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got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!

(364 Posts)
CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Sep-12 16:50:04

help!!!!

DreamingofSummer Mon 24-Sep-12 16:51:49

Don't pick your nose

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 16:52:27

Where are you off to, and who with?

cheesestrung Mon 24-Sep-12 16:52:45

Ohh, how did you meet him? where are you going?

CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Sep-12 16:55:01

He's a paramedic, met him in A&E the other night when a friend's husband was taken ill. Been texting on and off over the weekend.

Meeting tonight in a pub and then going on to eat something, but not meeting til 9.30

I'll try not to pick my nose but I'm worried about farting grin

Apocalypto Mon 24-Sep-12 17:14:50

With the farting you should be OK as long as there are no candles nearby. If there are and you do find yourself engulfed in sheets of anal flame, well, he is a paramedic.

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 17:16:36

Oh that's fab, at least you have met each other before and aren't going in 'blind'.
If you won't be eating until that late, make sure and eat something light beforehand, maybe at about 6.30-ish, just in case you decide to stay and have a few drinks and never manage to get out for something to eat - getting bladdered on a first date might not be good!

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 17:16:42

Oh that's fab, at least you have met each other before and aren't going in 'blind'.
If you won't be eating until that late, make sure and eat something light beforehand, maybe at about 6.30-ish, just in case you decide to stay and have a few drinks and never manage to get out for something to eat - getting bladdered on a first date might not be good!

CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Sep-12 17:33:00

Just had a cheese toastie, lol

oh gawd.. I dunno what to wear!

Jeans with nice top
Tailored shorts and blazer, with opaques underneath
or a dress?

maleview70 Mon 24-Sep-12 17:43:53

Blokes view- option 1.

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 17:45:04

Where are you going to eat? Pub, or restaurant? What were you wearing when you met him?

OhWesternWind Mon 24-Sep-12 17:46:55

I would go for Jeans and nice top too, not too dressed up, keep the make up fairly light too. Loads of good luck and enjoy it!

CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Sep-12 18:01:09

I think a restaurant.. most pubs stop doing food by 9ish don't they? He's coming from scuba diving to meet me!

I was wearing a vivien of holloway halter dress when we met.. so very dressed up.. that's what got us talking cos he thought I was into rock n roll and jiving and stuff

oh gaaaaaaaaaawd!!!

ok.. so black skinnies, black top with lacy bits, patent loafers and a biker jacket?

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 18:04:55

Can you do heels with that outfit?

CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Sep-12 18:09:19

yeah I could but not immense ones cos I'll break my neck, lol

bit of silver jewellery with it?

very well done for having the foresight to pick up a bloke while in A&E - you deserve a good night for that! smile

I would personally go for the shorts and blazer

izzyizin Mon 24-Sep-12 18:29:23

Sounds promising, Crispy. Medics usually have a stash of black humoured amusing tales to tell and he'll be no stranger to the odd stiff or 10, plus he enjoys going down exploring hidden depths grin

Let him do the talking and listen carefully to what he's saying as men always reveal who they are within the first date or 2.

CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Sep-12 21:11:30

izzy, he's definitely a man with a story.. very intriguing but my twat radar is on full beam. One thing in his favour is that hes the same age as me, my last two relationships were 13 and 10 years younger respectively, lol

I went with the shorts, chiffon blouse, opaques and loafers (in case I need to scarper) in the end, just with some diamond ear studs

izzyizin Mon 24-Sep-12 21:20:04

You're going for an older man and playing the role of ingenue this time? Could be a wise decision, Crispy.

Have a great time and don't forget the essential post-date no holds barred update grin

wednesdaygirl Mon 24-Sep-12 21:29:03

Enjoy grin

swooosh Tue 25-Sep-12 04:58:20

Well?

izzyizin Tue 25-Sep-12 05:23:59

The vultures are gathering well-wishers are agog to know how it went, Crispy grin

Marking my place to hear the gory details

izzyizin Tue 25-Sep-12 06:57:45

<<wonders if he took Crispy home to see his snorkel oxygen tank>>

lovemydogs Tue 25-Sep-12 08:34:51

me too me too lol!!! x

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 08:48:01

spill lady

kinkyfuckery Tue 25-Sep-12 10:13:10

Come on, I have to go out in an hour! taps foot impatiently

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 11:37:24

It did not end well sad

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 11:41:06

I'll post properly later. Have to go out now.

smoothieooo Tue 25-Sep-12 11:44:22

oh noooo! What happened???

DreamingofSummer Tue 25-Sep-12 11:48:40

I told you not to pick your nose

get back here hedgehog! tease

if i can't live an exciting life vicariously through mumsnet where can I?

Viking1 Tue 25-Sep-12 12:11:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicholasTeakozy Tue 25-Sep-12 12:20:28

Hard lines Crispy. sad Onwards and upwards.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 12:20:45

very full on and intense.. too much so. Hugging and touching me like we'd been together for years.

He insisted on taking me home, asked to use the loo.. hwo the fuck am I so stupid

I had made it very clear from the outset that I wasn't up for sex this early in the relationship and he said I din't have to be old fashioned with him and did it anyway sad

ScrambledSmegs Tue 25-Sep-12 12:24:09

Just stumbled onto your thread - Crispy, are you saying what I think you're saying? And if so have you spoken to the police?

(((((hugs)))))

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 12:25:50

whaaat crispy, what are you saying ?

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 12:27:14

havent spoken to anyoen
i can't say it

Viking1 Tue 25-Sep-12 12:28:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 25-Sep-12 12:29:58

Phone rape crisis. They'll understand, even if you can't say it. They really will make you feel so much better - if only because they know what you are feeling without you needing to express it.

You don't need to talk about it with them...you make mundane conversation, or they can talk to you about next steps, or you can talk about it if you want too. It's up to you entirely...

Please phone them, or if not, phone the police. They can help more than you imagine.

Rape crisis - 0808 802 9999

ScrambledSmegs Tue 25-Sep-12 12:30:58

Jesus, crispy that's awful sad

It's not your fault. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. He's the one that should be bloody ashamed.

You really need to speak to someone in rl. If you can, please call the police and report him. He's in a position of trust, as Viking says.

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Tue 25-Sep-12 12:31:53

oh no crispy, just read the thread. Are you ok? Can you speak to someone?

wednesdaygirl Tue 25-Sep-12 12:33:44

���� poor you xxx

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 12:34:39

I dont hink he thinks he did wrong. i think he thinks i was doing the no no no.. but realy meaning yes thing sad He ws nice as pie afterwards

i cna'ttalk to anyone, no yet

Viking1 Tue 25-Sep-12 12:35:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertramBertram Tue 25-Sep-12 12:37:13

Even if you were doing the 'no, no, no' thing - it is STILL a no.

Please report x

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 12:41:43

I have pm'ed you crispy x

ScrambledSmegs Tue 25-Sep-12 12:42:07

There is no way that he doesn't realise what he's done. He does know what he did, and how bad it was. He was just trying to minimise it, make you feel like you were in the wrong angry.

Please, call Rape Crisis. You don't have to talk about it, but they will be there for you and have advice. And they will listen.

gingerpig Tue 25-Sep-12 12:43:06

Jesus that's awful, you poor thing. sad

i know its hard, but try not to feel ashamed or guilty over something HE has done to you. please call rape crisis, dont let him get away with it. sad

Tamoo Tue 25-Sep-12 12:43:32

Sadly a lot of rapists are 'nice as pie' afterwards. If you said no and/or made it clear you didn't want to, and he did it anyway, then what he did was abhorrent as well as illegal.

kinkyfuckery Tue 25-Sep-12 12:46:34

Of fucking hell you poor girl.

You have to speak to someone. Do you have a friend/family member who can be with you just now?

ProphetOfDoom Tue 25-Sep-12 12:50:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 13:00:50

Thanks everyone, I'll be back later.

Ive got to put a normal face on and go see to my elderly mum.

NaiceSpam Tue 25-Sep-12 13:07:40

Oh my God! Crispy! shock

God, you poor thing - please come back and talk to us. This is appalling. I'm so sorry.

oh no crispy - i am sooooo upset for you

please speak to someone in rl who can help you with this

DreamingofSummer Tue 25-Sep-12 13:56:21

Of fuck crispy Sorry to have been flippant earlier.

Call the police and get the bastard off the streets

Lueji Tue 25-Sep-12 14:04:36

I agree.

Do go to the police.
And A&E for a rape kit. STD check in order?

Loads of hugs.

Doha Tue 25-Sep-12 15:08:08

Oh Crispy
Please go to police love-you were raped. Gather your thoughts together-is there anyone in RL you can confide in.

You do need an STI check, please look after yourself

tzella Tue 25-Sep-12 15:11:48

What the hell grin I feel sick for you grin

tzella Tue 25-Sep-12 15:12:12

OH GOD! Those were went to be shock, not grin! Oh god

swooosh Tue 25-Sep-12 18:06:16

Crispy you NEED to go to the police. As a person who works in a similar career as him it's VERY serious, imagine if he was working alone in a fast response. What if it happens to somebody else?

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 18:52:44

Crispy just needs to get her head together for now. Right at this minute her only responsibility is to herself, (and her old mum).

Hope you are ok, crispy. Come back when you can x

CrispyHedgehog Tue 25-Sep-12 20:51:56

I'm okish. Seeing gp in the morning. Thanks all of you xxx

ProphetOfDoom Tue 25-Sep-12 20:56:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 21:01:16

Take care, crispy x

izzyizin Tue 25-Sep-12 21:37:28

Aw, jeez, Crispy sad Inadequate but sincerely meant (((hugs))).

Given his employment, he's got a constant and ever-changing pool of women to hone in on and I suspect he's done this before and it's probable that the vast majority of his victims haven't complained to the police for fear they wouldn't be believed - after all, he's a 'paramedic' and a man who spends his working life helping others and saving lives couldn't possibly be a rapist, could he?

I hope you know, and believe with every fibre of your being, that nothing you could have said or done last night would have changed the outcome and, no matter what you may have said or done, you are not responsible in any way for what he did to you.

My heart goes out to you, honey. Your world has been turned upside down and you've now got to concern yourself with doctors and health checks and other matters that you certainly didn't bargain on having to deal with this week.

Take care of yourself and know that you'll always find rock solid support here.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 25-Sep-12 22:01:01

Glad you're going to talk to someone. Take care of yourself, Crispy x

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Tue 25-Sep-12 22:08:26

Oh my god, you poor thing. Here I was all jealous of you with your lovely clothes and your date and then that fucker ruined everything. What a bastard. I hope you're alright and I hope you report him.

aleene Tue 25-Sep-12 22:24:35

Crispy, I'm so sorry. And very angry on your behalf.

I think the 'nice as pie' behaviour means he comes under the term 'gentleman rapist' (disclaimer; I don't know much more than that, just reading on MN).

I hope you get medical and police help. Wishing you lots of strength.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 25-Sep-12 23:05:22

I'm so sorry Crispy. What he did was wrong.

Well done on booking a GP appointment tomorrow.

izzyizin Tue 25-Sep-12 23:45:20

I was so horrified to learn how your evening ended that I didn't properly read your earlier response and have only done so now.

very full on and intense.. too much so. Hugging and touching me like we'd been together for years

This is extremely cunning behaviour designed to show, if he were to be brought to account by the law, that he was out with the victim not long before he allegedly raped her and, as no doubt numerous bar/restaurant staff can testify, the victim was laughing and joking with him and was clearly not objecting to his physical attentions to her before they left the venue(s).

I don't suspect any longer. I know that this man is well-practised and he's raped women on numerous occasions. In short, he's serial rapist and he's not going to stop anytime soon.

If you can't bring yourself to report him, Crispy, maybe we can find a way to warn others.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 26-Sep-12 00:10:40

I know that this man is well-practised and he's raped women on numerous occasions.

Er, how the fuck do you know? You don't and none of us do.

So sorry for you OP. Your date sounds like a nightmare. If you had sex forced on you that you didn't want, you need to get professional help asap. Don't waste your time on MN, much as there are lots of lovely helpful people on here you are better off getting some support from Rape Crisis and going to the police right now.

All the best.x

izzyizin Wed 26-Sep-12 00:16:25

I do not intend to reveal my credentials here, Tired but if you want to believe that this man is anything other than an habitual rapist that's entirely up to you and you can go proclaim his innocence from the rooftops.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 26-Sep-12 00:26:48

I have no idea whether this man habitually rapes women and nor do you. I do not 'believe' anything either way, because I have no information. I wouldn't proclaim someone's innocence from the rooftops without any information any more than I would proclaim their guilt.

You'd be well advised to follow my example. And I think you are wise keeping schtum about your 'credentials' ;)

izzyizin Wed 26-Sep-12 01:03:18

Follow your example, Tired? Do you mean that I should continually stalk take issue with other responders if their views do not accord with my own?

This is the second time in little more than 24 hours that you have seen fit to decry and deride responses I have given to OPs and it is the last time that I will engage with with on the subject of your tendency to shout others down in order to big yourself up.

Although it appears to have escaped your notice, this thread contains a wealth of information about the man who raped the OP last night but, presumably, you've also missed the part where he perpetrated a sexual assault on her in a manner which suggests this was not his first offence.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Sep-12 07:29:36

tired your aggression is rather jarring on this thread, of all threads

I am sure OP is gratified to see all the support she is receiving, and would be upset to see a bunfight occurring here.

Viking1 Wed 26-Sep-12 08:42:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurnipCake Wed 26-Sep-12 09:36:59

Oh Crispy, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you're ok and somewhere you feel safe.

CrispyHedgehog Wed 26-Sep-12 12:36:03

Thanks everyone.
I really appreciate all your messages, the experience, knowledge and support you share with me is invaluable.

