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Don't know what to think.

(501 Posts)
CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:20:02

Last night my husband sat me down as he had something to tell me.

On Friday he went to his friends evening wedding reception. I was working at his mum's shop.
As he was leaving at 11:45pm a young girl that was attending someone else's wedding reception walked across the carpark explaining that she had no money and could he please take her into town to meet her friends. She was also on the phone to her friends explaining that she had no money.

Despite town being out of his way he took her as he didn't want to leave her stranded.

As he was driving she declared that he was gorgeous and placed her feet up on his dashboard. She then started using her fingers to pleasure herself and asked my dh to take her somewhere dark and private. Which he didn't, he explained he had to get back to the reception as he had left his friends there.

Upon arriving at town she asked him repeatedly to have sex with her, and was getting quite angry that he was refusing to. When she finally got out she punched my dh on the cheek and slammed the door.

My dh then went back to the wedding reception and didn't get home until 3am. He explained he was so late because his friends wanted taking home.

I was very calm while he was telling me as something similar happened to me twice before - not as disgusting but a 'friend' tried kissing me whilst I was dropping him off at home, he then sent me disgusting texts despite me telling him to take a run and jump! Another 'friend' tried to kiss me after a group night out.

I'm absolutely sickened by the whole thing and have been physically sick this morning because I had to drive his car on Saturday, completely oblivious that this woman had been sat in it pleasuring herself. I never ever want to set foot in that car again! She was sat where I normally would if dh was driving.

Now I'm thinking about it I have so many questions that don't make sense.

1) Why would she ask a stranger for help when she must have friends/family at the reception that could have helped her out?

2) Why did my husband go out of his way to help a stranger, knowing there must be other people she knows that would help her.

3) Why did he return to his friends afterwards instead of coming straight home.

4) Why didn't he explain he had a wife and 3 kids waiting for him at home instead of having to go back to his friends.

5) Why did he leave it until last night to tell me?

I am so confused and hurt and upset and angry and devastated.... I love my husband so much and I don't think he would ever, ever cheat on me but those questions are getting to me. I wish I could switch my brain off.
I'm very insecure at the best of times without this. I am a very wobbly size 24 lady and he says this girl was a slim girl with short blonde hair.

We have just recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary, he is 25, I am 27. Our children are 7, 6, 2yrs.

What should I be thinking? I'm sorry it's long.

DragonMamma Mon 01-Oct-12 11:31:56

Sorry but it all sounds remarkably far fetched to me.

Your scenarios aren't really comparable - I would imagine we've all had times where somebody inappropriate has tried to kiss us or similar. I've never heard of a random woman getting in a car, playing with herself then punching a guy for not having sex with her.

There's definitely more to it than what he's telling you - I'd bet he's been punch because he's tried it on.

Something happened on Saturday for him be prompted in to a half confession - stinks of him trying to get the first blow in, if I'm honest. I'd brace yourself because this doesn't happen to normal people, only in dodgy porno's.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:33:30

I should add that the incidents that happened with my so called friends were 4 years ago but they were brought into the conversation last night by my dh.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 11:35:07

It's a very strange story which could explain the delay in telling you. If he'd picked someone up for a quickie, why would he go to the trouble of making up such a bizarre tale? Why say anything at all? She may not have been a guest at a party but a hooker looking for customers. Is your DH the naive type? This occasion aside, do you have any other reasons to suppose your DH is lying?

TeeBee Mon 01-Oct-12 11:35:57

Hmmm, it makes no sense to me that he went back to the wedding when he had already left. Also, I'm gathering he knows your previous bad experience and knows that you are more likely to give him some slack in that regard. I would be inclined to think that he is worried someone spotted him with this girl in his car and he has needed since Friday to concoct his little story. I hope I am wrong...but I bet I'm not. Sorry OP.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:37:12

It wasn't Saturday, it was just last night so it's still quite fresh in my mind.
I struggled to sleep last night, everytime I closed my eyes I had images of her with her high heels on my husbands dash board.

I doesn't quite feel like it's real. It's almost as if it's happened to someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 11:38:10

It doesn't sound especially real... more like the plot of some rather seedy movie. hmm

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:44:43

No cogito, I have no other reason to believe he would do this. He's very savvy about everything and he is the very helpful kind. But usually only helps his friends/family.
The reception was at a huge venue, there are often multiple functions on at once.

TeeBee Yes he does know about my previous experiences, he hit the roof. I had left my phone in his car and I had received a totally explicitly inapropriate text from the man who tried to kiss me in the car. He turned up at my work totally furious, understandably. I truly believed I had cheated, all I did was give him a lift home from the pub where a few of us (we're all colleagues which makes it even more complicated) were having an after work drink.

The thought that it's taken him this long to think up the tale has crossed my mind but it isn't something I would think he'd do. I trust him completely, well, before this I did.

TeeBee Mon 01-Oct-12 11:45:03

Are there any 'witnesses' at the wedding who would be able to confirm or dispute whether he returned?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:45:20

Yes cogito, that's what I thought. Like some low budget porn film.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:46:29

Yes TeeBee there are, I know one of his friends, am friends with them on fb etc. My worry is even if he did return, had he already done, something.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 11:47:02

I was thinking that TeeBee.

OP - how do you think the convo would go if you just voiced your concerns. Tell him you've got these questions going round in your head and you need to get them out.

Would you trust his answers?

Would he be angry to be questioned?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:47:38

Sorry on previous post it should say HE truly believed I had cheated. You probably got the gist of it but wanted to point it out. My head isn't completely with me today.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 11:50:12

Sorry just re read your posts OP. How were the things that happened 4 years ago bought into the conversation last night? What was said?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:50:31

Fluffy - I don't think he would be angry to be questioned, I fully intend to question him when he returns home from work. I will gauge his reaction to the questions to determine whether I trust them or not. I've got to get these questions out. I don't know whether I could trust his friends answers if I questioned him.

He kept asking me last night if I was ok, did I need to talk etc. But my head was spinning and I couldn't make sense of anything, it's only this morning that I've really thought about it.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:52:33

That's how he started the conversation Fluffy.

"You know how your friend tried to come one to you that time? Well on Friday night a girl came on to me, strongly. I didn't know whether to tell you or not or whether you would be better not knowing."

I kind of half wish he hadn't told me.

TeeBee Mon 01-Oct-12 11:54:04

You say you trust him completely but you clearly have doubts...basically because it doesn't add up. It makes no sense that he went back to the wedding when he had already left, had some girl behave like that to him and punch him in face! I know for a fact that if that happened to my husband he would come straight home to wake me up and express his utter disgust and outrage...not go back to the wedding party he had already left. It really doesn't add up at all.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 11:54:12

Do you want to question him further? I would. He volunteered this weird story and if its all true I don't imagine he'll mind you both trying to unravel it together. Perhaps he suspects she was on drugs (?) but feels he shouldn't really voice that suspicion etc. His reaction to another chat about this should tell you a lot especially if he dismisses the idea of a chat/brushes off your concerns If he's genuinely a nice open chap he'd be as confused about this all as you are.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 11:54:51

I think he's made the whole thing up tbh. Maybe the text message incident has been playing on his mind all this time, he wanted to get his own back, o he really did give someone a lift home and all this 'pleasuring herself on the dashboard' low-budget porn movie crap is a figment of his imagination.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 11:56:37

Oh, I x-posted, OP. Sorry.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 11:58:25

Well this is a tough one Cherry. I feel for you!

It's a very bizzare story. I'm thinking perhaps if he were going to make something up he'd make it more believable!

I think this is going to come down to - you know him best. Think really hard about what you're going to say later and gauge his reactions carefully.

Personally i would have the biggest problem with why would he go back to the wedding after he had left already. Trying to put myself in your shoes, that's what would be niggling at me. I take it he hasn't mentioned why that was?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:59:13

TeeBee - that's what I would have expected too!! I have always trusted him completely, it's only last nights conversation that is giving me doubts.

tzella - I definitely want to question him further, you've said what I was thinking. His reaction will tell me a lot. He really did seem genuinely confused by the whole episode.

I just can't get the thought out of my head that he gave an unknown woman a lift, that's bad enough but also to somewhere that was out of his way.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:00:06

Is his cheek bruised Cherry?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:01:51

No fluffy, he hasn't mentioned why he went back. He is very close to his friend, I imagine he was quite shaken and wanted to calm down perhaps?

I'm really quite angry about that actually. About the whole bloody thing.
I wish I knew what girl it was - I'd rip her bloody head off!! After I'd questioned her of course to get her side of things.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:02:27

Nope, no bruise on his cheek although he did wince when I caught it by accident so I believe he did get a punch.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:02:45

The wince was saturday too, before I knew anything!

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 12:04:15

I think I'd prefer my DP (I haven't got a DP grin) gave a woman a lift late at night than not tbh. I'd hope he was minded to 'chivalry'.

But only if he's not under suspicion otherwise hmm

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:06:55

My line of thinking over the cheek bruise thing was this:

If he was up to no good, and something happened to get him a bruise on the cheek he would have to concoct a story to cover it if/when it came out, the bruise i mean, as you would see it.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:07:04

To a point I do agree with you tzella, but she was invited to someone else's reception so obviously had friends or family in there that could help.

TeeBee Mon 01-Oct-12 12:08:58

I would be inclined to remain utterly calm with him but I would be furiously doing some detective work. Where did he say the girl went to the wedding reception? Can you phone and check there was a wedding reception there? Why don't you trust his friends to tell you the truth?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:09:02

Yes I can see where you're coming from Fluffy, but there's nothing to see so I would never have known if he didn't tell me. Well, apart from the wince of course, for which he offered no explanation. Starting to think I imagined it tbh.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:09:11

I think she was a tom. I think that much is certain. On the look out for custom outside a function.

Still on the fence about the rest of the story sad

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 12:13:53

I think she was massively pissed/high as a kite grin

I'd be confused about whether id rather this young woman was a sexually incontinent total weirdo than my DP would make up such a bizarre tale, which doesn't exactly make me feel good about myself sad

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:14:00

TeeBee - I'm not very close to his friend if I'm honest. He's a good lad but I only know him through dh, they work together. I have no reason to believe he wouldn't tell me the truth but if there was something to hide I think he'd side with dh. Gut feeling that's all.

It isn't unusual for there to be more than one event on at any one time at this venue as it's massive. And posh and v.expensive.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:17:08

Rock and a hard place. sad

I'm trying to stay calm about it all but it all just makes me so emotional.

I could email the venue to see if there was a multiple 'do' on that night. Even if they say yes I'm no further forward.

If they say no then I know my dh is lying to me sadsad

DrinkFeckArseGirls Mon 01-Oct-12 12:23:10

Well, clearly there's something off. Either it's the way he told you or when or the 'believability' if the whole story that got your back up. If trying to imagine what my last BF would've do e in such situation if it were real. I think he'd do it straight away, he'd be pissed off and incredulous. He would not be questioning whether yo tell me or not. hmm really not sure about this one and clearly neither are you.

Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 12:25:44

Weird!

I really am loathe to suggest this as it's going to make you feel 10x worse (sorry) but the first thought that sprang to my mind is that he worries he is going to be accused of rape and is trying to get his story out there first. Otherwise I just cannot see the point in telling you.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:28:44

Well - if you checked up about the other wedding reception and there wasn't one that would just mean the girl was lying though.

I can well imagine a prostitute would single out a bloke leaving a posh do alone for the 'lift home' story.

TeeBee Mon 01-Oct-12 12:30:15

I would be inclined to call them to be honest. If they say they did have more than one reception then ask whether they have CCTV on their car park as your husband was assaulted that night and you may need the evidence. I would then calmly explain to him that you have called them and ask for CCTV footage and gauge his reaction.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:31:37

Sorry if you've said already, but are you surprised he gave her the lift? Some men would, some wouldn't. No rights or wrongs about that. Just wondering.

I recon my DH would be more inclined to help a woman get a cab in that situation. Even if it meant giving her the money. Not let her in the car.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 12:31:38

OK... here's another one. He really did give someone a lift, tried it on and got a slap. Returned to the party rather than come straight home so that the red mark on his face has chance to go away. Spend a couple of days getting his story straight. Being a man of limited imagination he mingles the truth with the last porn movie he saw.....

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:32:40

That's a really good idea TeeBee.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:33:24

So can I fluffy. And it could be either of them that was lying I suppose. It could have been a girl from the same reception, but dh didn't know her? I imagine it would have been quite busy with lots of booze flowing.

Not sure who mentioned it but this girl was apparently steaming drunk - I can't believe I forgot to mention that.

Dahlen, if he was going to be accused of rape then surely he would have a more urgent reason to tell me immediately?

Drink - not sure about it all. Too many holes in the story.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:37:48

Sorry, x-post with all of you!

TeeBee - It's a possibility, would they even tell me though? And if they did would they let me see the CCTV?

Again, something else that's crossed my mind Cogito. I can see me never getting to the bottom of this.

Fluffy - He would want to help, but I wouldn't have expected him to actually give her a lift in his car. I actually said that to him, why not just call her a taxi and pay for it.

Actually that's just raised another question.

She said she was going 'uptown' with her friends. If she had no money, how cold she possibly have been?

TeeBee Mon 01-Oct-12 12:42:19

I think it's worth a try. Just ask whether they have it - chances are they will if its a big venue. If they don't, they don't but you don't have to tell do that. His response to you saying you are getting it will tell you a lot.

geegee888 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:45:50

If you believe that, you'll believe anything. Seriously, OP, you really do not believe his pathetic lies, do you?

That poor man, with women regularly throwing themselves at him. He must be a total adonis. Young girls finding him so irresistable that they start having sex with themselves in his car (you would think what with his being irresistable to women he would known not to give her a lift) and pleading with him to pleasure them. The poor brave soldier, struggling through the wedding after this shock.

This is really laughable OP. Either its real and hes scared you'll find out and is preparing you, or hes very sad and looking for attention by making up stories.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:45:59

dh has just called, he knows I'm bothered by the whole thing. I told him we need to talk later and he said now he feels like he's done something wrong. I don't want to make him feel like that, I just want to understand the whole thing.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:47:03

This isn't a regular thing GeeGee, nor was it stated that it was.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:47:48

OK ..... If the story is true exactly as your DH has told it - then she was probably lying about the going to town, possibly lying about attending a function there (the same one as your DH or any other) and was looking for 'work' or, seeing she was drunk, more likely a one night stand and a lift home.

In this case it's going to be hard for you, or HIM to get evidence of his innocence as she'll just be there on CCTV getting into his car in the car park, surely.

If his story is a bunch of lies then you may just find the first hole with the CCTV footage. You could ask if his car was on film at any point? Perhaps calmly say someone damaged it that night and your looking into how and when?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:49:53

Geegee, I don't know whether you intended it but your post was a little sarcastic sounding. I have no-one else to talk to, it isn't something I'd like to pour out to my family and I have no close friends that I would bother with it.

I'm looking for genuine advice please.

clam Mon 01-Oct-12 12:50:20

If it looks fishy and smells fishy, it probably is fishy.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 12:51:17

X posts about your DH ringing. It's good that he knows you need to talk more about it though OP. At least you don't have to do the 'there's something we need to talk about ...' announcement sad Hate doing that.

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 12:51:41

If this is true it's one of the bizaareist things that's ever happened - I expect he offered a friend of a friend home, tried it on with her, got slapped made this up in case she tells anyone and it somehow get's back to you.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 12:53:41

I guess I'd mentally prepare a list of questions to ask him and have the chat he's offering.

He knows its a big (and odd) deal.

Also prepare to hear the new truth

Good luck x

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:53:56

It sounds like she was looking for a one-nighter. I would have liked my husband to advise the horny young girl that he has a wife and children, she probably would have cooled off.

Good idea about telling them his car was damaged, they might be more willing to help in that situation than "I think my husband might have cheated and I want to check your CCTV to see if a woman got in his car"

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 12:57:54

new truth sadsadsadsad

God I hope not, I'd absolutely fall apart.

sad

I have a list of questions that I want to ask him. I'm inclined to believe him, I want to believe him but I agree the story is so unblievable that I'm struggling.

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 13:02:33

Reading your op I would possibly suggest

Your dh left the reception at 11.45 with this girl, offering her a lif home

He tried it on with her or worse and she hit him. He's made up a story incase she goes to the police. Or perhaps it was consensual but she found out he was married and kicked off. Maybe she threatened to tell you and he's getting in first to discredit her.

He didn't get in until 3. If he left at 11.45 that's over 3 hours. Does your dh normally spend 3 hours giving people lifts home?

If this really happened, why didn't he tell you sooner? In what he's told you he's just a lovely guy who's been attacked by a sex crazed monster. Have you suggested he goes to the police yet?

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 13:03:37

Well exactly OP. About the CCTV car thing AND the bit about it being such an odd story that it's natural to be struggling.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 13:06:04

Handbag he went back to the reception after giving the lift and didnt get home till 3 after that. So he was back at the reception for .... 2 hours ish then OP?

Oh OP this is horrible. If it were my husband I would be devastated too....BUT I would like to tell you that I believe him. I think that he had no reason to tell you anything. i would believe him.

However, you would be wise to ask a few more questions. You never know and see what happens. Benefit of the doubt on this one I feel.

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 13:13:48

Just another one to throw in there, wedding receptions don't normally go on that late, venues normally call time at 12 for the sake of hotel guests. It's possible he hung around in the bar with guests staying at the hotel - have you asked him what he was doing?

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 13:14:03

Oh, Cherry sad I clasp you to my size 22 wobbly bits for a hug and put a two bottles if cava in the fridge.

Stay strong thanks

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 13:15:41

Fluffy I know but he says he went back to give other guests lifts home and that's why he didn't get in until 3.

So why did he leave and meet this girl in the car park at 11.45 if he was going to be doing lifts at 1/2/3 etc? Where was he going? Why did he leave in the first place? Does he normally stay out til 3am giving lifts to mates?

