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My Experience With SS :/

(108 Posts)

Well thats just it. I could write a fucking novel on every shitty thing that could possibly happen, because with the exception of losing a parent or child to death, i've 'bin there done that' ..

Some people on here will see me posting with opinions on the Social Services (Childrens' Services) and will know i'm not the happiest with them.

This is my story, my explaination. Never written it in full before, so it may be a drip feed as things come back, a lot of it shut away for my own sanity..

It also saves me hijacking other peeps threads, lol.

I was 4 when my parents split up. My DF had cheated with my DM's best friend. That was disgustingly traumatic, added to which i and my Dsis got dragged through courtrooms and family mediation, seeing my mum cry was dreadful..the most frightening thing i remember as a child.

DM had always been physically abusive towards us (found out later this is why my DF fought for custody so hard) however, at the time, i remember hating him for leaving, and making mum cry.

My mum got with an abusive man, who i now know she had been hovering on the verge of cheating on my DF with anyway.

SD beat mum regularly, usually over our 'behaviour', or her treating us better than the 2 DS's they subsequently had. We all got treated the same from what i remember.

I rarely saw my DF, SM was jealous of us, and they had a disabled LO together followed shortly afterwards by Ssis and Sb, when we did see DF, SM always said we had behaved badly while he wasn't there, i overheard her saying we couldn't come to stay any more because we had been a lot of trouble, and that my Dsis had hit SDsis, who had cerebral palsy. This was completely untrue, and when DF asked, i said so. I think he chose the quiet life option after that and began to see us less regularly.

I always felt both mum and DF in their own way blamed me for outing DF's affair.
Oh well hmm

We regularly did the sitting in the window thing, asking DM what time was DF coming, what colour was his car so we could see it, often ending up disappointed. I feel for my DM now having to deal with two distraught kids.
One time DF actually bothered to turn up, he took us to a party at a friends' home. I distinctly remember him sitting with SM's DD from a previous relationship on his lap, or standing holding her on his hip, she looked upset and uncomfortable. whenever she got off his lap, it wasn't long until he scooped her up again. We all stayed overnight at this friend of my fathers'.
Later that night, i got up to go to the loo, i was aged about 7. I remember i couldn't find the light pull so went to the loo in the dark. Being a strange house, i worried about finding my way back to the room.

When someone came in the room, and quietly got into the bed with me, i was absolutely petrified. He went on to masturbate on me. I thought he had wee'd on me sad he told me.. 'If you tell your dad, i will make sure he never wants to see you ever again'
Well, been as i rarely saw my dad, this concerned me greatly. So i kept quiet. I guessed it wasn't as if he'd hurt me? .. So not a problem, really. Anyway, DF did his usual not visiting trick after that, so i assumed he had been told and thought i was disgusting and not worth bothering with.

I didn't tell DM, i believed she would tell SF and that would cause more rows, leading to her being hit more.

She eventually left him, and we moved to be closer to DM's parents and DF's parents weren't that far away either.
The only constant in my life had been DG and DSG on my dads' side, and my DAunt. If it wasn't for them we wouldn't have had holidays or a lot of toys. Indeed when DM left SD, it was to their home we went until a place in a refuge was found. DF did turn up there a few times hoping to reconcile with DM, i heard them discussing it. She wasn't interested.

Didn't see DF then much really, up until i was about 15 and he split with SM after finding out she'd been cheating while he was at work. Without SM and her constraints on him seeing us, and his sudden need for babysitters, it appeared we were welcome to go to his house again.
DM supported him through the split. I wasn't aware but at some point he struggled so much with being a lone parent to three DC's and also working, he had to put SDsis into respite care and the other 2 went into foster care with a friend of his.
He then moved into a house given to him to use by his work, having to sell the family home which had been specially adapted. SDsis had to stay in care, but the others, being older and able to walk to and from school by this time and cope for a little while until he came back, returned to his care.

I despised him by now, i had had DD and wondered how he could walk away from the type of love i felt for her.
Three years later, i had DS and DF cared for DD while i was in hospital, and our relationship recovered slightly. He began visiting me, and i stayed over some weekends while he was working. It was during this time when he asked me, did i know anything about his friend, who had been accused of abusing a number of girls, including his own DD, and SM's DD. The man i remembered from the party..

I denied anything had happened to me, i still felt dirty and raw about what had happened when i was a teen, and was going through the fallout of DD's abuse.. Will put this in another post but supported SDsis in her statement with what i had seen. Later on i broke down and admitted he had done something to me.

The police were fab, very supportive, but long story short, he was aquitted of all charges, as the DD he had abused had ended up in a psychiatric unit, and i guess the rest of us just weren't believed sad

After that, the abusers' prediction appeared to come true, as the relationship with DF falter shortly after that, and i didn't see him for years. DM didn't believe that i had been abused by the man. The defence for him used details given to him without my knowledge about DD's abuse and this was disclosed in court, they basically said that i used stuff that happened to DD as 'my own supposed experience' which was totally untrue, as what happened to me did not happen to DD.

Sorry this has been long. Will write my other post now <cracks knuckles>

Proudnscary Thu 27-Sep-12 20:59:43

I'm so so sorry for the horrors you've been through.

Surely your anger should be directed at your appalling parents rather than SS but you say you are posting more....

Are you ok? Did something trigger this post?

Warning : May be triggering When i was at school i was known as 'one of the womens' refuge kids' and bullied relentlessly.
We moved into our own house, i didn't get on with the kids there either, my mum was the only single parent on the estate, so she had a tough time too, getting ignored and such.
I moved on to secondary school, the bullying continued, only worse, because i was chubby and slightly taller than others.
I used to go for walks a lot, to get away from my DM and her latest bloke, who turned out to be a nasty piece of shit, 'forgot' to tell DM he was married, his DW turned up on our doorstep many times, her and my mum fought like cat and dog in front of us. If it wasn't in sight, you could hear it, and he did nothing to stop them.
On one of these walks, i came accross a farm, where i met my first real friend. We did stuff together like she would chop my hair off a LOT in an attempt to 'train as a hairdresser' lol..finally some normality in my life! ish smile

One of the farm owners started taking a very unhealthy interest in me. At the time i was so flattered that someone was just interested in me. He knew everything about my past by the time he had finished. I saw him as a replacement DF.
One day, normal like any other, he asked me to help him move some calves from one barn to another to be tagged. I followed him into the barn.
There weren't any calves in there, i realised, as i turned round he was locking the door, and then walked over to me and said 'you've been waiting for this' pulled my hand down and placed it on his penis. I was shocked and upset and tried to turn away. He pushed me down on the floor, and raped me. He pushed my face into the dirt, i couldn't breathe, he was heavy too.

When he finished, he pulled me onto my feet and growled in my face 'If you tell ANYONE, i will make sure to tell them your DM hits you and you and your Dsis and DB's will be taken into care. This is between you and me. No one can prove its me anyway, i'll tell them you told me your SD has sex with you, and because i'm an adult, they will believe me' I was 12. I believed him.

Those words are burned into my head. I had to go there every day after school, and stay there (at my friends') for the weekends. If i didn't turn up he told me he would phone the police. To make matters worse, my friend, was the abusers young SIL.

Inevitably, my periods began shortly before my 13th birthday, and even more inevitably, i became pregnant. He brought me the test. As he sat there watching it turn whatever colour meant i was expecting a baby, i saw his face darken. His wife had not long given birth to a DD. He dropped the test, and sort of.. ran at me, all i remember after that is waking up covered in filth, on the floor, with a bruised face, and a very sore tummy. He was sat near me.

'Well, you're awake' he said. 'I don't think it'll be a problem any more' and left me there. When i went home on the sunday night, my DM asked what i'd done to my face. 'Fighting at school' 'Oh, ok then. Did you win?'

I went straight into the bath. My tummy ached, really badly. Then a load of blood rushed out into the bath, and i knew i wasn't pregnant any more. I had to scoop everything up, put it in a box that i had kept my special things in, and hide it till i was ok to go and bury it.

After this, the bullying at school seemed to get a lot more unbearable. The lad who had been bullying me the most, got bitten by my dog one day while he saw me out near my house, and started chasing me. The police got involved, i don't know what happened, but they let me keep the dog, and he stopped bullying me, but his friend continued. He pulled a knife out on me, and said, i'm going to stick this in you, then your dumb dog.
I was petrified he would hurt my dog. I didn't care about me. I was numb. Unhurtable..
I sat one day and thought, i have never been happy, i don't need to feel this pain any more. If i'm not here, no one will walk the dog, so he will be safe. I decided what to do. After making my decision, i felt strangely calm.

The next day i went and brought about 200 paracetamol. I toyed with the idea all day when i should take them. I was in an art lesson when the teacher called me clumsy and smelly (i has stopped bathing ect in an effort to stop abuser from wanting to touch me, it hadn't worked) and told me i shouldn't choose art as a GCSE. I snapped and ran out of the class with everyone laughing at me over his comments. I sat in the toilets, popping the pills into my mouth until i couldn't take any more. Then i went calmly to my maths class. I had a bit of peace until lunch was over. I started feeling sleepy and sick. One girl in the class came in early and yanked my hair to 'wake me up' .. i threw a wobbly and said something like 'you can't even let me die in peace' blush and stormed out. She saved my life, really. Reported to a dinner lady, who took me to sick bay.
Fast forward, a teacher handed me over at the hospital to my DM and DF who were there together, alternating between DM asking me what the fuck i thought i was doing, and crying, and DF stating that it was a cry for help, both of them arguing over the top of my head.. i wished i hadn't been 'found out' at that point.

I had to take that charcoal crap and be kept in. don't know how long for. I was given a woman to talk to. All i remember is DM threatening me not to say anything bad or i'd be taken into care. As soon as i was out of hospital i had gone, trembling in fear, to my abuser to explain why i hadn't been to see him. He was quite kind about things, and sort of loving hmm he told me i should keep coming to see him and he would support me through everything.

DF soon disappeared again, back into his own little 'new' family. DM still wasn't bothered where i was as long as i wasn't giving her any trouble.
The woman who came to see me, well she always fucking turned up when something good was on tv, or we had to eat, so i bluffed my way through things and she eventually didn't bother turning up either.
I got myself put on the pill by travelling to a town quite far away with a brook clinic.

When i was 15 i met DD's dad and all of a sudden abuser wasn't interested in me any more and told me i didn't need to bother going to see him. that was a mega relief.