I saw a gp this morning, not my usual one but this one was nice.. gave me valium, told me she believed me and that nothing i had done had caused this. She encouraged me to go to the police, but I'm worried they won't believe me, after all, he's in one of the hero professions isn't he, trusted by everyone? She said they absolutely would and that i might need protecting, given that he knows where i live sad Seeing my own gp tomorrow.

I've to go see the nurse this afternoon for swabs n stuff sad(

He sent me a text last night, thanking me for a lovely evening. Said he's a bit busy the rest of this week but we'll make plans for next week. I didn't answer it.

I'm ok if I'm on my own, it seems that as soon as I see another person I start shaking and sobbing. My house feels dirty and contaminated somehow.. I hate it now. I've got a slightly swollen eye and a grazed cheek, not sure how that happened.

I'm sort of ok, and I know I will be ok again soon. Just got a lot to process right now. I don't know whether to go to the police or not. I know I should, to make sure he can never do this to another person ever again, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through the ordeal, the going to court, being made out to be a liar, havng my whole life questioned etc. I just don't know if i can bear that.

NoMoreFrump Wed 26-Sep-12 12:50:35

Hi Crispy, I don't often post in Relationships but I have delurked because I wanted you to know that you have support here whatever you decide. I don't have any experience of this but I think you are doing the right thing by taking one step at a time, in your own time.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. sad

ScrambledSmegs Wed 26-Sep-12 13:17:40

You're doing brilliantly, Crispy. You don't need to put pressure on yourself to be 'ok' quickly, this isn't like having a cold sad Just take your time, and concentrate on yourself.

The GP sounds very understanding, and sadly I think she's right that you may need protecting. That is one thing that going to the police can bring you. The texts are clearly about him minimising/trying to put a spin on the whole thing. Whoever mentionned 'gentleman rapist' is right, he's a cunning, nasty piece of work.

I don't know very much about police procedure, or the criminal justice system, but I hope that they would treat you with respect and understanding, and not force you into any situation that you couldn't cope with. Hopefully someone with more practical advice and experience will be along soon.

DreamingofSummer Wed 26-Sep-12 14:05:05

Crispy

Cyber hugs! The GP sounds lovely and supportive. Is there anyone else in real life who could support you in going to the police?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Wed 26-Sep-12 14:16:04

I'm so sorry but I think it's vital you go to the police. He is now minimising what happened and acting as though you would see him again. Don't reply to any messages and don't speak to him.

Remember that some people join the 'hero professions' so that they are trusted. They like the power and the knowledge that everyone thinks they're great. He's not the first rapist who's worked in that job and won't be the last. What a vile pig that man is. Please, please make sure that others (ie the police) know what he's done.

LateDeveloper Wed 26-Sep-12 14:32:50

So sorry this happened to you. It is absolutely not your fault. You are a victim of a horrible crime.

I can see why you are not sure about talking to the police - we have all read of cases where the case is not taken forward and the victim is not supported. But even the cps for whatever reason decide not to prosecute they will have his details on file for any previous or future crimes that emerge.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Sep-12 14:34:39

It isn't OP's responsibility to make sure this man never rapes someone again.

OP should only go the police if she feels she can do it, with the support of Rape Crisis if need be. I really hope she can, but if she couldn't I would understand. I didn't report.

LateDeveloper Wed 26-Sep-12 14:43:55

I would completely understand too and certainly didn't want to put any pressure on the op.

I didn't report either but.... I do have some regrets- it was over 20 years ago and similar circumstances, it took me a long long time to admit even to myself what it was.

I didnt report my rape, yes it was a long time ago, but I just couldnt. I totally understand if you dont want to go to the police, only you can decide that.

OP, I`m so sorry, have you got a support network at home? xx

ilovesprouts Wed 26-Sep-12 14:56:16

omg hope u get this sorted x

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Wed 26-Sep-12 14:58:18

Really shocked to see how prevalent rape is. Horrified.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Sep-12 15:00:02

same here, LD. It was the Feminism section here on Mn that helped me see what happened to me in the correct terms. Before that, I had been doing the "victim blaming" stuff.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Sep-12 15:10:36

IB, there was a very long thread in Feminism a little while ago called "small sexual assaults" or something similar. It was chock-full of this kind of stuff, where women had explained away and minimised and blamed themselves. Most of what was shared went unreported.

It's not right and it perpetuates victim-blaming. It's not up to individual women who have undergone such attacks recently though to smash the patriarchal system that supports such men. The whole attitude towards rape victims is changing very slowly but not nearly fast enough. it is still likely OP would have to answer questions like "did you say no loudly enough?", "what were you wearing", why did you invite him into your house" ? etc

I am not trying to put OP off reporting, I hope she does and in all likelihood she will be well-supported, but she needs help in navigating a system that is currently set up against her

OP, this is all getting a bit theoretical. Sorry, one of my soapboxes sad

Love, have you thought about how you are going to react if he persists in messaging you, or turns up at your house ? You need to be prepared for that eventuality, so it doesn't come as a nasty shock. He is invested right now in minimising what he has done, and he won't care if he bulldozes you to reinforce to himself this was a "normal" and consensual encounter

TurnipCake Wed 26-Sep-12 15:44:29

Crispy, it's entirely up to you to decide whether you report this to the police or not, there's no 'have to' about it, the choice is yours.

I never reported my rapist to the police, I just did what I needed to do to feel in control and safe. There's no right or wrong way of dealing with the aftermath of rape, whatever you decide, we will support you here.

vintagewarrior Wed 26-Sep-12 16:57:01

Just offering support here too, I also never reported similar incident 19 years ago, wish I had, but very much understand why you are reluctant, i felt the same.
Massive hugs, thinking of you xxx

spondulix Wed 26-Sep-12 18:35:16

So sorry for you. Sending you huge hugs - keep posting for support.

(((())))

aleene Wed 26-Sep-12 18:59:49

Crispy, how did you get on with the nurse? You mentioned a swollen eye and grazed cheek - have you considered getting them photographed? I'm sorry, I am not pressuring you but it might be worth doing now in case you need it later.

Alittlestranger Wed 26-Sep-12 19:12:49

((crispy)) I just wanted to add that don't feel you have to decide now if you want to go to the police or not. You can deal with this how you want and if in six months time you decide you want to make a report then you are entitled to do that.

It might be that the chances of conviction are better the sooner you report, but hopefully your GP made good notes.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 26-Sep-12 19:41:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 26-Sep-12 19:47:24

You mentioned a swollen eye and grazed cheek - have you considered getting them photographed? I'm sorry, I am not pressuring you but it might be worth doing now in case you need it later.

This is good advice, preferably a dated photo. Just so you have it if necessary. Agree also that if you report sooner is better than later, but you need to do what feels right for you.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 27-Sep-12 04:24:50

I didn't go to the nurse in the end.. just couldn't face it and my period started so I don't thik she'd have been able to do the swabs anyway. All the aches and pains have kicked in, my neck is killing me, arms, legs and stomach aren't too clever either. Can't really see any bruises tho.

Both the nurse and my gp rang later in the day to check I was ok which was really nice of t hem. Seeing my gp again in the morning.

I ddin't respond to his text, so he sent me a photo of his studio :/ I still didn't respond.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 05:02:07

He targeted you, Crispy. This man uses as much force as he deems necessary to make his victims to submit but he rarely inflicts visible injuries on them that can be connected to him - by which I mean marks/bruises that correspond to handprints on the arms or neck for example.

The first text he sent you was to be expected and if you'd responded I doubt that you'd have heard from him again for couple of days.

The fact he texted a second time yesterday suggests he may be getting a bit antsy at your non-response.

It sounds as if you put up a hell of a fight; when he's replaying the tape, as it were, it may occur to him that you are not as submissive as he marked you out to be and this may lead him to call on you - possibly with a box of chocs/flowers on the pretext that he was 'just passing' - to reassure himself that you haven't blown the whistle on him.

Are you able to see who's at your front door without being observed before you open it?

I was just coming to the end of an extremely long missive to you when my laptop crashed - I'm going to try and recover it or try to recall it and do a rewrite.

In the meantime, I urge you to go to your GP later today and get as much as possible documented. Although you have started your period, get swabs taken as semen can be detected some 48-72hrs? after ejaculation.

Btw, as I very much doubt that you want any reminder of the other night in your photo album, don't bother taking photos of visible marks/injuries yourself as only those taken by an accredited police photographer or similar would be admissible evidence in a Court of Law in this matter.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 07:22:02

the one thing you must do here is get the STI tests, love. You don't want a nasty physical reminder of this attack (to go along with all the other mental/emotional ones)

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 07:41:51

I would like to make it crystal clear that in urging you to obtain evidence that sexual intercourse took place and to have as much evidence as possible documented by health professionals, I am in NO WAY urging you to report this man to the police, Crispy.

My sole concern is that you have independently documented material which can be used to substantiate your account if you should decide at a later date to make a complaint to the poice.

Lueji Thu 27-Sep-12 07:45:49

You can still go to the gp or a&e and complain about the pains.
If they have uv light, or a dermatologist might, the bruises are likely to show.

I have had those "invisible" bruises and it's maddening, because the pain is there but nobody notices them.

Please, the way he is keeping in contact with you, you need to go to the police. He's been violent once and it looks like he's not letting go.

Stay safe.

higgle Thu 27-Sep-12 09:55:47

I was a criminal defence solicitor for 23 years and dealt with many rape cases. I would urge you to go to the police and ensure your injuries are recorded by your GP as soon as possible. I fully accept you may not want proceedings to be instituted against this man immediately. It is not a pleasant process and you are quite right in assuming any court proceedings would be an ordeal for you even with support. The reason I urge you to do this is that as more information has become available he does seem to fit the profile of someone who may have done this before or who will do it again.
The police will also be able to advise you about what steps to take for your personal security.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:15:05

I haven't recovered my lost post and any rewrite is beyond me at the moment, but I hope the following will enable you to see what manner of man you had dealings with on Tuesday night.

He is not the type that prowls the streets looking for lone women to sexually assault. He doesn't watch to establish whether a property is occupied by a lone woman before breaking in to sexually assault her.

As he's not driven by compulsion to commit sexual offences on a regular/ predictable cycle, he chooses his victims as and when opportunity arises.

He is arrogant. He doesn't believe he will be caught but he targets women who are of a similar age to him partly so that he cannot be accused of taking advantage of a significantly younger women.

In additon, this enables him to take advantage of the speedy establishment of common ground which can occur when making the acquaintance of someone from a same/similar age group for the first time.

He selects his victims on the probability that he will be able to overpower them. They will be smaller in height than he is and/or of slim build.

He is confident in his masculinity - he works out or keeps himself fit/in shape by running, rowing, swimming etc.

Unlike another category of 'date rapists', he will not seek to get his victim drunk/drugged to the point of being semi-conscious/out of it, but he will use alcohol/drugs to give himself 'dutch courage'.

When committing sexual offences he is aggressive and will use force as he sees fit to subdue his victim. He may say abusive or humiliating words/phrases or use commands. He looks solely to his own pleasure - there is no foreplay.

He uses the power that he is able to exert over his victim to prove his virility.

Men who fall within this category of rapists do not necessarily lack empathy towards others but they are able to suppress empathy towards their victims to the extent that they are not concerned about them either before, during, or after the act.

These men are cunning and the man who raped you is more practised than most as his employment has given him more access than most to women who, in common with yourself, did not believe that a man who saves lives for a living could harm them... until they discovered otherwise.

Everything you've said about your experience indicates that he's raped before, Crispy, and he's going to rape again...and again, until old age or the law stops him.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 27-Sep-12 14:37:05

omg izzy... that's remarkably accurate from the small dealing I had.

He's not particularly tall.. about 5-8/5-10, very slim but athletic, on his non ambulance days he works as a personal trainer and does extreme sports.
He didn't really drink much alcohol, probably the equivalent of a pint of beer over the whole evening.. just pints of lemonade with a tiny bit of beer in the top.

I probably had 3 or 4 vodkas, but very heavily diluted with soft drink, so I wasn't drunk either.

I'm 5ft0.

Saw gp again this morning. He gave me the number of an organisation called The Haven which will hold my hand through the entire process for as long and as far as I decide to take it. I'm just screwing up my nerve to ring them now.
I know this is incredibly selfish of me but I'm scared that if I go down the court route they'll dredge up my entire past, which while not particularly promiscuous, I do have a bit of history of depression and psychological issues as a result of my health which has been pretty rough the last few years.

I know a barrister could easily turn things around and put me in a very negative light and I just don't know if I could bear that :/

DreamingofSummer Thu 27-Sep-12 14:40:12

Crispy more hugs and cyber support. We are all rooting for you

higgle Thu 27-Sep-12 15:17:13

Please get guidance from the police and expert support asap. I just want to reassure you that your sexual past would not be put before the court, in general terms it is a forbidden area for the defence. I would imagine that if the matter came before a court the issue would be one of consent. Sadly the defence would exploit the fact that the rape was not reported immediately.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 15:18:22

O Crispy, honey, you're thinking way too far ahead and the scenario you envisage is highly unlikely to happen.

Given the inevitable lack of witnesses, date rape comes down to one person's word against that of another and, unless there are significant injuries or other victims come forward or there is some compelling reason to proceed, it's probable that the CPS will decide there is insufficient evidence to prosecute especially as it would seem that you've not had a rape kit done and may not be be able to prove that he had intercourse with you.

You may say in that case, what's the point of reporting him? And the answer is that his card will be marked, his prints, mugshot, dna, will be on file and the fact he was arrested on suspicion of rape on x date will show on an enhanced CRB check.

