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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

(1000 Posts)
Mouseface Mon 24-Sep-12 11:09:56

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....hmm

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus. smile

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me <not really> wink so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon smile x

Fairenuff Mon 24-Sep-12 18:06:28

< hoiks up leopard skin thong nylon bloomers >

< bagsies seat right at the back >

< goes back to old thread before getting told off by Mouse grin >

kotinka Mon 24-Sep-12 18:25:42

roomy, I like the new paint job. Nice! ;-)

hoopieghirl Mon 24-Sep-12 20:09:27

Making myself comfy in my big girl pants. Alcohol free since 5 August but its hard smile

aliasjoey Mon 24-Sep-12 20:14:08

oh here you are. Was looking for you on the other thread.

Welcome hoopie

Love new thread name, hope everyone's cozy indoors whilst ts so horrible out of doors. Not drunk since the 4 drinks I had at wedding but eating TONS!! This is not good either! Feel like I can really taste flavours more.

Daisy0407 Mon 24-Sep-12 22:47:24

Evening all X

I'm at the end of day 5. I struggled all weekend, but didn't buy wine. The key thing for me is definitely not to have anything in the house.

I'm struggling with a family issue at the moment. Not DH and the kids but my brother. The problem I have is that if I don't back down it could rip my family apart sad

I'm not 100% sure why I can't give in over his matter. It doesn't help that I have zero respect for my brother. He is such a "woe is me" person. Goes on about the crap childhood he had. I was there too! He's selfish, puts my mum through hell sometimes.

Anyhow, need to deal with this somehow. Wine won't help. Would help me sleep, but nowt else!! I'm feeling really stressed about it though. I've told rl people about it ad they agree with me. But I wonder if they're doing tht just because they like me. I need to ask for some honest opinions.

kotinka Mon 24-Sep-12 23:51:40

hello everyone - Yay! I accidentally killed the last thread.

Hiya hoopieghirl, haven't seen you for a while, well done on your amazing success!

Clutter, I noticed that too, I seem to be replacing booze with sugar a bit. Not great, but I'm hoping I can cut back soon. Gained a few pounds when I really need to LOOSE!

Daisy, yes, has to be a booze free house here too. If it would help, feel free to tell us what you're struggling with, there are some very clever peeps here.

thurso1 Mon 24-Sep-12 23:52:15

kotinka smile

See you tomorrow xx

GoldenSeptember Tue 25-Sep-12 00:40:14

<<slinks in and bags seat in side car>>

NoNoNoMYDoIt Tue 25-Sep-12 07:22:54

Getting seat on bus not too near back as I get travel sick. Hope this one is less germ laden. Still coughing and snottering

clutter - very well done indeed!

greeneyed Tue 25-Sep-12 07:29:30

Good morning brave babes, still looking around

GilbGeekette Tue 25-Sep-12 07:53:53

Hi all. I'm new to this board. I'll have been dry for 11 years on 1 October.

I found out a few weeks ago that my ExH and father of my two DDs is terminally ill. We're all very shocked, and my DDs are desperately upset. Eldest is 16 and lives with her Dad and his wife. Youngest is 14 and lives with me and my DH. They're both in pieces and I'm emotionally worn out. I'm talking to them, and listening to them and I feel like a sponge; I'm soaking up all their fear and sadness, but that's my job as their mum, right? To love them and to do everything I can to support them.

For the last few years, being dry hasn't felt like work at all (hurrah) but now that little voice is back, nagging away in the back of my head. The only stuff we have in the house is DHs red wine (which I loathe, so it's never bothered me) and my seal unbroken bottle of bourbon. Whenever I've wanted to drink, I have a 'stare-off' with the bottle, to prove to myself that I'm strong and I can win. I always have done. It's getting harder to win.

Does anyone have any ideas about beating off the 'just one won't hurt' voice?

Hi and welcome GilbGeekette I'm new to this bus too but have found the most helpful people on this people. That's amazing that you have been dry for almost 11 years, you must definitely be one very strong lady. So sorry to hear about your hard time, altho you are being there for your children as you feel this is what you need to do as role of mother it must also be awful for you mixed up with feelings you once had for this this man. I have often had that voice saying "one won't hurt" and also had people saying that to me which makes it so hard to resist. I'm currently trying to overcome nearly 20 years of destructive drinking and in my opinion one nearly always does hurt and especially if it's wine. What would you be hoping to be feeling by having one, would you get that from one, would you need another, then another? Sure someone will be along to offer some better support/advice. For me though to try to beat that one won't hurt voice I would keep telling myself it would, and remember times that it has. Good luck smile

Nat38 Tue 25-Sep-12 08:23:44

Clutter I`m eating a fair amount of chocolate at the moment too!! I`ve always been a savoury person rather than a sweet person-I reach for the crisps rather than the chocolate normally!blushgrin Hoping it will wear off very soon as I really don`t need to put on any more weight as I`m already rather large!gringrin
GilbGeekette Hi wow 11 years!! well done You WILL win the stare-off with the bottle, if only to keep supporting your kids at this sad time! Please don`t start again after 11 years! The only advice I can give about `just one won`t hurt` voice is that with me once I`ve had one that voice says`well another won`t hurt` so I`m finding it easier not to have that first drink!winksmile
i`m now alcohol free for about a week & a half & feeling rather good about myself-except for the chocolate eatingshockgrin

GilbGeekette Tue 25-Sep-12 08:33:19

Clutter Thanks. It's all made harder by the fact that ExH and I didn't have a good relationship, he was a terrible husband, but is a good father. It feels a bit like I'm being expected to ignore all the bad stuff and think of him as a saint now, think that might sound awful, but they're just feelings that don't go away!

Both you and Nat are right about just one hurting. It's a case of 'one is too many, but two isn't nearly enough' with me. I'm back to taking it hour by hour, something I thought I'd left behind a long time ago blush I'm quite glad I'm less than a week off my 11 year anniversary, the passing of another dry year has always been something that I mark so it makes me more determined not to slip, as it were.

It's really nice to have other people who get what it feels like. DH is very supportive but has such huge levels of self-control that I think he tries, but doesn't understand, the complicated emotional struggles that sometimes happen when you know you can't drink but still want to!

greeneyed Tue 25-Sep-12 09:13:08

I am reliant upon and abuse alcohol, I haven't been to the places many of you have been and have also never given up so probably aren'y qualified to comment. However if it is anything like quitting smoking, I gave up for 8 years decided one won't hurt when I go out which led to a few won't hurt when I go out etc etc, a long slide down but two years later I am addicted again and standing out in the rain and cold puffing on a fag and hating myself for it. Allowing yourself to have just one is the key that opens the door and the floodgates. Sorry this is probably not relevant at all! Does addiction ever leave or just wait around the corner waiting to pounce?

greeneyed Tue 25-Sep-12 09:19:00

I sometimes think that the longer you have the quit womething the more vunerable you are as the more confident you are in your mastery of the substance

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 10:10:21

clutter - "one nearly always does hurt" grin

Another alcohol-free (wine) house. If its there, I'll drink it, so it's just easier not to. Noticed my DH has started cutting down on his beers too, the influence of the Bus reaches far!!

Golden September is that you?

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 10:13:07

Daisy let it all out, scream and shout. We're listening.

geek 11 years is brilliant, I hope you don't give in now.

dementedma Tue 25-Sep-12 13:07:57

makes room in the sidecar for Golden
took me ages to find you buggers...mutter...mumble...gurmble

kotinka Tue 25-Sep-12 14:44:25

Ma I can tell you're in need of the angry gran icon ;-)

GilbGeekette Tue 25-Sep-12 14:56:27

Kotinka grin

GoldenSeptember Tue 25-Sep-12 15:08:35

grin at Joey Yes it's me! I'm still here, lurking. Took me a while to catch up with the end of the last thread though - busy few days on the bus!

Gilb I agree with Green about it being like smoking. You think 'one won't hurt' but it will wake up the little monster inside you which will then want feeding. It won't be that hungry to start with, but the more you feed it, the hungrier it'll get, and before you know it, it'll be clamouring at you all the time. Eleven years is a fantastic achievement. Don't blow it now, drinking will not help you or your DDs in any way at all - it will make things worse.

Kotinka sorry to read that things have been so bad for you lately. Hope you're through the darkness and out the other side.

<<squishes in beside Ma, opens thermos of tea>>

ruralreynard Tue 25-Sep-12 18:37:00

Just checking in. <sits on seat next to nono puts on facemask to ward off germs>
day 4 and the wine is calling. Agree with green about it being like smoking and the little monster. TBH had quit smoking for 6 months and have now started again not many but creeping up, not sure whether to take the miflaw view and concentrate on the alcohol problem or to try and not pick up the first cigarette as well as the first drink.
Mean,t to say big welcome to gilb and 11 years is fantastic smile
golden I seem to spend a lot of time in the sidecar so try not to get to comfortable it might be a tight squeeze in there soon grin
koti you sound more positive hope things are on the up.
Control Freak calls, Probably wants his bottom wiped grin
bye for now.

kotinka Tue 25-Sep-12 20:41:48

Does addiction ever leave or just wait around the corner waiting to pounce? greeneyed, I'm in the very early stages of giving up, but I've got this horrible feeling the addiction will always be there and if I give in I'll be binge-ing* again.

How do you even spell bingeing?!!

Hello Glib, well done on 11 years. Now's the time you really need all that strength & willpower you've built up to not let a difficult time cause you problems.

Mouse - things any better today with your DH? Colds getting better yet?

Golden & Rural, thanks, things are picking up, day 12, first craving today, triggered again by pain. But I'm still shocked at my behaviour, so not giving in.

SAF, thanks for the info, I'm seeing the doc tomorrow & the SS will be back tomorrow to poke their noses about unhelpfully again.

I'm very aware that their priority has to be the children, but it feels like they couldn't give a toss about me. Sometimes feels like I as a separate person, ceased to exist once I had kids. I still can't fathom how they view my kids to be at risk because I'm depressed, especially since the kids have their dad. Would they say that if I had any other life threatening illness? Would they say that if it was their dad who was depressed? But I can't trust my mind any more, I might be deluding myself.

Isinde - where are you? jump on, we're off to bognor ;-)

Deeli11 Tue 25-Sep-12 20:53:05

Glad the bus is back because I need it more than ever. Sat with a glass of white wine, packet of cigarettes, a relationship with the line 'drifted apart' running straight through it & a box of tissues (some soggy). sad
Gave up drink for a while (lime & soda sales soared!) thanks to the old bus.
I will wait at the bus stop for my moment to jump on board.

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 20:57:11

evening babes

Day 13.

My DD is entering a talent show run by DHs work. She has a good chance of winning too! (Last year she won a years fees to her stage school)

We got through the details today. My first thought wasn't how to support DD if she didn't win. It wasn't even what to do with the money (£1,000!!!) if she did win.

It was 'oooh! there's going to be a bar!' blush

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 21:00:14

kotinka sorry to hear you're feeling bad. Is there anyone who could be with you when SS come round? To advocate for you (and to help you see if you are deluded or not) Someone you feel sure is on your side?

kotinka Tue 25-Sep-12 21:00:29

Deeli11 aw, you sound really effed off. Is the relationship something you want to fix?

Well done Joey, fingers crossed for your daughter - what's her act?

Mouseface Tue 25-Sep-12 21:04:04

Good Evening Fair Babes

I am a mashed up medley of snot, thank you for asking Koti - re tomorrow, even if you were Mary Poppins, SS and SW in general seem to come with a predisposed label that they are born Satan, wielding fire and brimstone umbrellas.

Yes, of course, children are their number one concern, that's how the system works lovely BUT................. YOU MUST be positive. You care about your DCs, no-one can say otherwise but they have to tick he boxes, circle the numbers, sign you off etc.... you went through some pretty dark shit there sweets, they are looking out for ALL OF YOU.

Just take the pressure out of the situation. Whoever it is who is coming, is coming to make sure that all is well. SS/SW would ALWAYS prefer to keep families together as long as there was/is no reason (serious harm/danger etc) for them not to be.

Ask. Ask for help. Ask what she/he can do, will do now..... have they offered you support at all?

I have to go now but will be back in the morning. Sorry not to add more.....

Be safe Babes, nice to see new faces and those who have 11 whole amazing years under their belts (YOU WILL KEEP THEM!!!)

Mouse xx

dementedma Tue 25-Sep-12 21:09:39

Bus bug has claimed another victim - sneezes violently all over the sidecar. Scuse me. wipes nose on golden

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 21:12:23

Was that what they call a stealth boast? Sorry blush

Anyway have to think seriously about whether I want to have a drink at the talent show because I will be meeting all of my DHs new colleagues...

kot I think mouse has it right when she says SS do want to keep families together (it costs too much to have children in care anyway!) and you could ask them what they will do to support you.

kotinka Tue 25-Sep-12 21:16:24

Thanks Mouse & Joey, I'll do that.

Joey - could be embarrassing if you go OTT, do you think you could keep it to 2 drinks? Personally, I can't stop once I start.

(chucks hankies at Ma, hums greensleeves to herself)

mrsm68 Tue 25-Sep-12 21:22:02

I'm coming along for the ride smile

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 22:22:13

kotinka you're right, it could be embarrassing - especially if she wins. I'd be sobbing, declaring to everyone that she'd be famous, that she had a gifthmm

But the nerves - the show, the act, the meeting of new people etc! I haven't done a thing like this (DHs works do) sober for... well possibly about 15 or 20 years. But I also find it hard to stop once started.

Hope everything goes okay for you tomorrow. Remember the SS are on your side (even if they do have funny ways of showing it)

aliasjoey Tue 25-Sep-12 22:23:57

maybe make a list of what happened in your situation, any triggers; what you are doing now to prevent a recurrence; what they could do to support you in that. Practical things.

GoldenSeptember Tue 25-Sep-12 23:15:41

<<moves swiftly into corner of sidecar so that there is room for Rural between me and snotbag Ma>> grin

Mouseface Wed 26-Sep-12 09:57:02

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Golden - are you a new Babe who I've missed to say hello to? blush How very rude of me, hello.

Joey - I agree with your advice to Koti re making a list and asking them what they would do if they were in your shoes.................. of course they may refuse to answer. Being all pure and saintly like wink

Don't think the worst, you have no idea what they will say. Keep an open mind and ASK QUESTIONS if you have them, their are there to support YOU and keep you all as a happy, safe family unit.

You fucked up. You're not the first, nor the last but this has to be the first and last time for YOU. Thinking of you xx

Mouseface Wed 26-Sep-12 10:06:05

<dons surgical mask and gloves, sprays Bus with Detol antibac spray and hands out pills and potions (of the non alcoholic kind) to those who are poorly and need looking after>

Seriously, I feel worse at the start and end of each day! Yuk. Snot is my new foundation, not sure it's my best look but it's all I have to work with right now.

Respite worker is due today..... major meltdown by Nemo is due around 12.15pm so if you see a large mushroom shaped cloud over SHropshire, that'll be here!!

I hope that all of the Babes are safe and not flooded? It's awful when your home is damaged by mother nature. sad

We have The One And Only Julia Donaldson (writer of The Gruffalo) in town today from 4pm so I expect the entire village to be gridlocked by erm, well, now! She's in a local book shop so the place will be a haven of 'got to get little Johnny there to meet her' mothers.

I am not going. I'm going to soft play hell as it will be deserted, thanks to Ms Donaldson grin

Right, time to update some pics.... will put some on my profile later. smile

morning.

i'm going to sit at the back with a big blanket and watch movies (monitors in the backs of seats and remote control in the armrests folks - only the best for this bus).

horrible change in weather seems to have me beat - exhausted and feeling like i have my own little grey cloud following me around drizzling on me hmm not helping that my period is pissing about with the false starts then nothing game - just get on with it so i can feel the release of pressure damnit.

welcome to newcomers. i'm not usually this glum, honest.

,,hands Saf the softest, warmest and most cuddly blanket known to fabric makers the world over...>>

Just wrote mahoosive post and lost it when system when down and now have to race fro train.

tis me birthday today and I am feeling so much happier as I am at home every night this week hooray!

Take care lovelies and welcome new Babes

gotta run xxx

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 10:35:27

Happy Birthday Isinde!!!

have a great day.

EllieorOllie Wed 26-Sep-12 11:08:50

Morning babes, just checking in.

Drank last night, 'only' two glasses of red, but still too much for me. Had a bit of a revelation though about how some of my drinking relates to my childhood and adolescence. I was brought up in an emotionally abusive household by a very controlling father and when I escaped and started drinking it had a lot to do with self-medicating for my emotional pain but also a lot to do with, 'no one can tell me what to do anymore, I get to make my own choices, I can drink myself into a coma if I want to'. Not particularly logical but that was definitely how I felt. And I felt a hint of that last night. What I've got to work on now is knowing that actually it's an equally legitimate choice to not drink or to drink sensibly. There's nothing to fight anymore except my issues but yet still I keep on trying to make some kind of 'point', perhaps to myself I guess. Hmm.

Anyway, happy birthday isinde

Koti I've been pretty much exactly where you are now. For me ss involvement ended when the community mental health team were happy with my progress. I was very angry that they were interfering at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight I accept that dd was indeed at risk and I think it was handled really well. It really sucks though. Like everyone says, you've got to make sure to tick all their boxes. I was far too confrontational and shut down when the process started, it didn't help anything. No matter how you feel you've got to suck it up and engage with them.

Hello to everyone else, and welcome new babes

aliasjoey Wed 26-Sep-12 11:43:05

isinde happy birthday, hope you have a great day!

mouse I think 'golden' is 'mia' under a different name...

WaterIsMyNewBestFriend Wed 26-Sep-12 11:59:54

Hi - I'm new on this thread (have name changed for fear of being outed in RL.

Just wondering if I could hop on board - I could use some support as TODAY I have decided to quit drinking.

Quite when a shared bottle of wine with dh on a Friday and Saturday night mutated into a bottle of wine every night happened, I have no idea.

And then every now and then a second bottle is opened for "just another glass".

It's not good is it? For both of us to be doing this is totally irresponsible to ourselves and our DC - I am ashamed.

I don't want to be like this anymore. It's boring.

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 12:10:33

Water - hello! Good for you!! I was in the same pattern as you, drinking 1 to 2 bottles of wine a night for about 6 months before I saw I was on a bad road. I don't get it right all the time yet, but I'm glad I'm trying. Some of the girls here gave me some good advice for starting out -

- make sure you have alternative drinks in the house that are almost just as appealing as wine.

- You may notice you're craving sugar for a few weeks - just go with it for a bit, it wears off.

- Try to keep the house booze free, sometimes just knowing booze is available can drive you nuts.

And talk about it, it helps.

Ellie thanks, I'll do my best to follow the advice & let you know how it goes. I was a bit frosty the first time they "popped in", but I know they're coming today & I'm ready for them.

I went to the GP today & he thinks it's possible my thyroid problem's contributing to feeling depressed, so I had a blood test & I'll get the results next week. Fingers crossed.

Thank you everyone for being there through this shitty time, I feel like I'm almost through the worst now.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 26-Sep-12 12:37:29

happy birthday isinde

hoping the bugs are defusing in the new bus. i start every day feeling not to bad and the aches and the snot build throughout the day

had very strong cravings for alcohol last night - mostly because i felt so ill and thought 'what the hell'. fortunately no booze in the house so no chance of acting on the cravings

ellieorollie - sounds very familiar. i think i drank also partly because my mother was so controlling that the drinking (which was something she NEVER did and was very 'anti') was almost a conscious act of flying in her face. and it coincided with me leaving home, going to uni and for once not having to account for everything i did to someone. unfortunately, it didn't end well in my case...

received my in scope for redundancy notification today. very unnerving. won't find out till 14/11 for sure but will know by mid-Oct whether i am actually going to be made redundant

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 26-Sep-12 12:39:54

kotinka - i do hope things go ok this afternoon for you.

water - welcome. in my case DEFINITELY having no alcohol in the house is key

jesuswhatnext Wed 26-Sep-12 12:42:07

hello you lovely lot!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISINDI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 13:14:20

Afternoon JWN!

slightly irrelevant, but I just made turkey kofte kebabs. Hope they're edible!

Mouseface Wed 26-Sep-12 13:30:48

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU LOVELY ISINDE XxXxX

Saf - here, get under here with me <throws giant fluffed duvet across to the back of the Bus> Sorry you're feeling low and not firing on all cylinders. I am currently living on hot chocolate <lighter version>, cold, flu and cough caps from Wilko's of all places. They really do work and I have Benylin Mucus cough syrup with menthol in which is gorgeous. It really does help!

