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My wife affair ? Or I need to stop being paranoid

(34 Posts)
Jamieaffair Sun 30-Sep-12 09:37:01

Hi there, happily married for over 10 yrs with 2 children. I have this gut feeling that my wife is or has had an affair with one of two people. I did mention it 3 or 4 yrs ago and she was defensive etc which I would expect as I would be the same. Now the daft tells smile
1) when he was talking to us about nice trip with his wife she wasn't,t smiling and laughing with the story but genuinely appeared angry/upset
2) came back with his phone number in her pocket when we 1st moved to the area allegedly for me ?
3) she has asked if he was there on trips to the local pub and not about anyone of the other 8 or 9 who visit the pub with me, this has happened on 4 or 5 occasions
4) once some flirty dancing aimed towards him at a party
5) she now likes a style of clothing he wears and wants me to purchase !!

Honest answers appreciated as it is eating me away and want to know the truth, advice as I work hard at making her happy but know someone whose wife left them for another man and he never suspected anything !

amillionyears Sun 30-Sep-12 09:43:28

She may just genuinely like him,or have a little crush,but wouldnt act on it.
Is he a family friend?
People do say follow your gut,I presume that it is the same advice for men.

LizLemon007 Sun 30-Sep-12 09:45:52

hhmmm, I don't know, I was reading the start of the list and planning to type 'are you the jealous type?' but by the time I'd finished reading the list, I don't know.......... I think she might well be attracted to him. But that is not the betrayal that having an affair is. Sometimes you can kind of lose your composure around somebody you're attracted to, without having any intention of taking it further.

Is there anything else? is her phone always bleeping, does she guard her phone carefully? has she been away from you for whole nights, with 'friends'??

I think you need a lot more before you start thinking 'affair'. Cos I'm reading this thinking 'crush'.

LizLemon007 Sun 30-Sep-12 09:48:06

ps, if this guy who told you about his nice holiday had had an affair with your wife, I think it's extremely unlikely that he'd stand there telling you about it. That doesn't mean she doesn't have a crush on him of course. Perhaps she was thinking, ffs, that lucky woman gets taken on a lovely holiday by mr wonderful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 10:04:01

If you don't trust your wife and it's eating away at you, tell her how you feel. You cannot 'work hard at making her happy'.... whatever you do or don't do only she can decide if she's happy or not. So be yourself rather than a doormat. Whether there's an affair or not, a relationship without trust and where both parties appear to be very unhappy is dead in the water.

Sounds to me like she has a crush on him. You sound very particular about her having cheated twice...
Perhaps you should tell her what you have told us. ou should be able to tell from her reaction if there is more to it...I hope you get some answers. Not knowing will eat away at you so you must approach her and discuss it.

Mayisout Sun 30-Sep-12 15:11:44

Well, does OM act lovingly towards his wife and does his wife cling desperately to his arm when your DW is around?

How easily could your DW see OM on his own, do they work near each other? Does you wife go on overnight trips away with work, does OM?

You could be sneaky, as it sounds as if you don't see that much of OM and his wife, and say something like OM and wife are planning a big celebration fo their wedding anniversary, or OM and wife apparently aren't getting on, or how about planning a holiday away with OM and wife - and see what her reaction is.

It sounds a bit one sided to me, your wife having a crush, but OM could be a good actor.

Jamieaffair Wed 03-Oct-12 05:13:49

Thanks for all the feedback, much appreciated.

Jamieaffair Wed 03-Oct-12 05:46:09

Answer to a few queries raised in your kind posts.
1) re the holiday with his wife, he didn,t raise the holiday thing at all, I asked how the amazing trip had gone so he had to tell us something and it is a place I have alwAys wanted to go so asked more Questions.
2) phone bleeps occasionally but very rarely at night when I am around.
3) I have told her how I feel previously and she was very defensive and would never do anything to split the relationship up etc and is happy although we went through a spell of no sex for about 4months earlier this yeAr? She basically isn't going to admit anything if anything has happened or if she has a crush on him so raising specifics etc in my eyes won't really assist.
4) dw and om live within a few hundred yards and he has a job where he has flexibility of hours and dw doesn't work but no overnighters. A few late nights with friends and one where she refused to get taxi,s and wanted to cycle ?, think that was the one she dived straight into the shower when getting home rather than getting a drink and having a chat like usual.
5) mayisout , like your idea, I have loosely tried this with a party and she didn,t really respond positively but again couldn't,t tell the reaction, she just asked why I was looking at her like that? smile, that could be a tell tale ? Will try the weekend away with them trick.
6) final one which is me putting 2 + 2 together and getting 31 is that I was out a couple of Saturdays ago and the wife and daughter had just seen OM on his bike when I returned, within a minute we had a call from a mobile which hung up when I answered. Now in mental world that means he cycled past my house and could see my car was out so was with my son and he took the opportunity to make a quick call. Funny thing is my wife didn,t want to answer the phone and passed it to me ?
7) finally I hope the crush thing is correct as I don't have an issue with that