It doesn't make any logical sense at all. Which suggests its made up.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 13:23:26

So where did he drop her off? Home? Where was it?

Also, sorry, I agree with Dahlen that was my first thought too sad

SaraBellumHertz Mon 01-Oct-12 13:26:35

Apply logic:

1. why didn't he tell you immediately?

An honest man would tell their partner immediately: It is a very unusual, not to mention shocking thing to happen. A man with nothing to hide would come straight home and tell their partner, because it's the sort of thing you don't keep secrets about.

2. Why is he telling you now?

Because he is worried someone else is going to tell you they saw him with the woman, ergo someone saw something "worth" telling.

I'm sorry OP, IMO it is clear as day that he picked up a woman either at his wedding or on leaving it and fooled around in the car. Someone saw him and the rumors have started so he is fumbling around for an "innocent" explanation.

The fact he returned to the wedding after apparently leaving should tell you all you need to know.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 13:27:47

Yes - i see what you mean now Handbag. I missed/forgot the bit in the OP about him explaining he was so late because he took friends home the second time he left.

Oh Christ cherry it's a shit sandwich isn't it? I am sorry. And i really hope this all ends well.

I know i've already said it and others have said it but do this: sit down and write down all the conflicting/odd/unlikely details of this event and keep it in mind when asking him about it. Wondering how/if you will bring up the subject of CCTV footage (whether you have or havn't got or tried to get the co-operation of the venue on that) .... without sounding like you don't believe him AT ALL sad

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:28:02

Sorry, was trying (and failing) to get some housework done but sod it, I'm having a day off.

Handbag - my dh doesn't drink so he is always the designated taxi driver home, he's very good natured that way. He's often back at 2/3am for this reason. His friends live all over the place too so it's 100% believable that this is what he was doing until 3am.

Greeneyed - I think they were in the hotel bar now you've mentioned it, talking to the bride and groom. I expect there will be pictures on fb soon, I'll keep my eyes open for them.

He has just rung me again, concerned for me. I asked him why he went back to the 'do' and he said it's because he was shaking and needed to tell someone - he told his good friend. It was hid friend who pointed out that if the tables were turned and it had been him pleasuring himself in the passenger seat, he would have been arrested.

There's not much point informing the police about her as dh has no idea who she is.

I'm happy to say his story hasn't waivered at all, he has answered the few questions I have put to him without hesitation.

I have explained to him exactly how bothered I am by the whole thing, he's adamant he's done nothing wrong. I think I probably believe him, however I don't think he;s innocent.

I think he's irresponsible for letting a stranger into his car.
I think he's crazy for not kicking her out of the car sooner. I'm afraid if I was him I'd have kicked her out as soon as she dropped her knickers!
I'm angry he never mentioned me or our children (I think it was quite brave for him to admit this to me, he knows how fiercely protective I am about our marriage).

tzella - hug and cava much appreciated, thanks!!!!

magicstar1 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:29:11

I must be the odd one out...but I could well believe him.

I've seen my DH out on his motorbike and a girl with no knickers on trying to get on the back and go for a "ride". This was just as he was driving through a crowd of drunk people who'd spilled out of a pub and were on the street.
The reason I saw this is because I was driving mine behind him.

Sometimes drunk women behave totally inappropriately, and I've seen men freeze cos they're not sure what to do. If your DH had thrown her out of the car she could have been attacked in the middle of nowhere, or screamed that he tried to attack her.

It seems to me that men are always thought to be cheating bastards on here....give him a chance to talk to you please.

LizLemon007 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:31:57

I haven't read the thread so apologies, but that is a staggering work of *arse-covering fiction, and I can smell the bovine excrement from here I'm afraid..........

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:33:45

Whitecherry - He dropped her off at a clubbing hotspot in town. And hot footed it back.

Sara - we have a very open marriage, no secrets. I told him what my friends did because it was eating my insides! I expect he felt the same.

He had promised to give his good friend a lift back home (I know this for a fact) but he cancelled as he wanted to leave and left at 11:45. This is the part that gets me angry.

After all this happened he returned and carried out the lifs as prmised to save his friends the taxi fare.

Shit sandwich indeed sad

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 13:34:43

How does he feel about reporting the incident? she did assault him - why not suggest it and say you'd feel happier if he did, God I imagine if it happened to you he;d be marching you down the police station to report it there and then. His reaction to the suggestion may be telling. I hope this ends well for you OP.

geegee888 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:35:12

*Geegee, I don't know whether you intended it but your post was a little sarcastic sounding. I have no-one else to talk to, it isn't something I'd like to pour out to my family and I have no close friends that I would bother with it.

I'm looking for genuine advice please*

The genuine advice is to get some common sense, and don't believe everything that you're told.

My mistake in that I thought you said in your OP this was the third time it happened to him. In actual fact, the two incidents were men forcing themselves on you. It happens. Mainly to women. I'm also concerned because men are more likely to throw themselves on very vulnerable women who they think won't perhaps stand up to them. Do you see the link?

I think your DH is totally having you on, and I can't believe that you are falling for it.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 13:36:45

He doesn't know her.... But where did he drop her off?

perfumedlife Mon 01-Oct-12 13:37:00

I'd be more concerned that he didn't open the door and eject her the moment she started touching herself. What in god's name made him carry on driving her?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:37:06

MagicStar - I fully intend to give him a chance, don't worry. I don't think he's the cheating kind. I don't want to believe that he is. I just love him so much, this story is messing with my head.

Please ignore the part on my pp about the part making me angry - I should poof read!

Looksgoodingravy Mon 01-Oct-12 13:38:25

On first reading this story it did sound like utter tripe. Sounded like your dh was trying to cover his tracks but reading more from you Cherry I'm know not so sure confused bit puzzled though, you say his story hasn't waivered, however he first states he went back to his friends as they needed a lift home, he's now stating that he was shaking and needed to tell someone. I'm hoping it is how he's described to you but you have reason to feel hmm about this.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:41:50

perfumedlife - that's exactly the point I made to him. But as magicstar pointed out, it would have been more dangerous to do that - it's all country roads with no lighting from the hotel to town.

geegee - I agree it happens more often to women, I just don't believe my husband is one of those men that would do it. If I did want to believe it surely I should run for the hills now and file for divorce?

whitecherry - he dropped her off in town, near the main clubs.

greeneyed - what would we report? An unknown woman assaulted my husband in his own car? I fear the police wouldn't be interested.

itsallinmyhead Mon 01-Oct-12 13:43:45

This is really suspicious & I really feel for you Cherrypie.

I'd be asking why my DP didn't stop the car and ask her to leave if she was pleasuring herself in the car.

Why punch him?

It's all wrong, none of this 'story' sits right.

I've tried putting myself in your position & i'm doing so have concluded if I were you, this wouldn't be where I left this.

Good luck.

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 13:45:07

Why are you fiercely protective of your marriage?

Why do you think he equated your friends trying it on with you and a random stranger randomly fingering herself in your dhs car randomly?

Can you talk to his friend about what happened?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:45:56

looksgood - he had promised them lifts but told them he wanted to leave and cancelled those said lifts. After the woman was dropped off he says he was shaking and wanted to tell his friend and calm down before driving home - it's about a 5 minute drive to town from the hotel but about 45 from town to home, so I can understand him going back now, as much as it annoys me.

I think he's grounded from now on grin

perfumedlife Mon 01-Oct-12 13:50:11

Yes I agree about it being potentially dangerous for her and for him with regard to accusations but he already took those risks when he invited her into his car. My point is, what reason did he give you for not throwing her out the car at that point?

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:51:44

itsallinmyhead - I can't leave it here, I need to know exactly what happened. I intend to try talking to his friend but as I only know one of them it's difficult. There was another of his colleagues there who would tell me the truth as there's no love lost between either of them - I just don't know how to approach her with it. If she doesn't know about the whole thing then do I really want to tell her? She's a gossip so the rumours really would start then which would make for an uncomfortable working atmosphere for my husband.

handbag - I am so protective of our marriage because we married very young and everyone expected us to fail. dh was 18 and I was 20 when we married, we already had a daughter.

I think he was drawing comparisons to how angry he was about that and perhaps preparing me to be angry about this.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:53:17

Sorry perfumedlife, those were the reasons he gave me. Plus the route he took is a route we both use often so we both know how dark and spooky it is. Nothing but fields and trees.

charlearose Mon 01-Oct-12 13:53:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife Mon 01-Oct-12 13:55:36

Oh CherryPie, I see. What a nightmare for you. He took stupid risks giving a strange woman a lift, I know you had a bad experience but it wasn't a stranger.

What's your gut telling you?

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 13:57:20

Sorry, but the most likely explanation here is that your dh gave a drunk young woman a lift, tried it on (or worse) and got slapped for his pains…

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 13:59:02

If a man got into your car (invited or not), started wanking, asked you to have sex with him and when you wouldn't punched you - wouldn't that be considered a serious sexual assault by the police? Surely they would respond in the same way if the perpetrator was a woman - I think they'd want to know about it, okay I'm not saying they'd catch her but if this is really what happened it should be reported. - my point however was more to gauge his reaction on suggesting it.

fertilityFTW Mon 01-Oct-12 13:59:43

I asked DH what he'd think if a male friend confided this story and he said he wouldn't believe it! He suggested that a) maybe you're not the only one who's a bit insecure and perhaps your DH was also trying to one-up himself (seeing as he brought up the men who hit on you). And b) if anyone indeed behaved like that in his car, his family car to boot, they would be unceremoniously dumped at whatever corner they happened to be passing, no matter where that was.

Obviously though, you know your DH best and I hope you find out what really happened one way or other. I wouldn't ask the gossipy lady - sounds like things would spiral rapidly out of control that way.

StillSquiffy Mon 01-Oct-12 14:00:12

Two 'new truths' would not surprise me at all:-

1) He met someone, had a mutual fumble, went back to party to try to pretend he had been there all the time and to build an alibi as to why he 'lost' a coupe of hours, and now thinks you may hear some gossip and/or find hairs/fluids,

2) He met someone, tried it on, got rebuffed, went back to party to build alibi and is now worried he may have been reported to police.

It may have happened as described, but I'd be amazed.

If it were me I'd tell him that as far as you are concerned she has clearly assaulted him, and if she was as crazy as she sounds he needs to make sure his back is covered, so absolutely imperative that he gets CCTV from car park to prove he was approached by her and that she was really drunk, etc, etc, so you and he need to go straight to venue to get the tape. Oh, and you & he should also check out for CCTV where he dropped her off, too.

I reckon that simply suggesting CCTV and checking his reaction will give you enough info to work out what's truth and what's bollocks.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:01:07

My gut is telling me that he simply tried to help someone. He's very much that sort, but not usually to this daft extent. It's madness to invite a stranger into your car, not something I would ever do but if I did my dh would be livid!! And if came with a story as creative as the one I've been told then I'm pretty sure I'd be divorced in record time!

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 14:01:27

Ew, don't ask his gossipy colleague!

I guess I'd wait til later, sit down and hear the whole story again before drawing further conclusions.

Him giving her a lift in the first place, then going back to the do, not throwing her out of the car and waiting to tell you are all things that I'd be inclined to take at face value. None of that sounds bizarre compared to the meat of the story.

Life eh? Pffft.

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 14:01:47

Forgetting about the sex bit for a minute.

I'd be pissed off if my dh spent time and money ferrying round mates til 3 in the morning on a regular basis. Particularly if he'd been out all night on a jolly and I'd been at work. It's time, money and effort that is beyond that of what most people do for their mates which is being taken away from you and your family.

I'd be pissed off if my sober dh got into any kind of dialogue with a very drunk woman he had never clapped eyes on before and took her off on his own. They were at a hotel, he could have guided her to reception or gone to reception and explained what was going on and asked for help. I presume he is not monumentally stupid else you wouldn't have married him smile

I just can't see it happening how he tells it, sorry. I hope you get some proper answers.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 14:06:08

I have just looked and to be honest cherry your DH is rather handsome! Maybe, just maybe, she fancied him...

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 14:06:39

And his knock back knocked her confidence

Viviennemary Mon 01-Oct-12 14:07:13

Don't think I would believe this story if I were you OP. And how foolish to give a lift to a young woman he did not know.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:07:14

Greeneyed and Stillsquiffy - That's what I will do I think. It makes perfect sense, plus the taped from the venue may provide some form of identity perhaps? It will give me some peace of mind too knowing it's reported.

Fertility - I don't blame your dh for not believing it. It's a ridiculous story. I certainly won't be asking the gossip lady. She would tell me the truth but she would also tell the world.

LadyJH Mon 01-Oct-12 14:11:56

I really think he should talk to the police. If this story is true then he needs to cover himself in case she accuses him of something. Her DNA is in his car and he has a 'defence' wound. People would have seen them leaving together.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:13:43

whitecherry - I had forgotten I had photo's on my profile! Haven't used MN for months and months then yesterday my niece needed advice, and today I need the advice! At least I know I can get good advice here smile

You're maybe right about her fancying him....he is super lovely wink

vivienne - you're right, it was a ridiculously foolish thing to do. But I want to believe him.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:15:29

LadyJH - those 2 lines that you wrote make perfect sense but also made me sick to my stomach.

Just thinking of her sat next my dh, doing that... sad

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 14:15:40

I like stillsquiffy's approach. That should help you to work out if he's desperately trying to cover his lying arse or not.

UC Mon 01-Oct-12 14:17:02

I'm going to disagree with most other posters - this all sounds far to far fetched to be anything but true! I also had a look at your profile - your DH looks very young so maybe she was just a very pissed, very stupid girl who fancied him. Once he had offered her the lift, maybe he felt he couldn't chuck her out in the middle of nowhere - her being a "young girl".

He sounds as though he might just be too nice. Maybe he should stop offering lifts all the time (definitely to strangers, and perhaps to his friends - who sound as though they take the piss, expecting him to drive them about for hours just because he doesn't drink - I think that's really out of order).

As for being shaken afterwards - I would have been shaken if that had happened to me. I also think, if it's true, that he might not have come home straight after because he was shaken, and he knew it would upset you.

Just to offer the alternative point of view.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Mon 01-Oct-12 14:17:44

Sorry op but it really does sound like one of those fantasy letters to Playboy.
Apart from the punch in the head thing.

Why would he tell you unless he was trying to 'get in first' before she or a friend told you he was seen leaving with a strange woman?

It all sounds really off and not at all truthful.

JollyJumper Mon 01-Oct-12 14:18:03

I agree with the poster who said that the story seems too far fetched to be made up. Reality is sometimes stranger than fiction. He also wasn't sure if he should tell you or not, perhaps he genuinely didn't want to hurt you?
There are some crazy people out there, perhaps the girl had a fantasy about getting in strangers car and getting laid.
After something like this happens one would be disoriented and perhaps he drove back to the reception without thinking.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:19:44

edam - me too!

handbag - I'm used to him ferrying his friends around, if on the rare occasion I go out, I do the same as I don't drink either when I'm out. Only in the house now and then.

UC Mon 01-Oct-12 14:19:51

Jolly jumper, I am with you.

OP please don't disbelieve your DH because a load of people on MN don't believe him. We don't know him. YOU do.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 14:22:45

Cherry what i'm reading about contacting the police is very sounding very sensible.

Irrespective of the issues you have with the story.

I think after you've gone through it with him later (and of course if you come to the conclusion that all is as he says - which i think you will) you just say 'right, i believe you. We must now contact the police!' List the reasons you've seen here.

It's the sensible thing to do - and will be the very best way to end any suspicions you have too as his reaction will be make things clear as day.

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 14:24:53

UC your last comment is absolutely key. MN people can offer up suggestions, alternatives, questions you can ask etc - but really it's just what you think that matters, you do know him best

Shodan Mon 01-Oct-12 14:30:45

It is an unbelievable story, granted.

But...

It's amazing how the truth very often is unbelievable.

I would hesitate to say that he's completely innocent, but somehow it has the ring of truth to me.

quietlysuggests Mon 01-Oct-12 14:31:17

Cherry pie, trust your husband. I believe the story, theres simply no part of it that might not happen these days. Young women can and do get very drunk and very sexually aggressive sometimes.
If you trust him, then nows the time to trust him.
All the best.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:31:44

JollyJumper - the way you put sounds just like something my dh would do. Go into some sort of shock/autopilot.

I hope you're right and he's telling me the truth. I feel quite sorry for him actually, he's got me that's upset with the uncertainty of all of it. If he really is telling the truth then it must be awful for him thinking I don't believe him. sad

The thing is too, he very rarely goes out. He usually opts to stay in with me [because I'm a sad act and have no friends].
He sometimes rings his friend on a night as they're both managers and like to compare how their day went etc.
He only goes out if it's a special occasion - close friends birthday, wedding, engagement.

Fluffy - it absolutely makes too much sense not to call the police. This could all too easily be turned on him and could escalate from there.

I think that it all sounds a bit hmm sorry Cherry.

If it was me I'd be telling him that I'd already asked the venue to watch the car park footage and that they've agreed to let me go up and watch it tomorrow (I'd tell him that they had agreed to it as I'd told the hotel that the car was damaged)

If he was OK with me watching the cctv footage I'd go one step further and insist that he absolutely must report it to the police as it was an assault.

Then I'd gauge his reaction...

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:35:31

Can I just say thank you to absolutely everybody that has commented on this thread - I'm so grateful!!

I am inclined to believe him. I need to hear him tell me the story again though later, where I will question it and question it until I'm satisfied.

Would I just ring the local police station to report it? Obv not 999

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 14:36:17

How could it be turned on him Cherry? By the police you mean?

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 14:36:40

I'm also wondering that inviting him to have sex would then leave her feeling able to
A) ask for money
B) steal money
C)go to police crying rape

Just a thought.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 14:38:02

It's ok, i've got you now grin i thought you were saying you wouldnt call the police as it they'd turn it on him.

The non emergency police line would be the way to go.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 14:38:07

You could ring the non emergency number 101. But obvs discuss it with him first.