Hi to water you are in the right place as long as you don't mind the current snot infestation and a little grey cloud above the Bus..... (Saf - you're not the only one with a bit of grey cloud thing going on, I want my bed, shut all the doors, shut the world out for a while, I hate this weather, so glum, here if you want to chat sweets xx)

And hi Ellie and anyone else who is new or not been here for a while, like JWN! <mock stern look>

Thanks Joey smile

I look adorable, honest! envy <---- this colour grin

Off to take Nemo to soft play for a while so I can hide on a sofa with a huge mug of something and maybe some toast. I'm not hungry today either....

Back later, Mouse xx

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 13:32:36

mucus is so your colour, mouse ;-) Have a good time.

ruralreynard Wed 26-Sep-12 13:39:23

Happy Birthday isinde pleased for you that you don't have to be away from home this week smile.

koti second the advice from the other babes regarding SS. Hope it all goes well.
Welcome water you will find lots of support and good advice from the babes on this bus. Good luck with day 1.
mouse ma nono and anyone else suffering from the lurgy, really hope you recover soon.
day 5 for me, can't get off sleep at night as usual when I am not drinking but know know that it does get better after a couple of weeks if I get that far.
Do feel that the fog I was in 5 days days ago is lifting so really must not give in to the cravings.
golden thanks for moving over in the sidecar, don't fancy catching thr lurgy from ma tho so will be staying in my nice cosy seat inside the bus, for now anyway grin

<accepts blanket and duvet>

happy birthday isinde smile

aliasjoey Wed 26-Sep-12 17:16:35

I just tried to cut my own hair (following that mumsnet video) and totally screwed it up. Ended up still really long at the back, and with an unexpected fringe. Also a peculiar bit on top which is short and light and flyaway - and therefore sticks up like some sort of mini-beehive. Of course, I couldn't just accept the mistake and book into the hairdressers to get into sorted.

No, I then tried to attack it, shorten the back and generally hack it about. (Incidentally, I note that in the video someone else eg mum or sister cuts the hair. Me, I try to do it on my own with a pair of kitchen scissors. grin)

I can honestly say I've done more stupid things sober than drunk. BUT what then happens is I like to have a drink afterwards to blot out the memory.

Am feeling generally like I'd love to get some wine tonight. Not having a very stressful time (apart from the haircut-from-hell) but still would like a drink.

Its 2 weeks today. It looks like the sidecar is full of snot, so I will stay on the bus. Hope you guys feel better soon.

And welcome to water

thurso1 Wed 26-Sep-12 17:32:10

Yaay! I have been internet-less at home since Tuesday morning. It's just come back on.
Whatever did I do before!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISINDE, and many, many happy returns.

Love to all, just going to have a read smile

xxxx

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 19:31:19

joey, you're responsible for severe nasal burns as I just snorted coffee from laughing at your hair-don't.

alright thurso, in't the internet great!

aliasjoey Wed 26-Sep-12 19:47:49

glad to have cheered you up kotinka. How did it go today with SS?

dementedma Wed 26-Sep-12 19:56:55

Happy birthday indie! I would offer a hug but I'm germy. bails snot out of sidecar with pail

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 19:59:43

I think it went well but I'd guess I'll not really know till they write to me.

I stayed in the kitchen cooking tea earwigging while they talked to the kids, the kids basically just wanted to talk about toys. The only question that made me squirm was "if you could change anything, what would it be", I was dreading something like "mummy telling us off" but they said "we want to have the telly on in the mornings when we're getting ready for school".

It was really quick, they were only here 15 minutes. Fingers crossed!

aliasjoey Wed 26-Sep-12 20:10:26

15 minutes! they clearly don't think there is a serious risk. You can relax, but hopefully not over a glass of wine smile

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 20:12:51

Nope, the urge is there, but I'm not doing it, I don't need the hassle. Life is better like this.

aliasjoey Wed 26-Sep-12 20:27:48

That's brilliant koti!

I'm trying to work out what is is that makes me want a drink right now... its not that my haircut looks stupid (although it does!) I don't really care what other people think. It's more frustration with myself for not having patience or lacking foresight...

It's not embarrassing, but I'm cross with myself... I always seem to do things without planning or thinking it through... or I know its the wrong thing and do it anyway...

maybe if I know there won't be any alcoholic oblivion later it will act as a deterrent?

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 20:35:22

For me, I'd really like a drink for that fuzzy separating myself from reality feeling and a good deep sleep, but instead I've come on here & talked general nonsense and played a bit of music, which is kind of putting me in that silly mood anyway without drinking.

The oblivion bit - are you having trouble sleeping?

I wouldn't be down on yourself about the haircut, I've tried it myself. Could the impulsiveness be down to trying to find a distraction?

Mouseface Wed 26-Sep-12 20:41:55

Evening all, tis me, Mouse

Very quick post - Koti - Job done imo (and it os only that, I have no PERSONAL exp). If they were still concerned, the children would have been 'separated' as such and talked to about the same things in differnet ways so......

Child A - SW "oh, that train looks good, who got you that?"

Child B - SW "oh, that is a cool train, I love the colour of the doors" and then will wait for child to say Mummy got it, Daddy, uncle 1, 2, 3 and 4 etc.... you get the picture if they wanted to probe them, they would have done.

Sounds like the TV answer would be a totally normal one in a busy school morning house lovely.....

No TV? Cripes, you wicked woman you wink. They were there for 15 mins tops, if they wanted more, they'd have talked to the DC seperatly too I'd have thought, and you.

Did they even ask YOU how you were? I really hope you feel okay about it all, you still need to feel safe, stable. Use us for that okay?

We can help until the dark clouds clear more.

I have to go, DH is rolling his eyes at me, they are going to be covered in dust when I roll them back, I am in no mood for cleaning! grin

Night all xxxx

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 20:45:24

Thanks mouse, you are fab! I'm doing ok, I feel really relieved that the doc said it might be down to the low thyroid too. I just have to remember this fuck up & never ever make the mistake again.

How was soft play? Ear splitting as usual?

Daisy0407 Wed 26-Sep-12 22:09:16

Hello smile

Had a major wobble tonight. Almost, nearly, picked up my bag before taking the kids to tennis, so that I could stop at the shop to get a bottle of wine. So glad that I went out empty handed. By the time we got home, the urge had passed anyhow.

It's so easy to go wrong isn't it?

Koti that fuzzy feeling really isn't worth it. I'm slowly realizing that the feeling in the morning after NOT drinking is far better than the fuzzy feeling X

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 22:15:15

excellent willpower there Daisy!

aliasjoey Wed 26-Sep-12 22:16:02

kotinka thats a very interesting point about impulseiveness being a distraction - need to think about that.

I do usually have trouble sleeping & also am just a genera worrier.

daisy It's funny how the urge often passes if we don't give in to it.

ShouldIgetonthebus Wed 26-Sep-12 22:26:32

So.....am at the bus stop, not sure whether I need or want to get on.

I used to be a regular drinker but not every night and not to puking-in-my-shoes excess. When I was PG I stopped drinking without a problem, found fags alot harder to give up tbh, and I have been pg more than once. I found that the pub scene bored me rigid without a drink (THAT is why people get drunk, because other people who are drunk are soooo fucking boring!) so I stopped going out. Didnt bother me at all.

However (and this may out me, so please keep it to yourself if you know who I am) after my youngest child was born less than 2 years ago, I found out the my husband had been having an affair. I only stayed because the baby was newborn and I had older ones too.

Since then my drinking has increased to the point where I am drinking every night, and atleast a bottle of wine but usually a bottle and a half. I drink from 7pm (never earlier, that is a rule which I know is a flag) til about 2 am, and I drink wine with water as I cant drink it straight. It started because I have always suffered appalling insomnia and it got worse after discovering the affair. I found that if I drank I atleast did sleep, albeit not well but it was better than nothing. I still dont drink to puke-in-my-shoes excess, and when I went out a few weeks back they hadnt got any ice or water (was a gallery opening type thing with drinks on trays) i had three glasses in 2 hours, felt as pissed as an arse so I took myself off home to bed!

But I dont want to stop drinking altogether. I would like to go back to how I was before were a bottle of wine would last a few days, with a spritzer maybe every other night because I want to and not because I need to. When I could go out with my friends and get a bit tipsey and then lay off it for a week because I can take or leave it.

I dont get hangovers, I dont drink during the day and it doesnt impact my life apart from financially and me feeling.......not ill......just not right, less energy etc I am sure you know what I mean. I do get that slightly panicky feeling if I dont think I can have wine (money, commitments, on my own with the kids, whatever) and I dont sleep at all if I dont have it. I think it is partly physical but mainly psychological in that I feel that I cant sleep if I dont have it, so I dont sleep because I have convinced myself that I wont.

Its only really been the last year that this has been a problem and I dont want it to get worse.

Do I belong on the bus? Am I allowed on the bus if I dont want to quit altogether? Am I being naive to think that a) I can have a healthy relationship with alcohol and b) ANYONE can have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Or are we all really just alcoholics in training once we take our first drink? Should I just stop altogether forever?

And before you ask, I do have a glass of wine and water with me now.

WaterIsMyNewBestFriend Wed 26-Sep-12 22:42:45

Hi - just about to go to bed but just wanted to report in on my day 1.

Small steps for me - so far I have:

Made a recurring diary appointment on my phone to remind me at 7pm to only drink water with dinner. (this actually worked well tonight as out of habit I automatically headed for the wine rack just b4 serving dinner - my phone went off with the timely reminder - so I duly conceded and drank water instead. Very pleased with myself about that.

Had a mini wobble about an hour ago - slightly raided discussion with DH about a family issue - my first thought was to pour a glass of wine but I recognised that as a bad habit to break so tidied kitchen instead and returned to living room with cup of tea and having had some space if you see what I mean.

So - in summary - I've recognised two situations where I habitually tea h for the bottle - have noted these as red flag situations - and resisted. Well pleased with myself tonight.

My aim for tomorrow is to remember why I am doing this - might do another random timed diary note to keep me motivated.

Hope you are all doing well tonight - thanks for letting me hop aboard but I am ringing the bell as this is my stop to get off (for this evening).

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 23:08:31

Hi ShouldI, welcome aboard, nice to meet you. Short answer is yes, this would be a good place for you.

Whether you stop completely is up to you, I'm reading your post as you'd like to be in control of the drinking rather than giving up completely? If that's your goal, give it a try & see how it works out.

You have stuff going on in your life that's led you to this point. You may be managing ok for now but that's unlikely to continue if you keep drinking the way you are. Your story sounds very similar to my own, I really feel for you.

So what's your plan.

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 23:09:50

Water, I'm bloody impressed, fabulous day 1!

ShouldIgetonthebus Wed 26-Sep-12 23:16:29

Hi Kot smile

My plan? Erm, not sure I have one tbh. I am reading Allen Carrs "Easyway to control alcohol" but I am not sure it is for me, as it seems to be (so far, about halfway in) about quitting drinking altogether.

I just want to go back to the way I was. I drank for years and years without an issue, I could genuinely take it or leave it, I liked it sometimes but I didnt feel that I needed it. I have only had a problem with it for the last year or so, and I can place a date on when it started. Is that too long to be able to go back?

kotinka Wed 26-Sep-12 23:25:18

I don't know, we're all different. I started here at the end of July with the aim of cutting back but I found that every time I had a drink, the cravings were really bad for a good few days after. At the moment, I'm just aiming not to drink at all as it seems easier to manage for me. Plus the real biggie for me, I noticed the booze made feelings of depression much worse.

If you think you want to try to see if you can control it, how about having 2 nights off, one night on for a bit, with maybe a goal of weekend drinking eventually? I think you'll only discover what works for you by trying it out.

The other side of it too, is that you know what triggered this pattern for you. So you may need to consider how you'll deal with the triggers in ways that don't involve having a drink. I was very much guilty of hanging on every negative thing as an excuse to open a bottle - oh I've had a disagreement with my dad, I need a drink, the kids are being hard work, I deserve a drink, if you see what I mean.

GoldenSeptember Wed 26-Sep-12 23:35:49

Yes Mouse it's mia, sorry. I am lurking but still reading and keeping up with you all, just not posting. Wanted to keep my place in the sidecar for our autumn journey though, despite catching Ma's cold.
angry grin

Happy Birthday Isinde.

Toomanybabies Thu 27-Sep-12 00:14:15

Just about to go to bed but just wanted to say that although I don't post on here, I find the support of the brave babes works wonders for me when I have a notion to have a drink.
Two years ago was the start of cutting back my intake and have not yet completely stopped but am now at stage where my tolerance for drink has gone right down. Also I find the hangovers so rubbish that I just think what was the point of that.
I'll keep checking in with you all from time to time but for now I'll say thank you to the bus and all travellers therein. You're shared insight and experiences have given me pause for thought on many an evening when I've thought about nipping out for a bottle of wine.
Also on a very positive note and I don't mind boasting here, but my skin looks really good since I started hanging on the back of the bus!

some good advice from kotinka shouldI.

the only way you'll know is to try. stock the house with wine as normal and drink the way you want to - every other night a spritzer was it? see how it goes, if you can do it and how you feel doing it.

somewhere back in the bus i wrote about how some alcoholics i've talked to felt they drank alcoholically from the very first - that the potential was always there and it was just a matter of time. others felt they drank normally with no hint of alcoholism at all for years and years and years and then something happened to up their alcohol intake over a period of time and they felt they became alcoholic in quite a short space of time.

there are no one size fits all answers.

yay for nice skin toomany - i found the skin around my eyes brightened somehow and got smoother. maybe just less dehydration and toxins.

ooh here's another 'plus' i found out. to lose weight your liver has to work quite hard, it all has to come out via the liver or with the liver's work as i understand it. if the liver is busy with one thing it can't be busy with the other so drinking alcohol can prevent you losing weight even if you're cutting your calories down overall because the liver is too busy with dealing with alcohol toxic-ness to get on with weight loss work.

so in theory giving up alcohol helps you lose weight not only by not having those calories but by freeing your liver to focus on the job at hand properly.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 27-Sep-12 08:37:21

i fell off the bus last night, ladies. a bottle of wine consumed. however, i am back on again today. last night's was a deliberate 'f* it' moment. i am still feeling rubbish with my cold and i had also received my in scope for redundancy notification. i literally wanted to get p1ssed to block it out for a moment and suspend my brain.

don't feel too bad this morning, but woke up with that familiar bleary-eyed, sick feeling, which i haven't missed at all since i have been on the bus.

so back on again today.

hope everyone's snot bugs are abating.

kotinka - sounds like the SS visit went as well as can be expected. i hope the report or whatever you are expecting is kind to you

guggs - been wondering what happened with your dad

Hi Babes! Thanks so much the the birthday wishes I was really touched and they made my day (Along with the "Now you are four" card with Tinga Tinga animals that the DTs insisted was bought for me grin )

Well, another day another london trip...I am not not not going to do my usual tonight!!

Have lovey days babes...

And ShouldI ...yes you should my lovely. Welocome to the Bus, stick around and join in my friend it sounds as though a bit of Brave Babes support might be helpful whatever your drinking goals are.

kotinka Thu 27-Sep-12 09:45:09

I love those tinga drawings, your kids have good taste indie!

Hope everyone's having a happy morning so far. For me, feet up & a coffee, it's the first morning this week I'm not running round like a blue arsed fly.

Hello to all the lurkers & Toomany, I've noticed the skin thing too, which is really good, I wasn't expecting it.

ShouldI & water - hope today goes well for you.

atosilis Thu 27-Sep-12 10:10:03

Please can I come back on the bus? I can't just have one drink, it always leads to a bottle. Last night I had a fuck it evening and drank a bottle and a half. I hate it. I fancy a holiday for a month in a monastery. :-(

guggenheim Thu 27-Sep-12 14:37:44

Afternoon babes

I've managed 4 af days this week which is pretty good for the likes of me, so I'm going to de lurk smile

nono I'm sure that your lapse was just a one off fuck it moment, so just put it behind you. Bollocks to the bottle! What does it mean getting an in scope notice? Does everyone receive one or just some members of the team? Hope you are ok whatever. As for my problem father, he hasn't called but probably will or he may just show up on the doorstep, but he will get the same message whatever he does. Thanks for asking,the babes and about 3 other people in the world know about that!

kotinka Well done for staying strong through the past week, must be very tough but you are right that life is better booze free. Still thinking about you and wishing you the best.

rural have to confess to snorting when I read your remark about the control freak.

Hello to all lovely babes new or rather, new to me, anyway.

Not drinking today. I have lots of supplies of pukka herbal teas, the green tea and lemon one is delicious. I've found that I like making teapot tea, it gives me something special to do that doesn't involve opening a bottle and replaces some of the stupid little ceremonies we (me) build up around drinking that first glass.

aliasjoey Thu 27-Sep-12 16:12:15

welcome shouldI I guess the answer is, if you want to change how alcohol features in your life, then hop aboard. I'm a bit like you, I didn't drink to excess (usually) but liked to have some around and got twitchy if there was none in the house.

BTW I never got hangovers either. Until I went 'dry' for 7 weeks. Then had a few drinks for a birthday - and wham! got a real hangover the next day!! So I believe our poor, suffering bodies get used to coping with alcohol.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 27-Sep-12 16:18:31

dreadfully sad news here today. sick to the pit of my stomach. infants school (where my 2 go) caretaker found hanging in the boiler room at the school today. i lived opposite the guy for nearly 2 years and he was so lovely. i just feel sick and shocked at the thought of it. saw him on monday morning running around with a shovel because the heavy rain had flooded the playground entrances to the classrooms. i had a quick exchange of words with him about it all keeping him busy and he laughed. sad

aliasjoey Thu 27-Sep-12 16:21:29

NoNo I know how you feel about wanting to get pissed and block things out! How did you feel this morning when you woke up and all the bad stuff was still there? (sorry, I'm not trying to rub it in...) Do you think it really helps at all.... it must be nice to have a brief brain suspension, but does it make things worse afterwards?

Am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Finally booked myself in for a lovely body-massage - and it was great, really relaxing. But I felt old and stiff - I had to keep asking her to reduce the pressure because everything hurt. And half-way through, she asked me to turn over and I really struggled! I know I'm a bit overweight but this just feels like my body is falling apart. My muscles ache and are really sensitive.

I don't know if its just age sad or possible-CFS-maybe or what. Its really hard to stay sober when I feel NO positive effects.

aliasjoey Thu 27-Sep-12 16:23:19

nono oh my god how dreadful. That is just so sad.

(also for the kids as well, I assume they knew him well?)

oh dear what a sad world we live in. Did he have family?

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 27-Sep-12 16:34:05

the kids all knew and loved him. he was a real pied piper - all the kids following him round and he larked around with them. v small school - only 4 classrooms and a hall. he was part of the furniture

he had grownup kids and grandkids

Mouseface Thu 27-Sep-12 17:28:41

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Well done to those who avoided picking up last night smile

Here's a Nemo update for those who would like to know, feel free to irnore smile

We've been to Manchester Children's Hospital today for a pre-op assessment/review on Nemo's cleft palate. It's over a year since they last saw him so we got to see all departments which was ideal, as everyone got to update their own notes on him.

His hearing is worse than it was the last time it was tested there and the guy was pretty hacked off that the Community Team aren't keeping a closer eye on him. I explained that I have tried following them up, as have other Community HCPs..... the only appointment they had near to home was in December!

So we're off for a little 40 min trip in a few week's time to have him retested just so that he remains 'visible' in the system. His low frequency hearing is virtually none existant and his reaction to certain noises has changed since we last saw them but all in all, they want him tested every 3 months.

From an eating POV, they are happy to let me keep trying to get him to eat and leave the NG tube in for now...... the surgeon can work around it which takes the pressure off us both, Nemo and I.

WRT his speech, it's now very apparent to the SALT that he it is being affected because of his cleft and she has said the sooner the cleft is closed, the better. We feel the same so that was great to hear.

The surgeon wants us to meet with the anesthatist to discuss previous experiences (the three emergency admitions in Birmingham when he nearly died and the three emergency ops on the same day following his first cleft op.....) to reassure us I think.

They have also said that they will make sure that I am comfortable, I told them that I can't sleep in a chair like I had to in Brum.... they looked shocked to say the least. They asked where I stayed and I said in the parent's lounge because Nemo's bed was given to another child when he was in PICU so I had nowhere to stay.

Anyway, that's (Birmingham) in the past now. I felt much more confident when I left than when I ever did with his old team at Birmingham, today re-affirmed my decision that the move was the right one.

Sorry to go on..... will go and have a read back, catch up in a bit if that's okay, Nemo is signing 'please play' and I need to grab a hot drink, I'm freezing! DH is out and I want him to light the fire (not my fire, I'd rather have a brew and a few biscuits currently, what with all of this snot!) to warm the house through.

kotinka Thu 27-Sep-12 17:34:30

Dreadful news nono, so sorry!

kotinka Thu 27-Sep-12 17:38:40

Apart from the hearing being missed, this is all sounding more positive, mouse. Any idea when they'll do the next op?

kotinka Thu 27-Sep-12 17:40:50

atosilis nice to meet you, I know how you feel & so does everyone in here, tell us about what's making you lean on alcohol at the mo. You've made the first step already deciding that you want to see a change. Good on ya!

kotinka Thu 27-Sep-12 17:43:21

hello Gugg, missed you round here, totally relate to the little ceremonies thing - the sound of the cork, the moisture misting up on a cold glass, taking that first smell. Still, works quite well with a nice ginger ale and I don't make a prick of meself!