After all that had gone on, i trusted no one with DD. I wouldn't leave her alone with anyone except my Dsis and DB's. I fell out with Dd's dad, when she was 6m old, because of his violence, and became a single parent. I then got with DS's dad, extremely violent ExP, who i stayed with for nearly 9 years, he was proper vicious, narcissistic, EA, you name it. I threw him out when he started on the DC's and my pets when he realised it was the only way to hurt me any more.

We were happy, or so i thought, on our own. During the time i had been with ExP, i had never been able to legally live with him, as a proper family, because of how he was, so i was already pretty much adapted to single life anyway. I had used to get my youngest DB to babysit when i had the rare night out, but following the total break from ExP, DD started to behave strangely when i went out, being clingy, and things like that. None of it raised red flags, i suspected she was affected by the relationship i was in, i was too low to get out at the time though sad and when it ended i simply thought she was acting out because of the relief of being out from under his black cloud.

One night, DM called me and asked if DD or DS had been talked to by me or school re stranger danger, and had i spoken to Dsis, who was younger than DD by 2 years.. then when i said no, she came round, and what she said that night shattered my world and made sure it would never be the same again.

She told me Dsis had disclosed to her that she had been inappropriately touched by DSB2.
Then she left, and i asked DD if she had anything to tell me, and she did. He had abused her, from what i could work out, from the age of about 3-4 until she was 7. I told her it was over, i would sort it, and put her to bed.

Then i broke down. I called DM and explained to her what had been said. I was petrified of the SS, and so was she. So we agreed to keep things quiet for the time being, untilwe were mentally and emotionally able to deal with what could happen. I told ExP .. stupidly really given that he was a vindictive prick, what had happened, and he decided to tell SS anonymously. He neglected to tell them that he was an abuser though.
While this was going on unbeknown to me, my DM did the most stupid fucking thing she could ever have done, i can't excuse it, she brought DSis to my house along with DSB.. (i need to point out DSB was 15 at this time) and asked him in front of the kids who were obviously embarrassed, if not scared, what he had done, of course he denied any wrongdoing, i got over my shock at them turning up and doing that, and kicked them out of my house. I was frothing at the mouth how my DM could be so fucking stupid. I can oly think she just didn't believe it.
DD knew i believed her.
I agonised over calling the police, but the following day it was taken out of my hands, which was kind of a relief, really.

The SS and police breezed through my door that day, nearly a month after it had all come out, and informed me of what they knew, took a statement, i had to take DD and accompany Dsis to be medically examined. That was awfully distressing. Given the nature of DD's abuse, there was still physical evidence, and Dsis's experience, she had none but she was very clear on what had happened.
It was awful, heart breaking, gut wrenching. I loved my little brother.. i mean really really loved him, he was my favourite sibling, i felt like my world had blown apart...

The video statements were made. The SW was overbearing and aggressive, but supportive. I relied on her heavily as my DM and i's relationship had floundered .. they had placed Dsis with me as DSB had got nowhere to go, they eventually placed him with my GM. The SW wasn't supposed to tell me where he was, but she did, stating she 'wouldn't be surprised if i killed him' and other such goading comments.

Jump forward. Court case went as well as could be expected. He was banned from working with under 18's. Until he was 18. shock And put on a supervision order for 2 years, sex offenders for 2 years. So his life would be back to normal by the time he was 18.

DD could finally begin counselling. I was still devastated as i had been overprotective of DD and DS not even allowing them to play out and go out of my sight, yet i had invited DD's abuser into our home. Walked out ignoring or dismissing her distress at me leaving as separation anxiety ffs how fucking blind was i?

I felt hugely guilty.

The counsellor .. i will call her Cs from now on, didn't seem to like me much, lol. I know in the first few weeks i begged her for someone seperate for me to talk to, she stated she was 'there for the family' but then changed the co. to the CAMHS centre because i was 'obstructive' and 'took up a lot of the co time' .. maybe i did, i can't remember, but i needed someone to help me made sense of what had happened. So i could better support DD.

Cs eventually got the SW to come and speak to me, the woman hadn't left me alone during the court process, and had literally dumped us on our arse following it. She put me and DM forward for a mothers' group in a shopping centre near us.
We attended, DM was dreadfully nervous, as she put it, her DS was one of those 'dirty bastards' that would be spoken of. Yet she was also the mother of a victim, too. She thought she would be vilified.
A number of other mums were there, and over a few weeks, we found that we chatted more outside, then inside where we were shown pie charts, explained to that the abusers were 'ill' .. how they had a right to a normal life after doing their 'time' .. it was disgusting. Not supportive at all.

I remember explaining that DD had gone from a very loving little girl, into a very withdrawn girl almost overnight during the court process, and that i was angry because they refused any counselling or real support before the conviction, in case it prejudiced the case. I could understand that, in a way, but they were dismissive of it. I told them she pushed me away saying 'you LET him abuse me' and how guilty it made me feel, i asked how to deal with that. they seemed clueless. Indeed, they only took notice when i got distressed and said i has smacked her for wiping poo on the bathroom wall, out of frustration.

It transpired from discussions between the mums that they had been told by the same SW that we had (well my DM had gotten a different one because she wouldn't work with the one i had, understandably enough) that if they didn't attend the mums meetings, every week without fail, they would have their DC's taken away. I raised this in the meeting after the break, and the SW's there said that wasn't the case, no DC's would be taken into care for that reason. The following week, only myself, DM, and one other person were there. The threat of having the DC's removed had kept those other women coming to listen to how an abuser had rights, i don't blame them in the slightest for not coming.

Shortly after this we appeared to have gotten back to a semi normal life. My DD's issues were still not being sorted. Cs couldn't deal with them because she wouldn't speak to me to find out what they were, and seemed to delight in making comments such as 'DD told me something that you may find interested' and when i asked what, she shrugged, turned up her nose, and said 'sorry its confidential'

Fucking bitch! I hated her.
Why do that?

I tried to tell her things i needed her to find out about and feed back to me or deal with whatever. She could tell i was desperate. I made it clear that i was. I wanted some semblance of a normal frigging life back. It felt like we were being held back.. well all of us except DD who was moving forward, but not in the right way IYSWIM.. without us as a strong family, loving.. she was out there, on her own, unwilling to respond to me at all. She didn't like the house we lived in, understandable, given that the abuse happened there. I grabbed the opportunity to show her i could do something to make her happy, and tried to get the SS to help us move. They applied to the council, but i didn't know she (SW) was trying to get us moved to a local crack area! I pressured and wrote and phoned, eventually getting them to realise the area i wanted the house in.

At the furthest point of the fucking area i could go where we didn't have to risk bumping into the abuser.

I decided to try and get her to honour her promise to get myself and DS a seperate Cs.. one day i got sick of calling and having no message back (this had gone on for three months plus) so i appeared at the main office. I had a thought whilst outside, whipped out my mobile, called the office, to be told she wasn't in and had gone home early. Well. I could see her fucking CAR so that was clearly bullshit. Went inside, still on the phone, and lo and behold, there she was, right behind the fucking receptionist, who was lying through her teeth, and the R put the phone down, turned to SW, and started laughing. Then they both saw me.

I was beyond fuming.
I told her she was letting my family down and should be struck off.
(Well i was angry, lol)

She finally agreed to 'sort something' and in the meantime i was to take DS and DD to a keep safe group, aimed at highlighting and helping kids learn about strangers, good bad touching and all that stuff. Well desperate for any bloody help i grabbed it with both hands. DM asked me to take Dsis as she was working, and that she would collect them, so i could spend, as she put it, a 'well earned day out/break'

Before we went, i took the DC's to see our horses. DD and DS had a squabble, over something silly, and she pushed him over into some nettles. Cue lots of wailing, ect... i picked up DS, dusted him off, put some cream on the stings, then asked DD to apologise and DS to do the same. DD refused, and walked off to get in the car. I grabbed her arm, turned her round, and pushed her with my hand between her shoulders, not hard, more steering her rather than pushing, she was doing the old 'i don't want to/foot dragging thing' but eventually said sorry and all was good. I dropped them off at the KS group and drove back to the field.

Few hours later, i got a call from DM, saying i needed to get to the centre quickly. So off i went wondering what the bloody hell then thinking that DS might have whined about being stung. I even brought the cream with me when i got out of the car. (Common occurrence, stings lol)

I got the feeling i had walked into an ambush when i walked in to see : The centre manager, the magical disappearing SW, the Cs, and a police officer.
Apparently, i had >> Pushed DD, shouted at her, legged her over into nettles, then 'punched' her in the back because she wouldn't apologise.

Now this is where things are interesting. DD couldn't speak very well. Not that this is my defence against any wrongdoing, the situation happened exactly as i put it. I'm not proud for pushing her, or making her apologise. But what they had said was totally wrong.
She had and still has, an undiagnosed tongue tie, and had been seen by speech therapists to no avail.
So i asked, did DD tell you all this? No, they replied, Dsis did. But Dsis was in the car, i said. The driveway is in sight of the field, but not that close, and what was i supposed to have made her apologise for? SHE pushed DS into the nettles, ect ect. and i don't say punched, i say thumped. So do my DC's. So where would she have gotten the word punched from? Are you sure she didn't say pushed? I did push her, yes, on her back, with one hand, towards DS.

Well, they huffed.. she has a bruise on her back. In your defence DS and DD have both stated mummy doesn't smack them, but we have a statement here from the mothers group leader saying that you punched the wall when speaking about DD wiping excrement on the wall, and told them you smacked her.
What the fuck, i replied, i wasn't even NEAR a wall, what kind of bullshit is this?
At which point, they brought DD in. She had a summer dress on. She came over to me and tentatively looked round the room while holding my hand and trying to hide behind me.

The SW charged at her and whipped her dress up and over her head, leaving her standing there in just her underwear, pushed her towards a window, and announced.. 'There..look! A bruise !'
Hmm, i said, licked my thumb, and rubbed a bit of the 'bruise' off. I think you will find, thats dirt. Sorry to disappoint you.

She then said, well, i don't think you're coping very well. I want you to put DD into temporary FC so we can assess her and see what the best support for your family could be.
'Well you haven't done very well so far' i snorted. DM pleaded with me not to agree, and i wish i had listened, but i was incensed, i wanted them to see what they had left us suffering through, so agreed.

Now i know for a 100% FACT that DD was clean, yet when it all eventually went to court it transpired that the first FC had said DD was crawling with headlice.

