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so low is husband having affair ??

(62 Posts)
katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 10:27:17

sorry to botheryou guys im after some advice as i dont have anyone to talk to. Basically i woke up one morning to find a text message on my husbands phone from a number not in his contacts, It said ' Your face when I got out my dildo out made me cum.' as you can imagine i was totally horrified. He grabbed te phone rigyht off me went into the bathroom and deleted the message the reappeared saying he must of got the message as he when on a porn site the night before. on his i-phone. He expects me to believe this im just devistated as we have 3 young boys 4 3 and 1 . Then yesterday he got a text from a customer saying i made you a bacon sandwich on friday but i did not know your new address to deliver it too xxx i could be inocent but the 1st message has made me paranoid.
I love him dearly but he works long hours and we have just bought a new house so we are both under stress we have little family time together

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 10:37:02


SimplyTes Tue 02-Oct-12 10:41:18

Hello, so sorry to read what has happened to you. There is so much porn out there lots of which is interactive, so he could be telling the truth..........but it certaily sounds like you have to talk and trust your instincts, after many years on MN I know that we women have an inbuilt bullshit detector.

The bacon sarnie text on its own sounds pretty innocent and not in keeping with first message. Hope you have some RL support.

SimplyTes Tue 02-Oct-12 10:42:17

ps please never think you are bothering anyone, sometimes support is needed and MN has always been there for me, post at will, it often helps!

It might be worth getting this moved into Relationships as I don't think AIBU is really the right place.

Do you have any other reason apart from the text to worry?

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 10:46:14

Hi thanks for your reply I just dont get how from going on a website they woud send you a text. Unless he had been speaking to someone on the site. We are gong through a rough patch i thought about marraige counselling.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 10:47:28

Hi sorry Im new here how do you move the post. I could not see the relationship section sorry x

cozietoesie Tue 02-Oct-12 10:47:41


I'd also ask MNHQ to move this into Relationships.

And for what it's worth, the second text would have me wondering as well. It's really not a standard text.

ZillionChocolate Tue 02-Oct-12 10:50:06

I don't necessarily have a huge problem with pornography, it depends on what it is and the circumstances in which it's viewed. I am however suspicious about his explanation. I also think the bacon sandwich text sounds strange. Why would you make someone a sandwich unsolicited if you couldn't give it to them? How do you know it's a customer.

Whether or not he's misbehaving, his actions are strange and causing you anxiety. It does sound as though counselling might be a good idea.

OwedToAutumn Tue 02-Oct-12 10:51:21

Katty, report your post. You will get a page up which should be easy to follow. Just ask MNHQ to move the thread. You will get really helpful people posting there. smile

WorraLiberty Tue 02-Oct-12 10:52:00

It's possible he's having a 'cyber affair' online with someone.

The 'your face' comment would indicate they were skyping or using a web chat thing perhaps.

No idea about the bacon sandwich unless it was some sort of 'in joke' between the two of them.

SimplyTes Tue 02-Oct-12 10:52:39

I'm not a whizz with IT but I know that skype is used so men (or women) can interact with the other person, maybe she was watching him and vice you have skype? Pretty sure you need an account to set it up, my DH set it up on my iPhone so I can see and talk to friend in NZ, but you can also have it on your PC.

I'm certain more IT savvy help will be along. Where is he at the moment?

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 10:53:15

sorry who do I contact to move thread sorry if this has caused any offence to anyone reading.

Lovelygoldboots Tue 02-Oct-12 10:57:15

I honestly think that the text was from a porn site and I think they would do that. I am so sorry, I have been there, three young children, relationship under stress and an I phone just offers easy access to pornography. And as for the other text, well my partner gets texts sometimes with xxx on the end and it drives me mad but it is part of his work, he gets called out to a soft play centre sometimes and they all know him there. I found some magazines when we were going through a bad spell and it really upset me so can understand how you feel. I think there would be more signs than just two texts if he was having an affair. Hope you are ok.

cozietoesie Tue 02-Oct-12 10:58:26

No offence at all, katty - just that Relationships might be a better place to discuss it.