Hi rural, how's control freak today? grin

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 27-Sep-12 19:11:06

mouse - sounds much more positive

I am drinking tesco non alcoholic sangria juice drink (basically just fruit juice with spice) and it is seriously bloody lovely. Yum yum

aliasjoey Thu 27-Sep-12 19:39:24

Lemon and ginger tea here smile

ShouldIgetonthebus Thu 27-Sep-12 20:33:03

Thank you for the welcome smile

I wondered if anyone else has read Allen Carrs book? He is the one that does the Easyway to stop smoking, and has done one that claims to cure alcohol problems. I did give up smoking with his book (started again, but that is also related to the affair, no excuses, just showing the way I didnt cope!) so I thought I would give it a try. Am about halfway through now, been reading it for a week.

The title is "Easy way to control alcohol" and that is really what I am after. In the last year I feel I have lost some control but had never previously had a problem. The thing is, a) it says to keep drinking at your current level until you finish the book unless you are already dry and b) although it says "control" in the title, it seems to be aimed at drying out altogether. I realise that the books are subtle, and not so subtle at times, form of hypnotism/brainwashing, but hey if they work right? But I dont want to give up, I just want to go back to the level I was at before, where I could take it or leave it.

But does it work? does it cure it? Somehow it feels wrong to still be drinking at the same level when i am trying to cut down, but the book insists I should and that I should keep an open mind.

Any experience of this, or advice/opinions?

Thanks smile

ShouldIgetonthebus Thu 27-Sep-12 20:34:58

May not reply tonight as have to go to my mums (a definite "no drinking" evening if ever there was one, drink is the devils poison and a sure road to hell grin)

guggenheim Thu 27-Sep-12 20:35:16

Hello lovely babes,

Sober and watching crap tv,wearing my pj's and mn- much better than being off my face. In the bad old times I would crack open a bottle to the Archers theme (well...I'm OLD!) and would be tipsy by 8 when mindless tv starts followed by crashing out at 9.Even worse considering that I used to need to work in the evenings!

nono terrible news- that poor man. Horrible to think how the staff had to break that news to the children as well.
Hi kotinka how are you doing today?
mouse I'm glad that Nemo's team are all working together and communicating. Hope you feel reassured by the meetings today.

joey sorry the massage didn't work out but sometimes massage is strange because it can relax you enough to put you in touch with either your feelings or your energy levels. I tend to need to sleep after any kind of massage and mumble horribly at the therapist because I'm sooo relaxed. I can't imagine that you are old at all! What's that you say , dear? Speak up!

Welcome to atosilis

aliasjoey Thu 27-Sep-12 20:43:56

shouldI I tried the book, but didn't really get it. Mind you, that was a few years ago before I really put any effort in. Being on the bus has been the only thing that's helped me. I also wish it could just be 'controlled' rather than quitting completely. I still want to be able to drink. But don't know if its possible. There are some people on the bus who do controlled drinking, it can be done.

Actually, I was controlling it; I was keeping to a strict 12-15 units a week -and miserable. Obsessed all the time, anxious about where I would buy it; which days I could drink. Slightly less anxious now (I just know its not going to happen) I want to get to a stage where I don't mind not having a drink.

PS. and somebody has given me their cold [eyes mouse suspiciously]

Mouseface Thu 27-Sep-12 21:52:07

NoNo - I am so, so, sorry for the MASSIVE fuck up of an x-post. I really hope that you realise that I hadn't seen your post sweetheart. What a shock for all of the lovely children, it's a mini communitee in a school like that, we have one in the village here.

Massive hugs to you....... and to anyone else in need tonight.

<draws line as not to seem insensitive> --------------------

I've decided to treat myself to some Russell Howard and now the new series of Cookoo.....

I need to 'Feed My Funny' as BBC3 keep telling me grin

Be Brave Babes, wherever you are....

Saf - I hope you're okay sweets, been thinking of you, you know where I am. Anytime okay? Just shout. I know that this is the shitest time of year for you or rather can be. xx

Night Babes, full day at pre-school tomorrow and a shit load of shouting at 'where are Nemo's appointments for this, that and the other, you fuckers?' type stuff.

He finally gave in to sleep after three stories, little monkey tricked me into it..... DD is now in bed after her shitting twatface of a cunting father (XP) swore to leave her be for a while, lied after only a WEEK and called her and guilted her into talking to him. angry

He's lucky he is 2 hours away and I have a regular morphine intake. And he knows that, and he uses that too. The good thing is, she told me. She came down and hugged me teary eyed and said she was upset and why. I love that about her, she can let stuff out.

She's strong and pure, real, she's got spirit and fire. She can be strong and gentle too...... I will not let him take that from her. EVER.

Anyway, tomorrow is a whole new day. I'm waffling and fed up with XP but will not let him know it, a text bollocking him could say in his head that 'he wins'.

GGGGGgggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Enough Mouse. Enough. Love to the side-car too, hope you're all water tight in there? xx

Elevensies Thu 27-Sep-12 21:52:45

Hi everyone - just checking in on the bus and hope you are all well.

The random calendar reminders on my phone popping up with reminders is really helping me today. Day 2. Just been drinking fruit juice mused with sparkling water tonight and about to have a nice cup of tea.

You all are a great encouragement - thanks heaps.

Big test today re tomorrow night is my friend has asked me to pop in tomorrow evening for a chat and glass of vino. I've replied that happy to pop over but I'm off the wine at the moment. So wish me luck tomorrow night. Will check in if I can.

So glad I found this bus - ding ding

Night all x

Elevensies Thu 27-Sep-12 21:54:21

Ooops. Forgot to switch names. I am also known as waterismynewbestfriend.

dementedma Thu 27-Sep-12 22:27:34

Still in the sidecar. Just can't seem to get out of it

Yeah me too Ma except tonight it was a come off the train after 3 glasses and meet someone I know and have another before coming home kinda thing....so DP is pissed off (I havent done anything bad Its just she can tell I have been drinking)
And I am feeling dfensive and tired and weary and so the hamster wheel get's turning again.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 27-Sep-12 22:41:19

mouse - no need to apologise. You had said in your post you hadn't read back so I knew it was an xpost. Thanks tho. smile. More details have emerged this evening and it sounds so traumatic for the teachers. The head was away today along with the junior deputy (two separate schools although merging after Xmas). I do wonder whether it was related to the merger and the fact he might have been losing his job. Who knows? But basically there are only 4 teachers in the school so they will have had to deal with everything. I feel so sad for them.

Stayed on the bus tonight anyway. Drinking would not have changed what had happened or how I feel about it

Night all xx

guggenheim Thu 27-Sep-12 22:44:01

gulp! If anyone remembers, had a toxic father of my own (much sympathy to mouse and her dd ) who was intending to call /show up after I had tried to cut ties. Well, he called tonight and I told him in a polite but bloody firm way that I do not want to continue contact with him, asked him to respect my decision and left it there.
I feel very relieved and I hope that there won't be any fall out.

Waves to water and ma
ma I'm in the sidecar most of the time, if I'm honest. One of the things I cling to, like a limpet, is ANY reduction in drinking at all and I'm massively proud when /if I manage an af night.Am I right in thinking that you drink but it's quite small amounts?

Night babes I'm knackered.

Here is my reflection before bed...
\I think our entire western capitalist economic model is a trap
We convince ourselves that we will be happier if we have "stuff"
We work hard to find jobs to enable us to buy "stuff"
Our economy works best if people are still buying "stuff"
We don't like it when we can't buy "stuff"
Our economy suffers when fewer people buy "stuff"

Our planet suffers when we make "stuff"
We use up our natural resources to make "stuff"
We pollute the planet when we make and dispose of "stuff"
Getting rid of "stuff" is a real problem to us

Lots of people feel like they are on a hamster wheel of having to earn more, to buy more, to have more to then have to earn more...

Gugg crossed post with my rant. Well done lovely! It sounda as though you hit the right note and well done to you for what must not have been an easy interaction. x

kotinka Thu 27-Sep-12 23:36:30

Gugg, if you're anything like me, making this statement will have you anxious for a bit wondering if there's going to be any fallout. Take it a day at a time, you're within your rights, you must not let yourself feel guilty.

Huggs.

Indie - hope everything's alright with you there, are you feeling a bit fed up?

Mouseface Fri 28-Sep-12 08:29:01

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Sorry to start the day with a gloomy post but I wanted to say that seven years ago today, we lost our darling triplet boys, Charlie, George and Harry. They were 16+5 weeks gestation.

I often wonder how they would have turned out, how they'd be, three cheeky little scamps? Clever? Bright eyed and cute as buttons? Who knows.

I'm not going to say anymore, I just wanted to share that with you all and to say that today will be a tough one for me, but we have Nemo and our gorgeous DD which is more than others who are desperate to hold a baby in their arms sad.

I have lit three little tea-lights for them.

Off to pre-school soon so I'll be kept nice and busy there. smile

NoNo - Thank you for realising. xx

IsinDe - Your post made me think, will come back and explain when I have chance later. Hope you're okay today xx

GoldenSeptember Fri 28-Sep-12 09:31:10

Mouse sending you a big (and very gentle) hug on this sad anniversary.

Isindie couldn't agree more. Sadly, I can't see it changing; each generation seems to get more acquisitive.

EllieorOllie Fri 28-Sep-12 09:38:57

Will be thinking of you today mouse. Your courage in the face of adversity and tragedy is truly inspiring xx

aliasjoey Fri 28-Sep-12 09:45:45

mouse said: He finally gave in to sleep after three stories, little monkey tricked me into it.....

uh, that doesn't get any better. Last night DD persuaded DH to draw pictures of her 'Monster High' dolls (have you seen those? they're weird) with cries of 'You're so clever daddy!' and 'One more daddy, you're really good at drawing!' grin

EllieorOllie Fri 28-Sep-12 09:47:58

Checking in.

2 days af free, may have one drink later as going out for late lunch today, but will NOT be picking up at home this evening.

Feel really bad this morning as got really stressed and shouty with DD making us a all late for school despite very clear instructions. I was still so cross with her when we finally got there that I didn't really comfort her properly and now I just want to go and give her a huge hug but it's too late :-(

Really need to stop getting so stressed about little things but find it so hard, I have panic attacks if I think i'm going to be late. Anxiety seems to be a common theme on here...

Sorry for the me-me post

aliasjoey Fri 28-Sep-12 09:49:33

sorry I didn't read through to the end mouse Thinking of you today xx

kotinka Fri 28-Sep-12 10:56:12

Mouse, terrible thing to go through.

aliasjoey Fri 28-Sep-12 10:58:49

wavering today. Depressed, fed-up, no energy...

I finally thought of a positive physical effect of not drinking: I haven't had acid reflux as much (for those who don't know, this is a horrid feeling you get just as you're dropping off to sleep & you suddenly get a rising tide of bile in your gorge uggghh)

Annoyed that I remembered this, as I was looking for an excuse to get some wine tonight.

kotinka Fri 28-Sep-12 10:59:30

Ellie, I think it might be something to do with giving up booze, I was also a bit more shouty than usual at first. It does seem to make the anxiety worse for a bit then it gets easier, as we get used to having no / less alcohol in our systems.

I hope the evening goes better for you, you're doing really well, keep going!

2 weeks af today, SOMEONE has given me the lurgy, grrrr ;-)

NoNoNoMYDoIt Fri 28-Sep-12 11:05:34

mouse - thinking of you today as you remember what happened and reflect on what might have been

still feeling very much in shock here today. went to school to drop the kids off this morning and the police support officers were there in force, which is good to see. the teachers look drained and very strained. i talked briefly to DS's teacher about his reading books and she could scarcely get her words out. a lot of the parents were obviously very distressed. the caretaker is so much part of the furniture at the school - literally. every time i was involved with a PTA event, he would be there supervising us moving the tables and chairs and making sure they went back in the right place because, obviously, we always did it wrong. he was the oil that kept the cogs of the school running. the school gates had been unlocked this morning but were still shut when we got there. he always opened them because many of the mums come with buggies and / or toddlers on the school run and trying to co-ordinate the levers and bolts on the gates is hard work. and it feels so horribly wrong that he took his own life on the school premises. somewhere where he was so loved by the kids and so needed by everyone.

sorry - i will stop talking about it, but the feeling of sorrow is immense.

kotinka Fri 28-Sep-12 11:09:50

aw, sad day all round :-(

Talk if you need to nono, something like this could have you grabbing the bottle & it really wouldn't help.

Joey, sorry you're having a bad day too, xxx

WaterIyNewBestFriend Fri 28-Sep-12 11:11:32

Raises a brew to everyone - here's to a positive day.

Sorry to hear some of you are dealing with horrible things - my thoughts are with you.

---

2 days af for me and looking forward to tonight/day being day 3. Can already see the benefits - am clearer headed in the mornings and more focused on things I want to achieve but haven't up to now had the energy to do.

(hopefully will have a positive effect on getting the housework done too)

Have a good day.

aliasjoey Fri 28-Sep-12 11:42:33

sorry NoNo my woes are pathetic compared to that poor guy's family. What on earth made him do it at the school? Did he think he would lose his job?

Last night I told DH that although the massage had been lovely and relaxing, it did make me feel abit old. He said perhaps I needed more exercise hmm I usually walk at least an hour a day, although its not aerobic I know. Said how the hell does being unfit mean my arms are sensitive to touch??? Burst into tears. Now DH thinks I didn't like the massage which was a birthday present from him but I did honestly.

I have this odd feeling like a... tension growing in my mind that can only be released by buying a drink. It's like its a big something building up, can't explain.

16 days. and counting every minute...

Sending you a squadron of loving, warm, friendly flying magic elves who will swarm around you and your lovely family today dropping strength and positive energy like gentle snowflakes lovely lovely Mouse

NoNoNoMYDoIt Fri 28-Sep-12 15:02:20

alias - i do wonder if he had been told he was losing his job. the infants and juniors are merging and although there are two separate buildings and they will remain separate for now, i do wonder whether they have to lose one of the caretakers... ironically, i asked, at the parents' meeting about the merger, what the staff thought of the proposals and whether it was likely to affect morale. the HT said all the staff were enthusiastic and pleased and without exception thought it was a positive thing. now of course, this may have nothing at all to do with the merger, but the timing would fit.

MIFLAW Fri 28-Sep-12 17:09:25

Everyone well?

jesuswhatnext Fri 28-Sep-12 17:53:09

welllll!!! hello big boy!!!!! grin where you been? grin

seriously, how are you? how are the family? all well i hope!! my dd got married!!!! shock i was sober mother of the bride!!! grin

Bproud Fri 28-Sep-12 18:42:46

Lighting a candle tonight for all the Babes who are feeling sad today.

MIFLAW should we kill the fatted calf? - are you going to stay around for a while? Welcome back!

Miflaw Hello lovely man!!! How fab to hear from you.

I hope you and your family are all fab and groovy. xx

kotinka Fri 28-Sep-12 18:59:41

MIFLAW ello, doing ok, having the friday cravings but I know it's only because it's friday, so they can get fucked.

How are you?

GoldenSeptember Fri 28-Sep-12 19:59:56

Blimey, the legendary MIFLAW! shock

I was just about to sign up for an alcohol-free October on the bus, but no chance if I'm going to be placed under the MIFLAW tough-love alcy-scrutiny!

<<scurries away, brandishing bottles of wine and whining about not having a drink problem at all>>

blush grin

Mouseface Fri 28-Sep-12 20:46:11

<faints at seeing MIFLAW has posted after suspecting he'd been abducted by aliens, or found his inner woman (glue's in the nick-name) or just simply busy with RL and all is fine and certainly dandy as ever>

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Thank you for all of your lovely messages. Today has been okay actually, I felt like a drink earlier (not sure which one wink) but it soon passed with a large scoop of chocolate ice-cream and a hug from Nemo smile

Just wanted to pop in and say thank you, will be back over the weekend. I'm using my last day's membership at the gym tomorrow, bit of a gentle workout and then down to the spa. A few hours just for me smile

Night all, be safe and strong xx

kotinka Fri 28-Sep-12 20:52:07

Have a lovely day Mouse, glad to hear you're getting through it.

aliasjoey Fri 28-Sep-12 21:27:28

made it

tough day and now I appear to have awful indigestion (yeah I know, moan moan, I have a severe case of hypochondria)

To top it all, Sainsburys did not have MY toffee mousse! And still I didn't buy any wine. Want a medal, please.

Who is this MIFLAW I've heard so much about? Is it the bus driver? Does he map-read?

dementedma Fri 28-Sep-12 21:49:57

Hey MIFLAW good to see you.
alias no he is not the bus driver. He is a tough talking, been there and done it,stop feeling sorry for yourselves,get a grip kind of guy.
<hides in sidecar>

kotinka Fri 28-Sep-12 21:51:04

joey, you get a medal from me, well done!

NoNoNoMYDoIt Fri 28-Sep-12 22:46:09

I have a large selection of medals which I have been given after races. You can take your pick alias. The kids love playing with them and all their friends think I am an amazing athlete who has won loads of races grin

Well, as if learning I might be made redundant and that the dear school caretaker had ended his life in school during the school day were not enough for one week, my best friend's DS (our kids are best friends and we holiday together) aged 4 has just been rushed to hospital in an ambulance and is having emergency surgery to remove a 2p coin from his throat. I think this week can f* off

Still sober tho

EllieorOllie Fri 28-Sep-12 23:44:41

Still here, not drinking, anxiety levels through the roof, ho hum.

nono I hope your friend's ds is ok, you and yours really are having a torrid time of it. Well done for staying away from the booze, think I might have buckled in that situation.

aliasjoey Fri 28-Sep-12 23:50:32

NoNo have you heard anything from friend? was the coin obstructing his breathing or just painful?

Agree this week can f* off. Think its not indigestion I have, its another effing bowel obstruction. That's me on water only for 24 hours then. And I just bought pain au chocolats for breakfast angry

Still sober tho!

ellie would like to form helpful advice re. anxiety as I know how you feel (seroxat for 12 years) but unfortunately cannot think straight due to pain. But honestly, it gets easier.

kotinka thanks for the medal! Medals all round to everyone on the bus today.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sat 29-Sep-12 00:00:57

alias - nothing from friend since she texted me to say she was in hospital.

My head is in no place for sleep. I need to wait until my eyes are burning and I can't keep them open

Sorry re your digestive ills. Sounds very unpleasant. Hope you are ok x

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 00:16:20

also can't sleep. No point in going to bed & lying there groaning and keeping DH awake!

Funny how yesterday I was complaining about my body, and today its failed me again. Ha ha.

What do you do to pass the time? I'm doing online jigsaws.

EllieorOllie Sat 29-Sep-12 00:36:30

Can't sleep either. I am in bed though cos otherwise I'd freeze.

I'm passing the time by, err, mumsnetting, and marvelling at all the pissed people posting in Chat.

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 00:50:13

are you envious of them, or do they just sound silly?

guggenheim Sat 29-Sep-12 07:11:53

Morning all,

boing! 6 af days for me, might not sound much but I'm happy with that.

Thank you to isinde and kotinka, I'm still just very relieved and a tiny, tiny bit guilty. I know that lots of peeps have much worse to deal with, I'd just come to the point where I wasn't going to put up with it any more.How are you both doing? isinde I liked the musing on stuff and economy.

nono I feel so sorry for the staff and children at your school,hope they have some good councellors (sp) for the children to help them through the initial period. Is your friend's ds ok?

hello ellie do you usually suffer from anxiety? sorry if you have already said, but increased anxiety can be part of getting sober. Booze hides lots of emotions which need thinking through when we stop drinking. Have a look at the threads- lots of babes talking through their feelings without the 'help' of alcohol.

joey hope you got to sleep eventually! hope you feel better soon.

Morning all have a happy saturday smile

EllieorOllie Sat 29-Sep-12 09:12:15

They sounded silly Joey, thankfully! I had no urge to join them. Plus I don't have a hangover this morning, so I get to get on with my weekend...

Gugg 6 days sounds good to me, well done you, particularly with what you are dealing with.

Anxiety is pretty normal for me but I do a good job of covering it up in RL. I think I made it worse with caffeine yesterday though. A bit of me knows I should seek help but in the past I've had to put up with so much crap in relation to my PND (no life insurance, problems with medical assessments for jobs) that it felt like I was being punished for my MH problems. Also had a terrible experience with seroxat. So now I just don't really talk about it and it has become part of my everyday life and I just cope.