Anyway i skip a bit. DD stayed in FC for around five weeks. She was due to go back to school after the six week holiday and i had saved money for her uniform.
The SW told me there was no need, and to spend it on DS.
I had completely open contact while she was with this FC. I was told she had repeatedly cried on the first night that she wanted to go home, and wet herself sitting in the corner when i went home following contact. It upset me terribly (there was no mention of headlice btw) I had to get three buses to the FC's as it was so far away, I had to get DM or Dsis to collect DS from school. The SW told me i wasn't to take DS to contacts as DD had stated she hated him and didn't want to see him.

I stuck to what i had agreed of 6 weeks temp FC, and assured DD that was how long i had been told it would be. She was very distressed, but understood, and was happy as long as i visited every day.
I contacted the SW every week to find out how things were progressing.
I never got a reply.
I saw DD get dropped off at school in a taxi, and she had the same shoes on that she had before the holidays.
Eventually, after the 6 weeks were up, i told the FC that i'd heard nothing from the SS, so i was going to collect DD from hers the following evening. She agreed and said it was about time as DD had not stopped talking about going home once in all the time she had been there.
I spoke to the taxi driver on the following morning telling him it would be the last time he would be dropping her off, thanked him for looking after her, and he said she had been chatting about how it was 'time to go home soon'.

I arranged for my DM to come and collect DD with me. I caught the buses there as normal, while i was waiting for DM, a car came past me. It was the SW. It then left, with a load of things in the back. I saw no sign of DD, but i felt sick and started to panic.
Then the police turned up, and served me with some order if i remember correctly it was a PPO (police protection order) and told me to get in contact with the SW. I told them i hadn't heard from her in six weeks,
They were sympathetic when i explained the story but had clearly only come to do a job.
When DM turned up we went to see a very distressed FC who stated she couldn't understand, that they hadn't even let her say goodbye to DD, and had just taken her things.

And that was the beginning of the nightmare that was to continue for the next 11 years.....

And so the court process started.
There were questionable things in the statements made that were basically unprovable but equally disprovable so i had to spend the next few years having my soul destroyed and my parenting skills questioned and picked to bits.

First court process went on for about five years until the CO was finally granted by consent, more about that in a bit.

I got through a number of different SW's in this time (well, DD's SW's) and each one was equally CRAP and unwilling to meet with me and then read the paperwork which was full of lies and incredibly biased. Anyone reading those would have wanted me stoned in the street, trust me.
As i was still in contact with the first FC, i asked her if she had actually found HL in DD's hair. Not a single one, she replied. There were so many lies in there..

I had to have contact at the SS offices. DS was still barred from contacts despite only being 5 years of age. There were swearwords and spit and excrement on the walls. I was told its here or no contact at all.
My solicitor finally managed to get them to change the contact venue.
The one they chose was two 1hour bus journeys away. 2 hours there, 2 back. They said it had to be supervised because i had tried to 'abduct her' this was not the case at all, i had been told 6 weeks, after 7 with full radio silence from the SS i decided to bring her home from VOLUNTARY FC.

The second SW we had openly said that DD should not be in care. Yet she did nothing about it. She was a nice woman though. We had her for a while, muddling through, she admitted to only reading parts of the notes and relied on me to tell her my side, and that of the SS as they saw it.
During the time she was SW, i had the psych tests and was 'diagnosed' with a borderline personality disorder. During that i was asked if i had suffered any bereavements of close family members. My DCousin had been killed as a toddler. I was very close to him. Apparently that didn't count. I was deemed unfit to parent a child that had been sexually abused due to my own 'unresolved abuse'.
She didn't take into account that a few days before she did the tests, i had been in court giving evidence against my first abuser. I was very distressed about that, and when i had to go for the second test, i told her clearly that i had been to court the week before for the verdict when he had been found not guilty.

I am disgusted that none of this got mentioned in court or in the psych report yet they thought it was fine to disclose that i had a termination following the birth of DS1.
I told her of the times i had been to see DD in contact, and she had disclosed that the FC had slapped her head and pulled her hair. The contact worker had informed the FC of this when dropping DD off, alone, with her. Disgusting.
The time DD took her socks off, a year after she had been in care, and i realised she had the same shoes on that she had been taken from me in, and stated she had to peel her toenails off in the bath, because the FC wouldn't help her to cut them, they were so long they had curled over and back into the top or her toes, which looked crushed anyway, the shoes were way too small!
I cried and begged the CW for some nail scissors and cut DD's nails.

I told her of the time DD wet herself because she knew it would make the FC angry and maybe then 'she would send me back home' .. as a punishment she was made to go to school the following day in the urine smelling clothes.
She still has issues with this and is now obsessive about cleaning herself so she doesn't smell.
None of this was in the report. Or any court statements except my own.

Then, the damning court report came. After being removed from the above FC and being given new shoes after i threatened to sue them if she grew up with damaged feet, and got a local chiropodist to write them a strongly worded letter, DD was placed with another family. Contact was every week now once a week.

I was in court and handed a statement that claimed that DD had chopped off one of the girls' hair in the placement. DD claimed that the girl had stamped on her chest and indeed, DD had a bruise in the shape of a shoe, on her chest. No doctor was called or seen despite the bruise being deep and black. All the psych put in the report on DD regarding this was the hair cutting incident.

DD had disclosed to the SW that she had been touched down below by the FC shock
The SW had apparently talked to DD, told her there was no other placement she could be moved to, DD then retracted the allegation, she then decided the allegation was unfounded, TOLD the FC what had been disclosed and retracted, then left DD with them and left the property!!
The police were not called, no statements were taken, no further action was taken. I wasn't informed, until the court report was shoved into my hands just before going in. This was a favourite tactic of theirs, handing statements at the last minute so you couldn't respond to them..

No one, not one, the guardian, the judge, questioned this. I did. I told my sol she was temporarily suspended, and asked why correct procedure hadn't been followed. Apparently DD retracted her statement. Well, she did the same with the allegation against my DSB but that was seen as understandable. Surely, once it became clear you were going to leave her with the FC's, she felt threatened enough to retract the statement? I asked. I got no reply. No one pressed for a reply. Not even the fucking judge.

The next time i saw DD, she told me that the girls had been bullying her, so she got some scissors and chopped off their hair as they slept.
Following this, contact was stopped. With immediate effect. I was fuming. I know it was to do with the allegations made.
I contacted the police to tell them about the allegation. I was ignored. I then sat outside telling everyone who would listen what had happened to DD, they soon hustled me into the police station then. I told them of DD's allegation and they agreed she was being held 'incommunicado' but refused to investigate the allegations of sexual abuse.

Shortly after this, i was arrested, on the strength of a picture my DS had drawn in school, of a burning house, and had apparently told the teacher he wanted me to burn down the first SW's house, that he was sad he hadn't seen his Dsis in four years, ect. They stated that a statement had been made that i had seen the SW in the local town, and threatened her. Easy one that, They couldn't even produce the picture, and i told them to search CCTV as i had never been to the town they mentioned, but i was willing to go to court and i would invite every journalist i could to let them know the police had failed to investigate DD's alleged abuse, but had arrested me on someone elses' say so. The one PO was very understanding and laughed often, telling me he could see what had happened. I still have the tape, lol. So they could do nothing, but kept me in until bailing me without conditions at 4 am. When i had work the following morning.

A week later i went back in to re-make the request that someone from CP see my DD to put my mind at rest. As i sat waiting, an officer (the one from the keep safe group, funnily enough) came down on her own, pressed her nose against my forehead, and hissed at me, if i didn't leave it alone, i would be sorry, and last weeks' arrest would be the first in a long line. When the other PO walked in, she said, 'Understand?' and then to him, 'I've had my word, thanks'

Eventually i got the 'no further action being taken' line but was absolutely fuming still about the actions of the police.

When she (the SW) left on maternity leave, we had a break, finally, and got a SW who listened to me and DD, and the Contact Worker was changed to an absolutely wonderful woman, i will call her Michelle.. it wasn't long before she started making moves towards returning DD home.
DD was diagnosed with ADHD, put on medication, returned to the FC she had been removed from when in Vol FC, and then i was told, and so was she, that she would be returning home. Yaay!! I decorated her room, got her bed ready, Even the counselling woman who had been a bitch to me at the beginning of all this, phoned me being helpful and nice, so in the spirit of things, i tried to be 'responsible' and asked for one week to prepare the room, rather than saying 'bring her back right now', and asked for overnight stays and made sure they put their promises of support following return home down on paper. I was petrified of being let down again. Of them returning DD and it just being doomed to fail. After all she had been away from me for nearly 5 years.

I was to regret this decision. It gave the CAFCASS woman time to veto the return. I and DD were devastated.
Basically, my DM had been assessed to care for DD in the event i couldn't have her returned to me. Her assessment was favourable.
DD had not had much contact with any other family member except for me and rarely DM, towards the end we were allowed to take DS and new SW stated it was 'disturbing' that DD and DS had been kept apart for so long.
DM told the assessor of the plan to return DD home, and he informed the CAFCASS worker. She lied in court that an unsupervised contact between DD and DM had culminated in DM allowing DD to see her abuser. That was bullshit as they had been swimming, and there was cctv in the car park, from where DM had taken DD straight back to the FC's. So it was proven to be a lie yet she was never disciplined. However it happened in time to prevent the unsupervised contact planned for me and DD on mothers' day sad According to the FC, and the subsequent court statement she wrote, DD 'Sat on the stairs and sobbed her little heart out upon finding out she wouldn't be going to see her mum'

The return home was stopped.

My own solicitor then threw me under the bus. Despite the legal fees adding up to more than the price of buying a decent sized house, i did more legwork than her. There was an offer made of a mother and baby unit assessment, which she told me to turn down because DD wasn't a baby.

So i got together with the SW. For once sitting together with them rather than scowling across the room at each other, the guardian fuming and actually going to the point of rowing with the SW and bringing her close to tears, at which point i jumped in and called her a disgusting liar, and that she should be sacked.

Between myself and the SW, we worked out that if a care order was granted, we could wave bye bye to the cafcass woman, and then return DD home.

So i agreed to the CO being granted. My sol told me that the Judge (a very nice man) had pulled her aside basically in the mini hearing before (where i wasn't but all the sol's, SW's and guardian were, and had told her to bring it back to his attention immediately if the plan wasn't followed.