Just go to your first post and click 'report'. (top right of post.) A box will come up and you just need to ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships.


AnastasiaSteele Tue 02-Oct-12 11:00:34

No one's offended my lovely - just you will get lots of support in relationships. LOTS of people been in your shoes - porn or affairs - neither of which are looked upon favourably.

You're right to be suspcicious. It might be innocent - but if you have a gut feeling, don't ignore it.

Katty - you've not caused any problems posting here. Its just that sometimes AIBU can get a bit feisty and Relationships is a bit more supportive. I've contacted MNHQ and asked them to move this.

I am sorry you are going through this and I do think counselling sounds like it might be helpful.

AnastasiaSteele Tue 02-Oct-12 11:01:32

I've reported to move the thread. smile

dysfunctionalme Tue 02-Oct-12 11:02:13

No you haven't caused offence, people just want to look after you a bit x

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:03:01

Thanks for your help girls I have reported the post . Yes I do suspect some sort of online affair or affair. The second text was from an air hostess who hes doing so electrical work for apparently she makes all the builders etc bacon sarnies and beers on a friday . I find this a bit weird but i am very paranoid after the first text.

WorraLiberty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:04:59

katty when the thread gets moved to Relationships if you can't find it, just click 'Threads I'm on' or Threads I started' the top of the page and it'll take you straight there.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:18:34

any advice from anyone on relationships ?

SandyMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 02-Oct-12 11:18:41

Hello everyone,

We are going to move this thread to Relationships.

We have been asked to move it by the OP who feels it would be a better fit.

Thanks to everyone who reported.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Oct-12 11:21:57

He sounds very defensive sad

He is cheating - either via the internet or in real life.

Are you able to access his computer/laptop?

I would try and look at his iphone as well.

But he may have started covering up his tracks and deleted all the evidence.

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:25:21

Does he use porn sites regularly, and if so, do you accept that? -From what he said when he was caught out it sounds like he is excusing it by referring to porn, in the hope that this would be ok with you. ie better that than admitting to an affair or some such thing.

That aside, I think you must trust your instincts. You say you are going through a rough patch, can you tell us a bit more about it?

Has he made any effort at all to reassure you after this awful discovery? I am so sorry, but my view is that he is cheating on you one way or another. You don't have to put up with it. I know you love him dearly, but he is treating you like dirt.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:26:04

I know How will I ever find out the truth hes not going to tell me his history on his phone is always clear

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:29:32

The thing is, if he is cheating on you, what do you think your reaction will be? Sadly, you already know that something is going on, you just don't know the specifics. What do you want to do about it? -That is meant kindly, though looks harsh.

Has he always deleted his history or is this a new thing? If its a new thing then I would be a bit suspicious. How does he react if you ask to borrow his phone?

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:34:13

hi peppermintpasty. We have just bought a new house its really stressful , we are staying at my mums while we redecorate it etc we have not had sex for a few weeks. He says it was the porn site and its my problem i dont believe him . Basically hes trying to turn things back onto me as when we first met 10 years ago i kissed another guy while we were datingi was young and stupid. But we were not married then and i do regret it basically he says im as bad as him so to accept his explaination or leave. I have basically put all my money into the house so how can i leave. Also he made me get a job at sainsburys as he said we need the money which i did and now i never see him at weekends as im working and he takes the kids.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:38:38

i Really love him I have thought about leaving but what woud that do to the kids they love him my famiy all think hes wonderful but i have not told them anything.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:39:40

chaz it is a new thing . I asked him why his phone shows no history and he says ther is something wrong with his phone.

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:40:04

Oh love, it doesn't sound great. Firstly, what he has done is in no way the same as kissing someone ten years ago. What a crock of shit! That's guilty talk, and of course you realise it.