It may not stop him raping again but it sure as hell is going to make him think twice, thrice, and frice smile before he commits another sexual offence and it will put an end to any notion he may have about texting/calling/dropping in on you.

tschiffely Thu 27-Sep-12 15:28:56

Crispy, I am completely shocked and outraged to read this. No wise words from me, although some great advice and support already given. <hug>.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 15:36:45

As higgle has said, although criminal and other Courts are adversarial in nature there are strict rules of engagement, as it were, and the days when a rape victim's past sexual history was raked up and paraded before the jury are long gone.

Depression and psychological issues connected with ill-health are something that just about every in an average Court room will have experienced either personally or through the experience of their friends/relatives.

I seem to recall it used to be that 1 in 10 could expect to have dealings with doctors/shrinks in connection with 'mental health' issues during the course of their lives and, given the propensity for GPs to hand out antids like candy I suspect it's nearer 4 in 10 or higher these days.

You'd have nothing to fear on that score and you should also bear in mind that from statement to giving evidence and beyond, unlike his, your anonymity is guaranteed.

In short, only those you choose to tell will be privy to what has happened to you and what may be happening in respect due process of law.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 16:27:29

You are getting great advice, love

Perhaps make that initial contact with The Haven, and see how it goes ? Nobody will push you into a process you are not happy with

fiventhree Thu 27-Sep-12 17:43:03

Crispy, the Royal College of GPs estimated even ten years ago that one in four patient appointments are related in one way or another to mental health issues, if you include patients who are attending to report a different issue which is a mental health issue in disguise, as well as specific MH symptoms.

In years since the, MH issues have come out of the closet, and include high profile politician and other public figures openly relating their own MH experiences.

Viking1 Thu 27-Sep-12 18:27:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 18:29:36

Viking, that wouldn't be sensible.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 27-Sep-12 18:44:02

It's not serious mh issues, as I said some situational depression and confidence self esteem issues due to my appearance. My body requires a lot of reconstructive surgery and so I'm very wary of letting people see me naked.. I think I look reasonably normal when I'm clothed but undressed I look like a freak. But I'm sure someone clever would be able to twist that into something else.

Viking I dunno.. I'll give it some thought. I'm not sure if the name he gave me is correct, his surname is a bit 'rock star' and he told me he'd changed it; he showed me photos of how he used to look and the name on those was different but I don't rememeber exactly what it was.

I have to be careful, the cunt knows where I live. I live alone and the front of my house is sort of hidden, anything could happen and no one would see anything. I've also got friends who would go and sort him out if I told them.

This is really stupid, but I keep thinking I'll be ruining his life if I tell his identity confused wtf is that about? I'm remembering more things from the other night too, like how he gave himself a tour of my house and criticised it. Commented on my books.. the paintings on my walls.. weird wierd wierd

At least he hasn't sent me any texts or anything today.

Viking1 Thu 27-Sep-12 19:01:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 19:24:51

I don't want to add to your worries, Crispy, but if he doesn't text you again, there's a possibility he will turn up on doorstep when you least expect it.

Given his modus operandi, I wouldn't put it past him to turn up in his ambulance with one of his colleagues on board because he chooses victims who he believes won't 'make a fuss' - his reasoning is that nice girls don't do 'it' on the first date but if they do, and even when they're forced to do 'it', they're not likely to want anyone else to know about it.

By the same token, he believes that as you are a 'nice girl' and, as such, if he turned up with a colleague in tow 'just passing by and I said to wotsit here let's pay a quick call on Crispy and she might give us a coffee' said with cheery voice, all smiles, he'll be betting that you won't respond with 'I've got the police on to you - fuck off to the far side of fuck you fucking rapist and when you get there etc' - and you won't, will you? I mean, who would? A 'loose' woman might, but would a 'nice girl' shout her mouth off like a fishwife?

The insidiousness of sexual coercion is well documented and I referred to aspects of it in my long gone and lost forever thread - which I still hope to rewrite from sodding scratch. Briefly, rapists of his ilk rely on the culture of silence that many victims buy into because they have similar fears to your own.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 19:27:57

Izzy is soooo right.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 19:30:04

When you first encountered him, Crispy, was he wearing typical paramedic uniform? Bright green with fluorescent yellow go faster stripes or similar?

A change of surname can be a way of changing more than just a name - it can be a way of changing history.

AllMuddledUp Thu 27-Sep-12 19:44:07

Crispy I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have no advice, but I couldn't read your thread without replying. Sending you a virtual hug.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 27-Sep-12 19:57:17

Yes he had normal uniform on, I met his crew mate and saw their ambulance.

I wondered the same about his name change but it did fit with scars he had from a serious accident. He also mentioned an exw and dc who now live in another country.... Wonder why?

First time I've done a post feom my phone so apologies if there are errors etc.

I'm thinking and thinking and going over all the what ifs and different options. I spoke to the friend who was with me when I met him and she didn't pick up any red flags either.

Viking1 Thu 27-Sep-12 20:09:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 27-Sep-12 20:17:09

Viking please don't do anything.

I have enough info to identify him, dob, which station he works out of, area he lives in, place where he does the fitness stuff etc. He even sent me his schedule for the next couple weeks so I could make plans to see him confused looking back that was a bit much before even the first date wasn't it?

Viking1 Thu 27-Sep-12 20:20:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 20:22:17

then give it a rest, viking, you are sounding creepy and if you frighten crispy off I will hunt you down myself hmm

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 20:23:53

yes, crispy, it was a bit much

hindsight, and all that

it's not your fault he attacked you though

underthewestway Thu 27-Sep-12 20:28:34

Crispy, I rarely post and I haven't read the full thread, but I just thought it might help if I share what happened to me in February.

Without going into details I was woke up in a hotel room on a Sat morning with no idea how I had got there. I'd been for dinner at a posh restaurant with some friends - a married couple - left them to go to the tube and then it is all a blank. I spent 5 days in a state of bewilderment, unable to process things. It was awful, I felt like I'd gone mad.....and then I found a tampon which had been inside me since that night (sorry if tmi). Then I knew I had to do something. I went to the police, totally unable to explain what had happened and they have, at every step of the way, taken me seriously, investigated, interviewed, got CCTV evidence etc. At no point did anyone suggest that I was making it up, or even suggest that I was drunk, which, for the record I wasn't, not that that would give anyone the right to take me to a hotel and rape me iykwim.

I also live in London and the Haven were BRILLIANT. No pressure to do anything with the tests, or judgement, or anything. Just lovely.

I suppose what I'm saying it...for me, it was a huge relief to admit and start to accept what had happened, and reporting it helped me to do that. It made me able to define it and start to separate it as something someone had done to me, rather than something I had brought on myself. It really clearly became someone elses's fault. I know everyone's experience is different and I certainly wouldn't advise you to do it if you don't feel able, but my experience of London police and the Haven in particular was great. I don't know what will come of the ongoing investigation, but for some reason that hasn't really felt like the point for me, and similarly, you can report, or go to the Haven and not proceed if that doesn't feel right for you. But at least you will have the option, whereas the longer you leave it to get checked out by them, you won't. After 5 days there was no DNA evidence for me.

Sorry for length!

AnyFucker Thu 27-Sep-12 20:32:23

westway I am so sorry that happened to you

PeppermintPasty Thu 27-Sep-12 20:41:27

God I'm so sorry darling woman. How utterly shit. I'm gobsmacked for you.
I will just say that something very similar happened to a dear friend of mine many years ago. She was numb with shock for days and days. I think it was the "normal" ie going on a date/being excited etc, juxtaposed with the totally alien things that happened that evening.

The point is-we took pictures of her injuries, she wasn't ready to go to the police, but we(me and another friend) thought she might in the future. Sounds a bit silly, but I even took a "witness statement" from her as gently as I could (annoying trainee lawyer) and she signed it. A couple of weeks later she did go to the police. The things she did, with our help, helped the police immeasurably. And helped her too. So even some photos would be worth taking. You just never know how you will feel later on.

Sending you love.

bumhead Thu 27-Sep-12 20:53:14

So sorry this happened to you Crispy xxx

It happened to me too years ago and I never reported it.
Some days I wish I had

Be strong xxx

underthewestway Thu 27-Sep-12 20:53:31

AnyFucker - thank you smile

underthewestway Thu 27-Sep-12 21:03:49

' I do have a bit of history of depression and psychological issues as a result of my health which has been pretty rough the last few years'

Crispy, I've just seen this, and just to reassure you... I also have a history of depression and see a shrink every week (privately, not NHS). I was also wary of commenting on this without advice. If you go to the Haven they are very clear with you about what is and is not disclosable. You do not have to disclose that at this stage it if you don't want to: when they asked me about mental health I just said I didn't want to answer and that was fine. If it did go to court you could then take advice about what to do. In retrospect, my fear about this was because I was still worried it was my fault: I wouldn't be so bothered about it now.

If you would like any more info in the process at the Haven then just PM me as my experience is relatively recent and I remember it really clearly! I was at the Paddington one.

izzyizin Thu 27-Sep-12 21:48:11

There are 3 'Havens' in London. They are, effectively, one stop shops for victims of rape/sexual assault staffed by women doctors and crisis workers where forensic evidence such as vaginal swabs can be gathered if this is what the victim wishes/is prepared to undergo and where the process can be stopped at any point by the victim.

The service provides support/referrals through giving statements to giving evidence (where applicable)

No matter what the circumstances, victims are unquestionably BELIEVED and no pressure WHATSOEVER is put on them to make complaints to the police.

Some Met Police district borough forces will refer victims to the Havens; some have access to rape suites staffed in much the same way as these facilities with services provided by various outside agencies who work in the fields of sexual attack/assault/dv.

'The Havens' is a resource for Londoners, or for those who are victimised while in London, which, if it isn't already, should be bookmarked for future reference.

However, the Havens are located in three of the capital's teaching hospitals and, given that Crispy met her rapist in a hospital and fell victim to a man who may be found delivering stretcher/trolley borne casualities to any one of these hospitals, she may not feel entirely comfortable or secure about visiting any of these facilities.

FTR, the Havens can advise with regard to any stis that a victim may have contracted due to a sexual assault, but tests cannot be carried out until several weeks or more have elapsed as it takes some time for stis to present in laboratory/petri dish detectable form.

CrispyHedgehog Fri 28-Sep-12 08:12:03

Thanks all of you.. I'm so sorry this seems to be somethng that so many women have had inflicted on them. I just don't get it.. why would someone DO that?! Why would you want someone to be struggling and fighting against you when you could be with someone who actually wants you? Gahhh angry

Thank you for the info about the Haven.. I'm just wondering which one to go to.. none of them are anywhere near me so I'll look at which is easiest to get to and go from there, oddly enough one of them is where I see my consultant so I'm very familiar with it and the A&E dept and entrance is well away from the outpatient bit so that should be ok.

The friend who was with me when I met him is coming over to spend the day, she's lovely but she's one of those bouncy, positive people and tbh I'm not sure if I'm up to that. I just want to wallow on my sofa with a blanket and repeats of come dine with me.

aleene Fri 28-Sep-12 18:47:46

Crispy, I hope you were able to speak with your friend and get support today.

Westway, I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you get some answers.

aleene Fri 28-Sep-12 18:48:36

Bumhead too sad

CrispyHedgehog Fri 28-Sep-12 21:44:09

I put her off.
Had a duvet day instead.
Feel like a bitch over it tbh.

I've been trying to call the havens but no reply yet. I'll try again early in the morning. I have to do something. I nipped to the local shop today and nearly had a heart attack when an ambulance went by, got all shaky and tearful. I can't live like that.

I'm also going to go to the first pub we went to, as we were getting very odd looks in there and I want to ask why. Maybe he said or did something weird before I got there?

In one hour it will be a week to the minute that I met him. I wish I didn't know that but I do. I wish it had never happened but it did. If I'd worn a different dress that night he wouldn't have noticed me and none of this would have happened. It's just all if if if sad

i wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and it have been a bad dream. Or wiped from my brain. Something. Anything.

fucking no good bastard shit cunt
I hate him
I hate myself
why ws i so fuckng stupid

MushroomSoup Fri 28-Sep-12 21:48:49

Please don't beat yourself up. You have no reason to be hard on yourself. Nothing that happened is because of anything you did or didn't do, or anything you wore or didn't wear or anything you said or didn't say.

It happened because of his sick behaviour.
Sending you hugs and strength x

CrispyHedgehog Fri 28-Sep-12 22:09:19

Thank you mushroom. It's just hard not to look at everything and what i could have done differntly..

Sorry that previous post looks weird.. I started writing it earlier, went off to do something, came back and a load of gibberish came out blush

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Fri 28-Sep-12 22:30:16

If I'd worn a different dress that night he wouldn't have noticed me

Fuck that! Please don't make any of this your fault, none of it is your fault, it's all his.

If you find yourself turning this in on yourself, blaming yourself for someone who is not just a cunt but a criminal, call someone x

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 00:09:11

Other than not having gone to the hospital with your friend there's nothing you could have done differently, Crispy, and in my book not supporting a friend in need of medical help is not an option.

It is a fact that many some of the most flawed individuals who walk this earth go into 'public service' and their 'uniform/status' blinds many to the man/woman behind the 'hero' persona they are able to present merely because of the work they do.

When he was full-on in the pub, putting his arm around you, behaving as if he'd known you for years, I suspect that warning bells were sounding; you were thinking wtf but you didn't feel able to call him on it because 'this man regularly sees things that would send someone else bonkers, he puts himself on the line for others and he deserves to able to let off steam in his off-duty hours'.

Maybe you were too busy 'rationalising' along the lines of 'okay so I don't like all this tactile stuff, but maybe this is just his way of sloughing off the 'horrors' that are part of his work and who am I to judge him for that? He's obviously a man's man, full of bonhomie, likes his extreme sports, and it's no skin off my nose to listen to him bore for England for a couple of hours in gratitude for the work he and others do rather than any attraction I feel towards him' to get your brain round the fact that this man was showing you who he is.