Following the granting of the CO, i had agreed to allowing DD to settle in a placement with the very first FC she had been placed with [rolls eyes, yep back to square one] then i would start having open contact, every day if that was what DD wanted, unsupervised, with overnight stays, gradually increasing to more and more overnight stays, eventual return home full time.
I even had an unsupervised contact with her on Christmas Day, was absolutely over the moon with this! Hadn't had a proper xmas for five years.
It was a fab day, DD got to see people she hadn't seen in years, i spent most of the day driving, but i didn't care. Even my boss was so over the moon he allowed me to use the company vehicle for the day smile

But then came the change of SW.
I assumed they would share info/notes whatever but ohhhhh no.
The cafcass officer playing her face meant that SW i had came close to losing her job and got moved sideways.
New SW read the notes and we were back to square one.
She told me no contact until she had got everything straight 'in her head' .. i couldn't understand a word she said unfortunately, it was a struggle. Never mind i thought, she will get brought up to speed and we'll be back on course again.

Nope. I had zero contact with DD for about 18 months. Then i was told 'letterbox contact only' During this i was having kittens about being let down and them moving the goalposts.
I went self litigant at court because i thought it was a foregone conclusion, and applied to the same judge as before for the care order to be dismissed. I got a different judge sad

It was apparent she was all on their side. It was so frustrating.
Eventually out of desperation i went to court to apply for an emergency protection order on grounds that DD wasn't being cared for properly (the shoes, the FC abuse, the being told she was going to be sent home, the no contact.) As in my opinion the last one especially would be counted as emotional abuse. I also found out that the FC who was alleged to have sexually abused DD had pushed her into a cupboard that had a nail sticking out of it which dug into her back.

The EPO wasn't granted because the SS had moved her to a new placement. What! It didn't change the fact that DD was being emotionally abused.

Anyway, here comes the end of my story. The SS took me to court to have my right to apply for orders removed, and it was granted.
I felt totally deflated, and that i had let DD down, badly. I was also tired of fighting, the case had robbed me of a career being a paramedic, as the hours didn't suit what the SS offered contact wise, and i was told to put my priorities in order, this meant giving up my dream job sad of my DD, and of a decent life and holidays with DS, every spare day/holiday was swallowed up with meetings, court appearances, ect.

DD returned to me at the age of 17.

I hate the social services, and i give not a flying fuck who knows it.
I feel for them and don't hate them for hatings' sake, but i know what they're capable of, the lies they get away with telling, and the fact that parental support is non existent.

Oh and their complaints team dreams has nightmares about me.
And i changed a lot of their procedures single handedly through complaints about how DD was treated, and she can't have been the only one, either, and human rights mean nothing to them..

Yep they save a lot of kids. But they also take some from innocent parents. They aim for the easy targets.
Yup i fucking hate them.
And i hope one day someone passes a law that opens up the family courts, makes these bastards accountable for their crimes against some families, and can be sued for their actions.

Lots of social workers are completely incompetent.

Sorry to hear your sad story sad how old is your dd now and how is she doing?
There has been a lot of SS involvement in my family and people don't seem to realise exactly how much SS get wrong, like, really wrong sad

She's 18 now and the reason i posted was because i thought it was time. I asked her, she was ok about it, i have bottled it up for so long sad
There is no support for the families of removed children.
The best you get is a solicitor who just does it for the money and gives not a monkeys about you really.

I'm getting better about it now, and they're not all bad, just the left hand often doesn't know what the right hand is doing.. i hear a lot of foster carers saying the same thing.

But if you're going to take the kids, have a court case that costs a small fortune and i mean it came to about £100, 000 in our case alone and that is not a lie, i saw it when i became self litigant and saw the costs in the application for myself!.. then you should know what the fuck is going on! My DD should have been home six or seven years ago.

She speaks about the abuse she suffered now but is so glad to be away from SS that she doesn't want to take it further. The FC who was alleged to have touched her died as well so not sure how that would work..

Plus we had 2 good SW, 1 mediocre, and 2 crap so i suppose thats not bad odds, devastated that through it all i now have an arrest record, previously i had a totally clean criminal record sad

DippyDoohdah Fri 28-Sep-12 05:35:48

You have been totally let down.I hope you can start to enjoy some better times now.good for you for never letting it lie, it becomes too much for some people.I work with people who often become subject to child protection cases, and know social worker allocation is a complete lottery....

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Fri 28-Sep-12 11:15:08

Just wanted to let you know I've read all of this. I believe you. Sending all my love...

jen127 Fri 28-Sep-12 11:43:49

I have read all of this and my heart goes out to you. You have been lte down by so many people !
I am glad you have DD back

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 28-Sep-12 11:45:36

Thanks to all who have reported this thread to us.

We can tell you that we know the OP to be a MNer of very long standing and have no reason to think her posts are anything other than genuine.

We are concerned, though, that the amount of detail here may well give some people enough info to identify the OP and/or her family in real life.

We'll drop the OP a line and let her know of our concern and ask her if there are any posts which, on reflection, she thinks would be better deleted.

LadyMamaLard Fri 28-Sep-12 12:19:34

Fucking hell sad

I'm so sorry for the awful experiences you and your dd have suffered. I hope life treats you both a lot better from now on.

ZigZagWanderer Fri 28-Sep-12 13:52:25

I had to reply just to say I'm sorry and I hope you and you Dcs can move on.
Unfortunately I have heard of other horror stories about these organisations.
Can you seek a support group of other sufferers like yourself and your DD?
I'm sure they exist.
I'm glad you are back together.
I wish I could say more!

Hi MN towers haven't opened my email today. Yes i have been on mn a long time. There's nothing in here that i'm worried about, the only people who would be able to identify me would be those who were involved in the case, and DD is 18 now so the Care Order has finished and i am completely safe from them and any recriminations ect smile

PS this took me hours please dont take it down lol

Can i also just say, through the whole thing, i was never allowed to tell DD that i loved her, or wanted her home. I wasn't allowed to cry either.

Any one of these three things meant immediate termination of contact.

Until DD was 18 i was only allowed to see her once a month. Ok so it was unsuervised after a time, but the time it was supervised, i had to sit in mcdonalds with her, flanked by two women wearing badges round their necks. It was awful, i often asked them to hide the badges but they didn't. We got stared at the whole time.

I wouldn't wish my experiences on my worst enemy.

ZigZag hi honey.. no there isn't really any support groups out there for people who have had their kids taken. FASSIT UK tries to help but its not much they can do. There are support networks out there for sexual abusers and people who think they may sexually abuse, i know this because it was one of my recommendations to the LA which they actually followed up on, but nothing zip zilch for families with removed children.

ZigZagWanderer Fri 28-Sep-12 15:05:36

I have pm'd you.

Again I have nothing useful to add, sorry.

Thanks honey. Seriously, i am ok with it all now. I just wanted this out there, in case it helps someone else not feel so alone sad

I did cry at bits while writing it as the emotions do come back out. I suffer from PTSD from a number of incidents in my life and i actually find it theraputic to write things down. I wonder if MN HQ would make a board specifically for non judgemental support fo people going through this.. of course there would have to be rules as you can't disclose certain things during an ongoing case, or quote directly from court papers, but i know there are people out there, with no support, who have had children taken.

It hurts to know that some kids would be able to stay with their families, with support, but that support isn't available to children if they're not on an at risk register, or in care. thats a bit door horse bolted blah blah

AnyFucker Fri 28-Sep-12 17:30:58

Take care, love x

ZigZagWanderer Fri 28-Sep-12 18:01:36

It's those few that you could do with talking to, only they could really understand your frustration.

I'm glad you are better about it, although I'm sure it felt good to rant about it and get it all down.

fraggle500 Fri 28-Sep-12 18:46:04


Nothing to add..Just I believe you. xxxxxxx

Jennco Fri 28-Sep-12 19:09:49

I have read your posts, and i think you are an amazingly strong woman, and proof that a mother will fight for the child she loves. I hope you daughter is well, and can grow into a strong woman too. Lots of Luck for the future, i hope you now have an amazing life.
Best wishes xx

FoofyShmooffer Fri 28-Sep-12 19:50:50

OP no one should ever have to go through that. Ever. Just heartbreaking.
thanks for you and your children.

Thanks AF fraggle and jen

Thank you too reality/eleanor lol

We have a lot more to get through.

DD came home but states i am not really her mum because i didn't bring her up for 11 years. She also couldn't understand why i didn't visit her at times, or tell her i loved her, or wanted her home.

I have put her straight on most of that because tbh she wouldn't have known about the court case ect, i understand about the mum bit too, i was systematically taken apart and removed from DD's life until i would have been little more than a memory if i hadn't gone to apply for an EPO. I incidentally was the first parent ever to apply for one wink my claim to fame there.

Thank you for believing me, its hard to read and i thought 'would i believe me if i was reading this' it would be easy to cover up child abuse with excuses but what i say here is 100% the truth. I am so honest sometimes it gets me into bad situations, or worsens them, but i still won't lie.

Its nice to be believed and supported. You are wonderful people x

lisad123 Fri 28-Sep-12 20:25:45

Having spent many years in SS, it's horrible to say but I believe you. I met some awful sw in my old job, many who didn't follow though and some who were just crap!!
I would like to think I was one of the good ones but sadly the good ones don't last long in a horrible job that takes so much.

The thing is OP up to reading your dd was removed, I can kind of see why they did it. But any treatment after was just awful and I'm sorry sad

I could understand that too, don't worry i won't bite your head off lol. I begged and begged for support to be told there was none that i could have unless the DC's were on the at risk register, or actually under a care order. So i begged them to put DD on the register and they refused.

lisad123 Fri 28-Sep-12 20:31:45

I'm angry that we have to fight for anything for our kids. I have spent years fighting for DDs supportive services but still nothing and I know the system sad

Did they ever give a reason why it was acceptable for you to keep your ds who was younger and therefore more likely at risk?
Did your dd get help for dealing with the abuse?

Oh .. also when DD left care they were trying to get her diagnosed with something, i think it was aspergers? Any idea why they might have done that? x

ledkr Fri 28-Sep-12 20:37:19

Well done op. Xx

rhondajean Fri 28-Sep-12 20:39:04

I believe you too.

It took me ages to read and I teamed up a few times.

I thought I was having a hard time till I read this.

My heart goes out to you, may your family find peace and healing xxx

lisad123 Fri 28-Sep-12 20:39:38

Because maybe she has it, or they needed a reason for her behaving behaviour other than the fact they clearly failed her and you!

Yes DD got a counsellor who saw her every week and cost £60 an hour including travel, they demended this as a condition of her being returned, i had forgotten about that. I couldn't afford it, it was one of the reasons the CO was granted, because they could provide that and i couldn't. DD didn't get on with her anyway and shortly after the CO was granted she didn't see her any more.