Reporting it to the police will rattle his cage lol.

MAYBE then you will get the truth.

He's probably done something he shouldn't have and is worried he was spotted, and that it will get back to you. Or maybe the police tapped on the window.

Either way whatever happens remember you have support on here.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 14:40:52

I'm starting to think he's telling the truth now. No idea why. Just sharing that with you OP.

Please let us know how it goes later? I wish i could make you a cupper in RL grin

clam Mon 01-Oct-12 14:41:28

I'm just trying to imagine the police's reaction to someone reporting this story. hmm

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:42:35

UC - for some reason I missed your post at the top of this page. I think that's a very good point to make. I would have been very upset at being woken up by a shaken up dh. It takes quite a lot to shake him.
On the picture I think he was about 23, he does look a but older than that now (partly because he hates shaving and so constantly has his stubble, [I secretly love this grin ] ) but he's still only 25.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 01-Oct-12 14:46:29

Do you know what, I think the story is so far fetched, it has to be true

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Mon 01-Oct-12 14:46:32

I don't think it's odd that he would tell her...my DH would tell me if some girl came on to him.

It is UNUSUAL....but not impossible that a girl might do soemthing like this...maybe she was ery drunk? Or has problems....but I do find it concerning. If anything, if it IS true...then it underlines how vulnerable men can be.

She could have accused him of anything. He should have called her a cab. If she had no cash, then he should have taken her back to the reception or advised her to do so.

I still think he sounds honest and i am always ver suspicious. I would still be upset that my husband was silly enough to take a young woman out in his car and be having words.

If any part of you feels he is lying then use the cctv footgae thing to guage his reaction! he might be pleased that they have it so he can prove to you his story...

None of this is beyond the realms of what can happen. He sounds like a nice man.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Mon 01-Oct-12 14:48:10

Some girls DO propostion men...out of the blue. When I was 15, I had a friend who did similar to a taxi driver to get out of a cab fare.... She told me later...very proud of herself. sad

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:50:36

Clam - yep, you're not the only one!!

Thingsthatmakeyougmhmm - thanks, I'm glad there are people on MN who will offer up sound advice and support. smile

Fluffy - re-reading my post, I worded it rather badly didn't I? Sorry blush
Cuppa sounds nice!! Have now made a coffee. Lush smile

OfficialFlyingSquirrel Mon 01-Oct-12 14:52:21

Hi. I'd also be inclined to believe him, and I am someone who struggles with trust. They said fact is stranger than fiction!
If he's as lovely and helpful as you say, then he's probably innocent. I was recently attacked and a 'good' friend of mine said it was my fault as i am a 'bit flirty' anyway. She would not beleive i had not led this person on. Its very annoying being innocent when no-one believes you.
So. Ask him again later but do not distrust him jsut yet smile

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:00:00

Thank you so much to everyone who believes my dh. It's so good to hear!!

BigFatLegs - Proud? Goodness me, I just can't imagine someone having standards low enough to do it. I don't think this is anything he will ever do again. I have told him I will be so disappointed and upset if he did. It will be reception next time, should there be a next time.

BitOut - it is rather far fetched isn't it? Stories aren't something my dh is good at. I've never known him lie (apart from to his mum when he's off to Asda because she always wants EVERYTHING). But that doesn't count!

RingMyBell - He is a nice man, I'm glad I managed to paint him properly as I am notoriously crap with words. He's really lovely and kind to everybody. Which is why this is so out of the norm for him.

No need to actually report it, just make out that you are.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:04:52

FlyingSquirrel - I'm so sorry you've been through a similar thing, hope you're ok! brew smile

I'm trying not to distrust him. He sounded quite torn up on the phone about the fact that I'm upset about it. I don't think he expected me to be upset today when I was so calm last night as he was telling me.
We even sat down and watched X-Factor recordings afterwards (we still haven't caught up...we're only just at bootcamp!).

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 15:06:15

God, I really hope this one turns out to have a happy ending hmm

wink

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 15:06:39

I would definitely tell him to report it. There will be CCTV at the hotel and in town for the police to follow up. If he is innocent, he won't be worried about them pulling up any CCTV footage.

It IS assault. And if this woman is doing this regularly, then the hotel needs to inform their guests and police need to inform the public so men can be aware, just as they would if it was a man doing this to women. If this is true, then he needs to act on it and report it. Then you will know whether it is true or not.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:07:08

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm - shouldn't we report it anyway as this girl could potentially turn around and say dh attacked her, dumped her in the middle of town...

I don't want dh to end up in trouble because of some silly little girl.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:10:42

MrsDWho - I agree with everything you said!!!

OfficialFlyingSquirrel Mon 01-Oct-12 15:11:06

I agree about possibly reporting it, once you've spoken to him. Not to try and get her arrested, but to tell someone what happened in advance of her possibly panicking and calling the police.
hope you're ok smile

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 15:11:38

Absolutely Cherry. You don't know what kind of trouble this girl may have got into later that night, behaving that way, and if the police are already involved in anything they'll be interested in her whole night and who she was with and where from the get go. ie your husband at one point shock (hope he's learned his lesson about strangers!smile)

Better to go to them - and if they're not interested then, well, you've done the right thing anyway.

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 15:14:17

Nice men can still do silly/bad things...... non of us is all pure good or pure evil, life's not that simple - this all sounds plausible OP but equally you need to make sure every last piece fits together. My DH is the last person anyone would imagine cheating but I wouldn't trust him or anyone else blindly as I believe EVERYONE has the potential to stray given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 15:20:22

I agree, even the nicest person could make a cock up with a judgement call, just one of those things.

But I would push for him to report it.

Good luck, and I do hope for your sake that he is telling the truth. I shall pop back later to check on any developments.

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:26:35

I can see where you are both coming from, I will report back with more info once I have spoken to him. Praying everything slots together like it should, I'll be quite broken if it doesn't.

I will be pushing for it reporting and also for the CCTV coverage. If he really dropped her off where he said he did then there are many cameras covering that area.

Thanks so much everyone. I've got a fresh list of questions ready to reel off to him and suggestions to make also. thanks

spondulix Mon 01-Oct-12 15:28:24

I'd believe him, too.

Let's say he did pick the girl up for sex. Why would he then make up this detailed story to tell you? If it was because someone had spotted them in the car together and he was worried it would get back to you, he would've surely just said he gave her a lift into town.

Good luck OP x

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:30:04

Thank you spondulix smile

I would call his bluff and tell him he needs to report the assault (punch on the face) to the police.

If he won't, there's your answer.

SaraBellumHertz Mon 01-Oct-12 15:41:59

But you're marriage is clearly not as open and honest if you believe given that it took him two days to tell you what happened confused

You need to think about why he didn't tell you straight away and why he is choosing to tell you now.

I'm afraid the answer is fairly simple. It's bull.

Flimflammery Mon 01-Oct-12 15:46:32

I'm not surprised it took him two days to tell OP. If it's true, then he was probably feeling very shocked and humiliated, and didn't know what to say or how to tell her.

I agree flim - It would be shocking and humiliating. Poor man.

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:03:32

The answer isn't fairly simple at all. Everyone reacts differently to different situations. You can't simply just judge because one has dealt with a situation differently than you would have.

Personally, I don't blame him for not being sure whether to tell. Even if he had straight away, and the OP came on here straight away, people would still be calling it bull as it does seem far fetched, yet not impossible. Women can behave like this, many in fact. We can be just as nasty, and vicious as men can be and men can also be vulnerable, and attacked. Sexually and physically.

This woman needs reporting, if it is indeed true. But if it is, you can't blame the bloke for not wanting to speak out. Many women who are raped don't speak out straight away. Does that make them liars because they hesitated?

wonderthis Mon 01-Oct-12 16:05:59

Cherry, I would believe him too. It seems so bizarre that it's unlikely he would have made it up, and I can understand why he was shaken and didn't come straight home as he probably didn't know what to tell you and wouldn't have been able to sleep straight away. Plus everything you've said about the way he told you and the way he normally is with people - he sounds like a good guy.

Let's hope he's learned his lesson about letting strangers in his car though ;)

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:11:48

Oh fgs, now this woman is accused of 'crying rape'?!

Look, the most likely explanation is the dh is a lying tosser who tried it on and got knocked back. All this 'the truth is stranger than fiction' nonsense is just that. His story's so full of holes it would put a colander to shame. Why is it so

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:19:51

oops, meant to add, why is it so easy to overlook the most obvious explanation in favour of throwing insults at a woman no-one on this thread has ever met?

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:22:35

Yes, edam, because no woman has ever cried rape, have they?

All women are innocent who need protecting from all the big bad men in the world, obviously.

It is because of those women who do, that I never spoke up for a while. Many, many women do cry rape. Not that I think this woman would, as I wouldn't know from a bit of information on the internet, but let us not pretend that it isn't possible. Or that the DHs story isn't possible either. Men can be just as vulnerable as women, even if women in general are more vulnerable. Doesn't stop men from being victims, too.

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:27:32

Why is it the most obvious explanation? And correct me if I am wrong, but you are also over looking the possibility of the OPs DH story being true, a man who you also have never met, in favour of some woman, who you also haven't met, who quite possibly could of done this. It isn't unheard of.

Well i would say yes, report it, but my gut feeling is that it will only take for you to mention doing it, and you'll be back on here telling us the real truth when he's told you it.

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:28:17

Get your facts straight, there are no more false allegations of rape than of any other crime.

It's such a bizarre and unfounded leap from OP's 'my dh told me a wierd story where he's completely blameless and this strange woman just threw herself at him' to the response 'Outrageous! Next thing she'll be crying rape!' Why would anyone be so keen to start spreading rape myths with such little foundation? Only people who already have bees in their bonnet on that topic, IMO.

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:32:51

Point out to me where I said there was more false allegations of rape, than there is of any other crime? Doesn't mean there is none, does it?

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 16:35:25

Me... I did.... I gave it as ONE theory in a bunch of others

It happens...

( can't shake the ex cop in me)

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:37:18

Oh come off it, you said 'many many women' and made a big deal out of 'crying rape'.

It's ridiculous because there are no allegations of rape - that's a complete invention. The OP didn't say anything of the sort.

What's more common, husbands playing away from home and fibbing about it, or young women attending weddings who leave on their own, blag lifts from strangers and masturbate in the car without any encouragement? hmm

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 16:38:54

You'd be surprised Edam

(Geordie shore girls anyone?)

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 16:39:25

Was that aimed at me?

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:45:00

Nah, MrsD.

I would respectfully suggest that this isn't a great time for ex or serving coppers to start casting aspersions on rape victims. Not the week after the Times exposed the Rotherham scandals, and the Rochdale report came out. And we already know the Met's specialist rape unit had at least one copper who was busy losing files down the backs of cabinets, lying to the CPS that victims had withdrawn their allegations/lying to victims that the CPS had said not to proceed.

Hostility towards victims is a failing in the police service, not a merit.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 16:48:11

Nobody is hostile. But many other people comment here with different employment backgrounds, so it's also fine for me to do so

I have a personal opinion also. And I have eyes. Some women act disgracefully... This sounds to be one of them.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 16:48:40

If she us 'real' !

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:49:09

That is because many many women DO cry rape. That doesn't mean thousands upon thousands, or millions, but given the worlds population, quite a few women do overall.

And I went on to explain that I didn't go on to speak out, due to these cries of rapes. It wasn't long before that there had been a story about a woman who had cried rape, and I remember people discussing how they are stopping the real victims getting justice. I was 16 at the time, and was absolutely petrified of speaking out in case it got no where and he came back for more.

Sorry if that means I have a "bee in my bonnet" or I am "making a deal of it". Actually no, I am not sorry at all, as it is you who obviously has a "bee in your bonnet" and is being completely disrespectful.

LizLemon007 Mon 01-Oct-12 16:52:34

The problem of women crying rape 'given the world's population' is a drop in the ocean compared with unreported, unpunished rapes.

this is a bizarre angle to take really confused

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:52:44

And actually, I never once claimed this woman would. I was trying to make the point that it does happen, so let us not pretend it isn't possible. You are the one who then turned it into a big deal.

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:54:15

Bollocks. You are arguing two opposite things - on the one hand you say you never claimed false allegations are any higher than for any other crime, now you are (again) saying loads of women make it up. Which one are you arguing?

And anyway, it's irrelevant to this thread, which is about the OP's dh turning up with a dodgy story to excuse a mark on this cheek. The OP didn't mention rape, the girl who the dh claimed came onto him hasn't reported rape. Why are some people so keen to spread rape myths they'll drag it into entirely unrelated threads?

What happend to 'We believe you'?

Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 16:55:29

False reporting of crime overall: 10%

False reporting of rape: 6% This includes women with MH issues and women who have been raped but have accused the wrong person.

Rape conviction rate also 6% - due in part to persistence of the myth that many women lie about it.

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 16:55:31

Many women do not cry rape. The percentage of false allegations are comparable to other crimes such as burglary. This is a rape myth.

Hopefully cherry and her dh will go to the police and if the CCTV hasn't been wiped there will be evidence of flashing/ sexual assault? And the physical assault on cherry's dh. He wasn't drunk, wearing a short skirt, walking down a dark alley on his own, having a relationship with this woman etc etc so it should be cut and dried. hmm

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 16:56:31

I know Liz, but given how women do fall for the gossip that reports of rape aren't all taken seriously due to the cries of rapes, especially young women, it does hold them back. Well, it did with me anyway. And I was just sharing my personal experience.

I wasn't even claiming this woman would cry rape, I was simply trying to point out that it is possible.

I shan't bother anymore.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 16:58:40

She hasn't reported anything that WE are aware of. His strange story , and even stranger admission of it, makes us wonder why

A few posters have suggested he's getting it out there now prior to it being 'uncovered' ... So why?

What's he telling this 'story' for.... And why does everyone say 'we believe you'? When you don't believe this man?

He has been assaulted ( taking it at face value)

We believe you? Not happening is it?

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 16:58:57

Good. Glad you aren't going to try to shoehorn attacks on rape victims into conversations where they really aren't relevant. Would be nice if you could look at the facts and reflect on your attitudes as well.

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 17:01:07

Maybe your "loads" is different to what I would consider loads, as in one too many.

I am leaving this thread now, as I am being made out to be a liar and what not. Disgraceful.

A quick google brings up stories of false rape accusations. They do happen, THAT was all I was saying. And that it can affect people. Not just women, but men.

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 17:02:17

Because the dh has a bizarre story and the only facts are he was out late and came back with a mark on his cheek. The far likelier explanation for being out late and coming back with a mark on his cheek is that he was Up To No Good.

edam Mon 01-Oct-12 17:02:59

Nothing disgraceful about challenging rape myths. Quite the reverse.

UC Mon 01-Oct-12 17:09:44

OP don't get distracted by other posters having a row about something irrelevant to your situation.. Question is do you believe your DH? You know him, we don't, we don't know the girl in question either. There are plenty of reasons why a bloke might be out late and come home with a mark on his cheek - he might have been in a fight, he might have fallen over, he might have walked into something, he might have been slapped by a girl whose advances he refused. The point is we don't know. If I were you, I'd ask some more questions. This story is so random that if he's lying, he'll forget something and slip up. Ultimately though you may just have to go on trust.

MrsDWho Mon 01-Oct-12 17:54:50

Just to make a point. I am not keen to drag rape myths into threads, at all. I only started commenting on cries of rape after your initial post about it, edam, as the way you was talking about it, was like it is completely impossible.

I never once said before then that the woman would cry rape. In fact, I told the OP to push her DH to report it to the police, and if he is innocent, he wouldn't have anything to worry about.

I just was trying to make a point that women can make false allegations. I never meant to imply that loads and loads do every year, just that many have over the years. I don't know exact numbers, so couldn't claim there was tens or hundreds or thousands or millions. I was just trying to point out it is possible, and that the after fall can affect others as it did with me. For the wrong reasons maybe, but they can still do so they shouldn't just be dismissed.

But even so, if he is innocent completely, and if this woman did cry rape, he would have nothing to worry about. My argument isn't that she will though. I think that the idea that she would isn't highly likely, but just saying that it is still a possibility. As the DHs story sounds very far fetched, but isn't impossible.

Or maybe I have been led up the garden path to believe such a thing happens at all. Maybe I should do my own research, but I don't like to even think about it nevermind research statistics. I probably do still have a bee in my bonnet over it all. My issue completely. But this is the first topic of which I have spoken about this on since joining MN months ago, so I am certainly not keen to do anything with regards to rape myths otherwise I would of done so before.

I apologise for my wording. The topic has gone way off topic as like someone said, there have been no claims of rape anyway.

Sorry OP. I hope you manage to find out the truth.

lotsofcheese Mon 01-Oct-12 18:27:51

Hope you get some answers tonight, OP

quietlysuggests Mon 01-Oct-12 19:04:47

.

madonnawhore Mon 01-Oct-12 19:35:09

I'm posting this when I've only read up to page five, so sorry if someone's already brought this up. But I dont believe that he randomly decided to leave early and then just so happened to meet this girl in the car park on his way out. And then, despite being at a massive do where she obviously knows people, she asks him for a lift. And then she just so happens to be overcome with lust and starts fingering herself in his car.

Why did he decide to leave early all of a sudden when he was supposed to be giving his mates a lift home later. Didnt they mind being stranded? Werent they bothered that they now had to spend taxi fare on getting home when they'd been relying on your DP? If he's the sort of person who'd do anything to help, why was he prepared to let them down so easily? And for no good reason?

And how convenient unlucky for him that he bumps into this girl who then turns sexual predator and then aggressor.

Sorry, but it sounds like a big made up lie. I think he's full of shit and covering his arse to stop it hitting the fan.

Can I add myself to the minority who believe him, please?

Imo she was clearly going to make sure it was a paid transaction once he'd said yes to the sex - that's why she didn't leave with someone she knew and why she was going to town despite having no cash - she was expecting to sleep with him on the way and make some! And that's why she was pissed off he said no and hit him.

