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Red Flags? Long!(85 Posts)
Got together with one of my closest friends about 3 months ago. We have been friends for years and got on brilliantly. However, since getting together I have realised he has issues with insecurity/ jealousy. For example a few weeks ago (and apologies for tmi) I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.
I was dating before getting together with DP and he still checks my phone to ensure neither of the men I had dated in recent months have been in touch, demanded to see the messages I had sent informing them I was with someone and no longer dating etc.
But what has really upset me is what happened over the weekend. We went out and he paid for me to go to the cinema. When we got back to his afterwards, I told him (and again tmi sorry!) I couldn't have sex as I have a yeast infection He assumes I'm lying to get out of having sex (?!) and then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!
He said this in a way so I wasn't sure if he was joking- although he was grumpy about the no sex situation. Either way, I was horrifed and very hurt by this comment. He later apologised and said because we are in a long distance relationship it's upsetting that we couldn't have sex for the short time he's home. He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood.
I don't know what to think now- As I said, I have been very close friends with this man for years and years. He is in our immediate "circle" and I know he cares deeply for me. I think he's very insecure about my feelings for him (he'd pursued me for a while and I wasn't interested). Am I over-reacting, if the cinema ticket comment was a joke is that still inappropriate?
He may be your friend for years but there are all sorts of red flags here and he doesn't sound that pleasant to boot... so you should've told him he wasn't getting a shag that night before he spent money on a cinema ticket????!! Right ... that right there spells TWUNT in my book.
Run like hell. In fact, I don't even think I'd still be friends with someone like him in light of the above.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Big red waving flag.
jealousy is not love, it's about possession, ownership, restriction and you having to justify yourself constantly to him.
He may well be insecure, but the way he is treating you is as a possession not as a human being who sets her own boundaries and has her own moral compass.
Sadly, people are capable of being a really good friend but a really bad partner. It's because their expectations of one are very different to the other, as is their threshold for what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. If it's like this at three months in, it's only ever going to get worse.
Even if he was joking about the cinema tickets?
We have a holiday booked with mutual friends in 4 weeks time, so I feel really awkward acting before then
And I don't know if he's just insecure and needing a bit of reassurance and with this will improve. The men I had been dating did pursue me for a while into our relationship so I think that kind of got everything off on a bad foot
All of those incidents are horrible and make him look like a dick but the Dr incident is actually chilling. Dump him now before you end up completely isolated and and at his mercy. Don't worry about the holiday- this man is damaged goods and he will hurt you. Run.
It's the not wanting you to have a male Dr do an examination that worries me even more than the money thing. He sees you as nothing but a hole he possesses if he's upset by that, because if he was capable of normal, empathic thinking and feeling, he wouldn't give a shit who did it, and his only thoughts would be 'hope it's not too unpleasant'. Run, run for the hills if he's already being this after only a few months! What someone is like as a friend actually has very little bearing n what they'll be like as a partner (I speak from experience).
Save yourself a lot of trouble down the line OP. This guy is very bad news...
I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for him to learn to trust you, either. XH never did - we were married for nearly 25 years.
With the doctor situation he didn't say I couldn't he said he'd prefer me to re-arrange as he thought it inappropriate. I'm just so shocked as we have been such good friends
You are making excuses for him
Normal men don't act like this,
He is showing you who he is,
at 3 months???? it's only going to get worse
FFS bin him! He's a nutter.
He doesn't need to say 'you can't see a male Dr to look at your vagina' its the fact that he thinks this is a problem. What planet is he on that he thinks this is inappropriate and even worse opens his mouth, says it and then suggests you rebook with a female Dr? Its like your vagina examination is not about your health, its about him. Its so wrong.
"He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood."
When you're uncomfortable with someone's behaviour & when it's the latest in a long line of things that make you uncomfortable, be alert to anyone making excuses that it was a 'one-off', a 'joke' or that they were in a 'bad mood'. It is more likely that this is the real him and that the longer you are together, the more upsetting incidents will occur. Accept his excuses and the behaviour will escalate.
The thing with the Dr is bizarre. Only the most insecure weirdo would have a problem with that.
and if he expects a shag for buying a cinema ticket (Iknow your not that cheap) what will he expect on holiday ?
another voice saying dump him! these are all bad, bad red flags.