And if i narrow it down.. i was told 'You can keep DS because there's nothing wrong with your parenting of him, but you wouldn't be able to effectively parent an abused female child'

DS had been abused too, inappropriately touched, by DD's abuser, but they didn't take that any firther, the CPS decided there wasn't enough evidence.

Further dayum fat fingers..
The thing is, there are people suffering the same right now. They can't get support unless anonymously because apart from a mckenzie friend, you can't let anyone else, and that includes family although this is obviously commonly flouted, know details of the case, share court statements with them, or really get any of their own experts in because they're so expensive.
Family courts are closed so you can't even go to the papers and tell them to sit in on your case and see the injustice thats being meted out, or decipher the porkies that get told, or the word twisting. You are there, alone, fighting a battle with people for whom money and RL isn't a problem, when you get to know one, and get a decent working relationship going, they leave, and you have to start again. There is never a shortage of new SW's to replace the ones before so they have 'fresh horses' and you are a tired old nag.

You can't (legally) record the meetings, they knew i was a FASSIT member at the time and i was asked if i had any recording equipment before they allowed me into meetings.
Eventually i was banned from the LAC reviews for asking too many questions about 'things that didn't matter' like why the police were never called to investigate DD's allegations of abuse by the two FC's (sexual emotional and physical) .. i was told i would get minutes instead and be contacted for my opinion before each one.
Needless to say this didn't happen.
They moved DD school against my wishes twice, and her education suffered as a result. She was doing a course she didn't like in college because she was told 'further education or you have to leave the FC's home' .. she wasn't supported in her choice of course at all, at the time she didn't even have an allocated SW.

There is so, so much i could say. Too much really. I got tired of fighting, tbh, and broke down often. Special occasions were awful. Xmas, birthdays..
But i didn't give up on DD because of my previos experiences i was hard and had bottle, i had the stamina that i needed to face their shit every day, whatever they threw i could take it.
If i hadn't had a hard life i believe i would have folded sooner.

Daisym0use Fri 28-Sep-12 21:39:21

I'm so sorry to hear your story. Until I was caught up in the private family law court I would have been astounded to hear your story but now it doesn't surprise me at all. The first time I went on MN was on the legal board because I was upset that my cafcass officer had lied in court. Some bastard flamed me and said my Cafcass officer 'obviously had the measure of me' I was devestated because whoever it was seemed to think these SW types didn't lie! That was nothing compared to what you have been through. You sound strong though and an inspiration to me to get through the shit I'm going through xx

Hi daisy x
It used to be that you couldn't make a formal complaint about the guardian ad litem, or cafcass officer. However, i made a complaint against mine, and it was upheld, the guardian was changed.

At a later date when we needed a guardian in proceedings where DS's father got back in touch and wanted contact, and i wanted to make sure he wouldn't be abused as he had been by his dad when he was little, she was allocated to us again! Sods law, lol..

Well she backed down politely and said she couldn't take on the case so that saved me a job. I was willing to work with her again as it was nothing to do with DD but i think she knows she will never be forgiven for robbing me of the chance to have DD home and lying about my mum taking her to see her abuser (My step brother)

Put in a formal complaint. you have nothing to lose unless the next one is just as horrid. BTW, most of them are ex SW's so of course they will be on the same page and very glib at telling porkies when it suits.

They know there is no way you can disprove what they say and even if you can, by the time you do, its on a statement and the case files, so forever in the system. Even if you manage to do a data protection act request and successfully get it removed, rare because you have to prove that its untrue, you won't get an apology and it will have already done the damage it was intended to do.

I will personally never get over the SW team leader sitting outside the court with me scrounging my cigarettes, then whipping her inhaler out and saying 'i have really bad asthma' i was like shock and hmm lol

Daisym0use Fri 28-Sep-12 22:14:19

Thats what worries me, the next one might be worse! They're not involved at the mo and I'm going to try and keep it that way.
Funnily enough I do admin for a recruitment agency that recruit SW's and Cafcass workers (Haven't advertised that to them though!) and the general opinion seems to be that you have to be a bit strange to be one! In my experience they seem to be on some sort of a power trip.
I will kick up a right stink though if they try to give me another cafcass officer. I'm going to demand NYAS instead.

Inadeeptrance Fri 28-Sep-12 22:30:09

OP I have read your story and I just want to tell you that your post made me so angry on your behalf, I just don't know what to say.

Heartbreaking, awful and I cannot imagine how you have coped.

I wish I had something useful to say, but I can only send you love, and good thoughts, over the Internet. Though, I am a therapist in RL, please PM me if you would like any help at all.

LOL at power trip, yes indeed i did think that at times.
I feel sorry for them really. I bet they see some awful things sad i hate them for what they did to my family not as an organisation fullstop. I just wish they were more honest, i don't lie, i don't see why anyone else feels the need to.

Indeed it was often said to me by anyone i told the full story to, that the first SW had made things up, so she would have looked silly retracting her allegations and backing down, as we know they wouldn't apologise either, so she threw all her weight behind proving her lies and piled more and more on in that effort.

I can understand that, digging a hole then digging further and further to prove to others that you're not just stupidly digging a random hole, but to prove it you sneak over on a night and drop treasure down it, then jump up and down saying 'see i knew i was right to dig this hole'

Thats what it felt like she did. Sorry if it sounds silly.

DD says she wants to sue them, and asked if i would support her.
Tbh i wouldn't know where to start, but i wouldn't want her going against their might and endless reams of public cash, and i don't doubt they would have an effect on her life in revenge. I want my grandchildren to be safe (if i am blessed with them)

It worries me that their parting shot was to say DD had aspergers. I think that if she has kids in the future they will try and get involved.
If i help her to go against them, it could go the way that we want in that they would know she isn't one to be messed with, and then she would be safe, or they could harbour a 'beef' and bring it into play if she has her own children.

Having seen how my own past was used to rip my family apart, i have no doubt that they would do the same to DD and thats not how i want her life to be sad

Daisym0use Fri 28-Sep-12 23:15:52

To be fair I have only had the experience of one Cafcass officer, maybe if I'd had a different one things would have been different. I'll keep an open mind if I ever have to have another one.
I've thought about you all day, your story sounds like a book. Maybe you should write your story, that could be great therapy for you and it could help other people too. I think you are very brave and I wish you all the luck and happiness you have missed out on up to now.

I'm so sorry this happened to your family. Absolutely shocking.

Could you send your story to the papers/ magazines now? It may help others including your daughter if she is worried about the repercussions of suing the bastards.

lisad123 Fri 28-Sep-12 23:29:13

Having ASD would by no means mean her children would come near SS.
She will be classed as a "care leaver" until she is 21 years and then after that it would not be noted unless she told someone eg Health visitor or midwife or there was a SS referral.
I still often think of the families I worked with and being told I was wrong in my assessments, but I never backed down. I refused to stand in court and swear on the bible the truth unless I knew it was. Many a time I got in trouble for saying "I can't answer that".

Personally I wouldn't sue but only because I think you both need time alone without SS hanging over you, try and make best of time you have given all the years you missed.

Ah they told me she will be classed as a care leaver until she is 25.
21 will be much more preferable.

I do know a lot of 'care leavers' through what i've been through and my personal experience is that before they are 21, if they have a child, they usually get shipped off to an MBU where it is rare they come out with the baby.
And once one is taken it appears any more born after that are also fair game hmm

I am tempted to tell DD not to sue just yet, but then i think of how they let her down, and the fact she may be able to get some justice now, then again, the thought of dealing with them all over leaves me cold.

FWIW the leaving care team have openly admitted to being shocked and disgusted at many aspects of the case and care of DD. She came out of FC totally unable to live without support. She doesn't know how to cook, clean, budget. Absolutely shocking.

I will never forget the two good sw's we had, one of them was male and actually bothered about DS, taking him out ect, he was the one who sorted out the contacts for DS and DD, after they had had no contact for about 7 years apart from in school. He was disgusted that DS and DD were in the same school, yet DS had been dragged away from DD any time they met, on the orders of the former SW. As was always the case, he pissing left just after everything started going well, and after him, there was no SW allocated to DD for years.

It just seemed that once they had got DD, they stopped trying as hard..

The other, who nearly lost her job for sticking up for us, oh my god i love her to bits, as a friend! She was appointed as the chair in the meetings that followed DD's return home smile A wonderful, wonderful woman, very kindly, and straightforward. Trust me, she didn't heart and flower it, she disagreed with me at times, we swore at each other, came to compromises, cooked up schemes, and argued some more, but she was and still is a fantastic person i hope she continues in her new post for a long time smile

It struck me while she was involved, that the other 'agencies' school ect, that had followed the former sw's like sheep, despite professing to support me when out of her earshot, treating me like shit on their shoes, did a 360 overnight when she became involved. People like that dreadful counsellor, phoning me to arrange support at home for DD when she was returned, speaking to me like i was her best bud in the whole wide world.
Superficial woman. I hate people that don't have the courage of their convictions, or balls to stand up and be counted..

Lisad do you think that 28 days is pants really for an initial assessment? Its one of the things i campaigned to change. Ridiculously short amount of time imo.

lisad123 Fri 28-Sep-12 23:52:12

An initial assessment shouldn't take that long at all tbh! It's purely a assessment to decide if its no further action/child protection/child in need/ or PPO!!
Any further assessments should be alot longer. Parenting assessments here take 3-4 months!

ncg great idea but i wouldn't want to risk any future case collapsing because i opened my gob lol. I was asked a while ago to write the story of DD for a national paper but i wouldn't because it meant possibly incurring the wrath of the SS and i had just found out i was PG with DS2 x

I don't know if i have the wrong assessment name then. I remember bitterly complaining to the last SW about 28 days being too short for something and she agreed that it should be more open ended. Maybe it'll come to me in a bit.. dont want to have to dig out all my paperwork and recordings from the loft lol.. it will bug me now grin

lisad123 Sat 29-Sep-12 00:07:53

Core assessment?