When he 'insisted' on walking you home, who would have foreseen the harm in that? If you'd keeled over in the street on any other occasion you'd be heaving a sigh of relief if he, a paramedic, came along and when he asked to use your toilet, how could you have refused?

Could you have said 'sorry, haven't got one' or 'sorry it's not working' and sent him off with his legs crossed? Who among us would have said 'no' or stood at our open front door until a 'hero' had relieved themselves? And what chance would we have stood if the the 'hero' dragged us in and shut the door?

And let's not forget this man wasn't some random you and lets not forget that this man wasn't some random you'd picked up from a bar/club or the internet. You'd seen in him his superman outfit and had every reasonable expectation that he'd be as well-mannered as Clark Kent in his off duty hours.

I can't see anything in the above for you to blame yourself for, can you?

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 03:07:06

I doubt you'll gain much from going to one of the Havens now, Crispy,

You said you were wearing shorts with opaques? Unless he spilled some of his seed on them, so to speak, and you've saved them unwashed together with your underwear, it's too late to prove without doubt that he had sexual intercourse with you.

Not that that's any reason why you shouldn't report him to the police but, if you do, you should be prepared for the CPS to decide not to prosecute him unless other victims come forward as a result of police enquiries - and, given my belief that you are by no means his first victim, that is a possibiity particularly if his name gets 'out there' but, not, I hasten to add, by using anyone here to spread the word.

Instead of waiting for your nearest Haven to answer your call, give Rape Crisis a ring. They can help and advise you and may provide someone to go with you when you have the sti tests you'll need in a couple of weeks time and arrange for you make a complaint if that's what you decide to do.

Btw, whatever you'd worn he'd have honed in on you. Being at least 6" smaller than him and looking to be of a similar age under harsh hospital lighting the only way you'd have escaped his attention is if you'd been wearing a burka.

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 03:23:47

My response at 00.09 is a partial re-write of my lost and gone forever treatise. Part 2 'why he did it' to follow.

I'm curious as to why you got 'very odd looks' at the first pub you went to. I wonder if he's been seen in there being all over a succession of different women in recent weeks? And I wonder if he clocked the 'very odd looks' and that's why you moved on to another venue? How did that come about?

As I've said, this man is not driven by demons compulsion to rape. He could go a month or more without indulging himself but if opportunity occurs every week or every few days, he'll take advantage of it.

CrispyHedgehog Sat 29-Sep-12 14:02:24

Izzy, thanks

I don't think he'd have been in that pub before.. he doesn't live locally, doesn't even live in the same city.

He arrived at the first pub before me, sent me a text asking what I wanted to drink and he was sitting on the benches outside the pub when I arrived.. it was cold so I asked to go inside and he said that he'd sat outside so that I could have a cigarette if I wanted. It was fairly late when we met, 10pmish so when the first pub closed, we went on somewhere else, although he wsa hinting to go to my house at that point too. When I said I wsn't ready to invite him into my home yet he smiled and nodded and said something like "ohh.. you gonna make me wait eh?"

It was odd in that first pub, there were only about 6 people in there - clearly all knew each other and were perched at the bar together chatting with the barman and it was quiet.. not a noisy pub at all but they looked at me very oddly when I passed them to go to the loo - as if they were trying to understand something.. not sure how to describe it. When I went to the bar to get a drink.. again the barman was looking at me very strangely. Going there this evening with a friend, I'm hoping I'll get some kind of answer but really I doubt it tbh.

It wasn't that he bored me so much as that I realised fairly early on that the 'spark' or whatever wasn't there for me, I think tbh he put me off a bit with the intensity and full-on-ness... waaaaay too much too soon. But, I thought well he's come a fair distance so I'll be polite and see out the evening. (Damn my mother for teaching me manners!) I just didn't know how to leave without seeming rude.

CrispyHedgehog Sat 29-Sep-12 14:23:40

Just remembered something.. he said he used to live in my area, and that pub used to be his local several years ago :s
When he was doing it.. he kept saying he'd been single for 7 years and it was his choice.. was I supposed to feel priveleged or soemthing???

Stupidly I've binned everything from that night.. couldn't bear seeing it.. even the glass he drank from.

Lueji Sat 29-Sep-12 14:49:26

For all you know he could have followed you home and then attacked you.
Or on the way home, or after the second date, etc
Don't feel bad for being trusting.

Heleninahandcart Sat 29-Sep-12 15:09:45

Crispy I have followed your thread from the beginning. I am so sorry he did this. His intent, his actions, his shame. Do try and be kind to yourself, nothing you said, wore or did makes any of this your responsibility.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 29-Sep-12 16:06:05

Crispy, have the binmen been?

I hope you can find out something from the people at the bar. You're brave going back there tonight.

I don't think you need to keep anything from the night because I don't think this person will deny having sex with you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

CrispyHedgehog Sat 29-Sep-12 17:44:15

I don't know if the binmen came.. they're a bit random and I've not really paid attention tbh. I could go and look

His car will be seen parked on my drive on the cctv, not sure if it would be clear enough to pick up the reg or not tho. All I can remember is it was a dark blue 2 seater convertible thing.. and he was very precious about it.

I'm wobbling a bit about going to that pub again, and really I'm not sure there's any point. I doubt they'll tell me anything.

Thanks all of you for being so lovely to me, it really means a lot. I don't want to tell anyone in rl because I don't want to be looked at differently.

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 20:17:42

With the exception of the police and rape crisis counsellors/workers, I'd share your reservations about telling anyone in rl because even if you are not 'looked at differently' you will feel as if you are iyswim.

Given time that feeling wll pass and you may feel able to confide in close friends/relatives should conversation turn to the subject in connection with a news topic or similar.

I understand your wobble about going back to the first pub but I'd have to do it to satisfy my curiousity and also to reclaim my right to go where I want without fear. After completing my mission I'd be unlikely to go there again for any social purpose but I'd be damned if I allowed anyone who'd subjected me to sexual assault to cause me to avoid a place because he may be there or for any other reason.

If the same barman's on duty, or any of the clientele you saw are there tonight, I'd spin a yarn about having been there with a recent acquaintance of a friend of a friend, of whom I have little knowledge other than what he'd told me, the other night and as it appeared that the 'regulars' looked at him askance I wondered if there was some reason he attracted attention that I should know about before deciding whether to see him again.

I'd make it humorous/lighthearted (even though my heart would no doubt be pounding fit to bust) and say maybe I've been watching too many cop shows or he had a large zit that escaped my attention or some such.

Possessing good manners has led to many women finding themselves in situations they could have avoided had they opted for seemingly impolite behaviour over any consideration of social nicety.

The tried and trusted trip to the loo and exit out of another door is one that shouldn't be rejected out of hand on the grounds of rudeness, but more socially acceptable is the trip to said loo followed by emerging ostensibly talking on the mobile, ending the pretend call before reaching the seat/table, and apologising profusely for having to curtail the evening due to brother/other male relative having unexpectedly arrived from Paris/LA/Timbuctoo and being on their way to my home from nearest regional airport - said standing up while draining glass (where applicable) and picking up one's coat before departing to call a cab/jump on a bus 'thank you so much, it's been a pleasure to meet you but I couldn't possibly accept your offer of a lift/escort home - do please stay and have another'.

Btw, the reason why you are concerned about 'ruining his life' if you reveal his identity/make a complaint to the police, is that you recognise the enormity of what he's done but you are still attempting to persuade yourself that what he inflicted on you is little more than him misreading your 'no's' and 'don't's' and that he was unaware that what he did to you is rape.

This is very far from being the case, Crispy. His earlier 'ooh you gonna make me wait eh?' clearly shows that he knows the boundaries of acceptable/customary first 'date' behaviour and he deliberately crossed them because that's what he does - every time he has opportunity to do so.

The tour he made of your house without so much as a by your leave was to assure himself that no-one else was at home and also served to mark his territory in much the same way as a tomcat sprays his scent.

If you should have any lingering doubts, reflect on the fact that it's inconceivable that a man who may be called to attend victims of sexual assault has not received training in this field and he is more than aware than most of the various circumstances in which these assaults are carried out.

Start getting righteously angry, Crispy, and get yourself to that pub tonight - make it the first step to recovering your equilibrium.

NB This isn't 'why he did it'; this is the 'he did it because he exploits the trust his unwitting victims place in him due to his employment and he was able to take advantage of your well-mannered upbringing'.

CrispyHedgehog Sun 30-Sep-12 12:19:42

I didn't make it to the pub in the end, friend who was coming with me was too hungover from the night before. I will get there, just to close it off in my mind I think, I'm a bit old fashioned tho (thanks again mum) in that 'naice' girls don't go into places unaccompanied, ffs I won't even go into a cafe by myself.

It's very weird.. it's becoming almost like it happened to someone else and not me. I don't know how to explain it but it's like something very distant now, apart from when things pop into my head fleetingly... Haven't heard from him since weds night either.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 30-Sep-12 12:36:07

Would your friend go with you another night? I would try to go sooner rather than later so that you've more chance of them remembering. I'm glad he hasn't been in touch, the vile bastard.

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 13:44:00

Shock can cause us to rapidly distance ourselves from a traumatic event by giving the experience an 'otherworldy' quality which can make it seem as if it happened in a parallel universe or to someone else. It's a protective mechanism which enables us to go about our usual routines apparently unscathed.

This is fine while it lasts but, as it rarely lasts, seemingly unrelated occurences can trigger flashbacks in which the full horror is repeatedly relived.

My concern is that, apart from your GP, you haven't spoken to anyone in RL who can help you minimise/avoid post-traumatic stress by enabling you to explore, process, and resolve your feelings now rather than run the risk of being unexpectedly forced to do so at some future date, Crispy,

FWIW, I'm a very naice gal but if I had to wait for someone to accompany me to places I want to visit, it's likely that I wouldn't venture far from home smile

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 14:15:16

repeatedly relived not 'relieved' - if only!

Lueji Sun 30-Sep-12 14:45:20

I go everywhere by myself and can actually enjoy it, but TBH I'd also have asked a friend to go with me to that pub.
Just in case he was there again.

And I agree with izzy. Be angry with him, do not feel that you have done anything wrong or that you will ruin his life. If you go to the police, it will be his wrongdoing and not yours.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Sep-12 15:29:59

Just checking in with you crispy, after a few days of no internet

Please don't blame yourself. He has done you wrong, don't compound that by taking any responsibility for that away from him

btw, did you have a drink in that pub where you were getting funny looks ? Do you think he may have been spotted "interfering" with your drink in any way ?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 30-Sep-12 16:40:37

Christ, AF, I'd like to think bar staff would do or say something if they saw such a thing.

The OP does remember what happened though, doesn't she? It doesn't sound as though she was given rophynol at any rate.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Sep-12 17:00:39

You would hope the bar staff would say something, but there are a lot of idiots in this world who "don't like to interfere"

Anyway, 'twas just a thought. Not necessarily Rohypnol. I was thinking a "double when she asked for a single" kinda thing. Or a sedative to make her a bit more "pliable". The guy has access to shedloads of that shit. It happens.

Hope you are ok, crispy. Sorry to speculate as if you weren't here. Not sure I am being helpful so will shut up now and just send you a (((hug)))

CrispyHedgehog Sun 30-Sep-12 17:02:18

I do go out and about, just wouldn't go into a pub/restaurant etc by myself. Didn't get to the pub last night, I'm thinking now to go tomorrow night, because I know it will be quiet in there like last week and chances of the same people being there will be better.

I'm not angry at all.. I never am. I think that's a lot of my trouble. I get mildly grumpy at times, but never really angry - about anything. I think that goes back to my upbringing too. Christ this thread is dredging up all kinds of stuff isn't it?

I don't think he put anything in my drinks, but I do suspect he bought me doubles rather than singles. I wasn't drunk, but felt the effect more than I should have done for the amount I had to drink, if that makes sense? I remember everything pretty clearly I think.. everything that matters anyway sad

CrispyHedgehog Sun 30-Sep-12 17:04:01

AF you thought the same as me, doubles rather than singles!
Glad to see you back.. and hugs are always welcome x

AnyFucker Sun 30-Sep-12 17:09:24

it's an old trick, the doubles instead of singles sad (but the old ones are still just as effective)

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 17:32:32

What happened to you will dredge up all sorts, Crispy.

He's not the type to use rophynol or other substances to overcome his victims. He wouldn't be above passing doubles off as singles but it wouldn't serve his purpose to have his victims semi-comatose or throwing up all over him - plus he gets enough of that at work.

If you can't bring yourself to get angry at the fact that this man deliberately set out to sexually violate you, you'll have to rely on your niceness to prompt you to put yourself first and foremost.

DreamingofSummer Mon 01-Oct-12 10:58:45

Crispy

How are you today? Thinking of you and sending cyber hugs and best wishes

CrispyHedgehog Mon 01-Oct-12 11:31:29

I'm ok I think thanks summer

Can't stop bloody eating tho

PeppermintPasty Mon 01-Oct-12 13:52:56

Dear Crispy, just a quick line to say hello, thinking of you and wishing you well xx

CrispyHedgehog Mon 01-Oct-12 17:24:58

Thanks Pasty.. I've just had a quiet day really. I tried googling him to see if anything interesting came up but nothing much there tbh.. a fb page that he doesn't seem to use is all really.

Got a lovely friend bringing me dinner later so I'll have company tonight smile

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 17:56:01

he said he used to live in my area, and that pub used to be his local several years ago

Something occurred to me; perhaps he had a reputation in your area and that pub? Perhaps the barmen and regulars were looking askance as they knew something about him or had heard rumours?

One might also think that if anyone had ever made a complaint of rape about him before but nothing came of it (unreliable witness, no evidence, the usual) then this helps build a case against him....