Mouseface Sat 29-Sep-12 09:18:14

Morning all, tis me, mouse

WELL DONE to those who managed not to pick up on FrightNightFriday, I have no idea why there seems to be such a hurry to get wasted for some people on a Friday simply because it's the end of their 'week' as such.

Well, actually, I can I suppose. I could years ago, oh how I lived for Fridays. And Saturdays. And Sundays and would 9/10 times roll into work on a Monday still absolutely tw@ted from a bender of a weekend clubbing and house parties.

Anywho................

Today I will mostly going to the posh gym for the very last time (membership ends tomorrow) and using the equipment (carefully, I promise, core work only), then down to the spa for a bit of me time and then back here to collect Nemo to go out shopping.

Just a pootle around town. DH has a friend coming to stay Sunday night (he's my friend too grin) so is under strict instruction to find a delicious array of foods for tomorrow evening so that we can all have a nice meal together and catch up.

He is coming without his wife. I'm not sure what is going on but there is something which is a shame because they had always seemed so very in love until her mum sadly died 18mts ago sad

So, that's my weekend.

What are the rest of you lovely lot up to? smile xx

JWIM Sat 29-Sep-12 10:08:33

De-lurking for a mo having caught up. Hope all are well despite the many trials each of you are facing. I wish all of you a more positive week - starting with a clear head this morning, and if not this morning why not make the decision today not to drink so tomorrow is clear headed.

Mouse it was good to read that you had a good day yesterday remembering a very important day in your family's life and holding your three boys extra close in your heart and your DD, Nemo and DH with you. Funny to imagine what the boys might be like. Have a lovely day today and try to enjoy the 'me' time.

Finally, had to smile at the slightly 'giddy' turn the thread took yesterday post 5 pm. MIFLAW good to hear from you - hope all is well with you ODAAT and family.

Mouseface Sat 29-Sep-12 10:39:14

Hello JWIM - nice to see you smile and thanks xx

kotinka Sat 29-Sep-12 10:44:06

Morning all, glad last night's over, that was a tough one.

I still have the lurgy :-(

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 16:34:21

ellie wise words from guggs about booze hiding emotions. I think when you're sober you have to deal with the world more instead of ignoring it.

Warning: long post ahead

Turns out I had another bowel obstruction (is it any wonder I'm neurotic?) so was awake most of the night in pain. Fluids only for 24 hours (does alcohol count? wink) but just had some coffee and that went down okay so hopefully the worst is over.

20 years ago I was seriously ill and had major surgery (actually thats the cause of all this: surgery sometimes leads to adhesions [internal scar tissue] sometimes leads to obstruction) Had 3 ops, and numerous fluid-only times. One memorable occasion I was on water only for 3 weeks.

And yet I seemed to bounce back much easier every time. Not an immediate return to health, obviously, but my body just coped better. Eg. I once went into work the day after one of these episodes - this morning I could barely even get out of bed. Of course, my body was a lot younger 15-20 years ago (my O' Level maths has not deserted me) but still....

I find this so depressing. Is it my age? or the CFS? or because I'm unfit? sad Maybe I should stop looking for reasons, and just accept my body takes longer to recover.

And, although I have never drunk when actually ill, I'm sure there is a part of my brain thinking - I don't know what's caused this obstruction - usually nuts, seeds, high-fibre foods, fruit etc - but the list is unpredictable - and I KNOW that fluids cannot trigger it. Twisted logic.

Sorry its so long and me, me, me. It does help to write it all down.

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 16:37:38

Also pissed off because while I was in bed DH and DD failed to get her lunch. She's 10, I don't know if that's old enough to make her own, but she could at least have reminded him. He expects her to remember.

Quote: I'm disappointed that while I was ill in bed, you both abdicated responsibility. I don't want you to blame each other. I want you to sort it out. grin

ruralreynard Sat 29-Sep-12 16:49:57

Hi babes,
So much has happened on here since I last posted.
mouse glad to here the news on Nemo from his team in Manchester is mainly positive. It sounds as if you have a lovely weekend ahead. Enjoy smile
nono sorry you seem to have an awful lot to cope with at the moment. So sad about the school caretaker and do hope your friends DS is OK.
Koti great stuff you have well beaten my record and bl**dy well done on not caving in last night.
gugg well done on 6 days and glad I gave you a laugh re the control freak grin

joey hope you are feeling better today.
water well done you sound really positive.
Did I see a post from the much quoted miflaw I was beginning to think he was a mythical Greek God.
miflaw I do hope all is well with you and you are back to inspire us with your wisdom and knowledge. grin
I fell off the bus last night. Control freak was truly on the rampage as the pork chop I served up on his dinner plate was tough! This world catastrophe was obviously the fault of the slovenly, useless, fat and lazy cook (ME) grin

He told me that as I cooked it I had to eat it. As I eaten mine and am trying to diet (and yeah was a bit tough but not that bad) I refused. The upshot of this being control freak seeing red and me taking to my bed with a bottle of wine. Yes I DRANK THE LOT sad
It was a f**k it moment so I am back on the bus today Day 1 again oh hum!!

ruralreynard Sat 29-Sep-12 17:03:37

joey sorry Xposted, hope you recover quickly and well done on not giving in to the wine witch smile

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 18:38:41

rural oh dear he does sound like a complete twat. I'm not surprised you gave in and had some wine. I hope you are able to find an alternative way of switching off, does he also use your drinking against you? and can he not cook his tea himself?

PS. well done for sticking to the diet despite everything!

he sounds like more than a twat - he is an abuser. you need an exit plan rural sad

sorry for everyone's bad news days.

i am in the sidecar. don't know what has happened really. i've never relied on willpower, that never got me anywhere, i was fortunate that the desire to drink really did leave me bar the odd fleeting thought that i was easily able to dispel. lately i haven't been able to dispel it and i've wanted to drink. today i had a cider with lunch out with a friend and i've bought a few bottles for the evening.

i was just going to stay away but i feel the need to be honest and have it 'out there' that i'm drinking. it is traditionally a shitty time of year for me and this year is not feeling like an exception but that's no excuse. i don't know if it is self destruct or that i've ceased to believe it's necessary for me to not drink or....???

just going to try and stay mindful for now.

i suspect part of the problem, though it's a blessing really, is that i've not had a hideous alcoholic rock bottom. i used to say i'd had lots of different rock bottoms and just the luck to always get up again and carry on without serious consequences for anyone else or i moved or fortunately the rock bottom happened on another continent so i could fly away from it and pretend it never happened (that may be my superhero power wink ). lately everytime someone talks about a relapse in the meetings it has triggered me to want to go out and drink. it makes little sense. i really believed i'd accepted i was alcoholic but clearly i haven't confused

sorry epic me me me post.

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 19:51:24

saf sorry to hear you're feeling so shitty. You say this time of year always makes you feel worse - is it SAD? or is it a bad memory that always comes around and around...

ruralreynard Sat 29-Sep-12 19:56:44

joey yeah he uses my drinking against me even if Im not drinking iyswim.
He only drinks at all on rare occasions out never at home and then only 1 glass of wine or one pint of beer. He used to drink more and drink at home and I have seen him drunk but he has never had a drink problem. He can take it or leave it and has chosen to leave it Im happy with that its his life.
However now he only drinks outside the home (basically maximum of twice a year, his birthday and Christmas) I of course am not supposed to drink whatsoever.
I used to think if I could stop drinking, be a better housekeeper,better cook, be slimmer, have all his clothes washed ironed laid out ready whenever he needed them, keep the garden perfect, the car always washed and clean inside, earn more money, spend less money, etc etc. In short be his perfect woman then everything would be wonderful and we would live happily ever after.
Now realise that as much as he might have a good point about drinking, he will always find something wrong with me and not drinking has not improved our relationship.
Sorry this is a me me me post, having a particularly bad day confused
COOK IS OWN TEA, not if he can help it. He can't cook as such but he can put oven chips etc in the oven and grill himself a steak. He however sees cooking as womans work so does not do it unless forced. He has cooked his own tea tonight TEE HEE grin.
Used this unwelcome turn of events to seek me out and suggest I drink a couple of bottles of wine and drive off a cliff.
saf know you are right re abuser am making plans.
can't help you as 2 weeks AF is my record but really hope you can get back on track.

Mouseface Sat 29-Sep-12 19:59:21

Evening, tis me Mouse

Quick post as Nemo has just lost his last feed all over the sofa sad

Saf - honest is the only way, I'm really proud of you (I hope that doesn't sound twatish blush) for posting, we all know that you didn't have to. xx

Night all. xx

dementedma Sat 29-Sep-12 20:14:00

rural my heart goes out to you.keep making your plans. Have a bag of clothes packed and stashed somewhere,start photocopying documents which might be important and keep the copies with your bag.buy a cheap pay as you go phone,put some money on it,keep it with your stuff. Try and squirrel away whatever money you can, little bits add up.when you get the shopping,get cash back and lose the receipt. It won't show as cash back on your bank statement.get a spare door key cut.
Hug all of this knowledge to yourself when he is at his worst - it gives you strength.

ruralreynard Sat 29-Sep-12 20:29:29

ma Thanks for the kind words and advice. Didn't know about the cashback thing thanks smile
saf still can't help but am thinking about you, you are a strong, insightful and honest poster. You can get through this. ODAAT xx
I have got my feelings out on here tonight, it feels a safe place.
Thanks for the support.
Will now give others a chance before I kill the thread.
bye for now .

kotinka Sat 29-Sep-12 20:45:27

rural - pack the phone charger too, it'll go flat. Do you have anywhere you can store your emergency bag so he won't find it? A friend's house or a left luggage locker?

The situation sounds like it's getting worse, I'm worried for you. I think you need to make changes, sooner rather than later.

Be careful.

Nat38 Sat 29-Sep-12 21:31:27

Hi all, not been on the bus in a few days, have now hit the 2 week mark of not having a drink!! Had a very bad wobble though tonight, nearly went to the corner shop to buy 2 cans, I don`t know how I went down there & didn`t buy them, just came back with some squirty cream, a lottery ticket & a phone top up(againangry) for youngest DD!shock
Rural glad to hear you are making plans!
I feel so much better when I check in with all of you, it reminds me that I am not alone, even though I don`t always post I feel for all of you & for myself, having to fight the fight with alcohol & not always winningsadsad
So, thank you for being there for me & being there for me in the future!!
thanksthanksthanksthanksgrin

dementedma Sat 29-Sep-12 21:33:53

How old are dcs rural? Pack stuff for them too if taking them with you is an option. Can you Keep a bag at work? Do you have a bolt hole lined up? Buy a family railcard - you might need to travel far and fast cheaply.find out now where the nearest women's refuge is in case you need to get there quickly.

ruralreynard Sat 29-Sep-12 21:36:02

I think I am worrying some babes on this thread.So one more post before bed

koti thanks for the advice, I do have somewhere to hide things away from here. Your kindness and caring is really appreciated.
Thank you for caring babes but don.t worry.
The things I have posted today about my relationship or lack of relationship . are not an escalation they are normality. I just felt safe to let it out and thats down to this thread and the lovely caring babes on the bus. I will be careful but I will not risk losing 10 yr old DS unless I really have no other choice.
By the way he is not here today as the same person who would keep my emergency bag has taken him to play with her children and he is having a sleepover. To DS thats all it is play and sleepover. This person knows not everything but enough and is always willing to invite DS over to play or call in to see me unannounced if I ask.
So don't worry babes I do have at least one person near me I can go to if really necessary.
goodnight brave babesxx

GoldenSeptember Sat 29-Sep-12 22:01:23

Right I am going to type this before I change my mind, and also before I read back too, so apologies if I'm typing into some big crisis.

I am not going to drink white wine during the month of October. There, I've promised, so I have to do it.

I realise that this will sound absurd and ridiculous to most of you, but for me it's the white that I'm waiting for, thinking about, drinking too much of, making excuses for, looking back and regretting.

I've been back and forth in my head for the last week or two, which I could expound at length about but I just can't be fucking arsed and you've all got enough to deal with without listening to my inner machinations.

I just wanted to state my intention here in this lovely bus because I know I've just been lurking lately, but it still feels like a safe place to be honest about what I feel.

kotinka Sat 29-Sep-12 22:05:22

that's good to hear rural, sorry if I'm flapping, I don't know how you cope. Keep talking to us. Remember, you're ace!

Night night.

GoldenSeptember Sat 29-Sep-12 22:09:00

Have read back now. Sorry Rural to hear that things are so shit for you at the mo.

kotinka Sat 29-Sep-12 22:11:43

Golden - good for you, you can do it!

Nat, that's impressive! I'm at 2 weeks too, been hard, especially this weekend, but I'm saving loads of money. Which is good. Still going a bit mental on the bickies though blush, need to work on that. Are you quitting or cutting back?

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 22:42:52

rural best wishes to you, not been in your situation so I don't have any advice but I hope you have someone to turn to

golden go for it gal!

nat and others also staying away from the alcohol tonight, well done smile

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sat 29-Sep-12 22:43:24

rural - oh my love. I have felt ever since I met you on here that you had a deep and awful story. You alluded to a couple of things. This is why I think about you often when I think about the bus. Well done for making your stand in your way and for staying sane

aliasjoey Sat 29-Sep-12 23:32:49

ellie re. anxiety - someone on here, was it mouse? was talking about how we 'self-medicate' with alcohol. But alcohol has more, and longer-term side-effects than prescription drugs! If you didn't get on with seroxat, maybe you could look into alternatives?

Also counselling - I don't know if you already mentioned this - your GP should be able to refer you (CBT usually, and it works) Downsides are it may take time for a referral, and its sometimes hard to click with a stranger and feel safe in telling them about yourself. It took me 8 different therapists (some NHS and some private) before I finally found somebody who was right for me. Don't be afraid to keep asking for the help you deserve.

Finally, if you don't want to go down that route, I recommend Burns Feeling Good for practical and sensible ways of overcoming anxiety and depression.

kotinka Sat 29-Sep-12 23:48:47

thanks for the book suggestion Joey, just bought a seccondhand copy.

feeling good

Nat38 Sun 30-Sep-12 07:49:00

kotinka I am quitting! Kids are more important to me than cider!blushgrin The sugar cravings have finally subsided thank goodnessgringrin It is tough isn`t it?blush I think it`s tougher at the weekends.
aliasjoey thanks for the book suggestion, have ordered myself one that I will share with a friend & also have ordered the Panic Attacks book by the same author for my friend aswell!!smile

I am so proud this morning that I survived/got through that massive wobble last nightsmile

ruralreynard how are you feeling this morning? There has been some great advice & support on here for you, hope you are starting to feel more hopeful about things.

guggenheim Sun 30-Sep-12 08:44:20

rural you have a brilliant sense of humour- keep using it to reduce the control freak down to size. Take care babe and keep that bag packed. Do you have any women's services near to you? Maybe contact online.

ruralreynard Sun 30-Sep-12 17:04:55

Just a quick check in to say all is well with me and am very grateful for the kindness and advice from the brave babes yesterday.smile

Control freak trying to do his own online VAT return at the mo.
As he has only just mastered turning it on, should be a fun evening grin
His work clothes for tomorrow are still on the floor of the laundry room where he threw them yesterday after realising I wasn,t going to pick them up off the bedroom floor as I usually do.
He doesn't do washing! so doesn't know how to use the washine machine, hope he's a very quick learner or dirty clothes for work tomorrow TEE HEE.
Will read back later as have to pick up DS from his sleepover.
Hope everyone is having a good day and not caving in to the wine witch if not drinking.
Day 2 for me but might be tempted later one minute at a time at present.

aliasjoey Sun 30-Sep-12 18:34:49

hello babes, have we all made it onto the Bustonight? <does quick head-count>

It sounds like it was a tough, wobbly weekend for several people! I'm still feeling washed-out after a dreadful bowelly episode... yes there is a voice in my head saying you're so brave, coping with such pain! you deserve a treat - maybe a little glass of wine, hmm...?

No. There's chocolate ice-cream in the freezer, if my gut feels up to it. Day 18 I think.

ruralreynard Sun 30-Sep-12 19:40:28

joey you are truly ace and amazing, you have given me and others support this weekend you have been suffering with health problems and you are are day 18 AF.smilebl***y well done, keep going envy.

ruralreynard Sun 30-Sep-12 19:53:41

saf hope you have managed to get out of the ring and walk away. If not I am sure you will soon. You are strong you will get back on track . Thinking of you. smile
nono thanks for the kind words, forgot to say love the kittens and so envy

ruralreynard Sun 30-Sep-12 19:58:42

What happened to miflaw was it really the man himself who posted or an imposter confused

Mouseface Sun 30-Sep-12 20:03:31

Evening, tis me, Mouse

I have had dinner cooked for me by DH and our lovely friend. It was devine but I just have no appetite currently. I think it's the weaning off the meds and the fact that Nemo has a cold.

He's poorly, like, really poorly. I'm having him in bed with me tonight and hoping I can soothe and settle him as much as posible.

Rural - how was today? <worried>

Saf - how are you lovely? Is the sidecar in need of an expansion? We've got a shed load of cash saved up from the booze we've not bought...... maybe we can get some nice fleecy blankets for snuggling, some lush hot chocolate in giant mugs, posh biscuits? We need comfort.

Autumn is here... I love it once the grey bit gets lost. The bright sun and deep red, orange and copper colours of the trees, leaves, plants, the golden surroundings we have are wonderful.

The grey I hate.

Anyway, hope you all had good days, I'm going to try and get Nemo settled and find out why my fecking spell check no longer works! Grrrrr, technology!

Joey - sure, the drink will plump up the meds but the booze will also give you side-effects that you really don't need. Big hugs xx

I need to go...... I'm so tired and you are all so ace and I want to stay to chat. Be true to yourself. No matter where you are on the Bus, BE HONEST. xx

ruralreynard Sun 30-Sep-12 20:23:37

mouse look after yourself, love and hugs to nemoxx Im ok honestly my time will come. Take carexx

Hi Babes,
Just checking in on day 3 of no booze. Both DTs have chicken pox sad DT1 took it in her stride and seemed relatively unbothered...DT2 has just screamed the entire street down fo rthe last 2 hours..hmm

The place looks like armegeddon there is fuck-all for dinner and I want an entire bottle of chilled white wine and not the 4th bottle of sodding fizzy feckin' water that I will actually drink....

Rural big love to you tonight babe..he sounds a dream to live with...hmm

guggenheim Sun 30-Sep-12 20:49:46

evening babes

I'm in the sidecar tonight but i've only had 2 glasses and have stopped there.
Well done to the babes who have resisted.

Hope that all those poorly children feel better soon- poor things. Hope we all get a good night's sleep tonight. night babes.

Mouseface Sun 30-Sep-12 21:07:12

Rural - it will and when it does, you'll need support. You'll find it here and in lots of other places.

Stay safe xx

Mouseface Sun 30-Sep-12 21:14:05

Gugg - I've had two glasses (125ml) of white wine today (Sunday used to be a an ALL day drinking affair) but it was with dinner and then desert.

I didn't really enjoy them because by the time I got to drink them, they were warm....................

I don't miss wine.

Off to take Nemo up to Bedfordshire for a goods nights sleep I hope.

Night all, I am really going now. xx

aliasjoey Sun 30-Sep-12 21:16:51

aww thanks rural tbh surfing mumsnet was distracting me from my woes on Friday night! I hope things are going better with you.

isinde chickenpox x 2?! blimey, the shops will run out of calamine lotion. If there is any consolation, apparently adults who are exposed to chickenpox develop immunity to shingles.

GoldenSeptember Sun 30-Sep-12 22:12:30

Again, apologies for not having read back, but just want to record that my 'last night' of drinking white - so I let myself start drinking at 5 ish instead of 6 - really wasn't all that. Ended up feeling a bit grumpy, a bit cheated, a bit guilty, a lot pointless.

aliasjoey Sun 30-Sep-12 22:32:36

golden I think thats my main reason for quitting. The physical benefits have been minimal.

But emotionally - every night I would go through that feeling of resentment, feeling cheated (because I would only allow myself a couple of glasses of wine, and it wasn't enough) My mind is a bit calmer now.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sun 30-Sep-12 23:10:56

Been reading and listening to your stories.

I am at a strange place right now with my drinking. I go for days at an end AF and then have a blow out. Then another couple of weeks of nothing and another blow out. At the moment the blow outs don't cause cravings. Just seems like every couple of weeks or so I want to drink a bottle of wine. I guess this is dangerous? Can anyone who knows better than me advise?

Oh and having got rid of my lurgy for about 3 days I now have another effing cold. Temp of 38 (normally 36) and shivering. Wtaf?! Since I have been on this bus I have has virus after virus. Is that normal when you stop drinking every day?