Enjoy your day

crackcrackcrak Wed 03-Oct-12 06:13:13

4 and 6 are a bit odd! 4 especially! Do you know if she had seen him the night of 4? This is v wild speculation bit based on your last post it sounds a bit like something may have happened on perhaps one occasion which she regrets. Maybe she is sort of avoiding him now bit he wants to pursue/talk to her about it and she doesn't want to - the cycling past/phone call thing. Maybe he came in to her and she disnt know how to handle it or feels she can't tell you about it because it makes her sound guilty.
Ou have your posts to go on but doesn't sound like relationship is falling apart or deteriorating particularly. Her behaviour doesn't sound overly secretive either.
Maybe she has felt a big jealous of this other man - nice holiday - fashionable clothes?

LizLemon007 Wed 03-Oct-12 06:56:18

It sounds more like crush/awkwardness than affair. MAYBE she snogged him. But she's never away from you overnight. She passed the phone to you when she strongly suspected it would be him! So she's not complicit in any secret with him, ykwim. Getting you to answer the phone was sending a strong message to him "look buddy, back off, I'm married". She couldn't have sent a clearer message to him really. That says to me that she's avoiding him. Either he's chasing her or making her feel awkward, or she regrets being so open with him or giving him encouragement.

as another pp says, the relationship sounds ok otherwise. No sex for four months when you have two small children is not that bad! I had sex when I had two small children but only because my x was a controlling bully and I 'had' to. It's hard to feel sexual when you have two small children and you're about to turn to ashes. Sounds lke you got through that phase.

I would TRY to be a bit less suspicious for now. Honestly, if a woman had typed this I wouldn't say 'leave him!'. I'd say the same thing, that the relationship sounds ok, and there's not enough there to confront.

MummysHappyPills Wed 03-Oct-12 06:59:08

My instinct is she may have a bit of a crush on him but nothing more, may be wrong. Doesn't sound that reciprocated to me.

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 09:05:15

Like all of these things - trust your instincts.
Woman have no better instincts than men - the diving in the shower thing sounds rather sus...

Never away overnight?
Yes, right. Loads of women whose DPs have had an affair know how that goes.

You say she doesn't work?
So she's SAHM? Do you own your own house, or is it rented?
How does the childcare work?

I'd be checking your legal position too. Maintenance Calculator for reference.

delilahlilah Wed 03-Oct-12 09:17:31

I'm not sure about the cycling thing, diving in shower after cycling sounds sensible!
I think you need to take your time over this one, as if there isn't anything going on, you are risking pushing her away with suspicion iyswim.

How about putting him aside, and looking just at your relationship and what you want to improve. Get a babysitter, take her out. Maybe she needs an ego boost from you. It's easy to become a bit complacent in a ltr. I know we do on occasion blush I would focus on what you do have, and go from there.

fluffyraggies Wed 03-Oct-12 09:47:23

How are his reactions to her when you're all together OP? After your first post i thought - crush. She has a crush on him.

Has she started going out more lately?

Jumping in the shower after getting home would be sus - except for the fact that she had been cycling! Which negates that really. Does she often go out cycling at night though? Is this new, or a one off?

Passing the phone to you when she knew it was him? Obviously she wanted to show him you were home, and/or didn't want to speak to him. Not a good sign in my eyes at all. This is the thing in your post which made my spidey senses bristle.

Perhaps she was indeed trying to get him to back off, or perhaps it was a way of telling him 'not now, he's home'. OR if she does have feelings for him perhaps she was uncomfortable speaking to him with anyone else about?