Christ, I can hardly type here sad I'm so sorry this happened to you. Reading this last week and it happening 'in real time' sad Hope you have a good time with your friend smile

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 15:58:19

I feel sick

I've told teh police

cleef15 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:05:42

That is really brave. I'm going to say well done too as I think that is the right thing to do in this case. X

foofooyeah Tue 02-Oct-12 16:06:12

Well done Crispy, that must have taken enormous courage. I am so sorry you are going through this.

PeppermintPasty Tue 02-Oct-12 16:09:27

Well good for you. That was brave. Have you got your mate with you/coming round later.

We're here for offloading purposes whenever needed smile

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 16:12:05

Extra (((hugs))) honey - I wish I was with you in rl to hold your hold and tell you how immensely brave you've been.

Of course you feel sick, honey - that's shock, trauma, fear, doubt, and whole gamut of other emotions coming out and your reaction is entirely natural.

Needless to say, I'm immensely relieved to know that you found the courage to tell the police, Crispy - well done you.

May I ask what tipped the balance? What decided you to do take the right action for yourself and for others?

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 16:12:11

it ws a random copper who came to the door for somthing else
he'sgoing to hand it over to someone whos specially trained
im really scared of the shitstorm thats going to result but its done now

Crispy, I've been lurking and sending quietly supportive vibes, but want you to know that I'm another one thinking of you, admiring your courage, and wishing you emotional healing. X

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 16:12:51

'hold your hold'? hold your hand..

tschiffely Tue 02-Oct-12 16:18:53

Well done Crispy...holds hand and sends hugs x

Any "shit storm" is all of his own making, he is a rapist, he chose to rape you, none of this was your fault, he made it all happen, he deserves whatever comes his way.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 16:19:02

You haven't made a statement yet? I'm guessing the copper who came to the door was one who gave you the confidence to raise topic with him... seems to me that another force it at play here and it's a force for good that will ensure no harm comes to you.

There's not going to be any shitstorm, Crispy. You're going to make a statement to the police and they're going to do their job and, as I said earlier, that is likely to be the end of it insofar as the 'legal' side of things is concerned but you will be empowered by the knowledge that you had the courage to stand up and be counted in the hope that, by doing so, you may spare other equally unsuspecting women the ordeal you endured.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 16:19:35

oh god... its going to be bad isn't it :/

foofooyeah Tue 02-Oct-12 16:23:58

Oh crispy, it may be hard for you but its not going to be bad. You are doing the right thing and you have done nothing wrong: you are the person who has been horribly wronged and its him who should be worried.

Keep us posted we are with you all the way

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 16:30:33

Why's it going to be bad? All that's required of you is to tell the truth.

Obviously it won't be particularly pleasant to tell the police about the way in which you were sexually assaulted as you will be required to give an account of what he said/did prior to penetration, but you need to hold on to the fact that you're not being asked to recount what happened to you from any voyeuristic motivation but merely to establish the facts so that they can determine what action to take.

Please don't worry unduly, Crispy. You'll be treated with sensitivity and I suspect that after you've given your statement, you'll feel a sense of relief that it is 'over' and that you can move on knowng that you've done all you can to stop this man from continuing to abuse his position.

DreamingofSummer Tue 02-Oct-12 17:10:56

Crispy So proud of you for having the courage to tell the police. Well done you!

All that you need to do is tell the truth and let the consequences happen for the lowlife that raped you. You've done nothing wrong.

Stay strong and know that there are people here supporting you.

underthewestway Tue 02-Oct-12 17:32:15

Well done, Crispy.....echoing the above, you should be so proud of yourself for having taken this step. I really hope that you feel better once you've let yourself tell someone 'external' what happened.

I don't know if this option will be open to you but when I reported what happened to me, I did a really brief statement and then went in a few days later and did a video statement instead of having someone write it down. I found that maybe a bit easier because it is relatively quick, and also gives you a chance to tell your story as you remember it without being prompted. The only questions they asked me were really wierd details that I wouldn't have thought to state (how much exactly I spent was one I remember) - but nothing uncomfortable or disturbing.

I really hope whoever you are assigned now from the police will support you with sensitivity. You are VERY BRAVE and don't forget that!

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 17:35:20

I'm just so scared of the fallout

it's a huge thing to accuse someone of isn't it?

fuck fuck fuck

the police haven't called me back yet

aleene Tue 02-Oct-12 17:38:05

Crispy, well done and I hope the next steps go smoothly. So pleased you felt able to report him. We are all behind you.

aleene Tue 02-Oct-12 17:38:51

yes, but WHAT HE DID is a huge thing. It is on his head Crispy. Don't doubt yourself.

HRH008 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:43:59

Crispy,

We believe you. We believe in you.

Sending you as much love as I can fit in this message.

x

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 17:48:10

It would be a huge thing to accuse an innocent man of rape, Crispy, but he isn't innocent - you said no but he wouldn't take no for an answer and he raped you.

As for the 'fallout', I think you may be under some misapprehension as to the way in which the police operate in these matters as he's unlikely to be suspended or lose his job on the strength of an allegation that's been made against him.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 17:51:35

What you may be seeing as 'fallout' may never happen, Crispy, and please remember what I told you earlier - your anonymity is protected and you are under no obligation to reveal to anyone else what you tell the police.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 19:24:24

Have you been able to confide in a friend, Crispy? Do you have anyone with you now that you can offload to?

Hopefully, the police officer who called at your home today will make contact with officers who are trained to investigate sexual assaults but, depending on their caseload, it may be a few days before they are able to take your statement.

You may find it helpful to draw up a list of any points that you especially feel you should tell the police. No doubt you'll have your own idea of what those should be but, in case they're not immediately to the forefront of your mind, I'd like to suggest that the following should be on your list:
1. Sending you his 'schedule' for the next few weeks prior to your date which you thought unusual but appeared to indicate that he was an honest upfront type of guy
2. The 'odd' looks you received while in the pub where you met him
3. His comment to the effect that 'you intend to make me wait' when you told him you weren't up for sex on a first date
4. The 'tour' he made of your home
5. His abrupt change of manner after he'd forced you to have sex with him
6. His text the next day which caused you to doubt that what he'd done to you was as bad as you knew it to be at the time
7. The fear you felt when you heard an ambulance siren and your fear that he may take it upon himself to come to your home unexpectedly

If you don't have anyone you'd like to be with you when you give your statement, don't worry, honey. It's probable you'll be assigned a female officer to hold your hand, as it were, and you will be given all the reassurance you need to give your account. If you don't want to give your account to a male police officer, don't be afraid to ask for only women to be present when you give your statement.

Please rest assured that you'll be believed without question. The police have seen and heard it all before and in giving a statement you won't be doing anything that hasn't been done by many thousands of women before you.

Take heart - everyone who's read your thread will be sending you strength; you can and you will do this and you will feel infinitely better for it.

MushroomSoup Tue 02-Oct-12 19:27:30

Izzy that seems to me to be such a very helpful post.
Crispy I absolutely salute you. You are stronger than you realise. Xx

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 19:43:39

crispy, I can only echo izzy (again)

in her last post she summarised only what you have told us in readiness for you making a statement

it is immensely helpful and will help you clarify your thoughts

write down what she wrote, and use it as a template to add in any more thoughts of your own and red flags you have realised in retrospect

be prepared, and it will ease your mind

you are doing a brave thing, and like someone else said yes, this is a huge thing but he did a huge thing to you

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 20:02:47

I'm alone.

The sapphire police rang and took some details. They're going to run background checks on him without him knowing to see if any other complaints have been against him. They'll take a proper statement from me tomorrow.

She was very honest that it will probably be my word against his, especially if it looks like I was compliant on cctv.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 20:06:45

Thanks sooo much all of you. I'm doing this partly because of all of you and partly for me.

I'm just terrified of what's ahead.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 20:09:47

I don't get the cctv thing (unless you have cctv in your house where the deed took place)

Just because a woman is seen enjoying a drink, a chat, a flirt, a snog, a grope etc etc with a bloke in a public place, does not make her up for non-consensual sex with him later on

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 20:13:21

I do so hope that Crispy feels the same way, MS.

Given the complexity of the subject I wasn't able to make them any shorter, but I've been concerned that the long responses I've given on this thread may have made it appear if I've been hogging it.

I'm immensely relieved to learn that Crispy's made the decision to report her horrendous experience to the police of her own volition rather than at the urging of others - especially as my intended further response on the subject of why he did it would have inevitably ended with an appeal to that effect.

From everything Crispy has said, there's no question in my mind that this man knew full well what he was doing and that what he did was to carry out an intention he formed when he first encountered Crispy.

While it may be comforting in certain ways, it can be particularly hard to come to terms with being the victim of a man whose only intent was to have sex regardless of consent to the act because knowing that one's personality has been negated is effectively another violation of one's self.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Tue 02-Oct-12 21:45:23

I'm really proud of you for telling the police, crispy. It must have been a really hard thing to do.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 21:53:59

I do Izzy... I'm finding the information you share immensely helpful - please don't stop. Not just for me, but also for other women who might read but not have posted about their experiences.. it might nudge them into speaking out too.

It was a fluke that police came to my house today, for a completely unrelated reason and my first thought was how did they know??? and I just blurted it out.

So far they've been pretty gentle with me I think.. not too much detail, just enough for them to get a picture of what happened.

AF they said they're going to check the cctv in both pubs we went into and the reason for it being bad if I looked compliant is because then he could argue that I was a willing participant and footage could be used to back him up.
The thng is, I really think he doesn't realise that he did anything wrong. The way he tried to pull me back afterward when I got up to leave the room, in the morning asking why I hadn't come back to bed.. fuck sake he even put the tv on, had breakfast and a shower before he left in the morning angry The whole time I was just willing him to leave, barely spoke to him. It was horrible.. amost worse than the night before

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 21:59:09

Am not doubting what was said to you, crispy. It just pisses me off that women are seen as being in a permanent state of consent, just for having a drink with a bloke.

It needs to change < grrr >

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 22:02:18

He spent the night in your home and in your bed? Did he have sex with you in your bed or in another part of your home? Did you ask him to leave after he'd had sex with you?

These are questions the police are likely to ask you but I'm not trying to interrogate you. If you didn't ask him to leave after he'd had sex with you, is there any reason why you didn't ask him to go?

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 22:16:06

yes he did.
I didn't say a word to him. Just left the room. I was scared, shocked. He had this odd intensity.. menacing is the best way to describe it I think. You know how you can feel threatened even without someone speaking?

He insisted on dropping me home, said he needed the loo. Came in, had a soft drink, watched a bit of tv.. it was batman. Then he fell asleep.. wouldn't wake up so after a while i put a blanket on him and went up to bed. At this point I wasn't scared of him , just knew i didn't want to see him again. woke up to him pulling my pyjmas off and pushing himsefl into me. My voice woudn't come out and i just froze

ProphetOfDoom Tue 02-Oct-12 22:29:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 22:32:11

O Crispy, I wish I could give you a real ((hug)). You must have been absolutely terrified. Jeez, I want to take him down so fucking badly angry

Please please please don't worry about giving your statement to the police. Sapphire officers are specially trained to deal with victims of sexual crime and the officer who is allocated to you will support you throughout until to the conclusion of your case and will work alongside a sexual offence trained officer (SOIT) during any investigation.

If you don't want to give your statement in front of a male officer who will also be specially trained, that won't be a probem - just say you'd prefer to have only women in the room when you give your account.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 22:32:13

oh, crispy sad

vile "man"

NicholasTeakozy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:39:40

Hello Crispy, I've just caught up with your thread. I'm appalled but not entirely surprised by this 'mans' actions. His insistance on PDAs reminds me of a thread that was pulled last week. I might have copied it if you want to read it, your thread made me think of it and made me angry.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 22:44:34

Please write out the list of things that are important for the police to know and add the fact that he told you he'd changed his surname some time ago.

Crispy, surely his menacing demeanour, the odd intensity, you were exposed to is sufficient for you to know that he meant to rape you and that he knew what he was doing was wrong.

aleene Tue 02-Oct-12 22:46:05

His behaviour was vile. Wish I could give you a big hug.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 22:47:25

Have you by any chance not yet washed the sheets and pyjamas you were wearing that night?

aleene Tue 02-Oct-12 22:47:39

Crispy, you don't have to answer this but do you think he was really asleep? i wonder if he engineered it so you would leave him and go to bed. Again, don't answer if you don't want to.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 22:52:01

that occurred to me too, aleene

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 22:57:49

Can ypu see now why i'm scared f not being believed or taken seriously? i fucked up by not reacting proerply
I binned evrything, even the glass and plate he used. made me sick to have those things in the hosue. as it is everything still feels contaminated and dirty
on reflection now i think he was prtentidng to be asleep. im just so fucking naive and stupid and gullible.
nickolas I'd appreciate reading that, thak you

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Oct-12 22:58:10

fuck sory typos

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 23:01:58

crispy, we have read what you said and we believe you

the professionals will too, because they have experience of how these abusers work

how the fuck were you to know he would do what he did ?

no normal bloke would do that, only a rapist would do that and he didn't have a sign on his head saying "watch out, I'm a rapist"

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 23:03:54

the professionals you have spoken to so far have not given any indication of disbelief, have they ?

they may say the "burden of proof" is difficult but that is not the same as not believing you

tschiffely Tue 02-Oct-12 23:04:55

echo what AF says. You have reacted normally to an horrific situation, you want to get rid of everything associated with this. The police will have seen this happen before.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 23:05:22

It's probable that he was faking sleep but, although she may do so now, Crispy clearly didn't suspect that at the time, aleene.