GilbGeekette Mon 01-Oct-12 08:34:40

Morning babes. Just popping on to say it's my 11 year anniversary today! Despite all the stresses, I haven't relapsed; thanks to you all for your encouragement and your analogies. Having some cheerleading makes all the difference smile

guggenheim Mon 01-Oct-12 09:58:34

Morning babes

Motivation monday today and since I managed a reasonable (for me that is) af week last week I'm going to write down how I've benefitted. I feel much clearer and I'm getting more jobs done, they are only simple things but I'm not chasing my tail constantly. I've lost a little bit of weight and my fingers feel slimmer, probably less water retention, ( I don't have fingers like sausages ,promise). I'm sleeping well, have more time for Ds and when something went wrong work wise this am instead of blowing my top I got on with it and found something constructive to do.

nono and golden september I find that plateau stage hard too, it's as though I can get to a certain stage but lack the courage / drive to go further. Any ideas about how to get through the 'I've had enough stage'? Perhaps we could all support each other along.

hello mouse how are you today? yes, I look back on all day drinking sessions, of which there were many and wonder what I was thinking? It was bloody horrible feeling that ill and dealing with the hangovers.

well done gilb (sorry if that's wrong, my eyesights rubbish and i can't always tell i from l in print) 11 years! Come on, what's your story and how did you do it? How did you get past the 'oh fuck it' moments? Or did you just stop?

Stay safe lovely babes , 'specially those poorly ones!

aliasjoey Mon 01-Oct-12 10:45:45

guggs what you said about 'when something goes wrong... I got on with it and found something constructive to do' really strikes home with me.

Before when I had problems, I would usually ignore them (or hide under the duvet!) knowing that I could have a drink later which would 'make everything go away' hmm

Now I'm finding that I actually have to Sort It Out. Last night I was still in pain, and washed-out.

Old joey: I can't face work, I'll have to call in sick. But I'm not that bad, really. I feel so guilty, and worried. I can't wait to have a drink later.

New, improved Joey: the main problem is the walk to work. So maybe you have to look into renting a parking space closer to work. Yeah, I know, not fair having to pay for parking just cause you're not well. Boo-hoo. Get over it.

And the funny thing is I actually feel better just having taken a bit more responsibility. I don't think I'll 'need' any wine tonight

Greyhound Mon 01-Oct-12 10:49:11

Just checking in. Thanks for all who replied to my post on previous thread. Feeling much less down, even though I have the Bus Bug!

Still in sidecar, but have managed to cut down.

Had my yearly check up and blood tests. However, I don't think they check liver function - does anyone know if they do?

kotinka Mon 01-Oct-12 11:04:39

Yes, greyhound, they usually do. You could phone & ask?

Hello all, still got bus lurgy too :-(

Congratulations Glib!

Gugg - no ideas on the "I've had enough" stage, I hit mine last night & after 2 weeks sober I had half a bottle of wine (shared with H). It was nice to drink in a controlled way for once and not go berzerk.

indie best tip I have for chickenpox is Piriton liquid and Eurax cream. If you can cut out the itching it's much more bearable.

Daisy0407 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:09:19

Hi greyhound When I had blood tests at the doctor I had to tick the let box myself! Not sure if that's the norm though. Mine were slightly elevated. I haven't been back to have the little chat they wanted to have. I know what she'll say anyway! And I'm dealing with it smile

Daisy0407 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:10:11

Let!

Daisy0407 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:11:54

Lft!

my phone doesn't like that word surely. Either do I.

kotinka Mon 01-Oct-12 11:15:03

Daisy, I always have a cringey feeling whenever they do the liver test too. But guess what? I got my blood tests today & liver came back normal!!!! (Thyroid is screwed, so that might explain my down in dumps-ness)

Greetings from Pox-central!

Well woke up feeling in a much much better place and rested properly, day 4 of no drink and it all starts to feel sooo much more handle-able smile

Gilb CONGRAT-YOU-ELATION to you!!! Dee-ell woman! ELEVEN YEARS!!!!

<<bows low in admiration and praise>>

I hope you feel bloody proud of your self and thanks for coming on here and letting us know.

Have a great day Babes, off to prepare for three days away and try not to worry about hotels and trains and wine....nononono.. not going there...lalala...

aliasjoey Mon 01-Oct-12 14:06:02

Eleven years. That's just... wow. Amazing.

I'm not going to worry about my health and job and not being able to get a parking space at work even though I'm prepared to bribe someone.

Joins isinde in lalaland...

Mouseface Mon 01-Oct-12 14:19:26

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

IsinDe - I know you're going to roll your eyes at me (and I'll dutifully roll them back to yougrin) but the DTs getting the pox together is better than one at a time. You'll most likely find that will all ailments that they get, they'll do sharing!!

Piriton oral suspension is good for the itching and they can have that now..... "Chlorphenamine maleate. Fast relief from the symptoms of: Hayfever and other allergies e.g. pet, house dust mite & mould spore allergies. Nettle rash, hives, heat rash, prickly heat & dermatitis. Reactions to food, food additives, medicines & insect bites. Also relieves the itchy rash of chickenpox. - Suitable for children 1 year & over - Also relieves the itchy rash of chickenpox - Fast relief from the symptoms of: skin allergies; food allergies; pet allergies; hayfever; house dust mite allergies; mould spore allergies; insect bites" - worth a go? Big hugs xx

Gilb - 11 years is a amazing, well done! smile

Saf - are you feeling any better today, thinking of you.

Thurso - you okay?

venus - you too? Not seen some of the Babes about for a while.......

Grey - thank you for posting that you're feeling a bit better, re the blood test I'd ring and ask as Koti says but if they are doing a full bloods screen, then I'd say that yes, they will check your LF too.

Must go and make some lunch...... soup today. Had an awful night with poor little Nemo, he was sick in the night and I had to strip him off with him half asleep. He hates that. So, poor old DH has been relegated to Nemo's room again.

<waits for Ma to offer DH a bed for the year night or week grin>

Mouse thanks lovely. We have been using Virasoothe, bicarb of soda baths (old fashioned but does seem to ease the itching) and calpol and infant ibuprofen. I agree that it si much much better to have them off together. DP has had to take time off work as I have another 3 days around the country to do and we can't afford to turn any paid work down at the mo.

grin at Ma and your DH...as I say to the DTs 5000 times a day "Now who does this Bear...(Husband?)..belong to? Is it DT1's...(*Ma's*)..? No it isn't is it? It is DT2's...(*Mouse's*) isn't it?"

Saf where are you lovely mate? Come back and talk to us. Sober or drunk, sane or stark raving, clothed or unclothed, hinged or not...you name it it doesn't matter here...But You DO! (Matter here that is)

sending love. xx

Fairenuff Mon 01-Oct-12 18:52:09

Evening all smile

Haven't posted for ages and not caught up with the thread yet so I'm just jumping in.

I've heard a couple of people today talking about not drinking this month and having a 'sober October'. Is this a national incentive? Anyone else heard about it?

thanks isinde. drank a hideous quantity of vodka yesterday and have been paying for it today.

feeling far from clever.

not very chatty but thought i better show my face.

hope everyone is ok x

dementedma Mon 01-Oct-12 19:30:57

Makes up bed and dims the lamp and waits hopefully for Mr Mouse to drop by...
I am sick of being in this fecking sidecar and have the wine witch in a stranglehold in an attempt to shut her up. swigs tea desperately thinking of you all to give me strength. Could someone shake the pom poms please to keep me going.
Down to last month of fees for dd2 so hope something comes through soon. She phoned tonight to say she has been given the lead in the first production! Not drinking tonight will have saved about a fiver....not enough to keep her there...

aliasjoey Mon 01-Oct-12 19:35:49

<Digs out DDs pom-poms>

Give me an M! Give me an A!

Umm not sure what comes next, do I have to turn cartwheels and stuff?

kotinka Mon 01-Oct-12 22:21:53

No you'll put your back out Joey!

Evening all, just off to bed early as I feel exceedingly poodocious. No booze tonight.

Have a lovely evening everyone

xxx

dementedma Mon 01-Oct-12 22:33:33

I did it!
Night all

GoldenSeptember Mon 01-Oct-12 23:15:41

Well done Ma! <<shakes pompom>>

Faire I'm having a mainly sober October - I'm not going to drink any white wine for this month and hopefully November too. I'll still be drinking red in moderation though. I hadn't heard anything about any initiative, just felt that my drinking was creeping up again and want to help my liver, lose some weight and save some money.

GoldenSeptember Mon 01-Oct-12 23:21:08

A quick google brought up this Faire
www.ocsober.com.au/

well done ma smile

i did it too. think i'm beginning to finally understand why the ODAAT bit is important and face the fact that the desire to drink will never go away permanently but just have to be overcome each time.

don't know if i can do it. it's easy-ish when i quite like myself but when i go the other way it's very hard because if you don't like yourself or don't think you deserve anything then what does it matter anyway? does that make sense?

not drinking is an act of self care and self preservation and i'm not traditionally very good at that kind of thing. i'm gonna have to learn somehow i guess.

on a lighter note my chickens are arriving on thursday and allegedly at 7-8pmish. it will be pitch black and i'll be handling chickens for the first time in my life trying to transfer them into the henhouse at the bottom of the garden. aargh!

Fairenuff Tue 02-Oct-12 08:20:32

Thanks for that Mia, I might give it a go. I don't have any big social events planned until half term which is four weeks away and I really need to kick start my diet. I've lost two stone and seem to be comfortable staying around that mark but I could really do with shifting another one.

So, going to be extra healthy in October, not drink, eat well, get more exercise and get out there every chance I get to feel the sunshine on my face. Even it it's cold, it's still refreshing and invigorating grin

Anyone want to join me in losing half a stone-ish?

Ma well done, it's hard to get off that treadmill I know. Congrats on your dd getting the lead, her talent is showing already!

Saf some interesting thoughts there. Considering where you were last year, I think you're doing ok so far this autumn. Have you got one of those indoor sunshine lights? Can you get them on the NHS? Or at least get something towards the cost of buying one, it might help.

Love to all x

i would love to join you faire - bit more than half a stone to lose though. i have one of those sad lamps which i will remember to use daily. i guess it is partly that but also loads of stuff happened around november years ago. i don't consciously think about it or remember it so it's hard to believe it's to do with that.

it's endless bloody cycles i go through - come first signs of spring and i'll be full of life and enthusiasm. no matter how great the year has been or how happy i was feeling just a few weeks ago without fail everything goes tits up with the onset on autumn. this year it hit so fast and hard here - it was like overnight. ridiculousness! when i was younger i dealt with it by always going away in winter but that's not an option now really smile

i'll be fine, sorry for all my moaning and self indulgence.

guggenheim Tue 02-Oct-12 09:11:04

morning lovely babes,

Only just made it last night, think i was physically hanging off the edge of the sofa for a bit.

ma good for you! Yay, you did it smile Day one sucks. You sound fed up of drinking and ready for a few af nights. Sorry, what was that you said about mouse's dh?

isinde I love the role play. Playing babes and husbands sounds much more fun than having to play with trains. maybe I could (mentally) re name some of Ds's trains. 'Oh look- there's Guggs, headed for the wonky bridge of booze yet again...'

Saf look after yourself. Get rid of all the booze in the house, probably doesn't mix well with chickens anyway. I can see in your posts how Autumn effects you, you sound different somehow. Come on, you gave up alcohol for ages and gave your body a chance to heal. Please don't give in now, it's hard get back on board after a lapse. Anyhow, what are you going to call your chickens?

I'm going to have a look at the sober October site now. Have a good day babes

kotinka Tue 02-Oct-12 09:13:01

Well done on the weight loss Faire - still struggl;ing myself. I seem to have got past the "must have sugar" phase of cutting back / giving up, so I might be able to start losing again.

Ma, good for you, all those fivers add up. I worked out I was spending £60 a week on wine. £240 a month!

Joey - how's the pain today?

Mouse - haven't caught up with you the last couple of days, all ok?

kotinka Tue 02-Oct-12 09:15:50

Morning Gugg - good on you for kicking temptation in the hairy ass.

guggenheim Tue 02-Oct-12 12:01:46

Hi kotinka

How are you doing?

Yeah I feel quite good at the moment but I sort of know that the wine witch will get me sooner rather than later.I've tried working out how much i used to (sometimes still do) spend on wine- it's a horrible amount! I deffo can't afford to drink.

aliasjoey Tue 02-Oct-12 13:00:24

koti thanks, a lot better. My gut is still painful, but I assume that is because the spasms on Friday/Saturday were so powerful my insides are 'bruised'. Paranoid about eating anything now...

Just found out there is a 4-year waiting list to get a car parking permit at my work shock I thought about bribing the parking officer, but my sole assets consist of a moody 10-going-on-13 child, and a small yapping dog.

How are you?

kotinka Tue 02-Oct-12 13:55:00

Not bad! finding the cravings aren't as bad now, even after having had half a bottle on Sunday night. It seems to be getting more manageable.

Social services haven't been back in touch so I guess they're happy. And I'll be getting my thyroid stuff increased on friday I think, so it's all looking good.

Joey - 4 years! Can you pull the disabled card? Or sexual favours? (you, not the dog) ;-)

Witco Tue 02-Oct-12 14:02:11

Ladies, I so need this thread! Wine o'clock, wine witch, this all sounds horribly familiar. I stayed off the drink for all of January and felt so much better but little by little I have slipped back into my old habits and now I am downing a bottle of red a night. My blood pressure is up as are my anxiety levels. And the guilt! So, sparkling water only tonight - wish me luck sad

aliasjoey Tue 02-Oct-12 14:19:13

witco welcome! there were will be some clever babes along shortly with advice and support and stuff...

kotinka I don't think I'd qualify for disabilty, if I still feel rough next time I see the GP maybe I'll mention it, but I'd feel guilty about it if there are other genuine disabled people.

Sexual favours? Now there's a thought. Although the dog might attract more interest... 'Pimp my Poodle' ?

kotinka Tue 02-Oct-12 14:23:52

Welcome aboard Witco, it is very hard at first but gets easier.

Pimp my Poodle grin this so needs a TV show.

obrigada Tue 02-Oct-12 16:22:17

Afternoon, back at work yesterday after a weeks holidays, haven't had time to catch up with the thread as judging by the amount of paperwork etc on my desk, everything was just left for me to do when I got back angry.
Still haven't had a drink since 4th/5th Augustsmile

ruralreynard Tue 02-Oct-12 19:17:54

Evening babes and welcome witco you have come to the right place, this bus is a great place for support, advice and just sounding off if you feel like it.
obrigada well done on staying AF envy
koti great news re SS and not relapsing after your half bottle Sunday. Always seems to set off cravings with me if I relapse. Keep going you are doing brilliantly and now the sugar cravings are going sure to lose weight if you are not drinking smile
gugg keep it up, you are doing so well
saf so glad you are getting a handle on things, what you said regarding the onset of Autumn really resonated with me but for odd reasons. My NSDH is much more difficult to live with between autumn and spring, he almost certainly suffers from SAD and TBH as much as he is not a dream to live with in summer our worst times are the autumn/winter months. Hence possibly my needing to sound off about his recent behaviour, its the start of his worst time.
Well enough about that.
Faire with you on the weight loss and so jealous of the two stone loss, but well done smile I need to lose more than half a stone but that much would boost my morale because I seem to just put on weight at the mo.
mouse hope all is well with you
isinde hote DTs past the worst, been there , not with twins but 14month gap on my first two children long ago and they seemed to have all manner of childhood ailments together, chickenpox being one.
bye for now babesxx

ruralreynard Tue 02-Oct-12 19:22:42

forgot bl***y well done ma go girl.
you too joey and love the "pimp my poodle" idea grin

Mouseface Tue 02-Oct-12 20:35:07

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Saf - you know where I am. xx

IsinDe - Ma has coveted (sp?) my DH for years wink

Nemo is full of a cold so is in with me, I better. Fucked up with my pain meds, so off to the GP AGAIN tomorrow to see how much longer they can prop me up with until I can even think about surgery.

The moon is an odd one tonight, will explain why I'm feeling a bit 'off'..... hard to explain. blush

Anyway, to those who are going well, get in! You are doing great and long may it continue.

I have to go and look after Nemo, temp, cough, terrible breathing, he just can't get through a day without a vomit currently. Reflux x 100,000 when he's ill.

So, hello smile Babes to those I have missed, will try to be back tomorrow.

Night Babes, stay safe. xxxxx

dementedma Tue 02-Oct-12 21:12:50

Obrigada - well done you

NoNoNoMYDoIt Tue 02-Oct-12 21:20:13

Well done babes who are on the bus

I am about to have a self absorbed whinge. please feel free to ignore.I am seriously hacked off. Now nearly 4 weeks of illness. Went to gp finally today as I have a very sore throat which is covered in white spots and feel seasick and dizzy with hissing in my ear. After 4 weeks of lurgy I finally thought the time had come for some antibiotics. Although the gp says my throat is bacterial she would rather I fought it myself. With what exactly?!?! She had diagnosed labyrinthitis and given me drugs but I have a 4hr drive to Warrington in the morning for work, followed by a 4hr return trip later after a 3hr audit. And the following day I have a 6hr round trip to Hemel. The drugs cause drowsiness so I daren't take them. Will have to drive dizzy instead

I am so seriously fed up with being ill. I can't ever remember being this poorly. Is it to do with giving up alcohol? Because right now I will drink again if it will get rid of this current lack of immunity

I am so sorry to whinge when some of you face much worse illness and chronic illnesses. But I can't take much more of this sad

Witco Tue 02-Oct-12 21:28:23

Feeling positive and might just have an early night to get through my 1st sober evening! Sparkling water and keeping busy and you lot have kept me going, thanks SO much grin

aliasjoey Tue 02-Oct-12 22:08:15

NoNo I understand how you feel, my health seems worse since I've not been drinking... its not exactly an incentive to carry on, is it? The only thing is, at least if you're not drinking, well you can rule out alcohol-related problems.

venus once said (oh where is she, I miss her sad) if you were taken ill tomorrow AND were also drunk, the doctors could so easily misdiagnose you, or not be able to treat it properly or... oh she put it much better than me, but you get the idea.

What would happen if you didn't on the work trip tomorrow? Because if you carry on, then you will end up so ill you have to have time off anyway so isn't it better to take the drugs and look after yourself ???

GoldenSeptember Tue 02-Oct-12 23:37:34

Joey grin grin at pimp my poodle and I really miss reading venus' posts too.

Faire I'm up for the weight loss challenge. I'm doing a combination of low GI and low-carb. Mainly low GI but today I hadn't eaten any carbs since before lunch so I used up all the cream and lots of cheese making a low/no-carb cauliflower cheese. Yum.

saf I can't remember whether you take ADs or not. If not, have you tried St. John's Wort? It has mixed results as an AD but can be good for SAD related depression.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 04:08:19

Thanks alias - the reason I can't be off sick is the redundancy situation. They are counting sick leave as part of the scoring matrix. I had some part days in may but can't remember how many. I also think I may have had some time late last year but am not sure and can't find out. So I am terrified of taking more time off in case it affects my score

Can't sleep. Throat sore and nose completely blocked. This is going to be a horrid day sad

Again - sorry for whinge

Checking in, yet again.

Beautiful thread title, I love that. smile

I will come back and chat later but just marking my place for now. <waves to other babes>

Witco Wed 03-Oct-12 08:27:01

Great night's sleep and am so relieved not to have drunk last night. Thanks Babes, am feeling groovy!

kotinka Wed 03-Oct-12 09:26:46

Nono - try & get a sinus spray (xylometazeline or oxymetazeline) like sudafed or ortivine. The sinus one's a bit dearer but squirts right up your snozz & will give you about 8 hours clear breathing. Take it before bed while you have the lurgy & you'll sleep better. I suppose all you can do is wait and see with the job, fingers crossed for you.

Witco - well done!

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 10:39:37

NoNo - alcohol will not get rid of a lack of immunity. Alcohol CREATES a lack of immunity because your body is weakened by the constant slog of processing alcohol. However, it does mean that you don't notice illnesses and also that your body doesn't really have time to be ill with anything except drunkenness (I'm no doctor, this is just my experience.)

When you do stop drinking, your body pokes its head above the parapet ans says, "right, time to do some repair work."

Of course, it could also be a coincidence - it is autumn, after all, and lots of people get ill.

If you don't go through this now, you will go through it whenever you do stop drinking; and, in the mean time, you will be permanently ill because of the side effects of chroninc drinking.

So your choice, logically, is never stop drinking; or stop and take a brief illness on the chin.

Note the word "never".

You've made the right decision, stick with it!

MIFLAW! Hello!

Last time I was on here you weren't around.

<MIFLAW wonders who the feck this newbie talking to him is ...>

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 10:48:46

Not at all - weren't you previously Little Red Dragon?

How's it going?

I was. smile

It's not going too badly - I was sober for nearly a year, but I've had a few goes at getting back now, and really need to work at it.