I've been in a simar situation. I saw the red flags but I so liked this man otherwise that I felt dumping him wasn't an option. He'd put out maybe three flags (silent treatment, accusations of looking at men, controlling my friendships) but I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. We'd been together two months! How could I dump him?! Ridiculous!!
He ended up blacking my eyes.
It's so so so so so so so so hard to see the flags and actually act on them. But next time I will hoike up my woman pants and stop the bullshit before it begins [mad]
BIG RED FUCK OFF FLAGS
Ditch without delay.
He is insecure, controlling, jealous, thinks you 'owe' him, and at the end of the day excuses his shit behaviour on being sad over the loss of a family member - which is utter bullshit.
Next time it will be stress, or a bad day at work, or lack of money, or feeling a bit unwell. or a miriad of other excuses he will pedal out to justify threating you like dirt. It will never be his fault, or down to the fact that he's a fuck up. It will always be this, that, or far more likely you.
Don't bother petal - it's a waste of time. xxx
I think he sounds like a prime example of why you can never know what a man is truly like until you date him, and why some people doubt women who have been abused - "but he's such a nice bloke".
And I don't know if he's just insecure and needing a bit of reassurance and with this will improve
Nope. It won't. In fact, the more you go to the bother of reassuring him, the more reassurance and proof he will need, want, expect and demand. You are already making excuses for him. So it begins......
Massive red flags all over the place. Massive. And very red. He is not going to behave better in the future, but will get more possessive and controlling.
Doesn't sound good at all. He sounds controlling, not insecure - an insecure guy wouldn't make those weird comments about the doctor, or get arsey about no sex.
Break up now, a holiday in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable is going to be no fun anyway, and maybe there's still time to get some money back.
Can't believe he made you make another appointment with a female doctor!!
That is some fucked up overbearing shit right there!
Big massive red flags already. Run like the wind.
Next thing you know, he'll have you staring at the floor if you go to a bar on holiday to make sure you're not eyeing other men up. Or asking you what you talked to someone else about while he wasn't there - he's started checking up on you already. It only gets worse.
And he wasn't joking about the cinema tickets. He felt like you owed him something and when he didn't get it he was a twat.
Get outta there. And quick. You deserve better.
Oh yes, when we'd only been going out a few weeks I took XH to my work party, and he threw a massive wobbly about someone I had allegedly snogged (actually the fellow gave me a polite peck on the cheek with his wife looking on smiling) and then blamed it on how his father had been giving him a hard time earlier. Instead of ditching him, I married him
He also threw a wobbly when he found out the osteopath I was seeing in my lunch hour (back totally seized up, I could hardly stand at one point) was young, male and black. He organised an older white one nearer home for me and insisted on going along too. That osteo was rubbish so he found me a female one, who was brilliant - and then went on about how attractive she was and how he was sure she was bending over the couch just so in order that he could look down her cleavage. By then I was a lot wiser to his ways and told him not to be a stupid old pervert. He thought that was hilarious.
Sorry, was I supposed to be replying to the OP rather than
ranting reminiscing? Well then - run away, run away! Of course he will tell you and anyone who'll listen that you ditched him so you can be free to shag around, but anyone who knows you (except, apparently, him) will know it's rubbish.
Nice men don't demand proof that you're not seeing anyone eise. This isn't flattering or evidence of an all consuming passion that they have never felt before, it's evidence they are a tosser.
Nice men don't feel entitled to sex because they paid £6 for a film and wouldn't make you feel bad about it.
I really wouldn't go on hols with him, away from home it will be harder for you to be independent and easier for him to push at your boundaries.
You say he wanted to go out with you before you did him. Did he wear you down? Persuade you? Catch you at a low ebb? what changed your mind?
If you told him its not working and you want to go back to being friends, how would he react?
It's already been said, but, yes run away, fucking fast. Don't make any excuses for him.
And CalamityKate makes a very good point. People can behave so differently in their romantic relationships - it should be bringing the best out of him, not the controlling twunt
Your first paragraph was enough for me and then it continued. Get out out out.
That holiday is going to be excruciating anyway. You can count on him criticising your bikini, your clothes, integration with waiters....
Inter bloody raction
Although integrating with waiters not necessarily a bad thing
Your second post is so sad and worrying and is it obvious you are going to stay with him.
You were upset enough to post. Ask yourself why you are now not listening to the other posters who are giving you such good advice.