If you were a woman posting here i recon in the main the advice would be to snoop a bit, and bide your time.

Personally i couldn't do that. But i'm a drama queen and would be unable to keep it in.

Good luck with this smile

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 09:57:32

delilahlilah Wed 03-Oct-12 09:17:31
and looking just at your relationship and what you want to improve. Get a babysitter, take her out. Maybe she needs an ego boost from you.

... wondering if that would be the advice if a woman was suspecting her DP was having an affair...

crackcrackcrak Wed 03-Oct-12 15:27:32

Onemorechap - do you have to axe grind on these threads? Why?

OneMoreChap Wed 03-Oct-12 15:32:34

crackcrackcrak Wed 03-Oct-12 15:27:32
Onemorechap - do you have to axe grind on these threads?

No, I'm interested in human interaction, particularly - in common with many of the other posters here - from the perspective of someone who has had flawed/difficult relationships in the past.

Through some time here, and in FWR, I've realised I was exposed to DV over a prolonged period, which I found quite difficult, although I am now coming to terms with it.

Dishonesty in Relationships is by no means confined to the male side, and it's fair to share that perspective.

Why?
I didn't know it was compulsory; do you have an axe to grind?

Mayisout Wed 03-Oct-12 15:48:36

The fact that you say that the OM's work is flexible and your DW is a SAHM suggests that you know they could meet during the day. Is OW's wife a SAHM?

You could leave something ? a leaf on her bike to see if it has been used and see if it tallies with what she says. Is there a back entrance to your house, can't imagine OM parking his bike at your front door. You can get movement sensor cameras and leave it out of sight in the garden somewhere to see who comes and goes (though maybe not if she is the gardener).

dondon33 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:40:44

Hi Jamie,
At first I was inclined to think "crush" but there's a few things that sound a bit iffy.

The jumping into the shower immediately - granted, she'd of been sweaty from a bike ride but you said usually she'd sit first for a drink and a chat.

Are you all cycling fans (inc om's family) something spikes my senses with her having a late night with friend's and wanting to cycle home (does she do this often?) then you saying that Om cycles too - of course this could be completely irrelevant and innocent.

The phone call- if it was him the fact that your wife handed you the phone to speak coupled with the fact she was angry/upset when he spoke about his family holiday- doesn't sound like normal behaviour.

There doesn't appear to be any definite ticks in the box that she's cheating but that doesn't mean in your position, that I would forget all about it.

Trust your instincts. Be sneaky if necessary to try and find proof, check mobile, mobile statements, Emails. Many people don't agree with this for the invasion of privacy, but if you're driving yourself crazy over this, then imo it's better to try and put it to bed asap. If you find something - then you'll know for sure. If you don't then it's your choice on what to do next - Forget it and work on your relationship or try and speak to her again.
Good luck x

delilahlilah Wed 03-Oct-12 19:40:39

onemorechap - yes it would be the same advice. Whatever your sex you need to start with the things closest to home. There must be issues for him to be suspicious, and issues for her to be giving him signals.
There is nothing concrete there, so suggesting attempting relationship improvements if he wishes to stay married seems like common sense to me....

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 03-Oct-12 20:36:29

I'm going to go with the standard response.

Trust your gut and snoop like fuck.

Jamieaffair Mon 08-Oct-12 03:29:37

Thanks again for the advice, a few more nights out with the wife is needed and a few bits of snooping will hopefully prove one way or the other over time.How much are private detectives smile

Jamieaffair Mon 15-Oct-12 23:33:24

hello again, well not snooping as yet but out of the blue I get a text message from an old work friend saying he just saw my wife in the car near a certain area and hows things. Thought nothing of it so just asked what she had been upto that day on the phone and said just went to bank and picked up some bits in the village. Ok thought I wont push whilst on the phone as you don't see the reaction but going into the nearest big town is usually something I would mention ! Anyway asked again when I got back and same answer but she obviously sensed I was prying so then said oh, I went to get petrol from a supermarket in said town but looked really uncomfortable and did a big swallow when answering. She knew I stilll wasn't happy with the answer and said , what why, what are you getting at which is when I said that someone I knew had seen her earlier that day. She thought for a good few minutes, started to laugh and then said oh I went to the shops there to get some bits for our daughters birthday. SO why be so secretive ?? Or is she just feeling guilty about going shopping ?? I then said about whats eating me away etc with possible affair which she completley denied (I would expect that) , she said that suspicious partners usually have something to hide themselves and have i got anything to tell her (which I haven't as I have never been unfaithful) and that she felt as though she would need to warrant where she had been all the time. That is not what I want at all so have not got any answers , put something out in the open that clearly isn't productive for either of us, my suspicions still remain so now she seems to be more caring towards me and making loads of effort, which adds to my suspicisons when really it should probably mean she doesn't want me to feel insecure etc ? CONFUSED sad