How're you doing?

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 10:51:58

Not too bad - still sober which is the main thing. Probably - well, definitely - about to separate from "wife" (her choice, not mine) but it is all as amicable and grown-up as can be expected and we are working towards joint access so I will still have lots of contact with kids.

No plans to drink and fuck things up even worse.

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 10:52:17

What got you back on it after a year?

Oh, I am sorry to hear that about your wife. But very good to hear you're still sober!

For me - just the usual idiocy, I think. 'Oh, can I be cleverer than alcoholism? Why, no, I can't'.

It was a very good year for me, though, and it has given me a lot of confidence to know I can do it again. And that when I slip, I need to just keep coming back and trying again instead of writing it off as impossible.

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 10:59:26

Keep it one day at a time, or it's very easy to worry about a situation before it even happens. (I know this for a fact - I often worry about how my daughter will cope with drinking as she is a lot like me. She is 4.)

Will do.

I can see why you'd worry about your DD, but at least she's going to grow up seeing you not drinking, and she'll have you on hand to warn her/look out for her if later on she does get into it.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 11:04:39

MIFLAW - thanks for responding to my whinge. We haven't met before. I have been on here since August. I am sorry to hear about your separation. I don't know how old your kids are. Mine are 6 and 3 and I am divorced from their dad. The joint residence thing is very hard - I won't lie to you. But it will help if you are able to communicate with your STBXW. I have real problems communicating with my ex and it makes joint parenting very hard. So the one thing I would advise above all is to keep communication channels open if they still are. Ours had shut long before we separated

I am feeling a little better now but did call in sick which is a risk with the redundancies. However I also realised how irresponsible it would have been to travel and audit a team of people when ill. I could pass it on to lots of people and it is truly a vile bug sad

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 11:04:57

No idea why met is bold?!

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 11:09:10

Well, that's just it, isn't it? If I was normal I would think, "well, she's only 4 and I can tell her what it was like for me and she'll never see me drinking if I plod on, one day at a time, and anyway she might take after her mother in that respect." But because I'm NOT normal I'm thinking, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, you're born this way or you're not, I never listened so why should she, and would I even want her to be like her mum because that would mean I couldn't relate to her?" The proper advice would be "wait and see", but I still end up worrying!

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 11:10:43

Oh and xpost. I see DD is 4 so perhaps your kids are similar ages to mine. If I can help in any way pls feel free to pm me with questions about shared residence etc. expect there to be outbursts of over emotional behaviour; lots of 'I don't want to go to mummy / daddy'. DS would cling to pieces of furniture at handover time or become so involved in something that he literally wouldn't stop during the handover. Frantic colouring while I put his shoes on etc. that I think was related to him not wanting the handover to happen so he was ignoring it as much as he could. It took time - probably around 8 months for DS to get used to it. He was just 4 when we separated. DD was only 18 months so her reaction was different again. Now in the main they accept the status quo. I don't think it is ideal for them but it had to be. It has made me appreciate them so much as I have to spend so much time without them. When they are with me I make every second count.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 11:12:12

DD will be her own person. She may be like you now but she will have a different set of experiences growing up and you have time to help her manage her emotions and her self confidence so that she doesn't end up needing to abuse alcohol.

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 11:15:38

Nono, you've probably done the right thing. But, more importantly, you haven't done the WRONG thing, which is to drink. Stay strong and keep it in the day, and talk to someone who understands your problem in real life if you have such a person.

Thanks for advice and support re break up. It's all been very clam to be honest - we both knew things had got rubbish between us, but I assumed we could work through it (kids nearly 5 and nearly 2, so rough patch to be expected, I'd have thought) - but, when I broached the subject, she told me that she didn't love me any more, so didn't see the point of trying. So, because we were at such a low point already, breaking up doesn't actually seem such a bad idea, since she's unwilling to try again.

People survive worse, don't they? And, to quote the favourite saying I have heard in AA, "If life was fair, I'd be dead."

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 11:40:02

MIFLAW - your kids are very similar ages to mine when we separated. It will be hard for them but they will cope. And because you will both be happier (eventually) it will be better for them too. My kids love having two houses, two lots of toys, two birthday celebrations (at least!). They have two separate holidays in the summer. They certainly get the best of me because I am 100% focused on them when they are with me. More so than I ever was when I was with their father as I was so unhappy, depressed (and drinking). And they get far more from their father too as he was hardly ever there.

The things that are hard are the loneliness when they are not with me; phoning to talk to them and hearing them crying and asking how long until they come back to me; having to sit back and have no say in the way he parents the children even when it is so far from the way I would wish for it to be done. But for the most part I know that they are happy when they are with their dad; and even though he and I don't agree on anything much (including parenting) I have had to let go of it all and just let him get on with doing it his way. Even when it meant Dd was coming back after a weekend with a bottom covered in thrush because he hadnt changed her frequently or spotted the infection. sad Even when he feeds them sweets and ice cream and chocolate every time he picks them up from school - and DD now has tooth decay sad

I am now over 2 years in and I still hate being apart from them 6 nights a fortnight. But - oh the joy when they are with me.

grin at 'if life was fair i'd be dead' - i would be, about a zillion times over.

good to see you miflaw - sorry to hear about your marriage but glad that it is going amicably and it 'feels' like you're doing well as can be expected from how openly you're talking about it. life never stops does it?

i'm driving home into my head the odaat business. i think those first 5 months were so easy and right feeling that i didn't really have to understand and grab onto the odaat aspect of it. hence when it wasn't easy and right feeling i had bugger all to hang onto. so that's what i have to learn: one day at a time, decide every day i'm not going to drink and make that the number one priority. i am also massively relying on the just for today card again and trying to do things off of it.

i can also relate to lrd's 'maybe i can be cleverer than alcoholism' hmm <slaps self>

sorry you're feeling so ill nono - maybe give it till friday morning and if you're still not right call the docs before the weekend. there is a great spray i bought in madrid when i had something nasty out of the blue and completely lost my voice - it was antiseptic and anaesthetising (can't spell) so it really soothed and helped get through. they must sell something similar here? that and the nasal spray someone recommended and some general cold and flu should prop you up a bit sad can definitely vouch for booze not making it better.

right - off to crack off with ironing - one of my 'do something you don't want to do just for exercise' tasks. self discipline is not a strong point of mine.

oh and yes! i am on ad's so can't take st john's but thanks for thinking of me. i had cut my ads down to virtually nothing in my months of sobriety but when this bloody autumn it's all gone dark and heavy switch went off in me i put them up a bit again so fingers crossed an improvement might be on the way. had hoped to get off of them totally but i'm still at a lower dose than i was and it's not a race i guess.

Mouseface Wed 03-Oct-12 14:40:21

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Koti - thank you for asking after me, been a busy couple of days here. Dispensary fucked up my pain meds BIG TIME so I've been to talk to my GP and told him that I have to manage my pain because I can not have an op and be out of action for 6 months currently.

He said that the dispensary are NOT permitted to make the decision that they did and will take it up with them.

I am now on 210mg of slow release morphine morning and night, with Oramorph and Diazepam in between.

He's going to review me in 2 weeks. Had a bit of a 'down in the dumps' moment earlier, I just hate my body not working as it should anymore. I feel very sorry for myself right now so please ignore any drama queen posts I make about myself. blush

MIF - sorry to hear about your relationship breaking down. And yes, you're right, if life was fair, I'd be dead like too, rather like Saf said - many, many , many times over.

I guess people do still fall out of love with each other, most of the stuff you read on here is all about affairs and abuse........ so an amicable split makes a pleasant change in this day and age IYKWIM? I have to say that I'm one from the camp of 'not staying together for the sake of the children' especially if there was any kind of abuse (verbal or otherwise) which the DC could be party too.

WELL DONE Obrigada smile

Saf - sounds like you know what you don't want from drinking - all of the physical and mental illness that go hand in hand. Keep posting and keep it in the real world, sorry the grey and dark days are getting to you. x

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 16:42:03

Hello
May I join you?
I have been watching you all a while and think I'm just about ready to join you!
My name is Obscure and I'm an alcoholic, started as a mild good time girl now a full on alcoholic with self destructive habit and now I'm I'm a fully paid up member of the alkie brigade (sorry for the name, just still angry).Sorry to be all about me, but is anybody else so angry about this state they find themselves in?

My Grandmother was an alcoholic as was my father, why me? I so want better for my children. X

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 16:53:52

In fact as this anonymous, I dont know, just put it out there that I now recognise that I've been abused in the past, the JS thread really bought that home and I feel that alcohol is my way of covering it up, anyone else feel that way?

MIFLAW Wed 03-Oct-12 17:00:46

I think that for a lot of drinkers - and not just alkies - drink is a way of covering up. What they cover up with it varies massively, both in terms of what it is and how serious it is.

With me, though, the drink went from being a cover up to a necessity, even when what I was covering up wasn't so bad (because these things ebb and flow, don't they?) and that made the drink itself a problem - maybe that's the difference between alcoholics and heavy drinkers.

Two more AA sayings I have found to be true:

1) "The good news about stopping drinking is you get your feelings back. The bad news about stopping drinking is you get your feelings back."

2) "If you want to know why you drank - stop drinking!"

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 17:10:39

Thanks MIFLAW Think you've just summed it up Have horrific thoughts, drink, thoughts so much worse.

I'm terrified of stopping drink, did it when pregnant x2 with no problems weirdly. But I lay there at night now thinking of what happened to me and I can't let it go so I drink. It doesn't make it better and I can't tell anybody so it eats away at me and I drink more.

My husband just thinks I'm an alcoholic no more too it, but I just can't bring myself to tell him why.

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 17:20:52

In fact husband thinks I can be cured! I cant. Want to die most of the time just not
brave enough!

Fairenuff Wed 03-Oct-12 17:23:02

Welcome to the bus Obscure, hope we can help you. So sorry that this awful thing happened to you and you feel you have no-one to talk to. The drinking, as you realise, isn't helping. Now, instead of having one massive burden to carry, you have two.

Why don't you try to put that burden down, one little bit at a time? How about starting by not drinking for one day. Just one day, to see how you go. We can help you with that x

sorry to hear what happened to you TO sad would it be worth starting a thread on it? there are a lot of people on mn with experience of abuse and dealing with it and it would be good to get their support and advice. not saying don't talk about it here! does sound like getting help to deal with that is really important. would you consider seeing a counsellor? maybe someone uninvolved would be best till you feel ready (if you do) to tell dh or friends. also seeing your gp may help - essentially you're self medicating with booze and there may be other options for dealing with the intrusive thoughts and feelings.

sat here trying to talk myself into getting ready and trekking into town for a meeting. would be very easy to just stay here on the sofa and enjoy a child free evening. know i should go though so i guess it will have to be another thing i don't want to do but do anyway.

i'm guessing i'm not the only alkie who has serious issues with self discipline? seems i hate being told what to do even by myself confused

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 17:35:01

Thanks fairenuff you make sense. just in the middle of a binge and can't see wood for trees. I can give up and have done twice in 2 years without any probes so am lucky it hasn't got to physiological stage just yet. I love my DH but he's old school and I can't explain what happened to me without him wondering what I did to provoke it. Sounds awful but I've always sold myself as invincible, my dH and everybody around me think Im just a cold fish tough nut. Can't take much more, feel like a pressure cooker. Worst ting is so many people have it so much worse and I feel guilty .

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 18:08:07

Thanks everybody, have thought about telling DH don't think he would cope. I need to keep it to myself would be real inconvenience to anyone else as I've hidden it so long! Just want to be sober md ' normal' .

Hello theobscure, nice to 'meet' you. My DH initially had a lot of difficulty understanding I can't be cured, so I sympathize.

Don't tell yourself other people have it worse - you have it bad enough! You deserve some kindness, just like everyone else - and by being an alcoholic, you're not being kind to your body.

I think in a funny way, alcoholics are a mixed of very selfish and arrogant ('of course I can have a drink! Of course I can have another!') and actually very insecure about being nice to themselves. You sound as if you're at the 'not being nice to yourself' stage, feeling as if you can't let down your invincible act and give yourself some time to sort this out.

<witters>

I witter on a lot, sorry! grin

mouse - that is rubbish about the meds. Good that your GP is taking some action, not just writing it off, but still, I'd be pretty furious!

Cross posted with you theobscure ... you may not want to tell your DH right this instant - but you are allowed to inconvenience other people! I mean, if it's an inconvenience to them, it's obviously a heck of a lot more of that to you yourself!

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 18:16:33

thanks, Ive just never felt I'm worth inconveniencing anyone. My DH is actually fab, he just doesn't know it all, neither would he want to! Just want to be normal ....

You are, though. Everyone's worth that.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Oct-12 19:00:46

Obscure I can't explain what happened to me without him wondering what I did to provoke it

You did nothing. I am sure of it. So many people keep quiet for the very same reason as this. They question themselves, every action, every inaction and blame themselves. This is just one of the reasons why so much abuse goes unreported and unspoken sad

x

TheObscure Wed 03-Oct-12 19:11:22

Thank you everybody. Unfortunately I DO deserve it, I am a very provocative person it seems. Men have always sought me out ( no more thankful
Ly)! Just want to get on with life, can't believe I've now got to deal with alcoholism. I love my children and don't want them to suffer my fate, oh God, they are going to be as messed up as me, the perpetual cycle for goodnesssakes!

Fairenuff Wed 03-Oct-12 19:53:35

Or you can make a different choice. You can teach your children that they are in charge of the direction their lives takes. They can have the best life possible for them if they aim high, make some positive changes and seek out help and support when they need it.

You can teach them by showing them. One day at a time.

dementedma Wed 03-Oct-12 20:13:51

Obscure,you are very welcome here. If you are not up to riding in the bus there is always the sidecar which is where I end up more often than not.
I still drink,but one thing this bus has taught me is that I am a person of value,I am worth caring about,I am not a nothing. You will learn the same,

Bproud Wed 03-Oct-12 20:42:45

Hi Obscure
I was abused as a child as well, and also used drink to keep the feelings about that at bay, although I actually didn't realise that was why I was drinking until I stopped!
When I stopped drinking a lot of hard and horrible memories came back to me, but because I wasn't drunk or hungover I COULD face up to it and have dealt with it to a large extent.
It is never going to go away, but I have come to terms with it, and why should I let that bad person hurt me twice, once by abusing me and second by turning me into an alcoholic?
I have been sober for 2 years with the help of the brave babes thread, I have read some self help books and I have carried out some self cleansing rituals - I wrote down everything I could remember about the abuse, because I wanted to get the timeline straight in my head, I wrote a letter to myself, forgiving MYSELF, but not the abuser - I can't do that, and then I had a little fire in the garden and burnt all that I had written down. This has given me some closure.
I did all this alone, because I could never tell my DH what happened to me, and I don't want his or other people's opinion of me to change to that of a victim. I refuse to be a victim. But I am sure that AA and counselling would be really useful for you if you can face it.
Sorry! this turned into a bit of an essay, but what I wanted to say is that you can get over this and you can CHOOSE to not let this take over your life by choosing not to drink today and one day at a time.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Wed 03-Oct-12 20:57:59

obscure - you can make a choice to break the cycle. It is a hard choice. Your children don't have to grow up messed up. You can help ensure they have the tools to deal with their issues so that they are strong and grounded. And that, along with loving them, is all you can really do

Keep talking. It helps x

Witco Wed 03-Oct-12 21:47:32

Found it harder not to pour myself a nice glass of red while making dinner this evening but poured myself a large glass of fizzy water and drank that instead. I kept telling myself today that I am respecting my body and myself blush, hope some of it is going in! Anyway don't feel like a drink now and I will have an early night again to get me through. Great to have the bus and each other to keep me going, thanks all.

You definitely don't deserve it theobscure.

Night night, witco. smile

I am sitting here drinking fizzy water too.

aliasjoey Wed 03-Oct-12 22:17:56

where did my (totally irrelevant, unhelpful and wittering) post go? sad

Fairenuff Thu 04-Oct-12 08:06:33

Morning all smile

If you didn't drink yesterday, how great do you feel today?

Do you feel that you made the right choice? Do you feel in control? Are you full of energy and ready to face the day full on?

Do you want to feel like that again tomorrow?

Boing!! grin

Morning faire!

I feel very good, nice to wake up to that set of questions!

And you?

alias - oh, no! That's so annoying.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Oct-12 08:22:18

I'm full of beans thanks LRD, the sun is shining, I've lost 1lb so far this week grin and I'm so glad to not be drinking. Life is crisp and clear and full of colour this morning.

This evening, I will be knackered after a busy day at work but I know I won't drink and I will get a good nights sleep ready to wake up for another Boing.

(And no, ma, that does not have anything to do with Mr Mouse grin)

Btw Saf how are the chooks settling in? Any names yet?

Ahh, that sounds lovely!

I never seem to lose weight not drinking, but I do feel much better. It is a gorgeous morning here as well, I'm going to see if I can get out for a walk later. Being tired is quite a good way to distract from drinking in the evenings, IMO.

kotinka Thu 04-Oct-12 09:24:18

I didn't drink yesterday & I still feel like poo. When will this bus lurgy end? Grrrr.

However, LRD, you're right, I'm proud of myself and saved at least £7 so I win ;-)

Saf - I saw this & thought of you :-)
chicken vests

aliasjoey Thu 04-Oct-12 10:08:45

Day 22

THREE WEEKS smile smile smile

kotinka Thu 04-Oct-12 10:19:23

Joey the Awesome!! Well done!

Go joey! smile

Well done [flowers]

kot - ick, hope the lurgy gets better soon.

Oh, why didn't that work? Sorry:

thanks

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 04-Oct-12 10:52:46

Glad there are so many positive people this morning

I am still ill and today marks 4 weeks of this lurgy. I am now so full of snot and my lips are chapped inside and out from breathing through my mouth. I am still hot and cold and shivering and coughing. I ache all over. Have had to take another day sick as was not up to the 6hr round drive today sad

When will this end? Went to the gp on tues but she wouldn't give me anything. I am so sick of feeling this ill sad

kotinka Thu 04-Oct-12 11:00:58

brew for you Nono, sorry you're still ill, shit isn't it.

hehe at link kot grin thanks for that. i did have a short fad of trying to be knitter. there are a few random, crappy scarves lying around as evidence.

the chickens come tonight - in the dark! think of me somewhere around 8pm tonight up the end of my garden trying to brave transporting chickens (i've never actually picked up a chicken in my life) into my henhouse. ds is determined he wants to call one of them, "lexy" so we may have to go down the pornstar-style name route.

sorry for all the lurgy sufferers - horrible when it drags on and on and feels like it's been forever.

i feel pretty good this morning. went back to my meeting last night and basically wept all the way through it. tried to share back and did but ended up having to stop when a big sob came out of me embarrassingly unexpectedly. people were really nice and i think what i was feeling was important TO feel iyswim. odaat stuff sinking in and realising that means one day at a time for the.rest.of.my.life. was both upset (hit by the seriousness of it and that i may not be able to do it and this disease could actually destroy me) and angry that it had to be that hard and endless. though of course you have your oldtimers to tell you it does get easier and no one would be sat there if it didn't because they'd all be dead.

sobbing and hyperventilating in front of people is not my usual style but hey, my usual style hasn't served me too well. so fuck it. better out than in i guess blush

have had a nice easy slow start day and now must get on with practising doing things i don't want to do <insert stampy toddler potty training emoticon> off to do some ironing.

MIFLAW Thu 04-Oct-12 12:22:20

Is Jesus What Next still around?

Obscure "I am a very provocative person it seems. Men have always sought me out ( no more thankfulLy)!"

In case you didn't reailse, I am a man. I know for a fact that, drunk or sober (but mainly drunk) I have occasionally paid women attention that they frankly did not want and sometimes misread signals.

But I have NEVER, drunk or sober, got to a position where I have abused a woman. Eventually, even really drunk people understand the words "no" and "stop". Whether or not they react to them is then a choice they make.

Being provocative and men seeking you out do not excuse those same men for not taking "no" for an answer.

I'm no expert on this matter, but please don't ever blame yourself for someone else being a shit.

MIFLAW Thu 04-Oct-12 12:24:23

SAF

It doesn't have to be hard. Once you let realism into your life you see that this IS the "easier, softer way."

Still seems unfair and shit sometimes though. That's why we do it one day at a time, I guess ...

aliasjoey Thu 04-Oct-12 12:55:36

obscure yes alcohol numbs emotions temporarily. They keep coming back. When you're sober you have to deal with them. That's hard, there are different ways of doing that & you must be find the best way for you. You say you can't talk to your friends and family; could you talk to a stranger, a counsellor? They are trained to help (although in my experience, and I've seen NINE different counsellors before finding one that I clicked with!) private ones seem to be better than NHS ones.

Could you start an anonymous thread, or if thats all too difficult maybe write it down for yourself as faire suggested?