What's the thing about him forcing you to get a job all about? Do you mean you were both forced because of financial pressures? Could you afford to give the job up and see more of each other, see if there is something worth salvaging?

As for giving you an ultimatum, what bloody cheek! If it were me, I'd be calling his bluff and telling him to come clean or leave.

His treatment of you is not acceptable or usual in an equal relationship.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:41:28

I have just ploughed all my saving into the house. I feel a fool the thing is without the savings i am trapped

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:41:28

I would confide in someone in real life if you can. Don't soldier through this alone if you have a supportive friend or family member out there.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 11:41:41

He's lying to you and is trying to put the blame for that on to you. Stop blaming your sex life. He'd have done this anyway and this behaviour has clearly been going on for more than 'a few weeks'. Unearthing your 10 year-old indiscretion is really scraping the barrel. Don't let him do that - it's got nothing to do with his behaviour now.

If you put up with this and stay with someone like him, he will think you'll put up with anything.

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:43:37

Go and see a solicitor. Get some advice about the assets of the marriage. Without that knowledge you are fighting a battle blindfolded. It doesn't mean you have to do anything with that info, it just means that you are armed with the facts.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:45:54

we managed before without me having a job for the past 4 years. basically i dont feel like this an equal relationship he is very controlling when it comes to money basically he is self employed and he is still as busy as a year ago but ony puts into our account 2/3rds of what he did a year ago . I question what is he doing with the rest of the money spending it on her ?

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Oct-12 11:46:28

You can tell him to leave if that is what you want - he made the choice to check out of his marriage so it is not your fault.

He is responsible for you and his Dc financially - so I would find out what you are entitled to financially and legally (ie. tax credits, benefits, CSA etc). See CAB and a solicitor offering a free half hour. Hopefully someone will come on here and post some links with more info.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Oct-12 11:47:10

You will probably be better off financially without him.

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 11:50:33

This is all a bit shocking innit katty? Take it all in, take your time digesting stuff on here, and don't let him treat you so poorly. You and your children do deserve better you know.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 11:50:51

He sounds controlling full stop, never mind with money. He wants to control your thoughts and judgements too and for you to think it's you who's unreasonable for being upset by his disgraceful behaviour.

Knowledge is power. Get some legal advice fast. If he's self-employed, I'd bet my house that he's hiding money from you, as well as other secrets.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:56:03

He would never leave and give me the house he said this in the past I would have to go.i dont drive so he knows i cant just take all the kids stuff and go I have been taking driving lessons to recently,

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Oct-12 12:00:25

No, you do not have to go. That is why you need to get advice - there are ways of getting him to leave. By law, as the resident parent you have more rights than he does with regards to the house, finances and DCs.

The law is on your side.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 12:03:08

thankyou i think i should look into all of this. I never realised I have the right to stay I thought we would have to sell and split

My advice is to play it cool for now. Don't make a big deal about the text etc. Then quietly get some proper advice on your rights to the home and support from him. Make sure you have details of all the bank accounts, any paperwork showing his business income etc take copies of everything and ideally stash it with someone you trust. That way if things get worse he can't pretend he hasn't been earning etc because you already have all the proof.

You don't have to leave the house just because he says you do. His word is not law.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 12:17:52

Are you an officiate of his business i.e. company secretary? If so, you have the right to see his business accounts and can also keep track of any cash jobs with which he's defrauding the economy as well as you, no doubt.

If you are the children's primary carer, he won't get the house but you can't make him leave it either. As you're married though, it's a joint asset and you can force its sale. You can however kick him out of your parents house and put a legal charge on your owned property, so that even if he takes up residence, you can sell it and get your share without his consent.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 12:35:52

thankyou for your advice I will try to look into this further

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Oct-12 12:37:59

please dont let him do this to you. Whatever happened 10 years ago, is no excuse for his behaviour now. He is using that so that you accept his excuse and blame yourself and stop looking at him....