The bit about going back to the wedding afterwards makes sense to me too, I imagine he was reeling a bit and not ready for bed.

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 19:51:13

Madonna, OP has said

he had promised them lifts but told them he wanted to leave and cancelled those said lifts. After the woman was dropped off he says he was shaking and wanted to tell his friend and calm down before driving home

OPs DH then chatted with bride and groom at the bar, gave the promised lifts, and was home by 3.

OP - thinking of you, hoping tonight's talk goes well for you.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 01-Oct-12 20:07:13

Can I just say OP that I really have everything crossed for you

It sounds like you and your DH are sensible people with a solid marriage and I hope it's all just as he said.

Good luck! xx

Viviennemary Mon 01-Oct-12 20:13:10

So he had decided to leave early. Then gave this person a lift. Then went back to the Reception and stayed till three o'clock. That is a very tall tale indeed. . Sorry.

discrete Mon 01-Oct-12 20:20:54

Dh was approached by very sexually aggressive women on a number of occasions back when he had a very high paid job.

Nothing to do with his looks I don't think, as he looks much better now that he is not doing a crappy city job, but since he doesn't spend time at expensive venues where rich bankers hang out it has never happened again.

It is a fairly common strategy which quite a lot of rich bankers fall for. Offer easy sex, preferably to a married man (does your dh wear a wedding ring?) and then demand lots of money to not tell the wife.

I know all women are supposed to be pure and holy and all men bastards on MN, but unfortunately reality is a bit more mixed.

madonnawhore Mon 01-Oct-12 20:37:56

Dunno, still doesn't ring true to me. Why wait two days to tell you? I think the truth of this is in the post...

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:51:14

Short post...

Everything is as fine as can be at the minute. The talk went well, lots of tears on both sides.

I believe him. I really believe he is innocent. You can tell in someones eyes, there was nothing but truth.

Have not read all the posts, but thank you to those that contributed, I will update more when I get chance.

Thank you all so much. xxx

CherryPie3 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:52:15

Discrete - dh is too in a well paid job, and no his wedding ring is awaiting resizing so he doesn't wear it at the moment.

LolaCola1 Tue 02-Oct-12 00:00:18

Sounds like he is covering himself in readiness for the police knocking on the door. It's a disbelieve from me.

Sorry

tzella Tue 02-Oct-12 07:51:43

Glad it went OK, Cherry, and hope you both can feel better soon thanks

CherryPie3 Tue 02-Oct-12 08:41:29

Actually got some sleep last night!

We both feel tonnes better now the air is cleared. It was so clear to me last night that he had done nothing wrong. He feels humiliated and incredibly foolish for letting a stranger into his car. As I pointed out to him, she could have had needles or anything hidden in her purse/bag.

Anyway, if had said that I didn't believe him, that would mean I didn't trust him. If I were to start not trusting him now means I would never trust him again iyswim?
It would spiral downwards pretty quickly.

So I had to give him the benefit of the doubt here, and I'm so glad.

Booking the car in for a bloody good valet today though!!!

That woman is still going to plague my head for many months, but that's for me to deal with now.

I really cannot thank you all enough for yesterday. Really helped get things clearer.

thanks xxx

CherryPie3 Tue 02-Oct-12 09:27:49

I should add - we did ring the police, they are not interested. They said the CCTV would have been wiped from the town centre by now although we don't know about the hotel. They were doubly not interested when we advised we don't know who this girl is or how to contact her.

They did ask if dh had sought medical treatment, which of course he didn't as it wasn't necessary.

For those that would not believe their husbands had they been placed in my position, I would advise a little trust goes a long way. As small a situation as this was, it could have broken our marriage if I had broken my trust in him.

Fortunately as many of you lovely ladies pointed out, I do know my husband and I know how good natured he is. He was utterly heartbroken when he saw how upset I was yesterday evening.

As far as I'm concerned now, it's completely put to bed. It's an unfortunate incident that happened but it's done and dusted.
Although I have warned him that the outcome would be very different if he EVER gave a strange woman (or man!) a lift again and placed himself in that position again. I would be the one slapping/punching him!

magicstar1 Tue 02-Oct-12 11:10:52

I'm so glad that you talked it through and cleared the air. It does sound very plausible to me and I would have believed my DH too.

Best of luck x

Viviennemary Tue 02-Oct-12 11:20:43

The police not interested when your husband was assaulted by this person. That does seem very surprising indeed.

So pleased cherry. He sounds like a lovely husband thanks

greeneyed Tue 02-Oct-12 11:55:11

Shocking from the police - couldn't be bothered with the paper work by the sounds of it - imagine if a man had done this to a woman and they didn't do anything - I don't believe the CCTV would have been wiped they obviously just couldn't be arsed to look into it. G

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 12:39:41

I don't believe the police were disinterested in this.

Though I suspect the OP's husband claimed he made the call to them and reported that version of events.

Merrin Tue 02-Oct-12 12:58:34

Did you or your husband speak to the police Cherry?

edam Tue 02-Oct-12 13:16:40

Cherrypie, I'm glad you have resolved things with dh and are feeling happier. Just a small point though - if someone does kiss/cuddle/do more with a stranger, they are the ones breaking trust. Not their spouse or partner. No-one whose spouse or partner has behaved badly should blame themselves for not trusting the cheater.

mcmooncup Tue 02-Oct-12 13:39:47

You have to keep cctv footage for a min. of 28 days.

LolaCola1 Tue 02-Oct-12 13:53:53

I cannot believe that the police were not interested in this. And I absolutely cannot believe that this girl just started 'playing with herself' and then attacked your husband. Now, I suppose it's not an impossibility that is did occur but sorry - it's still a disbelieve from me.

A little trust may well go a long way but I'd put money on the fact that he is bullshitting you. And I'm sorry about that.

LolaCola1 Tue 02-Oct-12 13:55:28

Were you there when he made the call to the police? I know for a fact that they wouldn't have said they weren't interested. It wouldn't happen. So someone is lying...

CherryPie3 Tue 02-Oct-12 14:05:50

Yes I was in the same room, watched him dial the number etc. I heard him answering all the questions and everything.

They really weren't interested at all.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 14:14:17

You didn't hear their responses then? You didn't speak to them yourself then?

I'd ask to speak to a different police officer if I were you, because you're being lied to at worst and at best, your husband was very lucky that he got someone who doesn't know police policy on this issue.

The police would be interested in this and will follow it up, I assure you. If your husband was telling the truth about any of this, he would also instantly report it as an assault.

CherryPie3 Tue 02-Oct-12 14:18:04

No Beth you're right I didn't hear their responses.

I wish this was over and years in the past sad

This all hurts so much. Last night I was so sure of his innocence and now I'm doubting myself again. Stupid things keep running through my mind.

I think I want to talk to his friend, find out what time he got back to the reception because as yet that's unclear. DH doesn't want to talk about it anymore which is both understandable and worrying.

sad

quietlysuggests Tue 02-Oct-12 14:29:16

Beth you are just so SURE
But life is not like that
What is strict policy in one area is ignored in another
One police man follows everything to the letter of the law
One cannot be arsed answering the phone

Nothing is SURE and to use your pretence that it is to shake OP up again is naive at best, shit-stirring at worst

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 14:38:35

Yes I am sure that if someone reports an assault to a police employee, they are duty bound to investigate that further. That is national ACPO policy and doesn't vary between force areas. Of course it is entirely possible that the OP's husband was dealt with by a lazy or ill-informed police employee, which is why I suggested she phoned someone else, because the response as reported, is incorrect.

spondulix Tue 02-Oct-12 15:01:48

"If your husband was telling the truth about any of this, he would also instantly report it as an assault."

Why does this mean he's lying? Does everyone who gets punched in the face report an assault? No, of course not!

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 15:08:48

If Cherry had reported this tale to her husband about a man who had slapped her when she refused sex, I think her husband would definitely want it reported as an assault. If she didn't want to do that, alongside all the other frankly bizarre behaviour such as returning to a social function for hours after the alleged assault, then yes I think he would have reasonable grounds to think she might be lying. This is all about the context of this assault, not whether people generally always report assaults on their person, to the police.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 02-Oct-12 16:23:41

My DP got punched in the face by a random stranger in a bar last year for being "foreign" sad He didn't bother reporting it. Not everyone's first reaction is to report everything to the police. Mine would not be

The op had made her peace with her DH. Now those here who "know" he is lying have caused her untold more misery by getting her to doubt her own judgement again. Way to go

LolaCola1 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:30:33

For me, this is nothing to do with whether her DH reported it to the police and everything to do with the fact that a random woman beg for a lift, plays with herself in the car whilst telling the stranger who's agreed to the lift that he is gorgeous...she then begs for sex repeatedly and then punches him. He then returns to a function until 3am.

THAT is what I absolutely would not believe. The chances of the above happening are.. slim.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 18:43:44

Yes I agree that the attack itself and not wanting to report it is on the face of it the most minor issue and that it's the story leading up to the alleged attack that defies credibility, along with the frankly bizarre return to the social function.

However, reporting an attack to the police and being prepared to be questioned about it and to make a statement might lend more credibility to at least this part of the story.

Bit suffering a random and unprovoked attack by a stranger is completely different to this particular story. If your partner had the misfortune to suffer a racially motivated attack, I can see why he might not report it, although I wish that he had. But if that attack had occurred in connection with other events that defied credibility and which you and others were having trouble believing, actually I'd think his first instinct after talking to you would be to report it. If only to show that he was willing to be questioned by people who aren't in love with him and don't trust everything he says without question.

In fact, I'd love to see what a trained police officer might make of the OP's husband's story..........

notanaxemurderer Tue 02-Oct-12 19:14:45

Beth are you seriously suggesting that the DH should've reported the crime not because it was assault, but to give credibility to his story?! Crazy.

Who cares if people here think the story lacks credibility, OP. You know your husband, no one here does. A lot of people here seem very emphatic that this scenario could never have occurred - they must've led very sheltered lives!

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 20:00:23

No I am not. As described by the OP's husband, it certainly was an assault. Having the courage of your convictions to report that assault is however not just a sign of good faith to the OP, it might have also prevented this woman assaulting good samaritans in the future.

It's not posters who've led sheltered lives and it's not that posters think that a story about a predatory woman is an unlikely scenario. What I think people are having more trouble with is that this man didn't eject her from his car when she started masturbating and pestering him for sex - and that instead of either reporting her assault to the police straight away or at the very least returning home and telling the whole sorry tale to his wife, he went back to the function and failed to return home for several hours afterwards, not telling his wife about any of this for a further 48 hours.

notanaxemurderer Tue 02-Oct-12 20:56:54

I see what you mean. However, human beings don't always act in a rational way. In the cold light of day it's blindingly obvious what he should've done but while it was happening he might've been frozen by indecision.

Also, we don't know where they were driving: maybe they were on a dark rural road and the DH didn't want to leave her on her own. Or maybe they were on a motorway and he couldn't stop.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 21:08:58

You know notanaxe I can just about buy a story about a young man without too much knowledge of the world, acting like a rabbit in the headlights while this was going on.

What I don't buy is that he returned to the function and didn't come home for hours, didn't tell his wife for 48 hours and accepted an incorrect response from the police when badgered by his wife to report it.

I think this man has told a pack of lies and was frightened of the truth slipping out via someone else. I expect he's told his mates and/or other witnesses to cover for him but one of them ( or the woman herself) isn't playing ball, hence this cock and bull story told to his wife 48 hours later. I think he was panicked and nervous and was why he kept phoning and texting the OP yesterday. Now that she appears to believe him, he doesn't want to talk about it at all, in case he trips himself up further.

Opentooffers Tue 02-Oct-12 21:35:47

The pitfalls of giving lifts to strangers. Most people are aware it's risky, as is allowing yourself to be in an enclosed place with a person of the opposite sex who you don't know. Odd that the OP's DH never considered this before giving a lift, or what it could look like if his DH was to find out from a third party who saw him leaving with her - hmm that could explain a tail, it would be a good one to use? Not sure if OP has mentioned any evidence of the punch? I'd guess there was non as she knew nothing for 2 days.
If the tail is true, I could see why someone would not want to tell the police, could be seen as a bit embarrassing that he put himself in that potential position -it all sounds a bit too naive. Wouldn't even good Samaritans, make sure before they offered a lift to an unknown female that either another could chaperone or witness or at least know what was occurring beforehand was straight-up.
Given this, I'd guess he knows that someone saw him leave with a female and this is the cover story.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 02-Oct-12 21:41:38

beth I never said it was racially motivated. My dp is the same race as his attackers ie white

I agree that it is pointless to report to the police just to give credibility to the story as if, if he doesn't want to report it is not true. What odd logic

Opentooffers Tue 02-Oct-12 21:46:56

Did your DH invite you to the reception as his plus one? Not sure how you came to be working at his Mum's shop on the evening, as usually these things are known well in advance so can free up the time. If it was the OP's decision not to go, fair enough. Just hope for her sake also that her being unable to go was not engineered to some extent.

LolaCola1 Tue 02-Oct-12 22:41:55

Beth - I'm an ex police officer.

Hence why I know with absolute certainty that the police would not have dismissed this phone call. They would also not know about the CCTV footage and its possible deletion in the space of one call. And even if they had wanted to dismiss it, well, that's not possible. A record would have been created for the call alone and a URN given to the caller [ Unique Reference Number ]

I'm in two minds as to whether the whole thread is real, actually.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 00:34:21

Lola I agree with you completely and that's my experience too.

Bit you said upthread that your DP was:

punched in the face by a random stranger in a bar last year for being "foreign"

which in terms of motive, would certainly be treated in law as a racially motivated attack. Racial attacks don't just cover race as a factor, but nationality, colour, ethnic origin and religious belief. The victim doesn't actually have to be of a different racial, national or religious group to his attackers; it is enough to prove that the attacker perceived the victim to be 'different' and attacked him for that reason. The same is true of all Hate Crimes e.g. motivated by a person's perceived disability, sex or sexual orientation.

For the umpteenth time, I'm not suggesting that this man wastes police time with a false allegation, just to add credibility to his story. I am saying that if he believes he was attacked by this woman, he should consider reporting it to the police, in order to see justice done and to prevent the perpetration of similar offences by his assailant. I'm sorry he hasn't done so (if he was actually attacked), but also suspicious that he didn't because that course of action could have gone some way to alleviating his wife's perfectly understandable doubts about his account of events.

Unfortunately, those doubts extend now to his report of his phone call to the police.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 03-Oct-12 00:55:24

I've read this thread and I can't believe the number of people who think that the OP's husband is a lying bastard, OR that this was just some horny, sexually predatory young woman.

Out of more than 200 posts only three or four seem to spot that this woman was a prostitute.

There's a post a page or two back that says this:

Imo she was clearly going to make sure it was a paid transaction once he'd said yes to the sex - that's why she didn't leave with someone she knew and why she was going to town despite having no cash - she was expecting to sleep with him on the way and make some! And that's why she was pissed off he said no and hit him.

The bit about going back to the wedding afterwards makes sense to me too, I imagine he was reeling a bit and not ready for bed.

This is exactly my take on the situation. If your husband is the kind, obliging, chivalrous type, OP, he would have been far too naive to realise what was happening, even when it was happening, if you get my drift. And if he didn't realise what she was, he would have been really shaken by the experience.

Sure it's a strange story, but it has the ring of truth. The only bit missing is that her husband didn't realise, either when he agreed to give her a lift, or later, that he'd picked up a hooker.

And I think the fact that he found all this very unsettling explains why he didn't tell you straight away. It does sound bloody odd, so no wonder he didn't want to tell you. The fact is, it's shaken your trust (and this has been helped by a things lot of people on here have said) and he probably worried that would happen.

I think this woman approached your husband as a potential punter and maybe even assumed he'd know that paid-for sex was part of offering the lift. He was naive and shocked. She was angry when she realised she'd got it all wrong and that's why she hit him. Maybe he still doesn't get this, or perhaps he panicked when he realised that he'd managed to pick up a prostitute without realising it.

This is a much more plausible explanation than that she was just some horny stranger. I can understand why no-one believes that idea.

Don't let this wreck your marriage OP.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 01:13:59

Whereas I think that we shouldn't be surprised by a woman propositioning a man for sex and shouldn't assume that the only women who do so are prostituted. No-one would disbelieve a story about a man chancing his arm in this way and there wouldn't be an immediate assumption that he was a male prostitute.

Not that I think any of the above is true anyway.

It seems far more likely to me that the man concerned had consensual sexual activity with a woman he met at the wedding and rather than take the rap for that, saw fit to besmirch her character and depict her as a deranged sex fiend.

FloydieDoydie Wed 03-Oct-12 02:42:35

I must admit my initial thought while reading the original post was prostitute and I thought that was where the post was going - he got nicked, or caught, or guilty conscience etc.

The theory of a trashy girl who had spent all her cash and wanted to earn some on the way into town to carry on partying, also sounds pretty plausible.

That said; the idea of him being spotted in the car with a girl/hooker who was masturbating (prior to a consensual casual/or paid for sex encounter), then concocting this as an alibi in case it gets out, sounds equally likely.

I would also say that plain common sense says police wouldn't have erased CCTV footage so quickly. Think of all the cases where someone has gone missing/been murdered and the police broadcast the footage or use it as part of a prosecution. Therefore police wouldn't routinely delete potentially crucial footage within such a short time period.

As other posters have said, if the gender roles were reversed no way would it be dismissed just because the injury wasn't worthy of hospital treatment. There is no contact in a flashing incident, but it's still illegal.

The fact that your husband doesn't want to talk about it anymore now raises it's own issue - either he's worried about tripping up, or he could be suffering distress (again imagine the role reversal).

Sorry Cherry but on balance I feel it needs further questioning/action. If it is totally genuine your husband has experienced a disturbing event and the perpetrator should be investigated.

I would be pushing for another call to the police (where you check and dial the number), or even better for you to accompany him to the station, and to make the complaint to another officer.