If Crispy didn't go to greater lengths to wake him up and, by default, allowed a man she had only known for a short period of time to stay over, I suspect this may have something to do with her reasonable expectation that throwing a blanket over a paramedic who was asleep on her sofa/in a chair and taking herself off to sleep in her own bed would pose no risk to herself.

aleene Tue 02-Oct-12 23:05:54

What AF said. You are none of those things you described. You can't predict someone's bad intentions. Please look after yourself and let the professionals help you. They will have seen and heard it all before, right down to throwing the plate out.

aleene Tue 02-Oct-12 23:07:33

izzy, I don't think for a minute that Crispy thought so at the time. sorry Crispy, I am not meaning to make you doubt yourself in any way.

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 23:15:04

Don't beat yourself up for doing what so many rape victims instinctively do in ridding yourself of all physical reminders of that experience, Crispy.

The fact is that had you not junked those items and had your GP secured forensic evidence that intercourse had occured, it would STILL come down to question of your word against his because, with very few exceptions, rape is a witnessless crime

izzyizin Tue 02-Oct-12 23:28:38

Please accept my assurance that I know you weren't trying to put any doubts in Crispy's mind, aleene, and please accept my apologies if you formed any impression to the contrary.

aleene Wed 03-Oct-12 00:40:12

izzy, that is very nice of you to say.

Crispy, I don't know the timescale of what happens now but I wish you all the strength you need ( and you have lots, you have shown that already).

CurrentBun Wed 03-Oct-12 00:53:39

Crispy. I am mortified reading this thread. You poor poor thing, you are so brave and I want to give you a big hug.

I re-read the beginning of the thread where you said you had been exchanging texts with him over the weekend prior to meeting. Do you still have the texts he sent and your responses? These may help when speaking to the police.

izzyizin Wed 03-Oct-12 02:59:27

Crispy, honey, your fears are misplaced. The police WILL believe you just as we've believed you from the outset - where, if you look back, you'll find you didn't say very much at all but you didn't need to because we know that no woman in her right mind would make a false claim of rape and, although it may not seem that way to you at times, if there's one thing you are it's in your right mind.

As for having 'fucked up by not reacting properly', there is no 'proper' way to react to having been raped. As the police and other authorities are well aware, every victim of this heinous crime reacts differently.

I also want to disabuse you of any notion that you are 'naive and stupid and gullible'. How long is it since you joined mumsnet? No-one who reads the Relationships and AIBU boards can stay in a state of ignorance or unsullied bliss for very long. The mentally sick, the twisted, the perverted... all huMAN life is here and a day on this board is worth a year poring over psychiatry/psychology tomes - and a helluva lot more amusing educational. smile

If you were naive or gullible or stupid or all 3 on that night, Crispy, it was because you dropped your guard for one reason, and one reason only: he abused the trust that ANY WOMAN, or any man for that matter, would unquestionably place in a PARAMEDIC.

He takes advantage of his position as one of society's widely regarded heroes to take advantage of those women that he deliberately targets because he knows he possesses the physical power to easily overcome their resistance to his sexual advances.

He's certainly cunning but, given that many perpetrators convict themselves within a short time of being taken to a police station for questioning, it remains to be seen if he's clever - and it may transpire that he's too clever for his own good.

But having cautioned you not to do so, I'm in danger of getting ahead of myself smile as it may be that the result of you making a statement could fall far short of what you hope/fear may happen.

It that should occur, please rest assured that it WON'T be because one or more police officers don't believe you. It WILL be because the CPS, in their infinite wisdom hmm decide there is insufficient evidence to prosecute.

As AF has said, there is the not inconsiderable matter of 'burden of proof' and it won't be in your best interests for the powers that be to proceed to a trial where the presumption is that a 'not guilty' verdict is something of a foregone conclusion.

Again, this wouldn't mean you have not been believed - far from it, honey, and if this should occur it's likely that those who've heard your testimony will be determined to nail him a future date tearing their hair out.

What I'm trying to say in my usual long-winded manner is that, no matter what the outcome, making a statement to the police will put you in a win-win position and, even if he is not brought in for questioning, you can rest assured that his card will be well and truly marked for reasons that I will expound on in a later response.

This will be the first time you have talked about your ordeal in rl to those who are specially trained to hear you and act on what you are saying. You will find it at times a relief to be able to unburden yourself and at times distressing as you re-live what he did to you, but you will also find it empowering to have dug deep and found the courage to do what naice well-mannered girls are brought up to do - which is tell the truth and shame the devil grin

Before you go to give your statement later today. I strongly urge you to write out a short account of the events of that night incorporating the, now 8, points I've outlined together with any others that come to your mind, and take it with you as a reminder of the salient facts which are key to any subsequent police investigation

It can be the case that victims feel inhibited or intimidated by the very fact that giving a statement to the police is not an experience they are accustomed to. When giving your account, take your time. When asked questions, don't rush to answer; think about what you've and if you can't recall/don't know, don't be afraid to say so. You have NOTHING to fear, honey, as I know your honesty will shine through.

My apologies again to aleene - in my anxiety not to put, or have words put, into your mouth, Crispy, I didn't appreciate how rude and overbearing my response to her post must have appeared to others.

Given my advice for you to write down certain key points, that may come across as gross hypocrisy on my part but my concern is that you should give your account in your own words while not omitting anything which can assist the police in establishing this man's modus operandi.

You're not going to be alone, Crispy, we are all going to be with you - reach out and draw on our strength and you'll feel our hands holding yours.

izzyizin Wed 03-Oct-12 03:38:38

I've just re-read my above response. 17 paragraphs each containing far too many lots of words <<sob>>

If written by AF, it would be 17 sentences each containing not much more than half a dozen words <<weeps>>

How does she do it? hmm

<<enrols on editing course>>

RecklessRat Wed 03-Oct-12 06:10:34

crispy

Just to say I'll be thinking of you today (along with everyone else on here, no doubt). I really admire your courage.

ChooChooLaverne Wed 03-Oct-12 10:43:29

Crispy (((((())))))

I've read your whole thread in horror. I'm so sorry.

I believe you. None of it was your fault. Nothing YOU did was wrong. It was all him. What a sinister individual he is.

I also think you're really brave and will be thinking of you today.

Lueji Wed 03-Oct-12 11:09:16

Just to say that you have done the right thing for you in telling the police.

Even if nothing comes out of this, you have done what you could to punish this man for his actions and have taken control of the situation. Which it was what he took from you through his actions.

Also, reinforcing what izzy said about writing an account of what happened.
It has already helped that you have written it down here, but you should take notes for yourself, including things that you haven't said here.

From a parallel experience, the more we think about it, the more we remember and things that may not make much sense initially then eventually do.
So, even if you don't want to remember it, do try to review the events in your mind.

And remember that it wasn't your doing. It was all him.

LouMacca Wed 03-Oct-12 11:29:28

Oh god crispy I have just read the whole thread - am just so shocked by what's happened to you. I am so sorry, thinking of you x

foofooyeah Wed 03-Oct-12 15:11:53

crispy, just came on to see how you were today ? Hope your ok

CrispyHedgehog Wed 03-Oct-12 15:49:44

Thanks all of you.

Just waiting for the police - they said after lunch but not heard anything yet.
All this waiting is making me a nervous wreck tbh :/

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 15:59:46

< holds crispy's hand >

brianbennettfan Wed 03-Oct-12 16:04:50

De-lurking to give you thanks thanks thanks

Hope all goes well today, lovely.

NicholasTeakozy Wed 03-Oct-12 16:28:05

Hope it goes ok love.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Wed 03-Oct-12 17:09:02

Thinking of you Crispy, hoping it all goes well today. You are very brave.

vintagewarrior Wed 03-Oct-12 17:11:53

Also here to hold your hand, you are very brave.
Hope it's gone ok today x

You are doing an amazingly brave thing.

I am full of respect for you.

kittybiscuits Wed 03-Oct-12 19:18:05

Love and good wishes to you, brave Crispy xx

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 19:21:09

did the police come ?

CrispyHedgehog Wed 03-Oct-12 19:27:56

No police yet.. I'm guessing something urgent must have come up for them. Although it was quite late when they rang last night, 8.30ish.

I've been writing stuff down on and off all day, in short bursts, I can't seem to focus on it for very long at a time.

I think in a selfish way, part of me is hoping that they don't contact me again.. then it's out of my hands in a way, I'm dreading the process if it goes ahead. I know it's selfish and I know I'm a big fat wuss but I'm just really shit at any kind of serious communication. and I won't lie.. I am scared.

Thanks so much all of you.. you have no idea how much strength I'm garnering from your messages xxx

AnyFucker Wed 03-Oct-12 19:48:52

Who could blame you for being scared ?

Police forces around the country are busy today, because they are all covering for each other so as many as possible could attend the funeral of one of the young PC's tragically murdered in Manchester last week. Have just been in tears watching it on the local news.

NicholasTeakozy Wed 03-Oct-12 20:00:31

Of course you're scared. I think most people would be, I know I would be. Keep writing stuff down, it's useful for you and the police.

HRH008 Thu 04-Oct-12 07:37:52

Morning Crispy,
I just wanted to say hello and I hope you got a decent night´s sleep.
x

CrispyHedgehog Thu 04-Oct-12 11:09:21

Morning hrh

Still no word from the police. I conked out last night, best sleep I've had in ages and I do feel better for it.

ChooChooLaverne Thu 04-Oct-12 11:15:52

Could you phone them?

CrispyHedgehog Thu 04-Oct-12 11:30:36

yeah I could.. I'm just hesitant to do so. I suppose I don't want to be responsible for the can of worms that will ensue - if they contact me I can blame them.. does that make any kind of sense to anyone but me?

Lueji Thu 04-Oct-12 11:38:09

TBH, they are less likely to contact you if they feel that you don't really want to make a complaint.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 04-Oct-12 18:32:44

I've left voicemail and sent an email to the officer who contacted me, now I'll just have to wait.

I have to do this. I can't let him do it to anyone else. I know that. So I'm pulling up my big girl pants and going to face it.

hoopieghirl Thu 04-Oct-12 18:33:42

Have been following you post since day 1 . I am so sorry this happened to you. Please be kind on yourself you are an amazingly brave lady.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Oct-12 19:17:21

Good girl. Pull them chest warmers high !

NicholasTeakozy Thu 04-Oct-12 19:40:14

Wow Crispy, you are an amazing and inspirational young lady.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 04-Oct-12 21:27:48

Thanks again all of you.. no response yet still. I've got a hospital appointment tomorrow but I might ring 101 on Saturday if I don't hear from them.. my determination is kicking in I think at long last.

Nicholas I'm not so young I'm afraid.. 43 39. Certainly old enough to have had more sense :/

AnyFucker Thu 04-Oct-12 21:37:07

< ahem >

HRH008 Fri 05-Oct-12 07:39:39

Think back to all those times you were with someone who could have taken advantage. And they didn`t. I´ve been on the point (literally, naked, about to start) of having sex with someone and then (for lots of complicated, hormonal, drunken reasons) changed my mind... and the sex stopped.

"Normal" human beings don`t take advantage.

You have plenty of sense. You just expected him to behave like a normal human being.

NicholasTeakozy Fri 05-Oct-12 09:54:10

Crispy there is nothing you did wrong, please do not blame yourself. That c&p thread I sent you shows that these predators seem to share the same MO.

Like HRH says, a normal man doesn't rape women, he listens when she asks him to stop.

Good luck at the hospital and with the police. Hopefully him getting arrested will persuade some of his other victims to come forward.

PeppermintPasty Fri 05-Oct-12 10:21:17

Morning Crispy...all power to your elbow, good luck if they contact you today.

How are you doing today Crispy?

HRH008 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:36:43

Sorry, just incase the word "stop" never came up ... it doesn`t have to ... even if you didn`t say a single word, he KNEW what he was doing, and he KNEW that it was wrong.

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 10:37:46

Have you heard back from the Sapphire officer, Crispy? If not, I suggest you hold off on 101 as all roads will lead to the specialist officers of that unit, iyswim.

If you haven't heard, give them a call or send another email today.

CrispyHedgehog Sat 06-Oct-12 11:44:25

The sapphire officer called last night, she wanted to take a statement this afternoon but I've got a friend staying for the weekend so we're going to leave it til next week. She was very understanding of my fears and said I could pull out at any time.. not under any obligation etc. We're going to have a good talk about all the things that are bothering me when we meet. She's going to give me a call this afternoon just to see how things are etc.

Apparently there are no previous reports or complaints about him, but she said she wasn't really expecting to find any because they're so vigorously vetted in that job.

She thinks they'll probably go with sexual assault rather than rape because it's more likely to result in a conviction.

I got good news at the hospital yesterday.. I had some surgery a few weeks ago and while he was in there digging around, the surgeon found some growths in my stomach which were sent off for biopsies and stuff, so I've been shitting myself that it was something awful.. but it's not!!!! grin

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 12:32:08

Great result! That's the biggest relief for you grin and you will feel more relief once you are able to articulate what happened to you to someone who's in a position to do something about it.

I'll add more over the weekend but, in the meantime, celebrate wine your good news with your friend and don't worry unduly about next week.

DreamingofSummer Sat 06-Oct-12 17:50:03

Crispy

Glad to hear the police are progressing this. Also really pleased about your good medical news. Stay strong and have a good weekend.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Oct-12 14:40:22

Still with you here x

aleene Sun 07-Oct-12 15:54:12

Glad you had good news from your surgeon Crispy.
Thinking of you.

brew hope your Monday is ok Crispy.

CrispyHedgehog Mon 08-Oct-12 21:40:34

Thanks all of you xxx

Nothing new for me but yesterday had to take my dd to hospital by ambulance. She was having a mc. She didn't even know she was pregnant. She's never had regular or normal periods so didn't realise she was late. My poor girl is feeling the loss of something she didn't know she wanted til it was gone. Nothing I say is going to make her feel better. I just feel so sad for her sad

Selfishly I was terrified calling the ambulance in case it would be him.