Thats the baby lol <brushes away cobwebs> thanks .. it was bugging me.. just been to look for the stepladder grin

UsingAPsuedonym Sat 29-Sep-12 00:51:01

Nothing to say other than I've read your story and it's made me so sad. I just wish I had means to make life easier for you both now after being through such an awful ordeal.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.. its much appreciated! < unmumsnetty ((hug)) >

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 07-Oct-12 13:05:54

Oh Hmmm

I remember you under your previous name, posting while dd was still in FC. so glad that you now have her back, and I am wishing the best for both of you in the future smile

Thank you norma smile its hard, having a child that you know is yours, that you dont really know, is distant from you, acts very entitled like she thinks we should provide for her what SS did. But we are getting there slowly. I am just glad to have my baby back (she is an adult now.. lol its a bit of a shock)

EchoBitch Sun 07-Oct-12 17:28:20

You have many more years ahead of you to get to know each other and enjoy each other,i wish you well.

MadamFolly Sun 07-Oct-12 19:12:18

OP I believe you and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you smile

FWIW i wouldn't change it now, it has made me and DD stronger people. Would just like the opportunity to help others.

I have tried to be objective as much as possible, am aware that SS can not tell their 'side' of 'my' story, but nothing here is hidden. I have become aware i am not the only one. I hope MN may do something to make more parents aware of their rights if they ever are unfortunate enough to be in the same position so no one has to rely on people who only got involved because of their own beef with SS and therefore only get one sided 'support' and misleading information.

Me.. i wish i could sue. But i can't. sad

conantg Sun 07-Oct-12 20:13:18

Saddest story I have ever read. I am in awe of your strength and fortitude, and I wish you and your dear ones all the very best for the future.

Thank you, conantg thanks

lovelymummy47 Mon 08-Oct-12 18:32:51

Hmmm I'm sooo sorry for all that you have gone through. You sound brave and strong despite all, I personally have had a traumatizing encounter with the ss and I was nearly going mental in fear that they'd snatch my sweet baby away --have ended up in a mental insitution for a few weeks. To cut long story short, I have to hide myself away from this vile and cruel people who approach "to help" but rather cause so much damage.

I wish you all the happiness in the world honey.

These are for you thanks

LtEveDallas Mon 08-Oct-12 19:15:48

Bloody Hell hmmm your story is horrifying. I wish you EVERYTHING you would wish for yourself, with bells on.

And for the people who treated you so badly, I wish a plague of boils. Big, hairy, stinking, painful boils.

SummerRain Mon 08-Oct-12 21:35:03

Hmmmm, your story will stay with me for a long time. Thank you for sharing it but I'm so sorry you ever had to go through.

Your personal strength is astounding, as is your power of acceptance... Not many could go through what you've described without being eaten alive by hatred and rage.

I hope you can rebuild a relationship with your dd despite what was taken from you both. thanks

SummerRain Mon 08-Oct-12 21:36:35

'Go through it in the first place'... Phone ate it, sorry

mummy1986 Mon 08-Oct-12 21:54:10

I'm so sorry you and your DD had to go through all that trauma.
That must be the saddest story ive read for a very long time.
You are a very stong, remarkable women and your Dc are lucky to have you.

Hmmm I'm sooo sorry for all that you have gone through. You sound brave and strong despite all, I personally have had a traumatizing encounter with the ss and I was nearly going mental in fear that they'd snatch my sweet baby away --have ended up in a mental insitution for a few weeks. To cut long story short, I have to hide myself away from this vile and cruel people who approach "to help" but rather cause so much damage.

Oh love sad they should be the very people you can approach for support. I am told things have changed, don't let my story put you off seeking help! Mine and the few other bad experiences i have read on here and heard about elsewhere, they are a tiny minority.. its sad, but no organisation is infallible, but i would never say all SW's are crap or should be burned at the stake ect smile But there are good ones and bad. Shame its such a lottery.
As long as you have family support, lean on them, or your partner. Thats what they're there for. I would never tell anyone, for example, with PND not to seek help from the right people. Just don't make the same mistake as me if they do get involved and be BRUTALLY honest about feelings, just give them all they need to know to help and support you.

EVE, i wished that the fleas of a thousand camels would infest their crotches and their arms be too short to scratch, LOL..

Summer, thank you thanks
I hope so too, looks like it will never be mum and daughter though, the most i can hope for is 'friends' and i'm happy with that, its all i ever will get back, unless someone invents a time machine sad

Mummy, thank you x thanks

Ok too many but's in my post hahaha

Basically, my experience and those of others aren't 'typical' of the SS especially these days, bear in mind this is 10-11 years on..

They still have their failings and are desperately in need of a huge overhaul, they do have a terrible job to do and how do you decide between a rotten parent who is a good actor, or a genuine, loving parent who is aggressive because they're pissed off that you're questioning their parenting skills, frightened,(an angry or frightened mum is no more worth messing with than a tiger with a thorn in its paw lol) .. i would not like to be in that position.

But there are super-super-superstars in the mix, complete diamonds.
Shame you don't get to 'choose' one you feel comfortable working with..

Please anyone reading this, if you need help, seek it. xx

Matesnotdates Tue 09-Oct-12 00:27:55

OP, that is so so sad. Really heart wrenchingly sad that you should have to go through all that. I am very sorry.

lemontruffles Tue 09-Oct-12 01:02:48

Hmmm your posts are heart wrenchingly sad, but I can't put into words how much I admire your astonishing strength and determination throughout.

My heart goes out to you x x


DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Tue 09-Oct-12 01:04:06

And many many hugs.

It must have taken alot to write that.
I hope it helps just a little bit.

Can i say what holds me up smile to kind of stop people feeling so bad for me?

I think everyone goes through things for a reason.

The reason i went through this, is because hopefully i can make a difference, one day, something i've said will change something, because i'm not yelling about it or wishing people dead ect.. i know complaints i made during my own experience have changed things already for a number of people, i made HEAPS and a lot of them have led on to positive changes in the system, i didn't just complain from a parent pov, i did from DD's, and DS, and even the social workers'.

Also, twice while i was coming home from contact, where i wouldn't have been if it wasn't for this, i met people in need of my help, who wouldn't have had anyone if it wasn't for me. One was an old lady who i travelled with on a bus to make sure she got home safely.
The other was a (am i allowed to say downs syndrome?) SN man coming home from college, he had missed the coach, and gone for a wander. I took him to the police station, where they called his mum, she literally rugby tackled me to say thank you and out of relief.. never been hugged and kissed so much in my life lol.

I was meant to be there, in that place, at that time, thats what i hold on to smile

SadPunk Tue 09-Oct-12 01:20:09

Wow you sound like a force to be reckoned with, it's shameful that family courts in this country are still closed. It's my worst nightmare to have ss in my life, not because I think they are evil or baby snatchers, but because once they do enter your life you do seem to become so powerless, they were involved with my sibling and her children so I do have some <second hand> experience.

That documentary about cp on the BBC was quite illuminating, also the midwifery one.

So so sorry to hear you went through all this, hopefully life will be on the up and up, your Daughter will mature and hopefully on hearing the full story of what happened will in time realise that you fought as hard as you could.

Bit disappointed that MN had to issue a <this poster is not a troll> message, just goes to show that speaking out against any kind of establishment is a tough thing to do and a lot of people will think you are lying.

I know, am glad MN is such an open place with good and thoughtful admins smile
i understand the thread being reported, there are a lot of SW's on here, there are things that people might think would identify me in RL (err thats why i have a profile lol) and some of the stuff may have been triggering.

Family court being closed means i could possibly if they decided to push the issue and figure out who i am, slap me in for 28 days for contempt of court but its rare, thats a threat they often used in the time before you were allowed to disclose even to family what was going on, let alone a mckenzie friend.
Besides they know if that happened, like the time i was accused of threatening the SW, i would say that i'd be more than happy to go to court because it would be open, (criminal court) and i'd get reporters there to hear what i was accused of, and i'd self rep so i could tell my story.
That prospect frightens them too much.

Family courts being open, is only a small part of it. Every and all meetings and suchlike should be recorded like at a police station.
There you stand a chance of losing your liberty, in this type of case, your children. I know which i'd rather do.

Speaking out against any kind of establishment is hard but people do it, and they win. The only thing they can hope for as a 'prize' is change for the better.

I have heaps of respect for FASSIT UK, John Hemming who i believe posts on this forum i think would do a better job if he wasn't so OTT but that's just me, and there are the odd 'burn SW's at the stake' people who are undoubtedly suffering upset and anguish, but thankfully they are few and far between because that helps no one.

Lastly, DD now knows that i never said i loved her and wanted her home because i was told not to, this caused a few tears because she believed i didn't. I haven't shown her the actual paperwork but i have shown her the volume of it, in boxes, and the diaries i kept, so she knows i fought long and hard.
It hurts a bit she can't think of me as 'mum' but understandable.

DS1 knows i fought, he was there, and although i tried not to let it show, the pain and exhaustion often reared its head, and the upset i felt that he had no relationship with his sister, despite only being 5, the SS actually said 'DD is our responsibility, we can not take DS' feelings into consideration' Bastards.. they caused DS untold distress and emotional harm. He has said as soon as he hits 18 he wants to speak to a solicitor. I will support him in that if that's what he wants to do.

SadPunk Tue 09-Oct-12 02:15:00

Tbh things, if I had been through even half of what you have I would probably be a "burn the sw" poster too,not hard to see why some people are bitter, I have seen some of John Hemmings' posts on here and he doesn't really come across very well, the whole kitten thing, I mean hmm.

There is another poster who always turns up for these threads too, surprised she is not here already, telling you, you are mistaken.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 09-Oct-12 02:57:53

NN you mean? I've banned her from my post lol

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 09-Oct-12 03:10:28

No, john hemmings COULD be a very useful man really .. i have met him, and while it's nice to have someone in a 'position of power' available to help, one with a personal axe to grind who actually not only grinds it but rubs the edge while cackling is next to useless, sorry john if you read this but you do come across as a bit batty sometimes hmm

I can't be a 'burn the SW' as one that we had (lady who nearly lost her job for sticking up for us) who then actually got assigned to us when dd was returned as chair of the case conference, was an absolutely wonderful woman and i am proud to have known her. We also got a soft touch male SW and he was funny, kind and fantastic in that you didn't see him as an SW.
Another male SW (see the pattern building up here) who came to close DS1's case as being the brother of a child in care he was automatically a 'child in need in the area' - not that it ever helped him being under that umbrella - sat and listened to my tearful full story and gave me the phone numbers of two solicitors he described as 'bloody fantastic and would make me shit myself if i knew they were on the case' and stated he was 'sickened' by our case, he is now on my FB smile
The leaving care team, two wonderful ladies smile
The SW who dealt with us during my PG with DS2 and also following DS2's dad assaulting me, she was good too, very caring, but she disappeared without trace as soon as the case conference was over, never to be seen again, i don't even know if DS2 is on or off the CPR?

