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I'm such a fuck up why don't I learn!

(36 Posts)
Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 19:26:35

I feel really embarrassed to be posting this. I am a disaster with relationships I do chase the "spark". I finally realised what I was doing and was single since January and stopped focussing my all on a man. I would literally obsess and let them take over my whole life before.

A couple of months ago, I started seeing my DD (7) father. It was comfortable, nice, I stopped feeling lonely, really wanted to settle down, and have that "family" thing. He is a nice person, he loves my son even though not his, he brings round icecream wine and dvds randomly, and I would of said a few hours ago, wants the whole family thing with me to.

He was a car clamper, not the law on clamping and towing has changed he's out of a job, me being nice has applied for every job going he can do on his behalf, helped his Cv and printed off copies. Today he's round needed more CV copies logged into his hotmail to get CV and didn't log out.

Why why did I be so nosey! Theres emails to another woman saying how can he show her how much he love's her, he will do anything. theres one saying, boo you don't know how much I'm in love with you right now, and poems he's sent her, songs and pictures. Last one was yday!

I feel like a fucking twat. Because he's dd father I haven't been bothered putting in boundries like sleeping over as I would another new boyfriend. Iv'e just let him in the kids lifes, and let them see us and been so fine with it all. Let him do the school run so I can get to work less rushed, let him cuddle up on the sofa with us all watching films. Arghh! Iv'e also had unprotected sex this month because I am a Aclass idiot and messed up my pills, didnt get the morning after pill because my plan was after root canal, and didnt expect it to hurt like that. So stupid stupid me just went home went to bed and now been crossing my fingers.

So do I just forget I saw email, I doubt really really doubt he would ever leave me, and suck it up because I like the family aspect, and the kids and my family like my mum think hes the bees knees!

Walkacrossthesand Tue 02-Oct-12 19:44:39

Well, you can't just forget you saw the email - so perhaps you can be glad you saw it, because now at least you know you & he aren't on the same page re any rebuilding of a relationship - he's at least partly involved with someone else. Time to pull up the drawbridge again and get back into the 'single' mindset. I wouldn't want to be sharing family life with someone who didn't think it necessary to point out that he was in love with someone else - storing up grief for a later date. And fingers tightly crossed that you aren't already pregnant....

madonnawhore Tue 02-Oct-12 19:44:45

Why do you have such low self esteem that you're considering staying with a man you know is cheating on you?

That might sound harsh, but I mean it in a 'you need a wake up call' kind of way. This is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you or your DCs.

Out of interest, why did you get back with him? And what was his living situation before you got back together? Have you unwittingly saddled yourself with a cheating cock lodger?

madonnawhore Tue 02-Oct-12 19:46:26

And you're not a fuck up. He is.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 19:56:10

I know I should be glad, but I'm fed up of being on my own. Iv'e always been on my own with actual living with a partner apart from a short abusive relationship which ended with me in a refuge.

I don't want to get back to that single mindset. I forgot how much I liked cuddles till recently.

I know deep down I have to end this now before it gets any further, just feel really sad and want to stick my head in the sand.

He's renting a small house, he did get served eviction notice a couple days ago due to loosing his job. He didn't mention moving though.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 19:57:20

I am a fuck up, I'm actually trying to think of reasons and excuses for him.

Doha Tue 02-Oct-12 19:58:48

Gathered whatever strength you have left and get rid. You need to regain your self respect and knowing what you do about this man is doing you no good.

Tell him that you saw the email and tell him to sling his hook

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 19:59:45

then stop

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 20:09:45

It doesn't sound like a love job - more a case of 'he'll do' so maybe you were using eachother.

It's much better to be single than with a man like this. Of course you can't 'forget' the e mail, nor can you 'forget' some sexual health screening, as you've been having unprotected sex with him and he's clearly not in an exclusive relationship with you. I hope for you and your children's sake that the consequences aren't more far-reaching though, via an unplanned pregnancy.

Might be worth having some counselling about why you thought it was okay to sell yourself so short just to have a man in your life.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 20:15:19

BethFairbright Iv'e had counselling for this before, don't want to get to deep but the counseller would end up crying more then I was when talking about my past. Did CBT to. Because I am usually a postive person with lots of common sense it was decided I had had enough but yet I do still sell myself short.

