done it, lol.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Thu 04-Oct-12 11:18:04

Sookie, sorry, autocorrect!!

NeDeLaMer Thu 04-Oct-12 23:21:51

Sookie - just because you didn't mind your baby being in a bed at 13 months doesn't mean everyone feels the same way. Moving from a cot to a bed is a 'growing up' milestone for most parents. After all the changes they have been through the OP & most importantly her DD probably could have done without this one as well, but of course, he didn't think about that - he didn't think about what was best for his wife that he's just shat all over with some 21 year old girl, nor most importantly if this was another change his DD could do without. Selfish prick. But of course, the OP & the DD will cope - because they have to, it doesn't mean a little thought about these things would go amis... but I suspect he's too busy doffing the 21 yo to care about anyone else. GIT.

achillea Thu 04-Oct-12 23:36:44

Wishing your child's father has a heart attack, even in jest, is not on. Sorry YABU, you need to let your ex do his best and accept that, you also need to allow your child to grow up.

If you have problems with ex, talk to him and listen to him. Clearly he is a half decent bloke because he bought ds a new bed. Many would have waited ti be told.

Mumfortoddler Fri 05-Oct-12 00:47:01

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife I totally understand where you are coming from. I found out recently my DS's father has been putting him to bed still in a cot. He is three and six months... We agreed ages ago he needed a bed when he slept there, or at least something a bit better suited to his size. My DS's father is and was domestically abusive and occasionally DV, and it can feel so difficult letting go of your children into a situation with their father you can't control, because you can't trust the father as a result of what he has done to you. I'm sure there are so much bigger things you are worrying about, like whether your children will be subjected to the same bullying and abuse you were, and that is probably what is eating away at you most. I am almost 3 years post break up and my ex is still aggressive now, and has used access to press my buttons and abuse me, seems little interested in DS.

All I can say is that save your battles, and keep all these little things diarised so that if there are loads of things that come your way in future the picture is complete if and when it ever goes to court again. My ex has been using this as a constant threat, and we're finally going ahead now. I wish I had diarised everything more closely over the years.

PedanticPanda Fri 05-Oct-12 01:07:55

Yabu, it's just a bed, he doesn't have to inform you of every little thing he does with the children whilst in his care sorry.

Sorry op but another YABU here. It is so so hard to hand over your children to someone you don't trust. I understand that. I have exactly the same problem. But even from a very young age kids can cope with different rules /beds / routines etc at different houses. For example I hate the fact my XH has moved my kids to a booster seat from a high backed booster, just for 'ease' when I feel they should be in the lowest stage possible for their weight not highest. And obv this is a safety thing, but it's still not my call to make, he is their parent too and at his house he gets to make the decisions. However much I dislike it.

McKayz Fri 05-Oct-12 06:29:22

Wow wishing he has a heart attack because he's put your DD in a bed is very extreme. It's a bed not a torture chamber.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 07:09:57

Sookie - just because you didn't mind your baby being in a bed at 13 months doesn't mean everyone feels the same way
I can't see where I said it did.
I was merely pointing out that the OPs child will be ok and its not uncommone for children her dcs age to already be in a bed.

WildWorld2004 Fri 05-Oct-12 07:25:12

I must be the only one who thinks YANBU.

If he wants you to tell him everything ie changing from pack lunch to hot meals when he didnt even make the pack lunches, then he should tell you everything.

Athendof Fri 05-Oct-12 11:34:08

This reminds me of my ex patner's wife throwing a fuss at us banning the toilet training seat at home... The child was already in Y1 and as far as I know no longer using a potty at school, she still went ballistic about it.

Having said that, if he demands for you to keep him informed about everything, then I guess is fair to expect him to tell you about these things.

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