Anyway i digress, all in all, the list of GOOD is bigger than the list of the bad and the ugly.
I think you should be able to say 'sorry but there is a clash of personality with me and 'this' sw could our family be assigned another one' that alone could save so much conflict and upset/aggression from feeling judged ect.

Runnerlegs Tue 09-Oct-12 14:06:48

I totally believe you and am inspired by your strength. My story is very different and yet have found myself at a complete loss at those who make decisions or are influencial in doing so in relation to children and their wellbeing. I am now in my 6th year (£30k legal costs to date plus loss of career/loans etc) of court cases trying to keep my DD safe from her DF! I have come across such ignorance, rudeness and downright unprofessionalism. I have had to fight tooth and nail, now feel completely untrusting of those involved and find the whole system a farce. Your story has inspired me to keep fighting for my DD's wellbeing! I did have to complain about a contact centre and its staff who had systematically put DD and others at risk through negligence (letting a pissed DF into the centre). I was threatened with legal action by the centre!!!!!! I wrote to Cafcass to report my complaint...they didnt reply....then when I got NACCC involved and had so much evidence they couldnt refuse to close the centre down!!! I think you have reminded me of the importance of complaining!!! They make you feel like you can't...that you can't risk them not liking you...but now I , once again, think fuck it, youve got to speak up!!!!! Thank you and all the best to you and your family smile

Runnerlegs Tue 09-Oct-12 14:09:21

Oh and CAFCASS have said that they have 'accidentally shredded' all of the evidence and reports from our previous case....all of the evidence which states that ExP poses a 'significant risk' to DD.
They asked me to send them copies of their own reports!!!!! GRRRRRRRRR

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 09-Oct-12 21:37:43

Glad i've helped someone smile

I felt the same about complaining too, upsetting someone more powerful than you, but IMO they gave me the chance to not be worried when they made it clear they wouldn't return DD after the psychological assessment

So when you have nothing left to lose, are you not gonna raise hell?
I complained about every move they made, cafcass, SS.. i did so not because i wanted to cause trouble but because every single move they made was wrong

It was like a circus, i don't know how those people could be responsible for removing children, one lady i had could barely speak english (she was a nice lady though but conversation limited) and DD hated her.

Everything they do wrong, complain, and don't let them fob you off, take it to the highest level and keep a copy of every complaint.
I sat one night filling in dozens of their forms smile

The key is, when they do something RIGHT, comment on it, compliment them if you think its worthy.

They used to say if you exhausted their complaints procedure you could go to the ombudsman. They used to solve mine at base level, the complaints team saw more of me than my own mother did.. a couple that they didn't solve they came all 'prove it' which is disgraceful, they operate on hearsay and remove kids on the weight of the balance of 'probabilities' but don't apply them same to themselves.

Accidental shredding hmm yeah righty ho, did they tell you this after a data protection act request?

The contact centre .. pfft .. they couldn't legally fight their way out of a wet paper bag. When the snake incident happened snort with laughter i had letters banning me from the centre and threatening me with court, some waffle about salmonella, and frightening the staff <innocent look>

I'd stare them in the face and say 'Do IT, take me to court, i need a laugh' then pointed out that they had degus in a cage in the centre hmm of course i also said afterwards (because there was no longer a contact centre we could go to we had more worthy contact for a tween, in a better place) that if i knew it was that easy to get rid of a contact place that was boring i'd bring a snake more often smile Joking of course..

Oh my god how could i also forget, the snake incident reminded me so i'm not drip feeding, two weeks before, at the second contact at the centre, (DD had had a broken arm from an accident at her nannas and had to have an operation because both forearm bones were broken)
She had just had her arm taken out of plaster the week before (the appointment to which i wasn't invited)

She clung to me at the end of contact, crying and begging me not to let her go. She refused to put her shoes on. The SW stood there checking her watch, and started saying 'Come on DD don't be silly, its time to go, say goodbye to mummy,' and then 'If you don't behave you won't see mummy again'
I was gobsmacked.
Anyway i consoled DD and said, if you get on my back, i'll give you a ride to the car, and i promise i'll be here for the contact at the end of the week.
She carried on sniffling and sobbing, but started to let me put her shoes on, clinging to my neck all the time.
The SW waited until DD's shoes were on (i was knelt on the floor) then she leant over me, grabbed DD's wrist, and started to pull her towards the door. The centre staff were watching. DD started screaming 'mommy' and then tripped and fell, the SW carried on pulling even though she knew DD had fallen, and dragged her across the wire matting (the type you wipe your feet on in public buildings) I yelled at the centre staff, 'aren't you going to stop her?' not one of them moved.. then i became aware that DD's legs were bleeding, and that was IT.. i came out of the stunned shock i was in, and ran over to them, grabbed the SW and hissed, let go of DD NOW or i'll make you regret the day you were born.. she released her. Half an hour later, DD finally got in the car with her after being cajoled and hugged and reassured.

I am sincerely glad and i mean GLAD the snake thing happened, although it wasn't purposeful, it taught the old bag a lesson. The memory of DD waving the snake at her, with her trying to climb the wall because there was only one window in the room, screaming and finally pissing herself, will make me chuckle till the end of my days.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 09-Oct-12 21:40:36

Sorry so i forgot to say, she dragged DD by the wrist on the arm that was broken, and DD's arm looked swollen and deformed afterwards, no one took her to hospital to get it checked, DD remembers that to this day..

Physically abused by a SW as well as emotionally abused.. 'you wont see your mummy ever again'

HanSolo Tue 09-Oct-12 23:05:31

ThingsthatmakeyougoHmm- 3.5-4 years ago you were in a violent relationship, suffering DV from the father of your now 3.7yo DS. Do you think this contributed to SS not returning your DD to you at all?

Many, many MNers were concerned about you btw, really worried for you- I am sure they would be glad to know you are alive and well smile thanks

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 09-Oct-12 23:46:22

No honey that was after all the court case and care order was granted, i wasn't even with DP then.
It wasn't a 'violent' relationship per se, he was being an arsehole, and was being psychologically abusive, i didn't realise it was because he was cheating.. when i found out and confronted him then left, he followed me from the house and attacked me, the reason they (SS) even got involved was because it was a particularly violent assault, plus the fact it was in front of little DS sad and there was also that i had left the property and he had chased me to harm me rather than accepting i had left IYSWIM.

I cooperated fully with them and have said often that they were fantastic and caring, everything that should have happened with DD.
This is why i don't agree with the 'burn em/line em all up against the wall' brigade.

Our experience basically boils down to a bad apple SW, thats the bare bones of it.

And thank you, for remembering me smile thanks Everything is better now than it was, not perfect but a lot lot better x

Runnerlegs Wed 10-Oct-12 08:14:53

Can I ask...what was the worst part? The actual chain of events (ie the horrific things that happened to you) or the fact that no one was listening and you were not believed?

For me, I could and can just about deal with the 'actual' problem, the physical and emotional abuse against me and my DD, not that I am in any way cheapening the events or their impact, but it is almost like being abused twice, once by the perpetrator and then worse again by the relevant authorities. The thing that keeps me awake most nights is the frustration of not being heard!

Even when all of your fears are confirmed by the professionals, 2 years later they lose all of the evidence/change the SS, Cafcass worker, Judge and its back to square one....trying to convince people of the facts!

It is the injustice of that ..... it is so wearing and wrong! At one point i begged SS to get involved with us as I was having to fight it all alone and was terrified, they said that as I was a 'good mum' they werent interested!!! Reading your story, I now thank god that they werent interested!!!!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 10-Oct-12 15:34:48

Oh my love they also told me that i was a good mum and they didn't need to help me and DD, i knew i needed help and kept asking and asking, we, well, DD, only got the help she needed once she was in care, and because she didn't want to be there, she refused to engage with the very expensive counsellor, that offer of counselling and the cost was the only reason i agreed to the CO being granted .. no doubt one day that will be used against me, that the order was granted by consent, but it was a 'wisdom of solomon' moment, either i carried on fighting for DD, or let her go and allowed her to get proper help, well i figured that she needed the help more, because her life would extend far beyond the small part she would spend with me.
Really i wish that we had struggled and limped through the problems we had rather than ask for help, i wish i hadn't pushed the issue when they cut us loose following the court case, but thats something i will kick myself for for the rest of my life, including allowing them to take her into temp Fc, and when they were saying they would return her, not saying 'tonight please' instead insisting that i had offers of help including the support worker to visit every day, in writing so we wouldn't be let down again, because that gave the cafcass officer time to put the blockers on things.
The guilt is enormous sad

It IS like being abused twice, you are right, and i know you're not minimising the abuse you suffered. The whole thing nearly finished me off so yes, i agree that its incredibly wearing sad
I also see your point about the change of SW, it keeps you constantly on the back foot, but i understand in my case that it went on for a long time, and with the high turnover of SW's, i was bound to (well DD was) be allocated a fair few.

One thing i didn't like was that DD and DS got allocated the same SW, the one who accused me, she refused DS contact with his Dsis, so his best interests were obviously not considered. I finally had a brakthrough when a male SS practitioner was allocated to the case alongside one of the SW's, she was awful, he was great, and he dealt with DS's kind of side, as well as mine, as DD hated her he was eventually left as the only SW on the case.. when he left i was devastated, but then our angel came along and saw us through to the end of the case. He and the last SW were the reason i had my faith restored in them, and actually sat by her in the court smile my solicitor had to come and drag me away LOL.

I will also remember the one thing they did, at the interim care order hearings, they said they had spoken to my counsellor, not realising i was still seeing him, i asked him about it and he had a blue fit.. they hadn't contacted him at all. He phoned the SW while i was there and they stopped saying from then that they had spoken to him.

The lies, omg the lies were thick and fast and huge, big fat ones.

All i can say is make a data protection act request, the evidence they say they lost or destroyed by accident, you should report and make a formal complaint to the ombudsman, because under the data protection act they should keep your info safe and correct. You will get most of the paperwork, and your DD (i'm not 100% on this though) should make one too, for her own, depending on her age you might get all the PW pertaining to your family, without any omissions apart from other individuals names being blanked out and stuff like that.
Will cost about £10, and take about six weeks. You may be in a better position then to see where you go from there.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 10-Oct-12 16:54:00

Anyone struggling or experiencing the same, i recommend the FASSIT website and Justice For Families As sadly support is lacking for the parents going through this.