I just wish I could make my little girl feel better.

2isamagicnumber Mon 08-Oct-12 21:48:30

Oh crispy I'm so sorry for your dd. You've both had such terrible experiences recently. I hope your both OK. Please make sure you look after both yourself and your dd.

DreamingofSummer Tue 09-Oct-12 10:54:37

Crispy

Loads more hugs

foofooyeah Tue 09-Oct-12 10:56:19

Just popping in to see how you are. Sorry to hear about your daughter but I can so understand you being worried that he would be the paramedic to respond. I would have felt just the same.

Take care Crispy.

CrispyHedgehog Fri 12-Oct-12 09:33:28

Sorry I've not posted for a few days.. nothing new to tell you really.
Police want to see me for a statement on the 19th.. seems ages away and feels a bit that they're not that bothered confused

DD is much better, we had the impression that she wouldn't be able to get pregnant so this was a big shock, but on the +ive side, we now know that she can, so when she and her dp feel it's right, they can try again.

The rest of my life just feels like a car crash atm, if it can go wrong it does.. washing machine and dishwasher both died, I lent a friend my car for a week while I was in hospital and they got two parking tickets which they now don't have the funds to pay for and a whole heap of other stupid crappy things.

Gahhhh next year has to be better doesn't it?
Thanks all of you so much for your support.. I will keep posting here if that's ok xx

NicholasTeakozy Fri 12-Oct-12 13:04:51

Hi Crispy, sorry to read about your DD's MC and all your other bad news.

So they're making you wait another week? That's a bit rubbish IMO. Still, we're here if you need a virtual hand hold.

DreamingofSummer Fri 12-Oct-12 13:09:06

Crispy

Thanks for the update. Sending you ongoing support - take care

Lueji Fri 12-Oct-12 13:32:45

Concentrate on thinking that they will be taking your statement.
That is a good thing, even if it takes time.

On the parking ticket, I'd make it clear to friends that I'd be lending them the money and would expect payment soon.
They were idots. And I wonder if they knew they would probably get a ticket but didn't mind, because you'd be paying it. hmm

I'm glad your DD is feeling better.
If I'm not mistaken about 1/4 of pregnancies end in miscarriage, unfortunately, but it is always a good sign that she can get pregnant, indeed.

CrispyHedgehog Sun 14-Oct-12 18:21:59

I dunno what's wrong with me, feeling really really low today. I almost wish I wasn't here anymore.

sadbutproud Sun 14-Oct-12 19:30:29

oh Crispy sad, it's probably all starting to sink in a bit now and with everything that has happened with your dd too. Do you have a friend that can come over? Maybe a visit to the gp again tomorrow may help?

08457 90 90 90 samaritans number
0808 02 9999 rape crisis centre

don't be alone, keep talking on here

sadbutproud Sun 14-Oct-12 21:11:19

crispy can you let us know you're ok smile

CrispyHedgehog Mon 15-Oct-12 11:19:21

Sorry for not coming back sad, and I'm sorry for worrying you xx

I'm ok.. I took one of those diazepams the gp gave me and went to sleep.

There's another thread about date rape I just saw, and I'd really like to post something to help the op but I just can't find the words.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 11:27:01

Just concentrate on yourself, crispy

This is your thread and we are here for you

PeppermintPasty Tue 16-Oct-12 11:29:31

Been thinking about you Crispy, hope things are going along ok. Hope your DD is recovering well xx

aleene Fri 19-Oct-12 16:44:47

Hope you are okay Cripsy, been thinking of you today x

tschiffely Fri 19-Oct-12 17:05:14

Another one here thinking of you Crispy x

NicholasTeakozy Fri 19-Oct-12 18:46:14

Hi Crispy, have they finally taken a statement from you?

Movergirl Fri 19-Oct-12 22:30:39

Hope it went well. Am in kind of same position- but didn't meet in A & E. Friend has set me up with doc- but am getting nervous about bedroom side of things (although probably a tad presumptuous to even be thinking that far ahead..). Has anyone else had any similar experiences with medics? (I'm in accountancy). Advice please..

aleene Sat 20-Oct-12 01:49:44

Movergirl, I'm afraid dating is no longer the focus of this thread.

CrispyHedgehog Sat 20-Oct-12 09:48:38

Sorry I've not been back for a while.

No, it was postponed again, the officer dealing with my case was held up in court.
I think because I destroyed all the evidence and didn't report soon enough, I'm not a high priority because the chances of a conviction, or of it even getting to court are pretty low, so I expect they need to use their limited resources elsewhere. I can understand that from their pov and in some respects I'm even relieved.

NicholasTeakozy Sat 20-Oct-12 10:49:32

Morning Crispy, no need to apologise.

I understand your relief, and the reasons why you're not being treated as a priority. What you are doing (reporting and making a statement) is important. If it gets into the local media other women might then come forward. At the very least the police will arrest him which could cause him to stop raping other women.

izzyizin Sat 20-Oct-12 17:58:35

I just want to reaasure you that having reported this crime and in subsequently making a statement at some point, in NO WAY will this come to the attention of the media, Crispy.

However, if, after making your statement, he is arrested on suspicion of committing a criminal offence/brought in for questioning and this matter were to come to the attention of the press, the media would be free to report but, as you are guaranteed anonymity, your name will not appear at ANY time during the proceedings - or after the matter is concluded unless you waive your right to anonymity.

Don't worry, honey; there's no way you're going to wake up to find your name splashed all over the newspapers, but I have a sneaky but unrealsitic hope that he will as I have no doubt that it will encourage other victims to come forward.

Did you get to that pub, btw?

CrispyHedgehog Sun 21-Oct-12 15:44:07

oh blimey I hadn't even thought about the media.
I did wonder how his other potential victims (if there are any) would get to hear about it and just thought it would be through word of mouth/gossip once he'd been arrested.

Haven't heard anything from the police yet, I expect I will do during the week.. might just send an email to gently remind them.

I'm ok, just having a quiet time of it for now, getting ready to hibernate for the winter because I feel the cold terribly and I dread it. So I've been eating a lot of crap and managed to put on half a stone which is not good for a shortarse like me :/

Thanks again all of you.. I'd never survive this without you xx

izzyizin Sun 21-Oct-12 16:17:53

I seem to recall that the media/press was something you'd thought about way back in the thread, Crispy, when you expressed some concern as to people 'knowing' about what had happened and your name being bandied around but that won't happen because victims of rape are guaranteed anonymity.

However, that anonymity is not extended to the accused and if he's arrested on suspicion of or otherwise brought in for questioning, he'd be fair game if the press were to learn of it.

The days of reporters for local rags hanging around police stations to source stories are long gone, but tip offs occur iyswim and there are ways to get names 'out there'.

If he were to be formally charged with an offence he would be required to report it to his employer. Maybe someone who works for the NHS can comment on whether an arrest 'on suspicion of' pending further investigation by the police is an event that should be similarly reported?

Although he uses his employment to source victims he's unlikely to target any female he treats or who can be considered one of his 'patients', but I suspect there will have been some overlap somewhere along the line. I also suspect that he may have tried it on with other hospital personnel and, if the gossip factory were to go into production, the chances are that few will be unduly surprised that he's been accused of committing a sexual offence.

If it keeps you warmer, dont worry about the extra padding you've acquired for the winter months but maybe think about thermal underwear to save on heating bills smile

DreamingofSummer Mon 29-Oct-12 11:49:09

Crispy

How's things? Hope you are OK

CrispyHedgehog Fri 02-Nov-12 09:11:32

Sorry I've not updated.. truth is there's nothing new to tell.
The police don't seem interested at all.. have had several appointments arranged with them to make a statement which have then been cancelled (by them)

I give up.

That's awful shock Please don't give up Crispy. Have you spoken to rape crisis? Been back to your GP? You sound really low.

Lueji Fri 02-Nov-12 11:31:06

angry

Honestly, I'd be inclined to show up at the police station and give a statement to the duty police officer.

Or lodge a complaint.

aleene Fri 02-Nov-12 19:40:42

What Lueji and Tall WivGlasses said.
I would say don't be disheartened. The police must have huge caseloads and their cases must be everchanging. You may feel forgotten but your case is probably buried under others. That doesn't sound very positive but what I am trying to say is make contact again, you will be on a list somewhere of cases to follow up.

peedoffbird Mon 05-Nov-12 02:58:05

Hi Crispy. Thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. Hope all is well x

CrispyHedgehog Mon 05-Nov-12 10:52:57

I don't think it's something to make a complaint about, just that they have more urgent cases that take priority, as aleene said, and I fully understand that.

Tbh, life in general is pretty shit at the moment, the credit crunch is biting my arse and I'm struggling a bit. Plus I think the darkness outside is affecting my moods quite badly and I do feel low. I need to make a gp appt because I'm finding myself idly wondering what it would be like to step in front of a train and stuff like that.. there's no intent behind it but just the thoughts are worrying I think. I've been taking 20mg of prozac for about a month but it doesn't seem to help.

PeppermintPasty Mon 05-Nov-12 10:56:31

That is worrying Crispy, even to "idly" wonder. Do get to your GP. And do you feel strong enough to push it with the police? Finally reporting it may help some of the dark clouds lift. I'm actually quite shocked that they have taken such a casual attitude about this, I think they need a boot up their collective arse!

izzyizin Mon 05-Nov-12 13:13:17

The problem is that Sapphire has been overtaken and overwhelmed by the JS inquiries, Crispy, but I would urge you to make phone contact with whatever officer you've been dealing with and explain that the continual delaying of giving a statement is beginning to have an adverse effect on your health.

As a fellow SAD (seasonal affective disorder) sufferer, even when it's cloudy/wet I make sure that I get out into daylight for at least half an hour each day.

I also invested in a daylight therapy lamp which does make a difference and would urge you to get (and use!) one - they're reasonably priced on eBay and other outlets.

It can take some weeks for Prozac to kick in. If your thoughts are continually turning to 'wondering' what it would be like to end it all by whatever means, get back to your GP.

Upthread I expressed the view that making a statement won't necessarily bring him to justice, but it will help you move forward and you desperately need that piece of closure to do so. If Sapphire aren't forthcoming perhaps your doctor could chivvy them along on your behalf?

Have you done anything about smudging? Buy the sage sticks eBay and diy - it will help to change the atmosphere in your home and you can smudge yourself too!!

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 13:16:27

hello again, crispy

sorry you are feeling so low

go back to your gp and tell them how you are feeling

you may need your meds adjusting

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 13:17:09

smudging ? confused

PeppermintPasty Mon 05-Nov-12 13:24:45

yes do tell izzy. Sounds a right old hippy thing wink I am agog.

Schlock Mon 05-Nov-12 13:26:44

It means wafting burning sticks of sage around your house. Not sure how you might smudge yourself!

I'm shocked that the police haven't taken your statement yet. What kind of world do we live in that a report of rape is taken and not acted on?!!

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 14:06:51

oh

< ahem >

grin

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 14:07:12

I say, go get the drugs upped

CrispyHedgehog Mon 05-Nov-12 18:27:28

Thanks guys grin
I'd forgotten about the smudging! I think I had something similar done when I first moved into this house because it had a very bad vibe and lots of cold spots.. a woman came and wafted herby twigs around and then the house was better but it's never really felt like my home tbh.

Yeah I think I'll try and see my gp this week.. I realised earlier that I haven't been out of the house or spoken to or seen another human since last week :/ I do have a tendency to hibernate in the winter but not to this extent. I think I'm supposed to see a therapist this week too but I can't remember when or where - I'll have to dig out the letter blush

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 18:31:28

aww, crispy, don't let your health slide

please ?

for us ?

CrispyHedgehog Tue 06-Nov-12 19:59:28

I'm ok really.. just have a tendency to wallow smile

I've increased my vitamin D3.. I get it on prescription cos I can't absorb nutrients from food, b12 injection next week which should perk me up a bit hopefully and I did get out today for a few hours and actually felt better for it, even tho there wasn't much daylight cos it was peeing down with rain and freezing cold out, lol

Please don't worry about me.. I'm really really ok - promise xx

AnyFucker Tue 06-Nov-12 20:18:01

okaaaaay < dubious >

smile

izzyizin Tue 06-Nov-12 20:28:30

There's nothing wrong with a good wallow on occasion, honey, but don't allow it to become a daily event.

Much as I love the fall and enjoy each season in all of its glory, I find this time of year challenging as my bodyclock is telling me to veg out under a duvet and go into a form of hibernation until the festive season kicks off.

Try to spend 30 minutes or so outside every day and do whatever it takes to keep yourself focused on the here and now- and think about smudging or otherwise clearing negative energy from your home/clothes/person.

AnyFucker Tue 06-Nov-12 20:32:10

izzy, where have you been ?

get out from under that duvet, forthwith !

skyebluesapphire Tue 06-Nov-12 20:35:04

Hi Izzy, long time no see! I've been worried about you!

Crispy, hope you are ok.

stickthekettleon Wed 07-Nov-12 21:23:40

Hi, I just wanted to pop up as I've just read this entire thread. I hope you're okay crispy, you've been through something despicable. I know the police have gone quiet etc. but if/as and when this does resurrect with them it occurs to me that this thread is one of the best pieces of evidence you have, tracking as it does the awful night in real time?
Look after yourself my lovely x

CrispyHedgehog Fri 09-Nov-12 14:12:07

Thanks Kettle smile

I'm ok.. feeling better. Maybe the ad's and megadoses of vitamin d are finally kicking in. I saw an nhs therapist yesterday for an asssessment - she said they'd match me up with someone in the next few weeks.

I left a voicemail and emailed the officer I was dealing with. If they contact me again well and good, if not then.. well.. whatever.

Got a friend coming over tonight for dinner and some drinkies.. she's staying over so that will be a nice change - I'm actually looking forward to it smile

I've also signed up to go the mn xmas do shock are any of you going?