This will give you an answer either way.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 03-Oct-12 07:14:10

Beth I'm sure you must realise that there's a difference between being a different race and a different nationality

dysfunctionalme Wed 03-Oct-12 08:44:31

I'm inclined to think that either she was a prostitute and he felt incredibly guilty so concocted the lift home scenario OR she was not a prostitute, did ask for a lift, he agreed then he tried it on and she walloped him. Both of which would explain his fear about it all.

But it all sounds v far fetched so impossible to know the truth

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 09:22:39

Gosh i'm so sorry that this is rumbling on for you Cherry. Your situation in 'Real Life' i mean. Not the fact that the thread is still going on.

If you're still reading then let us know how you are, and if things are clearer yet.

My gut reaction to your update was surprise that the police said they wipe cctv tapes (as yes, the point of them is to monitor the public and prevent crime. Not much of a help or deterrent if they just get wiped every morning !?! confused)

Plus surprise that the police weren't interested at all.

I'm now in 2 minds about weather this girl was simply a prostitute on the job that night as she was so very drunk at the time. I may be being stupidly naive here but i would have though a streetwise prostitute would know better and would keep her wits about her?

I second the suggestion to go along with your DH to a police station and talk to an officer together. For your own personal peace of mind with regards to seeing him being happy to report it with your own eyes and ears and also just because i'm sure it should not have been dismissed.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:09:24

Morning everyone.

Have read through the posts but my brain has garbled them together confused

This morning has been a bit wobbly.

My husband went to work early doors, like normal and I came on here to post and had a mini meltdown. So many don't believe and I was seriously starting to doubt my judgement.

So I text him. I told him I was going to ring up the police station and tell them about the incident to see if they considered it worth reporting. 30 minutes later he was texting me from the big police station in town telling me he was just going in.

He actually rang me and put a lady officer on the phone, she sounded very official and advised me that the incident has been recorded but there's no paperwork to do because there's nothing to prove. She explained it's a complex situation because even though she was touching herself, she could easily say my dh asked her to. Even though she walloped my dh for saying no, he can't prove it because there's no mark and because there's no mark means if he pursued it, it would go to court and for so long and it wasn't worth it. She had a look through the recent reports to see if anything had been reported against my dh. There wasn't anything. She checked the CCTV, it's still there, she, eventually, saw this woman slamming my dh's passenger door and storming off. The police woman did say my dh was incredibly naive about it all and he should learn from this experience but he did the right thing. The hotel is in a small country village and it is rural roads all the way into town.
I just sobbed through the whole conversation. But I'm glad I spoke to her.

She says it's much more common than anyone realises, mainly men going in to say "I haven't done anything, I want to report it to prove it."

God knows what the officer was on about the other day. At least this lady was helpful.

I'm putting this to bed now. My husband wants to forget it and so do I. The police are aware and it's like a huge weight has been lifted.

I knew I was right. I knew he was innocent. I can't believe I almost thought otherwise.

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. Everybody!

Please everyone stop arguing now grin. I never meant to spark up so much controversy. thanks xxx

EggInABap Wed 03-Oct-12 10:19:47

So you told him you were going to ring the police, he crapped himself and got some woman to tell you what you wanted to hear?

His story is the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. I'm sorry if that's not a supportive thing to say but it sends me into a rage when people tell lies, especially piss poor ones. How stupid does he think you are?!

The policewoman wouldn't have been able to watch the CCTV footage there and then. It's not how it works.

If I were you I would make a trip to the same police station today and try to speak to the same officer. Without telling your DH first. It will either confirm what you already think, that he's completely innocent. Or that he's full of shit.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Wed 03-Oct-12 10:34:38

It's your choice. He is your partner and it's your life.
He may have done something fairly innocuous and panicked, setting off this complicated web of implausible stories.

He may have done something a lot worse.
It may all be true.
But I am very sorry I do not think your partners is telling you the truth.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 10:41:21

There's no way the policewoman would've been able to see what was on the CCTV footage while she s on the phone to you.

Officers would have had to go down to the council (or whoever owns the CCTV cameras), get the footage and then scroll through loads of it to see if they could identify the bit with your husband and this woman.

And they wouldn't have done that without taking a proper statement from your H first. Which he'd have to give either at the station or they'd come to see him at home.

I'm sorry but the more you look into this the more his story is leaking holes.

I think you'd be silly to let this lie OP.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:42:32

EggInABap - I am laying this to rest. Whether you think he's full of shit or not is not your problem, it's mine. And I don't think he's full of shit. She told me what I wanted to hear and I feel a million times more comfortable with it all.

You don't believe him, that's fine. You're not the only one that doesn't.

But I'm the one who is married to him and I truly believe he hasn't done anything - but..... if he has then he's got away with it this time. I'm not prepared to throw away my marriage because of a 'maybe he did this' or 'maybe he did that'. There's no way to prove this either way so I'm not pushing it anymore.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:49:47

This incident will always be in the back of my mind but if I carry on dwelling on this I'm gonna make myself poorly.

Benefit of the doubt, whether it was a random lady on she phone or not she made me feel better. From here on I will be more cautious anyway, there's always going to be some form of doubt in my mind but I'm pretty sure I've made the right call.
The lady was talking to me and I could still here hustle and bustle in the background - it didn't sound like a random place my dh would take a woman to make a convincing call to his wife.

I'm not going to call the police station, I may go in later if I get wobbly again but right now I feel quite confident that we'll be fine.

I want to feel like I'm being strong about this, and right now I do. Most of the time.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 10:52:00

And you told him you were going to the police and 30 mins later he rings you from a police station? Where was he supposed to be? At work? How did he explain it to his boss? "Oh I've suddenly really urgently got to go to the police station and report a crime that was committed against me five days ago. Not sure when I'll be back"??

And then you speak to an officer and she tells you shes already viewed the CCTV without an official statement being taken from your H?? Bear in mind that the duty officer on the front desk won't be the investigating officer. So he must've walked into the station, walked straight into a meeting with the investigating officer. How convenient that the investigating officer was at the station and not out and about or on a night shift. And how convenient that they'd collected all this CCTV evidence despite telling your H on the phone the other day that there was no point taking it any further.

I'm sorry if this is coming across as harsh OP, I can tell you desperately want to stick your head in the sand and believe its all okay. But none of this stands up to scrutiny. That's just not the way police investigations work. I've reported an assault in the past and it was taken very seriously and the investigation was very thorough. So I know a bit about how it works.

It doesn't work like this.

I bet if you keep digging your H will soon get aggressive and defensive and try to make you drop it.

Stop taking his word for anything. So far you've only got what he tells you to go on. You haven't actually heard anything from the police with your own ears. Every time you try to do that, he jumps in before you get a chance.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:53:11

I can't remember who asked about my being his plus one. I only found out about it last Wednesday, I always help his mum on a thu, fri and sat night. I know je definitely went to the reception as him and all his friends (male and female) met at the shop before they went and they were all chatting about it. xx

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 10:56:50

Did you take down the name of the woman you spoke to at the police station? Could you call her back and ask her how she came to be looking at the CCTV?

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:56:51

Madonna - I know that you're right. This is a head vs heart thing for me.

I'm seriously considering going to the police station today.
As far as dh knows this has been dropped so I won't tell him anything about it from here on.

sadsad

I HATE this!

OneHandFlapping Wed 03-Oct-12 10:58:40

How do you know that the woman on the phone was actually a police officer? It could have been anyone - a friend/work colleague/the woman from the previous night.

Nothing has been proved one way or the other yet.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:00:09

I know it hasn't. We aren't really any further forward at all. sad

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 11:04:07

Think he is playing you for a fool Cherry.

I would encourage you to go to the police station. That way you will know for sure if he has been spinning you a web of lies.
which l think he is

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 11:06:28

Cherry, take control of this yourself. Take whatever steps you need to satisfy yourself that you know the truth.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 11:08:06

It might seem tempting to sweep this under the carpet, but in a couple of months time it will start to niggle and eat away at you. Then slowly the trust and your relationship will be eroded.

Save yourself months and possibly years of suspicion and heartache and just get to the bottom of this now.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Wed 03-Oct-12 11:08:47

It must be horrible
You have the right to draw a line under this if that is what you want to do.
I think you should tell him you do not believe him even if you are going to let it go.
The truth may not be as awful as you imagine.
But how are you going to get through this as a couple if you don't know the truth?

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:11:18

When reporting something like this to the police, would dh have been given any paperwork? How long would the questioning have taken roughly?

I got the impression that it was just the lady at the desk who I spoke to. Would they be able to just pop something on file? I am completely clueless about all of this so if dh is indeed playing me, I wouldn't have a clue.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Wed 03-Oct-12 11:16:21

They would not have CCTV infront of them and they wouldn't be able to get it without an official complaint. Then they would have to have paperwork in order to get it.

Please stop working Out how this all could be true.
Either accept it isn't and move on or accept it isn't and tell your husband you know he is lying.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 11:20:02

He would have had to give a statement. When I gave my statement, a police officer came to see me at work and we stepped into a meeting room and he took my statement from me in about 20mins.

My memory's a bit hazy but I think they gave me a crime number which meant I could call the station and they could pull up my file more easily.

The CCTV thing is a massive red flag in the story. Like I already said, the police can't just 'log in' to the council's CCTV files while they're on the phone to the public. They have to go and get the DVDs and then some junior offic has to spend hours searching through the footage. They wouldn't just fast forward to the rough time your H said he was dropping the woman off and go "yep, okay, there they are.". They'd definitely want to cross ref it with the time your H said he left the hotel, so they'd ask the hotel for CCTV footage from their car park too. Which, from his story, it doesnt sound like theyve done.

BUT the crucial thing is, they wouldn't do ANY of this without a crime first being officially reported. According to your H they told him not to bother reporting it (again, unbelieveable in itself). So you see none of this really makes sense at all.

If I were you I'd phone the police station and ask to speak to the 'police officer' you spoke to earlier. Did she even give you her name, if she was a real police officer the first thing she would've done is identified herself to you.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:22:17

MrsDevere - those questions I posted aren't for me to try and prove innocence - the opposite really. From his texting me saying he was at the station, to him putting this lady on was about 15/20 mins. Is this realistic?

I'm just trying to get things straight so I don't sound like a crazy wifey lady when I go to/ring the station.

He works about 10 minutes away from the big police station so it's no surprise he was able to get there quickly. Plus it's the same town where the dirty woman wanted dropping off.

I always thought the police had instant access to CCTV. I've learned something new today.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:24:10

Thanks Madonna, that's really helpful.

I don't remember the woman giving me her name but I was so worked up and crying that I could easily have missed it if she did.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 11:25:12

Was he at work today? Would he normally be able to just walk out of work at a moment's notice and be gone for half an hour?

Did you get the name of the police officer your spoke to?

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:28:43

Oh dear.
Cherry I've just read the whole thread and I was inclined to believe that he had accidentally picked up a prostitute. Even though there were one or two inconsistencies, I thought that was the most likely explanation.

However, this morning's post about him going to the police station. I'm so sorry but that is the biggest pile of manure I've ever heard....the CCTV it's as everyone has said. They can't just turn it on and see it that easily. They'd have wanted to get a full statement from your H then there'd be a bit of red tape then someone would have to view it. All of that couldn't have happened within 30 minutes of you texting him.

He's lying to you. What he's done I don't know. What the truth is I don't know but he is lying about this trip to the police station.

The others are right. You may feel you can let this go now but this will play on your mind down the line because deep inside you feel it's not right, what he's telling you. Almost 20 years ago my then husband had a one nighter or maybe just a fumble when he was abroad on a stag do. I knew something had happened while he was gone. He denied. After thinking about it for a few weeks, I decided to let it go, but even now (and we've been divorced for 6 years), it still comes back into my mind.

oh and as for asking men's friends about their activites, again in my experience men will absolutely cover each others arses about things like this. I don't think it happens very often that a woman gets the truth about her partner from his mates.

MrsDWho Wed 03-Oct-12 11:35:04

Anything which is reported to the police, has to be written down, either in an interview room if he turned up at a police station (and it isn't like he would be ushered straight through) or if you call them up, you tell them you would like to report an assault/burglary/what not, and then they take just a few details IE address, telephone number, where the attack/burglary took place etc, then someone calls you back usually within half an hour to say "Yep, a couple of police officers will be out to visit you to take a statement at x time" or they will invite you in to the police station for a statement to be taken at a convenient time to them and yourselves, UNLESS you are at risk, which of course then they will send someone out immediately. But a statement is always taken, and your husband would of had to of read what was written down by the policeman/woman and signed it before an investigation gets under way IE the CCTV being pulled.

That is how it has worked when we got burgled, and I reported an assault, and witnessed another crime. First thing is always the statement, and they don't rush through it neither as it has to be thorough and they go over and over it with you to make sure no information has been left out or forgotten and I am not sure on this one, but in my circumstances, I was also given a crime number so if I did remember anything else, or had to call back for any reason, I could give them this number and my file could be brought up. Don't know if that is the case for every report made though, maybe someone else would know that one.

Something smells very fishy, but it is your decision OP.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 11:40:44

I believe it. Although Im shocked they haven't taken the fact he was punched seriously!

edam Wed 03-Oct-12 11:42:40

Cherry, I'm really sorry you are having such a horrible time but it seems vanishingly unlikely that your dh is telling the whole truth.

I wonder who he got to pretend to be the police officer? Horrendous if he's recruiting other people to lie to you. But the turning up at the cop shop with no notice and instantly getting hold of an investigating officer and that officer instantly having access to CCTV (held by ANOther organisation) is just ridiculous.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:49:02

Madonna - he's always having to pop out of work for the doctors as he has crohns disease, that's probably what he told them. They wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:52:13

I'm having to pop out just now as I need to take my mum somewhere. I wish I could talk to her about all this but I don't want to tarnish her opinion of my dh.

I'll be back this afternoon x

coppertop Wed 03-Oct-12 11:54:03

The original story sounded highly unlikely, but the police station story is not even remotely believable.

Did you ask to speak to the 'police officer' on the phone, or was it your dh who said you should speak to her?

lotsofcheese Wed 03-Oct-12 11:57:47

I'm wondering if the "police officer" on the phone was OW & he's having an affair? Perhaps the whole story re: woman in car was concocted to cover up him being spotted with OW in car?

I'm really sorry OP, but it seems he's spinning an elaborate web of lies.

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:58:10

If he was my DH I'd be more pissed off about this ridiculous police station story and how stupid he must think I am to believe it, than I'd have been if he'd have had a bit of a fumble with another woman.....

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 12:06:16

Thank you all for the info on police procedure, it's so helpful!

I hope he isn't having an affair sad
I don't think he is, at worst I think this will just be a one nighter because he never goes anywhere to have an affair!

Whoever asked if I asked to speak to the officer (sorry I'm on my iPhone and can't see), no I didn't, dh put her on.

DragonMamma Wed 03-Oct-12 12:08:42

This is bordering on ridiculous now - like so many others have said, there's not a chance is hell the police could just say 'oopsy, there's the CCTV for you'. Even if it was outside their building and on their OWN cameras it would take longer than 20 mins. Possibly a good few days as its hardly urgent to them, is it?

He's spinning you a massive yarn and you're lapping it up. I'm more inclined to believe it's an affair now and that was the OW as who ob earth would agree to be a police officer to somebody's wife otherwise??

You need to STOP telling him what you're going to do so he can't pre-empt it.

Check your phone records online for the phone call to the police, it'll either be a different number to the actual police or lasts about 5 seconds.

He's bollock deep in something - nobody goes to these lengths of lying for no reason. Just go down the police station yourself and see for yourself he's talking shit then confront him with it, because he's running scared and relying on you burying your head in the sand and wanting to believe him.

DragonMamma Wed 03-Oct-12 12:10:55

People will have affairs in their lunch hour, go to work an hr early etc, don't think it's just men who mysteriously disappear for evenings under the guise of poker, pub with friends etc. Where there's a will, there's always a way.

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until i saw the bit about CCTV footage.

It would be impossible for her to have it infront of her so quickly.

I would pop into the Police Station for your own peace of mind and ask if you can speak to the woman you spoke to in the morning and generally gauge the situation.

sad This is such a lot of bull...

Why were you not invited to the wedding?

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Wed 03-Oct-12 12:12:14

I thought hat all reported crimes were given a reference number. Even a stolen mobile gets one. An alleged assault would surely warrent one.
I don't think you should drive yourself nuts with trying to play detective.
Just tell him you know he is lying.
Because he is.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 12:15:38

If he can easily pop out of work because of Crohn's disease, then he can easily pop out for a few hours to have an affair sad

Whoever said he's bollock deep in something is right. Whether or not the woman in the car park story is true or plausible, the CCTV thing is a bare faced lie. So you're dealing with something not very good here.

Keep digging OP.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 12:16:54

Hold on, didn't the police say they weren't going to take it seriously the first time.

There is no way he went to the police station, managed to get the chance to give his statement to an investigating officer, got them to look at CCTV and get the police woman to call you, all within such a short space of time.

That's totally, completely unrealistic.

I don't know what he's up to, but it's not sounding good at all.

Like someone said upthread, stop telling him what you're going to do. Get in touch with the police yourself, and say you spoke to someone on the phone who said they were a police woman but you're not sure if they were for real.

Impersonating a police officer is a crime btw.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:17:22

What part of the country are you in op?

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 12:19:07

I'm so sad for you cherry. This is all just bloody awful.

Look - while you have doubts you just have to act on them. This will just fester and fester and fester otherwise. It's utterly pointless trying to put all your feelings or worries into a box and shut the lid and hope it will stay there - it doesn't work. I know, i've done it (am doing it sad), and it will bite you on the arse again in the future.

And once you leave it for a few more days and a few more days you wont be able to check up on anything because it will all be too late. How awful that would be if he is innocent and you spend the rest of your life with this niggling away. Think of it like that if it helps. The damage is done, whether it's anyone's fault or not, and now you need to sort it so you can both be happy again.