You have made a start which is understanding that alcohol does not make things better. You have made a very brave first step.

aliasjoey Thu 04-Oct-12 12:57:18

saf how many chickens? are they ex-battery hens?

Did you decide on names?

I like Betty, Dot and Margo.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 04-Oct-12 14:29:05

oh sAf - that sounds really REALLY hard. i do think it sounds like it needed to happen though. hopefully those chookies will help you focus on keeping going for the next few days. how exciting. i would also love to get some at some point, so keep us posted

obscure - whatever has happened to you (and i can only hazard a guess) is NOT your fault. no matter what you have been told or made to believe, you did not provoke it. the shame you feel is what is stopping you from letting go and moving on. i think talking to someone about it, or writing it down, would be very helpful. please stay with us

haven't provided a kitten update for a while. they are full of beans - not particularly destructive, just into everything. Diavlo loves my laptop and walks all over it constantly; he is now exploring the airing cupboard... i am finding all my piles of paperwork, kids' drawings etc scattered everywhere as they jump on the surfaces and then skid everywhere. i left some unfinished bead stuff that i was doing with DD on the windowsill and came down in the morning to a kitchen floor COVERED in beads. schoolgirl error really!

DS spends hours playing with the kittens. he loves them so much and he laughs and laughs when he is playing with them. it is truly lovely to see. the first thing he does when he gets up in the morning is rush through and play with them. i hope this means a long and happy relationship for him with them. DD also plays with them but she is only 3 so doesn't have the stamina yet to keep the games going

obrigada Thu 04-Oct-12 16:18:17

MIFLAW, JWN is still around, she pops in and outsmile think she popped in the other day to say hello to you!

ruralreynard Thu 04-Oct-12 16:18:47

Just checking in
Back in the sidecar blush

obrigada Thu 04-Oct-12 16:26:47

Hi Rural, do you want to talk about it?

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 04-Oct-12 17:39:23

<waves at rural in the sidecar through the bus window>. Hope you are ok lovely xx

Fairenuff Thu 04-Oct-12 18:19:41

Being provocative and men seeking you out do not excuse those same men for not taking "no" for an answer

Hear, hear. Obscure I hope you are reading this and are able to come back when you feel ready, even if you're not ready to stop drinking just yet. Just come and hang out with us for a bit?

Saf I think if you throw a blanket over a chicken it stops running and is easier to catch. When they arrive, check whether their wings have been clipped, otherwise they might be able to fly a little.

jesuswhatnext Thu 04-Oct-12 18:27:59

yep!! still here MIFLAW, just finding that being sober means that my life is so freakin busy i have to dash in and out of here now and again - off to one of my classes tonight in fact, a craft i have always wanted to learn, one i can now do because my evenings are not taken up with getting pissed!

apologies to all babes, still havent caught up with the thread blush just a little thought, when i was drinking i felt worthless and was prepared to take just about any old shit because i 'deserved' it, getting sober has changed that mind set somewhat, obscure, you are a valuable human being, treat yourself as such!!! smile

ruralreynard Thu 04-Oct-12 19:47:48

obrigada nono I am ok.
Getting an early night and day one starts tomorrow.
Keep posting obscure there is support and good advice here, totally agree with jwn getting sober changes your mind set and helps you realise you should treat yourself as the valuable human being you are.
Night babes

dementedma Thu 04-Oct-12 20:21:50

Moves up to make room for Reynaud

dementedma Thu 04-Oct-12 20:22:17

Reynard,even!

Witco Thu 04-Oct-12 21:36:45

3rd night on the wagon and I realise that the trickiest time is just after I get in from work. That's when I start thinking about pouring a glass of wine, how I deserve it after a stressful day, etc. Once I get through that part it gets easier so i am going to get some nice soft drinks to take that edge off when i am feeling vulnerable. Friday night is going to be difficult but I'm not going to think about that tonight. One day at a time and all that! Great to have the support from here everyone, it makes such a difference. And I have to say I am sleeping so much better!

or maybe even a new little ritual that is genuinely soothing witco - slip into some lovely comfy evening clothes? take a bath? cleanse and moisturise the day away? whatever. be good i think to replace comfort associations with genuine comforts that we replaced with booze somehow.

morning all smile

today i will not be drinking. it may be a good day, a bad day or a mixed bag but i will not drink today. anyone joining me?

chickens are in situ. have been out and coaxed them out of their house and into the little fully enclosed run and let the dogs see them. lab is very very very excited by them - hoping this settles down over time and gradual exposure. their ability to free range rests in part on her ability to not see them as prey.

hope everyone slept well and woke lightly x

ruralreynard Fri 05-Oct-12 09:49:23

Morning all,
I will join you saf I will not be drinking today.
<shuffles to the back of the bus in shame> Day 1 again.
Will also get my lazy a**e to lunchtime AA meeting for some extra support.
People talking about relapsing made me want to drink last time think you have had that problem saf also feeling I should speak and being to shy and tongue tied, thats a personality thing I guess. If I have been drinking I am the opposite but probably spout total shite.blush

Thats how I feel this morning TOTAL SHITE !!!

saf great news about chickens, decided on names yet?
I haven't got my own chickens, would love some but yeah you guessed NSDH hates them so no go sad. I do look after chickens for a couple of friends when they are away, enjoy that and get free eggs. Sounds like you haven't got a cockerel which is probably wise, my one friend has and seeing the chicks is lovely but the cockerel aptly named ginger ninja is really hard to deal with , real mind of his own and quite aggressive in "protecting" his hens.

Welcome back miflaw don't think I,ve said that, so glad you are still not drinking even though times are obviously not good at present, awesome stuff smile
Hope everyone else is well.
Bye for now babes.

hello Babes. Sorry to post and dash but I keep losing this thread!
Speka later. xx

kotinka Fri 05-Oct-12 17:47:50

Alrighty lovelies! Just completed my forst week of college, buzzing & knackered at the same time. Got to design a logo for the new prospectus, cheeky sods are getting free labour ;-)

aliasjoey Fri 05-Oct-12 19:08:19

Day 23, bit fed up today, looking forward to my toffee mousse later. Heaven help me if Sainsburys stop making them...

kotinka Fri 05-Oct-12 19:36:41

What's up Joey?

aliasjoey Fri 05-Oct-12 19:48:09

oh just children and husbands. Nothing dreadful, DD has just been pushing my buttons lately... then I lose my temper and feel guilty for over-reacting.

How ya doin?

kotinka Fri 05-Oct-12 19:54:26

Not bad, glad it's the end of the week. I'm also having button pushing from a hormonal 7 yr old! I know how you feel. We all lose our tempers now & again, hopefully it'll teach them not to push their luck!

Looking forward to a hot bath & early night as soon as my 2 have gone off.

EllieorOllie Fri 05-Oct-12 21:34:49

Evening all

Reading but not posting, dealing with the house of plague. I'm not ill anymore but everyone else is. Two stomach bugs, a cold and one post-jab case of mild mumps at last count. Popping in to say I am NOT drinking tonight, aiming for an af weekend. Hope everyone's having a happy and safe Friday evening, whether on the bus or in the sidecar.

Witco Fri 05-Oct-12 23:20:06

Am in the side-car tonight, very tough day at work dealing with the fallout of redundancy announcements. Haven't overdone it but I am disappointed and know I will feel worse about it tomorrow. Hey ho, the struggle goes on angry

morning all smile

hope everyone who was aiming not to drink managed it and feels bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning.

i've been invited to interview for a job - very surprised to hear back from them and now very scared - there is an hour of group discussions as part of the interview! it's a good job though and it draws upon my teaching experience, my degree subject, my counselling skills and my experience of living in other cultures. not often i see a job advertised that draws it all together and makes my cv look like a coherent whole instead of a random scattergram. so i have to go for it regardless of how scared i am. isinde i bet you'd be well placed to know what they're looking for and what to do in the group discussions... help?!!

today i won't be drinking. i'm deciding that every day now in the morning and deciding that i mean it. today i won't drink even if bad stuff happens, even if i'm sad, anxious, angry, stressed, happy, whatever. decision made.

hopefully you will all be joining me xx

oh and if JWN should pop her head - i need your style and beauty guru'ness on the case to work out what on earth to wear to interview.

kotinka Sat 06-Oct-12 10:51:32

Saf! Congratulations! That's brilliant news. When's the interview?

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 10:55:32

Well done Saf that sounds just right for you. Exciting and terrifying at the same time though! Just remember, everyone else will be feeling the same and if it's right for you, it will fall into place somehow x

I will join you not drinking today. Good idea to make the decision in the morning, get it done and then there's no going back. Glad to hear the chickens are settling in ok.

sodalime Sat 06-Oct-12 15:19:18

Hi hope everyone is having a good Saturday. Looking for some encouragement. Been sober for 9 months and am now wavering. Going out to a posh dance tonight and am thinking that I need a drink. I think i feel that its a bit of an anti climax to go to the effort to get dressed up if i cant participate in the whole experience - and then there's the thought of making small talk sober. I know i am being daft but i cant shake the thought that a drink would make it easier. Sorry, i know that alot of people have real struggles. It would just be nice to shake this off and be normal for a night..

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 16:57:47

Well done soda, you've done brilliantly. How have you felt socialising over the past 9 months, without a drink? What's so different about this evening that makes you feel you need/want a drink?

sodalime Sat 06-Oct-12 17:20:43

I've managed okay socially but tend to socialise on a small scale. It took a while for my friends to understand that i was giving up alcohol for good. At first i dont think this was received well as i think my role in the group to some extent had become the clown. I change when drunk and although am actually shy become very extrovert and outrageous when drunk. But now my friends see that i am much happier i think they get what i am doing and some are even also cutting down. I suppose tonight is more of an occasion - an annual event that i go to. I am thinking back on previous years probably through rose tinted spectacles, wishing that i could join in the fun. But it wouldnt be fun would it - not when i see the film through to the end.. Thanks - am off to get ready and am back on track..

aliasjoey Sat 06-Oct-12 17:20:52

congratulations saf !

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 17:36:37

I think you will be glad tomorrow if you don't drink today soda. You had good reasons for stopping and you might not be able to get it back under control again once you give in to that 'little voice'. Have a good evening, stay strong x

Mouseface Sat 06-Oct-12 20:18:05

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Hello to all the new Babes smile and a HUGE WELCOME!

Saf - CONGRATULATIONS, I am so happy for you. Yay!! Sounds perfect for your talents (is that the right word?), your counselling skills on here alone are truly amazing at times. The way you can see things through 'other eyes'. xx

Sorry not to post more but I am one poorly mouse. Was told by NHS Direct On-Line to call 999 immediately and get an ambulance, when I put my symptoms in to Q&A this morning, shock I decided to try to speak to a human being, who luckily managed to whittle some of the questions and answers I gave, in to a lot less drama.

I have some sort of fucking awful chest infection/viral infection. I almost collapsed at pre-school yesterday and DH had to come get me and Nemo. I was as white as a sheet and shaking uncontrollably. Had a shocking night, poor DH. He kept having to help me move over.

I'm going to bed now to try and get some sleep...... My extremities are cold and I have had a temp of 39.1 from 3pm today, I'm just checking it again and going to take my anti-b's that the emergency A&E doc gave me, plus the cold and flu tablets I have.

Anyway, Sorry to bang on about me, keep taking it ODAAT Brave Babes, you can do this. You really, really can.

Night xxx

dementedma Sat 06-Oct-12 21:51:03

Mouse,you sound awful. Don't be a hero - if you need to go to hospital then go!
Haven't read the thread. Hope you all doing ok

EllieorOllie Sat 06-Oct-12 23:17:36

Day 2 done. Drank alcohol free beer which I know isn't ideal but it's still a damn sight better than half a bottle of wine!

Aaand, tomorrow I will not be drinking.

Mouse I hope you feel better soon, sounds really awful.

Saf well done on the interview.

Waves to ma

Night night all, sleep tight...

kotinka Sun 07-Oct-12 09:50:48

Bus lurgy still lingering on here, yuk.

Hope you're on the mend Mouse, you sound in a bad way.

For all those who helped out when I went temporarily nuts recently, just giving you an ending to the story. SS sent a very nice report saying the kids were very happy & well looked after and blissfully unaware of me being down and that no further action was required, case closed. GP increased my thyroxine & is reviewing at Christmas. Still not drinking, apart from that shared bottle with H a while ago. Feeling much more positive, less tired but still in pain (that's arthritis for ya).

Thank you everyone, I think it would have been much harder to deal with without your advice and support.

EllieorOllie Sun 07-Oct-12 09:57:21

That's great Koti. Onwards and upwards from now on smile

kotinka Sun 07-Oct-12 10:10:30

Thankks smile day 3 for you ellie? You're doing well, are you finding it ok?

guggenheim Sun 07-Oct-12 10:20:45

Hiya,

Little post from me, will come back later to say hi properly.

I've been drinking again- not loads but I didn't want to drink at all. I don't really have enough work on to pay anything other than the basic bills , but it's ok. Then my ou box arrived which look amazing. So I decided I couldn't manage it and bought wine. Ffs!

mouse hope you are ok?
kotinka I didn't expect anything else from ss, they have to do follow up interviews but I'm sure it was just a formality in your case. You sound well smile
saf how exciting!!! Wow!!!! I'm desperate to know what it is (but I know you can't say). Good luck.

big wave to rural and sodalime- don't blow it now. 9 months is such an achievement, really isn't worth that one drink.

guggenheim Sun 07-Oct-12 10:21:58

Also well done elly, you sound very cheerful smile

morning all smile

sorry you're so poorly mouse - hope it's short lived!

kotinka - that is great news. fingers crossed the change in thyroid medicine makes a huge difference - well known how down that can make you x

soda - hope you managed not to drink, if not i hope you're ok now and will come and talk. you sound really aware - the rose tinted glasses thing is spot on - we need to remember the worst of our drinking and what it was like at the end not the 'good times' when things were ok.

thanks for the congratulations. i've been in touch with my referees and am reading through whatever relevant documents and policies i can find gradually and have been on a clothes hunting mission and think i know what i'm going for. one of my referees has sent me a lovely email telling me how i came across to him in interview and working in groups and showing confidence in me which helps. still terrified mind.

well done to everyone on their non drinking. today i will not be drinking but will have to watch others drink - sunday dinner with family. will make sure i'm very focused and 'ok' before i go.

aliasjoey Sun 07-Oct-12 11:51:13

kotinka great news, although I didn't expect anything else - you sound like a great mum and would never do anything to harm your kids

I have been saved by the Bus again! Coming up is my DHs birthday - which is when I would allow myself to have a drink after several weeks. We're going to his parents though & I was questioning whether I really wanted to drink there. I've thought that if I drink in the future (maybe once a week?) it should only be at home, where I can control the situation. An evening at the in-laws tends to go wrong because

a) I'm watching everyone else to check they don't drink more than their 'share'
b) After all the wine is drunk, everyone else moves on to spirits which I don't drink, so I feel resentful
c) I will drink anything else I find in someone else's house, even if its inappropriate
d) will also get rude and argumentative - although with my MIL that would happen drunk or sober grin

So (sorry this is long) I was thinking I'd not drink on DHs birthday... and then I was worried what this would mean for the future - what about a 2-day stopover at Christmas? What about being at MY own family house?

And then I remembered the Bus's motto: One Day At A Time. I only need to think about next weekend, not next month or Christmas!

<goes off to decorate the bus, with smiley faces, slogans and streamers>

EllieorOllie Sun 07-Oct-12 16:05:22

Afternoon lovely ladies, hope there have been good weekends all round.

Helloooooo to Witco and Gugg in the sidecar.

Soda, I hope you got through last night ok, I find social occasions stressful, I think lots of us do on here, it's a big part of the problem.

Joey, you are right about ODAAT. I don't worry about drinking/not drinking per se, but I'm the worst kind of pointless rebel, so if I set a goal such as not drinking for a week or month, then I'll self-sabotage as quickly as possible, normally within the first 24 hours!! ODAAT makes that impossible, and suddenly I'll get to a week or whatever without noticing. For example, I'm on day 3, I'm not drinking today, but I don't know yet what's going to happen tomorrow so there's no pressure.

Gugg, you mentioned an ou box, are you studying?

So yes, day 3, hmm. I don't like day 3 or day 4. Day 1 and 2 are fine because I know you're not supposed to drink every night and your body needs rest days yada yada yada. But day 3 and day 4 are my weak days because I COULD have a couple of drinks and still be within 'normal' drinking guidelines over the course of the week. But then of course I'm comparing myself to a 'normal' drinker, which I'm not. And I'm such a lightweight that even if I have two drinks I'll feel awful the next day anyway. Must. Play. Film. Through. To. End.

<focuses on the Becks Blue in the fridge and wanders off reciting ODAAT and rambling on incoherently...>

EllieorOllie Sun 07-Oct-12 16:06:52

Sorry about lack of bolding, I (ahem) can't work out how to use my star key on my laptop. And I big up my IT skills in my cv hmm

Hi everyone.

kot - oh, that is great news! smile

I had a couple of glasses of champagne and a couple of shots at a party last night, but over about six hours, so I am reasonably pleased with myself. I've drunk this week but squeaked in just about under 14 units.

ellie - your day three blues rings so true to me too! It's just that place in the cycle where it's so hard not to say 'why not?'. I keep trying to make sure I've got something planned for day 3-4 that helps me remember not to drink, like planning to drive out to the cinema with DH or going swimming after dinner. I'm really glad to know it's not just me who tends to come off the rails that day.

This next week (cross fingers), I will not be drinking. smile

Hope all babes are having a good and sober weekend.

venusandmars Sun 07-Oct-12 17:57:12

So... I go on holiday and MIFLAW reappears, briefly. How are you, you old bugger?

Returning from hols, I looked at the first couple of pages of this new thread, and then jumped over here.... I saw a few new posters a couple of weeks ago - have they disappeared? Or are they just a couple of pages away?

greeneyed Sun 07-Oct-12 18:04:13

Hello, been mostly lurking, inspired by your efforts and supportiveness. Think I'd like to take a seat on the bus now. Feeling very hungover today and made a fool of myself last night, I'm cringing and full of guilt that my little one has been bored all day whilst I'm laid on the sofa sad

Did you have a good holiday, venus?

green - ouch, that doesn't sound fun. sad

But ... we've all made idiots of ourselves. It's horrible but let it remind you not to drink again, don't let it twist you up inside. You never look as much of an idiot to other people as you do to yourself the day after!

greeneyed Sun 07-Oct-12 19:16:42

Thank you LDR

sodalime Sun 07-Oct-12 19:38:51

hi well thats the weekend over. hope you all had a good one. Didnt drink last night and was glad even as the evening went on. Even when my mum - having told me that she thought it was great that i hadnt been drinking said one wouldn't hurt. i pointed out that it wouldn't be one glass would it. It would be a bottle it would actually have been nearer two, but saved her this detail) and then another tonight and then the next night. Possibly my fault for not being more open, but i dont think she knows the full extent. She would be horrified if she thought her daughter in charge of her grandchildren had consistently drank at 10 bottles of wine every week - and more at holidays and high days. am rambling. Anyway, last night was good fun and as i looked around it struck me that those who were drinking didnt really look as if they were having any better a time and peaked briefly before becoming somewhat jaded by the end of the night. Funny how the reality didnt seem anywhere near as good as the perception. Also, i want to say thanks to all the posters. I feel bad as i rarely post or contribute but i have taken so much from you all over the years. I had a few abortive attempts at stopping drinking and have done better recently. I check in religiously each night and your posts keep me keeping on. I am sure there are many more like me and so you probably dont realise just how many people you all touch and are helping. Love to you all x

sodalime Sun 07-Oct-12 19:43:13

PS good luck for the interview SAF. It all sounds very promising and i have my fngers crossed for you x

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sun 07-Oct-12 21:01:05

Good luck sAf - amazing effort and hope it all works out for you x

mouse - how are you? This lurgy I have is truly vile.

rural - you ok?

I am in the sidecar blush

guggenheim Sun 07-Oct-12 21:59:35

night babes,

Stayed off the booze tonight but very aware of feeling less than cheerful so I don't know how long I will manage to stay on the bus.
joey I very much admire you for knocking the wine witch back into place- well done.

ellie love the 'pointless rebel' bit- me too.Well done on day 3 it is a tough one smile I am starting a course with the ou- it looks brilliant but I'm not sure I can manage it.

I'm bloody whingy tonight, aren't I? Will come back tomorrow with a better attitude!

well done soda on being honest when talking to your mum. definitely the way forward.

Waves to the babes in the sidecar. Night all.

hello lovely Babes.
I am in the sidecar again but only moderately so...

I had a sober weekend which was so lovely. we took the DTs to the park and sang songs and played and the weather today has been glorious. We went for a long walk this morning which ended up with me pushing an empty twin buggy with DT2 on my back in the sling with DP with the other sling with DT1 in it. It's weird to think that I was posting on here just before they were born and now they are two years and two months old!