You are not over-reacting. He is not a nice man. And he is not insecure, he is controlling and thinks he owns you. RUN.
I too think you will swallow his shit.
You know where we are when you need us. x
Oh fucking hell woman, RUN! Forget the holiday, just get yourself out of the situation.
"then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!"
You need say no more. This 'great friend' thinks he has brought sex with you, for the price of a cinema ticket. He is not a NICE guy.
You deserve better
re his comment about the doctor, no partner of mine has EVER asked re the gender of any health professionals. It is absolutely none of his business and yet he makes it so, and then gets all beady eyes and jealous/controlling.
Unforgivable behaviour - continue down this road at your peril.
yep, i agree the two biggest red flags here are the doctor (wtf? it's not his vagina - he obviousy thinks it is and that's a red flag*) and the not-getting-sex for the cinema ticket - it really sounds like he expected sex because he paid. you are not a prostitute *red flag
I cannot ever imagine my dh questioning me about a doctor's appointment in the first place (we have been together 15 years and he has only ever enquired as to how it went), much less making a fuss of the gender of said doctor!!
It's not normal or in any way excusable!
Thank you for your replies and sorry for delay- I am at work.
I am not scared to leave him, I don't feel dependant in any way on him, in fact the opposite- I tend to avoid relationships due to having been hurt in the past. I enjoy dating and I'm only young so I won't accept inappropropriate behaviour, I guess my confusion is whether or not it is inappropropriate. However every one here seems in agreement!
I keep finding myself trying to defend his actions and wondering if I am putting across a fair view of him- He didn't ask if it was a male/female doctor- I mentioned it as I said I was to go to appointment. But I was concerned about his reaction.
Yes I found the excuse of his family death distasteful as he has been this way before family member passed away and did feel like it was an excuse. He actually shouted at me for not giving him enough leeway on it infront of our friends- prompting very red faces and a long awkward silence. I had to stop myself from crying at the table. He was very apologetic afterwards of course...
Regarding the holiday, I'm concerned as he owes me money for the booking. I know it sounds petty but I genuinly can't afford for him to not pay me back, and as the holiday was my idea I can imagine him kicking up a fuss about paying me back . We are due to go with our immediate group of friends- I would not be alone with him, that would be far more awkward. But I kind of feel like I have to pretend everything is fine until after holiday.
I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.
That's not a potential red flag. That's a big feck off red flag, accompanied by a marching band and followed by a fireworks display.
I still can't believe how I am! He has never given me any reason to doubt his character in 7 years!
'We are due to go with our immediate group of friends'
Female friend that would go instead?
He actually shouted at me for not giving him enough leeway on it infront of our friends- prompting very red faces and a long awkward silence. I had to stop myself from crying at the table. He was very apologetic afterwards of course...
He's a fucking nightmare OP.
And all of this just three months in??!!
I have one female friend I could ask, but I think she is working. Will ask her tonight!
Sorry to continue to bang the drum, but I'd write off the money rather than spend any more time with this waster.
The good thing is your twat radar seems to be working at a much younger age than mine did
Look after yourself.
Someone upthread said it's possible for a great friend to turn out to be a crap partner. He sounds like one of those. The bummer is that you can't now rewind to the friendship, and of course you're worried about the ripples that will go out amongst your immediate group of friends that you're due to share this holiday with. But a bit of embarrassment and a comparatively small financial loss are better than spending any longer with a man who is definitely trying to control you.
Yeah - it's brilliant that you are aware enough to have found him out so soon. Smarts like that will stand you in excellent stead in your life, as they are doing now.
You. Are. Right!
I was literally open-mouthed with shock when I read the cinema ticket part. And there was no way that was a joke. I would be very hurt about that if I were you. It shows how unpleasant he is.
Haha, twat radar well and truly functioning! My first relationship, first love, first everything, dumped me practically the second line appeared on the pregnancy test. Since then, I prefer to avoid relationships.
But I've always thought getting together with a friend seems like a perfect situation as you know and trust one another. I cannot actually believe how this is turning out. If it was any other guy I'd be gone already, the only reason I am thinking of
defenses excuses is because I know him so well
Oh and also being a long-term lurker in this forum has helped massively
As others have already said - great friends don't necessarily make great partners. I have several lovely male friends (and no, DH does not check my phone for their messages) whom I would never, ever date.