In my experience of contact with the police they will always make a written note (report) of what you're telling them. They have always given me a crime or reference number if it's something i've reported that's happened to me. They will always give you their name. The only times they have not done this is if i've reported something urgent that's happening to someone else. ie: someones fighting in the road or whatever.

Goodness knows what will come of this hun. I wish i could go down to the station with you and be there while you check up on this call. I was reading when you posted earlier, and my first thought was - well how the bloody hell would he have managed to find someone to impersonate a police woman convincingly within half and hour!?!?!? But the more i think about it the more it all seems wrong. The cctv footage, the quick response, the fact that they said at first the footage would have been wiped - but now have it easily to hand ....

Please check up. Sorry for the ramble.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 12:22:03

Cherry all the other posters are right about the holes in this latest story. Whoever you spoke to this morning was not a police officer or member of police staff.

This is why lies are so damaging. The initial whopper begets others.

Various things don't add up now that you've posted more about this.

You only found out about him going to a wedding 48 hours before the event? It's unlikely that he only found out about the invitation then, don't you think? With enough notice, I expect you could have arranged to go yourself, which would be normal for a wedding wouldn't it?

I think it's possible that this whole chain of events started with a lie and they just got worse at every turn.

I think the only way you can get peace of mind with this is to take control of it and conduct your own investigations. Go into the police station and ask to see a woman officer for a one-to-one chat. I think you're more likely to get some empathy about this situation, whereas a male officer might identify with your husband's situation more readily.

Once you confirm that this morning's events couldn't possibly have happened, you will at least know that your husband has been lying about that and the next step is to explore why.

I do really feel for you and I hope you know that posters aren't casting these doubts because they want you to feel worse. If you're in your mid-twenties, a lot of us are probably old enough to be your mum and although I understand why you can't tell her, we're saying what a reasonably savvy mum might say if she heard this story.

To whit, if you married young and a lot of your friends are still unmarried, an indiscretion like this isn't terribly surprising, horrible though it is to be on the receiving end of it. But if your husband is honest, it doesn't have to be the end of a marriage. The key is honesty, because if he has had a one-night stand or fumbling session with another woman and he's managed to lie his way out of it, it's likely he will do it again.

coppertop Wed 03-Oct-12 12:24:08

I would speak to the police (without telling your dh) and ask about his latest story. As has already been said, impersonating a police officer is a serious offence.

The fact that he instigated the conversation between you and the woman makes me even more certain that he used those 30 minutes to set the whole thing up.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 12:24:55

He's covering his tracks.

Please, be careful.

Do you have someone you can confide in in RL?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Oct-12 12:26:31

I'm wondering if the "police officer" on the phone was OW & he's having an affair? Perhaps the whole story re: woman in car was concocted to cover up him being spotted with OW in car?

My thoughts exactly sad

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 12:27:39

Also the point about impersonating a police officer being a crime is a very important one.

He's convinced someone to commit a crime for him to get him off the hook. That's serious.

And I had forgotten that in his original story he'd said that the CCTV had been wiped. How convenient that it turned up after all hmm.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 12:33:14

What also worries me is that there might be more naive people reading this thread thinking that if they are attacked and report the crime, a police officer might really say "It's your word against theirs, so there's no point in reporting it" - which no police officer would ever say.

Lies have ripples far and wide. I just wanted to reassure posters and lurkers that if they have suffered an attack, the police will always take it seriously and they will not be fobbed off.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 12:36:52

I think the impersonating a police officer bit is important, as you may find that if you ask the police simply if your partner made a complaint, they may not be able to tell you anyway, for reasons of confidentiality.

However once you mention that someone called you, then it's about you after all, not just your partner, and if you suspect someone of impersonating a police officer then it's possible a crime has been committed, so they'll be much more interested I imagine.

TeeBee Wed 03-Oct-12 12:42:12

Like I suggested at the beginning of the thread, call the hotel and ask for cctv footage. Dont tell dp that you are doing it. If/when you are convinced he is innocent then you can tell him. His stories have more holes than a cheese grater. The normal thing to do would have been to sa 'we'll go to the police station together', especially if he knows you have concerns. I'm sorry op, i've had many liars in my life, he doesn't even sound like a good one!

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 12:43:03

Yes, i was thinking that aufaniae, and that's really important.

OP will just get told that her husbands report cannot be discussed by anyone else if she doesn't make clear the bit about her concerns about the police woman being real.

What a bloody can of worms sad

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 12:43:25

Even if I believed any of the police station story - which I don't - I find it very hard to believe that a police officer would actually speak on the phone to a disgruntled partner to give this sort of reassurance. That seems far fetched in itself to me - but perhaps the police where I live are much busier than the police where OP lives....

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 12:45:05

I did originally think that he might be covering up for actually attacking someone, and am not totally convinced that he didn't.

However now there's another woman involved, it's becoming perhaps more likely probably another woman, or maybe, possibly prostitutes, IMO.

Tell me, does he have an account with AdultWorks (prostitue website) by any chance? Do you have access to his email account? If so, then to find out if he has an account, go to the AdultWorks site, enter his email address in the forgot password bit. If an email goes to his account, you may have found the answer.

A big question though is why did he tell you in the first place? He must have been worried about being rumbled for one reason or another.

Can you have a chat with the gossip lady without letting on too much?

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 12:46:49

The hotel wouldn't let OP see their CCTV footage because of data protection (my DP's apartment building has CCTV and there's an ongoing row between the landlords and residents about who owns the footage).

Anyway, only the police could ask for access to the hotel's CCTV footage.

If I were the OP I'd call the police station and ask to speak to the police officer she supposedly spoke to earlier. Ask them whether it's possible to check the CCTv in the way she as told. And then she should report a crime herself - that someone rang her today pretending to be a police officer.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 12:47:27

Although I must admit all the above is speculation and perhaps not helpful.
I'm sorry. I am getting a bit carried away with myself.

Let's stick to the facts, which are:

It looks like someone has called you, pretending to be a police officer. That's a crime, and worthy of reporting to the police.

You should do this - without telling your partner - and take it from there.

If you find out that it wasn't a police woman then you need to consider what to do next carefully. He's going to enormous lengths to lie to you, and may react badly when he know he's rumbled. I think you may need RL support for this.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:47:49

I would call or pop in and ask to speak to the officer your spoke to on the phone earlier to clear up a couple of questions. See what happens. I think you need to do this for peace of mind.

The woman in car bit is perfectly possible (some on here don't like to think that women are capable of behaving in such a way, but they are!) but considering you are questioning it all i think you need to find out one way or the other.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 12:50:10

Fuckadoodlepoo it's sort of gone beyond whether the story about the woman is true. That kind f doesn't matter because we all KNOW his story about the police ISNT true.

So why is he lying? Because he definitely is lying about the CCTV.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:50:22

I doubt the op is going to report her husband for impersonating a police officer! She clearly loves him. Even if he's been having an affair i doubt that she or many other people would do that.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:52:02

Have there been any police officers on this thread? I know mn has some police posters but i haven't read every single post.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 12:52:59

But she's not reporting him, is she? It was a woman she spoke to, who was doing the impersonating, not her partner.

It's him who brought the police into it in the first place. If he is lying and it comes back on him, well he's only got himself to blame hasn't he?

TeeBee Wed 03-Oct-12 12:54:00

Fuckadoodle - I think your suggestion of asking questions to the officer who spoke to op on the phone is an excellent one.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 12:54:10

OP when you are back from going out with your mum and you are ploughing through all these posts, please do these things:

-Sit down and try to relax a bit. Breath!
-Have a drink, tea, or coffee.
-Read through the posts here a couple of times because there is allot of very measured, non hysterical advice being given here. And you want to get this right.
-Take your time.
-Think about who you can contact for a bit of support if it turns out that wasn't a genuine call to the police station.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:56:01

But she probably wouldn't report it in case it did come back on him. I think most people wouldn't report their husband while they still loved them/were in a relationship with them. A year down the line i wished i had reported my ex for something but at the time i wouldn't have. I don't think most people would able to do it until the love faded.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 12:57:11

Impersonating a police officer is a crime of course but I don't want the OP to think that her husband is going to get arrested if she tells the police about this. In reality, given that the 'police officer' didn't ring the OP, but was put on the line by her husband who did, the police are not going to commit resources to tracking down the mystery woman because they will know what the motive was and that they haven't got a police impersonator crime wave on their hands. So I don't want any fears of arrests or investigations to deter the OP from finding out the truth. The police will take a dim view of it, but they won't add to the OP's distress by pursuing her husband or the woman concerned.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:57:55

Teebee why thank you! grin I was trying to think how should could phrase it without instantly grassing him up because i think she will be very reluctant to do that.

greeneyed Wed 03-Oct-12 12:58:09

Oh Cherry love, the fact that a few people posting comments on MN can make you doubt his story means you weren't really convinced in the first place you are desperate to believe him and move on. If you want to sweep it under the carpet do it's your life. If you think you can't get past it take control and do some digging. Phone logs would seem a good place to start

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:58:46

Beth. Are you police?

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 13:01:08

fuckadoodlepoopoo do you think you're being helpful?

I'm not sure if you are tbh.

It seems to me you're discouraging the OP from finding out the truth.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 13:02:12

Don't want to say poopoo. But my advice is from experience of the justice system, yes.

TeeBee Wed 03-Oct-12 13:06:41

I don't think she would have to grass him up with what you suggeste. She could say she made a mistake and maybe it was another station or say 'i think i've been taken for a ride here. Let me do some further digging myself'.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 13:18:25

Honestly if it was me having to go there (and i would feel better about going in person than ringing) I would say to who ever is on the front desk:

"Hi, i spoke to a WPC on the phone earlier about some cctv footage she was looking at for me and my husband. I was wondering if i could arrange a chat with her now or make an appt. to talk to her again as i am still not sure about some things".

They may say - right, what was her name? I'd say Sorry, i didn't write it down, but it was at X time of day.

They may say - oh. That's odd. Who did you speak too? Ditto.
Take it from there OP.

They may say - yes! I remember that going on. Here she is! Here's WPC XXX. In which case you could take the opportunity to ask her about the cctv footage at the hotel?

Inertia Wed 03-Oct-12 13:23:44

I agree with previous posters who've said that you need to ring the police station and ask to speak to the officer who called you a couple of days ago. Explain that you didn't get the officer's name, but the date was XXX and the time was XXX, and they called you on number XXXXXX. You might want to be prepared with the date and time that your husband apparently called the police the first time as well.

Have a couple of questions ready so that if it is genuine and an officer calls you, you're prepared- perhaps that you're checking what CCTV evidence is available because you're considering whether you want to speak to a lawyer about what's happened.

If there's no record of anyone calling you- well, then you're in the boat of trying to figure out why your husband would have an unknown woman in his car, pretend to phone the police, and get a woman to impersonate a police officer to call you. I'm struggling to think of anything plausible beyond being spotted with OW and getting her to pretend to be the police twice, but I hope you get to the bottom of it.

As your husband has said that the alleged assault was recorded by the police, even though he says they would take no action, have you had any documents through from Victim Support? I don't know whether this is location-specific, but whenever I've had to report a crime (even for something as minor as someone hitting my parked car and driving off- had to report to get crime number for insurance) , this has been followed up with Victim Support contact details being sent to my home address.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 13:33:46

aufaniae. confused Yes i do. And i don't really care what you think.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 13:34:55

Teebee and fluffy. Yes something like that. That's how i would do it.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Oct-12 13:59:16

Oh Cherry. The police/CCTV story is definitely a lie. For one he wouldn't get seen - and the problem resolved - so quickly. Not because the police are shit or anything but because they are busy and have set procedures to follow. It simply wouldn't happen like that.

And for another they wouldn't be able to see the CCTV footage from the police station. They would need to send an officer to the establishment and ask the company whose CCTV it was for the footage. And it isn't even always possible to give it to them immediately, companies have procedures too.

Can you see how it doesn't add up?

I don't know what your husband has done or been part of, I wouldn't like to speculate. But he is lying about something.

I would go into the police station personally (without letting your husband know first) and ask to speak to a police officer about your phone conversation earlier as you still have some questions. If you can give them dates and times when you spoke to them it would help them narrow down if your husband really did speak to someone.

I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling so much doubt and confusion. It must be horrible. I hope you can get to the bottom of it, for your own sanity.

notanaxemurderer Wed 03-Oct-12 14:19:22

Oh dear. Just read your update. I was one of the believers before but the CCTV thing is just so unlikely I don't know what to think now. So sorry you're going through this, Cherry sad

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 14:31:24

I'm back but haven't read any updates yet.

Asked my husband for his reference number so I could make a note of it for future reference. He said he wasn't given one? He never gave an official statement, it was more of an informal chat with the lady at the desk.

I can't go through to the station today as I have the school run to do but I think I'll go through in the morning, in secret.

I have one friend that I could go to but she isn't reliable and I couldn't trust her to keep it to herself. So really I can't go to her at all can I?

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 14:39:17

There is absolutely no way on earth any police officer would track down CCTV, watch it, have an informal chat, phone a suspicious spouse to reassure her and do all of that without a reference number or official statement.

I am really sorry hun but he is absolutely lying. Your job is to find out why he's weaving such a tale..

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 14:42:59

That sounds like a really good idea cherry.

You may need some RL support after, could you call your parents or a different friend for support? You might surprised how helpful people can be when you need them.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 14:45:30

Or, if he is caught lying to you, perhaps it won't matter if your friend tells people? Depends how you feel about that, but they're his lies not yours. You've done nothing wrong.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 14:46:12

Cherry your husband is lying.

Please stop telling your husband what you're going to do. Go to that police station in secret as soon as you can. Don't tell your friend or anyone else about this either. Do what needs to be done and keep your own counsel.

Your husband now realises that you know he's lying. Be prepared now for the lies to get even more elaborate and to receive some fake 'letter' from the police with a similarly fake reference number. Does your husband know you've got a thread on here?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 03-Oct-12 14:49:35

Good plan about tomorrow morning. We're all behind you. He's definitely lying but who knows why? You need to know more, you poor lamb, it must be horrible just wondering sad

Orchidlady Wed 03-Oct-12 15:09:09

Dear cherry, I am very sorry I have to agree with most on here, your DH is lying through his back teeth about something, he is taking you for a fool. As Beth said STOP telling him what you are doing. The fact he had drawn other people into his web of deceit for me is is horrible. From an outsider point of view his story is so far fetched. I am very sorry you are going through but at least when you get the truth you can decide what to do and take control. Keep strong.

riverboat Wed 03-Oct-12 15:24:17

This must be so stressful and worrying for you Cherry, I'm so sorry.

I think you definitely owe it to yourself to check out his story with the police station. Even if you ultimately decide to continue with your marriage. Just the thought that your DH potentially got some woman - maybe THE woman - to lie to you on the phone so elaborately makes me sick.

Best of luck with the police station tomorrow morning. You have a right to speak to a police officer about it - either your DH is telling the truth and somebody can verify to you that what he described is in line with their procedures, or he's lying in which case somebody was breaking the law by impersonating an officer on the phone. Don't feel like a 'silly emotional wife' or whatever it was you said earlier, for wanting to check it out with them. It is entirely within their remit to listen to you and help you.

OfficialFlyingSquirrel Wed 03-Oct-12 15:42:23

hi love.
I originally believed your husband was innocent. However, the police story is sounding very fishy. I've had to call the police about serious incidents and yes they did get reported. My mother, on the other hand, called for a chat about disruptive neighbours and they immediately opened a case and gave a reference number! And last year my sister got bitten my a dog and again was given a whole case number. Sorry Cherry. xxx

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 15:43:04

Hi everyone, my mum has finally gone but I only have about 20 minutes free at the minute. Dh finishes work at 5 and I don't want anything to look different to the kids or dh.

I feel so bad knowing I'm going behind his back about this but then I think, well, he clearly already has. I hate having secrets from him.

I have spent the last 10 minutes reading through FAQ's on police and victim support websites. Not because I don't believe you all but because I desperately want something to kind of back up what my dh is saying. Needless to say none of it does and I wasn't surprised. Just makes me that bit sadder.

My brain is trying to concoct some kind of explanation as to why none of this adds up and I just can't.
I'm not the bravest person so I'm terrified about going to the station tomorrow, I don't want to waste their time or them see me as a nosey wife who doesn't trust her dh. I'm worried that they might just turn around and say "sorry love but everything is confidential".

I just can't stop crying about the whole thing and it's upsetting my 2yo seeing me so much.
I'm devastated at the thought of all this being lies, that potentially he and this woman are laughing at me for being so gullible.I'm terrified of everything you guys have said, being true. sad
I have nobody in RL who I can call or talk to. My sister lives 4 hours away and I'm not particularly close to her anyway anymore, she's very wrapped up in her own life right now.

I think someone on here asked where I was? I'm in West Yorkshire.

To clarify for Quintessential, my dh knew about the wedding sometime before apparently, I have no idea why I wasn't invited but it isn't unusual for him to not ask me as I would probably have said no anyway, I wouldn't want to let his mum down. I rarely go to any of his friends parties/events unless I know them personally. I will from now on I think, either we both go or none of us go.

The lack of a crime number is really stressing me out because I had just assumed he would get one, the fact that he doesn't have one makes me think I may have caught him out on something. We'll see tomorrow I guess. He did call me and made me promise I wouldn't raise this with him again, he really doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I'll let it lie for now but once I've spoken with the police I'm gonna have to bring it up again I think.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 15:45:26

I wouldn't tell your friend just yet cherry, if she has a bit of a problem with blabbing.

It's not long to hold on till tomorrow and then you will have an idea of whether or not you are going to need a bit of emotional back up.

I know it must be awful. My DH is the one i turn to in a crisis, so if he were the cause of the crisis i too would be hard pushed to know who to talk to let it all out, and would feel very lost.

sad hug thanks

Try to relax tonight, and not talk about it with him if you can help it. Just hang in there and look at tomorrow as being the day when you start to get some questions answered.