I am now i s a very weird hotel in a little village just outside of Ipswich. and have had 2 glasses of wine but have left them all to their drinking and have come to my room to escape.

Mouse really hope you are feeling better soon lovely. I know you have a masters degree in your condition and the pain management that involves but...I would second Ma's post about getting to a hospital if you are worried. too often people with ongoing conditions brave things out and actually you might need to get some extra help? Sending you my best lovely.

Saf fab news about the interview! I have pm-ed you my mate.
Soda well done my lovely and please stay with it!

Rural how's things my lovely?

Venus glad to see you back you amazing woman you! I hope your holiday was super relaxing and wonderful.

Love to all xx

Oh and thoughts before bedtime...If anybody reads the papers on tuesday to hear that a middle aged man's body has been found face down in a ditch near Ipswich then i know nothing..grin
I have a co-trainer on this gig that keeps coming out with the most sexist and offensive claptrap that my tongue has been bitten off and my patience worn so thin..
The things we do to pay the mortgage eh?

kotinka Sun 07-Oct-12 22:44:01

Wow, got through a shitty day with the kids, they were in a very peculiar mood all day. They're not usually naughty but we've had pretty much everything today. I was reaching for the bottle by 3pm but didn't in the end. Still want a drink. I suppose a shitty day is still a trigger for me. It's been a couple of weeks, I thought I'd got past that but it's still there. Funny that.

kotinka Sun 07-Oct-12 22:45:12

Indie, what a nob!! Hope you can get your revenge grin

oh insinde! i hope you've dreamt up a few sly jokes to put him in his place tomorrow. or you could just go with ah right, now jim davidson is finished let's get down to business type filing of what he says. tosser.

well done kotinka. i am finding it helps to make the decision in the morning and include in it that i'm not going to drink EVEN if i feel angry/stressed/tired etc or even if the sky falls in. i have to sew up those loopholes daily.

child, chickens, dogs and cat have been fed so i finally get to sit down for a cup of coffee! i'm sure i was meant to be a farmer or zoo keeper or something. i could happily get up at dawn and go to bed at dusk and live in wellies.

off to check my pm for your wisdom insinde.

morning everyone smile

Fairenuff Mon 08-Oct-12 08:28:31

Soda Funny how the reality didnt seem anywhere near as good as the perception

Yes! This is so true. When I do drink I wonder sometimes why I bother. The first glass doesn't even taste that nice. There's still some lingering habit there for me and it's not really a problem but I do sometimes think I might chuck it in altogether.

Gugg Stayed off the booze tonight but very aware of feeling less than cheerful so I don't know how long I will manage to stay on the bus

The thing with not drinking, my lovely, is that to enjoy it you have to embrace it. Otherwise, when you are not drinking you are miserable because you think you're missing out on something and when you do drink you are miserable because you feel like shit and feel like you let yourself down. It's a no win situation. And if you want to drink to cheer yourself up, you can see that that won't work either because the next day you will regret it and feel even more miserable.

Does any of that make sense? confused grin

Now, yesterday I discovered peppermint and licorice tea and, for me, it's the tastiest drink I've had in ages. I had three cups all in a row and looking forward to having it after work today. I'm still working on changing my habits but every little helps, imo.

I only lost 1lb this week, not sure why, possibly totm, but will keep at it this week. Anyone else manage to lose anything?

Mouse can I just echo what everyone else has said. So difficult for you to put your needs first I know, but do try and take whatever help they can offer, even if it's just a few hours respite.

Isinde think of the money, think of the money . . .

Have a good day all x

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 08:42:37

Hello ladies, day 2 for me though day one wasn't really a conscious effort just too ill to drink! I have an open bottle of wine in the fridge wonder if I can withstand that temptation! I have. An added complication that I have started taking stimulent medication (prescribed) which is making me edgy and panicky so I have been drinking more in the evenings again to relax/ get to sleep, look at me making excuses already, sigh... Hope you all have a good day x

Can you pour it down the sink, or failing that, use it to marinade some meat?

Not suggesting you should waste money if you can resist, obviously, but I know I couldn't!

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 09:11:19

I've just suctioned it so it's good for a couple of weeks, there's only half a glass out of the bottle, fuck what do I sound like!

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 09:29:24

I'm probably not ready to be on the bus but I'll definately stay for today x

Hey, I wasn't trying to guilt-trip you! grin

Just thinking what I'm like myself.

Good luck for today.

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 09:36:02

greeneyed, we all started here not ready to be on the bus but knowing we had to do something. Don't worry, you're in the right place and it will get easier soon.

xxx

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 09:50:02

Well thank you for having me lovely ladies (and gents) hopefully I can stay a while

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 09:54:43

btw when you said you'd just suctioned it, you reminded me of a time I spilled my LAST G&T over a filthy student-house kitchen counter. I was so desperate for booze I sucked it up with a straw blush

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 09:59:17

Oh dear kotinka, no that's not what I meant, expect I have done similar though!

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 10:03:47

grin

greeneyed today is perfect - get on for today smile decide about tomorrow tomorrow.

was it you who keeps chickens greeneyed? sorry if i've muddled.

EllieorOllie Mon 08-Oct-12 10:23:00

<boings on to the bus>

Morning all!

Saf I have chickens...

Day 4 and today I will not be drinking

MIFLAW Mon 08-Oct-12 10:26:21

Aliasjoey - "And then I remembered the Bus's motto: One Day At A Time. I only need to think about next weekend, not next month or Christmas!"

No - you only need to think about TODAY. The time to think about next weekend is next weekend, or next Friday if you must. Today you plan not to drink. That is all.

Good luck with it!

timetochange70 Mon 08-Oct-12 10:58:36

Hi,pleeese can i join ?
Have name changed for this because im so ashamed.
Ive been drinking most nights for a few years now. Started off as a glass of wine to relax after work and has become something i now recognise i am choosing over more important things-like going out with my girlfriends or taking my children out because i know ill have to drive.
I drink wine mostly and about half a bottle sometimes more.I know its not a HUGE amount compared to some who i think drink a lot more, but the dependancy and realisation that i am on a slippery slope is real.
last night i had yet another alcohol fuelled domestic with my dh. Ive become aware that out recent arguments which have become disgusting because i am so so horrible, are partly if not entirely fuelled by me drinking wine.Last night i ended up argueing until 2 am and kept my children awake because i just would not give in. I never ever want to be so awful in front of my children again which is why please i want to join your bus for some tips on stopping this and getting my life back on track.
Ideally id like to not drink at all in the week and enjoy a glass at the weekend with dinner-not reach for the wine before anything else.
Thank you x

EllieorOllie Mon 08-Oct-12 11:24:02

time welcome. I'm right at the beginning of this journey so I don't have any wise words for you. However, my drinking was very much like yours. Half a bottle most nights, triggered in an immediate sense by 'coping' with work. I still drink, and I'm not where I'd like to be yet, but I now have as many non-drinking days as I do drinking days, and it's getting easier (I think!). It's really important to break the habit of coming in from work and pouring a glass of wine, or starting to cook, or waiting for 7 pm, or whatever it is that makes you pick up that first glass.
I used to pick up as soon as I got home, so now I cleanse off my make up and moisturise instead. And then if I still want wine I leave it for half an hour and do something else or drink something else, and just keep repeating the process until I get to 9.30 or so and the craving stops.

And just do it one day at a time...

thurso1 Mon 08-Oct-12 11:31:11

Morning everyone!

I'm back inside the bus, if you'll have me!

I haven't actually been off the bus, just sitting in the library (next to the sidecar, just under the roof rack) writing my dissertation, which I have just taken to the printers shockgrin, and at my advanced age, I couldn't allow myself any luxuries of distraction, writing anything other than what I was supposed to be doing, would have sent me spinning off track. Oh for the bendy brain of a 22year old, able to FB, surf the internet and messages, etc, all whilst writing an essay!

I haven't read back properly, but really wanted to check in.

Kot I'm so happy that all went well for you. You sound like a fab mum. A horribly worrying time though.

Venus I hope you had a wonderful holiday and that all is well with you.

Mouse Hugs to you xxx

Isinde I think I could probably do with some of your expertise in the training field, I don't know where to go next!

Hello to all lovely new babes, and all my old muckers (that's you Ma grin), I hope to be posting a bit more in future, I don't have many (any?) helpful or insightful things to say, but from when I first joined this bus, it has always been a place of honesty, kindness and compassion; tough love or otherwise. Bless Gerald, and all who ride in him hmm.

Mif dear man, I am so pleased that you are back, so many things that you wrote when I first came on here have stayed with me, and become my "operational tools". Almost sound bites (the boxing ring, seeing the fim through to the end) that I use when my whisperer says "one won't hurt".
I am very, very sad to hear that your marriage is breaking up. Don't know what else to say, really. I send you my love.

Speak later
xxxxx

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 11:31:57

No I don't keep chickens but I'd like to! Welcome time! My "normal" drinking is much the same but it has creeped up again recently. I realise drinking half a bottle of wine a night is not normal and don't want to do that either. Like you though I usually stop at that so I can rationalise well I'm not drunk so it's not problem

thurso1 Mon 08-Oct-12 11:32:11

X posted

Welcome time, what's your plan for tonight?

timetochange70 Mon 08-Oct-12 11:38:51

Well i thought tonight maybe i`d just have to drink tea and maybe do a few hours at work actually. Or maybe spend some quality time reading to dc instead of wanting to sleep or drink.Yes i think i`ll just stop tonight .

thurso1 Mon 08-Oct-12 11:55:04

It's one day time, you can always change your mind tomorrow. How about just for today?, then tomorrow you can do it "just for today" too, if you want to.
When is your normal time for having a glass of wine? If you can distract yourself at that time, maybe eat something with the children, or drink a big glass of water (or even coke or something fizzy), brush your teeth, sort the washing, anything to change your routine.

(realise I've just said the same as ellie blush)

timetochange70 Mon 08-Oct-12 12:13:07

Thanks Thurs. My usual time is as soon as i start cooking tea. If i can get to around 8 or 9 i`m not at all fussed really. Its when i get in from work and have to start again x Being in the kitchen really

welcome time smile you're getting some good advice. good luck with making a change tonight.

thurso - woohoo! done and dusted.

ellie - sorry got muddled up. chickens are not laying much at all and i realised weren't eating much so i soaked their pellets overnight and fed them it as mash this morning and it seems to have gone down better. tried some halved grapes as treats but they're not much interested. do they take a while to start laying when they move do you know?

am reading all the documents i can get my hands on to find out all about the policies and strategies relating to this job. my head is swimming. thurso i don't have a bendy brain anymore either. my body is going the same way - recently i am really stiff and ouchy for the first half hour or so after i get up. i realise i'm very lucky not to have a condition that makes that the norm all day every day! i think i'm just getting old shock

aliasjoey Mon 08-Oct-12 13:50:12

MIFLAW yes I know the ODAAT means I don't have to think about it till Friday, but I already feel pretty confident I can do this week - but as a Worrier am already anxious about well everything

Shit everything I say at the moment is just going wrong!! Why the hell did I post a contoversial comment on another thread? Did I really expect people to reply 'yes joey you're so wise, so clever'? You're not venus for gods sake.

Want a drink but won't have one, but struggling to 'embrace' it as someone earlier on here said. Just feel fed up and resentful.

And a bit tearful. Wish I had chickens. Do chickens take your mind off things saf ?

aliasjoey Mon 08-Oct-12 13:52:06

hang on saf don't you a new puppy ?

And... chickens?

yes AJ. we are a one parent, one child, two dog, one cat, three chicken family. not sure i actually have time for a job grin

be realistic - a drink would not help or change any of what is feeling 'wrong' right now. doing some relaxation or going for a walk or listening to music or taking a bath or....... may help.

what are you going to do? we tend to live in our heads and our thoughts and feelings. action makes a real difference.

MIFLAW Mon 08-Oct-12 14:23:45

Alias, not having a go at you. It's just I remember "knowing better" from when I had just stopped drinking. "Sure, they SAY one day at a time, but they can't know what a big deal next week/month/year is." And what was even better was I was training to be a teacher! "My JOB's planning!" I said triumphantly. "How can you ask me not to plan?" So someone took pity on me and said, "listen, it's fine to plan. just don't plan the outcome." And it's so true. For example, imagine I'm going on holiday. How will I cope? So, I plan. I will refuse drinks and (because I personally use AA) I will find a local meeting in a language I understand.

And that's it. Whereas waht I used to do was continue, planning the outcomes - "Yeah, I'll refuse drinks - but someone's bound to offer me one, and what if EVERYONE's drinking except me? And what if someone decides they don't like me being sober and spikes me? And I'll look for a meeting, but I bet it's miles away and there won't be any buses and the wife will get annoyed because I'm going out to a meeting while I'm on holiday." Answer - wait and see. Don't worry about the things you can't change. Deal with those bits when - AND IF - they arise.

Any use?

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 14:28:34

Joey you sound a bit down today, is it just the booze or is there more to it? I had a look at the post you mentioned, I can't see anything for you to be worried about, are you finding you're anxious a lot? From my end it looks like you're being very hard on yourself. Huggs - just off for school run so back in an hour or so.

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 14:30:03

Thurso, thanks smile and congratulations on completing the dissertation!!!! Yay!!!! (spent all my exclamations there).

I bet you'll feel a bit weird & kind of lost now, you put so much into it & now you just have to wait :-/

EllieorOllie Mon 08-Oct-12 15:37:34

saf how old are your chickens? If they are sold 'at point of lay' that doesn't necessarily mean they're already in full lay. If you don't know then you need to look at their combs. If the combs are large and bright bright red then they're probably at POL. If not they might just be youngsters.

Were you told what food they were on? They should really be fine with pellets. Some chooks full up with grass and other vegetation when they first get access to it instead of eating their food. That can affect laying. Mine free range most days, so they are shut in the coop with the food for the first hour or so of the day so that they fill up on that and get enough protein before they are allowed out. They have a worm-based treat before bed.

Also are you feeding them oyster shell mixed in with their food? It's very important for egg quality.

Other than that, I guess they could be disturbed by the move, yes! Plus they don't like winter so naturally lay less as the weather turns.

Hth!!

EllieorOllie Mon 08-Oct-12 15:40:25

Btw we're a 2 child, 3 cat, 2 Guinea pig and 3 chicken family. Technically there's 2 parents but DH is more like an additional child winkgrin

eliie they're exbats so probably around 15months old and can be egged out by all the intensive farming so i hope it isn't that. they do have oyster shell in a pot and they are taking some. trying not to panic as they've only been here a few days and yy to filling up on grass and all due to novelty. the soaked food has gone down much better. from now on i will only let them into enclosed run bit in the morning with the soaked food so they fill up on that first and i can see they've eaten. have taken them out a second bowl now and hoping they fill up on it well before dark. took them out a treat of a small handful of puppy food soaked in warm water earlier and they were very keen on that. they don't seem to be interested in fruit and veg but i have some dried mealworms coming in my grocery shop when it turns up and i'm sure they'll like those.

sorry for the temporary chicken keeper takeover babes!

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 16:09:03

arrrghhh invasion of the chicken farmers ;-) nah don't worry, it's interesting.

aliasjoey Mon 08-Oct-12 16:31:00

saf my question was more... a puppy?! with real live moving toys chickens?!

LOL at mealworms coming in your grocery shop

aliasjoey Mon 08-Oct-12 16:39:26

kotinka yes am feeling very twitchy. I have been quite short-tempered lately - tempted to blame that on the new anti-depressants, but the benefits have so far been good, so if it is that I just have to put up with it.

Work has been getting me down - all the bloody paperwork! I don't honestly think it would be any better to quit the rat race and have my own bookshop/cafe in a wee village somewhere- I bet there would still be red tape from the council, and a book supplier who tried to deliver at 8am and left the stuff on the doorstep in the rain, and the problem with sharing a basement with the fishmonger next door....

and now DD - its all bloody tantrums and tiaras with her - apparently fallen out with her no-longer-best-friend at school - and the friend has threatened to get her dad to phone me later!! With lies about doors slammed in the face and elbows-jogged-at-the-dinner-table etc

Surely no parent would bother getting involved, but all the same I'm anxious every time the phone rings...

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 17:28:26

Joey I'd be surprised if they call you, it does sound like the usual crap kids think is life or death. But if they do, it's nothing to worry about, just say how your daughter's upset about the situation & are there any ways you both can think of to help improve matters.

Work always has it's boring or frustrating parts but the positives are it's a relatively simple & trouble free way of making your living compared to running your own business. Could you afford to quit?

I can see that a lot is causing you anxiety at the mo. Some of this stuff isn't worth being worried about. Try to tell yourself to let the small things go, they will work out on their own, whether or not you worry.

When I was on venlafaxine for pnd I used to have thoughts, tunes & lines from movies constantly racing through my head. It was very intrusive and upsetting and I think it made me feel edgy, bad tempered & distracted too. I never found a way to stop it, apart from coming of the tablets.

It might be worth mentioning this problem to your GP, but relaxation and TELLING yourself to stop going over stuff will help. When the negative thoughts pop into your head, you have to actively disagree with them every time. Think about the things that are good about you. I don't know you very well but I know from the thread that you're working despite being ill, you're looking after a family, you're a kind, caring person with lots of valuable experience and intelligence and when you see an issue that needs fixing, you don't run & hide. You need to have these things running through your head as a defence against the bad thoughts that pop in unwanted.

aliasjoey Mon 08-Oct-12 20:10:00

aww thank you koti I have to admit the stuff about 'don't run and hide' - this is probably a new sober way of looking at life... and finding out that sometimes you can't fix things

I do feel edgy, but the change from seroxat to mirtazapine has been amazing for my tiredness and insomnia, so... swings and roundabouts smile

And no I have never seriously considered setting up my own business - with my anxiety levels?! I'd have a nervous breakdown! The only reason I mentioned it was because if you say you're unhappy at work, people often reply can you change jobs etc. and I was pondering whether there is paperwork and redtape wherever you go...

how's life with you anyway?

<waves a welcome to timeto>

Today has been a good day. smile

Onwards and upwards for tomorrow - and to everyone else.

dementedma Mon 08-Oct-12 20:18:20

I fecking hate trying to stop drinking. slams onto bus moodily, craving a glass of wine

EllieorOllie Mon 08-Oct-12 20:38:25

Evening ma nice to see you grin

Not drinking, woo! <surprises self>

Anyone seen the excessive alcohol consumption thread in AIBU? It's thought-provoking...

dementedma Mon 08-Oct-12 20:44:14

Hi Ellie
I want to stop drinking but I hate not drinking. Can't win

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 21:08:03

What do you hate Ma?

guggenheim Mon 08-Oct-12 21:14:15

evening babes

Thank you fairie - i know you are right. I do need to get myself further along with this.I'm thinking hard.

Ma how are you doing? Are you through the cravings now? hope so- keep going.
I'm going to have a quick look at the aibu now.I've managed ok this evening and feel much more cheerful.
Onwards & upwards is right Lrd smile

dementedma Mon 08-Oct-12 21:15:52

Being bored.just sitting here waiting for bedtime, and then not being able to sleep cos my mind is racing.thinking about drinking until about 9pm when it starts to fade.being like this.

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 21:17:55

Yup, same as me Ma :-) I think we need a hobby! Can't remember who said it but keeping your mind on something else is a huge help!

Well done gugg, glad you are feeling good. smile

ma - can you put yourself to bed? Or go have a hot bath? That's distracting and will take up your time a bit.

Sitting there thinking about it and wishing the time away is horrible.

kotinka Mon 08-Oct-12 21:24:51

evening Gugg, LRD!

Just about to take LRD's advice & go for a lovely soak & file down my hooves. Kids are asleep, I'll have no one popping in for a wee.

Sheer Luggshury ;-)

aliasjoey Mon 08-Oct-12 21:25:07

ma know how you feel. It's like whats the point in dragging yourself through the evening without something to look forward to? I've tried to give myself other treats (it helps a little) can you do that?

Sometimes I buy pain au chocolats for breakfast on the understanding that I have to get through the night before to be allowed them.

Enjoy, kot! Sounds like bliss. smile

Btw, I thoroughly recommend Homeland if you can be distracted by a good adrenaline-y TV show.

But good luck getting through it.

Night night all.

TheObscure Mon 08-Oct-12 21:37:21

Hello everybody.

Just checking in to say thank you for all your kind words the other night, you made me feel less alone.

Day 2 completed which has been easy due to a sickness bug, tomorrow will be a different story I'm sure as day 3 and 4 have always been the killer!

DH brought home a bottle of wine for some unknown reason as he doesn't drink at home, am not tempted at the moment.

Must remain strong.

You are all such an inspiration, I hope some of your strength can rub off on me.