Even if the cinema ticket was a bad joke, there are too many other massive red flags.
In my experience "insecure" man are terrible. They will try to control you just to feel better about themselves.
If he's being like that now, imagine when he feels more secure about you.
He explained away his bad reactions because he later realised they put him in a bad light.
But the reactions were there and you should go with those.
If it was a joke he wouldn't have accused you of lying.
I'm in a new relationship, not been able to have sex for a while (longer than wanted, really) and there's no suggestion of lying or not paying for things.
imperialstateknickers that's exactly part of the problem- the effects n our friendship group, we are very close. There are already plans in place for everyone to spend new years with him.
I was hesitant about getting with him because I didn't want to ruin our friendship , I'm so sad that will be ruined.
I can totally sympathise with you regarding the social set up OP. You must be going aaaarrrgggghhhh at the thought of it all.
Nothing...nothing nothing nothing is worth the pain of an abusive relationship. And I know you know that.
Put it this way, I have had many examinations down below by Dr and the only comment dh has made was when I knew i was going to be examined by a male Dr, he asked why I was embarrised, nervous, scared etc hepointed out I could ask for a chaperone or he could come if I wanted. I opted for the chaporone and that was that.
We have 2 DC under 2 dhs parents came and took DC for the night and we went to a hotel. There was no sex, we hadn't had sex for maybe 2 months, but I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Dh was fine with that. There was no sulking, no upset no emotional blackmail and no obvious disappointment, because dh is an adult.
Relationships bring out the worst in some people.
He could tell I was being off with him and sent a text saying "you know I like you for much more than that (sex). In fact if that's what you think then I'm willing to not even do it for 4 months just to prove it"
Send him one back saying 'actually I was thinking four never ever agains'
"Regarding the holiday, I'm concerned as he owes me money for the booking. I know it sounds petty but I genuinly can't afford for him to not pay me back, and as the holiday was my idea I can imagine him kicking up a fuss about paying me back . We are due to go with our immediate group of friends- I would not be alone with him, that would be far more awkward. But I kind of feel like I have to pretend everything is fine until after holiday."
This also sounds controlling to be honest. A decent friend would not kick up a fuss, they would make sure you weren't out of pocket, if things didn't work out romantically. Given his other actions, this sounds like he is using the financial situation as a way to keep a hold on you. If you wait till the holiday, then there'll be some other reason it's awkward to break up - it's better just to do it now.
I think trying to find another friend to take his place on holiday is the ideal solution - if not is there a chance of cancelling his place and getting some of the money back? Or, if it's like a shared holiday cottage, could you explain the situation to the other people on the holiday and get everyone to chip in a bit extra?
Soon, you'll be hearing you have no sense of humour when you don't find his little 'jokes' funny.
Then he will say 'you've changed'.
Agree you should try and sort out the money some other way, don't be a hostage to that deposit. Your are worth more.
I was due to go to his last night- it was his last chance to see me before he went home. However I didn't want to see him on my own so instead I arranged to meet him in a pub and took along a mutual friend.
'DP' actually brought up the subject of cinema ticket and asked DF for his opinion. DF sided with me, saying it should have been something nice within it's own right. DP kept saying, "but would it have been a nice thing to do" (return the 'favour') DF still defended me and a few times DP mentioned family member who passed away saying we should "stop being horrible" to him!
Anyway the mood lightened slightly, and overall the night was ok. Then in the car as I was dropping off dp and df dp gives me the silent treatment. Clearly because he was hoping I would go back to his/spend some time with him before he goes home- Not something I am wanting to do.
Today is the funeral of dp's family member, I did text last night saying I hope it went alright and he said "cool, thanks". Do I text today to say hope it goes ok, as I would if none of this had never happened and we were just friends? Or does the text last night make it unnecessary?
You've already expressed that to him. I'd leave it.
Whatever you do he will badmouth you. Just stop the whole thing now. And you are doing really well.
I cannot believe he asked YOUR friend if you owed him a shag for a cinema ticket Then said basically, when it didn't go his way, 'don't be meanies to me cos I am bereaved'. Then he gives you the silent treatment - passive aggression. Weren't you embarrassed that he did all this in front of your friend? He has no boundaries.
Controlling, whiney, sulky... he's giving you everything you need to know about him. Dump and run - before it gets dangerous.