Doha I am Just deciding what to say, want to do it on a phone call because he does just turn up.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 20:33:20

Phone call or text? I quite feel like being an utter bitch and emailing her, will control myself on that though.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 20:58:46

Phone call.

You wouldn't be a bitch for warning another woman that she's involved with a cheat who's been having unprotected sex with another woman. I assume she doesn't know about you, or you're described by him as the psycho ex with whom he needs to spend time in order to see his child. She probably thinks he's father of the year hmm

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 21:17:33

Oh I expect he's "father of the year" in his eyes and anyone he talks about them to. I might just send a short and sweet email from his address, saying Iv'e just came across your emails I just wanted to let you know with regards to him being in love with you, it's complete utter bullshit since he apparently loves me and talks about marrying me to. I hope you find someone decent like I need to, having been off and on with him the last 8 years.

I didn't do phone call, I text "You didn't log your email out, I've seen the messages how much your in love with this woman right now. So yeah fuck the fuck off you lying cunt don't come back sniffing around me.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 21:39:55

that's great

as long as you stick to it

Xales Tue 02-Oct-12 22:02:34

Perhaps you need to try a different counsellor?

Also now you know he is seeing other women please get yourself to an STI clinic and stop having sex without a condom.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:31:36

Oh I will def stick to it, I'm completely fed up of being shat on.

Yes xales I would go for a check up anyway, and sex without condoms isn't something I normally do. Just me being stupid and not having boundaries, or him not listening to my boundaries should I say.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 22:35:09

or him not listening to my boundaries should I say

erk does that mean what I think it means ? Hope you are ok x

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:42:00

I meant with contraception, he knew I had messed up my pills and couldn't get a dr app to get any more for a week, so instead of using the condoms I had, he put it in anyway and kept telling me to shsh.

Wrote down that reads worse then how I feel it was.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 22:50:06

erm, I don't want to put ideas in your head but that is way out of order

you are correct in saying he didn't respect your boundaries, in fact he trampled all over them !

what were you attempting to say when he kept telling you to shut up?

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:59:25

I was trying to say hold on, A because it wont just (TMI) go up without any before bit, B because of condom. (TMI) I actually locked up and he just carried on.
I know I am a idiot. The next time he came over when I said I didn't get to take MOP he said well I don't want no more kids, you know what you would have to do.

Oh why did I even say he was a nice person. The more I think about it the more I realise I was in cuckoo land just happy to be with someone, and thinking I was being grown up sticking with my decision.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 23:06:25

he sounds like a fucking awful person, love

good riddance to him, eh

Opentooffers Tue 02-Oct-12 23:07:06

There are many other methods of contraception these days that mean you don't need to remember to take pills. Perhaps accept what you're not great at, and make a contingency plan. But also be wary about men who won't use condoms or volunteer it up. Yuck! If they have many partners - get an STI check just to be sure.
Many fall into the trap of using a man as self-validation. It's much healthier to try some time on your own in that case and learn to appreciate yourself and your worth. Then you will in time suss out more easily who is not worthy of you.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 23:08:19

Yup flushing that shit away!

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 23:12:49

opentooffers the implant gives me morning sickness as if I was pregnant, the injection made me bleed for months on end, the mirina coil gave me PID, the pill and condoms are the only method that is left. I know I do the relying men to validate me a lot though.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 23:50:11

Well he logged me out of his hotmail, no contact back from text. Am glad in a way I can't torture myself going through his emails no more.

beautyfades Wed 03-Oct-12 00:21:03

o hun, you remind me so much of myself.. you cling on for soo long you feel like you cant give it up because youv invested so much time, an thoughts an plans in ur head.. i too love thought of a family, and found the worse i got treated the more i put up with sad .... things i would never of tollerated, i started accept... and in the end you end up hating urself!!! dont beat urself up about contraception, whats done is done hun.. please dont think you are the only one thats been through things like this, i still am sad..i think your like myself, and know, it is NOT going to be, but it is hard when youv had plans n dreams.. too good for these pricks!!!!!!!!!!!