Hope everyone's ok.. love to you all and have a fab weekend xxx

DreamingofSummer Fri 09-Nov-12 14:39:20

Crispy

Good to see you posting again. Police - lazy gits!

Cyber hugs, please take care of yourself

CrispyHedgehog Tue 13-Nov-12 17:12:24

Thanks Dreaming.

Saw gp yesterday.. he's given me lorazepam and set the crisis team onto me sad

Anniegetyourgun Tue 13-Nov-12 17:17:19

Not sad, it's good, it means they're taking you seriously.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 13-Nov-12 17:22:15

It means they think I need locking up in secure hospital sad

izzyizin Tue 13-Nov-12 17:24:37

Why would they think that, Crispy?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 13-Nov-12 17:26:47

What? Not really? I mean, you're quite functional 'n' stuff, you're not a danger to yourself or anyone else - are you? So they can't section you without your consent, I don't think. I hope. Do you trust your GP?

CrispyHedgehog Tue 13-Nov-12 17:30:56

I told him that I'm feeling quite scared a lot of the time, and sometimes I think how much easier it would be if I just wasn't here anymore.. you know.. having to deal with shit.. and boom, I'm on some bloody watchlist :/

CrispyHedgehog Tue 13-Nov-12 17:31:48

I haven't harmed myself and I have no intention of so doing and I told him that but still.. got this crisis person on me now :/

Anniegetyourgun Tue 13-Nov-12 17:40:37

Oh, just a person, not actually locking you up at this point then <phew>. Maybe someone topped themselves in their practice recently, or he's been to one of those conferences that put the wind up him, and they're being extra careful. Surely that's better than than "here, take these pills, go away" and then find out too late you were glossing over how bad you felt. Anyway... make friends with your crisis person smile

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:49:39

good luck with the date[SMILE]

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:50:02

smile

CrispyHedgehog Tue 13-Nov-12 20:56:10

No, not locking me up yet lol.

my gp is fab, but I think he's over reacted a bit this time. He's never been a here take these pills sort.. my physical condition is quite unusual and he's really gone out of his way to learn about it over the years, which is pretty unusual, I've always had to take printouts of explanations and studies about it to previous doctors. He's given me lorazepam which I think are pretty heavy duty things, so I'm not going to take them unless I really really have to. And there's these crisis people, who were supposed to come this afternoon but didn't turn up - must be something about me huh? lol

PeppermintPasty Tue 13-Nov-12 21:01:41

Not you Crispy. Maybe they were having some sort of, er, crisis?
Sorry grin crap joke alert.

Glad you're still posting x

SweetSeraphim Tue 13-Nov-12 21:11:32

gloomy, do read the thread.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 13-Nov-12 21:23:50

haha.. that's what I thought too Pasty.. I'm guessing their job must be pretty unpredictable at times, ahh well, the only crisis here today was that I ran out of milk and couldn't go get anymore because I was waiting for the crisis team to turn up grin

Anniegetyourgun Tue 13-Nov-12 21:31:41

Should've rung them and asked them to bring some milk. Ah well, you weren't all that excited about meeting them so that's ok grin

gloomywinters2 Wed 14-Nov-12 08:49:17

i do apoligise crispy <NOTE TO ONE,S SELF don,t jump in before you read the whole thread > hope your ok.

CrispyHedgehog Wed 14-Nov-12 16:42:01

No worries gloomy.

I went out in the cold and dark and got me own milk annie sad I think I need a gofer perhaps lol

Crisis people came today. Asked all kinds of questions, eyes everywhere, looking around the place. Basically said that my gp is doing all the right things and they don't need to see me again, unless I get desperate and present at A&E. I'm seeing GP again on Monday morning.

so that's it. I'm glad they don't think they need to watch me, but at the same time I sort of feel a bit abandoned... it sounds silly and I've not expressed it properly.

MushroomSoup Wed 14-Nov-12 22:29:36

You're not abandoned. You have the wh

MushroomSoup Wed 14-Nov-12 22:30:11

Oops! I meant to say you have the whole MN Army behind you.

i'll second mushroom soup.

i have been thinking of you this week and sending bad vibes to that little shit of a man.

hope you're ok crispy. {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Is this your thread Crispy ?

CrispyHedgehog Thu 06-Dec-12 01:16:59

yes

izzyizin Thu 06-Dec-12 01:21:10

How's it going, Crispy? Any joy with the police?

CrispyHedgehog Thu 06-Dec-12 01:24:50

hey izzy smile never heard from them again

Crispy what are you going to do?

I could tell you many a tale

CrispyHedgehog Thu 06-Dec-12 02:29:16

Don't know tbh i

what! and they wonder why the fuck their rape convictions are so low.

are you all right?

Lueji Thu 06-Dec-12 15:00:40

They are probably hoping that you'll forget about it, or buried under a pile of papers.

ImperialBlether Thu 06-Dec-12 21:08:04

I have often thought of you, OP, and wondered how you are. It's absolutely disgraceful that the police didn't take it further. I hope you're alright. What an absolute bastard that man was and what absolute bastards the police are to ignore it.

PassportHell Thu 06-Dec-12 21:40:54

lurked a lot and posted under previous nn. Am shockshockshockshockangryangryangry that nobody has been in touch with you.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 06-Dec-12 22:36:29

Thanks all of you. I agree from the judicial point of view its pretty bad but I think for me personally I'm sort of relieved.

I've done my bit and reported it. Not entirely sure I was up for the legal battle tbh. Sorry if that makes me a wimp.

freeandhappy Thu 06-Dec-12 22:39:24

I think you are great and I'm so sorry about what was done to you. What a fucking evil bastard.

CrispyHedgehog Thu 06-Dec-12 22:54:09

Aanks free. Soryy phones gone on the the fritz x th

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 03:58:16

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 01:54:01
Did you get back to the police, or have they got back to you about making a statement ,*Crispy*?

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 02:09:17
Not heard a peep izzy. I don't blame them really. Their resources must be so streched and therefore they'll focus on the more sure things. Can't blame them for that even though its shitty.

I watched the accused last night. Scary that those attitudes haven't changed much sad

I really hope the op has a response she can be satisfied with and if she's anywhere near London I'm available for handholding and hugs

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 02:34:22
It was unfortunate that your ordeal coincided with careers being made additional pressure on Sapphire's meagre resources,Crispy.

Nevertheless, your attacker needs to be brought to the notice of the police as he will continue to pose a danger to the women he selects as his victims.

Now the Met's enquiries into matters related to the late Jimmy Savile* are almost at an end, I sincerely hope you'll get back to your contact and be forthcoming about the appalling lack of attention to your serious complaint.

*the simple act of typing this repulsive creature's name made me feel dirty.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 02:51:15
Thanks Izzy. Honestly I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I ought to contact him and apologise for not accepting his further aPproaches. Other times I question whether it really happened/i over reacted/led him on/ deserved it somehow.

Its a headfuck. I don't want to hijack the op's thread so I may continue elsewhere x

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 02:54:51
Aw jeez, Crispy - revive earlier thread and fgs don't give another thought to making contact with your rapist.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 03:38:25
Ithink I will do that Izzy. Can't get to it from my phone tho.

I'm fine for now. Got vodka and a blade which I won't use but find its presence reassuring. I'm really really ok. I pronise x

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 03:41:49

I'll revive it for you, honey.
______________________

Above is a copy of our 'conversation' on another OP's thread which is self explanatory.

It seems to me that you need hugs and handholding, Crispy, and I have no doubt that's what you're going to get here.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 04:18:30

Thanks Izzy x
I promise I'm ok. I'm so anaemic the blade probably wouldn't work. Ferritin is 4 and hb is 6. I'm due to go into hospital to be topped up. I can't OD cos I don't have enough digestive system to absorb enough to do any harm. I'm too chicken for anything else so no need to worry.

I never feel clean anymore. I've been contaminated and I can't get rid of that. I do have good people around me but I can't talk to them.

I'm sick of being sick and I'm sick of feeling like some kind of whore. Like I deserve what happened to me. I'm sick of thinking and rehashing and what I could have done different to make it not have happened.

The only wau to make it be over is if I stop taking the stuff that keeps me alive but that would take months.

Christ. I don't even know what I'm asking for here.

Sorry x

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 04:21:39

Lovely wise Izzy. I'm crying now. Maybe that's a good thing. Thank you xi

Crispy I am absolutely gobsmacked and disgusted with the way the police have treated you. I hope you're OK, it must be an absolutely awful thing to come to terms with, and my heart goes out to you.

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 04:46:32

I'm extremely concerned that lack of police attention to this matter has caused you to seek some solace in minimising/trivialising the fact that a predatory male selected you for the sole purpose of exercising power over a woman of small/slight stature by attacking and raping her after he had waited for her to go to sleep.

I suspect that a narrow escape caused him to modify his modus operandi whereby he adopts some subterfuge - in your case pretending to be sound asleep and unwakeable - to remain in his victim's home overnight in order to further refute any allegation of his having committed a sexual offence on an unwilling party.

It's unlikely that the festive season elapsed without him having reoffended and it's probable there is another woman, or women, who felt as you did, and are feeling as you do now, because they did not report him to the police - and they are just the latest in what I further suspect is a long and ever growing list of his victims.

This man is dangerous, Crispy, and I am convinced he has come to the attention of a police force somewhere, possibly the regional authority where he goes diving or maybe under his 'real' name rather than the one he allegedly subsequently adopted/assumed.

I urge you to get back to the officer who was and is charged with investigating your complaint and raise Cain inform them that unless your complaint is taken seriously, you will have no alternative but to make contact with your MP.

Please do it, honey - when your experience becomes validated by the police you're going to be abe to put away that blade, albeit you may still feel need for a vodka or 2 now and again.

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 05:14:36

I never feel clean anymore. I've been contaminated and I can't get rid of that

Yes, you can get rid of it, honey. He's the skank, the unclean predator who strikes in the night after luring his prey into a false sense of security using his job as an equally false banner of honour.

He's a foul minded inadequate. A pathetic excuse for a man who can only get his rocks off by acts of sexual dominance.

He may have touched your body, my love, but he didn't touch you , the inner Crispy, the soul that remains inviolate no matter what abomination is visited on the physical body within which it's housed.

I'm sick of feeling like some kind of whore. Like I deserve what happened to me. I'm sick of thinking and rehashing and what I could have done different to make it not have happened

You're not a whore, honey. You're a woman who was duped; taken in by a well-practised sexual predator who has fooled many other women who, just like yourself, did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to deserve what he does to those he perceives as being weaker than himself.

In common with his other victims, and the countless numbers of women and girls who have been brutalised and raped by strangers, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you could have done to make it not have happened.

If you hadn't agreed to meet him, he would have no doubt kept up a charm offensive until you gave in and it would have been infinitely worse had this come about because you were flattered by his persistence.

Don't beat yourself up for this worthless turd, Crispy. Save the self-flagellation for your real sins - and this ain't one of them, my dear.

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 05:39:04

After an ordeal of the nature you endured, feelings of self-disgust are not uncommon and can manifest in self-neglect.

Please get in touch with www.rapecrisis.org.uk and talk through your feelings. You'll get a ton of support and encouragement here, but there's nothing quite like hearing the words in real time in real life and you very much need to hear them being spoken to you by a real voice, Crispy.

Make it your priority for today.

I'm glad izzy revived your thread Crispy, this is no good at all, is it? Please phone Rape Crisis. I'm horrified the police never got back to you. I wonder how many women have received the same treatment from him since. Look after yourself. Lots of people here care x

Skyebluesapphire Wed 06-Feb-13 12:48:16

Crispy - I'm sorry that the police never got back to you, that is disgraceful sad

Please take Izzy's advice and contact rapecrisis, or the Samaritans. Talking it all through WILL help you...

Crispy I've PM'd you.

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 14:04:18

If I was with you today, Crispy, after a lot of hugs the heating would be whacked up, you'd be wrapped in a fluffy blanket, fed a bowl of nourishing soup, and I'd dial 0808 802 9999 and hold your hand while you speak to Rape Crisis.

Unfortunately you've got to do this by yourself but please know that you've got a virtual army of mumsnetters by your side when you make the call and I hope you'll do it today so that your nights get easier for you.

PeppermintPasty Wed 06-Feb-13 14:18:49

Hello lovely, I can't add to what others have written, I just want you to know that we're all here and that you matter.

wine brew and thanks (meaning flowers wink) for you

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-Feb-13 14:34:34

Please believe it wasn't your fault, nothing you could have said or done would have stopped this predator's attack beforehand, it was all his doing.

Flashbacks or extreme anxiety, however this memory manifests itself, please keep posting here or ring Rape Crisis or The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 15:41:21

Oh lord.. thanks all of you.

I'm soo sorry.. i was a bit very drunk last night blush

I'm really really really fine, I promise xxx

DreamingofSummer Wed 06-Feb-13 17:42:11

Hi Crispy

Nothing to add but lots of support and cyber hugs.

take care and look after y'self

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 23:11:52

If you are feeling like a whore, feeling you deserved what happened to you, believing you'll never feel clean again, and are considering self-harming when you are drunk, I will put money on these thoughts eating away at you when you're sober.

You need to heal and he needs to be stopped. PLEASE, Crispy, make the calls before you reach for the bottle again.

Jux Wed 06-Feb-13 23:27:31

Crispy, what you have experienced can be sublimated, but will come out and bite you. It would be good if you could make the calls as Izzy says, but at the very least, in order to look after yourself, try to arrange for counselling. You need to get this out rather than plastering on a smile and shoving the whole ugly business firmly down. Pretending that it didn't happen and that you are perfectly fine takes up so much energy, for one thing.

It is an awful thing to have in your life. I am so sorry. thanks

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