If you do, his sulk has had the desrired effect, and he'll continue to impliment it as a means of control and manipulation.
I know I'm making it sound all dramatic...but trust me, this is how emotional abuse starts. Using little insidious punishments that are designed to make the victim behave.
Think about it - say this blows over (and I don't think it will - it's just for the sake of example), and next week he takes care of the bill at dinner. Imagine yourself back at his/yours afterwards and he wants sex...will you feel comfortable in opting out, given the drama that has ensued over the current situation?
That's what it's all about.
i totally agree with the others, Usher. Don't text him back. don't go on holiday with him, don't have anymore to do with him. it won't end well if you do...
OP just text and say this isn't working out (I'm a fan of text in these situations cos it gives someone a chance to rearrange their thoughts/facial expressions etc.).... just add that you loved him as a friend and hope you can go back to that. Then cancel out of the holiday and lie low for a while.
He just sounds like a stubborn twat, even the thought of involving another person in that movie scenario.. just.. yuck on so many levels.
Bite the bullet, you know this isn't gonna pan out.
I wouldn't be that surprised if this man ends up being edged out of the friendship group soon. I can just imagine your other friend's horror at being asked to endorse his idea that he was entitled to have sex on you because he'd bought you a sodding £5 cinema ticket.
I also note that this man clearly pestered you into a relationship you weren't that keen on in the first place. Are there, by any chance, any females who used to be in your friendship group and have kind of... faded out or drifted away from it?
(No, I'm not implying that he's murdered them, just thinking that men like him, who have major issues around women's sexuality - which is why they are reasonably nice friends but terrible partners - quite often have a track record of causing women distress to the extent that women will back off from mutual friends just so as not to have to see the awful man again, but without wanting to make a fuss.)
Dump, dump, dump. Whoever has died, it's no excuse for treating you that way. Honestly, the more you put up with it the worse it will get. Good luck honey x
Cripes - he genuinely thinks he's entitled to sex because someone died and he spent a tenner on you. OMFG.
Run, run, run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and sod the fucking holiday money, you'll manage somehow.
What? WHAT?!!!?! He seriously asked your friend if it wouldn't have been nice for you to put out, in return for a cinema ticket? How fucking mortifying for you, and for your poor friend, who must be thinking now 'what a dick, why is she seeing him?'
Not being rude, but based on my own disastrous relationship history and getting involved with controlling men, you should probably take a break from relationships for a while and look at what your approach to relationships is.
You mention being commitment phobic and having had previous bad relationships. Then you get involved with a man who is controlling and emotionally abusive. This is a 'red flag' for you. There is a reason - maybe you grew up in a home with unhealthy relationships/attitudes, maybe because you haven't resolved some past hurts in previous relationships - but there's a reason you shy away from getting involved, and then when you do, it's with someone who hurts you, or tries to control you.
Maybe you need to work out what that reason(s) is and work on that, so you can put yourself in a place to be ready for a good and healthy relationship with a lovely man.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'd probably give him back the cinema ticket money and call it a day.
After asking for the holiday money. Do it now.
Why have you paid for him?
Please run from this man. I've been in two abusive relationships and I recognise ALL of this.
Just to clarify, it's possible that he was able to be a pretty good 'friend' to you, because he would have perceived the boundaries to be different.
As a 'friend', you do not 'belong' to him. If you are dating other men while you are friends, he will perceive that you 'belong' to them. That you are their property.
However, now that you are dating him, he will view you as 'belonging' to him and he will believe that it is his right to control you.
Please believe that this is how they operate. I hate to think of you going through even 1% of what I did.
OP. Bang! That was the starting pistol.
Please do your very best Usain Bolt impression right now
Lots of great advice upthread, but yes, these are huge red flags. Please leave.
Lol I'm no Usain Bolt but I shall do my best!
It made a lot of sense the poster who spoke about my reasons for shying away from relationships... It's almost like I lose respect for a man when they begin to love me, how crazy is that
I paid for him as he had no internet access- he'd just moved house. But I'm going to get my money before I tell him it's over.
He texted me asking why I was being "quiet" with him. I told him and he apologised and said he's not been himself due to the death. But the other red flags were before this so to be honest I'm not buying it one bit! The thought of sleeping with him repulses me now, definitely time to leave.
Good for you - we are here for you all the way
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