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 00:45:05

I too think you need to find a different counsellor love.

What you're now telling us is that if you hadn't found those e mails, you would have stayed with someone who didn't get your consent before penetrating - and possibly impregnating - you. That's shocking stuff. I hope you do find it in your heart to warn that other woman, you might save her a world of pain - and sexual assaults.

Glad you're going for a check-up. Get some counselling, spend some time with your kids and stay off men for a while. Pay particular attention to your daughter who in her innocence, will be sad that her fairytale of mum and dad together hasn't come true. Your focus should be on you and them now.

Xales Wed 03-Oct-12 08:45:47

Bloody he I am shock at your last few posts. And you were trying to give reasons why he wasn't so bad and would do!

No matter what a counselor would cry or not get yourself some help to stop you from thinking this is what you are worth or deserve!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 03-Oct-12 09:05:01

You do know there's a word for what he did to you, don't you? Even if it didn't feel like it was that because he wasn't rough with it, or because you'd already been in the middle of something you didn't feel able to stop. But it was that thing, legally and morally; and his attitude the next day sucked as well.

Oh, and although it sounds like it's the least of your worries, next time don't even think about getting together with someone who doesn't even have the gumption to make their own job applications. Employers laugh and chuck in the bin applications from boys whose mummies write their applications, and rightly so.

Inneedofbrandy Wed 03-Oct-12 09:53:56

beautyfades rather shit isn't it sad

Yes I'm going to make an app with my lovely dr who's already offere to get me more counselling. Reading it back beth it sounds mad I can't believe I've been so passive and fine.

Im not sure what to put in email to other woman, don't want to start an argument as I'm sure he will type cast me to crazy ex and it can't get to nasty due to dd.

annie I know, he wouldn't feel it was though,

Anniegetyourgun Wed 03-Oct-12 10:14:51

No, of course he wouldn't. That doesn't make it any less true, though, nor does it excuse him from totally overriding your wishes. Whatever he'd have called it, he still knew what you wanted but did the opposite. That is not love, respect, partnership, or even decent humanity. And to top it all, he's making the same noises about love, respect and partnership to another woman. That's all they are: noises.

dondon33 Wed 03-Oct-12 17:33:17

Please listen InNeed You are NOT a fuck up! He is! and more besides

I'm glad you've found the strength to tell him to fuck off, you don't deserve what he's done to you - Love messages to another woman, while being with you, are appalling but I really have no words for what he done to you regarding sex and the consequences that may of arose because of it. Boundaries!!! does he even know what the word means? utter vile bastard
Keep him out of your life hun, obviously as much as possible with a child involved. Get yourself a different counsellor too, a good one will will help you to see you can be alone, you don't need to involve yourself with the type of men that don't deserve you.
Take and enjoy cuddles and love from your DC.
Seriously, go and get an STI check asap, better to be safe than sorry.
Take care of yourself xx

Inneedofbrandy Wed 03-Oct-12 20:30:04

Very much just noises. Seeing it wrote out and getting it out on here has made me see it all more clearly.

dondon Thankyou I will take all that on board, am starting to see him as him instead of well his hearts in the right place and I haven't even wrote about half the things he's done or not done!

dondon33 Wed 03-Oct-12 22:19:55

Look at all his "done's and not done's" InNeed and seriously think exactly what he gives you, just for you.

I'm sure you'll very quickly see the real him. As you've already realised his heart is NOT in the right place quite possibly its in his cock If he did indeed have a heart he wouldn't hurt you the way he has.

We've only commented on the things we have been told by you and you get that the general consensus is he is a wanker who doesn't deserve to even breathe the same air as you.

Keep using MN - post what you want to, what you feel you can. It can be helpful and sometimes therapeutic to just get it off your chest/have a rant as well as receive some great advice.

Take care honey xx

beautyfades Fri 05-Oct-12 00:33:47

inneed, i bet there is alot more!! you stay strong huni xxxx

Inneedofbrandy Fri 05-Oct-12 09:42:37

He hadn't text/rang/come round since I text him. I don't know of that's a good thing or not confused

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