Yogagirl17 Mon 15-Oct-12 23:37:26

Doesn't sound good, especially the counter-accusations/trying to turn the tables on you...sorry.

BessieMcBean Mon 15-Oct-12 23:41:41

out of the blue I get a text message from an old work friend saying he just saw my wife in the car near a certain area and hows things

Tha's the suspicious bit. I mean do you usually get txts at regular intervals through the day when aquaintances spot your wife/mother/dcs in and around the area?

Was the old work friend texting you anyway and happened to spot your wife. If not I would quiz old work friend to ask if she was alone.

Def seems suspect. You could check the mileage on the car regularly but if you keep asking where she has been she will be suspect.

The retort about have you got anything to tell her sounds a bit pre rehearsed to me.

Doha Mon 15-Oct-12 23:47:01

agree with Yoga
She is delecting the question. Red flags here.
What she is doing l don't know but doesn't sound innocent.
Could your friend have seen her with someone hence the text. Do you know this person well enough to ask if your wie was alone in said car park?

straighttohellymelly Mon 15-Oct-12 23:47:50

Hmm, well the not telling you where she had been is odd, and would really worry me if it was my DH. The only thing that would negate that would be if you tend to question her a lot about her activities, maybe she feels paranoid that you will jump to the wrong conclusion? What did you feel when you asked her and she denied it? I think you have enough alarm bells to keep snooping, but not enough to say that something is definitely going on. I hope it isn't btw.
Could you do what is usually advised here, e.g check her 'phone, or her email?
I hate snoopy behaviour and have never done that with my DH but I suppose if I strongly suspected something I might.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 15-Oct-12 23:53:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dondon33 Tue 16-Oct-12 14:09:57

Meet up with your friend and ask him outright if she was with someone else.
I find it strange that he would just call to say he'd seen your wife.....it's possible he wants to alert you to something.

Her trying to turn the accusation back onto you = red flag I'm afraid.

AgathaFusty Tue 16-Oct-12 14:42:44

I think your work friend was trying to warn you too. Call him and ask outright. You will only worry about it until you do.

blueshoes Tue 16-Oct-12 15:09:34

Jamieaffair: "hello again, well not snooping as yet but out of the blue I get a text message from an old work friend saying he just saw my wife in the car near a certain area and hows things."

Seems a bit strange 1. to get a text out of the blue 2. immediately or very close to the time your friend saw your wife in a car (if this was your wife jogging of your friend's memory because long time no see, what is the urgency to text right away) 3. giving the location of your wife (why is this necessary?) and 4. asking 'how's things' ...

Seems like your friends knows more than he is letting on. He might have answers...

Jamieaffair Thu 18-Oct-12 00:44:44

Hi again, the friend just texted to see how I was doing as seeing my wife had reminded him of me and to get in touch as we only meet up every year or so for a beer and as he doesn't have kids we don't cross paths very often. Very worried about the turning it on me trick , have asked who the wife was with but she was on her own heading towards the said shopping area in her car confirmed by my friend that is. Without catching her in the act if anything is going on I am snookered as email is a no go as we have a shared server thing and texts I did have a quick look but again she wouldn't be daft enough to leave them on etc. if anything is going on she is going to be super careful now I have raised the questions, but its still eating away at me , really not in a great place sad hey ho.

dondon33 Thu 18-Oct-12 08:04:28

Sorry Jamie confused
It's obviously up to you whether to stay, with doubts, or leave due to lack of trust.
You're right, now she knows your instincts are alerted IF anything is going on, she'll now be careful. Don't try to extinguish your fears but at the same time don't allow them to eat away at you, keep your ears and eyes open, cheaters trip over their own lies eventually.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for you. x

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