We're not just words on a screen - we're all here wishng you the best outcome.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 15:50:15

X posts cherry, but what i said stands. You poor thing.

Good that he doesnt want to talk about it. You can get on with your investigation without feeling you're hiding something.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 15:52:18

If i were near WY i would be round to make you a cupper smile But you're safe - i'm miles away!

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 15:54:37

"I'm worried that they might just turn around and say "sorry love but everything is confidential"."

I think that's a very reasonable concern. And if you simply say you're trying to find out whether your DH filed a report then they may say this.

That's why it's important to remember you can mention about the phone call from the WPC. That concerns you. Asking to speak to a WPC who called you is absolutely fair enough.

You could choose to play along and ask to speak to the WPC who called you, saying you can't remember her name, and giving a time etc, as suggested above.

Or you can be honest and say someone called you yesterday saying they were a WPC but you don't think they were, could they check.

Personally I'd be more comfortable with the second as it's more honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to pull off the first option personally! I think you run the risk of them simply giving you the brush-off and then still not knowing.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 15:54:40

You'd be more than welcome Fluffy smile

I'm not feeling too strong right now, I have to mop up my face and get the kids off the school bus. sad

Bloody hell sad

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 15:58:11

A nice warm brew for Cherry.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 16:00:28

He made you promise not to bring it up any more?!

I'm not surprised. He's probably starting to panic and is realising he's being caught out by his own lies. The fewer questions you ask, the less chance there is of him tripping himself up.

I knew he'd try and shut you up.

Ask him how he'd feel if it was you who'd been approached sexually by a man in a car park late at night and then physically assaulted by him. Would he be happy to let it go and never speak of it again?? I doubt it.

The things you need to get to the bottom of are:

1. Why did he even tell you about this woman in the first place? (My guess is that he's having an affair and someone's threatened to blow the whistle.)

2. The answer to 1 will tell you why he's lying about this whole police/CCTV thing too.

So sorry you're going through this. He's treating you as if you're a but thick and will swallow his bullshit. Well done for staying strong and refusing to be fobbed off. Even if the truth is unpleasant, you'll respect yourself so much more in the long run knowing that you didn't let yourself be made a mug of.

Sending you strength smile

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:01:42

aufanie the second suggestion is a good one. I've been trying to think how to word it but I think that's great.

And Cherry, if they do say 'sorry love but it's all confidential' then you can ask in that case WHY did one of their officers allegedly talk to you over the phone about it in the first place? She had no idea who you were. IMO that just wouldn't have happened.
And your H doesn't want to talk about it any more because he's afraid he's going to trip himself up in a lie. And he wants to brush it all under the carpet because he knows he's fucked up in some way.

Easy to say try to stay strong for now. Everyone here is supporting you.

greeneyed Wed 03-Oct-12 16:07:23

I'm sorry but despite the implausibility, because of your unwavering faith in this man I was keeping an open-mind - I have to say the police stuff however just doesn't ring true.

He is lying to you. At best he did not report the incident (for whatever reason) and pretended he had but to go to such lengths i.e. get "someone" to impersonate a police officer is extreme.

At worst he has behaved inappropriately and has reason to believe that this is going to make it's way back to you and hence covering his arse with this fantastic tale in advance.

More plausible explanations could be.

It happened like he said, she was a prostitute and he agreed to have sex with her not realising he'd be expected to pay - didn't pay & got slapped worried she may try to exact some revenge/track him down.

He got caught by the police having sex in his car with OW/Prostitute or believes it may have been caught on CCTV

He was caught/seen by someone you know in a car with a woman or having a row with a woman.

He offered a woman a lift home, made a pass (or worse) which was rejected, he was slapped and he fears she'll look you up and tell you.

You need to get savvy, allow him to believe you are content with his version of events, go/ring the police station and ask for the officer you spoke to yesterday, check phone records for the night of the police call, get hold of his mobile if you can and check call logs, did he call anyone straight after your text?

So sorry OP what a nightmare.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 16:12:17

Cherry I understand why you're terrified of going into the police station. But I assure you, if you do what I suggest you won't be brushed off or treated unkindly. When you go to the front counter, ask to speak to a woman officer on her own. You have no need to disclose what it is about. Think rationally about why many women might want to do that. The staff are trained to understand that. The chances are there will be someone available there and then, but if there's not, they might offer to send an officer to your own home at a time that's convenient to you.

I don't want to malign male police officers, because many would be completely understanding of your plight and would want to answer your questions honestly. However I'm going to be realistic here and tell you that there will be some who will over-identify with your husband's circumstances, on the basis of 'There but for the grace of god go I' and without compromising their ethics too much, might offer false reassurance.

I think if you were sitting down with a woman officer, she will want to help you. She might identify more with your circumstances.

Alternatively, yes you could just go in and ask to speak to the 'female officer' who used your husband's phone yesterday. But as it was on his phone, there will be no trace of that. What there should be a trace of is some paperwork.

As is often the case on a thread, I'm getting a bigger picture about your life. It sounds as though your husband often fails to tell you about social events and that you don't get to go out much on your own or as a couple. I'm interested in why you wouldn't want to attend these events yourself? Is it because it's mainly all lads together attending? Is it because you've outgrown their behaviour? Or that you don't think your husband or the others want you there?

Your husband has made you promise to close the discussion because he knows he's lying and realises you know he's lying too. That's a very controlling thing to do - unilaterally making a discussion closed.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 16:14:34

I think that's a very good suggestion, to ask to speak to a female officer on her own.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Wed 03-Oct-12 16:19:09

I know this is not what everyone else is saying but:

Does the op really need to put herself through going to the police station, digging around for 'proof'?
Is there a point?

It sounds as if she is very stressed and upset.

The man has lied. If she goes to the police station I can gaurentee that her partner will come up with yet another lie 'no you went to the wrong one' , 'I gave a different name', 'you spoke to the wrong person love, you are paranoid'

And this all starts again with the poor op just doubting herself and going slowly mad. The whole situation getting more complicated.

He has lied. cherry you really do not need a sworn statement from the police to prove that to him. He knows he has lied and the more lies he tells the deeper this is getting.

I know it's all scary but I really think you should screw up your courage and say very clearly 'I know you are not telling the truth. You need to tell me what really happened so we can talk about it'

As long as that would be a safe thing to do.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:24:05

Greeneyed, I have checked his phone. No text messages or calls there.

I feel so stupid. I'm so grateful for you all, and all your suggestions, makes me feel kind of proud that I started the thread at all as it's not something I would normally do.

Wish this nightmare was over. Or not happening at all.

I never for a second believed I would be in this situation and doubting my dh. We've been so happy.

On the Friday night that he was out, he rung me at about 11:30 before I went to bed. He told me he loved me etc. Never mentioned he was about to leave or I would have stayed up and waited for him but as it got towards 1am I had to crash.
He woke me up when he came in although I don't remember it much as I was very sleepy. He mentioned police vaguely, but I can't remember what he said. It was while he was taking him friends home I remember that much. At the time it didn't matter as I was blissfully unaware of anything.
But this was mere matter of hours since IT happened, it would have been very fresh in his mind. And he just crawled into bed and slept? It's enough to make me sick.

He went into work on Saturday, just for a few hours, this isn't unusual either as he often has thing to catch up on.

I am doubting everything now!! Did he go to work? I don't know what to think.

He text me Friday night at 1:20am asking if I was ok. I replied saying yes but I was in bed and I hoped he was enjoying himself. He replied "yeah, just with friend"
I then got another text at 1:46 saying "You have no idea how much I love you" I was zonked by this time so I didn't get it.

I questioned dh on this afterwards and he said he text me (instead of ringing to tell me what happened) to see if I was still awake. But he woke me when he came in so why not just tell me then?

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 16:26:32

That's a very valid suggestion Orange.

I guess it depends on how much 'proof' OP feels she needs.

But you're right that on the facts of it, she's got more than enough evidence to say to him 'you're lying through your teeth'.

Maybe she'd feel she has a stronger case if she can actually say 'I've been to the police station and they categorically say that NO ONE there had a conversation with me yesterday.'

Yeah, she doesn't have to put herself through the police station ordeal if she doesn't want to. But she does have to address this at some point with her H. Because he is lying. And he obviously thinks she's stupid and will listen to any old crap as long as he spins it right.

Checking his story out with the police means there's a third party arbitrator IYSWIM?

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:26:57

Sorry I x=posted with lots, will backread now.

greeneyed Wed 03-Oct-12 16:28:06

You make a good point Orange, The OP may not get the answers she wants from the police station and no record of the conversation could just be explained away by H as well it wasn't official, she never made a note of it etc etc..... I'd still be inclined to do more digging before confronting him as I believe he could still persuade OP he was telling the truth in the absence of any firm evidence to the contrary I would still ask to speak to the WPC I spoke to yesterday about my husbands assault on the basis of clarifying information, getting a crime number whatever, and I would still check his phone.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 16:28:26

Weird OP. Why would he send you text messages like that around the exact time, or straight after he'd supposedly just been propositioned and attacked by a woman in his car?

Yet another thing that doesn't add up.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 16:30:02

It sounds very fishy that he mentioned police when he got in. That doesn't fit with the rest of his story at all.

This is sounding more like he's been up to something very wrong indeed sad

I would tread very carefully, don't let him know you think anything is up.

Do you know how to delete your browser history so he doesn't come across this thread?

I am also concerned that you so desperately cling on to the idea of your perfect marriage because you dont want to prove others "right".

Did they warn you not to marry him?

It does not sound a very happy life! Him going out a lot on his own. You not knowing his friends. You either staying in alone, or working at his mums.
Him going out, coming home really late because "i drove my friends home".

To be honest, it must be very easy for him to spin you yarn after yarn about spending evening after evening sober, and then driving all his friends home, one by one, across various neighborhoods. because you dont know his friends, you dont ever get to know if this is true. All the time.

The question is, WHY did he come up with such a weird unbelievable story THIS time. WHY is he terrified of you talking to the police, or you even hearing what the police has to say, that he has now fabricated no less than TWO "conversations" with the police, on the phone, where you have no idea if there really is a police officer on the other end of the line!

What happened THIS time, on his evening out without you? What makes THIS time different?

I think you need to wake up and smell this particular coffee. sad sorry

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 16:31:11

If he mentioned the police when he came in, then that lends more weight to there being an allegation of criminal activity made on the night. That could be a woman making an allegation of sexual assault, kerb crawling or failing to pay a woman for services rendered.

The 'I love You' texts are motivated by guilt, fear and covering up.

He didn't tell you when he came in because he was playing for time, waiting to see whether whatever he'd done would come out, and he needed time to get his story straight.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 16:33:10

I think going to the police station is a very good idea.

Someone has spoken to the OP saying she was a WPC. The police have been brought into it already.

I think they may be able to offer some good advice. She could ask them what they would do if someone reported an attack like her husband says he did - would they give a crime number for example.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Wed 03-Oct-12 16:33:27

Yes I do see what you meanmadonna And it makes sense smile

Just going from cherrys posts I am not sure that any sort of proof would be enough.
He just comes up with more stuff to make her doubt herself sad

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:34:24

Quintessential - I'm just so scared that you're right sad

He doesn't go out a lot, once every couple of months that's all. We go out as a family quite often for meals but nobody can really babysit for 3 children for one reason or another so we don't get much time to go out on or own.

My mum lives 3 hours away, she has been here today as it's my Aunt's birthday. She used to be the one that watched our children for us on the rare occasion we wanted to go out.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Oct-12 16:35:05

The more you post about what happened and about your life, the more revealing it is.

The late night texts on the Friday sounds like he has a guilty conscience sad

Your life sounds very limited - you don't have many friends, you both don't socialise together and he seems to be able to come and go very easily (i.e from work and also in the evenings) so he has plenty of opportunities to get up to no good.

greeneyed Wed 03-Oct-12 16:35:25

sorry x posted see you have checked the phone - I'm afraid the texts make him sound more suss, like he's checking whether you've heard anything and declaring his love for you - weird. I really don't want to upset you further OP I'm not sure my theories are helpful!

Oh love sad

Just try to act normal and not clonk him over the head with a frying pan tonight.

My own DP sent me a message while i was babysitting for my Dsis and i later worked out that it was five mins after he got home from having sex in his van with OW, and he was happily asleep when i got home. Another time he sprang a surprise birthday party of a friend on me knowing full well i couldn't go, and had arranged to see OW on the way home. Oh and then i had my DS and there was the messages saying he would come and give her a good seeing to on the way home from work, five mins down the road from me, she refused but i expect he would have had sex with her then come home, breeze through the house, kiss DS and me, then go and have a shower. These men have no guilt.

be careful, when or if you have evidence and i mean flat out proof, about confronting him. My DP had never been violent towards me, ever, but when i confronted him, he kicked ten bells out of me.

Chat on here, get love and calming support from all the ladies on here, trust me, they are.. I got lots of support and even after i left mn i was getting emails asking how i was ect..

I've recently come back and not one has judged me for my decisions, but i honestly feel had i stayed i would have packed his bags and let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.

Don't doubt yourself. You are strong you may not feel like it, but you are.
You haven't swallowed his story whether true or not and thats the easy way out. You deserve better than having this doubt.

He is a naughty man one way or the other because even if it was true (his story) he would listen and support you rather than ban you from talking about it.

((HUGS)) big strong bloody ((HUGS)) sod if its unmumsnetty. You do what you need to do to make sure he isn't making a mug of you love x

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 16:39:25

Personally, if i had the chance of a little bit of concrete evidence that my DH was lying to me, ie he saying he talked to police and them telling me he hadn't, then i would want to use it when i confronted him.

If you're wobbly about his guilt/innocence you could start your confrontation all sure of yourself - but end up getting talked down. I can see it happening to me.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:39:40

aufaniae - I hadn't thought to delete my browser history, will do that now - thanks!

You know Cherry, I have only ever texted my undying love for my husband once.

I was sitting on a very lofty mountain, it was very steep, and I was very scared, thinking I would fall to my death and never see him again.

I am sure something happened that night. And it involves a woman. She may have punched him, but quite possibly not because he refused her...

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 16:42:46

Probably a good idea to make sure you log out of mumsnet too, when you leave the computer.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 16:43:49

Just wanted to say i xposted with things. I agree, be careful OP.

My ex was the mildest mannered man in the world. But as we were splitting up he turned on me.

fiventhree Wed 03-Oct-12 16:46:39

Cherry, delurking to say that I have been following the thread, and I didnt see any previous reference to him mentioning the police when he got home that night, whilst you were half asleep?

If he did, then he was stopped by them on the night. Which he did not mention to you before, I think?

As someone who has also had to play disbelieving detective re lying husband, I really feel for you. It is almost impossible to believe it when your usually seeming honest dh is unfaithful, and you finally find out they are lying and have been for some time.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:48:20

I will, deleting my browser history would probably log me out anyway I think but I'll log out anyway.

I've got to go and cook tea now, I'll be honest and admit I haven't read too much as the kids are back and it's not easy with them. They have a habit of reading over my shoulder - thank MN for abbreviations!!

I promise I will read more, post more when I know more but it will likely be tomorrow now when dh is at work. Before I go to the station.

Thank you SO much, all of you. For really opening my eyes. I hadn't realised quite how closed they were.

ThingsthatmakeyougoHmmmm - sad God I'm so sorry!! Big huge ((hugs)) right back at you!! You poor thing, I hope you're ok xx

GROOVEYCHICK Wed 03-Oct-12 16:48:46

oh poor cherry its awfull not knowing x
do you think that he could of got a punch from the ow .dh if the had been caught ?
thats if there is someone else x..

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:51:03

The texts on Friday night/early Saturday morning are potentially huge red flags.
Does he normally send gushy texts like that when he's out with his mates at that time of the morning? Bearing in mind he's sober at the time?
If he does, then it's nothing to be concerned about, but if that's unusual behaviour for him then it's a massive red flag. Esp 'you have no idea how much I love you'. That sounds like guilt talking to me.

aufaniae Wed 03-Oct-12 16:51:57

We're all behind you Cherry.

Wishing you lots of luck and strength for tonight and tomorrow.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:53:55

fiventhree - I hadn't mentioned it before, but he told me when he came in Friday night/Saturday morning, I'm sure he said it had something to do with beer (he sometimes has a Bulmers/Kopperberg when he goes out, but not often) but I honestly couldn't swear to it - I wasn't paying attention. I was so sleepy that I barely even listened to what he was saying.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:55:26

Ssshh - he does often send gushy stuff like that but my concern is he sent so close to the time everything happened. And he called me literally 15 minutes before he left (for the first time). Surely he would've mentioned it?

fiventhree Wed 03-Oct-12 16:56:52

Things:

"My DP had never been violent towards me, ever, but when i confronted him, he kicked ten bells out of me."

That is repellent,and i hope you called the police.

Mine tried the lot, over a few weeks..eg there was only ever me, swore on the kids lives, accused me of going a bit mad, accused me of inventing it as I currently had no paid work to occupy me, accused the eldest daughter of inventing one element of clue as 'she liked a drama', raved about men who cheat and how he could never be one, started innocently at me, holding my hand and said he would never lie about such a thing and if there were anything to tell, now would be the time to confess, but honestly there wasnt , etc etc etc.

Have since noticed on mn that women with really good evidence often give up before these sneaks do.

Cheery- might be worth checking the money situation eg did he pay for anything that night?

My suspicion is that he was caught by the police with a prostitute, or that he was with a woman who 'changed her mind'.

fiventhree Wed 03-Oct-12 16:59:37

Cherry, it seems to me that it is a significant fact that the police were involved on that friday night, and that he then told you that story saturday.

I think he is trying to head off a story which he thinks will come to you from some other source eg the police themselves.

I should make sure you get the post before him for a while, and contact the police too.

Do you think he could have been done for drink driving? And he has concocted a story like this?

Cherry, take care of yourself tonight. Nice bath?