There is nothing wrong with his phone..... the first thing that they do when they have got something to hide is to keep the phone on them at all times, delete all texts, emails etc.

Your H cannot make you sell the house until your youngest child is 18, unless the house is too big for your requirements..

Get advice from CAB, Womens Aid, Working Tax Credits (find out how much you would get based on your sole income). All of these things will help you to become strong enough to deal wtih this

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Oct-12 12:52:03

Yes, do keep your cards close to your chest. Pretend that you have accepted things as these are while you investigate your options.

jessalwithlove Tue 02-Oct-12 12:52:58

I have to agree it may have been from a porn site' As alot of these adverts for phone skype sex have a text service It would have to be a 121 service. They continually send messages to entice d man back. Although I dont no how id feel him openly interacting watching masturbating with another woman' 3 yg DS's or not...

fiventhree Tue 02-Oct-12 12:58:17

As yes, Kat, the 'you are as bad as me' line.

When my own h was finally caught out lying about other women for nearly six years of our 20 year relationship, do you think he blamed himself at first?

No, he pointed out that within the first six months of our relationship, and well before we got married or had children, I had on one night slept with someone else. He was told about it by me voluntarily, albeit not immediately.

Kat- did that justify him lying to me for six years and spending most nights and often when I was out in the day, doing what he did, chasing young girls online? Did it justify the lying and also the irresponsibility of his late nights and late mornings and leaving everything to me, as he pursued his fantasy?

No, it didnt, did it?

And what you did ten years ago was even less than that.

maleview70 Tue 02-Oct-12 13:03:40

If he has iPhone and you can access it then go into

Settings/safari/advanced/website data.

This will show you all the sites he has been on unless he has deleted them which most people don't because they don't know about it.

It may back his story up.

If not I would say "ok I want to believe you but show me what site you were on and show me how they send a text to you."

It's very suspicious and if he is self employed builder/tradesman opportunity will come his way from time to time.

katty19 Tue 02-Oct-12 14:18:31

Ok I'm going to look at his phone when he gets back tonight as what you are describing is quite hard to find in the phone if you don't know. I agree it could be from a website but he must have had online sex for them to send one ?

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 14:35:28

maleview I have an iphone and when I go to safari I don't get anything saying "advanced" or anything like that. I am a bit lo-fi but how do I get to the advanced bit?!

runmumrun Tue 02-Oct-12 15:07:22

scroll down, 'advanced' should be at the very bottom of the safari page, open that and 'website data' is next page opened

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 15:18:58

Thanks. Nothing here though. The last thing at the bottom of the safari page says "developer", and above that "clear history/clear cookies/clear cache". Odd.

Abitwobblynow Tue 02-Oct-12 18:13:33

Where is settings? I have clicked on the apple and 'Safari' and don't see settings.

Abitwobblynow Tue 02-Oct-12 18:14:22

System preferences also. I am very lo fi you have to explain as to a moron. Like 'look in the bottom right hand corner'.

Abitwobblynow Tue 02-Oct-12 18:16:48

I have a mac book, he has an ipad.

So how do I find it on an ipad?

maleview70 Tue 02-Oct-12 19:34:39

Maybe different versions have different setting tabs. Think mine is iPhone 4 though can be sure. Advanced on mine as at the very bottom o the page after safari.

Zorra Tue 02-Oct-12 22:07:35

On an iPad it's settings -> under the connections etc theres a little icon of safari -> advanced -> website data. Unless they have turned on 'in private browsing' it should come up.

Abitwobblynow Wed 03-Oct-12 08:56:57

Zorra have you left anything out! Like 'it is a little picture of a sun in the left top corner' (yes I am that bad). Took SEVEN attempts to set up my messages PIN and message on a blackberry this am! [Sigh]. The computer kept saying 'goodbye' (didn't have to add the 'you moron this is going nowhere and I am tired of repeating the same instruction').

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