Always make sure you have someone with you when the SW visits, and at meetings you are allowed a mckenzie friend, to help take notes, keep you calm, ect.

Also, if your SW is known for fibbing or being nasty, fabricating things, anything, i also suggest you get a voice recorder and do not tell the SW that you are recording them. It can not be used as evidence in court but often when you play it back you will find useful things on there that went over your head while they were there. Take it with you into meetings too.
Don't tell them you are doing this, they don't like to be recorded. People with things to hide or who say things they shouldn't rarely do.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 15-Oct-12 01:47:15

runnerlegs This may be interesting for you (in light of the cafcass reports being lost or destroyed) and you may wish to send it to them and any other agency you are involved with or have been in the past.

If your DC is non gillick competent add that as the parent of a non gillick competent child you are also allowed to ask for the paperwork on their behalf.

Dear Sir or Madam,

Ref: Subject Access Request
Name of your DC and yourself

I am writing to request that you forward me a copy of all data held by your organisation about me for both current and closed cases.

As well as my current address, previous addresses that may have been attached to this case include: [enter details of any previous addresses you have had whilst being a service user].

This request should include any data held for more than 6 years as under the Data Protection Act there is no time limit for information requested. If you do not hold data for a period longer than 6 years I also request confirmation of this in writing along with your methods used for disposal of such information to comply with the Data Protection Act stating the name and contact information of your registered Data Controller and Code Compliance Officer.

I look forward to your response within 40 days, as [insert name of organisation] is obliged to reply within this time under the Data Protection Act. If not I shall seek remedy from the Information Commissioner. [Delete this last part if not relevant] I enclose the statutory maximum fee of £10.

Yours faithfully,

[insert your signature]

[insert your name (printed)]

Runnerlegs Tue 16-Oct-12 13:00:20

very helpful thank you xx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 17-Oct-12 02:03:54

No problem i really hope it helps you, you always find interesting stuff in there and the fee (£10) is well worth spending .. be prepared to have a lot more than you thought to pick up x

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 29-Nov-12 17:59:21
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 29-Nov-12 18:00:16

Expose the Tyrants of Child Protection
The Sun – Jane Moore Twitter @JaneMooreSun 28th November 2012
It can no longer be ignored by those who purport to be in charge of this country that something is deeply rotten at the core of Britain’s Social Services.
Believe me, the case of the three Eastern European children removed from a loving home because their foster parents were members of UKIP is just the tip of the iceberg.
Lurking below in the murky depths of our ferociously secretive ‘’ care ‘’ system , will be hundreds if not thousands of similar cases where a gross abuse of power has helped to destroy the lives of the very youngsters it was set up to protect.
Hopefully they will now rise above the surface : expose the ugly, playing-God mindset , and prompt a dramatic overhaul of these tin-pot dictatorships more reminiscent of Stalinist Russia than a democracy.
Babies forced in adoption after being taken from mothers on a mere suspicion of ‘’ future emotional abuse ‘’, fathers and paternal relatives denied access to children on nothing more than maternal hearsay, and prospective well-meaning fosterers and adopters subjected to the ridiculously stringent political correctness that is making the headlines right now.
All concluded under a cloak of secrecy that claims to be in the interests of the children involved but all too conveniently protects the increasingly warped system itself.
Don’t get me wrong : There are plenty of frontline social workers doing a fantastic job in often deeply challenging sometimes harrowing circumstances.
That they are so poorly paid indicates that their motives for choosing to do it are well-intended.
But even they must be despairing of the lucrative industry that has sprung up around what was once the noble and pure intent to protect children but has seemingly morphed into the far uglier whiff of political or financial self-interest.
Roger Stone, the Labour leader of Rotherham council, says that while membership of UKIP should not prevent someone from fostering, this was a ‘’ complex ‘’ case (aren’t they all?) involving legal advice and an external agency responsible for finding the foster carers. Sounds expensive.
It could well be an outfit like the National Fostering Agency, set up by two former social workers in 1995 and sold earlier this year to venture capitalists Graphite for an eye-watering £130 million.
And by the way, it’s only the UK’s second biggest private fostering business.
In other words, there’s money in them there ills.
Then there’s the outreach workers , the ‘’ experts ‘’ paid to provide statements to the courts, the state’s legal advisors , the ‘’ independent ‘’ legal advisors the guardians, the police workers, the court officials etc etc . All with a vested interest in ‘’ child protection ‘’.
Little wonder then that, according to a Children in Need census, in 2007 the number of children and young people who were the subject to a Child Protection Plan was 27,900.
In April 2011, it was 42,700.
Plenty of those will be genuine cases where the work of social services has proved vital, in the spirit of its original ethos to act in the interests of the children.
But all to many will be based on nothing more than an unfounded suspicion , plunging one or both parents into a Kafka- esque nightmare, a punishment without crime.
And worst of all, those who suffer most are the children, emotionally damaged by the actions of self-interested zealots who affect to ‘’ care ‘’.
We are used to case-centric inquires such as the one surrounding the Baby P scandal but it’s now time to shine a torch into the dark, secretive corners of the entire system to try to make its work and objectives more transparent while still maintaining anonymity for the vulnerable.

moonfacebaby Thu 29-Nov-12 19:27:59

Hmmm - your post moved me to tears, not just because if what you & your family have been through, but also your incredible strength & determination to continue to fight in the face of such ineptitude. You are truly inspirational - an absolute diamond!

Wishing you & your family lots of happiness for your future. Take care x

5hounds Thu 29-Nov-12 19:28:17

Ttmugh sad im so sorry for what you and your daughter have been through, I have been through similar and wish I new how to send you a PM, its a subject I havnt told people through fear of been judged. I lost my little boy aged 2, through lies from social services and devious family members. I miss him every min of every day and seeing someone I regarded as close to me now calling themselves mummy via fb hurts like hell.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 30-Nov-12 00:12:09

Thank you so much moon, and hounds x
Hounds, if you are fb, click on the link in my post at 17:59, join that group it is full of people that have been through, and still going through, what i can only describe as 'hell' and i am so sorry you lost your little one you will get a lot of support on there x

MrsBungleBear Fri 30-Nov-12 16:15:40

I just want to say Things that you sound very strong and brave. What a story you have. What cruel things have happened to you and your family. I so hope that from now on life is everything you want it to be with no more pain and trauma. You are an inspiration.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 01-Dec-12 02:32:01

Thanks MrsBungleBear, love the name smile We're fine now, preparing to sue smile DD is happy to go forward with it, and i'll be dealing with most of it as i was worried about it impacting on her, its about time she had a normal life but don't want them getting away with what they have done.
After that, i'll do my best to support others going through the same thing.

Thank you for your kind comments smile thanks

weregoingtothezoo Sat 01-Dec-12 04:20:49

I've just found this. Also in the middle of hell at the moment, but can't give too much detail. Thank you for your story. I hope my DD comes home - I doubt it. My beautiful, clever, happy, bright little one. There seems to be no support - current SW is a nightmare.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 01-Dec-12 04:27:08

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 29-Nov-12 17:59:21

Stolen Children In The UK
if you're on FB, go up ^ and click on the Stolen children in the UK link for a supportive group x So many people going through this sad sorry to hear xx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 03-Jan-13 00:14:53

Follow up : Sorry for bumping ancient post.. smile

DD is due to be looked at by a Paediatrician soon because there is a possibility that she suffered a broken wrist which she didn't get medical attention for despite asking the FC to take her to hospital, FC told her it was just a sprain (no medical experience) and allowed her to cry herself to sleep at night with the pain. In the past few weeks the joint has been hurting her sad

All other paperwork ready so waiting on the result of this (an xray to see if she has an old injury improperly healed) plus examination, then we can press forward with consulting the solicitor.

I hope everyone is well x

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 00:36:12

Things I beheading to sleep now have a nb.

I have been on a thread with you before and will read all your story over next few days.

As the blameless parent of a child victim I am disgusted with social services and can well imagine how this happened.

I am so sorry for all you and dd have been through and also ds separated from his sister.

CuddlyBlanket Thu 03-Jan-13 01:11:34

OP just read till you and dd 18 got back.

I believe you both.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 03-Jan-13 01:35:00

Oh Izzy congrats thanks

So pleased to hear! I bet you're exhausted xx Speak to you soon smile

Cuddly, thank you smile I actually feel rotten about all this, i feel like i'm looking like i'm rubbing my hands together 'they've done something else to DD' but i feel hollowed out.. they were supposed to be looking after her..?

The SW i spoke to sounded resigned when i told her i wanted the tests done ASAP as she said 'They know you are coming for them, and from what i know, they deserve all they get, i'm sorry for how your family has been treated.'

The bundle i've put together reads like a catalogue of abuse hmm

New things have come out now me and DD have had chance to speak to one another. Poor DD. I'm proud of her.

On a better note, i am 'Mum' now and get hugs (albeit awkward ones lol)

I just don't ever want anyone else going through this.

fassit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:23:47

I am going through hell with lies with ss and am trying help the person running this site below who had nightmares as well. We are trying to collate lists of 'good solicitors- legal aid' who are not corrupt. If any of you know of any please pm so I can get a list going for the site. Any other ideas please let me know. This is going to be m mission in life to help anyone I can....

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 10-Feb-13 15:48:17

Good solicitor.. Sarah Tierney, Glaysiers, Birmingham. She is honest and forthright and doesn't be gentle on the 'opposition' lol

FarBetterNow Sun 10-Feb-13 16:22:17

I have no wise words.
Lots of Love to you.
Life can be so unfair for some.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 11-Feb-13 14:00:45

This comment : And the best bit is, they have designed the system so you can't complain. I made a long list of complaints to the Council, they refused to answer them because it might "prejudice the outcome of the current proceedings" but also made sure my complaint letter got added to my paperwork and intend to use it as further evidence of my unwillingness to accept the judge's "facts" about me. I referred it to the Ombudsman, and yesterday got told that they also can't investigate it because of court proceedings. And of course when the proceedings are over I can't put my complaint in again either.
: Pretty much sums up the position i'm in now, i can't make complaints again, can't make them on DD's behalf, she just wants nothing to do with them, and i can't blame her, but how do i tell her its now or never with these complaints due to time limits.. they will get away with what they have done because they have traumatised her.

And yesterday i found out that from the age of 12 she has been self harming sad They never told me, only found out because she has recently started doing it again after a two year break, because she's feeling bullied at college. I have dealt with it, but her lack of social confidence and skills keeps leading her back into the same corner sad

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