You are doing great.

janey1234 Wed 03-Oct-12 17:18:38

Cherry - just wanted to say keep strong. This must be horrible for you. I have to say I was suspicious as soon as I saw your post, but you so vehemently defended him even I began to wonder if there could be an explanation. I hate your 'DH' for lying to someone who is obviously so loving and trusting, and who was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until the 'evidence' against him was overwhelming. He doesn't deserve your trust and his betrayal in his lying has made me angry

I have no idea what the truth is, but I think it's safe to say you haven't been told it.

You're clearly a good, strong person and you will get through this, and remember you have lots of 'friends' here should you need them. Just be safe and think of yourself and your DC. thanks

fuzzpig Wed 03-Oct-12 17:26:37

I'm so sorry cherry. I read the first part of this with an open mind - I do believe that it could've happened. But as so many have said the police/CCTV thing really can't be true.

Stay strong. x

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 17:43:21

Thank you everyone, I think MN really comes into it's own in situations like this. I really appreciate the virtual handholding.

I'm on the iPhone MN app at the minute so no worry about dh searching the web history for this.

He'll be home in about 20 mins.
What do I do if he wants to talk about things tonight? Just nonchalantly accept what he's telling me? I don't want to slip up and blab about the secret station visit tomorrow. It'd be just like me to do something like that! x

AgathaFusty Wed 03-Oct-12 17:47:30

What a horrible situation you're in. I hope you get some answers at the station tomorrow.

You've had some great advice from some knowledgeable posters - MN is so good for that.

I think keep it as low key as possible tonight. Act like you believe him completely. Let him talk if he wants to though - he might just blab out something himself, in his nervousness.

madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 17:49:40

I agree, keep it low key. Don't get into the details too much. Maybe you could ask him something like "what would you think if you were me?".

But otherwise keep schtum for now. Every time he thinks you're on to something, he goes out of his way to sabotage your line of enquiry. So don't give him that opportunity.

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 17:49:53

If he wants to talk (very unlikely) then just listen. You might ask him some questions about the CCTV footage that he saw alongside the 'police officer' i.e. what the camera looked like, where these (non-existent) cameras are kept in the police station, or more detailed questions about the female officer and the notes she made. Don't offer an opinion or make any judgement though. If he asks if you believe him, if you don't want to lie just say you need to think about it a bit more. Personally, unless he's going to confess all, I would deter any conversation about this at all.

Hope to hear from you tomorrow and good luck tonight.

Xales Wed 03-Oct-12 17:50:32

Let him talk. If you can don't talk to him. Don't try to talk to fill awkward silences.

People tend to get nervous and fill the gaps.

Or you could just go with we both know that is not true tell the truth. Don't say how you know it is not true. Don't get drawn into any debates about anything being 'your' fault.

Just keep turning it back to him.

Good luck sad

Inertia Wed 03-Oct-12 17:51:47

If he wants to talk- listen. He's the one with explaining to do. Just give the vaguest acknowledgements in response to what he says- and if he asks for your opinion, say that it's a lot to take in and you're still trying to process it all.

The more he says , and the more space you give him to talk, the more likely he is to trip himself up on any lies.

CherryPie3 Wed 03-Oct-12 17:55:26

Thanks, I'm happy to just listen to him for now. I'll be listening carefully.

He probably won't want to since he's the one who made me promise not to bring it up.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 18:28:16

Exactly cherry, hang in there smile

Don't worry about me hun i'm 3 nearly 4 years on from that point but i'm hoping we all can support you so you don't end up feeling like you're going bananas.

Five.. i most certainly did call the police. Unfortunately SS and meetings with them followed .. DP got anger management course

He will get mentionitis next then he will trip up

Merrin Wed 03-Oct-12 18:36:30

Good luck tomorrow Cherry.

Shh2012 Wed 03-Oct-12 21:48:18

Cherry, ok no red flags re his texts to you if he's often gushy like that. Just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow. I hope tonight was ok.

Middy86 Wed 03-Oct-12 22:46:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dysfunctionalme Wed 03-Oct-12 22:55:53

Oh Cherry this is horrible. All the best for today x

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 07:47:24

Good morning, have shipped dh off to work with a coffee in hand and a kiss on the cheek.

He has no idea where I'm going today, although he did suggest yesterday that I go into town to the bank, so he gave me an alternate reason for being in town.

Surprisingly my dh did want to briefly talk about it all last night, well, the police station bit. He reminded me that he would do anything for me and if I hadn't pressed him he wouldn't have reported it, but I'm worth it blah blah. I smiled and agreed saying it was nice of the lady officer to come on the phone to reassure me. He was cool as a cucumber and never gave anything away, if there was something, (yes I know there probably was). He said he had been at the police station some time before he text me, I had assumed he text me as he arrived. Apparently he was waiting a while before he was seen and quickly text me while the lady was looking at the computer. I don't know exactly how long he was there but I know I text him at 8:15 yesterday and at 9:18 he text me saying he was there, obviously I now know he'd <apparently> been there a while. It takes him about 5-10 mins to drive there from where he works.

Conversation was closed with "Please promise me we can both just forget this now, I don't want to keep being reminded of it." Well I don't want to be continually bothered by it either, so I told him there will be times where I need to talk about it, I told him I need time to really process what's happened - he seemed fine with this.

I did notice he had shift eyes last night, but I'm taking so much more notice now that I'm not sure if he did this before, it's something I'm aware I do myself without knowing it at the time. I have difficulty keeping eye contact with anyone.

Absolutely bricking it for going to the station. It's been made worse by my friend texting me saying she thinks her dh is having an affair - all happens at once!! So I'm trying to comfort her without adding to her stress about my situation, she has enough to deal with as he's done it before to her. sad

Right, I'd best get the kids ready smile thanks xx

aufaniae Thu 04-Oct-12 07:53:26

Good luck today Cherry, we're all right behind you smile

I think you might well need RL support after.

Do you have any idea now what you'll do once you know for sure?

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 08:01:15

Thank you Aufaniae smile
Depending on the outcome of my little police visit I will call on friend and we can comfort eachother. She certainly needs it. I'm desperately hoping for good news from the station, I suppose that's obvious though.

Just to add to the police station timings.... I text him at 8:15, he then text me at 9:18. He then called me when he was out at about 9:50 - I have accidentally deleted my call list which is infuriating but never mind.

Once all this is over, and I know the truth, I will confront dh. From there I'd like to have a proper discussion with him about it. We can take it from there, if he looks remorseful, apologises etc - he will get another chance. I cannot imagine my life without him, he's always been there for me. He was my best friend before we became a couple.
I think I remember someone asking if I was warned away from him, well it was quite the opposite - everyone telling me we were perfect for eachother and he's a keeper etc. They just wanted us to wait before we married. He was only 18, I was 20 when we got married so I can see their point, plus we already had a 6m old baby.

Shh2012 Thu 04-Oct-12 08:11:11

Another thing to ask while you're at the police station is about the process for them viewing the town's cctv footage. They'll explain that they have to apply to view it, the police are subject to the Data Protection Act just like the rest of us and they can't just flick a switch on their own computer at the front desk to watch cctv belonging to the local council. They also have to have a good strong reason which AFAIK means an actual ongoing investigation.
Anyway if you get the facts from them it will help to put your mind at rest one way or the other. Or you can even google your local council and cctv and they will have right there on their website their guidelines for access to footage.

I understand that you want to be able to forgive DH for this but to fully forgive him you will need the TRUTH. Not just apologies and a remorseful expression. I know that feeling that you just want to put it behind you, but I promise you if you don't get the truth this will eat away at you for years to come.

Good luck today.

grobagsforever Thu 04-Oct-12 08:27:28

OP just read the whole thread. Agree with all, he is lying. Best of luck this morning, remember you deserve the truth.

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 08:40:12

Thank you everyone!!

Just dropped the kids off on the school bus, I'm on my way through to town now sad

So scared!!

aufaniae Thu 04-Oct-12 08:44:46

Good luck, stay strong smile

You're doing really well.

Remember to tell them about someone pretending to be a WPC if they say they can't talk to you about your DH.

Also to ask for a female officer if you think that will help (I would).

Shh2012 Thu 04-Oct-12 08:51:29

I've got tummy butterflies for you Cherry but I hope it gives you some answers. Good luck!

fiventhree Thu 04-Oct-12 08:51:52

Cherry, it will be fine.

Dont worry about it.

The worst thing is to not go, and to spend the rest of your life just wondering, when it crops up in your head from time to time.

My own h came home at least 15 years ago once furious that he had been stoped by the police for no reason, he said, on the way to get a burger late at night. Hr said they wondered if he was kerb crawling, then let him go. His olitics, and various other things at the time made me absolutely certain he was innocent.

However, after the OW line years, when I found out last year, I did begin to wonder about that earlier incident. I think best to check for yourself. If its innocent, you can then forget all about in in peace.

fiventhree Thu 04-Oct-12 08:52:44

online!

fluffyraggies Thu 04-Oct-12 09:15:54

Sending good vibes cherry smile Gather all the info you can while you're there.

TeeBee Thu 04-Oct-12 09:19:13

Virtual hand hold. Hope the police are kind to you. So sorry this is happenin

AgathaFusty Thu 04-Oct-12 09:21:55

Hope it goes ok. A list of questions to take in with you would be good (although I assume you are already there now) so that you don't forget to ask anything. CCTV viewing procedure, as Shh suggested would be a good one to ask.

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 09:22:51

I'm in town now. Sat in can wondering on earth I'm doing. Hating this.

I have cried the whole way here because I feel like I'm betraying my dh.

I've convinced myself that the police will think I'm wasting their time with my marital problems.

sad

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 09:23:04

*car

delilahlilah Thu 04-Oct-12 09:24:33

Good luck Cherry. Have just read your whole thread. It's a very difficult situation. You can get around any privacy issues by asking for the WPC who was manning the desk at X time on X date. Then, if there's more than one, you can ask which of them spoke to you, when your husband was at the station. Hope that helps.

aufaniae Thu 04-Oct-12 09:24:51

Cherry, he brought the police into it.

Stick to the bit which relates to you.

Tell them someone spoke to you on the phone and said they were a WPC, but you think they weren't, could you please check.

That's perfectly reasonable.

aufaniae Thu 04-Oct-12 09:25:55

You are not betraying your DH.

He has betrayed you, by concocting these stories and putting you in this position.

aufaniae Thu 04-Oct-12 09:26:49

Yes, I agree, a list could be a very good idea.

Why not write one quickly now - on your phone if you don't have a pen.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 04-Oct-12 09:29:49

Oh crikey cherry! I was all for believing him at the beginning but tbh the police bit does sound dodgy sad

I too wish you all the best. Good luck

greeneyed Thu 04-Oct-12 09:34:31

Cherry you poor thing - good luck whatvever you decide

Oh GOD I hope so much he is telling the truth. Good luck - stick with it and find out the TRUTH.

I feel so bad for you and I don't ven know you .

Merrin Thu 04-Oct-12 09:38:20

The police are there to help people. You need and deserve their help. Ask to speak to a female officer if you can.

fluffyraggies Thu 04-Oct-12 09:39:30

Cherry - as others have said - you need to tell them you spoke to a police woman yesterday.

This means the ball is in their court. They'll be interested either way.

If you DID speak to a police woman than it is your business and they'll have to talk to you.

If you DIDNT speak to a real police woman - they'll be even more interested.

Get this sorted one way or tuther.

Dorfdeb Thu 04-Oct-12 09:48:34

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Cherry, I hope you get some answers

fuzzpig Thu 04-Oct-12 09:52:54

Good luck cherry x

Orchidlady Thu 04-Oct-12 09:58:51

Cherry stay strong my love. You need to get to the bottom of this, if you do nothing you will always be wondering. Once you know the facts only then can you make a decision what to do.You are NOT betraying your DH., he has chosen to lie to you for what ever reason, I am keeping an open mind. You have received a lot of good advice here. Keep posting.

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:00:19

I'm almost at the station now. I'm dawdling because I need to get my head together.

I had forgotten it is directly opposite where dh and I got married sad

This is so hard.

I'm going to try and put a list together now. God I feel like such a shit.

Shh2012 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:02:18

Cherry dont feel bad. He has lied about something. I don't know what/why/the extent of the lies but I do know he's lied to you. He won't tell you the truth, but you have a right to know. Please don't feel bad.
Big un Mumsnetty hug from me

fluffyraggies Thu 04-Oct-12 10:03:31

You're not a shit.

If he wasnt lying he doesn't even need to know you've been there today.

If he was lying - you wont be feeling sorry for him any more.

((hugs))

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:10:10

Thank you thanks

I'm trying to remember things I need to ask. So far I've got:

1) Would you consider this particular incident worth reporting? Eg, would it be considered her word against his?

2) Would he be given a ref number?

3) Would you be able to see CCTV footage on your computer so quickly?

I'm very reluctant to mention me speaking to an officer as I don't want to get anyone in trouble. However, this will be my last card to play.

sad

I'm so nervous. I'm crying before I even get in there.

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:11:13

I wish I could take you all with me.

Orchidlady Thu 04-Oct-12 10:14:37

Cherry listen try and keep it casual, just go in and say "I had a call yesterday from someone and sorry I forgot their name but just wanted to ask a couple more questions" and take it from there.

janey1234 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:14:40

Fingers crossed for you cherry. At least hopefully you'll be able to get to the bottom of this one way or another. We're all behind you today. Good luck. We will all be with you in spirit, and here for you after. Thinking of you now - you're doing the right thing here, you need to know one way or another.x

apartridgeinapeartree Thu 04-Oct-12 10:15:24

I think you are being too nice.

Someone called you and had the bared-faced cheek to lie to you, stringing you along even though they must have heard that you were very upset.

Why on earth woud you not want to get them into trouble?

CherryPie3 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:17:34

At the station nw sadsadsad

BitOutOfPractice Thu 04-Oct-12 10:19:51

Good luck. Think of us all, right behind you, supporting you

Orchidlady Thu 04-Oct-12 10:19:59

OK, deep breathing and you know what Apartridge is right. Holding your hand now smile

apartridgeinapeartree Thu 04-Oct-12 10:23:21

Thinking of you, deep breaths!

Don't forget to ask for a female WPC if it makes it easier. Probably easier than blurting it all out at the desk anyway!

Xiaoxiong Thu 04-Oct-12 10:27:51

Lurked on this thread but wanted to post my support for you OP. I think you're amazing and brave. Good luck and I hope you get the answers you need. x

larrygrylls Thu 04-Oct-12 10:28:45

I don't get this thread at all. If one of you had given a young man a lift in your car and he had started masturbating, demanded sex and then slapped you when you refused, you would consider it sexual assault (and it is). This guy has been sexually assaulted and rather than advising his wife to support him, you have been demanding that she get him to jump through hoops to prove he is not lying.

What happened to the "I believe you" campaign? Does it not apply to men? I am actually surprised that MNHQ has allowed this whole thread to stand, which is, in effect, encouraging rape myths. He did not tell her immediately proves the assault never happened? No, it proves he was in shock and processing it. Ditto with the reporting to the police.

In this day and age, it is not that rare for women to aggressively come on to men. I have friends this has happened to.

OP, you could lose your marriage in doubting your husband instead of supporting him. He probably feels desperately shocked and now he is getting the third degree instead of support.

As helpful and supportive as ever... hmm

apartridgeinapeartree Thu 04-Oct-12 10:32:14

larrygrylls have you read the whole thread?

Many people did believe it at first. But the police story doesn't add up at all. It's simply not the way things are done.

The lack of a crime reference number for a start, and the looking at CCTV from the station. It stinks.

larrygrylls Thu 04-Oct-12 10:32:34

Badtaste,

That is supportive! I am supporting the OP in her original view, which was to BELIEVE her husband and support him. To ask her to doubt her husband's sexual assault is the absolute opposite of support.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 04-Oct-12 10:34:10

Larry I was one who initially believed him. But it's got fishier and fishier sad

larrygrylls Thu 04-Oct-12 10:34:26

Apartridge,

I am not an expert in police procedure, but even if the whole police station bit IS a fabrication based on him being in a panic about losing his marriage over having been sexually assaulted, so what?

Shh2012 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:36:40

larrygrylls - I oriiginally believed the story - although I did think there were one or two inconistencies. However he is lying to her about what transpired at the police station yesterday. If he ever went.
She needs to know the TRUTH about what happened which he is not telling her. If he doesn't tell her the truth she is going to have doubts for years. And the reason she has doubts is that he's lying about something in this story.

Xiaoxiong Thu 04-Oct-12 10:37:16

larry I must admit that I believed the OP's husband on the grounds that I know someone who something similar happened to, until he put someone on the phone who claimed that they were police and had reviewed the CCTV footage. For me at least, that was when it started sounding like he was probably lying or at least trying to cover something up.

If he really had been sexually assaulted, why would he fabricate? Why wouldn't he go to the police? And if that call was a fabrication based on a panic about losing his marriage, who was the woman he put on the phone pretending to be a policewoman and talking about reviewing the CCTV footage?

Orchidlady Thu 04-Oct-12 10:37:52

larry are you for real. cherry clearly loves her DH and does want to support him IF he was sexually assulted, but unfortunately he has been lying to her, not sure about what yet but he is lying, so she needs to put her mind at rest. Your post is not helpful, sorry!

fuzzpig Thu 04-Oct-12 10:39:09

I too think the original situation could have happened, it is possible for a drunk woman to be so sexually aggressive (similar happened to DH) and if it did, it is abhorrent and yes, it is sexual assault and should be taken seriously by police. If a police officer failed to take it seriously because of the gender reversal, it would be scandalous, and I hope that wouldn't happen.

It is the police station and CCTV thing that sounds made up due to the time frames of looking up tapes, the policewoman talking on the phone to a worried wife... and if what had happened was true I don't see why he would lie about the police issue.

However if OP finds out that the police visit really did happen, the tape was checked etc, then I'd be right back to believing him.